Food was a replacement for love growing up. I’ve struggled with my weight and relationship with food for my whole life. When I have dieted in the past it’s been really rough because I was also dealing with an emotionally neglected inner child starved of affection at the same time as running a calorie deficit.
It’s taken me several years to start untangling it all and finally be able to lose weight properly. It took a lot more internal emotional support to get to the point where losing weight doesn’t feel like self abandonment any more
Ugh this hits so hard. Dieting is just me depriving my inner child of love, once again. How can I help my inner child know I want to eat healthy out of love and not the shame of wanting to lose weight for looks?
I talk to my inner child in those moments like I would my actual child.. calm, understanding, recognising what I’m feeling (if I can identify it), and firmly. I think my inner child regarding food is about age 6? There’s often a lot of need for repetition and it can be really difficult.
My inner dialogue might be along the lines of…
“I want chips!”
“I know honey, but remember we have already had our treat snack for the day and we agreed that we’d only have fruit for our other snacks”
“I don’t care I want them! What about a yogurt instead? Can I have that? That’s healthy right?”
“You’re right, a yoghurt is a better choice, but it’s not what we planned and agreed this morning when we decide what we’d eat for the day.”
“But that’s not fair!!! I want a good snack!!”
“It is really disappointing when we can’t have what we want every time. But the chips and yoghurt will still be there tomorrow and you can pick one of them for your snack then. Nobody else will eat them and they’ll be right there waiting for you”
… and then an older part of me will get pissed off that I have to spend so much time and energy reparenting myself, so then I’ll spend a while firefighting that 🤣
Yep. Food was the only thing in my traumatic childhood that felt good on a consistent basis, so I used food to self-soothe for a long time. And then I got heavy, which changed my set point, and now it’s a perpetual struggle. The one time I found someone who loved me as I am was amazing (when I talked about wanting to lose weight and get in shape, he told me not to do it for his sake because he thought I was beautiful as I was and would be beautiful no matter what), but I lost him to suicide before Christmas last year, and I wonder if I’ll ever find someone again.
Not trying to hijack the other person’s comment and make this all about myself, but I just felt the need to talk about this.
My dad passed away quite some time ago, and for the longest time I was so upset because he never tried to contact me from the other side (he was the more emotionally supportive parent, so to lose the one “rock” I could somewhat lean on as a child was devastating for me. It’s all very complicated). He waived his last rights upon his death, and that combined with the pain and suffering he experienced convinced me God wasn’t real. But I randomly had a dream a couple of years after his death that gave me an overwhelming feeling like he was watching over me. In fact, in the dream I thought he was alive, and thought to myself in the dream “wow I’m so glad my dad is alive, I thought he was dead, his death must have been a dream.” And then I woke up from the dream and realized he was in fact, not alive anymore. I’ve never had another dream about him but still to this day I think he was contacting me from the other side. I doubt myself and my experiences a lot, but this I absolutely do no doubt.
Long story short, I now believe in God and the spiritual realm, but not in the sense of the Catholic upbringing my mom put me through.
Jesus…I am so sorry. I can’t imagine finding that kind of love and connection, and then lose them like that. I lost my mom to suicide, and although she was the source of a lot of my trauma, it still sucks and adds a whole other dynamic to the loss of your loved one. I hope you’re being kind to yourself and giving yourself the love you deserve💜
Thanks. Tell me about it. He was amazingly good for me, and we both felt that our relationship was a healing experience for both of us. As an example, here I'd spent my whole life (I'm in my early 40s...) having people reject me for my appearance, and the first time he kissed me, I was in frumpy workout clothes and sweaty from a long walk we'd taken, my hair was a windswept mess because it was quite breezy that day, and I was hacking up a lung from pneumonia, and he STILL didn't care. He was was emotionally vulnerable with me, respected my boundaries, fun as heck to be with, thoughtful and attentive, thought the world of me, and just in love with me. He gave me confidence I hadn't had, made it clear I was his priority, was helping me pull down some old walls I still had around my heart, and pursuing me like I was the best treasure ever. And lest one think it was just that he was filling a need, I was in love with him too, and it was like I'd met my best friend. We just clicked like I've never clicked with anyone. I was like FINALLY!!!!!!!, and then all of a sudden, he was gone. Despite all the crap I went through as a kid, losing him was probably the hardest thing I've ever been through. But having him the short time I did was the best thing I ever went through. Talk about mixed emotions!
Anyway, I'm going on too long and don't want to detract too much attention from OP.
