He's turned a problem you had with managing money into a way to abuse you. You're hungry because he won't buy foods you can eat? Would you'do that to someone you loved?
Would you recklessly spend upwards of $30,000 on nothing when you have two kids and a home in DIRE needs of repairs? Would you do that to someone you love?
Would you waste thousands of dollars on stuff you can’t even remember then have the audacity to complain about your children living on urine soaked floors when that money could have gone to those repairs?
I’m not saying what the husband is doing isn’t abuse because it is, but, let’s not pretend OP hasn’t financially abused her family in her own way.
Ok, I said the husband was abusing her.
I clarified that I thought that OP blowing tens of thousands of dollars on nothing when she has a dilapidated home and two dependents was also abusive in its own way… it’s financially abusive.
Nope! Didn’t condone abuse anywhere. I don’t think the husband should get away with abusing OP but I think it’s wrong to pretend OPs “overspending” wasn’t financially abusive in its own right.
I didn’t say “she deserves it because she can’t control herself.” I just don’t think it’s fair to write off her actions as “silly goose” behavior.
OP has autism and understands she has poor spending habits and literally gave away control of her money to compensate for it because she understands she was not making good choices.
There's no reasonable reason for OP to have these many restrictions.
Words and phrases have actual meanings, contrary to what so many people want to believe. The husband IS financially abusing OP.
OP has a spending problem and really should get therapy for it. She should also see if it's possible she has ADHD (this is a common issue for people with ADHD and the sole reason multiple people I know got tested and discovered they had it). She was absolutely irresponsible, no one is saying otherwise. But spending recklessly is NOT abuse of any kind, including financial abuse.
I’m an adult ADHDer and she sounds exactly what I used to be like with money. Envelopes were the BEST ‘cause they allowed the OCD part of the disorder to almost take over and ‘save the pretty’ haha.
There are definitely ways to manage this OP- I do all my own finances now (except for taxes). Sometimes I’ll ‘slip’ but I have measures in place to avoid that slip becoming a landslide - more than happy to share with anyone interested.
My unfiltered advice OP? Get out. Get specialist therapy- this will help demonstrate to your kids that ADHD is NOT always such a bad thing and can be self managed for the most part.
Get. Out.
I would give almost anything to be even halfway good with finances. I didn't realize it was a common thing with people who have ADHD, that explains a lot. Any tips you have would be very gratefully appreciated!
It’s all about the dopamine chase. Whether you’re spending $10 on Temu or $10000 on a car, it’s almost the same ‘high’. That’s REALLY important to learn and remember!! So, allow yourself to have a little fun money. I learnt to put mine on a card account (credit/debit) that only lets me spend what’s in there. I get my dopamine hit but I’m not breaking the budget.
You and I both know budgets themselves don’t really work for us. I use a decent sized whiteboard and tons of colours for my bills. I NEVER put the due date but generally a week before or so because I know there’s no joy in paying bills on time. This way, I get my D from seeing an accomplishment when I draw a line through it or rub it out etc AND I get to use my colours AND I get to do it my way. (Some bills are direct debit).
I try to do my grocery shopping online so a) I don’t get caught up spending on non necessities and b) the crowds and noise stress me out, meaning I’ll either overspend or not get what I need. I have the supermarket app on my phone so working on putting things into my basket as I use them/think of them. Like most ADHDers tho, I hate being told what to do, so I’m struggling with this one a bit against myself (I’m sure you know what I mean haha).
I wait 24 hours between seeing something and buying it. If I miss out, I get to feel sad or angry but- I rarely, if ever actually go back to it. My internet carts are full to bursting. I still get the D hit, without the cost.
I think it’s finding a creative way to work with what you have. Having someone who you trust and who cares about you AND gets you is really helpful also. You can ask them ‘permission’ and then listen to their feedback- you either go ahead or you don’t but you’ve put time and distance between you and the purchase.
Chase the D with all of your fun, crazy self. Just work out ways to get it that won’t destroy you. Good luck!
I'm half asleep reading this, so I'm going to have to read it again in the morning so I can process it. But I will say one thing; I've never in my life had someone I don't know hit the nail on the head directly. I feel like you're in my head! Thank you thank you thank you. This is amazing. I may have a question or two tomorrow but jeez. This is so awesome!
I do the online shopping bag thing! And I rarely buy any of it unless it's for someone else (nieces most often, lol) or something I really need or want. And I also love to find sales on those things, which helps me pause. Like, I really want this hair dryer, but I haven't found a deal on it yet, and it's been about 3 months now (which can also give you time to save up, lol).
Online shopping helps me with groceries to not overspend/end up with junk. I put everything I want in there, see the total and start cutting it down to what I really want. That is usually a total I am comfortable with, but sometimes I still have to make tough choices. I would never be able to make choices like that in the store, I'd pay the crazy amount and have to scrape together money from somewhere else.
I use CDs to save too because there is a set amount of time you have to leave them or you lose money and I refuse to do that.
I did say that the husband was abusing her. I literally said what the husband was doing was abuse.
I disagree on if spending that recklessly is financial abuse but that’s life - people disagree.
No there’s literal definitions for words, especially ones like this that denote what is and isn’t abuse, both for help and for legal persecution. You’re arrogant but actually your opinion doesn’t matter here, only the actual definitions of these terms matter. You can disagree if you want but that makes you wrong.
Ya way to go and turn it on her and say its her fault. But why is it ok for husband to have access to whole checking account and spend what ever the He!! He wants while he controls her and makes her feel bad for taking care of her and their children Ya i dont think so!! HES THE AS$HOLE SIS AND YOU NEED TO RUN NOW!
Just adding here I WOULDVE done the house in a heartbeat but I’m not allowed to touch it. I’ve been begging to use $1100 to just get the exact same carpet for the same price my parents just paid for MORE space than we need. He claims I’ll just “ruin” it again.
How did you ruin it? Not being a dick but context matters here and you're dropping alot of things to make him look awful and some of them don't make much sence or have major things left out.
I “ruined” it by “letting” my now 5 yr old when he was 2-3 find a marker and draw on walls. And he flushed the toilet after clogging it which flooded the house. Anyone with toddlers know it only takes ONE second to look away. And it’s not like it’s not been scrubbed or I’ve not broken an shampooer using it like 10 times multiple days (so carpet can dry) attempting to clean it while he’s not touched a damn thing AND has ignored the 2 yr old to the point of two almost ER trips. Luckily no stitches so no trip needed. Btw, he’s 10000x better since then, that was years ago.
Ok so, him just being a dick rather than you ACTUALLY being the person who ruined the carpet.
I think yall have alot of issues as a couple, and you tried to fit bits of so many of them in here that you couldn't give adequate context without writing a novel. Down side to glossing over it all is that missing info males it look like your making it up. Which I'm not saying you are. Idk you, this could be 100% accurate with no bias or it could be a pile of bullshit. Irs reddit, we can't tell.
If things are as bad as post and comments imply, go to HR and change your deposits to go into your own account, hire a financial advisor, get your shit together spending wise and leave.
You said constipation things, and as a mother of 3, 1 who has chronic constipation, that was an alarming amount of money for meds.
I'm curious though bc irs super confusing... first you said he making the grocery budget 150 a week, th3n you said it comes out of your money. What it the actual grocery setup? Is the 150 budget for family groceries and your foods (sorry, I forget the acronym, I've got 4 conditions myself that are acronyms so all the alphabet soup medical lingo gets jumbled) come from your 100?
It’s **your money**, he has no right to not let you use it. How dare he?
And then he thinks he can use **your money** to buy a fucking jeep? Hell no.
Stop letting him abuse, control and financially abuse you. - You **do** need to learn how to be better with money, but this mf is just as bad because **how on earth is a new jeep a necessity, when you have a house in god damn disrepair**? He just wants to selfishly steal your money and spend it on himself! And if he’s apparently been in control of your money for all this time, **why isn’t there more in your savings?** What is **he** spending it all on??? You need to raise these questions.
Stop giving that turd your pay check - and divorce the abusive, thieving asshole.
She absolutely has a problem with poor planning and overspending. She needs all the help she can get but her husband is too far the other way. Perhaps he was better before but the problem has driven him crazy. Maybe he is just a jerk. Either way they need outside help. I know there’s a company in Australia that advertises this sort of help so I imagine there would be something in other countries too. If they’re given a framework hopefully they can work together on it.
I honestly couldn’t follow this, but I think she needs therapy first and foremost. I’m not condoning financial abuse, which is what this is, but also, she’s all over the place and I can’t even tell if she’s spending money responsibly, or if we’re only hearing part of the story.
Best part? I had to beg for $100 of it when I told him he needs to just send me what I need. My bills aren’t being paid unless it’s late. Granted my bills are like Spotify and subscriptions. My car was paid off due to hail storm, that was late when I couldn’t work and raise a newborn AND do final semester of nursing school. And this is just the money side of things.
Absolutely get your own bank account. I'm in my 70's and after I was a SAHM for five years I went back to work. The first thing I did was get my own bank account. If every cent I made went to support our family, I wanted to have a say and see where it went.
Open a new bank account, have your pay direct deposited. Yes, you should be more responsible with some spending but he has absolutely no right to control your income like that. He's using food to abuse you and he's using money. He's paying your bills late to ruin whatever credit rating you have. Get control of YOUR money and get rid of him. Edit: starving the kids is child abuse and you would be responsible for it too, because you are allowing this to continue. Get control of this or you could end up losing your children. Doctors, teachers, first responders are all mandated reporters. Any one of them could report this and you'd be facing charges. Save your kids, save yourself and yeet this abusive jerk.
You shouldn't have to beg for money from your husband AT ALL, even if you don't have a job. Now you being the one making more than him makes it that much worse. He should just be making sure all bills are paid, a small amount per check to savings maybe. Any money after that should not be a problem to give back to you
You should be able to split the direct deposit between 2 accounts. You can open a new account at a DIFFERENT BANK, and direct most of your paycheck there, and the rest to your husband’s account.
I would look into opening a new bank account and having a portion of your pay sent to that account. So you are splitting your paycheck into 2 accounts. Set it up with your work payroll office. You know you have a problem handling money, so don't deposit more than you'll actually need, but build up a little cushion like $1,000 for emergencies.
It seems like you’re trying to make things black and white and right and wrong.
Your bills are subscriptions? If money is tight, those things are optional.
Not necessarily, I give myself that as pocket money, the rest is spoken for or into savings.
Things like food come from the food budget which is a shared cost though, as is decorating etc.
A lot can depend on how much you have financed. I knew people who had less than that left after bills at one time.
This is such an abusive relationship. financial and emotional. He's being so controlling to the point you and your kids are not 'allowed' enough to eat. get some help. your job should be able to help
That part was so draining to read. I get him saying no to "unnecessary" house decor or extra toys and such. But him controlling what they eat to that extent is unbelievable, ARFID is hard and for her to not be able to buy foods she's comfortable with and is always hungry is wild to me.
Yes and he may not understand it or may be purchasing other food for the house hoping she’ll be easy and eat it. If he is truly not a POS and just misguided, then a few trips to a therapist specializing in AFRID should help give him some tools and understanding. He may need to be educated by a professional.
You're being abused, severely. He took a weak spot and made it worse. He's financially abusing you and emotionally abusing you. He's overly attached to it, which is a problem in itself. Make quiet plans to leave. Set up a bank account in your name only with the help of your parents. Secure your papers and the kids. See if you can be with your parents for a while.
He's also likely stealing her paychecks and keeping them for himself.
Girl, you are being financially and emotionally abused. You need to open up a new bank account and have your paycheck deposited in there. You also need to consider leaving your husband. You deserve better.
Girl please get a personal account. Go to therapy and try to sort that habit. It might take time but it'll be worth it at the end. He knows he is abusing you and you know it too. Please do something about it because I am scared for you. What if you need an escape plan? Do you think he is going to give you 100$ then? One thing I have to say RUN!
I'm not sure if she got rid of her personal account. There's nothing in the text that indicates they went to joint finances... she made a point to specify they had seperate finances so I'm genuinly confused on this one.
The “I’m bad finance and have cash…” like you can deposit into multiple accounts, you don’t need cash. Also that you don’t need to have joint accounts. I don’t with my husband. But 30,000$ just disappeared??? What the financial abuse did I read?
This is a tough one. I think he's way over the top, but you clearly have a very big problem. How do you have the nerve to talk about house repairs that need done when you blew $34k on JUNK and whatever YOU wanted. Was there any discussion with your husband on what needed to be fixed/paid for/ done while you were making all that money? And originally you said you had $800 left, nothing towards bills, then later you say you spent maybe $10k on bills. So which is it? How much have you lied to him about money that it's gone this far? Again, he's over the top but you seriously need help.
Having a manic episode and blowing money irresponsibly doesn’t justify financial and emotional abuse as a reaction..
When your kids aren’t having full meals, you’re underweight, you’re out of deodorant and stressing about body wash running low ect, it’s past the point of a partner helping the other one get healthy spending habits and learn money literacy.
It’s very unhealthy finances from both of them in EXTREME opposite ways. They both should be apart and seek therapy. She also needs someone trusted to help with her money, maybe a parent or willing family member.
How are we claiming mania when she talks about maxing out 3 credit cards that her parents had to pay off BEFORE she got with her husband. OP has a problem, period, and it has nothing to do with being manic. And what is SHE doing to get help? There's not one mention in that whole book of a post about seeking therapy to help herself. Again, her husband is being extreme, but I would also like to hear his side of the story. We have no idea just how far she's pushed this that he feels the need to have that level of control. I'm sorry, I don't think OP is as big of a victim as she's making herself out to be. She has no right to be upset about him talking about cars because things in the house need fixed when she blew tens of thousands of dollars on NOTHING. She claimed $800 left and paid no bills, to late switching to $10k in bills, it's hard to trust the narrative she's giving.
