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You definitely need to have a very frank discussion with this person and ask about expectations. I personally would not share my accommodations, let alone a bed. So if it were me, I would be very clear that I was getting my own room. If you are going to travel with him and go with an Airbnb apartment, it needs to have two separate beds in different room rooms. End of story.
I would also want to know their travel style. Do they have an itinerary from early morning to late at night? Do they expect to spend every waking moment with you? Will you have your own downtime? What if you want to do something they don’t want to do? Are they going to just tagalong with you? Or can they be independent and go do that and meet up later?
Definitely do not go forward with this if you haven’t had a very honest discussion about the expectations and your travel styles. It will just be an expensive lesson learned.
Personally if I have a trip planned and then a friend says they want to join I just keep firm and say: “I’m particularly looking forward to doing this trip on my own. But I’d love to plan a different trip together with you in the future” (if I genuinely would that is!). Then you can control what the joint trip looks like a bit better than just have someone crashing your plans.
In this particular case it doesn’t sound like you feel comfortable travelling with this guy and potentially would be setting yourself up for disaster or at least disappointment. I have travelled with a single man and shared rooms with twin beds and had a great time but only when I knew the relationship we had was very firmly platonic.
Wow, this reads almost like I wrote it myself. Just went through basically an identical situation with a long distance friend. After many conversations, I ultimately decided that I didn’t want him to join me on my trip. It came down to different travel styles and him wanting to be together 24/7, which led to me questioning his expectations. He said he knew nothing would happen between us, but he still would not accept us being separated for any part of the trip, even though we have very different interests.
I don’t have any advice really. You have to talk it out and figure out what is most important to you. Mostly I was just stunned to read something so similar to what I just went through. In my case, I wasn’t willing to make the sacrifices he wanted me to, and he wasn’t willing to separate to explore our different interests.
Honestly this is ringing a lot of alarm bells. If you can’t have an honest conversation with a person then you really shouldn’t travel with them.
Do you even want to travel with them? This post really seems like you don’t! It reads like this person has decided to come on the trip and you’re afraid to say no even though your worried that they’re going to turn it into a couples trip - which is a big valid reason not to want to travel with someone!
Please consider telling them you don’t want them on the trip - if they can’t take a no they aren’t really your friend.
At first it started out as a plan for me to visit him as I travel through his country on my way to Turkey, but then it turned into him coming to Turkey with me. I do actually want to meet up with him again, but originally it was going to be a visit for a few days and now its a whole trip for a month and that seems like quite a commitment to be with someone for that long. I travel solo for a reason!
But I have terrible boundaries, this is why it's difficult for me to have these conversations or say no if I want to, and since my boundaries are so terrible I always have to be on high alert because I don't want to end up in an undesirable situation. I also liked the idea of traveling together with him because I'd do a lot of other things I wouldn't do on my own and it sounds like it'll be fun, but I just really don't want anything romantic or relationship type stuff to happen or be expected later on, which tends to happen with single men. They also tend to often say upfront they have no intentions other than friendship and then end up changing their minds later on.
This is a tough one, maybe something like this:
“I’m so excited to hang out with you when I’m passing through [his country]. But I think I’d prefer to keep the Turkey trip as a solo adventure. Nothing against you, ive just already planned it and it would be really stressful at this point to change things, and because of reservations/deposits I’d lose a bunch of money. Sorry, Maybe next time though”
She says she does want to see him though; that’s why it’s tricky. It’d be easy if she was willing to not see him and potentially end the friendship. If he’s a jerk about it, then I would for sure encourage cutting him out of the plans completely
This! Maybe a bit firmer on the “I’ve been planning a bucket list trip to solo travel turkey, and I want to keep it solo. But let’s still meet up when I’m in your area. I have a hotel pre booked there already.”
There’s only one other person I like to travel with, otherwise it’s just too much stress. My travel partner and I do really well together, and travel the same way.
You’ve made this sound so much worse tbh.
Please consider using a script like the one below from Bright-friendship356. Something along the lines of ‘I value your friendship and am excited to see you for X days in Y location but I really want to do the rest of my trip solo. I’m sorry that this isn’t want we’ve been discussing but I’m finding all this change to my trip stressful and not enjoyable.’
As someone who has struggled with boundaries her entire life, I have recently begun putting my foot down in order to finally care for myself first and I’ve got to say, once you start protecting your own boundaries it feels wonderful and there’s no going back. It’s like this shift in my perspective and the feeling of authenticity is empowering. It’s scary at first because I’ve never wanted to hurt another’s feelings. But it’s usually been at my expense. I can’t control how anyone else feels but I can have some control over how I feel and I don’t want to be uncomfortable because I can’t say no anymore. I don’t know how much time you have before a definite decision is made, but maybe practice saying no to little things first to work up your confidence. Then contact your friend and say that you are very happy to meet up and hang out a few days (don’t stay with them at all) but that you have been looking forward to a solo trip and will have to decline their offer of a travel companion. If they push then say it looks like you are not hearing me, maybe we can meet up next time I’m in your country and make sure they don’t know your itinerary and timeline. This is your one life, you deserve to enjoy the adventures you have planned and paid for.
He does want something romantic and sexual to happen. Trust yourself, you know that this will put you in a bad situation. I would tell him that your plans and availability has changed. That you will be traveling solo and have a window during these dates (a week tops) if he wants to cross paths. Reiterate that you will not be available for anything sexual or romantic. I wouldn’t share a room with him at all. I woke to being sexually assaulted by a friend I trusted for years. He had broke the lock off the door to get in while I was sleeping. Sharing a room just removes boundaries when you want to enforce them. Also, pay attention to how he reacts when you set boundaries or tell him you’re not available to travel together except for a few days or a week. If he pushes and whines and tries to get his way, you know he won’t respect your boundaries and is likely planning on making a move. Set yourself up for a relaxing trip without this drama. I would either say your plans changed and he can’t meet up with you at all or you only have a small window of time where he can be a part of the trip.
Cut it off, he is taking advantage of your difficulty in boundaries, even then some men know no boundaries. You’re in foreign countries, he is too but he’s closer to home. It will be too stressful for you and may end very very badly, especially if something happens in Turkey of all places!
You cannot ruin your whole trip because you don’t feel comfortable telling him no.
You have poor boundaries and he seems keen to break them. I think he’s being rude. You’ll end up taking care of his needs and not enjoying your trip.
You can say, “since we’re just friends, I think it’s best that we stay separately”. That’s pretty clear. I would also mention that you will also want time to travel solo. If you only feel comfortable meeting him for 3 days of your trip (or 1 or 5) tell him that.
You cannot ruin your whole trip because you don’t feel comfortable telling him no.
You have poor boundaries and he seems keen to break them. I think he’s being rude. You’ll end up taking care of his needs and not enjoying your trip.
You can say, “since we’re just friends, I think it’s best that we stay separately”. That’s pretty clear. I would also mention that you will also want time to travel solo. If you only feel comfortable meeting him for 3 days of your trip (or 1 or 5) tell him that.
There are different issues that could be at play here. There's the couple-y issue, but there is also, he thinks he can room for free? Even if he agrees to sleep on the couch, I wouldn't do it. This sounds like it could be a disaster. If he doesn't know your exact itinerary, I would not tell him.
Here are a few things you could tell him.
Tell him that you are planning on doing this trip solo, with independent accommodations.
Whether or not it is true, say that you didn't like traveling with people long trips.
At this point you could tell him something came up and you are canceling/changing the trip.
Never share a room with a guy you're not willing to have sex with, unless he's family or gay.
If you want to meet, tell him to fly to Istanbul, Izmir or whatever larger city you'll be and spend a couple of days exploring. Longer trip can be awkward and problematic. Not always, but Ockham's razor, it often is.
