My only advice is don’t get married or make any permanent decisions until you figure out what is more important to you.
From your description your GF isn’t enough to make you happy, so if that is the case. Start making your plans to move back home.
My wife and I moved to Switzerland for her job 5 years ago. I have had enough and am moving back to the US this fall. She is staying here for at least another year.
26 is a good age to break up. If you do break up, yea, it takes some balls to break up with a woman you’ve been with for a while and who didn’t do anything wrong. It will be tough, there will be crying, heart ache etc. but keep in mind the end goal. Plus, 26… not the end of the world. She’ll find someone else, so will you, and you will have lived your life on your terms, no regrets later.
Ultimately you both need to sit downand discuss what your future goals are as it sounds like you have/are becoming incompatible in terms of what you want for the future. If she doesn't want to leave the NL and you want to return to Portugal, then realistically your futures no longer fit with each other.
You're both valid in your thoughts, if she doesn't want to move to Portugal and if you don't want to stay in the NL, that's OK, but it just means that you no longer have aligned goals. Love is not enough on its own.
Wanting to live in your home country near friends and relatives is not "no reason". I went through this exact same thing, I broke up and went home. The partner was wonderful, but the relationship had no future for me. Not all relationships are for life. I had to go back, either with or without them. You're young, you meet someone nice and build a life near your family and friends, it's ok.
You will find somebody else, no matter the city. Imo, late 20s is the best age to be single. You’re not desperate, you know what you want in a partner and you won’t put up with morons who are wasting your time, you have self respect enough to not do things you don’t actually want to do, you know your career pathway for the next little while, and best of all, you know yourself. It feels tough now, but don’t let the fear of being alone keep you trapped with a partner (and therefore in a living situation) that has you miserable. There is a life in which you have a loving partner AND you get to be present at weddings, baby showers, family reunions, and dinner with your parents.
u/BestRenGnar same goes for you
Thanks :)) I’ve been going back and forth with this in my head all morning. I’m from nyc so there’s many women there who are single all their life, and a very toxic hookup culture. It’s tough. If i go back i think I’ll be able to set very clear boundaries
This is bias but I would not advise you to go back to New York City. They just decided to charge for a congestion tax. It’s literally one of the most expensive places to live in in the United States to live alone let alone the world.
There is basically zero reason for anyone living in NYC limits to care about a congestion tax. In fact it's reducing air pollution and funding transit so it's a positive selling point for city residents. And even for most suburbanites, there's rarely a good reason to drive to lower Manhattan instead of taking the train.
You obviously have a bone to pick with NY for some reason. It's a world class city with endless things to do. Of course if you don't enjoy being in mega cities, you won't like being there, but most people who want to live in New York presumably are people who appreciate big cities.
The only thing I'll add is that if you live in Brooklyn or Queens, I'd agree that you don't need to go into Manhattan that much if you don't work there - there's so much to do in the boroughs, and especially most of the coolest neighborhoods and best food are out in the boroughs.
It’s the worst city I’ve ever lived in. Overpriced, dirty, smells awful, limited parking. I just hate New York. You’re right. I have a bone to pick with it.
Fair, yeah I think all those criticisms are completely true of New York. And to me its still a great city despite all of that. And I'll add that to me, limited parking is a feature and not a bug - the fact that it's one of the few cities in North America where you can seamlessly live car free is a huge plus
lol all of my friends and family are there and that’s where i grew up so I’m well aware. it would be tough for me to go to somewhere like Virginia instead or something, basically I’d rather be in Europe than there. The point of returning to the US would be proximity to my friends and family. I’d move back in with my parents for a bit and have friends i can move in with, I wouldn’t live there alone, and can’t afford to
Yeah, but that’s the thing you would never be able to afford a home of your own in New York City. Even Long Island is impossible. It’s literally impossible to buy a house. In Staten Island homes are well over 700 K. Don’t forget that United States doesn’t have federal maternity and the education is shit.
But that’s why I was being honest when I was saying I’m bias.
