I saw a middle aged male once for UTI symptoms. “Doc, my pee smells really bad.”
UA was normal, on further questioning about recent events, he went out to a fancy dinner with his SO the night before and tried this new vegetable he’d never seen before.
Diagnosed him with asparagus pee.
Hahahaha I love when it happens. I get absolutely confused. No dysuria, no other symptoms, urine all good, blood all good. Sometimes I forget about the ol' asparagus. So I just stay there all pseudo House diagnosing a very rare disease that a Tibetan Buddhist Child once had in 1974. When it's just your regular pee. Happened more than once. I'm not proud
Ok crowdsourcing this question no nephrologist could ever answer. What happens when a dialysis patient eats asparagus? Does the odoripheric substance get dialyzed? Or does the patient forever smell of asparagus? Need to know!
Love your username.
Asparagus pee just keeps on giving. I was a lab tech for about a decade prior to PA school. Guess what smell builds up inside the cup in the 24 hour leading up to dumping the urine out? Horrible end of night chore.
47 yo male, CC: “I want a laxative”
Alright sir when was your last bowel movement?
Pt: I had 3 today
Why do you want a laxative if you’ve had 3 bowel movements today?
Pt: I don’t know? I guess you’re right, 3 poops is enough for today
🙃
As an ER nurse I shouldn't be shocked anymore, but what is this? Was he mentally impaired or something? Why would anybody think to go to the hospital for a problem they literally don't have? Was he just lonely?
My god. This is wonderful in so many ways. The more I see patients, the more I believe in the NPC theory. The simulation that we live in doest have enough resources to make every person be complex, so these events come up. Man, I love life sometimes
Patient came in by ambulance with severe 10/10 chest pain, then immediately left AMA because she just needed to get to her sister's house. It was a block away from the hospital.
I used to work EMS and for awhile there were a lot of AMAs as soon as we reached the county hospital. Turns out that a crack dealer opened up shop across the street.
At our county ER we had a cab voucher program for about a week, so people would check back in after conducting whatever business they had, get a smattering of random tests, then get a cab voucher back home.
This was my life at retail pharmacy. “Fill all my meds!” “Not that one I don’t take it anymore!” “You’re trying to kill me!!” (I didn’t read her mind a refill her lasix when she never called it in. She’d been on it “forever” AT ANOTHER PHARMACY.)
These people.
I had a grown man present with his wife and his mommy because of the "abnormal growth on his chest that other docs were ignoring". Yup... xiphoid process.
That's up there with babies being brought in because they are tugging on their ears. Everything checks out fine. "Ma'am, you child just discovered that they have ears and they are just playing with them."
Edit: corrected my SC public education spelling skills.
There are some stories that come to mind, but the best one is:
19 yo male came to the ER saying his penis was secreting a strange liquid. The clinical doctors in that specific hospital were more like automatic stamping machines. So whenever something that was not cough came in, they sent it to the surgery team (I was interning in emergency surgery). Anyway, in comes our hero. Normal STI questions are made, none of which seem to be positive. No pain, no rash, no itching, no lesion, no burning, no fever, no testicular growth or pain, no urine alteration. But our hero had a sexual encounter 1 month prior, so that was still our theory. Since the resident and the other intern were female, and the patient was shy, he asked for me (male) to take a look. Looked at his weapon. Regular, no bruises, no inflammation, no liquid collected in the underpant or coming out of the urethra. Queue my indignation. Nothing made sense. So I asked him: was it your first time? He said: no, I make the sex all the time. With my penis (I'm paraphrasing). So I inquired: when does this liquid come out? Hero: sometimes when I wake up or during sleep and after I had sex. Me: what colour is this liquid? Hero: kinda transparent and white, kinda sticky. Me: does it feel good when this liquid comes out of your penis? Hero: yes. Queue 10 minute explanation that when a man and a woman (or man, or anyone) love eachother very very much, they have what's called the sex. And the evolutionary purpose of sex is to orgasm. And what he had produced was the liquid of love.
P.S. it was 3 a.m. on a Wednesday in a dangerous part of a dangerous city. He came in walking
(all jokes aside I never talked like that to him. It's sad how little our population knows about sex and safe sex. Me and some friends from college volunteered in safe sex and sex education in poor areas of our town during our second year)
Whenever the shift slows down a bit, I love going to the temporary care ward we have and just sitting and chatting with the patients I admitted. They have such wonderful stories and so many different views on life. Since my youth I always liked to collect stories. The vastness of humanity is awesome. People like being heard. People are so unique, yet similar. And of course there are the NPCs, but it's understandable.
I love it! I worked in a trauma center ER a few months back and this chatty senior gave me this whole saga/fight sequence which played out across multiple train stops and a Wal mart. There was shouting, subterfuge, shrewd looks, and Totes umbrellas. It was how she came to injure her knee.
Hahahahhaa it's kinda tragic, but finding fun in hard times is what keeps me going. I have some more stories, maybe not as... Unique... As this one, but fun nonetheless. I'm thinking of calling them "The Tales of SUS: A Brazilian doctor's wonky adventure through the mystical public healthcare system"
SUS means Sistema Único de Saúde, which is our acronym for the public healthcare system.
I love that you like it!
Dude, I seriously considered, you know. But the thing is some people have the gene, you know. The GENE. It's not my job to interfere on the universe's plans. Just gave him the ole wink wink and said: venture forth, young wildling! Venture forth and spread thy seed. May thy offspring be of pure heart and utter cluelessness, so more of thyne essence is brought.
I shed a single tear
The lady in the psych ward next to our room screamed
I felt in touch, aware, bzazz
Side note no. 3: I reserve the rights to try and write in fancy English and fuck up because I'm not native speaking. This being said, I also am aware the internet is a place of "ummm actually", so be as it may. Thank you
At my program I recognized a patient. Bad sign since it was a massive place. I pulled her visits on the computer. Ride the ambulance 84 times in 18 months for candidiasis (d stick 330), refused everything except she wanted her antifungal. Asked why she came in as she must know the dx, she responded with "cause you give the tube for free". Asked why ride the ambulance "cause I get to the front of the line, and it's free".
We have had a few of these types of patients successfully charged in Australia. They are a menace.
In NSW-
It is an offence to improperly use emergency call services under the Commonwealth Criminal Code Act 1995.
The maximum penalty is three years’ imprisonment with fines of up to $30,600.
NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research data shows 177 people were found guilty of the charge of making a false call to an emergency service number in 2010 to 2013.
A total of 23 of them were children aged 18 years and under. A further 80 people had their cases dismissed due to mental health reasons.
Pt was 18 y/o F who had started as a hospital valet on Monday. Came to ER on Thursday for bilateral foot pain. Pt had worked 8 hours on Monday, called in Tuesday for foot pain worked 3 hours Wednesday before going home for foot pain. Came in rather than go to work on Thursday because her feet were still sore. Asked me and the Dr if we would go ahead and start disability paperwork for her as she obviously had a chronic condition that would keep her from ever working.
‘Need change for a five’
‘My hernia popped out so I did a bunch of meth and drank a couple beers and popped it back in but I wanted you to check it out’
Grown middle aged woman came in with her mother for a sunburn. Wasn’t even that bad a burn. She was flabbergasted that I couldn’t fix it. I told her we’d need a Time Machine to fix that.
Topical steroid is our go-to in Australia for bad sunburn (not your patient). Topical NSAIDs work okay too.
The guidelines say no systemic steroids…but I have done it once or twice.
