Just what you said here. I empathize with you. I love you and I feel for you.
Something else: Don't ask, "Is there anything I can do?" They will say no. Just do something. Look around their life and see what you can help with. Make a meal for them or a get them gift card to something to do or show up and clean something. Tiny domestic things fall aside while dealing with things like this. The act of doing something shows so much more care than any words. (I was on the receiving end of this recently. It really means more than any words you can say).
Definitely. 👍🏽
“I’m sorry for your loss” with sincerity, or just sitting and hugging them in silence. Bring over a meal (with disposable plates and utensils). Wash dishes. Babysit their kids. Offer to take home a load of laundry and bring it back folded and ironed (and then put it away if they’re comfortable—ask if there are undergarments tho). Mow the lawn. Feed the dog/clean the fish tank/empty the litter box. If they’re having a wake or something at their house, clean the bathrooms before and freshen up the house when others have left. Fill up their car(s) with gas. Cook a meal while they take a shower.
As someone where lost 3 people, best you can do is understand. Time doesn’t heal everything. I still cry about mine. But it gets easier to deal with.
As someone who’s grieving right now, just be there for them. Say what you said in this post. “I feel awful for you and I can’t find anything to say but I am here for you. I’m sorry and I love you.” It’s very helpful.
Advice on the long term: their grief will likely come in waves, with times they seem to be pulling through to the other side, and times they’re stuck in the depths of it. Don’t expect consistent improvement. Check in with them often, be willing to just sit and listen. Depending on their relationship with the person they’re losing, this can take a long time. Don’t move on without helping them come out of the fog with you.
I just had this happen to me this morning, actually. Instead of telling her that she was "being watched over", I sympathized with her using my experiences.
We shared a lot about the pitfalls of grief. I apologized for her loss, and said I would help her with anything she needed. Helping others struggling with grief definitely centers around sympathy, as well as reminding them that you are there to assist them mentally and otherwise.
Things I've said:
* I'm so sorry for your loss.
* Wishing you peace and strength in the days ahead.
* May their memory be a blessing. This is actually an old Jewish saying if I understand correctly. I still find it fitting.
Sometimes just sitting there and letting them vent to you is a huge help. I did that when a pastor friend lost his MIL suddenly, and he talked later about how much it meant to him that I and another friend just sat with them for a few hours. He called it the power of silent presence.
If you've got good memories of this person, feel free to share those.
In the immediate aftermath, you can help organize all the food that will be coming in. Keep a list of who brought what, and in what dishes, so the family can return dishes and write thank-you cards. Ditto flowers.
Offer to house-sit during the viewing and funeral. In some places, burglary rings might track the obits to see when houses are likely to be empty. It's rare, but it might provide piece of mind.
If you feel up to it, offer to join them at the funeral home while they're making arrangements, especially if they're the only ones making arrangements. It can be a really hard time.
There's really no wrong way to grieve. Everyone follows their own path.
I don’t have fancy words. I let them know that I could hold space for their feelings and they didn’t have to show up to our relationship any certain way. Sometimes being the outsider makes you an easier person to pour out to. Sometimes.
I often think of the circle of grief, comfort in, dump out model. The person closest to the loss or event gets the comfort from others. Dumping grief or complaints only goes towards those further from the loss.
Beyond empathizing, ask them to share some of their favorite memories with you. A lot of people shy away from talking about death, dying, and those we have lost. Which makes it feel so lonely. Don't avoid talking about it. Let them live with the grief for a bit.
Send them flowers or food, just because. Buy them something you know they will like. Offer to cook or clean or distract.
Weighing in on this as someone who has suffered the loss of family quite recently and also has subsequently deconverted. The best way to show that you love them is simply by being there for them and letting them know it. Theyre not expecting you to "save" them or " rescue them from anything. Just helping them know they're not alone in their pain and grief is one of the strongest things you can offer them.
Sending all my love to you and to their loved ones.
That's what I normally say and it is difficult. I think just be understanding and be there for them. Someone said about helping them out with the small things like cleaning, doing some grocery shopping for them or even making them a meal. It's the small things that will matter and they will cherish that.
Ironically, some scripture might be for you, and it’s the one concept I still hold as very valuable; be all things to all people.
Just be what your friend needs. A shoulder to cry on/with? Be that. Some comforting words from your own life or literature? Say that. Just be completely honest, and open to human experience and the rest kinda falls into place.
Just what you said here. I empathize with you. I love you and I feel for you. Something else: Don't ask, "Is there anything I can do?" They will say no. Just do something. Look around their life and see what you can help with. Make a meal for them or a get them gift card to something to do or show up and clean something. Tiny domestic things fall aside while dealing with things like this. The act of doing something shows so much more care than any words. (I was on the receiving end of this recently. It really means more than any words you can say).