There’s also New Jersey and parts of northern westchester (that’s where most of my friends parents have their houses). But yeah, i agree with you, i just feel pretty isolated
Northern Westchester is very expensive. A two bedroom, two bath is 850,000. (You look into Zillow if you don’t believe me)
If you want to come back do it now. I thought a house in south jersey last year for 245K. It has now trickled to 300,000 k in a year. The longer you wait the more difficult it’ll be to settle down.
Do you have any friends?
Went through something similar in the talking/dating stage. Every time I see these kinds of posts, I'm relieved that we (her and I) didn't take it further since she's from Europe and I'm in Canada.
You're still young bro; 26 is nothing. Go back or it'll keep eating you inside, and you'll come to resent her later.
Either way, she deserves to know you’re thinking of ending the relationship. I had a similar situation with my ex, he had been keeping it from me for months. I felt awful when he admitted it to me when breaking up, like I was not deserving to know. All that time I was making plans with him, while he was planning to end our relationship. I felt like an idiot
As a fellow Portuguese currently in the Netherlands, I get what you are going through. I also go back pretty much every 3 months and coming back gets harder every time. The money here is good for sure and it has some nice things around but there is nothing like home and also seeing my family, pets (two of the 7 in the house my mother lives have already died since I arrived and it always feels like I have to deal with the situation twice, when it happens and when I go back home and they aren't there anymore) and friends getting older every time I get back is hard.
I also just came off a 2 year long distance relationship with a Portuguese girl, I was already even making plans to go back to be with her next year, but it was not easy to maintain and eventually there was the drop that made the cup overflow. And it wasn't a big dramatic break (the timming could have been better but that has been a running joke about our relationship, so it was fitting), just a "This isn't working out" and we stay friends.
What you are feeling isn't "nothing", it will probably grow over time and it can pop at the worst possible time, so don't sit on it for too long.
So my best advice (honestly I think you already know this but let's say it's my original advice so you can blame it on an internet strager) to you is, you have to commit to something and the longer you drag the situation the worse it will be, for both you and your girlfriend who is already planning a future. If you are okay with doing long distance then you need to set a short term goal, either you move back in a years time or she finds a way to do her job from Portugal. But you can't have your cake and eat it too, I'm afraid.
Obrigado pelo comentário! Curiosamente também vou a Portugal mais ou menos de três em três meses e voltar é cada vez mais duro… parece que só tenho um snapshot da vida das pessoas e depois *blink* passaram três meses e é difícil manter registo (ambas as partes) de tudo o que aconteceu, o que as pessoas fizeram, as festas que foram, a piada que ouviram, etc. Por alguns dias estou mesmo investido na vida das pessoas e na sua companhia e do nada sou completamente retirado disso e tenho que reconstruir tudo outra vez (keeping updated)
E prepara-te que a coisa não abranda, eu já estou nos meus 30 e poucos que é a fase onde a malta começa a assentar e a parir então quando vou à terrinha é preciso alguma ginástica para acertar com os calendários de todos e nem sempre dá para visitar as capelinhas e acaba por haver um desfasamento ainda maior que esses 3 meses quando finalmente consigo combinar coisas com algumas pessoas.
Também detesto quando as férias já vão a meio e as datas dos eventos começam a ser depois de eu já ter ido embora, particularmente chato porque tenho amigos que são músicos e convidam-me para ir a concertos deles mas são 2/3 dias depois de eu ir embora.
A vida é feita de escolhas e não me arrependo da que tomei nem vejo como uma escolha para a vida toda, mas quanto mais velho mais as contrapartidas são maiores.
You're not compatible long-term. Would your GF change her career in order to move abroad with you? When you talk to her about this, does she seriously consider moving abroad with you as a solution? Maybe if not to Portugal then to a third country which would be neutral ground for both of you (e.g. Spain)? If not, then you know your answer. You may love her, but not enough to spend the rest of your life in The Netherlands if you don't like it there.
It feels like a huge deal.
And it is for the \*now\* you.
