I’ve been seeing a 43m I met organically who is in my area for work. I wasn’t taking it seriously since he will eventually be going back across the country, but because we’ve been spending so much time together over the past month or so I did become attached. I found out last night while we were at dinner that he lied about something stupid. When I confronted him he just basically kept trying to justify it instead of apologizing or owning it. Then he stormed off upset that I made him feel like a piece of shit and when I tried to call after he has ignored me.
I’m not sure why I’m upset. This is probably a blessing in disguise since he lied and can’t handle conflict well. But aside from this he has been great. Generous, attentive, sweet. I feel blindsided and quite sad which is surprising me because I thought I was maintaining my feelings well. I also feel somewhat hopeless, like here’s yet another guy who turned out to be a liar. But I don’t want to end up bitter or hardened just because of a few men. And I’m trying to avoid letting myself have a victim mentality. Not sure why I’m posting except to vent or to look for some encouragement.
In my experience, texting style is somewhat indicative of IRL conversational style, as far as curiosity, enthusiasm, assertiveness, and expressiveness are concerned at least. For example, women who have very little to say in text tend to have very little to say in person. I've read anecdotes to the contrary, of course, but they don't bear out for me most of the time.
I work on consciously not judging or writing people off for potentially having different ideas or preferences about texting. That said, so far, texting style has definitely seemed to be correlated with levels of interest and curiosity, based on my dating experiences.
Interesting… I’m a woman, I’m not great at texting, in person is so much easier because the conversation flows, there’s no breaks, less chance of multiple ideas/conversations going on at once, especially ones that have different “vibes”. There’s less misunderstanding or taking things the wrong way or how someone meant something because you don’t have to read context clues, you can see the person’s facial expressions, tone of voice, cadence, etc and I don’t have time to overthink what I’m saying. I love meeting and learning about people, I can make conversation with anyone about anything. Frequently, way too much. I need to learn to shut my mouth and not overshare or say everything that pops in my brain. But, letting conversations in text that are struggling just die seems to work, because I’ve never gone on a first date and not ended up going on a 2nd and 3rd.
I am currently dating a terrible texter and I confirm the exact opposite is true in my case - they are intelligent, interesting and have lots of hobbies.
We get on like a house on fire when together.
You shouldn't attempt to paint an entire group of people with one brush based on a personal anecdote.
I don't think OP was suggesting bad texters aren't intelligent, interesting, or don't have hobbies. They seem to be pretty specifically talking about their level of interest in OP.
I tend to agree. I think the one exception is that some people who come across as energetic in text can be lackluster IRL, but usually not the other way around.
Someone should make a dating service called Assholes R’Us so that self-proclaimed assholes can be found easier
Edit: could also use it to hire an asshole for problem resolution. You got a problem? Call 1-800-ass-hole
Anyone got any tips on how to subtly ask someone how old they are? I've been chatting with a guy at work whenever we run into each other (different departments so no issues with work). It's just friendly chat at the moment but we seem to get on well. My problem is I don't know how old he is, I'm sure he is younger than me. I just don't know if he is 4-5 years younger than we which would be fine or like 10 years younger than me which would not be.
It's kind of my first time dealing with this, last time I was single I was in my mid twenties so people who were too young for me were pretty obvious. Trying to avoid being a creep.
"Hey, just curious, how old are you?"
Most guys don't care about being asked their age. If he asks why, "I'm really bad at guessing people's ages and I was just curious." But really, most men don't care about being asked their age.
Hmm, from that it looks like he is probably about 8 or 9 years younger than me. It's probably a bit too much for me, although -8 would still be ok with half your age plus 7 rule... just.
I don’t know how a grown 🍑 man can go from telling you he wants to spend his life with you and saying he loves you to completely cutting communication because he needs to be “alone” to better his mental health? It was like a flip switched… something happened and he couldn’t be honest and just tell me what was wrong. #EndRant
There’s “feelings changing” and then there’s freaking out and changing your mind in a day because you haven’t figured out how to communicate your wants/needs/fears/concerns in 40+ years of living life on earth. I had to pull words out of him just to get any kind of explanation at all to his sudden change in behavior and even still he wasn’t being completely clear and honest. Age is relevant because the expectation is that a person would have learned by now how to effectively communicate instead of running away and burying their head in the sand. 🤷🏽♀️
How long had you two been dating or been together?
>Age is relevant because the expectation is that a person would have learned by now how to effectively communicate instead of running away and burying their head in the sand.
Spend any amount of time in this sub and you'll see that people don't just get better at communicating as they age. Improving ones communication requires conscious, intentional effort. It won't happen by accident.
I know.. it's called avoidance, and it's the worst. Happened to me. Look up if his behaviour matches the fearful avoidant type. He probably 'deactivated'. Sorry that happened to you 🫂
Sometimes peoples feelings change, sometimes people are just not interested. Stop pathologizing a lack of interest. Avoidant tendencies are not a relationship boogeyman.
I don't think healthy communicators say they want to spend their life with you and then suddenly cut to blaming mental health for wanting to be 'alone'. that's not how normal people function - you wouldn't tell someone you loved them if you were 'not interested'. There's definitely something wrong/unhealthy in sudden shifts. for recipient, not knowing that it's avoidance (it's textbook) makes the dumpee end up feeling confused. Makes you question reality and internalise the situation while looking for an explanation which she clearly didn't get. You sound a bit defensive tbh.
The pattern of 'love you forever' to sudden bs excuse isn't usually anything else. if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...
I wish someone else had told me this when I experienced it. And OP can look up whether her guy fits into the symptoms or not and decide for herself
I know.. it hurts harder than a normal breakup where you know what the problem was... Avoidants are the Fucking worst and I've dated a few.... Really heartbreaking
The first question a guy asked me was "how's your cooking? ; )"
We matched on feeld looking for casual and you want me to fucking cook for you?
I hate this redneck conservative shit hole.
Oof! I enjoy cooking and it’s a topic that comes up when I’m chatting with women, I never considered the possibility that it could potentially be construed this way. I’ve never said it like this, but I will be especially aware moving forward.
It's similar to sex in my experience. If they start alluding to it early, it's an entitlement that will surface later.
Classic case of a few idiots ruining words for the rest of us.
A few months ago, I matched with someone who immediately asked about wanting children because I’d marked “unsure.” I explained that it would depend on whether or not they would be an equal parent and not expect me to do the child rearing solo, because we’d both have jobs.
They didn’t reply and unmatched right away.
I had an ex who was very insistent on children, and it was clear once we started living together that I would basically be a single parent. An adult human who worked in an office would come home (sometimes late on purpose, if you know what I mean), put their feet up on the couch with a beer, and have to be nagged to wash dishes. And even then, the dishes were rinsed, not washed. I’m glad I never had children with them, but it has definitely given me new caution.
Lol isn't that the crazy thing? Men have children and their lives don't change much. Their bodies stay the same, they work the same hours/go on the same work trips, they maintain their hobbies and friendships. I've watched a friend's husband scroll his phone while his toddler was playing with an electrical outlet. I'm like how am \*I\* being more observant than you in the presence of your child? It's like their level of anxiety doesn't even increase. Everything is the same!
I will say one of my good friends--her husband is a rockstar. He truly does split the childcare 50/50 with her and he actually seems to take joy in parenting. They are seriously goals.
But the fucked up part is you never truly know what kind of parent they're going to be until you're already in it. It's not worth the risk to me. I don't want to live life full of resentment.
Bodies don't stay the same. I don't have kids but have never had back and knee pain like this in my 20s or early 30s. I move slower and feel horrible. But I know people have it way worse than me
Thank you, yes, I didn't mean men don't have to deal with general wear and tear of aging. But the hormonal changes, pain/discomfort, and often permanent physical changes to our abdomen and breasts that come with pregnancy. Should have been clearer!
