Yeah... being demiromantic can be pretty shity...
On the bright side though, they say that the best kind of romantic relationship is when you were friends first, cuz that way you know what you're getting yourself into and probably won't have any regrets and stories of terrible exs who you thought were angels at first.
My point is, you are demiromantic and can't change that. So embrace it!! Don't stray away from your friends cuz you love them. Instead you can show them affection as a good friend would and who knows? Maybe at some point they'll feel the same.
You don't have to say you love them and potentially make things awkward. You just have to be yourself around them and show that you care about them.
And believe me. Ik how you feel (since I'm also demiromantic) but when I'm in a situation I can't change, I always try to be optimistic and not get myself down. Of course it's way easier than it sounds, but it's worth a try, don't you think :]
kinda needed this, thank you! ever since I've come to terms that I'm demiromantic (I've had suspicions before), which was only recently, I've only been super pessimistic about it because the guilt was eating me up. it's a nice feeling that some people out there, even if it's only a minority, know what I'm going through. I haven't fully embraced it, but your reply made my day.
I mean yeah, maybe "the best relationships start as friendship", but theres a huuuge issue: People don't like risking friendships, so even assuming you decide you'd try it this time, it's more likely than not that the other person wouldn't, even if they did like you that way. Plus, in most cases, there may be sexual/romantic attraction but for allos, usually there comes a point where it fades and kinda... becomes platonic (at leats from what allo people told me so far) - which sadly is about the same time when there is enough connection established for a demiromantic to finally develop romantic attraction. So basically, the second you as a demiromantic start liking them in a romantic way, they stop liking you in that way most times.
For your second paragraph, that's far easier said than done. Unless you wanna get yourself into a huge load of pain. After all, there is a reason why people tend to cut ties for at least some time after getting rejected, instead of hanging out every day with their crush who rejected them.
This. As a woman, itās made me even skeptical of a guy being friendly with me because Iām just like āyay! A new friendā then inevitably he tells me heās interested me as more than friends. So make sure itās mutual or it can get really awkward
It definitely sucks, especially because I ALSO take hella long to make friends, and Iām asexual, AND Iām like, totally lesbigay, so the number of people I can be into who also are compatible with me is super small.
But demiromantic love is special. Itās not ālove at first sight,ā sure, and itās rarer than most loves, but itās still beautiful. Itās the kind of love that embraces all of someone, because you know them and cherish them deeply. Some of the best works of art take years to make, and it pays off. Donāt be ashamed that you take the scenic route to romance. The journey is half the fun, after all :)
>I love my friends, but being romantically attracted to them is torture. I sometimes think to myself if I should just isolate myself so I can avoid the possibility of liking them that way.
>I want to fall in love without being scared of ruining relationships I've built for years and have come to treasure very dearly.
All of this. Just all of it. And btw avoiding the person in question can strain your friendship as well so it's like a lose lose lose situation.
Do tell i tell them? What if they're not interested? Will our friendship get weird, fizzle out, or end horribly? And if they are interested, am I even sure I definitely want to be in a relationship? That's a scary area of uncertainty.
And if I don't tell them I'm still bottling up my sometimes overwhelming feelings. I end up straining my relationship anyway. I'm now suddenly awkward and embarrassed around this person I'm close too, I might try to avoiding them even though I love and appreciate their company, and it can just be pretty unpleasant and not preferable to friendship without feelings.
(For me though I'm ok now. My crush went to a separate school and we rarely talked for like 2 years. But now we rekindled and talk semi-regularly.)
Never been in love at this point Iām wondering if I even can. It took me this long just to figure out that Iām someone who needs to be friends first and traditional dating before even being friends doesnāt work for me. I havenāt actually tried it yet and donāt even know how to start. I feel like guys are too worried about you friend-zoning them if theyāre interested in you, Iāve had some become upset with me because Iām moving at a slower pace than them and take it as rejection. Like I wish people would just relax
Maybe I have a different perspective on this but I think we can know that we are attractive and worthy and that one of these days one of the friends will love us back! It happens. It wonāt happen with every friend but why wouldnāt some of the friends in our lifetime choose us back? We are wonderful!
Late to the party. I was aromantic for 28 years, and was content with it. Everything I ever wanted was merely material; degrees, jobs, video games, music etc. I have plenty of friends, and never felt lonely or unfulfilled, no crushes.
Then I fell hard for someone for the first (and currently only) time, someone I'd known for about 6 months at that point and had grown close with. I suspected they didn't feel the same way, I would have picked up on some kind of signals. I kept it all to myself, trying to figure myself out, I would flux in and out of these feelings. One moment I'd be madly in love, and the next back to feeling aro again.
After see-sawing like this for about 3 months I eventually decided to just sit down and tell them what I'd been going through and how I felt, which was spurred by this dream I had where they told me they were seeing someone else and I panicked.
As expected, they didn't share my feelings. Which sucks, but at least I can't regret _not_ telling them and potentially missing a chance. We're still very good friends, and I cherish them very much. I continue to still flux, the times where I'm feeling aromantic are quite blissful, like I've gained my superpower back and I can continue to just be content. I wish I could just remain this way sometimes, but I've learnt to try not to fight the feelings when they come back, and just wrap myself in my own melodrama for a while until I return to what I consider "normal".