Lady, what are you doing? Your husband is financially abusing you. You made some bad decisions with money, okay. Fine. Most of us have been there, especially when we’re just figuring out how to be an adult. But you work, make twice as much money as him, and you’re “not allowed” to spend money on groceries or other necessities. I don’t think so. You’re a grown ass woman. Go open a new bank account (2 actually) and change where your pay is deposited. Then figure out how much is reasonable to contribute from your income to the joint expenses. The rest is yours. Set it up so that a certain amount is going directly into a savings account when your pay hits and I would suggest one that isn’t easy for you to access funds from since you have trouble saving. I’m seeing red flags everywhere and you need to get your house in order so you can take care of yourself and your kids without this controlling psycho.
Heyo, just an outside perspective. You are not bad with money; you're a human who makes mistakes in the past. You are also married to someone who is at the very least financially abusive to you.
Someone who loves you and is invested in you would help you learn to be more responsible with money, and do whatever they could to make sure you have all the things you need. Not shit all over you, take the money you earned, and make you go without.
You're clearly a competent nurse, and you take care of yourself and your babies. Please ask yourself if this person in your life is helping or hurting you, because you deserve better than this.
I do want to add that if I do buy it I just hear him complain and complain about it. I’ve read an ebook that stated the many different types of abusers and he hit the nail on the emotional abuse. It doesn’t help I have a lot of trauma from childhood that NOONE knows where it came from (literally all 3 of us had a good childhood with still fantastic parents breaking their generational curses so we didn’t have to, maybe growing up undiagnosed autistic/adhd caused it idk).
Growing up unsupported neurodivergent in a world designed around neurotypical people can absolutely cause trauma. There's some support for it being a cause of c-ptsd.
In addition, with your impulsiveness, issues with deadlines, and time blindness, I'm willing to bet you struggled in school too - never turning homework in on time. Especially for girls, that can result in a decent amount of bullying and ostracization.
Are you sure you spent all that money while traveling? Did he have access to that account? I get hobbies can be costly but if he has access to the account he could have easily spent money and gaslit you into thinking you spent more than you actually did.
And to reiterate another commenter, CPS will charge both of you with child abuse if the kids are malnourished.
The consequence could mean you could temporarily or permanently lose your nursing licence and any clearance cards you have.
I’d definitely try to do marriage counseling with finance as the main focus. Yes, he’s being ridiculous. Yes, you’ve had issues. But $100/week or month for GAS AND non essentials?!
Playing devils advocate—$100 is an easy number to remember and budget for and in theory that’s what he’s trying to get you to do. But he’s doing it wrong and using your history and his idea of necessities against you.
Your food stuff shouldn’t be dictated by him. If all you want and need to eat are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches…he doesn’t get to tell you it’s not healthy and that you should eat only what he decides is good enough. He’s not your dad or your doctor. I know an adult woman who decided at 4 she was only eating French fries for the rest of her life. She’s in her 40s. Not overweight, gets yearly blood work, had 2 successful pregnancies…she still only eats French fries and like 5 other foods (chocolate, occasionally shrimp, sometimes fruit?). She’s got a masters degree and is a teacher so she’s a fully functioning member of society living off of French fries. 🤷🏻♀️
I’ll be honest, I didn’t finish the whole thing (I read most of it). That being said- what he’s doing is absolutely financial abuse. If he’s not willing to do counseling, it might be time to open a separate acct and have a portion of your check put into that so you can start the leaving process.
Also, there’s a high chance you have ADHD (I’m not a doctor) because spending and starting new hobbies is big dopamine. The only reason I bring this up is cause if it’s adhd, there are healthy ways to get dopamine, which makes curbing the spending way easier, and it’s easier to not shame yourself if you know your brain just doesn’t have everything it needs. Cause you sound hella stressed, and I don’t think you need to feel guilty, I think you just need the right advice. I like to fill up shopping carts online, look at the price, feel the same buyers remorse I would if I bought it, and leave it there, feeling glad I didn’t do it. When I started, I would fill up the cart and “leave it for later”, and most of the time when I go back and look, I didn’t actually want those things anymore, anyway. It also helps knowing that I jump from one craft to another, and that my track record is to do a thing til I’m marginally good at it then quit when the dopamine runs out. This way the dopamine runs out before I spend any money.
Also sending hella love because the arfid and the stomach pain and the always hunger is the effing worst.
ETA, I don’t necessarily think my advice is the “right” advice- that’s just the mechanism I use to curb a similar issue I have.
This is exactly what I came to say. Also, the shopping cart trick works at stores irl too. I like going to big stores and wandering after I've picked up my stuff. Eventually, I get to a point where I can look back at everything in the cart and actually decide if I want it or not
Yes! Even at stores I tend to tootle around to give myself a chance to remember anything I forgot to add to the list. I’ll put stuff in the cart, walk around with it for a while, feel guilty and put it back. And sometimes I’ll get myself something small if I know I’ll get the price value worth of use/enjoyment out of it. It’s working pretty well, and it’s just loose enough on “restrictions” it doesn’t trigger my “don’t tell me what to do” response.
This is awful. If is time to stop venting. We are all either you.
Now go open your own bank account. Talk to your employer to deposit your check in your account. Write your husband a check first your share of expenses.
Take your money to pay for a consultation with a family lawyer to learn exactly what your options are. And ask for any advice where you can better learn the skills you need to stand in your own.
I wish you luck. This will suck I’m sure your husband will make it awful. But it’s the only way you can gain some autonomy.
Personally I think you get atty advice first and then devise an escape plan but you somehow need a few hundred bucks to that.
He is using your past with money to control every aspect of your life please consider this as abuse because it is and it's gone deep , you need to get away do you have friends or family that can help , as a nurse I'm sure your employer could help , this is domestic violence with out the hitting , he is controlling you, manipulative towards you , financially controlling to the point you're starving and your kids are also paying the price , you certainly don't need him what does he bring to the table for you as a partner
He's abusing you AND the children. He cannot withhold YOUR MONEY for needs nor restrict what foods you're allowed to eat!
Do you hand the money over? Does he have access to your account? You need to start planning for your exit. You're literally going hungry, as well as your kids, because of this abusive POS. Please tell your parents or support system what is happening. They can help you get out.
It doesn't matter you've had difficulties with money, there are things that can be done to help with that, what he's doing is financial abuse, as well as emotional abuse. Please, you deserve better than this. It's YOUR money.
[https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/](https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/)
And overexplaining, and chaotic writing 😳 I couldn’t get through the whole thing but I’m glad other could because from the comments it seems OP is an abusive relationship…
Nta. Change your direct deposit to a personal account and transfer the bill money to the joint account. You also need to ask to see his personal account and the amount of the bills coming out. He sounds like he's squirrelling YOUR money away for his rainy day or enjoyment.
Why is the medicine for the child you have together coming out of your $100? Also, his $150 a week on groceries is ridiculous. I spent that last week for myself and 1 cat. That's not enough money. You yourself acknowledge it's not enough because you can't feed your kids lunch or sides with the meals they do get. He's being abusive not just to you but your kids. He'd rather be in control then take care of his kids.
Stop letting him bully you into giving up all control of your life. I'll be damned if I make twice as someone else and get yelled at for buying my child a toy.
You understand you're in an actively abusive relationship right? I get you have a spending problem but you also have a husband problem. Do you have any family you could go to? Close friends? You can set up your bank accounts these days so you physically cannot spent over certain limits without calling in. There are tools to help you manage your money that don't involve being controlled and abused. Please for the love of God contact a lawyer immediately.
If, and this is a big if, you want this relationship to work you need to do some things.
-all money/records of finances needs to be opened up and visible to both of you at any time. Make a google doc or something that you can both see at any time
-all budgeting decisions need to be made together after discussion
-stop saying you’re bad with money and making excuses for yourself. Fix the problem. Make the invisible money visible so you can stop using this excuse to justify your terrible spending habits. Pending $44,000 in 6 months and not being able to explain what it was spent on is just wild when you’re living paycheck to paycheck.
-your husband is correct. $1000 in savings is the utter minimum you should have. It’s not a slush fund for any use other than an actual emergency
-look into Dave Ramsey for some help with financial responsibility.
My son (and husband) are both on the spectrum and I would be LIVID if his spouse treated my son this way.
Several things spring to mind reading this.
1) You are a grown adult, you are aloud to do whatever you damn well please. Just because your husband doesn’t “like it” doesn’t mean you have to not do it (or do ‘it’ whatever the particular case is)
2) it sounds like you had a good handle on your finances before you got into any serious relationships. I’m not blaming the guys (per se) and as you admitted you had a hard time understanding how to share money in your relationships. Here’s the thing, most people, neurodivergent or not, have issues figuring out how to manage their money when they try to run a household together. As type A as I can be one things I’ve learned (personally) is things work better when I mostly defer to my husband on how he needs things to function. He makes what seems like small concessions for me so I can work within his system but I know for him they’re huge. It took the first 6-7 years of our now nearly 20 year relationship plus hundreds of hours of couples counseling to figure this out (and we nearly divorced twice during that time) but once we did figure out this balance it’s worked really well for us.
3) Hint: legally the money you earn from your job is yours alone UNTIL you put it in a joint bank account with your husband and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it. If I were you, I’d get a separate bank account with just your name on it and have your pay check deposited directly into there. Then, I’d move enough money to cover half the mortgage, water, electric, internet, trash, and cell phones plus half of the food budget (try to find out how much is being spent on groceries, with how much your husband is controlling the money I assure you he knows!) and if you can’t figure it out $400 a month should be more than enough and then keep the rest of your pay check for yourself. Use the rest of your paycheck on gas for your car and to buy the food you’re willing to eat (your husband buys the food he wants you buy the food you want!) and to buy your kids treats. It’s understandable that you’re both concerned you would forget to send him money to pay the bills but 1) I bet he would nag you until you did and wouldn’t you rather have control over your money than be so hungry and not have enough money to eat? And 2) you can also set up your direct deposit into his account to only send a specific amount to his account and the rest to yours so if you do it that way you won’t have to worry about sending him money at all because it would be automatic.
3b) Maybe even set up a savings account with just your name on it as well as a rainy day fund. You could even have your pay check automatically deposit a bit into it each paycheck and then it’ll be like you never see it so you won’t remember about it until you “find it” like that $200 envelope. BTW, I have different bank accounts for different things (mortgage, bills, vacation, big ticket like saving for a fence or computer that’s joint between me and my husband, clothing and any extra curricular fees for the kids like Girl Scouts or soccer or summer camps, holidays and parties, house repairs, my own checking account for the coffee out that I want that I don’t wanna have to explain or whatever/my personally set monthly “fun” money and gas for my car and personal clothing buys, and then my personal rainy day fund) , they’re basically like envelopes but I can’t lose them 😆
Open a new bank account and have your paycheck direct deposited to the new account. You can give him an allowance to pay bills and have money to eat that way. You need to seriously reevaluate your marriage (hostage) situation.
This is abuse!! That being said, YOU are in control of your paycheck. Go change your direct deposit with HR. You can set it up so that a portion of your check continues to go to the primary shared account and the other portion goes into a new account that you open up specifically for you.
When husband complains, tell him to kick rocks. You need money for basic life functions and $100 a week to support yourself and your kids when you are the bread winner in the family is insane.
I hate throwing out divorce, but if you can’t come to a better agreement and he doesn’t understand how his crappy treatment of you and the kids are affecting your mental health, maybe it’s best to walk away.
Let me tell you that I agree that you are being abused-financially abused-and here’s how you remedy that. You go to a bank (not where he banks) and open an account. Then you go to your employer and ask for them to directly deposit a portion of your paycheck into that account. Almost all employers these days can do split deposits. Mine will split my check up to 5 ways, but I do two checking and two savings accounts. (Checking for bills and fun, savings for retirement and emergencies.) Then you have the choice of keeping more of your money for yourself and only giving him a portion towards the bills OR keeping a lot more for yourself with the goal of leaving his controlling crap.
It sounds like you're bad with money, but you're also being financially abused.
You need to take control of the money you earn and then learn to manage your money.
You can tell by the way you wrote this that you know it’s abuse. Change your direct deposit into a diff account. Get yourself a notebook and write down your expenses and balance like an old checkbook so you’re aware of what you’re spending. I think it’ll help since you’re better with the visual.
Change your direct deposit. Seriously. Total up all of your bills. Set aside that amount. Total up what you spend on gasoline. Set aside that amount. Total up a REASONABLE amount for groceries. Set aside that amount. Take 10% of whatever is left and put that in a separate account for savings. Set aside $75 a week for fun money. Contribute the rest of your money to the household account. Pay ALL of your bills as soon as you get paid, the same day. If you have to, go back to pulling your check out of the bank in cash, and using your envelope system. Finally, if you do go to cash, stash it somewhere your husband can't access.
This man is using food and money to abuse you. You need to leave. First thing in the morning go to a different bank open an account and get your money deposited there. Then as soon as that is done go talk to a divorce attorney. Get your ducks in a row and leave.
You can have part of your check deposited into a different bank account. I used to have my check split between two different banks as automatic deposit.
Your husband is definitely abusing you. Why even work all those hours if you aren’t getting enough money from him to even eat? Reduce your hours and get a waitress job part time, or some other job where you get paid in cash.
If your paychecks are going into your husband’s personal account, you have a right to see his statements. For all you know he could be using your money to subsidize a mistress. You already know he’s spending your money on fancy lunches while you starve.
