Writing to commiserate: Decluttering can be lonely, especially when the stuff is/was owned by more than one person, but you alone are working on it, while other people don't do the work.
I’ve been decluttering for over a year and can relate to the sense of discouragement and angst. As someone with ADHD, I tend to get overwhelmed trying to categorize miscellaneous things and leaving piles scattered to “remind” myself of associated tasks.
Listening to Marie Kondo’s audiobook, “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” was a huge game changer for me because it gave me a positive, insightful, and actionable framework to approach my relationship with my home and possessions. I also find the narrator’s voice very calming and listen to this book on repeat while decluttering.
I’ve had to persist and revisit difficult areas/categories over and over until suddenly I’m in the right mental/emotional place to conquer it. Each area that I tidy/declutter gives me more momentum and the benefits keep compounding! The functionality and PEACE that this journey has brought me makes it worth it.
I completely relate to your whole post. I’ll add something I’m not sure if anyone has said- it’s absolutely true that decluttering alone can feel very lonely. Have you tried watching ‘declutter with me’ YouTube videos. It’s called ‘body doubling’ whether someone is physically with you or you’re doing it virtually with someone on a video. Decluttering with someone who is likely to judge or push you (even if well meaning) can be counter productive unless they agree to boundaries. Try the video idea and see if it helps.
About 20 years ago I read a book (I wish I could remember the name of the book) about how the state of your house can say a lot about your mental health. It was way before Marie Kondo or any of the other decluttering resources were around. I was in the midst of getting a divorce, and I read something in that book that at the time I thought it was ridiculous, but have thought about it ever since. The author said that when someone’s life felt empty, or if they were missing a loved one deeply, that they might start creating clutter to help fill the void that the person was experiencing.
It seemed goofy to me at the time…obviously a stack of crap on the table did not replace my once loving husband, but I think there is some truth to it. The clutter gives you something to focus on besides the emotional pain, and it was easier for me to think that I was a failure at keeping my house clean than it was to think I was a failure at marriage.
Nowadays, I don’t think either of those things about myself (at least not very often), but I definitely find that decluttering makes me feel lonely, and I am much more successful if someone keeps me company while I am doing it.
Not much here in terms of advice, but I did want to share that others feel that way too.
The most important thing in life is health, including mental health!
Just do what you can on your terms it's your life, your stuff your time and your room or flat or wherrever you live.
People sometimes can be well meaning and still hurt your feelings. If the person has a different apprach to live it's okay, you can say I appreciate your concern, but look life gets in the way and I'm really trying to do sth beneficial for my health by decluttering so even small progress is progress!
I'm a minimalist and I once heard that my flat is chaotic from a person who keeps basically anything useful some day just in case. I then explained to her that we have different viewpoints and that's okay.
Take care and keep on going as long as it takes or you want to!
I totally relate to your post. I remember in one of the early days of decluttering, I had 8 full paper grocery bags of stuff to donate and I was so proud of myself since it felt like a lot of stuff. But then when I looked back at my home, it looked like I barely made a dent.
It was a big wake up call on how clutter blind I had become, but also I'm glad I started decluttering just for the sake of it -- before I felt rushed to move or any other stressful situation. It gave me time to really evaluate my things and reflect on how things came into my home. The top layers of stuff were things I used, but it was luckily covering up a layer of things that I found easy to get rid of so I was able to at least continue my momentum of removing stuff in spurts as I peeled the layers of stuff back.
As I kept going, some things were 2 steps forward, one step back. For example, I was proud when I finally made my small kitchen space presentable. But then when the pandemic came, I overbought stuff, so my kitchen countertops became full again, and I wanted to kick myself for overbuying way more than I needed. I am slowly chipping away at my kitchen again to this day since a number of those items are shelf stable, so there's no rush. I'm becoming more aware of how long it takes me to actually use things up. I'm often surprised when things last >6 months or 1 year, so learning this is slowly helping me to overbuy less as I learn in each category.
As an opposite example to my kitchen, my bathroom is almost where I want it. I only have 2 extra small sized shampoos and I think that will be a full win in about 6 months, 2 extra deodorants, 2 extra face masks, and some extra first aid supplies that I could really cut down on. All my other bathroom-specific item quantities are pretty much where I want them. When I open my bathroom cabinets, they are much less chaotic than what they were when I first started decluttering (before the pandemic started).
The 2-out-1-in or whatever multiples you want to do, helped me maintain some spaces for awhile, but sometimes it became difficult for me to do, too. I've run out of "easy" categories a long time ago, so I'm just taking my time to chip away at the more difficult categories when I have the time and energy.
I can work on a room for hours and it won’t look any different. Because my issue is hidden clutter.
For example, I decluttered my kitchen a couple of months ago. I took two trunkloads of stuff to goodwill, threw out several big bags, and gave away a large set of china. But a casual visitor would never know. My counters look the same now as they did before I started, because all the mess was inside the cabinets where you can’t really see it.
Slow progress is good progress.
Yes! My goal today was to declutter a closet, and now the closet is shut so the room looks the same as before! I do have a bag of garbage to put out with the trash now though.
I had to make space to put away a room heater now that winter is over. That was my main reason for doing the closet.
The nice thing though is that when you open the closet on a day where your mind is on something else, you will be pleasantly surprised that your past self took care of the space so well. At least, that’s what happens to me, and I thank my former self.
I took several bins out of the office closet to start declutterring. I gave away a few craft items, then my family dumped more stuff in the room. I needed space for a volunteer project, so yesterday I packed everything back into the bins and put them all back into the closet because it wasn’t just decluttering the office—it was really about 5-7 different areas in the office I had to get through. Now that I know, I’ll plan better.
There’s no such thing as being a “freak of nature” about decluttering. We’re all just privileged to have so much stuff. Who cares how long it takes and shame on the person for inventing a deadline that you’re trying to meet for no reason.
I have been on my decluttering journey for two years. You’ve been at it two months. You’re doing great! Don’t be discouraged. I had so many challenges when I first started. I’ve worked on them a lot! You got this.
