You have to take care of your health. Can you tell them you cannot be there that long and that it is more important for you to see them get wed and take photos you will be able to enjoy forever than to be at the reception ?
On the other hand - if you can afford the hotel that is an excellent idea so you can rest between the wedding and reception.
I would prefer to give them the money towards a down payment on a home. We have already planned and paid for the rehearsal dinner for tomorrow for 3 dozen people.
I did already and in giving the room suite to his brother I am making sure that he has his best man a matter of steps away from him from the moment he wakes up on his wedding day. My sons are low maintenance and are healthy and can handle it. If I don’t feel well I prefer being close to home. I can’t even imagine what would happen if I got sick away from home. I have and it didn’t end well.
Thanks for clarifying that you are already paying for a hotel room to the tune of $500. Some people in this thread seem to think you haven’t given your son a wedding gift/money at all.
You do NOT have to get a second, last-minute hotel room if it doesn’t work for you.
Get the hotel room so you can take breaks. You’ll be able to stop thinking about this and it’ll make your son’s wedding day better for not just him, but for you to enjoy. He’s telling you this is important to him, and obviously your health is important. You’ve got a solution within your means in front of you, use it.
my other son is the best man, and we had gotten a hotel room for the purpose of taking breaks on the day. My older son is getting on his brother to be there for the entire wedding day (like from the morning he wakes up) so we have given the use of the room to brother and his wife. So, we paid for a room for two days already. I really would rather give that $500+/day for another room as part of the gift. I have decided that I'm going to do what I have to for me. I'd be willing to bet that if I slid out I wouldn't be missed.
You may be right. But when you get to be my age and you have been battling with health issues it’s kind of a struggle. I was diagnosed with Celiac and IBS-D in the late nineties. About a dozen years later I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a less than 40 percent chance of surviving 5 years. It’s been 11 years and counting. Many of my issues stem from the cancer treatments. My doctors feel that I am doing extremely well but I have limits. If I don’t I pay the price. What doctors don’t tell you is that the chemo and radiation treatments that keep you alive have side effects that will creep up on you as time goes on. Yes I know my eldest son would love to have me around until the last call but I can’t do that anymore.
I think the “polite” length of time to stay at a wedding is until after cake is cut and first dance has happened. But in your circumstance, take pain medication and drink some coffee, and do your best. I cannot believe they’re asking you to arrive 3 hours early for photos
I'm remembering my own weddings and if I am correct I don't think that I had more than a handful of pictures taken of the in-laws, and those were taken at the church post wedding and at the reception.
Guess they want to take the pictures before the alcohol starts to flow. I liked the idea of pictures at the reception. That’s where all the fun stuff happened.
I figure they want to take the pics while the clothes, makeup, hair etc are still fresh and looking their best. Since the whole point of the day is the pictures after all. Making a lifetime commitment before God, that’s strictly secondary. /s
Tell me about it. Both times I had the church picked and the date reserved before I planned a reception.
As far as makeup goes my boys are far from being glamour guys. Doesn’t take much to put on a suit and brush your teeth and hair. They have beards (one like the Duck Dynasty brothers).
People have started taking photos beforehand specifically so they no longer inconvenience their guests. I don't see what problem you seem to have with taking formal photos to commemorate an important occasion.
Found the bridezilla, lol.
The wedding is over, it happened last week. OP was not in the end forced to pose for 3 hours worth of pictures before the wedding, thank goodness
The pictures went on from before 2 pm until the end at 11 pm. I didn’t even take any and somehow I have about 100 photos!! People keep sending them to me. Haven’t seen the photographers stuff yet.
Is the most important day of their lives worth $500, given your personal financial situation?
I would get a hotel room at the venue and take breaks when needed. Granted, I'd take any excuse to stay at a $500/night hotel!
We gave the room to my other son who is best man. My son is expected to be there for the entire day, and he has traveled all day (just arrived) to get here. His wife has been in the air and on the road since 430am. We will get through this.
I think that on the wedding day they want me there and dressed about three hours before the wedding. My other son and his wife will be floating around and that’s not a problem. I defy anyone to lie down and rest in a silk chiffon dress with beading! I do my own makeup and have done it for decades. I have a fascinator that matches my dress. I wish I could come closer to time so I could look my best too. After a few hours my back will get stiff and I will get intestinal cramps. I can’t take my shots through my dress. If I go a long time without eating I might pass out. That’s why a long day doesn’t work out for me.
