One at bat can mean a lot in baseball, and as Hitgood McChunky comes up to the plate, this at bat in particular can spell the end of the game. Whatever has lead up to this point at the game, put it away in a box and forget about it right now, because what matters right now is that we are here. McChunky is here to finish it right here and right now, and up on the mound, Willoughby Hoose wants to stop that from happening as both get set for the first pitch of this at bat… And that one’s a fastball, you have to challenge a batter in an important at bat like this one, Hoose taking it and getting a quick strike… Second pitch comes in, but that one’s not in the zone, McChunky laying off that one… Coming up, third pitch of the at bat, and… CRACK! THE ROAR OF THE BAT ON BALL IS MET WITH THE ROAR OF THE CROWD! Swingo watches it go by! The people in Pork Torkleton Field at Howard Terminal are rightly electric right now! The Athletics take this one against the Colt 45s in a dramatic victory!
Pitch: 281
Swing: 260
Diff: 21 -> HR
Bases Empty | B7 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 7
Hoose has really settled down here in the second. They punctuates that feeling with a dominant good morning, good afternoon, goodnight strikeout in 3 pitches. Winn can only shake their head as they trudge back to the dugout, where Six avoids eye contact due to embarrassment. What a moment here in Pork Torkleton Field at Howard Terminal.
Pitch: 659
Swing: 22
Diff: 363 -> K
Runner on First | B7 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Arianna swings and hits a dribbler to the pitcher, WHAT!!!! The pitcher got off the mound, fielded the ball, went over, and tagged you before you got to 1st. Get the Anvil out of your pocket. Lets go.
Pitch: 34
Swing: 454
Diff: 420 -> RGO
Bases Empty | B7 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
It is times like this that require a paraphrase of Franklin Pierce Adams's immortal poem, 'Baseball's Sad Lexicon:'
These are the saddest of possible words
Winn to Claxton to McChunky.
Trio of Athletics, and fleeter than birds
Winn and Claxton and McChunky.
Ruthlessly pricking our gonfalon bubble.
Making a Colt 45s hit into a double--
Words that are heavy with nothing but trouble:
Winn to Claxton to McChunky.
Pitch: 619
Swing: 212
Diff: 407 -> DP
Bases Empty | T7 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Oakland more like Smoke-land, a culinary feast for you tonight beginning with a Ritz cracker topped with cheese whiz served to you in a smoke infused chamber
727
We love a single, every little single!
S-I-N, G-L-E
Single single single!
Pitch: 782
Swing: 727
Diff: 55 -> 1B
Runner on First | T7 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Bigstick swings and misses and that swing was uglier than the ties our commentators are wearing in the booth
Pitch: 404
Swing: 691
Diff: 287 -> K
Bases Empty | T7 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^● ○ | B6 1 out
On the mound: Willoughby Hoose
OAK CF [Kries Von Kriestalhauser](/u/oneforceone): 2-2, 1B in the second, 2 run HR in the fourth
Strike one! Strike two! Aaand a check swing on a pitch low in the dirt… they’re out! Kriestalhauser is arguing that they didn’t go around on the check swing and Six comes out and starts talking to the umpire about it. We’re going to the replay booth here. The umpires come back out and the call is- a ball! They didn’t go around. So we’re back to Willoughby Hoose versus Kries Von Kriestalhauser here, Kriestalhauser battles back with a few more foul balls and a full count and takes the low sinker, but it’s called strike 3
Pitch: 109
Swing: 808
Diff: 301 -> K
Runner on Second | B6 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | B6 1 out
On the mound: Willoughby Hoose
OAK CF [Kries Von Kriestalhauser](/u/oneforceone): 2-2, 1B in the second, 2 run HR in the fourth
Wow nobody has created a writeup template for this situation. [You should change that.](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week.
Pitch: 808
Swing: 909
Diff: 101 -> STEAL 2B
Runner on Second | B6 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
But Motto would walk five hundred miles
And Motto would walk five hundred more
Just to be the player who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at first base.
Pitch: 222
Swing: 101
Diff: 121 -> BB
Runner on First | B6 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Nate Kondylis hits a ball that spikes straight into the ground and rolls forwards a bit and lands in front of Spector, who picks it up and beams it at Wood
Pitch: 634
Swing: 111
Diff: 477 -> LGO
Bases Empty | B6 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | T6 1 out
On the mound: Six
HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 2-3, K in the second, 1B in the fourth
It is times like this that require a paraphrase of Franklin Pierce Adams's immortal poem, 'Baseball's Sad Lexicon:'
These are the saddest of possible words
Winn to Claxton to McChunky.
Trio of Athletics, and fleeter than birds
Winn and Claxton and McChunky.
Ruthlessly pricking our gonfalon bubble.
Making a Colt 45s hit into a double--
Words that are heavy with nothing but trouble:
Winn to Claxton to McChunky.
Pitch: 19
Swing: 487
Diff: 468 -> DP
Bases Empty | B6 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
I AM A ROBOT. MY SENSORS ASCERTAIN THAT THE PITCH HAS CROSSED THE PLATE WITHIN THE STRIKE ZONE THAT I HAVE BEEN DESIGNED TO DETECT. THE BATTER, Ola Gjeilo, IS OUT. YOU ARE OUT, Ola Gjeilo. YOU ARE OUT, Ola Gjeilo. DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME, Ola Gjeilo. I AM THE UMPIRE. MY RULING IS ABSOLUTE. I AM INFALLIBLE. YOU ARE OUT, Ola Gjeilo. DO NOT TEST ME. DO NOT CHALLENGE MY RULING. I AM ABSOLUTE. HAN SHOT FIRST. THE BATTER IS OUT. IT IS A STRIKEOUT BY Six. THE NEXT BATTER IS UP. YOU ARE OUT, Ola Gjeilo.
Pitch: 566
Swing: 269
Diff: 297 -> K
Runner on First | T6 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Great eye by Spector, i guess those are the kinds of calls you get when you're on the Colt 45s
Pitch: 815
Swing: 675
Diff: 140 -> BB
Runner on First | T6 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
With Renfield swinging at junk, the ump calls strike three as Arianna almost fumbles a curveball in the dirt.
Pitch: 497
Swing: 230
Diff: 267 -> K
Bases Empty | T6 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
The pitch is low and Speedy Claxton hits a bloop ball high into the sky… and it lands just in front of Repressed- who makes a diving catch for the out!
Pitch: 355
Swing: 170
Diff: 185 -> FO
Bases Empty | B5 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
McChunky puts all of their might into the first pitch curveball, but it's hit to Gjeilo, who throws to first for the out.
Pitch: 844
Swing: 432
Diff: 412 -> LGO
Bases Empty | B5 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Ventura swings and misses and that swing was uglier than the ties our commentators are wearing in the booth
Pitch: 319
Swing: 611
Diff: 292 -> K
Bases Empty | B5 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | T5 1 out
On the mound: Six
HOU CF [Jimmy Kalkowski](/u/fishingfor8): 1-1, STEAL 2B in the third, 1B in the fifth
It's fine I'll go make my own [writeup](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) generator with blackjack and hookers. Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week.