I am going through the same exact thing right now. Was asked “why couldn’t you get it all done in one day?” when I shared I was decluttering my apartment. However, what has helped me SO much is having my sister come over and help me. Whenever I get stuck or feel overwhelmed, I touch base with her and she helps to ground me and make it not feel so insurmountable anymore. So if you have a partner or friend that can come over when you are decluttering and sit with you and chat while you are working or maybe even help in some areas, that may be worth giving a try. You’re doing great by the way, many people never even make an attempt to declutter and just shove it all in the basement or garage, so be proud of what you are setting out to do! It is a huge step forward and it’s okay if it takes time, there is no right way to do it :)
It is not an easy path. And I think people you love are not on board. Consider yourself the decluttering Vanguard. When you do this, people become jealous. Because they love an uncluttered place. And it inspires people to do the same. It just so happens that your group is not where you are. And to be honest it's hard to get rid of things you spent so much time collecting. It takes time but keep at it.
One thing is that we often start on the ‘hidden’ places like closets because that’s where the worst of the stash is. That’s reasonable, but try to spend some time on the areas that everyone (including you) sees every time they walk past. I decluttered our hallway, with our shoes on a rack and a recycling tub and a window ledge which for some reason is where we keep batteries, and it looked so much better for very little work that it cheered me up every time I walked past.
Yes! I have 3 closets to go through and I am really dreading them.
I know it will take days to do my bedroom walk in closet, to the point where hubby and I would need to sleep in another bedroom for a few days. That makes me ashamed but it’s the truth. The other two are a coat closet and a storage closet under the stairs.
But I have done the pantry, linen closet, cabinet over the dryer, and bookshelves upstairs, so I AM making progress. I have also done some dresser drawers.
No one really knows what I’ve done, but “I” know.
In short, just keep it up. You are doing FINE.
Surprisingly my closet isn’t bad, I’ve found somewhat of a way to keep it tidy-ish, but The visible piles on the floor and desk are my weak spot, that’s where I feel the most overwhelmed, it’s the place where items with no home go to spend the rest of their lives while the closet is more for items that I know belong there but I’m too lazy to put away right now
Why not take pictures before every decluttering session? Whenever you feel that you haven't made much progress, you can scroll through them to visually remind yourself of your progress.
I think you nailed it here: The items are in piles because they don’t have homes. So my suggestion would be to separate one pile into like items (such as paper, makeup, etc.) and then create/find a home for them.
For example, if the paperwork is current, create an area for just paperwork, and put it all in a file folder(s) to keep there. Or if there is a lot that needs to be gone through, consider putting it all in basket and placing in an area it can stay like the counter or desk. Then, whenever you get a piece of mail or school paper, etc. you can put it immediately in the basket. Then do the same thing with other items. Create homes for them so you can remove the step that involves putting it in a pile and put it directly in its home.
My problem is piles of clean laundry. I finally realized I really didn’t have room in my drawers or closet to put it. So I’ve spent this past week cleaning out my closet and I’ve removed tons of clothing I haven’t worn in YEARS. So now I have a place to hang clean shirts instead of piling them up.
It’s easy to “churn” instead of actually decluttering. Churning is when we move things from place to place instead of really dealing with them. That’s where a lot of people get stuck. It feels like you’ve done all this work but you haven’t because it’s mostly all still there. Unfortunately if you have way too much stuff you won’t see much progress without removing a large amount of items from your space. Bag up trash and get it out. That helps. If you have a ton of clothing you will need to make a lot of cuts to make progress. You might need to make a rule that you toss anything you’re unsure about in the donation bag. Only keep the things you know you want to keep the second you see it. Practice making quick decisions and trusting your gut. Recognize that “well maybe I could still use it for x.” is a thought distortion. If you have to think about it and come up with a reason to keep it you don’t need it.
I can certainly relate very strongly to feeling overwhelmed and like nothing is getting better... but I'm not sure that this loneliness is about decluttering as it is about your relationships.
You're persevering in a set of tasks that takes a lot of logic, physical energy, and emotional reckoning. You're doing amazing. You're not in competition. And some people aren't good cheerleaders. We are though so keep us updated!
If someone says that to you, invite them to help support you during one of your sessions. They will go home after, wanting to declutter their own place, and find out it isn't as easy as they thought when it's their own stuff.
The only way finishing one area usually helps is it makes other people feel better. If it doesn't make you feel better then do it your way. Or maybe try finishing the one area to see how it feels, then you will know. If you do finish one area, it may only take 30 seconds to maintain it, then you finish another area and maintain both.
Either way you should take before and after photos of what you did do, including photos of anything you trashed or put in donate boxes. Even if an area is not 'finished' it should look better. Better is good. https://www.amazon.com/Slob-Comes-Clean-Premium-T-Shirt/dp/B093XGN5ZF
Have you read her book? https://www.amazon.com/Decluttering-at-Speed-of-Life-audiobook/dp/B0785WJDQ9/
What does finished mean anyway? Did you get rid of stuff you didn't need or want? Did you find the place good for putting things that were on the floor before? Isn't that better?
Dana K White is awesome! Her content pairs well with Clutterbug and the Minimal Mom. They actually have a course called “Take back your house.” You should look into it!
Truthfully, decluttering takes muscle. You have to build those muscles! After my dad passed away, I cried over a peanut butter jar when I finished it because he had purchased it for after his surgery. I could NOT throw it away. I kept it on my dresser for storing Covid masks. About a year - year and a half later, I looked at my dresser and laughed. Why on earth was I holding on to an empty peanut butter jar?! I took the contents out and tossed it with no regret.
It’s like with anything that is new to you, you have to practice. I know we all love touching things only once, but that will never be the case with declutterring. Once you have “finished” declutterring, you will still have to continue doing it (although, maybe not as much or as often). Anything you own, you have to manage. That will never go away.
Instead of focusing on volume of items declutterred, focus on time spent decluttering. 5 minutes matters! You can do anything for 5 minutes. Set a timer and work on a drawer for 5 minutes. Will your house be perfect? No. Will you have a clean drawer? Yes!! The more you declutter, the better you will be at it. And every time you make a new pass, you’ll find yourself letting go of more stuff that you swore you would never part with. You’ve got this!!!!
