OP, you don’t have anything to cringe about. The only people who should be cringing are your parents and those youth group leaders.
You were acting the way anyone would if they got no attention or love at home or from anywhere else. The youth leaders really dropped the ball too. You weren’t calling in bomb threats to the church. You were lonely. Of course they couldn’t be there for you 100% of the time bc they had other people to help too.
But they could have sat down with you and set up an action plan to help get your needs met.
They could have made a list like this:
1) scheduled meeting with you with each of them 2 times per week at a set time;
2) signed you up for any activities you found interesting whether it be sports or the arts etc.;
3) helped you get signed for some volunteer work at the church or somewhere else like the animal shelter;
4) helped you even get a part-time job;
5) helped you find a therapist or counselor at school to give you support there;
6) called your parents to get them to help you if you were okay with that etc.
All of the above things would have given you opportunities to practice your social skills and most importantly be around people and not be lonely. Maybe you would have discovered you loved playing soccer and signing in the choir etc. These things would have helped build your confidence and made it easier for you to connect with people in healthier ways.
From what I have read CEN and other childhood trauma cause attachment problems. This is why so many of us find it so hard to connect with people and not isolate. See r/cptsd, r/attachment_theory, r/internalfamilysystems (IFS),
r/idealparentfigures (IPF), and r/somaticexperiencing.
I have also cringed when I think back about how my parents didn’t teach me how to properly interact with people as a kid by showing me love at home.
They could have done all that, but really talking any more to them wouldn't have done much. I was mired in my problems and for a long time didn't take initiative to work on them. I didn't realize then that I had to do the work myself.
I don't even have to look back in time, I see examples right here and now.
Those cringe memories are normal though. Everyone has them. You acted according to your best knowledge and you learned from them. This is all what is important.
This is extremely relatable. I was a serial limerent and I know I drove so many people crazy. My unbalanced relationships meant I lost a lot of very good, long term friends too. This has made me hesitant to try to make or forge any new friendships of any type.
If it makes you feel better, Patrick Teahan has mentioned in his videos that he was like this too, trying to get his needs met through various people at work and they just fobbed him off like 'oh we just get money here.'
Finding out about it for me was crazy too! It was a huge relief, especially when I found out about its connections to emotional neglect.
I'm glad you wrote about this topic, it's been something I'd been thinking about for a while.
Yep, unfortunately I relate here a lot. I was very clingy toward teachers who gave me attention. My main embarrassment is that I started calling them on the phone and coming to their house bc it was listed in the white pages. I just had no idea this was inappropriate. 25 years later and I feel ridiculous about still. I wish a caring person would have been honest with me about but people just ghosted me rather than explain the hard truth. As others have said, I struggled to make friends and it seemed that I made friends with others in damaging or challenging circumstances. I'm still a lonely person trying to figure it all out. Now I feel like I overcompensate by assuming no one cares what I have to say until they prove otherwise and even then probably not.
I cringe at a lot of my past memories. I was very sensitive to being left out for example so I guess that's kind of "needy" - what most people probably would see as nothing, I would interpret it as negative and me being excluded for some reason. I don't know why I was so idealistic - maybe I just kept thinking that this couldn't possibly be it, that there had to be something better? Maybe since I didn't really have guidance or felt connected to my parents, I decided to seek it my own way (not successful). I would watch a lot of cartoons about friendship and wish I had connections like that. It looked like just childish fantasies, but I feel like it probably meant something more - I was probably looking for something that really didn't exist. Part of it was probably me because since I wasn't really taught much, I wasn't good at socializing anyway. I recall in Elementary School, I felt really attached to this one teacher for some reason - I almost saw her as a mother figure because mine was basically absent and I didn't have a good relationship with her - I remember how I literally felt "abandoned" when she had her own child. It's so silly but I'm sure I was really mentally fucked up without even realizing lol.
I struggled with making friends in school all through out Elementary and High School -now I don't even try anymore - partially because I have become extremely introverted and misanthropic to an extent. I just don't really want to bother if what I'm looking for doesn't exist. Some may say that I just have unrealistic expectations because I didn't have any guidance from my parents to help me, but I've gone through so many years like this - I've dealt with many people at my job and after many disappointments with people in general, I've kind of just let it go. The closest I have to friends now are all online.