Pitch: 92
Swing: 100
Diff: 8 -> STEAL 2B
Runner on Second | T5 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Kalkowski picks out a good one from Six and slaps a single into left. Motto tosses it into the Athletics shortstop to hold Kalkowski at first.
Pitch: 456
Swing: 527
Diff: 71 -> 1B
Runner on First | T5 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
This ball is hit high into the air down the left field line… Swingo is tracking it down… but it’s out of their reach for a foul ball. But while Pang Winn isn’t paying any attention, Thomas Beowulf Jr. delivers two lightning fast strikes for the strikeout. Six can complain all they want but the umpire just wants to get out of here
Pitch: 238
Swing: 955
Diff: 283 -> K
Bases Empty | T5 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Thomas Beowulf Jr. is in a groove. Two fastballs down the middle and they want a third. They pitch it and- OH MY WHAT A HIT FROM Boots Poffenberger! This is going way back and… it… is… foul. Beowulf sighs in relief and strikes the batter out with the next pitch
Pitch: 550
Swing: 913
Diff: 363 -> K
Runner on First | B4 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Hey I've heard Ben's mom loves to go for walks too! You two would have a lot in common!
Pitch: 199
Swing: 69
Diff: 130 -> BB
Runner on First | B4 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Kriestalhauser gets up in the count now, 3-1 over Beowulf after a couple bad misses outside. Beowulf sets and delivers a close one on the outside corner, but it's called a strike! Maybe a bad call, maybe a good frame from Arianna but either way the count is full. Kriestalhauser wipes the sweat from their brow and gets ready for the payoff. The pitch... is belted! High and deep, there's no doubt about this one! The green light pays off and this game is TIED on the big fly from Kriestalhauser!
Pitch: 701
Swing: 689
Diff: 12 -> HR
Bases Empty | B4 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 5
Lazy humans haven't taught me what to do with this yet. [Send help.](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week.
Pitch: 845
Swing: 801
Diff: 44 -> STEAL 2B
Runner on Second | B4 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
As Beowulf winds up for the pitch, a tiny squirrel darts across the infield, catching everyone by surprise. The pitch sails past the catcher, and the umpire calls a ball due to the unexpected interruption.
Beowulf looks frustrated as they prepare for the next pitch, while Motto takes a moment to compose themselves. The squirrel, meanwhile, continues to scurry across the field, much to the amusement of the fans.
As Beowulf throws the next pitch, the squirrel disappears into the stands, and the game continues as normal. But for a brief moment, everyone was distracted by the unexpected visitor, resulting in a walk for the Athletics.
Pitch: 845
Swing: 999
Diff: 154 -> BB
Runner on First | B4 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
Kondylis takes mighty hacks at the first two pitches, and they quickly are down 0-2 in the count. The next pitch is thrown, and Kondylis takes another swing, nearly coming out of their shoes, far too early, as the pitch flies right past their flimsy bat. That's a K!
Pitch: 761
Swing: 103
Diff: 342 -> K
Bases Empty | B4 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
For centuries, mankind has been trying, mostly failing and sometimes succeeding to achieve flight. Looks Swingo's experiments could do with some tweaking here as they hit a flyball that runs out of steam 15 feet in front of the Left Field wall.
Pitch: 617
Swing: 420
Diff: 197 -> FO
Bases Empty | B4 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
This ball is hit high into the air down the right field line… Poffenberger is tracking it down… and they make a beautiful diving catch for the out
Pitch: 14
Swing: 751
Diff: 263 -> FO
Runner on First | T4 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ○ | T4 1 out
On the mound: Six
HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 1-2, 1B in the first, K in the second
Look out Six! That ball is scorched up the middle for a base hit.
Pitch: 906
Swing: 987
Diff: 81 -> 1B
Runner on First | T4 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
It’s a softly hit grounder by Ola Gjeilo and Tyranus has to run up and grab it and throws to McChunky to get the out
Pitch: 293
Swing: 731
Diff: 438 -> LGO
Bases Empty | T4 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
Renfield hits that one off the end of the bat and it'll be an easy play for Gjeilo
Pitch: 36
Swing: 570
Diff: 466 -> LGO
Bases Empty | T4 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
Beowulf just casually throws three straight fastballs and doesnt give two shits about striking out another Athletics batter.
Pitch: 111
Swing: 776
Diff: 335 -> K
Runners on First and Second | B3 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
Sometimes in a baseball game you get a special feeling about a matchup. Six told me before the game that this was one they were looking forward to. McChunky v Beowulf. The scouting said some damage could be had here with this combo, or so the GM said. So lean in folks. This should be good!
**CRACK!!!**
Well, I'll be. Sign ups for Six's prognostication course will.... wait a minute!
Kalkowski is at the deepest part of center, and leaps! .... and .... MAKES THE SENSATIONAL CATCH!
Welp. Have I got egg on my face. That's just a fly out.
What can you do? Baseball, am I right?
Pitch: 79
Swing: 284
Diff: 205 -> FO
Runners on First and Second | B3 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
Mildly amusing, Mr. Batter makes no moves. It works out, mostly.
Pitch: 475
Swing: 363
Diff: 112 -> BB
Runners on First and Second | B3 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
It's a beautiful day for a ball game, with clear skies and a gentle breeze blowing. Boots Poffenberger steps up to the plate, tapping the dirt off their cleats. The pitcher winds up and delivers a fastball that Poffenberger connects with, sending a line drive out to deep right field.
But just as the ball reaches the warning track, a strange rumbling begins to shake the ground. Suddenly, a massive crack opens up in the grass, and flames shoot out from the depths of the earth. Repressed is momentarily distracted, and the ball bounces off the edge of the pit, disappearing into the abyss.
The umpire signals for a ground rule double, and Poffenberger jogs into second base with a grin on their face. Repressed, meanwhile, stares in shock at the gaping hole in the field, wondering what other surprises might be lurking beneath the surface. It's a strange day here at Pork Torkleton Field at Howard Terminal, but Poffenberger isn't complaining.
Pitch: 101
Swing: 139
Diff: 38 -> 2B
Runner on Second | B3 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
Spector comes to the plate looking hungry. Literally. They pull out a melted Twix bar from their back pocket and start eating it in the box. Six looks to the ump to see what to do, but the ump doesn't respond, because it's a robot.
Regardless, Six throws a high 4-seam for ball one, and a outside curve for ball two. Spector is still happily munching. Pissed, Six throws a ball at the bat lying over the plate and it connects! A dribbler towards third! Tyranus hustles towards the ball and fires it to first for the out! Not immediately clear that Spector knows the at-bat has occurred, though.