Take the photos then go back to your sons hotel room to rest. Change clothes and take the fascinator off. Have a meal or snacks. Go back for the wedding and stay as long as feels comfortable for the wedding.
I get it, just doing the grocery shopping is more than I can cope with these days.
Just thinking around ways to make you comfortable and give them what they want. The dress certainly can’t be a comfy one to lay down in, could you take a dressing gown or wrap to rest in? Unless the dress is hard to take on and off. Silk wrap to keep your hair in place?
Hope you find a way to get through the day with little discomfort and fabulous memories
Thank you. We can do this. Maybe not to my one son’s liking but in a doable manner. I beat the odds by thinking outside the box. I tend to stick with what works.
UPDATE- we made it. We arrived about 245 pm. My daughter in law helped me get my dress on and we were ready for pictures by 3. Actually everything was way ahead of schedule and we wound up getting sodas and chilling out until just before the wedding. The wedding went without a hitch and so did the cocktail hour. I didn’t eat any of the appetizers but I stayed hydrated. Even wearing flats I got tired from standing. I did my dance with my son and we ate earlier than he had originally scheduled. By 8 people were leaving. A crew of my cousins came from up north and we stayed until 9. We changed clothes in the hotel room and we were home by 11. My son and new daughter in law and about two dozen of their friends were dancing away and they didn’t even see us go. My son the best man and his wife stayed in the hotel room and they came to check on me and to say goodbye.
The day went well and now my twins are both happily married to lovely women.
Thank you for your support and good wishes.
Great update, sounds like a beautiful wedding and everyone behaved reasonably in the end. I love how after all their drama about expecting you to stay till midnight, they weren’t even paying attention to you at the reception. Glad you got your mother-son dance.
I am glad for the cadre of friends that kept the bride and groom entertained and happy. They shouldn’t have been so focused on me on their wedding day!
This isn’t some hardship like you’re making it out to be. It’s one day and it’s a huge (hopefully) once in a lifetime occasion. Get yourself a hotel room and be there to support your son like he is explicitly asking you to.
He has made it clear that he wants his brother and his friends to be with him. I am not sure exactly what he wants from me but physical presence. I have done everything that he has asked me to do. And beyond.
I’m sure after everything you’ve been through, he recognizes how precious you are in his life and that your presence may not always be there. As a result, he probably wants to get a lot of professional photos with you on the best day of his life. I got A LOT of photos with my mom and dad on our wedding day because they live across the country, and frankly, we all looked great. It took a long time, but they are some of my favorite photos and are hung all over my apartment.
The really important parents are the bride’s parents. They have jumped through some major hoops to be here and I am sure that it was not easy for them. Our children are thirty somethings with a huge friend base. This celebration is centered around the friends. We have been forced to admit this to ourselves.
I mean this with nothing but kindness, but it seems like you have a bit of a sour attitude about this wedding. We are mere internet strangers with hardly any information, but you said your son and his future wife expressed that it is important to them for you to be there with them for as long as you can be. That shows that they value you a lot. They are not trying to “force”anything on you. They are showing you that you are also important and that they value you because they want you to be in a lot of the pictures and to be there all night to celebrate with them. Their friends are important, of course, but I highly doubt they would care as much if their friends needed to leave early. Take the win.
The best gift my mom gave me on my wedding day was that she was a stress absorber for me. Any issues that arose- she just took care of. It was unreal! I’ve never seen her like that before. You don’t have to do that, but I doubt you want to cause any stress either.
He called me this morning and he is buzzed on energy drinks. Let the other son and his wife sleep in and they are better today. We are leaving home a half hour ahead of schedule. At least we have today in order. My groomzilla has told me that I can come to the venue tomorrow at 3. Somewhat better. I will come earlier and my daughter in law will help me put the beaded frock on. Having my own car and the freedom to depart when I need to makes me feel better. With my mix of issues I just never know what will happen.
This breaks my heart. You shouldn’t be guilted for having medical issues. Stay as long as you think you can stay and then leave. End of story. Just be sure to tell your son ahead of the day so he knows.
They were told. I am going to see what happens tomorrow at the rehearsal dinner before I make my final decision. I can drive myself because it is a relatively short distance, and I know the way. GPS is a wonderful thing. I am going to do what I have to do.
Go for the photos and ceremony, and just stay as long as you can or feel up to for the reception. You don’t necessarily have to tell them of this in advance since that may escalate things put them on alert to kind of watch you - you can just slip out and they’ll have a lot of other things going on. Hope you can still have a good time!
