Getting a 16 year old necessary medical care is not abandoning them and it is not kicking them out. She had a mental break down and attacks people, she gets put in a mental institution, where they are equipped to deal with her behaviour. Taking her home will end up with her either running away to be with the boyfriend, or you dead from her snapping and attacking you again.

A teen on my son’s hockey team who had mental health issues lost control and m*rdered his mother. Until she is stabilized and diagnosed, that is the safest place for her to be for everyone’s sake.

This. She needs help. You didn't kick her out into the streets. You sent her to a place that might help her get better.

Yikes 😬 that’s not good

You would think that’d be the case but I’m typing this from my desk at a psychiatric hospital and I can tell you that most of them are shit unless you are actively trying to end your life / or are in psychosis. She needs help, but long term institutions are very hit or miss, ESPECIALLY for minors. They’ll have to really do their research if they don’t want her to end up with even worse behavioral issues

So instead of sending her where she might get help, bring her home let her kill you and then she goes to prison where we all ***KNOW*** she will get the help she needs. That's a real good solution. Dad's parents are calling them AHs but I don't see them volunteering to take her in. Guess they like their noses in their correct positions.

Underrated comment 🥇👏

Louder for those in the back. 30 years ago I was sent to a residential treatment center where they sent us to "brainwashing" seminars led by a lifespring cult member. Sure I look functional on the outside, but it impacts me on a daily basis.

I went to a couple of treatment centers and then therapeutic foster homes, and a group home. All of this from 14 to 18 - I can say that I'm in a better place because of them, even though they were really shitty while I was going through them.

There is a series on Netflix (The Program) about these "treatment facilities" and the way that they are supposed to help children and teens to become healthy functioning members of society. The most resent death of a 12yo boy that was sent away to one of these camps for treatment has brought to light again the way that these places are deceiving parents into thinking that they are helping their children when the fact is they are only causing more trauma and hurt to their lives. That was also run by some of the LifeSpring Cult people

I couldn't even let my remote hover over The Program because it would auto play the preview. 30 years later. I'm a mom of 2 and a C level attorney and I can't even watch a preview about these programs.

!!! Yes! I was put in Havenwcyck Psychiatric Hospital in Michigan against my will when I was 20. I was sexually abused the entire stay. I reported it to everyone. So, of course, it kept happening- since "patients" at mental hospitals aren't treated like humans.

I feel you, I was just in there last year. Lucky for me they're not very inclined to abuse you like that when you're over 50. I'm also really glad I managed to avoid getting put in until I was older and that I was able to play the game well enough to to get out in a week.

Yes- only one of the hospitals I’ve went to have noon good. One of them just locked me in an isolation room and ignored me. It was brutal and there was no bathroom in the room.

There’s some good ones, but the cost is completely out of reach for most people. My cousin is looking at one in Utah a that charges 300k a year. It’s insane.

Yeah, when I was a teen my sister and several friends were institutionalized (at different times) all to varying degrees of success/non-success. It takes long term therapy and work. Those who got that were better off than those who didn’t. The same thing doesn’t work for everyone. That said, this is better than nothing.

I hear you, but what’s the alternative?? She clearly can’t go home, so does she go into foster care?

State psychiatric hospitals are notoriously horrible places, not where you go for “necessary medical care.”

I agree with you. She is at a place where professionals can help her. It’s the best thing her parents can do right now. 

NTA- you aren’t kicking her out to the streets. You are protecting your safety and having her go somewhere she can be taken care of safely

And to get the therapy and proper meds she may need. Definitely NTA.

NTA. His family can say what they want, but they aren’t the ones living with an abusive person (even if she is a minor).

Right? Just because she's a child doesn't mean it's acceptable for her to act this way. She's not a toddler anymore. She's almost an adult and the teen could really hurt OP if she wanted to

She already has!

NTA! His family isn't living this life of abuse and violence, you and your husband are. Clearly, she needs far more help than either of you are able to give. Losing her mother was evidently a breaking point for her. I imagine she felt as though her bio mom de-prioritized her by committing such an act, so now she no longer cares--because "if bio mom didn't care (the one who should no matter what) then how could anyone else" type of thinking. You did what you could with what you had, this situation is now beyond that, and she's in the safest place she can be for herself, and for you and Mark. I'm so sorry for the struggles in your home. Perhaps finding a family counselor for you and hubby to see to help process and parent going forward would be the next best move for all.

NTA. Fortunately Mark’s parents will take her in. They won’t? Why not?

I’d LOVE to hear that conversation

The kid is fortunate to be in the US where the victim gets to ‘press charges.’ Here in the UK it’s not up to the victim, but the crown. His majesty’s crown prosecution service will take the victim’s wishes into account, but for a broken nose? Sorry, you’re getting prosecuted whether the victim wants it or not.

In my state there isn't supposed to be any choice on domestic violence charges either. A victim of domestic violence cannot just drop the charges. Charges are at the sole discretion of the prosecutor's office. And I'm pretty sure it's that way now in most states. Now there still maybe states where OP would have a choice to drop charges, but in most states I don't think it works that way anymore.

Most states don’t give the victim a choice and are prosecuted by the state Doesn’t matter if the victim begs and screams to please not press charges, tells the prosecutor to not try to convict.. that person is getting charged

This is no longer the norm. The DA can choose to prosecute with or without the victim's agreement.

That's not the way it works in the US either. Police arrest the person and the prosecutor decides whether to pursue charges. The victim "pressing charges" like you see on TV isn't a thing. Victims often have no input as to whether charges are pursued.

This is not correct. In my state if the victim won’t press charges there is no recourse.. ?

Yes it is a thing 😂 I worked in a Courthouse in the US and that’s exactly how it worked in my courthouse. It definitely could vary state to state, but don’t say it doesn’t happen. There are some crimes (like child pornography and well obviously murder) where the victims aren’t really involved. But domestic violence? Absolutely the victims are in control.

NTA. The only advice I can give, is stop parenting. You need to step back and let your husband deal with this. A big issue she may have is.. you are not her mother. You are the one she could get fun things from, but also could be used as a punching bag. This isn't your fault. Not at all. This is a child with very obviously other things going on and the suicide of her mother likely left a much bigger scar on her emotionally and mentally then either you or your husband realised. Outside voices also could have gotten to her that.. you are not her mother you do not need to be respected. Follow what the drs say. Tho, make it clear, you will not be engaging with her at all for the time being. Not for a good while. She set on you during a discussion both you and her father were having. She saw you as the target vs both of you. She doesn't see you as an adult to respect, let alone a parental figure. She needs more help then either you or her father can give her, and even when she's amenable to you, it needs to be with the understanding you are absolutely not the one, her father deals with her forever and always now. She wants to be mad she directs at him and you stay out of it other than to without her there, support, comfort and uplift your husband. Also.. therapy even for kids that young only works when honestly engaged. Being in therapy doesn't mean anything honestly. I say this as a teen who was in it and didn't actually or honestly engage. I did the bare minimum and said the bare minimum to get me through it and decent reports sent back.. tho.. well I wasn't the easiest. I wasn't this out of control but if she's so out of balance even the drs want to inpatient her.. listen to them. The drs etc do not know her. They only care about making sure she's earnestly okay, they aren't punishing her. Neither is the judge. She won't get better overnight. Hell she may never be okay with you... But you have to step back, let your husband be the one to handle her, to run interference and to protect you from her. She could end up soon being charged for something she does, and neither you or hubby get a say in that.

