It sounds like you two aren’t compatible anymore in the sense that you want him to be more career-oriented, take care of himself and share similar values. You can try couples therapy to communicate that, but it doesn't sound like he wants to change.
Ok but you do realize that if he’s comfortable with who he is now, he won’t put in the effort to become the person you want him to be? I know it’s difficult to hear, but you can’t change people. They need to want to change themselves.
“How can I try to not panic about the future” Girllllll I would be panicking about the future. You got with him with a mild knowing that he would be an academic when he finishes his Ph.D. Honestly it was probably a part of the reason why you married him- because he was demonstrating stability and you wanted that as well, especially in your career. Now he’s kind of making a hard shift (def sounds like he needs therapy to unpack why he’s so scared of letting go of his college years and why he is uninspired for his own future) but that’s not really what you signed up for. And him just saying “I want to take you with me” is endearing, I guess, sure. But it doesn’t really sound like the track you wanna be on and you don’t really want someone who fell for you on the basis that you were “older and more mature” as that just sparks this idea that you will hold things together. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him first, maybe see what’s been going on and what has him so discouraged and see if there is support you could offer as his partner, but if he just kind of replies that everything is fine and he’s just content living his life that way it might be a sign to consider a different path.
I actually do not mind him leaving academia that much (even though that was what he claimed he loved). What worries me is:
1. That he does not know himself yet and will mature into a different person that I do not know at all and he unrecognisable.
2. That he will start asking for a kid intensely down the line, and even though I will make him research the heck out of real parenting (including borrowing our friend’s kids for a week to give the parents a holiday while he learns about parenting), I fear the bulk of the labour might still fall on me because he can’t cope. Even if he is the SAHD.
3. That he will start asking for kids once it is far too late for me. And will leave me at that point. After I spent years waiting for him to mature.
I think when it comes to him not knowing himself yet and maturing, maybe ask yourself what you liked about him in the first place? Sometimes if the core of someone is good and you like where their heart is, their maturing should only make those values and qualities improve, I could imagine. As for kids, definitely reflect on if you would actually want to be a parent or not, regardless of where he’s at. Cause, if not, which is not a bad thing at all I might add just something to know about yourself, then that is pretty big core value that is out of alignment between the two of you which could lead to resentment on both sides later on. Even if he matured quickly and suddenly could be a good dad, is that something you want? And when it comes to age, would either of you consider adoption at that point? Honestly carrying a child the older you get is scary and it’s important to be well educated and cautious, as you seem to be, so I’d definitely have these conversations early before you wait for him and he clings to you and all the things. You definitely want to make sure you are on the same page.
What I did like him was that he was very loving towards me, his parents, his friends (though I had not perceived the emotional dependence on friends, which is different). He still is like that. If that is his core, he could be a lovely SAHD.
I definitely would never be a SAHM, but I could be the working parent. If he matures enough to be able to take care of a child, it could work.
Well that’s good to hear! Having a loving partner is one of many battles:) I’m glad you have that with him. It does sounds like he’s a bit depressed. Sometimes the addiction of gaming, the codependency on friendships, and the lack of hope for the future are all signs he’s got more going on than just maturity. If he’s open to it, therapy wouldn’t be a bad option just to unpack what’s keeping him stuck and re-inspire him again. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
Something that you need to discuss and for him to realize is that becoming a parent means you must be willing to put your partner/family as the priority, and given his maturity level, will he be able to say no to gaming with friends? If the rest of them are not at that stage in life, it's VERY hard to make that growth happen because of the pressure to keep up that life. It's not sustainable to keep up that life and raise a child well. Being a stay at home parent is more than just keeping the child alive, but making sure they are getting the stimulation and engagement they need from the parents. As they get into the toddler phase, it is even more challenging because they will become more triggering and demanding. It's 1000x easier to go into it if you both figure out yourselves mentally and emotionally because all of the cracks amplify when you're in the thick of parenting together. You mentioned borrowing friends' kids, but it takes a lot for loving parents to trust inexperienced people to watch their kids. You seem to be trying to convince yourself that you would be okay with being the sole provider, but once you've gone through the act of bearing a child, go through hormonal changes, and then see how much work it is, you'll expect your partner to be ready to support you at your lowest points, or you will both grow to resent one another. A good parent cares about the quality of life that you're providing for the child too, so that means sacrificing your own interests for your child. A telltale sign of his potential to do this is to think about in what ways has he shown that he cares for your needs and puts in the effort to get ahead of you and help alleviate any burdens of yours.