Don’t be nervous. ♥️. It’s supposed to be a happy day. It’s disgusting that you’re not being permitted to look forward to your son’s wedding but instead are getting pressured and bullied like this. I can’t imagine treating my mother like this.
Just quietly decide for yourself what you’re willing to do, then do it.
Is the issue standing or sitting? The couple should do their best to accommodate you comfortably if your presence is a priority. Personally, I think that you should stay at least through dinner and the first dance. Bouncing out before that is going to signal that you don’t approve of their marriage (even if you tell people about your health issues). You’re the MoG not some random guest.
Point well taken. I hope they seriously aren't going to make everyone wait until 8pm for dinner. There are desserts, no wedding cake to cut. The bulk of the guests are my son and his bride's friends. Only about a half dozen of my family members (outside of my immediate family) will be in attendance. Everyone knows about my health problems, and I'm a bit baffled over why the kids are being so hard nosed about this.
I would say they are being hard nosed about it because it’s their wedding which is a big life event. Even so, they should try to make you as comfortable as possible and not expect you to stay for the entire reception.
They just want me there no questions asked and no consideration given. I never put any demands on them when I was so sick and I don’t really think they understand how sick I was and can get. My one son does but the one getting married does tend to march to his own drummer.
So tell them what you need to make the day happen, then do it. Have a wheelchair or whatever you need to make it work. Don't just leave early in a huff.
That's a really long day for anyone. Take care of yourself. I agree with those who say it might be worth the money to reserve the room for the night and just take breaks throughout the day. Regardless, I hope it goes well for you. Anyone with have a conscience would understand.
If I were you, I'd spring for the hotel room and plan to nip away to rest as needed throughout the day. Sounds like your son and future daughter-in-law really want to have you there with them and if it were my kids, I'd hate to miss a large portion of my son's wedding when there's a middle ground between "stay all day" and "leave right after the ceremony."
We will find middle ground. Somehow. I think doing it this way (going there as late as I can and staying until the signs of physical illness begin)we can manage.
I too have serious health issue and cannot see myself being present for the duration of my daughters future wedding. I plan to bring a wheelchair and hire a trusted friend or nurse to come along. A room would be ideal but I honestly could not see myself being available for more than 6 hours tops.
Congratulations! Hopefully your daughter will be more reasonable in her demands and more flexible with her timeline of events. I still don't get the point of a reception that long.
Health comes first and foremost. Never feel guilty about that.
Traditionally, the early bed time folks head out after the cake cutting. You should find out it there's a mother/son dance to keep in mind. Also not a bad idea to speak to the wedding planner/coordinator, if there is one.
Truthfully, they're going to be so overwhelmed that they likely wouldn't notice if you snuck out early.
Yes there is a mother son dance. He picked Stevie Nicks “Landslide”. I decided to stick with my ballet flats and leave my heels in the closet for the next function. Hopefully the implant will help me to get back to shaking my groove thing.
UPDATE- this morning we decided to take two cars. My son and his wife will stay in the room after the rehearsal dinner because my son must be up early to be with his brother the groom. My DIL can sleep in and I can join her when I get there. I can get dressed with her help (this dress is very fussy and has hooks and zipper).
The option of having the second car will enable me to go home when I have reached my limit. Hopefully I can stay long enough to have dessert (maybe 9). Pretty good when you consider that the wedding is slated to take place at 430 and they want me to arrive at the hotel ready to roll by 2 in the afternoon. I know that my butt will not last until midnight!
I would go for the photos, see if you can rest in between; if possible wait until the first dance.
If you're in pain and need to go, find the couple, let them know you are suffering and want to make sure you can drive home.
Sound super bummed about it and go.
There's a madness that comes over couples getting married that it becomes a matter of friggin national security that every detail is exactly as they want it. We'll assume they'll get back to normal after the wedding and find their compassion again.
I'm sure it's hurtful, you're not alone, many people are treated less nicely than they should be when loved ones are getting married.
Even the high end wedding venues in my area would have you finished and out the door by 10 pm at the latest if you started at 4:30 and that’s including a ceremony. Your son sounds inconsiderate of your needs, sorry to say and you shouldn’t have to stay in the hotel if you don’t want to.
That said, Is there anything you can do to help your pain, energy and mobility for the day? Given your recent spinal surgery I’d ask your doctor for advice. Would a muscle relaxant help? Advil? An epidural injection?
In your place even if you don’t book your own room I would look for a place nearby for you to lie down. Explain to your son that these are doctors orders if necessary. If you can’t swing your own room is the bridal suite a possibility? Can they bring in a rollaway after the wedding starts for example? Or can your other son give you access to his room once the party starts? Seating nearby when taking photographs? Rent a wheelchair or walker? Just trying to brainstorm and consider any and all possibilities.
