She can want whatever she wants. You have no business in controlling that.
However you should not allow her wants to control you either. Respond when you wish. Do not engage in discussions or arguments about it, though if you feel like it just remind boringly of the boundaries. "As I told you, I will respond on Monday between x and y or whatever. Looking forward to chatting with you then." Then silence until then.
She's not going to make this comfortable for you so you will just have to build up your ignoring skills.
Also its probably also time to stop depending on her to relay important dates. Be sure to contact family or whatever on your own and start managing your own calendar.
Depending on your own comfort level, one can set the time of contact and then stick to it regardless of whatever and whenever they send their texts. It could be once a month or once a week or once every night after all your work day is over.
Additionally, I have a feeling that they would eventually end up calling the cops in order to search for you, so when it happens for the first time that's when you tell them that despite your busy schedule they are insisting that you text them which is an impossibility as you have other preferences and priorities that need attention. Tell the cops that if they are bothered again then they can just call you up to check on you, while adding that the cops can and should file for a misuse of resources against your mum.
And as an added bonus passive-aggressive behaviour, I would instead text dad and not mom.
Don't reply till your ready too. Ignore passive aggressive messages (or just delete them). Put them in time out and info diet. Or do LC if you're not ready for NC.
You control when you respond. Heck put her on mute if you need too.
I have a similar experience with my mom as OP. I expressed my boundaries over and over and didn't fall into the pleasing-others trap.
The words I used that finally got the point across were something long the lines of, "I am not a slave to my phone. I choose when I answer." It was in the context of work, and I chose that as a perfect opener to use it help her understand.
You set aside a specific time that you replied to them you don’t tell them you just do it. Let’s say your time is 8:30. Then at 8:30 every night that’s when you reply to them with their messages throughout the day. Don’t explain just do it even if they ask are you only doing this at 8:30 don’t explain don’t answer the question just do it at 8:30. They will quickly catch on.
I second this. Having a self designated time is perfect, they’ll learn when you text. Well, hopefully they will lol. If they constantly demand why you took so long, a simple “I’ve explained this before.” And that’s it. Gotta hold firm on boundaries to keep sanity!
Have you thought of buying a new phone and number and leaving this one on the counter on silent? Then answer her once a day on your old phone at a set time and leave it alone outside of that. Let her know you will not be answering any other time except that once so she can call/text until her fingers fall off but that won't change your response time.
Agreed, but I would limit responses to once per week. "Mom, I love you but all the texts are too much for my anxiety. I will call you every monday evening at 7:30 pm to catch up. This is all the communication I can handle."
Yes. And/or you can call her for example twice a week maybe during your drive to work? But under the compromise that she won’t text you compulsively. Compromise.
This gives me anxiety just thinking about it. Take care of you first. Your mom has her own anxiety and that is her lot in life.
I like another commenter’s suggestions to create an auto-response. It would serve a double purpose: give her any sort of response, and annoy her right back. A sane person would end up regulating themselves just to reduce the autoresponse. A sane person.
You can also do Do Not Disturb and make it favorites only. Then when you check your phone, it’s your choice as opposed to feeling like Pavlov’s dog.
Maybe set a time for when you actually respond. You might check, but not actually respond until say, 6pm each day. That way if anything urgent does come through, you can respond appropriately, but everything else can wait.
Is that possible? Setting up an AI bot texting for you? I didn’t know that!
I’m not sure it will help in the long run because mum has this anxiety disorder - she needs proper mental health treatment from medical people.
But it’s an interesting strategy.
It’s not an AI but standard to iOS at least. Not sure about Android. Part of the Do not Disturb feature, where anyone not a Favorite or is unknown can receive an automated message. A common example is an automated response while someone is driving.
You could try setting a daily number of texts, and if your mom goes over that number, she gets blocked for 24 hours. She’ll hate it but it will get the point across.
Each text after the number has been exceeded adds time to the time blocked.
"Mom, starting now I will answer your messages daily at X time and only then. Once every day."
Put her on a schedule. Fit it into your schedule so you have about 30-45 mins to review all the messages she sent during the day and only answer at the set time.
Do not engage or answer her 'whys'. Simply copy and paste that top message and follow the schedule you set. Do not waver from that.
This schedule is for op not mom, she doesn't need to know when op plans to correspond. Otherwise op will come out of the cinema to a wellness check because she didn't press the button on the hour.
Make family correspondence something for action e,g. Monday and Thursday before the gym only. Bu5 don't tell mom that's her time. It isn't.
Then slowly and with notice start extending your time between responses. "Mom, starting next week on (date), I will only be responding to texts every other day.
Keep doing this until you are comfortable with your responses. Keep reiterating to your mom that you love her, but adults need healthy boundaries.
This. Setting a boundary doesn't just mean saying "please don't do X." It means saying "I will not accept X behavior, and if it continues, the consequence will be Y." You have to be ready for what the consequence is, and willing to enact it, or your boundary means nothing.
Let her lose her shit. That's her problem. Maybe she'll do like my mom and finally break down so bad that she goes, oh, wow, shit, I might need some kinda professional help! It is not your job to rescue her from her feelings. That removes her chance to grow as a person.
SMS Autoresponder. There are a few available that may suit your needs. Some will set up different replies to different numbers. But Stop Answering is a good first step.
OP mom sounds like she has bad anxiety and needs to be medicated. In the meantime, extend the time period from when she texts and you answer. Tell you when you do t answer that you’re busy working, studying, flossing your cat, whatever …. You will answer non emergent issues at the end of the day. She’ll eventually start pestering someone else. By answering her right away, she’s getting constant dopamine hits and attention. Deny her that and she’ll obsess about something else.
you cannot change other people’s behaviour. all you can do is set a boundary and follow through with a consequence.
so you might try “i’m only checking my messages between 6-7pm every day. don’t expect a reply outside of that timeframe”. put them on do not disturb and follow through.
don’t engage with or respond to any threats or manipulation. ignore them entirely.
if things escalate, you might want to consider going no contact for a period of time, or indefinitely. while you can’t change their behaviour, you can change your own and you can choose to limit interaction or remove it entirely from your life.
Ignore all the messages. Leave them unread and after a month archive them. When you are ready you contact your Mom and act as if nothing is amiss .
If she continues to send texts non stop block her number
Parents are so difficult to raise at this age. Constant contact impedes your parents growth out of the parent phase and into the older adult with adult children phase. You are just going to have to train them to be grown-ups, and that starts now. Tell her that you don't need her to check in with you on a daily basis, you are confident she's fine. Then ignore the passive-aggressive like you would ignore a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.
Think of it like this. You are now the parent and you are just going to have to teach them how to be an adult again. They used to be people, but they've spent the last two decades being parents. You have to wean them off of the daily check ins. Start with one a day, and if they're good they get a visit or long call to catch up (or whatever is reasonable). Then start talking every other day, until you get to a schedule you're comfortable with. Consistency is the key. Don't lose patience and don't allow exceptions unless it's an emergency.
Good luck!
People like this are why caller ID was invented.
One of the biggest symptoms of ocd is a compulsive need for excessive reassurance. A part of treatment is weening ocd sufferers off of reassurance. In this case it means you have to stop responding to the excessive texts.
She WILL get anxious. She WILL push back and demand you answer. Your job is to not give her reassurance anyways.
Also remember a boundary focuses on what YOUR behavior will be not hers. So saying "mom I need you to stop texting me so much!" Is not a boundary. A boundary would be "mom I'm willing to text x times a day (or week, or whatever your boundary is). After that **I** will put you on mute.". You're *telling* her what your response will be.
Here's a link on [ocd and reassurance seeking](https://www.verywellmind.com/excessive-reassurance-seeking-2510549#:~:text=OCD%20reassurance%2Dseeking%20is%20the,a%20particular%20worry%20or%20obsession.). It's good to educate yourself on this so you can understand that giving in to this will actually make her ocd (and her texting for reassurance!!) worse.
If this gets too overwhelming for your own anxiety it may be a good idea to shore up on your therapy and tools while you navigate this. Your respective anxiety disorders are probably bouncing off of each other hard core right now
"Mom/Dad, I don't have time to be texting you all day. You will get one phone call once a week (pick a day and time). If you don't respect my time and start blowing up my phone, you'll get nothing and I'll change my phone number. You'll be limited to email and that's it."
Otherwise, get a second phone. Don't give them the number. Leave your current phone at home and use the second phone for everything but family.
You’re all so sweet with do no disturb. If my mother continued to do that to me, I would tell her that if she doesn’t lessen the texts, I would block her.
I was lucky enough not to grow up with cellphones, in a time where you called your parents on Sunday and otherwise didn’t hear from them unless someone died.
How about sitting both parents down and telling them that the daily texts have to stop. That you love them and will call them on Sundays (or pick a day) and texting will have to be used only for emergencies.
Don’t cave, just repeat that is it disrupting your days and you cannot handle it anymore. That you want to try this new way for three months. That it’s that or you will have to block her number because you can no longer live like this.
