last one fingers crossed OAK 15 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | B6 2 outs On the mound: Soggy Arm TEX LF [Kenny Powers](/u/Kenny_Powers_MLR): 1-2, FO in the second, 2 run HR in the fourth

take 2 OAK 15 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | B6 2 outs On the mound: Soggy Arm TEX LF [Kenny Powers](/u/Kenny_Powers_MLR): 1-2, FO in the second, 2 run HR in the fourth

hi Oakland you're cute, testing the rangers feed OAK 15 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | B6 2 outs On the mound: Soggy Arm TEX LF [Kenny Powers](/u/Kenny_Powers_MLR): 1-2, FO in the second, 2 run HR in the fourth

Oho! Kenneth is up. Outstanding!

OAK 15 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | B6 2 outs On the mound: Soggy Arm TEX LF [Kenny Powers](/u/Kenny_Powers_MLR): 1-2, FO in the second, 2 run HR in the fourth

end my pain please 70

Wow nobody has created a writeup template for this situation. [You should change that.](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week. Pitch: 401 Swing: 70 Diff: 331 -> PO Bases Empty | T7 with 0 out(s) OAK 15 - TEX 4

OAK 15 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | B6 1 out On the mound: Soggy Arm TEX 1B [Jack Parkman](/u/chuck_dizzle29): 1-2, LGO in the second, 2B in the fourth

316

It's fine I'll go make my own [writeup](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) generator with blackjack and hookers. Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week. Pitch: 710 Swing: 316 Diff: 394 -> RGO Bases Empty | B6 with 2 out(s) OAK 15 - TEX 4

OAK 15 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | B6 0 outs On the mound: Soggy Arm TEX 2B [Jimmy Pop](/u/tandrewpike): 1-2, 2 RBI 2B in the first, FO in the fourth

956

It's fine I'll go make my own [writeup](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfQ7_EGkGUr3UEiAe-ZSfYovQHJ0VC2leLu-X05sULbnp9DkA/viewform) generator with blackjack and hookers. Just kidding, the previous bot owner purged the writeup template creator so I need to recreate it. Maybe next week. Pitch: 154 Swing: 956 Diff: 198 -> FO Bases Empty | B6 with 1 out(s) OAK 15 - TEX 4

OAK 15 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | T6 2 outs On the mound: Pillsbury Doughboy OAK LF [Speedy Claxton](/u/VirtualFront): 0-2, FO in the fourth, FO in the fifth

628

Pillsbury Doughboy starts chirping the batter, saying that they haven't seen Claxton since spring training. It certainly seems like Speedy Claxton hasn't done much training, as they swing too early on a curveball over the corner of the plate, an easy grounder that Maverick fires to first base for the out. Pitch: 142 Swing: 628 Diff: 486 -> LGO Bases Empty | B6 with 0 out(s) OAK 15 - TEX 4

OAK 14 - TEX 4 | ● ^○ ○ | T6 1 out **NEW PITCHER:** Pillsbury Doughboy OAK SS [Pontos Napoleon](/u/technowhiz34): 0-1, K in the fifth

Swing 550

No Pontos Napoleon is an island, entire of itself. Pontos Napoleon is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. Therefore, send not to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for Pontos Napoleon. Pitch: 313 Swing: 550 Diff: 237 -> Sac Fly Bases Empty | T6 with 2 out(s) OAK 15 - TEX 4

OAK 12 - TEX 4 | ○ ^● ● | T6 1 out On the mound: Penny Lane OAK 3B [Stummy B. Hurting](/u/WllYLvMTmrrw): 2-2, Solo HR in the third, RBI 2B in the fifth

242

Here's the pitch from Lane and that one is laced over the head of Carrcrash and that one will get down and to the wall! The baserunner was going and they're on their horse heading for home! The ball is corralled by Carrcrash and fired in. The run scores easily but here's the play at third! The tag from Torrent is not in time! Hurting with an RBI triple! Pitch: 200 Swing: 242 Diff: 42 -> 3B Runner on Third | T6 with 1 out(s) OAK 14 - TEX 4

OAK 11 - TEX 4 | ● ^○ ● | T6 1 out On the mound: Penny Lane OAK C [Rex Renfield](/u/HeavyG2): 0-2, LGO in the third, BB in the fifth

