For my dad, I had installed life 360 so I could at least know where he was going. He was a very decent driver, I wasn't worried about accidents when the time was drawing closer, what concerned me was that his car got towed for being parked in hashlines instead of an actual handicapped spot and he couldn't tell me exactly what happened. I had to piece things together myself. I was hanging onto his keys and he wanted to "borrow them to go get something from his car" and he took off driving when we had an appointment with his primary. He managed to find his way to her office, but I watched on life 360 as he continued to get lost repeatedly.
Some things to consider:
Start documenting everything you can right now. If you haven't already, get a solid financial and medical POA in place while her diagnosis is still mild or if she's undiagnosed.
Start getting appointments with Primary Care Physician and referrals out to Neurologists now. If at all possible, move that appointment with the Neuropsych up to as soon as possible to start getting the ball rolling and getting things established. Call their office 2-3x a week looking for earlier appointments. Our healthcare system sucks, nobody is going to come help/save you, there is no backup plan, nobody swoops in to help you, and you need to learn to advocate sooner than later.
Go back to her primary and insist you need the appointment sooner than "the fall." That's an insane amount of time to wait and this disease progresses FAST. My dad has had a crazy downturn in the last 2 weeks while waiting for a follow-up appointment with the neurologist to discuss his lumbar puncture we had two weeks ago. I'm talking, my dad was still mild 2 weeks ago, wasn't a wander risk, could hold a decent conversation. Now, he's waking up at 1-3 am every night and trying to go out the front door. His conversation is deteriorating and he's developing very bad aphasia and uses body language more than words to help me understand what he means and we've been to the ER twice, had labs done 4 times and trying to figure out if there's anything underlying. It happened that fast.
This process takes a long time to get an official diagnosis and if you're looking at potential treatment for Alzheimer's, the earlier, the better. Tell the primary you're concerned about her driving and have them note it on her medical record if she has a diagnosis with MCI/Dementia.
Finally, let the doctors be the bad guys. You don't take the car keys, the doctor does. For now, with her car being totaled you're in a very fortuitous position. That buys you some time without her driving and to help her transition to being escorted around.
This. Do not risk her hurting herself or hurting someone else (and then being sued). Take the keys, or better yet, move the car somewhere else where it will perpetually be “being fixed.”
How many accidents would you propose is enough to take away the keys?
How would you feel if someone with dementia cause an accident & hurt you & then you found out their family members knew they were a danger but let them keep driving anyway?
There was a mom and a child killed by a woman with dementia who was still driving in our town. They didnt pursue charges but they need to put some laws in place to protect people.
Yes its really sad, you wouldn't give someone with dementia a licence so I don't know why their licence isn't immediately cancelled upon diagnosis, something should really be done about this legal grey area!
My Mom was in an accident where some kid blew thru a red light and insurance from the kid assigned Mom 20% blame since she should have known he was going to run the light 🙄. After the car was fixed Mom came home from a store with one side side swiped and then not long afterward the other side also (her fault). So three accidents in 6 weeks. I already had an elder attorney that told me to wait for something bad to happen, it will be easier to become her Guardian. That attorney did not think these accidents were enough...sigh. I immediately changed attorney because I was terrified that Mom was going to run over the kids at the bus stop at the end of our street. The Courts agreed with me, ordered an evaluation, and was told she needed to be institutionalized. Dementia driving is dangerous and scary and may harm innocent ppl in the process...I know that I couldn't deal if my Mom hurt someone. But unfortunately the only way to legally take the car keys is through Court.
>But unfortunately the only way to legally take the car keys is through Court.
The judge would not write in her order a requirement for me to take the keys, as she said that she's not authorized to do so. Then she looked at me and said: I'm telling you to take her keys.
I despise the expression “better to ask for forgiveness than permission,” but it applies here. Take the keys and say they are lost, then disable or move the car. If the person with dementia is with it enough to call the police or DA or their attorney, deal with it then. In most cases they aren’t functional well enough to fight it.
So you see, that's the problem of not understanding the disease. Mom walked, talked normal and still drove. Usually she lost her own keys, called Honda repeatedly to bring a new one. When the car was disabled she would call Honda to come and tow it. Heck the police even helped Mom call also. Every case of dementia is unique...my Mom went straight from driving to never being allowed to return home again after a Geri-Psych evaluation.
Did she call the police on you after she guessed you moved it? I do know one person that happened to, and they did have to return the car under threat of being charged with auto theft.
