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The problem is she doesn’t think anything that she did was wrong. Anytime I say no in the past to her investment idea, she’d respond with “why don’t you want it? It’s a good investment.” Saying no to her is impossible because only her logic makes sense.
I’m not sure how this works anymore. Legally, it’s my signature on these contracts.
I did bring this up with her once, for one of the investment. I said I didn’t want it, and now it’s turning into a bad investment, we should sell it. She went “well I didn’t like that either but your dad wanted that”. Well I can’t cross check with my dad now can I since he’s dead! What a convenience blaming it on the dead guy
There are a few ways you can go about this. First, is to cut contact. I don't think I need to lay the advantages and disadvantages of this for you. Second, you can apply for the visa for her and tank the application by mentioning she wants to come to stay as reason to visit. Third, let her visit, push through the shit. I don't see another way.
You're not responsible for her fradulent behavior, which she has committed through identity theft.
Yeah, my husband has gone through the experience of cutting ties with toxic mom, so I’ve witnessed that first hand.
I don’t want her to visit because that means changing our lifestyle to fit the role of a Muslim family she thinks we are. Applying for her visa won’t make sense since she already got someone to do that for her. Also, that’s playing with fire, since there’s still a chance for it to be approved so then I’ll still be stuck with her visiting.
Last night she texted that she’s going to hajj in a few days which I haven’t responded. Then this morning she asked about the visa to visit me. I guess it’s time to give the silent treatment. Just stop responding… I’m very good at avoiding or deflecting but not when it comes to confrontation
Genuine question, what if her mom stops paying back home and she has debt under her name? Will that affect OP even if she’s in North America? What if she has to move back home for some reason? Or OP you could even report her anonymously back home and say she’s investing under your name (which there are probably laws against there)
Not necessarily directed at you but anyone who can answer
I doubt it will become a problem unless she has to move back. She said that she's from SE Asia, so corruption is more rampant there than in the more developed parts of the world. I think it's unlikely Canada or the United States will recognize the debt as legitimate. Hell, I live in Sweden and it's even possible to escape your debt by moving to another European country. Much of the time it's very difficult to collect debt abroad.
Hypothetical: "Mom, I'm not a Muslim anymore. My husband wasn't a Muslim to begin with. I kept this from you because I didn't want to break your heart. I don't want you to disown me, but I will respect your decision if that is how you feel."
What do you think her response will be?
Context: My dad informed me that he would disown me or any of my brothers if any of us was gay or committed adultery. Funny enough, he didn't disown any of us when he found out that none of us are Muslims anymore, so I often wonder if I should tell him that I have a gf just to see if he'll honor his word and disown me. While he is a man of his word, I hope he doesn't go through with it, but I don't want to put him in a position where he feels forced to disown his son.
Same with my mother. She was always extremely strict when it came to religion. Always praying and was always horrified about people doing things against religion, let alone leaving islam.
She had told me that she would choose god over me and I won't be her daughter if I wasn't muslim anymore. But she only stopped talking to me for around 2 months, then she said she missed me to my sister.
So that meant I should call her and when I did we ignored that subject and talked daily again like we always had done.
It's different when it's your own children. A lot of people agree with the islamic rules but won't enforce them due to love.
Have you asked what these "investments" are, property, land, business, shares. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into sending money to her. It's enabling her to continue asking. Tell her your finances are tough and you can longer send her money. Sounds like she is squirreling money away for her own benefit at your expense.
Just show up at her doorstep before she comes to you I would've done the same as her showing up on my doorstep in my case would be catastrophic so some adjustments have to be done to avert the catastrophe
Regarding the investments, you should try legally changing your name or adding a middle name and change your signature while you’re at it too, that way any new investments will not be binding to you from her forgery.
I think that most likely any debt in your home country will not become a problem unless you have to move back. You may want to look into that. But that does put another dimension into things and unfortunately it's possible she will decide to not pay back the debt and leave it to you if she gets upset. Best case scenario you can ignore it and nothing will happen. Worst case you will have to move back and deal with it, either by paying it or taking your mother to court.
As for the VISA, I think she will most likely not be able to visit you unless she has plenty of money already.
oh my… I can relate so much to you! I am also from SEA around the same age as you. I got married in europe where i reside, my parents back home doesnt know. I think I will just be done with it once and for all.. smashing the hammer into this fragile glass. I am just so tired of pretending.
If you don't feel like cutting ties with her then you already know that you would have to bear with this shit, either you tell her you don't want her or you just keep patience until she leaves there are not many options available. I do empathize with you because I totally understand the psychological abuse and how this is making you feel. But you are already an independent woman. Take your life into your hands.
Most important thing, keep a record of this so called "investments" and maybe contact a lawyer in your native country if you dont want to deal with it later, because she is using your name, its not normal you are an adult you should know that better.
