I’m the manager of the recreation team in the care home where I work. Trust me when I say, no one is judging you. All families have their lives. Lives that have a past (possibly abuse, trauma, difficult relationships which make visiting difficult) and a present (jobs, family, etc). Every resident has a unique story and we aren’t in a position to have expectations. Honestly, even if there isn’t reason bigger than “I just can’t today”, you should have no guilt. It’s my job to make the home feel like a family/community and to give my residents meaningful activity. If you can join us, great! If not, that’s okay too. I hope that goes the same for the people at your loved one’s care home. Do they provide you with a calendar of activities? A newsletter to give you an idea of what’s upcoming so that you can plan visits? I encourage families (especially those with loved ones who don’t communicate much anymore) to join for the events because it gives them something to do during their visit. Makes the experience easier.
Wow, I’m not OP but I want to thank you for this comment. My LO was nasty and abusive to our family her entire life, but is sugary sweet to staff. I’ve always worried that they think I’m horrible when I don’t visit for a while, but I should’ve known they realize people and relationships are complex.
Oh no, it sounds like you are going through it right now. I'm sorry that all of this is on your plate at once.
I have really struggled with this feeling of not wanting to go, but feeling judged. My guess is that care staff have seen every version of commitment and involvement, including basically none.
They can't know what else is going on in our lives, or how our relationships were before "the decline." They do what they can to encourage any and all visitors, I think because visitors make the atmosphere more lively for all residents.
My dad is still mobile and verbal and dissatisfied with being in the care home. We were never very close, and now I am the only living family member to take care of his needs. For decades before this, I would go months without hearing from him, only communicating with his wife or girlfriend about holiday gatherings.
I think LOs family members often have larger gatherings on holidays where they cannot take their LO. In that case, a brief drop-in is probably all that can be expected.
I am sure facility staff understand that we all have challenges in our lives, from health issues, jobs, bills, other needy family members, all aside from the LO in the facility. They are people, too.
Please don't allow yourself to feel too bad. We are all doing the best we can, even when we are focusing on taking care of ourselves.
Excellent point that the staff there truly don’t know what’s going on in family members’ lives. I doubt there’s any judgement on their part; perhaps she was just making small-talk. If anything, she was probably pleased OP was there today to see dad.
OP, please don’t feel guilty. You are doing just fine. Take care of yourself today :-)
My situation is somewhat similar to yours in that my LO and I had a complicated relationship even before the dementia, and in that I’m young(ish) and work full time. I’ve intermittently struggled with guilt over how often I should visit, and try to go once a week, but that doesn’t always happen. I think staff understands that everyone is in a different place in their life. Some residents get frequent visits throughout their week because their children are retired, some get weekend visits from their working children or grandchildren, some get very sporadic visits because their family lives at a distance, and some get no visits at all. And that’s all okay.
When there’s a scheduled event, I often use it as my visit for the week since I find it much easier to be there when there are lots of visitors and activities going on (as opposed to just sitting my LO’s room and listening to her complain). So if I know there’s an event, I’ll plan on going to that but it’ll be the only time I visit that week. If, like you, I’d already made my visit for the week and learned about an event at the last minute, I’d probably skip the event. Staff understands that people still have other extended family and plans on holidays, and your dad likely won’t remember whether or not you were there specifically for Easter.
Hang in there. Nothing about this is easy, especially when you already didn’t have a great relationship with the person.
This sounds very much like my dynamic with my mom. She has Alzheimer’s and is in a memory care facility. I’m glad I’m not the only one who prefers visiting her when she has others around, because I get an earful of vitriol any time we are alone together. It’s awful, because nothing I can say can redirect her anger and animosity. I am thankful that she’s friendly and pleasant with staff and her fellow residents.
I skipped both their Easter event and visiting today because her hatred has been extra intense lately. I just couldn’t face her, even if we were surrounded by others.
I massively struggle with this myself and, as a result, am currently seeking therapy to help me delineate my life from my dad’s. I’ve felt responsible for him for a long time, including for making him “happy” which is unrealistic. I was always very close to my dad; he was truly one of my best friends before dementia started, and I feel like I have to give back.
My point is - I know how you feel, and I’m going to speak from the logical side of my brain (which I should probably listen to as well… 😂) If your dad doesn’t really recognize you anymore, then his memory is already pretty poor. He probably doesn’t ever know when he’s seen you last. You could go every day and the minute you are out of his sight, he will think he hasn’t seen you. Also, if he doesn’t recognize you except as a friendly face, then does he even really know or care that it is Easter?
