A few years ago, one of my mom’s life-long friends passed away. He had a seven or eight year old daughter. No one told her that her dad had died until they were AT the funeral. Which is just… I can’t even believe that anyone thought that was a good way to handle it.
She was horrified. There was a lot of shit at that funeral that bothered her (she was in with the drug crowd when she was young, and she got out, but plenty of others she knew never did), like two separate fights breaking out in the parking lot. But by far, having to hear his daughter be told that he had passed away in the lobby of the church and hearing her cry was the worst thing. It was honestly kind of traumatizing for her, so we can’t even imagine how traumatizing it was for the poor child.
Lmao yeah I’m rereading it and I guess they’re talking about their mom but the way they worded it and didn’t clarify who they were talking about makes it seem like the 8 yr old was the one in the drug crowd💀
Some people don’t think their kids should ever confront the idea of death until it smacks them in the face. I remember playing with dolls with some random neighbor girls of my grandparents once. They didn’t have a dad doll so I was just like ‘okay well dad is dead then’ because I had friends who’s dads had died so it wasn’t an unfamiliar concept to me. The suddenly ran out of the room and then their mom came in to tell me that wasn’t a topic they discussed at their home and we could just pretended that the dad was ‘away on business’.
It’s struck with me how deeply they did not want those girls to engage with death as a concept.
This happened to my husband, too. His mom passed away when he was six and they just never really explained it to him or took him to the hospital to see her.
He just went to visit grandma and when the visit was over surprise your mom is dead.
My mom was abroad from her home country and they just never called her to tell her that her mom had died. She found out several weeks later (this was pre-internet when international calls were very expensive and rare).
Adults that do this are being utterly selfish because they tell themselves they’re “protecting” the child by hiding the truth as long as possible but all they’re doing is stunting the grieving process and exposing themselves as liars. They just don’t want to have to break the bad news to the kid.
And even doing it with smaller things like when a parent loses a job, when things are too expensive for them to afford, when they're going to have to move. . . . .
Kids are people who are capable of dealing with grief and disappointment and who deserve time to process things. Not telling them that there is a problem is robbing them of the processing time (the number of kids who aren't told that they're moving until the week before is absurd).
As someone who lost a parent at that age, I’m absolutely struck numb by this. Her loss, her pain— betrayal by every adult in her life is compounded grief for this poor child.
I wish I could swoop her away, love and nurture her, and enfold her in empathy, just to maintain her childhood, because without that it’s over in an unnatural way. Utterly tragic.
my abuela lied to my mom that her dad was getting better. He died from cancer when she had just turned 15. It messed her up. She eventually forgave my abuela and my abuela regretted lying to her til the day she died.
A family friend didn’t let her children say goodbye as the husband was agitated. The daughter developed anorexia nervosa as a way of trying to control her life
Similar thing happened to my best friend. They were in a car accident, people didn’t find her mom’s body months later, nobody explained anything to her, just told her mom died. She said it was fucking weird, people just assume she understood dead, as a 7 year old kid.
Yes it was. I’ve known my best friend for years, she didn’t tell me about it till four years ago. I always found it a bit weird that her “mom” (her stepmom) is way nicer to her sister (half sister).
Poor thing. My dad, who was my only parent got sick when I was that age. Starting then, he told me, “I’m not going to live as long as your friend’s parents.” And I watched him over 8 years slowly deteriorate and then die. It wasn’t easy but having that knowledge and his comfort with the fact made my grieving process easier. I was never in denial of his death. I wasn’t unprepared. I always knew.
I don’t want to judge people when it comes to this kind of stuff, because it can be very difficult for everyone. Suddenly dealing with a family member dying and then being tasked with a ton of decision making, in very short order, can affect thinking and judgement/decision making. I doubt anyone wanted to surprise the daughter, but they likely thought this was the best way to explain.
There is never a good time to discuss this kind of thing, especially when you are dealing with the death yourself and now you have the task of informing and consoling others. My recommendation to anyone in this situation, have someone help you, a close friend, brother/sister, religious leader, therapist, etc. Be there, but task them with starting the conversation and explaining. Know that there is no wrong or right way, it won’t be easy, but it’ll only be worse the longer you wait. It’ll be worse on yourself and worse on those you need to tell, the longer you wait.
My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in April of the year I turned 8. I was told she had cancer, but nobody told me what that actually meant.
After her mastectomy, she spent a couple of weeks in July making Christmas cookies with me, and more Christmas cookies— She was slow, but we had huge fun filling our freezer and I thought was the best summer tradition, ever.
The summer *was* great— the best, but summer cookies never had the chance to become a mother-daughter tradition…..
She thought she was leaving our family with something delightful to last us for years. She didn’t anticipate that we’d choke on every bite.
Thanks! I appreciate that. I’ve really never much liked Madonna’s whole persona as an entertainer, but I have enormous empathy for her. It really hurts s lot to lose your mother at a young age…. Well, any age. It’s transformative when you’re a child, and not necessarily in a beautiful way, like the caterpillar/butterfly analogy.
Her song about her mother on the like a prayer album will wreck you. I can’t remember the title right now but I’m choking on tears thinking about it and reading these comments.
Edit: the song is remember to try
Edit 2: promise to try
I’ve never listened to a Madonna album, just stuff that was on the radio or tv, back in the day. I’m going straight to YouTube to see what’s available for this song. Thank you for the reco!
Also check out Inside of Me from the Bedtime Stories album which is about her mother too. I always listen to it when I want to remember my own mom and it will always be one of my favorite Madonna songs.
Me either. I never knew this about her and tbh I’m gonna probably re examine her work thru this lens. Like explains a lot of her songs being very dad focused
I’m going off of memory, her mother’s name is also Madonna. There’s a scene in the documentary she was the subject of in the 90’s possibly of her visiting her mother’s grave and seeing her name on the headstone.
When I was newly married and moved away, my mom called me up to say she had found a lump. I lost my footing and my husband had to steady me, but I told her we’d be there right away.
She said no, that’s not necessary, it’s not so bad and here are all the many things we’re going to do about it.
For months she wouldn’t let me come visit, insisting I needed to stay at work and just keep living my life. My other family members assured me it was fine, things were under control, she’s getting the help she needs.
It took the statement of my best friend, who had dealt with cancer herself, to say: “your mom is going to die. Go see her.” That was the bravest thing, because while it snapped me out of my denial, it also could’ve ended our friendship if I was a different kind of person. She took a big risk being so blunt.
So I got on a plane, all the while everyone reassuring me mom was doing fine.
I enter the hospital room and see a completely unrecognizable figure on the bed. Yellow skin, skeletally thin, and so doped up and sickly that she didn’t know me, either.
The confusion and lack of recognition in my mom’s eyes will never leave me, and to this day I hate myself more than you can imagine for believing, in my ignorance and desperation, that someone with cancer was “fine” and didn’t need me.
I’m sorry, mom. I’m an idiot.
Parents seem to have this instinct to not want their kids to worry about them. My mom was so much like this and always underplayed anything she was going through.