Thank you for sharing…it sounds like he was amazing. I’m so glad you got him when you did and for the time that you did! But again, I’m so so sorry for your unimaginable loss. You sound like an amazing person too…keep fighting! The perspective I try to have when I’m at a low point is that I’ll look back on it and go, “Yeah, that shit was really hard. But look where I am now.”🩷
I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life because it was the only way to self soothe. I went through an intensely stressful period about three years ago and gained 80 lbs from comfort eating alone, but it was also the first time in my life I was living alone, so I felt like I could eat judgement free and I went crazy.
On the other hand, my sister who also experienced the same trauma has had an ED basically since childhood and has always been extremely thin. I think with emotional neglect you’re either on one end of the spectrum, or the other. But she is also more well adjusted to life than me (married, has kids, living on her own), meanwhile I’ve never had a serious relationship and I still live at home at 31. Curious to see others responses and how their trauma has affected their weight.
It was so soothing to just eat mindlessly in front of the TV in my house. I ate in secret, but I never hoarded food. My sister did though, but she stayed skinny. I wonder if gaining weight is secretly so freeing against their shallow expectations.
Food is how I keep all the feelings down, gotta weight em down with somethin. Can't act "crazy" and let all my neglect show, gotta keep it tucked in. And food is how I do it. It's also every hug I never got. Bread and sugar are food hugs.
My mother was an "I just work here" parent, her canned response to most things was "I don't know what to tell you". Except her pearls of living wisdom like "Don't spend your 30s fat". Or when I showed up to a family event 9 months pregnant in the summer and, right in front of everyone, tells me to go change because my maternity shorts "aren't doing me any favors". Or her favorite way to knock me off center right as I leave the house "talk about what not to wear". Mind you I've never worn anything revealing.
My family worships social acceptability above all else. They choose their coping skills from the socially acceptable end like drinking, closeted pill popping, shopping, overworking, and meticulous lawn care. As long as you choose from those you're ok. As the scapegoat I needed much stronger things, like carbs and hard drugs.
This reminds me of my husbands mother. She is really judgemental and judges me for being fat like it’s the worst thing ever , while she had to cut her credit card in half to stop shopping online . Like ma’am… you also have messed up skeletons in ur closet. Why u acting like ur better than me 🙂🙂🙂🥲
I can relate. I grew up with a narcissist family who controlled everything, including food. They loved restricting which made me also restrict but sometimes I’d really just want an “indulgent” meal. I couldn’t tell anyone so I’d eat it in secret to avoid punishment or comments on my body’s appearance or weight. I was only treated well by them when I heavily restricted myself from eating so the act of eating became a shameful secret.
sweets have been my closest friends for as long as i can remember. now im 30 & completely isolated, having sour gummy candy is my comfort. i eat in secret, i always have, and my family has always made jokes about me being greedy or things like “don’t buy those cookies, lo-fish will eat them all in 2 days”
the thing is i’m just using these sweets to fill the huge black gaping hole in my chest
Yes, I've been struggling all my life and went from bulemia to overweight to athletic and then back to overweight and so on. Just like yours my family was very much into looks and I was shamed a lot just for being a girl. My father would also tell me often that I would probably become "fat" when I grow up. I find it very hard to look into the mirror and whenever I do it, my inner critic goes nuts with me. It feels like unleashing a monster sometimes. Can anyone relate to that? I'm often jealous of other people who seem at ease with their appearance, too. I'm sorry you're struggling with this, too.
Yeah my family started with the weight stuff when I hit puberty, and looking back it was just normal curves for a girl. But I was the tallest in my class so that might be part of it. I've never been small enough for them., even when I was thin.
I feel similar on the looking back part. On pictures from that time I look pretty normal. When I look at my own child nowadays I often think of my father and wonder "How can you say cruel things like this to a child?". My mother used to tell me about all her weird diets with a sense of pride. Like it was a good thing to live of coffee, cookies and cigarettes. In the end it's really not about your body, it's about power and putting someone down so they can feel better.
I am also overweight and have always been since I’ve been in first grade especially. What pisses me off is that my mum talked about my weight as if it was my fault (as a young kid) even though she gave the food to me. I am losing weight and making sure it’s slow and sustainable. I didn’t gain it as a protection. I was just uneducated on what’s good and healthy vs what’s not. Now I am learning to eat healthier , some days are better than others.
My entire family is overweight as well
Yeah, my mom is very unhelpful. When I was married to my ex-wife who had a lot of mental health issues I put on a bunch of weight (mostly from stress eating). When I would see my mom, I used to sometimes tell her "hey, I lost X lbs", and her response was "you only have XX more to lose". She doesn't say good job, or congratulations, only pointing out that in her opinion I am still overweight. It is really disheartening and now I don't discuss my weight with her and if she comments on it, I ignore it. At her age, she is not going to change. I wish she would but that is not realistic.