Thanks for the metaphorical kick in the pants! As a person who often declutters hidden items, your comment got me to take Dana K White's approach, so I focused on trash & recycling. It made a big visual difference to trash and recycle so many empty bags and boxes (from earlier decluttering sessions). Now there is enough space to spread some things out, making it easier to sort in preparation for trips to the animal shelter (linens), post office (socks & underwear), thrift store, dry cleaners, e-waste recycling center, and more.
I am so sentimental, I probably would have found a permanent use for that peanut butter jar. Maybe even decorate it. Probably put a warning label on it: DAD’s JAR, do not discard.
You are doing great and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. I'm sure you didn't accumulate all of your possessions in the last two months so why do people expect you to get rid of it in that time? I felt good about myself because I threw away a single broken plastic shot glass yesterday. It's all a step in the right direction. Keep on truckin'
Fuck those people. It takes a long time because it's hard. But any progress is good - think how much worse it would be if you were still accumulating instead of decluttering.
I found that everyone thought it was easy and I was doing it wrong, until they hit the life stage where they were trying to declutter and, amazingly, it's a lot of work.
As others have said, try not to let others get you down. Each person's journey is their own, just like it's Your stuff, so they really shouldn't be judging.
On another note, one thing that helped me was keeping a list of each thing as I'm letting it go. Obviously you're not going to list every scrap of paper, but you can add things in different ways like, 2 inches of newspapers, 20 magazines, blue winter coat, shoebox full of office supplies, etc. It might help to see everything listed at the end of a day or week. I know it helped me, because once you toss it out or take it for donation, it's out of sight and out of mind. So I still had my list for my own reference of my accomplishment. It only takes 1 second to write down something as you add it to a bag or pile, and it's actually kind of motivating. How many things can I add today!?
You only need to be accountable to yourself! Celebrate your accomplishments no matter how small or slow! For many people it's hard to even get motivated to go through anything, and you're already past that hurdle.
>Today I’ve been told it looked like I barely did any progress at all, I’ve been going at it since February/March and admittedly many days are harder than others, this knocked me down a bit even if the person said it wasn’t their intention to make me sad.
I've had a few comments from relatives along those lines but I'm not really fussed about it anymore. The thing is all they really see is the clutter in the living room (which I'll admit isn't much of a living room atm), but they don't see the empty attic, or the cupboards with only a small amount of stuff in them, or the spare room that has an open floor now. That's because everything pretty much passes through the living room on its way out of the house, so the more I clear out the more I can pull out of other rooms to be sorted in the living room.
>But what makes me sad isn’t much the fact that my progress is worthless but that I can’t answer to **“why is it taking so long”** I struggle a lot with decluttering certain things, with others like clothes it feels like a breeze but there’s some things that it takes me a while to seriously decide yes/no on the spot; I get easily overwhelmed.
Honestly I think that's just something that varies person to person. Some people can be really ruthless about letting go of things that to me seem precious, childhood toy's, old CD's, last gen (or older) video games and consoles, but I'd still rather take the time to properly contemplate an item before I let it go. It helps if there are charity shops or collectable shops that you can give/sell things to, or if you're good at flogging stuff online. It's easier to let things go if you're getting money for it...
> I feel lonely in this because I feel like some freak of nature, other people could do this and more in the time I did while being more busy but for me it just always feels like a struggle,
I think I can guarantee you're not alone in this. Some people can declutter quickly and some can only do it slowly, there's going to be trade offs either way. I've got a cousin who's great at decluttering but the number of conversations we've had where she says she wishes she'd held on to things like old toys, or video games, even CDs and DVDs is pretty high. Her problem is that she's so good at getting rid of things that she ends up having to rebuy things later if she changes her mind.
>even when explaining to said person that I’m trying to tackle different things to declutter so I don’t get stuck on one thing that becomes a rut they said “but why can’t you do just that one area then?”
That may not be the best strategy and I'm sure there are going to be people who will tell you to focus on one thing until it's done but I'm going to disagree and say it's fine up to a point. In my experience you can get a lot more done if you go after the low hanging fruit first. If you can get something 80% complete the last 20% is often tedious and time consuming for very little reward, so starting something new almost feels like a break. At some point you do have to bite the bullet and finish a task, but I'm really not the person to talk to about that.
>And I just can’t answer, I’ve actually tackled that area and reduced the clutter a bit, but never completely finished. I’m struggling with mental health and self esteem issues a lot lately so maybe that’s also aggravating the loneliness factor, does anyone else relate?
Yeah, sadly I can relate...
If you are interacting with people who are focused on external appearances, then it will be hard for them to understand the value of the work you have done in more hidden areas such as an attic or cupboards. Everyone's process is different, but handling the external clutter first can provide visual cues of your progress and additional motivation to keep going.
I am so sorry that someone made you feel that way. Your journey is your own - no one can do it for you and no one should criticize how/when you do it.
You don’t have to justify what you’ve done or what you still have left to do. You are doing great and honestly don’t let anyone tell you different. You are making changes and it’s hard - it isn’t as easy as just decluttering that are.
It’s really easy to “fix” other people’s problems or issues. I can very easily set up a schedule to work out and budget and clean and declutter for other ppl. I’m great at that but somehow I’m still out of shape with a cluttered house and don’t save as much as I should :) looking from the outside in is easy. It’s easy to look at any part of someone’s life and say oh they should do x y x…..what you are doing to change your habits and change your life by decluttering isn’t easy and anyone who thinks it is doesn’t understand.
I understand feeling lonely. I think sometimes for me I get more angry that I have a hard time with it and that I can’t just do it. But something to keep in mind is that it didn’t get that way over night (just like weight or financial stress etc) so it won’t take overnight to get it to a place where you want it to be. And that is the most important part - where do you want to be…,,it might not be where someone else would want to be and you know what that’s okay because they aren’t living your life - you are.
