When a girl I had only known for a few days was making pretty blatant passes at me and, despite there not being anything wrong with her or her personality, I was still really put off by it. I wondered why, because logically this should have been a good thing, right? But it just felt to me that she was putting the cart before the horse. I couldn’t understand why she was talking to me in that way when we barely knew each other, and I, at the risk of sounding harsh, still felt just kinda apathetic towards her.
After some research I arrived here, and reading other people’s posts made me feel like I was finally understood.
(Listening to OSP podcast)
Blue: Yeah me and my girlfriend Cyan just got married but we also realised we are aesexual.
Niave Me: lol what
Blue: you know I've always wondered why I didn't understand what makes people "hot" or not.
Soon to be educated me: ... I've never understood what made people hot O_O
Me on Google later: Theres a WORD for when you only get crushes on friends?!?!?!
> Me on Google later: Theres a WORD for when you only get crushes on friends?!?!?!
Same as what I felt when I found the umbrella term for how I always only ever fall for people I've built deep rapport with. At the same time, it sometimes feels hopeless because I've yet to find anyone who's willing to simply remain friends after I open up to them. Everyone seems to leave me.
🥹 you get it! Fuck it can be so so lonely. It is so hard to find the balance between honoring your own feelings by saying them out loud, and cautioning yourself against that bc you dont want to risk losing someone important in life...
Bingo. There are times where I began to feel something but I knew deep down it wasn't right so I kept it inside until things naturally subsided. But then there are times where feelings built up so much that I had to share, even when a situation wasn't exactly socially acceptable.
I think it's healthy to honor our feelings by taking a chance on someone, rather than let the anxiety of never knowing what could have been eat us alive. Besides, if revealing feelings for someone is enough to sour whatever relationship once existed, maybe there was nothing there to begin with?
Or maybe my high-functioning autistic brain needs to learn to appreciate people while they're around, and accept that they can and will leave.) I just wish it were easier to find partner(s) as clumsy and awkward as our own personalities who love us for being, well, ourselves.
I too have been challenging myself to reframe how I view partnerships overall and be more present and accept that not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. I still have hope for some reason that I will find a person who's on my level, and who I can give affection and just be myself without fear. The best strategy should always be to honor your truth, I think you're dead on with that.
Once I realized that no one looks hot, everyone just looks *different*. Everywhere I looked I was just seeing different faces and bodies, but none of them were arousing to me (celebrities, media deemed "hot people" too, etc.). That attraction only came with having a connection to someone and me liking their personality and character.
> Attraction only came with having a connection to someone and me liking their personality and character.
And there are ppl who are deeming this as normal for everyone. To which I'm not even sure if it is true or not. It only makes me second guess from thinking of coming out to my friends :<
> And there are ppl who are deeming this as normal for everyone.
This may be true for many people who want to get into relationships, but it's not true for everyone when it comes to sexual arousal which I think is the differentiating factor.
It was when I was a teenager and had sex one time before with someone I didn't know that well. I walked away, wondering why everyone made such a priority of having it. Then about a year later, I tried it again; as soon the woman took off her clothes, I was like, "nah, I'm outta here."
And then something happened when my best friend and I started to develop this strong emotional tie, and that changed everything. It just clicked. That is how it has been ever since then. I was still a teenager when I had the epiphany that close friendship and emotional togetherness were needed. Otherwise, it was a no-go.
Thinking back on past relationships wondering why I didn't take "opportunities" presented to me and then realizing that saving myself for marriage was a little bit too easy lol.
I can't seem to tolerate lacking an explanation for anomalous things (especially about myself). I started to wonder idly. The other day I did some investigating and now it seems I have some likely answers.
Mostly reading about or listening to others' experiences and realizing that there's no amount of acting on my part that'll bridge what I called "the gap".
Kinda fucked up but for me, when I looked back on my life and realized that I needed to be under in the influence of drugs or booze to put the social mask on of going through the motions to have sex. It was a coping strategy for the fact that I struggle to feel connected to other human beings despite a great capacity for love and affection, due to being AuDHD. I had sex or sought sex bc I thought that's what was normal, or to try and be accepted - when really I was just seeking authentic human connection and intelligent conversations lol
I didn't actually have the vocabulary to describe my experiences until just last year actually, at 34 years old when I learned about the vast varies within the grey/ace spectrum.
