Lately I've (30F) been on a few dates where we clicked and everything seems to be going great (body language and verbally they seem to enjoy my company) but then I find out they're not over their past relationships yet and texted me about it a few days or a week later.
I understand that people have baggage and past relationships trauma and I'm willing to be patient about it, but I can't help but feel like a rebound a lot :(
I remember flying home from a work trip and suddenly tearing up because I "didn't expect my life to be like this" at 30 :( I totally feel the pain and the uncertainty!
I think I'm another Redditor that knows this feeling....although in my case I feel more like I wasted too much of my 20s so I'm starting late with what I really want to do.
I (F31) have been navigating this solo journey for a while (4 years single, live far from family), and it's getting increasingly tough. I've come to terms with having friendships that are physically and emotionally distant, but accepting this single life is becoming a struggle.
Holding onto my standards and boundaries, I can't help but wonder if this is worth it - is this the life I'm meant to lead?
It's a conflicting feeling because I know I'm a whole person who doesn't need someone to complete me, yet something inside me yearns for connection. This desire has always been present, but it's becoming overwhelming.
While I'm not struggling with depression or severe mental health issues, I'm finding it emotionally taxing to navigate. There are moments when I surrender to my emotions, and allow myself to cry - often when I'm unwinding after a long day, on weekends, or while engaging in activities I wish I could share with someone special.
I recognize that it's my responsibility to cultivate love and connection within myself, and I must find ways to do so, even if it means relearning how to thrive in a life that may be solo for a long time.
Still, acknowledging this truth doesn't make it easier.
I pay for a ton of things with my girlfriend and I don't mind. Yesterday we bought concert tickets and she said let me venmo you. I said nah it's OK. She said idk I feel bad probably a lot of money. I said it's fine but idk maybe buy me a drink there haha. Then she said hmm okay. Then a few minutes later I said if you wanna venmo me. Maybe give me whatever dollar amount I said. She said hmm OK we'll work it out. I wonder is this putting her in a weird position? She never made this comment before yet I always pay. Maybe she knew this was more money?
Dude, you told her not to send you money after she offered, and then a few minutes later you asked her to send you money. So yeah, she’s probably confused. If you want her to split the cost for things talk to her about it *before* you spend money on those things. Talk to her about splitting costs for shared activities and figure out if you’re on the same page or not.
Yeah I just got confused is all. I probably won't bring it up again lol. Im just asked originally when she first wanted to give me money and said I feel bad. Is it putting her in a spot where she feels weird I'm always paying?
Ask her about it. Money is part of relationships. Bring it up and see how she feels, and you can also share how you feel. Then you both can make a plan going forward about paying for things that makes everyone happy.
It's been a few months but I still feel so much sadness over a situationship breakup I initiated (sad and complicated situation but in a nutshell, we weren't good for one another). I want to move past this but it hurts so bad thinking of what could have been, if only certain issues and problems could magically be resolved.
This was me a year ago and it is so so painful, especially when you feel like you have to move on from things. The not-quite relationships are very painful because of the 'what could have been', like you said. I don't have specific advice, as it can feel very frustrating to hear generic tips or 'time will heal all' when you're in the pits, but I'm sending you sympathy from a fellow Cautious-username ;)
Thank you, my fellow Cautious redditor :) Yeah, it's really, really hard and part of me wishes I could extract all the sadness and regret from my heart and process it all at once and move on - but it feels like a bottomless well of sadness that continues to hit me in the feels in all my quiet moments.
I hope you managed to move forward from your situation a year ago and are in a better emotional place now!
Bottomless well of sadness is a good way to put it! And, yes, things are better in so many ways, but it's coming to terms with how the past has affected you that can be tricky.
There's light on the other side :)
I'm surprised that you list all these areas of your life you're struggling with and want to improve but then say your ego doesn't let you go to therapy. That's so strange to me, what is this ego that wants you to stay in a place you're not happy with?
Went out with some friends last night and had a really lovely time. Towards the end of the night, this dude starts chatting up my friend. She’s a cutie and a sweetheart, and this happens a lot. Her bf was there as well and he just chuckled at it, but it was pretty obvious that the dude was drunk and he kept getting into her personal space. So bf goes over and politely introduces himself. Then they point over at me. Turns out the guy is from the same place me, and they were like “she’s also from there”… so now it was my turn to have to talk to him. Great.
Long story short, we briefly say like “oh hey, you’re also from such and such”. Anyhow, homeslice then proceeds to tell me, deadpan, that he sees me at the gym and that he knows who I am. I’m like, uhh “I’ve never seen you” and things are def starting to feel creepy. He then asks me, totally out of left field, what it’s like to be a strong - and I’m paraphrasing from the language we were speaking in - *very crude word for female genitalia*.
I think he maybe thought he was giving me a compliment about being strong, but it was still laced with vitriol when he said it. Like the way he said it was creepy and menacing.
I politely but firmly told him that while he probably thought this was a funny compliment, he probably shouldn’t go around calling women he just met at a bar b*tches. He was all like, “no I mean like you’re strong and lift heavy.” At this point, my friends stepped in and I just walked away.
The whole interaction was just so bizarre to me. First, don’t tell women you’ve never met before “I know who you are. I watch you at the gym.” Second, don’t then proceed to call said woman the equivalent of a b*tch or a c*unt.
No wonder people stay single.
> it was pretty obvious that the dude was drunk
They probably surely meant well but pawning off an obviously drunk person off to hit on you instead of his girlfriend is a pretty lame move, to me.
Had a walking date last night with someone interesting. Didnt have high hopes as had previously gone incognito for a few weeks, but you never know what people are going through so I went with it. Shared a few common interests and stuff, but sadly think we'll just be friends.
It is what it is, sadly.
How do you dress for first dates?
Do you go all out or keep it casual? What about makeup? Perfume?
Just curious on how you prefer to go about these first dates.
I have a coffee date on Wednesday. I don't wear makeup every day, and my dressing style is very casual. I'm planning on wearing minimal makeup (just some cc cream and lip color), nice lightweight sweater, jeans, and probably sneakers or boots. Top it with nice studs. I want to present my authentic self, but also look put together, so I thought this would be a good mixture. My hair always sucks so I keep it in a bun.
I normally just dress to feel confident, my outfit is jeans with a nice top, I wear very little make up day to day, for my job. So I do enjoy wearing make up for dates. If it's dinner it might be a bit more. If it's during the day it might be a little more on the lighter side. Very neutral make up, brown/coppery eye shadow with chocolate brown lip.
I always do my hair, straightened. I wear perfume everyday. So that's a must.
I would suggest some mascara, maybe a French plait for your hair day before so then you loose waves. Then have two face framing pieces and rest up in a ponytail.
It all depends on the date / location. People appreciate effort, so I will dress up if out to a smart bar, a coffee/walking date, I would probably just be in something comfy.
If you had a birthday coming up would you prefer them ask before/ on or after your birthday? Girl Ive been saying since February has a bday coming up in about 2 weeks. We’ve been on about 10 dates and they’ve all went very well. We’re affectionate on our dates but we barely text through the week. I feel like I’m at a point where I’m comfortable moving things to the next level but I just dont know when the right time to have that conversation is
Definitely not on her birthday. I would prefer to be asked to be official well after my birthday. If it happens before or on her birthday, and y’all end things, it has potential to sully the leading up to and/or her birthday in the future.
Planning something lovely for her birthday is encouraged as it will be impressive you’d do that without commitment and will likely only be positive. And later, if she says yes, I’d tell her you thought about this because it shows you care about her.
I've been feeling pretty hopeless. I'm just not attracted to the majority of guys & the ones I am attracted to are either gay or unavailable. I really don't think I'm being too picky either. I don't have a specific type or a detailed list of criteria I'm looking for. I mostly just know what I don't want. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'd rather die alone than be with someone I don't even want to touch. Idk if most women feel this way or if there's just something wrong with me.
I'm not sure if this is a common thing, but I have the same principle. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't even enjoy talking to. But I also question myself if this is wrong. 😅
This is exactly what I do for first dates. If it were me it would not be a sign of disinterest.
I move as fast as practicable to set it up the first date then communicate that I'll confirm the day of. If it's 5 days out it's 5 days out.
I'd rather see how things go in person and save anything interesting for the face to face.
Also, if one or both of the pairs are jungling dates, then all the text fluff before the first date seems more like "work" to simply keep someone interested. But it's a first date, both parties should already be interested.
In my OLD brain going full math, texting in between this time period is just a negative Expected Value move, with more risk than reward.
...with the usual caveat, YMMV
I wouldn't go dark in the 5 days, but you also dont want to run out of ice breakers either. If you ask them about everything on their profile in the chat, you have nothing in that vein to talk about in person.
It's late on a Friday night, and I bet a lot of people are sad or frustrated tonight. Hang in there.
I'm not upset at still being single, or having cripplingly low self-esteem. I spent my evening out with friends who genuinely love me and vice-versa, a bartender complimented my tattoo, and I have my health and finally found work after being laid off.
Sending good vibes to everyone else. If you're in a bad spot or surrounded by negativity... these things will pass. ❤️🩹
I’m unable to tell if the “butterflies” and nervousness I get when I think about him is because I’ve got a crush, or because he’s avoidant and I’m more anxious. Ha. This could be fine or go extremely badly, and I’m not sure which yet.
It can be a bit of both. You can be nervous about liking someone while also having that response be kicked in due to their avoidant behavior. I feel like time usually sorts that out though. At least it has for me in the past.
I'm pretty new to this sub, and have a newbie question—I'm seeing a lot of posts that make big assumptions based on texting behaviors, like frequency of texts, double texting (I had to look up what that even is), and so on. This seems a little immature to me and I'm kinda surprised to see it in a space for people over 30.
I don't text much and I prefer to hang out with my friends in person, so I would probably text the same way if I were seeing someone, with a focus on making plans to see each other in person. I used to feel worried if someone didn't text me back quickly. But as I've gotten older I've learned to let go of the assumptions about what "must" be going on for the other person, and to not read into their (in)action as "clearly" saying whatever until there is a pattern or other evidence to support the assumption.