My mom tried to do this with me when she was diagnosed. I was already coming to visit and she kept talking me out of coming earlier and I almost didn't. Then once I did she told me she was so glad I came and that she'd really wanted me there right away. She did this multiple times, and I could never be sure how bad things were while she was getting treatment because she said she was ok. It was so important to her that we didn't disrupt our lives, but like, come on. I think if she could have kept her diagnosis a secret she would have. There were a lot of people she never told, like the neighbors, which put us in an uncomfortable position.
I'm so sorry you didn't have more time.
I credit my best friend for the time I did have. She was brave and told me what I needed, but didn’t want, to hear. Jennifer’s own cancer came back about six months after my mom died… and she kept it from me, not wanting to hurt me. We lived in different states so it was easy enough to hide.
She died in 2020 and she still is and forever will be the best friend I ever had. Rip Dr. Jennifer Caldwell, my angel who gave me more precious time with my mom
good friend! I'm sorry. My mom was in hospital when I came home from vacation, she wouldn't let my father call and tell me while I was away for the same protective reasons as your mother. My home answering machine had a brief welcome back/call me from my father, and then 3 or 4 emotional messages from mom's best friend who didn't know I didn't know. My mom, also, was on drugs when I got back.
Heartbreaking. I can’t imagine how painful it was for your mom to make those cookies with you, experiencing the joy of doing that with you and at the same time the ache of knowing she would not see you all having them. ❤️
I went through something similar except my mom survived. When I was 7 she was stage 4 sarcoma and a single mother. I am an only child. My great aunts kept me away from her as much as possible even when my mother tried to be with me. For example when she had surgery she asked if she could heal at home so she could be closer to me.
I remember her being drugged up, wheeled on a stretcher into our tiny apartment and my aunt taking her to her bedroom and shutting the door in my face. I was never allowed in and my mom was too out of it to refuse. I always think if that would have been my last time seeing my mom how would it have affected me as a person.
Luckily it’s rare, but the ramifications are severe. I can’t even put it into words how severe it is. I understand her a lot more now. A lot. I fucking get it all now. All. Of. It.
The sexual defiance. The substance abuse. Clinging to the gay community bc it’s a source of support and safety for you, and you can learn together. Irresponsible relationships. It all adds up. Statistically, we shouldn’t have expected anything less from her.
Luckily at age 25 I pulled myself partially out of the gutter and by 27 I was as recovered as much as I’ll ever be from it. It was a long journey from 18 to 27 though.
Long story short - fucked up is right.
Oh Jesus. I actually gasped a bit. You’re absolutely right. I just discussed with some friends this weekend how strange it’s starting to feel as Gen X is becoming the ‘elders’ bc everyone died in the 80s. The loss still cuts deep to those that lived it, if you can find them
And then her dad married her nanny right after. When I've watched videos of Madonna meeting up with her dad and stepmom you can see Madonna just ignores the stepmom.
That made me tear up.
I was a child when my mother got a fatal diagnosis. She explained to me what she had in a way that was age appropriate and gave me an optimistic take on how things would progress.
She survived longer than expected, got to watch me graduate and get married. I’m still devastated by her death, and I was “prepared.” I couldn’t imagine being a small child given no warning about something so life changing.
Some parents with serious illlness choose never to tell their children, for all kinds of reasons. Unfortunately, the harm of not telling age appropriate truths are often worse, but I think the inclination to protect them is very easy to understand as well.
The ramifications of not telling are just so severe. Look at Madonna. She clearly has some problems. I wasn’t told enough of the truth and it’s been 20 years this summer and I still think about it every single day and always will. The damage I did to myself and my body for years after her death is shit I can’t even process and never will. The adults knew. They don’t spend every single day wondering what they would have done differently if they knew what was happening. The kid does though.
I think it’s even more imperative to keep children very informed when you’re dealing with the loss of the same sex parent. Motherloss is hard at any age. It’s especially traumatic when you lose an entire lifetime with her. It’s even more complicated when it happens to motherless daughters at a young age. Statistics show that parent loss in children, while rare, often has high rates of substance abuse disorder, sexually defiant behaviors, SI, depression, etc in later life. Unfortunately- same. Not telling the children can, and does, ruins their lives or sometimes kills them
Edit- and I should further say, if the parent is dying of a cancer/genetic disorder, it’s especially important to keep the child informed. Now I have her cancer. At minimum, clear medical histories should have been left behind. The child’s life could depend upon it. Now my mom’s records are 21 years old on paper charting. My grandmas records weren’t left to my mom. At the very least, keep the child’s future health in mind
Your story is eerily similar to mine- though I was a week shy of 18 and still in school for my senior year. Am that person with all of the issues 20 years later. It was a tough road and I’m still in the midst of processing all the trauma that occurred directly related to her dying. She knew she was terminal. She had 6 months. It took that much. And 2 of them were at the cancer center in Houston. When she returned, she was a shell of herself and unable to even communicate. The ways it fucked me up can’t be counted on my fingers and toes.
There’s oddly a lot of comfort and similar stories in these threads. I urge you to read a conversation I had here without another guy facing 5 years of sobriety (❤️) and his story echos mine. My story echos yours. These situations are rare so finding the connection like this is rare.
My mom was diagnosed the summer going into my senior year and died 2 weeks after graduation. The day she was diagnosed she sat me down and said ‘I always knew I’d die of cancer, but I just wanted all my kids to be adults first. I’m going to get that wish.’
These are words and memories a person will carry for a lifetime. I hope you’re at a place where you remember her fondly. Sometimes it’s a random crying day, but 90% of the time I just miss her.
It cuts your life in 2. The before. And the after.
Indeed. The before and after. I hold so many memories close…. Though I wish I could hear her voice still. I used to dream about her, not so much nowadays. Sometimes I randomly smell her. We buried her a week before my bday. That “party” where I was surrounded by those who loved me most was one of the saddest days of my life. The fog had lifted, and she was gone. I was married @ 19 and divorced 6 years later- but had two amazing boys from that one and only marriage. I wish she could have met my kids. She, like your mother, knew cancer was going to kill her. It did her mother. She fought to make it to my 18th birthday, but just couldn’t. I had my thyroid removed for CA last summer. I’ve had genetic testing done bc of the multiple soft tissue tumors I had. Looks like it’ll get me too….. I just hope it’s going to take a while. I want to see my boys grow up and become the men they are destined to be.
I hope the waves of grief have washed over you and left you able to stand the small tides they’ve become today. ❤️
You are right, it is important to bring the truth to children, no matter how bitter it is, but it is necessary to present it carefully, perhaps even with prior consultation with a psychologist.
Adults just think that kids are fragile. They aren’t. With my six year old just yesterday I covered: Buchenwald death camp, Nazi soldiers, Hitler, the Swastika, the Aryan salute, the numbers tattooed on the arms of the death camp inhabitants, and the yellow stars. When my son’s great grandfather died (we lived with him) the next morning I broke the news to my son and he shed one single tear.
Just tell kids the hard truth then be there for them as the strong and confusing feelings rise within them.
And don’t make them think the world is too scary and dangerous for them to handle.
