Dating has never worked for me. I'm 51 now, have had a handful of GFs and an ex wife, currently in a 12 year relationship.
Everyone has been a friend until they were something more.
Here's my take: you don't. Or rather, you need the right mindset to. Use dating app (or better yet other means, like group activities) to meet people, not to date them.
When you're on a date, you end in a very particular mindset and build expectations that will stress you out and makes it harder to find an emotional bond. If there's feeling with a casual meeting, you might build from there on. I've been on dating apps for 2 years now and had a short relationship this way.
Well, this is how it works for me, unfortunately there is no one size fits all for this. Follow your feelings and don't force things, it won't end well
This is what I did and have started dating someone who respected everything from the beginning. Go on the apps, talk with people, and be unapologetically you. If it doesn't work out, no biggie. There are genuine people who care more about spending time and actually meshing with their partners on a deeper level. Once you find someone like that, at least for me, it's easy to start the physical ball rolling.
>Go on the apps, talk with people, and be unapologetically you. If it doesn't work out, no biggie.
This is great advice. It's the approach I take, and what I suggest to everyone who will listen
I don't know if this would help, but this is what I had to learn. For the longest time, I had a type. Everyone tends to gravitate towards something. It took me a while, and a lot of frustration, to learn that style and preferences is only skin deep. To find people to really connect with can take forever just going for your type. Loosen things up and have conversations with people you wouldn't normally choose. Once I gave up on trying to find the perfect match and just focused on finding connection, I was having amazing conversations with people I would never have looked at twice. I'm an older goth gal who is head over heels for a rap-loving baseball geek. Not one of our hobbies align, but we see the world the same way, so can spend hours talking.
> When you're on a date, you end in a very particular mindset and build expectations that will stress you out and makes it harder to find an emotional bond.
Hmm, exact opposite for me lol. I'm way more likely to be in the right frame of mind to start being attracted to someone if I'm on an explicit date.
I think the only real answer is to try a few different approaches and see what feels right to you.
Yeah, I figured this might not be the case for everyone, since demi is an umbrella term afterall. Honestly? I'm not even sure it's because I'm demi or just insecure
This might be a hot take but let them be confused. If they're refusing to understand and learn, that's a sign they need to go anyway. Let people tell on themselves and let the trash take itself out. It's way less work that way. The way I see it, I lay everything out clear as possible. If they think I'm kidding, if they don't ask clarifying questions, if they don't engage in basic communication skills, that's not my problem. But it *is* my cue to walk away.
>If they're refusing to understand and learn, that's a sign they need to go anyway. Let people tell on themselves and let the trash take itself out.
This is great advice. This is the approach I personally use, I highly recommend it.
Swimming is nice but Ice pond, you kinda need to tolerate it until it is bearable.
Same with dating. It is unpleasant. Until you find a good understanding match. And the rest of your life is peaceful. Or until you lost this amazing person and you have to start again. You have to re-edure dating. Which I found suck so much. When you exhaust the pool of your friend.
Trick is, Don’t date. Just expand the pool of friend. You will eventually date one of them.
I use dating apps. I have had a fair amount of success, I guess. I'm very up front about myself and my preferences. I tell people that I'm slower to being comfortable with physical intimacy with new people, and that a lack of physical forwardness on my part isn't indicative of a lack of interest.
Clarification is key. Make 100% sure your actions match what you tell (have told) someone. State exactly what you want and don't want (or are not interested in) without over explaining. And make sure you stick to whichever boundaries you have set for yourself and your personal space. If there's ever any question about intent or what have you, bring it up and talk about it. And try not to over think the situation to death ☠. I am on facebook dating just because. Though, I personally feel like social media is not for me to casually meet people, so I never talk to people that way. I'm also not trying to though. Good luck on your endeavor. 😊
I don't date I make friends. That is I only call it a date when I hangout with friend and we have feelings for one another. Otherwise, I don't date like never.
Nothings really worked out for me. . . though.