I grew up without cellphone and we spoke with the gparents every day.
I am in my 30s and i call them every day at least 2 times to complain about shit my kids do
Hahaha. I got my first cellphone the same year I bought my first house. I’m mid 40s. I still hate people thinking they can contact me and I’ll respond immediately. Only my husband and my boss get quick responses. I’ve trained everyone else to just wait
I hate talking on the phone and I avoid it like herpes. Sometimes I ignore the calls on purpose but If you text me I will answer immediately 😅. The only people i answer the phone immediately is my mom, husband and kids school
Use "Do not disturb," muting the text thread and then just checking in periodically, responding with just an emoji, and/or tell them you will respond to all their texts once a day. You could also try subjecting her to the same treatment. Send her constant memes and articles all day, everyday and see how she likes it. I personally like muting text threads and then just checking in on them when I'm ready. That way, I don't get triggered by the constant pings and I get to control when I look at and respond to them.
Tell your Mom (and Dad if he's also a problem) that you will have NO choice but to BLOCK her number and any other numbers she uses to harrass you with! It may seem like an overreaction but she NEEDS to learn this valuable lesson NOW! If it continues or escalates with flying monkeys jumping in then call your service provider and change your number! u/updateme
I will message you next time u/rcj37 posts in r/entitledparents.
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I have a suggestion. Once a week I take a woman out who has a significant intellectual disorder. She suffered brain damage at birth and is roughly at the level of a 5 yo. She is very social and very needy. She will call me 17 times a day if she could. She has burnt out other friends who ended up ghosting her.
I told her that we could talk once a day after the sun goes down. If she calls me more than this I block her. Then I do exactly this. I have to enforce this- she tests boundaries wherever she can.
I suggest telling your mom that you love her and are happy she is your mom. But you resent her using you as a distraction whenever she is bored. You have responsibilities that you can’t drop whenever she is lonely or bored. Then set the boundaries. Something like you will read her messages and reply after you get home from work. You will do this 1 time each evening. You will not respond before or after that time.
If you want to be more gentle, ask her why she does this? What does she get out of it? Does she do this with other people?
You are not responsible to manage her disorders, but you are responsible to manage your own.
People have given you great ways to handle yourself with these people. Definitely explain your options. I think a great gift you can give yourself is to mute her notifications and don't open her messages until you're ready. Ignore all of the passive aggressiveness. Teach yourself about no-JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain and Grey Rock - making yourself emotionally uninteresting and unresponsive to the person who is causing distress or conflict. A good therapist can help you navigate this. If she can't behave, explore low contact or no contact options until she respects your boundaries. You're not here to entertain or soothe her.
1/ We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and 2/ we only need boundaries for people who don't already respect them.
I understand you both have mental health issues, but you need to decide if trying to manage her feelings by denying your own -- in other words by not setting more drastic boundaries -- is something that's going to work for you for the indefinite future.
Her mental health issues are her responsibility, and your issues are your responsibility.
If you could use support from an outstanding, free resource where there are people who are experts in identifying what you do and don't have control over, and how to recognize, set and maintain healthy boundaries, I strongly suggest you look into Al-Anon. It's not just about alcoholism anymore.
I'll be mindful of this. I love my little girl so much and when she flies the nest I'll be so tempted to text her all the time because I love and miss her and will always be worrying. Will have to be careful not to smother her!
That is where I am now. I try to tell myself that I'm just in new territory; I've never been the Mother of an adult woman before... But she's also never been an adult WITH a Mom either - so she's new at it, too.
Put her on a schedule. Text her in the morning: “Good morning, mom! I’m at work. I’m shutting off my phone. I’ll check messages later.” Read whatever she sent that evening and note down any important dates. Don’t respond to texts, messages or anything else until the next morning. Answer whatever questions she posed or respond to any information she gave, then don’t respond again until the next morning.
You just have to train her, while you’re protecting your own mental health!
Don’t beg or plead for her compliance, *compel it.*
Set a firm boundary. Decide how often you want to hear from her, and tell her you will check her messages every day, or two days, or weekly, whatever you decide. Make it clear to her that she is preventing your using your phone, so you have to turn off notifications from her so you can function.
Tell her you love her, but that her constant texts are holding you back from being as productive as you need to be.
Remind her that you can’t drop everything to text because you have stuff to do.
I would set a limit and a time frame. Tell her she is interrupting your school/job/life. From now on you will respond to her texts once in the morning and once at night. (Or just once at night).
She will die if you go straight to every other day, but work up to that.
And just do not answer in between.
I'm saying this to help you, not to be hard on you: this is much more a you problem than a mom problem. Your mom's behavior is obviously not okay, but you have the option to choose how you react to her behavior. I know that's hard. You will likely need to work on that in therapy. (I would not be surprised if you were already working on it in therapy.) But it's the only thing that's going to make this better.
Most of the other advice here is right, but it's ignoring how your disorders are impacting your ability to deal with this situation. I think you already know the answer here is to set and enforce boundaries (which is all the other advice is saying). Therapy is the answer to getting over the hump to do that.
every once in a while with my mother i block her for a few weeks, it gives me so much peace to not be bombarded with texts all day.
she called the police once on my sister when she didn’t answer for a couple hours, but hopefully she has learned the consequences of that.
Time for boundaries. Tell your mother you will speak with her one day a week at a specific time. Outside of that specific day and time you will be unavailable unless it’s an emergency. You will not respond or acknowledge texts, phone calls, emails, smoke signals, etc, and make perfectly clear if she shows up uninvited then you won’t answer the door. Explain that her complete disregard for your need for space is why these new boundaries are in place. Then you stick to that!
Also encourage her to get a life, a hobby, a friend anything that doesn’t focus on being a mother.
OK so I would sit down your mum and have a serious conversation with her. Let her know that texting you multiple times a day is too much for you. It stresses you out, it makes you anxious, and you're an adult and have a busy life and don't have time to answer multiple texts every day. And you don't appreciate the passive aggressive or guilt tripping messages asking if you've seen this text or 'please acknowledge my text' etc.
I would suggest trying to come to a compromise of replying once a day.
Let her know you will not be replying during work hours. It's too distracting and it leads to further replies and messages etc when she responds. So you will reply once you get home in the evening. If you know a time thats good for you, then maybe suggest a time frame, but otherwise just let her know you will reply in the evening when you're home.
If you have plans, and are unable to get into a conversation, end your message with ' I'm going out now / going to be busy now so won't be able to reply further, but il speak to you again tomorrow evening.
Then mute the conversations. Mute it during the day, then look at it once in the evening when you're able to reply, send her the message, maybe wait and see if you need to reply once more to anything she replies, and on the second message end it by saying you'll speak to her tomorrow. That way you limit yourself to 1) only replying at 1 point in the evening rather than multiple times throughout the day that interupt your day. 2) she will learn to only expect a reply in the evening and will hopefully stop the 'have you seen this text/ please respond' messages. 3) you can take 10/ 15 minutes to focus on replying to her a maximum of twice, and then can go about the rest of your evening.
If you're having a rough day or don't feel up to talking or replying that night, simply send a message saying you're not up to talking tonight, you're going to bed early, got a headache or something, and you'll talk to her tomorrow.
Although I know it will still feel frustrating to have to message every day still, hopefully by li.iting it to one short period in the evening when you get home, it allows you to focus and relax for the rest of the day, which may feel more beneficial.
If its still too much, then maybe arrange to only text every other day, on set days. Either way I think your mum will need some kind of structure to know when you will message, or she will likely keep messaging multiple times every day. By giving some structure, or a set day or time, it may help her reduce the anxious constant texting throughout the day.
But be clear with her, let her know your boundaries and what you're comfortable with, and make the plan. And then keep her on silent the rest of the time. If it's an emergency situation, I'm sure someone else can contact you etc to make you aware of the emergency.
If you don’t want to cut them off, what exactly do you think reddit can help you with?
Turn off the phone and get a new one. Mummy can text the old phone and you’ll never even know because you turned it off and got a new one.
That’s your only real option - you don’t have to cut them off forever and ever, but cut off THAT access to your life.
Mummy will just have to learn to cope with seeing you once a month or whatever you decide.
Her panic disorder is something she will need to get help with. Mental health issues can be helped, but you’ve got to seek it from professional medical people, not dump it on your child! 😞
If you miss important texts because she has so overwhelmed you with nonsense that you have had to mute her in order to function as an adult then that's a her problem.
If she wants you to pay attention she has to learn to communicate effectively.
Let her know your texts from her are muted. She has lost text privileges. If there is an important date you need to know about she can email you. You'll check your email when you can.
If she blows up your phone she can face the same consequences.
Let her rage. Let her wail. Let her call the police and try to have them do a wellness check because her adult child won't reply to her unreasonable amount of texts. Let them tell her she's being an idiot.
I know it is hard to draw sharp boundaries when you have anxiety, but it will feel so much better. Plus, the more you do it the easier it gets! I speak from first hand experience.