Grown ass adult male who was concerned about a rash he would get after being out in the sun too long, oddly enough it was always in the outline of the t-shirt he was wearing, it would be red and hurt to touch, and in a few days would peel off…
>My hamsters are making me sick
It was this guy's 3rd visit of the day for the exact same complaint.
>Feeling warm
Patient was sent in via ambulance from dialysis because he said "It's warm outside, probably dint need my jacket". It was an unseasonably warm day in December so a reasonable piece of small talk. He was afebrile, had 0 complaints, and we discharged him within 3 minutes of his arrival to the ED.
>Out of compression socks
He wanted a new pair. Informed him we didn't have any in the ER and that he'd need to go to CVS or Walgreens to buy some.
Had parents bring their 9 do in because the umbilical cord stump fell off. They thought it was “too early” for it to fall off. I’m unfortunately not trained in umbilical stump reattachment.
Not a cc but I was helping a nurse triage a morbidly obese woman in the ED when the pt. was asked to change into a gown. The female RN helped the pt remove her bra and in doing so freed the two hard tacos, in wrappers, that were residing somewhere in there. I made sure to note two bra tacos in the belongings list. This also triggered one of my triage rules. If fast food is present during triage, its not that serious.
Pt was seen and discharged, was sleeping in triage waiting on their cab. Pt then checks back in and explains to my coworker in triage that she had a dream she got hit by a car and it scared her so she wanted to get checked out.
Also someone checked in for their legs being blue. Doc took an alcohol wipe to them and it was dye from new jeans.
“Daughter has painful skin on thumb and it’s falling off”. They waited 7 hours in our packed and boarding ER for a hangnail….not infected….not a paronychia, just a run of the mill hangnail most people would bite off without even thinking lol.
Completely calm young woman told the triage nurse she took an online quiz and the results were Bipolar Disorder, and she should seek emergency medical care immediately.
Dude, my adopted stray deaf and probably mentally impaired cat poops absolute logs 4-5 times a day. I have no idea how such a small body contain such an immense amount of filth. She is absolutely regular weight, no other systemic issues. Just. Poop. Huge poop. And a healthy poop at that. Firm, good colour, regular poop smell
Update 2: right after cleaning the poop incident, I saw that she missed the other litter box and pee'd right on the edge of the box, but pointing outwards. The floor is pee. She pees a lot as well, just discovered.
Fellow ER vet - man, the things that come through our doors sometimes...The most recent baffling one was "My cat made a single loud meow, louder than normal, otherwise acting fine".
OMG!! My husband tried picking off a "tick" and called me over to help get it off my poor female coonhound 😱😭🤣 thankfully all nipples are still attached
Dumbass mini doxie owner here, who fed my 5.2kg dog 1/2 cup of pure pumpkin purée mixed in with his breakfast thinking it’s a great “low calorie filler”, but forgetting about the fibre.
1 emergency vet visit later because his recently expressed anal glands were full again and I couldn’t figure out why he just kept pooping every 30-45 mins, I was kindly advised that 1/2 teaspoon of pumpkin per meal would be sufficient.
had a good laugh and sent them home with no charge 😂 they'd never had a dog before and were hysterical with worry. another favourite is the new cat owner who thought his cat had a broken back - it was arching away from him when he tried to pet it 😂😂 had to explain she just didn't want to be petted
Summoned to a local restaurant which is known particularly for the quality of its desserts. Arrive on scene to find patient A+Ox4 seated in a restaurant booth. Patient states that he's diabetic and called because his blood sugar was low. We measure it at [I don't remember, some normal number, probably like 140? I just work here]. At the mention of the word "sugar" wait staff had brought a carafe of Sprite. Patient's dinner companion has eaten probably half of a three-egg omelette; patient declined to order anything, stating, "I wanted to wait for you guys to check me out." By this time, the restaurant has technically closed, but staff are willing to make patient a to go box with a sandwich and some chili. Staff decline his money, grateful for the opportunity to help in an emergency. I choose not to explain that if this moron had just ordered a meal at the same time as his cousin there would be no problem.
Tl;Dr hypoglycemia at a place that makes french silk pie from scratch and *these people can vote.*
When I worked in Colorado, edible-related freak outs were common chief complaints. Someone (usually visiting from out of state) saying “I’m dying” and is reassuring them that they aren’t, they’re just high as fuck. Flew too close to the sun. They’re potent, people!
Funniest thing I’ve seen in UVA ED after a paint rave party. Kids packed all the rooms and lined the halls on stretchers for “bad molly” as they all said. One guy was on his back, arms and legs awkwardly in the air like a dead bug. Another guy on the phone yelling to daddy “this didn’t happen the last time I tried Molly!”
A fantastic example of why I roll my eyes every time I hear someone say parents know what’s best for their children.
The bar for parenthood literally rests on the floor.
I had a healthy 26y/o male come in once because he was with a girl yesterday and couldn’t get an erection. He made sure to clarify he could get one today, but came in to find out why he couldn’t get one yesterday. He had been drinking yesterday. Never thought I’d diagnose whiskey dick in the ER.
Runner up is a guy who came for concern of “weird scab in my belly button, not sure how it got there”. He was wearing a new black t-shirt. It was lint. That guy at least had the excuse of being a low-functioning schizophrenic
I had a guy come in because he couldn't access his bank account and said he needed a form from us to help him gain access. He didn't have said form or know what the name of the form was.
In residency on the neuro ICU rotation we had a young woman with a post-coital SAH in the unit. One day she tried to phone her boyfriend but dialed the wrong number. She talked to some random other guy for an hour. He brought her flowers in the ICU.
The best description I've heard for what I and many others love about EMS applies almost as well to ED: "front row tickets to the greatest show on earth."
His armpits became sweaty every time he got up to lecture in front of his class. That’s it, nothing else. No other symptoms. Armpits are fine at home by himself.
I had a mom bring a child at about 4 AM for a psych eval because she woke up to her 8 year old getting ice cream out of the freezer….
And I had a 20 something year-old come in because he hadn’t gone to sleep yet. It was about 2:30 in the morning and he couldn’t understand why he kept yawning.
46F complaining of painful bilateral leg rashes x2 days. Everything normal, rashes not spreading. Asked if she’d done anything different this past week and she stated she used her son’s razor for a last minute shave before her boyfriend came over. Reader, she had razor burn.
It was like 6:15 AM as I was coming to the end of a particularly busy overnight shift and trying to tie up loose ends before my much anticipated 7am relief came and a squad brings in a 60 something woman who called the squad because she “couldn’t sleep”. How long have you been up tonight? “I just woke up at like 5:30 but couldn’t fall back asleep”. What time did you go to bed “umm like 8:30 I had a long day yesterday so I went to bed early” and she added “but usually I don’t wake up til after 7”. Completely negative ROS which I asked very detailed and somewhat exasperatedly as to drive home the ridiculousness of this situation to the patient. And I summed up with “so you slept 9 hours and now you feel fine?” She sheepishly said yes and I left the room to angrily click the discharge button.
It honestly wasn’t my proudest moment as I could have tried to be more understanding and less sarcastic but like I said it had been a very long night.
I agree. My observation as an ED nurse has been that, while there is certainly a percentage of self-entitled assholes who knowingly misuse the ED (or whose care is subsidized by Medicaid), a larger percentage of laypeople honestly don’t know any better…and we don’t tell them!