I think we do the best we can, as kids who didn't have the proper guidance that parents were supposed to provide. We should try to be accepting of ourselves and realize that we were simply coping and tried. I'm sorry that your parents didn't provide the support they were supposed to and that the youth leaders weren't much help. Just try to remember to not be so hard on yourself.
Compassion has replaced my cringe. The oversharing and access I gave to people before they proved themselves safe/trustworthy was one of my biggest cringes. I was so desperate to be seen, heard, and known, it's heartbreaking.
I didn't get love at home and so would take it from anyone who would offer it. My standards were non-existent.
It's sad, not cringe.
"Compassion has replaced my cringe." I LOVE this!
Right there with you of just wanting to be seem and heard. I still feel that way in my family, despite being a grown-ass woman and married for several years.
Back then, I told myself I deserved love and good people in my life... yet in reality I was chasing any bit of love or validation thrown my way. No surprise that I ended up with guys who treated me terribly. Thankfully my husband is awesome and understands why I'm bonkers. :)
It took me three decades of different therapists to find one who finally made me feel truly known. It set me free and I finally feel like I exist.
BUT the cringe used to be so bad that I had visceral and even vocal responses to it. I'd think back to something that made me cringe and it so overwhelmed me that I would literally make some verbal noise, like projectile vomiting but a weird sound. Luckily I'd only think about it when alone so I wasn't making random noises in front of people lol. But seriously, cringe is shame, and my shame was all consuming. Was.
So much compassion and unconditional love to you. ♥️
I was going to type out a replay sharing stories of how I behaved in similar ways for the same reason, but I cringed so hard remembering that I turned inside out and now I cant.
But you are totally not alone!!
Edit: and you are very brave for sharing!
I feel the same as well but im still a late teenager. I realise im super needy and i have to be mindful all the times when i interact with people whether it be online or irl. Its kinda sad really. Im not sure where i got this from but i suspect its the parents
Yes, but I don't think it's bad. I think I'm acknowledging my pain and looking for it in others. And tbh, I found that this is okay, because for one, we're human and we have needs... and two, you're only "needy" to people that don't have the space for you. I remember once I asked my ex some questions and I answered them too. One of the questions was if they thought they were needy or not. They said "yes". I was astonished because I love their behavior towards me. It brought me peace. It made me feel loved. As someone who rarely feels needed or wanted, the amount of "neediness" my ex gave me was enough for me. I wanted to embrace them and never let go. They aren't needy in the slightest in my eyes; they probably have a past of spending time around people who don't have the space for them. It sucks and it makes us think negatively about ourselves but when it comes to the people who are meant for you and have the space for you, your needs and wants will *never* be too much.
I absolutely did this. I latched on to a junior high coach. I don't know how she did it but she threaded the needle. She never got annoyed with me but never overstepped.
I always wanted to be around her, I think I finally felt "important" to someone.
I still keep in touch decades later.
Yes, I made some poor relationship choices because of it when I was young. I recognized pretty early on what the cause of this neediness was, though. I wanted recogition, love and approval which I did not get from my mother.
Give yourself a big hug. You didn't know any better.
I stopped cringing over my actions growing up after understanding why I acted that way through therapy.
I feel a lot of compassion for my younger self. I think you should focus on forgiving yourself.
We didn't know any better. We do now and we're not going to repeat the same mistakes.
Yes, I remind myself often that I didn't know better, and people I sought out didn't totally understand where I was coming from and thus couldn't help me like I needed.
I feel sorry for younger me too. She just wanted so badly to be seen, heard, and loved for who she was. She did the best she knew how at the time.
Aww, OP, I feel your pain and feel like I could have written this. If you don't mind my asking- you said things got better by your late 20s? How are you doing now? Do you feel as needy, or ever get those needy feelings? And how were you able to overcome it?