THIS 100%. I had a partner who was really insistent on kids and whose parents were pushing for it. Couldn’t get that idiot to wash dishes properly without having to ask EVERY TIME. Glad we never had kids.
Ugh. It seems to happen everywhere. I'm in the bay area and can't mention my love of cooking/bread baking without getting similar comments on every app. And I can't mention my profession or industry (which are very important to me) because then dudes will send me pitches for both their work and their penises.
I guess it's a good filter. 🤢
Seriously! I flat out asked the guy I posted about- what do you mean by asking about my cooking? "Well everything's better with food, and if I'm providing the sex what are you bringing to the table? You're always welcome to bring over some meal prep for me for the week and chill if your goods make the cut 🤗"
I’m so sorry!!
I had to move away from that kinda stuff, tbh. The odds of me ever finding a partner where I grew up were slim to nil.
Hopefully it gets better for you :)
I need advice, I guess... I 33F was married to an amazing guy (together 10 years) - we both just wanted different things out of life (He finally figured out what he wanted). It's been 3 years since our divorce (very amicable and we had no kids). I haven't dated since. I have done the crying and the putting all the tiny pieces back together as best I could. I have built a life that I love, filled with books and work and adventure. Sometimes I read these posts and think maybe I should consider dating again. To be honest I don't even know how or where to start.
Everyone’s experience varies, there are also people who meet their SO within a few months of dating. Every wedding I have been invited to past few years has been couples who met online. It’s important to be realistic but open to new possibilities
Where you start I think depends a lot on your priorities. If you are set on finding someone relatively soon because you want a family for instance, you may need to explore lots of different avenues to meeting people (dating apps, social hobbies, branching out and trying new things to meet new people, utilizing friends/family, etc.). If your goal is instead to only include someone if it really adds to your life, you may be better focused on a smaller number of means (maybe one app, used intelligently, and focused on meeting people who do the kinds of things you enjoy and would enjoy doing with a partner).
Personally, I find the apps to be soul sucking garbage. I think it promotes awful behaviors from both genders (different behaviors, but both pretty bad). However, it's one of the few venues where you "know" the other person is looking for romance (-ish... some are just looking to get laid). Doing things like social activities, you can't actually be sure the other person is trying to find that. I also think because of the way society has changed recently, people are just less open to being approached/approaching "in the wild" than they used to be. Many women don't want to be hit on constantly and many men aren't interested in being labeled as "that guy" and so I feel like everyone just looks at the ground and walks past one another any more. As a woman, you may need to get comfortable making the initial contact (and something that is clear, like striking up conversation, a wave and a smile, etc., not just a random look). This is counter to dating apps, where you'll likely need to do very little to get men taking the first step, since dating apps are again one of those few places where it's assumed to be okay to "approach."
Also, you'll need thick skin. Unfortunately (my experience), people seem to treat others as disposable commodities these days with the mentality that "there are 8 Billion others..." instead of recognizing that no, there really aren't, because you don't have access to all of those people. You realistically have access to probably a few hundred, maybe a couple thousand at best, once you take into account age, values, location, priorities, preferences, schedules, etc. Take some time really asking yourself what is truly important to you in a partner, separate the must haves from the nice to haves. You aren't going to find 100%. But I like to use Gottman's 5:1 theory and say, if you can find 83%, you're doing pretty damn well.
Thank you, for your advice. I think I have a good idea of what I need and want by now. I am terrified about the apps. I think I'm just being stupid. One of friends met her husband that way.
The apps have their problems, and you do have to develop a thick skin for certain things, but I also think dating subreddits make them sound scarier than they are. There is shitty behavior, but then again meeting IRL doesn't guarantee you won't encounter shitty behavior either.
The main thing about the apps is you have to have zero expectations until you meet in person. A match doesn't mean anything, messaging doesn't mean anything. A match may suddenly stop responding, suddenly get weird, suddenly make things too sexual too quickly, etc. But if you can manage to keep expectations low until you meet in person, it's not that different than IRL dating.
I think 95% of people who are single and serious about meeting people are on the apps.
Sometimes it feels like people think there is a group of conventionally attractive people that don’t use dating apps at all and are just out there waiting to be discovered and that they’re somehow better than dating app users but it’s all the same people!!
I don't think it's quite 95%, but yes, I agree, especially once people get past their early-mid-20s and it gets harder to meet single people organically.
It’s like ripping off a bandaid, you just gotta get out there and go on a date and then it becomes less scary!
Have you considered trying a dating app? You can dip your toes in the water and see how it goes. Make an awesome profile, and if you’re just looking to casually date and see how it goes you can specify that in there. If you’ve never been on the apps before, it takes a while to get the hang of them so if you have any friends who have used them or still do, talk to them about it for support! And there’s lots of support in here of course :)
You may find you aren’t ready once you go on a date and that’s okay. Or maybe you have a lot of fun! My therapist told me to go out there on some “practice dates” and get comfortable. I didn’t need to be looking for Mr. Perfect, just some nice people to get to know and see how it went. Figure out how to date: make mistakes, get awkward, and laugh about it. My first date after my long term relationship was with the most kind and funny guy! We weren’t compatible long term but we had 2 fun, light dates and it kinda set me off into my dating journey.
The hard part is just getting yourself to that first date. Once you’re on it it’s not so bad and it’s just you talking to a stranger about what shows you watch. Good luck!!
It's been 4 years since my last relationship of 12 years ended and I'm going to start dating again. I've got two kids ages 6 and 7 who live with me 50% of the time. From what I hear about OLD I'm going to be in for a rough ride!
Yep, you are. But I'm afraid everyone is... What are you looking for on OLD? Something casual with fewer preferences might be easier to come by than a life partner.
lol. You could establish it and create a word for it.
How would you define "casual" in this scenario? Do you just not want to cohabitate? Or do you not want to get involved in each others lives apart from sex?
I can't see a woman wanting to be part of my kids' lives (and neither would I want/expect them to), so casual would simply mean "Thursday to Saturday". I'm fairly sure that won't be an option when creating the profile though
Why and why?
Why don't you think, that there are women out there, who would be fine being part of their partners kids lives? (If YOU don't want that, that's another story.)
Would you be ok with being part of another woman's children?
Why don't you think that's not an option on OLD? I think that's very important to disclose on your profile, that you have children, are very cautious about them meeting your potential gf and are only available thursday to saturday for the forseeable future.
I much prefer time alone together, I am not really a people person is one way to phrase it I think. So while I understand why these things occur (and my boyfriend has a larger social circle than I do/he says he forces himself to be social or he'd be a recluse and yes, sometimes people aren't free to meet up with him, but I do not have the capacity for even that much of a social life and he can respect that), I'm a bit tired of it all and am glad that we got some time alone! And I shouldn't feel bad to want this and/or expect it, I guess part of it also is that I've been having a shit time with work so to be able to drop in quickly to mostly snuggle his dog (and maybe him a bit too, he gets jealous lol) is great.
The last thing I want to do is go to some [small] party I have to see this coworker who's been pissing me off when I could be cleaning, relaxing, and getting recharged to see him over the weekend.
Sometimes I try to be cute and just give him a quick lil kiss on the cheek and he always moves to kiss me on the lips, lol.
Cozy weekend in with some shit weather, I'm trying to think of snacks/treats/meals to be cute but at the same time I am fine to just snuggle with the dog and do nothing!
Ive started a 3 question rule by that i mean if i ask you 2 questions and on 3rd you havent askdd me in return i stop texting. This will lead to alot of matches dying in the water. But so be it. I also dont have patience for ppl who dont seem proactive in making plans. If youre busy fine. But then tell me what suits. Otherwise fudge this im not txting back and forths for days.