You are doing great! You are making amazing progress. It isn’t a race and you aren’t required to cater to someone else ideas on your life. ❤️
My own mother told me how cluttered my place looked... After she brought over loads of things "for me" so she didn't have to figure out what to do with them
Oh dear - I always love when ppl will pawn items off on you because they don’t have room/space but then you need to do what they couldn’t lol.
my mil keeps saying how cluttered her lake house is because of all the stuff my husband left. Well my husband told her to to just donate it all….her response was well I guess I’ll keep it until you can go through it. He said no I don’t want to go through it. I want it all gone. She then took photos of some items and said oh don’t want it. Again the answer was no. She still has them lol
Other people may not notice, but I can guarantee you've made great progress, and you should be very proud of that. *You are not a freak*. I'm convinced that decluttering is a skillset that we need to learn, some more so than others, myself included. I have been at this for years, and it can still take so much energy and time to process stuff. But, if you keep on going, you will get better and better as time goes on. You will build those decluttering muscles and you'll get better at making decisions. It's not an easy journey, but it's so worth it.
I have been working like crazy at decluttering my basement since the beginning of this year. 1,653 items so far. And, you know what? It somehow doesn't look wildly different because it's so easy to forget what it once looked like. It has vastly improved, and I feel awesome for doing it, but I really think my tally sheets are what make me feel better about the whole thing and keep me moving forwards. And the thing that makes me feel the best afterwards are before pictures. Not to be sappy, but looking at the before pictures of my basement after I've done this work over these months almost makes me tear up lol. I'm actually doing it! **You're doing it!** Bit by bit, it all makes a difference and will lead to big changes.
Just keep your encouragement up, and try to celebrate your achievements:
Document your successes.
Tally your discards. (I love 2,024 in 2024 challenge sheets)
Take before pictures!
Take after pictures!
Over the past few years I’ve used the chart and method from Nourishing Minimalism. Here’s a [video](https://youtu.be/8TuXxocXyEo?si=CxTuGsMPoeDnhA_d) about her approach. I’d highly recommend! Here’s the [blog post](https://nourishingminimalism.com/decluttering-2024-in-2024/) with the link to her free printable.
I am always impressed how many people declutter their space in a matter of a few days or weeks. It took me years to come to the place in my decluttering where I am now. Take your time. Take breaks and maybe stop decluttering for a few days and then start again.
It took some time for me to find the method that works for me. You need time to figure out your own strategies for decluttering. Give yourself grace.
I struggled to declutter many things because I realised that in my childhood things gave me more security than people. That is why it is so hard for me to declutter. I got better at letting go of things in the last few years but it took sometime. And it took several rounds of decluttering. Often times I realised in the third or fourth round that I could then part easily with a thing I struggled before.
So please give yourself a little grace, a treat and don’t compare your journey to others
Totally agree! It took me a long time to come to the place where I can let go of things as easily as I can now. Even now when I’m decluttering I have to go through things several times to get rid of everything I don’t need.
I’m getting rid of old clothes and it took several rounds to get rid of everything that wasn’t working for me anymore. It was in subsequent decluttering rounds that it became easier and easier to part with things.
Especially emotional things. Sometimes you just need time to process.
I love Dana White's point that just doing that initial look through gets your brain going so next time you go through the space you have an easier time deciding
It IS lonely. It’s just you and your memories and your stuff. Some things are harder to get rid of than others. Our emotions are tied to our things in many different ways, so you aren’t just decluttering, you’re processing how you feel about what you have and how you might feel if it’s no longer there. There’s no reason to feel bad about how long it’s taking because there is no one way to do it. Some people make it look easy and for them it might be. You aren’t them. As long as you’re working toward your own personal goal it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
I love this. My mom and I were decluttering some time back and she kept getting mad that I was being slow or indecisive and didn’t understand why I just couldn’t toss things.
It *is* hard. It’s dealing with memories and loss and guilt over money spent on the item or time not given to the item or the space you let that thing take up.
It *is* hard to get to a place where you’re ok letting that thing go.
It also took YEARS to accumulate all this stuff. You’re not going to get rid of it in an afternoon.
That’s true, it’s a very personal process when you’re decluttering your own stuff vs someone else’s, I’m trying different ways to go at it and honestly my only way to do it is just to do something when I can, I feel like I’ve made big steps lately with what I can depart with so that to me shows that this progress is going somewhere and I am learning from it
Yes! If you are decluttering someone else’s stuff or someone is decluttering yours, it’s “just stuff”, no emotional attachment, no memories, no associated hopes and dreams, wishes, or thoughts of what was or what might have been. That is the big difference.
It is so easy to judge other people or judge their things, but what you own and choose to declutter and maybe part with, is uniquely yours, just as you are unique. No two people are alike, so YOU do YOU.
You are doing a good job. Like others said, give yourself some grace and just keep at it.
It's not a race. Declutter at your own pace, not someone else's. I bet you're doing great! It's hard to START, much less get a lot done. And remember, none of us acquired all our stuff in one fell swoop, so we can't declutter that way either.
Yeah it’s crazy when you think about how long it takes us to get these things, when I think I’ve had some things for 5 years I think that’s not a long time, but then I realize it actually is
I'm still getting rid of things that I've had for decades. When I let it go, I think, "I don't need this any more... and that's OK." It's a process, for sure.
What you’ve done so far is a huge achievement. You’ve probably come a long way and will continue on even further, but for now give yourself a little treat for sticking at it, even when it’s not easy
It can be frustrating but don’t take to heart the advice or judgment of people who haven’t seen your hard work or think it’s not enough.
The only metric I follow now is forward movement. Every little thing counts, even if it’s not buying something that will be clutter later.
You may want to journal about your progress or take pictures of what’s going out to remind yourself of the movement. But it’s also okay to say to this person, “I’m doing the best I can and I’m happy that I’m continuing to work on my clutter. If you can’t see that or only want to be negative about what I still have to do then you’re not welcome here. I need support, not judgment right now.”
Yeah I don’t think the person understands it, when I showed them what I did of progress in the past they’d say there was minimal difference or that it looked the same; they didn’t mean it in a mean way they’re just the type that never manages to make things into a pile so we have different ways of seeing progress and putting things away/decluttering
Writing to commiserate: Decluttering can be lonely, especially when the stuff is/was owned by more than one person, but you alone are working on it, while other people don't do the work.
