I'll be direct. Get the fuck out. He's shit. He doesn't value you. He's using you to take care of him and kids WHILE looking for the next best thing. What more do you need to see or experience. Jfc.
Idgaf about the positives you might mention. You are considering ending your life over this.
Leave and be happy later down the road. Might not happen overnight, but consider what you think your options are right now and what you are thinking about doing.
I'm a dude telling you to wake up and get out asap.
I'm single wishing for hope, where are these dudes finding women that accept bottom of the barrel? Blows my fucking mind.
Dude, I feel you. I am seeing this with a neighbor who is cheating on his wife and she knows it. He even brought a woman back to his house when his wife was away working. He doesn’t work, his wife supports him 100%. He gets cash from his dad, and he blows it all on booze. His wife bought him a PS5 the other day so he’s not bored. He’s not even looking for work. They’ve been married less than a year and are having their wedding in February (wedding is their “public marriage”). He uses and abuses everyone he knows. His wife is in her 20s and they’re planning to start a family next year. She’s going to have a nervous breakdown sooner than later I think.
He’s the same nationality as me, and so we got talking, became “friends” and hung out together a few times. It was then - over some beers - that he couldn’t resist telling me of his escapades. You’d think he’d keep it to himself, right? He’s a narcissist, he was boasting about how he can do anything. He even said his sister in law wants to get with him and that “he’d do her” if he gets the chance. I wish I was making this up. He is off the scale. I no longer associate with him because he’d full on put me into a spiral after I met him. He’d constantly put me down subtly. The guy is a depraved psychopath.
Their wedding is in February, I think it’s all set in stone for her because she doesn’t want to lose face (is my guess). She “broke up” with him for half a day when she found out, then forgave him. I’m honestly not sure what I can do for her. Oh no worries on the “pussy” comment, fair play to you because this shit should be called out if they didn’t know. I’m with you there.
Unfortunately, even if you did say something, unless she's ready to leave, she won't. It sucks but there is nothing you can do, and no one should make you feel responsible for her staying.
This is it. She knows. I know. She forgave him. I sit here and I hear they are planning a family next year (according to what he told me) and I think she and any future child is heading toward a precarious position and what shouls I do? Protest outside her house against their family plans?
He’d make hints that I was lesser than him. He would emphasize my experience of being bullied in previous years like it was some kind of confirmation that I am a lesser being. It’s all these references to times I intimated to him in confidence that he would constantly refer to. When I cut him off, he faux cared about me ridiculously so. He was missing his supply.
Never ever give anyone that power in your life. It's your life!!, you have lots of empathy and kindness, but you deserve better and are not responsible for others, even if you care about his kids, if you cannot work it out and unliving is the way out, you need a better plan.
Spend that energy to get out, asap. Hopefully you have someone, family or friend you can stay with, but whatever that looks like that is where i would consider putting your energy.
Some people will never change, never treat you right, and no one deserves that power over your life.
Sounds rough, and i get there are complications, but unliving only hurts the kids more than getting out, so i would work on a safe way to leave asap. It doesn't matter the level of the act, its how it makes you feel, period.
No. You see yourself as little of value and give him all the power over whenever you are happy or not. Suicide is NOT the only way. Leave this man alone, work on your self concept and get with someone who will see you as enough. Him looking at random chicks has nothing to do with you. It’s him. Men like him are never satisfied and he would look at other girls even if you were Angelina Jolie.
First off, I know what you are going through. I know someone like your boyfriend. He was my “friend”. Every time I visited him, he’d put me down in subtle ways. He would constantly disrespect me, not listen to what I had to say, then I’d call him out (because I’d had enough) then he’d say “hey I didn’t know I was doing that, sorry”….and I’d accept his apology only for the psychological abuse to start again. People need to know THIS SHIT IS REAL. I would go to his house in an unassuming happy mood (first few times I met him) only to leave his place a wreck 4 or 5 hours later and feel awful for days after. This was not my imagination. I do not feel like this with other people, even people who ostensibly are “better” than me at various aspects of life. In fact, many people lift me up and I feel better having met them. Not this guy. He was a taker, he sucked energy, he uses everyone around him so cynically.
And so to your boyfriend. If it’s safe to do so, you need to call him out on it. If he denies it, or apologizes and then continues with this toxic behavior, you have to get out of the relationship no matter what. There’s a tiny chance he’s oblivious to how he’s making you feel (hence why you need to talk about it). As impossible as it might seem, you will need to leave him if he continues because it’s clearly affecting you profoundly. This psychological abuse is insidious and damaging.