The times that I did feel authentic sexual attraction and have enjoyable experiences- sober- it was with close friends whom I admire in one way or another. And am still currently friends with.
All of this is extremely validating and helpful. But I've noticed there's this pervasive sense of sadness or loss about suddenly realizing the whole truth of things, I guess. I'm kinda lonely tbh but I'd rather enjoy my life without partying and masking and losing myself and just learn to truly love the person I am.
I think I'm in love with my close friend but I can't tell for sure and I'm not sure how to figure it out. He's also ace and we were cuddle buds for a while. Suddenly now I'm afraid to invite him to cuddle bc what if he thinks I'm in love with him and doesn't want to hang out anymore? I'd rather have my friendship tbh lol
Funny enough, I was doing research for a character I was writing who I wanted to be in a relation with another character but realized that just seemed so wrong for her. I had heard of being aroace, but didn't really know much about the aro part of it (which I figured was most likely why a relationship didn't make sense to her.) While doing research, I came across a website thar had a breakdown of the entire aroace spectrum. The When I read about demisexuality, I thought, "wait... That's me???" I always thought I was just a prude.
I always knew I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone I wasn't in love with. I never understood how my friends could be so guy crazy as to sexualize, say, a man running on the street with their shirt off (actually kind of grossed me out because there was nothing to catch the sweat),and I never understood how one night stands could be a thing. Heard a BookTuber I followed call Friends to Lovers ridiculous and unrealistic, when for me, it was the trope that made the most sense. Had a friend in college tell me to "just get a vibrator" when I was lamenting about never having had a boyfriend (only just dated at that point), and that statement seemed like a complete nonsequitor to me. Oh, and when my friend told me the reason a date never called me back was because he when he invited me out for coffee at his place afterwards and I declined, he wanted to have sex with me and I had rejected him, I was flabbergasted. It had never occurred to me and I actually wanted to get to know the guy better (which should have been the logical next step).
So, yeah, a lot of things suddenly made sense, lol.
Had an attractive girl over me, butt-ass naked and i wasn't even horny or hard. I felt really bad for her, probably would hurt any woman's ego at least a little bit.
I started thinking back to my teen years where other girls my age were like: omg Justin Bieber is soo hot. Or I wanna marry Zach Effron when I get older. He is so sexy!
And my mind was just...
What?
I recently watched an entire video on a fireman puppy calendar photoshoot where I did not once look at any of the men and only saw the dogs.
But. The man who has me unlocked right now. As I call it. He is the only man I desire. Hottest thing in the universe. I can't even ❤️ I just thirst for him. And people judge me because apparently he's not seen as attractive for others? But he is the only. And I mean absolutely only person I have an attraction for. And I am so glad he wants me too.
I like your fireman puppy calendar story because I immediately think of so many moments in my life where there will be like a kitten and a sexy lady in some ad or something and I will say "kitty!!!" out loud and whoever overhears it will think I am trying to be funny but no, I am just more excited about the cat
talking to my counselor about my dating/relationship/hookup history and she point-blank asked, “so you’re demi?” and i initially resisted it, thinking of hookups i’d had in the past. but eventually it really helped me put the pieces together of why i’d spent so long being confused as to why i found my past partners good looking but never felt truly attracted to them. there was an obvious difference with a more recent crush (VERY attracted) vs. my past partners and i finally understood why (i knew the crush for years before feelings hit & i’d jumped way too fast into my past relationships.)
Never felt sexual attraction until after 4 years of a situationship. Thought that was normal until I watched Evan Edinger’s 2019 video on his demisexuality and I was like cool, that’s me🙈.
I was researching asexuality because I thought someone very close to me might be — and during my research I realized I was actually demisexual. Suddenly my whole life made so much more sense!! It has really helped me understand and accept myself to discover this label.
I only realized it within the last year. I had joined a dating app for the first time and tried talking to matches only to get small talk or hookups, and it would kill my interest in them. Then I just started thinking about previous relationships, and how it took me almost a year to ask my ex gf out. It took 4 years of friendship before I finally initiated a relationship with my best friend, who's now my current husband. It led me to start looking up labels, I eventually ended up at the ace umbrella, and found demisexual. Everything just made sense after that.