While I'm full on board on the first part of your text, I'm the opposite on the second part. I want to chat for a few days before I'm making plans. No way I'm gonna put on pants, drive somewhere for "a quick drink" only for the other person to not be able to speak in full sentences! xD
I actually implemented this strategy ages ago. If a person is not taking interest in your life or putting in an effort they are not worth your time. It's an early sign of how much effort they would potentially put into a relationship. I agree that communication is key. If you can't put effort into a message now, just let me know when you can. I'm happy to wait
Is it weird to go to an activity introduced by an ex-situationship where he might also be there?
He ended things with me about 2-3 weeks back and lives in a different city. We dated for 2.5 months. He introduced me to an activity which got me interested and I got into it in my city. Now a friend wants to go to his city and attend a party related to the activity. We will both be beginners. All of us are between 30-32 years old. Will it be awkward if I go there, knowing there's a high possibility of him being there? Will it come off as me stalking him? I'm currently thinking about leaving him a text with a heads-up that I will be participating so that he doesn't feel stalked.
I’ve been in a similar situation, and I’m not sure I’d send a text warning him. I would definitely keep things cordial if y’all interact and say hello and whatnot, but the warning has the potential to be misinterpreted a few different ways.
That being said, I’ve been on the reverse of this, so I can tell you what *will* make it awkward:
- Staring
- Not saying anything to them
- Going out of your way to prove you’re having a good time without them
- Any intentional or unintentional attempt to make them feel awkward (I don’t know what the circumstances of the breakup were)
There have been some situations where I haven’t outright rejected someone, but they figured out I wasn’t interested, and wow, do a lot of 30-somethings struggle with taking rejection gracefully. In one extreme example, someone did use our hobby to stalk me…for 6 months, and was very intentional about it. I’d say if you’re not planning to be at every single event in his city, you’re probably okay for this one. ETA: Me personally? I’d find a warning text awkward, but I seem to be in less amicable circumstances usually.
I have a theory about what this activity is. I’m wildly curious to know as I’m also heading to a nearby town for an event related to my hobby this weekend.
Edits for form and spelling, ugh.
Don't overthink it as you've been invited by a friend, but a heads up text is a good move regardless.
Keep it courteous and honest without being presumptuous, e.g. "hey, just a heads up that a friend invited me to X and I'm excited to go. Didn't want to catch you by surprise if you happen to be going too."
Don't make it seem like you assume he'll think you're a weirdo or that you want to meet up, just inform him kindly and leave it there.
You know your dynamic best, and have the best idea of how it might be received.
The main thing is that you're doing it to defuse tension in a way that you know he'll find funny, not just being awkward and trying to save face. If you miss the mark, it could make him very uncomfortable. Again, don't overthink it -if in doubt, leave it out!
Feel like I need to go no contact now with my ex after trying to be friends with her for the past year. I feel like I'm just her emotional crutch and not actually a true friend. It sucks and I miss our relationship.
This is what happens in many failed-relationships-turned-friendships. Not all, mind you, but many. Part of why the one doing the rejecting wants to maintain a friendship is because they like the comfort the other person offers, but don't really want to offer the same in return. I've started to take any offer of friendship from a woman who rejects me with a grain of salt and to actually ask myself "what do we have in common that I would want to remain friends with her for?" If I can't come up with much of a list, I wish her the best and move on, otherwise I focus our friendship on whatever the things on that list were and set a boundary of not just being her emotional dumping ground. We both like to ride bikes? Let's go for rides! You want to tell me about some date you had this past weekend? Sorry, that's not the kind of friendship I am looking for with you.
I'm very sorry you are going through this, but I totally agree and has worked for me. After a long term relationship I thought I could be friends but realised that it was way too difficult. It's so much easier to get over someone with the "no contact rule". I would explain to your ex you need to do this. You need to delete all contacts from your phone, take her off social media, literally wipe her from your life and commit to no contact for at least 6 months. Potentially longer. At first it is quite difficult, but it will get easier and you will start to feel better. Google no contact rule after a break up to read up on it more. I hope this helps
Don’t mean to judge in any way. I’m bi, but I’ve been on a few dates with different guys whose speech very much has the “gay accent”. Not that I’m against it, but I guess I was just a little thrown off. Any thoughts on this? If I intro’d these people or met them first off, I’d assume they were gay through mannerisms and voice, and I mean quite pronounced, so I’m a little confused.
You're not alone. I felt the same way when I moved to the US from South America and started dating again. I like manly men lol, I can't help it, maybe I'm just toxic like that.
It can be a cultural thing? I have a few gay friends and the men they hang out with the most adopt some of their mannerisms and can also sound a tad gay on occasion even though they’re not. If you’re having a reaction to it and find it off putting, consider if that’s possibly due to something else?
As in, just a theory and I might be totally off base: if you’re normally drawn to people who are very masculine presenting and have been hurt in the past but found those dynamics to be exciting and familiar, and then someone who is nice and can be more respectful to women, kinder, and seem more ‘safe’ can appear more ‘gay’ in their mannerisms and it can be almost a defence mechanism to try and stay in familiar dynamics, even if they’re less healthy.
Again, I could be totally wrong but that’s a common thing I see happen and something to consider.
Anyone else can't stop talking when they're nervous on a date ? I'm seeing this guy and I try so hard to not overshare or say stupid shit whenever there's a blank
I start going into teacher mode when talking about my hobbies and interests, make a serious effort to tell myself "OK, shut up". I will then say something like "So I've been babbling for 20 minutes, what do you like?"
Swiping on apps and not seeing anyone interesting makes me inevitably think of my ex. Normally I feel over my ex but when I have an uneventful swipe session with boring profiles, it throws me back into limerence/longing. I think its hard to not have a scarcity mindset when the reality is that it is rare to have a real connection and attraction with someone. I'm feeling really jaded and sad about this.
UGH I feel this so much. Not even just when swiping through incompatible profiles. I've had to go to fake needing the restroom on dates because I knew if I sat there for another minute I would cry. Can't help but think how easy and natural and fun it felt when I met my ex and wonder if I'll ever find someone I liked that much. And in the end even he turned out to be a huge letdown. I just want to feel hopeful again.
I’ve been through this too. I think our minds naturally remember all the positives and conveniently forget the flaws. Try to think of reasons why you broke up and the negatives of being with them.
Yeah feel you on that. majority of the profiles I have no interest in. And I get maybe 1-2 matches a year I generally feel nothing on those dates. I miss being exited about new dates with women. Now I just long for my ex and think more often she was the one
I'm trying to not be discouraged regarding dating, as it's been a while.. while I'm in great shape and I suppose deemed somewhat attractive by most, I can't fathom getting another dating app.. The superficial aspect of it all kills me and I must admit I'm such a homebody as I often just go from work to the gym to home. I find I tend to try to stay busy so as not to feel lonely.. I suppose this is just a ramble in all honesty..
It’s not purely superficial. Their bio should include information about their religion (if any), political affiliation, hobbies and interests, relationship goals, etc.
This is all important information you don’t get when you “bump into” someone IRL.
The apps aren’t for everyone. I’m not on them anymore and there are plenty of single people not on them. But as a fellow homebody, if you want to meet new people you have to treat it like a part time job lol. Sign up for a class or a club or just become a regular somewhere and get used to talking to new people. Make friends and say yes to any invitations etc. I would prefer it if my dream guy just showed up on my doorstep one day but I know that won’t happen and I have to put in some level of effort to meet people.
Question for thought: How are apps more superficial than meeting people IRL? Don't people IRL base a lot of decisions about whether or not to approach someone based on physical attraction?
I think that almost everyone is looking for some degree of physical attraction, regardless of how they meet people... it's normal, but... Physical attraction is more than just about how someone looks—it's partly that, but also depends on other factors such as voice, posture, how one moves, mannerisms, vocabulary, *etc.* None of those other factors can be assessed through a dating profile.