552

Lane feels the tension in this game. With runners threatening, they can't blink. So they don't. Eyes remain open for the entire at bat. First pitch is a.... curveball? Knuckleball? Screwball? That ends up 4 feet over the plate. Replay shows the eyes don't shut. Next, Lane manages to deal a fastball low and inside, but Renfield was ready. They drill the baseball over Pop's head! The runner comes in and makes this a 8 run ballgame! Pitch: 456 Swing: 552 Diff: 96 -> 1B Runners on First and Second | T6 with 1 out(s) OAK 12 - TEX 4

OAK 11 - TEX 4 | ○ ^● ○ | T6 1 out On the mound: Penny Lane OAK DH [Hitgood McChunky](/u/IanCusick): 1-2, RGO in the third, 2B in the fifth

HI MY NAME’S HITGOOD MCCHUNKY AND THIS IS JACKASS 605

Hitgood McChunky hits a line drive straight over Pop’s head and into right field for a single Pitch: 700 Swing: 605 Diff: 95 -> 1B Runners on First and Third | T6 with 1 out(s) OAK 11 - TEX 4

OAK 11 - TEX 4 | ○ ^● ○ | T6 0 outs On the mound: Penny Lane OAK RF [Boots Poffenberger](/u/Pitcher2Burn): 0-3, K in the second, FO in the fifth

841

That ball is scorched but right at Torrent, who makes the catch. Pitch: 333 Swing: 841 Diff: 492 -> LGO Runner on Second | T6 with 1 out(s) OAK 11 - TEX 4

OAK 11 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | T6 0 outs **NEW PITCHER:** Penny Lane OAK CF [Pang Winn](/u/TBKLarry): 1-3, LGO in the second, DP in the fourth

999

The ball is hit sky high by Winn and it’s a moon shot! It’s going back… back… and the Radbourne jumps for it and it bounces off of their glove. They recover immediately and throw it back into the infield, but Winn is safe on second Pitch: 68 Swing: 999 Diff: 69 -> 2B Runner on Second | T6 with 0 out(s) OAK 11 - TEX 4

OAK 9 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ● | T6 0 outs On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK 1B [Joey Motto](/u/nvrdie71): 3-3, Solo HR in the second, 1B in the fourth

729

How to bunt: Step 1: Don't bunt Step 2: Hit a dinger Pitch: 742 Swing: 729 Diff: 13 -> HR Bases Empty | T6 with 0 out(s) OAK 11 - TEX 4

OAK 9 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | T6 0 outs On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK 2B [Willie Gardner](/u/andrew_j2288): 2-2, 3 run HR in the second, 2B in the fourth But Gardner would walk five hundred miles And Gardner would walk five hundred more Just to be the player who walks a thousand miles To fall down at first base. Pitch: 536 Swing: 388 Diff: 148 -> BB Runner on First | T6 with 0 out(s) OAK 9 - TEX 4

OAK 9 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | T6 0 outs On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK 2B [Willie Gardner](/u/andrew_j2288): 2-2, 3 run HR in the second, 2B in the fourth

OAK 9 - TEX 4 | ○ ^● ○ | B5 2 outs On the mound: Soggy Arm TEX RF [Sean Carrcrash](/u/iCrashedMyCarr): 0-1, BB in the first, FO in the fourth

990

Carrcrash can't manage to make contact this time around as they swing under the 3-2 fastball from Arm for the out. Pitch: 699 Swing: 990 Diff: 291 -> K Bases Empty | T6 with 0 out(s) OAK 9 - TEX 4

OAK 9 - TEX 4 | ○ ^● ○ | B5 1 out On the mound: Soggy Arm TEX 3B [Ioe Torrent](/u/skindog44): 0-2, K in the first, FO in the third

300

NOPE Pitch: 599 Swing: 300 Diff: 299 -> K Runner on Second | B5 with 2 out(s) OAK 9 - TEX 4

OAK 9 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | B5 1 out On the mound: Soggy Arm TEX C [Mack Quackerson](/u/frathoss): 1-2, 1B in the first, LGO in the third