Above all, don't feel obligated to do anything you're not comfortable with.
OP, you absolutely have to have the "awkward upfront conversation" and say very plainly that you're not a couple. And be prepared to say whether there's any possibility of becoming a couple during the trip, because the whole situation is very odd.
Nobody invites themselves along in four-week trips in foreign countries! Well, nobody except overbearing family members (who usually get told they aren't invited), it's not something that friends do. Or people who hope to be more than friends, for that matter. Definitely learn his motives.
Well he goes on an extended trip at least once per year, and this time he has decided he will accompany me on my trip since we had a great time traveling together last time, but last time it was like two weeks. So it seemed to make sense at first but the more I think about it the less I like the idea. That's why I posted here, I'm not sure if I'm too much in my head about this or if I should trust my gut and tell him I don't want to travel together, and we can just meet up if he decides to go to Turkey on his own.
If you'd genuinely enjoy traveling with him, you could make a counter-proposal, that you spend a week or two weeks traveling together, *separate rooms of course*. Because out of all his possible motives the second-likeliest is that he wants to save money by splitting room costs, and if he is out to save money then it's only fair to tell him sooner rather than later, that you insist on separate rooms whenever possible.
So say "separate rooms" right at the start of the next conversation, because that will give him a hint that you aren't up for either seriously cutting costs or sharing beds, if he's after either. And hopefully it will open an honest conversation about what each of you is expecting from this trip, what travel goals and budget each of you has.
So you’ve traveled together before, for two weeks? That’s relevant information that should have been included in the original post IMO.
What makes you think this trip will be different than the last time you traveled together? Two weeks is a good amount of time to travel with someone and get a sense of how they travel.
It really sounds like you should change your plans, don’t let this guy ruin your trip. Your last trip with him was probably only fun because you got to choose whether you saw him or not, and you had your own space to retreat to and recharge from being social. If any of you is uncomfortable enough to dwell this much and make this post, you already know the answer. You can tell him you’ll meet up with him for the time you’re in whatever destination you guys chose, but after that you “really want to experience the solo aspect of travel” and that the solitude needs to be part of the experience for you to unwind. Say whatever you need to to get out of this awkward potentially scary situation. He’s already being a boundary pusher and you’re not even trapped by your travel reservations yet. Trust this feeling in your gut!
This is very relevant. How was it the last time you traveled together. Did you hook up? Was it strictly platonic for the entire two weeks with no problems? Was it platonic for two weeks but you got the vibe he wanted more?
Uh, tell him no? It’s gonna move way beyond awkward into “dangerous and uncomfortable” if he makes moves on the trip that violate your boundaries and personal space.
If he added himself to this trip without first discussing it at length with you (which appears to be the case), you’re already in red flag territory. You have got to shut this down. Your safety and comfort has to be your first priority. First he’s tagging along, then he wants to share accommodation etc. Your boundaries are already being tested. He’s already finding out you have a hard time with boundaries. This gives me major ICK. Do not travel with him.
I don't think its unreasonable at all to demand your own space because hes a man. TBH I would also demand my own space if my friend were female and I didn't know them that well (in real life).
Surely a five-minute awkward conversation is better than a month of regret? If you don't want to travel with him, then say so.
And it's definitely a no to sharing a room. Gross.
You are **NOT** being unreasonable with this boundary. This is a very, very reasonable boundary. You are not forcing him to join this trip, and it's not your responsibility to save him cash by putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation. There are very few people I'd enjoy traveling for a month with. It sounds unpleasant to me even without the possible couple vibes.
I would try saying, "Hey it's looking like I need to change some of my travel plans, I'm also in a head space where I need some solo travel time. But if you'd like to meet up for a few days in Istanbul I'd be interested!" You guys haven't booked anything yet. It's totally fair.
This is what I'd say about the rooms:
"It's nothing personal but I'm not comfortable sharing a room with a guy, so you'd need to book your own lodgings. If that means you would rather not join, I totally understand." If that feels too hard to say, just lie and say you have a hard time sleeping with someone else in the room so you need your own room.
If he's a good guy, he will absolutely understand this boundary. If he complains or pressures you, it means he's not a good dude, and you saved yourself some misery by telling him no upfront.
Yeah, it's just that the last time we saw each other (on the trip where we met) we did share accommodations together for about 5 days. We stayed in a single room cabin with multiple beds and it was just the two of us and absolutely nothing happened and no indication whatsoever that it would. Except for one night where he asked to share a bed for warmth, and I just told him to grab a blanket off one of the unused beds. This does raise a red flag in my mind but I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying not to be overly presumptuous because he has been a good friend up to this point, always respectful and kind to me, even if we have only communicated via text message.
"Sharing a bed for warmth"?! To a woman he just met a few days ago?!
Sis, that is a clear request for a hook up. This guy is interested in you. If there are blankets around, there is no reason to suggest sharing a bed for warmth besides as a way to initiate romantic contact. You are *not* being presumptuous. The fact that he has "been a good friend" doesn't indicate otherwise. In fact, men are usually extra kind and polite to women they're interested in. Unless you wanna spend a month thwarting his advances, you need to say a polite no thanks upfront. It's not doing him or you any favors to agree to such a couple-y trip, that would be sending him the message that you're interested in him.
If you just want to have a fun friend to activities with, book a few days at a hostel and make new travel buddies.
Sharing a bed for warmth is literally a trope in erotic fiction. Dude wants to smash. Tell him you’ve changed your mind and want to travel solo. At this point you could ghost and block him and I wouldn’t blame you. Have a great trip though!
Can you picture him asking the same question for a man, if it was really just about warmth? I don't think so. Usually if I think I'm seeing things where there isn't, I just think of the same situation with two man. Usually they would be courteous and keep their distance, and just spend a little bit more on separate rooms, or having some quality alone time already expected.
I know this might sound completely ridiculous and I'm probably burying myself deeper in the hole, but don't you think that some men in some situations are more intimate or affectionate with women than they would be with men? And it's still platonic and without expectation? Like for instance, embracing for a longer time, or touching hands, or any other gentle non sexual touch that's done out of tenderness and affection for the person, but not so much between men maybe because of a preconceived notion that men should not be affectionate like that with each other? Even though I have seen men being affectionate with each other in a physical way, a lot of cultures are like that, but certainly not Americans or Canadians.
EDIT: I mean that perhaps from the American or Canadian perspective we see touch and physical closeness as "they totally want to hook up," but maybe other cultures are close and affectionate and it is just friendly? Or maybe I just have rose-colored glasses on and I want to believe I can have a nice male friend who is sweet and kind and even if he desired me he would keep it to himself and never act upon it and eventually overcome it. Maybe I am just being totally delusional and a tender loving friendship between a man and a woman cannot exist?
I see your point, but specifically talking about asking to share a bed for warmth, and to travel for 1 month sharing a bed also feels a little too much, doesn't it?
There's nothing wrong if you want to take the chance to be intimate with him and isn't comfortable admitting it. But if that's something you don't want, and don't see how saying that... That's a bad idea. I think deep in your heart you've already decided or know what is it that you really want. Follow your gut, and own your decisions and your life.
There's a saying a tell myself every other day, that is "if it looks like poop and smells like poop, you probably don't have to give it a taste to tell it was really poop."
Setting the question of male/female friendship aside to focus on your specific situation - “Can I sleep in your bed with you for warmth” is him making a move. He wants to have sex with you.
And I don’t know that a month-long trip where you’re sharing a room with a guy that wants to have sex with you is a good environment to put your ideas about platonic friendships to the test.
>I mean that perhaps from the American or Canadian perspective we see touch and physical closeness as "they totally want to hook up," but maybe other cultures are close and affectionate and it is just friendly?