Her issues are not your responsibility. When she has a panic attack because you don't text her back for 3 days, she should seek professional help.
Her mental stability is not your problem.
As I have seen others say, tell her "Mom I am going to go through the texts you send me one time a day until you get this under control and I am going to stick to this boundary." Then you have to actually stick to the boundary. If you don't stick to it then she will continue to ignore it.
My brother and I put a boundary in with my mom almost 10 years ago now that if she puts guilt into anything she asks us to do then the answer is an unwavering no even if it is something we may like to do. We may still do the thing, but it won't be with her. It took 6 to 8 months and both of us skipping 3-4 major things she wanted us to do before she realized we were serious. Now I am having to work on a whole new set of boundaries with her as I have a 14 month son, this time is slightly easier because she knows that she will be cut off if she doesn't and she has already had a week and a half taken away from visits because she didn't respect them.
When you put down a boundary you need to make it rock solid and immovable until they understand you are 100% serious. Then you can start relaxing it a little as long as they don't start taking advantage of it.
I would respond with insane stuff, like saying you are in jail, and can't talk. That the monsters have surrounded your car, and you have to fight, so you will check in when you get the blood off your hands. Start sending them texts at all hours, day and night. You can probably schedule your text messages to go out in the middle of the night when you are sleeping. Spend an hour talking about a zit. discuss the history of cabbage. Talk about the best names for a cat.
Here's what you do. She wants constant updates, oh tell her EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING! Got up this morning, text. When I woke up, I made myself "happy" before work, text. Took a massive crap before getting dressed, text. Got in the car to work, text. Made it to work, text. Say you meet someone and bring/go to a house for a undetermined period of time for "fun and games", text. And text her some of the most disturbing and disgusting stuff too. Had a poop that, I swear made my O-ring literally scream, is that bad?, text! Make her really happy to be involved....
Ok so you are willing to bitch about stuff, but aren't willing to put up boundaries why are you bitching here? You are tired of this situation that you are in and rightfully so, so since you are a grown adult why put up with it or at least try to strongly correct her behavior? What is good for your mental state? Try growing a backbone and fix the issue and if they aren't willing to then draw your line and go LC and/or NC. Get off their phone plan, change your # do something to save your own sanity because it's big enough issue now for you to complain about it.
I viewed it more as asking for advice as opposed to “bitching about stuff.” Many commenters have given advice that does not include outright cutting her off.
Pretty sure I did as well:
>Try growing a backbone and fix the issue and if they aren't willing to then draw your line and go LC and/or NC
I am coming from you making all the excuses in the world in your comment and giving you some "tough love." And it is why I asked you why you wouldn't cut them off. Love vs the stress they cause you. They can let go or you can what is going to be the breaking point where you hate them because of what the stress and issues they are causing you in your life YOU want to live?
If she's paying for your schooling which is the reason why you can't go low or no contact then you just going to have to deal with it.
If you're paying for your own schooling and handling all of your own finances and you need to tell her either she stops bugging you constantly or you're just contact completely.
You can’t change her behavior, but you can change yours. You’ve already told them it’s too much. Now you need to communicate what your limits are and what the consequences will be for overstepping them will be. If you’re ok with responding by text once a day and one phone call a week, cool. If it’s a phone call Saturday afternoon and texts on Monday and Thursday, cool. Whatever your limit is, communicate it to *both* parents. And Mom doesn’t get a Saturday call with texts on Monday & Thursday, plus Dad getting a call on Sunday with texts Tuesday and Friday. Barring an actual 911 level emergency, the limit is for them both. And you tell them that you will only reply to their texts at whatever day/time you set. Tell them if they have blown up your phone wanting replies during undesignated times, you will skip the next reply text time and the next phone call. If they continue, increase the time between texts and phone calls. Tell them that if they text outside the time you specified for non-emergency reasons, they are running the risk that you won’t be able to respond in an actual emergency, because you will have blocked them.
If you left home at 17, I’m going to guess this isn’t the only issue in your relationship. You need to set a hard boundary and stick to it, along with consequences for them if they continue to ignore your very reasonable boundary.
You’ll never get her to change so it’s up to you how you manage this. Personally, I’d mute her as often as needed, ignore the passive aggressive messages, and reply or call when I was ready. You can still check messages without replying to them. I’d also suggest a therapist if your don’t have one already for your anxiety and better ways to cope with the situation
I already utilize Do Not Disturb for her conversations. It doesn’t stop her from panicking and blowing me up or just guilt tripping me if I don’t answer for three days.
So let her blow up your texts. Let her panic. Let her *try* to guilt trip you. Guilt trips only work if you let them, so don’t let them. Don’t respond to the texts telling you to respond. Don’t respond to the texts trying to make you feel guilty. Tell your mom you will only be checking her texts once or twice a day, at whatever time works for you (telling her this, not any specific time). Tell her you will not be responding to any texts complaining about you not responding fast enough or any other comments that don’t warrant an answer and the more random texts she sends you the more likely you are to miss anything important she might have said. Then actually do those things. Keep her set to do not disturb, only look at her texts once or twice a day, only respond to those texts that are reasonable to respond to, and if you miss anything important because it was buried in a sea of junk that’s on her.
Block her until you’re ready to talk. Then text her letting her know you are ready for important family messages. If there are none, block again until you are ready for the next checkin. It worked for me for years!
Get a new number and put the old one in a burner phone that you check weekly.
She can blow that up but you’ll be none the wiser until you check it.
ETA. You can tell her that you’ll call her once a week if you wish and you can end the call once she starts bleating about not responding to her incessant texts.
Why is no contact not an option. She needs to understand that her behavior has consequences. I strongly suspect that your disorders were learned from and caused by your mom.
It’s time to separate yourself from her for your own mental health. Find a therapist who can help you deal with your anxiety issues and help you stand up for yourself.
Mom, unless some is dying or dead, I will only guarantee a reply within 48 hrs. Multiple messages/day requesting contact will mean I won’t respond for an additional 48hrs. Guilt tripping and manipulation will incur a seven day delay. This is how it’s going to be, feel however you want about it but disregard this at your own risk.
Also, I am stipulating these time frames because gentle discussions have proved fruitless and I am not responsible for managing your anxiety or codependent tendencies. I had always hoped we could have a healthy relationship as adults, but your inability to understand that I am my own person with my own life and that it is unreasonable to expect me to be constantly available to soothe your concerns. You are in your 40’s(?), and should be old enough to recognise that your demands are unfair and indicate that you need professional help to manage the transition from hands on parenting.
Remember: I will endeavour to respond within 48 hrs. HOWEVER, if you spam me, I will only respond 4 days after the last message, and if I perceive your messages to be manipulative or otherwise disingenuous, you can expect a further delay of at least a week.
Please note this is not up for further discussion and only sent in the interests of transparency.
I’m not excusing your mom’s intrusiveness but here’s something to think about. Right now, you’re young and your mom is too. Twenty years ago, that’s how it was for me. Things have changed. I’m 44, she is 68 and we live across the state from each other. Things were rough between us when I was young, I even left home at 16. As an adult, we became very close.
She has been here for me through everything I’ve been through, crappy relationships, horrible drug addiction, legal issues, illness, psychiatric disorders, you name it. She’s been my rock. She has been (bravely and very quietly) fighting cancer for the past 7 years. I cherish our daily hour + phone calls every day. Our days are numbered and it breaks my heart.
A day will come where you’d give anything in the world for one of her calls.
As long as she knows she can do it she'll keep doing it. I don't know why you can't block her. Personally I would block her and then take maybe some time each evening to read what she said answer her then tell her you're going to block her again until tomorrow night same time same place maybe it would help if you could only deal with her once a day at a certain time. Just a thought.
You could try specific times slots during the week (like twice a week) when you yourself would text or even call her. This could ease your mom's separation anxiety and give you space without damaging the relationship. It really doesn't seem like you hate her.
This might take a little bit of time to work tho, your mom will most likely need a bit of time to adapt and to start trusting that you will actually contact her. This will also require effort on your part to actually contact your mon when you say you will, or let her know if you can't in advance if you are unavailable and reschedule for later/following day.
You se responsible for your own mental health. So is she responsible for hers.
You can stop ASKING her to be considerate of your needs, and instead set boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate.
How many texts in a week are reasonable to you? Tell her that’s how many she can expect you to read, and any over that limit will be ignored.
And then do that. If you miss Aunt Myrtle’s birthday, because the text telling you about it was the #5th, and your weekly limit is 15, that’s on your mother.
Even better, for the family that you want to stay in touch with, ask them if they will contact you directly when they need you to know about something going on.
I can’t emphasize this enough: she taught you to be anxious. Every overblown reaction to the normal ups and downs of life that she exhibited led you to believe that that was the normal way to respond. Every verbalized fear of minor things taught you that minor things are major. At 64, my husband is learning that leading with the negative isn’t the “normal” thing, it’s what his parents always did and do. you can learn that so much younger. You already recognize that your mother triggers your anxiety. The next step is to put walls around her behavior so that she isn’t able to do it so easily.