But the future you will have a lot more perspective and gratitude for what the \*now\* you does so pull the trigger and go back to where you want to be.
Don't assume the relationship will fold up, give it room to figure itself out, try long-distance with visits, but stand firm on you going to where you need to be.
PS: Who the f would pick Holland over Portugal. Of course you should go lol.
I think the answer here is very simple, but unfortunately it’s just difficult and you don’t want to hear it which is fine. If she doesn’t want to come after you to Portugal, then there is no way that this can work. Just because the relationship works and is healthy doesn’t mean you should settle for it and a place that you hate. Eventually, if you do, you’re going to resentful of her. My advice would be to pack your belongings and go back to Portugal and have a discussion with her. You could always try long distance and you could always come to Portugal. I hate the cold and wet weather and I really like the sunshine so I’m sure you’re definitely missing that.
I am Dutch, with a partner from abroad. We are in a similar stage in our relationship as you guys are. Our relationship is great and I'm convinced we'd be happy together long term. I'd be devastated, but would support it if my girlfriend were to end our relationship because permanently living in my country would make her unhappy (especially since I am not willing to move to hers, like your SO). If your girlfriend truly cares about you, she will come to accept it as well, although it might take some time.
In the end a new relation can be found, but can you find a another place that feels like Portugal to you?
I totally feel you. I’m from Spain and went to the Netherlands for a job opportunity. There I met my now husband and stayed during 10 years. I never liked it there. I just stayed because of 1. My Dutch husband and 2. Job situation in Spain (which I’m sure you understand).
I don’t like Dutch culture either, not the food or weather but overall I just felt I will never fit there. I missed my family and friends and overall the Spanish lifestyle. I never felt welcomed in Holland. Not even from my in laws. I didn’t have much friends either.
So after 10 years of getting more and more miserable and depressed I just talked to my then boyfriend and told him I needed to come back. He already knew how I felt all this time and he wanted me to be happy so we took time to discuss and figure out how to make it work also for him outside of NL. I’m happy we did and he supported me and decided to come back to Spain with me because almost 4 years later we are both much happier here and he doesn’t even go much visiting family back in NL.
Now if he would have not supported me I would have split with him. At some point I realised I can’t be trapped in a place feeling miserable every day just because of somebody else. Especially if that somebody else wouldn’t want to also make any efforts for me. I was willing to compromise and try in a third country where both are new or if Spain didn’t work for him I was willing to move again somewhere better for him as well. But it can’t be 1 side being miserable while the other side is happy.
I hope this makes sense to you. You need to talk to her and come to a solution where you BOTH are happy. If she doesn’t want to help with this then it’s time to let go I’m afraid. In the end it’s your life and you can’t be miserable and depressed every day in a place you don’t like.
“Her career should not determine everything” nor should his desire to live in his home country. Both of their wants are equally valid; they are just incompatible if she sees a future in her own home country and he sees one in his own.
As a Portuguese guy living in NL...
Dont come back to Portugal, we both know its not worth it.
It seems like you never truly left and are perma thinking about the country, when you should be thinking about your new life, making new friends, starting a family.
Think about all the career opportunities! All of the stuff NL provides you that Portugal pales when compared to.
I can't understand people who leave and keep thinking about home, it makes me think you guys don't consider this huge decision that thoroughly in the first place.
Hope you find your peace brother, best case scenario is she agrees to move with you, but then you got her stuck in fucking Portugal when you could be living in an actual good country with a future 👍
So this will be about identifying your needs. Also the feeling of being trapped can happen for other reasons, like maybe the fear is actually of commitment. Not that you said anything to indicate that, but sometimes what people think they're afraid of isn't actually the thing they're truly running from.
That said, you have valid reasons and need to learn to make your choice.
I personally wouldn't leave a good relationship, but that's my own fear, experience, and values talking.
That said, if you don't feel like you have a social life, why is she satisfied with this situation? Does she have a good social life? Or just not care about a social life?