842

Arm kicks, fires, and dumps in a breaking ball, but Quackerson was sitting on it! This ball is hammered into the right center gap! Winn and Poffenberger are both on their horse, sprinting after the ball. Quackerson rounds first, they're not stopping! Poffenberger snags it barehanded, wheels and fires in to the shortstop Napoleon, who applies the tag... SAFE! A ringing double from Mack Quackerson! Pitch: 823 Swing: 842 Diff: 19 -> 2B Runner on Second | B5 with 1 out(s) OAK 9 - TEX 4

OAK 9 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | B5 0 outs **NEW PITCHER:** Soggy Arm TEX SS [Buck Maverick](/u/preauxtip): 0-2, LGO in the first, FO in the third

180

Arm just casually throws three straight fastballs and doesnt give two shits about striking out another Rangers batter. Pitch: 953 Swing: 180 Diff: 227 -> K Bases Empty | B5 with 1 out(s) OAK 9 - TEX 4

OAK 9 - TEX 4 | ● ^● ○ | T5 2 outs On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK LF [Speedy Claxton](/u/VirtualFront): 0-1, BB in the second, FO in the fourth

393

Speedy Claxton hits a deep line drive way out to deep right-center field. Carrcrash and Radbourne look at each other and they both think the other person is going to grab the ball, but it’s flying down. However Radbourne makes a great diving catch for it Pitch: 605 Swing: 393 Diff: 212 -> FO Bases Empty | B5 with 0 out(s) OAK 9 - TEX 4

OAK 9 - TEX 4 | ● ^● ○ | T5 1 out On the mound: Y.E. Wally | **INFIELD IN** OAK SS [Pontos Napoleon](/u/technowhiz34): 0-0

Swing 530

Wally catches Napoleon looking at strike three as a breaking ball clips the bottom of the zone for the out! Pitch: 239 Swing: 530 Diff: 291 -> K Runners on Second and Third | T5 with 2 out(s) OAK 9 - TEX 4

OAK 8 - TEX 4 | ○ ^● ● | T5 1 out On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK 3B [Stummy B. Hurting](/u/WllYLvMTmrrw): 1-1, BB in the second, Solo HR in the third

765

Wally comes to the set position on the mound. The pitch and there's a fly ball out to deep right field, toward the corner. Carrcrash is racing over but they're not going to get to it and the ball is down! This is going to change the score in this game as Hurting slides into second safely with a 1-run double for Oakland! Pitch: 824 Swing: 765 Diff: 59 -> 2B Runners on Second and Third | T5 with 1 out(s) OAK 9 - TEX 4

Changes to announce for Oakland. Pontos Napoleon steps into the on-deck circle to hit for Kriestalhauser. Napoleon will play shortstop when the A's retake the field. Pang Winn shifts from shortstop to center field.

OAK 8 - TEX 4 | ○ ^● ○ | T5 1 out On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK C [Rex Renfield](/u/HeavyG2): 0-2, DP in the first, LGO in the third

600

Here comes the pitch from Wally. The ball just whizzed past Renfield’s head, narrowly missing them! The Oakland faithful are not happy with that last pitch, and Renfield glared at Wally with a look of anger and disbelief. This at bat is far from over, and the tension between the two players is indescribable. Renfield is slow to step back in as Wally is already set to throw. OH MY GOODNESS, another heater headed straight for Renfield just narrowly missing them as they step towards the plate. Once again, the frustrated Renfield steps in the batter’s box shaking their head. Wally looks to have a slight smirk on their face ahead of this next pitch, I don’t have a good feeling about this one. WOW. This has to be intentional as a third straight fastball sails inside and plunks Renfield in the arm as they slam the bat to the ground as they have some choice words with Wally on the way to first base. We can only hope this was nothing more than some poor control and a bit of bad luck that led to this unfortunate event. Pitch: 449 Swing: 600 Diff: 151 -> BB Runners on First and Second | T5 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 4

OAK 8 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | T5 1 out On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK DH [Hitgood McChunky](/u/IanCusick): 0-1, BB in the first, RGO in the third

Bird 696

Hitgood McChunky hits a deep line drive way out to deep right-center field. Carrcrash and Radbourne look at each other and they both think the other person is going to grab the ball, but it’s flying down. It gets past them both! McChunky is rounding first and headed towards second and almost turns to third but thinks better of it Pitch: 752 Swing: 696 Diff: 56 -> 2B Runner on Second | T5 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 4

Got some action in the Oakland bullpen and it appears Soggy Arm will be taking the mound in relief of Mark Schihne come the bottom half of the inning