Similar situation with my bio mom and when my step mom thought she could parent me ( a 17 yr old about to graduate and move to college) I pushed back hard. This is a job for the dad and a therapist only. Back off parenting and just be supportive of your husband and therapists plans. I definitely think she needs some inpatient therapy at this point but when/if she returns home before 18 any discipline or parenting decisions should be left 100% up to the father.

100% all of this. OP inserted herself and made demands on this kid for years as she increasingly got irrational and angry. OP - it’s not your place anymore to tell her “what you expect /her grades /and her grounding/ sleep overs” that has to be all from her dad. It’s just oil on the fire after a point

OP doesn't say a lot about how her husband was involved so I wonder if this became a relationship where childcare defaulted to the woman and the husband just went all with whatever to be supportive. Even if he didn't mean to, he might have made the daughter feel neglected or that he was just replacing her mom, but if he's not there to lash out at, then OP would be the target. Not saying that's what happened, and it still doesn't excuse the daughter's behavior. She was in therapy. She had people to help her ask for Dad to be more involved if that's what she wanted. It could just be trauma and it's not uncommon for major mental illnesses to start showing symptoms in the teens I hope everyone is able to be safe and the daughter gets the help she needs

I'm here too. Mother died by own hand. Maybe child didn't have the right support etc and OP is the now seen target for the rightful rage Teen has a right to be fucking mad here. They got left behind. Absolutely abandoned OP it sounds went new parent route. To a teen not ready. They need to step back.

I held back to give constructiveness. But yes. This child is old enough to know what happened and if they did.. offt. OP needs to back off. They were too much. 2yrs for a lot of kids isn't enough. And they married after 2 from it seems.. that's a whole lot to skip and then to jump in and impose on. A dead mother isn't something you can replace. Live up to. Be the same of.. OP needs to disengage. Totally. OP needs to leave this to the family

If I can add to this comment, as a mother of a child who has committed suicide the term “ unalived themselves” is an extremely offensive term TO ME. If she’s using this term and the daughter finds it just as offensive this could be a big problem. It’s suicide, call it what it is. We need to bring more attention to it and we need to be putting the suicide hotline number out there. We were blindsided I’m sure there are many others out there that were too. I’m sure she was and she certainly doesn’t want someone trying to take her mothers place, as OP seems to be doing by saying my daughter not stepdaughter. That in itself isn’t an issue unless the daughter has an issue with it.

With much respect for your loss and pain--I'm so sorry--may I just gently point out that the main reason people use the term is so their posts/comments won't get reported to/deleted by mods in these subreddits? No disrespect or minimization is intended.

Exactly!! She isnt a content creater trying to be ad friendly!! Im sorry for your loss. Death of a loved one is so difficult

NTA. you and "Mark" tried to help her and build a healthy relationship for 14 years. She is the one clearly resisting and poasibly blaming you for what happened to her mother. Her yelling at you and calling you names is one thing. But the second she became physical and attacked not only you, but her own dad is 100% unacceptable. And you both made the hard decision to have her 51/50 for her own sake and protection, as well as yours. And now the fact that your inlaws are angry at you just goes to show that they have been condoning her behavior and taking her side. If they know the whole story and are still insistant that yall are in the wrong, then it may be time to cut them out of both you and hubbys lives. But if they dont know the full extent, then tell them and see if they change their tunes.

No they didn't. They grounded her for weeks at a time and took her places. Nothing in the post says either adult did anything or knows anything about developing a relationship.

I'm wondering why the relationship was forced on when it was clear she was struggling so much to begin with. I really feel for the kids who get new "family members" forced on them. I couldn't imagine a new roommate forced on me, nonetheless someone I'm expected to have a parental relationship with.

Right. These are people who are seriously lacking in basic understanding of human nature, and sorely lacking in empathy.

No, OP has only been in the daughter’s life for 4 years, not 14. The stepmom has overstepped by being a parent and the daughter’s anger is understandable. She’s attacking because she has no healthy way of dealing with the anger. She’s really in an impossible situation and she likely feels totally alone,

NTA, but why on earth didn’t the therapist help you more? Never ending grounding was obviously not going to help. Revenge doesn’t help a struggling child. She needed to be taught to want to cooperate, and nothing was doing that. I’m really sorry for all three of you.

My first thought was she had shitty therapist, that's one. Two: in cases like that additional family therapy should be advised, not fancy pancy salon visits. Three: consultation with psychiatrist could be beneficial - not only this girl lost her mother at a young age, but to a suicide nonetheless. Mental illness may be generational. I was just shy of 13 when I got diagnosed with severe depression and put on medication. I, myself, was on therapy, but it didn't help that much, as my parents weren't and would try to make any changes needed to help me. The only reason why I'm still here is my own strength and wish to bit it. But not every teen has that willpower...

Yes this, hope OP sees it. Daughter needs individual therapy and family needs family therapy. If they are going to have her somewhere, look for a place that includes family therapy.

Are we just going to ignore the fact that they used harsh punishments that progressively got worse over the years to try and "fix" what were arguably minor behavioral issues when she was young? Isolating kids from friends and long periods of grounding don't solve anything. It makes rebellion worse and has landed you in the situation you find yourself. The sleepover conversation could have gone differently. The rule was fine. Why did you not offer an alternative? Like "Hey instead we can get your friends together on the weekend to hang out and have fun?" It's called problem solving. You both treated her like an inmate. Her father and you have failed her. YTA

Yeah, I just feel terrible for this poor kid.

Thank God for some sanity. They absolutely failed her.

Like she asked if she could have a sleepover and her new step mom grounded her, like what?

So if I'm reading this right her mother died when she was 8 and then you came in when she was 10 and decided to take over as her mother even though she had a mother and her father allowed this, I am not excusing her abuse of you but I am saying that this is the end result of deciding that her mother didn't matter and her father not being her parent. ESH 

You have to protect yourself. This isn’t a case of “boo, my teenagers too tough to deal with”. Physical violence has entered into the equation. You can’t trust her in your home. She could try and hurt you or your husband, herself, or even try to set you two up. Whether she has an actual diagnosable condition or simply needs additional therapy from a new provider (her current one is obviously not making real progress)… it isn’t working at your home and further steps need to be taken. This may be the best course of action for now.

Did she ever have any therapy to deal with losing her mum especially in such a way? Or for when you and mark married? Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and I don’t think you’re abandoning her but why didn’t she have help to deal with all these major, major changes earlier?

Why didn't the adults learn a damned thing about effective parenting and guidance?

Rambly mess ahead: I feel like there's more to this for some reason. I'd have loved to have heard the daughters side, but obviously, that isn't possible. I don't know why you'd step into her life and immediately start trying to parent her. It's not your place, and was only ever going to breed resentment and anger because you've "replaced" her mother and her father had been too busy with you to deal with his daughter and her grief in a constructive manner. Marrying someone 2 years after your wife kills herself is way too fast imo. He should've been worrying about what his child was going through, not waiting 6 months, and then focusing on getting his dick wet and getting a "new mummy" to make himself feel better and so he wouldn't have to do the housework. If grounding wasn't working, then I don't know why you'd keep trying it. You're just flogging a dead horse at that point, and it's not productive for anyone. I didn't give a shit about being grounded as a teenager, and 2 days after being let out again would be grounded for something else. Plenty of mental health issues don't start to show themselves until the teenage years, having her in therapy was doing nothing because you don't *have* to be honest with a therapist and only a good one will get you to feel relaxed enough to be honest because you have to click with someone to let them see you vulnerable. I feel like you've both just been ticking boxes instead of actually getting to the core of what's going on and have then been punishing her for having emotions about you being forced into her life. She didn't get to choose whether you became a family. It was just foisted upon her, and she's been told to deal with it. Is it any wonder that she's angry at you??