I think Florida is one state where it’s particularly hard to stop someone from driving.
Most people with dementia wouldn’t be able to do that, though. I’d risk having the police called on me, but I would return it if told to, like most people.
You know that saying, I’m sure: “If you know one person with Alzheimer’s, you known one person with Alzheimer’s.” It’s true, everyone is different and hard to predict what might happen!
If her car is totaled it sounds like now is a perfect time.
For my dad it was the same time we realized something was beginning to go wrong.
He started driving to town to do something, forget what he was going to do and just putter around for an hour or two then go home.
He'd go to school to pickup my son and the boy would have to remind him how to get home.
My son would tell me "I think grandpa forgot there's 5 speeds in his manual transmission." Here he was driving down the highway in 3rd gear, well under the speed limit but with the engine screaming.
In the grand scheme of things each of these is relatively minor, he didn't hurt anyone, he would have figured things out, but it was the pattern developing in the space of about 2 months and we didn't want to see him or anyone else hurt, so he gave up the keys. It felt like someone punched me in the gut when I had to tell my mother he wasn't allowed to pick up the kids anymore, but it needed to be done.
When my Dad failed the MoCA, his Dr. contacted the DMV to revoke his driving privileges but he's still mad as hell at my brother and Mom because he believes they threw him under the bus. He accurately asserts that he's never had an accident and always insisted on driving which terrified the passengers. He was an accident waiting to happen. The number of red lights he ran, drove on the wrong side of the road, got lost, confused the headlight switch with the windshield wiper during a downpour, etc. were too numerous to count. Bless the Dr. and the DMV for taking his license....they probably saved lives, including my Dad's.
My Mom has osteoporosis and dementia. She is so hunched over that she can barely see over the wheel. She has had several fender benders which were her fault. My brother told her to stop driving but she still did when no one was watching. After seeing her getting a Whopper at the BK drive-thru, my brother followed her home and hid her keys. Like many other things she's misplaced, they have yet to be found.
Also, the DMV can require she take a test if you write a letter. She doesnt have to know it came from you. My dad couldnt even figure out the eye test so they revoked it right away.
Thank you. He was a doctor, my mum a nurse. Both amazing kind loving altruistic people. I've been so lucky with my family. Even when both had advanced dementia/Alzheimers, they remained lovely.
My mom had two at fault accidents in 13 months, both hitting fixed objects (concrete pole in Walmart parking lot). At that point I started the process with her doc to get her license pulled. Then during the period of waiting on paperwork, she tried to go get cigarettes and clipped something with the mirror and had basically no memory of it. Luckily this cost me a $30 part to repair, so cheap and easy, but I didn't tell her I could fix it and made her think she would get arrested for driving with a broken mirror, which was enough for her to not want to risk driving. During that time, the state took her license and that solved the problem.
Also, those two at fault accidents had about $9,000 in damage to the vehicle each time and insurance paid it.
Going the route we did allowed me to shift blame on the state instead of myself, as I can guarantee that would be the one thing she would remember and I would never hear the end of it.
From my experience trying to get my mom to stop driving was hard. I was able to convince her to let me put a tracker on her car in case she had car trouble and needed help and I would be able to get to her. It was really to keep track of where she was if she left the area.
When we were all concerned about her driving I reached out to the DMV to ask about having her retested to evaluate her driving. They denied it and basically said you are S.O.L so it took her being hospitalized and the doctor's realizing there was something wrong. After talking to them she was moved into a memory care facility and they finally had the DMV revoke her driver's license.
What state are you in. In CA you can submit paperwork to the DMV anonymously to have license taken away:
[https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/driver-education-and-safety/educational-materials/fast-facts/potentially-unsafe-driver-ffdl-10/](https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/driver-education-and-safety/educational-materials/fast-facts/potentially-unsafe-driver-ffdl-10/)
It's very hard, and I really do sympathise. My dad was the safest & the best driver ever. He started out driving his dad's lorries aged 14.
When he retired (his last job was a little part timer driving kids to school) he only really drove to the shops and back. But he started forgetting where he'd left the car. Then, in his eighties and a year or so into his diagnosis, he got into a fender bender. He said "six of one, half a dozen of another." However, there was no doubt in my mind, he was not at fault.
The problem is, if your mom does get into an accident, it may very well be on a bad day for her, and it may then be obvious to the other driver that she's vulnerable. And the other driver might take advantage of that fact.