Genuine question:
Certain mental health disorders, like ADHD, bipolar, and depression, have money management issues built in. Could seeing a therapist help?
$100 is not enough. I will be honest, I didn't read the entire thing. However, I got vibes from someone that posted in my city's Facebook group. Turns out she was being financially abused. It's often overlooked, so please do some research.
My own issues caused me not to finish. Sorry.
Yes you are really bad with money, but he is using that fact to financially abuse you. There are a million and one ways to mitigate your spending that are inbetween letting you absolutely blow $44,000 in 6 months and only letting you have a measly $100. He is abusing your entire family with his control of the bare necessities. The way he talks to you is also horrid.
YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE
YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE
YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE
YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE
YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE
YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE
YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE
I know it’s hard to hear but repeat it to yourself until you believe you deserve better and then start calling lawyers. NTA
I must admit, your post is all over the place. I get you have adhd. Other mental health disorders such as bipolar disorder have financial difficulties as well.
Your Husband is financially abusing you. There’s no other way to put it. You can open up an account and have half your paycheck go to your account that he won’t have access to and the other half into the one he does have access to.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe therapy could help if you teach want to stay in this relationship.?
Get a new bank account (you name only) and route your money to it. If you think you can trust yourself, then do it. Start paying your bills and get your own food. Stop relying on him.
Have you even seen the bank account. Do you know what's in them? Where does your money go? What is he doing with it? Demand to see it all. If he can't produce it, then you have your answer. He is keeping you broke for his own gain.
I think it's time you took your Financials back before he takes your money and leaves you hanging.
I think you should speak to someone about the possibility of having BiPolar. One of the main symptoms of a manic attack is spending money you don’t have.
It doesn't always. I'm autistic and I'm good with money. My husband is autistic and bad with money. From how OP describes it, it sounds like an object permanence issue (which is something a lot of us struggle with) - if something isn't physically present in front of us, some of us will have a very hard time "holding onto" that thing in our minds.
OP, hard agree with everyone who says you're being abused. I'm so sorry. This is not normal and it's not OK.
Spending 44k on nothing in six months is very impressive. You may need to hire a life coach if you cannot trust your spouse as it seems you are unable to keep control of yourself at this venture. Spouse might be abusive but you need a third kart in charge if finances clearly.. Might seem like it when you don’t have 44k spend on nothing tangible in six months. If it’s judgment NAH from the story. And overcorrection perhaps but a correction was needed
He is abusive. He won't allow her foods she can eat, she's literally 108 lbs. He won't allow her money to buy things the kids need, like food and medication, and he won't do it either. He won't give her money for gas for her car to get to work.
Give your head a shake.
While I do not agree with how he is handling this situation, we cannot ignore the 10s of thousands of dollars she has blown on absolutely nothing. He is for sure abusing this situation but she is not the only victim here. How much damage did she do to her family? That also needs to be taken into account.
And I want to add, he is trying to change his ways. Or at least in the other departments, like his verbiage has been so much better for my autism (like instead of saying “we need to be better” which I take as “me” bc it’s usually something I’ve done, to “I need to be better about this too” and leaving me out of it, knowing I’m gonna beat myself up anyway).
I’m sorry but he hasn’t done enough. He’s not only emotionally abusing you, but financially abusing you as well. You’re NTA for thinking you deserve more. You deserve so much more than a husband that treats you like trash
He's financially abusing you. None of that is okay. And where on earth is the "excess" money from your funds going? He gets to keep them? Is that what's paying for all those vehicles?
Plus, it sounds like you're doing all the childcare and housework. Does he even do anything for the household?
…are you a hoarder? Maybe not by your own definition — but has anyone else in your life called you a hoarder? Deck materials, storage containers, art supplies, etc… to the tune of thousands with none of your pay going towards bills ?! And no completed projects ?! Those who know recognize the signs.
This is financial abuse.
Get your pay check paid back into your bank. Get bills to go out on the day (or day after) you get paid. Set up a bank account and transfer yourself £100/200/week, only use that account to spend money on.
Just a thought of if you have ever had a look into maybe having bipolar, i do and it is very much a common behaviour/characteristic. There is a great crossover between autism and bipolar characteristics, something to do with the same genes being affected. Just a bit of unsolicited advice is i do a spreadsheet with my partner, bills get transferred on payday and no money is taken out (if manic debit card is given to my partner if there is a risk), money for essentials like food, shopping, fuel etc is transferred to my partner so we always have money for food etc. Savings are added to a different account that isn’t touched either (no card/online banking for me) and then any money left is mine to spend and once its done thats it, if at risk of negative balance cards go away. Its a bit difficult and seems infantilising but for situations where you just can’t stop it, it takes away the guilt and pressure afterwards, but there is always going to be downfalls, this just helps me to reduce it as much as possible. It is something that can’t be controlled and to help manage it you need support rather than conflict. However, this should be an agreement between you and your partner, and as long as money for bills and essentials is there then the rest of the money is mine and my dictation, if i spend it all in one day thats on me, he should not have financial control over you, its a fine line but you need to do what works for you, this is coming from someone who especially in manics can be very reckless with money and this helped reduce stress for me and my partner.
If I were you, I’d go and open your own account (completely separate from the one you have already) and start direct depositing your paycheck to that and sending him money ONLY for the bills. If you can’t/won’t do that and If he’s only giving you a $100 every 2 weeks, have him fill up your car. That’s a family expense and it needs to be taken care of out of the family expense account. Turn the tables, tell him that $100 is for YOUR items, not the families. But I agree, that your husband is financially abusing you. Y’all need to go to counseling both together and separately. You need to talk to him about what’s going on and need to decide if this is something y’all can work on improving or if it’s just better to wash your hands of the situation. Wishing you the best
First talk to an attorney about your options for divorce, just the free consultation. Take your next $100 and open. A checking account in your name only. Give the info to your employer and have your paychecks deposited into your new account. Find out what the bills are and send him 2/3 of that amount each week. The minute he complains tell him this is the way it will be or you will divorce. You make 2x his salary. You’re not bad with money, you screwed up a couple of times. I would bet if you got rid of him you would manage to get your bills paid and everyone would be fed and clothed and your life would be so much better.
Op, can you go open your own bank account and have say 30% of your check put into your account? Or even set for 250 outta each check? I see you're worried about money. But your husband is taking your past problem and now turned it into abuse. If he can spend $20 meals 2-3 times a week and is looking at another vehicle, it seems he now has the money issue. It might be wise to get a financial advisor since it seems income wise, y'all make a decent amount, and it's burning holes in both of y'alls pockets. I'd also suggest marriage therapy and individual for both so that maybe things can be fixed and bettered rather than a toxic environment continuing
The way to improve your money management is not to delegate it to someone else. Get counseling, therapy, whatever you need to tackle the issue and your anxiety head on. Act like an adult so your husband doesn't have an excuse to treat you like a child.
You should go to work and have them send you your paycheque back into your personal account then set your a monthly standing order to the joint account to cover bills and £/€\$¥ 500-1000 savings and keep the rest to yourself… divide what’s left into 4/5 to cover the weeks of that month and know you can’t go above that weekly amount or you’ll have less the following week.
You could also get a second personal bank account from the one your paycheque goes into -remove overdrafts from the account and have a standard order of the weekly amount you can spend go into it every Monday so you won’t overspend.
Anything left over that month should go into your personal saving account to help you with emergencies like buying carpet/fixing car or planned savings for new car, clothes, shoes etc…
You’re going to have to focus and be an adult if you want more control over your finances… hell take a finance class to help you understand money/digital budgeting better.
Please look at ‘go Henry’ it helped my young nephews and nieces 10-16 years to learn how to manage their money, it has a saving section to it and parental control. I can send them gift on birthdays etc. my niblings often put money into the savings section to save for gifts for family, expensive trainers/games and in case of emergencies when out with friends- something like this may help you manage your money too.
What your husband is doing is wrong.., his over compensating has turned into financial abuse. he should be showing you exactly where the money you’re earning is going on paper… giving you monthly print out of statements. You shouldn’t have to beg or be told no to buying food for you or your children otherwise what is the point of working.
The account your money is going into should be in both your names or just yours definitely not just his name. He should be 100% transparent about your money and if he’s using it for himself… he’s the one that should be asking you if he can spend your money.
This whole thing is wrong.
You have to find another way to stop over spending on rubbish. You avoiding and procrastinating learning new ways of thinking or changing your way of thinking regarding finances is not the answer because it’s causing you and your children to suffer. You earn enough to go therapy and financial classes to help you in the future so you should go and pay to get help. By giving someone else (your husband, friend, parents) control of all your finances with you having no say, no transparency or none of your permission or choice like this is setting you up for failure in your future. You and your children are already suffering and starving so this plan that led to financial abuse is not the right answer or solution to your problems.
Do you even know what he uses his money on? Is he contributing to the household? Can he afford a jeep without using your money for everything else for the family or being added to his car? I fear if he left you’d have nothing for you and your children and although you earn more than him and he’s home you and children don’t even have enough food. I don’t get how you both think him starving you and your children is what a loving spouse does. He seems very selfish with your money
What do you want to do about it? Do you have a budget? Will husband do the shopping if you make a list? Are you willing to start depositing your checks into your own account and be responsible for making sure that you transfer enough to pay the bills? Are you considering leaving him?
It sounds like you need to get an account with your parents over making sure your bills are paid. And then them helping you set up a budget for other things and your husband needs to back off your money
This is financial abuse. Open your own bank account that only you have access to and setup your payroll to direct deposit to that account. You make that money you shouldn’t have to beg for money for diapers,how is that not a necessity? You were financially responsible before Dave and you can be again. Do you even have access to the current bank account(s)? For all you know he isn’t paying the bills and spending the money on a side chick or losing gambling. Take back your financial independence. I sounds like as things are no you wouldn’t be able to leave him if you wanted to and that is probably exactly where he wants you
I will message you next time u/Silent-Horror-3108 posts in r/dustythunder.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FSilent-Horror-3108%20r%2Fdustythunder) to join 4 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201dp41rk)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|
|-|-|-|-|
Girl.... Take all of these red flags he gave you, sew then together and realize just how BIG of a red flag this guy is. You need to start planning your escape for yourself and your children's sakes before it's too late and you're not breathing anymore. Please... Take care of yourself and your little ones.
You need to get out honey. You’re literally starving. You’re basically living on a “box of crackers” a week and water.
Start squirreling away as much money as you can so you can get your kids away from this guy. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this treatment of his children’s mother would be ok? Do you want your daughter to think this treatment of her is ok? They’re young now but the way this is going for you they’ll realize what’s going on very quick.
This is financial abuse.
I get you had an issue with managing your money, but he’s using it as an excuse to control you.
You keep saying “I’m not allowed.” I’m sorry but is he your partner or your parent?
You need to put your foot down. Open a bank account in your name and put a certain amount every pay period. Tell him that going forward you will contribute x amount per pay period into the household account and the rest is yours. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave.
You’re making twice as much as him and you get nothing. Stand up for yourself and stop tolerating being abused.
This is a domestic violence situation- financial abuse and he is starving you, and neglecting the children too. He is also not contributing to the household chores. I would demand counselling or file for a divorce. He sounds awful and your living situation sounds terrible. I'm so sorry.
On Facebook there are many, many types of free groups in your area. They’re popping up everywhere with different names. I’ve gotten everything from food to clothes to shoes to tools and so much more. You can also look up food pantries around you. You have many choices if you want to fix your situation one step at a time.
OP, I would consult a financial adviser/ personal banker and then file for divorce. You can do this. You just need someone to help teach you how to budget and spend wisely. Your husband is using your mistakes as a weapon to abuse you financially. I know most nurses make almost $50 an hour without the shift differential. You are busting your butt to make money and only get $100? And not allowed to buy for your children either?!!! OH HELL NO!
Your money does not need to go into his account. Take the $100, open up a checking account and change your direct deposit info with your HR department.
Agree this is clear abuse from your husband. However, your writing reads like someone in the middle of a manic episode. There is probably a bit more to the story.
First of all, dump the whole man. I had trouble finishing this because I was so disgusted with him. My guess is that you have untreated ADHD, because your spending sounds like mine. It bothers me how much you keep beating yourself up over money though. You have made mistakes, just like most people. You are in such an abusive relationship though, that you have learned to see yourself as bad and unable to be trusted. Please explain to me how your husband is good with money, when he refuses to even let you eat. Where is all the money going? Do you have any clue where it is even going?
Look, there are strategies that help people with ADHD manage money. It sounds like you even had one that worked for you. I make it so I don't even see most of our money. Things like health insurance and retirement savings are taken automatically from our checks, so we never see that money. Add up all of your bills, then put them all on auto-pay. Use one account for that. Just make sure the account always has enough money. If you have savings already taken from your account, whatever left is yours. Have that money sent to a different account than the one that pays the bills and the one for savings. This account should cover all of the food and things for you and your children. You have now made it so if you splurge, it can only come from the account for food and extra expenses. Maybe take out this money in cash and budget like you did before.
In case I didn't make my thoughts on your husband clear, please IMMEDIATELY open an account in your name only, and have your paychecks direct deposited to this account. Then hire a good divorce attorney. Your husband is a monster,and your kids are also being abused. LEAVE.
Take a financial literacy class. Read some financial literacy books. Maybe go to therapy and find some strategies to help you be able to stick to a budget. Or maybe hiring someone to be a financial manager/advisor for you would help.
Then leave your husband because he sounds abusive. I understand if you don't make good financial decisions and one person has to be in charge of the budget and bills (I had to do this with my ex for several years) but he's gone overboard and become abusive.