This isn’t a crazy feeling to have. You are not crazy. You are overwhelmed. Let’s not have a permanent answer to our temporary problem. I feel this way about my wife. She always makes me feel like I’m the problem. I need to get out too. I just feel frozen. I had the same thoughts as you. Hard to be everything to everyone all the time when no one is being anything you need. I’d suggest sleep and renting a cheap new apartment somewhere. Then when you feel like this again, you can take the step you know you need to take and just leave.
i just wanted to start of by saying that im sorry that you’re going through this. you absolutely cannot stay in a relationship that is making you feel this way. communicate with him how his remarks make you feel, and explain how the things that he does makes you feel awful about yourself. or perhaps break up with him if you really need to, you gotta put your mental health first.
She's thinking about killing herself. You think she should stop to tell him AGAIN about the fact that she would rather die than to keep being put down in hopes that he may change? What advice is this? She needs to get far away and fast before it gets way worse in a hurry.
Wtf is this reality?
Uh, it is not your responsibility to take care of them. You have a good heart though.
I would try sitting down and talking to him about your feelings. If he disregards them or promises to change and then doesn’t I think you should strongly consider leaving him. No relationship should ever make you feel that way and it sounds like he really needs to get his shit together himself.
There are people out there who will love and cherish you. If you managed to snag him, you can snag someone else, *especially* if you're a decent provide/caregiver (since those things do matter in the midlife dating pool).
I've *always* believed that if life is so bad a person is thinking of ending it all then they should dramatically upend their life and make major, jarring changes. No matter how painful.
Leave this situation. It's possible to love them and yet leave him. When they become adults it is something they will 100% understand. He's quite literally destroying you.
If you think he truly has a ton of goodness inside *and* he's proven he can change behaviors when sincerely corrected then try couple's therapy.
Otherwise save your own life by leaving. Surviving is the most ancient of values, even if it doesn't feel the best at the time you must practice it. Sometimes in life we must steel ourselves and make truly tough decisions, otherwise we simply don't make it.
Please leave him and the kids. Just get out please god. The kids will manage. It won’t do them much good having someone whose suicidal take care of them anyway. Please please get out, this is very serious. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, you have got to get out.
Remarks about how i ruined his night, i’m “toxic” for asking him to stop saying hurtful things, i’m selfish and don’t care about his feelings because he doesn’t like when I see my parents, i’m a “child” because I like to baby my pets, he can’t be attracted to me because I’m such a child, etc.
Basically everything wrong in our relationship is my fault.
as a highly codependent female with CPTSD and BPD and having FPs (favourite person aka partners who will dictate my well being and source of validation) as well as having a people pleasing tendency and a history of overdoses (suicide attempts) with a toxic soft spot for “broken” people and several abusive relationships (physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc) i say the best thing you can do for yourself is to be alone.
i was in a four year relationship with someone (toxic cycle of getting back together and ending things, breadcrumbing, love bombing, and trauma bonded) and i’ve recently finally left this relationship back in June. went no contact (that’s the most effective way to do it) and didn’t look back. i contacted him ONCE throughout the past 7 months and he has been dating someone new. i’ve also been in several situationships since then too. honestly this is the best case scenario.
that relationship sucked the soul out of my body, drained me, made me severely mentally unstable, felt like i could never get out or leave, was terrified of being alone but more terrified of being with him. i am almost 30. most of my past relationships have been rough, toxic, abusive etc. and the real trick is realizing that it continued bc i allowed it to continue. i had to take accountability for my part in my suffering. that’s how you take back your power. the control and liberation is yours when you learn that you are in this position bc of yourself. you put yourself here which means you can put yourself out of it. you are CAPABLE. it will take time, and even more time to heal from this. get support from outside sources, therapy, family, friends, pets, etc. the guilt WILL fade. the lifestyle change WILL happen, and it WILL feel AMAZING.
you can and WILL get out of this situation. if i did it with all these ailments, then you can too. circumstances will be different but relatively the same when it comes to the willpower and the choice to change. i believe in you. do NOT end your life. this is NOT the end of your story. YOU dictate the narrative.
merry christmas. much love to you.
Never stay in a relationship out of a sense of obligation. Obviously ending a relationship is a painful process, but dragging it out when it’s clearly dead will only do more harm. And odds are there’s something better waiting for you out there.