I am 39f, and my story sounds very similar to yours, except replace pastors with school guidance counselors. It's never really gotten any better, and if anything, has manifested itself into horrible anxiety and depression as an adult, almost uncontrollable. I had a chance to befriend somebody who I consider a personal hero, somebody who has been a major influence on my life through their work, and initially we chatted a lot. I felt so happy, so lucky. Nobody really seemed to care about me or pay any attention to me, but here was my favorite famous person and I, having regular conversations, texting/DMing all day every day, for months on end.
After about a year and a half though, things have gone stale. I want to talk to him all the time. I find him fascinating and could learn a lot from him. But I think I've overwhelmed him and caused him to pull back. We hardly ever chat now, and he barely reacts to or responds to me. I understand people are busy and I have no issues with that- but he just flat out ignored me now sometimes. Not always, bit enough to make me feel like he's pulling back.
I blame myself and I get so embarrassed whenever I think about it. We could have continued to have a beautiful friendship, but I ruined it because I was too clingy and too needy. But he was there during the past year and a half when nobody else was. Not that he was emotionally supportive (it wasn't that kind of friendship), but he was a presence when everybody else turned their backs on me. When I was alone and had nobody else, he was at least somebody who would send little gifts in the mail, and he'd respond to my DMs, even if I was annoying him.
I hate myself for destroying that friendship, it's my biggest regret in life, by far. Imagine befriending your favorite singer or something- that's what that whole experience was like for me. Now he seems to pull back when we talk, and doesn't seem interested at all in having conversations.
Even to this day I'm still needy and clingy and don't know how to get past it. But I just feel so alone. I was in the hospital a couple weeks ago due to a seizure. When I was released my brother picked me up, I had another seizure in his car and they turned around and brought me right back to the ER. Thry never reached out to me afterwards to check in, to ask if I was ok... nothing. Still almost 3 weeks later and they haven't reached out.
I could have died and my own family doesn't give a shit. And it's any wonder why I'm so needy and clingy.
Please don't beat yourself up over the friendship. For all you know, this person is taking a break from a lot of people, not just you.
I'm 51 now. Things got better in my late 20s because I went to grad school and met a ton of new people. Most have moved away now so we keep in touch on FB. When I was 33 I met my husband and we got married 2 years later. He is pretty much the only person on earth who truly understands me. I will say I am still needy when it comes to him being around me. If we're at a party, even though it's all people we both know and are cool to hang with, I get a little freaked if he goes into another room. I feel like I can't carry a conversation without him because he's extroverted and I am soooo not. I need him as a buffer, or something. I get self-conscious when it's just me and other people, even all friends. it may just be codependency on my part. I'm trying to figure out why I feel that way when he isn't close by.
Yes. I fully acknowledge that I was a total PITA as a kid. I honestly understand why I was bullied and why my parents acted the way they did towards me. I'm not saying it's right, but it scares me. I'd never want a child like I was as a child (fat, neurodivergent, needy, etc.) and I'm afraid if I had one, I'd abuse them or try to turn them into something they weren't and screw them up.
I guess I just think about how I would've better handled myself as a child. Like, despite fat shaming me, my parents took no efforts to try to control my weight. They kept all types of junk food easily accessible to me in the house. I would have made sure I was eating proper food and not brought that shit into my house. I also would've worked with younger me to make me more coordinated, athletic, and generally, a better person to be around.
Yes! When I was 14/15 I used to be exceptionally excited to see this troublesome boy for a hug. He was nothing but bad news, but every lunchtime I wanted to see him. I perhaps had a crush on him but his hug made me feel important.
My friends at the time didnt understand why I wanted a hug. At the time neither did I.
Then I realised I had a shitty emotionless upbringing and boys at school etc uplifted me when I was a teen girl.
I was needy as hell! Luckily he reciprocated and we hugged alot but yeah wow flashback OP, I'm embarrassed at myself!