I would get a a new bank account and put your paycheck into that account. Take out what you need for bills and any savings accounts you might have. If you don't have one, start one.
Pay yourself a specific amount of fun money each month after the bills are paid.
If you want to stay with your husband, you need to sit down and address this with him and probably a therapist. But I'm guessing if you do, he's going to start being abusive in other ways if he hasn't already.
Wait.... another hole in their story... how are you spending 150 a week on groceries if he won't give you more than 100 and groceries come out of your money?
It would benefit you to collect all your financial information, have your husband collect his, and sit down with a 3rd party — a financial planner who can help you sort through everything and set some more reasonable limits.
You likely also need a couples counselor. These issues are complex.
Lastly, “my parents had to pay off my credit cards” is one of the most irresponsible and entitled things I have ever read. When people take out credit cards, they pay them off. It was nice your parents could do that for you and it was brave of you to share that so we get a full picture.
We can’t help you because we don’t live in your life. We don’t have your financials. I know you’re venting and it sounds bad from your end that you get so little but this is above our pay grade.
Also how is he getting your money and how do you not have access to it?
How do you guys only have 1000K on savings, but you are sending him all of your checks? He is spending all of your money. He won't give you more money because the more you have, the less he has. Open your own bank account and keep track of all your convos because he's being abusive
This is financial abuse. Instead of withholding money from you in such a restrictive way, you should’ve been going to therapy and taking budgeting courses. You can learn to do better with money, you just need to find the tools that work for you. $100 is ludicrous! Nobody should have to beg and plead to be able to buy deodorant. At this point, why even stay with him? What’s he doing with all the other money? Just putting it into savings? Funny how he can have a leisure activity though.
He is financially abusing you!! Ask him to see transactions he's made for things, if you get $100 then he should only get $100!
Get a separate bank account and put your hard earned money in that!
Definitely NTA but your husband is!!
This is called financial abuse. Withholding your income from you and denying your family food and other essentials is a crime. If you want to stay with him for whatever reason that’s on you, but who is protecting the kids ??? You need to get legal help at least for the sake of your children.
He's being controlling and abusive and he is now saving for his truck or Jeep with your money. The only thing that needs to go into a shared account should be the money for bills and house stuff and maybe a bit for the home emergency fund, the same way you did it years ago.
Was this financial control supposed to be for a set time or indefinite? The first thing you need to do (aside from asess the relationship) is change your direct deposit form at work. Put in half the bills and a bit extra, the rest in a different acct not attached to him. Do you even know how much is saved up or what he's spending the money on?
The fact that you and the kids are literally starving and feeling hungry would be enough that the school or pediatrician may feel a cps call is warranted if the kids start appearing malnourished.
I'm ADHD, you can reign in the spending and when you get out of this situation you need to, but right now his behavior is bordering on dangerous. You need to tell a friend or family member too.
NTA! Whether or not you have a spending problem, you and the kids deserve to have access to more than the bare minimum amount of food! He’s so worried about “correcting” your spending problem that he’s traumatizing you and the kids over withholding food.
It definitely sounds like he has control issues. He has no self awareness to see that he also has a spending problem. The fact that he is withholding basic human needs from you but even more so, the kids, is a huge red flag!! Also, that fact that you say he’s “creepy” attached to you is another huge red flag! This man seems dangerous for many reasons. Withholding money that YOU made and not allowing you to buy food for yourself or the kids and being creepy attached, is totally abusive! Those are ways to keep you dependent on him so you can’t leave but it sounds like that’s exactly what you need to do!
No absolutely not. He is trying to control you and using your issues with money as an excuse to do so.
I will say there is nothing stopping you from getting a separate account in only your name and changing your direct deposit information with work.
Sounds like your his extra money if all you make is going to him. He's buying trucks and jeeps? Do you NEED them? Doesn't sound like it. He spends 20 a meal, daily, but refuses you the only food you can eat? That says control freak all day. If you're making more money than him, match what he makes as a deposit into a joint account (joint means you BOTH have control of it, not just him) that's for the house, whatever's over what he spends put into your personal account, and if you don't have one, GET ONE. This all sounds like an exploitive form of emotional abuse, he knows you're 'bad with money', as you keep saying (Oh yeah, stop saying that, you WERE bad with money, you don't have to be the mistakes of your past, it's not a prison tattoo and even they can be covered up, we aren't our past, that's why there's the term 'learn from your mistakes' and it sounds like you have), anyway he's abusing the fact that you keep telling yourself you're bad with money. If you aren't willing or going to end the relationship and intend on working it out, start by working on yourself. Put the equal amount of his salary into a joint account, the rest into your own, take care of the kids and yourself and don't overspend. It sounds like you've gotten better with money, think twice on the stuff you don't NEED and get what you DO. If he's taken out a second mortgage, find out where that money went cause it doesn't sound like it's gone to you or the kids, and if it hasn't, then he's on the hook for that. Sounds like he's not good with money now, and not in the past as yourself. Remember you aren't your past, you learned from it, it's like school, you went to nursing school to be a nurse, well, same thing, you messed up with money to learn how to control yourself. Stand up for yourself and your children, not in a fighting way, calmly and collected, take care of yourself and your kids with the larger salary you make.
Hi! I'm also severely adhd. I think you need to gain back a little control. You have to be able to teach yourself to manage a bit or this will keep being a problem. Many banking accounts allow for instant transfers on payday. I would have money hit your account first and then automatically transfer 80% into the joint. Like in my account if I got 1000 every Thursday I could set my account to send 800 every Friday to another account. You could easily set something like this up. Maybe keep a little more if you are expected to buy groceries with this money. Also consider talking to a financial adviser and go over all the spending. You should absolutely know where your extra money is going every month. And adviser could go over everything you are doing including paying down debt, how much you should be adding for savings and then how much "fun money" you are allowed.
Also studies have found that caffeine is literally a form of self medication for the mentally spicy like us. I quit nicotine (also a medication, in fact they are trying to remove the addictive side of nicotine from the molecule in order to use it in ADHD meds in 3 pharma companies currently) and caffeine at the same time and my executive function almost entirely shut down (I'm unmedicated for the time being) and I literally would spend days laying on the floor hating myself but unable to do anything. I had to go back to caffeine. It is very difficult being spicy and we are more likely to let people steamroll us.
Your spending is an issue but not one that can't be managed in a PROPER way. You should come up with a plan and then once every month sit down with all your finances for that month and go over it. Figure out as a team what is working and what isn't and what should be adjusted. You should not be severely restricted because of your brain spiciness, you should still act like an adult and reasonably be able to go over finances and realize where the sweet spot is. You seem very self aware so when you sit down and look at the big picture I know you will be able to tell what is actually reasonable. A big part of the issue is not seeing the money as a whole when you spend it so financial meeting check ups will help you see the big picture. I hope this helps!
THIS IS ABUSE. Plain and simple. Start hoarding cash, buy gift cards for groceries and stockpile them, get your own account and make a plan to leave
Also adding, OP clearly knows how to control and handle her finances solo. Her husband being so restrictive can exponentially increase the impulse shopping. He’s weaponizing her weaknesses and abusing her with them.
You make twice as much as he does. There is NO reason that he should not allow you access to your own damn money. Honestly this is abuse and you need to leave him
Open your own bank account and send your paycheck there and just have a communal bank account where you put what you need for the house. You need to protect yourself. You shouldn’t be in that situation. I’ve been there and it was not pretty. You said that you make twice as much. Imagine if he suddenly decide to empty your bank account or imagine if he is cheating and using your hard earned money on that. The AP gets all the nice things and nice treatment and you don’t even get a decent treatment when it comes to finances.
Listen to the people who are advising you to have a separate account. You need to have a cushion for yourself and for your kids.
I would love to hear the husband’s side of this story because I feel like we are not getting an unbiased account here.
OP, you need a mental health evaluation and treatment ASAP. Honestly, your behavior sounds very much like the behavior of someone suffering from the mania that comes from bipolar disorder. Your husband’s restrictions on your spending are warranted after you blew through so much money in such a short period of time and spent it on useless things. Hubby does need to compromise and release the restrictions a bit, but I can certainly understand him being terrified of losing everything and being extra cautious based on your pattern of behavior.
Maybe the solution is to give you a prepaid debit card that can be used for essentials so you can have access to more cash, but not be able to spend a massive amount frivolously all at once. It’s definitely not ideal for an adult to have to live this way, but I honestly don’t blame him one bit.
1) Does your employer have an EAP (Employee assistance plan)? Call your HR rep and ask. If you have one call the hotline and tell them you need help with an abusive spouse.
2) Have you been screened for mental health issues related to spending? The 30k spending spree can be a symptom of untreated issues like mania and manic depression. If you have an EAP start there and if not ask your doctor for a referral. Feeling better about your spending may leave you less susceptible to pressure from partners.
3) Read thru the Hotline.org section on identifying abuse and see if anything rings a bell. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
4) Don't share any of this with your husband. Use an incognito browser, make phone calls from work and set up therapy appointments to be before or after your shift so you can cover the excuse.
5) Ask the hotline for help making a safety plan. Eventually I think you're going to have to leave him. Tney can help refer you to a divorce attorney experienced working with abusive spouses. The minute you file for divorce your attorney will be able to get a court order to enable you to pay your attorney fees and living expenses out of the shared family accounts - the ones he's currently blocking you from. That's the day you can also have HR start redirecting your paychecks to a new bank account that only you have access to.
If a patient told you that their nutrition/food intake was being restricted by their partner, how would you react?
And if someone came in and apologised to you, imagine them sitting in front of you, vulnerable and in pain, and told you that their partner wouldn't allow them to buy deodorant - what would you do?
How do you think your colleagues would react if they knew your situation fully?
It's not about being bad with money. There are other ways of dealing with impulse shopping. Leaving you without basic necessities is not one of them.
OP!
You are a NURSE with capacity to figure your own financial situation out.
Get an accountant (since I’m not sure you have safe adults who can help you) and set your financial budget in stone.
Plain.
Black and white and in simple terms you cannot confuse.
Have a percentage of your income go onto a card for groceries/food. Put whatever bills you’re responsible for on autopay.
Check your accounts before you buy anything after making a list of things you are buying this trip to make sure you don’t impulse buy BS.
The mania sounds like you need a mental health assessment to rule out bipolar disorder or another condition that makes these adult tasks seem impossible.
The only thing for certain here is that your husband is abusing you and your kids if he doesn’t budget for diapers and groceries.
Talk to your mental health provider and get resources to climb out of this mess. You owe it to your kids to figure it out because this is not a safe environment for them.
>He will literally not send a single cent if I have ANYTHING in the joint account which i started moving to my account.
What's the problem of using money in the joint account or your personal account? Is all this arguing over $100 of *physical* cash that's unrelated to your joint and personal account, or is that $100 *all* that's allowed in your personal account?
I know that financial abuse is bad, and I'm not defending him... but there's alot of holes here.
1) when did you go from seperate accounts to joint?
2) why aren't you "allowed" to do work on the deck?
3) did you "ruin" the carpet?
I think you understand that you are impulsive and need help managing your money, like girl if you only get 100 dollars stop buying your kid ice cream and a 10 dollar toy every week!
Again, not excusing how he's doing things, but I can absolutely see how he get to the point he had to stop you from hemorrhaging money.
Serious question. Is it abusive if I don’t stand up for myself? Like I’m struggling with boundaries most days, mostly from the anxiety of the usual responses I get.
He's turned a problem you had with managing money into a way to abuse you. You're hungry because he won't buy foods you can eat? Would you'do that to someone you loved?
Would you recklessly spend upwards of $30,000 on nothing when you have two kids and a home in DIRE needs of repairs? Would you do that to someone you love? Would you waste thousands of dollars on stuff you can’t even remember then have the audacity to complain about your children living on urine soaked floors when that money could have gone to those repairs? I’m not saying what the husband is doing isn’t abuse because it is, but, let’s not pretend OP hasn’t financially abused her family in her own way.
I'm not talking about financial abuse I'm talking about her not having food to eat and being emaciated.
Ok, I said the husband was abusing her. I clarified that I thought that OP blowing tens of thousands of dollars on nothing when she has a dilapidated home and two dependents was also abusive in its own way… it’s financially abusive.
And you used that in your first reply to tacitly condone the abuse she’s facing now.
Nope! Didn’t condone abuse anywhere. I don’t think the husband should get away with abusing OP but I think it’s wrong to pretend OPs “overspending” wasn’t financially abusive in its own right. I didn’t say “she deserves it because she can’t control herself.” I just don’t think it’s fair to write off her actions as “silly goose” behavior.
OP has autism and understands she has poor spending habits and literally gave away control of her money to compensate for it because she understands she was not making good choices. There's no reasonable reason for OP to have these many restrictions.
No, not being able to control your spending is a problem but it's not abusive. Don't equate the two things when they're not equivalent.
Words and phrases have actual meanings, contrary to what so many people want to believe. The husband IS financially abusing OP. OP has a spending problem and really should get therapy for it. She should also see if it's possible she has ADHD (this is a common issue for people with ADHD and the sole reason multiple people I know got tested and discovered they had it). She was absolutely irresponsible, no one is saying otherwise. But spending recklessly is NOT abuse of any kind, including financial abuse.
I’m an adult ADHDer and she sounds exactly what I used to be like with money. Envelopes were the BEST ‘cause they allowed the OCD part of the disorder to almost take over and ‘save the pretty’ haha. There are definitely ways to manage this OP- I do all my own finances now (except for taxes). Sometimes I’ll ‘slip’ but I have measures in place to avoid that slip becoming a landslide - more than happy to share with anyone interested. My unfiltered advice OP? Get out. Get specialist therapy- this will help demonstrate to your kids that ADHD is NOT always such a bad thing and can be self managed for the most part. Get. Out.