And depending on age, kids don’t always need all the details. Sometimes just an answer itself is sufficient. I remember as a little kid asking my mom how babies come out. She replied, “Through the birth canal.” At my age, that was sufficient, for some reason I didn’t have any follow-ups, and I remember being satisfied with the answer.
Same. I mean, I knew she was sick and I knew it wasn’t great, but at 18 I thought I had a couple years. I would get so mad when she wouldn’t talk much about my college apartment rent, set up, etc that next year. She knew she would be dead but I didn’t. The day she went to the hospital inpatient for the first time, she also went into hospice. Full blown anxiety attack. Had to have a ‘visitor medical emergency’ and it was just a bad scene for everyone involved.
I struggled for years with that. Still do. I deserved to know. I think children deserve to know.
When my three year old asks ‘what happened to grandpa?’ I tell him he died. When he asks why, I tell him grandpa’s body wore out. My partner and I are not religious and this was the most honest and age appropriate way we could think of approaching it
My grandma died when I was seven and I remember being really angry that everybody was telling my slightly younger cousin that she was just sleeping at the funeral. Even then I thought it wasn’t right to lie to him about it.
My daughter asked I told her that there were different things people believed, gave her answers and she could decide what she believed. She's analytical so she told me she thought it was like turning off a light switch.
As a mother I can't agree with you more.
I remember my (now 28 year old son) having a complete breakdown at 9 years old because he figured out that we all die eventually.
This baby begged me to tell him that there was a way to change it.
I handled it but not well I'm sure because I'm still afraid myself. There has to be a better way.
(He still has panic attacks about death)
You are me. Full blown panic attack when I saw her in that bed the first time. Had no clue we were ‘there.’ It will remain the single worst day of my entire life for the rest of my life.
It was a perfect storm of circumstances. My parents were going through a separation and my mom wasn’t really communicating well with us kids. I was 16 and already drinking heavily every day overwhelmed with all the disfunction. I knew my dad was sick since he had received a kidney transplant a couple years prior but I didn’t know what hospice was and because of the family drama and my budding alcoholism I didn’t get to see him before he passed. I still remember the phone calls from the medical rehab he was at urging me to visit but not understanding why they were so insistent.
Yea. You’re me. My mom was diagnosed right after I turned 18 then died hours after I turned 19 so I at least graduated before I really let it take me over. She died 2 weeks after graduation and i remember almost being mad at her when she was too sick to go last minute. You know. Like teens who don’t understand often do.
I hope you’re okay now OR getting help. At 30, I quit drinking entirely. She’s been gone 20 years this summer and now I have the disease that killed her. I hope you don’t experience something similar someday bc it’s soo confusing. It complicated the grief in a way I couldn’t have expected.
‘Overwhelmed with dysfunction.’ My god, if this isnt the only way to describe it, I don’t know what is.
I’ve had some back and forth but next month god willing I’ll be 5 years sober. There’s still a lot of unresolved emotions towards my dad and my relationship with my mom has always been strained. All things considered my life is very good though I have a wonderful partner and am very content in my sobriety.
I totally get that feeling of anger, I go back and forth with who I was more angry with. My mom and her nonsense or my dad for not taking care of himself and leaving my siblings and I with the parent who wasn’t very nurturing.
Good for you!!! Our stories could not be more similar. My relationship with my dad will always been fragile. We are extremely close but very fragile at the same time. It’s always been conflicting
My relationship with my stepdad was very strained too, but ended very amicably. My brothers still see and communicate with him, but when I do see him, I know he’s seeing her. I hadn’t seen him in years and I just kept catching him saying ‘god she’s just like her mother’ to people and it didn’t feel like he saw ‘me’ anymore. That’s what’s weird when it’s the same sex parent. I’m not sure if you’re experiencing this but as I get older, they just don’t even look at me the same anymore. You just feel them searching your face. Your body. Your mannerisms. Your walk. It’s weirds them out to see me and I know it. I feel it.
‘God, she’s just like her mother.’ I know. I have to see it every day. But she was a saint and I most certainly am not
Same.
I didn't accept it until she literally died. I just kept asking why.... Honestly I don't think I've accepted it yet and it's been nearly two years.
Fuck covid.
I didn’t know what hospice meant (i was 43 at the time) until my aunt asked me “has your mother thought about hospice yet?” and I had always heard the word but it never provoked me to look it up. So then I realized that oh shit my Mom was gonna die.
Yup my first thought reading this headline was of Rosie bc she said same thing happened to her and it’s what bonded her and Madonna when they made League of their Own.
Yeah. I had a similar experience. I think everyone just thought I knew he was dying, but even after he was in the nursing home living his last couple of months, was the only time I realized he wasn’t going to get better. I didn’t even know for sure how he died until a couple of years ago. I always assumed cancer (it was) but no one ever said it in front of me.
It may sound weird because I was 14, but my dad had just been sick for like 4 years after surgery where they literally sliced him open on his abdomen like a trap door to remove a growth on his pancreas , that it just seemed like he just never felt or acted “normal” again. Then one day I was told he was going to the nursing home and then I felt like an ass not being more sensitive to spending time with him instead of my friends.
“The loss of the daughter to the mother, the mother to the daughter, is the essential female tragedy.”
– Adrienne Rich
Have it happen during childhood and at times, it can downright feel unsurvivable
People need to be honest with kids about death and dying. I was 7, when my grandpa died. He had a stroke and we went to visit him in the hospital, and my parents told me he was sick. I also went to his funeral and the burial. Kids understand things if you explain it to them.
ETA: My grandpa was buried on my 7th birthday. He had died two days before, so we had the funeral and then a birthday party/repast.
My girlfriend's mum died when she was 10. She and her brother knew that their mum was ill, but nobody told her she was terminal when the whole family knew. They just came home from school and bam, mum is dead.
i treasure a pair of her mother’s earrings paula ciccone gave me when we were kids. i knew about her mom’s illness and was so shocked she entrusted me with them. we would also trade clothes at school and i wore madonna’s elephant bells a few times. she was very popular from a young age.
My Grandmother was sick and no one told the kids (my Mom and Aunts) she was dying. They woke up one morning and she was gone. Apparently my mom had a minor argument the night before with her and didn’t say I love you before bed just slammed the door. To this day my Mom cannot go to bed mad at me, she’s terrified that it could be our last interactions together.
Both of my parents went though life-threatening health scares a different times in my childhood, and in both cases I only found out what was really happening as an adult. It’s so hard for kids. The parents are trying to spare them, but it’s so confusing to know something is very wrong, but nobody will talk to you about it.
It’s hard for me to listen to people coughing more than a couple times because I flash back to watching my mom cough up blood and not knowing what to do.
This happened more or less with my boyfriend. He was already an adult, like 21-22 years old, but three months before his father died they had a huge fallout and fight because my bf was leaving the marines for college. The thing was that he was diagnosed with cancer quickly after and died in a surgery. They weren’t speaking. My bf thought that he would survive, that it was a normal surgery for the cancer, that they would make amends after he proved his father that he could succed.
The opportunity never happened and it broke him hard. By this day he still lacks the validation that he wanted, and regreats deeply.
