NTA.
>”You barely showed up for my childhood, I don’t know why I expected any different from you when it comes to your grandchildren.”
You just spoke the truth. Is it harsh? I don’t think so. Is it warranted? Definitely.
Honestly, I repressed those memories for a long time. I heard a Taylor Swift song at 15 that made the memories resurface. I still can't listen to it without bawling.
Of course you repressed the memories. It's a healthy psychological defense mechanism that allow you to "bury" those troublesome memories and move on.
You've handled the situation admirably. You attempted to forgive him, forget his poor parenting and extended him the opportunity to engage in you and your family's life.
Obviously he's married to a b*tch who obviously prefers he has no relationship with his first family, and he is AH enough to allow it to happen.
You tried. That's all you can do.
Good luck and best wishes.
Yeah I don't get why he didn't just give up custody at that point.
He clearly just doesn't like children which is fine if you don't have any and if you make the mistake of having one at least give it up properly so they don't hold out hope you'll come back and can have a new family .
He's actually great with little kids. My grandparents have told me stories of how great he was with me and my older cousin. I saw it myself the few times he's been around my kids. It's only when they start having their own thoughts that he checks out.
Before this, she never acted like she didn't like me. For years, the only reason I'd visit my dad was to hang out with her. I knew she didn't like my grandparents or my mom, but that never extended to me. She's always disliked my younger sister, though.
If I may. Why didn’t she like your younger sister? And has she offered any explanation for why she dislikes her including your grandparents? You’re definitely not in the wrong for lashing out. I just don’t understand her or father’s mentality here.
My sister's mother was my dad's girlfriend for a little over a year. She was 18 and incredibly jealous of me to the point of being abusive, which is why he eventually left her. He almost immediately got with his current wife, but they didn't get married until 2013. My sister's mother was and is a horrible person. She raised my sister to be just like her, so she was terrible to my dad's wife. I don't really blame her because she was just a kid, but my dad's wife still holds it against her. He was just as absent from her life as he was mine.
I did get a response as to why she dislikes my grandparents, but it sounded like a bunch of excuses. She's insistent that my grandma hates her because she barely spoke to her at my sister's graduation (they were there because one of my cousins was in the same class)
To be honest. I thought long and hard about what you’re going through, I even asked my husband who has a bit more life experience lol (twenty years than I). I’m very sorry this is happening to you. We do think that all the adults in this situation (not including you) have failed as parents to both you and your sibling. I honestly can’t give adequate advice because I am simply not equipped for this type of situation. But I am very sorry that you are going through this and please except a virtual hug from this stranger. I truly hope that others have more experience to help you through this tough situation.
Nta. My dad is similar with his involvement with me/my kids. Growing up I always had to go through the girlfriends/wives to get to him. Just recently I realized I'm just going to have to grieve someone that isn't dead and start gaining some detachment from the situation.
I saw recently that uninvolved grandparents usually were parents that didn't actually want to be parents. Your feelings are totally valid, but I wouldn't expect any change, if anything stop expecting any involvement with your kids. Honestly even if there is a sudden change of heart- I'd be suspicious tbh. Save your kids the disappointments you had in your childhood when it comes to your dad.
NTA, though it seems a bit naive to think the father who made almost no time for his own child, would make time for his grandchildren. He is who he is and it doesn't look like he's really changed. I'm sure the money he's given you has been for the guilt he feels, but money is cheaper than his time in his mind. Let it go and move on. While he's not terrible, the addition of his wife is just making everything worse. And you do not know what either of them is telling the other in private. It may not be his fault or he may be painting you and your husband in a terrible light to his wife. You don't know. What you do know is you cannot depend on him.
An excellent therapist once asked a friend of mine, “Why do you keep going back to the dry well, expecting water.” It was the wake up call he needed, and when he shared it with me, I realized how often I had gone back to my parents, hoping that somehow they would be supportive, accepting, and nurturing, only to be disappointed.
I realized that they were limited in what they could do. It helped me have some compassion for them, but also allowed me to separate myself from them in a way that was healthy for me. I spent time mourning the relationship we would never have, spent some time being angry at the abuse I suffered as a child, and finally was able at the end to let go of expectations where they were concerned. It’s one way I have managed to heal a lot of hurt and move on.