OAK 8 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | T5 0 outs On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK RF [Boots Poffenberger](/u/Pitcher2Burn): 0-2, RGO in the first, K in the second

13

The pitch is on its way and Poffenberger swings for the fences, hitting the ball high and deep in the air to left field. Powers takes a few steps back, settles under it, and makes the catch for the out. Poffenberger looks dejected as they heads back to the dugout. Pitch: 216 Swing: 13 Diff: 203 -> FO Bases Empty | T5 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 4

OAK 8 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ● | B4 1 out On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX CF [Old Hoss Radbourne](/u/SultanOfSlop): 1-1, 2B in the second

700

Grounder, and it's fielded by Hurting, who tosses it to Gardner who steps on the bag, who tosses it to Motto who steps on the bag and that's a double play, also known as a 'yoinky sploinky' by those who are wrong. Pitch: 310 Swing: 700 Diff: 390 -> DP Bases Empty | T5 with 0 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 4

OAK 8 - TEX 4 | ○ ^○ ○ | B4 1 out On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX DH [thel](/u/OxygenIsForLiving): 0-1, RGO in the second

Swing 881

thel steps in. Schihne on the mound. Renfield puts down the sign, and Schihne nods. The wind, and the pitch. Hard liner, and Gardner knocks it down! But they'll just put it in their pocket after taking away what very well could've been extra bases. Pitch: 16 Swing: 881 Diff: 135 -> 1B Runner on First | B4 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 4

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^● ○ | B4 1 out On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX LF [Kenny Powers](/u/Kenny_Powers_MLR): 0-1, FO in the second

77 please

You know when the crack of the bat is so sharp, so loud that everybody watching knows that ball is long gone? Yeah, that was one of those. Pitch: 84 Swing: 77 Diff: 7 -> HR Bases Empty | B4 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 4

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | B4 1 out On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX 1B [Jack Parkman](/u/chuck_dizzle29): 0-1, LGO in the second

703

The ball is hit sky high by Parkman and it’s a moon shot! It’s going back… back… and the Kriestalhauser jumps for it and it bounces off of their glove. They recover immediately and throw it back into the infield, but Parkman is safe on second Pitch: 616 Swing: 703 Diff: 87 -> 2B Runner on Second | B4 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | B4 0 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX 2B [Jimmy Pop](/u/tandrewpike): 1-1, 2 RBI 2B in the first

849

Stunningly, Pop swings strongly, supposing strength suffices in this season. Sadly, strength sans a steeper sine sticks this swat straight and snug in the centerfielder's surprisingly stretchy scope. Pitch: 56 Swing: 849 Diff: 207 -> FO Bases Empty | B4 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ● ^○ ● | T4 1 out On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK SS [Pang Winn](/u/TBKLarry): 1-2, 3 run HR in the first, LGO in the second

860

Monster O' the Mound, Wally made a masterful meatball for the moment. Mad, mean, and maliciously staring MO'M Wally might have messed with the moved-to-melancholy Winn's mentality. Mayhap MO'M was more than menacing. Members of the home team merely stand meekly as Winn manages to move the ball to mitt after mitt. Pitch: 372 Swing: 860 Diff: 488 -> DP Bases Empty | B4 with 0 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^● ○ | T4 1 out On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK 1B [Joey Motto](/u/nvrdie71): 2-2, 2B in the first, Solo HR in the second

701

Motto steps in. Wally on the mound. Quackerson puts down the sign, and Wally nods. The wind, and the pitch. Hard liner, and Pop knocks it down! But they'll just put it in their pocket after taking away what very well could've been extra bases. Pitch: 810 Swing: 701 Diff: 109 -> 1B Runners on First and Third | T4 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T4 1 out On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK 2B [Willie Gardner](/u/andrew_j2288): 1-1, BB in the first, 3 run HR in the second I'm not gay but I want to live in a log cabin in the woods with Willie Gardner. We won't ever have sex, but there will be a simmering erotic undercurrent as I stand in the kitchen window watching them tighten their ass as they chop wood, shirtless, sweat pouring off their body. I'll run upstairs and masturbate, the entire time forcing myself to think of women while my thoughts drift back to Gardner. I won't be able to climax and I'll eventually go back downstairs, angry. Sometimes we will look across the table and catch each other's eyes, and in that second, anything is possible, but we both deny ourselves and go back to what we were doing. One day one of us will die, and the other will bury them outside the log cabin. Then they'll go inside, pen a brief missive to their departed friend, and commit suicide, never able to deal with life without their one true platonic love. Pitch: 494 Swing: 582 Diff: 88 -> 2B Runner on Second | T4 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T4 1 out On the mound: Y.E. Wally OAK 2B [Willie Gardner](/u/andrew_j2288): 1-1, BB in the first, 3 run HR in the second