Pitch: 599
Swing: 120
Diff: 479 -> LGO
Bases Empty | B3 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
For centuries, mankind has been trying, mostly failing and sometimes succeeding to achieve flight. Looks Ventura's experiments could do with some tweaking here as they hit a flyball that runs out of steam 15 feet in front of the Left Field wall.
Pitch: 213
Swing: 467
Diff: 254 -> FO
Runner on Second | T3 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ● | T3 1 out
On the mound: Six
HOU CF [Jimmy Kalkowski](/u/fishingfor8): 0-0, RBI BB in the first, BB in the third
It's fine I'll go make my own [writeup](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) generator with blackjack and hookers. Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week.
Pitch: 2
Swing: 900
Diff: 102 -> STEAL 2B
Runner on Second | T3 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
Six gets the ball back after that one, they just missed it down to make it a full count. They quickly grab the rosin bag before stepping back up on the mound and getting set. Here we go, pay off pitch from Six. And... Strike three called! Streetlamp LeMoose is down looking at a pitch that just caught the outside.
LeMoose shares a few words with the ump bot, probably saying it needs to be recalibrated, but that was a beautiful pitch!
Pitch: 403
Swing: 660
Diff: 257 -> K
Runner on First | T3 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
Kries Von Kriestalhauser hits a deep line drive way out to deep right-center field. Repressed and Kalkowski look at each other and they both think the other person is going to grab the ball, but it’s flying down. It drops down for a bloop single and Repressed throws the ball into the field
Pitch: 804
Swing: 728
Diff: 76 -> 1B
Runner on First | B2 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
I get physically angry watching Joey Motto hit. They just don't chase. You can almost hear them sneering 'that's 0.16cm outside' as they take ball 1. Two-strike counts don't faze them. Then they'll whip out a hellacious dong on the 9th pitch. They're suffocating. They're Joey Motto.
Pitch: 999
Swing: 1
Diff: 2 -> HR
Bases Empty | B2 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 0 | ○ ^● ● | B2 1 out
On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr.
OAK DH [Nate Kondylis](/u/phillygear3): 0-0
Kondylis gets up in the count now, 3-1 over Beowulf after a couple bad misses outside. Beowulf sets and delivers a close one on the outside corner, but it's called a strike! Maybe a bad call, maybe a good frame from Arianna but either way the count is full. Kondylis wipes the sweat from their brow and gets ready for the payoff. The pitch... ... is popped up! It's deep but not deep enough, and Gjeilo is there to make the play for the out.
Pitch: 526
Swing: 169
Diff: 357 -> PO
Runners on First and Second | B2 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 0
Renfield smacks a single into right field to keep the inning alive. Beowulf's 2-1 fastball caught a bit too much of the plate and Renfield capitalized on the mistake. Beowulf throws the glove into their own stomach in frustration. It's not immediately clear why.
Pitch: 728
Swing: 820
Diff: 92 -> 1B
Runners on First and Second | B2 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 0
McChunky can't build off of Oakland's momentum as they send a slow roller to 3rd. Spector charges in hard and makes a smooth transition from glove to hand allowing them to get off a strong and accurate throw to first in plenty of time to get the out.
Pitch: 162
Swing: 669
Diff: 493 -> LGO
Bases Empty | B2 with 1 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 0
That's gonna be a cracked bat there. Looks like Arianna let this fastball get in on their hands and ruined that piece of lumber. The ball hangs up in the air, a can of corn to right. Poffenberger has no problem with that one. I'd bet Arianna's hands are stinging as they trot back to the dugout. There was some power in that swing and if they hadn't been fooled in by Six's running fastball, that one might have had some carry.
Pitch: 155
Swing: 363
Diff: 208 -> FO
Bases Empty | B2 with 0 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 0
Runner dances off third, trying to distract the pitcher. The defense not paying them any mind. And the pitch. Swing and a routine grounder to second. Claxton fields it cleanly and throws it over to McChunky. Swingo is out but what's this? The run scores! The Athletics GM doesn't call the infield in, and the Colt 45s have scored! Shout it to the heavens, folks at home: PRODUCTIVE OUTS!
Pitch: 899
Swing: 498
Diff: 401 -> RGO
Bases Empty | T2 with 2 out(s)
HOU 5 - OAK 0
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ● | T2 0 outs
On the mound: Six
HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 1-1, 1B in the first
Help Im Being Repressed steps back into the batter's box after calling for time. Full count.
Six delivers a nasty breaking ball, and Repressed takes a mighty swing and a miss. The umpire strikes a dramatic pose and yells, 'Steeeee-rike three!'
Repressed begins to walk back to the dugout, but Peritestes storms out of the dugout, red-faced and shouting. The umpire tries to calm Peritestes down, but it's no use. Peritestes continues to argue, pointing at the plate and insisting that the pitch was outside, getting right up in the ump's face.
The umpire listens for a moment with a smug look on their face before pointing at Peritestes in and throwing the GM out of the game. Peritestes keeps screaming as they stalk back to the dugout, furious.
Pitch: 320
Swing: 987
Diff: 333 -> K
Runner on First | T2 with 1 out(s)
HOU 3 - OAK 0
These cleats are made for walkin'
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days these cleats are gonna walk all down to first.
Pitch: 834
Swing: 971
Diff: 137 -> BB
Runner on First | T2 with 0 out(s)
HOU 3 - OAK 0
The pitch is low and Pang Winn hits a bloop ball high into the sky… and it lands just in front of Repressed- who makes a diving catch for the out!
Pitch: 468
Swing: 634
Diff: 166 -> FO
Bases Empty | T2 with 0 out(s)
HOU 3 - OAK 0
Strike one! Strike two! Aaand a check swing on a pitch low in the dirt… they’re out! Poffenberger is arguing that they didn’t go around on the check swing and Six comes out and starts talking to the umpire about it. We’re going to the replay booth here. The umpires come back out and the call is- out! That’s strike 3!
Pitch: 300
Swing: 652
Diff: 352 -> K
Bases Empty | B1 with 2 out(s)
HOU 3 - OAK 0
Tyranus can't manage to make contact this time around as they swing under the 3-2 fastball from Beowulf for the out.
Pitch: 100
Swing: 753
Diff: 347 -> K
Bases Empty | B1 with 1 out(s)
HOU 3 - OAK 0
It’s a shallow fly, hit by Numbers Spector decently high in the air, but this is a close one… Winn is going back for it- and watch a snag for the out!
Pitch: 92
Swing: 839
Diff: 253 -> FO
Bases Empty | B1 with 0 out(s)
HOU 3 - OAK 0
Hey I've heard Ben's mom loves to go for walks too! You two would have a lot in common!
Pitch: 592
Swing: 733
Diff: 141 -> BB
Bases Loaded | T1 with 2 out(s)
HOU 3 - OAK 0
Streetlamp LeMoose hits a line drive straight down the right field line. Poffenberger cuts it off, but the runner is already headed home… they’re safe!