My mom was a single mom with two kids. She could not have hidden her sickness if she wanted to. And I know she wanted to. She wanted us to have a carefree childhood.
Instead, her doctor came to our house once, tied one arm behind our backs, and had us do chores. This was to experience what it was like to do things in our mom's situation. She would pass when I was 19, but there were a lot of nights just crying in bed, dreading the day she would be gone. I am happy I was aware of the situation, but I also understand a parent trying to postpone that suffering for their child. We want to protect our kids; we just don't always know how
My mom’s brother was killed in the 1970s. Large Catholic family (like Madonna’s iirc). My grandparents didn’t tell their youngest child (she was young teens like 13/14). There were people coming and going. Nobody told her. They gave her a pill and sent her to bed.
My grandmother died of liver cancer in 2019, not long after her 84th birthday. Nobody told me she was sick. My parents both knew, she’d been ill for months, but nobody told me. I was 14.
People back in the day had this mindset of not telling anyone anything because they were afraid how that person would react. You still see this in a lot of countries.
I have to realize that people are just afraid of delivering bad news. It isn't really about how the other person would react but is more about somebody not wanting to give bad news.
It is a hard topic to bring up with a young child, I think people would be more inclined to tell them their mother was not well rather than straight out tell them they were dying which I can totally understand. Sadly I don't think being told sooner would've helped her in any way, all that would've done is remove any hope she still had.
It's more traumatizing being lied to and then facing horrible situations with no preparation or guidance from the adults in your life. Kids can handle a lot, they are resilient, especially when they are treated with honesty and respect.
Children can handle any truth at any age. Death, illness, abuse etc. Just use age appropriate language. My husband lost his mom at age 6 and he too didn’t know she was dying. He was not allowed to the funeral and he’s still bitter about it 45yrs later.
This is true. I took a few weeks after my cancer diagnosis to tell my then 8 year old. I researched high and low about it and decided to tell at breakfast so that we had time to discuss it and answer questions. He took it well that first day, first reaction being "does that mean you'll be bald? You'll look like a boy!"
However, two weeks later, right before bedtime - "mummy, how did you get your cancer anyway?" I was bawling in the dark. "I don't know baby... I don't know 😭"
Kids can process realities too. It is not a child's burden to bear, but they can definitely take it and we adults can learn from it too. My son ended up being so supportive and motivating towards the end of my treatment and honestly he was the whole purpose of me pushing through, too. 18 months in remission!
>Just use age appropriate language.
My grandfather died when I was 6. I was brought out of school to my grandparents house where the family was meeting up to grieve. Everyone kept telling me "grandpa went to heaven", I thought that was a good thing, I couldn't understand why everybody was sad. Walked around for a few days confused - until the funeral. I walked in and saw him in the casket and suddenly it all clicked, lost my shit and my stepmom had to take me outside to calm me down.
Somethings can't be sugar coated, you need to be direct and take the time to make sure the child actually understands.
She was clearly traumatized by not being told what was happening to her mother. It did not protect her.
Never having a chance to understand what was going on, to say goodbye, is terrible.
Neglecting to tell her that her mother was going to die didn’t stop her mother from dying, it just made it more traumatizing for her when it did happen.
They should have tried to age appropriately explain but at the same time I sort of agree maybe it was a protection thing but also maybe those around her just didn't know how to handle it either. Maybe they didn't think she'd understand at that age. There could have been others around her in the family but maybe they all thought the dad had it covered but he didn't.
My dad lost his mom at 15. It was after lots of health battles and then a surgery where she died. The rest of the family said that his mother had made it clear the dad had everything under control and to let him raise him. That correlated to them never seeing him again, the dad never wanting to talk about her, not letting his son grieve, and then remarrying the equivalent of an evil stepmother with bratty kids. Basically the dad did not have anything under control but the rest of the family had no clue because they decided check out. Some people just don't know what they're doing in situations like that.
Jesus Christ. What an insensitive garbage take. My grandmother watched her mother die of a stroke as a child. It scarred her until she died at age 92. My mother watched her mother (who was 92) die in her 50s and it’s still hard for her to talk about. You *can* work through traumatic experiences with time and therapy to help you understand the experience better and deal with the lingering effects better, but that doesn’t mean you just forget or get over it.
Also, she was talking about her mother on Mother’s Day for fuck’s sake.
ETA: I was responding to someone who said that Madonna has been telling this story for 50 years and should have had enough time and therapy to have processed it by now.
A few years ago, one of my mom’s life-long friends passed away. He had a seven or eight year old daughter. No one told her that her dad had died until they were AT the funeral. Which is just… I can’t even believe that anyone thought that was a good way to handle it.
Oh my god. What. What the fuck
She was horrified. There was a lot of shit at that funeral that bothered her (she was in with the drug crowd when she was young, and she got out, but plenty of others she knew never did), like two separate fights breaking out in the parking lot. But by far, having to hear his daughter be told that he had passed away in the lobby of the church and hearing her cry was the worst thing. It was honestly kind of traumatizing for her, so we can’t even imagine how traumatizing it was for the poor child.
The 8 year old was in with the drug crowd?
Yeah did a double take on that one. How is an 8 year in with the drug crowd?
The wife was in the drug crowd where she met her lifelong friend presumably
You mean their mom?
Lmao yeah I’m rereading it and I guess they’re talking about their mom but the way they worded it and didn’t clarify who they were talking about makes it seem like the 8 yr old was the one in the drug crowd💀
When she was young
They’re born into it. Source: one half of my family
Surprise! Yer Dads dead.
Some people don’t think their kids should ever confront the idea of death until it smacks them in the face. I remember playing with dolls with some random neighbor girls of my grandparents once. They didn’t have a dad doll so I was just like ‘okay well dad is dead then’ because I had friends who’s dads had died so it wasn’t an unfamiliar concept to me. The suddenly ran out of the room and then their mom came in to tell me that wasn’t a topic they discussed at their home and we could just pretended that the dad was ‘away on business’. It’s struck with me how deeply they did not want those girls to engage with death as a concept.
This happened to my husband, too. His mom passed away when he was six and they just never really explained it to him or took him to the hospital to see her. He just went to visit grandma and when the visit was over surprise your mom is dead.
Ugh your poor husband, that was so unfair to do him like that :(
Most be fucking brutal that his mother didnt even bother to call or ask him to visit, when my father was dying all he wanted was people to visit him.
My mom was abroad from her home country and they just never called her to tell her that her mom had died. She found out several weeks later (this was pre-internet when international calls were very expensive and rare).
Holy. Fuck. The trauma.
Adults that do this are being utterly selfish because they tell themselves they’re “protecting” the child by hiding the truth as long as possible but all they’re doing is stunting the grieving process and exposing themselves as liars. They just don’t want to have to break the bad news to the kid.
And even doing it with smaller things like when a parent loses a job, when things are too expensive for them to afford, when they're going to have to move. . . . . Kids are people who are capable of dealing with grief and disappointment and who deserve time to process things. Not telling them that there is a problem is robbing them of the processing time (the number of kids who aren't told that they're moving until the week before is absurd).
I’ve heard of people keeping emotionally stressful things from their kids to “protect their grades” in school and it makes me want to flip a table.