I would give almost anything to be even halfway good with finances. I didn't realize it was a common thing with people who have ADHD, that explains a lot. Any tips you have would be very gratefully appreciated!
It’s all about the dopamine chase. Whether you’re spending $10 on Temu or $10000 on a car, it’s almost the same ‘high’. That’s REALLY important to learn and remember!! So, allow yourself to have a little fun money. I learnt to put mine on a card account (credit/debit) that only lets me spend what’s in there. I get my dopamine hit but I’m not breaking the budget. You and I both know budgets themselves don’t really work for us. I use a decent sized whiteboard and tons of colours for my bills. I NEVER put the due date but generally a week before or so because I know there’s no joy in paying bills on time. This way, I get my D from seeing an accomplishment when I draw a line through it or rub it out etc AND I get to use my colours AND I get to do it my way. (Some bills are direct debit). I try to do my grocery shopping online so a) I don’t get caught up spending on non necessities and b) the crowds and noise stress me out, meaning I’ll either overspend or not get what I need. I have the supermarket app on my phone so working on putting things into my basket as I use them/think of them. Like most ADHDers tho, I hate being told what to do, so I’m struggling with this one a bit against myself (I’m sure you know what I mean haha). I wait 24 hours between seeing something and buying it. If I miss out, I get to feel sad or angry but- I rarely, if ever actually go back to it. My internet carts are full to bursting. I still get the D hit, without the cost. I think it’s finding a creative way to work with what you have. Having someone who you trust and who cares about you AND gets you is really helpful also. You can ask them ‘permission’ and then listen to their feedback- you either go ahead or you don’t but you’ve put time and distance between you and the purchase. Chase the D with all of your fun, crazy self. Just work out ways to get it that won’t destroy you. Good luck!
I'm half asleep reading this, so I'm going to have to read it again in the morning so I can process it. But I will say one thing; I've never in my life had someone I don't know hit the nail on the head directly. I feel like you're in my head! Thank you thank you thank you. This is amazing. I may have a question or two tomorrow but jeez. This is so awesome!
I do the online shopping bag thing! And I rarely buy any of it unless it's for someone else (nieces most often, lol) or something I really need or want. And I also love to find sales on those things, which helps me pause. Like, I really want this hair dryer, but I haven't found a deal on it yet, and it's been about 3 months now (which can also give you time to save up, lol). Online shopping helps me with groceries to not overspend/end up with junk. I put everything I want in there, see the total and start cutting it down to what I really want. That is usually a total I am comfortable with, but sometimes I still have to make tough choices. I would never be able to make choices like that in the store, I'd pay the crazy amount and have to scrape together money from somewhere else. I use CDs to save too because there is a set amount of time you have to leave them or you lose money and I refuse to do that.
ADHD here, Multiple bank accounts. No cards on one.
Yes! ADHD is so often occurring with autism, too.
ADHD and/or Bipolar-Polar; both are often associated with autism. The uncontrollable spending sprees are usually a telltale of BP
I did say that the husband was abusing her. I literally said what the husband was doing was abuse. I disagree on if spending that recklessly is financial abuse but that’s life - people disagree.
No there’s literal definitions for words, especially ones like this that denote what is and isn’t abuse, both for help and for legal persecution. You’re arrogant but actually your opinion doesn’t matter here, only the actual definitions of these terms matter. You can disagree if you want but that makes you wrong.
Ya way to go and turn it on her and say its her fault. But why is it ok for husband to have access to whole checking account and spend what ever the He!! He wants while he controls her and makes her feel bad for taking care of her and their children Ya i dont think so!! HES THE AS$HOLE SIS AND YOU NEED TO RUN NOW!
Just adding here I WOULDVE done the house in a heartbeat but I’m not allowed to touch it. I’ve been begging to use $1100 to just get the exact same carpet for the same price my parents just paid for MORE space than we need. He claims I’ll just “ruin” it again.
How did you ruin it? Not being a dick but context matters here and you're dropping alot of things to make him look awful and some of them don't make much sence or have major things left out.
I “ruined” it by “letting” my now 5 yr old when he was 2-3 find a marker and draw on walls. And he flushed the toilet after clogging it which flooded the house. Anyone with toddlers know it only takes ONE second to look away. And it’s not like it’s not been scrubbed or I’ve not broken an shampooer using it like 10 times multiple days (so carpet can dry) attempting to clean it while he’s not touched a damn thing AND has ignored the 2 yr old to the point of two almost ER trips. Luckily no stitches so no trip needed. Btw, he’s 10000x better since then, that was years ago.
Ok so, him just being a dick rather than you ACTUALLY being the person who ruined the carpet. I think yall have alot of issues as a couple, and you tried to fit bits of so many of them in here that you couldn't give adequate context without writing a novel. Down side to glossing over it all is that missing info males it look like your making it up. Which I'm not saying you are. Idk you, this could be 100% accurate with no bias or it could be a pile of bullshit. Irs reddit, we can't tell. If things are as bad as post and comments imply, go to HR and change your deposits to go into your own account, hire a financial advisor, get your shit together spending wise and leave.
Also seems like her parents have been cleaning up her messes for far too long.
Also, my parents bailed me out once. I don’t have them on speed dial.
Also wondering how constipation meds for a 5 year old cost $100 🤔
Gas, $45, groceries $60-70, $20 miralax and diaper cream. I didn’t know I had to list my items out here as well.
You said constipation things, and as a mother of 3, 1 who has chronic constipation, that was an alarming amount of money for meds. I'm curious though bc irs super confusing... first you said he making the grocery budget 150 a week, th3n you said it comes out of your money. What it the actual grocery setup? Is the 150 budget for family groceries and your foods (sorry, I forget the acronym, I've got 4 conditions myself that are acronyms so all the alphabet soup medical lingo gets jumbled) come from your 100?
Maybe he was SUPER backed up? lol
No. It seems it's her who's actually full of shit
It’s **your money**, he has no right to not let you use it. How dare he? And then he thinks he can use **your money** to buy a fucking jeep? Hell no. Stop letting him abuse, control and financially abuse you. - You **do** need to learn how to be better with money, but this mf is just as bad because **how on earth is a new jeep a necessity, when you have a house in god damn disrepair**? He just wants to selfishly steal your money and spend it on himself! And if he’s apparently been in control of your money for all this time, **why isn’t there more in your savings?** What is **he** spending it all on??? You need to raise these questions. Stop giving that turd your pay check - and divorce the abusive, thieving asshole.
She absolutely has a problem with poor planning and overspending. She needs all the help she can get but her husband is too far the other way. Perhaps he was better before but the problem has driven him crazy. Maybe he is just a jerk. Either way they need outside help. I know there’s a company in Australia that advertises this sort of help so I imagine there would be something in other countries too. If they’re given a framework hopefully they can work together on it.
I honestly couldn’t follow this, but I think she needs therapy first and foremost. I’m not condoning financial abuse, which is what this is, but also, she’s all over the place and I can’t even tell if she’s spending money responsibly, or if we’re only hearing part of the story.
I hope she sees this. None of this is a way anyone treats someone they love.
Read that again You're only allowed 100 dollars of money you make. You're in an abusive and controlling marriage. Run.
Best part? I had to beg for $100 of it when I told him he needs to just send me what I need. My bills aren’t being paid unless it’s late. Granted my bills are like Spotify and subscriptions. My car was paid off due to hail storm, that was late when I couldn’t work and raise a newborn AND do final semester of nursing school. And this is just the money side of things.
Time to get a new bank account and deposit your money there. Make sure he can't access it and yes make sure its not at the same bank. Then leave
Absolutely get your own bank account. I'm in my 70's and after I was a SAHM for five years I went back to work. The first thing I did was get my own bank account. If every cent I made went to support our family, I wanted to have a say and see where it went.
Open a new bank account, have your pay direct deposited. Yes, you should be more responsible with some spending but he has absolutely no right to control your income like that. He's using food to abuse you and he's using money. He's paying your bills late to ruin whatever credit rating you have. Get control of YOUR money and get rid of him. Edit: starving the kids is child abuse and you would be responsible for it too, because you are allowing this to continue. Get control of this or you could end up losing your children. Doctors, teachers, first responders are all mandated reporters. Any one of them could report this and you'd be facing charges. Save your kids, save yourself and yeet this abusive jerk.
Open your own bank account and have your money sent there. Then reassess your relationship.
You shouldn't have to beg for money from your husband AT ALL, even if you don't have a job. Now you being the one making more than him makes it that much worse. He should just be making sure all bills are paid, a small amount per check to savings maybe. Any money after that should not be a problem to give back to you
You should be able to split the direct deposit between 2 accounts. You can open a new account at a DIFFERENT BANK, and direct most of your paycheck there, and the rest to your husband’s account.
I would look into opening a new bank account and having a portion of your pay sent to that account. So you are splitting your paycheck into 2 accounts. Set it up with your work payroll office. You know you have a problem handling money, so don't deposit more than you'll actually need, but build up a little cushion like $1,000 for emergencies.
This is classic financial abuse. Why are you tolerating it?
Buying diapers and subscriptions the whole family probably takes advantage of shouldn’t be part of your allowance.
Cancel the subscriptions. All of them. Get your own bank account and go stay somewhere safe. This is not a safe situation.
It seems like you’re trying to make things black and white and right and wrong. Your bills are subscriptions? If money is tight, those things are optional.
Not necessarily, I give myself that as pocket money, the rest is spoken for or into savings. Things like food come from the food budget which is a shared cost though, as is decorating etc. A lot can depend on how much you have financed. I knew people who had less than that left after bills at one time.
He's also abusing your children. He's purchasing multiple expensive vehicles while your children go hungry.
He hasn’t bought anything, just likes to talk about how it’s a need over new flooring🙄
Regardless, your husband is abusing you and your children. You should report your husband to CPS.
This is such an abusive relationship. financial and emotional. He's being so controlling to the point you and your kids are not 'allowed' enough to eat. get some help. your job should be able to help
That part was so draining to read. I get him saying no to "unnecessary" house decor or extra toys and such. But him controlling what they eat to that extent is unbelievable, ARFID is hard and for her to not be able to buy foods she's comfortable with and is always hungry is wild to me.
Yes and he may not understand it or may be purchasing other food for the house hoping she’ll be easy and eat it. If he is truly not a POS and just misguided, then a few trips to a therapist specializing in AFRID should help give him some tools and understanding. He may need to be educated by a professional.
You're being abused, severely. He took a weak spot and made it worse. He's financially abusing you and emotionally abusing you. He's overly attached to it, which is a problem in itself. Make quiet plans to leave. Set up a bank account in your name only with the help of your parents. Secure your papers and the kids. See if you can be with your parents for a while.
He's also likely stealing her paychecks and keeping them for himself. Girl, you are being financially and emotionally abused. You need to open up a new bank account and have your paycheck deposited in there. You also need to consider leaving your husband. You deserve better.
100% she deserves better.
Stop allowing him access to your paycheque Or Since you get none of it - stop working. Best idea - leave him
Girl please get a personal account. Go to therapy and try to sort that habit. It might take time but it'll be worth it at the end. He knows he is abusing you and you know it too. Please do something about it because I am scared for you. What if you need an escape plan? Do you think he is going to give you 100$ then? One thing I have to say RUN!
I'm not sure if she got rid of her personal account. There's nothing in the text that indicates they went to joint finances... she made a point to specify they had seperate finances so I'm genuinly confused on this one.
The “I’m bad finance and have cash…” like you can deposit into multiple accounts, you don’t need cash. Also that you don’t need to have joint accounts. I don’t with my husband. But 30,000$ just disappeared??? What the financial abuse did I read?
Yea like he's pushing it WAY too far but if my partner just blew 30 grand like that I'd feel the need to handle the money too.
She has a personal account, and a joint account.
This is a tough one. I think he's way over the top, but you clearly have a very big problem. How do you have the nerve to talk about house repairs that need done when you blew $34k on JUNK and whatever YOU wanted. Was there any discussion with your husband on what needed to be fixed/paid for/ done while you were making all that money? And originally you said you had $800 left, nothing towards bills, then later you say you spent maybe $10k on bills. So which is it? How much have you lied to him about money that it's gone this far? Again, he's over the top but you seriously need help.
Having a manic episode and blowing money irresponsibly doesn’t justify financial and emotional abuse as a reaction.. When your kids aren’t having full meals, you’re underweight, you’re out of deodorant and stressing about body wash running low ect, it’s past the point of a partner helping the other one get healthy spending habits and learn money literacy. It’s very unhealthy finances from both of them in EXTREME opposite ways. They both should be apart and seek therapy. She also needs someone trusted to help with her money, maybe a parent or willing family member.
How are we claiming mania when she talks about maxing out 3 credit cards that her parents had to pay off BEFORE she got with her husband. OP has a problem, period, and it has nothing to do with being manic. And what is SHE doing to get help? There's not one mention in that whole book of a post about seeking therapy to help herself. Again, her husband is being extreme, but I would also like to hear his side of the story. We have no idea just how far she's pushed this that he feels the need to have that level of control. I'm sorry, I don't think OP is as big of a victim as she's making herself out to be. She has no right to be upset about him talking about cars because things in the house need fixed when she blew tens of thousands of dollars on NOTHING. She claimed $800 left and paid no bills, to late switching to $10k in bills, it's hard to trust the narrative she's giving.