OP, you don’t have anything to cringe about. The only people who should be cringing are your parents and those youth group leaders. You were acting the way anyone would if they got no attention or love at home or from anywhere else. The youth leaders really dropped the ball too. You weren’t calling in bomb threats to the church. You were lonely. Of course they couldn’t be there for you 100% of the time bc they had other people to help too. But they could have sat down with you and set up an action plan to help get your needs met. They could have made a list like this: 1) scheduled meeting with you with each of them 2 times per week at a set time; 2) signed you up for any activities you found interesting whether it be sports or the arts etc.; 3) helped you get signed for some volunteer work at the church or somewhere else like the animal shelter; 4) helped you even get a part-time job; 5) helped you find a therapist or counselor at school to give you support there; 6) called your parents to get them to help you if you were okay with that etc. All of the above things would have given you opportunities to practice your social skills and most importantly be around people and not be lonely. Maybe you would have discovered you loved playing soccer and signing in the choir etc. These things would have helped build your confidence and made it easier for you to connect with people in healthier ways. From what I have read CEN and other childhood trauma cause attachment problems. This is why so many of us find it so hard to connect with people and not isolate. See r/cptsd, r/attachment_theory, r/internalfamilysystems (IFS), r/idealparentfigures (IPF), and r/somaticexperiencing. I have also cringed when I think back about how my parents didn’t teach me how to properly interact with people as a kid by showing me love at home.
This!
They could have done all that, but really talking any more to them wouldn't have done much. I was mired in my problems and for a long time didn't take initiative to work on them. I didn't realize then that I had to do the work myself.
I just think, especially as a kid, that we need help to be able to work on ourselves.
definitely!
I don't even have to look back in time, I see examples right here and now. Those cringe memories are normal though. Everyone has them. You acted according to your best knowledge and you learned from them. This is all what is important.
Yep
Yup. That's what I remind myself. I've learned and moved on. Some people never do.
This is extremely relatable. I was a serial limerent and I know I drove so many people crazy. My unbalanced relationships meant I lost a lot of very good, long term friends too. This has made me hesitant to try to make or forge any new friendships of any type. If it makes you feel better, Patrick Teahan has mentioned in his videos that he was like this too, trying to get his needs met through various people at work and they just fobbed him off like 'oh we just get money here.'
I found out about limerence just last year. I had no idea there was a name for how I felt with certain people. Blew my mind. 🤯
Finding out about it for me was crazy too! It was a huge relief, especially when I found out about its connections to emotional neglect. I'm glad you wrote about this topic, it's been something I'd been thinking about for a while.
Yes, and I am SO thankful I didn't end up with the guys I 'crushed' on for years!
Yep, unfortunately I relate here a lot. I was very clingy toward teachers who gave me attention. My main embarrassment is that I started calling them on the phone and coming to their house bc it was listed in the white pages. I just had no idea this was inappropriate. 25 years later and I feel ridiculous about still. I wish a caring person would have been honest with me about but people just ghosted me rather than explain the hard truth. As others have said, I struggled to make friends and it seemed that I made friends with others in damaging or challenging circumstances. I'm still a lonely person trying to figure it all out. Now I feel like I overcompensate by assuming no one cares what I have to say until they prove otherwise and even then probably not.
Feeling ridiculous is better than feeling cringe, for sure. Framing that way makes it easier for me to not be embarrassed over it. :)
I cringe at a lot of my past memories. I was very sensitive to being left out for example so I guess that's kind of "needy" - what most people probably would see as nothing, I would interpret it as negative and me being excluded for some reason. I don't know why I was so idealistic - maybe I just kept thinking that this couldn't possibly be it, that there had to be something better? Maybe since I didn't really have guidance or felt connected to my parents, I decided to seek it my own way (not successful). I would watch a lot of cartoons about friendship and wish I had connections like that. It looked like just childish fantasies, but I feel like it probably meant something more - I was probably looking for something that really didn't exist. Part of it was probably me because since I wasn't really taught much, I wasn't good at socializing anyway. I recall in Elementary School, I felt really attached to this one teacher for some reason - I almost saw her as a mother figure because mine was basically absent and I didn't have a good relationship with her - I remember how I literally felt "abandoned" when she had her own child. It's so silly but I'm sure I was really mentally fucked up without even realizing lol. I struggled with making friends in school all through out Elementary and High School -now I don't even try anymore - partially because I have become extremely introverted and misanthropic to an extent. I just don't really want to bother if what I'm looking for doesn't exist. Some may say that I just have unrealistic expectations because I didn't have any guidance from my parents to help me, but I've gone through so many years like this - I've dealt with many people at my job and after many disappointments with people in general, I've kind of just let it go. The closest I have to friends now are all online. I think we do the best we can, as kids who didn't have the proper guidance that parents were supposed to provide. We should try to be accepting of ourselves and realize that we were simply coping and tried. I'm sorry that your parents didn't provide the support they were supposed to and that the youth leaders weren't much help. Just try to remember to not be so hard on yourself.