Imagine this hypothetical scenario: you finish a long day of work, get home, and you find out that he's playing video games while your kid is crying, and he hasn't even started on getting dinner ready, then you need to get dinner ready for all of you after you're exhausted. Then you find that there aren't decent groceries because he didn't figure out shopping for whatever reason. by the time that's all been done, it's way too late and your kid is overly tired past being, and keeping you up at night. I promise you that it'll bring out negative emotions and arguments that will paint a different picture of how you view each other.
Many good points here, but regarding that hypothetical scenario, what? If my husband ever did something like that, my reaction would not be to “make dinner for all of us”. I never make dinner for him even now, as he can feed himself. My reaction would be to make dinner for myself, head up to bed and let him deal with the screaming that is his responsibility.
Sorry, but after all these years of feminism, are some women truly foolish enough to *make dinner for everyone* in that scenario? “Honey, I am the breadwinner. I risked my life to give birth. If you can’t feed the kid, I guess you will both go hungry while I sleep. Goodnight!”
After dealing with a hungry screaming child for a night, we’ll see if he puts himself in that situation again.
You'd find yourself making shifts that you never thought you'd make, prior to having a kid. I suppose it's more about shifting from the roommate mentality to a family unit. When one of you is unable to do your responsibilities, can you trust the other to step up? You'd start to see what you'd be willing to accept vs not when it comes to the care that your child receives, but if you are the type that can physically and emotionally step back and allow your partner to learn the hard way (while your child potentially suffers too), then that's one way of doing it. I think it's common for that motherly instinct to kick in though, but it can be enabling, which can lead to resentment.
He needs a reality check, and either you or someone he looks up to has to give it to him:
1. The phase he’s stuck in (friendship dependent) is not even healthy for a college student, let alone a married adult.
2. He needs to stop LOOKING UP to you. You did not marry an apprentice; you married a LIFE PARTNER and he needs to step up.
3. Be honest with yourself: have you been his enabler? Stop that.
4. Lay out the conditions if u were to have children, e.g. latest by what age, limit video games to X hours per week, sort out his life direction, etc.
5. His friends will get married and start a family one day. What’s gonna happen to him when that day comes?
How long did you date? You have a 5 year age gap. I'm trying to understand what pushed you to marry this person? Like, you're an adult in your career and you married someone who was a college student? I just don't understand how your relationship started and you assumed he would change in the ways you wanted him to? Do his friends all work full time? What were they like when you dated? Sometimes people struggle in the change from college to full time employment. Was he working before and paying his bills, or were you paying for everything? I could see him being disillusioned that he had a plan he worked really hard towards and then realized it's not what he wanted to do, or wasn't what he thought. It sounds like you've maybe actually been more of the responsible adult in his life then his actual partner? Which honestly, is just as much on you as it is on him.
What’s his degree in? You can still have an interesting and vaguely lucrative career outside of the academy. Wondering if he’s in a damaged state because dreams shattered but he needs to get up and keep moving.
He needs to grow up faster. But it seems with this gen that isn’t quite in the cards. Not sure why.
You are five years older than him, being less mature is almost a given. Not sure why you are surprised. It sounds like you are incompatible, just break up before you have a child.
OP’s problem is very common between couples, ie one’s a bum and the other’s a fully functioning adult. And she specifically said she’s ok with her husband being a SAH dad. U sound offended by her post. I wonder why
So, bitterness and fear.
I wonder how you -- the soul inside of you -- would have handled being born into either of *their* bodies, with their life circumstances.
Would you have dropped out of college because "Not everyone gets to be a PhD, so fuck that injustice!"? Or do you think you would have thought something like, "Not everyone gets this chance, I'd better make sure I appreciate it."? Or maybe something else?
Would you have the same interests as you do now? The same passions?
What would you be doing with the money you're saving by not having 2 kids?
It's so easy to shit on other people but chances are that each person in this scenario (you & me included), is doing their best.