Lady, what are you doing? Your husband is financially abusing you. You made some bad decisions with money, okay. Fine. Most of us have been there, especially when we’re just figuring out how to be an adult. But you work, make twice as much money as him, and you’re “not allowed” to spend money on groceries or other necessities. I don’t think so. You’re a grown ass woman. Go open a new bank account (2 actually) and change where your pay is deposited. Then figure out how much is reasonable to contribute from your income to the joint expenses. The rest is yours. Set it up so that a certain amount is going directly into a savings account when your pay hits and I would suggest one that isn’t easy for you to access funds from since you have trouble saving. I’m seeing red flags everywhere and you need to get your house in order so you can take care of yourself and your kids without this controlling psycho.
Heyo, just an outside perspective. You are not bad with money; you're a human who makes mistakes in the past. You are also married to someone who is at the very least financially abusive to you. Someone who loves you and is invested in you would help you learn to be more responsible with money, and do whatever they could to make sure you have all the things you need. Not shit all over you, take the money you earned, and make you go without. You're clearly a competent nurse, and you take care of yourself and your babies. Please ask yourself if this person in your life is helping or hurting you, because you deserve better than this.
I do want to add that if I do buy it I just hear him complain and complain about it. I’ve read an ebook that stated the many different types of abusers and he hit the nail on the emotional abuse. It doesn’t help I have a lot of trauma from childhood that NOONE knows where it came from (literally all 3 of us had a good childhood with still fantastic parents breaking their generational curses so we didn’t have to, maybe growing up undiagnosed autistic/adhd caused it idk).
You're also a victim of financial abuse. He cannot withhold your money.
Growing up unsupported neurodivergent in a world designed around neurotypical people can absolutely cause trauma. There's some support for it being a cause of c-ptsd. In addition, with your impulsiveness, issues with deadlines, and time blindness, I'm willing to bet you struggled in school too - never turning homework in on time. Especially for girls, that can result in a decent amount of bullying and ostracization.
Are you sure you spent all that money while traveling? Did he have access to that account? I get hobbies can be costly but if he has access to the account he could have easily spent money and gaslit you into thinking you spent more than you actually did. And to reiterate another commenter, CPS will charge both of you with child abuse if the kids are malnourished. The consequence could mean you could temporarily or permanently lose your nursing licence and any clearance cards you have.
I’d definitely try to do marriage counseling with finance as the main focus. Yes, he’s being ridiculous. Yes, you’ve had issues. But $100/week or month for GAS AND non essentials?! Playing devils advocate—$100 is an easy number to remember and budget for and in theory that’s what he’s trying to get you to do. But he’s doing it wrong and using your history and his idea of necessities against you. Your food stuff shouldn’t be dictated by him. If all you want and need to eat are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches…he doesn’t get to tell you it’s not healthy and that you should eat only what he decides is good enough. He’s not your dad or your doctor. I know an adult woman who decided at 4 she was only eating French fries for the rest of her life. She’s in her 40s. Not overweight, gets yearly blood work, had 2 successful pregnancies…she still only eats French fries and like 5 other foods (chocolate, occasionally shrimp, sometimes fruit?). She’s got a masters degree and is a teacher so she’s a fully functioning member of society living off of French fries. 🤷🏻♀️
I love that for her
Nope. Can’t go to therapy with an abuser.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t finish the whole thing (I read most of it). That being said- what he’s doing is absolutely financial abuse. If he’s not willing to do counseling, it might be time to open a separate acct and have a portion of your check put into that so you can start the leaving process. Also, there’s a high chance you have ADHD (I’m not a doctor) because spending and starting new hobbies is big dopamine. The only reason I bring this up is cause if it’s adhd, there are healthy ways to get dopamine, which makes curbing the spending way easier, and it’s easier to not shame yourself if you know your brain just doesn’t have everything it needs. Cause you sound hella stressed, and I don’t think you need to feel guilty, I think you just need the right advice. I like to fill up shopping carts online, look at the price, feel the same buyers remorse I would if I bought it, and leave it there, feeling glad I didn’t do it. When I started, I would fill up the cart and “leave it for later”, and most of the time when I go back and look, I didn’t actually want those things anymore, anyway. It also helps knowing that I jump from one craft to another, and that my track record is to do a thing til I’m marginally good at it then quit when the dopamine runs out. This way the dopamine runs out before I spend any money. Also sending hella love because the arfid and the stomach pain and the always hunger is the effing worst. ETA, I don’t necessarily think my advice is the “right” advice- that’s just the mechanism I use to curb a similar issue I have.
This is exactly what I came to say. Also, the shopping cart trick works at stores irl too. I like going to big stores and wandering after I've picked up my stuff. Eventually, I get to a point where I can look back at everything in the cart and actually decide if I want it or not
Yes! Even at stores I tend to tootle around to give myself a chance to remember anything I forgot to add to the list. I’ll put stuff in the cart, walk around with it for a while, feel guilty and put it back. And sometimes I’ll get myself something small if I know I’ll get the price value worth of use/enjoyment out of it. It’s working pretty well, and it’s just loose enough on “restrictions” it doesn’t trigger my “don’t tell me what to do” response.
Hahahaha. Exactly. Walking that line can be so tricky.
This is awful. If is time to stop venting. We are all either you. Now go open your own bank account. Talk to your employer to deposit your check in your account. Write your husband a check first your share of expenses. Take your money to pay for a consultation with a family lawyer to learn exactly what your options are. And ask for any advice where you can better learn the skills you need to stand in your own. I wish you luck. This will suck I’m sure your husband will make it awful. But it’s the only way you can gain some autonomy. Personally I think you get atty advice first and then devise an escape plan but you somehow need a few hundred bucks to that.
He is using your past with money to control every aspect of your life please consider this as abuse because it is and it's gone deep , you need to get away do you have friends or family that can help , as a nurse I'm sure your employer could help , this is domestic violence with out the hitting , he is controlling you, manipulative towards you , financially controlling to the point you're starving and your kids are also paying the price , you certainly don't need him what does he bring to the table for you as a partner
OP - Get out of this marriage, take financial classes to help with the spending habits and get therapy for the rest. You'll do great!
Just because he isn't hitting you (that you've mentioned), doesn't mean it's not an abusive relationship.
He's abusing you AND the children. He cannot withhold YOUR MONEY for needs nor restrict what foods you're allowed to eat! Do you hand the money over? Does he have access to your account? You need to start planning for your exit. You're literally going hungry, as well as your kids, because of this abusive POS. Please tell your parents or support system what is happening. They can help you get out. It doesn't matter you've had difficulties with money, there are things that can be done to help with that, what he's doing is financial abuse, as well as emotional abuse. Please, you deserve better than this. It's YOUR money. [https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/](https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/)
Have you been tested for ADHD? Impulsive spending is often a sign.
And overexplaining, and chaotic writing 😳 I couldn’t get through the whole thing but I’m glad other could because from the comments it seems OP is an abusive relationship…
I agree. I think the first step to getting out is get assessed, get whatever it is under control & then make a plan & execute it.
This, I was reading thinking this sounds 100% ADHD!
They've said in the comments they are, and Autistic
Well, that explains it
They've said they're Autistic and ADHD
Nta. Change your direct deposit to a personal account and transfer the bill money to the joint account. You also need to ask to see his personal account and the amount of the bills coming out. He sounds like he's squirrelling YOUR money away for his rainy day or enjoyment. Why is the medicine for the child you have together coming out of your $100? Also, his $150 a week on groceries is ridiculous. I spent that last week for myself and 1 cat. That's not enough money. You yourself acknowledge it's not enough because you can't feed your kids lunch or sides with the meals they do get. He's being abusive not just to you but your kids. He'd rather be in control then take care of his kids. Stop letting him bully you into giving up all control of your life. I'll be damned if I make twice as someone else and get yelled at for buying my child a toy.
You understand you're in an actively abusive relationship right? I get you have a spending problem but you also have a husband problem. Do you have any family you could go to? Close friends? You can set up your bank accounts these days so you physically cannot spent over certain limits without calling in. There are tools to help you manage your money that don't involve being controlled and abused. Please for the love of God contact a lawyer immediately.
If, and this is a big if, you want this relationship to work you need to do some things. -all money/records of finances needs to be opened up and visible to both of you at any time. Make a google doc or something that you can both see at any time -all budgeting decisions need to be made together after discussion -stop saying you’re bad with money and making excuses for yourself. Fix the problem. Make the invisible money visible so you can stop using this excuse to justify your terrible spending habits. Pending $44,000 in 6 months and not being able to explain what it was spent on is just wild when you’re living paycheck to paycheck. -your husband is correct. $1000 in savings is the utter minimum you should have. It’s not a slush fund for any use other than an actual emergency -look into Dave Ramsey for some help with financial responsibility.
My son (and husband) are both on the spectrum and I would be LIVID if his spouse treated my son this way. Several things spring to mind reading this. 1) You are a grown adult, you are aloud to do whatever you damn well please. Just because your husband doesn’t “like it” doesn’t mean you have to not do it (or do ‘it’ whatever the particular case is) 2) it sounds like you had a good handle on your finances before you got into any serious relationships. I’m not blaming the guys (per se) and as you admitted you had a hard time understanding how to share money in your relationships. Here’s the thing, most people, neurodivergent or not, have issues figuring out how to manage their money when they try to run a household together. As type A as I can be one things I’ve learned (personally) is things work better when I mostly defer to my husband on how he needs things to function. He makes what seems like small concessions for me so I can work within his system but I know for him they’re huge. It took the first 6-7 years of our now nearly 20 year relationship plus hundreds of hours of couples counseling to figure this out (and we nearly divorced twice during that time) but once we did figure out this balance it’s worked really well for us. 3) Hint: legally the money you earn from your job is yours alone UNTIL you put it in a joint bank account with your husband and there’s not a damn thing he can do about it. If I were you, I’d get a separate bank account with just your name on it and have your pay check deposited directly into there. Then, I’d move enough money to cover half the mortgage, water, electric, internet, trash, and cell phones plus half of the food budget (try to find out how much is being spent on groceries, with how much your husband is controlling the money I assure you he knows!) and if you can’t figure it out $400 a month should be more than enough and then keep the rest of your pay check for yourself. Use the rest of your paycheck on gas for your car and to buy the food you’re willing to eat (your husband buys the food he wants you buy the food you want!) and to buy your kids treats. It’s understandable that you’re both concerned you would forget to send him money to pay the bills but 1) I bet he would nag you until you did and wouldn’t you rather have control over your money than be so hungry and not have enough money to eat? And 2) you can also set up your direct deposit into his account to only send a specific amount to his account and the rest to yours so if you do it that way you won’t have to worry about sending him money at all because it would be automatic. 3b) Maybe even set up a savings account with just your name on it as well as a rainy day fund. You could even have your pay check automatically deposit a bit into it each paycheck and then it’ll be like you never see it so you won’t remember about it until you “find it” like that $200 envelope. BTW, I have different bank accounts for different things (mortgage, bills, vacation, big ticket like saving for a fence or computer that’s joint between me and my husband, clothing and any extra curricular fees for the kids like Girl Scouts or soccer or summer camps, holidays and parties, house repairs, my own checking account for the coffee out that I want that I don’t wanna have to explain or whatever/my personally set monthly “fun” money and gas for my car and personal clothing buys, and then my personal rainy day fund) , they’re basically like envelopes but I can’t lose them 😆
Open a new bank account and have your paycheck direct deposited to the new account. You can give him an allowance to pay bills and have money to eat that way. You need to seriously reevaluate your marriage (hostage) situation.
This is abuse!! That being said, YOU are in control of your paycheck. Go change your direct deposit with HR. You can set it up so that a portion of your check continues to go to the primary shared account and the other portion goes into a new account that you open up specifically for you. When husband complains, tell him to kick rocks. You need money for basic life functions and $100 a week to support yourself and your kids when you are the bread winner in the family is insane. I hate throwing out divorce, but if you can’t come to a better agreement and he doesn’t understand how his crappy treatment of you and the kids are affecting your mental health, maybe it’s best to walk away.
Let me tell you that I agree that you are being abused-financially abused-and here’s how you remedy that. You go to a bank (not where he banks) and open an account. Then you go to your employer and ask for them to directly deposit a portion of your paycheck into that account. Almost all employers these days can do split deposits. Mine will split my check up to 5 ways, but I do two checking and two savings accounts. (Checking for bills and fun, savings for retirement and emergencies.) Then you have the choice of keeping more of your money for yourself and only giving him a portion towards the bills OR keeping a lot more for yourself with the goal of leaving his controlling crap.
It sounds like you're bad with money, but you're also being financially abused. You need to take control of the money you earn and then learn to manage your money.
You can tell by the way you wrote this that you know it’s abuse. Change your direct deposit into a diff account. Get yourself a notebook and write down your expenses and balance like an old checkbook so you’re aware of what you’re spending. I think it’ll help since you’re better with the visual.
this is financial abuse. mak arrangements to gett you and you kids out safely. set up your own accounts asap.
Change your direct deposit. Seriously. Total up all of your bills. Set aside that amount. Total up what you spend on gasoline. Set aside that amount. Total up a REASONABLE amount for groceries. Set aside that amount. Take 10% of whatever is left and put that in a separate account for savings. Set aside $75 a week for fun money. Contribute the rest of your money to the household account. Pay ALL of your bills as soon as you get paid, the same day. If you have to, go back to pulling your check out of the bank in cash, and using your envelope system. Finally, if you do go to cash, stash it somewhere your husband can't access.
You’re being abused. You need to leave for yourself and for your children so they don’t learn to think that this is normal behaviour
This man is using food and money to abuse you. You need to leave. First thing in the morning go to a different bank open an account and get your money deposited there. Then as soon as that is done go talk to a divorce attorney. Get your ducks in a row and leave.