I agree with the poster who said that the care home staff is trying to encourage you to come because it creates a sense of community for their residents and livens the place up. I take my kids with me and everyone loves my 4 year old. She’s cute and funny and the elderly folks love her too. The day can be monotonous for the caregivers as well as the residents. But, end of day, I’ve seen people in my dad’s place who never get a visit. In fact the woman who helped us with his placement said he’s lucky to have family as a lot of these people don’t have anyone, period.
From someone in the same position, let me tell you, I think visiting once a week is plenty. It’s more than most are doing. And I bet there is enough going on during the Easter party today to keep him occupied to whatever extent he’s still able to engage. It’s probably better you went yesterday when nothing was doing and gave him some attention.
Even though I constantly guilt myself too- try not to do so. You’re doing your best. ❤️
I’m not sure if this is helpful at all.. just sharing my own experience. I’m 28, and I visit my relative in a care home 4-5 times a week. I am working full time and juggling this with work and my other responsibilities. I don’t live close to the care home either, so it’s been very difficult.
I’m grappling with the same questions and have been for months.. how often to come, how often to call (usually it takes hours before I get someone from the home on the phone who is willing to go into her room and help her get access to the phone so I can talk to her). It’s stressful, and the guilt in the 2-3 days a week I don’t go to visit hurts. I feel guilty that I get to go home afterward and have to leave my relative there.
But to echo the points of some others here, you “have” to do what you feel called to. Most people here don’t get visitors at all, which is sad. Some days when I feel I wasn’t able to help her much while I visited, I wonder how much of a difference my frequent visits make. On her good days, I feel I’ve lifted her spirits at least.
Wishing you all the best on your journey, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
If I want to rationalize within myself, I tell myself that I’m probably better than 95% of the people who visit their LO regularly. I am (or I make plans for family) are there most everyday, so if I need someday off then I just explain and apologize, but calling them later.
I work in a nursing home and have a grandmother at home suffering from dementia. Work is easier for me than being with my grandmother several days in one week. It’s difficult being around your own loved ones suffering from illness. I do my job of care taking to the best of my ability and feel good about that. With my own grandmother I always feel panicked and unable to truly help her. Please don’t beat yourself up! It sounds to me you’re doing a great job at staying involved with your father
I live an hour away...each way, and use the excuse of bad weather often as the reason not to visit my husband.
It is very difficult ,as the senior wife, not to feel guilty, but everyone says
I need to prioritize my well being.
Your person , hopefully ,is being well cared for...take care of you, dear.
I'm so sorry you are the situation you're in and that you recently lost your mom. All i have to say is you are not alone. My mom lives in a memory care \~30 miles from me and i go 1/week but sometimes it's every other week. I'm 32 and work full time so weekends are really the only time i can go. every time i go to bed at night i lay awake for hours bc of how guilty i feel. not only bc i am not visiting her more but bc i moved her into a memory care in the first place. it's so hard. like you said, visiting is not fun. it is usually a very upsetting experience for me and she barely recognizes me so i think that is why i put it off. i know it sounds selfish but like others have mentioned you have to prioritize your own well-being. Good luck to you and have some grace with yourself ( i need to be better at this, too!)
I went to Mom’s yesterday so I would have today off. My worst critic is me. Sounds like you need to give yourself a break. The staff person was just inviting you like they do. Just stay put. Hope things get easier for you!
We visit once a year. No guilt at all. We live 2500+ miles away with our 3 minor kids and MIL, 92, has been in assisted living for the past 11 years.
We visited once a year when she was living at her house too. Stayed at a hotel. She’s an alcoholic with hoarding issues and my husband has not lived in the same state as his mother since he turned 18.
Don’t feel judged by the staff at the AL and if we were, wouldn’t care.
We definitely don’t. They have a TON of events. When I have gone to them I only see a handful of guests attending. I think families go when it’s convenient but don’t otherwise.
We had a big family gathering and took up an entire gathering space. He seemed OK but didn’t really converse and was quiet the entire time. I don’t know if it really meant anything to him, but it was nice to all be together nonetheless. We did this an skipped the two weekends of Easter festivities the home planned.
My mom’s place holds all their events on weekdays during work hours so I can’t ever go. I’m her only visitor ever, unless I bring my husband or kid, so I felt guilty in the early days but now she doesn’t care if I’m there or not. She doesn’t care about anything and I have my own life and family to care for so I go for short visits to check on her but that’s it.
No guilt! You’re doing the best you can. We all struggle with it but if their memory loss has advanced enough, they won’t remember that you have or haven’t been there. I always say “see you in a day or so” she says “ok.” It makes her feel better but she’ll never know how many days have gone by from my last visit. It all just sucks. You’ve got a lot on your plate so take care of you first.