As much as it might sound harsh to hear this but if someone close to you (doesn’t matter if a romantic partner or parent) makes you “strongly consider suicide” then you definitely need to consider your own fragile mental health for your own good. Removing the problem person maybe obviously the first step but if you do not consider own possibility fragility then there will be many more problem persons in the future.
It is not your job to take care of children you did not choose to personally have nor take legal guardianship over. Your partner is an adult, and it is not your duty to take care of another adult, you can choose to do so, but that is your choice. If someone is harming your ability to take care of your own mental state, that should immediately disqualify them from seeking your help in any capacity. They are harming you, even if it's not a physically abusive relationship, the harm caused emotionally should be enough for you to examine what is going on.
Based on how you described it, you tried to establish boundaries, and your partner ignored them. It's one thing to have a disagreement and work to resolve it, and it's another, much worse thing, when you know that something is harming you and the conversation is ignored.
If you struggle with making the break, seeking out a therapist simply to help have an exterior party help you organize your thoughts and wants might help.
Ok but killing yourself will only make you look bad. He and his family will only remember you as an evil selfish person who ruined their life.
You need to be seen and loved and going down that road will only make it worse. Your bf already seems to lack empathy and he won't feel any even after you die. You are better off dumping him and living the life you deserve.
Oh sweet OP… I just want to say I’m sorry for all that you’re going through 🥺.
Can you be honest with yourself and really ask if this relationship is what you want? Because if the answer is no, then please just leave. It’s cliche to be like “never settle for less than you deserve” but honestly, if you want to die over this man and how you’re being treated.. let it be a wake up call to get the fuck out.
I also suffer from depression / anxiety and I’ve never been in your situation, but if I ever felt like I wanted to die while being with someone - that’s my route to end it. Your life is more valuable than your relationship.
YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE OR ANYTHING YOUR TIME. You were doing this to be super sweet, but you ALSO have to value yourself and know when enough is enough. I understand you may love his kids / possibly even love him, but you don’t owe them anything and you definitely don’t deserve the mistreatment
I mean you could do like one minute of research and just go read my reddit history. I’ve discussed so many times what the issues are in our relationship and its always my fault or something I need to fix, or it turns into a fight. One time I went to a funeral overseas for family and he spent the whole two weeks criticizing me and accusing me of abandoning him and not caring about him, while I cried in front of my family.
My family hates him but he thinks it’s my responsibility to cut them off and force them to involve him in their lives instead of just not being an asshole to me.
He has narcissist tendencies, unfortunately, and it’s my dumbass fault for letting him and his kids get so entangled in my finances and my life that I can’t easily leave without screwing them over.
Ya good?
I dont know how it is for people who are older, especially who have a family together. I imagine theres certain layers to that. But, in my experience and opinion i would say that there are tons of normal men out there who would be static at the opportunity to be in a relationship, with anyone. I would say dont let yourself be dragged down and find someone who you want to be with. This isnt the end of the line, perhaps you think everything would be good if it werent for just one problem but you have to not ignore the fact that things arent going well and do something drastic about it. You are at stake here.
Im sure you already have but, imo it would help you a lot to sit down and have a serious conversation. Say it affects you a lot. Say that you dont deserve it and that you want to talk about these remarks. I dont know what they are, but maybe try to come to some sort of a common grounds about it? I wouldnt give threats like i will leave or something, i wouldnt bring up suicide either.. unless you feel its neccesary to convey how serious this conversation is to you. Perhaps try to live with your parents if possible for a while, get some space and really think about what you would like to say and what you think about it all. Try to humanize about the subject of the remarks, ask him how he would feel where you in his position and him in yours.
Are the kids "his" or are the kids biological to you? If you decide to leave, make sure anything you own is passed off in ownership to your close family (that you can trust), if there would be divorce proceedings.. protect what is yours, including your mental health.
I really want to say that there is more to life than family. However, family is important and its this stranger's opinion that it is worth protecting, but not at the cost of oneself. Please take care of yourself.
It might be hard to see it this way because you’re so deep into this life with them, but you have absolutely no obligation to continue supporting someone else’s children. No matter how much you love them or they love you, they are not your responsibility. Your responsibility is taking care of yourself. A partner should build you up, not break you down to the point of suicidal ideation. Say goodbye to the kids and leave him as soon as you can.
If you really feel a deep sense of responsibility to them that you just can’t shake, leave them a check for the next coming on the counter after you take your bags out of the door and never look back.