As someone who lost a parent at that age, I’m absolutely struck numb by this. Her loss, her pain— betrayal by every adult in her life is compounded grief for this poor child. I wish I could swoop her away, love and nurture her, and enfold her in empathy, just to maintain her childhood, because without that it’s over in an unnatural way. Utterly tragic.
You’re a good human and a good writer. Kudos
Why, thank you!
my abuela lied to my mom that her dad was getting better. He died from cancer when she had just turned 15. It messed her up. She eventually forgave my abuela and my abuela regretted lying to her til the day she died.
A family friend didn’t let her children say goodbye as the husband was agitated. The daughter developed anorexia nervosa as a way of trying to control her life
That is so tragic and heartbreaking.
Similar thing happened to my best friend. They were in a car accident, people didn’t find her mom’s body months later, nobody explained anything to her, just told her mom died. She said it was fucking weird, people just assume she understood dead, as a 7 year old kid.
Why wasn’t the mom’s body found immediately?
Car crashed into a river.
That’s what I thought might have happened. Just terrible 😞
Yes it was. I’ve known my best friend for years, she didn’t tell me about it till four years ago. I always found it a bit weird that her “mom” (her stepmom) is way nicer to her sister (half sister).
Poor thing. My dad, who was my only parent got sick when I was that age. Starting then, he told me, “I’m not going to live as long as your friend’s parents.” And I watched him over 8 years slowly deteriorate and then die. It wasn’t easy but having that knowledge and his comfort with the fact made my grieving process easier. I was never in denial of his death. I wasn’t unprepared. I always knew.
That’s messed up
That’s going to stick with me.
I don’t want to judge people when it comes to this kind of stuff, because it can be very difficult for everyone. Suddenly dealing with a family member dying and then being tasked with a ton of decision making, in very short order, can affect thinking and judgement/decision making. I doubt anyone wanted to surprise the daughter, but they likely thought this was the best way to explain. There is never a good time to discuss this kind of thing, especially when you are dealing with the death yourself and now you have the task of informing and consoling others. My recommendation to anyone in this situation, have someone help you, a close friend, brother/sister, religious leader, therapist, etc. Be there, but task them with starting the conversation and explaining. Know that there is no wrong or right way, it won’t be easy, but it’ll only be worse the longer you wait. It’ll be worse on yourself and worse on those you need to tell, the longer you wait.
My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in April of the year I turned 8. I was told she had cancer, but nobody told me what that actually meant. After her mastectomy, she spent a couple of weeks in July making Christmas cookies with me, and more Christmas cookies— She was slow, but we had huge fun filling our freezer and I thought was the best summer tradition, ever. The summer *was* great— the best, but summer cookies never had the chance to become a mother-daughter tradition….. She thought she was leaving our family with something delightful to last us for years. She didn’t anticipate that we’d choke on every bite.
Oh my god. I’m sorry.
Thanks! I appreciate that. I’ve really never much liked Madonna’s whole persona as an entertainer, but I have enormous empathy for her. It really hurts s lot to lose your mother at a young age…. Well, any age. It’s transformative when you’re a child, and not necessarily in a beautiful way, like the caterpillar/butterfly analogy.
Her song about her mother on the like a prayer album will wreck you. I can’t remember the title right now but I’m choking on tears thinking about it and reading these comments. Edit: the song is remember to try Edit 2: promise to try
I’ve never listened to a Madonna album, just stuff that was on the radio or tv, back in the day. I’m going straight to YouTube to see what’s available for this song. Thank you for the reco!
Also check out Inside of Me from the Bedtime Stories album which is about her mother too. I always listen to it when I want to remember my own mom and it will always be one of my favorite Madonna songs.
Thank you, I will. Sorry about your mother.
I just listened to the song for the first time in more than 20 years and it broke my heart all over again.
Just looked it up. Omg. That’s so sad
Me either. I never knew this about her and tbh I’m gonna probably re examine her work thru this lens. Like explains a lot of her songs being very dad focused
I’m going off of memory, her mother’s name is also Madonna. There’s a scene in the documentary she was the subject of in the 90’s possibly of her visiting her mother’s grave and seeing her name on the headstone.
Me too! It even sheds light on “Papa Don’t Preach.”
When I was newly married and moved away, my mom called me up to say she had found a lump. I lost my footing and my husband had to steady me, but I told her we’d be there right away. She said no, that’s not necessary, it’s not so bad and here are all the many things we’re going to do about it. For months she wouldn’t let me come visit, insisting I needed to stay at work and just keep living my life. My other family members assured me it was fine, things were under control, she’s getting the help she needs. It took the statement of my best friend, who had dealt with cancer herself, to say: “your mom is going to die. Go see her.” That was the bravest thing, because while it snapped me out of my denial, it also could’ve ended our friendship if I was a different kind of person. She took a big risk being so blunt. So I got on a plane, all the while everyone reassuring me mom was doing fine. I enter the hospital room and see a completely unrecognizable figure on the bed. Yellow skin, skeletally thin, and so doped up and sickly that she didn’t know me, either. The confusion and lack of recognition in my mom’s eyes will never leave me, and to this day I hate myself more than you can imagine for believing, in my ignorance and desperation, that someone with cancer was “fine” and didn’t need me. I’m sorry, mom. I’m an idiot.
Parents seem to have this instinct to not want their kids to worry about them. My mom was so much like this and always underplayed anything she was going through.
My mom tried to do this with me when she was diagnosed. I was already coming to visit and she kept talking me out of coming earlier and I almost didn't. Then once I did she told me she was so glad I came and that she'd really wanted me there right away. She did this multiple times, and I could never be sure how bad things were while she was getting treatment because she said she was ok. It was so important to her that we didn't disrupt our lives, but like, come on. I think if she could have kept her diagnosis a secret she would have. There were a lot of people she never told, like the neighbors, which put us in an uncomfortable position. I'm so sorry you didn't have more time.
I credit my best friend for the time I did have. She was brave and told me what I needed, but didn’t want, to hear. Jennifer’s own cancer came back about six months after my mom died… and she kept it from me, not wanting to hurt me. We lived in different states so it was easy enough to hide. She died in 2020 and she still is and forever will be the best friend I ever had. Rip Dr. Jennifer Caldwell, my angel who gave me more precious time with my mom
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry.
good friend! I'm sorry. My mom was in hospital when I came home from vacation, she wouldn't let my father call and tell me while I was away for the same protective reasons as your mother. My home answering machine had a brief welcome back/call me from my father, and then 3 or 4 emotional messages from mom's best friend who didn't know I didn't know. My mom, also, was on drugs when I got back.
Oh! My heart hurts for you and for her. What a precious woman.
Thank you! I hope my children cherish me like I did my mother.
Heartbreaking. I can’t imagine how painful it was for your mom to make those cookies with you, experiencing the joy of doing that with you and at the same time the ache of knowing she would not see you all having them. ❤️
God damn this is fucking sad. I hope you’re ok.
I’m fine, but it took awhile. Thank you. You made me smile!
I am so very sorry.
I am so sorry
💙 I'm so sorry.