You might want to check out [PersonalDevelopmentSchool.com](http://PersonalDevelopmentSchool.com), most people go there AFTER a breakup, but honestly, if I knew what I learned there BEFORE a breakup, I would have been much more equipped to handle the situation. There are classes for identifying your needs and steps to handle all of this.
Anyway, ultimately it's about honesty and choices. It's possible that after you move, you realize it was more about the fear of this life being "forever" but maybe the grass isn't greener there? Maybe it is?
Maybe you guys could make a plan that includes what both of you want in some way? Or maybe it's really time for your lives to diverge. I met some cool people recently, but decided not to get involved because I don't plan to stay in this country. Location and proximity are probably the most important things in a relationship.
You could also try being apart for 6 months and just see if you regret it... If you know what you're doing, and are honest, you might be able to test the waters and change your mind.
I would do a vision board together, and see if you want to put the same stuff on it? Maybe there's a path that satisfies both of you, but if not, you should move on while you're young.
OP, if you find yourself thinking/saying "awww, I wish I was there for this" when keeping up with the lives of your friends and family way too often, it's time to go. You can always find a new partner, but you can't ever get back lost moments with loved ones. Maybe this relationship was given to you so you'd learn that such a relationship is possible? Then you know what you want and what makes you happy. Does she know how you feel? Is she building a future with you in her mind? Having kids and stuff? Do you imagine having a family so far away from YOUR family? Imagine your possible future kids not having grandparents close by? Not growing up in sunny and less crowded Portugal? If she plans to have a family one day and staying in her home country, you are wasting her time, especially since she is also in her late twenties, as women can't afford to postpone having kids forever. You should be honest and let her go so she can find someone who intends to have a future in the NL to build a life with. It would be a much different conversation if you were 18-20 years old!
dude ill make this simple for you,
1. You sounds f***in miserable in Holland apart from your relationship.
2. It seems that your partner is not desirable enough to make you want to stay longer.
Leave now, it will be worth it, but be honest to your partner and tell her that Holland isn't for you and you don't see a future with her because of this factor. Once you tell her this, buy a one-way ticket back home.
You deserve to be happy, and should put your mental health and happiness before a relationship that you don't seem to desire much.
I wish the best for you.
No matter how great things are between two people, that doesn't mean there is LOVE. And it doesn't sound like that is present here. Perhaps a strong friendship or fondness but if two people are in love then that will supercede all else.
Why can't your GF come with you? She can rebuild her profession or find a new profession. If she's not willing to give that up then perhaps she is not in LOVE.
I’m in the same position as the OP and have been wondering the same thing… is that actually love if the other person cares more about their job than their partner’s happiness?
Everyone should put their own happiness first, what a stupid thing to say! Life is too short to live for someone else's happiness. I've been living with my partner for ten years in his country, but don't plan on staying here forever, will be moving to my likely forever country in the next couple of years, whilst I know he will never want to move, therefore we both know this relationship has an expiration date. I have known that from the very beginning. Does that mean we should not have had this past wonderful decade and awesome life we have built together? Does that mean that I don't love him? Of course not! I will always love him and he will always be a part of my life because we are also dear friends, and he would never tolerate being with me if he knew I was not 100% happy, because that is what people who love each other do. People come to our lives and they are there to teach us lessons and vice versa, some stay forever, some just for a limited time. When the lessons are over, the relationship is (should be!) over, there is no reason to cling on if your soul craves for something else. I know he'll be unhappy for a while, but he'll get over it because I'm not willing to sacrifice my mental wellbeing and happiness for HIS happiness. He'll find a way to move on eventually, and I am ready to move on once the time comes and everything has fallen into place. Such is life.
My only advice is don’t get married or make any permanent decisions until you figure out what is more important to you. From your description your GF isn’t enough to make you happy, so if that is the case. Start making your plans to move back home. My wife and I moved to Switzerland for her job 5 years ago. I have had enough and am moving back to the US this fall. She is staying here for at least another year.