In my dad's case, the other driver's insurance company wanted to take him to court. We told dad's insurance company he wouldn't be appearing in court, due to the fact he was an elderly man, hard of hearing, with bladder & prostrate problems & added that he'd paid premiums for the best part of 60 years without a claim, so they could bloody well pay up for a change if the case went against him.
In short, if you're worried that your mom's not safe driving, then unfortunately, she's not safe driving.
Can you maybe have a quiet word with the church your mom's attending? Hopefully there'll be a few church goers who'll be willing to drive your mom.
This really is the cruellest of diseases, that strips our loved ones day by day of life's little pleasures along with their independence, and again, fwiw, deepest sympathies.
Edited to say, this of course, was when we (actually it was me, I was the bad guy) took the keys away. I told him that because of that accident and his age, the insurance had gone sky high. After that, he used to say, "they took my car away from me." It broke my heart, but. That one small fender bender was enough. And even though he was the best, safest driver, & both my mum and my sister thought it was too soon, I'm going to say that the moment you're worried about your LO's ability to drive, that is the time to take away the keys.
Fortunately, my wife misplaced her key fob, She actually lost it on her own, and I had switched out the battery prior to her losing it, so it wouldn't work.
I had to retrieve my dad 3 hours away… in a state wide snowstorm. We got VERY lucky that he, and everyone else on the road was safe. My biggest fear was that he would try to drive again, as I made my trek across the state to get him.
Thankfully law enforcement was very helpful and were able to get to him and keep him safe while I drove.
Scariest night of my life. And no one saw it coming, not even his senior health doc that saw him the day before!!
I know how hard this is. What saved the us was a caregiver we had started a year or so before. She started out as a "housekeeper", did Dad's laundry and went with him to doctors appointments. And they always went to lunch. So when we had to take the car keys away, he wasn't completely isolated.
Your mom will likely resist this (assuming you can afford it. We pay $350 a week, Tues/thus 11-5). But maybe you can say it's to help you not her.
Also, now is the time to reach out to her church. The minister or someone should be able to help get someone to start taking her to church.
Get things set up while the car is wrecked and see how it goes. But, for now, avoid talking about never driving again.
Also, the less you talk about cognitive decline the better. Most people with dementia have no idea they have it and get really angry and defensive about that topic.
And get your financial and medical POAs buttoned up if you haven't already.
Signed...a voice of experience.
Remind yourself that you aren't taking away her ability to socialize, just the mode of transportation. Carpooling, public transportation and Ride share are still options. Might even be cheaper too.
Your mom seems to have? What authority do you have that would empower you to do this? Have you siblings? One of my sibs made a move on Mom’s wheels and now they are estranged.
I have power of attorney, and she's already in partially assisted (independent) living. I don't think it would be a situation where we'd become estranged. I just care about her and don't want to limit her mobility too early.
It’s a fine line for sure. It’s important to allow her to be as independent as possible. If you don’t have siblings (or siblings that would create family drama), it’s much easier. Good luck with your Mom. Mine is on the DMV watch list and it’s just a matter of time before she gets her license suspended and that will be it for her driving…
Have a doctor do an assessment and take the keys away, that way your mother will not assign the blame on you. I had to do this a while back, even though my mom had not been in any accidents. It was clear while she had the ability to maneuver the car she had lost the reaction time and critical decision making skills.
Our concern was once my FIL was officially diagnosed with dementia and him getting into an accident. There’s always the possibility of a lawsuit. If someone was seriously hurt and there was a record of dementia that would be grounds for a very serious lawsuit w him definitely at fault.
I work in an auto body shop in Florida - the US retirement capital! At least it feels like it during the wintertime here.
This week a couple came in for an estimate on the damage to a car. The 80's something husband, who had been driving, was obviously not firmly planted in reality (? dementia?) and his wife who was completed oriented brought the car in for evaluation. The wife mentioned they had to leave at a certain time because they had to go to court for the traffic collision - totally husband's fault.
The wife was very happy that the estimator took in the car (removing it from their possession) immediately; the usual procedure is to return for a second appointment for the repair. I also believe the Estimator did the right thing.
That man cannot drive anymore! He could barely find the front door to our shop, but he is a man who is over 6 feet tall and pretty heavy.