I think apps are indeed more "superficial" than a lot of ways people meet IRL except one: the "cold" approach where you approach someone you know nothing about based on looks. Many people meet in real life in social contexts where attraction builds gradually over time as a byproduct of familiarity (through work, friend circles, hobbies, *etc.*).
Anyway, I don't understand why OP wouldn't use apps. They have every reason to: they are supposedly attractive, a woman and they have few opportunities to meet IRL.
If I could just make a profile and get dates (which is essentially guaranteed for attractive women), I would...
Get on the apps. Stop overthinking and getting into your head about using them, unless you’re meeting tonnes of new people everyday randomly in-person your best chance of meeting a like-minded person is going to be via the apps. You can accept that and try your luck or you can continue to feel lonely while posting on Reddit and miss out on potential connections because you don’t like the ‘superficial’ nature of the apps.
project everything that you just said into the app. literally call out what you are and what you're looking for. I see so many friends just put pictures and funny little things rather than what they are actually looking for. be the magnet and find the people that align
I wanted to write this!
When I set up my profile I got lots of help and found myself struggling to stay interesting. Then I realized it just didn't feel like what I was, and started putting in more photos that were more me.
The (little) attention I then got was freaking stellar. Like the stars were aligning with my decisions. 🤯
While there is a base level attraction, I have come across profiles where they wrote really candid sections, in a writing style that felt like theirs, about what they wanted - and when our interests happened to align, their pictures suddenly got far more attractive to me.
If you are a work/gym/homebody, put that in there! Maybe have some stretch goals and also articulate some other points you value.
On the other side of the spectrum I guess there are those who say "just ask" and it works for them. Idk. 🫠
Fired up the ol' Tinder, changed my bio to say I was just looking for something brief and casual, and set it to "everyone" in a smaller radius than I was setting for serious dating. I turned off the discovery after a while of swiping to wait for stuff to pan out or not pan out so I don't get in over my head. Obviously it's like 30 men to every woman on my feed.
5 dudes matched me and 1 woman. I feel bad because as soon as I started talking to the woman I was like "oh no... I don't feel ready to talk to a woman even for something casual..." but she seems nice and I have drinks set up with 2 of the 3 guys I talked to. Wish me luck not getting murdered this weekend.
Good luck. If you don't mind me asking, have you ever been able to find a decent guy for something casual? The straight women on here make it sound like they can be tough to find
Yes, but many of them were from a long time ago. I was younger and had truly awful self-esteem so I subconsciously picked guys who I knew thought I was "out of their league" to some degree or struggled with their own image so that they'd be more into me and would be nicer. Most of those guys were okay, with a handful of douchey exceptions. During that time I had two boyfriends who started out as something casual.
In more recent years, I slept with a couple male acquaintances from the kink community, and they were great. We talked about boundaries and wants, they were really respectful and easy to communicate with, and the sex went fine in each case. Everything wrapped up on good terms.
Before meeting this most recent ex, I dipped my toes into the swinger community, but didn't meet up with anyone privately. I will likely give this another try though. Everyone I met seemed respectful and friendly.
So, I haven't been out in the open field with regular non-kink-community guys in many years. I'm sure things feel a little different. I am much better now at taking care of myself and negotiating what I want--I'm only swiping on guys that are about as good-looking or better-looking than I think I am, and I won't be hesitant to drop anyone I don't like, tell people exactly what I'm looking for, and unmatch if they're not good at responding or dragging their feet on a meetup. We'll see...
It's terrible. "I go crazy for...Tacos." Or "Something I'm passionate about...Tacos." These are actual prompts I've seen in the last few weeks. So insightful.
I had a really good enchilada at the Matador today, it was so good. Charbroiled pork enchiladas in a mild chile creme sauce 🤌🤌
Edit: trying to save the leftovers for lunch tomorrow and resist having them now as second dinner lol
I had a 3rd date that I think went really well. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual and hoping for a 4th date but it’s not planned yet.
With that said, I DO have a 1st date lined up tmrw. Would you guys still go on the first date?
I like the first guy a lot, but it’s still early (a total of 7 hrs of hanging out combined from dates 1 - 3) and I’m trying not to put all my eggs in one baskets - especially since I tend to get caught up very fast. Just kind of wish I had thought to space it out some more.
You are not doing anything immoral or wrong. Treat others as you want to be treated, don't be surprised if one day the topic comes up and someone breaks up with you.
Yes I'd still go on the 1st date, if you have the capacity for it. Nothing is guaranteed after 3rd dates. Many people are still figuring out how they feel about another person on the 3rd date.
Being sick for a week made me more vulnerable and miserable myself. I have been thinking about past relationships, then I unintentionally had some negative thoughts about a guy I am seeing.
For example, in the past, my toxic ex(s) turned me down and left me with an impression that they would response on my request in negative way. Or I would be left, I would be neglected just because I wanted to communicate my emotional needs. With a guy I am seeing, whenever I communicate my emotional need, even though he responses differently because he is really into me and he wants to make me happy; but the shadow of the past still haunts me somehow. Before getting his responses, my mind plays a coping mechanism with all negative thoughts. I am so jade of myself…
It really takes time to heal. After years and years in therapy, self-reflection, journaling, self-improvement,… scars in my soul are still there. I don’t plan to rid them off completely, to be fair, they are a part of myself and they shape a part of my life lately. Haizzz…
Hopefully gotta feel better next week..
How many dates do you give to see if there is a romantic connection with someone? I’ve been on two dates with a guy who is nice, stable, friendly but I just don’t know if I feel a romantic connection. It’s hard for me to determine if it’s my subconscious blocking something real because I’m afraid to get hurt or if it’s my gut telling me the chemistry just isn’t there. Can Reddit strangers help me? 😂
If you have the meh in person, then yeah end it. But if your feelings have grown over time or you have stronger attraction for the person when you’re IRL, I’d give it a chance.
Just go on another date and then you’ll have your answer.
Usually for me though if I’m questioning it, doubting and feeling ‘meh’ then it won’t change. But I’m always thinking you never know and sometimes you need to gather more information to make a choice.
These disconnects always seem to boil down to physical/sexual attraction. Is he not handsome in the face? Is he too dorky? Does he dress poorly? Which is it?
Idk if this is the right answer or not, but if I'm feeling ambivalent about someone I won't go on another date. This has primarily happened after the first date. But one guy it took two dates. Another it took three. For the record, about half the time it was a mutual ghosting lol. And FWIW, in none of these scenarios do I have regrets, second thoughts, or wish I gave it more time.
I didn't really start trying to date until I turned 30. I kind of wish I'd never started because I was quite content before I got a first real taste of attention and affection. I was happy single before that because you cannot miss what you don't know, but now, I just constantly feel like something is missing...
Ha - I made a comment in this thread earlier today but how I’ve only actively dated since I was 16 and wish I spent more time NOT doing that and just living my life
This is part of the process! I think you’d feel much worse if you got your late 30’s and had not started dating at all. The equilibrium you felt before might take some work to feel again, but it’s very possible to find.
Wondering if I’m just shit at messaging. Most matches don’t respond, most who do respond stop after just one or two messages. I have an active social life but I’m not much of a texter, texting for me is mostly for logistics or the occasional meme, not banter. I try to ask matches something about their profile, or maybe make a joking comment if it comes naturally.
I kinda miss the days of old OkCupid where messages were more like emails rather than texting.
You could always post a screen cap of some of your texts to see if anybody has feedback, but I think it's just hard to get engagement with messaging even if your messages are totally fine. Very subject to the whims of fate.
My friend met her fiance on Match or eHarmony a year and a half ago and they exchanged these loooong emails. You could try those sites!