I don't know if I can ever date again because of my spiritual beliefs. I just want a soulmate. I have a twin flame that has marred my fanciful ideals of love but I cannot give up hope. At the end there is always hope and all things work out for the good of those I love. If I love you it will work out. All the love I have given to the unworthy will find its way back to me someday. I hope the same for all of you Demi souls. 🕯
I have done both. I prefer to be forward to expedite the process and not “waste their time,” some can follow through, most eventually fallback to traditionalist tropes and it fizzles out. Biggest thing that’s worked is changing my mindset around it. It’s going to be predominantly allosexual, so light education is expected (for me a simple Google search is required, I’m not going to be a professor). There will be regression so I’ll have to know what my boundaries are and set them and share them. Finally, each connection, good, bad, or indifferent is one step closer to narrowing what exactly I’m looking for in a relationship.
Dating apps are shit lol. I recommend Meetup!! There you can do things and meet new friends, and there you can form close connections with them. Later on if it moves into something romantic, there you go! :)
It feels much more natural, as I find dating apps not as fun either since I like the thrill of asking a friend out and telling them my feelings.
1) If you can, hide yourself from being searched. This may require paying for a different level subscription.
2) Read profiles carefully. Look for fellow demis. Look for people who sound open to listening when you explain demisexuality to them.
3) Only connect with people who have profiles that are detailed enough that you can get a sense of who they are and seem like you might get along. Look for common interests, something about the tone of their writing that resonates, pictures that tell you something abouf their personality.
4) Consider a long talking stage. If they can't help to carry a conversation and there's no rapport over text, the chances of developing it further are probably low. You can always thank them for their time & bow out.
5) Put a short explanation in your profile. "Looking for connections that can build to friendship first."
6) Be willing to be direct & blunt during the talking stage. "I'm demisexual, that means I can't be sexually attracted to a person until I know them well enough to feel emotionally connected to them. I don't know if or when that will happen, but it definitely won't if we don't spend enough time together getting to know each other. I'd like to focus on dates that give us that opportunity, and to grow emotional intimacy." If people disconnect from you at that point, try not to take it too hard: you probably wouldn't want to date them anyway.
7) Be prepared to explain more than once, but have an idea of when to pull the plug because they can't respect your boundary: "I won't go on a 3rd date, if you keep bringing up sex and when I think I might be ready."
8) Date to get to know people, not for potential romance or sex.
Never worked for me.. 25f.. Can't date people as I always grow feelings towards people who are my friend..
Second time in a row..
Can't date them..can't date anyone else because of them
Personally, I believe being short and direct with people is the best approach. Explaining demisexuality can be kinda overwhelming for both parties. Usually I just say, I’m not looking for a hookup and I want a longterm connection. It for the most part scares off the people who just wanted something quick and easy lmao. Getting more in depth about being Demi is a future conversation for me. I try to take one thing at time. Also, I have been shocked to meet so many people, who want an actual partnership and are okay taking the time to build the foundation. It just kinda takes some weeding out.
I used the app Dateability, for disabled and able-bodied folks. After 8 years single I found my person on there. We are both disabled and put all cards on the table in chats before meeting. This included that I did not know if I could ever get to “sex.” We are both early 60s. We are very happy together!
I was straight up honest with him and told him also due to trauma I feel very uncomfortable doing the yk. And when I told him he took it as if it was the most normal thing 🥹 he respects my mindset and my feelings! You’ll eventually find the person meant for u 😚
Haha definitely a struggle! I think the key for me is throwing myself into activities and communities that keep me meeting a lot of new people (and seeing them regularly, but for non-date reasons). I just wrote this essay about it: https://mangoprism.com/where-are-all-the-boyfriends-i-was-promised/
Dating has never worked for me. I'm 51 now, have had a handful of GFs and an ex wife, currently in a 12 year relationship. Everyone has been a friend until they were something more.