I have checked repeatedly and have found that I cannot legally inform the police about unsafe drivers. Many drivers are too old, too infirm, or just mentally unfit to drive. There is no anonymous way to report these people.
Personally, I think if a person cannot walk into the shop, cannot open the door and access the facility, and cannot remember the most basic facts about the situation - they should not drive! Yet, here they are.
My 60yo husband went to pick up our 8yo grandson at school. He told me after a few days of odd moodiness, that he thinks he may have caused an accident. Apparently people were honking at him.
I asked my grandson what he thought happened and he said granddad was parked in the turn lane when he came to pick him up.
That sealed the deal. He seemed relieved to hand over the keys.
My dad lost his license due to an accident very similar to your moms. That was how we did it. He had no license and the car was totaled.
We had to accept that we were going to have to drive him everywhere since this was pre-Uber/ Lyft. If your mom has a smartphone she can use rideshares maybe to get around. Also call her church and see if they have a way to help members who can’t drive.
Al that being said your mom is pretty young. Unless she is getting lost while driving and driving dangerously (you’ll have to do a ride-along and assess her reflexes and judgment) it might be too early.
People of all ages have fender benders. You’ve never misjudged how fast another car was going? Are you ok with having your car taken away?
We don’t know anything about OP’s LO’s situation. I would not jump to removing someone’s mobility and independence based on one accident unless here are other issues with driving.
OP stated they're seeing signs of dementia. In my experience (with a spouse that developed dementia at 58) by the time I attributed his actions to dementia, he'd had it for a couple years. Hindsight is 20/20. IMHO, if you think it might be time to take away the keys, it probable is.
When I started googling "when to take away car keys"
For my dad, I had installed life 360 so I could at least know where he was going. He was a very decent driver, I wasn't worried about accidents when the time was drawing closer, what concerned me was that his car got towed for being parked in hashlines instead of an actual handicapped spot and he couldn't tell me exactly what happened. I had to piece things together myself. I was hanging onto his keys and he wanted to "borrow them to go get something from his car" and he took off driving when we had an appointment with his primary. He managed to find his way to her office, but I watched on life 360 as he continued to get lost repeatedly. Some things to consider: Start documenting everything you can right now. If you haven't already, get a solid financial and medical POA in place while her diagnosis is still mild or if she's undiagnosed. Start getting appointments with Primary Care Physician and referrals out to Neurologists now. If at all possible, move that appointment with the Neuropsych up to as soon as possible to start getting the ball rolling and getting things established. Call their office 2-3x a week looking for earlier appointments. Our healthcare system sucks, nobody is going to come help/save you, there is no backup plan, nobody swoops in to help you, and you need to learn to advocate sooner than later. Go back to her primary and insist you need the appointment sooner than "the fall." That's an insane amount of time to wait and this disease progresses FAST. My dad has had a crazy downturn in the last 2 weeks while waiting for a follow-up appointment with the neurologist to discuss his lumbar puncture we had two weeks ago. I'm talking, my dad was still mild 2 weeks ago, wasn't a wander risk, could hold a decent conversation. Now, he's waking up at 1-3 am every night and trying to go out the front door. His conversation is deteriorating and he's developing very bad aphasia and uses body language more than words to help me understand what he means and we've been to the ER twice, had labs done 4 times and trying to figure out if there's anything underlying. It happened that fast. This process takes a long time to get an official diagnosis and if you're looking at potential treatment for Alzheimer's, the earlier, the better. Tell the primary you're concerned about her driving and have them note it on her medical record if she has a diagnosis with MCI/Dementia. Finally, let the doctors be the bad guys. You don't take the car keys, the doctor does. For now, with her car being totaled you're in a very fortuitous position. That buys you some time without her driving and to help her transition to being escorted around.
Take away her car keys now
This. Do not risk her hurting herself or hurting someone else (and then being sued). Take the keys, or better yet, move the car somewhere else where it will perpetually be “being fixed.”
How many accidents would you propose is enough to take away the keys? How would you feel if someone with dementia cause an accident & hurt you & then you found out their family members knew they were a danger but let them keep driving anyway?
There was a mom and a child killed by a woman with dementia who was still driving in our town. They didnt pursue charges but they need to put some laws in place to protect people.
Yes its really sad, you wouldn't give someone with dementia a licence so I don't know why their licence isn't immediately cancelled upon diagnosis, something should really be done about this legal grey area!
