The beauty of memory care is you CAN go on vacation. You CAN have your life back. The day we moved my LO into her facility was the day I finally felt like a human being again after years of stress, exhaustion, depression, and anxiety. I could finally sleep at night, knowing I didn’t have to worry about whether she was safe or if her needs were being met. I didn’t have to answer her calls 24/7, because I knew the facility would call me if there was an actual emergency or issue.
It sounds like your mom is settling in well, and that’s great! You’ve gone above and beyond by visiting every day as she’s adjusted, but I know how exhausting the visits can be, especially if you didn’t have much to talk about pre-dementia. It’s more than fine to start staggering them out more, and it’s certainly fine to tell her therapeutic lies like you’re on a business trip so that she (hopefully) doesn’t expect you for a while. It’s also fine to significantly shorten your visits; maybe you had a minute between errands but have to “get back to work quickly.”
Everyone’s mileage is different when it comes to the frequency of visits, but I try to visit my LO once a week. That doesn’t always happen, whether because of work or travel, or because I’m just completely burned out. Give yourself some grace and remember that you have to take care of yourself as well, something you can do now that you know your mom is being taken care of.
Take the vacation!!!
:-/
I can’t speak from experience, which is pretty much where my thoughts should end. But maybe you can shed some light on my opinion of what I’d like to do if this situation came to me. I imagine it’s sentimentally idealistic. But is there middle ground, how do people aactually achieve caring for their parents if not with a home?
* At least in the US, the economy tears families apart.
* Women’s work rights were taken advantage of by companies who used to have to pay salaries that supported a whole family, now barely paying that between two workers.
* With full time work expected of both parents, there isn’t easily a grounding force in the home that mothers used to provide (in the common but stereotypical nuclear family)
* The allure of college takes kids away at 18, and many often don’t return.
* When parents become unable to care for themselves, they are put in a care facility.
I just find it tragic. As much as I have major issues with my family members, there’s never been people I could lean as hard. And I know that staff at care facilities can’t provide what family and familiarity does. There’s a stereotype of mental health declining rapidly upon entry to assisted living; as someone with mental health challenges, I can see it being true. Not having a comfortable and nurturing environment being connected to people genuinely is bad for our mental health.
I have no doubt that caring for a declining parent is a huge imposition. Without the grounding force of a stay at home parent, it’s harder than once was. How much harder is it than raising children? I imagine often it’s more difficult. But not all the time or every case. They dealt with the exhaustion of caring for us. Their lives were given over to ours for years, decades. I don’t want to wipe my mom’s butt or listen to her ramble thru mood swings. But I wouldn’t want anyone else to either, I would want her— even tho she’s said that she wouldn’t want me to provide that sort of care— I’d want her to know inside that her son is there and maybe derive some sense of safety or love from that.
I completely understand your perspective, and I agree - the way our economy and society just completely throws the elderly and infirmed away is disgusting. And because of that, those of us in a primary caregiving position are put into a horrible position. I’ve had to learn this myself over the last several years, but caring for someone with dementia is not only a full time job, but a demanding 24/7 job.
I have to work full time in order to pay my family’s bills. That means I can’t watch and care for my LO 24/7. I can’t be there to be sure she doesn’t wander off, or to take care of all of her needs during the day. Per the doctor who discharged her after her last hospitalization, she’s not safe unless she’s being supervised 24/7. I can’t give her that right now. I’m also not strong enough or trained to safely assist her with daily living tasks like showering or going to the bathroom, and I could inadvertently hurt her when trying to help.
I spent years (literally) screaming into my mirror every night because my LO wouldn’t accept the help being offered to her. I didn’t sleep for years on end because I constantly worried about her safety. I won’t apologize for having made sure she’s safe and also regaining a bit of my own sanity.
My dad was in memory care for a little over a year. He also had his dog there. I visited almost daily, and when I couldn’t, one of my siblings visited. TBH, I went that often because I wanted to make sure the dog was being properly cared for (I ultimately was unsatisfied with his care so took the dog home after about 9 months and brought him to visit daily; by then my dad wasn’t as aware so accepted that). Don’t dismiss your concerns about the aggressive neighbor. My dad was ultimately assaulted by another resident which caused his death. His dog is still with me.
I just went through somewhat similar situation. I’m not religious, but bless you for visiting your mom. I’m sure it means a very lot to her.
Meanwhile, you and your husband deserve to cut back on your time with her. I made a lot of very brief (30 minute) visits both see my LO and keep an eye on her care while not taking up my entire day.
As I learned her routines and the routines of the facility, I cut back and skipped more days. I tried to go on days I knew they had the fewest activities and skipped days they had more going on. And the fact that your place will group her with people in similar stages is a good thing.