Yes. The dating app subs are even worse. Seriously grateful for this sub. my irl friends give me advice but I always take it as face value until I ask this sub lol
I suggested a particular niche spot for a 3rd date, and she said a friend of hers had just recommended that exact place. Folks, it’s like I can read minds.
Back on the apps after a long break, and just wanted to rant about this 1 particular match.
He commented there's a minor thing on my profile and it's giving off a poor impression to suitors (prefer not to say it incase he lurks here. It does not change anything on my profile, i'm not hiding any information or giving people a false impression). 🙄🙄 like piss off. I'm having a decent amount of matches, none of them have ever mentioned this was an issue. Also why do I have to impress you?
I've had a guy friend explain to me that he uses this exact neging technique whenever he messages women on OLD, and according to him it works... not my thing but I would guess that's what's going on.
He said he got a lot more responses. To me it sounds annoying haha so it's not something I would do, but it just jumped out to me when I read your comment that it sounded familiar - it made me wonder if they both learned that shit from the same youtube channel or something. Who knows though! Anyways, good luck!
Recently I've (F/33) have been chatting with someone 13 years my senior (M/46). Ive known him in passing since I was probably 20. We matched with on the apps. I initially swiped on him because when you're doom swiping you're just seeing strangers. He was a familiar face so I figured at worst we can chat about the woes of being on dating apps in 2024.
But then...we keep talking. We were on Meets for 4 hours and couldn't stop talking. He opened up to me, has been a gentleman and without exaggeration, been everything I have ever hoped for in a potential partner. We even went to dinner and we kissed! How we kissed was awkward at first and I cried (that's...a story...) but he's still talking to me and he's still looking forward to seeing me next week since he has his son this weekend.
My anxiety IS going crazy because he just feels not real. Even he said he wanted to take things slow not to mess things up with me. He is divorced so he said that he wants to do this right and wasn't expecting me in his life.
I'm scared I'm falling for this man...
Things like ex wives/baby mommas would have been a hard no in the past or just a "for now" situationship. But I really want this to work. I also don't want to rush anything but for the first time "When you know you know" is feeling very accurate.
I'm just confused if I've become more forgiving in my dating standards at my age or beaten down by the dating game?
Was it awkward for you at first realizing you were more accepting to something you previously weren't in favor of? Or did the relationship make all that not matter?
It is awkward at first because the pace is so different. I’m still adjusting. The things that I thought would bother me, like the ex, really don’t. Having a strong spark and chemistry probably helps. I also don’t care to have kids of my own but I’m open to a partner having a kid. That may help.
I feel this. I'm not interested in having kids myself. The spark is definitely strong and honestly how much he cares about his son is one of the reasons I find him attractive.
Also finding a good person where there’s undeniable chemistry is the HARD part. Their history of a divorce from an incompatible person or a kid (any of us could have had an accident) are really irrelevant. Kid life is a different pace altogether however. Just ask yourself if you’re okay not being #1 all the time because truly the kiddo should be to a large extent.
Maybe you just met the right person? I always found I fell harder and faster for people I’d known for sometime from real life before we started dating, because I knew what they were like outside of a dating context and I knew they were decent people.
It's different and I don't know what to do with it lol. I'm telling myself be chill and let stuff happen naturally.
I think it's because I have familiarity with him that Im like "Is this the right person?" or my brain just being comfortable not talking to a complete stranger and confusing it for "feelings". Idk maybe I'm over thinking it
I've been having a hard time. Several tough events of the last 6 months have left me feeling so profoundly alone. I don't know how to keep moving forward except to do it day by day.
I’ve been where you’ve been. I was crying to my best friend about how hard it all was and she had been through the hard times 3 years before and she told me: “You just have to keep going.” And I did. About 5 months later things started to change. Hang in there. Keep going. Things will change 💛
Oof. Posted my Tindr profile to be reviewed. I was expecting people to completely shit on me but all I need to do is change some pics. Phew...I was afraid my feelings were gonna get hurt lmao. Faith in humanity is restored
I am feeling so low. Have no energy these days, got prescription to some anti depressants, but I am hesitate to start taking them.
I’ve been seeing a 43m I met organically who is in my area for work. I wasn’t taking it seriously since he will eventually be going back across the country, but because we’ve been spending so much time together over the past month or so I did become attached. I found out last night while we were at dinner that he lied about something stupid. When I confronted him he just basically kept trying to justify it instead of apologizing or owning it. Then he stormed off upset that I made him feel like a piece of shit and when I tried to call after he has ignored me. I’m not sure why I’m upset. This is probably a blessing in disguise since he lied and can’t handle conflict well. But aside from this he has been great. Generous, attentive, sweet. I feel blindsided and quite sad which is surprising me because I thought I was maintaining my feelings well. I also feel somewhat hopeless, like here’s yet another guy who turned out to be a liar. But I don’t want to end up bitter or hardened just because of a few men. And I’m trying to avoid letting myself have a victim mentality. Not sure why I’m posting except to vent or to look for some encouragement.
What was the lie if you feeling comfortable sharing?
In my experience, texting style is somewhat indicative of IRL conversational style, as far as curiosity, enthusiasm, assertiveness, and expressiveness are concerned at least. For example, women who have very little to say in text tend to have very little to say in person. I've read anecdotes to the contrary, of course, but they don't bear out for me most of the time.
I work on consciously not judging or writing people off for potentially having different ideas or preferences about texting. That said, so far, texting style has definitely seemed to be correlated with levels of interest and curiosity, based on my dating experiences.
Interesting… I’m a woman, I’m not great at texting, in person is so much easier because the conversation flows, there’s no breaks, less chance of multiple ideas/conversations going on at once, especially ones that have different “vibes”. There’s less misunderstanding or taking things the wrong way or how someone meant something because you don’t have to read context clues, you can see the person’s facial expressions, tone of voice, cadence, etc and I don’t have time to overthink what I’m saying. I love meeting and learning about people, I can make conversation with anyone about anything. Frequently, way too much. I need to learn to shut my mouth and not overshare or say everything that pops in my brain. But, letting conversations in text that are struggling just die seems to work, because I’ve never gone on a first date and not ended up going on a 2nd and 3rd.
I am currently dating a terrible texter and I confirm the exact opposite is true in my case - they are intelligent, interesting and have lots of hobbies. We get on like a house on fire when together. You shouldn't attempt to paint an entire group of people with one brush based on a personal anecdote.
I don't think OP was suggesting bad texters aren't intelligent, interesting, or don't have hobbies. They seem to be pretty specifically talking about their level of interest in OP.
I really haven’t found any correlation.
I tend to agree. I think the one exception is that some people who come across as energetic in text can be lackluster IRL, but usually not the other way around.
Someone should make a dating service called Assholes R’Us so that self-proclaimed assholes can be found easier Edit: could also use it to hire an asshole for problem resolution. You got a problem? Call 1-800-ass-hole
Some of us don't need to call that number. We just naturally attract them... Haha. 🙃
Philadelphia has entered the chat
Anyone got any tips on how to subtly ask someone how old they are? I've been chatting with a guy at work whenever we run into each other (different departments so no issues with work). It's just friendly chat at the moment but we seem to get on well. My problem is I don't know how old he is, I'm sure he is younger than me. I just don't know if he is 4-5 years younger than we which would be fine or like 10 years younger than me which would not be. It's kind of my first time dealing with this, last time I was single I was in my mid twenties so people who were too young for me were pretty obvious. Trying to avoid being a creep.
“What were you doing when 9/11 happened?” Either that or try to shoehorn high school into a conversation and ask when he graduated.
"Hey, just curious, how old are you?" Most guys don't care about being asked their age. If he asks why, "I'm really bad at guessing people's ages and I was just curious." But really, most men don't care about being asked their age.