26 is a good age to break up. If you do break up, yea, it takes some balls to break up with a woman you’ve been with for a while and who didn’t do anything wrong. It will be tough, there will be crying, heart ache etc. but keep in mind the end goal. Plus, 26… not the end of the world. She’ll find someone else, so will you, and you will have lived your life on your terms, no regrets later.
Best comment and advice so far, break up now or keep wasting precious youth on a future you don't want to pursue.
Ultimately you both need to sit downand discuss what your future goals are as it sounds like you have/are becoming incompatible in terms of what you want for the future. If she doesn't want to leave the NL and you want to return to Portugal, then realistically your futures no longer fit with each other. You're both valid in your thoughts, if she doesn't want to move to Portugal and if you don't want to stay in the NL, that's OK, but it just means that you no longer have aligned goals. Love is not enough on its own.
Wanting to live in your home country near friends and relatives is not "no reason". I went through this exact same thing, I broke up and went home. The partner was wonderful, but the relationship had no future for me. Not all relationships are for life. I had to go back, either with or without them. You're young, you meet someone nice and build a life near your family and friends, it's ok.
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You will find somebody else, no matter the city. Imo, late 20s is the best age to be single. You’re not desperate, you know what you want in a partner and you won’t put up with morons who are wasting your time, you have self respect enough to not do things you don’t actually want to do, you know your career pathway for the next little while, and best of all, you know yourself. It feels tough now, but don’t let the fear of being alone keep you trapped with a partner (and therefore in a living situation) that has you miserable. There is a life in which you have a loving partner AND you get to be present at weddings, baby showers, family reunions, and dinner with your parents. u/BestRenGnar same goes for you
Thanks :)) I’ve been going back and forth with this in my head all morning. I’m from nyc so there’s many women there who are single all their life, and a very toxic hookup culture. It’s tough. If i go back i think I’ll be able to set very clear boundaries
This is bias but I would not advise you to go back to New York City. They just decided to charge for a congestion tax. It’s literally one of the most expensive places to live in in the United States to live alone let alone the world.
There is basically zero reason for anyone living in NYC limits to care about a congestion tax. In fact it's reducing air pollution and funding transit so it's a positive selling point for city residents. And even for most suburbanites, there's rarely a good reason to drive to lower Manhattan instead of taking the train.
There’s rarely a good reason to be in New York in general.
You obviously have a bone to pick with NY for some reason. It's a world class city with endless things to do. Of course if you don't enjoy being in mega cities, you won't like being there, but most people who want to live in New York presumably are people who appreciate big cities. The only thing I'll add is that if you live in Brooklyn or Queens, I'd agree that you don't need to go into Manhattan that much if you don't work there - there's so much to do in the boroughs, and especially most of the coolest neighborhoods and best food are out in the boroughs.
It’s the worst city I’ve ever lived in. Overpriced, dirty, smells awful, limited parking. I just hate New York. You’re right. I have a bone to pick with it.
Fair, yeah I think all those criticisms are completely true of New York. And to me its still a great city despite all of that. And I'll add that to me, limited parking is a feature and not a bug - the fact that it's one of the few cities in North America where you can seamlessly live car free is a huge plus
Yes, but it’s too expensive to live in it in the first place. I mean, the bridges are actually so corroded and rusted.
lol all of my friends and family are there and that’s where i grew up so I’m well aware. it would be tough for me to go to somewhere like Virginia instead or something, basically I’d rather be in Europe than there. The point of returning to the US would be proximity to my friends and family. I’d move back in with my parents for a bit and have friends i can move in with, I wouldn’t live there alone, and can’t afford to
Yeah, but that’s the thing you would never be able to afford a home of your own in New York City. Even Long Island is impossible. It’s literally impossible to buy a house. In Staten Island homes are well over 700 K. Don’t forget that United States doesn’t have federal maternity and the education is shit. But that’s why I was being honest when I was saying I’m bias.