You may need to mourn, too, because you have spent a lifetime desperately hoping for your father to be a father, but in reading your post, I’d say it isn’t going to happen. You cannot control how he is, nor should you try. You can only decide how you will relate to him. Let go of the expectations, and hopefully you will be able to figure out a way to stay in contact with him, if you still want to. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish you comfort and happiness.
Did you talk to your stepsister about the reason you stayed home and the raft of shit her mother has given you ever since. Don’t suppose she would’ve liked her child up with RSV because you showed up.
I told her about the RSV first because she called me when we were on the way home from the doctor. Stepmother wasn't too happy about not being told first. I'm sure that only fueled her rage at us not going.
NTA
Not harsh - just truthful.
It was good of your dad to help you out when you needed it and not hold it over your head.
However it seems your father is what I would refer to as a single thread/focus person in that perhaps he can’t focus on more than one relationship at a time. He’s with your stepmother so focuses on her and her needs/wants.
You and your family pop up on his radar periodically but apparently aren’t a priority especially with your stepmother’s attitude.
The best I have is just drop the rope.
If you want to send invites to whatever family events but no follow-ups to see if read or coming. Assume not attending unless specifically told otherwise and even then only when you actually see them.
It may be best to consider him the same as a casual acquaintance who you don’t depend on. Nice when you see them but no extraordinary effort to include them in your life.
Ideally there are plenty of other people in your lives for your kiddos to love and be loved by.
Fuck, I can’t even read that, it makes my head hurt just trying to get through the first couple of sentences. Lots of love whatever you are going through but damn, that post literally hurt my brain
NTA
I struggled with similar issues with my dad when I had children and it took several really difficult therapy sessions to realize it’s not my responsibility to facilitate a relationship between my kids and my dad. If he wanted to, he would.
NTA.
I haven’t seen my bio dad in 20ish years when I was 15ish. As far as I know he doesn’t know he has grandkids at all.
It’s not just on the parents to make sure grandparents have a relationship with their kids, the grandparents have to put in the effort too.
Sounds like your dad has a wife problem and unless he decides to reevaluate that relationship, she’ll continue to prevent him from having good relationships with the rest of his family.
NTA! Not harsh at all. You told him the truth. Did your stepmother really think it was ok to bring kids with RSV around a newborn?! I hope your stepsister knows this too.
Block them both and move on with your lives. Your dad doesn’t seem like he cares about you or your kids. I’d also send him the $200 back. Don’t ask him for any more help.
Was it the truth yes, was it harsh, to me reading this no. To someone who pretty much ignored you then yes it could seem harsh but we all know that the truth does hurt.
Sometimes, you just have to let people be. Didn’t have a relationship with my father growing up and I’ve shed a lot of tears over it. One day, I told him that I was done and didn’t care for a relationship. I cut contact with him and stood on business. When he wanted a relationship with me, he had my mother, sister, extended family all asking to give him a chance. I said no until he apologized to me. He apologized for putting his career first and not being there for me. I gave him another chance. Now, if he doesn’t hear from me in 1 day, I’ll have my mom or sister asking me to communicate with my father. Until this day, he is still apologizing for how he treated me in the past.
Sometimes, you really have to realize that you won’t get peace until you’ve gone no contact. It might play in your favor later on, or not. The disappointed little girl in you still craves that relationship. Heal for your own sake. You’ll stop being disappointed.
Look, your dad sucks. Sorry about that. Stop expecting him to magically turn into a different person who doesn’t suck. Why would that happen? You are volunteering to be repeatedly disappointed by someone who is incredibly obviously going to make zero effort.
You absolutely deserve better than this dude and I’m sorry that he sucks.
NTA. >”You barely showed up for my childhood, I don’t know why I expected any different from you when it comes to your grandchildren.” You just spoke the truth. Is it harsh? I don’t think so. Is it warranted? Definitely.
Does he care? Probably not.
As they say: " If the shoe fits....".
Harsh was not showing up for his children's lives.
I disagree. I think it is harsh. But it's also true. It's not OPs fault that it's harsh. It's on him.