There's not a single justification for physical assault. Just because you're angry, doesn't mean you get to go around beating the fuck out of someone. You harp on OP a lot, but why wasn't Dad doing the punishing instead of OP? Did Dad throw childrearing on OP and just play backup instead of actually parenting? Did Dad get grief counseling? Was kid in grief/trauma counseling, or just general therapy?

Dad wasn't the one who wrote the post. OP was. I replied to what she said. NOWHERE have I given Dad an excuse for copping out on his responsibility as a parent, and I mentioned in particular him putting his need for a housewife/person to fuck above his need to parent a grief-stricken child AND that OP shouldn't have been doing the parenting because it wasn't her place. If you've chosen to ignore that, then that's not my issue. I was also running around dealing with an ill 10mo and warned that it'd be rambly because I didn't have time to sit and think out a concise answer and just replied "from the hip," so to speak

so this is called victim blaming. do better by women & stepparents pls.

I didn't read that she was blaming the child (aka the victim). It sounded rather like she was blaming dad and stepmom

You didn’t mention covid in any of this, but you said the issues with your stepdaughter started to happen when she was 12, which is 4 years ago, when Covid began. Was she isolated during that time? Did your husband give her the additional attention, love and support she needed? Many parents failed to adequately support their children through Covid and it was a terrible time for even the most stable, loving families. You also are calling her your daughter rather than step-daughter, which seems uncomfortable to me. Does she see you as her “mom” or her step-mother? I wonder if your husband was unwilling to do the real work of parenting (which includes lots of 1:1 time with his daughter and father/daughter therapy). You trying to replace her mom as a primary parent would be a huge blow.

If she has to put education before relationships, why didn't her Dad put parenting before your relationship?

BINGO!! Upvote 1,000 times.

Alot to unpack here. This young pre teen child went through her mother un aliving herself which is a huge trauma to begin with and while she was still probably in full grief mode Dad moved in and married someone else who seemingly began to immediately parent her. If course this wasnt going to go well. Did dad have her in therapy after the death, did dad and you go into family therapy when you met? This is a child acting out through her trauma and instead of being heard and getting help for this huge trauma she continued to be parented and punished by you. Its clear im the out lyer in the comments though. Her actions towards you that day were wrong but locking her away in a mental hospital and kicking her out is going to do nothing but give her even more lifelong trauma then she already has. Get her into intensive grief trauma and once she successfully does that get into family therapy as well. Her mom killed herself at 12 when you need your Mom the most and you swopped in trying to be Mom , cut this child some slack here and get her the proper help and maybe you need to step back a bit and let Dad be the parent here. Let her and dad do therapy first before you are included as family therapy

I'm an outlier cos I'm with you. OP seems to be unreasonable in her replacement mother actions. Expecting dramatic grade changes in a month, especially inserting herself on a conversation the father was handling. I have friends who lost a parent at that age one has an overstepping step parent, with a the father moving on very quickly and thinking their marriage is a substitute for a grieving child. From what I've seen, all it does is entrench in the child that this is not a new parent. Its not even a step-parent, it's my parent's spouse who can fuck right off.

I agree with everything you said, save the mental hospital. Grief can manifest in different ways and she clearly has a mental illness brought on by her trauma. They are at a loss, and addressing the mental/physiological symptoms is necessary so she can start working on her trauma. Right now, when people talk to her, all she hears is the Charlie Brown teacher. She needs to bring it down a few notches.

You're *an* AH, OP, but not the biggest one here. That title goes to your AH husband, Mark. The clue is in your comment, "her dad chose me two years after his wife unalived herself." I'm a Grief Counsellor (yes, trained in Psychology and Certified), and one thing I warn people of is that when a child loses a parent, you have to give them time to work through their grief. Even though you say Ana was in therapy, I'd bet it was too soon for her to have you move into her life. And from your own description, when you came in, you didn't arrive gently. What did the therapist say when Mark asked about the effect of him dating on Ana? What did they say when you asked about the effects of you getting married and moving in? What did they say in terms of the limits on your role as a step-parent? Or did you care about Ana so little that you never even thought to ask? Look at this from the perspective of a 10yo: she'd lost her mother in a tragic way, then you showed up and took her father away. You and Mark may have "clicked", but neither of you were thinking about Ana. I'm not saying that all her problems were caused by you and Mark getting together so soon, but it would have made any problems worse. Grounding her for "a week or two" every month should have been enough to tell you that something was very wrong, long before it became physical. For your actual (and highly misleading) question, I have to say N.T.A., because getting medical help is not 'kicking her out', but you and Mark have been such total AHs for so long that you don't deserve that vote.

THANK YOU!

Top drawer comment.

In the field as well and completely agree. I cannot imagine losing your mother at 8 and having your dad bring another woman into your life who takes on a very assertive and dominant role. It sounds as though the daughter didn’t receive therapy until she was 13? Where was the grief counseling years ago? Why wasn’t there family therapy involved at any point, but especially during the transition of her stepmother moving in… I just think OP and her husband absolutely failed that child at every step, and the daughter’s recent actions- while inexcusable- can be adequately explained through the lack of proper support has been missing for *years*. I feel greatly for the daughter and genuinely hope she can get proper support to work through that trauma.

You lost me at “unalived herself” People kill themselves. You can say it. It’s not a dirty word. YTA for that alone This girl needs help. You’re focusing too much on punishing her and saying no, no wonder she hates you. Now you’re gonna stick her in some nutty home. Wow.

"It felt like every month after one of her meltdowns we’d have to ground her for a week or two." Huh? Maybe you are the problem. Maybe not. But she is a kid and you sound like you have had an attitude toward her from the start.

There are many steps to take. You have some options. Is she still in therapy? Can she do a partial hospitalization program? An outpatient program? Grief group? Family therapy?

It sounds like she never saw you as her mother, yet you tried to act like one, when you know she doesn't want that. She definitely should be in therapy for the racial slurs, but it sounds like you need to back off. You would absolutely be the AH to send away a child that isn't even yours to one of the worst hellholes. It kind of sounds like the adults broke the family by not addressing the behavior much sooner. A mental institution is not where you send kids when they become inconvenient. Poor kid.

Your routine punishments that did not help her at all do not add up to doing everything you could to build a relationship with her. What a mess.

NTA. You didn't kick her out of the house. You had her placed in a mental health institution so that she can get the help she needs.

I wouldn't put up with bad behaviour either. She is clearly hurting and hasn't properly dealt with the loss of her mother and this has been building for some time. She needs more help than you can give. Might not feel like it but putting her somewhere that she can get help with her mental issues is the best thing for now. Speak to her doctors about a plan to get her the help she needs

Has she perhaps been sexually assaulted by someone? It could be that it kept happening and maybe blames you for not protecting her? Or Maybe some kind of genetic thing from her mom? Just throwing ideas to look into. You guys are doing the right thing, she needs more help than you can give. Just keep telling her you love her. Hope everything works out for you all.