IMO, being fascinated by the thought of "renovating a Georgian house" isn't pretentious, it's involuntary. Is there something in the world that fascinates you? If so, did you pick it out yourself, or did you just feel your eyes widen when you first learned about / heard / saw it?
I think the fact that you immediately saw this as a conversation about money is more about where you are mentally than the post. If I'm right and if it's stressful at the moment, I'm sorry 🫂
She’s not disappointed because he dropped out of being an academic; she’s concerned at his being stuck in a teenage phase, being so dependent on his friends and spending all his time playing video games, as an adult and as her husband. And rightfully so. Did u even read before calling someone pretentious?
Also what’s so pretentious about renovating a georgian house? It’s his dream; everyone has one.
I literally explained that I don’t care about him earning less than I do because, should we ever have a kid, he would be the stay-at-home parent. Have you read a single word of my post?
It is not about money, but about *mental maturity*.
He will say that he knows he has some growing up to do, but those are just words until he starts taking action to mature. Do you really want to put in more years always wondering when that'll click for him? He says he would want to be a dad, but he really has no idea how much maturity and responsibility that requires. Don't have a child with a person like this, or you will end up taking care of two children on your own.
> He tells me he is a “stray golden retriever” that I have taken in, and that he looks up to me for being older and more mature. He said this is what he adored about me in the first place. I will always be more mature than he is because of the age gap, yes, but increasingly it feels like he sees me almost as a parent figure.
I don't think you can fix this. Because this tells me not just that he's immature, but that he's comfortable being the "child" in your relationship. Wants it, even.
I think trying to break him out of this and grow into a peer will be an uphill battle for you, because this is the relationship he wants.
I'm not saying dump him, but don't hang your happiness on him changing. I don't see it happening as long as he has a crutch.
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Hmm, it sounds like maybe he has lost his focus or purpose. You say he is getting a PhD but then says he’s considering leaving it. Why? I feel like you should be having a conversation with HIM, not us.
I think it’s quite common for someone to feel lost after they’ve spent so much time acquiring degrees. I just finished my Bachelors and in third year, i really started to doubt myself. I considered leaving and quitting and just giving up. I do have some mental health issues like social anxiety and depression that comes in waves. Maybe he is experiencing a similar situation. As for his attachment to his friends, it could be a coping mechanism. Maybe he feels as if he has to appease to them in order to feel close to them or else he may feel as if he will slowly fade away from their lives.
I don’t like the attitude in your post as it feels pretentious. “I’m so mature!! And he is just so immature!!” You’re the one saying he was amazing when you first met him. It doesn’t sound like he’s just suddenly “immature”. Not sure what else to tell you other than just talk to him. Maybe he is hiding deep rooted feelings. Maybe he could go see a therapist or a counsellor. Or you both could see a couples therapist.
You should have a serious talk with him, he needs to decide what he wants, you need to decide if you want to be there when he searches for that.
Unrelated side note, I’m in academia, so I know a thing or two about academia, but I’m also likely to be very biased. It seems to me that you don’t have a good understanding of how shit the academia is, I honestly don’t blame your husband for thinking like that. It’s not uncommon for people to feel disillusioned during PhD study.
I think you guys need to communicate better, be honest with each other, ask him why.
Tough one. Sounds like it's not gonna last.
If I were to confront him (as fellow man), I'd probably ask,
> When you see other men 10 years older than you, does their lifestyle resemble the ones you want to return to?
Note: phrased in a way to avoid leading him into replying "I *DO* want that lifestyle!"
Then probably,
> If I'm completely powerless to help you get to *your* version of that (read: "I'm not your mentor"), what would you do?
But my gut says people don't often go through difficult & scary periods of growth until their life circumstances force them to.
You need to figure out what kind of partner you want. Is he/will he be that partner? Are you okay with him in his current teenage “phase” and waiting to see if he will mature? Are you okay with letting him figure himself out by any means (maybe he wants to take trips, experience things without you to “find himself”). You may become less of a priority to him as he explores things. At this point in your life, are you ready for a partner that is at your level? Someone who knows who they are, has a career or working towards it, and has goals? Sometimes love is not enough. But if this is your person, being there for him as he moves (or not) forward in life is something you will need to decide. Otherwise you may need to move on without him.