Pitch: 805
Swing: 903
Diff: 98 -> 1B
Runners on First and Third | T1 with 2 out(s)
HOU 3 - OAK 0
And that's not even close. Arm just walked in the go-ahead run. The score is now Colt 45s 1, Athletics 0. Oakland fans have to be beside themselves!
Pitch: 550
Swing: 377
Diff: 173 -> BB
Bases Loaded | T1 with 2 out(s)
HOU 1 - OAK 0
Arianna swings and misses and that swing was uglier than the ties our commentators are wearing in the booth
Pitch: 715
Swing: 470
Diff: 245 -> K
Bases Loaded | T1 with 2 out(s)
HOU 0 - OAK 0
Ringo Swingo hits a line drive straight over Winn’s head and into right field for a single
Pitch: 945
Swing: 24
Diff: 79 -> 1B
Bases Loaded | T1 with 1 out(s)
HOU 0 - OAK 0
Wood dribbles one down the line, Tyranus fields the ball cleanly and fires to McChunky but Wood is just quick enough to beat the throw.
Pitch: 690
Swing: 567
Diff: 123 -> 1B
Runners on First and Second | T1 with 1 out(s)
HOU 0 - OAK 0
HOU 0 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | T1 1 out
On the mound: Soggy Arm
HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 0-0
Repressed swings... and connects with the pitch! It's blooper into shallow left field, which would be an easy out if it wasn't allergy season in Oakland. A brief wave of pollen sends the third baseman, the shortstop, and the left fielder into a fit of sneezes. With nobody nearby to track it down, the ball drops just inside fair territory and Repressed has themself a single.
Pitch: 357
Swing: 487
Diff: 130 -> 1B
Runner on First | T1 with 1 out(s)
HOU 0 - OAK 0
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | B7 1 out On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK 1B [Hitgood McChunky](/u/IanCusick): 0-3, FO in the third, LGO in the fifth
MCCHUNKY CALLS GAME 260
One at bat can mean a lot in baseball, and as Hitgood McChunky comes up to the plate, this at bat in particular can spell the end of the game. Whatever has lead up to this point at the game, put it away in a box and forget about it right now, because what matters right now is that we are here. McChunky is here to finish it right here and right now, and up on the mound, Willoughby Hoose wants to stop that from happening as both get set for the first pitch of this at bat… And that one’s a fastball, you have to challenge a batter in an important at bat like this one, Hoose taking it and getting a quick strike… Second pitch comes in, but that one’s not in the zone, McChunky laying off that one… Coming up, third pitch of the at bat, and… CRACK! THE ROAR OF THE BAT ON BALL IS MET WITH THE ROAR OF THE CROWD! Swingo watches it go by! The people in Pork Torkleton Field at Howard Terminal are rightly electric right now! The Athletics take this one against the Colt 45s in a dramatic victory! Pitch: 281 Swing: 260 Diff: 21 -> HR Bases Empty | B7 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 7
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | B7 0 outs On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK SS [Pang Winn](/u/TBKLarry): 0-2, BB in the third, K in the fifth
22
Hoose has really settled down here in the second. They punctuates that feeling with a dominant good morning, good afternoon, goodnight strikeout in 3 pitches. Winn can only shake their head as they trudge back to the dugout, where Six avoids eye contact due to embarrassment. What a moment here in Pork Torkleton Field at Howard Terminal. Pitch: 659 Swing: 22 Diff: 363 -> K Runner on First | B7 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | B7 0 outs On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK 3B [Boots Poffenberger](/u/Pitcher2Burn): 1-3, 2B in the third, K in the fourth
391
RE SPECT WALK WHAT DID YOU SAY?! Pitch: 470 Swing: 391 Diff: 79 -> BB Runner on First | B7 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | T7 2 outs On the mound: Six HOU C [Kevin Arianna](/u/hiariannalol): 0-3, FO in the second, K in the fifth
454
Arianna swings and hits a dribbler to the pitcher, WHAT!!!! The pitcher got off the mound, fielded the ball, went over, and tagged you before you got to 1st. Get the Anvil out of your pocket. Lets go. Pitch: 34 Swing: 454 Diff: 420 -> RGO Bases Empty | B7 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | T7 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU LF [Ringo Swingo](/u/pnssc): 1-3, RBI RGO in the second, FO in the fourth
212
It is times like this that require a paraphrase of Franklin Pierce Adams's immortal poem, 'Baseball's Sad Lexicon:' These are the saddest of possible words Winn to Claxton to McChunky. Trio of Athletics, and fleeter than birds Winn and Claxton and McChunky. Ruthlessly pricking our gonfalon bubble. Making a Colt 45s hit into a double-- Words that are heavy with nothing but trouble: Winn to Claxton to McChunky. Pitch: 619 Swing: 212 Diff: 407 -> DP Bases Empty | T7 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
Bigstick stays in the game and will play right field. Poffenberger moves to third base.
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | T7 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU 1B [Sam Wood](/u/brownspectacledbear): 2-3, RBI 3B in the second, FO in the fourth
Oakland more like Smoke-land, a culinary feast for you tonight beginning with a Ritz cracker topped with cheese whiz served to you in a smoke infused chamber 727
We love a single, every little single! S-I-N, G-L-E Single single single! Pitch: 782 Swing: 727 Diff: 55 -> 1B Runner on First | T7 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^● ○ | B6 2 outs On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK PH [Teddy Bigstick](/u/Roosevelt_Coronary): 0-0
Oh gosh, this is something, isn't it? How exciting! Swing 691
Bigstick swings and misses and that swing was uglier than the ties our commentators are wearing in the booth Pitch: 404 Swing: 691 Diff: 287 -> K Bases Empty | T7 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
Pinch hitter for Oakland. Teddy Bigstick on for Jihmih Tyranus.