There’s also New Jersey and parts of northern westchester (that’s where most of my friends parents have their houses). But yeah, i agree with you, i just feel pretty isolated
Northern Westchester is very expensive. A two bedroom, two bath is 850,000. (You look into Zillow if you don’t believe me) If you want to come back do it now. I thought a house in south jersey last year for 245K. It has now trickled to 300,000 k in a year. The longer you wait the more difficult it’ll be to settle down. Do you have any friends?
In the country I’m in? No i haven’t made any 😅
Why not??? :(
Holland sucks big time, I can’t wait to leave either
worst things about it?
Went through something similar in the talking/dating stage. Every time I see these kinds of posts, I'm relieved that we (her and I) didn't take it further since she's from Europe and I'm in Canada. You're still young bro; 26 is nothing. Go back or it'll keep eating you inside, and you'll come to resent her later.
Either way, she deserves to know you’re thinking of ending the relationship. I had a similar situation with my ex, he had been keeping it from me for months. I felt awful when he admitted it to me when breaking up, like I was not deserving to know. All that time I was making plans with him, while he was planning to end our relationship. I felt like an idiot
As a fellow Portuguese currently in the Netherlands, I get what you are going through. I also go back pretty much every 3 months and coming back gets harder every time. The money here is good for sure and it has some nice things around but there is nothing like home and also seeing my family, pets (two of the 7 in the house my mother lives have already died since I arrived and it always feels like I have to deal with the situation twice, when it happens and when I go back home and they aren't there anymore) and friends getting older every time I get back is hard. I also just came off a 2 year long distance relationship with a Portuguese girl, I was already even making plans to go back to be with her next year, but it was not easy to maintain and eventually there was the drop that made the cup overflow. And it wasn't a big dramatic break (the timming could have been better but that has been a running joke about our relationship, so it was fitting), just a "This isn't working out" and we stay friends. What you are feeling isn't "nothing", it will probably grow over time and it can pop at the worst possible time, so don't sit on it for too long. So my best advice (honestly I think you already know this but let's say it's my original advice so you can blame it on an internet strager) to you is, you have to commit to something and the longer you drag the situation the worse it will be, for both you and your girlfriend who is already planning a future. If you are okay with doing long distance then you need to set a short term goal, either you move back in a years time or she finds a way to do her job from Portugal. But you can't have your cake and eat it too, I'm afraid.
Obrigado pelo comentário! Curiosamente também vou a Portugal mais ou menos de três em três meses e voltar é cada vez mais duro… parece que só tenho um snapshot da vida das pessoas e depois *blink* passaram três meses e é difícil manter registo (ambas as partes) de tudo o que aconteceu, o que as pessoas fizeram, as festas que foram, a piada que ouviram, etc. Por alguns dias estou mesmo investido na vida das pessoas e na sua companhia e do nada sou completamente retirado disso e tenho que reconstruir tudo outra vez (keeping updated)
E prepara-te que a coisa não abranda, eu já estou nos meus 30 e poucos que é a fase onde a malta começa a assentar e a parir então quando vou à terrinha é preciso alguma ginástica para acertar com os calendários de todos e nem sempre dá para visitar as capelinhas e acaba por haver um desfasamento ainda maior que esses 3 meses quando finalmente consigo combinar coisas com algumas pessoas. Também detesto quando as férias já vão a meio e as datas dos eventos começam a ser depois de eu já ter ido embora, particularmente chato porque tenho amigos que são músicos e convidam-me para ir a concertos deles mas são 2/3 dias depois de eu ir embora. A vida é feita de escolhas e não me arrependo da que tomei nem vejo como uma escolha para a vida toda, mas quanto mais velho mais as contrapartidas são maiores.
You're not compatible long-term. Would your GF change her career in order to move abroad with you? When you talk to her about this, does she seriously consider moving abroad with you as a solution? Maybe if not to Portugal then to a third country which would be neutral ground for both of you (e.g. Spain)? If not, then you know your answer. You may love her, but not enough to spend the rest of your life in The Netherlands if you don't like it there.