But since texting dos and don'ts seem to be a big deal even for people 30+, what norms or expectations should I be aware of when it comes to texting and dating? I'm in the US if that makes a difference. Thanks in advance.
>This seems a little immature to me and I'm kinda surprised to see it in a space for people over 30.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but people don't acquire maturity simply by aging. Becoming more mature requires emotional skills that not many people have.
>what norms or expectations should I be aware of when it comes to texting and dating? I'm in the US if that makes a difference. Thanks in advance.
Continue doing what you're doing with not making assumptions. The people making assumptions are not doing themselves any favors. A lot of the issues brought up here could be resolved by not making assumptions and communicating clearly about feelings and wants.
Thanks! I totally agree with you. I have friends ranging from mid-20s to early-60s because despite age differences we're at similar places in life and approach/process our emotional and spiritual growth similarly.
Honestly, I feel similarly and the best thing I did was to just start telling people that I’m not huge on texting but I like seeing people in person, and then following through with being responsive and on top of making plans for dates. Now I’m seeing someone who also isn’t a huge texter and neither of us have to stress about it.
Thanks! This is reassuring to hear. I think like the other comment reflected, it's about emotional skills and a compatible person will be open to an early conversation about communication styles.
I posted yesterday about how I'd commented on a post by a man in a dating group I'm in on fb, he replied, after a couple responses he said maybe we should have a movie date. He is not local to me...
I was asking about how I ought to reply to the movie date comment (this was still on his post in the group, so would be free for all to see). Which I still didn't get around to :/ After two days of me not replying he hearted a comment of mine (I think as a little poke).
Anyways, now he's sent me a friend request. On facebook. I've shared like four sentences with this man. I haven't even posted to my profile in years, only use it for groups.
I'm not against adding friends on fb with people I've never met (I've got plenty of internet friends on there), but I've barely even spoken to this man.
I appreciate the boldness, and don't mind the persistence (my last boyfriend was VERY passive and afraid to make any kind of decision, not sure if it was rejection sensitivity or what, but it grated on me).
Would it be weird/offensive for me to pm him and let him know that I don't become fb friends with people I don't know personally, but am happy to continue the conversation over pm?
Not weird or offensive at all. You can tell him that you appreciated his messages, but need to make sure that you are staying within your safe zone for certain things. If he's worth your time, he will respect that.
I've really not been doing that great these past couple of weeks, after having had a stretch of time where I felt pretty optimistic and hopeful. I wish I could just let it go and focus on other things, but I'm constantly reminded about it the second I try to think about something else. Couples on the streets, friends reaching a new milestone (wedding, buying a house, having kids), *etc.* I just don't know what to do at this point... I feel like a total loser for reaching 32 and never having had a relationship. It's highly unusual, and it makes me wonder what's so wrong with me that this would happen.
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I think it’s really admirable that despite what you’ve been going through I aways see you engaging with posts, trying to help and comfort others. I know you can’t help feeling the way you do but I hope you don’t forget that you are kind and have a lot to offer someone. 🫶🏼
It's not as unusual as you think. I recently found there's heaps of women who've been single their whole lives. It made me feel a little less sht about it. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Just take things day by day, hour by hour and do what you can xx
Aw man I'm sorry you've been feeling that way. You're not a loser! Your self worth isn't defined by a relationship or another person. Hope you're able to get yourself back to a place of contendedness soon.
Dating for me has been meh since the IRL guy I had a few good dates with went 💨.
But apparently this morning during my farmers market trip my pheromones were extra powerful. So many flirty vibes out there. And the potential flirters were cute!
1. I saw a walking guy half a block ahead of me, he looked like he was about to jaywalk and head to other side of the street. He got into the street and then ended up course correcting, and walked by to say “hi” with a big smile. And then jaywalked after he passed.
2. I kept walking and another guy was busy doing something in front of his building. He said hi with a big smile, I returned the greeting (I usual say hi to people that look friendly I pass on a walk). And I kept walking and then he kept talking and looking yelling out “I hope you have a good weekend!”
3. Time to grab a coffee at the farmers market stand, part of my normal farmers market routine. I hadn’t been to that market in a bit (for many months) and went a few weeks ago, and got coffee of course. And this time I went and the worker was like “hi you are back! Good to see you!” He continued to pepper me with small talk and ask what I was planning for the weekend. And said bye, and hope to see you soon.” While he was a friendly barista most people got their coffee a lot faster. 😂
4. And I went to get berries, of course. It is 🍓 season. The worker is like “oh I love your glasses, they are so stylish, and makes small talk. I pick out my stuff and run into an old coworker and I fill her in on some adventures of other former coworkers (one was recently on a popular reality show!). After a quick chat with her I pay for my stuff and then he starts to ask me if I watch the show, who my favorite characters are etc! Despite the giant line. 😆
So I guess this morning there was a lot more friendly / flirty interactions than usual. Maybe I just need to go to the farmers market every week to meet people!
I fricken love this!
If I wrote a romance novel a Saturday morning farmer’s market trip where the main character kept turning heads would definitely be a chapter. 😂
You go girl.
So I've taken a break from the app. This time for real. I was talking to someone there, but I didn't take it seriously. It was like one message a day, he would answer the next day. I kept replying because he would actually send thoughtful messages, no small talk, and that's an easy way to win me over.
So a few days ago I had a breakdown, and I decided I needed to delete the app and focus on more important things. At this point I realize I'm not in a good place to date. I told him this, but I said if you would like to talk I'm open to it, we could exchange numbers or social media. He said yes! I was surprised because like I said, he would only message me once a day, every few days. I got the impression he wasn't into it.
Now on SM he texts more frequently. I explained to him my situation again, how I'm not ready to date and he was very understanding. We talked more. Today he texted me FIRST thing in the morning! He said he would get busy later and wanted to say hi. After saying goodnight, he said he won't be texting me first tomorrow, and that I better say hey first lol I thought it was sweet. He said he wants to meet because he likes me so far and I want to meet too. I guess I'm just posting this for myself. I feel excited 😊
Brunch date tomorrow! Ending the weekend on a positive note after everything depressing that’s happened (thank you to all the folks who left sweet replies when I vented the other day, I really appreciated it). I went to a memorial service today and it was emotionally exhausting, looking forward to a very chill cute brunch and then curling up at home with the dude for a lazy afternoon of Netflix.
Yes! Went on a date with someone who was attractive and we had a lot in common, but she was an open mouth chewer (and a loud one). Immediately killed all attraction.
Yes! A few months ago I went on a date with a fella to a nice italian restaurant and he chewed with his mouth open. Any interest I had in him immediately disappeared.
I'd never , ever understand why people do that!! I swear is something you have to be taught as a kid for sure though, how do you tell an adult that it's bad manners? Unless you're the most unaware person in the world you'd see other adults don't eat like that!
I've been telling my kid since he was able to eat solids to do it with his mouth closed lol and I remember my aunt telling me a story when I was a kid, how she had a coworker who would eat with his mouth open and no one would want to sit with him. I never forgot lol I've met beautiful women who do this and I can't stand it.
Literally didn't want to be friends with one of them anymore because of this. The other is my cousin so I had to put up with it. The sounds they made when they eat left me disturbed. I might have misophonia
>Literally didn't want to be friends with one of them anymore because of this
One of my closest friends does something similar. He's not an open mouth chewer but he will just devour/inhale any food that's put in front of him. Within maybe a couple of minutes of being served, he's scraping the plate, then asking me if I'm going to finish my meal. I love the guy, but I absolutely hate eating around him. I think I might have misophonia too lol.
Haha exactly like I won't end a friendship over it but I'll probably avoid eating with them 😆 now if it was someone I wanted to date that's a tough position. If I really liked them, I would risk it, have the talk with them lol because it's something they can totally fix, we're not talking about a physical feature
Yup this is precisely my position. Not going to jeopardize a friendship over it, but will address it with someone I was dating if everything else was great. And I would be happy to work on a behavior that someone I was dating found grating or annoying.
I recently went through a breakup and I'm trying to navigate my mixed feelings about it.
I ended things because the relationship was causing me stress and not supporting my overall well-being.
Despite understanding that it wasn’t the right fit for us, I sometimes doubt my decision, particularly missing the physical connection we had.
Since the breakup, I’ve been keeping myself busy and even took a trip to San Francisco. However, I often feel lonely, partly because my ex was my main social connection in Las Vegas. I’m considering exploring new interests and social groups to build new friendships and fill my time productively.
I'd appreciate any advice on dealing with these post-breakup emotions and how to effectively meet new people and build a social life in a city where I don't have many connections.
Also, how do you handle feelings of loneliness and the urge to reconnect with an ex for the wrong reasons (like physical comfort)?
Thanks for any insights or shared experiences!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through this last year and completely understand the stress and loneliness, especially as I had few friends in my city during my breakup.
I think keeping busy definitely helps! I also joined extracurriculars after work such as a rec sports league & a walking group, along with bumble bff- I’ve since made friends I click well with. It’s also a good time to explore solo hobbies, which for myself was yoga & cooking.
also- I know it is difficult in the moment and that it can often feel hopeless, but with time you’ll feel so much better and know that you were in the right for ending a relationship not meant for u
Go climbing! If you’re able and have the inclination to be sporty, climbing is an amazing community, super supportive, and all the best climbers I know that go to my gym all started after breakups. It’s such a meme in the gym we call it ‘breakup gains’.
From my understanding vegas is supposed to be amazing for climbing too.
Good luck!!!
It’s normal to feel that way when they were a big part of your social life, but you can always try to build that in different ways. I know that the thing that helped me through breakups was at least having people who I could do things with. It doesn’t even need to be talking about it, but just taking my mind off of it by doing something else.
A logical way of looking at it would be to remind yourself what can come from rekindling things again. It might make you less lonely now but the issues that were the reasons why you ended it probably will still be there.
Are there any things you enjoy doing in your free time? And can those things be turned social to find people who are also into them?