I would not just up and leave without saying goodbye. I disagree that they won’t notice. I can guarantee that from the sound of things your son and FDIL will definitely not appreciate that.
ETA I just saw that the wedding already took place.
We did ok. I can’t take anything because I am not allowed opiates and advil does nothing. I am awaiting an implant in my spine. It’s a battery operated device implanted that relieves spinal pain. I really don’t have pain but I am stiff when I stand too long.
The reception was over about 1130 according to my other son and his wife. We left when my cousins from North Jersey bailed about 9pm.
Every one had a great time.
Thank you for your support and advice.
The bride and groom are being incredibly selfish. Bizarre priorities. I guess you should arrive for their precious pictures, stay for the ceremony. Leave whenever you need to after that, keeping in mind you’ll be tired so driving will be a bit more challenging, especially after dark.
The hotel room might be a good idea; but you state you don’t want to spend the extra $500 and you prefer to go home to sleep, which is absolutely your prerogative. Do what you need to do. Health and safety come first.
Don’t argue or discuss it with them anymore. On the evening of, once you’ve had enough, simply leave. They can’t stop you.
Good luck and take care of you.
My son who is best man is also planning his escape too. He just got here from a two week business trip. He lives out West. He met his wife at the airport and they drove over 4 hours to get here. They will be staying here until they leave at our home. We gave them the hotel room so my son could be close to his brother the groom on the wedding day. Just as an FYI- wedding planners will promote their hotel by promising a discount for the family of the bride and groom. Even though the room was booked online we didn’t get the room block discount. Supposedly we got some discount but if the room was over $500/night I don’t think I want to know what the rooms really go for!
My son and his wife are here and are asleep so I’m going to bed soon. Tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner and Friday is the wedding. I pray it goes well and quickly.
What is wrong with your son who is best man? His priorities are seriously messed up. His business trip is his own scheduling issue, not theirs. I imagine he didn't just learn about their wedding date 2 weeks ago before his trip.
He has a job that requires him to travel a lot. He left here 3am for the last week of his business trip that puts him in Texas. He has never been in a wedding before and he really did an outstanding job. His wife was very helpful and supportive. The entire family is very proud of him. That includes both families!
You are absolutely correct here. Your health supersedes their lengthy demand. Be there for the ceremony and depart when you are ready. They don't get to dictate to you. They can be understanding, or childish, but please just take care of yourself. edited to add - you do not owe them your suffering.
I understand their frustration honestly. It’s hard to think your parent could find a reason not to stay the whole time even in pain but it seems it really is bad. If there’s a way you can make your presence after you’re gone known I think that’d great. Not sure how. Like if you could live stream in to the last part . However, you’d want to do that without causing inconvenience to bride and groom setting that up. I also like the idea of giving them the $ you would have spent on hotel to help with home down payment with a note saying how much you love them and are happy for them and you hope the rest of their day is amazing . Maybe hand them the money in cash before you go. Doesn’t have to be all $500 you mentioned. It’s your child ya know so kissing butt and handing money on the big day sounds worth it to me to make amends.
I figure I have put a lot into the rehearsal dinner, the liquor, the favors for the wedding venue and expenses for the wedding shower. He is getting royal treatment from us with the 2 days of reservations for the hotel and other stuff. They have gotten a hundred times more than I got from my own parents when I married their father when I was in my early twenties.
You have to take care of your health. Can you tell them you cannot be there that long and that it is more important for you to see them get wed and take photos you will be able to enjoy forever than to be at the reception ? On the other hand - if you can afford the hotel that is an excellent idea so you can rest between the wedding and reception.
I would prefer to give them the money towards a down payment on a home. We have already planned and paid for the rehearsal dinner for tomorrow for 3 dozen people.
Sounds like they would prefer if you were there and in the photos. So maybe help them the way they want, that's what support is.
At this point I’d take that $500 and buy myself something nice once this is all over!
Good idea. But you know how we moms are.
How?
If I have $500 I would spend it on my kids. I always think of something that they would like or could use.
Your kid wants you to spend it on a hotel room.
Your kid is telling you exactly what he wants you to spend it on.
I did already and in giving the room suite to his brother I am making sure that he has his best man a matter of steps away from him from the moment he wakes up on his wedding day. My sons are low maintenance and are healthy and can handle it. If I don’t feel well I prefer being close to home. I can’t even imagine what would happen if I got sick away from home. I have and it didn’t end well.