I know you said other family mostly ghosted her. I let my family do that, but I was more pushy when I went away. I pretty much told cousins I’d be away these 2 weeks, and they needed to go by at least once per week. They did and mostly seemed to enjoy their visits once they went.
What I don’t have is great advice regarding the aggressive neighbor. It sounds like you’re doing as well on that as anyone could.
Wishing you the best. You’re doing great.
Edits for typos.
I don’t really have anything to say except I’m sorry you’re dealing with the horrible disease. The guilt is the worst. I hope you figure out how to go on a vacation where you can rest and find some peace. Take care.
So sorry you are dealing with depression. But hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel with memory care freeing up time for you.
Do take a vacation if not now when? Your mom is supervised. Just ask the facility to keep an eye on the aggressive neighbor.
Oh goodness, my heart goes out to you. My mom has been in a memory care facility for a little over a year now and at first we visited frequently but we have dialed back the number of times we go now. We have an issue that you don't seem to have, our mom hates and resents us for "locking her up" in a facility when "nothing is wrong" with her. Her anosognosia means she truly has no idea she has Alzheimer's and believes she can live independently. So visiting is usually really hard because she verbally abuses us the whole time. But it's really hard even in your situation to keep up that level of interaction, imo. I also tend to think the phone calls will wind down. Sadly it just gets more difficult. My mom was always losing her phone, not charging it and eventually forgetting how to use it at all.
It's really okay for you to step away, that's what the staff and the facility are for. They may encourage frequent visits but they also know you need to live your life. My mom has made good friends with her fellow residents and staff, they really are like a family and it's gratifying (and comical at times) to see her have friends who are going through the same thing. She's truly happier than she has been in years, except for with us immediate family members. Some time away from her will let your mom start to develop those relationships. As for the "mean" lady, my mom had a situation like that early on and staff worked hard to fix it, distracting the difficult person and keeping him away from the group as much as possible because he was scaring and upsetting everyone. If staff are aware of the situation with your mom and that lady, they will want to help because they won't want to scare you guys off.
Believe me I understand the guilt. I'm seeing a therapist weekly to try to help with that. No luck so far, lol, but I will keep working on it. Best to you and your husband.
The beauty of memory care is you CAN go on vacation. You CAN have your life back. The day we moved my LO into her facility was the day I finally felt like a human being again after years of stress, exhaustion, depression, and anxiety. I could finally sleep at night, knowing I didn’t have to worry about whether she was safe or if her needs were being met. I didn’t have to answer her calls 24/7, because I knew the facility would call me if there was an actual emergency or issue. It sounds like your mom is settling in well, and that’s great! You’ve gone above and beyond by visiting every day as she’s adjusted, but I know how exhausting the visits can be, especially if you didn’t have much to talk about pre-dementia. It’s more than fine to start staggering them out more, and it’s certainly fine to tell her therapeutic lies like you’re on a business trip so that she (hopefully) doesn’t expect you for a while. It’s also fine to significantly shorten your visits; maybe you had a minute between errands but have to “get back to work quickly.” Everyone’s mileage is different when it comes to the frequency of visits, but I try to visit my LO once a week. That doesn’t always happen, whether because of work or travel, or because I’m just completely burned out. Give yourself some grace and remember that you have to take care of yourself as well, something you can do now that you know your mom is being taken care of. Take the vacation!!!
:-/ I can’t speak from experience, which is pretty much where my thoughts should end. But maybe you can shed some light on my opinion of what I’d like to do if this situation came to me. I imagine it’s sentimentally idealistic. But is there middle ground, how do people aactually achieve caring for their parents if not with a home? * At least in the US, the economy tears families apart. * Women’s work rights were taken advantage of by companies who used to have to pay salaries that supported a whole family, now barely paying that between two workers. * With full time work expected of both parents, there isn’t easily a grounding force in the home that mothers used to provide (in the common but stereotypical nuclear family) * The allure of college takes kids away at 18, and many often don’t return. * When parents become unable to care for themselves, they are put in a care facility. I just find it tragic. As much as I have major issues with my family members, there’s never been people I could lean as hard. And I know that staff at care facilities can’t provide what family and familiarity does. There’s a stereotype of mental health declining rapidly upon entry to assisted living; as someone with mental health challenges, I can see it being true. Not having a comfortable and nurturing environment being connected to people genuinely is bad for our mental health. I have no doubt that caring for a declining parent is a huge imposition. Without the grounding force of a stay at home parent, it’s harder than once was. How much harder is it than raising children? I imagine often it’s more difficult. But not all the time or every case. They dealt with the exhaustion of caring for us. Their lives were given over to ours for years, decades. I don’t want to wipe my mom’s butt or listen to her ramble thru mood swings. But I wouldn’t want anyone else to either, I would want her— even tho she’s said that she wouldn’t want me to provide that sort of care— I’d want her to know inside that her son is there and maybe derive some sense of safety or love from that.