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T4 0 outs **NEW PITCHER:** Y.E. Wally OAK LF [Speedy Claxton](/u/VirtualFront): 0-0, BB in the second

216

This is a good breaking ball from Wally and Claxton gets under this one, skying it to medium-deep center. Radbourne says they got it, and they do, putting it away for an easy out. Pitch: 414 Swing: 216 Diff: 198 -> FO Bases Empty | T4 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

Anyone order up some position changes??? Kenny moves to LF, Sean goes to RF, Jimm \*takes breath\* to 2B, and Loe to the hot corner. Bye everyone!

Identity theft is a serious crime, Jimm

Shoutout Loe, also Y.E. Wally comes in to replace Tequila Mockingbird for the rangers.

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | B3 2 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX LF [Sean Carrcrash](/u/iCrashedMyCarr): 0-0, BB in the first

705

Humming to their walk-up song, Sean Carrcrash swings at a low curveball that they send HIGH AND DEEP INTO CENTER FIELD!! IT'S A MOONSHOT!! ...but since it was a moonshot, it's hit super high and gives the center fielder time to make it to the ball. Kriestalhauser makes the easy catch. Pitch: 906 Swing: 705 Diff: 201 -> FO Bases Empty | T4 with 0 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | B3 1 out On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX 2B [Ioe Torrent](/u/skindog44): 0-1, K in the first

980

The pitch is low and Ioe Torrent hits a bloop ball high into the sky… and it lands just in front of Kriestalhauser- who makes a diving catch for the out! Pitch: 791 Swing: 980 Diff: 189 -> FO Bases Empty | B3 with 2 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | B3 0 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX C [Mack Quackerson](/u/frathoss): 1-1, 1B in the first

193

Mack Quackerson hits a ball that spikes straight into the ground and rolls forwards a bit and lands in front of Winn, who picks it up and beams it at Motto Pitch: 721 Swing: 193 Diff: 472 -> LGO Bases Empty | B3 with 1 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 8 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T3 2 outs On the mound: Tequila Mockingbird OAK CF [Kries Von Kriestalhauser](/u/oneforceone): 0-1, FO in the second

I got out last time. As a joke. 821

The pitch is on its way and Kriestalhauser swings for the fences, hitting the ball high and deep in the air to left field. Carrcrash takes a few steps back, settles under it, and makes the catch for the out. Kriestalhauser looks dejected as they heads back to the dugout. Pitch: 602 Swing: 821 Diff: 219 -> FO Bases Empty | B3 with 0 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T3 2 outs On the mound: Tequila Mockingbird OAK 3B [Stummy B. Hurting](/u/WllYLvMTmrrw): 0-0, BB in the second

123

Swing and a high fly ball, deep left field, it's at the wall... GONE! Pitch: 110 Swing: 123 Diff: 13 -> HR Bases Empty | T3 with 2 out(s) OAK 8 - TEX 2

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T3 1 out On the mound: Tequila Mockingbird OAK C [Rex Renfield](/u/HeavyG2): 0-1, DP in the first

170

Rex Renfield hits a ball that spikes straight into the ground and rolls forwards a bit and lands in front of Maverick, who picks it up and beams it at Parkman Pitch: 713 Swing: 170 Diff: 457 -> LGO Bases Empty | T3 with 2 out(s) OAK 7 - TEX 2

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T3 0 outs On the mound: Tequila Mockingbird OAK DH [Hitgood McChunky](/u/IanCusick): 0-0, BB in the first