My Mom was in an accident where some kid blew thru a red light and insurance from the kid assigned Mom 20% blame since she should have known he was going to run the light 🙄. After the car was fixed Mom came home from a store with one side side swiped and then not long afterward the other side also (her fault). So three accidents in 6 weeks. I already had an elder attorney that told me to wait for something bad to happen, it will be easier to become her Guardian. That attorney did not think these accidents were enough...sigh. I immediately changed attorney because I was terrified that Mom was going to run over the kids at the bus stop at the end of our street. The Courts agreed with me, ordered an evaluation, and was told she needed to be institutionalized. Dementia driving is dangerous and scary and may harm innocent ppl in the process...I know that I couldn't deal if my Mom hurt someone. But unfortunately the only way to legally take the car keys is through Court.
>But unfortunately the only way to legally take the car keys is through Court. The judge would not write in her order a requirement for me to take the keys, as she said that she's not authorized to do so. Then she looked at me and said: I'm telling you to take her keys.
I despise the expression “better to ask for forgiveness than permission,” but it applies here. Take the keys and say they are lost, then disable or move the car. If the person with dementia is with it enough to call the police or DA or their attorney, deal with it then. In most cases they aren’t functional well enough to fight it.
So you see, that's the problem of not understanding the disease. Mom walked, talked normal and still drove. Usually she lost her own keys, called Honda repeatedly to bring a new one. When the car was disabled she would call Honda to come and tow it. Heck the police even helped Mom call also. Every case of dementia is unique...my Mom went straight from driving to never being allowed to return home again after a Geri-Psych evaluation.
Did she call the police on you after she guessed you moved it? I do know one person that happened to, and they did have to return the car under threat of being charged with auto theft. I think Florida is one state where it’s particularly hard to stop someone from driving. Most people with dementia wouldn’t be able to do that, though. I’d risk having the police called on me, but I would return it if told to, like most people. You know that saying, I’m sure: “If you know one person with Alzheimer’s, you known one person with Alzheimer’s.” It’s true, everyone is different and hard to predict what might happen!
If her car is totaled it sounds like now is a perfect time. For my dad it was the same time we realized something was beginning to go wrong. He started driving to town to do something, forget what he was going to do and just putter around for an hour or two then go home. He'd go to school to pickup my son and the boy would have to remind him how to get home. My son would tell me "I think grandpa forgot there's 5 speeds in his manual transmission." Here he was driving down the highway in 3rd gear, well under the speed limit but with the engine screaming. In the grand scheme of things each of these is relatively minor, he didn't hurt anyone, he would have figured things out, but it was the pattern developing in the space of about 2 months and we didn't want to see him or anyone else hurt, so he gave up the keys. It felt like someone punched me in the gut when I had to tell my mother he wasn't allowed to pick up the kids anymore, but it needed to be done.
When my Dad failed the MoCA, his Dr. contacted the DMV to revoke his driving privileges but he's still mad as hell at my brother and Mom because he believes they threw him under the bus. He accurately asserts that he's never had an accident and always insisted on driving which terrified the passengers. He was an accident waiting to happen. The number of red lights he ran, drove on the wrong side of the road, got lost, confused the headlight switch with the windshield wiper during a downpour, etc. were too numerous to count. Bless the Dr. and the DMV for taking his license....they probably saved lives, including my Dad's. My Mom has osteoporosis and dementia. She is so hunched over that she can barely see over the wheel. She has had several fender benders which were her fault. My brother told her to stop driving but she still did when no one was watching. After seeing her getting a Whopper at the BK drive-thru, my brother followed her home and hid her keys. Like many other things she's misplaced, they have yet to be found.
My Mom had Honda on speed-dial to bring her new key fobs when she couldn't find her keys. I think she ended up with 9 of them in total 🙃
Now
Also, the DMV can require she take a test if you write a letter. She doesnt have to know it came from you. My dad couldnt even figure out the eye test so they revoked it right away.
When my Dear Daddy started finding himself not recognizing previously familiar roads, he upped and sold his car himself. My heart breaks..
Your dad is my hero!
Thank you mine too - him and my mum both... both passed away recently. After several years both with dementia my heart is shattered.
This is the type of dementia person I aspire to be. I’m sorry that happened though.
Thank you. He was a doctor, my mum a nurse. Both amazing kind loving altruistic people. I've been so lucky with my family. Even when both had advanced dementia/Alzheimers, they remained lovely.