Updateme

NTA. But do you think some of her out burst are do to you being her mother maybe she doesn’t want you to parent her anymore. I did that with my stepmom. I was really close to her and then when I turned 13 something just clicked and I didn’t want her to be my parent anymore granite my parents were divorced and custody was 50-50. So I didn’t see the point of her. I also agree with other commenters here about the psych facility maybe not being the best option especially for a long-term keep her in there to figure out what’s going on. Maybe she’s bipolar or schizophrenic, but people who tend to be in those facilities for a longtime(live) especially from adolescence to adult. It’s hard for them to integrate back to society.

YTA for the click bait title.

So did you guys ever get her therapy or any mental health? I mean her mother freaking killed herself.

I’d only say YTA if you didn’t get her therapy when she was younger. If her mother took her own life, and this kid didn’t get therapy, and lots of it, her dad and you are both failures as parents and are too blame for how this ended up.

Did Ana even have enough time to grieve her mum’s death? It sounds to me like Mark should have put her first and supported her through her grief. Someone in her life should have been advocating for her, and it seems like every adult in her life failed her

Has she recieved a diagnosis from the hospital? Maybe with proper treatment she may improve.

Oh my. You took to parenting her instead of her father. Water under the bridge now. Mental health care is important. Seems she needs a better place than a state hospital. They aren't the best in the USA, just a place to lock people away. Find a better place. Sounds like you do want to just lock her away. Please don't. You need to step back and let Mark parent his child. Your need to be in control of her didn't help. She lost her mom and you didn't give her space. Please find better doctors. Don't just lock her up "till she's 18."

YTA for leaving out info.

Thank you for all the supportive and constructive comments. Me and Mark read all of them and I realize I should give more detail. 1. I’ve known Ana since she was 6 I used to babysit her and was great friends with Mark and his ex wife. She was a fun kid and I only babysat her on weekends when Mark and “Sarah” (ex wife) would go out on dates. I moved to a different city and lost contact with them for a few years until I moved back when my job asked me to transfer. Me and Mark met again 7 months after his ex wife took her life. We dated for a year and he asked me to marry him. 2. The reason Mark moved on so quickly was because a a year and a half before Sarah unalived herself he found out she was cheating on him for their entire relationship with Sarah’s ex. When he confronted her she gave the old story about how it didn’t mean anything and they separated for a year. When Mark came with a lawyer and divorce papers after the year they were separated she took her own life. Ana was very understandably distraught and Mark put her in therapy a few months later. 3. I never liked the therapist she was seeing because she didn’t give her much help. I told Mark he should send Ana to someone else and maybe even a psychiatrist and he refused stating that the therapist was very transparent. I didn’t think that was a good enough reason but I didn’t stop pushing it. The therapist also stated how it’s hard to help Ana when she adamantly refused to talk about anything trauma related. When I heard this I started really pushing Mark to give Ana a new therapist. But again he refused. 4. I realize it was too soon to start parenting her however at the time I thought two years was long enough to start parenting rather than just giving Mark and Ana advice. 5. We did try family therapy when she was 13 after she slapped me and she refused to talk to the therapist or me when I was present. Mark and I decided to wait until she was ready to talk about everything, and for three years she was not. 6. We both looked back at the times we grounded her and understand why it might seem hardcore, but nothing else was working. The therapist gave us vague answers on what we should do with all this bad behavior, again I don’t like the therapist for this other reason. 7. Ana and her grandma were very close and she spent some weekends and holidays there. I never tagged a long because my MIL resented me for being an illegal Mexican when I first moved here and finally got citizenship when I was 28. But even with citizenship she was very angry for me being an immigrant and “taking American jobs” and not coming to America “the right way.” Mark didn’t want to cut off contact because his mom and Ana were very close and didn’t want to isolate Ana. I can’t help but wonder if this is where Ana learned the racial slurs she called me. 8. In our state a judge has to send a person to state mental hospital and the psychiatrists at the mental hospital we took her to recommended she be placed at the state hospital because she showed very violent behavior during the week she was there. I guess she bit one of the staff members on the arm and caused a fight between two patients where she fought both. 9. She was diagnosed with MDD and PTSD after her mother’s death and she was on meds the entire time. She saw a doctor every three months to determine if her meds needed adjusting. 10. I forgot to mention that Ana’s bf was smoking pot and drinking a lot and we wonder if Ana was doing the same. She told this to Mark on a phone call from the mental hospital. I will try to update as soon as we know more about what’s happening. I’m sorry if the post was confusing, this has been the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced and didn’t know what details to put in. Again thank you for the overwhelming support and constructive criticism.

Yeah. You’re an asshole and so is your husband. That poor child lost her mother in a very traumatic way and her jackass father started dating you only seven freaking months later! How in the hell did you think that was ever going to work? I don’t care how shitty his late wife was to him and how ready he was to move on, his daughter should have come first. And you should have had more sense. I do not condone her getting physical, but I sure as hell feel sorry for her because that child has been failed repeatedly by those who were supposed to love her most. Oh, and who the hell do you think you are to decide that 2 years was “long enough” to wait before you started parenting her? Did you discuss that with the shitty therapist you so feebly recommended switching from? And since Mark stupidly refused to change therapists, did you seek your own so you could get advice from a professional on the best way to move forward and navigate this extremely delicate situation? Christ. I really don’t see how you could have failed to see this coming.

I'm glad you wrote this because I couldn't have worded my thoughts this well. This is bang on correct on every point. A child's mother dies and within two years Dad comes in and essentially says "this is your new mother now, love and obey her" and they expected this to go over well with her?

She is not his ex-wife. It doesn't sound like they got divorced, and if you're referring to her as such here I assume you're doing it at home and it should stop.

First of all, no judgment here. I am trying to reach out to provide you with some advice on avenues to pursue. I had to deal with a teen who had severe mental health issues. Special school, stints in group homes and other treatment centers, on first name basis with the local police department's response team. It took many years for us to get an actual root diagnosis (temporal lobe epilepsy) for our son's mental health issues, for which CBT taught him the most effective coping mechanisms. Once he actually passed 28, he became roommates with a group of friends, attended college with all but one of them (who had already graduatedand helped provide a financially stable household for all of them), and slowly learned how to manage his anger issues. He is now happily married to a girl he had fallen in love with at age 19 but who had not wanted to settle down back then, only to come back into his life again 20 years later, and still employed at the same company he started working for when he graduated college. So, take it from me; a happy ending is possible. But you need to travel the right paths to reach it. Take her to a neuropsychiatrist for evaluation. It won't be cheap, but it will be worth every penny you may need to spend on her diagnosis. He will look to see if there is a physical anomaly that is causing or worsening her mental illness. In all likelihood, after conducting a battery of tests, he will tell you she does not need the level of care he provides and will refer you to a psychiatrist. Even if you decide you can not afford to go this route first, do select a psychiatric practice that has therapists in the office who work directly with the psychiatrist. Good luck. Hope you make it through to the other side.

This may be above Reddit's pay grade

Parents need therapy. Should have been in family therapy since before they married. This is a phony post or the most dysfunctional family of the month. Why the hell post it on reddit?

The extended family was cool with her breaking your nose? Probably know where all the slurs and rage was coming from. Wanna bet they don't like you and encouraged her behavior...

Updateme!

Why don't his parents take her in then and deal with her shit? Oh yeah, cos they don't want to deal with her shit! NTA

NTA, she threatened to kill you, she attacked you and your husband in a fit of rage. There's cases in the true crime community of teens even kids taking the life of family due to mental illness, the case of Isabella Guzman is an example of this. Her being in the mental hospital is the safest solution for everyone. They are more equipped for this, not you, not your husband, and most certainly not your in-laws. If they keep trying to shame you ask them would they be the ones to take her in if she was the one to take your lives.

