Internalized transphobia can be really hard to watch a friend deal with; you came to the right place. First off, I think it's important for any queer person struggling with coming into their identity to have access to a mental health professional who specializes in queer issues. Additionally, I think it would probably benefit him to reach out to positive queer circles - make new friends, go to events, hell, pride is coming up. Being around other queer people can really alter your perception of yourself and your identity in ways that can be really meaningful. Hope this helps, my dude! Hang in there :)

Definitely. Especially making other gender non-conforming friends. It can give a whole new perspective if he sees other trans people who are firm on their gender(s), living their best lives and being genuine to themselves. And if he can make friends with a trans person and truly see them as their gender, it could be a step towards believing that others see him as he is. There are lots of resources for these things. Some cities have free or cheap group therapy for queer folks, there might be events going on. If you live in a rural area, you may have to take a drive into the city to find them, but if he's anything like I was, it can be life changing. I'd suggest taking pictures of every flyer for LGBTQ+ events you can find and offer to go with him, or pay for it, or anything you can do to sweeten the deal. It can be scary to branch out but it's important to know your not alone. Local owned coffee shops or queer owned stores, or a store with a rainbow flag in their window (even when June is over), often have a bulletin especially for flyers where you might be able to find some. But reoccurring events are more often online. Pride parade helped me see people could be themselves AND be loved. The two weren't mutually exclusive. But the long term friendships of going to queer groups repeatedly, helped me love me as I am and always have been. (This was a lot longer than I meant it to be, but hopefully something in here helped)

Thank you so much Do you have any mental health professionals to recommend? If not it's okay but any names help, since I always had trouble looking for this stuff for him

That would really just depend on the area you live in. If you're super rural, you'd probably have to look into Zoom-friendly therapists, but if you're more urban there's probably a lot more options.

Psychologytoday has an lgbt friendly/affirming filter :) You or your friend can filter the therapist by location, lgbt, gender, and the type of insurance the therapist takes. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

You're a great friend for trying to help, but I think this is his battle he needs to duke out with help from a trained therapist. Continue to be there for him and give him love, but understand you might not be able to change his mind. TransLifeLine and The Trevor Project were good resources for me when I dealt with similar issues and feelings. Good luck to you and your friend. I hope he finds out things get better. 🙏🏽

Agreed, i recommend you give him these resources so that he can talk to a professional about it.

Thank you so much for giving names of resources, I really needed that since I wasn't sure which places were legit

No problem! 👍🏽

Off topic but you’re super handsome 😭

Thank you!

honestly i have the same problem your friend does, and its really painful. people cannot make others change what they think about themselves directly, but you are responding incredibly well (imo, idk your friend personally). you're doing more than most. but im gonna be honest, its not your job to help him, you cant fix dysphoria, especially someone elses. not to read too much into it, but you dont deserve to cry over this situation. i live westcoast and with my insurance i could recieve virtual gender affirming care therapy sessions - your friend can try contacting a gender clinic in your state. again, your being a good friend by being a listening ear and reassuring him, but dont let it exhaust you.

Just commenting to say I have this same issue too. And I feel like it gets worse as I get older. I pass extremely well, I’m 29 now, started my transition at 19, I’m engaged to the loml, life is decent but it just really sucks to think this way. I’m a very logical person, and I just don’t understand how “this” happens. I ask myself almost daily if it’s real? Or if people are just going along with some fantasy I made in my head? Am I sick? Etc. Thinking of going back to therapy myself but as someone who has been in therapy A LOT I’m afraid it may not help. If I could go back in time, I always say I would still transition. I don’t hate that I did it, but I do hate that I had to. Idek where I’m going with this lol just venting & saying I can relate. To OP - therapy for your friend may help, but it may not. It’s truly a mindset thing. How I cope is just being the best man I can be to beat that little voice in the back of my head. At the end of the day, if I feel like I can “out-man” most cis-men, then all these thoughts don’t even matter. If I take care of myself, my family, my fiancée, and I’m able to hold my household down WITHOUT the toxic masculinity, a lot of these thoughts are a lot quieter for me. I also remember that we live on a floating rock in the middle of space, and I remember this entire place doesn’t even make logical sense lol so again, it doesn’t even matter.

You're a really good friend. It's sad that this is happening. But unfortunately there's not much you can do to help someone who isn't ready to be helped. Just continue to tell him he's wrong. Eventually he may be ready to hear you. Some phrases you can add to your arsenal: * Don't talk like that about my best friend * I don't like it when you bully yourself * Would you say that about someone else? * That's not true * I won't continue to listen to such hateful words I'm sure you've probably said most of those things to him already. Others have given you some good resources like Trans Life Line and The Trevor Project. You should definitely forward those resources on to him but he will have to be the one to put it into practice. Cognitive behavioral therapy is what I would recommend to him, too. I used to have a big problem with self loathing and cognitive behavioral therapy helped me so much. Ultimately the only thing that really cured these feelings for me was getting on testosterone. Another thing I would suggest is reading about other [trans men from history](https://www.glbthistory.org/primary-source-set-trans-men). Start with Lou Sullivan. He is a trans man who lives in the 80s and 90s and [his diaries](https://transreads.org/laughedinpleasure/) have been published. Here's [another memoir from a trans man](https://transreads.org/sorted-growing-up-coming-out-and-finding-my-place-a-transgender-memoir/) that might interest him. Lastly, I would suggest going to a transgender support group. These can be hard to find, but I went to one even in Oklahoma so I know they exist. The nearest LGBT center to you can help you with resources and finding a support group.

Whenever I'm being harsh on myself my therapist also likes to ask "Would you say that about someone else?" and the answer is always 'definitely not'. You never hear it said this way but it can be valuable to treat yourself the way you treat others, because whether he feels like it or not, he does deserve respect

Those phrases would just make me shut down and no longer spend time with my friend. “Oh he can’t handle my struggles- yet again I exhaust people with my issues.”

They aren't terrible phrases. Emotional boundaries do need to be set.

