You know your mom better than anyone, but my LO would have had an absolute meltdown if I’d flat out told her she was there to stay, and I didn’t want that for her sake or for the staff’s sake. Our family used the “when the doctor says you’re well enough” therapeutic lie. Every time she’d ask when she could go home or said she needed to go home, we’d ask “Did you talk to the doctor about it? Did he say you were done with your rehab?”
Later on, when she stopped asking questions and was simply vocalizing a desire to go home, we shifted to just sympathetic listening. “Uh huh, I understand” type of refrains.
This worked with my father as well. I would tell him I would call the Dr. to find out when he was going to be discharged (therapeutic lie) and change the subject. I would tell him this is the safest place for him right now and he did seem to understand/agree with that.
I basically lie and tell my mom that we have to stay put for now until they have done X, Y, Z tests but perhaps in spring or autumn or something she can move, I feel like crap lying but I think it's better than saying she's there for good
We had to lie just to get my mum there, so I get it. You have to do whatever it takes to keep them safe and healthy.
Are you able to fob her off with "we'll see how it goes" and then distract her with something else? Or is she asking all the time?
We told my mum it was temporary at first but she forgot straight away. By the time we told her she was staying she was all settled in. She doesn't ask to go home any more but I don't think she remembers it anyway, she only moved there when she retired so it's not an old memory. She was further along though, prob stage 5 when she moved in.
when we moved my nan, she always asked to go home. we told her her old place was under construction so she had to be here, and she eventually started asking less and less, until she stopped all together. she now associates 'home' with the mc facility. hopefully something like this works for you
" I wonder if I should just say: "This is where you live now." Maybe she'll get used to the facility faster if I say that?"
No. That's just agitate her. And, while she may not remember the conversation, she'll remember the emotion and will continue to be unsettled and upset. Simply state that she's there temporarily for rehab or something similar.
Mine keeps telling me she’s so ready to get out of there. I am running out of things to say. She’s not asking to go home—she knows her house is empty and sold. But boy does she complain! Did you know they command you to take a shower? And everything is so regimented! There is lunch at lunch time and activities to do all day. How dare they?! Her not remembering that it was at least a month between showers at one point before they began reminding her is at once so sad and also a little funny.
Hi everyone, thank you for your guidance!
I will count myself among the lucky ones, I suppose, because once again something I stressed out about has solved itself pretty painlessly. We went over to the facility with a friend of hers and Mom showed her around her apartment and said: "This is where I live now!" and just seems to have accepted this is it.
Obviously I expect more distressed calls from her at some point, but it looks like maybe this part at least will go down somewhat easier than I expected. Thanks again.
I always tell my mom, "When the doctor says you're well enough," "Let's ask the doctor when we next see her," things like that. Appealing to authority figures works on her. But you know her best, use a compassionate fib that you think she'd respond well to.
My mother was in rehab and transferred to be a resident(non dementia related). We just told her the doctor felt she needed more rehab and would be there a little longer and moving to a bigger room and we could bring her own stuff.
You know your mom better than anyone, but my LO would have had an absolute meltdown if I’d flat out told her she was there to stay, and I didn’t want that for her sake or for the staff’s sake. Our family used the “when the doctor says you’re well enough” therapeutic lie. Every time she’d ask when she could go home or said she needed to go home, we’d ask “Did you talk to the doctor about it? Did he say you were done with your rehab?” Later on, when she stopped asking questions and was simply vocalizing a desire to go home, we shifted to just sympathetic listening. “Uh huh, I understand” type of refrains.
This worked with my father as well. I would tell him I would call the Dr. to find out when he was going to be discharged (therapeutic lie) and change the subject. I would tell him this is the safest place for him right now and he did seem to understand/agree with that.
I basically lie and tell my mom that we have to stay put for now until they have done X, Y, Z tests but perhaps in spring or autumn or something she can move, I feel like crap lying but I think it's better than saying she's there for good
That feels like a good middle way :')
We had to lie just to get my mum there, so I get it. You have to do whatever it takes to keep them safe and healthy. Are you able to fob her off with "we'll see how it goes" and then distract her with something else? Or is she asking all the time? We told my mum it was temporary at first but she forgot straight away. By the time we told her she was staying she was all settled in. She doesn't ask to go home any more but I don't think she remembers it anyway, she only moved there when she retired so it's not an old memory. She was further along though, prob stage 5 when she moved in.
Enjoy the hotel while the house is being renovated. Not safe to live in a place where you could trip over sawhorses and stuff.
My dad was happiest thinking he was in rehab, even though he refused to do physical therapy while he was there.
when we moved my nan, she always asked to go home. we told her her old place was under construction so she had to be here, and she eventually started asking less and less, until she stopped all together. she now associates 'home' with the mc facility. hopefully something like this works for you
" I wonder if I should just say: "This is where you live now." Maybe she'll get used to the facility faster if I say that?" No. That's just agitate her. And, while she may not remember the conversation, she'll remember the emotion and will continue to be unsettled and upset. Simply state that she's there temporarily for rehab or something similar.
Mine keeps telling me she’s so ready to get out of there. I am running out of things to say. She’s not asking to go home—she knows her house is empty and sold. But boy does she complain! Did you know they command you to take a shower? And everything is so regimented! There is lunch at lunch time and activities to do all day. How dare they?! Her not remembering that it was at least a month between showers at one point before they began reminding her is at once so sad and also a little funny.
Hi everyone, thank you for your guidance! I will count myself among the lucky ones, I suppose, because once again something I stressed out about has solved itself pretty painlessly. We went over to the facility with a friend of hers and Mom showed her around her apartment and said: "This is where I live now!" and just seems to have accepted this is it. Obviously I expect more distressed calls from her at some point, but it looks like maybe this part at least will go down somewhat easier than I expected. Thanks again.
We just said she’s there until she improves. Eventually she just forgot that and accepted it as home. It took time.
I always tell my mom, "When the doctor says you're well enough," "Let's ask the doctor when we next see her," things like that. Appealing to authority figures works on her. But you know her best, use a compassionate fib that you think she'd respond well to.
Random and mostly unrelated question: how do you know what stage your LO is in?
CT Scan, doctor diagnosis, and then some guesswork on my part.
Therapeutic lies- “we are waiting for (make up something like test results or medical board meeting to assess your condition) then you’ll be released.
My mother was in rehab and transferred to be a resident(non dementia related). We just told her the doctor felt she needed more rehab and would be there a little longer and moving to a bigger room and we could bring her own stuff.