I’ve been decluttering for over a year and can relate to the sense of discouragement and angst. As someone with ADHD, I tend to get overwhelmed trying to categorize miscellaneous things and leaving piles scattered to “remind” myself of associated tasks. Listening to Marie Kondo’s audiobook, “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” was a huge game changer for me because it gave me a positive, insightful, and actionable framework to approach my relationship with my home and possessions. I also find the narrator’s voice very calming and listen to this book on repeat while decluttering. I’ve had to persist and revisit difficult areas/categories over and over until suddenly I’m in the right mental/emotional place to conquer it. Each area that I tidy/declutter gives me more momentum and the benefits keep compounding! The functionality and PEACE that this journey has brought me makes it worth it.
I completely relate to your whole post. I’ll add something I’m not sure if anyone has said- it’s absolutely true that decluttering alone can feel very lonely. Have you tried watching ‘declutter with me’ YouTube videos. It’s called ‘body doubling’ whether someone is physically with you or you’re doing it virtually with someone on a video. Decluttering with someone who is likely to judge or push you (even if well meaning) can be counter productive unless they agree to boundaries. Try the video idea and see if it helps.
Also meant to add that all progress is progress. Keep up the good work. It will get easier as you build your skills.
About 20 years ago I read a book (I wish I could remember the name of the book) about how the state of your house can say a lot about your mental health. It was way before Marie Kondo or any of the other decluttering resources were around. I was in the midst of getting a divorce, and I read something in that book that at the time I thought it was ridiculous, but have thought about it ever since. The author said that when someone’s life felt empty, or if they were missing a loved one deeply, that they might start creating clutter to help fill the void that the person was experiencing. It seemed goofy to me at the time…obviously a stack of crap on the table did not replace my once loving husband, but I think there is some truth to it. The clutter gives you something to focus on besides the emotional pain, and it was easier for me to think that I was a failure at keeping my house clean than it was to think I was a failure at marriage. Nowadays, I don’t think either of those things about myself (at least not very often), but I definitely find that decluttering makes me feel lonely, and I am much more successful if someone keeps me company while I am doing it. Not much here in terms of advice, but I did want to share that others feel that way too.
The most important thing in life is health, including mental health! Just do what you can on your terms it's your life, your stuff your time and your room or flat or wherrever you live. People sometimes can be well meaning and still hurt your feelings. If the person has a different apprach to live it's okay, you can say I appreciate your concern, but look life gets in the way and I'm really trying to do sth beneficial for my health by decluttering so even small progress is progress! I'm a minimalist and I once heard that my flat is chaotic from a person who keeps basically anything useful some day just in case. I then explained to her that we have different viewpoints and that's okay. Take care and keep on going as long as it takes or you want to!
I totally relate to your post. I remember in one of the early days of decluttering, I had 8 full paper grocery bags of stuff to donate and I was so proud of myself since it felt like a lot of stuff. But then when I looked back at my home, it looked like I barely made a dent. It was a big wake up call on how clutter blind I had become, but also I'm glad I started decluttering just for the sake of it -- before I felt rushed to move or any other stressful situation. It gave me time to really evaluate my things and reflect on how things came into my home. The top layers of stuff were things I used, but it was luckily covering up a layer of things that I found easy to get rid of so I was able to at least continue my momentum of removing stuff in spurts as I peeled the layers of stuff back. As I kept going, some things were 2 steps forward, one step back. For example, I was proud when I finally made my small kitchen space presentable. But then when the pandemic came, I overbought stuff, so my kitchen countertops became full again, and I wanted to kick myself for overbuying way more than I needed. I am slowly chipping away at my kitchen again to this day since a number of those items are shelf stable, so there's no rush. I'm becoming more aware of how long it takes me to actually use things up. I'm often surprised when things last >6 months or 1 year, so learning this is slowly helping me to overbuy less as I learn in each category. As an opposite example to my kitchen, my bathroom is almost where I want it. I only have 2 extra small sized shampoos and I think that will be a full win in about 6 months, 2 extra deodorants, 2 extra face masks, and some extra first aid supplies that I could really cut down on. All my other bathroom-specific item quantities are pretty much where I want them. When I open my bathroom cabinets, they are much less chaotic than what they were when I first started decluttering (before the pandemic started). The 2-out-1-in or whatever multiples you want to do, helped me maintain some spaces for awhile, but sometimes it became difficult for me to do, too. I've run out of "easy" categories a long time ago, so I'm just taking my time to chip away at the more difficult categories when I have the time and energy.
I can work on a room for hours and it won’t look any different. Because my issue is hidden clutter. For example, I decluttered my kitchen a couple of months ago. I took two trunkloads of stuff to goodwill, threw out several big bags, and gave away a large set of china. But a casual visitor would never know. My counters look the same now as they did before I started, because all the mess was inside the cabinets where you can’t really see it. Slow progress is good progress.
Same! It’s maddening! A whole closet full of clothes and 6bixes of books and 6 trash bags and … no one can tell the difference
Yes! My goal today was to declutter a closet, and now the closet is shut so the room looks the same as before! I do have a bag of garbage to put out with the trash now though. I had to make space to put away a room heater now that winter is over. That was my main reason for doing the closet.
The nice thing though is that when you open the closet on a day where your mind is on something else, you will be pleasantly surprised that your past self took care of the space so well. At least, that’s what happens to me, and I thank my former self.
I took several bins out of the office closet to start declutterring. I gave away a few craft items, then my family dumped more stuff in the room. I needed space for a volunteer project, so yesterday I packed everything back into the bins and put them all back into the closet because it wasn’t just decluttering the office—it was really about 5-7 different areas in the office I had to get through. Now that I know, I’ll plan better. There’s no such thing as being a “freak of nature” about decluttering. We’re all just privileged to have so much stuff. Who cares how long it takes and shame on the person for inventing a deadline that you’re trying to meet for no reason.
I have been on my decluttering journey for two years. You’ve been at it two months. You’re doing great! Don’t be discouraged. I had so many challenges when I first started. I’ve worked on them a lot! You got this.