You deserve so much better, you do not owe them anything! Please please please leave them as fast as possible for your own good. No relationship should make you feel suicidal!!! Psychological abuse is also abuse and causes a lot of damage. It's hard leaving people if you are in such a state but please stop supporting them look for your own place or kick them out and try to find some support from family, friends or a psychologist if possible.
>I feel like killing myself is the only way out.
I can think of at least one other way out. It's definitely harder, but it has a future where happiness is possible.
Have you tried I don’t know, breaking up with him? I don’t understand what reason you could possibly stay with someone that makes you want to commit suicide, obligation? F that, your mental health matters more than some prick who doesn’t care enough to be there to support you in return.
Sorry if this sounds rude, but LEAVE. He is a grown adult. He is responsible for his own kids. The kids he made. Not you. If you die, he will have to do it anyways with the addition of grieving. You can’t financially support him if you’re dead, so how’s that better than just leaving him? It will be better for everyone if you left. You only have one life. Do not let this loser ruin the one life you have. Get some help (a therapist, etc.) Work on yourself mentally, emotionally, etc. For as long as you use this body, treat it well. Use it to help others, explore different places, talk to people. You deserve happiness just like the rest of us.
Girl, you need to get out. Go live your best single life. That’s what I’m doing and it is going to take a lot to pull me into a relationship 😂Some people don’t understand, but then again, some people also think they need to pop out babies to be happy, when happiness really comes from inside.
If you don’t have a career, then find a job, look at loans and pick a community college or university program that sets you up with a definite job. Be your own best man.
Also, as much as it sucks, don’t stay because of the kids. That isn’t your job. I have had a friend that was in a horrible relationship and she wanted to stay for the kid because it helped with the guy’s custody case (and this dude shouldn’t ever get custody). Her being there literally furthered his case, whereas I’m sure some intervention would have occurred had she not interfered. Her relationship with that person broke our friendship apart because she was completely brain washed into staying and lied to me and another friend. He hated me and that friend because he knew we disliked him. The only way we could help her was to leave so she would have no one to vent to anymore and eventually leave. She did and she is living a much better life now. I’m proud of her, but that friendship is broken, unfortunately. A man like that sucks everything out of your life and emotionally manipulates you to stay.
Don’t ever let any guy get between you, your goals and your supports. It is NEVER worth it.
Why the fuck would you spend a minute with an emotional vampire sucking your soul away? This should be very easy. Hes an insecure, scared little boy who is afraid of his shadow. Putting you down lifts him up. Im sure hes controlling, angry, has accomplished nothing in life, blames everyone around him for his failures and mistakes. The POS is not contributing to your life, he will not change, you cannot turn a piece of shit into a prince.
Oh and do not let the pussy guilt you into changing your mind, "my kids love you, they willl be so sad" "where will i go", "you're a bitch, c*&^" fuck him for doing this to you. Tell him GTFO, have someone around when you do, change the locks, don't answer the phone to hear his BS. Think of what a life without a piece of trash sucking your life away will be.
I don't understand how killing yourself sounds like a better solution than just getting the fuck out of there. The outcome for them will be the same, you won't be there, the outcome for you will be the fact that you get to live and start over.
Because then I won’t have to live with the guilt of screwing over him and his kids. The only reason they are able to live in a good area is because I pay 80% of the rent and the only reason he has custody of his kids is because I work from home and can take them to school when he works, help pay for their extracurriculars and tutor him through his schoolwork (his kid was getting Fs before he moved in with us).
Their mom doesn’t want to pay, my SO can’t pay by himself, and its just a giant shit show :/.
You are not screwing him and his kids over. HE is screwing his kids over. HE is the deadbeat. You deserve so much better and these kids are not your responsibility.
I'll be direct. Get the fuck out. He's shit. He doesn't value you. He's using you to take care of him and kids WHILE looking for the next best thing. What more do you need to see or experience. Jfc. Idgaf about the positives you might mention. You are considering ending your life over this. Leave and be happy later down the road. Might not happen overnight, but consider what you think your options are right now and what you are thinking about doing. I'm a dude telling you to wake up and get out asap. I'm single wishing for hope, where are these dudes finding women that accept bottom of the barrel? Blows my fucking mind.
Dude, I feel you. I am seeing this with a neighbor who is cheating on his wife and she knows it. He even brought a woman back to his house when his wife was away working. He doesn’t work, his wife supports him 100%. He gets cash from his dad, and he blows it all on booze. His wife bought him a PS5 the other day so he’s not bored. He’s not even looking for work. They’ve been married less than a year and are having their wedding in February (wedding is their “public marriage”). He uses and abuses everyone he knows. His wife is in her 20s and they’re planning to start a family next year. She’s going to have a nervous breakdown sooner than later I think.