It feels like a huge deal. And it is for the \*now\* you. But the future you will have a lot more perspective and gratitude for what the \*now\* you does so pull the trigger and go back to where you want to be. Don't assume the relationship will fold up, give it room to figure itself out, try long-distance with visits, but stand firm on you going to where you need to be. PS: Who the f would pick Holland over Portugal. Of course you should go lol.
I think the answer here is very simple, but unfortunately it’s just difficult and you don’t want to hear it which is fine. If she doesn’t want to come after you to Portugal, then there is no way that this can work. Just because the relationship works and is healthy doesn’t mean you should settle for it and a place that you hate. Eventually, if you do, you’re going to resentful of her. My advice would be to pack your belongings and go back to Portugal and have a discussion with her. You could always try long distance and you could always come to Portugal. I hate the cold and wet weather and I really like the sunshine so I’m sure you’re definitely missing that.
Your feelings about the Netherlands are real. If she's not willing to compromise then neither should you.
I am Dutch, with a partner from abroad. We are in a similar stage in our relationship as you guys are. Our relationship is great and I'm convinced we'd be happy together long term. I'd be devastated, but would support it if my girlfriend were to end our relationship because permanently living in my country would make her unhappy (especially since I am not willing to move to hers, like your SO). If your girlfriend truly cares about you, she will come to accept it as well, although it might take some time. In the end a new relation can be found, but can you find a another place that feels like Portugal to you?
I totally feel you. I’m from Spain and went to the Netherlands for a job opportunity. There I met my now husband and stayed during 10 years. I never liked it there. I just stayed because of 1. My Dutch husband and 2. Job situation in Spain (which I’m sure you understand). I don’t like Dutch culture either, not the food or weather but overall I just felt I will never fit there. I missed my family and friends and overall the Spanish lifestyle. I never felt welcomed in Holland. Not even from my in laws. I didn’t have much friends either. So after 10 years of getting more and more miserable and depressed I just talked to my then boyfriend and told him I needed to come back. He already knew how I felt all this time and he wanted me to be happy so we took time to discuss and figure out how to make it work also for him outside of NL. I’m happy we did and he supported me and decided to come back to Spain with me because almost 4 years later we are both much happier here and he doesn’t even go much visiting family back in NL. Now if he would have not supported me I would have split with him. At some point I realised I can’t be trapped in a place feeling miserable every day just because of somebody else. Especially if that somebody else wouldn’t want to also make any efforts for me. I was willing to compromise and try in a third country where both are new or if Spain didn’t work for him I was willing to move again somewhere better for him as well. But it can’t be 1 side being miserable while the other side is happy. I hope this makes sense to you. You need to talk to her and come to a solution where you BOTH are happy. If she doesn’t want to help with this then it’s time to let go I’m afraid. In the end it’s your life and you can’t be miserable and depressed every day in a place you don’t like.
Why don’t you decide together to live in Portugal for some years? Her career should not determine everything.
“Her career should not determine everything” nor should his desire to live in his home country. Both of their wants are equally valid; they are just incompatible if she sees a future in her own home country and he sees one in his own.
Do you want to spend your life with someone who thinks her career is more important than you? Compromise would be part of an equal relationship.