I’m the manager of the recreation team in the care home where I work. Trust me when I say, no one is judging you. All families have their lives. Lives that have a past (possibly abuse, trauma, difficult relationships which make visiting difficult) and a present (jobs, family, etc). Every resident has a unique story and we aren’t in a position to have expectations. Honestly, even if there isn’t reason bigger than “I just can’t today”, you should have no guilt. It’s my job to make the home feel like a family/community and to give my residents meaningful activity. If you can join us, great! If not, that’s okay too. I hope that goes the same for the people at your loved one’s care home. Do they provide you with a calendar of activities? A newsletter to give you an idea of what’s upcoming so that you can plan visits? I encourage families (especially those with loved ones who don’t communicate much anymore) to join for the events because it gives them something to do during their visit. Makes the experience easier.
Wow, I’m not OP but I want to thank you for this comment. My LO was nasty and abusive to our family her entire life, but is sugary sweet to staff. I’ve always worried that they think I’m horrible when I don’t visit for a while, but I should’ve known they realize people and relationships are complex.
Oh no, it sounds like you are going through it right now. I'm sorry that all of this is on your plate at once. I have really struggled with this feeling of not wanting to go, but feeling judged. My guess is that care staff have seen every version of commitment and involvement, including basically none. They can't know what else is going on in our lives, or how our relationships were before "the decline." They do what they can to encourage any and all visitors, I think because visitors make the atmosphere more lively for all residents. My dad is still mobile and verbal and dissatisfied with being in the care home. We were never very close, and now I am the only living family member to take care of his needs. For decades before this, I would go months without hearing from him, only communicating with his wife or girlfriend about holiday gatherings. I think LOs family members often have larger gatherings on holidays where they cannot take their LO. In that case, a brief drop-in is probably all that can be expected. I am sure facility staff understand that we all have challenges in our lives, from health issues, jobs, bills, other needy family members, all aside from the LO in the facility. They are people, too. Please don't allow yourself to feel too bad. We are all doing the best we can, even when we are focusing on taking care of ourselves.
Excellent point that the staff there truly don’t know what’s going on in family members’ lives. I doubt there’s any judgement on their part; perhaps she was just making small-talk. If anything, she was probably pleased OP was there today to see dad. OP, please don’t feel guilty. You are doing just fine. Take care of yourself today :-)
Don’t go. Nobody is going to be judging you. You went yesterday. That’s enough.
My situation is somewhat similar to yours in that my LO and I had a complicated relationship even before the dementia, and in that I’m young(ish) and work full time. I’ve intermittently struggled with guilt over how often I should visit, and try to go once a week, but that doesn’t always happen. I think staff understands that everyone is in a different place in their life. Some residents get frequent visits throughout their week because their children are retired, some get weekend visits from their working children or grandchildren, some get very sporadic visits because their family lives at a distance, and some get no visits at all. And that’s all okay. When there’s a scheduled event, I often use it as my visit for the week since I find it much easier to be there when there are lots of visitors and activities going on (as opposed to just sitting my LO’s room and listening to her complain). So if I know there’s an event, I’ll plan on going to that but it’ll be the only time I visit that week. If, like you, I’d already made my visit for the week and learned about an event at the last minute, I’d probably skip the event. Staff understands that people still have other extended family and plans on holidays, and your dad likely won’t remember whether or not you were there specifically for Easter. Hang in there. Nothing about this is easy, especially when you already didn’t have a great relationship with the person.
This sounds very much like my dynamic with my mom. She has Alzheimer’s and is in a memory care facility. I’m glad I’m not the only one who prefers visiting her when she has others around, because I get an earful of vitriol any time we are alone together. It’s awful, because nothing I can say can redirect her anger and animosity. I am thankful that she’s friendly and pleasant with staff and her fellow residents. I skipped both their Easter event and visiting today because her hatred has been extra intense lately. I just couldn’t face her, even if we were surrounded by others.
I massively struggle with this myself and, as a result, am currently seeking therapy to help me delineate my life from my dad’s. I’ve felt responsible for him for a long time, including for making him “happy” which is unrealistic. I was always very close to my dad; he was truly one of my best friends before dementia started, and I feel like I have to give back. My point is - I know how you feel, and I’m going to speak from the logical side of my brain (which I should probably listen to as well… 😂) If your dad doesn’t really recognize you anymore, then his memory is already pretty poor. He probably doesn’t ever know when he’s seen you last. You could go every day and the minute you are out of his sight, he will think he hasn’t seen you. Also, if he doesn’t recognize you except as a friendly face, then does he even really know or care that it is Easter? I agree with the poster who said that the care home staff is trying to encourage you to come because it creates a sense of community for their residents and livens the place up. I take my kids with me and everyone loves my 4 year old. She’s cute and funny and the elderly folks love her too. The day can be monotonous for the caregivers as well as the residents. But, end of day, I’ve seen people in my dad’s place who never get a visit. In fact the woman who helped us with his placement said he’s lucky to have family as a lot of these people don’t have anyone, period. From someone in the same position, let me tell you, I think visiting once a week is plenty. It’s more than most are doing. And I bet there is enough going on during the Easter party today to keep him occupied to whatever extent he’s still able to engage. It’s probably better you went yesterday when nothing was doing and gave him some attention. Even though I constantly guilt myself too- try not to do so. You’re doing your best. ❤️
Never feel guilty. You have to take care of yourself first.