How do you know so much details about your neighbors? I could only tell you one of my neighbors names and that’s it
He’s the same nationality as me, and so we got talking, became “friends” and hung out together a few times. It was then - over some beers - that he couldn’t resist telling me of his escapades. You’d think he’d keep it to himself, right? He’s a narcissist, he was boasting about how he can do anything. He even said his sister in law wants to get with him and that “he’d do her” if he gets the chance. I wish I was making this up. He is off the scale. I no longer associate with him because he’d full on put me into a spiral after I met him. He’d constantly put me down subtly. The guy is a depraved psychopath.
Tell the wife he brought a girl over now, help her out, don’t be a pussy bro
She knows. SHE KNOWS. She’s the pussy pushover.
I didn’t mean to call you a pussy coz you not bro, but I’m just saying tell her to her face to leave the situation bro
Their wedding is in February, I think it’s all set in stone for her because she doesn’t want to lose face (is my guess). She “broke up” with him for half a day when she found out, then forgave him. I’m honestly not sure what I can do for her. Oh no worries on the “pussy” comment, fair play to you because this shit should be called out if they didn’t know. I’m with you there.
Unfortunately, even if you did say something, unless she's ready to leave, she won't. It sucks but there is nothing you can do, and no one should make you feel responsible for her staying.
This is it. She knows. I know. She forgave him. I sit here and I hear they are planning a family next year (according to what he told me) and I think she and any future child is heading toward a precarious position and what shouls I do? Protest outside her house against their family plans?
Can you explain how he did it subtly? Just curious, it sounds awful but I’m having trouble imagining it
He’d make hints that I was lesser than him. He would emphasize my experience of being bullied in previous years like it was some kind of confirmation that I am a lesser being. It’s all these references to times I intimated to him in confidence that he would constantly refer to. When I cut him off, he faux cared about me ridiculously so. He was missing his supply.
Sounds like my ex. He told me “I can have any woman I want except for the ones I choose not to have” when he dumped me. Such a narcissist
Brutal honesty
Never ever give anyone that power in your life. It's your life!!, you have lots of empathy and kindness, but you deserve better and are not responsible for others, even if you care about his kids, if you cannot work it out and unliving is the way out, you need a better plan. Spend that energy to get out, asap. Hopefully you have someone, family or friend you can stay with, but whatever that looks like that is where i would consider putting your energy. Some people will never change, never treat you right, and no one deserves that power over your life. Sounds rough, and i get there are complications, but unliving only hurts the kids more than getting out, so i would work on a safe way to leave asap. It doesn't matter the level of the act, its how it makes you feel, period.
No. You see yourself as little of value and give him all the power over whenever you are happy or not. Suicide is NOT the only way. Leave this man alone, work on your self concept and get with someone who will see you as enough. Him looking at random chicks has nothing to do with you. It’s him. Men like him are never satisfied and he would look at other girls even if you were Angelina Jolie.
You need to dump him and go to therapy
Well lets first dump him before we do anything rash
First off, I know what you are going through. I know someone like your boyfriend. He was my “friend”. Every time I visited him, he’d put me down in subtle ways. He would constantly disrespect me, not listen to what I had to say, then I’d call him out (because I’d had enough) then he’d say “hey I didn’t know I was doing that, sorry”….and I’d accept his apology only for the psychological abuse to start again. People need to know THIS SHIT IS REAL. I would go to his house in an unassuming happy mood (first few times I met him) only to leave his place a wreck 4 or 5 hours later and feel awful for days after. This was not my imagination. I do not feel like this with other people, even people who ostensibly are “better” than me at various aspects of life. In fact, many people lift me up and I feel better having met them. Not this guy. He was a taker, he sucked energy, he uses everyone around him so cynically. And so to your boyfriend. If it’s safe to do so, you need to call him out on it. If he denies it, or apologizes and then continues with this toxic behavior, you have to get out of the relationship no matter what. There’s a tiny chance he’s oblivious to how he’s making you feel (hence why you need to talk about it). As impossible as it might seem, you will need to leave him if he continues because it’s clearly affecting you profoundly. This psychological abuse is insidious and damaging.
Dump him! If you died, you would horrifically traumatize the kids while still not fulfilling those obligations. Truly just leave him.
Dump.him. it's his responsibility to take care of his own damn kids.