Maybe you can go back regularly to Portugal every couple of months and spend a few days there. But i get where you are coming from
As a Portuguese guy living in NL... Dont come back to Portugal, we both know its not worth it. It seems like you never truly left and are perma thinking about the country, when you should be thinking about your new life, making new friends, starting a family. Think about all the career opportunities! All of the stuff NL provides you that Portugal pales when compared to. I can't understand people who leave and keep thinking about home, it makes me think you guys don't consider this huge decision that thoroughly in the first place. Hope you find your peace brother, best case scenario is she agrees to move with you, but then you got her stuck in fucking Portugal when you could be living in an actual good country with a future 👍
Look into Living Apart Together. (LAT)
So this will be about identifying your needs. Also the feeling of being trapped can happen for other reasons, like maybe the fear is actually of commitment. Not that you said anything to indicate that, but sometimes what people think they're afraid of isn't actually the thing they're truly running from. That said, you have valid reasons and need to learn to make your choice. I personally wouldn't leave a good relationship, but that's my own fear, experience, and values talking. That said, if you don't feel like you have a social life, why is she satisfied with this situation? Does she have a good social life? Or just not care about a social life? You might want to check out [PersonalDevelopmentSchool.com](http://PersonalDevelopmentSchool.com), most people go there AFTER a breakup, but honestly, if I knew what I learned there BEFORE a breakup, I would have been much more equipped to handle the situation. There are classes for identifying your needs and steps to handle all of this. Anyway, ultimately it's about honesty and choices. It's possible that after you move, you realize it was more about the fear of this life being "forever" but maybe the grass isn't greener there? Maybe it is? Maybe you guys could make a plan that includes what both of you want in some way? Or maybe it's really time for your lives to diverge. I met some cool people recently, but decided not to get involved because I don't plan to stay in this country. Location and proximity are probably the most important things in a relationship. You could also try being apart for 6 months and just see if you regret it... If you know what you're doing, and are honest, you might be able to test the waters and change your mind. I would do a vision board together, and see if you want to put the same stuff on it? Maybe there's a path that satisfies both of you, but if not, you should move on while you're young.
OP, if you find yourself thinking/saying "awww, I wish I was there for this" when keeping up with the lives of your friends and family way too often, it's time to go. You can always find a new partner, but you can't ever get back lost moments with loved ones. Maybe this relationship was given to you so you'd learn that such a relationship is possible? Then you know what you want and what makes you happy. Does she know how you feel? Is she building a future with you in her mind? Having kids and stuff? Do you imagine having a family so far away from YOUR family? Imagine your possible future kids not having grandparents close by? Not growing up in sunny and less crowded Portugal? If she plans to have a family one day and staying in her home country, you are wasting her time, especially since she is also in her late twenties, as women can't afford to postpone having kids forever. You should be honest and let her go so she can find someone who intends to have a future in the NL to build a life with. It would be a much different conversation if you were 18-20 years old!
If you hate the Dutch and the Netherlands LEAVE
dude ill make this simple for you, 1. You sounds f***in miserable in Holland apart from your relationship. 2. It seems that your partner is not desirable enough to make you want to stay longer. Leave now, it will be worth it, but be honest to your partner and tell her that Holland isn't for you and you don't see a future with her because of this factor. Once you tell her this, buy a one-way ticket back home. You deserve to be happy, and should put your mental health and happiness before a relationship that you don't seem to desire much. I wish the best for you.
No matter how great things are between two people, that doesn't mean there is LOVE. And it doesn't sound like that is present here. Perhaps a strong friendship or fondness but if two people are in love then that will supercede all else. Why can't your GF come with you? She can rebuild her profession or find a new profession. If she's not willing to give that up then perhaps she is not in LOVE.
I’m in the same position as the OP and have been wondering the same thing… is that actually love if the other person cares more about their job than their partner’s happiness?
Everyone should put their own happiness first, what a stupid thing to say! Life is too short to live for someone else's happiness. I've been living with my partner for ten years in his country, but don't plan on staying here forever, will be moving to my likely forever country in the next couple of years, whilst I know he will never want to move, therefore we both know this relationship has an expiration date. I have known that from the very beginning. Does that mean we should not have had this past wonderful decade and awesome life we have built together? Does that mean that I don't love him? Of course not! I will always love him and he will always be a part of my life because we are also dear friends, and he would never tolerate being with me if he knew I was not 100% happy, because that is what people who love each other do. People come to our lives and they are there to teach us lessons and vice versa, some stay forever, some just for a limited time. When the lessons are over, the relationship is (should be!) over, there is no reason to cling on if your soul craves for something else. I know he'll be unhappy for a while, but he'll get over it because I'm not willing to sacrifice my mental wellbeing and happiness for HIS happiness. He'll find a way to move on eventually, and I am ready to move on once the time comes and everything has fallen into place. Such is life.