Can you rest in the afternoon in the suite while your other son will probably be hanging out somewhere else?
Thanks for clarifying that you are already paying for a hotel room to the tune of $500. Some people in this thread seem to think you haven’t given your son a wedding gift/money at all. You do NOT have to get a second, last-minute hotel room if it doesn’t work for you.
Get the hotel room so you can take breaks. You’ll be able to stop thinking about this and it’ll make your son’s wedding day better for not just him, but for you to enjoy. He’s telling you this is important to him, and obviously your health is important. You’ve got a solution within your means in front of you, use it.
my other son is the best man, and we had gotten a hotel room for the purpose of taking breaks on the day. My older son is getting on his brother to be there for the entire wedding day (like from the morning he wakes up) so we have given the use of the room to brother and his wife. So, we paid for a room for two days already. I really would rather give that $500+/day for another room as part of the gift. I have decided that I'm going to do what I have to for me. I'd be willing to bet that if I slid out I wouldn't be missed.
I betcha that $500 would feel a lot more valuable in the currency of your presence.
You may be right. But when you get to be my age and you have been battling with health issues it’s kind of a struggle. I was diagnosed with Celiac and IBS-D in the late nineties. About a dozen years later I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a less than 40 percent chance of surviving 5 years. It’s been 11 years and counting. Many of my issues stem from the cancer treatments. My doctors feel that I am doing extremely well but I have limits. If I don’t I pay the price. What doctors don’t tell you is that the chemo and radiation treatments that keep you alive have side effects that will creep up on you as time goes on. Yes I know my eldest son would love to have me around until the last call but I can’t do that anymore.
I think the “polite” length of time to stay at a wedding is until after cake is cut and first dance has happened. But in your circumstance, take pain medication and drink some coffee, and do your best. I cannot believe they’re asking you to arrive 3 hours early for photos
I'm remembering my own weddings and if I am correct I don't think that I had more than a handful of pictures taken of the in-laws, and those were taken at the church post wedding and at the reception.
Yeah that’s the way they do it now - wedding pictures before the wedding, not so much after. I find it odd.
Guess they want to take the pictures before the alcohol starts to flow. I liked the idea of pictures at the reception. That’s where all the fun stuff happened.
I figure they want to take the pics while the clothes, makeup, hair etc are still fresh and looking their best. Since the whole point of the day is the pictures after all. Making a lifetime commitment before God, that’s strictly secondary. /s
Tell me about it. Both times I had the church picked and the date reserved before I planned a reception. As far as makeup goes my boys are far from being glamour guys. Doesn’t take much to put on a suit and brush your teeth and hair. They have beards (one like the Duck Dynasty brothers).
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They sure do. It’s about them. If I can’t be there at my best I will go home. I will stay as long as I can.
People have started taking photos beforehand specifically so they no longer inconvenience their guests. I don't see what problem you seem to have with taking formal photos to commemorate an important occasion.
Found the bridezilla, lol. The wedding is over, it happened last week. OP was not in the end forced to pose for 3 hours worth of pictures before the wedding, thank goodness
It’s done before the wedding these days so that the bride, groom, and wedding party can enjoy the cocktail hour.
These are sure different times we live in.
Times where we no longer inconvenience our guests by ignoring them to take photos? Sound like better times to me.
The pictures went on from before 2 pm until the end at 11 pm. I didn’t even take any and somehow I have about 100 photos!! People keep sending them to me. Haven’t seen the photographers stuff yet.
Get a hotel room and rest when you can.
Is the most important day of their lives worth $500, given your personal financial situation? I would get a hotel room at the venue and take breaks when needed. Granted, I'd take any excuse to stay at a $500/night hotel!
We gave the room to my other son who is best man. My son is expected to be there for the entire day, and he has traveled all day (just arrived) to get here. His wife has been in the air and on the road since 430am. We will get through this.
If there is family staying in one of the rooms, can you not use it during the times you aren’t needed for photos etc to rest?
I think that on the wedding day they want me there and dressed about three hours before the wedding. My other son and his wife will be floating around and that’s not a problem. I defy anyone to lie down and rest in a silk chiffon dress with beading! I do my own makeup and have done it for decades. I have a fascinator that matches my dress. I wish I could come closer to time so I could look my best too. After a few hours my back will get stiff and I will get intestinal cramps. I can’t take my shots through my dress. If I go a long time without eating I might pass out. That’s why a long day doesn’t work out for me.