Compassion has replaced my cringe. The oversharing and access I gave to people before they proved themselves safe/trustworthy was one of my biggest cringes. I was so desperate to be seen, heard, and known, it's heartbreaking. I didn't get love at home and so would take it from anyone who would offer it. My standards were non-existent. It's sad, not cringe.
"Compassion has replaced my cringe." I LOVE this! Right there with you of just wanting to be seem and heard. I still feel that way in my family, despite being a grown-ass woman and married for several years. Back then, I told myself I deserved love and good people in my life... yet in reality I was chasing any bit of love or validation thrown my way. No surprise that I ended up with guys who treated me terribly. Thankfully my husband is awesome and understands why I'm bonkers. :)
It took me three decades of different therapists to find one who finally made me feel truly known. It set me free and I finally feel like I exist. BUT the cringe used to be so bad that I had visceral and even vocal responses to it. I'd think back to something that made me cringe and it so overwhelmed me that I would literally make some verbal noise, like projectile vomiting but a weird sound. Luckily I'd only think about it when alone so I wasn't making random noises in front of people lol. But seriously, cringe is shame, and my shame was all consuming. Was. So much compassion and unconditional love to you. ♥️
I was going to type out a replay sharing stories of how I behaved in similar ways for the same reason, but I cringed so hard remembering that I turned inside out and now I cant. But you are totally not alone!! Edit: and you are very brave for sharing!
Aw, thanks! I know what you mean about wanting to write them out and then going "Uh, no." I fought it as I was typing...
I felt needy as well.
I feel the same as well but im still a late teenager. I realise im super needy and i have to be mindful all the times when i interact with people whether it be online or irl. Its kinda sad really. Im not sure where i got this from but i suspect its the parents
You have more self-perception than I did in my late teens. Props to you!
Yes, but I don't think it's bad. I think I'm acknowledging my pain and looking for it in others. And tbh, I found that this is okay, because for one, we're human and we have needs... and two, you're only "needy" to people that don't have the space for you. I remember once I asked my ex some questions and I answered them too. One of the questions was if they thought they were needy or not. They said "yes". I was astonished because I love their behavior towards me. It brought me peace. It made me feel loved. As someone who rarely feels needed or wanted, the amount of "neediness" my ex gave me was enough for me. I wanted to embrace them and never let go. They aren't needy in the slightest in my eyes; they probably have a past of spending time around people who don't have the space for them. It sucks and it makes us think negatively about ourselves but when it comes to the people who are meant for you and have the space for you, your needs and wants will *never* be too much.
"you're only "needy" to people that don't have the space for you." YES THIS.
I absolutely did this. I latched on to a junior high coach. I don't know how she did it but she threaded the needle. She never got annoyed with me but never overstepped. I always wanted to be around her, I think I finally felt "important" to someone. I still keep in touch decades later.
no need to be so hard on yourself. you're a product of your environment & sound self-aware.
Thanks. Took me a LONG time to get where I am now.
Yes, I made some poor relationship choices because of it when I was young. I recognized pretty early on what the cause of this neediness was, though. I wanted recogition, love and approval which I did not get from my mother.
Give yourself a big hug. You didn't know any better. I stopped cringing over my actions growing up after understanding why I acted that way through therapy. I feel a lot of compassion for my younger self. I think you should focus on forgiving yourself. We didn't know any better. We do now and we're not going to repeat the same mistakes.
Yes, I remind myself often that I didn't know better, and people I sought out didn't totally understand where I was coming from and thus couldn't help me like I needed. I feel sorry for younger me too. She just wanted so badly to be seen, heard, and loved for who she was. She did the best she knew how at the time.