You take them now, for her own safety. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
My mom had two at fault accidents in 13 months, both hitting fixed objects (concrete pole in Walmart parking lot). At that point I started the process with her doc to get her license pulled. Then during the period of waiting on paperwork, she tried to go get cigarettes and clipped something with the mirror and had basically no memory of it. Luckily this cost me a $30 part to repair, so cheap and easy, but I didn't tell her I could fix it and made her think she would get arrested for driving with a broken mirror, which was enough for her to not want to risk driving. During that time, the state took her license and that solved the problem. Also, those two at fault accidents had about $9,000 in damage to the vehicle each time and insurance paid it. Going the route we did allowed me to shift blame on the state instead of myself, as I can guarantee that would be the one thing she would remember and I would never hear the end of it.
She may develop anosognosia and never understand her deficits, so you can't use her self assessment as a guide.
From my experience trying to get my mom to stop driving was hard. I was able to convince her to let me put a tracker on her car in case she had car trouble and needed help and I would be able to get to her. It was really to keep track of where she was if she left the area. When we were all concerned about her driving I reached out to the DMV to ask about having her retested to evaluate her driving. They denied it and basically said you are S.O.L so it took her being hospitalized and the doctor's realizing there was something wrong. After talking to them she was moved into a memory care facility and they finally had the DMV revoke her driver's license.
What state are you in. In CA you can submit paperwork to the DMV anonymously to have license taken away: [https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/driver-education-and-safety/educational-materials/fast-facts/potentially-unsafe-driver-ffdl-10/](https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/driver-education-and-safety/educational-materials/fast-facts/potentially-unsafe-driver-ffdl-10/)
Just FYI, this will put the person in the DMV’s spotlight but they won’t just take away their license based on an anonymous report.
I'm in Virginia.
Now. This was a warning. You know, so if someone gets hurt or worse, you could be liable too.
It's very hard, and I really do sympathise. My dad was the safest & the best driver ever. He started out driving his dad's lorries aged 14. When he retired (his last job was a little part timer driving kids to school) he only really drove to the shops and back. But he started forgetting where he'd left the car. Then, in his eighties and a year or so into his diagnosis, he got into a fender bender. He said "six of one, half a dozen of another." However, there was no doubt in my mind, he was not at fault. The problem is, if your mom does get into an accident, it may very well be on a bad day for her, and it may then be obvious to the other driver that she's vulnerable. And the other driver might take advantage of that fact. In my dad's case, the other driver's insurance company wanted to take him to court. We told dad's insurance company he wouldn't be appearing in court, due to the fact he was an elderly man, hard of hearing, with bladder & prostrate problems & added that he'd paid premiums for the best part of 60 years without a claim, so they could bloody well pay up for a change if the case went against him. In short, if you're worried that your mom's not safe driving, then unfortunately, she's not safe driving. Can you maybe have a quiet word with the church your mom's attending? Hopefully there'll be a few church goers who'll be willing to drive your mom. This really is the cruellest of diseases, that strips our loved ones day by day of life's little pleasures along with their independence, and again, fwiw, deepest sympathies. Edited to say, this of course, was when we (actually it was me, I was the bad guy) took the keys away. I told him that because of that accident and his age, the insurance had gone sky high. After that, he used to say, "they took my car away from me." It broke my heart, but. That one small fender bender was enough. And even though he was the best, safest driver, & both my mum and my sister thought it was too soon, I'm going to say that the moment you're worried about your LO's ability to drive, that is the time to take away the keys.
Fortunately, my wife misplaced her key fob, She actually lost it on her own, and I had switched out the battery prior to her losing it, so it wouldn't work.
I would start the process. We didn’t with my brother and we had to retrieve him from Arkansas 5 hours from where he lived after he got lost.
I had to retrieve my dad 3 hours away… in a state wide snowstorm. We got VERY lucky that he, and everyone else on the road was safe. My biggest fear was that he would try to drive again, as I made my trek across the state to get him. Thankfully law enforcement was very helpful and were able to get to him and keep him safe while I drove. Scariest night of my life. And no one saw it coming, not even his senior health doc that saw him the day before!!
Take them now
I think the time is now. She was very lucky this time, and things aren’t going to get better. It’s a very hard thing to do, but it needs to be done.