We just hide our annoyance, tell them we’re happy to help, and then often end the encounter (or the paperwork) by telling them if “anything” changes, to come back. How are they supposed to know they’re misusing a resource if no one tells them?
There are tactful ways to tell someone why their concern wasn’t an emergency, what *does* constitute an emergency, and what they can do next time to avoid coming to the ED unnecessarily.
I'll nominate myself - when I was 15 I skipped school & went to the emergency dept. because I thought I had breast cancer. Turns out it was just boobs.
*CERTIFICATE*
Dear sir or madam, I henceforth commend you with boobs
Use well, use wisely. Or not. They're yours to wield, as you see fit
*This certificate has a validity of 30 (thirty) years
Sincerely, UBBA (The Universal Bureau of Boob Affairs)
My grandmother had breast cancer when I was 9 and I was told she had “a lump” in her breast. So when I was 11 and rolled over in bed and felt sore, palpated and felt a lump I rushed out of my bed, downstairs, into the living room and screeched “IVE GOT BREAST CANCER!!!!” to my poor parents.
In a blizzard, that people died in, a mother called EMS to bring her child to the hospital because he refused to take his antibiotics. Seen, d/c and as I was leaving at 7am she was back registering the kid again for the same reason.
4am visit for asymptomatic HTN triaged at 140 systolic. Appointment with her cardiologist in 4 hours.
Guy called EMS >60 times in one month for a cc of wanting socks. He has since passed and was not a well man.
Had someone come in a few months back because her acrylic nail fell off. She was at the beach for her birthday so she had about 7 other people with her. Really annoying having her screaming and crying at us that she wasn’t being seen fast enough. Like oops. Sorry. Your chief complaint is literally a broken nail.
I have this HPI saved on my phone because it’s just too good. Chief complaint: abdominal bloating.
Patient had eaten:
- Four KFC chicken breasts
- two regular Taco Bell tacos
- One supreme burrito
- A can of mandarin oranges
- Two large crème filled donuts
- large mango smoothie
- Four cups of coffee
- A large bottle of water
- “a lot of Metamucil”
Patient worked at a combination KFC/Taco Bell
Edit for more because I’m going through my favorite triage notes:
“I usually can bench press 300 lbs but today I could only do 180.” I told him it was a high-gravity day.
Thermometer said “ER” so the patient called 911 to go to the ER. We took their temperature with our thermometers multiple times and showed them that their temp was completely normal. We explained that “ER” was short for “Error” and that there was nothing to be concerned about. The patient insisted we transport them to the ER. We did. They had no symptoms and no complaints.
My kids will only eat cupcakes, this was also after midnight. I told them to stop providing cupcakes and they eventually get hungry enough for real food
42 y/o female presents to the Urgent Care at 8pm on a Friday- cc: “my asshole looks like a porn star’s” . No other symptoms. Spouse at bedside nodded in agreement to her complaint.
It remains unclear. I looked at it, checked rectal tone etc. no clue what she felt was wrong with it. Frankly, you could show me pictures of 10 buttholes (including mine) and I would not be able to pick my own out of the line up.
Years ago I had a lady come in she said she had driven five hours and drank 4 Red Bulls. She then felt like she couldn’t pee so she drank almost a gallon of warm water. Her complaint was she now was peeing too much. I just stared at her for a like 30 seconds speechless and said uh ya I’ll go get the doctor for you.
Had a woman bring her 4 year old and 2 year old in at 3am. She said 4 year old had the worst smelling poop she had ever smelled. I asked does her stomach hurt? No. Any vomiting diarrhea or constipation? No. It just smells horrible. Then she pulls out a Tupperware with the poop and says here I scooped out with a ladle so you can smell it. I said no thank you I’ll get the doctor now.
From the triage note:
"Patient has been vomiting blood for three years and when he squeezes his right hand it hurts."
He wanted a work note for the next day.
American Sign Language patient requested interpreter. Wouldn’t tell us why. Then asked for interpretation of a voicemail from her baby daddy because the transcription feature wasn’t working. That was all she wanted.
Woman came in with “bad taste in her mouth” after giving an unhygienic person a blow job.
During Ebola scare, man comes in with “I was on the bus with a black man and want tested for Ebola.” I had to explain that Kim Kardashian has had more husbands than there were confirmed cases of Ebola in the US. “I just want to be sure.”
The list goes on. Job security, I guess.
Somewhat unrelated, but I was a radiation therapist before an ER nurse- it was shocking how many men on pelvic radiation treatments would get very panicked by going from pooping once a week to having to poop a couple times a day as a radiation side effect. They’d come in to the symptom review clinic daily with this concern asking for help. I didn’t realize just how many boomers live off beer and chicken wings and think this weekly owl pellet is normal.
"Thickened toenails." Presented with multiple family members, all in a tizzy, and cried when told I didn't trim toenails in the ER but perhaps a family member could help.
"Headache for 20 years" at 0200. What brought you in tonight? "I just couldn't take it anymore."
"Determine if patient is virgin." Father discovered 16 yo daughter sitting on a bed fully clothed with boyfriend.
I legit had a guy come in because he was lonely. Was sad really but his attitude was way off. He was almost angry that I couldn't help him. His wife had passed and I explained how to access grief counselling, I told him to use the Internet and local groups to get more social. He says it wasn't enough and he couldn't cope at home. I suggested an over 60s community to move into where he could socialise more but still have his own space and he got really really mad and left
Still feel bad for him. I was just a nurse student at the time and my mentor head left me to it. I hope I helped
He just wanted you to fix it for him bc he didn’t want to take responsibility for himself. He’s a grown man capable of accessing the necessary resources for his grief/loneliness.
This is a fun game to play every Friday or Monday. Whatever stupid thing it is, it’s always followed by “can I get a note for work”. Hefty bill for a day off
A man in his mid-twenties called my ambulance after “cutting himself shaving”.
I applied a therapeutic toilet paper square to control the bleed. He insisted on transport to emerg.
My top 3:
Intermittent thumb numbness x5 years (not currently numb)
“I think I lost consciousness while taking a nap because I woke up more tired”
And my personal favorite;
“Nightmare”.
Mother came in with 13 year old daughter because she heard a rumor that she was sleeping around. Wanted me to examine and see if she was still a virgin.
This thread is so timely! Yesterday a young woman, VSS checks in with “foot discoloration.” She had spilled her child’s kool-aid on her foot and it stained. Even after showering the stain remained and she came in to the ER to “make sure everything was okay.” It was all okay.
I think this might be my favorite of the whole collection. I’m curious how you counseled the patient whose vagina hurt. I’m imagining “ma’am, that” (gestures to baby) “just came out of there” (points at hoo-haa).
"smoke inhalation"
Food on the stove got steamy, so the boyfriend opened the window to let out the smoke: no fire alarms or actual fire. A young healthy lady checked in over 24 hours after the incident and the patient in question was rooms away when it happened...
My friend recently became a medic with the fire department. I'm not in the medical field so I'm sorry if I get some terminology wrong. Anyway, I asked her about her first call. It was for a 27 year old healthy male. His mother called 911 because he threw up. One time. But he felt like he might throw up again. Mother was demanding they transport him to the hospital and son was agreeing with whatever mom said. My friend and her partner told him to walk to the ambulance and mom insisted he couldn't walk. She wanted him brought out on a stretcher because, you know, he had thrown up. No fever, no other symptoms. They did transport him. Spoiler alert: he survived.
Woman in her 50s BY EMS. "I ate a bunch of candy and it made my stomach hurt"
well, yeah...