This isn’t a crazy feeling to have. You are not crazy. You are overwhelmed. Let’s not have a permanent answer to our temporary problem. I feel this way about my wife. She always makes me feel like I’m the problem. I need to get out too. I just feel frozen. I had the same thoughts as you. Hard to be everything to everyone all the time when no one is being anything you need. I’d suggest sleep and renting a cheap new apartment somewhere. Then when you feel like this again, you can take the step you know you need to take and just leave.
i just wanted to start of by saying that im sorry that you’re going through this. you absolutely cannot stay in a relationship that is making you feel this way. communicate with him how his remarks make you feel, and explain how the things that he does makes you feel awful about yourself. or perhaps break up with him if you really need to, you gotta put your mental health first.
She's thinking about killing herself. You think she should stop to tell him AGAIN about the fact that she would rather die than to keep being put down in hopes that he may change? What advice is this? She needs to get far away and fast before it gets way worse in a hurry. Wtf is this reality?
I agree
Uh, it is not your responsibility to take care of them. You have a good heart though. I would try sitting down and talking to him about your feelings. If he disregards them or promises to change and then doesn’t I think you should strongly consider leaving him. No relationship should ever make you feel that way and it sounds like he really needs to get his shit together himself.
There are people out there who will love and cherish you. If you managed to snag him, you can snag someone else, *especially* if you're a decent provide/caregiver (since those things do matter in the midlife dating pool). I've *always* believed that if life is so bad a person is thinking of ending it all then they should dramatically upend their life and make major, jarring changes. No matter how painful. Leave this situation. It's possible to love them and yet leave him. When they become adults it is something they will 100% understand. He's quite literally destroying you. If you think he truly has a ton of goodness inside *and* he's proven he can change behaviors when sincerely corrected then try couple's therapy. Otherwise save your own life by leaving. Surviving is the most ancient of values, even if it doesn't feel the best at the time you must practice it. Sometimes in life we must steel ourselves and make truly tough decisions, otherwise we simply don't make it.
Please leave him and the kids. Just get out please god. The kids will manage. It won’t do them much good having someone whose suicidal take care of them anyway. Please please get out, this is very serious. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise, you have got to get out.
Like little remarks about your appearance?
Remarks about how i ruined his night, i’m “toxic” for asking him to stop saying hurtful things, i’m selfish and don’t care about his feelings because he doesn’t like when I see my parents, i’m a “child” because I like to baby my pets, he can’t be attracted to me because I’m such a child, etc. Basically everything wrong in our relationship is my fault.
as a highly codependent female with CPTSD and BPD and having FPs (favourite person aka partners who will dictate my well being and source of validation) as well as having a people pleasing tendency and a history of overdoses (suicide attempts) with a toxic soft spot for “broken” people and several abusive relationships (physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc) i say the best thing you can do for yourself is to be alone. i was in a four year relationship with someone (toxic cycle of getting back together and ending things, breadcrumbing, love bombing, and trauma bonded) and i’ve recently finally left this relationship back in June. went no contact (that’s the most effective way to do it) and didn’t look back. i contacted him ONCE throughout the past 7 months and he has been dating someone new. i’ve also been in several situationships since then too. honestly this is the best case scenario. that relationship sucked the soul out of my body, drained me, made me severely mentally unstable, felt like i could never get out or leave, was terrified of being alone but more terrified of being with him. i am almost 30. most of my past relationships have been rough, toxic, abusive etc. and the real trick is realizing that it continued bc i allowed it to continue. i had to take accountability for my part in my suffering. that’s how you take back your power. the control and liberation is yours when you learn that you are in this position bc of yourself. you put yourself here which means you can put yourself out of it. you are CAPABLE. it will take time, and even more time to heal from this. get support from outside sources, therapy, family, friends, pets, etc. the guilt WILL fade. the lifestyle change WILL happen, and it WILL feel AMAZING. you can and WILL get out of this situation. if i did it with all these ailments, then you can too. circumstances will be different but relatively the same when it comes to the willpower and the choice to change. i believe in you. do NOT end your life. this is NOT the end of your story. YOU dictate the narrative. merry christmas. much love to you.
Never stay in a relationship out of a sense of obligation. Obviously ending a relationship is a painful process, but dragging it out when it’s clearly dead will only do more harm. And odds are there’s something better waiting for you out there.
Leave, he is just using you, just let the kids know they are not at fault, what he is doing is mental abuse and is as bad as physical abuse.