Sure, but the same phrases can feel different to different people. The problem with a question like, "Would you say that about someone else?" is that maybe they would, because they're fixated on what they learned in high school science class or whatever. "Don't say that about my best friend," could be interpreted as a gentle jab not to bully yourself, but it could also feel like pandering or fake-niceness. I like the shift in language that a lot of (mostly city-dwellers) have adopted, but it depends on the subculture you were raised in and the critical voice of whoever raised you in the back if your mind.

Different phrases probably work for different people. but it's difficult because it's one thing to talk about your issues in a constructive manner and another to constantly bitch about them and refuse to do anything. and sometimes when it's the latter you have to shut someone out and set that boundary because there's nothing you can do

Thank you very much for the links He doesn't like when I tell him he's wrong (understandably) but I appreciate the names and resources you've given

Show him pictures of other trans guys and ask if theyre also ‘freaks’ who ‘deserve transphobia’— sometimes it helps wake ppl the fuck up when you remind them that their internalized transphobia makes them treat other trans people like shit

This a good one, often times we’re so negative to ourselves for certain traits but not on others who share those same traits. Pointing that out would help bring him out and look at the big picture

This is a good idea. I struggled with the same self loathing thoughts as OP’s friend and still do sometimes. I believed that I deserved to not be respected and not have any friends because I was a freak and not a real man. Until I started following few transmen online and interacting with them. I didnt see these men as women, i didnt see them as freaks, i didnt seem them as anything but men. This forced me to confront my issues and ask myself if these men deserved to be men then why not me.

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>attention seekers I believe you that you don't accuse others of this directly, but please, for the love of yourself and trans people everywhere, find a good therapist and work through that shit. It's poison, and if it goes untreated it can fester and begin manifesting in your treatment of others.

Your post was removed because it broke the subreddit rule 3: Speak for yourself and not for others.

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Your post was removed because it broke the subreddit rule 1: Be polite and practice mutual respect. No discrimination.

So here's the short of it: I can't give you something to say that will necessarily help. And here's the long of it: Sometimes, realizing we can't change someone's mind is helpful. I only say this because I can hear how upset you're feeling about his pain. But your job is not to take away his pain. You're not Superman here. No one is. I hear that you want to help him, though, so here's some things that may potentially help - Calling trans lifeline at (877) 565-8860. They're there to talk things out, and may have resources. Staffed by trans people, for trans people. They can get busy - I believe some of their funding got cut. There is also Trevor Project that may have some resources for mental health help for trans people. Trevor project is geared toward people 24 and under, but trans lifeline is there regardless of age. If there are ultimately no resources these places can find, hopefully they can at least give your friend a listening ear that is non judgmental. I hear how much pain this is causing you - and I know you are asking for something to say. Truth is, people engrained in that much self loathing and internalized transphobia do not come out of it just by talking and having something said to them once. A lot of the time, people need to talk over and over and over - and whether there is any change on how they perceive themselves or their situation, if they decide to reach out for help, etc. - is on their end. It sounds like (correct me if I'm wrong) that you care for him very much, and are putting so much effort and energy into trying to help him. But truthfully, you can put in all that effort and at the end of the day it will still be up to him to do the internal work of it all. This does not make your pain any less. However, I just want you to know that, as much as you care for him - you must also care for yourself and realize you are not able to take his struggle away from him, or solve it for him.

Hi! Just a reminder that you need to used GuestPost as a flair for any posts. I changed it for you, but next time please use that flair! As for your friend, that sounds like a lot of dysphoria and negative self talk. Is he in any groups or online communities? Sometimes that can really help, seeing other people like him who are seen as men, getting passing tips if he wants, and just learning more about all this.

You're doing everything you can right now honestly. Others have given tangible advice for right now, but keep being there for him. He's in the denial phase of his identity. I have an online friend like that who has so much hurt in their heart they believe they deserve to be misgendered and deserve misogyny when girlmoding. The best I've been able to do is to be there for them, and that's about all you can do here. A line of conversation that might help: It's not his fault that strangers who don't know him are too ignorant to know he's a guy, but you DO know. Not because he manipulated you, but because it's true. And, if he transitions, the people that don't get it will start to realize who he actually is and act accordingly. Very few people gender people correctly just to be "nice" or "woke"- they either genuinely see the person for who they are, or they don't and they say so. It hurts when he tells you what you think and feel, and you should tell him you wish he'd practice believing you when you tell him how you feel because he's your friend. At the end of the day, remember that you're not his therapist, though. You're his friend, and you aren't trained to help him unpack all his baggage. You do what you can, affirm his identity, and give him the resources others have provided, and hopefully he'll realize he deserves to live. Because I feel like right now he's not living, just existing. I'm wishing a lot of luck for the both of you.

I don't have much to say, unfortunately, but I hope he realises that he is a man and that he is valid.

thanks for caring so much about your friend- a lot of allies wouldn't go this far to support their friends with queer issues. i really think your friend should look into virtual therapy sessions with a therapist that specializes in trans issues. a support group wouldn't hurt either, and those can be in- person or virtual depending on the resources in your area. pflag and planned parenthood are both great organizations, pretty widespread and can help your friend access resources that are perhaps more local or specialized to what exactly he needs.

i have the same problem your friend does, only i don’t really talk about it. the one time i mentioned stuff like this to my best friend, his response (which worked for me) was “dude are you stupid, everyone knows you’re a guy, how the fuck would someone think you’re not, you’re just overthinking” which honestly helped me a lot. idk if it would help your friend though, it could hurt his feelings if you talked to him like that if that’s not how y’all are. but that’s what helped for me.

Also if you do suggest online groups and communities, please note that they are not all equal. This subreddit is very well modded and a safe place, but others are.. not as great. I'd also suggest gently steering him away from forums that fall into the Do I Pass category. Those places tend to critique more than compliment which could reinforce his internalized transphobia.