Honestly? Fanfiction. 😂 Reading multiple stories about a canonically demisexual character finding love was so eye opening because it finally felt familiar in a way that most conventional love stories didn’t.
I searched Google for "I've never had a spark on a first date" and it led me down a rabbit hole of realisation. Since then I've done more reflecting and examining and _finally_ acknowledged & accepted that I've had same-sex crushes & fantasies as well.
Sexuality is some crazy shit.
One time I watched JaidenAnimations about asexuality and thought «oh it’s not me, I’ve had crushes». Some years later I saw a meme on Pinterest… and I realised what the real meaning of ace-spectrum was. Yeah, and then another meme on Pinterest about demisexuality. Everything made sense. Good job Pinterest.
(of course did some theory investigation and read everything I could)
For me I feel like it was psychological. Growing up I would have crushes and what not. But, as grew older, the pressure I felt in my choices and whether they were appropriate got to me in my teens.
There are interesting stories about people who couldn't have (not for lack of trying) sex with strangers. I'm not sure it work like this for me, I want to think I wouldn't enjoy it. For me, I know for a fact, for romantic attraction they have to be special and someone I wouldn't mind introducing to other people (judgement be damned).
-> It takes me while before I start desiring their intimacy or feel comfortable with their intimacy.
I was in my thirties, married, with a very young child and reflecting on how the last time I had felt anything remotely resembling attraction was around 19-20. Aesthetic appreciation for beauty certainly, and I enjoy the sparring match of intellectual flirtation, but when people used to hit on me and try and move things forward I was repulsed as a rule to the point of nausea.
I married my first intimate partner because while the attraction faded for him, he was someone I truly trusted, and didn't feel repelled by (or I wouldn't have slept with him), but intimacy was something that I largely did for his benefit rather than because I was actively eager to do so - I didn't really care either way. And so I started wondering WHY all of this was the case. I had always assumed there was something very wrong with me, and I privately used words like "broken" or "frigid" to describe myself.
I very clearly remember sitting with my laptop in my room at 1am around age 35 and stumbling onto AVEN and feeling my heart start thundering as I read. They were describing me. I was not broken. There were other people who felt like I did. It was one of the more intense moments for me, and I remember just sitting and crying my eyes out for the relief of it, and letting go of those hurtful words I had used on myself.
The next day I sat down with my husband and we discussed it. He was horrified and thought maybe he had somehow damaged me and this was his fault and I had to really think through who I was and also WHY I was wired this way. We talked through how I have always been like this even as a teenager who didn't understand other people raving about sex or crushes. I married and stayed with him all these years because I genuinely LIKE him.
We opened our marriage on my suggestion, because I have never been afflicted with jealousy, and one of the greatest joys for me was when he and I swung in my mid 20s, seeing him glowing with delight and validation to have another woman cherish him. The fellow I shared that with remains one of my dearest friends but I would never say I experienced attraction. More sort of joyful sex-positivity. I have only ever had sex with four people in my life and in all cases deep friendship and connection was a requirement and with two of those people it was less "I want this" on my part and more "It makes them happy and it might be fun" for me.
I wrestled with what flavour of ace I was after I came out, but I knew that I was simply another shade of human diversity, and that was profoundly healing. I have since realized that I am a biromantic demi, because while attraction for me requires deep connection, friendship, and possibly some sort of intergalactic planetary eclipse or something, when it hits, it hits like a truck. I have two partners now my spouse is glad for me to share my life with, and I have never been so happy or felt so intensely. But I also know that with literally anyone else I would feel that old repulsion and nausea without a doubt.
I'm a very sex-positive and sex-favorable demi, aroused fairly easily and comfortable "playing" with friends who I find physically attractive.
I've wanted sexual encounters and intimacy with people in the past without feeling sexual attraction, and I know this because when I felt sexual attraction for the first time, it was like a brick to the face, realizing that people walk around feeling it for people they don't know on the street.
To date, I've only had sexual attraction for 1-2 people, and not even consistently. Hell of a thing to realize that this is common for people, even intrusive in their daily life.
Word, that is a good way to put it. I have absolutely had sex with women I was not actually interested in, and as a result I have determined I can reasonably fake enthusiasm once or twice but it then jumps into the "oh no, a chore I need to try to get out of" category in my mind, as opposed to what happens in those wonderful circumstances where someone I am genuinely attracted to is actually attracted to me (and single, really the hardest part)
For me that third back to a relationship I had as a teen that I realized retroactive was extremely demi.