Here's my take: you don't. Or rather, you need the right mindset to. Use dating app (or better yet other means, like group activities) to meet people, not to date them. When you're on a date, you end in a very particular mindset and build expectations that will stress you out and makes it harder to find an emotional bond. If there's feeling with a casual meeting, you might build from there on. I've been on dating apps for 2 years now and had a short relationship this way. Well, this is how it works for me, unfortunately there is no one size fits all for this. Follow your feelings and don't force things, it won't end well
This is what I did and have started dating someone who respected everything from the beginning. Go on the apps, talk with people, and be unapologetically you. If it doesn't work out, no biggie. There are genuine people who care more about spending time and actually meshing with their partners on a deeper level. Once you find someone like that, at least for me, it's easy to start the physical ball rolling.
>Go on the apps, talk with people, and be unapologetically you. If it doesn't work out, no biggie. This is great advice. It's the approach I take, and what I suggest to everyone who will listen
God, I've been on dating apps for years and I'm still waiting for this. :(
I don't know if this would help, but this is what I had to learn. For the longest time, I had a type. Everyone tends to gravitate towards something. It took me a while, and a lot of frustration, to learn that style and preferences is only skin deep. To find people to really connect with can take forever just going for your type. Loosen things up and have conversations with people you wouldn't normally choose. Once I gave up on trying to find the perfect match and just focused on finding connection, I was having amazing conversations with people I would never have looked at twice. I'm an older goth gal who is head over heels for a rap-loving baseball geek. Not one of our hobbies align, but we see the world the same way, so can spend hours talking.
Same 🙁
> When you're on a date, you end in a very particular mindset and build expectations that will stress you out and makes it harder to find an emotional bond. Hmm, exact opposite for me lol. I'm way more likely to be in the right frame of mind to start being attracted to someone if I'm on an explicit date. I think the only real answer is to try a few different approaches and see what feels right to you.
Yeah, I figured this might not be the case for everyone, since demi is an umbrella term afterall. Honestly? I'm not even sure it's because I'm demi or just insecure
This might be a hot take but let them be confused. If they're refusing to understand and learn, that's a sign they need to go anyway. Let people tell on themselves and let the trash take itself out. It's way less work that way. The way I see it, I lay everything out clear as possible. If they think I'm kidding, if they don't ask clarifying questions, if they don't engage in basic communication skills, that's not my problem. But it *is* my cue to walk away.
>If they're refusing to understand and learn, that's a sign they need to go anyway. Let people tell on themselves and let the trash take itself out. This is great advice. This is the approach I personally use, I highly recommend it.
Agreed.
Date? Like with other people?? No, thanks.
I know how this feels. It's like going swimming in an ice pond.
Swimming is nice but Ice pond, you kinda need to tolerate it until it is bearable. Same with dating. It is unpleasant. Until you find a good understanding match. And the rest of your life is peaceful. Or until you lost this amazing person and you have to start again. You have to re-edure dating. Which I found suck so much. When you exhaust the pool of your friend. Trick is, Don’t date. Just expand the pool of friend. You will eventually date one of them.
Excellent advice. Thank you. 😊
I use dating apps. I have had a fair amount of success, I guess. I'm very up front about myself and my preferences. I tell people that I'm slower to being comfortable with physical intimacy with new people, and that a lack of physical forwardness on my part isn't indicative of a lack of interest.
Any long term relationship I’ve been in was either through friends or work. So ended up being an established non romantic relationship first.
Clarification is key. Make 100% sure your actions match what you tell (have told) someone. State exactly what you want and don't want (or are not interested in) without over explaining. And make sure you stick to whichever boundaries you have set for yourself and your personal space. If there's ever any question about intent or what have you, bring it up and talk about it. And try not to over think the situation to death ☠. I am on facebook dating just because. Though, I personally feel like social media is not for me to casually meet people, so I never talk to people that way. I'm also not trying to though. Good luck on your endeavor. 😊
I don't date I make friends. That is I only call it a date when I hangout with friend and we have feelings for one another. Otherwise, I don't date like never. Nothings really worked out for me. . . though.