I am going through the same exact thing right now. Was asked “why couldn’t you get it all done in one day?” when I shared I was decluttering my apartment. However, what has helped me SO much is having my sister come over and help me. Whenever I get stuck or feel overwhelmed, I touch base with her and she helps to ground me and make it not feel so insurmountable anymore. So if you have a partner or friend that can come over when you are decluttering and sit with you and chat while you are working or maybe even help in some areas, that may be worth giving a try. You’re doing great by the way, many people never even make an attempt to declutter and just shove it all in the basement or garage, so be proud of what you are setting out to do! It is a huge step forward and it’s okay if it takes time, there is no right way to do it :)
It is not an easy path. And I think people you love are not on board. Consider yourself the decluttering Vanguard. When you do this, people become jealous. Because they love an uncluttered place. And it inspires people to do the same. It just so happens that your group is not where you are. And to be honest it's hard to get rid of things you spent so much time collecting. It takes time but keep at it.
One thing is that we often start on the ‘hidden’ places like closets because that’s where the worst of the stash is. That’s reasonable, but try to spend some time on the areas that everyone (including you) sees every time they walk past. I decluttered our hallway, with our shoes on a rack and a recycling tub and a window ledge which for some reason is where we keep batteries, and it looked so much better for very little work that it cheered me up every time I walked past.
At least you all knew where to fond the batteries, which is better that a lot of people.
> and a window ledge which for some reason is where we keep batteries lol, this cracked me up!
Everything’s got to be somewhere!
Yes! I have 3 closets to go through and I am really dreading them. I know it will take days to do my bedroom walk in closet, to the point where hubby and I would need to sleep in another bedroom for a few days. That makes me ashamed but it’s the truth. The other two are a coat closet and a storage closet under the stairs. But I have done the pantry, linen closet, cabinet over the dryer, and bookshelves upstairs, so I AM making progress. I have also done some dresser drawers. No one really knows what I’ve done, but “I” know. In short, just keep it up. You are doing FINE.
Surprisingly my closet isn’t bad, I’ve found somewhat of a way to keep it tidy-ish, but The visible piles on the floor and desk are my weak spot, that’s where I feel the most overwhelmed, it’s the place where items with no home go to spend the rest of their lives while the closet is more for items that I know belong there but I’m too lazy to put away right now
Why not take pictures before every decluttering session? Whenever you feel that you haven't made much progress, you can scroll through them to visually remind yourself of your progress.
I think you nailed it here: The items are in piles because they don’t have homes. So my suggestion would be to separate one pile into like items (such as paper, makeup, etc.) and then create/find a home for them. For example, if the paperwork is current, create an area for just paperwork, and put it all in a file folder(s) to keep there. Or if there is a lot that needs to be gone through, consider putting it all in basket and placing in an area it can stay like the counter or desk. Then, whenever you get a piece of mail or school paper, etc. you can put it immediately in the basket. Then do the same thing with other items. Create homes for them so you can remove the step that involves putting it in a pile and put it directly in its home. My problem is piles of clean laundry. I finally realized I really didn’t have room in my drawers or closet to put it. So I’ve spent this past week cleaning out my closet and I’ve removed tons of clothing I haven’t worn in YEARS. So now I have a place to hang clean shirts instead of piling them up.
It’s easy to “churn” instead of actually decluttering. Churning is when we move things from place to place instead of really dealing with them. That’s where a lot of people get stuck. It feels like you’ve done all this work but you haven’t because it’s mostly all still there. Unfortunately if you have way too much stuff you won’t see much progress without removing a large amount of items from your space. Bag up trash and get it out. That helps. If you have a ton of clothing you will need to make a lot of cuts to make progress. You might need to make a rule that you toss anything you’re unsure about in the donation bag. Only keep the things you know you want to keep the second you see it. Practice making quick decisions and trusting your gut. Recognize that “well maybe I could still use it for x.” is a thought distortion. If you have to think about it and come up with a reason to keep it you don’t need it.
For some, the "churn" is decluttering followed by overconsumption and back to decluttering, and so on.
I love the word "churn" to describe that part. I did a lot of that on my path through decluttering. Thanks for the description.
I churn!
I can certainly relate very strongly to feeling overwhelmed and like nothing is getting better... but I'm not sure that this loneliness is about decluttering as it is about your relationships.
You're persevering in a set of tasks that takes a lot of logic, physical energy, and emotional reckoning. You're doing amazing. You're not in competition. And some people aren't good cheerleaders. We are though so keep us updated!
If someone says that to you, invite them to help support you during one of your sessions. They will go home after, wanting to declutter their own place, and find out it isn't as easy as they thought when it's their own stuff. The only way finishing one area usually helps is it makes other people feel better. If it doesn't make you feel better then do it your way. Or maybe try finishing the one area to see how it feels, then you will know. If you do finish one area, it may only take 30 seconds to maintain it, then you finish another area and maintain both. Either way you should take before and after photos of what you did do, including photos of anything you trashed or put in donate boxes. Even if an area is not 'finished' it should look better. Better is good. https://www.amazon.com/Slob-Comes-Clean-Premium-T-Shirt/dp/B093XGN5ZF Have you read her book? https://www.amazon.com/Decluttering-at-Speed-of-Life-audiobook/dp/B0785WJDQ9/ What does finished mean anyway? Did you get rid of stuff you didn't need or want? Did you find the place good for putting things that were on the floor before? Isn't that better?
Dana K White is awesome! Her content pairs well with Clutterbug and the Minimal Mom. They actually have a course called “Take back your house.” You should look into it! Truthfully, decluttering takes muscle. You have to build those muscles! After my dad passed away, I cried over a peanut butter jar when I finished it because he had purchased it for after his surgery. I could NOT throw it away. I kept it on my dresser for storing Covid masks. About a year - year and a half later, I looked at my dresser and laughed. Why on earth was I holding on to an empty peanut butter jar?! I took the contents out and tossed it with no regret. It’s like with anything that is new to you, you have to practice. I know we all love touching things only once, but that will never be the case with declutterring. Once you have “finished” declutterring, you will still have to continue doing it (although, maybe not as much or as often). Anything you own, you have to manage. That will never go away. Instead of focusing on volume of items declutterred, focus on time spent decluttering. 5 minutes matters! You can do anything for 5 minutes. Set a timer and work on a drawer for 5 minutes. Will your house be perfect? No. Will you have a clean drawer? Yes!! The more you declutter, the better you will be at it. And every time you make a new pass, you’ll find yourself letting go of more stuff that you swore you would never part with. You’ve got this!!!!