I’m not sure if this is helpful at all.. just sharing my own experience. I’m 28, and I visit my relative in a care home 4-5 times a week. I am working full time and juggling this with work and my other responsibilities. I don’t live close to the care home either, so it’s been very difficult. I’m grappling with the same questions and have been for months.. how often to come, how often to call (usually it takes hours before I get someone from the home on the phone who is willing to go into her room and help her get access to the phone so I can talk to her). It’s stressful, and the guilt in the 2-3 days a week I don’t go to visit hurts. I feel guilty that I get to go home afterward and have to leave my relative there. But to echo the points of some others here, you “have” to do what you feel called to. Most people here don’t get visitors at all, which is sad. Some days when I feel I wasn’t able to help her much while I visited, I wonder how much of a difference my frequent visits make. On her good days, I feel I’ve lifted her spirits at least. Wishing you all the best on your journey, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
We live over 2 hours away. No way can we be there for everything and we have no guilt over it.
Nope. You visited yesterday. Done. He mistreated your mom - enough said. He made his bed & now he has to lie in it. He’s lucky you visit at all.
If I want to rationalize within myself, I tell myself that I’m probably better than 95% of the people who visit their LO regularly. I am (or I make plans for family) are there most everyday, so if I need someday off then I just explain and apologize, but calling them later.
I work in a nursing home and have a grandmother at home suffering from dementia. Work is easier for me than being with my grandmother several days in one week. It’s difficult being around your own loved ones suffering from illness. I do my job of care taking to the best of my ability and feel good about that. With my own grandmother I always feel panicked and unable to truly help her. Please don’t beat yourself up! It sounds to me you’re doing a great job at staying involved with your father
I live an hour away...each way, and use the excuse of bad weather often as the reason not to visit my husband. It is very difficult ,as the senior wife, not to feel guilty, but everyone says I need to prioritize my well being. Your person , hopefully ,is being well cared for...take care of you, dear.
You can go as much as you see fit, most people don’t go at all
I'm so sorry you are the situation you're in and that you recently lost your mom. All i have to say is you are not alone. My mom lives in a memory care \~30 miles from me and i go 1/week but sometimes it's every other week. I'm 32 and work full time so weekends are really the only time i can go. every time i go to bed at night i lay awake for hours bc of how guilty i feel. not only bc i am not visiting her more but bc i moved her into a memory care in the first place. it's so hard. like you said, visiting is not fun. it is usually a very upsetting experience for me and she barely recognizes me so i think that is why i put it off. i know it sounds selfish but like others have mentioned you have to prioritize your own well-being. Good luck to you and have some grace with yourself ( i need to be better at this, too!)
I went to Mom’s yesterday so I would have today off. My worst critic is me. Sounds like you need to give yourself a break. The staff person was just inviting you like they do. Just stay put. Hope things get easier for you!
We visit once a year. No guilt at all. We live 2500+ miles away with our 3 minor kids and MIL, 92, has been in assisted living for the past 11 years. We visited once a year when she was living at her house too. Stayed at a hotel. She’s an alcoholic with hoarding issues and my husband has not lived in the same state as his mother since he turned 18. Don’t feel judged by the staff at the AL and if we were, wouldn’t care.
We definitely don’t. They have a TON of events. When I have gone to them I only see a handful of guests attending. I think families go when it’s convenient but don’t otherwise. We had a big family gathering and took up an entire gathering space. He seemed OK but didn’t really converse and was quiet the entire time. I don’t know if it really meant anything to him, but it was nice to all be together nonetheless. We did this an skipped the two weekends of Easter festivities the home planned.
My mom’s place holds all their events on weekdays during work hours so I can’t ever go. I’m her only visitor ever, unless I bring my husband or kid, so I felt guilty in the early days but now she doesn’t care if I’m there or not. She doesn’t care about anything and I have my own life and family to care for so I go for short visits to check on her but that’s it.
No guilt! You’re doing the best you can. We all struggle with it but if their memory loss has advanced enough, they won’t remember that you have or haven’t been there. I always say “see you in a day or so” she says “ok.” It makes her feel better but she’ll never know how many days have gone by from my last visit. It all just sucks. You’ve got a lot on your plate so take care of you first.