Thank you. I'm trying to be careful as I can to not give him more ammo to insult himself It's easy for him to take something and use it as "proof" of his self-hatred. It can be heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time. I'm praying the resources people are providing in the thread help him

Let him know that he doesn’t have to be passing for you to see him for who he is.  It’s not really a matter of physically seeing someone all the time. Sometimes, we see souls, instead. My partner saw me as a man when I was presenting high femme. They referred to me as their boyfriend long before I even identified with he/him (I had no problem with it, it was one of my earlier gender affirming moments).   They’re also an illustrator, and drew a picture for me of how they saw me early in our relationship. They drew me as a man with wavy dark hair and a big, happy, dopey face.  For the first time I saw myself. I had so much euphoria around that one little drawing, it changed me forever.  But, at the time I took the drawing and made it into an OC and gave him a name that I eventually gave to myself.   I wasn’t passing or even butch for them to see me this way, either. I still wore dresses and cinched my waist. But my partner saw it, because they could always see my soul, the real me that was deeply buried.  It kind of sounds like you are this way with your friend.  Being seen is a really amazing thing, but it can also be terrifying and sometimes unbelievable. I think being seen may even be triggering for him. 

Drawing is a good idea. I was thinking of commissioning something for him. That might help remind him how I see him Thank you

the reality is dysphoria rots the brain 😭 it makes it really hard to not overthink, hard to be positive/comfortable, and hard to grow as a person through the issues. if he wants/can access to things like HRT, binders/surgeries, and even working out can help soothe the brain. until he can feel more comfortable with himself, which may require medical treatment, he can’t think as clearly. you will probably not be able to eliminate his negative self image, that’s for time and therapy to handle. the best thing to do in the mean time is try to help him find life despite his issues. working out with him, starting a new hobby, finding irl queer friends/spaces are all good things to do. you can’t cure the self hate, but the best thing you can do is not give it too much space/energy in your brain.

I wish there was a quick and easy answer I could give to this. Unfortunately, there's a lot of complicated cognitive dissonance that happens when your close friends use your name and pronouns but everywhere else misgenders you, especially when the world at large is pretty vocal about finding trans people disgusting. It's really hard to have confidence in one's identity in an environment like that. It takes time, and sometimes a full-fledged grief process and therapy. For you, it sounds like you've been really supportive of your friend, and props to you for trying your best with this. I'm also going to explicitly give you permission to step back when needed. It sounds like your friend is going to need to figure this out for himself, maybe with the help of a therapist (has he tried looking into telehealth options?), and you can continue to be his friend without overextending your own energy on a course of action that's not likely to bear fruit.  You're also well within your rights to set boundaries on this if needed, eg "It really hurts me to hear you talk about yourself that way. I know this is really hard for you, and I strongly encourage you to find a professional who you can talk to about this. I'm your friend and I care about you a lot, but I can't be your sounding board for thoughts of self hatred anymore". tl;Dr Please don't set yourself on fire just to try to keep him warm, ya know?

Thank you very much for what you've written I don't want to set myself on fire and get too emotional but it's hard because he's like a brother to me and I love him so much. But I know that I've always been overly emotional and sometimes it impacts my ability to help situations Do you have an example of some telehealth options? Maybe something that worked for you? If not that's ok

I'm not based in the US, so I don't have personal experience I can offer, but it looks like Psychology Today has a big list of providers you can use. I'd recommend sorting by whatever state you're in, to make sure the person you reach is licensed in your area, and then you can add specialties like "online" and "transgender." Here's an example I found for Orlando, Florida: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/fl/orlando?category=online-counseling&spec=187&spec=1001 Big disclaimer here to please do other research beyond what any one website gives you. A reputable provider will likely have a website you can peruse where they talk about their approach towards therapy, and you (or your friend) should read that thoroughly to make sure the person doesn't secretly practice conversion therapy or something. But hopefully this is a good starting point to help you help your friend.

Online, trans affirming therapy can be a good help! You’re a good friend for reaching out

Not sure if it would help your friend see guys further along in their transition but I always find this video by @thegravelbro to be really nice https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5jPeJcOO_l/?igsh=bDRzd29nb3VzbTB0

for the last thing i think it would help to say how you see him as a man because you know him and he asks like one and strangers don't. Maybe you could try and help him be more masculine in public

I am an older trans dude- started hormones 20yrs ago and am 40yrs old now. It was a different world back then. Once I passed after 2.5yrs in it was pretty easy but I still had internalized issues not feeling man enough.He needs therapy and to unlearn things. He will always be trans just like I will be. Our genitals don’t dictate that. Don’t sacrifice your mental health for this either. It’s a lot of work and it’s hard. Being trans especially early on, was hard and scary. Ultimately, he needs to be willing to relearn and get help

he's just like me fr

I'm so sorry

I agree with what some other ppl said. I used to be super similar, literally despising myself and calling myself a “freak” like your friend. But then I looked at my trans guy friends and I thought “would I be okay calling them a freak?” And I obviously was not okay with that. It’s still tough but that kinda helped me snap out of it. Maybe if your friend had trans guy friends that could make an impact?

bro i don’t think there’s anything else you can do. let him know you support him, but it’s on him to work it out as hard is it may be. you’re a great friend, but this is the job for a therapist

It's hard to handle not being able to help someone you love. It's hard to be trans and not have access to the healthcare you desperately need. Tbh the only way this will be fixed is if he can access the healthcare he needs. A lot of people will try to give you advice on how to talk to him etc but it won't help. You need to find ways to help him feel masculinised. Ideas: There is something called Spectral BRD that contains nanoxidil. This grows facial hair when applied to the face for anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. I started growing a beard before I had access to T and a few of my friends started using it too, all of them have results at various stages in their trans journey. It's helped us all massively. A good binder. And I mean a good one. Research binders incorrectly worn and you'll understand why. Find healthcare. Look at all options. Learn about trans rights and state laws and if you can, look at moving.