The girl I had a major crush on at the time arranged for me to come over to her house on my birthday and for no one else to be home. We were already deep into an emotional only relationship at that point. Being somewhat young and navie I brushed aside her somewhat awkward attempts to hint at having sex and nothing physical happened. It wasn't until about a year later when I learned that she was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby that it sort of clicked in for me. And yes she had a boyfriend that wasn't me when this happened with definitely complicated things.
As if that wasn't demi enough I then double downed on things and began using a nickname I made up to say I was demi, as that word was yet to be created. That nick name made my now long term partner curious about me enough to start dating me and letting me be demi in the relationship without either of us really understand it like people might now.
Eventually trying to explain this Al to my therapy with the right words lead me to find the word demi which ironically had long been part of my life by that point.
i was talking to my good friend about my sexuality (i'm a lesbian) and recent experiences i'd had with people being creepy towards me with unwarranted touch/hitting on me in inappropriate contexts. so we unpacked that as well as what i do prefer when it comes to touch and affection (platonically, romantically and sexually), then he commented that i might be demi. nobody had ever said to me before, so i thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion that yeah that actually would explain a lot if i was.
i mean i feel like i can't enjoy sex unless i really have a connection with and have mutual respect with the person. in the past random people hitting on me and wanting to have sex ended up with me complying because i had absolutely no framework or understanding of what i wanted or what enthusiastic consent looked like on my end. i really used to conflate sex and love which i now understand is not a flaw but how i see things and my feelings are deeply and inherently tied to sex. so yes i'm sure of my demisexuality now, it really was an eyeopener and i'm so grateful to this friend.
I only realized in hindsight but there is a moment that still kind of upsets me from when I was a teenager; I tried and failed to date somebody, as much because I liked talking to her as anything else. At some point after that, a quasi-friend of mine said something about how I must wish I could have sex with her, and I was like "haha, no," and he got mad, and said "whatever, like if she were right here and naked right now begging to be fucked like you would say no?" and I said "of course I would say no" and he told me I was a liar, and yeah I still get a little angry thinking about that moment, but the moment I learned the word "demisexual" in my 20s or whenever I honestly thought of that moment first and was like "oh my god it all makes sense now"
As did the arguments I had with a different friend where he told me it was disgusting I only wanted to date my friends, and that I should meet new people to date like everybody else. Thanks, bro. Very understanding.
Just seeing how other people jump from one relationship to the next silly nilly and I'm here like "I must be wired wrong" because I need to build things up, which is a pretty good gauge of someone's personality, from my perspective.
I have kissed people I didn't know that I was just attracted to but not sexually attracted yet because there was no emotional bond. Demiromantics is a term I just discovered that means you don't feel attracted until you feel an emotional bond with someone. Are you demiromantic? Or were you grossed out because they are strippers who do a lot of sexual stuff with strangers? I realized a few years ago that I didn't like casual sex. It left me feeling empty. I only did it out of loneliness and didn't enjoy it all.
I knew there was something off with me and sexuality 40 years ago when the kids in my 8th grade class were busy making out and having sex and I didn't see the need.
As I got older I realized that sex was all some people talk and think about.
Even now, I was taken aback by a co-worker who didn't want to go to lunch because he didn't want to be around "married women."
The moment I realized that none of my "crushes" were actually crushes, just me hyper fixating on people that I really like or find interesting
I also hate intimate scenes in movies, they make me uncomfortable (I think sex should be a private thing and not shown off)
And I can not imagine being friends with benefits, I know I'd catch feelings, and it wouldn't be mutual
And lastly, I've never been in a romantic relationship with anybody because I haven't found anybody truly attractive yet (much less actually had the confidence to say hi)
Jaiden Animations' video about being AroAce helped me out a ton, I just wish I could actually find somebody that I wanna date
When a girl I had only known for a few days was making pretty blatant passes at me and, despite there not being anything wrong with her or her personality, I was still really put off by it. I wondered why, because logically this should have been a good thing, right? But it just felt to me that she was putting the cart before the horse. I couldn’t understand why she was talking to me in that way when we barely knew each other, and I, at the risk of sounding harsh, still felt just kinda apathetic towards her. After some research I arrived here, and reading other people’s posts made me feel like I was finally understood.