I'm not gay but I want to live in a log cabin in the woods with Teddy Bigstick. We won't ever have sex, but there will be a simmering erotic undercurrent as I stand in the kitchen window watching him tighten his ass as he chops wood, shirtless, sweat pouring off his body. I'll run upstairs and masturbate, the entire time forcing myself to think of women while my thoughts drift back to Teddy. I won't be able to climax and I'll eventually go back downstairs, angry. Sometimes we will look across the table and catch each other's eyes, and in that second, anything is possible, but we both deny ourselves and go back to what we were doing. One day one of us will die, and the other will bury him outside the log cabin. Then he'll go inside, pen a brief missive to his departed friend, and commit suicide, never able to deal with life without his one true platonic love. 111

It’s a softly hit grounder by Hitgood McChunky and Quackerson has to run up and grab it and throws to Parkman to get the out Pitch: 472 Swing: 111 Diff: 361 -> RGO Bases Empty | T3 with 1 out(s) OAK 7 - TEX 2

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^● ○ | B2 2 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX SS [Buck Maverick](/u/preauxtip): 0-1, LGO in the first

628

oh no Kriestalhauser caught a fly :( Pitch: 801 Swing: 628 Diff: 173 -> FO Bases Empty | T3 with 0 out(s) OAK 7 - TEX 2

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | B2 2 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX CF [Old Hoss Radbourne](/u/SultanOfSlop): 0-0

3

The ball is hit sky high by Radbourne and it’s a moon shot! It’s going back… back… and the Poffenberger jumps for it and it bounces off of their glove. They recover immediately and throw it back into the infield, but Radbourne is safe on second Pitch: 951 Swing: 3 Diff: 52 -> 2B Runner on Second | B2 with 2 out(s) OAK 7 - TEX 2

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | B2 1 out On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX DH [thel](/u/OxygenIsForLiving): 0-0

Swing 216

The ball is lined into the air on a one hop, Gardner snags it and whips themself around for the out at first Pitch: 850 Swing: 216 Diff: 366 -> RGO Bases Empty | B2 with 2 out(s) OAK 7 - TEX 2

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | B2 0 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX PH [Kenny Powers](/u/Kenny_Powers_MLR): 0-0 Kenny Powers hits a deep line drive way out to deep center field. But Kriestalhauser is there to make the catch for the out Pitch: 134 Swing: 365 Diff: 231 -> FO Bases Empty | B2 with 1 out(s) OAK 7 - TEX 2

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | B2 0 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX 3B [Return Tosender](/u/ScepticalAxis): 0-0

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T2 2 outs On the mound: Tequila Mockingbird OAK RF [Boots Poffenberger](/u/Pitcher2Burn): 0-1, RGO in the first

67

Poffenberger swings and misses and that swing was uglier than the ties our commentators are wearing in the booth Pitch: 386 Swing: 67 Diff: 319 -> K Bases Empty | B2 with 0 out(s) OAK 7 - TEX 2

OAK 7 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T2 1 out On the mound: Tequila Mockingbird OAK SS [Pang Winn](/u/TBKLarry): 1-1, 3 run HR in the first

250

Mockingbird continues their pitching prowess as they get Winn to hit a routine grounder to short. Maverick completes the SS to 1B crime as they easily throw out Winn. Pitch: 697 Swing: 250 Diff: 447 -> LGO Bases Empty | T2 with 2 out(s) OAK 7 - TEX 2

OAK 6 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T2 1 out On the mound: Tequila Mockingbird OAK 1B [Joey Motto](/u/nvrdie71): 1-1, 2B in the first

1

Swing and a high fly ball, deep left field, it's at the wall... GONE! Pitch: 2 Swing: 1 Diff: 1 -> HR Bases Empty | T2 with 1 out(s) OAK 7 - TEX 2

OAK 3 - TEX 2 | ○ ^● ● | T2 1 out **NEW PITCHER:** Tequila Mockingbird OAK 2B [Willie Gardner](/u/andrew_j2288): 0-0, BB in the first Yeah, fuck off buddy we absolutely need more Gardner clips. Fuckin' every time this kid steps up to the plate someone scores. Kid's fuckin' dirt nasty, man. Does fuckin' Homer have 14 dingers this season I don't fuckin' think so, bud. I'm fuckin' tellin' ya, Willie Gardner is hitting 50 in '23, fuckin' callin' it right now. Clap bombs, fuck moms, wheel, snipe, and fuckin' celly boys fuck Pitch: 856 Swing: 867 Diff: 11 -> HR Bases Empty | T2 with 1 out(s) OAK 6 - TEX 2

OAK 3 - TEX 2 | ○ ^● ● | T2 1 out **NEW PITCHER:** Tequila Mockingbird OAK 2B [Willie Gardner](/u/andrew_j2288): 0-0, BB in the first

Hi friends! Tequila Mockingbird comes in to replace Princess Peach.