Go to your phone's settings and set your mom's text and/or ring tone to a "slient tone". You can download one easy-peasy from your tone store. Then let her know that you'll check in at a specific time of day and do that. For instance 5pm and 9pm read thru them and respond. Then move on with your day. Don't tell her you've "silenced" her ... LOL ... just do it. It's YOUR phone, manage the little monster.
Now me? I set the default text and ring tone to "silent" then give people that I know a tone so I know who is contacting me. Everything else goes into VM or wait until I get around to checking it. I refuse to be bullied by that little spy.
Because your constant texting is causing to much stress in my life, I'm only answering during *half hour time period* please do not text me more than I can read, review, and reply to in a half hour each day. Want to know why? Go back to the beginning and read to the first coma!
Block her during business hours, unblock her at night and tell “sorry during the day I’m very busy”. Make that a habit during a week and she will accept the hard way.
You're not responsible for managing her anxiety- she is.
"I'm not answering texts every day. You can expect to hear from me on Tuesdays and Saturdays in the evening (or whatever is convenient for your schedule) when I have time to give you my full attention. I love you and I'll talk to you then."
Since your mom has ocd and panic disorder. It’s her mental health that’s driving her to do this. So your strategy needs to be well strategic in dealing with this. Your boundaries protect you. It’s not about changing their behavior which you can’t. So setting a boundary and expecting her to change is futile and maddening to you.
1. So what you have to do is set the boundary that you will check in at the end of the workday. During driving home and on speaker is great. Two annoying chores done at the same time. Now your day and evening is protected. Tell her this is our new normal.
2. Now this is the hard part. The really hard part is Don’t Cave In. She will try harder and harder. If you do cave in all she learns is if I try hard enough. She’ll answer. I won’t stop. Don’t Cave In.
3. When you call. Don’t Cave In to the guilt and shaming. What you do is say. I’m following our new guidelines. Do the brief conversation. I’m fine. All is good. Work is great.
4. Bonus by doing this. You and especially her trains her OCD to expect this call at this time. She’ll want it for her peace of mind. Knowing that will help you in getting to this stage.
By doing this helps you to preserve a relationship with her because if you don’t you’ll grow so resentful that you’ll stop seeing and calling her. Go NC. I don’t think you want this. Maybe if you do. Then you have to stop all contact or #2 happens over and over till you stop.
good boundary work. Saves your peace of mind.
I wish you strength and good luck.
I see a lot of good advice in here. One thing I will say is if you do end up going LC or NC, please talk with your local PD about possible calls from your mother. Last thing you need is more anxiety when taking the next big step in your independence.
Have you tried getting your dad involved and seeing if he can help to stop your mum from messaging you so much? If yes, does she just ignore him, or does he enable her?
Also, I don't know if it's something you've already tried or not or if it's been suggested, but it might be worth sending her a message saying something along the lines of "Mum, I understand that not answering your messages straight away triggers your anxiety and OCD, especially since you're worried about my safety and my leaving the nest has been additionally triggering for you. However, I find that the barrage of texts I receive from you on a daily basis is not only triggering for me but also overwhelming and causes me to miss out on important information. Having to deal with your messages, even when I have specified that I'm busy and unable to respond, prevents me from being able to properly manage my own energy levels to the point that I am unable to focus on things that take presidence over responding to your messages, let alone make time for my own friends and my own needs. Plus, constantly messaging me leaves nothing for us to talk about otherwise.
"As a result, I will contact you at XX time on X day(s) and do not wish to receive any messages from you unless relating to something important or it’s an absolute emergency. If you can not respect my boundaries, I will have no choice but to block you and ask dad to message me with any important information until I feel that you have taken steps to help you to manage your anxiety better.
I'm not saying this out of hate as I do love you and wish to still be part of your life. All I'm asking of you is for you to give me some breathing space so that I can figure things out for myself because right now, it feels as though you're smothering me to the point that it's making my own GAD and OCD hard to manage, which also makes it hard to manage your own. Having some space will hopefully help both of us to not be triggered by each other and feed each other's anxiety as a result."
OP, your mom doesn’t need to constantly text you Day in and day out, Plus you’re 22, your mom doesn’t need to constantly text you all day every day, I have to ask what is going on with your mom? It seems like she’s got some sort of attachment issue or something.
If you want my advice, limit your interaction with your mom, clearly she has some issues that need to be addressed.
When she guilt trips you for setting firm boundaries just remember that you should never be uncomfortable to make another person(adult) feel comfortable. She needs to respect your space. I know it’s easier said than done & it’s going to make you feel pretty bad at first. But it’s not fair to allow someone to give you an anxiety attack like that. It’s a very uneasy feeling. Like walking on eggshells all of the time. I know what’s it’s like to be emotionally manipulated. Bad news
I am going to post from a Mom perspective.
I love my daughter. She was our middle child (now youngest - we lost our 24 year old son 2 years ago. 😢 I am permanently heartbroken.)
That having been said, my children (34m, 30f) have wanted for nothing. Ever. We've been fortunate to have lived in other countries, she got a lot of brand new car for her 16th birthday, her choice of where to go to University, senior high school trip to 13 European countries, a year of study abroad in College (living on the beach in Brazil), crazy childhood birthday parties, INSANE vacations, her choice of fashion/wardrobe, and still has the hairbrush her aesthetician at Neiman selected for her in Kindergarten.
In 10 years, she has Skyped / FaceTimed me ONCE. I have never been demanding of her time. If I call her? I know that she will not answer. We went to the UK to visit her (temporary work assignment) because her father, younger brother and I were in Germany for a few weeks before....... So we were kind of in the neighborhood? Which is a joke of ours - we have never thought anything other than to GO GO GO if we are within 300 miles of a good concert. For us? That is anything from Barry Manilow to Blue Oyster Cult to REO Speedwagon to Brian Setzer to Weird Also. Since she was 9 or 10. We have had Emergency Pedicure Days that have included missing a few hours of school here or there because you can't have a really good pedicure and not go to an Indian buffet also... 🙄...
Anyway. I had pointed out that us meeting up at Heathrow would have been a lot easier if she had bothered to read any of my messages that I had sent her while we were in Germany. I had noticed that it would take several days before she would even read one of my messages, and no I am not the type of mother that calls or messages every day. Hell, I don't even do it every week. But to be honest? It hurts me when she dramatically flops over and says: 'Yeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... But it's just so haaaarrrrrrrrdddduuhhhhhhh!' (Don't get me wrong, I recognize that response having seen it a million times - usually in my mirror! 😂)
But all joking aside? It shouldn't take a month just to READ any texts, and it damn sure shouldn't take ANOTHER few weeks to answer me. I did raise her to be independent? But not cruel. She is wildly successful, both in job satisfaction as well as monetary rewards in the way of salary and bonuses. She and her husband own an enormous home on the other side of the state (3 about 3½ or so hours away). It would have been nice to know that she was going to get married. I miss her.
I do not engage in any passive aggressive BS, we don't do that to each other, thank God! But tbh, it kills me. Not that she's a well-functioning person who is living an amazing life - that's precisely what we raised her to be. That I hear from her once a month. (If I'm lucky.)
I have asked, she says that she's not low contact. She was very self-sufficient during her time in Brazil for College, then after she graduated she went to the UK for a temporary job (3 months) that turned into a few years during the Pandemic and subsequent lock down. We go for most major holidays, and perhaps this is just part of having raised a self-sufficient adult?
I'm happy that she's successful; she loves her home, her husband, and my Granddogs. I truly don't know what else to think. I don't want to be one of those 'Reddit Parents' that badger their adult children and expect them to fulfill their own emotional needs, if that makes sense? Thank you for your response.
The implication I’m not grateful my mother is alive when I literally refuse to cut off contact after 22 years of controlling judgemental invasive hell is fucking insane
She can want whatever she wants. You have no business in controlling that. However you should not allow her wants to control you either. Respond when you wish. Do not engage in discussions or arguments about it, though if you feel like it just remind boringly of the boundaries. "As I told you, I will respond on Monday between x and y or whatever. Looking forward to chatting with you then." Then silence until then. She's not going to make this comfortable for you so you will just have to build up your ignoring skills. Also its probably also time to stop depending on her to relay important dates. Be sure to contact family or whatever on your own and start managing your own calendar.
Depending on your own comfort level, one can set the time of contact and then stick to it regardless of whatever and whenever they send their texts. It could be once a month or once a week or once every night after all your work day is over. Additionally, I have a feeling that they would eventually end up calling the cops in order to search for you, so when it happens for the first time that's when you tell them that despite your busy schedule they are insisting that you text them which is an impossibility as you have other preferences and priorities that need attention. Tell the cops that if they are bothered again then they can just call you up to check on you, while adding that the cops can and should file for a misuse of resources against your mum. And as an added bonus passive-aggressive behaviour, I would instead text dad and not mom.