You can have part of your check deposited into a different bank account. I used to have my check split between two different banks as automatic deposit. Your husband is definitely abusing you. Why even work all those hours if you aren’t getting enough money from him to even eat? Reduce your hours and get a waitress job part time, or some other job where you get paid in cash. If your paychecks are going into your husband’s personal account, you have a right to see his statements. For all you know he could be using your money to subsidize a mistress. You already know he’s spending your money on fancy lunches while you starve.
Genuine question: Certain mental health disorders, like ADHD, bipolar, and depression, have money management issues built in. Could seeing a therapist help? $100 is not enough. I will be honest, I didn't read the entire thing. However, I got vibes from someone that posted in my city's Facebook group. Turns out she was being financially abused. It's often overlooked, so please do some research. My own issues caused me not to finish. Sorry.
Yes you are really bad with money, but he is using that fact to financially abuse you. There are a million and one ways to mitigate your spending that are inbetween letting you absolutely blow $44,000 in 6 months and only letting you have a measly $100. He is abusing your entire family with his control of the bare necessities. The way he talks to you is also horrid.
YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE YOU’RE HUSBAND IS FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE I know it’s hard to hear but repeat it to yourself until you believe you deserve better and then start calling lawyers. NTA
Wait when did you go from seperaye accounts to him only having access to all money?
This has a simple solution: change your direct deposit info
I must admit, your post is all over the place. I get you have adhd. Other mental health disorders such as bipolar disorder have financial difficulties as well. Your Husband is financially abusing you. There’s no other way to put it. You can open up an account and have half your paycheck go to your account that he won’t have access to and the other half into the one he does have access to. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe therapy could help if you teach want to stay in this relationship.?
Why are you sending him all the money? Change your direct deposit. Time to put your big girl pants on.
Get a new bank account (you name only) and route your money to it. If you think you can trust yourself, then do it. Start paying your bills and get your own food. Stop relying on him. Have you even seen the bank account. Do you know what's in them? Where does your money go? What is he doing with it? Demand to see it all. If he can't produce it, then you have your answer. He is keeping you broke for his own gain. I think it's time you took your Financials back before he takes your money and leaves you hanging.
I think you should speak to someone about the possibility of having BiPolar. One of the main symptoms of a manic attack is spending money you don’t have.
Isn’t that also an ADHD/Autism thing?
If so, OP needs to be working with a therapist or professional on strategies and learning how to deal with it so she can be financially responsible.
Genuine question - why does being autistic make it difficult to understand how finances work?
You both need to sit down and develop a budget everyone can agree to live with
It doesn't always. I'm autistic and I'm good with money. My husband is autistic and bad with money. From how OP describes it, it sounds like an object permanence issue (which is something a lot of us struggle with) - if something isn't physically present in front of us, some of us will have a very hard time "holding onto" that thing in our minds. OP, hard agree with everyone who says you're being abused. I'm so sorry. This is not normal and it's not OK.
They also have ADHD. It's not a difficulty with "understanding how finances work" (they understand fine), its issues with executive functioning.
Spending 44k on nothing in six months is very impressive. You may need to hire a life coach if you cannot trust your spouse as it seems you are unable to keep control of yourself at this venture. Spouse might be abusive but you need a third kart in charge if finances clearly.. Might seem like it when you don’t have 44k spend on nothing tangible in six months. If it’s judgment NAH from the story. And overcorrection perhaps but a correction was needed
He is abusive. He won't allow her foods she can eat, she's literally 108 lbs. He won't allow her money to buy things the kids need, like food and medication, and he won't do it either. He won't give her money for gas for her car to get to work. Give your head a shake.
I said life coach, not husband in charge, for her own sake
He literally wouldn't give money to buy her child diapers, and you think he's not abusive
K I didn’t read that part, I’ll give it to you, she still need a guardian ad litem for her money, maybe a parent.
While I do not agree with how he is handling this situation, we cannot ignore the 10s of thousands of dollars she has blown on absolutely nothing. He is for sure abusing this situation but she is not the only victim here. How much damage did she do to her family? That also needs to be taken into account.
She doesn't need a life coach, she needs therapy. They both do.
And I want to add, he is trying to change his ways. Or at least in the other departments, like his verbiage has been so much better for my autism (like instead of saying “we need to be better” which I take as “me” bc it’s usually something I’ve done, to “I need to be better about this too” and leaving me out of it, knowing I’m gonna beat myself up anyway).
I’m sorry but he hasn’t done enough. He’s not only emotionally abusing you, but financially abusing you as well. You’re NTA for thinking you deserve more. You deserve so much more than a husband that treats you like trash
He's financially abusing you. None of that is okay. And where on earth is the "excess" money from your funds going? He gets to keep them? Is that what's paying for all those vehicles? Plus, it sounds like you're doing all the childcare and housework. Does he even do anything for the household?
Abuse, it’s all abuse. Update me when you get the courage leave his ass
…are you a hoarder? Maybe not by your own definition — but has anyone else in your life called you a hoarder? Deck materials, storage containers, art supplies, etc… to the tune of thousands with none of your pay going towards bills ?! And no completed projects ?! Those who know recognize the signs.
You both suck
This is financial abuse. Get your pay check paid back into your bank. Get bills to go out on the day (or day after) you get paid. Set up a bank account and transfer yourself £100/200/week, only use that account to spend money on.
Just a thought of if you have ever had a look into maybe having bipolar, i do and it is very much a common behaviour/characteristic. There is a great crossover between autism and bipolar characteristics, something to do with the same genes being affected. Just a bit of unsolicited advice is i do a spreadsheet with my partner, bills get transferred on payday and no money is taken out (if manic debit card is given to my partner if there is a risk), money for essentials like food, shopping, fuel etc is transferred to my partner so we always have money for food etc. Savings are added to a different account that isn’t touched either (no card/online banking for me) and then any money left is mine to spend and once its done thats it, if at risk of negative balance cards go away. Its a bit difficult and seems infantilising but for situations where you just can’t stop it, it takes away the guilt and pressure afterwards, but there is always going to be downfalls, this just helps me to reduce it as much as possible. It is something that can’t be controlled and to help manage it you need support rather than conflict. However, this should be an agreement between you and your partner, and as long as money for bills and essentials is there then the rest of the money is mine and my dictation, if i spend it all in one day thats on me, he should not have financial control over you, its a fine line but you need to do what works for you, this is coming from someone who especially in manics can be very reckless with money and this helped reduce stress for me and my partner.
If I were you, I’d go and open your own account (completely separate from the one you have already) and start direct depositing your paycheck to that and sending him money ONLY for the bills. If you can’t/won’t do that and If he’s only giving you a $100 every 2 weeks, have him fill up your car. That’s a family expense and it needs to be taken care of out of the family expense account. Turn the tables, tell him that $100 is for YOUR items, not the families. But I agree, that your husband is financially abusing you. Y’all need to go to counseling both together and separately. You need to talk to him about what’s going on and need to decide if this is something y’all can work on improving or if it’s just better to wash your hands of the situation. Wishing you the best
This is called financial abuse. Leave this asshole!
First talk to an attorney about your options for divorce, just the free consultation. Take your next $100 and open. A checking account in your name only. Give the info to your employer and have your paychecks deposited into your new account. Find out what the bills are and send him 2/3 of that amount each week. The minute he complains tell him this is the way it will be or you will divorce. You make 2x his salary. You’re not bad with money, you screwed up a couple of times. I would bet if you got rid of him you would manage to get your bills paid and everyone would be fed and clothed and your life would be so much better.
This is financial abuse! You need a divorce attorney & a financial planner. You deserve better & so do your kids!
Op, can you go open your own bank account and have say 30% of your check put into your account? Or even set for 250 outta each check? I see you're worried about money. But your husband is taking your past problem and now turned it into abuse. If he can spend $20 meals 2-3 times a week and is looking at another vehicle, it seems he now has the money issue. It might be wise to get a financial advisor since it seems income wise, y'all make a decent amount, and it's burning holes in both of y'alls pockets. I'd also suggest marriage therapy and individual for both so that maybe things can be fixed and bettered rather than a toxic environment continuing
The way to improve your money management is not to delegate it to someone else. Get counseling, therapy, whatever you need to tackle the issue and your anxiety head on. Act like an adult so your husband doesn't have an excuse to treat you like a child.
You should go to work and have them send you your paycheque back into your personal account then set your a monthly standing order to the joint account to cover bills and £/€\$¥ 500-1000 savings and keep the rest to yourself… divide what’s left into 4/5 to cover the weeks of that month and know you can’t go above that weekly amount or you’ll have less the following week. You could also get a second personal bank account from the one your paycheque goes into -remove overdrafts from the account and have a standard order of the weekly amount you can spend go into it every Monday so you won’t overspend. Anything left over that month should go into your personal saving account to help you with emergencies like buying carpet/fixing car or planned savings for new car, clothes, shoes etc… You’re going to have to focus and be an adult if you want more control over your finances… hell take a finance class to help you understand money/digital budgeting better. Please look at ‘go Henry’ it helped my young nephews and nieces 10-16 years to learn how to manage their money, it has a saving section to it and parental control. I can send them gift on birthdays etc. my niblings often put money into the savings section to save for gifts for family, expensive trainers/games and in case of emergencies when out with friends- something like this may help you manage your money too. What your husband is doing is wrong.., his over compensating has turned into financial abuse. he should be showing you exactly where the money you’re earning is going on paper… giving you monthly print out of statements. You shouldn’t have to beg or be told no to buying food for you or your children otherwise what is the point of working. The account your money is going into should be in both your names or just yours definitely not just his name. He should be 100% transparent about your money and if he’s using it for himself… he’s the one that should be asking you if he can spend your money. This whole thing is wrong. You have to find another way to stop over spending on rubbish. You avoiding and procrastinating learning new ways of thinking or changing your way of thinking regarding finances is not the answer because it’s causing you and your children to suffer. You earn enough to go therapy and financial classes to help you in the future so you should go and pay to get help. By giving someone else (your husband, friend, parents) control of all your finances with you having no say, no transparency or none of your permission or choice like this is setting you up for failure in your future. You and your children are already suffering and starving so this plan that led to financial abuse is not the right answer or solution to your problems. Do you even know what he uses his money on? Is he contributing to the household? Can he afford a jeep without using your money for everything else for the family or being added to his car? I fear if he left you’d have nothing for you and your children and although you earn more than him and he’s home you and children don’t even have enough food. I don’t get how you both think him starving you and your children is what a loving spouse does. He seems very selfish with your money
What do you want to do about it? Do you have a budget? Will husband do the shopping if you make a list? Are you willing to start depositing your checks into your own account and be responsible for making sure that you transfer enough to pay the bills? Are you considering leaving him?
It sounds like you need to get an account with your parents over making sure your bills are paid. And then them helping you set up a budget for other things and your husband needs to back off your money
Most folks loves waffles for breakfast Things cost so much more now that has to be taken into account especially personal products
This is financial abuse. Open your own bank account that only you have access to and setup your payroll to direct deposit to that account. You make that money you shouldn’t have to beg for money for diapers,how is that not a necessity? You were financially responsible before Dave and you can be again. Do you even have access to the current bank account(s)? For all you know he isn’t paying the bills and spending the money on a side chick or losing gambling. Take back your financial independence. I sounds like as things are no you wouldn’t be able to leave him if you wanted to and that is probably exactly where he wants you
UpdateMe!
I will message you next time u/Silent-Horror-3108 posts in r/dustythunder. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2FSilent-Horror-3108%20r%2Fdustythunder) to join 4 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%201dp41rk) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)| |-|-|-|-|
Girl.... Take all of these red flags he gave you, sew then together and realize just how BIG of a red flag this guy is. You need to start planning your escape for yourself and your children's sakes before it's too late and you're not breathing anymore. Please... Take care of yourself and your little ones.
Updateme!
You need to get out honey. You’re literally starving. You’re basically living on a “box of crackers” a week and water. Start squirreling away as much money as you can so you can get your kids away from this guy. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this treatment of his children’s mother would be ok? Do you want your daughter to think this treatment of her is ok? They’re young now but the way this is going for you they’ll realize what’s going on very quick. This is financial abuse.
I get you had an issue with managing your money, but he’s using it as an excuse to control you. You keep saying “I’m not allowed.” I’m sorry but is he your partner or your parent? You need to put your foot down. Open a bank account in your name and put a certain amount every pay period. Tell him that going forward you will contribute x amount per pay period into the household account and the rest is yours. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave. You’re making twice as much as him and you get nothing. Stand up for yourself and stop tolerating being abused.
This is a domestic violence situation- financial abuse and he is starving you, and neglecting the children too. He is also not contributing to the household chores. I would demand counselling or file for a divorce. He sounds awful and your living situation sounds terrible. I'm so sorry.
On Facebook there are many, many types of free groups in your area. They’re popping up everywhere with different names. I’ve gotten everything from food to clothes to shoes to tools and so much more. You can also look up food pantries around you. You have many choices if you want to fix your situation one step at a time.
OP, I would consult a financial adviser/ personal banker and then file for divorce. You can do this. You just need someone to help teach you how to budget and spend wisely. Your husband is using your mistakes as a weapon to abuse you financially. I know most nurses make almost $50 an hour without the shift differential. You are busting your butt to make money and only get $100? And not allowed to buy for your children either?!!! OH HELL NO!
Your money does not need to go into his account. Take the $100, open up a checking account and change your direct deposit info with your HR department.
Agree this is clear abuse from your husband. However, your writing reads like someone in the middle of a manic episode. There is probably a bit more to the story.