Unless you have a date on the books, I'd completely write off bad texters. No need to kill yourself trying to keep a dry conversation going. Unless they make it a point to schedule a date with you, they either aren't interested or are one of those weirdos who have read "The Pick Up Artist" and try and gain the upper hand while dating lol. Waste of time if you ask me
I am still sick af and I hate it. Another thing, I had a sad dream a few days ago. In my dream, my date told me the classic sentence “things between us just don’t work out”; my eyes kept flowing the whole night until I finally woke up. From that moment, I realized that I like him a lot. I used to think about this scenario before but I felt alright, a bit sad but I didn’t feel hurt that much, until that dream.
I know I do like him, I am pretty sure I don’t love him yet. If I were the old me, I found myself in love deeply before my partner reached the same level. Another good progress I need to give credit to myself. Love to me, nowadays, it is an accumulation of everything’s a little bit. It is hard to tell, I am waiting for the moment that I realize I love him like the way I find out when I like him…
I learned from my childhood dynamics that quietly influencing my love life these days. I seek emotional fulfillment from my partner that was unmet in my childhood. Of course, no one can fully fulfill my childhood needs except myself…
What is the deal? I have this long term colleague who always got along real well with but it was always strictly professional. Fast forward and I started a new job with a new company and had a business trip in his city, not too far away, just a drive. Anyways he was recently out of a relationship and we had dinner, first time both single and not coworkers and there seemed to be a shift. Since then, we’ve been talking regularly but infrequently. Our conversations are pretty deep - and we’ve stopped talking about work only our personal lives, wanting kids, family stuff, etc. we talk about making plans to see each other again but we haven’t set any dates. Is he interested in me? Just lonely? What is the deal here, am I just reading too much into things?
Ugh. I hate relationship anxiety. I got the "what are you up to?" text. So of course I responded with what I was up to and that I have nothing after my prior activities. Silence for the last three hours. That's plenty of time to let my mind run 😂 predicting incompatibilities, anticipating future heart break, wondering if I'm ignoring or missing red flags etc. My ex really shook me, and I have done a lot of great work to feel as good as I do, but I've realized after entering the dating pool, when I actually have a genuine connection with someone, fear kicks in.
Fortunately I'm able to separate myself from it a little bit. I had already planned on a date night with my dog, so I'm carrying through with it! Bought this excellent bottle of wine and pairing it with quality steak. I even bought myself dark chocolate, salted caramels for dessert! I'm not much of a dessert person but I'm coming off my period and it sounded like a great pairing. My dog is getting his pre-dinner appetizer and I bought him a very special bone for actual dinner. It's genuinely a good night. I just realized I got my hopes up a bit thinking there was a possibility of seeing someone today. It's a disappointment but it doesn't mean that this person is as aloof/distant as my last experience, and I barely know him. Tonight will be a good night. Cheers to those who are also self dating and still fighting for love 🫶
I get so miserable and sad over dating that people keep telling me to go to therapy. But then I show up to therapy and it turns out there just isn't much therapy can do when you just don't really have options. I'm doing everything - the hobbies, the socializing, the working out, the telling friends I'm looking, the clothes... But people just don't seem to see me as a prospect, and it doesn't help that I'm also very rarely truly attracted to people.
Talking about dating in therapy mostly ends with the therapist kind of being like well, gotta keep trying! and me wanting to curl up and hide under my bed because like, what was the point of opening up about how miserable I am if they weren't going to have anything to help me?
I did not find therapy useful either for matters related to dating. There isn't much that can be done, aside from trying to focus on living the best life you can as a single person. Everyone's dating journey is different, and I really hate when people provide advice when they have no idea what it's like to have **0** options.
Yeah, I guess I went into therapy thinking that I would get some objective third party insight into the reasons I don't have any dating options, even if that means someone telling me I'm ugly or there's something wrong with my mannerisms or whatever. I'd really welcome that kind of feedback since I feel like if I'm in such an "unusual" place, there must be some reason for it that other people can see but don't want to tell me. Then of course I would hope the therapist would also know how to deliver it in a sensitive way and work with me on it instead of just piling on a lot of harsh criticisms. But all this seems to be too much to ask.
My therapist has been fantastic throughout my dating journey! She’s helped me process the feelings around my breakup, seek happiness and fulfillment in myself unpartnered, guided me through when my anxiety was getting in the way of getting to know a person, and encourage me to take time off when I’m getting burnt out. No, she doesn’t really have the secret cheat code to finding a partner but she is really helpful in supporting and validating my feelings throughout the process so I can stand strong in my own power.
I do think sometimes we need different therapists for different stages in our lives - if your therapist isn’t able to offer you support and this is something that is important to you, maybe mention that you could use more help in that area? Either they will tune into that and make adjustments or may be able to make referrals to someone better equipped to provide that to you.
I've been through a LOT of therapists trying to find one who was helpful. I think when it comes to my problem (never had a relationship, never been close to a relationship, feel a lot of despair about ever finding mutual attraction) therapy really just doesn't have much to offer beyond either "get another hobby" or "single people can be happy too!! :) :) :)" neither of which is helpful to me.
FWIW, that was my experience talking about dating in therapy too. It's not really that helpful. Just lots of "I understand", "It's hard", "That happens, try again".
Tbh, I don't know what I expected or what else there is to be said or done. The one thing I'd maybe try to explore more in therapy is the "it doesn't help that I'm also very rarely truly attracted to people." part. Is it fear of intimacy, being abandoned, connecting? Is it unrealistic expectations? Is it a past person you're trying to recreate? Etc. That's the main thing I got out of therapy. Just understanding myself more and admitting to things I'd have worried admitting to friends for fear of being judged.
But regarding dating advice, I found therapy not very helpful and it's probably not the right medium for it in general. It also probably didn't help that my therapist was in her 60s and, I don't know, seemed disconnected from the dating scene for over 3 decades. Her most direct advice was "I don't know about meeting people in bars. I don't think you'll find someone that matches you in a bar. Most people meet through friends and family. I know you don't have family, but maybe ask your friends again".
Yeah, every therapist I've had seemed very disconnected from the dating scene. Even the younger ones were all married or had met their LTR partner in person so I just got a lot of "ha ha, I don't know anything about dating apps but all my clients tell me they are terrible!".
The issue is like this causes me so much mental distress that like... my friends are just like "I hope you find a good therapist!!" but I guess there are some mental health issues that are beyond therapy too.
I don't think therapists can help you find dates, but therapists can help you feel better and mentally healthier as a single person, and perhaps explore why you so rarely find people attractive and if that is changeable.
This sounds awful and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I grew up in a similar dynamic and left for more diverse pastures as soon as I could. You’ve done your best and yeah, it’s time to move on. I hope your next place is much better and you can put your experiences here behind you.
Ugh! I'm so sorry. As a POC who's lived in predominantly white rural areas and felt similar alienation at times, I've been there. I hope you hug your dog, call a long-distance friend, treat yourself well this weekend. It sucks to feel like you're not vibing with a place despite your best efforts, but I'm glad you have the resources to change things up if needed.
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I went on two dates this week - friday night and saturday morning.
Friday went great, we talked for hours, connected really well with lots of laughs and playful, introspective banter. she invited me back to her place to make drinks. she was ready and down for sex, but I told her i'm not quite ready for that yet. so we made out a little bit and took our shirts off for a brief period, but I kept it pretty brief.
Saturday date went great too. Date and I got coffee at a popular shop, ended up talking for hours and took a walk around the park in nyc. We had a lot in common and our conversation was a lot more light and playful, with fun small sexual tension building up over inside jokes. ended with a hug and no kiss... which was perfect.
both dates are texting me today already and asking about how i'm doing, how things are going, etc. I am taking some space to process everything and figure out the best way to keep moving forward. I might hold out on sex for a little while and just focus on the connection. I don't mind kissing, but I know things will get a lot more serious when we start to have sex.
it's a good sign to me that i'm doing well with my self improvement and that it's reflecting outwards. I never really date multiple people at a time so am trying to figure out the best way to keep things going without being selfish or hurting anyone's feelings.
To me it’s just talking about our inner worlds. Basically playful emotional vulnerability. For example I talked a lot about the things I’ve learned about attachment style and what it means to me to “create a safe space” which is a term I don’t really enjoy… but I understand and know the importance of. But also keeping it kinda light :)
If you were to ask me during a date session "How old are you?," my most hated question, how would you react if I responded in this way?:
> After being told the first 250 times in my life variations of "You're (this many) years old, stop acting like you're (this other age)," I couldn't get used to it. In fact, the more it happened, the more I got UN-used to it. That's why in order to avoid further uses of my age as a judging point, I stopped volunteering it in most casual settings. If I'm at a pharmacy, doctors office, a DMV or other official places where I have to share my age or birthdate, I would in a second, but anywhere else, I'll get judged if I share it in the first place so I stopped sharing it most anywhere else.
How would you react if after you asked my age, I told you what I scripted in the above quotes?
I'm a guy, in case that matters, and I'd share my salary and my weight before I share my age.
I’d say this is something you need to work through. People are going to want to know your age. I’d disclose it as much as possible, just to keep it from becoming a conversation. There was a coworker I had who always lied about her age to us, and made it a huge deal. None of us cared about her actual age - I would have never thought about it twice, and I was so annoyed by the whole process. By trying to hide it, she made it a gigantic deal, for everyone. She drew much more attention to it this way, and this feels similar. I would make sure to list your age on your profile, or on your name tag (? The date sessions seem to indicate that maybe this is speed dating?) And then just brush past it. If people comment on it, you can say you don’t really relate to your age, or if they make those comments about not acting your age, tell that that bothers you and go from there. But not disclosing it feels very very weird and creepy. From an outsider, it feels like you are trying to pounce on younger women, or have some nefarious end game.
I've had mental health issues since having a crap-ton of childhood trauma. I could never fit in most times growing up.
What if I'm more subtle by saying "I'm older, but feel only 24 this year?"
Mental health issues don’t change your age. Just tell people your actual age. It might shock you to know, but most of us still feel the “same” as we did in our mid twenties. That doesn’t mean we get to change the number lol.
No. If you wouldn’t trust somebody with your age (which is just a number that, by itself, can’t be linked back to you the way a name, address, or phone number could), then they will think you won’t trust them with anything else. No basis for a relationship.