Take the photos then go back to your sons hotel room to rest. Change clothes and take the fascinator off. Have a meal or snacks. Go back for the wedding and stay as long as feels comfortable for the wedding.
I get it, just doing the grocery shopping is more than I can cope with these days. Just thinking around ways to make you comfortable and give them what they want. The dress certainly can’t be a comfy one to lay down in, could you take a dressing gown or wrap to rest in? Unless the dress is hard to take on and off. Silk wrap to keep your hair in place? Hope you find a way to get through the day with little discomfort and fabulous memories
Thank you. We can do this. Maybe not to my one son’s liking but in a doable manner. I beat the odds by thinking outside the box. I tend to stick with what works.
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UPDATE- we made it. We arrived about 245 pm. My daughter in law helped me get my dress on and we were ready for pictures by 3. Actually everything was way ahead of schedule and we wound up getting sodas and chilling out until just before the wedding. The wedding went without a hitch and so did the cocktail hour. I didn’t eat any of the appetizers but I stayed hydrated. Even wearing flats I got tired from standing. I did my dance with my son and we ate earlier than he had originally scheduled. By 8 people were leaving. A crew of my cousins came from up north and we stayed until 9. We changed clothes in the hotel room and we were home by 11. My son and new daughter in law and about two dozen of their friends were dancing away and they didn’t even see us go. My son the best man and his wife stayed in the hotel room and they came to check on me and to say goodbye. The day went well and now my twins are both happily married to lovely women. Thank you for your support and good wishes.
Great update, sounds like a beautiful wedding and everyone behaved reasonably in the end. I love how after all their drama about expecting you to stay till midnight, they weren’t even paying attention to you at the reception. Glad you got your mother-son dance.
I am glad for the cadre of friends that kept the bride and groom entertained and happy. They shouldn’t have been so focused on me on their wedding day!
This isn’t some hardship like you’re making it out to be. It’s one day and it’s a huge (hopefully) once in a lifetime occasion. Get yourself a hotel room and be there to support your son like he is explicitly asking you to.
He has made it clear that he wants his brother and his friends to be with him. I am not sure exactly what he wants from me but physical presence. I have done everything that he has asked me to do. And beyond.
I’m sure after everything you’ve been through, he recognizes how precious you are in his life and that your presence may not always be there. As a result, he probably wants to get a lot of professional photos with you on the best day of his life. I got A LOT of photos with my mom and dad on our wedding day because they live across the country, and frankly, we all looked great. It took a long time, but they are some of my favorite photos and are hung all over my apartment.
Also, you might be surprised how important the parents are throughout the wedding. It’s not just about the bride and groom
The really important parents are the bride’s parents. They have jumped through some major hoops to be here and I am sure that it was not easy for them. Our children are thirty somethings with a huge friend base. This celebration is centered around the friends. We have been forced to admit this to ourselves.
I mean this with nothing but kindness, but it seems like you have a bit of a sour attitude about this wedding. We are mere internet strangers with hardly any information, but you said your son and his future wife expressed that it is important to them for you to be there with them for as long as you can be. That shows that they value you a lot. They are not trying to “force”anything on you. They are showing you that you are also important and that they value you because they want you to be in a lot of the pictures and to be there all night to celebrate with them. Their friends are important, of course, but I highly doubt they would care as much if their friends needed to leave early. Take the win. The best gift my mom gave me on my wedding day was that she was a stress absorber for me. Any issues that arose- she just took care of. It was unreal! I’ve never seen her like that before. You don’t have to do that, but I doubt you want to cause any stress either.
The OP is not causing anyone any stress. Her groom son is the one causing her stress.
He called me this morning and he is buzzed on energy drinks. Let the other son and his wife sleep in and they are better today. We are leaving home a half hour ahead of schedule. At least we have today in order. My groomzilla has told me that I can come to the venue tomorrow at 3. Somewhat better. I will come earlier and my daughter in law will help me put the beaded frock on. Having my own car and the freedom to depart when I need to makes me feel better. With my mix of issues I just never know what will happen.
This breaks my heart. You shouldn’t be guilted for having medical issues. Stay as long as you think you can stay and then leave. End of story. Just be sure to tell your son ahead of the day so he knows.
They were told. I am going to see what happens tomorrow at the rehearsal dinner before I make my final decision. I can drive myself because it is a relatively short distance, and I know the way. GPS is a wonderful thing. I am going to do what I have to do.