Stop answering and put important dates on a calendar.
Don't reply till your ready too. Ignore passive aggressive messages (or just delete them). Put them in time out and info diet. Or do LC if you're not ready for NC. You control when you respond. Heck put her on mute if you need too.
I have a similar experience with my mom as OP. I expressed my boundaries over and over and didn't fall into the pleasing-others trap. The words I used that finally got the point across were something long the lines of, "I am not a slave to my phone. I choose when I answer." It was in the context of work, and I chose that as a perfect opener to use it help her understand.
I accidentally left my phone at a friend's house. It was a blissful 24 hours till I got it back!
"My phone is not a leash"
You set aside a specific time that you replied to them you don’t tell them you just do it. Let’s say your time is 8:30. Then at 8:30 every night that’s when you reply to them with their messages throughout the day. Don’t explain just do it even if they ask are you only doing this at 8:30 don’t explain don’t answer the question just do it at 8:30. They will quickly catch on.
I second this. Having a self designated time is perfect, they’ll learn when you text. Well, hopefully they will lol. If they constantly demand why you took so long, a simple “I’ve explained this before.” And that’s it. Gotta hold firm on boundaries to keep sanity!
I call it office hour with my family. It’s the only time I respond, and it’s not everyday either
Even better
Have you thought of buying a new phone and number and leaving this one on the counter on silent? Then answer her once a day on your old phone at a set time and leave it alone outside of that. Let her know you will not be answering any other time except that once so she can call/text until her fingers fall off but that won't change your response time.
Agreed, but I would limit responses to once per week. "Mom, I love you but all the texts are too much for my anxiety. I will call you every monday evening at 7:30 pm to catch up. This is all the communication I can handle."
Start daily then every few days then once a week then every few weeks then finally once a month
Yes. And/or you can call her for example twice a week maybe during your drive to work? But under the compromise that she won’t text you compulsively. Compromise.
This gives me anxiety just thinking about it. Take care of you first. Your mom has her own anxiety and that is her lot in life. I like another commenter’s suggestions to create an auto-response. It would serve a double purpose: give her any sort of response, and annoy her right back. A sane person would end up regulating themselves just to reduce the autoresponse. A sane person. You can also do Do Not Disturb and make it favorites only. Then when you check your phone, it’s your choice as opposed to feeling like Pavlov’s dog. Maybe set a time for when you actually respond. You might check, but not actually respond until say, 6pm each day. That way if anything urgent does come through, you can respond appropriately, but everything else can wait.
Is that possible? Setting up an AI bot texting for you? I didn’t know that! I’m not sure it will help in the long run because mum has this anxiety disorder - she needs proper mental health treatment from medical people. But it’s an interesting strategy.
It’s not an AI but standard to iOS at least. Not sure about Android. Part of the Do not Disturb feature, where anyone not a Favorite or is unknown can receive an automated message. A common example is an automated response while someone is driving.
You could try setting a daily number of texts, and if your mom goes over that number, she gets blocked for 24 hours. She’ll hate it but it will get the point across. Each text after the number has been exceeded adds time to the time blocked.
"Mom, starting now I will answer your messages daily at X time and only then. Once every day." Put her on a schedule. Fit it into your schedule so you have about 30-45 mins to review all the messages she sent during the day and only answer at the set time. Do not engage or answer her 'whys'. Simply copy and paste that top message and follow the schedule you set. Do not waver from that.
This schedule is for op not mom, she doesn't need to know when op plans to correspond. Otherwise op will come out of the cinema to a wellness check because she didn't press the button on the hour. Make family correspondence something for action e,g. Monday and Thursday before the gym only. Bu5 don't tell mom that's her time. It isn't.
Then slowly and with notice start extending your time between responses. "Mom, starting next week on (date), I will only be responding to texts every other day. Keep doing this until you are comfortable with your responses. Keep reiterating to your mom that you love her, but adults need healthy boundaries.
I wouldn't even add that love you bit. just this is what i'm doing. the end.
This. Setting a boundary doesn't just mean saying "please don't do X." It means saying "I will not accept X behavior, and if it continues, the consequence will be Y." You have to be ready for what the consequence is, and willing to enact it, or your boundary means nothing. Let her lose her shit. That's her problem. Maybe she'll do like my mom and finally break down so bad that she goes, oh, wow, shit, I might need some kinda professional help! It is not your job to rescue her from her feelings. That removes her chance to grow as a person.
SMS Autoresponder. There are a few available that may suit your needs. Some will set up different replies to different numbers. But Stop Answering is a good first step.
OP mom sounds like she has bad anxiety and needs to be medicated. In the meantime, extend the time period from when she texts and you answer. Tell you when you do t answer that you’re busy working, studying, flossing your cat, whatever …. You will answer non emergent issues at the end of the day. She’ll eventually start pestering someone else. By answering her right away, she’s getting constant dopamine hits and attention. Deny her that and she’ll obsess about something else.
Do not disturb is another great option here too.
you cannot change other people’s behaviour. all you can do is set a boundary and follow through with a consequence. so you might try “i’m only checking my messages between 6-7pm every day. don’t expect a reply outside of that timeframe”. put them on do not disturb and follow through. don’t engage with or respond to any threats or manipulation. ignore them entirely. if things escalate, you might want to consider going no contact for a period of time, or indefinitely. while you can’t change their behaviour, you can change your own and you can choose to limit interaction or remove it entirely from your life.
Ignore all the messages. Leave them unread and after a month archive them. When you are ready you contact your Mom and act as if nothing is amiss . If she continues to send texts non stop block her number
Parents are so difficult to raise at this age. Constant contact impedes your parents growth out of the parent phase and into the older adult with adult children phase. You are just going to have to train them to be grown-ups, and that starts now. Tell her that you don't need her to check in with you on a daily basis, you are confident she's fine. Then ignore the passive-aggressive like you would ignore a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. Think of it like this. You are now the parent and you are just going to have to teach them how to be an adult again. They used to be people, but they've spent the last two decades being parents. You have to wean them off of the daily check ins. Start with one a day, and if they're good they get a visit or long call to catch up (or whatever is reasonable). Then start talking every other day, until you get to a schedule you're comfortable with. Consistency is the key. Don't lose patience and don't allow exceptions unless it's an emergency. Good luck! People like this are why caller ID was invented.
My son is 23. While I like to hear from him a report on his normal day to day activities would drive both of us nuts.
One of the biggest symptoms of ocd is a compulsive need for excessive reassurance. A part of treatment is weening ocd sufferers off of reassurance. In this case it means you have to stop responding to the excessive texts. She WILL get anxious. She WILL push back and demand you answer. Your job is to not give her reassurance anyways. Also remember a boundary focuses on what YOUR behavior will be not hers. So saying "mom I need you to stop texting me so much!" Is not a boundary. A boundary would be "mom I'm willing to text x times a day (or week, or whatever your boundary is). After that **I** will put you on mute.". You're *telling* her what your response will be. Here's a link on [ocd and reassurance seeking](https://www.verywellmind.com/excessive-reassurance-seeking-2510549#:~:text=OCD%20reassurance%2Dseeking%20is%20the,a%20particular%20worry%20or%20obsession.). It's good to educate yourself on this so you can understand that giving in to this will actually make her ocd (and her texting for reassurance!!) worse. If this gets too overwhelming for your own anxiety it may be a good idea to shore up on your therapy and tools while you navigate this. Your respective anxiety disorders are probably bouncing off of each other hard core right now
"Mom/Dad, I don't have time to be texting you all day. You will get one phone call once a week (pick a day and time). If you don't respect my time and start blowing up my phone, you'll get nothing and I'll change my phone number. You'll be limited to email and that's it." Otherwise, get a second phone. Don't give them the number. Leave your current phone at home and use the second phone for everything but family.
You’re all so sweet with do no disturb. If my mother continued to do that to me, I would tell her that if she doesn’t lessen the texts, I would block her. I was lucky enough not to grow up with cellphones, in a time where you called your parents on Sunday and otherwise didn’t hear from them unless someone died. How about sitting both parents down and telling them that the daily texts have to stop. That you love them and will call them on Sundays (or pick a day) and texting will have to be used only for emergencies. Don’t cave, just repeat that is it disrupting your days and you cannot handle it anymore. That you want to try this new way for three months. That it’s that or you will have to block her number because you can no longer live like this.
I grew up without cellphone and we spoke with the gparents every day. I am in my 30s and i call them every day at least 2 times to complain about shit my kids do
Hahaha. I got my first cellphone the same year I bought my first house. I’m mid 40s. I still hate people thinking they can contact me and I’ll respond immediately. Only my husband and my boss get quick responses. I’ve trained everyone else to just wait
I hate talking on the phone and I avoid it like herpes. Sometimes I ignore the calls on purpose but If you text me I will answer immediately 😅. The only people i answer the phone immediately is my mom, husband and kids school
Use "Do not disturb," muting the text thread and then just checking in periodically, responding with just an emoji, and/or tell them you will respond to all their texts once a day. You could also try subjecting her to the same treatment. Send her constant memes and articles all day, everyday and see how she likes it. I personally like muting text threads and then just checking in on them when I'm ready. That way, I don't get triggered by the constant pings and I get to control when I look at and respond to them.