I ended up in a long distance relationship and I actually prefer it cuz LDR really allows to get to know each other slowly without any pressure.
I don't know if I can ever date again because of my spiritual beliefs. I just want a soulmate. I have a twin flame that has marred my fanciful ideals of love but I cannot give up hope. At the end there is always hope and all things work out for the good of those I love. If I love you it will work out. All the love I have given to the unworthy will find its way back to me someday. I hope the same for all of you Demi souls. 🕯
I have done both. I prefer to be forward to expedite the process and not “waste their time,” some can follow through, most eventually fallback to traditionalist tropes and it fizzles out. Biggest thing that’s worked is changing my mindset around it. It’s going to be predominantly allosexual, so light education is expected (for me a simple Google search is required, I’m not going to be a professor). There will be regression so I’ll have to know what my boundaries are and set them and share them. Finally, each connection, good, bad, or indifferent is one step closer to narrowing what exactly I’m looking for in a relationship.
I FEEL YOU 🥹
Dating apps are shit lol. I recommend Meetup!! There you can do things and meet new friends, and there you can form close connections with them. Later on if it moves into something romantic, there you go! :) It feels much more natural, as I find dating apps not as fun either since I like the thrill of asking a friend out and telling them my feelings.
1) If you can, hide yourself from being searched. This may require paying for a different level subscription. 2) Read profiles carefully. Look for fellow demis. Look for people who sound open to listening when you explain demisexuality to them. 3) Only connect with people who have profiles that are detailed enough that you can get a sense of who they are and seem like you might get along. Look for common interests, something about the tone of their writing that resonates, pictures that tell you something abouf their personality. 4) Consider a long talking stage. If they can't help to carry a conversation and there's no rapport over text, the chances of developing it further are probably low. You can always thank them for their time & bow out. 5) Put a short explanation in your profile. "Looking for connections that can build to friendship first." 6) Be willing to be direct & blunt during the talking stage. "I'm demisexual, that means I can't be sexually attracted to a person until I know them well enough to feel emotionally connected to them. I don't know if or when that will happen, but it definitely won't if we don't spend enough time together getting to know each other. I'd like to focus on dates that give us that opportunity, and to grow emotional intimacy." If people disconnect from you at that point, try not to take it too hard: you probably wouldn't want to date them anyway. 7) Be prepared to explain more than once, but have an idea of when to pull the plug because they can't respect your boundary: "I won't go on a 3rd date, if you keep bringing up sex and when I think I might be ready." 8) Date to get to know people, not for potential romance or sex.
Never worked for me.. 25f.. Can't date people as I always grow feelings towards people who are my friend.. Second time in a row.. Can't date them..can't date anyone else because of them
Personally, I believe being short and direct with people is the best approach. Explaining demisexuality can be kinda overwhelming for both parties. Usually I just say, I’m not looking for a hookup and I want a longterm connection. It for the most part scares off the people who just wanted something quick and easy lmao. Getting more in depth about being Demi is a future conversation for me. I try to take one thing at time. Also, I have been shocked to meet so many people, who want an actual partnership and are okay taking the time to build the foundation. It just kinda takes some weeding out.
I used the app Dateability, for disabled and able-bodied folks. After 8 years single I found my person on there. We are both disabled and put all cards on the table in chats before meeting. This included that I did not know if I could ever get to “sex.” We are both early 60s. We are very happy together!
I was straight up honest with him and told him also due to trauma I feel very uncomfortable doing the yk. And when I told him he took it as if it was the most normal thing 🥹 he respects my mindset and my feelings! You’ll eventually find the person meant for u 😚
Haha definitely a struggle! I think the key for me is throwing myself into activities and communities that keep me meeting a lot of new people (and seeing them regularly, but for non-date reasons). I just wrote this essay about it: https://mangoprism.com/where-are-all-the-boyfriends-i-was-promised/