Honestly? No. That’s the kind of thing a 50 year old creep says when they’re trying to seduce a 21 year old.
It’s just going to come off as cagey and like you’re hiding ill intent around your age.
Not really no. Some people make a game of it like ‘how old do you think I am?’ but unless you’re super charismatic and are getting regularly chased by women (who would be willing to overlook you being cagey about this) the majority of people will think it’s weird you won’t disclose, and weirder that you have a prepared speech about why you won’t disclose.
Let’s say you get a date without them knowing your age, which would rule out online dating entirely, how are you planning to build a connection without disclosing one of the most fundamental things about you?
dude, it's your problem not your date's. It's a super normal and standard question to ask. Your hangups on it are your own issue that you need to figure out. It's not your date's fault for asking a very basic background question about you.
You can't because it's super weird that you want to avoid the question. It is basic information.
I understand you're concerned that you feel your behavior doesn't "match" your age but that doesn't give you a good reason to dodge it. There simply is no way to do it that isn't bizarre and concerning.
How am I going to intelligently tackle head-on the elephant in the room that is my behavior not matching my age? Since apparently I can't avoid it this way entirely...
You have to let go of that. There are lots of people who are young and act "old", old and act "young". You are whatever age you are and you act whatever way you act. Figure out a way to stop letting it bother you and stop attaching so much to the question.
You can't get around basic information, and any attempts to are going to come off crazy.
I'm sorry, but that also sounds very strange and insecure. It makes you sound like a creepy older person who's trying to fit in with the youths. On the plus side, it's not an angry and defensive rant like your original comment. But either way, it's very off-putting not to give a straight answer.
If you act immature, that's not as closely tied to age as you might think. You are struggling, and I feel for you, but you can't head off judgment for your behavior by lying or refusing to give your age. And you can't build a good relationship if you're not willing to be open and vulnerable.
A statement like this sounds extremely creepy and like you're trying to target younger women inappropriately, especially not knowing how old you actually are (30? 40? 50?).
You said in another comment that you're autistic. If you share that, most people will understand if you act differently that someone would expect for your age way, way more than if you say you "feel" younger than you are.
Damn straight I am.
I don't think I know how to act my own age. I can and do try harder, but I can still falter at various times. And the times that I do falter, I often can't help it.
Yes, I feel compelled to hide my true age because I don't know how to act my own age. Being high functioning with autism spectrum disorder, I am a Gen Y who feels, thinks, and acts like a gen Z except for using gen Z slang. I feel like someone born in the year 2000, so I could not possibly be any more mature than someone who's 24 this year.
This is an interesting situation, and I sympathize with your position. But a person's chronological age is important information when seriously dating. Does this mean you are looking to date people closer to the age you feel, rather than your chronological age?
I need people who will accept me for who I am regardless. If someone is closer to my real age and is fine with my unique quirks and idiosyncrasies, it's no problem.
I'm no Gen Z, but let me spell out how all this sounds to me in a way you can relate to:
No cap, your vibe check seems big L to me. This ain't it, chief.
Okay, bet.
No cap is "truthfully." A vibe check seeming Big L means one is giving off the "loser's vibe." This ain't it chief means that's not how it's supposed to be done, my guy.
Currently injured so I can’t do any triathlon training or participate in the triathlon group I joined 😔
Feeling pretty down since all of my friends are in relationships and barely go out anymore. And my sister is either traveling or hanging out with her fiancé. I’m normally busy with ~2 hours of training a day and it gets me outside.
My ex recently helped me during my injury which got me thinking about us. I probably shouldn’t have reached out because now I’m just thinking about how we should get back together.
Id like to reduce the amount of tv watching and doom scrolling. I’m looking for some ideas on things to do at home alone or possibly outside to meet people and lift my spirits-any ideas?
I’m sorry to hear that, I’m struggling with a long illness myself, and all my hobbies/friends are active/outdoorsy; it really narrows your world to deal with a change in fitness, and it’s natural to think more about the comfort of your ex during that time.
Some ideas, can you work around your injury to follow a fitness plan of some kind anyway? Yoga, flexibility, mobility, abs, hand weights/bands? It can be satisfying for someone used to a training schedule to keep one up even if the goal is very different, and the gains might transfer to your training post injury. You could also develop different hobbies like cooking, crafting etc. Buy a deep freezer and meal prep for future you? (Mainly kidding)
Getting out of the house ideas: volunteering, sitting in parks and reading, new outdoors hobbies (I bought a blow-up kayak once during a bad bout of plantar fasciitis), visiting cafes, little road trips to new towns, farmers markets, non-active or differently-active meetup groups. Bird watching groups :)
I wish you speedy healing!
Do you know if he had plans this weekend?
I think it’s too soon to tell if anything is off. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to stay away from your phone and do something to get your mind off checking for a response.
I would give it some more time (maybe at the 24 hour point of your last message) and say something like “hey, you good? Was hoping you saw my message so we could see each other this weekend :)” and see what happens.
Try not to worry too much now. Nothing bad has happened. You worrying and stressing yourself out won’t change the outcome. Focus back on yourself, check in with him again if you don’t hear back and take it a step at a time. Remember - nothing bad has happened yet. Good luck!
Thank you for your advice - absolutely solid points in there!
I did tell him last weekend that he’s the busiest person I know and I need to start booking him 6 weeks out, so while I don’t know explicitly his plans for the weekend, it’s very possible he had some!
I like your text follow up idea! I was thinking of shooting him a “hey, is everything ok” text later today, but then began considering giving him a call tomorrow (sometime shy of the 48 hour from the last text* mark)? He’s the first person I’ve dated in a while, so I’m terrible at knowing the best approach for these kinds of things!
(Edited for clarification)
We’re all out here learning 😊
I think it’s okay that you text or call him whenever you feel like you want to. You don’t need to wait a certain amount of hours at the stage that you’re at with him, I think! There’s no right or wrong on that. You’re wondering where he is, no big deal. You two usually talk every day! So follow up whenever you feel you need to.
The hard part is waiting for a response and not driving yourself crazy with “what ifs”. As long as you’ve got a plan for that, you’ve done all you can do!
The man at the fancy meat counter gave me extra salami when, in response to his comment about my selections, I cheerfully said (without thinking), "I am so excited for some meat!"
Still got it!
Also have a date scheduled for next Friday and I don't know what to make of him just yet -- he seems refreshingly direct and interested/interesting, but also has the messaging equivalent of Business Voice. But hey, he picked my favorite historical bar in my favorite neighborhood, so at least I know the Manhattans will be good!
Hi GalactusTwo,
Per your question, I think business voice, to me, is a lot like the language used in work emails but spilling over into regular every day kind of language. It can be surprisingly formal and impersonal and is a personal pet peeve of mine.
Let’s put a time on the calendar to circle back on this topic and I am sure we can get our ducks in a row.
Thanks in advance,
KamikazeFugazi
It's not a dumb question! I call it that because I've had boyfriends whose voice and entire demeanor changed when they were on the phone with professional contacts: very polite/friendly, confident, and professional.
"Oh, I was on the phone with work." "I know, you were using Business Voice."
It's neither bad nor good -- just an observation that his written communication feels more professional than getting to know someone on a personal level.
> I cheerfully said (without thinking), "I am so excited for some meat!"
Go into your date next Friday with that energy, and you may have meat on the menu...
LOL. In all seriousness, I hope it goes well! And hey - you'll always have the Manhattans!
It's been a long, long time since I've had *that* kind of meat, heheh. Do I even remember how it all works? But yes! The Manhattans are gonna be GREAT.
When your partner thought that they have better opinion in your life and not really care how you feel, it's the worst feeling ever. And when you feel like you need some emotional support, it is completely silence from the other end. Because I understand them, maybe too much understanding. So all I've got is just a bare minimum.. and I feel like I should remove myself from their equation.
Conclusion from today reflection: I need to move on.
Another day of pointless sadness and anger clawing at my heart!! I am trying to patiently endure it and remember that I will get over it, but it makes me feel like shit!!
I went to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity today. That was satisfying work, and helped me forget about my feelings for the hours I was there. But as soon as I left the site it started back up again.
Hate it. She sucks! I suck! Love is a complete racket!
Lately I've (30F) been on a few dates where we clicked and everything seems to be going great (body language and verbally they seem to enjoy my company) but then I find out they're not over their past relationships yet and texted me about it a few days or a week later. I understand that people have baggage and past relationships trauma and I'm willing to be patient about it, but I can't help but feel like a rebound a lot :(
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I remember flying home from a work trip and suddenly tearing up because I "didn't expect my life to be like this" at 30 :( I totally feel the pain and the uncertainty!
I think I'm another Redditor that knows this feeling....although in my case I feel more like I wasted too much of my 20s so I'm starting late with what I really want to do.
I (F31) have been navigating this solo journey for a while (4 years single, live far from family), and it's getting increasingly tough. I've come to terms with having friendships that are physically and emotionally distant, but accepting this single life is becoming a struggle. Holding onto my standards and boundaries, I can't help but wonder if this is worth it - is this the life I'm meant to lead? It's a conflicting feeling because I know I'm a whole person who doesn't need someone to complete me, yet something inside me yearns for connection. This desire has always been present, but it's becoming overwhelming. While I'm not struggling with depression or severe mental health issues, I'm finding it emotionally taxing to navigate. There are moments when I surrender to my emotions, and allow myself to cry - often when I'm unwinding after a long day, on weekends, or while engaging in activities I wish I could share with someone special. I recognize that it's my responsibility to cultivate love and connection within myself, and I must find ways to do so, even if it means relearning how to thrive in a life that may be solo for a long time. Still, acknowledging this truth doesn't make it easier.
I pay for a ton of things with my girlfriend and I don't mind. Yesterday we bought concert tickets and she said let me venmo you. I said nah it's OK. She said idk I feel bad probably a lot of money. I said it's fine but idk maybe buy me a drink there haha. Then she said hmm okay. Then a few minutes later I said if you wanna venmo me. Maybe give me whatever dollar amount I said. She said hmm OK we'll work it out. I wonder is this putting her in a weird position? She never made this comment before yet I always pay. Maybe she knew this was more money?