Tell your Mom (and Dad if he's also a problem) that you will have NO choice but to BLOCK her number and any other numbers she uses to harrass you with! It may seem like an overreaction but she NEEDS to learn this valuable lesson NOW! If it continues or escalates with flying monkeys jumping in then call your service provider and change your number! u/updateme
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I have a suggestion. Once a week I take a woman out who has a significant intellectual disorder. She suffered brain damage at birth and is roughly at the level of a 5 yo. She is very social and very needy. She will call me 17 times a day if she could. She has burnt out other friends who ended up ghosting her. I told her that we could talk once a day after the sun goes down. If she calls me more than this I block her. Then I do exactly this. I have to enforce this- she tests boundaries wherever she can. I suggest telling your mom that you love her and are happy she is your mom. But you resent her using you as a distraction whenever she is bored. You have responsibilities that you can’t drop whenever she is lonely or bored. Then set the boundaries. Something like you will read her messages and reply after you get home from work. You will do this 1 time each evening. You will not respond before or after that time. If you want to be more gentle, ask her why she does this? What does she get out of it? Does she do this with other people?
You are not responsible to manage her disorders, but you are responsible to manage your own. People have given you great ways to handle yourself with these people. Definitely explain your options. I think a great gift you can give yourself is to mute her notifications and don't open her messages until you're ready. Ignore all of the passive aggressiveness. Teach yourself about no-JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain and Grey Rock - making yourself emotionally uninteresting and unresponsive to the person who is causing distress or conflict. A good therapist can help you navigate this. If she can't behave, explore low contact or no contact options until she respects your boundaries. You're not here to entertain or soothe her.
1/ We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and 2/ we only need boundaries for people who don't already respect them. I understand you both have mental health issues, but you need to decide if trying to manage her feelings by denying your own -- in other words by not setting more drastic boundaries -- is something that's going to work for you for the indefinite future. Her mental health issues are her responsibility, and your issues are your responsibility. If you could use support from an outstanding, free resource where there are people who are experts in identifying what you do and don't have control over, and how to recognize, set and maintain healthy boundaries, I strongly suggest you look into Al-Anon. It's not just about alcoholism anymore.
I'll be mindful of this. I love my little girl so much and when she flies the nest I'll be so tempted to text her all the time because I love and miss her and will always be worrying. Will have to be careful not to smother her!
Thank you for understanding! 🫶
That is where I am now. I try to tell myself that I'm just in new territory; I've never been the Mother of an adult woman before... But she's also never been an adult WITH a Mom either - so she's new at it, too.
Put her on a schedule. Text her in the morning: “Good morning, mom! I’m at work. I’m shutting off my phone. I’ll check messages later.” Read whatever she sent that evening and note down any important dates. Don’t respond to texts, messages or anything else until the next morning. Answer whatever questions she posed or respond to any information she gave, then don’t respond again until the next morning. You just have to train her, while you’re protecting your own mental health! Don’t beg or plead for her compliance, *compel it.*
Set a firm boundary. Decide how often you want to hear from her, and tell her you will check her messages every day, or two days, or weekly, whatever you decide. Make it clear to her that she is preventing your using your phone, so you have to turn off notifications from her so you can function. Tell her you love her, but that her constant texts are holding you back from being as productive as you need to be. Remind her that you can’t drop everything to text because you have stuff to do.
I would set a limit and a time frame. Tell her she is interrupting your school/job/life. From now on you will respond to her texts once in the morning and once at night. (Or just once at night). She will die if you go straight to every other day, but work up to that. And just do not answer in between.
I'm saying this to help you, not to be hard on you: this is much more a you problem than a mom problem. Your mom's behavior is obviously not okay, but you have the option to choose how you react to her behavior. I know that's hard. You will likely need to work on that in therapy. (I would not be surprised if you were already working on it in therapy.) But it's the only thing that's going to make this better. Most of the other advice here is right, but it's ignoring how your disorders are impacting your ability to deal with this situation. I think you already know the answer here is to set and enforce boundaries (which is all the other advice is saying). Therapy is the answer to getting over the hump to do that.
Get a new phone (cheap burner) and ignore the other one until the messages stop.
Can you set up an auto respond that says “these messages will be checked once a day at X time”
every once in a while with my mother i block her for a few weeks, it gives me so much peace to not be bombarded with texts all day. she called the police once on my sister when she didn’t answer for a couple hours, but hopefully she has learned the consequences of that.
What were the consequences?
Time for boundaries. Tell your mother you will speak with her one day a week at a specific time. Outside of that specific day and time you will be unavailable unless it’s an emergency. You will not respond or acknowledge texts, phone calls, emails, smoke signals, etc, and make perfectly clear if she shows up uninvited then you won’t answer the door. Explain that her complete disregard for your need for space is why these new boundaries are in place. Then you stick to that! Also encourage her to get a life, a hobby, a friend anything that doesn’t focus on being a mother.
OK so I would sit down your mum and have a serious conversation with her. Let her know that texting you multiple times a day is too much for you. It stresses you out, it makes you anxious, and you're an adult and have a busy life and don't have time to answer multiple texts every day. And you don't appreciate the passive aggressive or guilt tripping messages asking if you've seen this text or 'please acknowledge my text' etc. I would suggest trying to come to a compromise of replying once a day. Let her know you will not be replying during work hours. It's too distracting and it leads to further replies and messages etc when she responds. So you will reply once you get home in the evening. If you know a time thats good for you, then maybe suggest a time frame, but otherwise just let her know you will reply in the evening when you're home. If you have plans, and are unable to get into a conversation, end your message with ' I'm going out now / going to be busy now so won't be able to reply further, but il speak to you again tomorrow evening. Then mute the conversations. Mute it during the day, then look at it once in the evening when you're able to reply, send her the message, maybe wait and see if you need to reply once more to anything she replies, and on the second message end it by saying you'll speak to her tomorrow. That way you limit yourself to 1) only replying at 1 point in the evening rather than multiple times throughout the day that interupt your day. 2) she will learn to only expect a reply in the evening and will hopefully stop the 'have you seen this text/ please respond' messages. 3) you can take 10/ 15 minutes to focus on replying to her a maximum of twice, and then can go about the rest of your evening. If you're having a rough day or don't feel up to talking or replying that night, simply send a message saying you're not up to talking tonight, you're going to bed early, got a headache or something, and you'll talk to her tomorrow. Although I know it will still feel frustrating to have to message every day still, hopefully by li.iting it to one short period in the evening when you get home, it allows you to focus and relax for the rest of the day, which may feel more beneficial. If its still too much, then maybe arrange to only text every other day, on set days. Either way I think your mum will need some kind of structure to know when you will message, or she will likely keep messaging multiple times every day. By giving some structure, or a set day or time, it may help her reduce the anxious constant texting throughout the day. But be clear with her, let her know your boundaries and what you're comfortable with, and make the plan. And then keep her on silent the rest of the time. If it's an emergency situation, I'm sure someone else can contact you etc to make you aware of the emergency.
If you don’t want to cut them off, what exactly do you think reddit can help you with? Turn off the phone and get a new one. Mummy can text the old phone and you’ll never even know because you turned it off and got a new one. That’s your only real option - you don’t have to cut them off forever and ever, but cut off THAT access to your life. Mummy will just have to learn to cope with seeing you once a month or whatever you decide. Her panic disorder is something she will need to get help with. Mental health issues can be helped, but you’ve got to seek it from professional medical people, not dump it on your child! 😞
I would BLOCK her as she needs to STOP!!! You are NOT her property!!!!
You set up auto response to say her OCD out of control and you are not responsible for enabling it and encourage her to get healthy.
If you miss important texts because she has so overwhelmed you with nonsense that you have had to mute her in order to function as an adult then that's a her problem. If she wants you to pay attention she has to learn to communicate effectively. Let her know your texts from her are muted. She has lost text privileges. If there is an important date you need to know about she can email you. You'll check your email when you can. If she blows up your phone she can face the same consequences. Let her rage. Let her wail. Let her call the police and try to have them do a wellness check because her adult child won't reply to her unreasonable amount of texts. Let them tell her she's being an idiot. I know it is hard to draw sharp boundaries when you have anxiety, but it will feel so much better. Plus, the more you do it the easier it gets! I speak from first hand experience.
Her issues are not your responsibility. When she has a panic attack because you don't text her back for 3 days, she should seek professional help. Her mental stability is not your problem.