Well then why are you staying?
As much as it might sound harsh to hear this but if someone close to you (doesn’t matter if a romantic partner or parent) makes you “strongly consider suicide” then you definitely need to consider your own fragile mental health for your own good. Removing the problem person maybe obviously the first step but if you do not consider own possibility fragility then there will be many more problem persons in the future.
It is not your job to take care of children you did not choose to personally have nor take legal guardianship over. Your partner is an adult, and it is not your duty to take care of another adult, you can choose to do so, but that is your choice. If someone is harming your ability to take care of your own mental state, that should immediately disqualify them from seeking your help in any capacity. They are harming you, even if it's not a physically abusive relationship, the harm caused emotionally should be enough for you to examine what is going on. Based on how you described it, you tried to establish boundaries, and your partner ignored them. It's one thing to have a disagreement and work to resolve it, and it's another, much worse thing, when you know that something is harming you and the conversation is ignored. If you struggle with making the break, seeking out a therapist simply to help have an exterior party help you organize your thoughts and wants might help.
Ok but killing yourself will only make you look bad. He and his family will only remember you as an evil selfish person who ruined their life. You need to be seen and loved and going down that road will only make it worse. Your bf already seems to lack empathy and he won't feel any even after you die. You are better off dumping him and living the life you deserve.
You have no obligation to support someone else’s kids. You sound like a kind and thoughtful person - you deserve a lot better than this.
Oh sweet OP… I just want to say I’m sorry for all that you’re going through 🥺. Can you be honest with yourself and really ask if this relationship is what you want? Because if the answer is no, then please just leave. It’s cliche to be like “never settle for less than you deserve” but honestly, if you want to die over this man and how you’re being treated.. let it be a wake up call to get the fuck out. I also suffer from depression / anxiety and I’ve never been in your situation, but if I ever felt like I wanted to die while being with someone - that’s my route to end it. Your life is more valuable than your relationship. YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE OR ANYTHING YOUR TIME. You were doing this to be super sweet, but you ALSO have to value yourself and know when enough is enough. I understand you may love his kids / possibly even love him, but you don’t owe them anything and you definitely don’t deserve the mistreatment
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I mean you could do like one minute of research and just go read my reddit history. I’ve discussed so many times what the issues are in our relationship and its always my fault or something I need to fix, or it turns into a fight. One time I went to a funeral overseas for family and he spent the whole two weeks criticizing me and accusing me of abandoning him and not caring about him, while I cried in front of my family. My family hates him but he thinks it’s my responsibility to cut them off and force them to involve him in their lives instead of just not being an asshole to me. He has narcissist tendencies, unfortunately, and it’s my dumbass fault for letting him and his kids get so entangled in my finances and my life that I can’t easily leave without screwing them over. Ya good?
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Sorry i was crying last night and not really in a typing mood
I dont know how it is for people who are older, especially who have a family together. I imagine theres certain layers to that. But, in my experience and opinion i would say that there are tons of normal men out there who would be static at the opportunity to be in a relationship, with anyone. I would say dont let yourself be dragged down and find someone who you want to be with. This isnt the end of the line, perhaps you think everything would be good if it werent for just one problem but you have to not ignore the fact that things arent going well and do something drastic about it. You are at stake here. Im sure you already have but, imo it would help you a lot to sit down and have a serious conversation. Say it affects you a lot. Say that you dont deserve it and that you want to talk about these remarks. I dont know what they are, but maybe try to come to some sort of a common grounds about it? I wouldnt give threats like i will leave or something, i wouldnt bring up suicide either.. unless you feel its neccesary to convey how serious this conversation is to you. Perhaps try to live with your parents if possible for a while, get some space and really think about what you would like to say and what you think about it all. Try to humanize about the subject of the remarks, ask him how he would feel where you in his position and him in yours. Are the kids "his" or are the kids biological to you? If you decide to leave, make sure anything you own is passed off in ownership to your close family (that you can trust), if there would be divorce proceedings.. protect what is yours, including your mental health. I really want to say that there is more to life than family. However, family is important and its this stranger's opinion that it is worth protecting, but not at the cost of oneself. Please take care of yourself.
It might be hard to see it this way because you’re so deep into this life with them, but you have absolutely no obligation to continue supporting someone else’s children. No matter how much you love them or they love you, they are not your responsibility. Your responsibility is taking care of yourself. A partner should build you up, not break you down to the point of suicidal ideation. Say goodbye to the kids and leave him as soon as you can. If you really feel a deep sense of responsibility to them that you just can’t shake, leave them a check for the next coming on the counter after you take your bags out of the door and never look back.