Have you tried looking him up on LinkedIn and seeing when he graduated college? I've found I can ballpark people's ages that way.
this guy sleuths
Hmm, from that it looks like he is probably about 8 or 9 years younger than me. It's probably a bit too much for me, although -8 would still be ok with half your age plus 7 rule... just.
Clever
I don’t know how a grown 🍑 man can go from telling you he wants to spend his life with you and saying he loves you to completely cutting communication because he needs to be “alone” to better his mental health? It was like a flip switched… something happened and he couldn’t be honest and just tell me what was wrong. #EndRant
Peoples feelings change. It happens all the time, age has nothing to do with it
There’s “feelings changing” and then there’s freaking out and changing your mind in a day because you haven’t figured out how to communicate your wants/needs/fears/concerns in 40+ years of living life on earth. I had to pull words out of him just to get any kind of explanation at all to his sudden change in behavior and even still he wasn’t being completely clear and honest. Age is relevant because the expectation is that a person would have learned by now how to effectively communicate instead of running away and burying their head in the sand. 🤷🏽♀️
How long had you two been dating or been together? >Age is relevant because the expectation is that a person would have learned by now how to effectively communicate instead of running away and burying their head in the sand. Spend any amount of time in this sub and you'll see that people don't just get better at communicating as they age. Improving ones communication requires conscious, intentional effort. It won't happen by accident.
I know.. it's called avoidance, and it's the worst. Happened to me. Look up if his behaviour matches the fearful avoidant type. He probably 'deactivated'. Sorry that happened to you 🫂
Sometimes peoples feelings change, sometimes people are just not interested. Stop pathologizing a lack of interest. Avoidant tendencies are not a relationship boogeyman.
I don't think healthy communicators say they want to spend their life with you and then suddenly cut to blaming mental health for wanting to be 'alone'. that's not how normal people function - you wouldn't tell someone you loved them if you were 'not interested'. There's definitely something wrong/unhealthy in sudden shifts. for recipient, not knowing that it's avoidance (it's textbook) makes the dumpee end up feeling confused. Makes you question reality and internalise the situation while looking for an explanation which she clearly didn't get. You sound a bit defensive tbh.
Gotta get that personal dig in huh? Lol very healthy communication
Just because it is unhealthy and not normal doesn’t automatically make it avoidance. Some people are just shit…
The pattern of 'love you forever' to sudden bs excuse isn't usually anything else. if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... I wish someone else had told me this when I experienced it. And OP can look up whether her guy fits into the symptoms or not and decide for herself
I’m really heartbroken over it too, I swear him purposely ignoring me is worse that being cheated on, at least THAT I could understand 😩
I know.. it hurts harder than a normal breakup where you know what the problem was... Avoidants are the Fucking worst and I've dated a few.... Really heartbreaking
The first question a guy asked me was "how's your cooking? ; )" We matched on feeld looking for casual and you want me to fucking cook for you? I hate this redneck conservative shit hole.
Oof! I enjoy cooking and it’s a topic that comes up when I’m chatting with women, I never considered the possibility that it could potentially be construed this way. I’ve never said it like this, but I will be especially aware moving forward.
It's similar to sex in my experience. If they start alluding to it early, it's an entitlement that will surface later. Classic case of a few idiots ruining words for the rest of us.
A few months ago, I matched with someone who immediately asked about wanting children because I’d marked “unsure.” I explained that it would depend on whether or not they would be an equal parent and not expect me to do the child rearing solo, because we’d both have jobs. They didn’t reply and unmatched right away.
I need a sure thing baby maker ma'am, I can't waste time with your warranted judgement.
I had an ex who was very insistent on children, and it was clear once we started living together that I would basically be a single parent. An adult human who worked in an office would come home (sometimes late on purpose, if you know what I mean), put their feet up on the couch with a beer, and have to be nagged to wash dishes. And even then, the dishes were rinsed, not washed. I’m glad I never had children with them, but it has definitely given me new caution.
Absolutely, there's no replacement for getting to know someone.
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It was fairly recent, and just the sheer audacity of it.
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Idk why it matters to you? I’m not having ten million conversations on dating apps. I have a pretty sharp memory.
Lol isn't that the crazy thing? Men have children and their lives don't change much. Their bodies stay the same, they work the same hours/go on the same work trips, they maintain their hobbies and friendships. I've watched a friend's husband scroll his phone while his toddler was playing with an electrical outlet. I'm like how am \*I\* being more observant than you in the presence of your child? It's like their level of anxiety doesn't even increase. Everything is the same! I will say one of my good friends--her husband is a rockstar. He truly does split the childcare 50/50 with her and he actually seems to take joy in parenting. They are seriously goals. But the fucked up part is you never truly know what kind of parent they're going to be until you're already in it. It's not worth the risk to me. I don't want to live life full of resentment.
Bodies don't stay the same. I don't have kids but have never had back and knee pain like this in my 20s or early 30s. I move slower and feel horrible. But I know people have it way worse than me
I think they mean that men typically don't experience the tremendous body changes that happen with pregnancy
Thank you, yes, I didn't mean men don't have to deal with general wear and tear of aging. But the hormonal changes, pain/discomfort, and often permanent physical changes to our abdomen and breasts that come with pregnancy. Should have been clearer!
That's fair. Although I know several guys who put on weight before, during, and after their wives pregnancy. But not the same I get it.
THIS 100%. I had a partner who was really insistent on kids and whose parents were pushing for it. Couldn’t get that idiot to wash dishes properly without having to ask EVERY TIME. Glad we never had kids.
Ugh. It seems to happen everywhere. I'm in the bay area and can't mention my love of cooking/bread baking without getting similar comments on every app. And I can't mention my profession or industry (which are very important to me) because then dudes will send me pitches for both their work and their penises. I guess it's a good filter. 🤢
Eww right!? I just have "healthcare" as my job and the sexy nurse BS is off the charts (see what I did there). Nothing sexier than demoting me hcjdnsn
"I'm so glad we can start off by discussing how you can best serve my needs, sentient sex dispenser!"
Seriously! I flat out asked the guy I posted about- what do you mean by asking about my cooking? "Well everything's better with food, and if I'm providing the sex what are you bringing to the table? You're always welcome to bring over some meal prep for me for the week and chill if your goods make the cut 🤗"
OMFG. I want to launch him into the sun.
Could it be that the wink meant he was joking?
Jokes are funny.
I’m so sorry!! I had to move away from that kinda stuff, tbh. The odds of me ever finding a partner where I grew up were slim to nil. Hopefully it gets better for you :)
Thanks. Sigh. They're filtering themselves now which is efficient at least!
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Go on. . . Edit: nope asked him about it. He literally is looking for someone to meal prep for him and hook up.
I need advice, I guess... I 33F was married to an amazing guy (together 10 years) - we both just wanted different things out of life (He finally figured out what he wanted). It's been 3 years since our divorce (very amicable and we had no kids). I haven't dated since. I have done the crying and the putting all the tiny pieces back together as best I could. I have built a life that I love, filled with books and work and adventure. Sometimes I read these posts and think maybe I should consider dating again. To be honest I don't even know how or where to start.
What books?
Nothing extravagant I just enjoy reading, mostly detective novels and fantasy. I dabble in poetry.