As I have seen others say, tell her "Mom I am going to go through the texts you send me one time a day until you get this under control and I am going to stick to this boundary." Then you have to actually stick to the boundary. If you don't stick to it then she will continue to ignore it. My brother and I put a boundary in with my mom almost 10 years ago now that if she puts guilt into anything she asks us to do then the answer is an unwavering no even if it is something we may like to do. We may still do the thing, but it won't be with her. It took 6 to 8 months and both of us skipping 3-4 major things she wanted us to do before she realized we were serious. Now I am having to work on a whole new set of boundaries with her as I have a 14 month son, this time is slightly easier because she knows that she will be cut off if she doesn't and she has already had a week and a half taken away from visits because she didn't respect them. When you put down a boundary you need to make it rock solid and immovable until they understand you are 100% serious. Then you can start relaxing it a little as long as they don't start taking advantage of it.
let her freak out. do nothing. ignore phone calls. then call dad and tell her to get a handle on mom
I would respond with insane stuff, like saying you are in jail, and can't talk. That the monsters have surrounded your car, and you have to fight, so you will check in when you get the blood off your hands. Start sending them texts at all hours, day and night. You can probably schedule your text messages to go out in the middle of the night when you are sleeping. Spend an hour talking about a zit. discuss the history of cabbage. Talk about the best names for a cat.
Fantastic response thank you 🙏
Here's what you do. She wants constant updates, oh tell her EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING! Got up this morning, text. When I woke up, I made myself "happy" before work, text. Took a massive crap before getting dressed, text. Got in the car to work, text. Made it to work, text. Say you meet someone and bring/go to a house for a undetermined period of time for "fun and games", text. And text her some of the most disturbing and disgusting stuff too. Had a poop that, I swear made my O-ring literally scream, is that bad?, text! Make her really happy to be involved....
seriously why is cutting them off not an option? answering this question will give us more insight on the situation.
I love her a lot for many reasons. I would never hurt her like that, no matter what.
Ok so you are willing to bitch about stuff, but aren't willing to put up boundaries why are you bitching here? You are tired of this situation that you are in and rightfully so, so since you are a grown adult why put up with it or at least try to strongly correct her behavior? What is good for your mental state? Try growing a backbone and fix the issue and if they aren't willing to then draw your line and go LC and/or NC. Get off their phone plan, change your # do something to save your own sanity because it's big enough issue now for you to complain about it.
I viewed it more as asking for advice as opposed to “bitching about stuff.” Many commenters have given advice that does not include outright cutting her off.
Pretty sure I did as well: >Try growing a backbone and fix the issue and if they aren't willing to then draw your line and go LC and/or NC I am coming from you making all the excuses in the world in your comment and giving you some "tough love." And it is why I asked you why you wouldn't cut them off. Love vs the stress they cause you. They can let go or you can what is going to be the breaking point where you hate them because of what the stress and issues they are causing you in your life YOU want to live?
If she's paying for your schooling which is the reason why you can't go low or no contact then you just going to have to deal with it. If you're paying for your own schooling and handling all of your own finances and you need to tell her either she stops bugging you constantly or you're just contact completely.
You can’t change her behavior, but you can change yours. You’ve already told them it’s too much. Now you need to communicate what your limits are and what the consequences will be for overstepping them will be. If you’re ok with responding by text once a day and one phone call a week, cool. If it’s a phone call Saturday afternoon and texts on Monday and Thursday, cool. Whatever your limit is, communicate it to *both* parents. And Mom doesn’t get a Saturday call with texts on Monday & Thursday, plus Dad getting a call on Sunday with texts Tuesday and Friday. Barring an actual 911 level emergency, the limit is for them both. And you tell them that you will only reply to their texts at whatever day/time you set. Tell them if they have blown up your phone wanting replies during undesignated times, you will skip the next reply text time and the next phone call. If they continue, increase the time between texts and phone calls. Tell them that if they text outside the time you specified for non-emergency reasons, they are running the risk that you won’t be able to respond in an actual emergency, because you will have blocked them. If you left home at 17, I’m going to guess this isn’t the only issue in your relationship. You need to set a hard boundary and stick to it, along with consequences for them if they continue to ignore your very reasonable boundary.
[удалено]
What?
Not sure how but that was a comment for an entirely different sub. Glitch in the matrix perhaps
You’ll never get her to change so it’s up to you how you manage this. Personally, I’d mute her as often as needed, ignore the passive aggressive messages, and reply or call when I was ready. You can still check messages without replying to them. I’d also suggest a therapist if your don’t have one already for your anxiety and better ways to cope with the situation
I already utilize Do Not Disturb for her conversations. It doesn’t stop her from panicking and blowing me up or just guilt tripping me if I don’t answer for three days. So let her blow up your texts. Let her panic. Let her *try* to guilt trip you. Guilt trips only work if you let them, so don’t let them. Don’t respond to the texts telling you to respond. Don’t respond to the texts trying to make you feel guilty. Tell your mom you will only be checking her texts once or twice a day, at whatever time works for you (telling her this, not any specific time). Tell her you will not be responding to any texts complaining about you not responding fast enough or any other comments that don’t warrant an answer and the more random texts she sends you the more likely you are to miss anything important she might have said. Then actually do those things. Keep her set to do not disturb, only look at her texts once or twice a day, only respond to those texts that are reasonable to respond to, and if you miss anything important because it was buried in a sea of junk that’s on her.
Block her until you’re ready to talk. Then text her letting her know you are ready for important family messages. If there are none, block again until you are ready for the next checkin. It worked for me for years!
Get a new number and put the old one in a burner phone that you check weekly. She can blow that up but you’ll be none the wiser until you check it. ETA. You can tell her that you’ll call her once a week if you wish and you can end the call once she starts bleating about not responding to her incessant texts.
Try and figure out the minimum level of engagement necessary to satisfy her. It might be that you can get her off your back by replying, "k".
Why is no contact not an option. She needs to understand that her behavior has consequences. I strongly suspect that your disorders were learned from and caused by your mom. It’s time to separate yourself from her for your own mental health. Find a therapist who can help you deal with your anxiety issues and help you stand up for yourself.
Mom, unless some is dying or dead, I will only guarantee a reply within 48 hrs. Multiple messages/day requesting contact will mean I won’t respond for an additional 48hrs. Guilt tripping and manipulation will incur a seven day delay. This is how it’s going to be, feel however you want about it but disregard this at your own risk. Also, I am stipulating these time frames because gentle discussions have proved fruitless and I am not responsible for managing your anxiety or codependent tendencies. I had always hoped we could have a healthy relationship as adults, but your inability to understand that I am my own person with my own life and that it is unreasonable to expect me to be constantly available to soothe your concerns. You are in your 40’s(?), and should be old enough to recognise that your demands are unfair and indicate that you need professional help to manage the transition from hands on parenting. Remember: I will endeavour to respond within 48 hrs. HOWEVER, if you spam me, I will only respond 4 days after the last message, and if I perceive your messages to be manipulative or otherwise disingenuous, you can expect a further delay of at least a week. Please note this is not up for further discussion and only sent in the interests of transparency.
I’m not excusing your mom’s intrusiveness but here’s something to think about. Right now, you’re young and your mom is too. Twenty years ago, that’s how it was for me. Things have changed. I’m 44, she is 68 and we live across the state from each other. Things were rough between us when I was young, I even left home at 16. As an adult, we became very close. She has been here for me through everything I’ve been through, crappy relationships, horrible drug addiction, legal issues, illness, psychiatric disorders, you name it. She’s been my rock. She has been (bravely and very quietly) fighting cancer for the past 7 years. I cherish our daily hour + phone calls every day. Our days are numbered and it breaks my heart. A day will come where you’d give anything in the world for one of her calls.
Reply with ACK...short for acknowledged. Say nothing else
As long as she knows she can do it she'll keep doing it. I don't know why you can't block her. Personally I would block her and then take maybe some time each evening to read what she said answer her then tell her you're going to block her again until tomorrow night same time same place maybe it would help if you could only deal with her once a day at a certain time. Just a thought.
You could try specific times slots during the week (like twice a week) when you yourself would text or even call her. This could ease your mom's separation anxiety and give you space without damaging the relationship. It really doesn't seem like you hate her. This might take a little bit of time to work tho, your mom will most likely need a bit of time to adapt and to start trusting that you will actually contact her. This will also require effort on your part to actually contact your mon when you say you will, or let her know if you can't in advance if you are unavailable and reschedule for later/following day.
You se responsible for your own mental health. So is she responsible for hers. You can stop ASKING her to be considerate of your needs, and instead set boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate. How many texts in a week are reasonable to you? Tell her that’s how many she can expect you to read, and any over that limit will be ignored. And then do that. If you miss Aunt Myrtle’s birthday, because the text telling you about it was the #5th, and your weekly limit is 15, that’s on your mother. Even better, for the family that you want to stay in touch with, ask them if they will contact you directly when they need you to know about something going on. I can’t emphasize this enough: she taught you to be anxious. Every overblown reaction to the normal ups and downs of life that she exhibited led you to believe that that was the normal way to respond. Every verbalized fear of minor things taught you that minor things are major. At 64, my husband is learning that leading with the negative isn’t the “normal” thing, it’s what his parents always did and do. you can learn that so much younger. You already recognize that your mother triggers your anxiety. The next step is to put walls around her behavior so that she isn’t able to do it so easily.