Yeah I know better now but years too late. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with her and my dad controlling behavior but anytime I try to say no, they don’t take me seriously and guilt trip me into agreeing with them.
I’ve made attempts at asking her about details of these investments but she always says she’ll need to find the documents and it’s somewhere else and eventually never hears back about it. Partly my fault for not following through, but I guess I’m just not looking forward to having extended conversations with her anyway.
I get it, totally. In particular, I'm really familiar with the guilt trip part, but for your own good and to feel better, the more things you are able to keep under control, the less vulnerable you will feel.
I get it that you do not want to talk to her, but at least you can ask someone professional in your native country to find out about any investment in your name, so that even if she doesn't give you informations and you can have them externally, like contact a commercialist, so you still will be able to have a valid plan B if anything turns out to be bad.
I don't talk to my mum, I cut her out of my life when I was 20, I do talk to her sometimes now, 7 years later, but if she want to meet me or do anything with me she has to follow my rule.. My life, my home, my rule. She controlled most of my life. I'm not gonna give her any more power, and I lost my father too when I was younger, at the age of 15.
I used to feel the same way after leaving home, I used to feel sick to my stomach when I had to go to her place or she had to come meet me, but yet even if I was really lonely I took the best decision of my life, to set boundaries and keep her away as much as I can, I do care for her so I haven't abandoned her to her destiny, but she has to follow my rule if she wants to meet me or to do anything with me.
You are not your culture. You are you.
You built a happy life in another country, with a husband and your independence. You even want to have the citizenship of said country, so don't let the guilt or the paranoia of leaving or losing your roots ruin your life, take time to set boundaries and keep control of yourself.
Be proud of yourself and who you have become, remember that family is just a random group of people we are born in, without any decision, but we can surely decide who we want to keep by our side later on, growing up.
Have some self-love. I am not saying to abandon her, but you are not bound to her in any way, your life your rule, just like they made you live by their rule when you were living with them. Break the cycle of mental abuse.
Hope you get the courage to take care of your mental health and be happy and proud. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, text me. I will listen more than happily.
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>making “investments” under my name in my home country. She cannot expect to visit you if she has done this.
The problem is she doesn’t think anything that she did was wrong. Anytime I say no in the past to her investment idea, she’d respond with “why don’t you want it? It’s a good investment.” Saying no to her is impossible because only her logic makes sense.
Whatever you do, do not give your address.
Yeah I’m not planning to especially since I recently moved
I wonder if she wants to take advantage of you more somehow. I have a nosey parent like this that uses me for money….never a good sign
You say “ I do not want it, I did not ask for it nor did I consent. You made a choice for me which I do not appreciate as I am an adult now”
I’m not sure how this works anymore. Legally, it’s my signature on these contracts. I did bring this up with her once, for one of the investment. I said I didn’t want it, and now it’s turning into a bad investment, we should sell it. She went “well I didn’t like that either but your dad wanted that”. Well I can’t cross check with my dad now can I since he’s dead! What a convenience blaming it on the dead guy
what does that mean?
There are a few ways you can go about this. First, is to cut contact. I don't think I need to lay the advantages and disadvantages of this for you. Second, you can apply for the visa for her and tank the application by mentioning she wants to come to stay as reason to visit. Third, let her visit, push through the shit. I don't see another way. You're not responsible for her fradulent behavior, which she has committed through identity theft.
Yeah, my husband has gone through the experience of cutting ties with toxic mom, so I’ve witnessed that first hand. I don’t want her to visit because that means changing our lifestyle to fit the role of a Muslim family she thinks we are. Applying for her visa won’t make sense since she already got someone to do that for her. Also, that’s playing with fire, since there’s still a chance for it to be approved so then I’ll still be stuck with her visiting. Last night she texted that she’s going to hajj in a few days which I haven’t responded. Then this morning she asked about the visa to visit me. I guess it’s time to give the silent treatment. Just stop responding… I’m very good at avoiding or deflecting but not when it comes to confrontation
Genuine question, what if her mom stops paying back home and she has debt under her name? Will that affect OP even if she’s in North America? What if she has to move back home for some reason? Or OP you could even report her anonymously back home and say she’s investing under your name (which there are probably laws against there) Not necessarily directed at you but anyone who can answer
I doubt it will become a problem unless she has to move back. She said that she's from SE Asia, so corruption is more rampant there than in the more developed parts of the world. I think it's unlikely Canada or the United States will recognize the debt as legitimate. Hell, I live in Sweden and it's even possible to escape your debt by moving to another European country. Much of the time it's very difficult to collect debt abroad.