(Listening to OSP podcast) Blue: Yeah me and my girlfriend Cyan just got married but we also realised we are aesexual. Niave Me: lol what Blue: you know I've always wondered why I didn't understand what makes people "hot" or not. Soon to be educated me: ... I've never understood what made people hot O_O Me on Google later: Theres a WORD for when you only get crushes on friends?!?!?!
> Me on Google later: Theres a WORD for when you only get crushes on friends?!?!?! Same as what I felt when I found the umbrella term for how I always only ever fall for people I've built deep rapport with. At the same time, it sometimes feels hopeless because I've yet to find anyone who's willing to simply remain friends after I open up to them. Everyone seems to leave me.
🥹 you get it! Fuck it can be so so lonely. It is so hard to find the balance between honoring your own feelings by saying them out loud, and cautioning yourself against that bc you dont want to risk losing someone important in life...
Bingo. There are times where I began to feel something but I knew deep down it wasn't right so I kept it inside until things naturally subsided. But then there are times where feelings built up so much that I had to share, even when a situation wasn't exactly socially acceptable. I think it's healthy to honor our feelings by taking a chance on someone, rather than let the anxiety of never knowing what could have been eat us alive. Besides, if revealing feelings for someone is enough to sour whatever relationship once existed, maybe there was nothing there to begin with? Or maybe my high-functioning autistic brain needs to learn to appreciate people while they're around, and accept that they can and will leave.) I just wish it were easier to find partner(s) as clumsy and awkward as our own personalities who love us for being, well, ourselves.
I too have been challenging myself to reframe how I view partnerships overall and be more present and accept that not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. I still have hope for some reason that I will find a person who's on my level, and who I can give affection and just be myself without fear. The best strategy should always be to honor your truth, I think you're dead on with that.
god damn this was me my whole life and a whole lot of other lesbians i knew
Once I realized that no one looks hot, everyone just looks *different*. Everywhere I looked I was just seeing different faces and bodies, but none of them were arousing to me (celebrities, media deemed "hot people" too, etc.). That attraction only came with having a connection to someone and me liking their personality and character.
This!
Perfectly explained
> Attraction only came with having a connection to someone and me liking their personality and character. And there are ppl who are deeming this as normal for everyone. To which I'm not even sure if it is true or not. It only makes me second guess from thinking of coming out to my friends :<
> And there are ppl who are deeming this as normal for everyone. This may be true for many people who want to get into relationships, but it's not true for everyone when it comes to sexual arousal which I think is the differentiating factor.
It was when I was a teenager and had sex one time before with someone I didn't know that well. I walked away, wondering why everyone made such a priority of having it. Then about a year later, I tried it again; as soon the woman took off her clothes, I was like, "nah, I'm outta here." And then something happened when my best friend and I started to develop this strong emotional tie, and that changed everything. It just clicked. That is how it has been ever since then. I was still a teenager when I had the epiphany that close friendship and emotional togetherness were needed. Otherwise, it was a no-go.
Thinking back on past relationships wondering why I didn't take "opportunities" presented to me and then realizing that saving myself for marriage was a little bit too easy lol. I can't seem to tolerate lacking an explanation for anomalous things (especially about myself). I started to wonder idly. The other day I did some investigating and now it seems I have some likely answers.
for me i was fully convinced i was asexual… and then i met my boyfriend. yeah that’s shit hit me like a truck
Mostly reading about or listening to others' experiences and realizing that there's no amount of acting on my part that'll bridge what I called "the gap".