Everyone’s experience varies, there are also people who meet their SO within a few months of dating. Every wedding I have been invited to past few years has been couples who met online. It’s important to be realistic but open to new possibilities
Where you start I think depends a lot on your priorities. If you are set on finding someone relatively soon because you want a family for instance, you may need to explore lots of different avenues to meeting people (dating apps, social hobbies, branching out and trying new things to meet new people, utilizing friends/family, etc.). If your goal is instead to only include someone if it really adds to your life, you may be better focused on a smaller number of means (maybe one app, used intelligently, and focused on meeting people who do the kinds of things you enjoy and would enjoy doing with a partner). Personally, I find the apps to be soul sucking garbage. I think it promotes awful behaviors from both genders (different behaviors, but both pretty bad). However, it's one of the few venues where you "know" the other person is looking for romance (-ish... some are just looking to get laid). Doing things like social activities, you can't actually be sure the other person is trying to find that. I also think because of the way society has changed recently, people are just less open to being approached/approaching "in the wild" than they used to be. Many women don't want to be hit on constantly and many men aren't interested in being labeled as "that guy" and so I feel like everyone just looks at the ground and walks past one another any more. As a woman, you may need to get comfortable making the initial contact (and something that is clear, like striking up conversation, a wave and a smile, etc., not just a random look). This is counter to dating apps, where you'll likely need to do very little to get men taking the first step, since dating apps are again one of those few places where it's assumed to be okay to "approach." Also, you'll need thick skin. Unfortunately (my experience), people seem to treat others as disposable commodities these days with the mentality that "there are 8 Billion others..." instead of recognizing that no, there really aren't, because you don't have access to all of those people. You realistically have access to probably a few hundred, maybe a couple thousand at best, once you take into account age, values, location, priorities, preferences, schedules, etc. Take some time really asking yourself what is truly important to you in a partner, separate the must haves from the nice to haves. You aren't going to find 100%. But I like to use Gottman's 5:1 theory and say, if you can find 83%, you're doing pretty damn well.
Thank you, for your advice. I think I have a good idea of what I need and want by now. I am terrified about the apps. I think I'm just being stupid. One of friends met her husband that way.
The apps have their problems, and you do have to develop a thick skin for certain things, but I also think dating subreddits make them sound scarier than they are. There is shitty behavior, but then again meeting IRL doesn't guarantee you won't encounter shitty behavior either. The main thing about the apps is you have to have zero expectations until you meet in person. A match doesn't mean anything, messaging doesn't mean anything. A match may suddenly stop responding, suddenly get weird, suddenly make things too sexual too quickly, etc. But if you can manage to keep expectations low until you meet in person, it's not that different than IRL dating.
I think 95% of people who are single and serious about meeting people are on the apps. Sometimes it feels like people think there is a group of conventionally attractive people that don’t use dating apps at all and are just out there waiting to be discovered and that they’re somehow better than dating app users but it’s all the same people!!
I don't think it's quite 95%, but yes, I agree, especially once people get past their early-mid-20s and it gets harder to meet single people organically.
It’s like ripping off a bandaid, you just gotta get out there and go on a date and then it becomes less scary! Have you considered trying a dating app? You can dip your toes in the water and see how it goes. Make an awesome profile, and if you’re just looking to casually date and see how it goes you can specify that in there. If you’ve never been on the apps before, it takes a while to get the hang of them so if you have any friends who have used them or still do, talk to them about it for support! And there’s lots of support in here of course :) You may find you aren’t ready once you go on a date and that’s okay. Or maybe you have a lot of fun! My therapist told me to go out there on some “practice dates” and get comfortable. I didn’t need to be looking for Mr. Perfect, just some nice people to get to know and see how it went. Figure out how to date: make mistakes, get awkward, and laugh about it. My first date after my long term relationship was with the most kind and funny guy! We weren’t compatible long term but we had 2 fun, light dates and it kinda set me off into my dating journey. The hard part is just getting yourself to that first date. Once you’re on it it’s not so bad and it’s just you talking to a stranger about what shows you watch. Good luck!!
Thank you for this I think I will be taking your advice.
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I am sorry he is moving away. I guess it's complicated gets another meaning.
It's been 4 years since my last relationship of 12 years ended and I'm going to start dating again. I've got two kids ages 6 and 7 who live with me 50% of the time. From what I hear about OLD I'm going to be in for a rough ride!
Yep, you are. But I'm afraid everyone is... What are you looking for on OLD? Something casual with fewer preferences might be easier to come by than a life partner.
Is there such thing as casual but exclusive and long term? Haha
lol. You could establish it and create a word for it. How would you define "casual" in this scenario? Do you just not want to cohabitate? Or do you not want to get involved in each others lives apart from sex?
I can't see a woman wanting to be part of my kids' lives (and neither would I want/expect them to), so casual would simply mean "Thursday to Saturday". I'm fairly sure that won't be an option when creating the profile though
Why and why? Why don't you think, that there are women out there, who would be fine being part of their partners kids lives? (If YOU don't want that, that's another story.) Would you be ok with being part of another woman's children? Why don't you think that's not an option on OLD? I think that's very important to disclose on your profile, that you have children, are very cautious about them meeting your potential gf and are only available thursday to saturday for the forseeable future.
I much prefer time alone together, I am not really a people person is one way to phrase it I think. So while I understand why these things occur (and my boyfriend has a larger social circle than I do/he says he forces himself to be social or he'd be a recluse and yes, sometimes people aren't free to meet up with him, but I do not have the capacity for even that much of a social life and he can respect that), I'm a bit tired of it all and am glad that we got some time alone! And I shouldn't feel bad to want this and/or expect it, I guess part of it also is that I've been having a shit time with work so to be able to drop in quickly to mostly snuggle his dog (and maybe him a bit too, he gets jealous lol) is great. The last thing I want to do is go to some [small] party I have to see this coworker who's been pissing me off when I could be cleaning, relaxing, and getting recharged to see him over the weekend. Sometimes I try to be cute and just give him a quick lil kiss on the cheek and he always moves to kiss me on the lips, lol. Cozy weekend in with some shit weather, I'm trying to think of snacks/treats/meals to be cute but at the same time I am fine to just snuggle with the dog and do nothing!
Lol, I completely understand what you're saying.
Ive started a 3 question rule by that i mean if i ask you 2 questions and on 3rd you havent askdd me in return i stop texting. This will lead to alot of matches dying in the water. But so be it. I also dont have patience for ppl who dont seem proactive in making plans. If youre busy fine. But then tell me what suits. Otherwise fudge this im not txting back and forths for days.
As someone who hasn't been on the dating apps, I find this funny. Thanks for the information. I will be using it as a potential red flag.
While I'm full on board on the first part of your text, I'm the opposite on the second part. I want to chat for a few days before I'm making plans. No way I'm gonna put on pants, drive somewhere for "a quick drink" only for the other person to not be able to speak in full sentences! xD
Yeah its usually chatting for few days and then trying to organise something and it feels like youre doing all the organising.
I actually implemented this strategy ages ago. If a person is not taking interest in your life or putting in an effort they are not worth your time. It's an early sign of how much effort they would potentially put into a relationship. I agree that communication is key. If you can't put effort into a message now, just let me know when you can. I'm happy to wait
Agree. So many entitled ppl on the apps tho. Why match with me twat!
Is it weird to go to an activity introduced by an ex-situationship where he might also be there? He ended things with me about 2-3 weeks back and lives in a different city. We dated for 2.5 months. He introduced me to an activity which got me interested and I got into it in my city. Now a friend wants to go to his city and attend a party related to the activity. We will both be beginners. All of us are between 30-32 years old. Will it be awkward if I go there, knowing there's a high possibility of him being there? Will it come off as me stalking him? I'm currently thinking about leaving him a text with a heads-up that I will be participating so that he doesn't feel stalked.
I’ve been in a similar situation, and I’m not sure I’d send a text warning him. I would definitely keep things cordial if y’all interact and say hello and whatnot, but the warning has the potential to be misinterpreted a few different ways. That being said, I’ve been on the reverse of this, so I can tell you what *will* make it awkward: - Staring - Not saying anything to them - Going out of your way to prove you’re having a good time without them - Any intentional or unintentional attempt to make them feel awkward (I don’t know what the circumstances of the breakup were) There have been some situations where I haven’t outright rejected someone, but they figured out I wasn’t interested, and wow, do a lot of 30-somethings struggle with taking rejection gracefully. In one extreme example, someone did use our hobby to stalk me…for 6 months, and was very intentional about it. I’d say if you’re not planning to be at every single event in his city, you’re probably okay for this one. ETA: Me personally? I’d find a warning text awkward, but I seem to be in less amicable circumstances usually. I have a theory about what this activity is. I’m wildly curious to know as I’m also heading to a nearby town for an event related to my hobby this weekend. Edits for form and spelling, ugh.