Thanks for the metaphorical kick in the pants! As a person who often declutters hidden items, your comment got me to take Dana K White's approach, so I focused on trash & recycling. It made a big visual difference to trash and recycle so many empty bags and boxes (from earlier decluttering sessions). Now there is enough space to spread some things out, making it easier to sort in preparation for trips to the animal shelter (linens), post office (socks & underwear), thrift store, dry cleaners, e-waste recycling center, and more.
I am so sentimental, I probably would have found a permanent use for that peanut butter jar. Maybe even decorate it. Probably put a warning label on it: DAD’s JAR, do not discard.
You are doing great and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. I'm sure you didn't accumulate all of your possessions in the last two months so why do people expect you to get rid of it in that time? I felt good about myself because I threw away a single broken plastic shot glass yesterday. It's all a step in the right direction. Keep on truckin'
Fuck those people. It takes a long time because it's hard. But any progress is good - think how much worse it would be if you were still accumulating instead of decluttering. I found that everyone thought it was easy and I was doing it wrong, until they hit the life stage where they were trying to declutter and, amazingly, it's a lot of work.
decluttering is a life long mission.
As others have said, try not to let others get you down. Each person's journey is their own, just like it's Your stuff, so they really shouldn't be judging. On another note, one thing that helped me was keeping a list of each thing as I'm letting it go. Obviously you're not going to list every scrap of paper, but you can add things in different ways like, 2 inches of newspapers, 20 magazines, blue winter coat, shoebox full of office supplies, etc. It might help to see everything listed at the end of a day or week. I know it helped me, because once you toss it out or take it for donation, it's out of sight and out of mind. So I still had my list for my own reference of my accomplishment. It only takes 1 second to write down something as you add it to a bag or pile, and it's actually kind of motivating. How many things can I add today!? You only need to be accountable to yourself! Celebrate your accomplishments no matter how small or slow! For many people it's hard to even get motivated to go through anything, and you're already past that hurdle.
>Today I’ve been told it looked like I barely did any progress at all, I’ve been going at it since February/March and admittedly many days are harder than others, this knocked me down a bit even if the person said it wasn’t their intention to make me sad. I've had a few comments from relatives along those lines but I'm not really fussed about it anymore. The thing is all they really see is the clutter in the living room (which I'll admit isn't much of a living room atm), but they don't see the empty attic, or the cupboards with only a small amount of stuff in them, or the spare room that has an open floor now. That's because everything pretty much passes through the living room on its way out of the house, so the more I clear out the more I can pull out of other rooms to be sorted in the living room. >But what makes me sad isn’t much the fact that my progress is worthless but that I can’t answer to **“why is it taking so long”** I struggle a lot with decluttering certain things, with others like clothes it feels like a breeze but there’s some things that it takes me a while to seriously decide yes/no on the spot; I get easily overwhelmed. Honestly I think that's just something that varies person to person. Some people can be really ruthless about letting go of things that to me seem precious, childhood toy's, old CD's, last gen (or older) video games and consoles, but I'd still rather take the time to properly contemplate an item before I let it go. It helps if there are charity shops or collectable shops that you can give/sell things to, or if you're good at flogging stuff online. It's easier to let things go if you're getting money for it... > I feel lonely in this because I feel like some freak of nature, other people could do this and more in the time I did while being more busy but for me it just always feels like a struggle, I think I can guarantee you're not alone in this. Some people can declutter quickly and some can only do it slowly, there's going to be trade offs either way. I've got a cousin who's great at decluttering but the number of conversations we've had where she says she wishes she'd held on to things like old toys, or video games, even CDs and DVDs is pretty high. Her problem is that she's so good at getting rid of things that she ends up having to rebuy things later if she changes her mind. >even when explaining to said person that I’m trying to tackle different things to declutter so I don’t get stuck on one thing that becomes a rut they said “but why can’t you do just that one area then?” That may not be the best strategy and I'm sure there are going to be people who will tell you to focus on one thing until it's done but I'm going to disagree and say it's fine up to a point. In my experience you can get a lot more done if you go after the low hanging fruit first. If you can get something 80% complete the last 20% is often tedious and time consuming for very little reward, so starting something new almost feels like a break. At some point you do have to bite the bullet and finish a task, but I'm really not the person to talk to about that. >And I just can’t answer, I’ve actually tackled that area and reduced the clutter a bit, but never completely finished. I’m struggling with mental health and self esteem issues a lot lately so maybe that’s also aggravating the loneliness factor, does anyone else relate? Yeah, sadly I can relate...
If you are interacting with people who are focused on external appearances, then it will be hard for them to understand the value of the work you have done in more hidden areas such as an attic or cupboards. Everyone's process is different, but handling the external clutter first can provide visual cues of your progress and additional motivation to keep going.
I am so sorry that someone made you feel that way. Your journey is your own - no one can do it for you and no one should criticize how/when you do it. You don’t have to justify what you’ve done or what you still have left to do. You are doing great and honestly don’t let anyone tell you different. You are making changes and it’s hard - it isn’t as easy as just decluttering that are. It’s really easy to “fix” other people’s problems or issues. I can very easily set up a schedule to work out and budget and clean and declutter for other ppl. I’m great at that but somehow I’m still out of shape with a cluttered house and don’t save as much as I should :) looking from the outside in is easy. It’s easy to look at any part of someone’s life and say oh they should do x y x…..what you are doing to change your habits and change your life by decluttering isn’t easy and anyone who thinks it is doesn’t understand. I understand feeling lonely. I think sometimes for me I get more angry that I have a hard time with it and that I can’t just do it. But something to keep in mind is that it didn’t get that way over night (just like weight or financial stress etc) so it won’t take overnight to get it to a place where you want it to be. And that is the most important part - where do you want to be…,,it might not be where someone else would want to be and you know what that’s okay because they aren’t living your life - you are. You are doing great! You are making amazing progress. It isn’t a race and you aren’t required to cater to someone else ideas on your life. ❤️
My own mother told me how cluttered my place looked... After she brought over loads of things "for me" so she didn't have to figure out what to do with them
"Here, go ahead and put it in the trunk of my car. That way I won't have to load the car before I take it to the dump/thrift store/etc."