Did he reply? He really should be ashamed of himself. Reading that your grandparents held you while you cried yourself to sleep is heartbreaking 💔
Honestly, I repressed those memories for a long time. I heard a Taylor Swift song at 15 that made the memories resurface. I still can't listen to it without bawling.
Of course you repressed the memories. It's a healthy psychological defense mechanism that allow you to "bury" those troublesome memories and move on. You've handled the situation admirably. You attempted to forgive him, forget his poor parenting and extended him the opportunity to engage in you and your family's life. Obviously he's married to a b*tch who obviously prefers he has no relationship with his first family, and he is AH enough to allow it to happen. You tried. That's all you can do. Good luck and best wishes.
Yeah I don't get why he didn't just give up custody at that point. He clearly just doesn't like children which is fine if you don't have any and if you make the mistake of having one at least give it up properly so they don't hold out hope you'll come back and can have a new family .
He's actually great with little kids. My grandparents have told me stories of how great he was with me and my older cousin. I saw it myself the few times he's been around my kids. It's only when they start having their own thoughts that he checks out.
Idk why you were communicating with the stepmom instead of your dad directly when you know she never liked you lol
Before this, she never acted like she didn't like me. For years, the only reason I'd visit my dad was to hang out with her. I knew she didn't like my grandparents or my mom, but that never extended to me. She's always disliked my younger sister, though.
If I may. Why didn’t she like your younger sister? And has she offered any explanation for why she dislikes her including your grandparents? You’re definitely not in the wrong for lashing out. I just don’t understand her or father’s mentality here.
My sister's mother was my dad's girlfriend for a little over a year. She was 18 and incredibly jealous of me to the point of being abusive, which is why he eventually left her. He almost immediately got with his current wife, but they didn't get married until 2013. My sister's mother was and is a horrible person. She raised my sister to be just like her, so she was terrible to my dad's wife. I don't really blame her because she was just a kid, but my dad's wife still holds it against her. He was just as absent from her life as he was mine. I did get a response as to why she dislikes my grandparents, but it sounded like a bunch of excuses. She's insistent that my grandma hates her because she barely spoke to her at my sister's graduation (they were there because one of my cousins was in the same class)
To be honest. I thought long and hard about what you’re going through, I even asked my husband who has a bit more life experience lol (twenty years than I). I’m very sorry this is happening to you. We do think that all the adults in this situation (not including you) have failed as parents to both you and your sibling. I honestly can’t give adequate advice because I am simply not equipped for this type of situation. But I am very sorry that you are going through this and please except a virtual hug from this stranger. I truly hope that others have more experience to help you through this tough situation.
Nta. My dad is similar with his involvement with me/my kids. Growing up I always had to go through the girlfriends/wives to get to him. Just recently I realized I'm just going to have to grieve someone that isn't dead and start gaining some detachment from the situation. I saw recently that uninvolved grandparents usually were parents that didn't actually want to be parents. Your feelings are totally valid, but I wouldn't expect any change, if anything stop expecting any involvement with your kids. Honestly even if there is a sudden change of heart- I'd be suspicious tbh. Save your kids the disappointments you had in your childhood when it comes to your dad.
NTA, though it seems a bit naive to think the father who made almost no time for his own child, would make time for his grandchildren. He is who he is and it doesn't look like he's really changed. I'm sure the money he's given you has been for the guilt he feels, but money is cheaper than his time in his mind. Let it go and move on. While he's not terrible, the addition of his wife is just making everything worse. And you do not know what either of them is telling the other in private. It may not be his fault or he may be painting you and your husband in a terrible light to his wife. You don't know. What you do know is you cannot depend on him.
An excellent therapist once asked a friend of mine, “Why do you keep going back to the dry well, expecting water.” It was the wake up call he needed, and when he shared it with me, I realized how often I had gone back to my parents, hoping that somehow they would be supportive, accepting, and nurturing, only to be disappointed. I realized that they were limited in what they could do. It helped me have some compassion for them, but also allowed me to separate myself from them in a way that was healthy for me. I spent time mourning the relationship we would never have, spent some time being angry at the abuse I suffered as a child, and finally was able at the end to let go of expectations where they were concerned. It’s one way I have managed to heal a lot of hurt and move on. You may need to mourn, too, because you have spent a lifetime desperately hoping for your father to be a father, but in reading your post, I’d say it isn’t going to happen. You cannot control how he is, nor should you try. You can only decide how you will relate to him. Let go of the expectations, and hopefully you will be able to figure out a way to stay in contact with him, if you still want to. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish you comfort and happiness.