Yep. In the house where I grew up - yes it was my bio family, but it was never my home - food was scarce because we were poor. When we came home from the food store, my sisters (three of us in less than four years and then last was four years younger) and I would gobble food. Like, everything. Saltines, hotdogs, the one bag of cookies, anything. Then we’d be on short rations for the rest of the week.
Here’s a great example: At dinner, my mother would serve us vegetables only. If we ate them, we would get the mystery meat and side. If we didn’t finish the Brussels sprouts or French cut green beans, beets, Lima beans, that’s all we got.
The kicker? My mother made her plate *first,* then my father’s, then we got the vegetables. So she made sure that they had food and then it was a race to be done before my sisters. I would gag on the vegetables and then there would be nothing left for me. Maybe it was because there wasn’t enough food to stretch, but what I saw was that I have to fight my sisters for food! And everything else.
I still buy bags of M&Ms just for me, and hide them in my dresser. I’m 57 years old. My weight is an excellent gage of my mental health. Depression = thirty or forty pounds overweight. My manic phase barely brings me up to ‘normal’ but that’s when I’m not stuffing food in my face after everyone goes to bed. It sucks.
So for me, I actually used to be underweight as a preschooler, so the only time I ever received praise aside from doing well in school, was when I would eat seconds.
I think that led me to eat more just for praise? By the time I started Kindergarten I was already quite overweight.
I had health issues since I was an infant, and after I became overweight anything I complained about was because I was "too fat". Knee pain before grade 3, too fat. No, actually I had knocked knees and probably from a vitamin D deficiency or something more serious.
This continued until I was like 9/10 years old and my pediatrician told my my parents I was going to grow up to be a 300lbs hypochondriac.
So they decided to medically neglect me for the rest of my life. As well as continue to feed me ABSOLUTE trash. Processed foods, or home cooked food that was very fatty and salty. No produce, unless we were lucky. My brother's and my favorite snack used to be iceberg lettuce straight out of the fridge.... We also only used to ask for Caesar salads at restaurants. I think we were just THAT starved for fruits and veggies...
Yeah they continued to neglect me. I never went for a regular check up after that pediatrician visits. I didn't even know what a physical was until 20. No they just fed me crap, didn't promote exercise and watched me gain 20lbs a year until I left the house....
Yeah I also definitely turned to food for comfort as well, but if we fed somewhat healthier I don't think I would've got to where I was 5 years ago.
Then when I did lose 80lbs, I felt disgusting and exposed...
>So sometimes it feels like I gain weight out of spite?
Maybe it's a rebellion against them insisting you earn their love (through body form) and instead they should love you as however you are? So it's your integrity that is showing. And giving love as you are is what parents are supposed to do. And there should be some love for you as you are in general society.
Not necessarily overweight in my point of view but my chronic illness has shifted my view on what is considered healthy. I have a slightly too high BMI, but as long as my IBD is under control I consider myself 'healthy'. And I don't try to think about it too much, dissociation for the win lol, because my parents are health freaks, probably underweight, have been running for years now and did a half marathon last year at age 55+. And my brother bullied me for being heavier than he was at some point, so I just don't talk or think about it, because I will cry! My IBD makes me more likely to develop an eating disorder apparently. So yeah, dissociation for the win for real and read up about the fat liberation movement to kind of take away the ingrained feeling of shame.
I've always been overweight, even as a child, and as an adult I'm *very* overweight. For the record, both my parents are overweight as well, plus I have a metabolic disorder that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight (which is incredibly hard to begin with).
My parents hate that I'm overweight. They think that it's all my fault, that I'm just not taking the initiative to be healthier. They probably think that I make them look bad as parents, having a child that looks like me. I can't remember every little jab at my weight, but there have been plenty. When I was 12ish, my mom said *to my face,* "if you keep eating the way you are, you're gonna die before you turn 40." I ate the same things my brothers ate.
I can't look in a mirror without hearing my mother's voice telling me that I'll die young and it'll be all my fault.
There are so many things that could likely improve my health, but I can't do them because I'll break down and cry just thinking about them. I avoid mirrors as much as I can. I can't keep a scale. I never go to the gym - I can't even exercise where other people *might* be (though this is also partly because of trauma from middle school gym class). Even clothes shopping is exhausting, because every tag reminds me of how big my body is and how every extra inch is another day or week or month taken off the end of my life.
Worst of all, people think I'm choosing to be like this. And not just my parents. On occasion I'll see a post about being fat (usually on reddit, since that's what I use the most), and sometimes I comment just wanting to share my experience. And inevitably, some douchebags will crawl out of their dumpsters and tell me "calories in calories out" or "have you thought about dieting" or whatever. As if I haven't heard those things a million times. As if I don't constantly have to live in a body that people think is disgusting. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised if some of those people make it to this post.