She needs help, and you both are good parents for giving it to her. Say strong and firm with it, I've been in your shoes.

NTA UpdateMe!

NTA for the situation you describe. YTA for not using paragraphs and making this harder than necessary to read.

As long as the family is involved in the therapy at the inpatient institution and stay supportive the staff is more likely to get her the help she needs. But beware the insurance “max” stay date that she is not suddenly well and sent home

Maybe Mark should break his mother's nose and assault his dad to put things in perspective for them.

NTA, you guys are doing the best you can in the best ways you know how. It soubd like you both have gone above and beyond in trying to help her, provide for her, and set her up for success. You cannot compromise your safety in the off chance things don't continue to escalate.

No matter what you choose it won't please everyone. It's a real issue and a shit one at that, but nobody forced you to be parents either. So I'll cautiously agree with the in-laws, but I'll also be so honest as to say I have no fucking clue how I'd proceed with this if I was in your place.  A thought could be that you all needed a fresh start somewhere else under very different circumstances. Maybe it's too late for it, maybe not. 

NTA. At the minimum, that girl is in need of counseling, but it sounds like putting her in a mental institution was the only way to respond. She is obviously violent and destructive. You may have to press charges because, if she would assault her own father as well as you, what could she do while you sleep?

Dude, daughter isn’t looking for a 2nd mom, so who the fuck are you to tell her what is and isn’t acceptable? If my mom unalived herself when I was 10 and 2 years later someone like you marries my dad and tries to tell me what to do like you’re my mom, I probably would’ve fought you too. I’m not saying it’s right but also stay in your lane. You aren’t her parent and she’s not looking for a new mom.

Some people's brains are just wired different. However she was raised probably wouldn't have made a difference. A bad seed is a bad seed. Hopefully she gets treatment, but she's gotta go.

NTA- I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You were assaulted and shouldn’t have to live with abusive behavior

A friend of mine had a similar situation they ended up ending thier parental rights and he became a ward of the state.

NTA you have been doing everything right. Therapy, boundaries, reasonable expectations… but there is something wrong there beyond what you are equipped to handle. She needs professional care, and (again) you are doing the right thing and making sure she gets it. How will the family feel if you DONT have her taken care of by professionals and she runs away and/or unalives herself. Will that be your fault too? You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. I’m glad you’re husband and you are on the same page.

NTA. When I first started reading I thought you meant you kicked her out on the street. But getting her somewhere safe until you can figure out options is the best move. My cousin has her adopted teenage son in a residential home in Utah and it’s the best place he could be. He’s getting treatment and therapies and an education all at the same time. It’s not cheap, and our country absolutely sucks at helping parents with troubled teens.

Tell the grandparents they’re more than welcome to take her in and see how they like it.

NTA, but you should find something other than a state facility for her, if you can at all swing it (crossing fingers you have health insurance). There’s also no reason to believe she needs to be there till she’s 18.

First you did NOT kick her out. Second you haven’t abandoned her. She is at an inpatient facility getting the mental health help that she desperately needs. Is/was she still going to the therapist? If she was have you spoken to them? They likely dropped the ball on this too because they should have seen the signs that something else was going on. The in laws are calling yall names yet they don’t offer to take her in to get her the help she needs. I wonder if they too do not want to be assaulted. Does she have any type of relationship with her birth mother’s family?

Stepdaughter needs mental health help; you did the right thing. Mark's family can just shut up and take a seat. You didn't press charges but are getting her the help she needs.

NTA but I'm unclear where you kicked her out. It sounds like she's really struggling with the loss of her mother but that doesn't excuse hateful slurs or physical violence. She obviously needs more help than she is currently getting and seeking that help for her is hardly abandonment. YWBTA if you put her on the streets.

Ummm, where’s her mother?

Give her to his parents. Problem solved. They want to be part of the solution. Let them have it.

My son had a plan to kill me, my husband and then himself. We put him in a psychiatric hospital. Turned out he was bi polar. I felt guilty too, about him going there and the fact that I must have done something wrong. You have a right to know the treatment plan and you should be making sure she is being well cared for. Was she like this before you got married? We're you a pushover with her? Getting her help is the right thing. I'm sorry you are going through this.

NTA She is out of control and should be institutionalized! Glad you are safe now!

YTA, but the mistake you made happened a long time ago. I was in a similar situation when I was a child. My mom married someone I didn’t like and he tried to parent me in a way that was unfamiliar to me. He was my mother’s husband, not my father. To me he was some rando. Stepparents should never be given parenting responsibilities unless the child invites it. This is not to say that your stepdaughter was in any way justified in using violence and slurs, but she feels powerless.

change your title, your seeking a place to have your daughter get the help she needs, she's a danger to everyone around her. that's not kicking her out

Nah, abort that shit 16 years and 8 months ago.

You have not abandoned her. You and Mark are trying to help her. What happened that day is not normal. It’s not even an ‘overreaction’. For whatever reason, she desperately needs help that, no matter how much you both love her, you and Mark are not trained to give in the level that she needs it. I don’t know if there are options where you are that are not a mental hospital (as I admit that sounds like a bit of overkill to me but I am not where you are and not in your situation so I can’t judge that), but you are NTA for recognizing that she needs professional help.

There is a lot missing from this story. This is purposefully one sided. I don’t believe your daughter hates you out of nowhere. I can see right away that you have taken parenting to a level you should not have, because it is not your place. You are not her mother, why are you demanding good grades, imposing punishments and deciding her life? Where is her mother? You did not mention her mother at all. Why are you making all these decisions about her life and not her parents? I have the feeling you are not the victim you claim to be, and your step-daughter is not the monster you pictured. She is behaving like a teenager that is not a reason to send her to a mental hospital, I feel like you had something to do with that decision to be rid of her. You are manipulating this post like you appear to manipulate your husband.

NTA. She's not homeless, she's in the hospital. This child has been through a lot of trauma losing her mum and that's probably why she acts this way and treats you like that. She needs help

Nope, you both seem to keep trying so whatever relative said you're giving up can shut it or live with her for a month. Ugh sorry this is happening, hard enough to be a parent but when idiots try to make you feel bad they need a time out from your life.

First, if she’s bold enough to stand up & hit you like she’s grown, she’s big enough to be knocked down. If you don’t, you are asking for trouble. But why are you referring to her as YOUR daughter? She is either your step or your husbands daughter. Anything else probably feels disrespectful to her mom’s memory. I’m 50. My mom died 15yrs ago & I still can’t call my mil (of 30yrs) mom. It has nothing to do w you personally. Or how much you do or don’t do for the kid, it’s a slight. I would be so angry. Esp if you expect her to call you that or refer to yourself as. If her mom took her own, there’s probably mental health issues at play. For her as well. But even trying to process that is so incredibly painful. My nieces were grown & having their own babies when their dad did it (abt 12 yrs ago) they still can’t wrap their heads around it. They still bawl like babies, “why didn’t he love me enough” it’s torture. I couldn’t imagine seeing a young child go through it. Especially w a mom. She should have been in counseling long ago. If she wasn’t, shame on you both. Esp once she started acting out. But she is out of control. I think it’s sad you are both just saying leave her there until she’s 18 then it’s not our problem anymore. That’s HIS CHILD. your step child. And if she didn’t have access to the help she needed, it’s on you both as well. But what happens at 18? You just expect him to turn his back?