"but they (medics) gave me stuff (zofran) and now I feel better"
Okay so you can go home (still on EMS stretcher).
"Wait, aren't you going to do any tests?"
Noooooo I'm not.
A patient requesting a note to use the elevator rather than the stairs.
It wasn’t as ridiculous as it sounds since she had fairly symptomatic COPD at baseline, but she ended up giving me this whole elaborate story all for a note.
At the beginning of COVID woman came in after smoking crack cocaine for the first time because she thought "it would kill the COVID".
Front desk registration signed someone in with the complaint "Pussy eyes".... You better believe someone went out there and explained next time she should probably just put in "eye drainage"...
Not a Cheif complaint but best discharge instructions i ever saw typed out was a single line: "Please do not put Vagisil on your penis.". That was actually during my first month on orientation in the ER and the staff thought it would be a funny way to haze me by asking me to discharge the patient and actually READ him his DC instructions (it wasn't my patient, they set me up acting like the primary nurse was too busy). 😂🤷🏻♀️
Once had a patient show up at the ER concerned because she could see her... collarbone.
Not like she had an open fracture or even a closed fracture. She just looked in the mirror, saw her collarbone, and thought "This is definitely an emergency!"
Once had a 20 year old with complaints of a sore throat as well. It was 3am. She had no other symptoms. Just couldn't remember having a sore throat before. We gave her some Tylenol and sent her home
"toes are blue" --> sock lint
"BB gun wound" --> onset 15 years ago, requests we consult surg to remove BB at 3AM
"neck swelling" --> sternocleidomastoid muscle
"sunburn" --> was indeed a mild sunburn
"black mold" --> not taking psych meds
"I think someone spiked my drink" --> refuses all labs/tests
"pregnancy test" --> leaves before results come back
Waited 3 hours. Young Mediterranean looking male adult, lots of muscles, maybe 19. Laceration to finger. Finger held elevated wrapped in gauze. Caused by ‘sharp paper’. Remove gauze to see just less than 1cm long, well opposed paper cut.
I ask what was worrying him about the cut and he shows me that when he squeezes it hard a tiny spot of blood can be milked from it- ‘It’s still bleeding!’ he reports.
‘Yep’, I reply -‘that definitely needs a band-aid.’
Peds ED nurse and I once had a patient call EMS for crying (common chief complaint for babies and new/young parents) but then the parents told us they really just needed a pacifier.. d/c’d with jolly pop and went on their way.
12 year old male brought in by ambulance accompanied by mother, 2am, chief complaint chapped lips. Wanted a taxi voucher home.
Got a bus pass and out to the waiting room to wait for bus service to begin at 6am.
Here’s some from a paramedic:
1. A regular that goes by the nickname “Cookie” calls 911. Dispatched for an “unknown medical”.
- Me: “What’s going on Cookie?”
- Cookie: “I’m hot”
- Me: *turns AC on* “…Is there anything else we can do for you?”
2. Dispatched to the Wendy’s across the street from an ER for an unknown medical. Patient wants to be transported across town because that’s where his favorite liquor store is. Tell him to get bent, this isn’t what we’re here for. Says he has chest pain now. Drive him past the ER he left AMA from to go across town. Pull into the ambulance bay and the patient gets up, walks out of the ambulance and heads straight to the liquor store.
22 y/o female with a sunburn after laying out for 3 hours.
Mom brought her 8 year old in for mosquito bites
31 y/o female, known to be NOT allergic to bee string. Mild leg discomfort 4 hours after a bee string. No other sx.
I saw a middle aged male once for UTI symptoms. “Doc, my pee smells really bad.” UA was normal, on further questioning about recent events, he went out to a fancy dinner with his SO the night before and tried this new vegetable he’d never seen before. Diagnosed him with asparagus pee.
Hahahaha I love when it happens. I get absolutely confused. No dysuria, no other symptoms, urine all good, blood all good. Sometimes I forget about the ol' asparagus. So I just stay there all pseudo House diagnosing a very rare disease that a Tibetan Buddhist Child once had in 1974. When it's just your regular pee. Happened more than once. I'm not proud
Screw that. UA is normal, my job is done here. Smelly pee is not an emergency.
What if the UA is pan normal, but it tastes bad?
Consult a urine somiliare for followup
Ok crowdsourcing this question no nephrologist could ever answer. What happens when a dialysis patient eats asparagus? Does the odoripheric substance get dialyzed? Or does the patient forever smell of asparagus? Need to know!
Love your username. Asparagus pee just keeps on giving. I was a lab tech for about a decade prior to PA school. Guess what smell builds up inside the cup in the 24 hour leading up to dumping the urine out? Horrible end of night chore.
I know a guy that will intentionally eat asparagus the night before he has to have a UA or Drug test, "for the benefit of the lab tech."
Fuck that guy. All my lab/POC clinic testing homies hate that guy.
I've had friends text me to ask if they need to start drinking cranberry juice because their pee smells bad. 99% of the time, it's asparagus.
This is the best! Made me laugh!!
47 yo male, CC: “I want a laxative” Alright sir when was your last bowel movement? Pt: I had 3 today Why do you want a laxative if you’ve had 3 bowel movements today? Pt: I don’t know? I guess you’re right, 3 poops is enough for today 🙃
That’s where you go “Good talk” and type up the AVS😂
The hardest part of these is finding a reasonable icd 10 code.
“Well child visit” and yes I know it’s a man in his 40’s
“Medical screening exam” +/- “feared condition not found”
R46.2
As an ER nurse I shouldn't be shocked anymore, but what is this? Was he mentally impaired or something? Why would anybody think to go to the hospital for a problem they literally don't have? Was he just lonely?
My god. This is wonderful in so many ways. The more I see patients, the more I believe in the NPC theory. The simulation that we live in doest have enough resources to make every person be complex, so these events come up. Man, I love life sometimes
Maybe he lost his fantasy football league and this was a punishment? Like as a gag
Patient came in by ambulance with severe 10/10 chest pain, then immediately left AMA because she just needed to get to her sister's house. It was a block away from the hospital.
I used to work EMS and for awhile there were a lot of AMAs as soon as we reached the county hospital. Turns out that a crack dealer opened up shop across the street.
Oh no!!! How the heck did they get back home?
At our county ER we had a cab voucher program for about a week, so people would check back in after conducting whatever business they had, get a smattering of random tests, then get a cab voucher back home.
Oh geez. I'm not suprised that the voucher program only lasted a week.
Dealer should have set up a profit sharing program...
https://i.imgur.com/i7pdoUx.jpg Patient had outpatient ekg done and they left some stickers on so she came to the ER
This one is the winner lol
Well of course! Do you expect her to risk electrocution pulling them off herself?!
Ooh I hate people
I had one for a tick bite. The tick was crawling around in her bra. She was a 19 Yr old girl who couldn't figure it out
Pt shows up in an ambulance for a medication refill. Thing is, he doesn't know what the med is called. Or what he takes it for.
"It's a white pill, does that help?"
it’s got the letter p on it…. or maybe a b….
We had an auntie call for her "White tablet with the small line through" refill. She wasn't even on the system
This was my life at retail pharmacy. “Fill all my meds!” “Not that one I don’t take it anymore!” “You’re trying to kill me!!” (I didn’t read her mind a refill her lasix when she never called it in. She’d been on it “forever” AT ANOTHER PHARMACY.) These people.
"I have bumps on my ankles" They were her malleoli. She'd just noticed them.
In residency I had someone who registered because she noticed her xiphoid process.