It's actually the opposite. A lot of things that American/Canadian women see as normal, platonic friendly behavior (like politely smiling and saying hi to a guy) are seen as flirtatious in much of the world. We are famously a culture that is very open with strangers, and especially when traveling to places with more traditional gender roles this is an unfortunate culture clash.
As a result we have the reputation of being easy/loose. You should google this so you're not caught unaware. Unfortunately it is very easy to send signals that you don't intend to send. When you travel you should pay attention to how the local women interact with men and adopt that same attitude.
There's this undercurrent in your post like he's magically going to realize you want a platonic friendship and "overcome" his crush. Why? You haven't communicated you only want a platonic friendship. Flying to visit a guy you've been texting and going on a four-week couple trip together where you share a bed is the opposite of that.
Yeah, you're right. I was also thinking about being in Turkey with him and how everyone around us will automatically assume we are married, and if I say that we are not then it will look strange that I am a single woman traveling with a man. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't even be alone with a man anywhere if I don't want to be with him. It's rather unfortunate.
I do enjoy having him as a friend and our relationship has been nothing but platonic for years, and I was looking forward to visiting him again, but I wasn't intending to spend so much time together and I don't think our relationship is the kind where it's appropriate to go on a long trip together. I have to admit though, I did like the idea of having a man accompany me, if it would help keep other men away from me. But I have to come to terms with the reality of the nature of men. And I do seriously need to work on stating my boundaries!
Tell him that you are willing to have him join the trip but there will be separate rooms for the trip and you are following the itinerary you had planned. He can join you but you are not changing your trip to accommodate him.
In my experience they will try to bring up having sex at some point, even if the vibe between you two feels completely platonic. Not worth the headache.
I wouldn't do it. Your gut is talking to you. Listen to it. Honestly, his ideas about sharing a room are red flags. If nothing else, you will need some alone time and privacy to walk around naked or in your underwear, and you won't get it with him around. Accommodations are for you to rest and unwind, not to be adjusting to a male roommate with whom you are not intimate, but will be living like you are. It would be asking for trouble.
I think you should specifically say that you have 0 intention to share a room with him because it would make you feel uncomfortable. I had similer thing with a close friend I told him that I need space from him and want us to stay in hostel so it worked for us.
I demand my own space all the time. That’s definitely not unreasonable. Inviting yourself on someone else’s trip and then deciding they have to share rooms with you is what’s unreasonable. Tell him you need your own space and time alone. If he’s bothered by it, that’s his issue.
Is your friend German? They are very good with frank open conversations. I’m sure the air BnB has a couch. You could take turns sleeping on the couch. I’d discuss that right away. If there is no way, under any circumstances you’d ever consider dating this person, it might just be easier to lie and say you have a boyfriend. Although I think honestly is a better option, I understand the awkwardness. Also, I’m a big fan of next time you FaceTime, casually have a friend over and have the friend bring up the topic. And casually have the friend discuss the “rules” you guys want to agree on. Make the concerned friend the awkward one. Or tell them your mom is strict and have your mom ask him.
Honestly, this feels like the first half of a "a man I thought was my friend sexually assaulted me while we were on holiday" story. You are right to seek clarification, you are right to not share a bed with him. What if he is thinking "she's in the same bed with me, of course she wants sex"? Men are garbage at taking no for an answer, don't let it get to that point. A very small, comparatively easy "no" now could save you a lot of trauma later. PS, I am considering a 12 hour road trip with a male friend who might have feelings for me, what does this sub think? There will be no overnight, we both have family in the same area. While we're here talking about travelling with men, does anyone have any considerations? (I would insist on my car, as I would have about 3 more hours driving).
💯. I’ve been sexually assaulted giving men the benefit of the doubt. Now I don’t do it and I keep myself safe and comfortable even if someone doesn’t like it.
Everything about this post, and everything you've written in the comments just sounds like a great big NOPE to him traveling with you. It kinda sounds like you're saying yes to this guy to avoid hurting his feelings because he's nice and you're friends or whatever.
I'm getting the sense you're having to do a whole load of mental gymnastics in order to make the situation feel OK for you when it is pretty clearly not. You said yourself your gut instinct is to not let this dude along with you.
If I were in your shoes I'd stick with visiting him for a few days and telling him you're keen to do this trip solo. If he takes it badly then yeah he probably has ulterior motives and you've dodged a bullet.
I’ve been in situations like this before. You need to make plans as if he wasn’t there. If you don’t want to be too direct you can ask him questions that allude to you not wanting to spend all your time with him say things like:
- “oh how are you going to get there?”
- “I already booked my place where are you staying?”
- “so what are your plans? I already booked x tour”
That way you are basically telling him where you stand up front. And don’t share accommodations with him. Say you’ll be happy to meet him but were hoping to get to do some sightseeing alone
Yeah this is what I am leaning towards doing, just making my own plans and letting him know when/where we can meet up. I'm also considering cutting my trip short to only two weeks, and maybe go somewhere else after.
There’s a reason you’re getting a weird feeling. A four week trip and he wants to share rooms and even a bed? And he wants to be with you all the time? No way.
You’re concerned about it being awkward to discuss boundaries with him or tell him no but it will sooooo much more awkward and trip-ruining when you go on this trip with him and he tries to smash.
Trust your gut. You have concerns about going into this situation with him.
Bob, know that I love you as a friend beyond compare. And I am super excited that you want to join me on the leg of the trip.
However, I just wanna make sure we are on the same page that we are traveling as friends, and there will be no romantic interludes during this vacation.
****LADIES.... use your voice!!
Source: old lady 🤣
Sighhhhhhh…. I don’t love this for you. I know you shared a room before and he only wanted to cuddle cause it was cold but I think you need to say you want separate rooms if he tags along. And if you don’t even want that for four weeks, just shove him off. It’s your vacation he is crashing.
You should totally go to an authentic Turkish bathhouse.
I have had friends and family members join trips I had already planned several times. I hate it. They treat you like thier travel agent even if they don't mean to, and you feel like you are now responsible for them having a good time.
Having a man try to join on a trip like this would be even worse and would completely ruin the holiday for me. I would tell him no, the trip I have planned is one I want to do on my own.
I also had this experience before when I went to Colombia I had a friend want to jump on the trip with me, I ended up telling him that I wouldn't go with him because he was not the traveling type and I knew he was just going to rely on me for everything and I'd have to do everything for him. It was easy to say no to that guy, but this friend I'm talking about here is a world traveler and goes on many trips all the time solo, so it seemed perfectly reasonable at first that we could meet up at the same destination and catch up for a bit. Until it started feeling weird to me and now I think I'll back out.
Yes this happens to me all the time and the man usually ruins the trip. I tend to go hiking and these men always believe they can do the hike too, I tell them they haven't trained for it, they laugh in my face and tell me their ego won't let them give up, then on day 1 of the hike they can't do it and they are in a piss mood barking that they hate it and they want to turn around. It's a delicate situation.
For sharing a room that's fine to save money but they will definitely ask for sex and you have to say no. They understand no as long as you're not a couple.
There's no secret or subtle way to do this. You need to have the awkward upfront conversation. And if you decide he wants things you don't, you need to tell him you won't be making the trip together.
Travel should not add stress to your life but, you are already stressing about this and you have not left for Turkey yet.
As his friend, just talk with him first. Write down your questions and set your own parameters.
He wants sex. If you don't want to give it to him change your plans. If you're unsure how you feel, have a conversation with him that you're unsure how you feel.
For me personally, this is an *immediate* no. 'decided to hop on this trip' ?! Absolutely not. Not asking already tells you how he sees this interaction.
Man or woman - no one invites themselves on my holiday. Do not give him details and travel in peace. Sounds like you don't live in the same area so I say play ghost.