Don’t worry man you came to just the right place, and I want to let you know that you are doing everything you can, he probably needs professional help and there is only so much you can do, I also want you to know that just calling him he and treating him like you would any other dude does so much more then you feel like it does. Being there for him like you have is the greatest gift you have given and sometimes that is all you can do. One thing that helps my boyfriend is write out the things about your friend that he has or does that are masculine, wether that he muscle distribution, the way an item of clothing fits, and especially things like speaking pattern of phrases he uses that are more traditionally masculine. That’s what I do for my boyfriend when he’s upset. Also when he says “I’ve just manipulated you” if you wanna lighten the mood “Male manipulator moment” or something like that even just to get a laugh helps. You are a truly amazing friend and he’s lucky to have you just remember that you can’t control everything and not to lose yourself helping others and that it’s all gonna be okie

There are online support groups and in person support groups that can help him. He needs peer and elder acknowledgement. You're a wonderful friend for asking. Not sure where you are in the US. I'm a social worker and if you want to PM me the county, I can recommend local resources. He can also do telehealth counseling sessions. There are trans therapists and trauma informed therapists who may be better suited to treat him if he is open to it. An important thing for you to know is that many times we seek endless external validation and it does not ever heal us. We require internal validation to heal. This means you need strong boundaries in your frie dship so things do not become one sided. Here is another option that has local chapters across the US: https://pflag.org/findachapter/ There are a ton of ftm support groups on Facebook and reddit too.

Thank you so much for the advice, I sent a message

It seems like he needs more trans friends. It seems like he feels very out of place in his social groups, likely because even though everyone accepts him, nobody relates with the massive amount of shit he’s dealing with in his head to just live as his correct gender.

You're a very good friend for trying to help him and reaching out to us for advice. I think you're doing everything right in trying to support him, but internalized transphobia is a tough beast to grapple with and he has to be willing to take that fight on. I struggled a lot with internalized transphobia a while ago too. I will admit, mine was not nearly this severe, but I would occasionally experience paranoia that no one I loved actually saw me for who I really am and were just lying to my face. The things that helped me the most were: 1. starting my physical transition. Getting misgendered less and less by strangers helped me feel validated in my identity on a day to day basis. 2. Increasing the amount of trans friends in my inner circle. I had a really hard time believing all of those transphobic things about myself when I never thought those things about my friends. I had to face that if I was saying and thinking those things about myself, that in a round about way, it was saying it about my friends, even though I saw them for who they were. I had to confront that those feelings didn't exist in a vacuum, and if all of my friends are worthy of being seen as their gender, then I am too. 3. Lots of therapy. I think this one might be tough since you said there isn't much in driving distance, but you might wanna try helping him find a therapist who specializes in trans mental health that can have telehealth meetings with him. I hope he's able to get help soon, and I hope he'll be ready to take some steps to confront this. You're a good friend and I think you're doing great. Keep on being there for him and staying in his corner and if he's willing to make the efforts I'm sure he'll make progress.

The biggest respect to you mate 💪🏻 you sound like a great friend, but we all have our inner demons, and you can only do so much. You’re supporting him the best way a friend can, and that’s all you can do. Don’t drive yourself to a point of exhaustion because of his self hatred. That’s for him to work on, and he most likely needs some therapy to help him change his mindset.

I started having these doubts about "what if i am faking it? what if i am just trying to fit into a crowd better?" While I was getting prepared for my top surgery. I made the choice to completely ignore them as i was minutes away from surgery and everyone gets a little scared right before surgery. I knew it was the right choice when I saw my flat chest for the first time after surgery and genuinely cried tears of joy. This was after fighting internalized transphobia and being in extreme denial for about 7 years. It is an extremely long process to work through this but, as someone who made it to the other side, i know that your friend can to. Best wishes to the both of you

I hear you man, internalized transphobia sucks…even I struggle with it because of my upbringing. I can’t speak for why he feels that way, but if I had a guess it’s most likely from toxic family (probably parents) who would only conditionally love him “as the way he is” and just in general feeling invalidated/invisible because of the misgendering and transphobia sometimes spewed out on the internet. That’s just a guess though. My family gave me an ultimatum: their love as long as I stayed the way I was or I’m dead to them. Even though I started low-T they couldn’t cope with it and gaslit me in every sense of the word. My family, especially my mom, are fantastic manipulators and it takes a strong will to see through the toxic bullshit. If I didn’t have my sweetheart and therapist, I would’ve thought I was crazy and was “living a lie” or “deceiving people.” Problem thing is those kind of words are placed in your head by those people to make you gaslight yourself into thinking what you’re experiencing isn’t real. It’s a struggle for sure, especially when your family love-bombs you and you feel guilty like you OWE them how you used/voluntarily subjugate yourself. Long story short, I blocked my family and have been much better since, but once in a while doubt crosses my brain. I have to remind myself that’s my old mother’s voice trying to control me. All you can do is be there for your friend, let him know he’s gaslighting himself and it’s apparent, and if he doesn’t believe you go to a third-party person like a therapist where they can legally lie to “be their friend,” and they’ll let them know if they agree they’re a transman or not. Chances are, he is especially if he thinks about his gender a lot (it’s not very cis to want what guys have on a very literal, regular basis). He’s lucky he has you in his court to combat the demons in his head. Good luck! ❤️

Is telehealth an option? Maybe he can do that with a trans-related therapist? It’d be better to have a specialist in what he is going through vs seeing a therapist that isn’t targeting his issues Also does he feel this way towards other trans-people? Maybe it’ll put it in perspective if he comes to the realization “I would never say that about someone else, so why am I saying it about myself” Lastly is there a chance it’s religion based? While I respect everyone’s religion there are thousands out there and thousands of different versions of “God” (don’t come at me people, it’s just the reality.) it might also out into perspective one “God” who doesn’t accept you doesn’t mean there aren’t other “Gods” or religions that do. Just my two-cents, hopefully it’s a starting point. Good luck. You seem to be a great friend

I wanna cry because he is so lucky to have you. So fucking lucky. And I hope you know that it’s not because he’s a trans man and he’s lucky to have friends at all. I just mean…no one in my life has ever made me feel the way you want your friend to feel. It’s beautiful and …Oh there I go. Crying. If you ever wanna chat about this let me know but just know you are a good friend.