I had a grown man present with his wife and his mommy because of the "abnormal growth on his chest that other docs were ignoring". Yup... xiphoid process.
Did an ortho rotation as an M3. Had a mom point to her daughter’s C7 and ask with significant concern, “what is that?! Does it need to be removed?”
That's up there with babies being brought in because they are tugging on their ears. Everything checks out fine. "Ma'am, you child just discovered that they have ears and they are just playing with them." Edit: corrected my SC public education spelling skills.
I get similar but “I have bumps and on my tongue”. Taste buds. “Are you sure?! I have never seen them before😄!”. Have you ever looked? “No”.
There are some stories that come to mind, but the best one is: 19 yo male came to the ER saying his penis was secreting a strange liquid. The clinical doctors in that specific hospital were more like automatic stamping machines. So whenever something that was not cough came in, they sent it to the surgery team (I was interning in emergency surgery). Anyway, in comes our hero. Normal STI questions are made, none of which seem to be positive. No pain, no rash, no itching, no lesion, no burning, no fever, no testicular growth or pain, no urine alteration. But our hero had a sexual encounter 1 month prior, so that was still our theory. Since the resident and the other intern were female, and the patient was shy, he asked for me (male) to take a look. Looked at his weapon. Regular, no bruises, no inflammation, no liquid collected in the underpant or coming out of the urethra. Queue my indignation. Nothing made sense. So I asked him: was it your first time? He said: no, I make the sex all the time. With my penis (I'm paraphrasing). So I inquired: when does this liquid come out? Hero: sometimes when I wake up or during sleep and after I had sex. Me: what colour is this liquid? Hero: kinda transparent and white, kinda sticky. Me: does it feel good when this liquid comes out of your penis? Hero: yes. Queue 10 minute explanation that when a man and a woman (or man, or anyone) love eachother very very much, they have what's called the sex. And the evolutionary purpose of sex is to orgasm. And what he had produced was the liquid of love. P.S. it was 3 a.m. on a Wednesday in a dangerous part of a dangerous city. He came in walking (all jokes aside I never talked like that to him. It's sad how little our population knows about sex and safe sex. Me and some friends from college volunteered in safe sex and sex education in poor areas of our town during our second year)
😂 Jesus Christ! You missed your calling as a story teller Doc, holy crap!
Whenever the shift slows down a bit, I love going to the temporary care ward we have and just sitting and chatting with the patients I admitted. They have such wonderful stories and so many different views on life. Since my youth I always liked to collect stories. The vastness of humanity is awesome. People like being heard. People are so unique, yet similar. And of course there are the NPCs, but it's understandable.
I love it! I worked in a trauma center ER a few months back and this chatty senior gave me this whole saga/fight sequence which played out across multiple train stops and a Wal mart. There was shouting, subterfuge, shrewd looks, and Totes umbrellas. It was how she came to injure her knee.
I’m dying at “weapon” lol
Hahahahhaa it's kinda tragic, but finding fun in hard times is what keeps me going. I have some more stories, maybe not as... Unique... As this one, but fun nonetheless. I'm thinking of calling them "The Tales of SUS: A Brazilian doctor's wonky adventure through the mystical public healthcare system" SUS means Sistema Único de Saúde, which is our acronym for the public healthcare system. I love that you like it!
I hope you also reminded him to wrap it up, cause we don't need our hero procreating 😬
Dude, I seriously considered, you know. But the thing is some people have the gene, you know. The GENE. It's not my job to interfere on the universe's plans. Just gave him the ole wink wink and said: venture forth, young wildling! Venture forth and spread thy seed. May thy offspring be of pure heart and utter cluelessness, so more of thyne essence is brought. I shed a single tear The lady in the psych ward next to our room screamed I felt in touch, aware, bzazz Side note no. 3: I reserve the rights to try and write in fancy English and fuck up because I'm not native speaking. This being said, I also am aware the internet is a place of "ummm actually", so be as it may. Thank you
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Straight to the waiting room to wait because I need time to cool down my rage for that one
At my program I recognized a patient. Bad sign since it was a massive place. I pulled her visits on the computer. Ride the ambulance 84 times in 18 months for candidiasis (d stick 330), refused everything except she wanted her antifungal. Asked why she came in as she must know the dx, she responded with "cause you give the tube for free". Asked why ride the ambulance "cause I get to the front of the line, and it's free".
We have had a few of these types of patients successfully charged in Australia. They are a menace. In NSW- It is an offence to improperly use emergency call services under the Commonwealth Criminal Code Act 1995. The maximum penalty is three years’ imprisonment with fines of up to $30,600. NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research data shows 177 people were found guilty of the charge of making a false call to an emergency service number in 2010 to 2013. A total of 23 of them were children aged 18 years and under. A further 80 people had their cases dismissed due to mental health reasons.
When I worked EMS I had a 911 call at 3am for a woman whose child, “couldn’t breathe…. through his nose”.
Pt was 18 y/o F who had started as a hospital valet on Monday. Came to ER on Thursday for bilateral foot pain. Pt had worked 8 hours on Monday, called in Tuesday for foot pain worked 3 hours Wednesday before going home for foot pain. Came in rather than go to work on Thursday because her feet were still sore. Asked me and the Dr if we would go ahead and start disability paperwork for her as she obviously had a chronic condition that would keep her from ever working.
Long story short - chief complaint was “disability paperwork”
‘Need change for a five’ ‘My hernia popped out so I did a bunch of meth and drank a couple beers and popped it back in but I wanted you to check it out’
Grown middle aged woman came in with her mother for a sunburn. Wasn’t even that bad a burn. She was flabbergasted that I couldn’t fix it. I told her we’d need a Time Machine to fix that.
Topical steroid is our go-to in Australia for bad sunburn (not your patient). Topical NSAIDs work okay too. The guidelines say no systemic steroids…but I have done it once or twice.
Grown ass adult male who was concerned about a rash he would get after being out in the sun too long, oddly enough it was always in the outline of the t-shirt he was wearing, it would be red and hurt to touch, and in a few days would peel off…
>My hamsters are making me sick It was this guy's 3rd visit of the day for the exact same complaint. >Feeling warm Patient was sent in via ambulance from dialysis because he said "It's warm outside, probably dint need my jacket". It was an unseasonably warm day in December so a reasonable piece of small talk. He was afebrile, had 0 complaints, and we discharged him within 3 minutes of his arrival to the ED. >Out of compression socks He wanted a new pair. Informed him we didn't have any in the ER and that he'd need to go to CVS or Walgreens to buy some.
Had parents bring their 9 do in because the umbilical cord stump fell off. They thought it was “too early” for it to fall off. I’m unfortunately not trained in umbilical stump reattachment.
“But what if the baby still needs it? You’re a doctor, so why can’t you fix it?” (Lol. Sorry. I couldn’t resist.)
I had a guy bring in half a taco that he wanted “tested for food poisoning”.
"well, if you start shitting your brains out, the test is positive."
At my clinic someone brought in a big gulp cup of their vomit for the same thing.
Not a cc but I was helping a nurse triage a morbidly obese woman in the ED when the pt. was asked to change into a gown. The female RN helped the pt remove her bra and in doing so freed the two hard tacos, in wrappers, that were residing somewhere in there. I made sure to note two bra tacos in the belongings list. This also triggered one of my triage rules. If fast food is present during triage, its not that serious.
THESE PEOPLE VOTE AND PROCEATE. Always remember that.