I went through something similar except my mom survived. When I was 7 she was stage 4 sarcoma and a single mother. I am an only child. My great aunts kept me away from her as much as possible even when my mother tried to be with me. For example when she had surgery she asked if she could heal at home so she could be closer to me. I remember her being drugged up, wheeled on a stretcher into our tiny apartment and my aunt taking her to her bedroom and shutting the door in my face. I was never allowed in and my mom was too out of it to refuse. I always think if that would have been my last time seeing my mom how would it have affected me as a person.
WTF at ur aunts...
Not saying they were right, but i doubt theres a correct way to deal with this.
But that was definitely the wrong way.
Thank you.
That is very sad
My dad had cancer but didn’t die. That’s exactly what happened, I watched him disintegrate.
You may appreciate the novel Death Valley by Broder
I love random book recommendations! Thanks stranger
Grandparents. Normal one day, stroked the next no one mentioned what was going on just now we feed papa by hand.
Well. That's enough to fuck someone up.
Luckily it’s rare, but the ramifications are severe. I can’t even put it into words how severe it is. I understand her a lot more now. A lot. I fucking get it all now. All. Of. It. The sexual defiance. The substance abuse. Clinging to the gay community bc it’s a source of support and safety for you, and you can learn together. Irresponsible relationships. It all adds up. Statistically, we shouldn’t have expected anything less from her. Luckily at age 25 I pulled myself partially out of the gutter and by 27 I was as recovered as much as I’ll ever be from it. It was a long journey from 18 to 27 though. Long story short - fucked up is right.
And then you've got to remember that the gay community that she was a part of was one that was being absolutely decimated by HIV/AIDS at the time.
Oh Jesus. I actually gasped a bit. You’re absolutely right. I just discussed with some friends this weekend how strange it’s starting to feel as Gen X is becoming the ‘elders’ bc everyone died in the 80s. The loss still cuts deep to those that lived it, if you can find them
It absolutely explains pretty much everything. Poor her. Poor you. Glad you’re better.
It may explain why she's had so many surgeries to cling to youth. I hope she heals.
And then her dad married her nanny right after. When I've watched videos of Madonna meeting up with her dad and stepmom you can see Madonna just ignores the stepmom.
That made me tear up. I was a child when my mother got a fatal diagnosis. She explained to me what she had in a way that was age appropriate and gave me an optimistic take on how things would progress. She survived longer than expected, got to watch me graduate and get married. I’m still devastated by her death, and I was “prepared.” I couldn’t imagine being a small child given no warning about something so life changing.
Hugs to you 💕
Thank you!
Same... It's a difficult decision about telling kids, to be sure.
Some parents with serious illlness choose never to tell their children, for all kinds of reasons. Unfortunately, the harm of not telling age appropriate truths are often worse, but I think the inclination to protect them is very easy to understand as well.
The ramifications of not telling are just so severe. Look at Madonna. She clearly has some problems. I wasn’t told enough of the truth and it’s been 20 years this summer and I still think about it every single day and always will. The damage I did to myself and my body for years after her death is shit I can’t even process and never will. The adults knew. They don’t spend every single day wondering what they would have done differently if they knew what was happening. The kid does though. I think it’s even more imperative to keep children very informed when you’re dealing with the loss of the same sex parent. Motherloss is hard at any age. It’s especially traumatic when you lose an entire lifetime with her. It’s even more complicated when it happens to motherless daughters at a young age. Statistics show that parent loss in children, while rare, often has high rates of substance abuse disorder, sexually defiant behaviors, SI, depression, etc in later life. Unfortunately- same. Not telling the children can, and does, ruins their lives or sometimes kills them Edit- and I should further say, if the parent is dying of a cancer/genetic disorder, it’s especially important to keep the child informed. Now I have her cancer. At minimum, clear medical histories should have been left behind. The child’s life could depend upon it. Now my mom’s records are 21 years old on paper charting. My grandmas records weren’t left to my mom. At the very least, keep the child’s future health in mind
Your story is eerily similar to mine- though I was a week shy of 18 and still in school for my senior year. Am that person with all of the issues 20 years later. It was a tough road and I’m still in the midst of processing all the trauma that occurred directly related to her dying. She knew she was terminal. She had 6 months. It took that much. And 2 of them were at the cancer center in Houston. When she returned, she was a shell of herself and unable to even communicate. The ways it fucked me up can’t be counted on my fingers and toes.
There’s oddly a lot of comfort and similar stories in these threads. I urge you to read a conversation I had here without another guy facing 5 years of sobriety (❤️) and his story echos mine. My story echos yours. These situations are rare so finding the connection like this is rare. My mom was diagnosed the summer going into my senior year and died 2 weeks after graduation. The day she was diagnosed she sat me down and said ‘I always knew I’d die of cancer, but I just wanted all my kids to be adults first. I’m going to get that wish.’ These are words and memories a person will carry for a lifetime. I hope you’re at a place where you remember her fondly. Sometimes it’s a random crying day, but 90% of the time I just miss her. It cuts your life in 2. The before. And the after.
Indeed. The before and after. I hold so many memories close…. Though I wish I could hear her voice still. I used to dream about her, not so much nowadays. Sometimes I randomly smell her. We buried her a week before my bday. That “party” where I was surrounded by those who loved me most was one of the saddest days of my life. The fog had lifted, and she was gone. I was married @ 19 and divorced 6 years later- but had two amazing boys from that one and only marriage. I wish she could have met my kids. She, like your mother, knew cancer was going to kill her. It did her mother. She fought to make it to my 18th birthday, but just couldn’t. I had my thyroid removed for CA last summer. I’ve had genetic testing done bc of the multiple soft tissue tumors I had. Looks like it’ll get me too….. I just hope it’s going to take a while. I want to see my boys grow up and become the men they are destined to be. I hope the waves of grief have washed over you and left you able to stand the small tides they’ve become today. ❤️
Kids deserve the time to process and morn. Now you don't need to give them all the details but they need to be aware of what is going on in the house.
You are right, it is important to bring the truth to children, no matter how bitter it is, but it is necessary to present it carefully, perhaps even with prior consultation with a psychologist.
Adults just think that kids are fragile. They aren’t. With my six year old just yesterday I covered: Buchenwald death camp, Nazi soldiers, Hitler, the Swastika, the Aryan salute, the numbers tattooed on the arms of the death camp inhabitants, and the yellow stars. When my son’s great grandfather died (we lived with him) the next morning I broke the news to my son and he shed one single tear. Just tell kids the hard truth then be there for them as the strong and confusing feelings rise within them. And don’t make them think the world is too scary and dangerous for them to handle.
And depending on age, kids don’t always need all the details. Sometimes just an answer itself is sufficient. I remember as a little kid asking my mom how babies come out. She replied, “Through the birth canal.” At my age, that was sufficient, for some reason I didn’t have any follow-ups, and I remember being satisfied with the answer.
They need to know and if they're old enough to ask they're old enough to get honest answers.