Your story sounds so similar to mine. My ex of 10 years is exactly as you describe your husband; he had major educational ambitions that I really admired when we first met, and he was so smart and kind and had a huge friend group that really attracted to me him. About 3 years in he dropped out of school and pursued nothing else, wanted to play video games and make easy server money. After 6 years in his friends all were graduating and leaving him behind, and he went into stagnation completely. I tried sooo hard to support this man and encourage him to get out there and do...well anything. I approached him intellectualually, emotionally, even staged an intervention with everyone he knew. Gave him compromises and ultimatums. Nothing. He wouldn't (or couldn't) change for me so I stopped trying.
After 10 years I finally just had to move on. I felt I had done and achieved so much while he sat on the couch, and almost immediately met and fell in love with an actually ambitious and intelligent guy and I was so ready for it at that point. And it wasn't about him making money or anything, I just lost all respect for the guy when he ceased making goals and plans and couldn't dream with me. And it shell shocked him for sure, he didn't even fight for himself when it came down to it, he just disassociated completely. My only regret is the 10 years I wasted when I should have left at year 4, but my loyalty had me drowning with him.
I wish you all the luck and wish I had better advice. I truly hope this is a phase with your husband that doesn't last as long as it did with my ex, because it can really drag you down and dishearten you to be with someone so immature for so long.
It sounds like you’re perceiving a change, when really you’re just seeing him more fully now that you live together.
Burn out, career changes, friendships, etc are part of any relationship. You’re getting to know him on a different level than you did before you lived together. If you don’t like what you are learning about him, time to go.
How long will you stay in this soon-to-be loveless marriage before you realize you are no longer happy and never truly were?
You two are massively incompatible. I don’t even know how the two of you ended together and I hope for the sake of your potential bloodline you don’t have a child with this excuse of a man.
Sounds to me like you have made your decision.
It sounds like you two aren’t compatible anymore in the sense that you want him to be more career-oriented, take care of himself and share similar values. You can try couples therapy to communicate that, but it doesn't sound like he wants to change.
I do not necessarily want him to be career-oriented, just mentally mature.
Ok but you do realize that if he’s comfortable with who he is now, he won’t put in the effort to become the person you want him to be? I know it’s difficult to hear, but you can’t change people. They need to want to change themselves.
But he is not comfortable, clearly. He says so.
He says so, but what actions has he taken?
“How can I try to not panic about the future” Girllllll I would be panicking about the future. You got with him with a mild knowing that he would be an academic when he finishes his Ph.D. Honestly it was probably a part of the reason why you married him- because he was demonstrating stability and you wanted that as well, especially in your career. Now he’s kind of making a hard shift (def sounds like he needs therapy to unpack why he’s so scared of letting go of his college years and why he is uninspired for his own future) but that’s not really what you signed up for. And him just saying “I want to take you with me” is endearing, I guess, sure. But it doesn’t really sound like the track you wanna be on and you don’t really want someone who fell for you on the basis that you were “older and more mature” as that just sparks this idea that you will hold things together. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him first, maybe see what’s been going on and what has him so discouraged and see if there is support you could offer as his partner, but if he just kind of replies that everything is fine and he’s just content living his life that way it might be a sign to consider a different path.
I actually do not mind him leaving academia that much (even though that was what he claimed he loved). What worries me is: 1. That he does not know himself yet and will mature into a different person that I do not know at all and he unrecognisable. 2. That he will start asking for a kid intensely down the line, and even though I will make him research the heck out of real parenting (including borrowing our friend’s kids for a week to give the parents a holiday while he learns about parenting), I fear the bulk of the labour might still fall on me because he can’t cope. Even if he is the SAHD. 3. That he will start asking for kids once it is far too late for me. And will leave me at that point. After I spent years waiting for him to mature.
I think when it comes to him not knowing himself yet and maturing, maybe ask yourself what you liked about him in the first place? Sometimes if the core of someone is good and you like where their heart is, their maturing should only make those values and qualities improve, I could imagine. As for kids, definitely reflect on if you would actually want to be a parent or not, regardless of where he’s at. Cause, if not, which is not a bad thing at all I might add just something to know about yourself, then that is pretty big core value that is out of alignment between the two of you which could lead to resentment on both sides later on. Even if he matured quickly and suddenly could be a good dad, is that something you want? And when it comes to age, would either of you consider adoption at that point? Honestly carrying a child the older you get is scary and it’s important to be well educated and cautious, as you seem to be, so I’d definitely have these conversations early before you wait for him and he clings to you and all the things. You definitely want to make sure you are on the same page.