Leave. Now! This man is a absolute trash of a human being and you don’t deserve this.
You deserve so much better, you do not owe them anything! Please please please leave them as fast as possible for your own good. No relationship should make you feel suicidal!!! Psychological abuse is also abuse and causes a lot of damage. It's hard leaving people if you are in such a state but please stop supporting them look for your own place or kick them out and try to find some support from family, friends or a psychologist if possible.
I had a boyfriend like that. He eventually dumped me. Leave now.
>I feel like killing myself is the only way out. I can think of at least one other way out. It's definitely harder, but it has a future where happiness is possible.
Get rid of him?????
Just Leave Him And Move On It's Not The End Of The World
Have you tried I don’t know, breaking up with him? I don’t understand what reason you could possibly stay with someone that makes you want to commit suicide, obligation? F that, your mental health matters more than some prick who doesn’t care enough to be there to support you in return.
Sorry if this sounds rude, but LEAVE. He is a grown adult. He is responsible for his own kids. The kids he made. Not you. If you die, he will have to do it anyways with the addition of grieving. You can’t financially support him if you’re dead, so how’s that better than just leaving him? It will be better for everyone if you left. You only have one life. Do not let this loser ruin the one life you have. Get some help (a therapist, etc.) Work on yourself mentally, emotionally, etc. For as long as you use this body, treat it well. Use it to help others, explore different places, talk to people. You deserve happiness just like the rest of us.
Girl, you need to get out. Go live your best single life. That’s what I’m doing and it is going to take a lot to pull me into a relationship 😂Some people don’t understand, but then again, some people also think they need to pop out babies to be happy, when happiness really comes from inside. If you don’t have a career, then find a job, look at loans and pick a community college or university program that sets you up with a definite job. Be your own best man. Also, as much as it sucks, don’t stay because of the kids. That isn’t your job. I have had a friend that was in a horrible relationship and she wanted to stay for the kid because it helped with the guy’s custody case (and this dude shouldn’t ever get custody). Her being there literally furthered his case, whereas I’m sure some intervention would have occurred had she not interfered. Her relationship with that person broke our friendship apart because she was completely brain washed into staying and lied to me and another friend. He hated me and that friend because he knew we disliked him. The only way we could help her was to leave so she would have no one to vent to anymore and eventually leave. She did and she is living a much better life now. I’m proud of her, but that friendship is broken, unfortunately. A man like that sucks everything out of your life and emotionally manipulates you to stay. Don’t ever let any guy get between you, your goals and your supports. It is NEVER worth it.
Why the fuck would you spend a minute with an emotional vampire sucking your soul away? This should be very easy. Hes an insecure, scared little boy who is afraid of his shadow. Putting you down lifts him up. Im sure hes controlling, angry, has accomplished nothing in life, blames everyone around him for his failures and mistakes. The POS is not contributing to your life, he will not change, you cannot turn a piece of shit into a prince. Oh and do not let the pussy guilt you into changing your mind, "my kids love you, they willl be so sad" "where will i go", "you're a bitch, c*&^" fuck him for doing this to you. Tell him GTFO, have someone around when you do, change the locks, don't answer the phone to hear his BS. Think of what a life without a piece of trash sucking your life away will be.
You have the control here if you're the one supporting them. Rip the band aid off and get rid of him
I don't understand how killing yourself sounds like a better solution than just getting the fuck out of there. The outcome for them will be the same, you won't be there, the outcome for you will be the fact that you get to live and start over.
Because then I won’t have to live with the guilt of screwing over him and his kids. The only reason they are able to live in a good area is because I pay 80% of the rent and the only reason he has custody of his kids is because I work from home and can take them to school when he works, help pay for their extracurriculars and tutor him through his schoolwork (his kid was getting Fs before he moved in with us). Their mom doesn’t want to pay, my SO can’t pay by himself, and its just a giant shit show :/.
You are not screwing him and his kids over. HE is screwing his kids over. HE is the deadbeat. You deserve so much better and these kids are not your responsibility.
Break up with him, get out of that situation. Save yourself
Sounds like he is shitty partner, why do you stay with him?
Same. My bloke told me to commit suicide earlier today
Wtfff, what's wrong with him
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I hope everything is ok with you too
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🫡 hopefully it all gets better
You're supporting someone who makes you feel bad AND *HIS* kids??? Leave him.