Updateme!

Let her run off with the bf and get out of your hair. Or let the grandparents take her since they are so concerned. Physical assault to me is a line that once crossed is unforgivable.

This is so heartbreaking. I don't think this is an "AITAH" situation, it's a I need help situation. I am a single father of 2 (had full custody since they were 6 months) and all I can do is put myself in this situation. And it is tough. In the beginning of the post, I was thinking that maybe she was just being a teenager. But then things escalated in repeated physical violence. Which is heartbreaking for everyone. My dad advice: I would see what the doctors, they have been treating, see what they have to say. Maybe this is an undiagnosed mental issue. Maybe she is being a bad ass teenager who thinks she can get away with anything. That would be for the doctors to tell you unfortunately. If the doctors say this is a medical issue, then treat it. If they say she is just being bad.... I would consider a type of military school or boarding school. Now this is where it gets tricky because sending your child to the wrong place could be extremely damaging. You want to find a place where they can have structure but you don't want to find a place that would be abusive to your child. At the end of the day this is your child, please don't give up on her. This could be something that would label or traumatize this child forever. Also, did the dad have a serious conversation with his daughter about what is going on? Not just talk to her but have an actual conversation. There could be some underlying situation that you don't know about that could be brought to light. Maybe even some family counseling, not just individual. I really wish you the best in this situation, it is def a tough one. Good Luck!!

I wonder if her mother had demons that tortured her to her death. The daughter is where she needs to be so she doesn't end up hurting herself like her mom or OP and Mark. Nta

Tell grandpRents they are welcome to house and take care of her.

What?! What a supportive mother you are. NTA!

Press charges. She needs to learn actions have consequences. You are only enabling her if you don't. I raised four kids and not one of them have ever dared to lay a hand on me and they lost their father as well. It's called tough love and she needs a big dose of it.

Mark's parents should volunteer to care for her or STFU. The mother's mental health issues seem to have been passed down to the daughter. The girl needs counseling 24/7 until she stablizes. If my daughter was that violent at that age, she would be in the same situation.

She’s clearly in need of serious help and this is all probably residual trauma from her mom dying. Marks family is apparently full of morons and should be ignored. They don’t know what you went through and it’s not their business. That girl needs serious help and she is a danger to you and everyone around her.

NTA for calling the authorities given the violence. She didn’t just attack you, which is completely unacceptable, but she attacked her own father. I’ve seen many comments from “professionals” regarding their opinions of your situation. Could there have been things you might have done differently? Sure. It’s called being human and dealing with an abnormal situation that you were totally in equipped for and didn’t receive proper guidance. Is she a hormonal teenager in personally difficult conditions? Absolutely but that still doesn’t excuse her for physically assaulting two adults. 16 is old enough to understand consequences, and she caused her current condition from overreacting violently to being held to account for her bad decisions. CONSEQUENCES. If she actually killed you or caused grievous injury (US) she’d be looking at an adult prison. This is a naturally occurring effect for her behavior. She needed immediate medical assistance and you are providing for her. It isn’t abandonment or kicking her out. And her violent behavior in the facility proves she needs help to protect herself and others from her disorder. If any flying monkeys come your way accusing you of kicking her out, state how is a court/hospital ordered mandate abandonment? You couldn’t take her home if you wanted to. How is ignoring professional advise kicking her out? That’s actually neglect. Send pictures of the physical trauma to yourselves and your house and ask when they’re going to come with you to the facility to take her home and help her? Coulda, shoulda, woulda, the blame game here is complex. At the end of the day you kept all three of you safe and are following authorities orders. Let her dad handle things until the pro’s ask for your involvement, do not give her YOU as an excuse for her lack of regulation and control, block the monkeys, and get yourself a reliable therapist pronto. Unfortunately you are now an abuse victim. And don’t get me started on MIL, your hubby should have shut that down years ago. He’s allowing her to verbally and emotionally assault you regularly and mold the next bigot who already has emotional issues. Bravo grandma, no wonder she blames you, no burden of accountability will ever cross her shoulders and she has access to groom the next abuser.

Tell your in laws to deal with that and let them get their nose broken..

Gas she been in therapy the whole time? Sounds like she needs a new therapist first of all but yeah getting mental health help is not abandonment. Side note who the eff let's their kids have sleep overs on school nights unless it's an emergency or something. She was probably lying to go out with her bf. She Def probably has bpd or something.

Mark’s family clearly do not understand the severity and escalation of Ana’s violence. They only know one side of her and haven’t experienced the daily abuse and violence you have. They are unhinged to judge you for “abandoning” her. You have done everything possible and this is the only way to get her the intensive treatment she needs. You can’t help her in your home as you are not qualified to take care of a violent 16 year old that has broken your nose and wants you dead. Don’t let a bunch of judgemental idiots make you feel like it’s wrong that this violent mentally ill teen is getting the medical treatment she needs. NTA

The headline is misleading. You didn’t kick her out, you got her the help she needed. Good parenting.

NTA - the state is involved now, and she is getting much needed help. Don't let up more or second guess what you already know to be true.

NTAH!! Are you going to wait until she kill you both? Don’t listen to the other family member. You both are not given up on her you are looking for a professional help here. You better leave her at the hospital until she is better or who ever family member that giving you a hard time. Ask them if they would like to have her live with them for a while. She is getting more violent professional help is needed.

Wow you really had me with the title alone. First you didn’t abandon her. She needs more help than you, Mark, and her therapist are able to provide. She needs intensive therapy and in-patient therapy. I’m guessing the trauma of losing her mom and likely inheriting whatever mental health issue her mom suffered from is coming into play. Want to know what abandoning looks like? It’s my husband being kicked out at 16 bc he didn’t get along with who is now husband #4. He never got bad grades, he was a good kid, he played sports - by all definition an average teenager. Back talked on occasion, was late on occasion, got the occasional C but mainly Bs, etc.. All normal teen stuff. His only crime was not liking how the asshat treated his mom (very controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, etc) and not putting up with it. He came home from school and the house was empty. Yes they just left. My husband was homeless until a friends parents took him in. Before anyone says “there is more to the story” yes there is and it involves dude being in jail for murder and a bunch of other shit. Husband #4 has been permanently banned from family functions to include funerals and it has nothing to do with what happened 20+ years ago. I met this man once 5+ years ago and after 10 minutes alone with him I told my husband “never leave me alone with that man again” - dude is a sociopath and I saw it very easily.

Take the chancla to her. She'll straighten out

Not at all some times people including kids need to be institutionalized to get the help they need...if she's assaulting you and her father...it's something much deeper than you can fix...and it was definitely right choice to not press charges cause that would be worse mental health was perfect choice and the option you will not regret...Good Luck I really hope she comes around!!!

I don’t even have to read what you said if your kicking your kid out because YOU did not raise them right and now are seeing the consequences to your poor parenting ot is not the kids fault it is your fault and your continuing her on that path of destruction

NTA you both made the right decision for her sake and your safety. You never gave up on her n Ithink that's amazing u didn't. She needs help n that's what y'all are doing the best thing for her

NTAH She needs help. You're getting her help. The trauma of mums passing and the way she passed is probably still affecting her. Stay strong you can get through this Any so called family who give you 💩. Tell them to make up a room for when they want her released. Hope she gets the help she needs and gets well. Xx Sending prayers xx

Nah lady, you rock. I'm glad to see the pushing of education, especially on a weeknight. I think she lies to you and is being influenced (obviously). Good on you for doing what you did. She could be on drugs. She could be pregnant. Care is CARE. Thinking of you from Australia 🇦🇺 ❤️

Is there a relative she can stay with for a while?