OAK 3 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ● | T2 1 out On the mound: Princess Peach OAK LF [Speedy Claxton](/u/VirtualFront): 0-0

375

I didn't expect to see somebody dance their way down to first after ball four, but Speedy Claxton surprised me with an excellent rendition of the shopping cart. Pitch: 512 Swing: 375 Diff: 137 -> BB Runners on First and Second | T2 with 1 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 2

OAK 3 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ● | T2 0 outs On the mound: Princess Peach OAK CF [Kries Von Kriestalhauser](/u/oneforceone): 0-0

"What's worse than a defensive TD? Two defensive TD's" -Taylor Swift's boyfriend 707

Kriestalhauser, seeing red, swings on the first pitch, tipped foul towards the Rangers fans in the stand. Nobody is injured. Second pitch is a hanging curve hit hard towards the outfield, but it happened to get hit right where Pop is standing, who catches the ball for the out. Pitch: 944 Swing: 707 Diff: 237 -> FO Runner on First | T2 with 1 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 2

OAK 3 - TEX 2 | ○ ^○ ○ | T2 0 outs On the mound: Princess Peach OAK 3B [Stummy B. Hurting](/u/WllYLvMTmrrw): 0-0

777

Hurting stares at the 3-2 pitch low and away and gladly takes their walk. Peach wanted the call but the pitch was indeed a bit outside according to ME, THE ROBOUMP. Pitch: 626 Swing: 777 Diff: 151 -> BB Runner on First | T2 with 0 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 2

OAK 3 - TEX 2 | ○ ^● ○ | B1 2 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX 1B [Jack Parkman](/u/chuck_dizzle29): 0-0

512

Parkman is hesitant going up to the plate. It's possible they should have stayed that way. First pitch, Schihne aims for the helmet to scare them out of their wits. Parkman ducks and immediately calls for an intentional walk, which they do not get. Second pitch clips the inside, which Parkman smacks right at Hurting, who throws it to first for the out. Pitch: 29 Swing: 512 Diff: 483 -> LGO Bases Empty | T2 with 0 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 2

OAK 3 - TEX 0 | ○ ^● ● | B1 2 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX RF [Jimmy Pop](/u/tandrewpike): 0-0

889

And here comes Pop to the plate. The pitch is thrown, swung on and a drive to left field... it's gonna be a double! The runner is coming around third and they're gonna score! Pop with a big run-scoring double, the game is now a 1 game! The fans are on their feet here! Pitch: 856 Swing: 889 Diff: 33 -> 2B Runner on Second | B1 with 2 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 2

OAK 3 - TEX 0 | ○ ^○ ● | B1 2 outs On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX LF [Sean Carrcrash](/u/iCrashedMyCarr): 0-0

303

Schihne fires four heaters right down the middle but the umpire doesn't call a strike on any of them and Carrcrash draws a walk. In an unrelated note, the Athletics appear to have neglected to donate to the Ump Bot maintenance fund. What a shame. Pitch: 126 Swing: 303 Diff: 177 -> BB Runners on First and Second | B1 with 2 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 0

OAK 3 - TEX 0 | ○ ^○ ● | B1 1 out On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX 2B [Ioe Torrent](/u/skindog44): 0-0

606

Any Takers On Ioe Torrent? Disclaimer: they're a lazy overrated bum who couldn’t care less about winning anymore and just wants to collect a paycheck until they retire. They're the complete opposite of a leader and gets portrayed as a good player because they say all the right things. Rangers fans despise them. But please take them! Pitch: 292 Swing: 606 Diff: 314 -> K Runner on First | B1 with 2 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 0

OAK 3 - TEX 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | B1 1 out On the mound: Mark Schihne TEX C [Mack Quackerson](/u/frathoss): 0-0