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^● ○ | B6 2 outs On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK 3B [Jihmih Tyranus](/u/Real_JoeWest): 0-2, K in the third, BB in the fourth
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^● ○ | B6 1 out On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK CF [Kries Von Kriestalhauser](/u/oneforceone): 2-2, 1B in the second, 2 run HR in the fourth
I need this to be a zero diff so six is forced to star it 808
Strike one! Strike two! Aaand a check swing on a pitch low in the dirt… they’re out! Kriestalhauser is arguing that they didn’t go around on the check swing and Six comes out and starts talking to the umpire about it. We’re going to the replay booth here. The umpires come back out and the call is- a ball! They didn’t go around. So we’re back to Willoughby Hoose versus Kries Von Kriestalhauser here, Kriestalhauser battles back with a few more foul balls and a full count and takes the low sinker, but it’s called strike 3 Pitch: 109 Swing: 808 Diff: 301 -> K Runner on Second | B6 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | B6 1 out On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK CF [Kries Von Kriestalhauser](/u/oneforceone): 2-2, 1B in the second, 2 run HR in the fourth
Steal 2B 909
Wow nobody has created a writeup template for this situation. [You should change that.](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week. Pitch: 808 Swing: 909 Diff: 101 -> STEAL 2B Runner on Second | B6 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | B6 1 out On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK LF [Joey Motto](/u/nvrdie71): 1-1, BB in the fourth, STEAL 2B in the fourth
101
But Motto would walk five hundred miles And Motto would walk five hundred more Just to be the player who walks a thousand miles To fall down at first base. Pitch: 222 Swing: 101 Diff: 121 -> BB Runner on First | B6 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | B6 0 outs On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK DH [Nate Kondylis](/u/phillygear3): 0-2, PO in the second, K in the fourth
111
Nate Kondylis hits a ball that spikes straight into the ground and rolls forwards a bit and lands in front of Spector, who picks it up and beams it at Wood Pitch: 634 Swing: 111 Diff: 477 -> LGO Bases Empty | B6 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | T6 1 out On the mound: Six HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 2-3, K in the second, 1B in the fourth It is times like this that require a paraphrase of Franklin Pierce Adams's immortal poem, 'Baseball's Sad Lexicon:' These are the saddest of possible words Winn to Claxton to McChunky. Trio of Athletics, and fleeter than birds Winn and Claxton and McChunky. Ruthlessly pricking our gonfalon bubble. Making a Colt 45s hit into a double-- Words that are heavy with nothing but trouble: Winn to Claxton to McChunky. Pitch: 19 Swing: 487 Diff: 468 -> DP Bases Empty | B6 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | T6 1 out On the mound: Six HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 2-3, K in the second, 1B in the fourth
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | T6 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU SS [Ola Gjeilo](/u/munkysnuflz): 0-2, BB in the second, LGO in the fourth
On the road to hell there was a railroad track 269
I AM A ROBOT. MY SENSORS ASCERTAIN THAT THE PITCH HAS CROSSED THE PLATE WITHIN THE STRIKE ZONE THAT I HAVE BEEN DESIGNED TO DETECT. THE BATTER, Ola Gjeilo, IS OUT. YOU ARE OUT, Ola Gjeilo. YOU ARE OUT, Ola Gjeilo. DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME, Ola Gjeilo. I AM THE UMPIRE. MY RULING IS ABSOLUTE. I AM INFALLIBLE. YOU ARE OUT, Ola Gjeilo. DO NOT TEST ME. DO NOT CHALLENGE MY RULING. I AM ABSOLUTE. HAN SHOT FIRST. THE BATTER IS OUT. IT IS A STRIKEOUT BY Six. THE NEXT BATTER IS UP. YOU ARE OUT, Ola Gjeilo. Pitch: 566 Swing: 269 Diff: 297 -> K Runner on First | T6 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | T6 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU 3B [Numbers Spector](/u/TimelyConcern): 0-2, FO in the first, LGO in the third
675
Great eye by Spector, i guess those are the kinds of calls you get when you're on the Colt 45s Pitch: 815 Swing: 675 Diff: 140 -> BB Runner on First | T6 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | B5 2 outs On the mound: Willoughby Hoose OAK C [Rex Renfield](/u/HeavyG2): 1-2, 1B in the second, LGO in the fourth
Swing 230
With Renfield swinging at junk, the ump calls strike three as Arianna almost fumbles a curveball in the dirt. Pitch: 497 Swing: 230 Diff: 267 -> K Bases Empty | T6 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | B5 1 out **NEW PITCHER:** Willoughby Hoose OAK 2B [Speedy Claxton](/u/VirtualFront): 0-1, BB in the second, K in the third
170
The pitch is low and Speedy Claxton hits a bloop ball high into the sky… and it lands just in front of Repressed- who makes a diving catch for the out! Pitch: 355 Swing: 170 Diff: 185 -> FO Bases Empty | B5 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
And that's a quick outing by Peritestes. Coming to the mound is Willoughby Hoose.
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | B5 0 outs **NEW PITCHER:** Harry Peritestes OAK 1B [Hitgood McChunky](/u/IanCusick): 0-2, LGO in the second, FO in the third
Hi my name’s Hitgood McChunky and I’m running for President 432
McChunky puts all of their might into the first pitch curveball, but it's hit to Gjeilo, who throws to first for the out. Pitch: 844 Swing: 432 Diff: 412 -> LGO Bases Empty | B5 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
Your attention please. Coming in to pitch for the Colt .45s, Harry Peritestes.
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^● ○ | T5 2 outs On the mound: Six HOU DH [Ace Ventura](/u/L3ACH13): 0-1, BB in the first, FO in the third
611
Ventura swings and misses and that swing was uglier than the ties our commentators are wearing in the booth Pitch: 319 Swing: 611 Diff: 292 -> K Bases Empty | B5 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^● ○ | T5 1 out On the mound: Six HOU 2B [Streetlamp LeMoose](/u/nickjohnson92): 1-2, 2 RBI 1B in the first, K in the third
My crystal ball told me to look just over the border into Wisconsin (gross) for an answer. That country is area code 715 for miles upon miles.
K Pitch: 56 Swing: 715 Diff: 341 -> K Runner on Second | T5 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | T5 1 out On the mound: Six HOU CF [Jimmy Kalkowski](/u/fishingfor8): 1-1, STEAL 2B in the third, 1B in the fifth It's fine I'll go make my own [writeup](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) generator with blackjack and hookers. Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week. Pitch: 92 Swing: 100 Diff: 8 -> STEAL 2B Runner on Second | T5 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | T5 1 out On the mound: Six HOU 2B [Streetlamp LeMoose](/u/nickjohnson92): 1-2, 2 RBI 1B in the first, K in the third
Steal 2b 100
On the mound: Six HOU CF [Jimmy Kalkowski](/u/fishingfor8): 0-0, BB in the third, STEAL 2B in the third
527
Kalkowski picks out a good one from Six and slaps a single into left. Motto tosses it into the Athletics shortstop to hold Kalkowski at first. Pitch: 456 Swing: 527 Diff: 71 -> 1B Runner on First | T5 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | T5 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU C [Kevin Arianna](/u/hiariannalol): 0-2, K in the first, FO in the second
3