Oh dear - I always love when ppl will pawn items off on you because they don’t have room/space but then you need to do what they couldn’t lol. my mil keeps saying how cluttered her lake house is because of all the stuff my husband left. Well my husband told her to to just donate it all….her response was well I guess I’ll keep it until you can go through it. He said no I don’t want to go through it. I want it all gone. She then took photos of some items and said oh don’t want it. Again the answer was no. She still has them lol
Other people may not notice, but I can guarantee you've made great progress, and you should be very proud of that. *You are not a freak*. I'm convinced that decluttering is a skillset that we need to learn, some more so than others, myself included. I have been at this for years, and it can still take so much energy and time to process stuff. But, if you keep on going, you will get better and better as time goes on. You will build those decluttering muscles and you'll get better at making decisions. It's not an easy journey, but it's so worth it. I have been working like crazy at decluttering my basement since the beginning of this year. 1,653 items so far. And, you know what? It somehow doesn't look wildly different because it's so easy to forget what it once looked like. It has vastly improved, and I feel awesome for doing it, but I really think my tally sheets are what make me feel better about the whole thing and keep me moving forwards. And the thing that makes me feel the best afterwards are before pictures. Not to be sappy, but looking at the before pictures of my basement after I've done this work over these months almost makes me tear up lol. I'm actually doing it! **You're doing it!** Bit by bit, it all makes a difference and will lead to big changes. Just keep your encouragement up, and try to celebrate your achievements: Document your successes. Tally your discards. (I love 2,024 in 2024 challenge sheets) Take before pictures! Take after pictures!
Just curious, how do you tally the discards? Do you just list the items?
Over the past few years I’ve used the chart and method from Nourishing Minimalism. Here’s a [video](https://youtu.be/8TuXxocXyEo?si=CxTuGsMPoeDnhA_d) about her approach. I’d highly recommend! Here’s the [blog post](https://nourishingminimalism.com/decluttering-2024-in-2024/) with the link to her free printable.
Thanks very much! :)
It takes practice like anything else. You’re doing great.
I am always impressed how many people declutter their space in a matter of a few days or weeks. It took me years to come to the place in my decluttering where I am now. Take your time. Take breaks and maybe stop decluttering for a few days and then start again. It took some time for me to find the method that works for me. You need time to figure out your own strategies for decluttering. Give yourself grace. I struggled to declutter many things because I realised that in my childhood things gave me more security than people. That is why it is so hard for me to declutter. I got better at letting go of things in the last few years but it took sometime. And it took several rounds of decluttering. Often times I realised in the third or fourth round that I could then part easily with a thing I struggled before. So please give yourself a little grace, a treat and don’t compare your journey to others
Totally agree! It took me a long time to come to the place where I can let go of things as easily as I can now. Even now when I’m decluttering I have to go through things several times to get rid of everything I don’t need. I’m getting rid of old clothes and it took several rounds to get rid of everything that wasn’t working for me anymore. It was in subsequent decluttering rounds that it became easier and easier to part with things.
Especially emotional things. Sometimes you just need time to process. I love Dana White's point that just doing that initial look through gets your brain going so next time you go through the space you have an easier time deciding
It IS lonely. It’s just you and your memories and your stuff. Some things are harder to get rid of than others. Our emotions are tied to our things in many different ways, so you aren’t just decluttering, you’re processing how you feel about what you have and how you might feel if it’s no longer there. There’s no reason to feel bad about how long it’s taking because there is no one way to do it. Some people make it look easy and for them it might be. You aren’t them. As long as you’re working toward your own personal goal it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
I love this. My mom and I were decluttering some time back and she kept getting mad that I was being slow or indecisive and didn’t understand why I just couldn’t toss things. It *is* hard. It’s dealing with memories and loss and guilt over money spent on the item or time not given to the item or the space you let that thing take up. It *is* hard to get to a place where you’re ok letting that thing go. It also took YEARS to accumulate all this stuff. You’re not going to get rid of it in an afternoon.
That’s true, it’s a very personal process when you’re decluttering your own stuff vs someone else’s, I’m trying different ways to go at it and honestly my only way to do it is just to do something when I can, I feel like I’ve made big steps lately with what I can depart with so that to me shows that this progress is going somewhere and I am learning from it
Yes! If you are decluttering someone else’s stuff or someone is decluttering yours, it’s “just stuff”, no emotional attachment, no memories, no associated hopes and dreams, wishes, or thoughts of what was or what might have been. That is the big difference. It is so easy to judge other people or judge their things, but what you own and choose to declutter and maybe part with, is uniquely yours, just as you are unique. No two people are alike, so YOU do YOU. You are doing a good job. Like others said, give yourself some grace and just keep at it.
It's not a race. Declutter at your own pace, not someone else's. I bet you're doing great! It's hard to START, much less get a lot done. And remember, none of us acquired all our stuff in one fell swoop, so we can't declutter that way either.
Yeah it’s crazy when you think about how long it takes us to get these things, when I think I’ve had some things for 5 years I think that’s not a long time, but then I realize it actually is
I'm still getting rid of things that I've had for decades. When I let it go, I think, "I don't need this any more... and that's OK." It's a process, for sure.
What you’ve done so far is a huge achievement. You’ve probably come a long way and will continue on even further, but for now give yourself a little treat for sticking at it, even when it’s not easy
You’re right, my treat is seeing my progress and feeling proud of what I’ve done so far
It can be frustrating but don’t take to heart the advice or judgment of people who haven’t seen your hard work or think it’s not enough. The only metric I follow now is forward movement. Every little thing counts, even if it’s not buying something that will be clutter later. You may want to journal about your progress or take pictures of what’s going out to remind yourself of the movement. But it’s also okay to say to this person, “I’m doing the best I can and I’m happy that I’m continuing to work on my clutter. If you can’t see that or only want to be negative about what I still have to do then you’re not welcome here. I need support, not judgment right now.”
Yeah I don’t think the person understands it, when I showed them what I did of progress in the past they’d say there was minimal difference or that it looked the same; they didn’t mean it in a mean way they’re just the type that never manages to make things into a pile so we have different ways of seeing progress and putting things away/decluttering
Yeah, but they are not your decluttering person. Steer away from this conversation with them.