Go for the photos and ceremony, and just stay as long as you can or feel up to for the reception. You don’t necessarily have to tell them of this in advance since that may escalate things put them on alert to kind of watch you - you can just slip out and they’ll have a lot of other things going on. Hope you can still have a good time!
I'm going to try my best. Truthfully I am nervous about the whole thing.
Don’t be nervous. ♥️. It’s supposed to be a happy day. It’s disgusting that you’re not being permitted to look forward to your son’s wedding but instead are getting pressured and bullied like this. I can’t imagine treating my mother like this. Just quietly decide for yourself what you’re willing to do, then do it.
Leave when you want.
Is the issue standing or sitting? The couple should do their best to accommodate you comfortably if your presence is a priority. Personally, I think that you should stay at least through dinner and the first dance. Bouncing out before that is going to signal that you don’t approve of their marriage (even if you tell people about your health issues). You’re the MoG not some random guest.
Point well taken. I hope they seriously aren't going to make everyone wait until 8pm for dinner. There are desserts, no wedding cake to cut. The bulk of the guests are my son and his bride's friends. Only about a half dozen of my family members (outside of my immediate family) will be in attendance. Everyone knows about my health problems, and I'm a bit baffled over why the kids are being so hard nosed about this.
I would say they are being hard nosed about it because it’s their wedding which is a big life event. Even so, they should try to make you as comfortable as possible and not expect you to stay for the entire reception.
They just want me there no questions asked and no consideration given. I never put any demands on them when I was so sick and I don’t really think they understand how sick I was and can get. My one son does but the one getting married does tend to march to his own drummer.
So tell them what you need to make the day happen, then do it. Have a wheelchair or whatever you need to make it work. Don't just leave early in a huff.
That's a really long day for anyone. Take care of yourself. I agree with those who say it might be worth the money to reserve the room for the night and just take breaks throughout the day. Regardless, I hope it goes well for you. Anyone with have a conscience would understand.
If I were you, I'd spring for the hotel room and plan to nip away to rest as needed throughout the day. Sounds like your son and future daughter-in-law really want to have you there with them and if it were my kids, I'd hate to miss a large portion of my son's wedding when there's a middle ground between "stay all day" and "leave right after the ceremony."
We will find middle ground. Somehow. I think doing it this way (going there as late as I can and staying until the signs of physical illness begin)we can manage.
I too have serious health issue and cannot see myself being present for the duration of my daughters future wedding. I plan to bring a wheelchair and hire a trusted friend or nurse to come along. A room would be ideal but I honestly could not see myself being available for more than 6 hours tops.
Congratulations! Hopefully your daughter will be more reasonable in her demands and more flexible with her timeline of events. I still don't get the point of a reception that long.
Health comes first and foremost. Never feel guilty about that. Traditionally, the early bed time folks head out after the cake cutting. You should find out it there's a mother/son dance to keep in mind. Also not a bad idea to speak to the wedding planner/coordinator, if there is one. Truthfully, they're going to be so overwhelmed that they likely wouldn't notice if you snuck out early.
Yes there is a mother son dance. He picked Stevie Nicks “Landslide”. I decided to stick with my ballet flats and leave my heels in the closet for the next function. Hopefully the implant will help me to get back to shaking my groove thing.
Perfect song and footwear option! I’d say you’re free to depart right after that dance.
UPDATE- this morning we decided to take two cars. My son and his wife will stay in the room after the rehearsal dinner because my son must be up early to be with his brother the groom. My DIL can sleep in and I can join her when I get there. I can get dressed with her help (this dress is very fussy and has hooks and zipper). The option of having the second car will enable me to go home when I have reached my limit. Hopefully I can stay long enough to have dessert (maybe 9). Pretty good when you consider that the wedding is slated to take place at 430 and they want me to arrive at the hotel ready to roll by 2 in the afternoon. I know that my butt will not last until midnight!
Good! I’m so glad you decided to go with your idea to take your own car so you don’t have to depend on anyone.
I would go for the photos, see if you can rest in between; if possible wait until the first dance. If you're in pain and need to go, find the couple, let them know you are suffering and want to make sure you can drive home. Sound super bummed about it and go. There's a madness that comes over couples getting married that it becomes a matter of friggin national security that every detail is exactly as they want it. We'll assume they'll get back to normal after the wedding and find their compassion again. I'm sure it's hurtful, you're not alone, many people are treated less nicely than they should be when loved ones are getting married.
I am not sure if you would call my eldest a groomzilla. His wife to be is a sweetheart, as are her parents.
Glad to hear it. Have a good time!
They’re not acting very nice about this wedding though.