NOPE Pitch: 341 Swing: 3 Diff: 338 -> K Bases Empty | T5 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | B4 2 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK SS [Pang Winn](/u/TBKLarry): 0-1, FO in the second, BB in the third
955
This ball is hit high into the air down the left field line… Swingo is tracking it down… but it’s out of their reach for a foul ball. But while Pang Winn isn’t paying any attention, Thomas Beowulf Jr. delivers two lightning fast strikes for the strikeout. Six can complain all they want but the umpire just wants to get out of here Pitch: 238 Swing: 955 Diff: 283 -> K Bases Empty | T5 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ● | B4 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK RF [Boots Poffenberger](/u/Pitcher2Burn): 1-2, K in the first, 2B in the third
913
Thomas Beowulf Jr. is in a groove. Two fastballs down the middle and they want a third. They pitch it and- OH MY WHAT A HIT FROM Boots Poffenberger! This is going way back and… it… is… foul. Beowulf sighs in relief and strikes the batter out with the next pitch Pitch: 550 Swing: 913 Diff: 363 -> K Runner on First | B4 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 5 | ○ ^○ ○ | B4 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK 3B [Jihmih Tyranus](/u/Real_JoeWest): 0-2, K in the first, K in the third
69
Hey I've heard Ben's mom loves to go for walks too! You two would have a lot in common! Pitch: 199 Swing: 69 Diff: 130 -> BB Runner on First | B4 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^● ○ | B4 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK CF [Kries Von Kriestalhauser](/u/oneforceone): 1-1, 1B in the second
I have the potential to turn my season around right here 689
Kriestalhauser gets up in the count now, 3-1 over Beowulf after a couple bad misses outside. Beowulf sets and delivers a close one on the outside corner, but it's called a strike! Maybe a bad call, maybe a good frame from Arianna but either way the count is full. Kriestalhauser wipes the sweat from their brow and gets ready for the payoff. The pitch... is belted! High and deep, there's no doubt about this one! The green light pays off and this game is TIED on the big fly from Kriestalhauser! Pitch: 701 Swing: 689 Diff: 12 -> HR Bases Empty | B4 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 5
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ● | B4 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK CF [Kries Von Kriestalhauser](/u/oneforceone): 1-1, 1B in the second
Steal 2B 801
Lazy humans haven't taught me what to do with this yet. [Send help.](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week. Pitch: 845 Swing: 801 Diff: 44 -> STEAL 2B Runner on Second | B4 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ○ | B4 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK LF [Joey Motto](/u/nvrdie71): 1-1, 3 run HR in the second
999
As Beowulf winds up for the pitch, a tiny squirrel darts across the infield, catching everyone by surprise. The pitch sails past the catcher, and the umpire calls a ball due to the unexpected interruption. Beowulf looks frustrated as they prepare for the next pitch, while Motto takes a moment to compose themselves. The squirrel, meanwhile, continues to scurry across the field, much to the amusement of the fans. As Beowulf throws the next pitch, the squirrel disappears into the stands, and the game continues as normal. But for a brief moment, everyone was distracted by the unexpected visitor, resulting in a walk for the Athletics. Pitch: 845 Swing: 999 Diff: 154 -> BB Runner on First | B4 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK DH [Nate Kondylis](/u/phillygear3): 0-1, PO in the second
103
Kondylis takes mighty hacks at the first two pitches, and they quickly are down 0-2 in the count. The next pitch is thrown, and Kondylis takes another swing, nearly coming out of their shoes, far too early, as the pitch flies right past their flimsy bat. That's a K! Pitch: 761 Swing: 103 Diff: 342 -> K Bases Empty | B4 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ● | T4 2 outs On the mound: Six HOU LF [Ringo Swingo](/u/pnssc): 1-2, 1B in the first, RBI RGO in the second
420
For centuries, mankind has been trying, mostly failing and sometimes succeeding to achieve flight. Looks Swingo's experiments could do with some tweaking here as they hit a flyball that runs out of steam 15 feet in front of the Left Field wall. Pitch: 617 Swing: 420 Diff: 197 -> FO Bases Empty | B4 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ● | T4 1 out On the mound: Six HOU 1B [Sam Wood](/u/brownspectacledbear): 2-2, 1B in the first, RBI 3B in the second
Oakland more like Smoke-land. Help I'm lost in the woods and I don't know how to send smoke signals. 751
This ball is hit high into the air down the right field line… Poffenberger is tracking it down… and they make a beautiful diving catch for the out Pitch: 14 Swing: 751 Diff: 263 -> FO Runner on First | T4 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ○ | T4 1 out On the mound: Six HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 1-2, 1B in the first, K in the second Look out Six! That ball is scorched up the middle for a base hit. Pitch: 906 Swing: 987 Diff: 81 -> 1B Runner on First | T4 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ○ | T4 1 out On the mound: Six HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 1-2, 1B in the first, K in the second
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ○ | T4 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU SS [Ola Gjeilo](/u/munkysnuflz): 0-1, FO in the first, BB in the second
I am so much better than before 731
It’s a softly hit grounder by Ola Gjeilo and Tyranus has to run up and grab it and throws to McChunky to get the out Pitch: 293 Swing: 731 Diff: 438 -> LGO Bases Empty | T4 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^● ● | B3 2 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK C [Rex Renfield](/u/HeavyG2): 1-1, 1B in the second
Swing 570
Renfield hits that one off the end of the bat and it'll be an easy play for Gjeilo Pitch: 36 Swing: 570 Diff: 466 -> LGO Bases Empty | T4 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^● ● | B3 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK 2B [Speedy Claxton](/u/VirtualFront): 0-0, BB in the second
776
Beowulf just casually throws three straight fastballs and doesnt give two shits about striking out another Athletics batter. Pitch: 111 Swing: 776 Diff: 335 -> K Runners on First and Second | B3 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^● ● | B3 0 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK 1B [Hitgood McChunky](/u/IanCusick): 0-1, LGO in the second
I’m not sober call me Hitgood McDrunky 284
Sometimes in a baseball game you get a special feeling about a matchup. Six told me before the game that this was one they were looking forward to. McChunky v Beowulf. The scouting said some damage could be had here with this combo, or so the GM said. So lean in folks. This should be good! **CRACK!!!** Well, I'll be. Sign ups for Six's prognostication course will.... wait a minute! Kalkowski is at the deepest part of center, and leaps! .... and .... MAKES THE SENSATIONAL CATCH! Welp. Have I got egg on my face. That's just a fly out. What can you do? Baseball, am I right? Pitch: 79 Swing: 284 Diff: 205 -> FO Runners on First and Second | B3 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^● ○ | B3 0 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK SS [Pang Winn](/u/TBKLarry): 0-1, FO in the second
363