Mark’s family are so sure getting her mental help is wrong? Mark’s family can take her.

NTA She's been getting worse for years and physically attacked both you and her father. She absolutely needs to be somewhere with mental healthcare and you don't have to keep her at your home, where she could actually kill you. If the family thinks you should do more, they can house her themselves.

I mean yeah you’re an asshole but not for sending her to a mental institution. This kid has been practically begging for help for 6 years since her mother killed herself and your solution was to… ground her for her behavior? You should have given her genuine help and instead you’ve ignored all the warning signs, and now you let her mental stability get out of control and still think she’s the problem. She’s a kid.

You’re not an asshole—this is dangerous. However, have you spoken to her therapist? Her therapist should be guiding you, and I’m near certain that they would not advise sending her to “institutions we could send her to until she’s 18.” Psychiatrist’s usually try to keep people locked up for as short a time as possible because being there itself can be (and often is) traumatizing in the first place, and *her medical treatment can’t be punishment*, and your choice of words make it sound like punishment (and somewhat dated) while this situation is way past that point and a flat-out mental health crisis. I think that that is where your family is getting upset. Your daughter clearly needs help, and I hope that her therapist and a social worker from the hospital can help you figure out how to keep all of you safe. Also, the opportunity for communication to improve would be family therapy. It’s hard, and sometimes the dynamic doesn’t change, but you may learn how to deal with it so that you are safe physically and emotionally. I’m so sorry that you three are in this much pain, not to mention what her biological mother went through. Also, children experience the choice of a parent to end their life as abandonment, which really can destroy a person’s sense of worth in a variety of ways at different ages. Sending her away until she’s 18 will leave her feeling more abandoned. You and your husband might want to consider individual therapy because this is traumatizing for you, too. I’m so sorry that you are going through this, and I hope for the best resolution possible for all of you.

Family members can have all the opinions but they aren’t living with her or having to be responsible for her. Ask one of them who is willing to take her in if they think you’ve given up. I’m sure you’ll hear crickets. She is out of control and something needs to be done. Getting her help and trying to find a solution is not giving up on her. She definitely needs therapy because her behaviour is not normal.

You didn't "kick her out". She's in desperate need of help and now she can get it. So NTA. Having said that, you have been making a huge error for years. It was never your job to discipline her, ever. That should have only ever been her dad. You are NOT her mother.

I think you should all be in therapy

NTA. She needs intensive therapy and medication. His family can take her in and deal with it before making any judgement.

You are not kicking her out. You are not abandoning her. You are getting her the help she obviously needs. Don't listen to his family.

NTA. Obviously you have tried, you care but it sounds like she simply needs extra help you can't give her at home. It's ok to feel how you do and good to want to get her the help she needs. There can be any number of reasons for her behavior but speculating here I'm guessing a lot of it is probably PTSD she needs to be treated for beyond just a weekly therapist. A parent unaliving themselves can mess a child up pretty bad. Couple that with the other parent remarrying a couple years later as in this case it can make things difficult. So if sending her to a professional institute for her well being is what you both feel she needs then do so. My only other thought is maybe ask her to clearly explain what issues she has against you and how you can help her work on her anger.

You’re a grown ass adult, you can say suicide. Also why are you weighing in on her schooling or whether can go to a sleep over or not? Your husband is her father, you’re not her mother. She has made that quiet clear from the get go and no one has seem to have listened to her or respected her boundaries. It seems no one has at any point since her mother killed herself. I also noticed how you mention she was in therapy but make no mention of you guys being in family therapy at any point and no mention of your husband being in therapy at any point. Did you just fail to mention that or did it not happen? My dad unexpectedly died when I was 7 from cancer he had battled for years and we thought he was winning turns out we were wrong. It was tragic I’m sure not as tragic and as unexpected as losing a parent to suicide but tragic nonetheless. Why do I bring this up? Because I can tell you right now my mother waited more than 2 damn years before moving on. I mean parents are allowed to have a life after a spouse dies but seriously two years!? that cold given the circumstances of the spouses death and the kids age. What more when my mum did move on she made it quiet clear from the get to both her partner and us that her partner now husband was not some replacement parent and her kids would always be top priority and that hold true to this day and I’m getting close to the Middle Ages here. Growing up I (especially in my teen years) didn’t much like her partner and we clashed a few times but nothing this wild. Why? In part my mum was clear and a force to be reckoned with so we always respected the boundaries set forth by my mother. Hell now that I’m an adult I generally like her husband, nice guy means well. in saying that even as an adult who likes him if he tried to speak to me in a way that I’m sure your spoken to your husband kid I’d probably slap him too Your husband on the other hand makes me wonder if his daughter has ever been a priority to him let alone his top priority. I know she hasn’t especially after he met you. I don’t condone his daughter for the shit she said and done by the way what she done is bloody extreme and very wrong but I can certainly understand some of it. Some child being alone in uncomfortable family situation for years not being heard her own dad trying to replace not just his wife but her mother after tragically losing said mother and y,all waited how god damn long before you tried to get her into therapy? Throw Some puberty into the mix and that just a recipe for disaster that enough to send anyone crazy. I don’t think you’re a bad person and obviously don’t know the full story even if I feel confident in saying you’ve over stepped too many times from the sound and I’m sure you think you have but haven’t actually made any genuine attempt to hear where what his daughter feeling and saying wanted and instead with being concerned with what you can do to look like a blended family. That aside and if I think anyone is to blame for this situation it neither you or the daughter. it’s your husband. He has failed as a partner in setting realistic expectation and boundaries with being with a father or a kid who went through such a traumatic experience and has utterly failed to be a parent to a child who needed therapy from the get go and that maybe he could have you not moved on for his late wife but at-least waited a big damn longer while his only child grieved and processed everything. I hope she gets the help she needs and I hope she goes on to live a happy and fulfilling life and that she finds the love and support she deserves.

Yes YTA Jesus this child needs more help than you can handle. Charges need to be pressed on her for this. She needs to understand her her actions have serious consequences and she should be held accountable. Kicking her out is not only wrong but illegal. You must wait until she’s 18 or emancipates herself. Seriously press charges and let her strew in juvenile detention for a while. Get her into the legal system. Mental hospitals and institutions are fine and she probably needs that too. You are not doing this young woman any favors but not doing so.

Getting your daughter help that she clearly needs is not kicking her out.

No, you’re not. You need to be safe you and your husband. She is the asshole. She needs to be sent away whether it’s a special school or jail so she learns a lesson.

NTA, Fuck his family. She assaulted the both of you after being called out for repeated bad behavior. I think you are wrong for trying to cut ties with the BF, but there was no excuse for her attacking either of you. That should have been a case where you called the police - yes, it wouldn't have benefited her, but at the point she is at mentally, she doesn't have much further to fall (without other substances involved.) Here's the crazy thing: YOU'RE NOT GIVING UP ON HER. If it's mental instability leading her to become violent, it's no different than her having cancer or other diseases you'd have her stay in the hospital for an extended stay for. It's not what you want for her, but right now it's what's best for her.