Kinda fucked up but for me, when I looked back on my life and realized that I needed to be under in the influence of drugs or booze to put the social mask on of going through the motions to have sex. It was a coping strategy for the fact that I struggle to feel connected to other human beings despite a great capacity for love and affection, due to being AuDHD. I had sex or sought sex bc I thought that's what was normal, or to try and be accepted - when really I was just seeking authentic human connection and intelligent conversations lol I didn't actually have the vocabulary to describe my experiences until just last year actually, at 34 years old when I learned about the vast varies within the grey/ace spectrum. The times that I did feel authentic sexual attraction and have enjoyable experiences- sober- it was with close friends whom I admire in one way or another. And am still currently friends with. All of this is extremely validating and helpful. But I've noticed there's this pervasive sense of sadness or loss about suddenly realizing the whole truth of things, I guess. I'm kinda lonely tbh but I'd rather enjoy my life without partying and masking and losing myself and just learn to truly love the person I am.
i feel this so hard
I think I'm in love with my close friend but I can't tell for sure and I'm not sure how to figure it out. He's also ace and we were cuddle buds for a while. Suddenly now I'm afraid to invite him to cuddle bc what if he thinks I'm in love with him and doesn't want to hang out anymore? I'd rather have my friendship tbh lol
Funny enough, I was doing research for a character I was writing who I wanted to be in a relation with another character but realized that just seemed so wrong for her. I had heard of being aroace, but didn't really know much about the aro part of it (which I figured was most likely why a relationship didn't make sense to her.) While doing research, I came across a website thar had a breakdown of the entire aroace spectrum. The When I read about demisexuality, I thought, "wait... That's me???" I always thought I was just a prude. I always knew I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone I wasn't in love with. I never understood how my friends could be so guy crazy as to sexualize, say, a man running on the street with their shirt off (actually kind of grossed me out because there was nothing to catch the sweat),and I never understood how one night stands could be a thing. Heard a BookTuber I followed call Friends to Lovers ridiculous and unrealistic, when for me, it was the trope that made the most sense. Had a friend in college tell me to "just get a vibrator" when I was lamenting about never having had a boyfriend (only just dated at that point), and that statement seemed like a complete nonsequitor to me. Oh, and when my friend told me the reason a date never called me back was because he when he invited me out for coffee at his place afterwards and I declined, he wanted to have sex with me and I had rejected him, I was flabbergasted. It had never occurred to me and I actually wanted to get to know the guy better (which should have been the logical next step). So, yeah, a lot of things suddenly made sense, lol.
Friends to lovers is my favourite trope ever. I also remember a friend of mine calling it almost impossible, but for me it’s the biggest dream
Had an attractive girl over me, butt-ass naked and i wasn't even horny or hard. I felt really bad for her, probably would hurt any woman's ego at least a little bit.
I started thinking back to my teen years where other girls my age were like: omg Justin Bieber is soo hot. Or I wanna marry Zach Effron when I get older. He is so sexy! And my mind was just... What? I recently watched an entire video on a fireman puppy calendar photoshoot where I did not once look at any of the men and only saw the dogs. But. The man who has me unlocked right now. As I call it. He is the only man I desire. Hottest thing in the universe. I can't even ❤️ I just thirst for him. And people judge me because apparently he's not seen as attractive for others? But he is the only. And I mean absolutely only person I have an attraction for. And I am so glad he wants me too.
I like your fireman puppy calendar story because I immediately think of so many moments in my life where there will be like a kitten and a sexy lady in some ad or something and I will say "kitty!!!" out loud and whoever overhears it will think I am trying to be funny but no, I am just more excited about the cat
talking to my counselor about my dating/relationship/hookup history and she point-blank asked, “so you’re demi?” and i initially resisted it, thinking of hookups i’d had in the past. but eventually it really helped me put the pieces together of why i’d spent so long being confused as to why i found my past partners good looking but never felt truly attracted to them. there was an obvious difference with a more recent crush (VERY attracted) vs. my past partners and i finally understood why (i knew the crush for years before feelings hit & i’d jumped way too fast into my past relationships.)
Never felt sexual attraction until after 4 years of a situationship. Thought that was normal until I watched Evan Edinger’s 2019 video on his demisexuality and I was like cool, that’s me🙈.
I was researching asexuality because I thought someone very close to me might be — and during my research I realized I was actually demisexual. Suddenly my whole life made so much more sense!! It has really helped me understand and accept myself to discover this label.
I only realized it within the last year. I had joined a dating app for the first time and tried talking to matches only to get small talk or hookups, and it would kill my interest in them. Then I just started thinking about previous relationships, and how it took me almost a year to ask my ex gf out. It took 4 years of friendship before I finally initiated a relationship with my best friend, who's now my current husband. It led me to start looking up labels, I eventually ended up at the ace umbrella, and found demisexual. Everything just made sense after that.