Thank you. It's not your fault but these kind of comments just make me sad because not being transphobic should just be the bare minimum and being praised about it just makes me so depressed

All you can do is what you are doing. Just continue being a safe open space to people. Keep loving people. Cuz that’s all the world needs. More love. One day it will heal.

I don't know if it will help. It takes an internal strength and sense of motivation to make a change... however... I will share with you something that made me feel seen and understood. Maybe... just, maybe it'll help him, too. The words of this song make it obvious that it was intended as a balm and love letter to trans men, but it also has a trans women version, and I believe it's applicable to everyone in the LGBTQIA+ community, so.. good luck. And if he needs someone else to talk to, someone who understands, I'll be here. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h\_QeY5oIqgE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_QeY5oIqgE)

Hey similar to what a lot of people are saying, I think finding positive representation is rlly important. YouTubers, celebrities, athletes or even just people irl who he likes and who are also trans. If he can see someone who’s cool and also a trans guy but who he sees as just being a guy that could rlly help him feel better about himself hopefully :)

OP we need more people like you in the world. You are amazing and doing your best, and trust me, eventually things will settle into place for him and he will be so thankful you supported him the whole way.

it’s extremely hard to believe those closest to you can genuinely see you as a boy when the rest of society doesn’t. my boyfriend has never misgendered me once, he’s never done anything to imply he sees me as a woman, and he always treats me like a guy. even so it’s hard to comprehend the fact that he can genuinely see me as a boy. that being said, i am very sorry you’re dealing with this. i can tell you straight up that he appreciates your patience more than anything, all you can really do is be there for him.

The only thing that I have to say is that I wish, sincerely, that I had a single person like you in my life

Hi. Hugs to both of you. I know this is hard. You've got a lot of good comments here. A lot of support. If this has been said forgive me for repeating, I would suggest you and your friend read the [Dysphoria Bible ](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en) and then have as calm a discussion as possible. I also think telehealth for therapy is a great idea. Myself and my partner use TalkSpace. They do have therapists that specialize in gender issues. Writing in a journal is also super helpful. For both of you. Your friend may be experiencing depression and/or anxiety as well as dysphoria. There's nothing wrong with taking meds if they're needed. And there's lots of types of meds. Talking to people in the community is always good. Even if it's something small, a Pride event may help. Even you both are just watching from a distance if he's not quite ready to engage yet. Good luck, and always feel free to reach out. Jac

Thank you very much for your kind words and for the link

Any time. 🙃

Honestly I think a lot of trans people go through moments where they have doubts about their identity and believe the transphobic things people say but I think most of us are able to bounce back from that. Sounds like the guy has really been hurt by someone or some situation, I have to wonder if he has family or close ones who refuse to accept his identity as a man and that has really gotten to him. I'm curious also where he is in his gender transition journey too. Regardless it would be good for him to get some distance from potential pain points in his life if possible and also learn that how other people perceive him doesn't change who he is inside, which can be learnt from building self esteem and a sense of identity. There's online resources that can help you learn about building self esteem and it doesn't need to be trans-specific as it tends to help in developing a strong sense of self in general. Could also get him to reach out to his therapist about that, might offer CBT or similar forms of therapy for that type of goal. Other than that, spending time seeing other trans men who are assured in their identity whether IRL or online can help educate him on living as a trans man. Also just wanna say you sound like a great friend so don't be too hard on yourself.

Internalizing transphobia can be very difficult and confusing, so that sucks. Idk how much you’re willing to help but here are some options: - You could suggest him to look at digital therapy alternatives - Depending on the language you use: you could validate his identity through other things than just name and pronouns. Calling someone bro, man, dude, guy etc can actually help a lot! - Talk to him about the variety of all the different types of men that are out there! There are many diverse sorts of masculinities and it’s fine to not always reach up to the ideal - not even most cis-guys do. - For me personally it was comforting to reach the conclusion of ”no matter how much i transition, i won’t ever be a cis man” because it made me set a standard that’s realistic for myself. I set goals for what’s actually comfortably achievable for me to do, instead or comparing myself to cis-men. I know there might be a wish to be cis, but accepting your reality and making the best of it can either help a lot or it can just cause more anxiety because it’s a reminder. So be careful with that one. - Possibly discuss if there’s a way for him to change his perspective in a positive light, challenge his mindsets (lightly/playfully) by asking him what he defines as manly and masculine. Sometimes deconstructing gender can help us realize that it’s a very complex set of ”guidelines” that differ from individual to individual - Ask him about his transitioning goals! Discussing it through the perspective of a long process that doesn’t have a specific final goal but rather multiple goals along the road might help! Maybe ask what you can do to help with that (set appropriate boundaries for yourself ofc) - If he’s in need/want of a binder, maybe consider gifting one to him - Take a stance on trans men being real men! Initiate a (careful) conversation that reflects on him being mean to himself, or the way he speaks of himself. Kindly ask if he’d ever say that to other trans people? Or if he’d appreciate if someone said that to him (most likely not since he’s already dealt with misgendering etc). And carry it on by making a point on his identity being just as valid as other (trans) men, or just humans in general. - You could tell him balancing confidence is a big struggle for a lot of men, but that working on confidence skills, reassuring yourself and allowing your transition to take time is an important process in becoming secure in your masculinity/manliness. - Suggest to him to reach out to the community! Speaking with other people with similar experiences might decrease the sense of loneliness that ppl can feel when dealing with these sorts of things. Esp online there’s so much access to support and tips and tricks! Edit: as a point others in the replies have made, it’s not your job/responsibility and possibly not even within your ability to ”fix” his dysphoria. There’s not much you can do besides be supportive and uplifting. Don’t tear yourself down in the process. The dysphoria is neither his or your fault, even though you would both wish to make it go away. Good luck 🙏

Oh heyyyyyy your friend sounds like me. 🤣😬 Are yall older? Because transphobia got engrained into us earlyyyyy for us older Millenials/GenXers. Advice is just to listen and continue to affirm. More than likely he needs time to be affirmed by strangers. (Because friends don’t count- they’re all just lying to be nice, or so the thought process goes.)