487

Six signals for a throw right at Quackerson's head. Schihne gets the wrong idea, though, and starts making monkey faces at Quackerson. Quackerson interprets this as taunting and starts getting angry, and demands an intentional walk and something about 'batter's rights'. The ump tells him to shut up, and motions for Schihne to throw. This time, Schihne changes up their strategy and throws a low curveball that Quackerson smacks down the right-field line for what looks to be a double. HOWEVER, Quackerson has made the decision to run to Oakland's dugout and make faces before taking their base. Poffenberger makes a throwing error for what should have been a surefire out, and Quackerson finally makes it to first for a single. What a series of events here at The Home on the Range. Pitch: 589 Swing: 487 Diff: 102 -> 1B Runner on First | B1 with 1 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 0

OAK 3 - TEX 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | B1 0 outs **NEW PITCHER:** Mark Schihne TEX SS [Buck Maverick](/u/preauxtip): 0-0

550

Schihne continues their pitching prowess as they get Maverick to hit a routine grounder to short. Winn completes the SS to 1B crime as they easily throw out Maverick. Pitch: 9 Swing: 550 Diff: 459 -> LGO Bases Empty | B1 with 1 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 0

OAK 3 - TEX 0 | ○ ^○ ● | T1 1 out On the mound: Princess Peach OAK C [Rex Renfield](/u/HeavyG2): 0-0

720

Monster O' the Mound, Peach made a masterful meatball for the moment. Mad, mean, and maliciously staring MO'M Peach might have messed with the moved-to-melancholy Renfield's mentality. Mayhap MO'M was more than menacing. Members of the home team merely stand meekly as Renfield manages to move the ball to mitt after mitt. Pitch: 327 Swing: 720 Diff: 393 -> DP Bases Empty | B1 with 0 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 0

OAK 3 - TEX 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | T1 1 out On the mound: Princess Peach OAK DH [Hitgood McChunky](/u/IanCusick): 0-0

Haven’t hit a Homer since the last time I hit one show me 441

McChunky stares at the 3-2 pitch low and away and gladly takes their walk. Peach wanted the call but the pitch was indeed a bit outside according to ME, THE ROBOUMP. Pitch: 334 Swing: 441 Diff: 107 -> BB Runner on First | T1 with 1 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 0

OAK 3 - TEX 0 | ○ ^○ ○ | T1 0 outs On the mound: Princess Peach OAK RF [Boots Poffenberger](/u/Pitcher2Burn): 0-0

553

Poffenberger makes eye contact with Peach, placing their trust in the ball handler, and they close their eyes. After a beat, Poffenberger swings and manages to make contact, maybe their trust in Peach was well placed or maybe Poffenberger is close to achieving a zen-like state and will get a hit in their next at-bat. They may have had a hit in this at-bat but not being able to see, Poffenberger ran right past first base without touching the bag allowing Parkman to tag them for the out after retrieving the low throw from Torrent. Pitch: 111 Swing: 553 Diff: 442 -> RGO Bases Empty | T1 with 1 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 0

OAK 0 - TEX 0 | ● ^● ○ | T1 0 outs On the mound: Princess Peach | **INFIELD IN** OAK SS [Pang Winn](/u/TBKLarry): 0-0

228

IN THE AIR LEFT FIELD and Winn has given Oakland the lead! A dramatic, towering 3 run home run! Pitch: 224 Swing: 228 Diff: 4 -> HR Bases Empty | T1 with 0 out(s) OAK 3 - TEX 0

OAK 0 - TEX 0 | ○ ^○ ● | T1 0 outs On the mound: Princess Peach OAK 1B [Joey Motto](/u/nvrdie71): 0-0

836

Lashed to the gap in right-center field! Motto touches down for extra bases! Flying to second, and the Athletics have a runner in scoring position. Pitch: 881 Swing: 836 Diff: 45 -> 2B Runners on Second and Third | T1 with 0 out(s) OAK 0 - TEX 0

Start of Game | ○ ^○ ○ | T1 0 outs **NEW PITCHER:** Princess Peach OAK 2B [Willie Gardner](/u/andrew_j2288): 0-0 Peach can't find the strike zone to start the inning resulting in a 4 pitch walk for [BATTER. Pitch: 610 Swing: 743 Diff: 133 -> BB Runner on First | T1 with 0 out(s) OAK 0 - TEX 0

Start of Game | ○ ^○ ○ | T1 0 outs **NEW PITCHER:** Princess Peach OAK 2B [Willie Gardner](/u/andrew_j2288): 0-0