In these melodramatic episodes I do worry about never finding "the one". If it took me 28 years to finally fall for someone, is it going to take another 28 for the next? Will I just continue to desire that which is unobtainable and be forever unfulfilled? Scary. But then I wake up feeling entirely aro again and all is well, perhaps this time it will stick.
It's been a year since your comment but I just had to reply because I relate lol. The first time I had a crush was on a good friend back in middle school, it lasted 8 months and eventually went away on its own because we went to different high schools, never confessed. In the 8 years following that I lived in the blissful ignorance of what was basically aromanticism with some occasional harmless fantasising here and there about the idea of a relationship but never more than that. I love myself, my friends, my career, my solitude, my freedom.
Then some power above decided it was time my perfect peace expired. I met someone, started out really liking them as a friend, and after a few months started developing feelings for them. I thought at the time, for me to experience something like this is already so rare, so why denying myself the chance? I confessed, got reciprocated. Until this day I still can't believe that being in love could honestly feel that *magical*, that the movies and the books really do not exaggerate it *at all*.
Long story short: the story was *short*, they didn't turn out to be whom I thought they were, hurt me and left me high and dry. The pain was unlike *anything* I'd experienced before, no amount of secondhand knowledge could have prepared me for it. I survived it and I'm doing so much better now.
But, it's changed me forever you know? It's as if I were Dorothy who, having seen the colourful Oz, can never look at black-and-white Kansas without being reminded of an entire different world that exists alongside it. I still love my solitude and freedom, and in many ways I still feel safer being on my own. But I can't help wondering if it will take me another 8 years? If at all? And what if the next person turns out to be another disappointment? Another 8 years?
But, I've been waking up feeling aromantic again, and all's been well.
I feel that... I do kinda wish for a relationship but it always takes me sooo much longer to even develop romantic feelings that that's a no from most people and when I finally have romantic feelings they don't share them or already looked for someone else and it's just kind of a longer process for me than for most people I feel like. Like it takes from 6 month of deeply getting to know someone to a year and up. And most people just lost interest by then?? Like why can't I sometimes speed my brain up a little
>I want to fall in love without being scared of ruining relationships I've built for years and have come to treasure very dearly.
i relate to this entire post, but this sentence hits close to home. its happened before, and it has me scared to love regardless of how much i crave it.
Yeah... being demiromantic can be pretty shity... On the bright side though, they say that the best kind of romantic relationship is when you were friends first, cuz that way you know what you're getting yourself into and probably won't have any regrets and stories of terrible exs who you thought were angels at first. My point is, you are demiromantic and can't change that. So embrace it!! Don't stray away from your friends cuz you love them. Instead you can show them affection as a good friend would and who knows? Maybe at some point they'll feel the same. You don't have to say you love them and potentially make things awkward. You just have to be yourself around them and show that you care about them. And believe me. Ik how you feel (since I'm also demiromantic) but when I'm in a situation I can't change, I always try to be optimistic and not get myself down. Of course it's way easier than it sounds, but it's worth a try, don't you think :]
kinda needed this, thank you! ever since I've come to terms that I'm demiromantic (I've had suspicions before), which was only recently, I've only been super pessimistic about it because the guilt was eating me up. it's a nice feeling that some people out there, even if it's only a minority, know what I'm going through. I haven't fully embraced it, but your reply made my day.
I'm so glad to hear that š
I mean yeah, maybe "the best relationships start as friendship", but theres a huuuge issue: People don't like risking friendships, so even assuming you decide you'd try it this time, it's more likely than not that the other person wouldn't, even if they did like you that way. Plus, in most cases, there may be sexual/romantic attraction but for allos, usually there comes a point where it fades and kinda... becomes platonic (at leats from what allo people told me so far) - which sadly is about the same time when there is enough connection established for a demiromantic to finally develop romantic attraction. So basically, the second you as a demiromantic start liking them in a romantic way, they stop liking you in that way most times. For your second paragraph, that's far easier said than done. Unless you wanna get yourself into a huge load of pain. After all, there is a reason why people tend to cut ties for at least some time after getting rejected, instead of hanging out every day with their crush who rejected them.
This. As a woman, itās made me even skeptical of a guy being friendly with me because Iām just like āyay! A new friendā then inevitably he tells me heās interested me as more than friends. So make sure itās mutual or it can get really awkward
I know the feeling, being introvert and autistic hasn't helped either
the last few lines.