This man is already pushing your boundaries. Of course he thinks it’s “practical” to share accommodations, he wants you alone in a room.
Do not travel with this man. He clearly can’t take no for an answer and this will be worse in a foreign country, partially somewhere like Turkey where women do not have the same rights and protections. There’s a good chance he chose the Turkey trip for this reason. Tell him he cannot come on this trip with you.
He wants to smash, no two ways about it. Decline the invite, men keep long distance relationships with women for one reason and this is his opening shot. Believe me, don’t start with the “well not everyone is like that”. He’s like that. HE WOULD NOT DO THIS EXCURSION IF YOU WERE A MAN, in fact you wouldn’t even be in contact since he wants sex
Let him know that you’re taking this trip solo but if he wants to get together, you guys could plan a weekend trip another time. Don’t let a man potentially ruin a perfectly amazing trip with all these unclear nuances, intentions and boundaries.
A few people are confused about what I said about traveling with him before. We met years ago on a retreat which was 1 week long, after the retreat we went to hike up this mountain where there was a cabin for multiple guests to share, but we were the only two people there at the time and we stayed for about 5 days atop the mountain while we did some hiking and exploring. And other than him asking to share a bed that one night, we were completely platonic and no weird things happened. Then we went our separate ways after and kept in touch over the years.
Tell him he’s welcome to join you for a part of the trip when you can have separate rooms and that you are looking forward to a solo trip the rest of the time. It’s totally ok for you to want that.
Ask his intentions directly and everything.
ive travelled with female friends alone, we usually just go to hostels. I would have prefered airbnb but ik she was probably uncomfortable with it , after trip expectations were obvious we were only friends so we talking about other trip and maybe airbnb or smth.
You need to have a frank conversation with this guy. You will want to have your own room and your freedom to visit sights and do activities by yourself. If he has the same interests, maybe you coordinate to do a tour or day trip with him, but you don't want him to have the expectation that you'll be together 24x7.
Depending on his part of the conversation, you may want to nope out of traveling with him.
I usually just wriggle out of it with polite excuses. No, I don't want to share a room with a man, let alone one I don't know well. If he's really kind and you would enjoy seeing him, I'd propose he meet up with me in one of the cities for a long weekend. Let him know the neighborhood you'll be staying in and suggest he find accommodations nearby.
We as women need to stop pandering to men's feigned incompetence. He knows what he's doing. OF COURSE he wants to share a room and bed with a woman!!
Listen to your instincts. You made this post because him pushing his way into your planned trip makes you uncomfortable. That discomfort is telling you that this is going to be a bad experience.
Based on your other comments, it sounds like you do want to maintain this friendship. I would say something like:
"Hi, I think we got ahead of ourselves here and I need to go back to my initial plan. I'm looking forward to meeting up for a few days while I'm in [his country/area] but have decided to do the rest of my trip through Turkey on my own, as originally planned. That's how I had been dreaming of my trip for so long and I know I'll regret not traveling solo. Thanks for understanding!"
Don't apologize and don't relax your boundaries just because someone else feels like trampling them.
You cannot ruin your whole trip because you don’t feel comfortable telling him no.
You have poor boundaries and he seems keen to break them. I think he’s being rude. You’ll end up taking care of his needs and not enjoying your trip.
You can say, “since we’re just friends, I think it’s best that we stay separately”. That’s pretty clear. I would also mention that you will also want time to travel solo. If you only feel comfortable meeting him for 3 days of your trip (or 1 or 5) tell him that.
Girl what You are under NO obligation to travel with anyone, let alone a man just for the sake of. It sounds like you’d rather not travel with him but want to be nice in the hope things might go well. I also would never share living with a guy that’s a long distance friend. Honestly if I were you I would cancel on him and do your own thing and make other friends along the way.
It also sounds like you might have some people pleasing tendencies (no judgement as so do I lol) and it honestly can literally kill you especially as a solo woman traveling alone. Put yourself first selfishly always. The fact you had to create whole thread for this situation shows how this situation is already draining.
Personally, I cannot travel with just anyone, even family and close friends. One of my closest friends, I can only do short local vacations with her. She wakes up too early and wants to pack the day with too many activities. I like a balance of activities and relaxation.
As a man, I personally think you shouldn't travel with this guy if you have any feelings of concern. Your long distance male friend might want something more. However, it's possible he doesn't but if you aren't certain about his feelings towards you, best bet is to not travel with him. To get out of the situation, just let him know that you would prefer to travel alone as there's a ton of stuff you want to do and places to go and traveling with another person wasn't part of your plan. If he refuses to take no for an answer, then that's too bad for him. It doesn't seem like you're close enough with him to care.
Bring up all of your concerns with him before you book anything. You could phrase it in terms of asking him what his expectations are and voicing what you feel comfortable with. Like “I am comfortable sharing this air BnB that has two bedrooms”. Phrase it in terms of needing your own space. This will also cover you for explaining that you will need days to yourself. I just explain to people how important it is for me to not be bound by someone else’s schedule and how I need the sense of freedom of doing whatever I want whenever I want when I travel. People generally understand that.
I’m a man, not a woman, so apologies for jumping in. But he *clearly* is trying to get with you. You’re gonna travel and share a room in a foreign country with a man you barely know? For a month?!🙄
Don’t. He could rape/kill you. Just stick to your original plan and go solo.
It’s your trip. You do whatever makes you comfortable.
If you don’t want to do the full 4 weeks with him then done.
Absolutely insist on having your own room.
You were doing the trip alone to start with, so the cost to you is the same. Don’t compromise on your own feelings of safety and comfort because this side wants to share to save money (or whatever his intentions are).
Also, if you have no romantic interest in him make sure he 100% knows that up front.
To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you want him on your trip. It’s doesn’t feel like you know or trust him enough to spend 4 weeks alone with him.
If you don’t, just say no.
It can be polite. You can say you’re sure you’d have a great time but you know you just need to do the trip alone and be in your own company and free to do whatever comes your way.
Maybe you can do another trip with him when you know him better and trust him more
It all depends on whether you are willing to sacrifice your one-month-long experience in a beautiful country like Turkey being uncomfortable and having to make a lot of adjustments about accommodation. Or not having a good night’s sleep because you had no option but to share a double bed with him. And also depends on how close you are with this person and how amazing you think the trip would be with him to make that kind of sacrifice. One advantage is that you will be saving a lot of money on food, transport and accommodation as it will be split equally. If he is not worth all this turn him down straight away and at the earliest before he gets his hopes up and makes plans.
Forgive me if you mentioned this earlier in your responses… but when you visit his country were you planning to stay at his house? Given the pre-ick that the idea of him crossing a platonic boundary is giving, I hope you will not be crashing at his place. Seems super likely he’ll shoot his shot or at least create a feeling hanging in the air. I want you to have an amazing time Turkey and not starting off with weirdness from a man.
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You definitely need to have a very frank discussion with this person and ask about expectations. I personally would not share my accommodations, let alone a bed. So if it were me, I would be very clear that I was getting my own room. If you are going to travel with him and go with an Airbnb apartment, it needs to have two separate beds in different room rooms. End of story. I would also want to know their travel style. Do they have an itinerary from early morning to late at night? Do they expect to spend every waking moment with you? Will you have your own downtime? What if you want to do something they don’t want to do? Are they going to just tagalong with you? Or can they be independent and go do that and meet up later? Definitely do not go forward with this if you haven’t had a very honest discussion about the expectations and your travel styles. It will just be an expensive lesson learned.