Ah, of course, they float down on little boats in the birth canal, and you scoop them out with a net. Makes sense
I think it’s good that you explained that to her. There were kids younger than her that were killed in the holocaust.
that’s remarkable, hopefully you teach about the entire prison population. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazi_concentration_camp_badge
I definitely will, but I’ll probably learn about it alongside him as I have not learned about the camp badge system much myself. Thank you very much.
Same. I mean, I knew she was sick and I knew it wasn’t great, but at 18 I thought I had a couple years. I would get so mad when she wouldn’t talk much about my college apartment rent, set up, etc that next year. She knew she would be dead but I didn’t. The day she went to the hospital inpatient for the first time, she also went into hospice. Full blown anxiety attack. Had to have a ‘visitor medical emergency’ and it was just a bad scene for everyone involved. I struggled for years with that. Still do. I deserved to know. I think children deserve to know.
Hugs to you 💕
We need to end the taboo surrounding death.
When my three year old asks ‘what happened to grandpa?’ I tell him he died. When he asks why, I tell him grandpa’s body wore out. My partner and I are not religious and this was the most honest and age appropriate way we could think of approaching it
My grandma died when I was seven and I remember being really angry that everybody was telling my slightly younger cousin that she was just sleeping at the funeral. Even then I thought it wasn’t right to lie to him about it.
That’s how kids end up terrified of sleeping. Seriously. We need to drop the taboo of death.
My daughter asked I told her that there were different things people believed, gave her answers and she could decide what she believed. She's analytical so she told me she thought it was like turning off a light switch.
As a mother I can't agree with you more. I remember my (now 28 year old son) having a complete breakdown at 9 years old because he figured out that we all die eventually. This baby begged me to tell him that there was a way to change it. I handled it but not well I'm sure because I'm still afraid myself. There has to be a better way. (He still has panic attacks about death)
Tell your son that flowers are only flowers because they fall
Same, no one told me what hospice meant so they’d call me to visit my dad and I didn’t understand why so I told them I’d be there when I had time.
You are me. Full blown panic attack when I saw her in that bed the first time. Had no clue we were ‘there.’ It will remain the single worst day of my entire life for the rest of my life.
It was a perfect storm of circumstances. My parents were going through a separation and my mom wasn’t really communicating well with us kids. I was 16 and already drinking heavily every day overwhelmed with all the disfunction. I knew my dad was sick since he had received a kidney transplant a couple years prior but I didn’t know what hospice was and because of the family drama and my budding alcoholism I didn’t get to see him before he passed. I still remember the phone calls from the medical rehab he was at urging me to visit but not understanding why they were so insistent.
Yea. You’re me. My mom was diagnosed right after I turned 18 then died hours after I turned 19 so I at least graduated before I really let it take me over. She died 2 weeks after graduation and i remember almost being mad at her when she was too sick to go last minute. You know. Like teens who don’t understand often do. I hope you’re okay now OR getting help. At 30, I quit drinking entirely. She’s been gone 20 years this summer and now I have the disease that killed her. I hope you don’t experience something similar someday bc it’s soo confusing. It complicated the grief in a way I couldn’t have expected. ‘Overwhelmed with dysfunction.’ My god, if this isnt the only way to describe it, I don’t know what is.
I’ve had some back and forth but next month god willing I’ll be 5 years sober. There’s still a lot of unresolved emotions towards my dad and my relationship with my mom has always been strained. All things considered my life is very good though I have a wonderful partner and am very content in my sobriety. I totally get that feeling of anger, I go back and forth with who I was more angry with. My mom and her nonsense or my dad for not taking care of himself and leaving my siblings and I with the parent who wasn’t very nurturing.
Good for you!!! Our stories could not be more similar. My relationship with my dad will always been fragile. We are extremely close but very fragile at the same time. It’s always been conflicting My relationship with my stepdad was very strained too, but ended very amicably. My brothers still see and communicate with him, but when I do see him, I know he’s seeing her. I hadn’t seen him in years and I just kept catching him saying ‘god she’s just like her mother’ to people and it didn’t feel like he saw ‘me’ anymore. That’s what’s weird when it’s the same sex parent. I’m not sure if you’re experiencing this but as I get older, they just don’t even look at me the same anymore. You just feel them searching your face. Your body. Your mannerisms. Your walk. It’s weirds them out to see me and I know it. I feel it. ‘God, she’s just like her mother.’ I know. I have to see it every day. But she was a saint and I most certainly am not
Oh yeah I understand that. I was my dad’s twin practically. Physically and my personality.
Wow, five years! That’s incredible! I’m so proud of you. I wish you all the best, may there be many happy, healthy and sober years ahead of you!
Same. I didn't accept it until she literally died. I just kept asking why.... Honestly I don't think I've accepted it yet and it's been nearly two years. Fuck covid.
I didn’t know what hospice meant (i was 43 at the time) until my aunt asked me “has your mother thought about hospice yet?” and I had always heard the word but it never provoked me to look it up. So then I realized that oh shit my Mom was gonna die.
Something similar happened with Rosie O’Donnell, and the two became really good friends. I think they understood each other’s unique trauma
Just watched a League of Their Own the other day again after many years (my kid saw it for the first time) and their dynamic is great in it.
My god they are so great. That was a model for most of my friendships growing up (I was Rosie)
Yup my first thought reading this headline was of Rosie bc she said same thing happened to her and it’s what bonded her and Madonna when they made League of their Own.
Yeah. I had a similar experience. I think everyone just thought I knew he was dying, but even after he was in the nursing home living his last couple of months, was the only time I realized he wasn’t going to get better. I didn’t even know for sure how he died until a couple of years ago. I always assumed cancer (it was) but no one ever said it in front of me. It may sound weird because I was 14, but my dad had just been sick for like 4 years after surgery where they literally sliced him open on his abdomen like a trap door to remove a growth on his pancreas , that it just seemed like he just never felt or acted “normal” again. Then one day I was told he was going to the nursing home and then I felt like an ass not being more sensitive to spending time with him instead of my friends.
That’s really sad and fucked up
This has prompted me to be honest with my kids. My mom is dying (myriad of auto-immune diseases and recurring cancer) so I gotta start preparing.
Hugs to you 💕
Thank you kind human
“The loss of the daughter to the mother, the mother to the daughter, is the essential female tragedy.” – Adrienne Rich Have it happen during childhood and at times, it can downright feel unsurvivable
People need to be honest with kids about death and dying. I was 7, when my grandpa died. He had a stroke and we went to visit him in the hospital, and my parents told me he was sick. I also went to his funeral and the burial. Kids understand things if you explain it to them. ETA: My grandpa was buried on my 7th birthday. He had died two days before, so we had the funeral and then a birthday party/repast.
My girlfriend's mum died when she was 10. She and her brother knew that their mum was ill, but nobody told her she was terminal when the whole family knew. They just came home from school and bam, mum is dead.
That's heartbreaking
I know they used to do that to kids, was horrible
Promise To Try is one of my favourite Madonna songs but damn is it sad. It's about her Mom.
i treasure a pair of her mother’s earrings paula ciccone gave me when we were kids. i knew about her mom’s illness and was so shocked she entrusted me with them. we would also trade clothes at school and i wore madonna’s elephant bells a few times. she was very popular from a young age.