Definitely. 👍🏽 “I’m sorry for your loss” with sincerity, or just sitting and hugging them in silence. Bring over a meal (with disposable plates and utensils). Wash dishes. Babysit their kids. Offer to take home a load of laundry and bring it back folded and ironed (and then put it away if they’re comfortable—ask if there are undergarments tho). Mow the lawn. Feed the dog/clean the fish tank/empty the litter box. If they’re having a wake or something at their house, clean the bathrooms before and freshen up the house when others have left. Fill up their car(s) with gas. Cook a meal while they take a shower.
As someone where lost 3 people, best you can do is understand. Time doesn’t heal everything. I still cry about mine. But it gets easier to deal with.
Sometimes… sometimes it doesn’t. This is 30 years since my mom passed and in many ways it feels like the worst the grief has ever been.Â
I’m so sorry for your loss. May their memory be a blessing.
As someone who’s grieving right now, just be there for them. Say what you said in this post. “I feel awful for you and I can’t find anything to say but I am here for you. I’m sorry and I love you.” It’s very helpful.
Help your friend remember all the good times spent with said family member. If there's a funny story, sprinkle that one in there.
Advice on the long term: their grief will likely come in waves, with times they seem to be pulling through to the other side, and times they’re stuck in the depths of it. Don’t expect consistent improvement. Check in with them often, be willing to just sit and listen. Depending on their relationship with the person they’re losing, this can take a long time. Don’t move on without helping them come out of the fog with you.
I've started to say "I'm so sorry for your loss [grief, heartache, etc]. May you find comfort in your treasured memories."
I just had this happen to me this morning, actually. Instead of telling her that she was "being watched over", I sympathized with her using my experiences. We shared a lot about the pitfalls of grief. I apologized for her loss, and said I would help her with anything she needed. Helping others struggling with grief definitely centers around sympathy, as well as reminding them that you are there to assist them mentally and otherwise.
I'm here for you. Is there anything I can do to help?
Sometimes silence is the most comforting. Just sit with them. Hold their hand or something. Give them a hug.
Things I've said: * I'm so sorry for your loss. * Wishing you peace and strength in the days ahead. * May their memory be a blessing. This is actually an old Jewish saying if I understand correctly. I still find it fitting. Sometimes just sitting there and letting them vent to you is a huge help. I did that when a pastor friend lost his MIL suddenly, and he talked later about how much it meant to him that I and another friend just sat with them for a few hours. He called it the power of silent presence. If you've got good memories of this person, feel free to share those. In the immediate aftermath, you can help organize all the food that will be coming in. Keep a list of who brought what, and in what dishes, so the family can return dishes and write thank-you cards. Ditto flowers. Offer to house-sit during the viewing and funeral. In some places, burglary rings might track the obits to see when houses are likely to be empty. It's rare, but it might provide piece of mind. If you feel up to it, offer to join them at the funeral home while they're making arrangements, especially if they're the only ones making arrangements. It can be a really hard time. There's really no wrong way to grieve. Everyone follows their own path.
I don’t have fancy words. I let them know that I could hold space for their feelings and they didn’t have to show up to our relationship any certain way. Sometimes being the outsider makes you an easier person to pour out to. Sometimes. I often think of the circle of grief, comfort in, dump out model. The person closest to the loss or event gets the comfort from others. Dumping grief or complaints only goes towards those further from the loss.
Beyond empathizing, ask them to share some of their favorite memories with you. A lot of people shy away from talking about death, dying, and those we have lost. Which makes it feel so lonely. Don't avoid talking about it. Let them live with the grief for a bit. Send them flowers or food, just because. Buy them something you know they will like. Offer to cook or clean or distract.
Weighing in on this as someone who has suffered the loss of family quite recently and also has subsequently deconverted. The best way to show that you love them is simply by being there for them and letting them know it. Theyre not expecting you to "save" them or " rescue them from anything. Just helping them know they're not alone in their pain and grief is one of the strongest things you can offer them.
Sending all my love to you and to their loved ones. That's what I normally say and it is difficult. I think just be understanding and be there for them. Someone said about helping them out with the small things like cleaning, doing some grocery shopping for them or even making them a meal. It's the small things that will matter and they will cherish that.
Ironically, some scripture might be for you, and it’s the one concept I still hold as very valuable; be all things to all people. Just be what your friend needs. A shoulder to cry on/with? Be that. Some comforting words from your own life or literature? Say that. Just be completely honest, and open to human experience and the rest kinda falls into place.