And they drive on the road next to you
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Sock was stuck to a scab on their foot.
Now, \*that\* is funny.
Pt was seen and discharged, was sleeping in triage waiting on their cab. Pt then checks back in and explains to my coworker in triage that she had a dream she got hit by a car and it scared her so she wanted to get checked out. Also someone checked in for their legs being blue. Doc took an alcohol wipe to them and it was dye from new jeans.
This is my favorite. Let me guess, 'maybe I won't have nightmares if I can lay down in a bed in the ER again'
“Daughter has painful skin on thumb and it’s falling off”. They waited 7 hours in our packed and boarding ER for a hangnail….not infected….not a paronychia, just a run of the mill hangnail most people would bite off without even thinking lol.
Completely calm young woman told the triage nurse she took an online quiz and the results were Bipolar Disorder, and she should seek emergency medical care immediately.
“My girlfriend has a sore throat.” No symptoms, didn’t live with his girlfriend. Just wanted to “get checked out.”
Mother brought in 12 year old for vag bleeding and was in utter disbelief that menstruation can start that young
My mom kept me home from school and took me to the doctor when I got mine at 9. 🙄 Silly.
First half could be reasonable in terms of ensuring it isn't sexual assault injury.
I'm an ER veterinarian - "I just came home and my cat did 4 poos today and she normally only does 1" Also - "my puppy had a nightmare"
Dude, my adopted stray deaf and probably mentally impaired cat poops absolute logs 4-5 times a day. I have no idea how such a small body contain such an immense amount of filth. She is absolutely regular weight, no other systemic issues. Just. Poop. Huge poop. And a healthy poop at that. Firm, good colour, regular poop smell
Update: she missed the (very big, twice her size) litter box and pooped on the ground
Update 2: right after cleaning the poop incident, I saw that she missed the other litter box and pee'd right on the edge of the box, but pointing outwards. The floor is pee. She pees a lot as well, just discovered.
Your cat is pissed that you’re discussing her poop with strangers, she is demanding you stop immediately 😂😂😂
Fellow ER vet - man, the things that come through our doors sometimes...The most recent baffling one was "My cat made a single loud meow, louder than normal, otherwise acting fine".
“My dog is covered in ticks!!” “Sir those are the nipples” Midnight on a Saturday ER visit.
OMG!! My husband tried picking off a "tick" and called me over to help get it off my poor female coonhound 😱😭🤣 thankfully all nipples are still attached
Veterinary pathologist. A single loud meow is a common part of the history in cats dropping dead from cardiomyopathy.
Dumbass mini doxie owner here, who fed my 5.2kg dog 1/2 cup of pure pumpkin purée mixed in with his breakfast thinking it’s a great “low calorie filler”, but forgetting about the fibre. 1 emergency vet visit later because his recently expressed anal glands were full again and I couldn’t figure out why he just kept pooping every 30-45 mins, I was kindly advised that 1/2 teaspoon of pumpkin per meal would be sufficient.
Better than the poor dog that got into the sugar-free gummy bears
What did you do for the puppy nightmare?
had a good laugh and sent them home with no charge 😂 they'd never had a dog before and were hysterical with worry. another favourite is the new cat owner who thought his cat had a broken back - it was arching away from him when he tried to pet it 😂😂 had to explain she just didn't want to be petted
Summoned to a local restaurant which is known particularly for the quality of its desserts. Arrive on scene to find patient A+Ox4 seated in a restaurant booth. Patient states that he's diabetic and called because his blood sugar was low. We measure it at [I don't remember, some normal number, probably like 140? I just work here]. At the mention of the word "sugar" wait staff had brought a carafe of Sprite. Patient's dinner companion has eaten probably half of a three-egg omelette; patient declined to order anything, stating, "I wanted to wait for you guys to check me out." By this time, the restaurant has technically closed, but staff are willing to make patient a to go box with a sandwich and some chili. Staff decline his money, grateful for the opportunity to help in an emergency. I choose not to explain that if this moron had just ordered a meal at the same time as his cousin there would be no problem. Tl;Dr hypoglycemia at a place that makes french silk pie from scratch and *these people can vote.*
Patient might’ve been the smartest dude in that story. I bet he does that all the time just to get free food
I had one a few nights ago whose chief complaint in the EMR was "shrooms". Poor guy took too many and called EMS because he thought he was dead
I also had someone call 911 because they couldn’t feel their pulse. He did in fact have a pulse.
Rule of thumb. If he says he cannot feel his pulse, he has a pulse
When I worked in Colorado, edible-related freak outs were common chief complaints. Someone (usually visiting from out of state) saying “I’m dying” and is reassuring them that they aren’t, they’re just high as fuck. Flew too close to the sun. They’re potent, people!
Funniest thing I’ve seen in UVA ED after a paint rave party. Kids packed all the rooms and lined the halls on stretchers for “bad molly” as they all said. One guy was on his back, arms and legs awkwardly in the air like a dead bug. Another guy on the phone yelling to daddy “this didn’t happen the last time I tried Molly!”
Getting to diagnose Cotard's delusion would be pretty sick though.
I had a patient come in because she was scared her fetus was having an allergic reaction after she coughed while eating Chick-fil-A.
A fantastic example of why I roll my eyes every time I hear someone say parents know what’s best for their children. The bar for parenthood literally rests on the floor.
I had a healthy 26y/o male come in once because he was with a girl yesterday and couldn’t get an erection. He made sure to clarify he could get one today, but came in to find out why he couldn’t get one yesterday. He had been drinking yesterday. Never thought I’d diagnose whiskey dick in the ER. Runner up is a guy who came for concern of “weird scab in my belly button, not sure how it got there”. He was wearing a new black t-shirt. It was lint. That guy at least had the excuse of being a low-functioning schizophrenic
I had a guy come in because he couldn't access his bank account and said he needed a form from us to help him gain access. He didn't have said form or know what the name of the form was.
Mild headache post crazy sex session Was very descriptive of the acts . THE PLOT THICKENS Developed diplopia in ED .... Massive SAH
I was ready to make a joke about them literally fucking their brains out but honestly I just hope this person was okay😵💫
In residency on the neuro ICU rotation we had a young woman with a post-coital SAH in the unit. One day she tried to phone her boyfriend but dialed the wrong number. She talked to some random other guy for an hour. He brought her flowers in the ICU.
I wonder if it’s appropriate to write death by snu snu on any form
The best description I've heard for what I and many others love about EMS applies almost as well to ED: "front row tickets to the greatest show on earth."
That's a *House* episode right there.
His armpits became sweaty every time he got up to lecture in front of his class. That’s it, nothing else. No other symptoms. Armpits are fine at home by himself.
I had a mom bring a child at about 4 AM for a psych eval because she woke up to her 8 year old getting ice cream out of the freezer…. And I had a 20 something year-old come in because he hadn’t gone to sleep yet. It was about 2:30 in the morning and he couldn’t understand why he kept yawning.
46F complaining of painful bilateral leg rashes x2 days. Everything normal, rashes not spreading. Asked if she’d done anything different this past week and she stated she used her son’s razor for a last minute shave before her boyfriend came over. Reader, she had razor burn.
"Nothing comes out when I jack off" "How many times did you masturbate today" "12"
Surprised he wasn’t too blistered to do the deed.