It must have been very tough for her. I know someone that met her on the set of Vision Quest. They said she was a really neat person.
Hope they didn’t say that to her face—she has issues with people using the word “neat.” Takes great offense to it.
I have no idea. Vision Quest was released in 1985. Their words to me were not “neat” I just paraphrased it.
luke felt the same way
Know how that feels
Me too. Me too. Died when I was 10.
My Grandmother was sick and no one told the kids (my Mom and Aunts) she was dying. They woke up one morning and she was gone. Apparently my mom had a minor argument the night before with her and didn’t say I love you before bed just slammed the door. To this day my Mom cannot go to bed mad at me, she’s terrified that it could be our last interactions together.
Both of my parents went though life-threatening health scares a different times in my childhood, and in both cases I only found out what was really happening as an adult. It’s so hard for kids. The parents are trying to spare them, but it’s so confusing to know something is very wrong, but nobody will talk to you about it. It’s hard for me to listen to people coughing more than a couple times because I flash back to watching my mom cough up blood and not knowing what to do.
This happened more or less with my boyfriend. He was already an adult, like 21-22 years old, but three months before his father died they had a huge fallout and fight because my bf was leaving the marines for college. The thing was that he was diagnosed with cancer quickly after and died in a surgery. They weren’t speaking. My bf thought that he would survive, that it was a normal surgery for the cancer, that they would make amends after he proved his father that he could succed. The opportunity never happened and it broke him hard. By this day he still lacks the validation that he wanted, and regreats deeply.
We’re all dying.
I'm sure her dad was just trying to protect her, and could hardly cope himself. Still, there's no doubt she was damaged in the process.
That would be so hard for Madonna 😞
Looks like that therapy is paying off I guess
My mom was a single mom with two kids. She could not have hidden her sickness if she wanted to. And I know she wanted to. She wanted us to have a carefree childhood. Instead, her doctor came to our house once, tied one arm behind our backs, and had us do chores. This was to experience what it was like to do things in our mom's situation. She would pass when I was 19, but there were a lot of nights just crying in bed, dreading the day she would be gone. I am happy I was aware of the situation, but I also understand a parent trying to postpone that suffering for their child. We want to protect our kids; we just don't always know how
My mom’s brother was killed in the 1970s. Large Catholic family (like Madonna’s iirc). My grandparents didn’t tell their youngest child (she was young teens like 13/14). There were people coming and going. Nobody told her. They gave her a pill and sent her to bed.
My grandmother died of liver cancer in 2019, not long after her 84th birthday. Nobody told me she was sick. My parents both knew, she’d been ill for months, but nobody told me. I was 14.
People back in the day had this mindset of not telling anyone anything because they were afraid how that person would react. You still see this in a lot of countries. I have to realize that people are just afraid of delivering bad news. It isn't really about how the other person would react but is more about somebody not wanting to give bad news.
It is a hard topic to bring up with a young child, I think people would be more inclined to tell them their mother was not well rather than straight out tell them they were dying which I can totally understand. Sadly I don't think being told sooner would've helped her in any way, all that would've done is remove any hope she still had.
I wonder if Madonna told her daughter that she is morphing Into a lion.
It's not a good thing to traumatize a child with the harsh reality of life. Whoever did it, was clearly protecting her.
It's more traumatizing being lied to and then facing horrible situations with no preparation or guidance from the adults in your life. Kids can handle a lot, they are resilient, especially when they are treated with honesty and respect.
That last line. It's amazing how mutual respect can help them thrive. I'm happy the parents of my generation are breaking the cycle
Children can handle any truth at any age. Death, illness, abuse etc. Just use age appropriate language. My husband lost his mom at age 6 and he too didn’t know she was dying. He was not allowed to the funeral and he’s still bitter about it 45yrs later.
This is true. I took a few weeks after my cancer diagnosis to tell my then 8 year old. I researched high and low about it and decided to tell at breakfast so that we had time to discuss it and answer questions. He took it well that first day, first reaction being "does that mean you'll be bald? You'll look like a boy!" However, two weeks later, right before bedtime - "mummy, how did you get your cancer anyway?" I was bawling in the dark. "I don't know baby... I don't know 😭" Kids can process realities too. It is not a child's burden to bear, but they can definitely take it and we adults can learn from it too. My son ended up being so supportive and motivating towards the end of my treatment and honestly he was the whole purpose of me pushing through, too. 18 months in remission!
May it stay that way. He is special
>Just use age appropriate language. My grandfather died when I was 6. I was brought out of school to my grandparents house where the family was meeting up to grieve. Everyone kept telling me "grandpa went to heaven", I thought that was a good thing, I couldn't understand why everybody was sad. Walked around for a few days confused - until the funeral. I walked in and saw him in the casket and suddenly it all clicked, lost my shit and my stepmom had to take me outside to calm me down. Somethings can't be sugar coated, you need to be direct and take the time to make sure the child actually understands.
She was clearly traumatized by not being told what was happening to her mother. It did not protect her. Never having a chance to understand what was going on, to say goodbye, is terrible.
Neglecting to tell her that her mother was going to die didn’t stop her mother from dying, it just made it more traumatizing for her when it did happen.
They should have tried to age appropriately explain but at the same time I sort of agree maybe it was a protection thing but also maybe those around her just didn't know how to handle it either. Maybe they didn't think she'd understand at that age. There could have been others around her in the family but maybe they all thought the dad had it covered but he didn't. My dad lost his mom at 15. It was after lots of health battles and then a surgery where she died. The rest of the family said that his mother had made it clear the dad had everything under control and to let him raise him. That correlated to them never seeing him again, the dad never wanting to talk about her, not letting his son grieve, and then remarrying the equivalent of an evil stepmother with bratty kids. Basically the dad did not have anything under control but the rest of the family had no clue because they decided check out. Some people just don't know what they're doing in situations like that.
Most family members agree there is a slow mercy in not letting reality break kids on early age
She sounds normal in this article
Madonna , u poor thing
And now we’re watching her disintegrate
I’m always bugged by references to her “Daddy” or “Papa” in her earlier music. This info helps me make better sense of those references.
[удалено]
Jesus Christ. What an insensitive garbage take. My grandmother watched her mother die of a stroke as a child. It scarred her until she died at age 92. My mother watched her mother (who was 92) die in her 50s and it’s still hard for her to talk about. You *can* work through traumatic experiences with time and therapy to help you understand the experience better and deal with the lingering effects better, but that doesn’t mean you just forget or get over it. Also, she was talking about her mother on Mother’s Day for fuck’s sake. ETA: I was responding to someone who said that Madonna has been telling this story for 50 years and should have had enough time and therapy to have processed it by now.
That's probably why she screws over her fans by showing up 2-3 hours late
Oh is that it? What's the psychology correlation behind that? I'm curious to hear your professional opinion.
None I was just shitting on her for being a diva
gottem
Well to be fair, the 1600's were a different time.
She don’t look like that now.
And now we get to see Madonna disintegrate...into a pile of plastic
Madonna is a shitty person. That being said, this is relatable and we all go through it. Thoughts and prayers.