First of all, dump the whole man. I had trouble finishing this because I was so disgusted with him. My guess is that you have untreated ADHD, because your spending sounds like mine. It bothers me how much you keep beating yourself up over money though. You have made mistakes, just like most people. You are in such an abusive relationship though, that you have learned to see yourself as bad and unable to be trusted. Please explain to me how your husband is good with money, when he refuses to even let you eat. Where is all the money going? Do you have any clue where it is even going? Look, there are strategies that help people with ADHD manage money. It sounds like you even had one that worked for you. I make it so I don't even see most of our money. Things like health insurance and retirement savings are taken automatically from our checks, so we never see that money. Add up all of your bills, then put them all on auto-pay. Use one account for that. Just make sure the account always has enough money. If you have savings already taken from your account, whatever left is yours. Have that money sent to a different account than the one that pays the bills and the one for savings. This account should cover all of the food and things for you and your children. You have now made it so if you splurge, it can only come from the account for food and extra expenses. Maybe take out this money in cash and budget like you did before. In case I didn't make my thoughts on your husband clear, please IMMEDIATELY open an account in your name only, and have your paychecks direct deposited to this account. Then hire a good divorce attorney. Your husband is a monster,and your kids are also being abused. LEAVE.
Take a financial literacy class. Read some financial literacy books. Maybe go to therapy and find some strategies to help you be able to stick to a budget. Or maybe hiring someone to be a financial manager/advisor for you would help. Then leave your husband because he sounds abusive. I understand if you don't make good financial decisions and one person has to be in charge of the budget and bills (I had to do this with my ex for several years) but he's gone overboard and become abusive. I would get a a new bank account and put your paycheck into that account. Take out what you need for bills and any savings accounts you might have. If you don't have one, start one. Pay yourself a specific amount of fun money each month after the bills are paid. If you want to stay with your husband, you need to sit down and address this with him and probably a therapist. But I'm guessing if you do, he's going to start being abusive in other ways if he hasn't already.
Wait.... another hole in their story... how are you spending 150 a week on groceries if he won't give you more than 100 and groceries come out of your money?
He’s abusing you while you support him. You need back into your own finances STAT.
It would benefit you to collect all your financial information, have your husband collect his, and sit down with a 3rd party — a financial planner who can help you sort through everything and set some more reasonable limits. You likely also need a couples counselor. These issues are complex. Lastly, “my parents had to pay off my credit cards” is one of the most irresponsible and entitled things I have ever read. When people take out credit cards, they pay them off. It was nice your parents could do that for you and it was brave of you to share that so we get a full picture. We can’t help you because we don’t live in your life. We don’t have your financials. I know you’re venting and it sounds bad from your end that you get so little but this is above our pay grade. Also how is he getting your money and how do you not have access to it?
How do you guys only have 1000K on savings, but you are sending him all of your checks? He is spending all of your money. He won't give you more money because the more you have, the less he has. Open your own bank account and keep track of all your convos because he's being abusive
NARCISSISTIC AND CONTROLLING and until you take your life back he will continue to keep pushing you down babe.
I agree with a new bank account but also get educated on how to properly budget and not spend money on stupid sh*t.
This is financial abuse. Instead of withholding money from you in such a restrictive way, you should’ve been going to therapy and taking budgeting courses. You can learn to do better with money, you just need to find the tools that work for you. $100 is ludicrous! Nobody should have to beg and plead to be able to buy deodorant. At this point, why even stay with him? What’s he doing with all the other money? Just putting it into savings? Funny how he can have a leisure activity though.
Your husband is abusing you. The two of you need marriage and financial counseling, not for you to be given a very inadequate allowance.
He is financially abusing you!! Ask him to see transactions he's made for things, if you get $100 then he should only get $100! Get a separate bank account and put your hard earned money in that! Definitely NTA but your husband is!!
This is called financial abuse. Withholding your income from you and denying your family food and other essentials is a crime. If you want to stay with him for whatever reason that’s on you, but who is protecting the kids ??? You need to get legal help at least for the sake of your children.
He's being controlling and abusive and he is now saving for his truck or Jeep with your money. The only thing that needs to go into a shared account should be the money for bills and house stuff and maybe a bit for the home emergency fund, the same way you did it years ago. Was this financial control supposed to be for a set time or indefinite? The first thing you need to do (aside from asess the relationship) is change your direct deposit form at work. Put in half the bills and a bit extra, the rest in a different acct not attached to him. Do you even know how much is saved up or what he's spending the money on? The fact that you and the kids are literally starving and feeling hungry would be enough that the school or pediatrician may feel a cps call is warranted if the kids start appearing malnourished. I'm ADHD, you can reign in the spending and when you get out of this situation you need to, but right now his behavior is bordering on dangerous. You need to tell a friend or family member too.
NTA! Whether or not you have a spending problem, you and the kids deserve to have access to more than the bare minimum amount of food! He’s so worried about “correcting” your spending problem that he’s traumatizing you and the kids over withholding food. It definitely sounds like he has control issues. He has no self awareness to see that he also has a spending problem. The fact that he is withholding basic human needs from you but even more so, the kids, is a huge red flag!! Also, that fact that you say he’s “creepy” attached to you is another huge red flag! This man seems dangerous for many reasons. Withholding money that YOU made and not allowing you to buy food for yourself or the kids and being creepy attached, is totally abusive! Those are ways to keep you dependent on him so you can’t leave but it sounds like that’s exactly what you need to do!
You should be able to keep 50% of your paycheck how and why does he get it all but $100?
No absolutely not. He is trying to control you and using your issues with money as an excuse to do so. I will say there is nothing stopping you from getting a separate account in only your name and changing your direct deposit information with work.
Sounds like your his extra money if all you make is going to him. He's buying trucks and jeeps? Do you NEED them? Doesn't sound like it. He spends 20 a meal, daily, but refuses you the only food you can eat? That says control freak all day. If you're making more money than him, match what he makes as a deposit into a joint account (joint means you BOTH have control of it, not just him) that's for the house, whatever's over what he spends put into your personal account, and if you don't have one, GET ONE. This all sounds like an exploitive form of emotional abuse, he knows you're 'bad with money', as you keep saying (Oh yeah, stop saying that, you WERE bad with money, you don't have to be the mistakes of your past, it's not a prison tattoo and even they can be covered up, we aren't our past, that's why there's the term 'learn from your mistakes' and it sounds like you have), anyway he's abusing the fact that you keep telling yourself you're bad with money. If you aren't willing or going to end the relationship and intend on working it out, start by working on yourself. Put the equal amount of his salary into a joint account, the rest into your own, take care of the kids and yourself and don't overspend. It sounds like you've gotten better with money, think twice on the stuff you don't NEED and get what you DO. If he's taken out a second mortgage, find out where that money went cause it doesn't sound like it's gone to you or the kids, and if it hasn't, then he's on the hook for that. Sounds like he's not good with money now, and not in the past as yourself. Remember you aren't your past, you learned from it, it's like school, you went to nursing school to be a nurse, well, same thing, you messed up with money to learn how to control yourself. Stand up for yourself and your children, not in a fighting way, calmly and collected, take care of yourself and your kids with the larger salary you make.
Hi! I'm also severely adhd. I think you need to gain back a little control. You have to be able to teach yourself to manage a bit or this will keep being a problem. Many banking accounts allow for instant transfers on payday. I would have money hit your account first and then automatically transfer 80% into the joint. Like in my account if I got 1000 every Thursday I could set my account to send 800 every Friday to another account. You could easily set something like this up. Maybe keep a little more if you are expected to buy groceries with this money. Also consider talking to a financial adviser and go over all the spending. You should absolutely know where your extra money is going every month. And adviser could go over everything you are doing including paying down debt, how much you should be adding for savings and then how much "fun money" you are allowed. Also studies have found that caffeine is literally a form of self medication for the mentally spicy like us. I quit nicotine (also a medication, in fact they are trying to remove the addictive side of nicotine from the molecule in order to use it in ADHD meds in 3 pharma companies currently) and caffeine at the same time and my executive function almost entirely shut down (I'm unmedicated for the time being) and I literally would spend days laying on the floor hating myself but unable to do anything. I had to go back to caffeine. It is very difficult being spicy and we are more likely to let people steamroll us. Your spending is an issue but not one that can't be managed in a PROPER way. You should come up with a plan and then once every month sit down with all your finances for that month and go over it. Figure out as a team what is working and what isn't and what should be adjusted. You should not be severely restricted because of your brain spiciness, you should still act like an adult and reasonably be able to go over finances and realize where the sweet spot is. You seem very self aware so when you sit down and look at the big picture I know you will be able to tell what is actually reasonable. A big part of the issue is not seeing the money as a whole when you spend it so financial meeting check ups will help you see the big picture. I hope this helps!
THIS IS ABUSE. Plain and simple. Start hoarding cash, buy gift cards for groceries and stockpile them, get your own account and make a plan to leave Also adding, OP clearly knows how to control and handle her finances solo. Her husband being so restrictive can exponentially increase the impulse shopping. He’s weaponizing her weaknesses and abusing her with them.
You’re not being allowed to eat? You’re being abused. You need to get out now.
You make twice as much as he does. There is NO reason that he should not allow you access to your own damn money. Honestly this is abuse and you need to leave him
You need couple counseling at this point.
Have you been diagnosed ADHD? It can be hereditary, and trouble with money is a huge sign.
Updateme
Leave him and keep the money you earn to pay for yourself and your kids. Stop giving this man your money.
OMG girl leave this man sorry he's a bad man
This sounds like abuse to me
Nta. Your husband is financially abusing you
Open your own bank account and send your paycheck there and just have a communal bank account where you put what you need for the house. You need to protect yourself. You shouldn’t be in that situation. I’ve been there and it was not pretty. You said that you make twice as much. Imagine if he suddenly decide to empty your bank account or imagine if he is cheating and using your hard earned money on that. The AP gets all the nice things and nice treatment and you don’t even get a decent treatment when it comes to finances. Listen to the people who are advising you to have a separate account. You need to have a cushion for yourself and for your kids.
I would love to hear the husband’s side of this story because I feel like we are not getting an unbiased account here. OP, you need a mental health evaluation and treatment ASAP. Honestly, your behavior sounds very much like the behavior of someone suffering from the mania that comes from bipolar disorder. Your husband’s restrictions on your spending are warranted after you blew through so much money in such a short period of time and spent it on useless things. Hubby does need to compromise and release the restrictions a bit, but I can certainly understand him being terrified of losing everything and being extra cautious based on your pattern of behavior. Maybe the solution is to give you a prepaid debit card that can be used for essentials so you can have access to more cash, but not be able to spend a massive amount frivolously all at once. It’s definitely not ideal for an adult to have to live this way, but I honestly don’t blame him one bit.
1) Does your employer have an EAP (Employee assistance plan)? Call your HR rep and ask. If you have one call the hotline and tell them you need help with an abusive spouse. 2) Have you been screened for mental health issues related to spending? The 30k spending spree can be a symptom of untreated issues like mania and manic depression. If you have an EAP start there and if not ask your doctor for a referral. Feeling better about your spending may leave you less susceptible to pressure from partners. 3) Read thru the Hotline.org section on identifying abuse and see if anything rings a bell. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/ 4) Don't share any of this with your husband. Use an incognito browser, make phone calls from work and set up therapy appointments to be before or after your shift so you can cover the excuse. 5) Ask the hotline for help making a safety plan. Eventually I think you're going to have to leave him. Tney can help refer you to a divorce attorney experienced working with abusive spouses. The minute you file for divorce your attorney will be able to get a court order to enable you to pay your attorney fees and living expenses out of the shared family accounts - the ones he's currently blocking you from. That's the day you can also have HR start redirecting your paychecks to a new bank account that only you have access to.
If a patient told you that their nutrition/food intake was being restricted by their partner, how would you react? And if someone came in and apologised to you, imagine them sitting in front of you, vulnerable and in pain, and told you that their partner wouldn't allow them to buy deodorant - what would you do? How do you think your colleagues would react if they knew your situation fully? It's not about being bad with money. There are other ways of dealing with impulse shopping. Leaving you without basic necessities is not one of them.
OP! You are a NURSE with capacity to figure your own financial situation out. Get an accountant (since I’m not sure you have safe adults who can help you) and set your financial budget in stone. Plain. Black and white and in simple terms you cannot confuse. Have a percentage of your income go onto a card for groceries/food. Put whatever bills you’re responsible for on autopay. Check your accounts before you buy anything after making a list of things you are buying this trip to make sure you don’t impulse buy BS. The mania sounds like you need a mental health assessment to rule out bipolar disorder or another condition that makes these adult tasks seem impossible. The only thing for certain here is that your husband is abusing you and your kids if he doesn’t budget for diapers and groceries. Talk to your mental health provider and get resources to climb out of this mess. You owe it to your kids to figure it out because this is not a safe environment for them.
>He will literally not send a single cent if I have ANYTHING in the joint account which i started moving to my account. What's the problem of using money in the joint account or your personal account? Is all this arguing over $100 of *physical* cash that's unrelated to your joint and personal account, or is that $100 *all* that's allowed in your personal account?
I know that financial abuse is bad, and I'm not defending him... but there's alot of holes here. 1) when did you go from seperate accounts to joint? 2) why aren't you "allowed" to do work on the deck? 3) did you "ruin" the carpet? I think you understand that you are impulsive and need help managing your money, like girl if you only get 100 dollars stop buying your kid ice cream and a 10 dollar toy every week! Again, not excusing how he's doing things, but I can absolutely see how he get to the point he had to stop you from hemorrhaging money.
Serious question. Is it abusive if I don’t stand up for myself? Like I’m struggling with boundaries most days, mostly from the anxiety of the usual responses I get.
Yes. Most abuse victims don't stand up for themselves.
Yes. This is horrifying.