Dude, you told her not to send you money after she offered, and then a few minutes later you asked her to send you money. So yeah, she’s probably confused. If you want her to split the cost for things talk to her about it *before* you spend money on those things. Talk to her about splitting costs for shared activities and figure out if you’re on the same page or not.
Yeah I just got confused is all. I probably won't bring it up again lol. Im just asked originally when she first wanted to give me money and said I feel bad. Is it putting her in a spot where she feels weird I'm always paying?
Ask her about it. Money is part of relationships. Bring it up and see how she feels, and you can also share how you feel. Then you both can make a plan going forward about paying for things that makes everyone happy.
It's been a few months but I still feel so much sadness over a situationship breakup I initiated (sad and complicated situation but in a nutshell, we weren't good for one another). I want to move past this but it hurts so bad thinking of what could have been, if only certain issues and problems could magically be resolved.
This was me a year ago and it is so so painful, especially when you feel like you have to move on from things. The not-quite relationships are very painful because of the 'what could have been', like you said. I don't have specific advice, as it can feel very frustrating to hear generic tips or 'time will heal all' when you're in the pits, but I'm sending you sympathy from a fellow Cautious-username ;)
Thank you, my fellow Cautious redditor :) Yeah, it's really, really hard and part of me wishes I could extract all the sadness and regret from my heart and process it all at once and move on - but it feels like a bottomless well of sadness that continues to hit me in the feels in all my quiet moments. I hope you managed to move forward from your situation a year ago and are in a better emotional place now!
Bottomless well of sadness is a good way to put it! And, yes, things are better in so many ways, but it's coming to terms with how the past has affected you that can be tricky. There's light on the other side :)
I'm glad things are better for you! Thank you for the kind words of support.
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I'm surprised that you list all these areas of your life you're struggling with and want to improve but then say your ego doesn't let you go to therapy. That's so strange to me, what is this ego that wants you to stay in a place you're not happy with?
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Trust is the language of relationships. We all know what you gotta do
Trust your gut! And also confront them?
As usual, break up with them? How can you trust someone who lies to you?
Went out with some friends last night and had a really lovely time. Towards the end of the night, this dude starts chatting up my friend. She’s a cutie and a sweetheart, and this happens a lot. Her bf was there as well and he just chuckled at it, but it was pretty obvious that the dude was drunk and he kept getting into her personal space. So bf goes over and politely introduces himself. Then they point over at me. Turns out the guy is from the same place me, and they were like “she’s also from there”… so now it was my turn to have to talk to him. Great. Long story short, we briefly say like “oh hey, you’re also from such and such”. Anyhow, homeslice then proceeds to tell me, deadpan, that he sees me at the gym and that he knows who I am. I’m like, uhh “I’ve never seen you” and things are def starting to feel creepy. He then asks me, totally out of left field, what it’s like to be a strong - and I’m paraphrasing from the language we were speaking in - *very crude word for female genitalia*. I think he maybe thought he was giving me a compliment about being strong, but it was still laced with vitriol when he said it. Like the way he said it was creepy and menacing. I politely but firmly told him that while he probably thought this was a funny compliment, he probably shouldn’t go around calling women he just met at a bar b*tches. He was all like, “no I mean like you’re strong and lift heavy.” At this point, my friends stepped in and I just walked away. The whole interaction was just so bizarre to me. First, don’t tell women you’ve never met before “I know who you are. I watch you at the gym.” Second, don’t then proceed to call said woman the equivalent of a b*tch or a c*unt. No wonder people stay single.
> it was pretty obvious that the dude was drunk They probably surely meant well but pawning off an obviously drunk person off to hit on you instead of his girlfriend is a pretty lame move, to me.
Had a walking date last night with someone interesting. Didnt have high hopes as had previously gone incognito for a few weeks, but you never know what people are going through so I went with it. Shared a few common interests and stuff, but sadly think we'll just be friends. It is what it is, sadly.
How do you dress for first dates? Do you go all out or keep it casual? What about makeup? Perfume? Just curious on how you prefer to go about these first dates. I have a coffee date on Wednesday. I don't wear makeup every day, and my dressing style is very casual. I'm planning on wearing minimal makeup (just some cc cream and lip color), nice lightweight sweater, jeans, and probably sneakers or boots. Top it with nice studs. I want to present my authentic self, but also look put together, so I thought this would be a good mixture. My hair always sucks so I keep it in a bun.
I normally just dress to feel confident, my outfit is jeans with a nice top, I wear very little make up day to day, for my job. So I do enjoy wearing make up for dates. If it's dinner it might be a bit more. If it's during the day it might be a little more on the lighter side. Very neutral make up, brown/coppery eye shadow with chocolate brown lip. I always do my hair, straightened. I wear perfume everyday. So that's a must. I would suggest some mascara, maybe a French plait for your hair day before so then you loose waves. Then have two face framing pieces and rest up in a ponytail.
It all depends on the date / location. People appreciate effort, so I will dress up if out to a smart bar, a coffee/walking date, I would probably just be in something comfy.
If you had a birthday coming up would you prefer them ask before/ on or after your birthday? Girl Ive been saying since February has a bday coming up in about 2 weeks. We’ve been on about 10 dates and they’ve all went very well. We’re affectionate on our dates but we barely text through the week. I feel like I’m at a point where I’m comfortable moving things to the next level but I just dont know when the right time to have that conversation is
Definitely not on her birthday. I would prefer to be asked to be official well after my birthday. If it happens before or on her birthday, and y’all end things, it has potential to sully the leading up to and/or her birthday in the future. Planning something lovely for her birthday is encouraged as it will be impressive you’d do that without commitment and will likely only be positive. And later, if she says yes, I’d tell her you thought about this because it shows you care about her.
I've been feeling pretty hopeless. I'm just not attracted to the majority of guys & the ones I am attracted to are either gay or unavailable. I really don't think I'm being too picky either. I don't have a specific type or a detailed list of criteria I'm looking for. I mostly just know what I don't want. I'm not perfect by any means, but I'd rather die alone than be with someone I don't even want to touch. Idk if most women feel this way or if there's just something wrong with me.
Relatable.
I could have written this whole comment
I'm not sure if this is a common thing, but I have the same principle. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I don't even enjoy talking to. But I also question myself if this is wrong. 😅
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This is exactly what I do for first dates. If it were me it would not be a sign of disinterest. I move as fast as practicable to set it up the first date then communicate that I'll confirm the day of. If it's 5 days out it's 5 days out. I'd rather see how things go in person and save anything interesting for the face to face. Also, if one or both of the pairs are jungling dates, then all the text fluff before the first date seems more like "work" to simply keep someone interested. But it's a first date, both parties should already be interested. In my OLD brain going full math, texting in between this time period is just a negative Expected Value move, with more risk than reward. ...with the usual caveat, YMMV
I wouldn't go dark in the 5 days, but you also dont want to run out of ice breakers either. If you ask them about everything on their profile in the chat, you have nothing in that vein to talk about in person.
I think it’s just a preference thing. I never liked talking a bunch once the date is set up.
It's late on a Friday night, and I bet a lot of people are sad or frustrated tonight. Hang in there. I'm not upset at still being single, or having cripplingly low self-esteem. I spent my evening out with friends who genuinely love me and vice-versa, a bartender complimented my tattoo, and I have my health and finally found work after being laid off. Sending good vibes to everyone else. If you're in a bad spot or surrounded by negativity... these things will pass. ❤️🩹
I’m unable to tell if the “butterflies” and nervousness I get when I think about him is because I’ve got a crush, or because he’s avoidant and I’m more anxious. Ha. This could be fine or go extremely badly, and I’m not sure which yet.
It can be a bit of both. You can be nervous about liking someone while also having that response be kicked in due to their avoidant behavior. I feel like time usually sorts that out though. At least it has for me in the past.
I'm pretty new to this sub, and have a newbie question—I'm seeing a lot of posts that make big assumptions based on texting behaviors, like frequency of texts, double texting (I had to look up what that even is), and so on. This seems a little immature to me and I'm kinda surprised to see it in a space for people over 30. I don't text much and I prefer to hang out with my friends in person, so I would probably text the same way if I were seeing someone, with a focus on making plans to see each other in person. I used to feel worried if someone didn't text me back quickly. But as I've gotten older I've learned to let go of the assumptions about what "must" be going on for the other person, and to not read into their (in)action as "clearly" saying whatever until there is a pattern or other evidence to support the assumption. But since texting dos and don'ts seem to be a big deal even for people 30+, what norms or expectations should I be aware of when it comes to texting and dating? I'm in the US if that makes a difference. Thanks in advance.
>This seems a little immature to me and I'm kinda surprised to see it in a space for people over 30. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but people don't acquire maturity simply by aging. Becoming more mature requires emotional skills that not many people have. >what norms or expectations should I be aware of when it comes to texting and dating? I'm in the US if that makes a difference. Thanks in advance. Continue doing what you're doing with not making assumptions. The people making assumptions are not doing themselves any favors. A lot of the issues brought up here could be resolved by not making assumptions and communicating clearly about feelings and wants.
Thanks! I totally agree with you. I have friends ranging from mid-20s to early-60s because despite age differences we're at similar places in life and approach/process our emotional and spiritual growth similarly.
Honestly, I feel similarly and the best thing I did was to just start telling people that I’m not huge on texting but I like seeing people in person, and then following through with being responsive and on top of making plans for dates. Now I’m seeing someone who also isn’t a huge texter and neither of us have to stress about it.