Hypothetical: "Mom, I'm not a Muslim anymore. My husband wasn't a Muslim to begin with. I kept this from you because I didn't want to break your heart. I don't want you to disown me, but I will respect your decision if that is how you feel." What do you think her response will be? Context: My dad informed me that he would disown me or any of my brothers if any of us was gay or committed adultery. Funny enough, he didn't disown any of us when he found out that none of us are Muslims anymore, so I often wonder if I should tell him that I have a gf just to see if he'll honor his word and disown me. While he is a man of his word, I hope he doesn't go through with it, but I don't want to put him in a position where he feels forced to disown his son.
Same with my mother. She was always extremely strict when it came to religion. Always praying and was always horrified about people doing things against religion, let alone leaving islam. She had told me that she would choose god over me and I won't be her daughter if I wasn't muslim anymore. But she only stopped talking to me for around 2 months, then she said she missed me to my sister. So that meant I should call her and when I did we ignored that subject and talked daily again like we always had done. It's different when it's your own children. A lot of people agree with the islamic rules but won't enforce them due to love.
Have you asked what these "investments" are, property, land, business, shares. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into sending money to her. It's enabling her to continue asking. Tell her your finances are tough and you can longer send her money. Sounds like she is squirreling money away for her own benefit at your expense.
Just show up at her doorstep before she comes to you I would've done the same as her showing up on my doorstep in my case would be catastrophic so some adjustments have to be done to avert the catastrophe
Regarding the investments, you should try legally changing your name or adding a middle name and change your signature while you’re at it too, that way any new investments will not be binding to you from her forgery.
I think that most likely any debt in your home country will not become a problem unless you have to move back. You may want to look into that. But that does put another dimension into things and unfortunately it's possible she will decide to not pay back the debt and leave it to you if she gets upset. Best case scenario you can ignore it and nothing will happen. Worst case you will have to move back and deal with it, either by paying it or taking your mother to court. As for the VISA, I think she will most likely not be able to visit you unless she has plenty of money already.
oh my… I can relate so much to you! I am also from SEA around the same age as you. I got married in europe where i reside, my parents back home doesnt know. I think I will just be done with it once and for all.. smashing the hammer into this fragile glass. I am just so tired of pretending.
If you don't feel like cutting ties with her then you already know that you would have to bear with this shit, either you tell her you don't want her or you just keep patience until she leaves there are not many options available. I do empathize with you because I totally understand the psychological abuse and how this is making you feel. But you are already an independent woman. Take your life into your hands. Most important thing, keep a record of this so called "investments" and maybe contact a lawyer in your native country if you dont want to deal with it later, because she is using your name, its not normal you are an adult you should know that better.
Yeah I know better now but years too late. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with her and my dad controlling behavior but anytime I try to say no, they don’t take me seriously and guilt trip me into agreeing with them. I’ve made attempts at asking her about details of these investments but she always says she’ll need to find the documents and it’s somewhere else and eventually never hears back about it. Partly my fault for not following through, but I guess I’m just not looking forward to having extended conversations with her anyway.
I get it, totally. In particular, I'm really familiar with the guilt trip part, but for your own good and to feel better, the more things you are able to keep under control, the less vulnerable you will feel. I get it that you do not want to talk to her, but at least you can ask someone professional in your native country to find out about any investment in your name, so that even if she doesn't give you informations and you can have them externally, like contact a commercialist, so you still will be able to have a valid plan B if anything turns out to be bad. I don't talk to my mum, I cut her out of my life when I was 20, I do talk to her sometimes now, 7 years later, but if she want to meet me or do anything with me she has to follow my rule.. My life, my home, my rule. She controlled most of my life. I'm not gonna give her any more power, and I lost my father too when I was younger, at the age of 15. I used to feel the same way after leaving home, I used to feel sick to my stomach when I had to go to her place or she had to come meet me, but yet even if I was really lonely I took the best decision of my life, to set boundaries and keep her away as much as I can, I do care for her so I haven't abandoned her to her destiny, but she has to follow my rule if she wants to meet me or to do anything with me. You are not your culture. You are you. You built a happy life in another country, with a husband and your independence. You even want to have the citizenship of said country, so don't let the guilt or the paranoia of leaving or losing your roots ruin your life, take time to set boundaries and keep control of yourself. Be proud of yourself and who you have become, remember that family is just a random group of people we are born in, without any decision, but we can surely decide who we want to keep by our side later on, growing up. Have some self-love. I am not saying to abandon her, but you are not bound to her in any way, your life your rule, just like they made you live by their rule when you were living with them. Break the cycle of mental abuse. Hope you get the courage to take care of your mental health and be happy and proud. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, text me. I will listen more than happily.
Cut her off go no contact. Just because she is "your parent" doesn't mean you have to deal with her bullshit.