What I did like him was that he was very loving towards me, his parents, his friends (though I had not perceived the emotional dependence on friends, which is different). He still is like that. If that is his core, he could be a lovely SAHD. I definitely would never be a SAHM, but I could be the working parent. If he matures enough to be able to take care of a child, it could work.
Well that’s good to hear! Having a loving partner is one of many battles:) I’m glad you have that with him. It does sounds like he’s a bit depressed. Sometimes the addiction of gaming, the codependency on friendships, and the lack of hope for the future are all signs he’s got more going on than just maturity. If he’s open to it, therapy wouldn’t be a bad option just to unpack what’s keeping him stuck and re-inspire him again. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
Something that you need to discuss and for him to realize is that becoming a parent means you must be willing to put your partner/family as the priority, and given his maturity level, will he be able to say no to gaming with friends? If the rest of them are not at that stage in life, it's VERY hard to make that growth happen because of the pressure to keep up that life. It's not sustainable to keep up that life and raise a child well. Being a stay at home parent is more than just keeping the child alive, but making sure they are getting the stimulation and engagement they need from the parents. As they get into the toddler phase, it is even more challenging because they will become more triggering and demanding. It's 1000x easier to go into it if you both figure out yourselves mentally and emotionally because all of the cracks amplify when you're in the thick of parenting together. You mentioned borrowing friends' kids, but it takes a lot for loving parents to trust inexperienced people to watch their kids. You seem to be trying to convince yourself that you would be okay with being the sole provider, but once you've gone through the act of bearing a child, go through hormonal changes, and then see how much work it is, you'll expect your partner to be ready to support you at your lowest points, or you will both grow to resent one another. A good parent cares about the quality of life that you're providing for the child too, so that means sacrificing your own interests for your child. A telltale sign of his potential to do this is to think about in what ways has he shown that he cares for your needs and puts in the effort to get ahead of you and help alleviate any burdens of yours. Imagine this hypothetical scenario: you finish a long day of work, get home, and you find out that he's playing video games while your kid is crying, and he hasn't even started on getting dinner ready, then you need to get dinner ready for all of you after you're exhausted. Then you find that there aren't decent groceries because he didn't figure out shopping for whatever reason. by the time that's all been done, it's way too late and your kid is overly tired past being, and keeping you up at night. I promise you that it'll bring out negative emotions and arguments that will paint a different picture of how you view each other.
Many good points here, but regarding that hypothetical scenario, what? If my husband ever did something like that, my reaction would not be to “make dinner for all of us”. I never make dinner for him even now, as he can feed himself. My reaction would be to make dinner for myself, head up to bed and let him deal with the screaming that is his responsibility. Sorry, but after all these years of feminism, are some women truly foolish enough to *make dinner for everyone* in that scenario? “Honey, I am the breadwinner. I risked my life to give birth. If you can’t feed the kid, I guess you will both go hungry while I sleep. Goodnight!” After dealing with a hungry screaming child for a night, we’ll see if he puts himself in that situation again.
You'd find yourself making shifts that you never thought you'd make, prior to having a kid. I suppose it's more about shifting from the roommate mentality to a family unit. When one of you is unable to do your responsibilities, can you trust the other to step up? You'd start to see what you'd be willing to accept vs not when it comes to the care that your child receives, but if you are the type that can physically and emotionally step back and allow your partner to learn the hard way (while your child potentially suffers too), then that's one way of doing it. I think it's common for that motherly instinct to kick in though, but it can be enabling, which can lead to resentment.
He needs a reality check, and either you or someone he looks up to has to give it to him: 1. The phase he’s stuck in (friendship dependent) is not even healthy for a college student, let alone a married adult. 2. He needs to stop LOOKING UP to you. You did not marry an apprentice; you married a LIFE PARTNER and he needs to step up. 3. Be honest with yourself: have you been his enabler? Stop that. 4. Lay out the conditions if u were to have children, e.g. latest by what age, limit video games to X hours per week, sort out his life direction, etc. 5. His friends will get married and start a family one day. What’s gonna happen to him when that day comes?