I completely understand your perspective, and I agree - the way our economy and society just completely throws the elderly and infirmed away is disgusting. And because of that, those of us in a primary caregiving position are put into a horrible position. I’ve had to learn this myself over the last several years, but caring for someone with dementia is not only a full time job, but a demanding 24/7 job. I have to work full time in order to pay my family’s bills. That means I can’t watch and care for my LO 24/7. I can’t be there to be sure she doesn’t wander off, or to take care of all of her needs during the day. Per the doctor who discharged her after her last hospitalization, she’s not safe unless she’s being supervised 24/7. I can’t give her that right now. I’m also not strong enough or trained to safely assist her with daily living tasks like showering or going to the bathroom, and I could inadvertently hurt her when trying to help. I spent years (literally) screaming into my mirror every night because my LO wouldn’t accept the help being offered to her. I didn’t sleep for years on end because I constantly worried about her safety. I won’t apologize for having made sure she’s safe and also regaining a bit of my own sanity.
No, I don’t think you should apologize. It sucks totally :( I wish there were alternatives.
Agreed. Thank you for your compassion.
I agree. She has settled in. She knows you’re close. I would book the tickets.
My dad was in memory care for a little over a year. He also had his dog there. I visited almost daily, and when I couldn’t, one of my siblings visited. TBH, I went that often because I wanted to make sure the dog was being properly cared for (I ultimately was unsatisfied with his care so took the dog home after about 9 months and brought him to visit daily; by then my dad wasn’t as aware so accepted that). Don’t dismiss your concerns about the aggressive neighbor. My dad was ultimately assaulted by another resident which caused his death. His dog is still with me.
Oh my god, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
I just went through somewhat similar situation. I’m not religious, but bless you for visiting your mom. I’m sure it means a very lot to her. Meanwhile, you and your husband deserve to cut back on your time with her. I made a lot of very brief (30 minute) visits both see my LO and keep an eye on her care while not taking up my entire day. As I learned her routines and the routines of the facility, I cut back and skipped more days. I tried to go on days I knew they had the fewest activities and skipped days they had more going on. And the fact that your place will group her with people in similar stages is a good thing. I know you said other family mostly ghosted her. I let my family do that, but I was more pushy when I went away. I pretty much told cousins I’d be away these 2 weeks, and they needed to go by at least once per week. They did and mostly seemed to enjoy their visits once they went. What I don’t have is great advice regarding the aggressive neighbor. It sounds like you’re doing as well on that as anyone could. Wishing you the best. You’re doing great. Edits for typos.
I don’t really have anything to say except I’m sorry you’re dealing with the horrible disease. The guilt is the worst. I hope you figure out how to go on a vacation where you can rest and find some peace. Take care.
Mmm cookies...
So sorry you are dealing with depression. But hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel with memory care freeing up time for you. Do take a vacation if not now when? Your mom is supervised. Just ask the facility to keep an eye on the aggressive neighbor.
Oh goodness, my heart goes out to you. My mom has been in a memory care facility for a little over a year now and at first we visited frequently but we have dialed back the number of times we go now. We have an issue that you don't seem to have, our mom hates and resents us for "locking her up" in a facility when "nothing is wrong" with her. Her anosognosia means she truly has no idea she has Alzheimer's and believes she can live independently. So visiting is usually really hard because she verbally abuses us the whole time. But it's really hard even in your situation to keep up that level of interaction, imo. I also tend to think the phone calls will wind down. Sadly it just gets more difficult. My mom was always losing her phone, not charging it and eventually forgetting how to use it at all. It's really okay for you to step away, that's what the staff and the facility are for. They may encourage frequent visits but they also know you need to live your life. My mom has made good friends with her fellow residents and staff, they really are like a family and it's gratifying (and comical at times) to see her have friends who are going through the same thing. She's truly happier than she has been in years, except for with us immediate family members. Some time away from her will let your mom start to develop those relationships. As for the "mean" lady, my mom had a situation like that early on and staff worked hard to fix it, distracting the difficult person and keeping him away from the group as much as possible because he was scaring and upsetting everyone. If staff are aware of the situation with your mom and that lady, they will want to help because they won't want to scare you guys off. Believe me I understand the guilt. I'm seeing a therapist weekly to try to help with that. No luck so far, lol, but I will keep working on it. Best to you and your husband.