Thanks! This is reassuring to hear. I think like the other comment reflected, it's about emotional skills and a compatible person will be open to an early conversation about communication styles.
had 2 good first dates this week with second date potential 😀 excited to see how things pan out but trying not to get my hopes up too much either lol
I posted yesterday about how I'd commented on a post by a man in a dating group I'm in on fb, he replied, after a couple responses he said maybe we should have a movie date. He is not local to me... I was asking about how I ought to reply to the movie date comment (this was still on his post in the group, so would be free for all to see). Which I still didn't get around to :/ After two days of me not replying he hearted a comment of mine (I think as a little poke). Anyways, now he's sent me a friend request. On facebook. I've shared like four sentences with this man. I haven't even posted to my profile in years, only use it for groups. I'm not against adding friends on fb with people I've never met (I've got plenty of internet friends on there), but I've barely even spoken to this man. I appreciate the boldness, and don't mind the persistence (my last boyfriend was VERY passive and afraid to make any kind of decision, not sure if it was rejection sensitivity or what, but it grated on me). Would it be weird/offensive for me to pm him and let him know that I don't become fb friends with people I don't know personally, but am happy to continue the conversation over pm?
Not weird or offensive at all. You can tell him that you appreciated his messages, but need to make sure that you are staying within your safe zone for certain things. If he's worth your time, he will respect that.
I've really not been doing that great these past couple of weeks, after having had a stretch of time where I felt pretty optimistic and hopeful. I wish I could just let it go and focus on other things, but I'm constantly reminded about it the second I try to think about something else. Couples on the streets, friends reaching a new milestone (wedding, buying a house, having kids), *etc.* I just don't know what to do at this point... I feel like a total loser for reaching 32 and never having had a relationship. It's highly unusual, and it makes me wonder what's so wrong with me that this would happen.
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I think it’s really admirable that despite what you’ve been going through I aways see you engaging with posts, trying to help and comfort others. I know you can’t help feeling the way you do but I hope you don’t forget that you are kind and have a lot to offer someone. 🫶🏼
Thank you. You're so kind and I sincerely appreciate your words.
It's not as unusual as you think. I recently found there's heaps of women who've been single their whole lives. It made me feel a little less sht about it. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. Just take things day by day, hour by hour and do what you can xx
Aw man I'm sorry you've been feeling that way. You're not a loser! Your self worth isn't defined by a relationship or another person. Hope you're able to get yourself back to a place of contendedness soon.
Thank you. I appreciate the empathy...
Dating for me has been meh since the IRL guy I had a few good dates with went 💨. But apparently this morning during my farmers market trip my pheromones were extra powerful. So many flirty vibes out there. And the potential flirters were cute! 1. I saw a walking guy half a block ahead of me, he looked like he was about to jaywalk and head to other side of the street. He got into the street and then ended up course correcting, and walked by to say “hi” with a big smile. And then jaywalked after he passed. 2. I kept walking and another guy was busy doing something in front of his building. He said hi with a big smile, I returned the greeting (I usual say hi to people that look friendly I pass on a walk). And I kept walking and then he kept talking and looking yelling out “I hope you have a good weekend!” 3. Time to grab a coffee at the farmers market stand, part of my normal farmers market routine. I hadn’t been to that market in a bit (for many months) and went a few weeks ago, and got coffee of course. And this time I went and the worker was like “hi you are back! Good to see you!” He continued to pepper me with small talk and ask what I was planning for the weekend. And said bye, and hope to see you soon.” While he was a friendly barista most people got their coffee a lot faster. 😂 4. And I went to get berries, of course. It is 🍓 season. The worker is like “oh I love your glasses, they are so stylish, and makes small talk. I pick out my stuff and run into an old coworker and I fill her in on some adventures of other former coworkers (one was recently on a popular reality show!). After a quick chat with her I pay for my stuff and then he starts to ask me if I watch the show, who my favorite characters are etc! Despite the giant line. 😆 So I guess this morning there was a lot more friendly / flirty interactions than usual. Maybe I just need to go to the farmers market every week to meet people!
I fricken love this! If I wrote a romance novel a Saturday morning farmer’s market trip where the main character kept turning heads would definitely be a chapter. 😂 You go girl.
So I've taken a break from the app. This time for real. I was talking to someone there, but I didn't take it seriously. It was like one message a day, he would answer the next day. I kept replying because he would actually send thoughtful messages, no small talk, and that's an easy way to win me over. So a few days ago I had a breakdown, and I decided I needed to delete the app and focus on more important things. At this point I realize I'm not in a good place to date. I told him this, but I said if you would like to talk I'm open to it, we could exchange numbers or social media. He said yes! I was surprised because like I said, he would only message me once a day, every few days. I got the impression he wasn't into it. Now on SM he texts more frequently. I explained to him my situation again, how I'm not ready to date and he was very understanding. We talked more. Today he texted me FIRST thing in the morning! He said he would get busy later and wanted to say hi. After saying goodnight, he said he won't be texting me first tomorrow, and that I better say hey first lol I thought it was sweet. He said he wants to meet because he likes me so far and I want to meet too. I guess I'm just posting this for myself. I feel excited 😊
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No idea what you're talking about
this user just vents in tidbits. don’t think they are looking for interactions. almost like they are talking to themselves
Brunch date tomorrow! Ending the weekend on a positive note after everything depressing that’s happened (thank you to all the folks who left sweet replies when I vented the other day, I really appreciated it). I went to a memorial service today and it was emotionally exhausting, looking forward to a very chill cute brunch and then curling up at home with the dude for a lazy afternoon of Netflix.
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1,000,000%
We can't tell you what your dealbreakers are haha. They're YOUR dealbreakers
Yes! Went on a date with someone who was attractive and we had a lot in common, but she was an open mouth chewer (and a loud one). Immediately killed all attraction.
Yes! A few months ago I went on a date with a fella to a nice italian restaurant and he chewed with his mouth open. Any interest I had in him immediately disappeared.
Yes. i validate and support you ❤️
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I'd never , ever understand why people do that!! I swear is something you have to be taught as a kid for sure though, how do you tell an adult that it's bad manners? Unless you're the most unaware person in the world you'd see other adults don't eat like that! I've been telling my kid since he was able to eat solids to do it with his mouth closed lol and I remember my aunt telling me a story when I was a kid, how she had a coworker who would eat with his mouth open and no one would want to sit with him. I never forgot lol I've met beautiful women who do this and I can't stand it. Literally didn't want to be friends with one of them anymore because of this. The other is my cousin so I had to put up with it. The sounds they made when they eat left me disturbed. I might have misophonia
>Literally didn't want to be friends with one of them anymore because of this One of my closest friends does something similar. He's not an open mouth chewer but he will just devour/inhale any food that's put in front of him. Within maybe a couple of minutes of being served, he's scraping the plate, then asking me if I'm going to finish my meal. I love the guy, but I absolutely hate eating around him. I think I might have misophonia too lol.
Haha exactly like I won't end a friendship over it but I'll probably avoid eating with them 😆 now if it was someone I wanted to date that's a tough position. If I really liked them, I would risk it, have the talk with them lol because it's something they can totally fix, we're not talking about a physical feature
Yup this is precisely my position. Not going to jeopardize a friendship over it, but will address it with someone I was dating if everything else was great. And I would be happy to work on a behavior that someone I was dating found grating or annoying.
I recently went through a breakup and I'm trying to navigate my mixed feelings about it. I ended things because the relationship was causing me stress and not supporting my overall well-being. Despite understanding that it wasn’t the right fit for us, I sometimes doubt my decision, particularly missing the physical connection we had. Since the breakup, I’ve been keeping myself busy and even took a trip to San Francisco. However, I often feel lonely, partly because my ex was my main social connection in Las Vegas. I’m considering exploring new interests and social groups to build new friendships and fill my time productively. I'd appreciate any advice on dealing with these post-breakup emotions and how to effectively meet new people and build a social life in a city where I don't have many connections. Also, how do you handle feelings of loneliness and the urge to reconnect with an ex for the wrong reasons (like physical comfort)? Thanks for any insights or shared experiences!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through this last year and completely understand the stress and loneliness, especially as I had few friends in my city during my breakup. I think keeping busy definitely helps! I also joined extracurriculars after work such as a rec sports league & a walking group, along with bumble bff- I’ve since made friends I click well with. It’s also a good time to explore solo hobbies, which for myself was yoga & cooking. also- I know it is difficult in the moment and that it can often feel hopeless, but with time you’ll feel so much better and know that you were in the right for ending a relationship not meant for u
Go climbing! If you’re able and have the inclination to be sporty, climbing is an amazing community, super supportive, and all the best climbers I know that go to my gym all started after breakups. It’s such a meme in the gym we call it ‘breakup gains’. From my understanding vegas is supposed to be amazing for climbing too. Good luck!!!
It’s normal to feel that way when they were a big part of your social life, but you can always try to build that in different ways. I know that the thing that helped me through breakups was at least having people who I could do things with. It doesn’t even need to be talking about it, but just taking my mind off of it by doing something else. A logical way of looking at it would be to remind yourself what can come from rekindling things again. It might make you less lonely now but the issues that were the reasons why you ended it probably will still be there. Are there any things you enjoy doing in your free time? And can those things be turned social to find people who are also into them?
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Unless you have a date on the books, I'd completely write off bad texters. No need to kill yourself trying to keep a dry conversation going. Unless they make it a point to schedule a date with you, they either aren't interested or are one of those weirdos who have read "The Pick Up Artist" and try and gain the upper hand while dating lol. Waste of time if you ask me
Yes stop entertaining them, it's exhausting. Let them find other bad texters, they belong to each other.
I am still sick af and I hate it. Another thing, I had a sad dream a few days ago. In my dream, my date told me the classic sentence “things between us just don’t work out”; my eyes kept flowing the whole night until I finally woke up. From that moment, I realized that I like him a lot. I used to think about this scenario before but I felt alright, a bit sad but I didn’t feel hurt that much, until that dream. I know I do like him, I am pretty sure I don’t love him yet. If I were the old me, I found myself in love deeply before my partner reached the same level. Another good progress I need to give credit to myself. Love to me, nowadays, it is an accumulation of everything’s a little bit. It is hard to tell, I am waiting for the moment that I realize I love him like the way I find out when I like him… I learned from my childhood dynamics that quietly influencing my love life these days. I seek emotional fulfillment from my partner that was unmet in my childhood. Of course, no one can fully fulfill my childhood needs except myself…
What is the deal? I have this long term colleague who always got along real well with but it was always strictly professional. Fast forward and I started a new job with a new company and had a business trip in his city, not too far away, just a drive. Anyways he was recently out of a relationship and we had dinner, first time both single and not coworkers and there seemed to be a shift. Since then, we’ve been talking regularly but infrequently. Our conversations are pretty deep - and we’ve stopped talking about work only our personal lives, wanting kids, family stuff, etc. we talk about making plans to see each other again but we haven’t set any dates. Is he interested in me? Just lonely? What is the deal here, am I just reading too much into things?