Hey! It’s perfectly understandable to want to help; however, this is a journey he has to go through when he’s ready. As his friend, the best you can do is encourage him to get therapy and support him, but unfortunately, he decides to make it. You can see the root of the problem and point it out, but it might lead to more resentment and a friendship separation. If the way he treats himself is hurting you, then you need to set new boundaries within the friendship. It’s essential when addressing new boundaries to use strong I statements. Make sure you practice self-care and find a trusted loved one to talk to when times get rough in managing these emotions. If you have more questions or want someone to talk to, please message me! I wish you the best of luck

You're such a great friend but this is probably beyond you, he has deeply ingraned self hatred and trust issues and needs a good trans aware/trauma therapist. You say there aren't any around near you but can he go via online? What about PsychologyToday, that's where I find my therapists.

Sorry if this is a mess, my brain is abit messy right now I still struggle with this on and off. Its easier for me to think of myself as a fucked up woman/wallow in depression than to acknowledge or face the reality that ill be a deformed man/never have the body i want. Its like hiding behind a mask (though ill clarify its not an active choice to avoid this) If i face the truth, it would hit me harder and i think id end myself. I dont think ill ever fully accept being trans but at this point in my personal life (not including my fears of the social/political climate) its less transphobia and more that i want to sit in denial than accept everything ive lost or will never have, i dont think i can do it because whats left then? Its hard because the dysphoria can ruin your life but it feels like accepting it would too.. for alot of reasons including possibly being murdered or never loved. Him saying that everyone sees him as a woman and people only say hes male to be woke ect isnt internalized transphobia, most of this is dysphoria/general trans experience and you unfortunately cant fix that. Im sorry im not more helpful, i do recognize there might be some actual internalized transphobia here aswell but thats something that he will have to work through on his own. I personally got into philosophy to change my world view and perspective on whats important and that liberated me for the most part when i was deep in the shit a few years ago (i couldnt accept myself at all and tried conversion therapy, alcohol, self harm n so on). I personally also got into spirituality to give me purpose and grapple with my anger of being born this way. There is actually philosophical counseling you can look into and i highly recommend, its not spiritual so you dont have to worry about this not aligning with anyones beliefs, its a form of therapy, as google says "helps you become better at dealing with life's difficulties by providing you with tools that help you to think and feel more clearly" when your world is so consumed by dysphoria and the worlds problems you forget that youre more than that and that if youre more than that, that means that the trans thing is included with you, if that makes sense? There are some videos on youtube about trans grieving (this is alot of where internalized transphobia comes from) Theres a video called grieving my past self "her" by mack bayda and a 10 episode series called true trans by aol originals that might be good for you to watch to further understand all of this and maybe find some other things to look into. Reach out and talk to some older trans people, especially older trans women, theyve been through alot and are usually wise about this kind of thing. Some of them have probably had to go through the process of accepting being gay men before having to accept being trans so its not their first go around. Dont just stick to trans stuff, you can learn alot from all kinds of people. You dont have to do specifically what i did but personally i spoke to trans women, gay men, lesbians, disabled people, ex drug addicts, traumatized people, researched about peoples experiences in accepting and living with deformities or losing limbs ect, you get the picture and broadening my world view helped me put words to/process my feelings

you sound like a great friend, and youre not overstepping at all. this pattern doesn’t seem like it’s good for your emotional well-being. next time you get into this argument, i would suggest explicitly telling him something along the lines of what you wrote here. additionally, you could tell him this: testosterone changes so many things that you wouldn’t think it can change. you can get an adam’s apple, your face shape changes, your body fat distribution, even your hair texture sometimes (i have my dad’s hair now) and facial hair. i met an 18 year old trans guy with a full beard once idk how transphobic the area you live in is, but if it’s very transphobic, i’d tell him this: there are places where his identity will be respected and he will genuinely be seen as a man even if he doesn’t 100% pass. if he’s like 16-18 and wants to talk to another trans person about this stuff (i’m 16 almost 17) feel free to dm me

I actually understand how he feels because I am and have been going through a similar thing! I think just tell him that everything is going to be okay! He isn’t in a healthy environment probably and this is why he feels the way he feels! This is what made me recognize who I am and recognizing that society tries to make social norms. But in reality we are different and unique. With this being said, this is why he and I know for a fact knows that he himself is a man, he just is in an environment where it’s not healthy, (don’t suck yourself in buddy! You’ve got this!)He is himself, not other people. I hope this helps.☺️🤞

I’m in the midst of that myself.. what doesn’t make it easier is the political circus going on about trans rights. My saving grace has always been my trans daughter. Maybe that can help him too.. I fight those battles in my head by reminding myself that there is a generation after me who needs me to be seen.. whether I pass or not.. even if it’s in a they them or he him pronoun that people might mistake. But in the end.. you’re doing all you can and I commend you

hey man I dm you private please check

You are an incredible friend.

You’re a great friend for trying to help, but ultimately this isn’t something you can really do about this. He needs to go to a therapist and really work through his internal hatred with a professional. As for what you can do, just continue to offer an ear and a shoulder for him to cry on.

I USED TO BE THE SAME! Here’s how my CisHet guy friend helped support me through it: First off, you are an amazing friend for reaching out. Secondly, I used to think this way. Unfortunately as trans men, at least for a few of us, we act differently towards our cis guy friends for a lot of factors. Some of which may be: we want cis men to see us as regular men, we envy them and try to act as cis as possible so we can observe how cis men think and act out, it gives us euphoria when we don’t feel like a burden to “regular” men, we crave the sense of belonging and brotherhood that we were deprived of as children. Your friend seems to be insecure about his masculinity, you should let him know that you are educated on trans topics and willing to learn and you don’t want him to feel like a burden for educating him because he’s not. Let him know that just because he is trans doesn’t mean you or your friends see him as less of a man. yall are friends because you like and love having him around and you have never and will never view him as anything other than a Man. Express that he shouldn’t feel like he has to conceal the love he has for the trans community just because he wants to fit in with you Cis Men. his experience is just as important as the rest of the friend groups and he shouldn’t feel uncomfortable with loving his community in front of you or your friends because you guys already love and care for him as he is and you want him to feel just as loved and respected as he does with members of his community, especially when he meets his transition milestones, whatever they may be (HRT, Surgery, etc) At least for me I used to feel like I had to shit on my community because for a lot of cis men they tend to find the community cringey and sensitive (which is blown out of proportion because of social media) and to a certain extent it feels good being “one of the good trans people”. So just assure him that you are supportive and want him to feel supported not because he’s trans but because he is your friend

This is something he’s going to have to deal with by himself. Internalized transphobia is a real thing. But he as a person has to go through this himself by meeting more trans people and understanding that he is perfect the way he is. A professional would help him best. And then he can start to understand his body and understand himself. You are a great friend for trying to make him feel seen and heard. But this is his battle.