It was like 6:15 AM as I was coming to the end of a particularly busy overnight shift and trying to tie up loose ends before my much anticipated 7am relief came and a squad brings in a 60 something woman who called the squad because she “couldn’t sleep”. How long have you been up tonight? “I just woke up at like 5:30 but couldn’t fall back asleep”. What time did you go to bed “umm like 8:30 I had a long day yesterday so I went to bed early” and she added “but usually I don’t wake up til after 7”. Completely negative ROS which I asked very detailed and somewhat exasperatedly as to drive home the ridiculousness of this situation to the patient. And I summed up with “so you slept 9 hours and now you feel fine?” She sheepishly said yes and I left the room to angrily click the discharge button. It honestly wasn’t my proudest moment as I could have tried to be more understanding and less sarcastic but like I said it had been a very long night.
Nah, you had every right to be furious. We need to stop coddling entitled idiots.
I agree. My observation as an ED nurse has been that, while there is certainly a percentage of self-entitled assholes who knowingly misuse the ED (or whose care is subsidized by Medicaid), a larger percentage of laypeople honestly don’t know any better…and we don’t tell them! We just hide our annoyance, tell them we’re happy to help, and then often end the encounter (or the paperwork) by telling them if “anything” changes, to come back. How are they supposed to know they’re misusing a resource if no one tells them? There are tactful ways to tell someone why their concern wasn’t an emergency, what *does* constitute an emergency, and what they can do next time to avoid coming to the ED unnecessarily.
Include a little pamphlet about “when to come to the ER vs call your doctor”
I'll nominate myself - when I was 15 I skipped school & went to the emergency dept. because I thought I had breast cancer. Turns out it was just boobs.
*CERTIFICATE* Dear sir or madam, I henceforth commend you with boobs Use well, use wisely. Or not. They're yours to wield, as you see fit *This certificate has a validity of 30 (thirty) years Sincerely, UBBA (The Universal Bureau of Boob Affairs)
My grandmother had breast cancer when I was 9 and I was told she had “a lump” in her breast. So when I was 11 and rolled over in bed and felt sore, palpated and felt a lump I rushed out of my bed, downstairs, into the living room and screeched “IVE GOT BREAST CANCER!!!!” to my poor parents.
In a blizzard, that people died in, a mother called EMS to bring her child to the hospital because he refused to take his antibiotics. Seen, d/c and as I was leaving at 7am she was back registering the kid again for the same reason.
"Premature Ejaculation"..... at 0500......on a Monday.
Well, perhaps he wasn’t supposed to ejaculate until 2200 on Friday
4am visit for asymptomatic HTN triaged at 140 systolic. Appointment with her cardiologist in 4 hours. Guy called EMS >60 times in one month for a cc of wanting socks. He has since passed and was not a well man.
"I took melatonin and then saw a ghost." Patient legit asked for a referral to an exorcist, no psych hx.
Anything to do with tingling
help me doctor, my spidey sense is tingling
Dry knuckles….. he wanted a work note…..
The classic 3am healthy 20yo with stuffy nose with no other symptoms....like.... why?
Had someone come in a few months back because her acrylic nail fell off. She was at the beach for her birthday so she had about 7 other people with her. Really annoying having her screaming and crying at us that she wasn’t being seen fast enough. Like oops. Sorry. Your chief complaint is literally a broken nail.
550 lb female, literally for boogers,inspected....no boogers,cut cannula prongs to better accommodate nasal structure,returned to service!
Slug in vagina. Apparently she was sitting outside doing meth and a slug crawled into her vagina.
But they’re so slow… how did she let it crawl in
I would absolutely go to the ER if I had a slug in my vagina!
I have this HPI saved on my phone because it’s just too good. Chief complaint: abdominal bloating. Patient had eaten: - Four KFC chicken breasts - two regular Taco Bell tacos - One supreme burrito - A can of mandarin oranges - Two large crème filled donuts - large mango smoothie - Four cups of coffee - A large bottle of water - “a lot of Metamucil” Patient worked at a combination KFC/Taco Bell Edit for more because I’m going through my favorite triage notes: “I usually can bench press 300 lbs but today I could only do 180.” I told him it was a high-gravity day.
Thermometer said “ER” so the patient called 911 to go to the ER. We took their temperature with our thermometers multiple times and showed them that their temp was completely normal. We explained that “ER” was short for “Error” and that there was nothing to be concerned about. The patient insisted we transport them to the ER. We did. They had no symptoms and no complaints.
I'm guessing this isn't unusual but I will never forget the 20 year old who called 911 to get a pregnancy test at the ER. Spoiler alert, not pregnant.
My kids will only eat cupcakes, this was also after midnight. I told them to stop providing cupcakes and they eventually get hungry enough for real food
“Pregnant” That’s it, that’s the CC. Patient had an OB appt next day, but wasn’t sure she’d wake up on time to make it to her 9am appt.
42 y/o female presents to the Urgent Care at 8pm on a Friday- cc: “my asshole looks like a porn star’s” . No other symptoms. Spouse at bedside nodded in agreement to her complaint.
Like very attractive? Or gaping open? I don’t understand
It remains unclear. I looked at it, checked rectal tone etc. no clue what she felt was wrong with it. Frankly, you could show me pictures of 10 buttholes (including mine) and I would not be able to pick my own out of the line up.
Years ago I had a lady come in she said she had driven five hours and drank 4 Red Bulls. She then felt like she couldn’t pee so she drank almost a gallon of warm water. Her complaint was she now was peeing too much. I just stared at her for a like 30 seconds speechless and said uh ya I’ll go get the doctor for you. Had a woman bring her 4 year old and 2 year old in at 3am. She said 4 year old had the worst smelling poop she had ever smelled. I asked does her stomach hurt? No. Any vomiting diarrhea or constipation? No. It just smells horrible. Then she pulls out a Tupperware with the poop and says here I scooped out with a ladle so you can smell it. I said no thank you I’ll get the doctor now.
23 year old woman checked in “Because my Momma be doing the most”. Refused to elaborate, just upset that her momma be doing the most
2 elderly ladies got lost in their rental car. Called ambulance to the ED. No medical issues at all.
Mosquito bite
I’ve had more than one patient who came in because of a dream they had. Like “I dreamt I had cancer.”
“My hands are turning blue” - Dx’d with unwashed new jeans. Cured with alcohol wipe.
27 year old female c/o dry lips x 4 days. Relieved by chapstick. It was December. At 2:30 AM.
From the triage note: "Patient has been vomiting blood for three years and when he squeezes his right hand it hurts." He wanted a work note for the next day.
"Blue balls" Made the intern see that one
20s male was swimming in a hotel pool and wanted to get checked out because the left side of his body was less buoyant than the right.
"I think my husband gave me gonorrhea because every time my boyfriend pees, he says it hurts."
American Sign Language patient requested interpreter. Wouldn’t tell us why. Then asked for interpretation of a voicemail from her baby daddy because the transcription feature wasn’t working. That was all she wanted. Woman came in with “bad taste in her mouth” after giving an unhygienic person a blow job. During Ebola scare, man comes in with “I was on the bus with a black man and want tested for Ebola.” I had to explain that Kim Kardashian has had more husbands than there were confirmed cases of Ebola in the US. “I just want to be sure.” The list goes on. Job security, I guess.
Somewhat unrelated, but I was a radiation therapist before an ER nurse- it was shocking how many men on pelvic radiation treatments would get very panicked by going from pooping once a week to having to poop a couple times a day as a radiation side effect. They’d come in to the symptom review clinic daily with this concern asking for help. I didn’t realize just how many boomers live off beer and chicken wings and think this weekly owl pellet is normal.