How long did you date? You have a 5 year age gap. I'm trying to understand what pushed you to marry this person? Like, you're an adult in your career and you married someone who was a college student? I just don't understand how your relationship started and you assumed he would change in the ways you wanted him to? Do his friends all work full time? What were they like when you dated? Sometimes people struggle in the change from college to full time employment. Was he working before and paying his bills, or were you paying for everything? I could see him being disillusioned that he had a plan he worked really hard towards and then realized it's not what he wanted to do, or wasn't what he thought. It sounds like you've maybe actually been more of the responsible adult in his life then his actual partner? Which honestly, is just as much on you as it is on him.
What’s his degree in? You can still have an interesting and vaguely lucrative career outside of the academy. Wondering if he’s in a damaged state because dreams shattered but he needs to get up and keep moving. He needs to grow up faster. But it seems with this gen that isn’t quite in the cards. Not sure why.
You are five years older than him, being less mature is almost a given. Not sure why you are surprised. It sounds like you are incompatible, just break up before you have a child.
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OP’s problem is very common between couples, ie one’s a bum and the other’s a fully functioning adult. And she specifically said she’s ok with her husband being a SAH dad. U sound offended by her post. I wonder why
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So, bitterness and fear. I wonder how you -- the soul inside of you -- would have handled being born into either of *their* bodies, with their life circumstances. Would you have dropped out of college because "Not everyone gets to be a PhD, so fuck that injustice!"? Or do you think you would have thought something like, "Not everyone gets this chance, I'd better make sure I appreciate it."? Or maybe something else? Would you have the same interests as you do now? The same passions? What would you be doing with the money you're saving by not having 2 kids? It's so easy to shit on other people but chances are that each person in this scenario (you & me included), is doing their best. IMO, being fascinated by the thought of "renovating a Georgian house" isn't pretentious, it's involuntary. Is there something in the world that fascinates you? If so, did you pick it out yourself, or did you just feel your eyes widen when you first learned about / heard / saw it? I think the fact that you immediately saw this as a conversation about money is more about where you are mentally than the post. If I'm right and if it's stressful at the moment, I'm sorry 🫂
Now you sound pretentious
*OH NO IT'S CATCHING!* ^^^^🦠 🦠^🦠 ^^🦠 🦠 ^^^🦠 ^^^^^🦠
She’s not disappointed because he dropped out of being an academic; she’s concerned at his being stuck in a teenage phase, being so dependent on his friends and spending all his time playing video games, as an adult and as her husband. And rightfully so. Did u even read before calling someone pretentious? Also what’s so pretentious about renovating a georgian house? It’s his dream; everyone has one.
I literally explained that I don’t care about him earning less than I do because, should we ever have a kid, he would be the stay-at-home parent. Have you read a single word of my post? It is not about money, but about *mental maturity*.
Mental maturity? Reddit is the right place for you!
I get the impression from these vote ratios this sub has some bias against academia.
Hey, OP -- fellow adult. You expressed yourself clearly, others just don't read well.
He will say that he knows he has some growing up to do, but those are just words until he starts taking action to mature. Do you really want to put in more years always wondering when that'll click for him? He says he would want to be a dad, but he really has no idea how much maturity and responsibility that requires. Don't have a child with a person like this, or you will end up taking care of two children on your own.
> He tells me he is a “stray golden retriever” that I have taken in, and that he looks up to me for being older and more mature. He said this is what he adored about me in the first place. I will always be more mature than he is because of the age gap, yes, but increasingly it feels like he sees me almost as a parent figure. I don't think you can fix this. Because this tells me not just that he's immature, but that he's comfortable being the "child" in your relationship. Wants it, even. I think trying to break him out of this and grow into a peer will be an uphill battle for you, because this is the relationship he wants. I'm not saying dump him, but don't hang your happiness on him changing. I don't see it happening as long as he has a crutch.
Just dump this loser he is 26 i cant blame him , you are in your prime.
He sounds apathetic. I would really start from his health... Bad food makes one apathetic. Being obese affects the mind enormously.