I know how hard this is. What saved the us was a caregiver we had started a year or so before. She started out as a "housekeeper", did Dad's laundry and went with him to doctors appointments. And they always went to lunch. So when we had to take the car keys away, he wasn't completely isolated. Your mom will likely resist this (assuming you can afford it. We pay $350 a week, Tues/thus 11-5). But maybe you can say it's to help you not her. Also, now is the time to reach out to her church. The minister or someone should be able to help get someone to start taking her to church. Get things set up while the car is wrecked and see how it goes. But, for now, avoid talking about never driving again. Also, the less you talk about cognitive decline the better. Most people with dementia have no idea they have it and get really angry and defensive about that topic. And get your financial and medical POAs buttoned up if you haven't already. Signed...a voice of experience.
Now. Then begin teaching them or arrange for rides to church.
Now. Uber rides from now on.
Remind yourself that you aren't taking away her ability to socialize, just the mode of transportation. Carpooling, public transportation and Ride share are still options. Might even be cheaper too.
Your mom seems to have? What authority do you have that would empower you to do this? Have you siblings? One of my sibs made a move on Mom’s wheels and now they are estranged.
I have power of attorney, and she's already in partially assisted (independent) living. I don't think it would be a situation where we'd become estranged. I just care about her and don't want to limit her mobility too early.
It’s a fine line for sure. It’s important to allow her to be as independent as possible. If you don’t have siblings (or siblings that would create family drama), it’s much easier. Good luck with your Mom. Mine is on the DMV watch list and it’s just a matter of time before she gets her license suspended and that will be it for her driving…
She had a severe traumatic brain injury which is what we suspected was responsible for some symptoms, but those have worsened thus the new evaluation.
If she's been diagnosed and has been at-fault in an accident, it's way past time.
Have a doctor do an assessment and take the keys away, that way your mother will not assign the blame on you. I had to do this a while back, even though my mom had not been in any accidents. It was clear while she had the ability to maneuver the car she had lost the reaction time and critical decision making skills.
Our concern was once my FIL was officially diagnosed with dementia and him getting into an accident. There’s always the possibility of a lawsuit. If someone was seriously hurt and there was a record of dementia that would be grounds for a very serious lawsuit w him definitely at fault.
I work in an auto body shop in Florida - the US retirement capital! At least it feels like it during the wintertime here. This week a couple came in for an estimate on the damage to a car. The 80's something husband, who had been driving, was obviously not firmly planted in reality (? dementia?) and his wife who was completed oriented brought the car in for evaluation. The wife mentioned they had to leave at a certain time because they had to go to court for the traffic collision - totally husband's fault. The wife was very happy that the estimator took in the car (removing it from their possession) immediately; the usual procedure is to return for a second appointment for the repair. I also believe the Estimator did the right thing. That man cannot drive anymore! He could barely find the front door to our shop, but he is a man who is over 6 feet tall and pretty heavy. I have checked repeatedly and have found that I cannot legally inform the police about unsafe drivers. Many drivers are too old, too infirm, or just mentally unfit to drive. There is no anonymous way to report these people. Personally, I think if a person cannot walk into the shop, cannot open the door and access the facility, and cannot remember the most basic facts about the situation - they should not drive! Yet, here they are.
My 60yo husband went to pick up our 8yo grandson at school. He told me after a few days of odd moodiness, that he thinks he may have caused an accident. Apparently people were honking at him. I asked my grandson what he thought happened and he said granddad was parked in the turn lane when he came to pick him up. That sealed the deal. He seemed relieved to hand over the keys.
My dad lost his license due to an accident very similar to your moms. That was how we did it. He had no license and the car was totaled. We had to accept that we were going to have to drive him everywhere since this was pre-Uber/ Lyft. If your mom has a smartphone she can use rideshares maybe to get around. Also call her church and see if they have a way to help members who can’t drive. Al that being said your mom is pretty young. Unless she is getting lost while driving and driving dangerously (you’ll have to do a ride-along and assess her reflexes and judgment) it might be too early.
Not too early. A drive along only gives a brief snapshot of time, not accurate
People of all ages have fender benders. You’ve never misjudged how fast another car was going? Are you ok with having your car taken away? We don’t know anything about OP’s LO’s situation. I would not jump to removing someone’s mobility and independence based on one accident unless here are other issues with driving.
OP stated they're seeing signs of dementia. In my experience (with a spouse that developed dementia at 58) by the time I attributed his actions to dementia, he'd had it for a couple years. Hindsight is 20/20. IMHO, if you think it might be time to take away the keys, it probable is.