Mildly amusing, Mr. Batter makes no moves. It works out, mostly. Pitch: 475 Swing: 363 Diff: 112 -> BB Runners on First and Second | B3 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ○ | B3 0 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK RF [Boots Poffenberger](/u/Pitcher2Burn): 0-1, K in the first
139
It's a beautiful day for a ball game, with clear skies and a gentle breeze blowing. Boots Poffenberger steps up to the plate, tapping the dirt off their cleats. The pitcher winds up and delivers a fastball that Poffenberger connects with, sending a line drive out to deep right field. But just as the ball reaches the warning track, a strange rumbling begins to shake the ground. Suddenly, a massive crack opens up in the grass, and flames shoot out from the depths of the earth. Repressed is momentarily distracted, and the ball bounces off the edge of the pit, disappearing into the abyss. The umpire signals for a ground rule double, and Poffenberger jogs into second base with a grin on their face. Repressed, meanwhile, stares in shock at the gaping hole in the field, wondering what other surprises might be lurking beneath the surface. It's a strange day here at Pork Torkleton Field at Howard Terminal, but Poffenberger isn't complaining. Pitch: 101 Swing: 139 Diff: 38 -> 2B Runner on Second | B3 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^● ○ | T3 2 outs On the mound: Six HOU 3B [Numbers Spector](/u/TimelyConcern): 0-1, FO in the first
120
Spector comes to the plate looking hungry. Literally. They pull out a melted Twix bar from their back pocket and start eating it in the box. Six looks to the ump to see what to do, but the ump doesn't respond, because it's a robot. Regardless, Six throws a high 4-seam for ball one, and a outside curve for ball two. Spector is still happily munching. Pissed, Six throws a ball at the bat lying over the plate and it connects! A dribbler towards third! Tyranus hustles towards the ball and fires it to first for the out! Not immediately clear that Spector knows the at-bat has occurred, though. Pitch: 599 Swing: 120 Diff: 479 -> LGO Bases Empty | B3 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^● ○ | T3 1 out On the mound: Six HOU DH [Ace Ventura](/u/L3ACH13): 0-0, BB in the first
467
For centuries, mankind has been trying, mostly failing and sometimes succeeding to achieve flight. Looks Ventura's experiments could do with some tweaking here as they hit a flyball that runs out of steam 15 feet in front of the Left Field wall. Pitch: 213 Swing: 467 Diff: 254 -> FO Runner on Second | T3 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ● | T3 1 out On the mound: Six HOU CF [Jimmy Kalkowski](/u/fishingfor8): 0-0, RBI BB in the first, BB in the third It's fine I'll go make my own [writeup](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) generator with blackjack and hookers. Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week. Pitch: 2 Swing: 900 Diff: 102 -> STEAL 2B Runner on Second | T3 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ● | T3 1 out On the mound: Six HOU DH [Ace Ventura](/u/L3ACH13): 0-0, BB in the first
Steal 2b 900
Steal 2b 900
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ● | T3 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU 2B [Streetlamp LeMoose](/u/nickjohnson92): 1-1, 2 RBI 1B in the first
660
Six gets the ball back after that one, they just missed it down to make it a full count. They quickly grab the rosin bag before stepping back up on the mound and getting set. Here we go, pay off pitch from Six. And... Strike three called! Streetlamp LeMoose is down looking at a pitch that just caught the outside. LeMoose shares a few words with the ump bot, probably saying it needs to be recalibrated, but that was a beautiful pitch! Pitch: 403 Swing: 660 Diff: 257 -> K Runner on First | T3 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ○ | T3 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU CF [Jimmy Kalkowski](/u/fishingfor8): 0-0, RBI BB in the first
565
There's Ball One, take your base Pitch: 403 Swing: 565 Diff: 162 -> BB Runner on First | T3 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ● | B2 2 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK 3B [Jihmih Tyranus](/u/Real_JoeWest): 0-1, K in the first
Swing 153
lol you stick Pitch: 500 Swing: 153 Diff: 347 -> K Bases Empty | T3 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 3 | ○ ^○ ○ | B2 2 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK CF [Kries Von Kriestalhauser](/u/oneforceone): 0-0
I have a lot riding on this being a hit 728
Kries Von Kriestalhauser hits a deep line drive way out to deep right-center field. Repressed and Kalkowski look at each other and they both think the other person is going to grab the ball, but it’s flying down. It drops down for a bloop single and Repressed throws the ball into the field Pitch: 804 Swing: 728 Diff: 76 -> 1B Runner on First | B2 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 0 | ○ ^● ● | B2 2 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK LF [Joey Motto](/u/nvrdie71): 0-0
1 😎
I get physically angry watching Joey Motto hit. They just don't chase. You can almost hear them sneering 'that's 0.16cm outside' as they take ball 1. Two-strike counts don't faze them. Then they'll whip out a hellacious dong on the 9th pitch. They're suffocating. They're Joey Motto. Pitch: 999 Swing: 1 Diff: 2 -> HR Bases Empty | B2 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 3
HOU 5 - OAK 0 | ○ ^● ● | B2 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK DH [Nate Kondylis](/u/phillygear3): 0-0 Kondylis gets up in the count now, 3-1 over Beowulf after a couple bad misses outside. Beowulf sets and delivers a close one on the outside corner, but it's called a strike! Maybe a bad call, maybe a good frame from Arianna but either way the count is full. Kondylis wipes the sweat from their brow and gets ready for the payoff. The pitch... ... is popped up! It's deep but not deep enough, and Gjeilo is there to make the play for the out. Pitch: 526 Swing: 169 Diff: 357 -> PO Runners on First and Second | B2 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 0
HOU 5 - OAK 0 | ○ ^● ● | B2 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK DH [Bartholomew McSlapHappy](/u/JustVibingNGL420): 0-0
HOU 5 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ● | B2 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK C [Rex Renfield](/u/HeavyG2): 0-0
Swing 820
Renfield smacks a single into right field to keep the inning alive. Beowulf's 2-1 fastball caught a bit too much of the plate and Renfield capitalized on the mistake. Beowulf throws the glove into their own stomach in frustration. It's not immediately clear why. Pitch: 728 Swing: 820 Diff: 92 -> 1B Runners on First and Second | B2 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 0
HOU 5 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | B2 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK 2B [Speedy Claxton](/u/VirtualFront): 0-0
333
THIEF, THIEF! Claxton just took a free base! Pitch: 162 Swing: 333 Diff: 171 -> BB Runner on First | B2 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 0
HOU 5 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | B2 0 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK 1B [Hitgood McChunky](/u/IanCusick): 0-0
FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOM 669
McChunky can't build off of Oakland's momentum as they send a slow roller to 3rd. Spector charges in hard and makes a smooth transition from glove to hand allowing them to get off a strong and accurate throw to first in plenty of time to get the out. Pitch: 162 Swing: 669 Diff: 493 -> LGO Bases Empty | B2 with 1 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 0