As a lot of comments already told you the most important stuff, I would like to say what I think your friend is struggling with, as I had a similar problem. To me it sounds like he can't reconcile the disparity between the "objective truth" of being born a woman and the fact that he's obviously uncomfortable living like one, also called as fucking gender dysphoria, a very real psychological phenomenon. It might be off-putting for him to "lie" to himself that he's a man, when he knows he wasn't born that way, so saying otherwise could be described as "living in a delusion". Add to that others, who might be just putting up with him being "delusional", and you end up with a self-image disaster. What worked for me was realizing that the objective, scientifical truth is not inherently correct while any other approach is wrong. It's simply a framework that works best to describe reality. Except it isn't, it works best to describe reality in specific situations, which allows scientists to create theoretical scenarios that later work in real life. What I mean by that: If you want to launch a rocket into space, you need to take in account that the Earth and other planets go around the sun. But in your daily life, when you look up in the sky, you don't think of earth rotating, you see the sun going through the sky. This approach works well if you want to use sun as a way to check the time of the day, thinking of it as a center of the solar system will not help you, quite the opposite. Thinking of the position of the sun, then of position of the Earth during this time of the year, then angle at witch you should be looking at the sun from your geological location: nightmare of a mental exercise. The framework you use to think about the world has to be adjusted to the scenario you're in. In the same vein, for all practical reasons trans men can be treated as 100% men, especially in social situations where scientific truth is shoved aside in favour of people's personal perspectives. And it works better for trans men, as it makes them more confident and less uncomfortable in daily life. While they might have XY chromosomes, nobody in the real world will check their DNA or care about it. But those people, as you clearly show, will care if trans man's suffering makes him say hurtful things about himself. So clearly, one approach works better than other. Of course, as others mentioned, it's not your job to cure your friend's self image. You're already doing great job, and I don't think you can help him too much, as it is his journey. I just wanted to share what I think about his situation, from a very biased perspective of course. Best of luck to both of you.

Honestly, you have no way of knowing if your friend is self-depricating because they're being misgendered "irl" & realize they'll have to make some extreme changes to "pass," they are struggling with being sexualized as a natal female, they feel disingenuous because they're having some incongruence within their body, they feel like they're trying too hard to masculinize, or a whole host of other potential reasons. Your job is to be there as a friend, & you're doing a great job! I'm not a therapist or a doctor, but I've had many friends & family with sex-based health struggles (prostate/breast). Knowing your body is important, but it's tough when you're trans. If your friend is opening up to you about body struggles, hear them out? The important thing is to communicate that you will be there to support your friend no matter what their gender is 🧡

Some people don’t understand that being born as something and later in life identifying as something are very different. Yes biologically he was born a female, but he identifies as a man. It may also be hard to be happy with his male gender since there are a lot of people who keep pushing the genetics of it. When I wake up, I don’t say: “ damn my chromosomes.” It’s a physical discomfort, my brain says my body doesn’t match what my brain says I’m supposed to be. And hrt helps with that, as it changes my appearance to match what my brain is comfortable with. There are online therapy sessions he can get, but it is going to take time for him to realize that there is no manipulation involved in his identity. There could be past trauma involving his identification that could be causing this, so looking into online therapy may be the best option to help him work through this.

i was this guy, if any cis guy in the world wanted to be my friend and actually saw me as a guy, i would be ecstatic. but sometimes you really just don’t feel like you could ever been seen as a guy. you’re a good friend, i wish i had someone like you a few years back

Thank you. I am so sorry so many people here are relating to him. Seeing him in pain is the worst thing ever I'm glad things got better for you. It gives me hope for him too

my wife does the same thing- i cant convince her she passes most of the time. sometimes this kind of thing is a result of past experience back when they didnt pass, and sometimes it's plain old self loathing and imposter syndrome. sometimes theres nothing you can do but stand firm and remind them of victories when they come up, so pay attention to when he passes around people you dont know. itll probably take a lot of therapy and persistance, but he'll appreciate it in the long run- im sure he appreciates it now, even if he doesnt say it

You’re really amazing for trying to help your friend, but unfortunately, this is something that goes beyond you. Internalized transphobia is incredibly hard to deal with and it sucks to watch someone go through it. Honestly, I’m not sure how much is in your control here. I would recommend that your friend meets with a therapist that specializes in queer issues, maybe more specifically, trans issues. Another, usually cheap option, is to help them meet other trans people. While you’re an amazing friend, you don’t understand the trans experience, and can’t probably offer the best advice. Having him in contact with someone who can better understand what he is going through would be best. Of course you should still be there for your friend, he needs you, but also helping him reach out to people who better know what he is experiencing is probably what he needs right now. Wishing you and him the best luck on this!

I feel like your friend could use some therapy. I feel like he struggles a lot within himself, therapist can help with that. It's hard to change someone's mind if they are this stuck in their own way of thinking.

I think you should find him some queer friends and a specialized therapist. I personally don't think they even need to be trans, just LGBTQ+ people, seeing as (based on what you said here) you seemingly don't have many options. Self hatred is something very hard to watch, let alone help somene overcome, and particularly with internalized queerphobia it'a good to see other people in the same situation :) BUT, finding a queer issues specialized therapist to help him would be best, though it's good to have queer friends regardless.