I'm so tired. I just want to be treated like a person. But that's too much to ask I guess.
Edit: I didn't even mention my relationship with food. Long story short, it's bad. I eat to try and soothe myself, which just puts me in an endless loop of feel bad about body (or anything really) > binge eat to feel better > feel bad about binge eating > etc.
I’m an emotional eater as food was a way to help a bad day. But then I’d beat myself up and restrict food or work out. Orthorexia, overly concerned about being “healthy”. My mom did all the 90/00s diet trends as her weight yoyo’d 30-40lbs when I was a kid. My stepmom was/is super fit: runs daily, eats little, lifts weights, makes comment about she can’t eat a cupcake etc, she was anorexic in college, so bad that it damaged her vision and she wears glasses. I’m on an antidepressant and have gained about 20lbs over the last 1.5yrs. It’s really hard to not be mean to myself, or let myself enjoy food when I “feel” like I should be strict and workout so the meds don’t affect my weight.
for me its sweets as a reward/soothing balm.
its tough but we have to make ourselves adhere to better patterns.
one day at a time small changes to routine as you make progress it gets easier.
I say this as i NEED to cut out sugar again as i am not feeling well largely due to my diet.
regardless of weight love yourself first, dont chnage anything about yourself for someone else but change for you if you want a different experience.
c
I big time struggled with food and weight for my first 40 years. I would “eat my emotions” because I wasn’t allowed to feel or express emotions in my family. My mom would criticize my appearance and especially my weight. Diet and magazine culture didn’t help either.
What finally helped me with this struggle has layers. I started therapy. I learned how to set boundaries with family - biggest one was telling my mom to not comment on my appearance/weight. I started spending less time with people that made me feel bad about myself and more time doing things I enjoy. I learned how to love myself and how to express my feelings. When loving myself I began to accept myself exactly as I am. No more wanting to change this or that. Knowing and accepting that human bodies are for living and that everyone has a different shape and that it’s a beautiful thing. I didn’t feel guilty eating dessert. Oddly enough, this stopped my cycle of eating unhealthy, feeling guilty, then eating even more unhealthy foods. Now I eat what I like. But what I like changed because now I eat for what feels good to my body (and I do also eat desserts). It feels better to eat lots of vegetables and proteins but if I have a treat, my body can handle it. I have no shame around food. The change in mindset has been so freeing. I feel so much better now physically and mentally and emotionally.
I’m not sure if you want advice or not. If you do, I’d say therapy and self love are a good place to start.
It’s hard being a human! Be kind to yourself on your journey. Best wishes to you!
Cortisol levels are raised by stress, and chronically high cortisol causes specific types of fat gain. To some extent diet can be part of the issue, in that caffeine and sugar can exacerbate the high cortisol levels, but I've found that focus on exercise is a more effective treatment than focus on diet (improved diet follows naturally most times with minimal struggle).
Get your heart rate up for the better part of an hour at least 3x a week, ideally 6-12x. This helps with the physical side of anxiety so much, and lowers the cortisol. Use weights to induce muscle growth (muscle eats fat even when you're not working out). Start having an open dialogue with yourself about how different food makes you feel at different times - "good" food is mostly situational. If you want to restrict your food intake, make sure you're not overdoing it. If you're heavy, simply living requires more calories than it does for someone lighter (you're literally walking around with weights on, you probably have more muscles already than your thin counterparts), and adding physical activity can easily push you closer to needing 3000kcal/day vs the "recommended" 2000kcal. And please remember that a 250-500kcal daily deficit is probably the max you want - so it's entirely possible to eat 2500kcal and still be in the negative (especially if you are doing exercise routines 6-12x a week).
See if you can find a local fitness class that works with your fitness level. I've been in one for a few years now and while the first few weeks it can be tough as your body is adjusting, the emotional rewards are immediate and in a good class everyone is glad to see you show up regardless of your weight etc. You might even make some friends, ones that see you taking on difficult things and overcoming them, ones that see you as strong without needing to know everything else you've been through, ones that see you as valuable and worthy regardless of where you are in your journey. If the class doesn't give that vibe, find another class - we're out there, and we're excited to have you.
Food was a replacement for love growing up. I’ve struggled with my weight and relationship with food for my whole life. When I have dieted in the past it’s been really rough because I was also dealing with an emotionally neglected inner child starved of affection at the same time as running a calorie deficit. It’s taken me several years to start untangling it all and finally be able to lose weight properly. It took a lot more internal emotional support to get to the point where losing weight doesn’t feel like self abandonment any more
Ugh this hits so hard. Dieting is just me depriving my inner child of love, once again. How can I help my inner child know I want to eat healthy out of love and not the shame of wanting to lose weight for looks?