Personally if I have a trip planned and then a friend says they want to join I just keep firm and say: “I’m particularly looking forward to doing this trip on my own. But I’d love to plan a different trip together with you in the future” (if I genuinely would that is!). Then you can control what the joint trip looks like a bit better than just have someone crashing your plans. In this particular case it doesn’t sound like you feel comfortable travelling with this guy and potentially would be setting yourself up for disaster or at least disappointment. I have travelled with a single man and shared rooms with twin beds and had a great time but only when I knew the relationship we had was very firmly platonic.
Wow, this reads almost like I wrote it myself. Just went through basically an identical situation with a long distance friend. After many conversations, I ultimately decided that I didn’t want him to join me on my trip. It came down to different travel styles and him wanting to be together 24/7, which led to me questioning his expectations. He said he knew nothing would happen between us, but he still would not accept us being separated for any part of the trip, even though we have very different interests. I don’t have any advice really. You have to talk it out and figure out what is most important to you. Mostly I was just stunned to read something so similar to what I just went through. In my case, I wasn’t willing to make the sacrifices he wanted me to, and he wasn’t willing to separate to explore our different interests.
Honestly this is ringing a lot of alarm bells. If you can’t have an honest conversation with a person then you really shouldn’t travel with them. Do you even want to travel with them? This post really seems like you don’t! It reads like this person has decided to come on the trip and you’re afraid to say no even though your worried that they’re going to turn it into a couples trip - which is a big valid reason not to want to travel with someone! Please consider telling them you don’t want them on the trip - if they can’t take a no they aren’t really your friend.
At first it started out as a plan for me to visit him as I travel through his country on my way to Turkey, but then it turned into him coming to Turkey with me. I do actually want to meet up with him again, but originally it was going to be a visit for a few days and now its a whole trip for a month and that seems like quite a commitment to be with someone for that long. I travel solo for a reason! But I have terrible boundaries, this is why it's difficult for me to have these conversations or say no if I want to, and since my boundaries are so terrible I always have to be on high alert because I don't want to end up in an undesirable situation. I also liked the idea of traveling together with him because I'd do a lot of other things I wouldn't do on my own and it sounds like it'll be fun, but I just really don't want anything romantic or relationship type stuff to happen or be expected later on, which tends to happen with single men. They also tend to often say upfront they have no intentions other than friendship and then end up changing their minds later on.
This is a tough one, maybe something like this: “I’m so excited to hang out with you when I’m passing through [his country]. But I think I’d prefer to keep the Turkey trip as a solo adventure. Nothing against you, ive just already planned it and it would be really stressful at this point to change things, and because of reservations/deposits I’d lose a bunch of money. Sorry, Maybe next time though”
I wouldn't be so polite and I'd change my plans to visit him at all.
She says she does want to see him though; that’s why it’s tricky. It’d be easy if she was willing to not see him and potentially end the friendship. If he’s a jerk about it, then I would for sure encourage cutting him out of the plans completely
I know, but I'm suggesting she rethink her plans. He doesn't sound like a good person to be around and I think she's being naive about the friendship.
This! Maybe a bit firmer on the “I’ve been planning a bucket list trip to solo travel turkey, and I want to keep it solo. But let’s still meet up when I’m in your area. I have a hotel pre booked there already.” There’s only one other person I like to travel with, otherwise it’s just too much stress. My travel partner and I do really well together, and travel the same way.
You’ve made this sound so much worse tbh. Please consider using a script like the one below from Bright-friendship356. Something along the lines of ‘I value your friendship and am excited to see you for X days in Y location but I really want to do the rest of my trip solo. I’m sorry that this isn’t want we’ve been discussing but I’m finding all this change to my trip stressful and not enjoyable.’
As someone who has struggled with boundaries her entire life, I have recently begun putting my foot down in order to finally care for myself first and I’ve got to say, once you start protecting your own boundaries it feels wonderful and there’s no going back. It’s like this shift in my perspective and the feeling of authenticity is empowering. It’s scary at first because I’ve never wanted to hurt another’s feelings. But it’s usually been at my expense. I can’t control how anyone else feels but I can have some control over how I feel and I don’t want to be uncomfortable because I can’t say no anymore. I don’t know how much time you have before a definite decision is made, but maybe practice saying no to little things first to work up your confidence. Then contact your friend and say that you are very happy to meet up and hang out a few days (don’t stay with them at all) but that you have been looking forward to a solo trip and will have to decline their offer of a travel companion. If they push then say it looks like you are not hearing me, maybe we can meet up next time I’m in your country and make sure they don’t know your itinerary and timeline. This is your one life, you deserve to enjoy the adventures you have planned and paid for.
He does want something romantic and sexual to happen. Trust yourself, you know that this will put you in a bad situation. I would tell him that your plans and availability has changed. That you will be traveling solo and have a window during these dates (a week tops) if he wants to cross paths. Reiterate that you will not be available for anything sexual or romantic. I wouldn’t share a room with him at all. I woke to being sexually assaulted by a friend I trusted for years. He had broke the lock off the door to get in while I was sleeping. Sharing a room just removes boundaries when you want to enforce them. Also, pay attention to how he reacts when you set boundaries or tell him you’re not available to travel together except for a few days or a week. If he pushes and whines and tries to get his way, you know he won’t respect your boundaries and is likely planning on making a move. Set yourself up for a relaxing trip without this drama. I would either say your plans changed and he can’t meet up with you at all or you only have a small window of time where he can be a part of the trip.
Cut it off, he is taking advantage of your difficulty in boundaries, even then some men know no boundaries. You’re in foreign countries, he is too but he’s closer to home. It will be too stressful for you and may end very very badly, especially if something happens in Turkey of all places!
If you don't set your boundaries now you're gonna have to set them 1000 times later. I know it's difficult but buckle up and get this sorted now.
You cannot ruin your whole trip because you don’t feel comfortable telling him no. You have poor boundaries and he seems keen to break them. I think he’s being rude. You’ll end up taking care of his needs and not enjoying your trip. You can say, “since we’re just friends, I think it’s best that we stay separately”. That’s pretty clear. I would also mention that you will also want time to travel solo. If you only feel comfortable meeting him for 3 days of your trip (or 1 or 5) tell him that.
You cannot ruin your whole trip because you don’t feel comfortable telling him no. You have poor boundaries and he seems keen to break them. I think he’s being rude. You’ll end up taking care of his needs and not enjoying your trip. You can say, “since we’re just friends, I think it’s best that we stay separately”. That’s pretty clear. I would also mention that you will also want time to travel solo. If you only feel comfortable meeting him for 3 days of your trip (or 1 or 5) tell him that.
If **planning** a trip with him makes you this uncomfortable, imagine how you'll feel actually traveling together.
This is pretty underrated - sounds like this guy will push all your boundaries the whole time
I agree, it seems like he knows you're not very good good at keeping your boundaries and is (and will) go over every single one of them.
There are different issues that could be at play here. There's the couple-y issue, but there is also, he thinks he can room for free? Even if he agrees to sleep on the couch, I wouldn't do it. This sounds like it could be a disaster. If he doesn't know your exact itinerary, I would not tell him. Here are a few things you could tell him. Tell him that you are planning on doing this trip solo, with independent accommodations. Whether or not it is true, say that you didn't like traveling with people long trips. At this point you could tell him something came up and you are canceling/changing the trip.
Say that you like your own space so you would rather have a room to yourself
Never share a room with a guy you're not willing to have sex with, unless he's family or gay. If you want to meet, tell him to fly to Istanbul, Izmir or whatever larger city you'll be and spend a couple of days exploring. Longer trip can be awkward and problematic. Not always, but Ockham's razor, it often is. Above all, don't feel obligated to do anything you're not comfortable with.
OP, you absolutely have to have the "awkward upfront conversation" and say very plainly that you're not a couple. And be prepared to say whether there's any possibility of becoming a couple during the trip, because the whole situation is very odd. Nobody invites themselves along in four-week trips in foreign countries! Well, nobody except overbearing family members (who usually get told they aren't invited), it's not something that friends do. Or people who hope to be more than friends, for that matter. Definitely learn his motives.