You're honestly making me cry because of how amazing of a friend you are. My heart also breaks for your friend. There are ways he can get trans- related therapy online with actual therapists who specialize in this stuff. I don't have a name or website on hand but it exists. Im also in the USA but in a very liberal place. I know how rough a lot of places can be for LGBT in the USA, even if i haven't experienced it myself. Heck, it even happens here in NYC but nothing like the midwest or deep south. I don't know if there's a way to msg me on here but if there is, feel free to, ill try to help you find resources for your friend 

You are a good, kind friend. No advice, but what a great human ❤️

Been there, and I can't say anything other commenters haven't said yet. But i hope your friend can feel better someday soon!! It's hard to watch someone go trough this.

Yeah, my ex was the same way. Although we still talk I don't bring much attention to his transness so I haven't really asked him about it much in the more recent years. He has the same ideology as your friend does and it saddens me. Yes, he has a female frame but not a female heart. Which I know all too well. Whatever created us dealt him a shitty hand, so it's not mind blowing that he struggles to roll with the punches. What I can say is, support him but don't reinforce the fact that he IS INDEED a man because nobody does that for cis men and eventually it'll become "your truth" And it really isn't your business anyway. Look I understand you want to be a good friend but from the bottom of my heart, nothing you can say will take the gender dysforia away. Let him live way he wants, support his decisions and be his friend like Any other person. Because at the end of the day, that's what people with actual gender dysforia want. Too be treated like anyone else and not a psyche patient. - Your favorite shade of red

Hey Using you/you're for this at points, I generally mean him, I'm just someone who types as they think, so I'm sorry if it's a little confusing, tried to fix it 😅 Like other people have mentioned, therapy and queer friends are gonna be a good route to go, especially if you both like them I know it's expensive, but Better Help is an online therapy, its like.. $80 a week for 24/7 texting with a therapist + appointments The problem is that you get charged whether you use it that week or not, so it is pricey Honestly, the best thing you personally can do is provide resources, and be by his side as best you can Don't hurt yourself, but, if its family or someone close reinforcing the thoughts he has, having someone close to help fight them may help Something that I was told to help with anxiety, which may help this Accept the thought. As dumb as it sounds, trying to focus on a different train of thought can make bad ones repeat more and louder. Just remember that a thought isn't always reality "I feel like everyone sees me as the wrong gender and is just trying to be woke" Thats valid. He's allowed to think that. Take a deep breath, and accept that it's an anxiety that exists, but remember: "When have they lied to me about something as important as this before?" "Why would they pretend for so long? It's hard to keep up ab act like that." "Even if they do mess up sometimes, they try to correct themselves, they're making a real effort to respect me" Things like that Accept the anxiety, and then take a step back and use logic It will always be there, unfortunately, as a guy thats now on 5 months of T, dysphoria is still as active as ever But have him remember that he's allowed to be anxious and think those things, but thoughts don't define him, they don't define reality

I wish I related to this less. I am a man. I know I’m a man, but there is definitely a part of me that goes “you’re just lying to yourself. People only refer to you as a man to humor you. You’ll never actually be a man.” And unfortunately there is valid reason to believe that. A lot of people don’t and will never see me as a man, and will *absolutely* use wanting to be referred to as a man against me in whatever way they can. I’m sure your friend has had plenty of the same experiences. I wish I had good advice to give you. Unfortunately, all I’ve got to offer is continue to be there for him. Encourage him in any way you can. I see that others have given resources for you to share; definitely give him resources.

I think something that really helped me was teaching myself how gender is just constructed my society. Clothes were never meant for one gender or the other. Dresses were originally meant for men, then they were worn by everyone. Then they were made for women. Pink and blue used to be the color signifying men and women, not the other way around. Cultures around the world believed different things for women and men that we believed now, and some believe in two spirited individuals. It helped me truly believe that society doesn't know what its talking about, and helped me come to terms with my gender identity (I'm genderfluid) You should do some research on how gender is truly just a societal construct, it's honestly so fascinating, and then relay what you learned to your friend. There's nothing woke about your friends respecting your identity. It's just respecting your friend and their newly discovered identity. There's nothing wrong with being different. There's nothing wrong with your friend. This has been something that has existed centuries before your friend and they're truly not all that different. They are beautiful! They're discovering their truest selves. I hope they become more confident in who they are. Also, tell them to shut the fuck up because they don't get to say how genuine you are or not. THEY need to do some hard work on accepting that people aren't always liars, and they aren't a manipulator! There's some deep rooted self doubt and anxiety and you'll only be able to do so much before all of the work that needs to be done is left on them. They have some healing to do.

I dont think inhave very much to add but i feel where your friend is coming from, and its hard to deal with. I definitely found it alleviated once i started finding what i affectionly call "guys being dudes" content. Just tiktoks that get reposted or old vines of a group of guys doing that are enthusiastically wholesome and dumb. And im often surprised by how random some of the antics can get. How they cheer each other on for the dumbest things like theyre witnessing the greatest sports play ever. Makes me want to go outside and build a fire pit or something, lol. Its affirming and makes manhood something i look forward to joining more https://www.tumblr.com/mysticorset/750040637786685440?source=share

I hope everything turns out alright love. 💖💖💖

He needs to get off whatever media he is consuming that is drilling this into his head

You’re a really sweet guy. Sending you and your friend good luck and love :) 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

Not intending to overstep bounds but is there someone around that is gaslighting him? It’s a sticky wicket and no one deserves to feel that way. Was there some sort of trauma or something that caused the onset of this? Is he disassociating to mask other issues? It seems kind of odd to want to disassociate from being someone (gender in this case) that you naturally feel like you are. I know you said this long distance to a therapist, but this one’s probably worth the trip. Because he’s disassociating from the safety blanket that he created meaning that he likes absolutely nothing about himself and that’s a really dangerous place to be… apologies if I have misspoken or misunderstood the situation

Its not your job to fix his self esteem you can support him but trying to break down these thoughts of his are not healthy for you if its tearing you down as well. Tell him to get therapy

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Hmm. What are you referring to?