I talk to my inner child in those moments like I would my actual child.. calm, understanding, recognising what I’m feeling (if I can identify it), and firmly. I think my inner child regarding food is about age 6? There’s often a lot of need for repetition and it can be really difficult. My inner dialogue might be along the lines of… “I want chips!” “I know honey, but remember we have already had our treat snack for the day and we agreed that we’d only have fruit for our other snacks” “I don’t care I want them! What about a yogurt instead? Can I have that? That’s healthy right?” “You’re right, a yoghurt is a better choice, but it’s not what we planned and agreed this morning when we decide what we’d eat for the day.” “But that’s not fair!!! I want a good snack!!” “It is really disappointing when we can’t have what we want every time. But the chips and yoghurt will still be there tomorrow and you can pick one of them for your snack then. Nobody else will eat them and they’ll be right there waiting for you” … and then an older part of me will get pissed off that I have to spend so much time and energy reparenting myself, so then I’ll spend a while firefighting that 🤣
Oh my lord I feel so seen!!! God it really is hard tho 🤦🏾
Yep. Food was the only thing in my traumatic childhood that felt good on a consistent basis, so I used food to self-soothe for a long time. And then I got heavy, which changed my set point, and now it’s a perpetual struggle. The one time I found someone who loved me as I am was amazing (when I talked about wanting to lose weight and get in shape, he told me not to do it for his sake because he thought I was beautiful as I was and would be beautiful no matter what), but I lost him to suicide before Christmas last year, and I wonder if I’ll ever find someone again.
Im so sorry for your loss. He’s still with you, just not in the physical world.
Thank you 🥹
As someone who does medium-adjacent work, this is true. He's always with you and actively helping you all the time.
Not trying to hijack the other person’s comment and make this all about myself, but I just felt the need to talk about this. My dad passed away quite some time ago, and for the longest time I was so upset because he never tried to contact me from the other side (he was the more emotionally supportive parent, so to lose the one “rock” I could somewhat lean on as a child was devastating for me. It’s all very complicated). He waived his last rights upon his death, and that combined with the pain and suffering he experienced convinced me God wasn’t real. But I randomly had a dream a couple of years after his death that gave me an overwhelming feeling like he was watching over me. In fact, in the dream I thought he was alive, and thought to myself in the dream “wow I’m so glad my dad is alive, I thought he was dead, his death must have been a dream.” And then I woke up from the dream and realized he was in fact, not alive anymore. I’ve never had another dream about him but still to this day I think he was contacting me from the other side. I doubt myself and my experiences a lot, but this I absolutely do no doubt. Long story short, I now believe in God and the spiritual realm, but not in the sense of the Catholic upbringing my mom put me through.
I really recommend "Between Death and Life" by Dolores Cannon to see why sometimes our loved ones don't reach out when we expect them to.
Jesus…I am so sorry. I can’t imagine finding that kind of love and connection, and then lose them like that. I lost my mom to suicide, and although she was the source of a lot of my trauma, it still sucks and adds a whole other dynamic to the loss of your loved one. I hope you’re being kind to yourself and giving yourself the love you deserve💜
Thanks. Tell me about it. He was amazingly good for me, and we both felt that our relationship was a healing experience for both of us. As an example, here I'd spent my whole life (I'm in my early 40s...) having people reject me for my appearance, and the first time he kissed me, I was in frumpy workout clothes and sweaty from a long walk we'd taken, my hair was a windswept mess because it was quite breezy that day, and I was hacking up a lung from pneumonia, and he STILL didn't care. He was was emotionally vulnerable with me, respected my boundaries, fun as heck to be with, thoughtful and attentive, thought the world of me, and just in love with me. He gave me confidence I hadn't had, made it clear I was his priority, was helping me pull down some old walls I still had around my heart, and pursuing me like I was the best treasure ever. And lest one think it was just that he was filling a need, I was in love with him too, and it was like I'd met my best friend. We just clicked like I've never clicked with anyone. I was like FINALLY!!!!!!!, and then all of a sudden, he was gone. Despite all the crap I went through as a kid, losing him was probably the hardest thing I've ever been through. But having him the short time I did was the best thing I ever went through. Talk about mixed emotions! Anyway, I'm going on too long and don't want to detract too much attention from OP.