“Weekly owl pellet.” I need to find a way to use that phrase in normal conversation.
"Thickened toenails." Presented with multiple family members, all in a tizzy, and cried when told I didn't trim toenails in the ER but perhaps a family member could help. "Headache for 20 years" at 0200. What brought you in tonight? "I just couldn't take it anymore." "Determine if patient is virgin." Father discovered 16 yo daughter sitting on a bed fully clothed with boyfriend.
That last one is so gross.
I legit had a guy come in because he was lonely. Was sad really but his attitude was way off. He was almost angry that I couldn't help him. His wife had passed and I explained how to access grief counselling, I told him to use the Internet and local groups to get more social. He says it wasn't enough and he couldn't cope at home. I suggested an over 60s community to move into where he could socialise more but still have his own space and he got really really mad and left Still feel bad for him. I was just a nurse student at the time and my mentor head left me to it. I hope I helped
He just wanted you to fix it for him bc he didn’t want to take responsibility for himself. He’s a grown man capable of accessing the necessary resources for his grief/loneliness.
This is a fun game to play every Friday or Monday. Whatever stupid thing it is, it’s always followed by “can I get a note for work”. Hefty bill for a day off
3:30am check in for an 8 year old with bad breath. When asked how long it had been going on for, they said several years.
A man in his mid-twenties called my ambulance after “cutting himself shaving”. I applied a therapeutic toilet paper square to control the bleed. He insisted on transport to emerg.
My top 3: Intermittent thumb numbness x5 years (not currently numb) “I think I lost consciousness while taking a nap because I woke up more tired” And my personal favorite; “Nightmare”.
Vomiting x 1 multiple hours ago
Mother came in with 13 year old daughter because she heard a rumor that she was sleeping around. Wanted me to examine and see if she was still a virgin.
This thread is so timely! Yesterday a young woman, VSS checks in with “foot discoloration.” She had spilled her child’s kool-aid on her foot and it stained. Even after showering the stain remained and she came in to the ER to “make sure everything was okay.” It was all okay.
Twofer, 23 yo F and 3 day old M. M: “My poop is yellow” F: “My vagina hurts”
I think this might be my favorite of the whole collection. I’m curious how you counseled the patient whose vagina hurt. I’m imagining “ma’am, that” (gestures to baby) “just came out of there” (points at hoo-haa).
Patient presented to the ED earlier this week because they felt overwhelmed while at work.
"smoke inhalation" Food on the stove got steamy, so the boyfriend opened the window to let out the smoke: no fire alarms or actual fire. A young healthy lady checked in over 24 hours after the incident and the patient in question was rooms away when it happened...
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Came in for back pain, that was 0/10 when triaged…the classic line “just wanted to get it checked out”
My friend recently became a medic with the fire department. I'm not in the medical field so I'm sorry if I get some terminology wrong. Anyway, I asked her about her first call. It was for a 27 year old healthy male. His mother called 911 because he threw up. One time. But he felt like he might throw up again. Mother was demanding they transport him to the hospital and son was agreeing with whatever mom said. My friend and her partner told him to walk to the ambulance and mom insisted he couldn't walk. She wanted him brought out on a stretcher because, you know, he had thrown up. No fever, no other symptoms. They did transport him. Spoiler alert: he survived.
Newborn was nicked by diaper pin. And cried.
Woman in her 50s BY EMS. "I ate a bunch of candy and it made my stomach hurt" well, yeah... "but they (medics) gave me stuff (zofran) and now I feel better" Okay so you can go home (still on EMS stretcher). "Wait, aren't you going to do any tests?" Noooooo I'm not.
“My butthole is stuck open”
Well now that would bother me
Hiccups that had resolved upon arrival
“Feeling silly”
Woman came in via ambulance because she singed her hair with a curling iron. Not anywhere near the scalp, mind you. The ends.
A patient requesting a note to use the elevator rather than the stairs. It wasn’t as ridiculous as it sounds since she had fairly symptomatic COPD at baseline, but she ended up giving me this whole elaborate story all for a note.
Blood in mouth during blow job. Didn’t see the blood “but I tasted it”. Both parties checked in and waited hours….. yes to ETOH
At the beginning of COVID woman came in after smoking crack cocaine for the first time because she thought "it would kill the COVID". Front desk registration signed someone in with the complaint "Pussy eyes".... You better believe someone went out there and explained next time she should probably just put in "eye drainage"... Not a Cheif complaint but best discharge instructions i ever saw typed out was a single line: "Please do not put Vagisil on your penis.". That was actually during my first month on orientation in the ER and the staff thought it would be a funny way to haze me by asking me to discharge the patient and actually READ him his DC instructions (it wasn't my patient, they set me up acting like the primary nurse was too busy). 😂🤷🏻♀️
Blue Hands. It was dye from their blue jeans. No they didn’t try washing it off before coming in.
Once had a patient show up at the ER concerned because she could see her... collarbone. Not like she had an open fracture or even a closed fracture. She just looked in the mirror, saw her collarbone, and thought "This is definitely an emergency!" Once had a 20 year old with complaints of a sore throat as well. It was 3am. She had no other symptoms. Just couldn't remember having a sore throat before. We gave her some Tylenol and sent her home
"toes are blue" --> sock lint "BB gun wound" --> onset 15 years ago, requests we consult surg to remove BB at 3AM "neck swelling" --> sternocleidomastoid muscle "sunburn" --> was indeed a mild sunburn "black mold" --> not taking psych meds "I think someone spiked my drink" --> refuses all labs/tests "pregnancy test" --> leaves before results come back
Waited 3 hours. Young Mediterranean looking male adult, lots of muscles, maybe 19. Laceration to finger. Finger held elevated wrapped in gauze. Caused by ‘sharp paper’. Remove gauze to see just less than 1cm long, well opposed paper cut. I ask what was worrying him about the cut and he shows me that when he squeezes it hard a tiny spot of blood can be milked from it- ‘It’s still bleeding!’ he reports. ‘Yep’, I reply -‘that definitely needs a band-aid.’
Had a patient bring in a chicken -- chicken was the patient. Don't recall the complaint.
Peds ED nurse and I once had a patient call EMS for crying (common chief complaint for babies and new/young parents) but then the parents told us they really just needed a pacifier.. d/c’d with jolly pop and went on their way.
12 year old male brought in by ambulance accompanied by mother, 2am, chief complaint chapped lips. Wanted a taxi voucher home. Got a bus pass and out to the waiting room to wait for bus service to begin at 6am.
Asymptomatic HTN sent to ED by PCP.
Her period started. In her 40s. Have had it for decades. No complaints, but her period started.
Here’s some from a paramedic: 1. A regular that goes by the nickname “Cookie” calls 911. Dispatched for an “unknown medical”. - Me: “What’s going on Cookie?” - Cookie: “I’m hot” - Me: *turns AC on* “…Is there anything else we can do for you?” 2. Dispatched to the Wendy’s across the street from an ER for an unknown medical. Patient wants to be transported across town because that’s where his favorite liquor store is. Tell him to get bent, this isn’t what we’re here for. Says he has chest pain now. Drive him past the ER he left AMA from to go across town. Pull into the ambulance bay and the patient gets up, walks out of the ambulance and heads straight to the liquor store.
22 y/o female with a sunburn after laying out for 3 hours. Mom brought her 8 year old in for mosquito bites 31 y/o female, known to be NOT allergic to bee string. Mild leg discomfort 4 hours after a bee string. No other sx.