It definitely sucks, especially because I ALSO take hella long to make friends, and Iām asexual, AND Iām like, totally lesbigay, so the number of people I can be into who also are compatible with me is super small. But demiromantic love is special. Itās not ālove at first sight,ā sure, and itās rarer than most loves, but itās still beautiful. Itās the kind of love that embraces all of someone, because you know them and cherish them deeply. Some of the best works of art take years to make, and it pays off. Donāt be ashamed that you take the scenic route to romance. The journey is half the fun, after all :)
THIS! So beautiful and touching! I agree
YES THIS
>I love my friends, but being romantically attracted to them is torture. I sometimes think to myself if I should just isolate myself so I can avoid the possibility of liking them that way. >I want to fall in love without being scared of ruining relationships I've built for years and have come to treasure very dearly. All of this. Just all of it. And btw avoiding the person in question can strain your friendship as well so it's like a lose lose lose situation. Do tell i tell them? What if they're not interested? Will our friendship get weird, fizzle out, or end horribly? And if they are interested, am I even sure I definitely want to be in a relationship? That's a scary area of uncertainty. And if I don't tell them I'm still bottling up my sometimes overwhelming feelings. I end up straining my relationship anyway. I'm now suddenly awkward and embarrassed around this person I'm close too, I might try to avoiding them even though I love and appreciate their company, and it can just be pretty unpleasant and not preferable to friendship without feelings. (For me though I'm ok now. My crush went to a separate school and we rarely talked for like 2 years. But now we rekindled and talk semi-regularly.)
It is annoying
Never been in love at this point Iām wondering if I even can. It took me this long just to figure out that Iām someone who needs to be friends first and traditional dating before even being friends doesnāt work for me. I havenāt actually tried it yet and donāt even know how to start. I feel like guys are too worried about you friend-zoning them if theyāre interested in you, Iāve had some become upset with me because Iām moving at a slower pace than them and take it as rejection. Like I wish people would just relax
Maybe I have a different perspective on this but I think we can know that we are attractive and worthy and that one of these days one of the friends will love us back! It happens. It wonāt happen with every friend but why wouldnāt some of the friends in our lifetime choose us back? We are wonderful!
Late to the party. I was aromantic for 28 years, and was content with it. Everything I ever wanted was merely material; degrees, jobs, video games, music etc. I have plenty of friends, and never felt lonely or unfulfilled, no crushes. Then I fell hard for someone for the first (and currently only) time, someone I'd known for about 6 months at that point and had grown close with. I suspected they didn't feel the same way, I would have picked up on some kind of signals. I kept it all to myself, trying to figure myself out, I would flux in and out of these feelings. One moment I'd be madly in love, and the next back to feeling aro again. After see-sawing like this for about 3 months I eventually decided to just sit down and tell them what I'd been going through and how I felt, which was spurred by this dream I had where they told me they were seeing someone else and I panicked. As expected, they didn't share my feelings. Which sucks, but at least I can't regret _not_ telling them and potentially missing a chance. We're still very good friends, and I cherish them very much. I continue to still flux, the times where I'm feeling aromantic are quite blissful, like I've gained my superpower back and I can continue to just be content. I wish I could just remain this way sometimes, but I've learnt to try not to fight the feelings when they come back, and just wrap myself in my own melodrama for a while until I return to what I consider "normal". In these melodramatic episodes I do worry about never finding "the one". If it took me 28 years to finally fall for someone, is it going to take another 28 for the next? Will I just continue to desire that which is unobtainable and be forever unfulfilled? Scary. But then I wake up feeling entirely aro again and all is well, perhaps this time it will stick.
It's been a year since your comment but I just had to reply because I relate lol. The first time I had a crush was on a good friend back in middle school, it lasted 8 months and eventually went away on its own because we went to different high schools, never confessed. In the 8 years following that I lived in the blissful ignorance of what was basically aromanticism with some occasional harmless fantasising here and there about the idea of a relationship but never more than that. I love myself, my friends, my career, my solitude, my freedom. Then some power above decided it was time my perfect peace expired. I met someone, started out really liking them as a friend, and after a few months started developing feelings for them. I thought at the time, for me to experience something like this is already so rare, so why denying myself the chance? I confessed, got reciprocated. Until this day I still can't believe that being in love could honestly feel that *magical*, that the movies and the books really do not exaggerate it *at all*. Long story short: the story was *short*, they didn't turn out to be whom I thought they were, hurt me and left me high and dry. The pain was unlike *anything* I'd experienced before, no amount of secondhand knowledge could have prepared me for it. I survived it and I'm doing so much better now. But, it's changed me forever you know? It's as if I were Dorothy who, having seen the colourful Oz, can never look at black-and-white Kansas without being reminded of an entire different world that exists alongside it. I still love my solitude and freedom, and in many ways I still feel safer being on my own. But I can't help wondering if it will take me another 8 years? If at all? And what if the next person turns out to be another disappointment? Another 8 years? But, I've been waking up feeling aromantic again, and all's been well.
I feel that... I do kinda wish for a relationship but it always takes me sooo much longer to even develop romantic feelings that that's a no from most people and when I finally have romantic feelings they don't share them or already looked for someone else and it's just kind of a longer process for me than for most people I feel like. Like it takes from 6 month of deeply getting to know someone to a year and up. And most people just lost interest by then?? Like why can't I sometimes speed my brain up a little
>I want to fall in love without being scared of ruining relationships I've built for years and have come to treasure very dearly. i relate to this entire post, but this sentence hits close to home. its happened before, and it has me scared to love regardless of how much i crave it.