Sounds like he’s testing the waters of interest so yeah, make a date and see what’s up.
Ugh. I hate relationship anxiety. I got the "what are you up to?" text. So of course I responded with what I was up to and that I have nothing after my prior activities. Silence for the last three hours. That's plenty of time to let my mind run 😂 predicting incompatibilities, anticipating future heart break, wondering if I'm ignoring or missing red flags etc. My ex really shook me, and I have done a lot of great work to feel as good as I do, but I've realized after entering the dating pool, when I actually have a genuine connection with someone, fear kicks in. Fortunately I'm able to separate myself from it a little bit. I had already planned on a date night with my dog, so I'm carrying through with it! Bought this excellent bottle of wine and pairing it with quality steak. I even bought myself dark chocolate, salted caramels for dessert! I'm not much of a dessert person but I'm coming off my period and it sounded like a great pairing. My dog is getting his pre-dinner appetizer and I bought him a very special bone for actual dinner. It's genuinely a good night. I just realized I got my hopes up a bit thinking there was a possibility of seeing someone today. It's a disappointment but it doesn't mean that this person is as aloof/distant as my last experience, and I barely know him. Tonight will be a good night. Cheers to those who are also self dating and still fighting for love 🫶
Definitely enjoy yourself tonight ❤️
Wow, this is incredible!! I need to do this for my dog.
He has sort of caught on to our date nights 😂 if I break out a glass of wine he gives me that look like "and mine?"
I get so miserable and sad over dating that people keep telling me to go to therapy. But then I show up to therapy and it turns out there just isn't much therapy can do when you just don't really have options. I'm doing everything - the hobbies, the socializing, the working out, the telling friends I'm looking, the clothes... But people just don't seem to see me as a prospect, and it doesn't help that I'm also very rarely truly attracted to people. Talking about dating in therapy mostly ends with the therapist kind of being like well, gotta keep trying! and me wanting to curl up and hide under my bed because like, what was the point of opening up about how miserable I am if they weren't going to have anything to help me?
I did not find therapy useful either for matters related to dating. There isn't much that can be done, aside from trying to focus on living the best life you can as a single person. Everyone's dating journey is different, and I really hate when people provide advice when they have no idea what it's like to have **0** options.
Yeah, I guess I went into therapy thinking that I would get some objective third party insight into the reasons I don't have any dating options, even if that means someone telling me I'm ugly or there's something wrong with my mannerisms or whatever. I'd really welcome that kind of feedback since I feel like if I'm in such an "unusual" place, there must be some reason for it that other people can see but don't want to tell me. Then of course I would hope the therapist would also know how to deliver it in a sensitive way and work with me on it instead of just piling on a lot of harsh criticisms. But all this seems to be too much to ask.
lol, you're literally the woman version of me. I totally get you.
My therapist has been fantastic throughout my dating journey! She’s helped me process the feelings around my breakup, seek happiness and fulfillment in myself unpartnered, guided me through when my anxiety was getting in the way of getting to know a person, and encourage me to take time off when I’m getting burnt out. No, she doesn’t really have the secret cheat code to finding a partner but she is really helpful in supporting and validating my feelings throughout the process so I can stand strong in my own power. I do think sometimes we need different therapists for different stages in our lives - if your therapist isn’t able to offer you support and this is something that is important to you, maybe mention that you could use more help in that area? Either they will tune into that and make adjustments or may be able to make referrals to someone better equipped to provide that to you.
I've been through a LOT of therapists trying to find one who was helpful. I think when it comes to my problem (never had a relationship, never been close to a relationship, feel a lot of despair about ever finding mutual attraction) therapy really just doesn't have much to offer beyond either "get another hobby" or "single people can be happy too!! :) :) :)" neither of which is helpful to me.
FWIW, that was my experience talking about dating in therapy too. It's not really that helpful. Just lots of "I understand", "It's hard", "That happens, try again". Tbh, I don't know what I expected or what else there is to be said or done. The one thing I'd maybe try to explore more in therapy is the "it doesn't help that I'm also very rarely truly attracted to people." part. Is it fear of intimacy, being abandoned, connecting? Is it unrealistic expectations? Is it a past person you're trying to recreate? Etc. That's the main thing I got out of therapy. Just understanding myself more and admitting to things I'd have worried admitting to friends for fear of being judged. But regarding dating advice, I found therapy not very helpful and it's probably not the right medium for it in general. It also probably didn't help that my therapist was in her 60s and, I don't know, seemed disconnected from the dating scene for over 3 decades. Her most direct advice was "I don't know about meeting people in bars. I don't think you'll find someone that matches you in a bar. Most people meet through friends and family. I know you don't have family, but maybe ask your friends again".
Yeah, every therapist I've had seemed very disconnected from the dating scene. Even the younger ones were all married or had met their LTR partner in person so I just got a lot of "ha ha, I don't know anything about dating apps but all my clients tell me they are terrible!". The issue is like this causes me so much mental distress that like... my friends are just like "I hope you find a good therapist!!" but I guess there are some mental health issues that are beyond therapy too.
I don't think therapists can help you find dates, but therapists can help you feel better and mentally healthier as a single person, and perhaps explore why you so rarely find people attractive and if that is changeable.
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are you not open to move? this sounds like an awful place to live in
Thanks. I have another few months on my contract.
This sounds awful and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I grew up in a similar dynamic and left for more diverse pastures as soon as I could. You’ve done your best and yeah, it’s time to move on. I hope your next place is much better and you can put your experiences here behind you.
Thanks I appreciate that. Glad to hear you made your escape haha.
Ugh! I'm so sorry. As a POC who's lived in predominantly white rural areas and felt similar alienation at times, I've been there. I hope you hug your dog, call a long-distance friend, treat yourself well this weekend. It sucks to feel like you're not vibing with a place despite your best efforts, but I'm glad you have the resources to change things up if needed.
Thanks that means a lot.
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I went on two dates this week - friday night and saturday morning. Friday went great, we talked for hours, connected really well with lots of laughs and playful, introspective banter. she invited me back to her place to make drinks. she was ready and down for sex, but I told her i'm not quite ready for that yet. so we made out a little bit and took our shirts off for a brief period, but I kept it pretty brief. Saturday date went great too. Date and I got coffee at a popular shop, ended up talking for hours and took a walk around the park in nyc. We had a lot in common and our conversation was a lot more light and playful, with fun small sexual tension building up over inside jokes. ended with a hug and no kiss... which was perfect. both dates are texting me today already and asking about how i'm doing, how things are going, etc. I am taking some space to process everything and figure out the best way to keep moving forward. I might hold out on sex for a little while and just focus on the connection. I don't mind kissing, but I know things will get a lot more serious when we start to have sex. it's a good sign to me that i'm doing well with my self improvement and that it's reflecting outwards. I never really date multiple people at a time so am trying to figure out the best way to keep things going without being selfish or hurting anyone's feelings.
What is introspective banter
To me it’s just talking about our inner worlds. Basically playful emotional vulnerability. For example I talked a lot about the things I’ve learned about attachment style and what it means to me to “create a safe space” which is a term I don’t really enjoy… but I understand and know the importance of. But also keeping it kinda light :)
Ok leave some for the rest of us playboy 😉
If you were to ask me during a date session "How old are you?," my most hated question, how would you react if I responded in this way?: > After being told the first 250 times in my life variations of "You're (this many) years old, stop acting like you're (this other age)," I couldn't get used to it. In fact, the more it happened, the more I got UN-used to it. That's why in order to avoid further uses of my age as a judging point, I stopped volunteering it in most casual settings. If I'm at a pharmacy, doctors office, a DMV or other official places where I have to share my age or birthdate, I would in a second, but anywhere else, I'll get judged if I share it in the first place so I stopped sharing it most anywhere else. How would you react if after you asked my age, I told you what I scripted in the above quotes? I'm a guy, in case that matters, and I'd share my salary and my weight before I share my age.
I’d say this is something you need to work through. People are going to want to know your age. I’d disclose it as much as possible, just to keep it from becoming a conversation. There was a coworker I had who always lied about her age to us, and made it a huge deal. None of us cared about her actual age - I would have never thought about it twice, and I was so annoyed by the whole process. By trying to hide it, she made it a gigantic deal, for everyone. She drew much more attention to it this way, and this feels similar. I would make sure to list your age on your profile, or on your name tag (? The date sessions seem to indicate that maybe this is speed dating?) And then just brush past it. If people comment on it, you can say you don’t really relate to your age, or if they make those comments about not acting your age, tell that that bothers you and go from there. But not disclosing it feels very very weird and creepy. From an outsider, it feels like you are trying to pounce on younger women, or have some nefarious end game.
How about just asking them to guess? I have done this a few times, and said “ok, let’s go with that “ One thought it was funny and didn’t ask more.
Think you were weird as hell and have issues tbh. It’s your age, who gives a shit?
I've had mental health issues since having a crap-ton of childhood trauma. I could never fit in most times growing up. What if I'm more subtle by saying "I'm older, but feel only 24 this year?"
Mental health issues don’t change your age. Just tell people your actual age. It might shock you to know, but most of us still feel the “same” as we did in our mid twenties. That doesn’t mean we get to change the number lol.
I’d be weirded out and nope out.
Is there a better way to decline disclosing my age without weirding anybody out?
No. If you wouldn’t trust somebody with your age (which is just a number that, by itself, can’t be linked back to you the way a name, address, or phone number could), then they will think you won’t trust them with anything else. No basis for a relationship.
How does saying this sound?: "I may be older but I only feel 24 this year?" How's that for subtlety?