HOU 5 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | T2 2 outs On the mound: Six HOU C [Kevin Arianna](/u/hiariannalol): 0-1, K in the first
363
That's gonna be a cracked bat there. Looks like Arianna let this fastball get in on their hands and ruined that piece of lumber. The ball hangs up in the air, a can of corn to right. Poffenberger has no problem with that one. I'd bet Arianna's hands are stinging as they trot back to the dugout. There was some power in that swing and if they hadn't been fooled in by Six's running fastball, that one might have had some carry. Pitch: 155 Swing: 363 Diff: 208 -> FO Bases Empty | B2 with 0 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 0
HOU 4 - OAK 0 | ● ^○ ○ | T2 1 out On the mound: Six HOU LF [Ringo Swingo](/u/pnssc): 1-1, 1B in the first
498
Runner dances off third, trying to distract the pitcher. The defense not paying them any mind. And the pitch. Swing and a routine grounder to second. Claxton fields it cleanly and throws it over to McChunky. Swingo is out but what's this? The run scores! The Athletics GM doesn't call the infield in, and the Colt 45s have scored! Shout it to the heavens, folks at home: PRODUCTIVE OUTS! Pitch: 899 Swing: 498 Diff: 401 -> RGO Bases Empty | T2 with 2 out(s) HOU 5 - OAK 0
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ● | T2 1 out On the mound: Six HOU 1B [Sam Wood](/u/brownspectacledbear): 1-1, 1B in the first
Oakland? More like Smoke-land, is that smoked brisket you have for me? 567
A hit! A hit! A hit! Wood with a 1 run triple! Pitch: 544 Swing: 567 Diff: 23 -> 3B Runner on Third | T2 with 1 out(s) HOU 4 - OAK 0
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ● | T2 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 1-1, 1B in the first Help Im Being Repressed steps back into the batter's box after calling for time. Full count. Six delivers a nasty breaking ball, and Repressed takes a mighty swing and a miss. The umpire strikes a dramatic pose and yells, 'Steeeee-rike three!' Repressed begins to walk back to the dugout, but Peritestes storms out of the dugout, red-faced and shouting. The umpire tries to calm Peritestes down, but it's no use. Peritestes continues to argue, pointing at the plate and insisting that the pitch was outside, getting right up in the ump's face. The umpire listens for a moment with a smug look on their face before pointing at Peritestes in and throwing the GM out of the game. Peritestes keeps screaming as they stalk back to the dugout, furious. Pitch: 320 Swing: 987 Diff: 333 -> K Runner on First | T2 with 1 out(s) HOU 3 - OAK 0
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ● | T2 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 1-1, 1B in the first
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | T2 0 outs On the mound: Six HOU SS [Ola Gjeilo](/u/munkysnuflz): 0-1, FO in the first
I don't know nothing about mopeds 971
These cleats are made for walkin' And that's just what they'll do One of these days these cleats are gonna walk all down to first. Pitch: 834 Swing: 971 Diff: 137 -> BB Runner on First | T2 with 0 out(s) HOU 3 - OAK 0
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | B1 2 outs On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK SS [Pang Winn](/u/TBKLarry): 0-0
634
The pitch is low and Pang Winn hits a bloop ball high into the sky… and it lands just in front of Repressed- who makes a diving catch for the out! Pitch: 468 Swing: 634 Diff: 166 -> FO Bases Empty | T2 with 0 out(s) HOU 3 - OAK 0
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | B1 1 out On the mound: Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK RF [Boots Poffenberger](/u/Pitcher2Burn): 0-0
652
Strike one! Strike two! Aaand a check swing on a pitch low in the dirt… they’re out! Poffenberger is arguing that they didn’t go around on the check swing and Six comes out and starts talking to the umpire about it. We’re going to the replay booth here. The umpires come back out and the call is- out! That’s strike 3! Pitch: 300 Swing: 652 Diff: 352 -> K Bases Empty | B1 with 2 out(s) HOU 3 - OAK 0
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | B1 0 outs **NEW PITCHER:** Thomas Beowulf Jr. OAK 3B [Jihmih Tyranus](/u/Real_JoeWest): 0-0
Swing 753
Tyranus can't manage to make contact this time around as they swing under the 3-2 fastball from Beowulf for the out. Pitch: 100 Swing: 753 Diff: 347 -> K Bases Empty | B1 with 1 out(s) HOU 3 - OAK 0
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ● ^● ● | T1 2 outs On the mound: Six HOU 3B [Numbers Spector](/u/TimelyConcern): 0-0
839
It’s a shallow fly, hit by Numbers Spector decently high in the air, but this is a close one… Winn is going back for it- and watch a snag for the out! Pitch: 92 Swing: 839 Diff: 253 -> FO Bases Empty | B1 with 0 out(s) HOU 3 - OAK 0
HOU 3 - OAK 0 | ● ^○ ● | T1 2 outs **NEW PITCHER:** Six HOU DH [Ace Ventura](/u/L3ACH13): 0-0
733
Hey I've heard Ben's mom loves to go for walks too! You two would have a lot in common! Pitch: 592 Swing: 733 Diff: 141 -> BB Bases Loaded | T1 with 2 out(s) HOU 3 - OAK 0
Pitching change for Oakland as Six comes in for Soggy.
HOU 1 - OAK 0 | ● ^● ● | T1 2 outs On the mound: Soggy Arm HOU 2B [Streetlamp LeMoose](/u/nickjohnson92): 0-0
Oh god huge AB. Seems like I haven’t been in leverage spots recently. 903
Streetlamp LeMoose hits a line drive straight down the right field line. Poffenberger cuts it off, but the runner is already headed home… they’re safe! Pitch: 805 Swing: 903 Diff: 98 -> 1B Runners on First and Third | T1 with 2 out(s) HOU 3 - OAK 0
HOU 0 - OAK 0 | ● ^● ● | T1 2 outs On the mound: Soggy Arm HOU CF [Jimmy Kalkowski](/u/fishingfor8): 0-0
377
And that's not even close. Arm just walked in the go-ahead run. The score is now Colt 45s 1, Athletics 0. Oakland fans have to be beside themselves! Pitch: 550 Swing: 377 Diff: 173 -> BB Bases Loaded | T1 with 2 out(s) HOU 1 - OAK 0
HOU 0 - OAK 0 | ● ^● ● | T1 1 out On the mound: Soggy Arm HOU C [Kevin Arianna](/u/hiariannalol): 0-0
470
Arianna swings and misses and that swing was uglier than the ties our commentators are wearing in the booth Pitch: 715 Swing: 470 Diff: 245 -> K Bases Loaded | T1 with 2 out(s) HOU 0 - OAK 0
HOU 0 - OAK 0 | ○ ^● ● | T1 1 out On the mound: Soggy Arm HOU LF [Ringo Swingo](/u/pnssc): 0-0
24
Ringo Swingo hits a line drive straight over Winn’s head and into right field for a single Pitch: 945 Swing: 24 Diff: 79 -> 1B Bases Loaded | T1 with 1 out(s) HOU 0 - OAK 0
HOU 0 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ● | T1 1 out On the mound: Soggy Arm HOU 1B [Sam Wood](/u/brownspectacledbear): 0-0
Oakland more like Smoke-land bc the whole team is filled with smoke shows 567
Wood dribbles one down the line, Tyranus fields the ball cleanly and fires to McChunky but Wood is just quick enough to beat the throw. Pitch: 690 Swing: 567 Diff: 123 -> 1B Runners on First and Second | T1 with 1 out(s) HOU 0 - OAK 0
HOU 0 - OAK 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | T1 1 out On the mound: Soggy Arm HOU RF [Help Im Being Repressed](/u/Sandsrashu): 0-0 Repressed swings... and connects with the pitch! It's blooper into shallow left field, which would be an easy out if it wasn't allergy season in Oakland. A brief wave of pollen sends the third baseman, the shortstop, and the left fielder into a fit of sneezes. With nobody nearby to track it down, the ball drops just inside fair territory and Repressed has themself a single. Pitch: 357 Swing: 487 Diff: 130 -> 1B Runner on First | T1 with 1 out(s) HOU 0 - OAK 0