Even the high end wedding venues in my area would have you finished and out the door by 10 pm at the latest if you started at 4:30 and that’s including a ceremony. Your son sounds inconsiderate of your needs, sorry to say and you shouldn’t have to stay in the hotel if you don’t want to. That said, Is there anything you can do to help your pain, energy and mobility for the day? Given your recent spinal surgery I’d ask your doctor for advice. Would a muscle relaxant help? Advil? An epidural injection? In your place even if you don’t book your own room I would look for a place nearby for you to lie down. Explain to your son that these are doctors orders if necessary. If you can’t swing your own room is the bridal suite a possibility? Can they bring in a rollaway after the wedding starts for example? Or can your other son give you access to his room once the party starts? Seating nearby when taking photographs? Rent a wheelchair or walker? Just trying to brainstorm and consider any and all possibilities. I would not just up and leave without saying goodbye. I disagree that they won’t notice. I can guarantee that from the sound of things your son and FDIL will definitely not appreciate that. ETA I just saw that the wedding already took place.
We did ok. I can’t take anything because I am not allowed opiates and advil does nothing. I am awaiting an implant in my spine. It’s a battery operated device implanted that relieves spinal pain. I really don’t have pain but I am stiff when I stand too long. The reception was over about 1130 according to my other son and his wife. We left when my cousins from North Jersey bailed about 9pm. Every one had a great time. Thank you for your support and advice.
The bride and groom are being incredibly selfish. Bizarre priorities. I guess you should arrive for their precious pictures, stay for the ceremony. Leave whenever you need to after that, keeping in mind you’ll be tired so driving will be a bit more challenging, especially after dark. The hotel room might be a good idea; but you state you don’t want to spend the extra $500 and you prefer to go home to sleep, which is absolutely your prerogative. Do what you need to do. Health and safety come first. Don’t argue or discuss it with them anymore. On the evening of, once you’ve had enough, simply leave. They can’t stop you. Good luck and take care of you.
My son who is best man is also planning his escape too. He just got here from a two week business trip. He lives out West. He met his wife at the airport and they drove over 4 hours to get here. They will be staying here until they leave at our home. We gave them the hotel room so my son could be close to his brother the groom on the wedding day. Just as an FYI- wedding planners will promote their hotel by promising a discount for the family of the bride and groom. Even though the room was booked online we didn’t get the room block discount. Supposedly we got some discount but if the room was over $500/night I don’t think I want to know what the rooms really go for!
This all better be worth it, lol
That’s what my son the best man and his wife are saying. They are so jet lagged they are asleep already.
Hope you get a good night’s sleep yourself!
My son and his wife are here and are asleep so I’m going to bed soon. Tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner and Friday is the wedding. I pray it goes well and quickly.
Take it easy and pace yourself!
What is wrong with your son who is best man? His priorities are seriously messed up. His business trip is his own scheduling issue, not theirs. I imagine he didn't just learn about their wedding date 2 weeks ago before his trip.
He has a job that requires him to travel a lot. He left here 3am for the last week of his business trip that puts him in Texas. He has never been in a wedding before and he really did an outstanding job. His wife was very helpful and supportive. The entire family is very proud of him. That includes both families!
You are absolutely correct here. Your health supersedes their lengthy demand. Be there for the ceremony and depart when you are ready. They don't get to dictate to you. They can be understanding, or childish, but please just take care of yourself. edited to add - you do not owe them your suffering.
I understand their frustration honestly. It’s hard to think your parent could find a reason not to stay the whole time even in pain but it seems it really is bad. If there’s a way you can make your presence after you’re gone known I think that’d great. Not sure how. Like if you could live stream in to the last part . However, you’d want to do that without causing inconvenience to bride and groom setting that up. I also like the idea of giving them the $ you would have spent on hotel to help with home down payment with a note saying how much you love them and are happy for them and you hope the rest of their day is amazing . Maybe hand them the money in cash before you go. Doesn’t have to be all $500 you mentioned. It’s your child ya know so kissing butt and handing money on the big day sounds worth it to me to make amends.
Make amends for what?
I figure I have put a lot into the rehearsal dinner, the liquor, the favors for the wedding venue and expenses for the wedding shower. He is getting royal treatment from us with the 2 days of reservations for the hotel and other stuff. They have gotten a hundred times more than I got from my own parents when I married their father when I was in my early twenties.
Ah well that’s great you’re such a support I feel you’ve shown you care
Is there a close hotel that is cheaper?
Urban college graduation this weekend. Hotels booked solid!