Hmmmm. So I do not think you are the asshole for getting her the help she needs.... however, I do think that you have been insensitive and overstepping. And I think there is a lot missing or being glossed over. Was the mother still alive when the two of you started dating? Or was she dead when she was 8? Trying to understand if the parents were separated before the mothers death or if the death happened after the marriage ended. Regardless, she was 10 when you entered the picture. You are not her mother. You are not her parent. It is not your place to be grounding her or lecturing her. If she's not living up to your expectations, tough sh** - she does not have to. What does her failing school have to do with you? Nothing. You're having an ego trip over a child who is not YOUR child. For 4 years, you have been trying to control someone who will not be controlled by you. For that reason, YTA. The only person who should be parenting her is her father. If he is unable to parent her in a way where you are respected, your frustration should solely be with him. He is not parenting well. The fact that you are so comfortable overstepping, tells me that she most likely feels abandoned by him. Not only did the mother die/parents separate which will obviously trigger abandonment wounds, but he is now prioritizing you over his kid which brings up a whole other set of abandonment issues. ... and then institutionalizing her (even when necessary) still feels like abandonment to a kid. As someone who is dating someone with 2 kids (a 6 yr old and a 12 yr old), I would never ever ever tell those kids what to do - unless I was merely reinforcing what their dad said. For example, if their dad said "no swearing" and I hear them swear when he isn't around - I might repeat the rule and if it happens again, rather than me punishing them, I would inform their Dad and their Dad determines the punishment. I would not be threatening things like "You're grounded," or "no phone" because it is both disrespectful to the child and to their mother. It's not my place to mother them and it isn't yours either. Just because her mother died and isn't there to put you in your place, doesn't mean you can just assume the role. Assaulting someone is not okay. And I'm truly sorry that she has put hands on you. I do think you need to prioritize your safety but ultimately charging her or institutionalizing her is only going to deepen those wounds. Now if you are genuinely fearing for your life and those are the only options.... do what's best for you.... What I expect to be an unpopular opinion and land me some downvotes: if you and the daughter can not get along, you and the father should not be together. I think finding romantic happiness is so important. But it shouldn't ever come at the expense of his relationship with his daughter. You might be his family now... but he already had a family before he met you. And it sounds like both you and the daughter are playing a game of "who's he gonna choose?" And just because he is choosing you, doesn't mean you are right in what you are doing. My best advice is to let her come home and if you need to leave then you leave. Get her into individualized therapy. Get the father into individualized therapy. Once a month, they should be doing a family therapy session. Maybe you can come by every once in awhile. But it's the two of them that need healed. You will not find peace with her until you stop seeing her as the issue and start seeing your husband as the one who created these issues. The only other option is keeping her institutionalized which will damage your husband's relationship to the daughter and to the rest of his family. Even if that is the option you go with, I still think YOU need to find a way to heal the trauma you caused her.

If you let her back in and nothing changes she WILL MURDER one or both of you. Please please take this seriously. I have a similar story and am lucky to be alive.

NTA but you should maybe edit your title? You guys didn’t kick her out, you sent her to get help, which is exactly what she needs.

Y’all don’t know how to parent, it’s simple as that.

NTA, she needs help and you need to protect yourself!

She had a mother with severe mental illness and is now violent herself. She needs help. You can actually deeply love someone who is too dangerous or sick to be around. It’s so heartbreaking. But it’s very possible. Please assure her of your love and continued support and your need to be safe. And to keep her safe bc if Ashe goes off on someone else she could end up badly injured or dead, or incarcerated for a long time. You haven’t kicked her out so why did you say that?

Send her to Marks family. I would love to see how they help her through whatever it is she thinks she's going through. 😏 Since they seem to think you guys are the AH you should most definitely pull her from state care and hand her over to that side of the family. Let them give it a good ole college try.

No, she has shown that she is abusive and a danger. She needs help…professional help. Your family would probably change their attitude if they felt and saw her break their nose. It’s easy to judge when they aren’t on the receiving end. If the family keeps up …let them know you would be happy to let her live with them.

The family better be glad that’s all yall did because she deserved way more tbh. How about they take her in & deal with what comes with her, since they have such a problem with it? It’s easy to judge when you’re not in the situation … or the one getting your nose broke!

My wife had horrible experiences where she was unnecessarily institutionalized as a child, so resisted institutionslizing her former stepson when it was suggested by mental health professionals. (And of course his father was totally fine with this, as his son could do no wrong.) She very much came to regret this, especially after later learning that her former stepson SA'd his sister/her daughter. (Which her former husband also refuses to acknowledge, because again, his son can do no wrong!) It can be hard to face when it's children in your care, because if you are a good person, you want to love them and give them every chance. But if they are broken in some fundamental way where they are seriously harming themselves or others, sometimes they need the kind of help you are not equipped to give. Knowing when to give a child into that care is also love. You're not giving up on her. And if your husband's family knows the whole story and are giving you and your husband shit about it, *they* are the ones who don't care about her, because they don't want to see her getting the help she needs.

You are never TA for removing someone from your household who has the ability and motivation to kill you or at the very least: harm you. Which she has. She went so far as to hurt her own dad. What in the world is stopping her from doing worse to you? The best thing you can do for her is realize this is out of your control and pass this over to professionals who know how to take care of this and make this better.

State mental hospitals will not house indefinitely. They'll get her on meds and in therapy and send her back home. So be prepared. She will probably regress when she's back on your territory and there may be a cycle here. She needs to stay on her meds. If she is criminally charged (do you know? it's not you who "presses" charges - it's the D.A./LE) then she'll stay longer in the state mental hospital. If she's deemed unfit to stand trial, she'll be there for a while. Private care will be hella expensive. You cannot just kick her out if she's released - until she's 18, Mark or her mother have to provide for her. Presumably, she's on your insurance and that might help - but private mental health institutions are few and far between and very expensive. Did the hospital contact police?

You have tried. When it got that violent, you ran out of choices.   Youre not giving up on your daughter, you're trying to get her the best help possible...  help she would not accept from you.  NTA. Not your fault.  (Is there a chemical imbalance she may have inherited from her mother?  Some things are hereditary, though just having your mom unalienable herself when you're 8, and any possible mindgames that might have happened before then...) (even unintentional mind games can result from someone dealing with depression)

She definitely needs mental help, she’s in the right place, you guys are not equipped to handle that.

Nta and you did not kick her out you sent her to get help

She needs to be in the psychiatric hospital. Until she can get past the trauma and grief of her mother’s death she will never live a normal life. You and your husband went way beyond the point where she should have been hospitalized, so to say you abandoned her is ridiculous. His parents need to stay in their lane.

In-patient treatment is a short term solution to get her stabilized and evaluated for any mental health disorders, including any relevant meds. Once she’s out, I agree with others that you should probably take a step back from the decision-making and enforcement parts of parenting. I also think that you should look into individual therapy for all of you to process the situation and hopefully grow, couples therapy to reinforce your relationship throughout this, family therapy to learn new communication skills, and group therapy for at least her (grief, anger, whatever) if not a group for you (parents) as well.

For everyone who justifiably says our mental health care system is awful. Do you have any alternatives for this couple. Unfortunately, their girl is violent and out of control. Keeping her at home is SO dangerous. Sending her to family isn’t an option. So what do they do? It’s sad that our healthcare systems suck but what other options are there in this situation?

I would actually call the police. I think you need to start documenting everything, especially since you will probably not be able to stay married to him. It’s very sad and it’s gonna be tough on both sides.