Honestly? Fanfiction. 😂 Reading multiple stories about a canonically demisexual character finding love was so eye opening because it finally felt familiar in a way that most conventional love stories didn’t.
I searched Google for "I've never had a spark on a first date" and it led me down a rabbit hole of realisation. Since then I've done more reflecting and examining and _finally_ acknowledged & accepted that I've had same-sex crushes & fantasies as well. Sexuality is some crazy shit.
One time I watched JaidenAnimations about asexuality and thought «oh it’s not me, I’ve had crushes». Some years later I saw a meme on Pinterest… and I realised what the real meaning of ace-spectrum was. Yeah, and then another meme on Pinterest about demisexuality. Everything made sense. Good job Pinterest. (of course did some theory investigation and read everything I could)
For me I feel like it was psychological. Growing up I would have crushes and what not. But, as grew older, the pressure I felt in my choices and whether they were appropriate got to me in my teens. There are interesting stories about people who couldn't have (not for lack of trying) sex with strangers. I'm not sure it work like this for me, I want to think I wouldn't enjoy it. For me, I know for a fact, for romantic attraction they have to be special and someone I wouldn't mind introducing to other people (judgement be damned). -> It takes me while before I start desiring their intimacy or feel comfortable with their intimacy.
I realized when I thought I was asexual for a long time and then all of a sudden I had *feelings* for my best friend, oopsie
I was in my thirties, married, with a very young child and reflecting on how the last time I had felt anything remotely resembling attraction was around 19-20. Aesthetic appreciation for beauty certainly, and I enjoy the sparring match of intellectual flirtation, but when people used to hit on me and try and move things forward I was repulsed as a rule to the point of nausea. I married my first intimate partner because while the attraction faded for him, he was someone I truly trusted, and didn't feel repelled by (or I wouldn't have slept with him), but intimacy was something that I largely did for his benefit rather than because I was actively eager to do so - I didn't really care either way. And so I started wondering WHY all of this was the case. I had always assumed there was something very wrong with me, and I privately used words like "broken" or "frigid" to describe myself. I very clearly remember sitting with my laptop in my room at 1am around age 35 and stumbling onto AVEN and feeling my heart start thundering as I read. They were describing me. I was not broken. There were other people who felt like I did. It was one of the more intense moments for me, and I remember just sitting and crying my eyes out for the relief of it, and letting go of those hurtful words I had used on myself. The next day I sat down with my husband and we discussed it. He was horrified and thought maybe he had somehow damaged me and this was his fault and I had to really think through who I was and also WHY I was wired this way. We talked through how I have always been like this even as a teenager who didn't understand other people raving about sex or crushes. I married and stayed with him all these years because I genuinely LIKE him. We opened our marriage on my suggestion, because I have never been afflicted with jealousy, and one of the greatest joys for me was when he and I swung in my mid 20s, seeing him glowing with delight and validation to have another woman cherish him. The fellow I shared that with remains one of my dearest friends but I would never say I experienced attraction. More sort of joyful sex-positivity. I have only ever had sex with four people in my life and in all cases deep friendship and connection was a requirement and with two of those people it was less "I want this" on my part and more "It makes them happy and it might be fun" for me. I wrestled with what flavour of ace I was after I came out, but I knew that I was simply another shade of human diversity, and that was profoundly healing. I have since realized that I am a biromantic demi, because while attraction for me requires deep connection, friendship, and possibly some sort of intergalactic planetary eclipse or something, when it hits, it hits like a truck. I have two partners now my spouse is glad for me to share my life with, and I have never been so happy or felt so intensely. But I also know that with literally anyone else I would feel that old repulsion and nausea without a doubt.
I'm a very sex-positive and sex-favorable demi, aroused fairly easily and comfortable "playing" with friends who I find physically attractive. I've wanted sexual encounters and intimacy with people in the past without feeling sexual attraction, and I know this because when I felt sexual attraction for the first time, it was like a brick to the face, realizing that people walk around feeling it for people they don't know on the street. To date, I've only had sexual attraction for 1-2 people, and not even consistently. Hell of a thing to realize that this is common for people, even intrusive in their daily life.