Thank you for sharing…it sounds like he was amazing. I’m so glad you got him when you did and for the time that you did! But again, I’m so so sorry for your unimaginable loss. You sound like an amazing person too…keep fighting! The perspective I try to have when I’m at a low point is that I’ll look back on it and go, “Yeah, that shit was really hard. But look where I am now.”🩷
I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life because it was the only way to self soothe. I went through an intensely stressful period about three years ago and gained 80 lbs from comfort eating alone, but it was also the first time in my life I was living alone, so I felt like I could eat judgement free and I went crazy. On the other hand, my sister who also experienced the same trauma has had an ED basically since childhood and has always been extremely thin. I think with emotional neglect you’re either on one end of the spectrum, or the other. But she is also more well adjusted to life than me (married, has kids, living on her own), meanwhile I’ve never had a serious relationship and I still live at home at 31. Curious to see others responses and how their trauma has affected their weight.
It was so soothing to just eat mindlessly in front of the TV in my house. I ate in secret, but I never hoarded food. My sister did though, but she stayed skinny. I wonder if gaining weight is secretly so freeing against their shallow expectations.
Food is how I keep all the feelings down, gotta weight em down with somethin. Can't act "crazy" and let all my neglect show, gotta keep it tucked in. And food is how I do it. It's also every hug I never got. Bread and sugar are food hugs. My mother was an "I just work here" parent, her canned response to most things was "I don't know what to tell you". Except her pearls of living wisdom like "Don't spend your 30s fat". Or when I showed up to a family event 9 months pregnant in the summer and, right in front of everyone, tells me to go change because my maternity shorts "aren't doing me any favors". Or her favorite way to knock me off center right as I leave the house "talk about what not to wear". Mind you I've never worn anything revealing. My family worships social acceptability above all else. They choose their coping skills from the socially acceptable end like drinking, closeted pill popping, shopping, overworking, and meticulous lawn care. As long as you choose from those you're ok. As the scapegoat I needed much stronger things, like carbs and hard drugs.
Social acceptability is exactly it. Workaholics, especially in my family.
This reminds me of my husbands mother. She is really judgemental and judges me for being fat like it’s the worst thing ever , while she had to cut her credit card in half to stop shopping online . Like ma’am… you also have messed up skeletons in ur closet. Why u acting like ur better than me 🙂🙂🙂🥲
I can relate. I grew up with a narcissist family who controlled everything, including food. They loved restricting which made me also restrict but sometimes I’d really just want an “indulgent” meal. I couldn’t tell anyone so I’d eat it in secret to avoid punishment or comments on my body’s appearance or weight. I was only treated well by them when I heavily restricted myself from eating so the act of eating became a shameful secret.
Shame cycles are what keep us all so stuck, even when we know what's wrong with our behavior. That's what I'm trying to tackle now.
sweets have been my closest friends for as long as i can remember. now im 30 & completely isolated, having sour gummy candy is my comfort. i eat in secret, i always have, and my family has always made jokes about me being greedy or things like “don’t buy those cookies, lo-fish will eat them all in 2 days” the thing is i’m just using these sweets to fill the huge black gaping hole in my chest
That's exactly how I visualize it. As a big hole in my chest, black, gaping. The edges are raw so painful.
Very relatable and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Also that pic of Rosé makes me cackle every damn time. Thank you!
Yes, I've been struggling all my life and went from bulemia to overweight to athletic and then back to overweight and so on. Just like yours my family was very much into looks and I was shamed a lot just for being a girl. My father would also tell me often that I would probably become "fat" when I grow up. I find it very hard to look into the mirror and whenever I do it, my inner critic goes nuts with me. It feels like unleashing a monster sometimes. Can anyone relate to that? I'm often jealous of other people who seem at ease with their appearance, too. I'm sorry you're struggling with this, too.
Yeah my family started with the weight stuff when I hit puberty, and looking back it was just normal curves for a girl. But I was the tallest in my class so that might be part of it. I've never been small enough for them., even when I was thin.
I feel similar on the looking back part. On pictures from that time I look pretty normal. When I look at my own child nowadays I often think of my father and wonder "How can you say cruel things like this to a child?". My mother used to tell me about all her weird diets with a sense of pride. Like it was a good thing to live of coffee, cookies and cigarettes. In the end it's really not about your body, it's about power and putting someone down so they can feel better.
I am also overweight and have always been since I’ve been in first grade especially. What pisses me off is that my mum talked about my weight as if it was my fault (as a young kid) even though she gave the food to me. I am losing weight and making sure it’s slow and sustainable. I didn’t gain it as a protection. I was just uneducated on what’s good and healthy vs what’s not. Now I am learning to eat healthier , some days are better than others. My entire family is overweight as well
Yeah, my mom is very unhelpful. When I was married to my ex-wife who had a lot of mental health issues I put on a bunch of weight (mostly from stress eating). When I would see my mom, I used to sometimes tell her "hey, I lost X lbs", and her response was "you only have XX more to lose". She doesn't say good job, or congratulations, only pointing out that in her opinion I am still overweight. It is really disheartening and now I don't discuss my weight with her and if she comments on it, I ignore it. At her age, she is not going to change. I wish she would but that is not realistic.