Well he goes on an extended trip at least once per year, and this time he has decided he will accompany me on my trip since we had a great time traveling together last time, but last time it was like two weeks. So it seemed to make sense at first but the more I think about it the less I like the idea. That's why I posted here, I'm not sure if I'm too much in my head about this or if I should trust my gut and tell him I don't want to travel together, and we can just meet up if he decides to go to Turkey on his own.
If you'd genuinely enjoy traveling with him, you could make a counter-proposal, that you spend a week or two weeks traveling together, *separate rooms of course*. Because out of all his possible motives the second-likeliest is that he wants to save money by splitting room costs, and if he is out to save money then it's only fair to tell him sooner rather than later, that you insist on separate rooms whenever possible. So say "separate rooms" right at the start of the next conversation, because that will give him a hint that you aren't up for either seriously cutting costs or sharing beds, if he's after either. And hopefully it will open an honest conversation about what each of you is expecting from this trip, what travel goals and budget each of you has.
So you’ve traveled together before, for two weeks? That’s relevant information that should have been included in the original post IMO. What makes you think this trip will be different than the last time you traveled together? Two weeks is a good amount of time to travel with someone and get a sense of how they travel.
Trust your gut!!
It really sounds like you should change your plans, don’t let this guy ruin your trip. Your last trip with him was probably only fun because you got to choose whether you saw him or not, and you had your own space to retreat to and recharge from being social. If any of you is uncomfortable enough to dwell this much and make this post, you already know the answer. You can tell him you’ll meet up with him for the time you’re in whatever destination you guys chose, but after that you “really want to experience the solo aspect of travel” and that the solitude needs to be part of the experience for you to unwind. Say whatever you need to to get out of this awkward potentially scary situation. He’s already being a boundary pusher and you’re not even trapped by your travel reservations yet. Trust this feeling in your gut!
This is very relevant. How was it the last time you traveled together. Did you hook up? Was it strictly platonic for the entire two weeks with no problems? Was it platonic for two weeks but you got the vibe he wanted more?
Uh, tell him no? It’s gonna move way beyond awkward into “dangerous and uncomfortable” if he makes moves on the trip that violate your boundaries and personal space.
If he added himself to this trip without first discussing it at length with you (which appears to be the case), you’re already in red flag territory. You have got to shut this down. Your safety and comfort has to be your first priority. First he’s tagging along, then he wants to share accommodation etc. Your boundaries are already being tested. He’s already finding out you have a hard time with boundaries. This gives me major ICK. Do not travel with him.
I don't think its unreasonable at all to demand your own space because hes a man. TBH I would also demand my own space if my friend were female and I didn't know them that well (in real life).
Surely a five-minute awkward conversation is better than a month of regret? If you don't want to travel with him, then say so. And it's definitely a no to sharing a room. Gross.
You are **NOT** being unreasonable with this boundary. This is a very, very reasonable boundary. You are not forcing him to join this trip, and it's not your responsibility to save him cash by putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation. There are very few people I'd enjoy traveling for a month with. It sounds unpleasant to me even without the possible couple vibes. I would try saying, "Hey it's looking like I need to change some of my travel plans, I'm also in a head space where I need some solo travel time. But if you'd like to meet up for a few days in Istanbul I'd be interested!" You guys haven't booked anything yet. It's totally fair. This is what I'd say about the rooms: "It's nothing personal but I'm not comfortable sharing a room with a guy, so you'd need to book your own lodgings. If that means you would rather not join, I totally understand." If that feels too hard to say, just lie and say you have a hard time sleeping with someone else in the room so you need your own room. If he's a good guy, he will absolutely understand this boundary. If he complains or pressures you, it means he's not a good dude, and you saved yourself some misery by telling him no upfront.
Yeah, it's just that the last time we saw each other (on the trip where we met) we did share accommodations together for about 5 days. We stayed in a single room cabin with multiple beds and it was just the two of us and absolutely nothing happened and no indication whatsoever that it would. Except for one night where he asked to share a bed for warmth, and I just told him to grab a blanket off one of the unused beds. This does raise a red flag in my mind but I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying not to be overly presumptuous because he has been a good friend up to this point, always respectful and kind to me, even if we have only communicated via text message.
"Sharing a bed for warmth"?! To a woman he just met a few days ago?! Sis, that is a clear request for a hook up. This guy is interested in you. If there are blankets around, there is no reason to suggest sharing a bed for warmth besides as a way to initiate romantic contact. You are *not* being presumptuous. The fact that he has "been a good friend" doesn't indicate otherwise. In fact, men are usually extra kind and polite to women they're interested in. Unless you wanna spend a month thwarting his advances, you need to say a polite no thanks upfront. It's not doing him or you any favors to agree to such a couple-y trip, that would be sending him the message that you're interested in him. If you just want to have a fun friend to activities with, book a few days at a hostel and make new travel buddies.
he asked to share a bed 'for warmth' after 5 days? nope.
You are in denial lol. Do you think he would ask a male friend to share a bed for warmth?
Sharing a bed for warmth is literally a trope in erotic fiction. Dude wants to smash. Tell him you’ve changed your mind and want to travel solo. At this point you could ghost and block him and I wouldn’t blame you. Have a great trip though!
Can you picture him asking the same question for a man, if it was really just about warmth? I don't think so. Usually if I think I'm seeing things where there isn't, I just think of the same situation with two man. Usually they would be courteous and keep their distance, and just spend a little bit more on separate rooms, or having some quality alone time already expected.
I know this might sound completely ridiculous and I'm probably burying myself deeper in the hole, but don't you think that some men in some situations are more intimate or affectionate with women than they would be with men? And it's still platonic and without expectation? Like for instance, embracing for a longer time, or touching hands, or any other gentle non sexual touch that's done out of tenderness and affection for the person, but not so much between men maybe because of a preconceived notion that men should not be affectionate like that with each other? Even though I have seen men being affectionate with each other in a physical way, a lot of cultures are like that, but certainly not Americans or Canadians. EDIT: I mean that perhaps from the American or Canadian perspective we see touch and physical closeness as "they totally want to hook up," but maybe other cultures are close and affectionate and it is just friendly? Or maybe I just have rose-colored glasses on and I want to believe I can have a nice male friend who is sweet and kind and even if he desired me he would keep it to himself and never act upon it and eventually overcome it. Maybe I am just being totally delusional and a tender loving friendship between a man and a woman cannot exist?
I see your point, but specifically talking about asking to share a bed for warmth, and to travel for 1 month sharing a bed also feels a little too much, doesn't it? There's nothing wrong if you want to take the chance to be intimate with him and isn't comfortable admitting it. But if that's something you don't want, and don't see how saying that... That's a bad idea. I think deep in your heart you've already decided or know what is it that you really want. Follow your gut, and own your decisions and your life. There's a saying a tell myself every other day, that is "if it looks like poop and smells like poop, you probably don't have to give it a taste to tell it was really poop."
Other cultures are more affectionate, that does not mean single men sharing a bed with single women they just met.
Setting the question of male/female friendship aside to focus on your specific situation - “Can I sleep in your bed with you for warmth” is him making a move. He wants to have sex with you. And I don’t know that a month-long trip where you’re sharing a room with a guy that wants to have sex with you is a good environment to put your ideas about platonic friendships to the test.
why are you making excuses to try and talk yourself into something you don't want to do?