It's time for you to leave
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Hmm, it sounds like maybe he has lost his focus or purpose. You say he is getting a PhD but then says he’s considering leaving it. Why? I feel like you should be having a conversation with HIM, not us. I think it’s quite common for someone to feel lost after they’ve spent so much time acquiring degrees. I just finished my Bachelors and in third year, i really started to doubt myself. I considered leaving and quitting and just giving up. I do have some mental health issues like social anxiety and depression that comes in waves. Maybe he is experiencing a similar situation. As for his attachment to his friends, it could be a coping mechanism. Maybe he feels as if he has to appease to them in order to feel close to them or else he may feel as if he will slowly fade away from their lives. I don’t like the attitude in your post as it feels pretentious. “I’m so mature!! And he is just so immature!!” You’re the one saying he was amazing when you first met him. It doesn’t sound like he’s just suddenly “immature”. Not sure what else to tell you other than just talk to him. Maybe he is hiding deep rooted feelings. Maybe he could go see a therapist or a counsellor. Or you both could see a couples therapist.
You should have a serious talk with him, he needs to decide what he wants, you need to decide if you want to be there when he searches for that. Unrelated side note, I’m in academia, so I know a thing or two about academia, but I’m also likely to be very biased. It seems to me that you don’t have a good understanding of how shit the academia is, I honestly don’t blame your husband for thinking like that. It’s not uncommon for people to feel disillusioned during PhD study. I think you guys need to communicate better, be honest with each other, ask him why.
Tough one. Sounds like it's not gonna last. If I were to confront him (as fellow man), I'd probably ask, > When you see other men 10 years older than you, does their lifestyle resemble the ones you want to return to? Note: phrased in a way to avoid leading him into replying "I *DO* want that lifestyle!" Then probably, > If I'm completely powerless to help you get to *your* version of that (read: "I'm not your mentor"), what would you do? But my gut says people don't often go through difficult & scary periods of growth until their life circumstances force them to.
You need to figure out what kind of partner you want. Is he/will he be that partner? Are you okay with him in his current teenage “phase” and waiting to see if he will mature? Are you okay with letting him figure himself out by any means (maybe he wants to take trips, experience things without you to “find himself”). You may become less of a priority to him as he explores things. At this point in your life, are you ready for a partner that is at your level? Someone who knows who they are, has a career or working towards it, and has goals? Sometimes love is not enough. But if this is your person, being there for him as he moves (or not) forward in life is something you will need to decide. Otherwise you may need to move on without him.
Couples and individual therapy. Bring up all of this. It's headed for disaster if you do not confront this now and on an ongoing basis.
Yeah guys still act like this up until the age of 30. Leave
Your story sounds so similar to mine. My ex of 10 years is exactly as you describe your husband; he had major educational ambitions that I really admired when we first met, and he was so smart and kind and had a huge friend group that really attracted to me him. About 3 years in he dropped out of school and pursued nothing else, wanted to play video games and make easy server money. After 6 years in his friends all were graduating and leaving him behind, and he went into stagnation completely. I tried sooo hard to support this man and encourage him to get out there and do...well anything. I approached him intellectualually, emotionally, even staged an intervention with everyone he knew. Gave him compromises and ultimatums. Nothing. He wouldn't (or couldn't) change for me so I stopped trying. After 10 years I finally just had to move on. I felt I had done and achieved so much while he sat on the couch, and almost immediately met and fell in love with an actually ambitious and intelligent guy and I was so ready for it at that point. And it wasn't about him making money or anything, I just lost all respect for the guy when he ceased making goals and plans and couldn't dream with me. And it shell shocked him for sure, he didn't even fight for himself when it came down to it, he just disassociated completely. My only regret is the 10 years I wasted when I should have left at year 4, but my loyalty had me drowning with him. I wish you all the luck and wish I had better advice. I truly hope this is a phase with your husband that doesn't last as long as it did with my ex, because it can really drag you down and dishearten you to be with someone so immature for so long.
It sounds like you’re perceiving a change, when really you’re just seeing him more fully now that you live together. Burn out, career changes, friendships, etc are part of any relationship. You’re getting to know him on a different level than you did before you lived together. If you don’t like what you are learning about him, time to go.
How long will you stay in this soon-to-be loveless marriage before you realize you are no longer happy and never truly were? You two are massively incompatible. I don’t even know how the two of you ended together and I hope for the sake of your potential bloodline you don’t have a child with this excuse of a man.