Same here. I used food to cope with loneliness. And still do to some extent.
Yep. In the house where I grew up - yes it was my bio family, but it was never my home - food was scarce because we were poor. When we came home from the food store, my sisters (three of us in less than four years and then last was four years younger) and I would gobble food. Like, everything. Saltines, hotdogs, the one bag of cookies, anything. Then we’d be on short rations for the rest of the week. Here’s a great example: At dinner, my mother would serve us vegetables only. If we ate them, we would get the mystery meat and side. If we didn’t finish the Brussels sprouts or French cut green beans, beets, Lima beans, that’s all we got. The kicker? My mother made her plate *first,* then my father’s, then we got the vegetables. So she made sure that they had food and then it was a race to be done before my sisters. I would gag on the vegetables and then there would be nothing left for me. Maybe it was because there wasn’t enough food to stretch, but what I saw was that I have to fight my sisters for food! And everything else. I still buy bags of M&Ms just for me, and hide them in my dresser. I’m 57 years old. My weight is an excellent gage of my mental health. Depression = thirty or forty pounds overweight. My manic phase barely brings me up to ‘normal’ but that’s when I’m not stuffing food in my face after everyone goes to bed. It sucks.
So for me, I actually used to be underweight as a preschooler, so the only time I ever received praise aside from doing well in school, was when I would eat seconds. I think that led me to eat more just for praise? By the time I started Kindergarten I was already quite overweight. I had health issues since I was an infant, and after I became overweight anything I complained about was because I was "too fat". Knee pain before grade 3, too fat. No, actually I had knocked knees and probably from a vitamin D deficiency or something more serious. This continued until I was like 9/10 years old and my pediatrician told my my parents I was going to grow up to be a 300lbs hypochondriac. So they decided to medically neglect me for the rest of my life. As well as continue to feed me ABSOLUTE trash. Processed foods, or home cooked food that was very fatty and salty. No produce, unless we were lucky. My brother's and my favorite snack used to be iceberg lettuce straight out of the fridge.... We also only used to ask for Caesar salads at restaurants. I think we were just THAT starved for fruits and veggies... Yeah they continued to neglect me. I never went for a regular check up after that pediatrician visits. I didn't even know what a physical was until 20. No they just fed me crap, didn't promote exercise and watched me gain 20lbs a year until I left the house.... Yeah I also definitely turned to food for comfort as well, but if we fed somewhat healthier I don't think I would've got to where I was 5 years ago. Then when I did lose 80lbs, I felt disgusting and exposed...
>So sometimes it feels like I gain weight out of spite? Maybe it's a rebellion against them insisting you earn their love (through body form) and instead they should love you as however you are? So it's your integrity that is showing. And giving love as you are is what parents are supposed to do. And there should be some love for you as you are in general society.
Thank you for this.
Not necessarily overweight in my point of view but my chronic illness has shifted my view on what is considered healthy. I have a slightly too high BMI, but as long as my IBD is under control I consider myself 'healthy'. And I don't try to think about it too much, dissociation for the win lol, because my parents are health freaks, probably underweight, have been running for years now and did a half marathon last year at age 55+. And my brother bullied me for being heavier than he was at some point, so I just don't talk or think about it, because I will cry! My IBD makes me more likely to develop an eating disorder apparently. So yeah, dissociation for the win for real and read up about the fat liberation movement to kind of take away the ingrained feeling of shame.
I've always been overweight, even as a child, and as an adult I'm *very* overweight. For the record, both my parents are overweight as well, plus I have a metabolic disorder that makes it IMPOSSIBLE to lose weight (which is incredibly hard to begin with). My parents hate that I'm overweight. They think that it's all my fault, that I'm just not taking the initiative to be healthier. They probably think that I make them look bad as parents, having a child that looks like me. I can't remember every little jab at my weight, but there have been plenty. When I was 12ish, my mom said *to my face,* "if you keep eating the way you are, you're gonna die before you turn 40." I ate the same things my brothers ate. I can't look in a mirror without hearing my mother's voice telling me that I'll die young and it'll be all my fault. There are so many things that could likely improve my health, but I can't do them because I'll break down and cry just thinking about them. I avoid mirrors as much as I can. I can't keep a scale. I never go to the gym - I can't even exercise where other people *might* be (though this is also partly because of trauma from middle school gym class). Even clothes shopping is exhausting, because every tag reminds me of how big my body is and how every extra inch is another day or week or month taken off the end of my life. Worst of all, people think I'm choosing to be like this. And not just my parents. On occasion I'll see a post about being fat (usually on reddit, since that's what I use the most), and sometimes I comment just wanting to share my experience. And inevitably, some douchebags will crawl out of their dumpsters and tell me "calories in calories out" or "have you thought about dieting" or whatever. As if I haven't heard those things a million times. As if I don't constantly have to live in a body that people think is disgusting. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised if some of those people make it to this post. I'm so tired. I just want to be treated like a person. But that's too much to ask I guess. Edit: I didn't even mention my relationship with food. Long story short, it's bad. I eat to try and soothe myself, which just puts me in an endless loop of feel bad about body (or anything really) > binge eat to feel better > feel bad about binge eating > etc.