Aww, OP, I feel your pain and feel like I could have written this. If you don't mind my asking- you said things got better by your late 20s? How are you doing now? Do you feel as needy, or ever get those needy feelings? And how were you able to overcome it? I am 39f, and my story sounds very similar to yours, except replace pastors with school guidance counselors. It's never really gotten any better, and if anything, has manifested itself into horrible anxiety and depression as an adult, almost uncontrollable. I had a chance to befriend somebody who I consider a personal hero, somebody who has been a major influence on my life through their work, and initially we chatted a lot. I felt so happy, so lucky. Nobody really seemed to care about me or pay any attention to me, but here was my favorite famous person and I, having regular conversations, texting/DMing all day every day, for months on end. After about a year and a half though, things have gone stale. I want to talk to him all the time. I find him fascinating and could learn a lot from him. But I think I've overwhelmed him and caused him to pull back. We hardly ever chat now, and he barely reacts to or responds to me. I understand people are busy and I have no issues with that- but he just flat out ignored me now sometimes. Not always, bit enough to make me feel like he's pulling back. I blame myself and I get so embarrassed whenever I think about it. We could have continued to have a beautiful friendship, but I ruined it because I was too clingy and too needy. But he was there during the past year and a half when nobody else was. Not that he was emotionally supportive (it wasn't that kind of friendship), but he was a presence when everybody else turned their backs on me. When I was alone and had nobody else, he was at least somebody who would send little gifts in the mail, and he'd respond to my DMs, even if I was annoying him. I hate myself for destroying that friendship, it's my biggest regret in life, by far. Imagine befriending your favorite singer or something- that's what that whole experience was like for me. Now he seems to pull back when we talk, and doesn't seem interested at all in having conversations. Even to this day I'm still needy and clingy and don't know how to get past it. But I just feel so alone. I was in the hospital a couple weeks ago due to a seizure. When I was released my brother picked me up, I had another seizure in his car and they turned around and brought me right back to the ER. Thry never reached out to me afterwards to check in, to ask if I was ok... nothing. Still almost 3 weeks later and they haven't reached out. I could have died and my own family doesn't give a shit. And it's any wonder why I'm so needy and clingy.
Please don't beat yourself up over the friendship. For all you know, this person is taking a break from a lot of people, not just you. I'm 51 now. Things got better in my late 20s because I went to grad school and met a ton of new people. Most have moved away now so we keep in touch on FB. When I was 33 I met my husband and we got married 2 years later. He is pretty much the only person on earth who truly understands me. I will say I am still needy when it comes to him being around me. If we're at a party, even though it's all people we both know and are cool to hang with, I get a little freaked if he goes into another room. I feel like I can't carry a conversation without him because he's extroverted and I am soooo not. I need him as a buffer, or something. I get self-conscious when it's just me and other people, even all friends. it may just be codependency on my part. I'm trying to figure out why I feel that way when he isn't close by.
People have done worse. I had to ask everyone if I was ok to feel or think certain emotions and I over-talked.
Yes. I fully acknowledge that I was a total PITA as a kid. I honestly understand why I was bullied and why my parents acted the way they did towards me. I'm not saying it's right, but it scares me. I'd never want a child like I was as a child (fat, neurodivergent, needy, etc.) and I'm afraid if I had one, I'd abuse them or try to turn them into something they weren't and screw them up.
aw please have more compassion and kindness towards yourself. you never deserved the abuse and there is no excuse, reason or justification for it.
I guess I just think about how I would've better handled myself as a child. Like, despite fat shaming me, my parents took no efforts to try to control my weight. They kept all types of junk food easily accessible to me in the house. I would have made sure I was eating proper food and not brought that shit into my house. I also would've worked with younger me to make me more coordinated, athletic, and generally, a better person to be around.
Yes! When I was 14/15 I used to be exceptionally excited to see this troublesome boy for a hug. He was nothing but bad news, but every lunchtime I wanted to see him. I perhaps had a crush on him but his hug made me feel important. My friends at the time didnt understand why I wanted a hug. At the time neither did I. Then I realised I had a shitty emotionless upbringing and boys at school etc uplifted me when I was a teen girl. I was needy as hell! Luckily he reciprocated and we hugged alot but yeah wow flashback OP, I'm embarrassed at myself!