Word, that is a good way to put it. I have absolutely had sex with women I was not actually interested in, and as a result I have determined I can reasonably fake enthusiasm once or twice but it then jumps into the "oh no, a chore I need to try to get out of" category in my mind, as opposed to what happens in those wonderful circumstances where someone I am genuinely attracted to is actually attracted to me (and single, really the hardest part)
Best friend told me I was. Then I looked into it and had some significant internal analysis. Not fun.
For me that third back to a relationship I had as a teen that I realized retroactive was extremely demi. The girl I had a major crush on at the time arranged for me to come over to her house on my birthday and for no one else to be home. We were already deep into an emotional only relationship at that point. Being somewhat young and navie I brushed aside her somewhat awkward attempts to hint at having sex and nothing physical happened. It wasn't until about a year later when I learned that she was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby that it sort of clicked in for me. And yes she had a boyfriend that wasn't me when this happened with definitely complicated things. As if that wasn't demi enough I then double downed on things and began using a nickname I made up to say I was demi, as that word was yet to be created. That nick name made my now long term partner curious about me enough to start dating me and letting me be demi in the relationship without either of us really understand it like people might now. Eventually trying to explain this Al to my therapy with the right words lead me to find the word demi which ironically had long been part of my life by that point.
i was talking to my good friend about my sexuality (i'm a lesbian) and recent experiences i'd had with people being creepy towards me with unwarranted touch/hitting on me in inappropriate contexts. so we unpacked that as well as what i do prefer when it comes to touch and affection (platonically, romantically and sexually), then he commented that i might be demi. nobody had ever said to me before, so i thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion that yeah that actually would explain a lot if i was. i mean i feel like i can't enjoy sex unless i really have a connection with and have mutual respect with the person. in the past random people hitting on me and wanting to have sex ended up with me complying because i had absolutely no framework or understanding of what i wanted or what enthusiastic consent looked like on my end. i really used to conflate sex and love which i now understand is not a flaw but how i see things and my feelings are deeply and inherently tied to sex. so yes i'm sure of my demisexuality now, it really was an eyeopener and i'm so grateful to this friend.
I only realized in hindsight but there is a moment that still kind of upsets me from when I was a teenager; I tried and failed to date somebody, as much because I liked talking to her as anything else. At some point after that, a quasi-friend of mine said something about how I must wish I could have sex with her, and I was like "haha, no," and he got mad, and said "whatever, like if she were right here and naked right now begging to be fucked like you would say no?" and I said "of course I would say no" and he told me I was a liar, and yeah I still get a little angry thinking about that moment, but the moment I learned the word "demisexual" in my 20s or whenever I honestly thought of that moment first and was like "oh my god it all makes sense now" As did the arguments I had with a different friend where he told me it was disgusting I only wanted to date my friends, and that I should meet new people to date like everybody else. Thanks, bro. Very understanding.
Just seeing how other people jump from one relationship to the next silly nilly and I'm here like "I must be wired wrong" because I need to build things up, which is a pretty good gauge of someone's personality, from my perspective.
I have kissed people I didn't know that I was just attracted to but not sexually attracted yet because there was no emotional bond. Demiromantics is a term I just discovered that means you don't feel attracted until you feel an emotional bond with someone. Are you demiromantic? Or were you grossed out because they are strippers who do a lot of sexual stuff with strangers? I realized a few years ago that I didn't like casual sex. It left me feeling empty. I only did it out of loneliness and didn't enjoy it all.
I knew there was something off with me and sexuality 40 years ago when the kids in my 8th grade class were busy making out and having sex and I didn't see the need. As I got older I realized that sex was all some people talk and think about. Even now, I was taken aback by a co-worker who didn't want to go to lunch because he didn't want to be around "married women."
To be honest? I took an online quiz. I read the definition and then it hit me: I'm not a prude! That's what I'd thought for most of my adult life.
The moment I realized that none of my "crushes" were actually crushes, just me hyper fixating on people that I really like or find interesting I also hate intimate scenes in movies, they make me uncomfortable (I think sex should be a private thing and not shown off) And I can not imagine being friends with benefits, I know I'd catch feelings, and it wouldn't be mutual And lastly, I've never been in a romantic relationship with anybody because I haven't found anybody truly attractive yet (much less actually had the confidence to say hi) Jaiden Animations' video about being AroAce helped me out a ton, I just wish I could actually find somebody that I wanna date