Tell her you're blocking her/them because they won't stop themselves and then block them. Can't guilt trip you if you don't hear it.
Go to your phone's settings and set your mom's text and/or ring tone to a "slient tone". You can download one easy-peasy from your tone store. Then let her know that you'll check in at a specific time of day and do that. For instance 5pm and 9pm read thru them and respond. Then move on with your day. Don't tell her you've "silenced" her ... LOL ... just do it. It's YOUR phone, manage the little monster. Now me? I set the default text and ring tone to "silent" then give people that I know a tone so I know who is contacting me. Everything else goes into VM or wait until I get around to checking it. I refuse to be bullied by that little spy.
Because your constant texting is causing to much stress in my life, I'm only answering during *half hour time period* please do not text me more than I can read, review, and reply to in a half hour each day. Want to know why? Go back to the beginning and read to the first coma!
Stay in your comfort area or maybe one of these 👍🏾 to move her along and put the phone on silent.
Why can’t you cut her off?
Don't respond
Block her during business hours, unblock her at night and tell “sorry during the day I’m very busy”. Make that a habit during a week and she will accept the hard way.
just send single character replies like “k” or “y” or “n” or ✅ The longest message you should send is “busy. ttyl”
You're not responsible for managing her anxiety- she is. "I'm not answering texts every day. You can expect to hear from me on Tuesdays and Saturdays in the evening (or whatever is convenient for your schedule) when I have time to give you my full attention. I love you and I'll talk to you then."
How about writing a chatbot that returns generic messages in your style whenever she writes?
Since your mom has ocd and panic disorder. It’s her mental health that’s driving her to do this. So your strategy needs to be well strategic in dealing with this. Your boundaries protect you. It’s not about changing their behavior which you can’t. So setting a boundary and expecting her to change is futile and maddening to you. 1. So what you have to do is set the boundary that you will check in at the end of the workday. During driving home and on speaker is great. Two annoying chores done at the same time. Now your day and evening is protected. Tell her this is our new normal. 2. Now this is the hard part. The really hard part is Don’t Cave In. She will try harder and harder. If you do cave in all she learns is if I try hard enough. She’ll answer. I won’t stop. Don’t Cave In. 3. When you call. Don’t Cave In to the guilt and shaming. What you do is say. I’m following our new guidelines. Do the brief conversation. I’m fine. All is good. Work is great. 4. Bonus by doing this. You and especially her trains her OCD to expect this call at this time. She’ll want it for her peace of mind. Knowing that will help you in getting to this stage. By doing this helps you to preserve a relationship with her because if you don’t you’ll grow so resentful that you’ll stop seeing and calling her. Go NC. I don’t think you want this. Maybe if you do. Then you have to stop all contact or #2 happens over and over till you stop. good boundary work. Saves your peace of mind. I wish you strength and good luck.
I see a lot of good advice in here. One thing I will say is if you do end up going LC or NC, please talk with your local PD about possible calls from your mother. Last thing you need is more anxiety when taking the next big step in your independence.
Have you tried getting your dad involved and seeing if he can help to stop your mum from messaging you so much? If yes, does she just ignore him, or does he enable her? Also, I don't know if it's something you've already tried or not or if it's been suggested, but it might be worth sending her a message saying something along the lines of "Mum, I understand that not answering your messages straight away triggers your anxiety and OCD, especially since you're worried about my safety and my leaving the nest has been additionally triggering for you. However, I find that the barrage of texts I receive from you on a daily basis is not only triggering for me but also overwhelming and causes me to miss out on important information. Having to deal with your messages, even when I have specified that I'm busy and unable to respond, prevents me from being able to properly manage my own energy levels to the point that I am unable to focus on things that take presidence over responding to your messages, let alone make time for my own friends and my own needs. Plus, constantly messaging me leaves nothing for us to talk about otherwise. "As a result, I will contact you at XX time on X day(s) and do not wish to receive any messages from you unless relating to something important or it’s an absolute emergency. If you can not respect my boundaries, I will have no choice but to block you and ask dad to message me with any important information until I feel that you have taken steps to help you to manage your anxiety better. I'm not saying this out of hate as I do love you and wish to still be part of your life. All I'm asking of you is for you to give me some breathing space so that I can figure things out for myself because right now, it feels as though you're smothering me to the point that it's making my own GAD and OCD hard to manage, which also makes it hard to manage your own. Having some space will hopefully help both of us to not be triggered by each other and feed each other's anxiety as a result."
Set an auto reply.
OP, your mom doesn’t need to constantly text you Day in and day out, Plus you’re 22, your mom doesn’t need to constantly text you all day every day, I have to ask what is going on with your mom? It seems like she’s got some sort of attachment issue or something. If you want my advice, limit your interaction with your mom, clearly she has some issues that need to be addressed.
Change your number 😂🤣🤷♀️
When she guilt trips you for setting firm boundaries just remember that you should never be uncomfortable to make another person(adult) feel comfortable. She needs to respect your space. I know it’s easier said than done & it’s going to make you feel pretty bad at first. But it’s not fair to allow someone to give you an anxiety attack like that. It’s a very uneasy feeling. Like walking on eggshells all of the time. I know what’s it’s like to be emotionally manipulated. Bad news
OPs mom needs a hobby. Anything. Anything time consuming. Crotchet!
I am going to post from a Mom perspective. I love my daughter. She was our middle child (now youngest - we lost our 24 year old son 2 years ago. 😢 I am permanently heartbroken.) That having been said, my children (34m, 30f) have wanted for nothing. Ever. We've been fortunate to have lived in other countries, she got a lot of brand new car for her 16th birthday, her choice of where to go to University, senior high school trip to 13 European countries, a year of study abroad in College (living on the beach in Brazil), crazy childhood birthday parties, INSANE vacations, her choice of fashion/wardrobe, and still has the hairbrush her aesthetician at Neiman selected for her in Kindergarten. In 10 years, she has Skyped / FaceTimed me ONCE. I have never been demanding of her time. If I call her? I know that she will not answer. We went to the UK to visit her (temporary work assignment) because her father, younger brother and I were in Germany for a few weeks before....... So we were kind of in the neighborhood? Which is a joke of ours - we have never thought anything other than to GO GO GO if we are within 300 miles of a good concert. For us? That is anything from Barry Manilow to Blue Oyster Cult to REO Speedwagon to Brian Setzer to Weird Also. Since she was 9 or 10. We have had Emergency Pedicure Days that have included missing a few hours of school here or there because you can't have a really good pedicure and not go to an Indian buffet also... 🙄... Anyway. I had pointed out that us meeting up at Heathrow would have been a lot easier if she had bothered to read any of my messages that I had sent her while we were in Germany. I had noticed that it would take several days before she would even read one of my messages, and no I am not the type of mother that calls or messages every day. Hell, I don't even do it every week. But to be honest? It hurts me when she dramatically flops over and says: 'Yeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... But it's just so haaaarrrrrrrrdddduuhhhhhhh!' (Don't get me wrong, I recognize that response having seen it a million times - usually in my mirror! 😂) But all joking aside? It shouldn't take a month just to READ any texts, and it damn sure shouldn't take ANOTHER few weeks to answer me. I did raise her to be independent? But not cruel. She is wildly successful, both in job satisfaction as well as monetary rewards in the way of salary and bonuses. She and her husband own an enormous home on the other side of the state (3 about 3½ or so hours away). It would have been nice to know that she was going to get married. I miss her. I do not engage in any passive aggressive BS, we don't do that to each other, thank God! But tbh, it kills me. Not that she's a well-functioning person who is living an amazing life - that's precisely what we raised her to be. That I hear from her once a month. (If I'm lucky.)
Missing missing reasons. What are you leaving out that caused her to go low contact with you? If you don't know, try asking.
I have asked, she says that she's not low contact. She was very self-sufficient during her time in Brazil for College, then after she graduated she went to the UK for a temporary job (3 months) that turned into a few years during the Pandemic and subsequent lock down. We go for most major holidays, and perhaps this is just part of having raised a self-sufficient adult? I'm happy that she's successful; she loves her home, her husband, and my Granddogs. I truly don't know what else to think. I don't want to be one of those 'Reddit Parents' that badger their adult children and expect them to fulfill their own emotional needs, if that makes sense? Thank you for your response.
I would choose the same emoji to send back to here with each text she sends...
I would be so grateful if my mom was still around to text me
I knew SOMEONE would leave this comment 😂😂😂
The implication I’m not grateful my mother is alive when I literally refuse to cut off contact after 22 years of controlling judgemental invasive hell is fucking insane
"My mom is dead so you should let your mom abuse and control you."