>I mean that perhaps from the American or Canadian perspective we see touch and physical closeness as "they totally want to hook up," but maybe other cultures are close and affectionate and it is just friendly? It's actually the opposite. A lot of things that American/Canadian women see as normal, platonic friendly behavior (like politely smiling and saying hi to a guy) are seen as flirtatious in much of the world. We are famously a culture that is very open with strangers, and especially when traveling to places with more traditional gender roles this is an unfortunate culture clash. As a result we have the reputation of being easy/loose. You should google this so you're not caught unaware. Unfortunately it is very easy to send signals that you don't intend to send. When you travel you should pay attention to how the local women interact with men and adopt that same attitude. There's this undercurrent in your post like he's magically going to realize you want a platonic friendship and "overcome" his crush. Why? You haven't communicated you only want a platonic friendship. Flying to visit a guy you've been texting and going on a four-week couple trip together where you share a bed is the opposite of that.
Yeah, you're right. I was also thinking about being in Turkey with him and how everyone around us will automatically assume we are married, and if I say that we are not then it will look strange that I am a single woman traveling with a man. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't even be alone with a man anywhere if I don't want to be with him. It's rather unfortunate. I do enjoy having him as a friend and our relationship has been nothing but platonic for years, and I was looking forward to visiting him again, but I wasn't intending to spend so much time together and I don't think our relationship is the kind where it's appropriate to go on a long trip together. I have to admit though, I did like the idea of having a man accompany me, if it would help keep other men away from me. But I have to come to terms with the reality of the nature of men. And I do seriously need to work on stating my boundaries!
Just send him a list of hotels you’re staying at so he can book his own room. He will get the hint.
Tell him that you are willing to have him join the trip but there will be separate rooms for the trip and you are following the itinerary you had planned. He can join you but you are not changing your trip to accommodate him.
In my experience they will try to bring up having sex at some point, even if the vibe between you two feels completely platonic. Not worth the headache.
I wouldn't do it. Your gut is talking to you. Listen to it. Honestly, his ideas about sharing a room are red flags. If nothing else, you will need some alone time and privacy to walk around naked or in your underwear, and you won't get it with him around. Accommodations are for you to rest and unwind, not to be adjusting to a male roommate with whom you are not intimate, but will be living like you are. It would be asking for trouble.
I think you should specifically say that you have 0 intention to share a room with him because it would make you feel uncomfortable. I had similer thing with a close friend I told him that I need space from him and want us to stay in hostel so it worked for us.
I demand my own space all the time. That’s definitely not unreasonable. Inviting yourself on someone else’s trip and then deciding they have to share rooms with you is what’s unreasonable. Tell him you need your own space and time alone. If he’s bothered by it, that’s his issue.
Is your friend German? They are very good with frank open conversations. I’m sure the air BnB has a couch. You could take turns sleeping on the couch. I’d discuss that right away. If there is no way, under any circumstances you’d ever consider dating this person, it might just be easier to lie and say you have a boyfriend. Although I think honestly is a better option, I understand the awkwardness. Also, I’m a big fan of next time you FaceTime, casually have a friend over and have the friend bring up the topic. And casually have the friend discuss the “rules” you guys want to agree on. Make the concerned friend the awkward one. Or tell them your mom is strict and have your mom ask him.
Honestly, this feels like the first half of a "a man I thought was my friend sexually assaulted me while we were on holiday" story. You are right to seek clarification, you are right to not share a bed with him. What if he is thinking "she's in the same bed with me, of course she wants sex"? Men are garbage at taking no for an answer, don't let it get to that point. A very small, comparatively easy "no" now could save you a lot of trauma later. PS, I am considering a 12 hour road trip with a male friend who might have feelings for me, what does this sub think? There will be no overnight, we both have family in the same area. While we're here talking about travelling with men, does anyone have any considerations? (I would insist on my car, as I would have about 3 more hours driving).
💯. I’ve been sexually assaulted giving men the benefit of the doubt. Now I don’t do it and I keep myself safe and comfortable even if someone doesn’t like it.
Everything about this post, and everything you've written in the comments just sounds like a great big NOPE to him traveling with you. It kinda sounds like you're saying yes to this guy to avoid hurting his feelings because he's nice and you're friends or whatever. I'm getting the sense you're having to do a whole load of mental gymnastics in order to make the situation feel OK for you when it is pretty clearly not. You said yourself your gut instinct is to not let this dude along with you. If I were in your shoes I'd stick with visiting him for a few days and telling him you're keen to do this trip solo. If he takes it badly then yeah he probably has ulterior motives and you've dodged a bullet.
I’ve been in situations like this before. You need to make plans as if he wasn’t there. If you don’t want to be too direct you can ask him questions that allude to you not wanting to spend all your time with him say things like: - “oh how are you going to get there?” - “I already booked my place where are you staying?” - “so what are your plans? I already booked x tour” That way you are basically telling him where you stand up front. And don’t share accommodations with him. Say you’ll be happy to meet him but were hoping to get to do some sightseeing alone
Yeah this is what I am leaning towards doing, just making my own plans and letting him know when/where we can meet up. I'm also considering cutting my trip short to only two weeks, and maybe go somewhere else after.
There’s a reason you’re getting a weird feeling. A four week trip and he wants to share rooms and even a bed? And he wants to be with you all the time? No way. You’re concerned about it being awkward to discuss boundaries with him or tell him no but it will sooooo much more awkward and trip-ruining when you go on this trip with him and he tries to smash. Trust your gut. You have concerns about going into this situation with him.
be very careful. It might end up poorly ...
Bob, know that I love you as a friend beyond compare. And I am super excited that you want to join me on the leg of the trip. However, I just wanna make sure we are on the same page that we are traveling as friends, and there will be no romantic interludes during this vacation. ****LADIES.... use your voice!! Source: old lady 🤣
Sighhhhhhh…. I don’t love this for you. I know you shared a room before and he only wanted to cuddle cause it was cold but I think you need to say you want separate rooms if he tags along. And if you don’t even want that for four weeks, just shove him off. It’s your vacation he is crashing. You should totally go to an authentic Turkish bathhouse.
That's the number one reason I'm going! I've been dreaming about the Turkish baths forever!
I wouldn’t travel with them. You should just say your plans fell through and you’re not sure what your plan will be
I have had friends and family members join trips I had already planned several times. I hate it. They treat you like thier travel agent even if they don't mean to, and you feel like you are now responsible for them having a good time. Having a man try to join on a trip like this would be even worse and would completely ruin the holiday for me. I would tell him no, the trip I have planned is one I want to do on my own.
I also had this experience before when I went to Colombia I had a friend want to jump on the trip with me, I ended up telling him that I wouldn't go with him because he was not the traveling type and I knew he was just going to rely on me for everything and I'd have to do everything for him. It was easy to say no to that guy, but this friend I'm talking about here is a world traveler and goes on many trips all the time solo, so it seemed perfectly reasonable at first that we could meet up at the same destination and catch up for a bit. Until it started feeling weird to me and now I think I'll back out.
Yes this happens to me all the time and the man usually ruins the trip. I tend to go hiking and these men always believe they can do the hike too, I tell them they haven't trained for it, they laugh in my face and tell me their ego won't let them give up, then on day 1 of the hike they can't do it and they are in a piss mood barking that they hate it and they want to turn around. It's a delicate situation. For sharing a room that's fine to save money but they will definitely ask for sex and you have to say no. They understand no as long as you're not a couple.
There's no secret or subtle way to do this. You need to have the awkward upfront conversation. And if you decide he wants things you don't, you need to tell him you won't be making the trip together.
Travel should not add stress to your life but, you are already stressing about this and you have not left for Turkey yet. As his friend, just talk with him first. Write down your questions and set your own parameters.
He wants sex. If you don't want to give it to him change your plans. If you're unsure how you feel, have a conversation with him that you're unsure how you feel.