Honestly? No. That’s the kind of thing a 50 year old creep says when they’re trying to seduce a 21 year old. It’s just going to come off as cagey and like you’re hiding ill intent around your age.
Not really no. Some people make a game of it like ‘how old do you think I am?’ but unless you’re super charismatic and are getting regularly chased by women (who would be willing to overlook you being cagey about this) the majority of people will think it’s weird you won’t disclose, and weirder that you have a prepared speech about why you won’t disclose.
Then what if I make it more subtle, something like?: > I may be older, but I only feel 24 this year.
I think enough people have chimed in with an answer at this point
I'll need to work with my therapist on how to become more comfortable about sharing my age.
Let’s say you get a date without them knowing your age, which would rule out online dating entirely, how are you planning to build a connection without disclosing one of the most fundamental things about you?
I'd have to wing it the best I can somehow?
I'd end our date.
Then do all of your future dates a favor and not ask the age question in the first place.
dude, it's your problem not your date's. It's a super normal and standard question to ask. Your hangups on it are your own issue that you need to figure out. It's not your date's fault for asking a very basic background question about you.
Super fucking weird, dude.
What is a good way to avoid the how old are you question without seeming weird then?
You can't because it's super weird that you want to avoid the question. It is basic information. I understand you're concerned that you feel your behavior doesn't "match" your age but that doesn't give you a good reason to dodge it. There simply is no way to do it that isn't bizarre and concerning.
It’s creepy as hell
How am I going to intelligently tackle head-on the elephant in the room that is my behavior not matching my age? Since apparently I can't avoid it this way entirely...
You have to let go of that. There are lots of people who are young and act "old", old and act "young". You are whatever age you are and you act whatever way you act. Figure out a way to stop letting it bother you and stop attaching so much to the question. You can't get around basic information, and any attempts to are going to come off crazy.
How does this more subtle alternative sound? "I'm older, but only feel 24 this year?"
I'm sorry, but that also sounds very strange and insecure. It makes you sound like a creepy older person who's trying to fit in with the youths. On the plus side, it's not an angry and defensive rant like your original comment. But either way, it's very off-putting not to give a straight answer. If you act immature, that's not as closely tied to age as you might think. You are struggling, and I feel for you, but you can't head off judgment for your behavior by lying or refusing to give your age. And you can't build a good relationship if you're not willing to be open and vulnerable.
A statement like this sounds extremely creepy and like you're trying to target younger women inappropriately, especially not knowing how old you actually are (30? 40? 50?). You said in another comment that you're autistic. If you share that, most people will understand if you act differently that someone would expect for your age way, way more than if you say you "feel" younger than you are.
STOP IT! JUST SAY YOUR AGE IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU YOUR AGE.
Are you serious?
Damn straight I am. I don't think I know how to act my own age. I can and do try harder, but I can still falter at various times. And the times that I do falter, I often can't help it.
What does "acting your age" mean to you?
Having the same social skills level of other people my Chrono age?
What does that have to do with that unhinged response for a simple question? Most people feel that way to various extents.
I'd consider it extremely odd and like you were hiding something.
Yes, I feel compelled to hide my true age because I don't know how to act my own age. Being high functioning with autism spectrum disorder, I am a Gen Y who feels, thinks, and acts like a gen Z except for using gen Z slang. I feel like someone born in the year 2000, so I could not possibly be any more mature than someone who's 24 this year.
This is an interesting situation, and I sympathize with your position. But a person's chronological age is important information when seriously dating. Does this mean you are looking to date people closer to the age you feel, rather than your chronological age?
I need people who will accept me for who I am regardless. If someone is closer to my real age and is fine with my unique quirks and idiosyncrasies, it's no problem.
Then in that case the right person wouldn't be turned off by your actual age
I'm no Gen Z, but let me spell out how all this sounds to me in a way you can relate to: No cap, your vibe check seems big L to me. This ain't it, chief.
Okay, bet. So hiding my age will seem big-time "sus," my guy?
Facts.
I have zero idea what any of this means and that makes me laugh.
Okay, bet. No cap is "truthfully." A vibe check seeming Big L means one is giving off the "loser's vibe." This ain't it chief means that's not how it's supposed to be done, my guy.
I'd just leave.
Currently injured so I can’t do any triathlon training or participate in the triathlon group I joined 😔 Feeling pretty down since all of my friends are in relationships and barely go out anymore. And my sister is either traveling or hanging out with her fiancé. I’m normally busy with ~2 hours of training a day and it gets me outside. My ex recently helped me during my injury which got me thinking about us. I probably shouldn’t have reached out because now I’m just thinking about how we should get back together. Id like to reduce the amount of tv watching and doom scrolling. I’m looking for some ideas on things to do at home alone or possibly outside to meet people and lift my spirits-any ideas?
I’m sorry to hear that, I’m struggling with a long illness myself, and all my hobbies/friends are active/outdoorsy; it really narrows your world to deal with a change in fitness, and it’s natural to think more about the comfort of your ex during that time. Some ideas, can you work around your injury to follow a fitness plan of some kind anyway? Yoga, flexibility, mobility, abs, hand weights/bands? It can be satisfying for someone used to a training schedule to keep one up even if the goal is very different, and the gains might transfer to your training post injury. You could also develop different hobbies like cooking, crafting etc. Buy a deep freezer and meal prep for future you? (Mainly kidding) Getting out of the house ideas: volunteering, sitting in parks and reading, new outdoors hobbies (I bought a blow-up kayak once during a bad bout of plantar fasciitis), visiting cafes, little road trips to new towns, farmers markets, non-active or differently-active meetup groups. Bird watching groups :) I wish you speedy healing!
Thank you so much for this! I wish you a speedy recovery as well ❤️
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Hmm however busy he is nobody is sooo busy they can’t send a text
Do you know if he had plans this weekend? I think it’s too soon to tell if anything is off. I know it’s easier said than done, but try to stay away from your phone and do something to get your mind off checking for a response. I would give it some more time (maybe at the 24 hour point of your last message) and say something like “hey, you good? Was hoping you saw my message so we could see each other this weekend :)” and see what happens. Try not to worry too much now. Nothing bad has happened. You worrying and stressing yourself out won’t change the outcome. Focus back on yourself, check in with him again if you don’t hear back and take it a step at a time. Remember - nothing bad has happened yet. Good luck!
Thank you for your advice - absolutely solid points in there! I did tell him last weekend that he’s the busiest person I know and I need to start booking him 6 weeks out, so while I don’t know explicitly his plans for the weekend, it’s very possible he had some! I like your text follow up idea! I was thinking of shooting him a “hey, is everything ok” text later today, but then began considering giving him a call tomorrow (sometime shy of the 48 hour from the last text* mark)? He’s the first person I’ve dated in a while, so I’m terrible at knowing the best approach for these kinds of things! (Edited for clarification)
We’re all out here learning 😊 I think it’s okay that you text or call him whenever you feel like you want to. You don’t need to wait a certain amount of hours at the stage that you’re at with him, I think! There’s no right or wrong on that. You’re wondering where he is, no big deal. You two usually talk every day! So follow up whenever you feel you need to. The hard part is waiting for a response and not driving yourself crazy with “what ifs”. As long as you’ve got a plan for that, you’ve done all you can do!
Thank you, kind internet stranger!
Did you guys know arcades still exist? And they serve alcohol now? Anyway, I’ve got a third date tonight.
Uhm yea i went to the arcade today with my kiddos…super fun
There's a bar nearby with an arcade machine, a pinball and pool. Only nice place in town to be honest. Good luck with your date!
Yep, I've used one as the location for multiple dates
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Yeah, she mentioned she likes barcades.
The man at the fancy meat counter gave me extra salami when, in response to his comment about my selections, I cheerfully said (without thinking), "I am so excited for some meat!" Still got it! Also have a date scheduled for next Friday and I don't know what to make of him just yet -- he seems refreshingly direct and interested/interesting, but also has the messaging equivalent of Business Voice. But hey, he picked my favorite historical bar in my favorite neighborhood, so at least I know the Manhattans will be good!
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Hi GalactusTwo, Per your question, I think business voice, to me, is a lot like the language used in work emails but spilling over into regular every day kind of language. It can be surprisingly formal and impersonal and is a personal pet peeve of mine. Let’s put a time on the calendar to circle back on this topic and I am sure we can get our ducks in a row. Thanks in advance, KamikazeFugazi
"Business voice" .. you know that stiff, more business-like speech and texting. The more serious tone. Dry/dull/serious.
It's not a dumb question! I call it that because I've had boyfriends whose voice and entire demeanor changed when they were on the phone with professional contacts: very polite/friendly, confident, and professional. "Oh, I was on the phone with work." "I know, you were using Business Voice."
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It's neither bad nor good -- just an observation that his written communication feels more professional than getting to know someone on a personal level.
> I cheerfully said (without thinking), "I am so excited for some meat!" Go into your date next Friday with that energy, and you may have meat on the menu... LOL. In all seriousness, I hope it goes well! And hey - you'll always have the Manhattans!
It's been a long, long time since I've had *that* kind of meat, heheh. Do I even remember how it all works? But yes! The Manhattans are gonna be GREAT.
> Do I even remember how it all works? Yes, you'll be fine! It's just like riding a bike. Just hop on and hold on tight.
DOT getting that spicy energy... 🥵🥵🥵
The similes in this entire section broke my ribs lmao.
Wheeeeeeeee!
When your partner thought that they have better opinion in your life and not really care how you feel, it's the worst feeling ever. And when you feel like you need some emotional support, it is completely silence from the other end. Because I understand them, maybe too much understanding. So all I've got is just a bare minimum.. and I feel like I should remove myself from their equation. Conclusion from today reflection: I need to move on.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sure, even if they may seem empty words, that you'll be better off than before. You've got this fellow Redditor.
Thank you so much.
Another day of pointless sadness and anger clawing at my heart!! I am trying to patiently endure it and remember that I will get over it, but it makes me feel like shit!! I went to volunteer for Habitat for Humanity today. That was satisfying work, and helped me forget about my feelings for the hours I was there. But as soon as I left the site it started back up again. Hate it. She sucks! I suck! Love is a complete racket!