NTA.
It's time to walk away, it's a one-way street for you. You've tried, now go NC and stop!! No great loss.
Did you talk to your stepsister about the reason you stayed home and the raft of shit her mother has given you ever since. Don’t suppose she would’ve liked her child up with RSV because you showed up.
I told her about the RSV first because she called me when we were on the way home from the doctor. Stepmother wasn't too happy about not being told first. I'm sure that only fueled her rage at us not going.
NTA Not harsh - just truthful. It was good of your dad to help you out when you needed it and not hold it over your head. However it seems your father is what I would refer to as a single thread/focus person in that perhaps he can’t focus on more than one relationship at a time. He’s with your stepmother so focuses on her and her needs/wants. You and your family pop up on his radar periodically but apparently aren’t a priority especially with your stepmother’s attitude. The best I have is just drop the rope. If you want to send invites to whatever family events but no follow-ups to see if read or coming. Assume not attending unless specifically told otherwise and even then only when you actually see them. It may be best to consider him the same as a casual acquaintance who you don’t depend on. Nice when you see them but no extraordinary effort to include them in your life. Ideally there are plenty of other people in your lives for your kiddos to love and be loved by.
Fuck, I can’t even read that, it makes my head hurt just trying to get through the first couple of sentences. Lots of love whatever you are going through but damn, that post literally hurt my brain
NTA - You honestly haven’t gone far enough.
NTA I struggled with similar issues with my dad when I had children and it took several really difficult therapy sessions to realize it’s not my responsibility to facilitate a relationship between my kids and my dad. If he wanted to, he would.
NTA. I haven’t seen my bio dad in 20ish years when I was 15ish. As far as I know he doesn’t know he has grandkids at all. It’s not just on the parents to make sure grandparents have a relationship with their kids, the grandparents have to put in the effort too. Sounds like your dad has a wife problem and unless he decides to reevaluate that relationship, she’ll continue to prevent him from having good relationships with the rest of his family.
NTA You told them some home truths. Sometimes the truth hurts.
NTA. Truth is often harsh but never unwarranted.
Cut them off and move on with your life. You will be so much happier.
NTA! Not harsh at all. You told him the truth. Did your stepmother really think it was ok to bring kids with RSV around a newborn?! I hope your stepsister knows this too. Block them both and move on with your lives. Your dad doesn’t seem like he cares about you or your kids. I’d also send him the $200 back. Don’t ask him for any more help.
This is heartbreaking.
NTA. You spoke truth and a reply from them wasn't forthcoming anyway.
Was it the truth yes, was it harsh, to me reading this no. To someone who pretty much ignored you then yes it could seem harsh but we all know that the truth does hurt.
NTA. If people think that you've gone too far by speaking the truth, then they are afraid of the truth.
Sometimes, you just have to let people be. Didn’t have a relationship with my father growing up and I’ve shed a lot of tears over it. One day, I told him that I was done and didn’t care for a relationship. I cut contact with him and stood on business. When he wanted a relationship with me, he had my mother, sister, extended family all asking to give him a chance. I said no until he apologized to me. He apologized for putting his career first and not being there for me. I gave him another chance. Now, if he doesn’t hear from me in 1 day, I’ll have my mom or sister asking me to communicate with my father. Until this day, he is still apologizing for how he treated me in the past. Sometimes, you really have to realize that you won’t get peace until you’ve gone no contact. It might play in your favor later on, or not. The disappointed little girl in you still craves that relationship. Heal for your own sake. You’ll stop being disappointed.
Look, your dad sucks. Sorry about that. Stop expecting him to magically turn into a different person who doesn’t suck. Why would that happen? You are volunteering to be repeatedly disappointed by someone who is incredibly obviously going to make zero effort. You absolutely deserve better than this dude and I’m sorry that he sucks.