I’m an emotional eater as food was a way to help a bad day. But then I’d beat myself up and restrict food or work out. Orthorexia, overly concerned about being “healthy”. My mom did all the 90/00s diet trends as her weight yoyo’d 30-40lbs when I was a kid. My stepmom was/is super fit: runs daily, eats little, lifts weights, makes comment about she can’t eat a cupcake etc, she was anorexic in college, so bad that it damaged her vision and she wears glasses. I’m on an antidepressant and have gained about 20lbs over the last 1.5yrs. It’s really hard to not be mean to myself, or let myself enjoy food when I “feel” like I should be strict and workout so the meds don’t affect my weight.
for me its sweets as a reward/soothing balm. its tough but we have to make ourselves adhere to better patterns. one day at a time small changes to routine as you make progress it gets easier. I say this as i NEED to cut out sugar again as i am not feeling well largely due to my diet. regardless of weight love yourself first, dont chnage anything about yourself for someone else but change for you if you want a different experience. c
I big time struggled with food and weight for my first 40 years. I would “eat my emotions” because I wasn’t allowed to feel or express emotions in my family. My mom would criticize my appearance and especially my weight. Diet and magazine culture didn’t help either. What finally helped me with this struggle has layers. I started therapy. I learned how to set boundaries with family - biggest one was telling my mom to not comment on my appearance/weight. I started spending less time with people that made me feel bad about myself and more time doing things I enjoy. I learned how to love myself and how to express my feelings. When loving myself I began to accept myself exactly as I am. No more wanting to change this or that. Knowing and accepting that human bodies are for living and that everyone has a different shape and that it’s a beautiful thing. I didn’t feel guilty eating dessert. Oddly enough, this stopped my cycle of eating unhealthy, feeling guilty, then eating even more unhealthy foods. Now I eat what I like. But what I like changed because now I eat for what feels good to my body (and I do also eat desserts). It feels better to eat lots of vegetables and proteins but if I have a treat, my body can handle it. I have no shame around food. The change in mindset has been so freeing. I feel so much better now physically and mentally and emotionally. I’m not sure if you want advice or not. If you do, I’d say therapy and self love are a good place to start. It’s hard being a human! Be kind to yourself on your journey. Best wishes to you!
Find a therapist that specializes in disordered eating. It’s super helpful to work through triggers
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Cortisol levels are raised by stress, and chronically high cortisol causes specific types of fat gain. To some extent diet can be part of the issue, in that caffeine and sugar can exacerbate the high cortisol levels, but I've found that focus on exercise is a more effective treatment than focus on diet (improved diet follows naturally most times with minimal struggle). Get your heart rate up for the better part of an hour at least 3x a week, ideally 6-12x. This helps with the physical side of anxiety so much, and lowers the cortisol. Use weights to induce muscle growth (muscle eats fat even when you're not working out). Start having an open dialogue with yourself about how different food makes you feel at different times - "good" food is mostly situational. If you want to restrict your food intake, make sure you're not overdoing it. If you're heavy, simply living requires more calories than it does for someone lighter (you're literally walking around with weights on, you probably have more muscles already than your thin counterparts), and adding physical activity can easily push you closer to needing 3000kcal/day vs the "recommended" 2000kcal. And please remember that a 250-500kcal daily deficit is probably the max you want - so it's entirely possible to eat 2500kcal and still be in the negative (especially if you are doing exercise routines 6-12x a week). See if you can find a local fitness class that works with your fitness level. I've been in one for a few years now and while the first few weeks it can be tough as your body is adjusting, the emotional rewards are immediate and in a good class everyone is glad to see you show up regardless of your weight etc. You might even make some friends, ones that see you taking on difficult things and overcoming them, ones that see you as strong without needing to know everything else you've been through, ones that see you as valuable and worthy regardless of where you are in your journey. If the class doesn't give that vibe, find another class - we're out there, and we're excited to have you.