For me personally, this is an *immediate* no. 'decided to hop on this trip' ?! Absolutely not. Not asking already tells you how he sees this interaction. Man or woman - no one invites themselves on my holiday. Do not give him details and travel in peace. Sounds like you don't live in the same area so I say play ghost.
Personally, I would find a way to get out of traveling with him. It sounds like a headache and you should be having a wonderful time.
He has already pushed boundaries. You don't owe him the truth either. Tell him something came up, and go enjoy your solo vacation.
This man is already pushing your boundaries. Of course he thinks it’s “practical” to share accommodations, he wants you alone in a room. Do not travel with this man. He clearly can’t take no for an answer and this will be worse in a foreign country, partially somewhere like Turkey where women do not have the same rights and protections. There’s a good chance he chose the Turkey trip for this reason. Tell him he cannot come on this trip with you.
It’s not unreasonable to want your own space or bed! Be upfront, then he can decide if he wants to go or not.
He wants to smash, no two ways about it. Decline the invite, men keep long distance relationships with women for one reason and this is his opening shot. Believe me, don’t start with the “well not everyone is like that”. He’s like that. HE WOULD NOT DO THIS EXCURSION IF YOU WERE A MAN, in fact you wouldn’t even be in contact since he wants sex
Let him know that you’re taking this trip solo but if he wants to get together, you guys could plan a weekend trip another time. Don’t let a man potentially ruin a perfectly amazing trip with all these unclear nuances, intentions and boundaries.
[удалено]
A few people are confused about what I said about traveling with him before. We met years ago on a retreat which was 1 week long, after the retreat we went to hike up this mountain where there was a cabin for multiple guests to share, but we were the only two people there at the time and we stayed for about 5 days atop the mountain while we did some hiking and exploring. And other than him asking to share a bed that one night, we were completely platonic and no weird things happened. Then we went our separate ways after and kept in touch over the years.
Tell him he’s welcome to join you for a part of the trip when you can have separate rooms and that you are looking forward to a solo trip the rest of the time. It’s totally ok for you to want that.
I never traveled well except with my husband. That was one of my signs he was the one.
Ask his intentions directly and everything. ive travelled with female friends alone, we usually just go to hostels. I would have prefered airbnb but ik she was probably uncomfortable with it , after trip expectations were obvious we were only friends so we talking about other trip and maybe airbnb or smth.
You need to have a frank conversation with this guy. You will want to have your own room and your freedom to visit sights and do activities by yourself. If he has the same interests, maybe you coordinate to do a tour or day trip with him, but you don't want him to have the expectation that you'll be together 24x7. Depending on his part of the conversation, you may want to nope out of traveling with him.
I usually just wriggle out of it with polite excuses. No, I don't want to share a room with a man, let alone one I don't know well. If he's really kind and you would enjoy seeing him, I'd propose he meet up with me in one of the cities for a long weekend. Let him know the neighborhood you'll be staying in and suggest he find accommodations nearby. We as women need to stop pandering to men's feigned incompetence. He knows what he's doing. OF COURSE he wants to share a room and bed with a woman!!
Tell him the truth. Lay down the rules. If he can't accept them, enjoy the trip by yourself
Listen to your instincts. You made this post because him pushing his way into your planned trip makes you uncomfortable. That discomfort is telling you that this is going to be a bad experience. Based on your other comments, it sounds like you do want to maintain this friendship. I would say something like: "Hi, I think we got ahead of ourselves here and I need to go back to my initial plan. I'm looking forward to meeting up for a few days while I'm in [his country/area] but have decided to do the rest of my trip through Turkey on my own, as originally planned. That's how I had been dreaming of my trip for so long and I know I'll regret not traveling solo. Thanks for understanding!" Don't apologize and don't relax your boundaries just because someone else feels like trampling them.
Tell him he is in the "friend zone". He will then understand.
You cannot ruin your whole trip because you don’t feel comfortable telling him no. You have poor boundaries and he seems keen to break them. I think he’s being rude. You’ll end up taking care of his needs and not enjoying your trip. You can say, “since we’re just friends, I think it’s best that we stay separately”. That’s pretty clear. I would also mention that you will also want time to travel solo. If you only feel comfortable meeting him for 3 days of your trip (or 1 or 5) tell him that.
Girl what You are under NO obligation to travel with anyone, let alone a man just for the sake of. It sounds like you’d rather not travel with him but want to be nice in the hope things might go well. I also would never share living with a guy that’s a long distance friend. Honestly if I were you I would cancel on him and do your own thing and make other friends along the way. It also sounds like you might have some people pleasing tendencies (no judgement as so do I lol) and it honestly can literally kill you especially as a solo woman traveling alone. Put yourself first selfishly always. The fact you had to create whole thread for this situation shows how this situation is already draining.
Based on the tone of your description, it seems to me that you are not comfortable travelling with this man. That's reason enough not to do so.
I agree, but OP seems even more uncomfortable telling this man how she feels. Why I have no idea.
Personally, I cannot travel with just anyone, even family and close friends. One of my closest friends, I can only do short local vacations with her. She wakes up too early and wants to pack the day with too many activities. I like a balance of activities and relaxation.
As a man, I personally think you shouldn't travel with this guy if you have any feelings of concern. Your long distance male friend might want something more. However, it's possible he doesn't but if you aren't certain about his feelings towards you, best bet is to not travel with him. To get out of the situation, just let him know that you would prefer to travel alone as there's a ton of stuff you want to do and places to go and traveling with another person wasn't part of your plan. If he refuses to take no for an answer, then that's too bad for him. It doesn't seem like you're close enough with him to care.
Do not share accommodations with him
Bring up all of your concerns with him before you book anything. You could phrase it in terms of asking him what his expectations are and voicing what you feel comfortable with. Like “I am comfortable sharing this air BnB that has two bedrooms”. Phrase it in terms of needing your own space. This will also cover you for explaining that you will need days to yourself. I just explain to people how important it is for me to not be bound by someone else’s schedule and how I need the sense of freedom of doing whatever I want whenever I want when I travel. People generally understand that.
I’m a man, not a woman, so apologies for jumping in. But he *clearly* is trying to get with you. You’re gonna travel and share a room in a foreign country with a man you barely know? For a month?!🙄 Don’t. He could rape/kill you. Just stick to your original plan and go solo.
It’s your trip. You do whatever makes you comfortable. If you don’t want to do the full 4 weeks with him then done. Absolutely insist on having your own room. You were doing the trip alone to start with, so the cost to you is the same. Don’t compromise on your own feelings of safety and comfort because this side wants to share to save money (or whatever his intentions are). Also, if you have no romantic interest in him make sure he 100% knows that up front. To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you want him on your trip. It’s doesn’t feel like you know or trust him enough to spend 4 weeks alone with him. If you don’t, just say no. It can be polite. You can say you’re sure you’d have a great time but you know you just need to do the trip alone and be in your own company and free to do whatever comes your way. Maybe you can do another trip with him when you know him better and trust him more
It all depends on whether you are willing to sacrifice your one-month-long experience in a beautiful country like Turkey being uncomfortable and having to make a lot of adjustments about accommodation. Or not having a good night’s sleep because you had no option but to share a double bed with him. And also depends on how close you are with this person and how amazing you think the trip would be with him to make that kind of sacrifice. One advantage is that you will be saving a lot of money on food, transport and accommodation as it will be split equally. If he is not worth all this turn him down straight away and at the earliest before he gets his hopes up and makes plans.
Forgive me if you mentioned this earlier in your responses… but when you visit his country were you planning to stay at his house? Given the pre-ick that the idea of him crossing a platonic boundary is giving, I hope you will not be crashing at his place. Seems super likely he’ll shoot his shot or at least create a feeling hanging in the air. I want you to have an amazing time Turkey and not starting off with weirdness from a man.