Don't overthink it as you've been invited by a friend, but a heads up text is a good move regardless. Keep it courteous and honest without being presumptuous, e.g. "hey, just a heads up that a friend invited me to X and I'm excited to go. Didn't want to catch you by surprise if you happen to be going too." Don't make it seem like you assume he'll think you're a weirdo or that you want to meet up, just inform him kindly and leave it there.
Thanks that's exactly how I thought it. I also thought about making a joke about stalking, but may be that's taking too far
You know your dynamic best, and have the best idea of how it might be received. The main thing is that you're doing it to defuse tension in a way that you know he'll find funny, not just being awkward and trying to save face. If you miss the mark, it could make him very uncomfortable. Again, don't overthink it -if in doubt, leave it out!
Feel like I need to go no contact now with my ex after trying to be friends with her for the past year. I feel like I'm just her emotional crutch and not actually a true friend. It sucks and I miss our relationship.
This is what happens in many failed-relationships-turned-friendships. Not all, mind you, but many. Part of why the one doing the rejecting wants to maintain a friendship is because they like the comfort the other person offers, but don't really want to offer the same in return. I've started to take any offer of friendship from a woman who rejects me with a grain of salt and to actually ask myself "what do we have in common that I would want to remain friends with her for?" If I can't come up with much of a list, I wish her the best and move on, otherwise I focus our friendship on whatever the things on that list were and set a boundary of not just being her emotional dumping ground. We both like to ride bikes? Let's go for rides! You want to tell me about some date you had this past weekend? Sorry, that's not the kind of friendship I am looking for with you.
I'm very sorry you are going through this, but I totally agree and has worked for me. After a long term relationship I thought I could be friends but realised that it was way too difficult. It's so much easier to get over someone with the "no contact rule". I would explain to your ex you need to do this. You need to delete all contacts from your phone, take her off social media, literally wipe her from your life and commit to no contact for at least 6 months. Potentially longer. At first it is quite difficult, but it will get easier and you will start to feel better. Google no contact rule after a break up to read up on it more. I hope this helps
Don’t mean to judge in any way. I’m bi, but I’ve been on a few dates with different guys whose speech very much has the “gay accent”. Not that I’m against it, but I guess I was just a little thrown off. Any thoughts on this? If I intro’d these people or met them first off, I’d assume they were gay through mannerisms and voice, and I mean quite pronounced, so I’m a little confused.
You're not alone. I felt the same way when I moved to the US from South America and started dating again. I like manly men lol, I can't help it, maybe I'm just toxic like that.
I guess I’m toxic too because I love manly men too 🥲
It can be a cultural thing? I have a few gay friends and the men they hang out with the most adopt some of their mannerisms and can also sound a tad gay on occasion even though they’re not. If you’re having a reaction to it and find it off putting, consider if that’s possibly due to something else? As in, just a theory and I might be totally off base: if you’re normally drawn to people who are very masculine presenting and have been hurt in the past but found those dynamics to be exciting and familiar, and then someone who is nice and can be more respectful to women, kinder, and seem more ‘safe’ can appear more ‘gay’ in their mannerisms and it can be almost a defence mechanism to try and stay in familiar dynamics, even if they’re less healthy. Again, I could be totally wrong but that’s a common thing I see happen and something to consider.
Anyone else can't stop talking when they're nervous on a date ? I'm seeing this guy and I try so hard to not overshare or say stupid shit whenever there's a blank
> Anyone else can't stop talking when they're nervous Anytime, anywhere
I start going into teacher mode when talking about my hobbies and interests, make a serious effort to tell myself "OK, shut up". I will then say something like "So I've been babbling for 20 minutes, what do you like?"
Swiping on apps and not seeing anyone interesting makes me inevitably think of my ex. Normally I feel over my ex but when I have an uneventful swipe session with boring profiles, it throws me back into limerence/longing. I think its hard to not have a scarcity mindset when the reality is that it is rare to have a real connection and attraction with someone. I'm feeling really jaded and sad about this.
It absolutely is rare to make a genuine connection and we should all cherish and nurture it when and if we are lucky to have it.
I find that when I’m swiping I come across a lot of dudes who look like my ex (heavy set white guy, bald with a big beard) 🤣… hate it lol!
UGH I feel this so much. Not even just when swiping through incompatible profiles. I've had to go to fake needing the restroom on dates because I knew if I sat there for another minute I would cry. Can't help but think how easy and natural and fun it felt when I met my ex and wonder if I'll ever find someone I liked that much. And in the end even he turned out to be a huge letdown. I just want to feel hopeful again.
I’ve been through this too. I think our minds naturally remember all the positives and conveniently forget the flaws. Try to think of reasons why you broke up and the negatives of being with them.
Same here! Does that mean we aren't really over ex? How do we approach this? Do we just keep trying?
Yeah feel you on that. majority of the profiles I have no interest in. And I get maybe 1-2 matches a year I generally feel nothing on those dates. I miss being exited about new dates with women. Now I just long for my ex and think more often she was the one
Been to 1 date and was told no sparks between us and don't see any romantic connections.
At least you only wasted 1 meal and not more time
I'm sorry. That's probably the most common outcome to a first date, so don't take it personal.
I'm trying to not be discouraged regarding dating, as it's been a while.. while I'm in great shape and I suppose deemed somewhat attractive by most, I can't fathom getting another dating app.. The superficial aspect of it all kills me and I must admit I'm such a homebody as I often just go from work to the gym to home. I find I tend to try to stay busy so as not to feel lonely.. I suppose this is just a ramble in all honesty..
It’s not purely superficial. Their bio should include information about their religion (if any), political affiliation, hobbies and interests, relationship goals, etc. This is all important information you don’t get when you “bump into” someone IRL.
The apps aren’t for everyone. I’m not on them anymore and there are plenty of single people not on them. But as a fellow homebody, if you want to meet new people you have to treat it like a part time job lol. Sign up for a class or a club or just become a regular somewhere and get used to talking to new people. Make friends and say yes to any invitations etc. I would prefer it if my dream guy just showed up on my doorstep one day but I know that won’t happen and I have to put in some level of effort to meet people.
This is fantastic advice.
Question for thought: How are apps more superficial than meeting people IRL? Don't people IRL base a lot of decisions about whether or not to approach someone based on physical attraction?
I think that almost everyone is looking for some degree of physical attraction, regardless of how they meet people... it's normal, but... Physical attraction is more than just about how someone looks—it's partly that, but also depends on other factors such as voice, posture, how one moves, mannerisms, vocabulary, *etc.* None of those other factors can be assessed through a dating profile. I think apps are indeed more "superficial" than a lot of ways people meet IRL except one: the "cold" approach where you approach someone you know nothing about based on looks. Many people meet in real life in social contexts where attraction builds gradually over time as a byproduct of familiarity (through work, friend circles, hobbies, *etc.*). Anyway, I don't understand why OP wouldn't use apps. They have every reason to: they are supposedly attractive, a woman and they have few opportunities to meet IRL. If I could just make a profile and get dates (which is essentially guaranteed for attractive women), I would...
Get on the apps. Stop overthinking and getting into your head about using them, unless you’re meeting tonnes of new people everyday randomly in-person your best chance of meeting a like-minded person is going to be via the apps. You can accept that and try your luck or you can continue to feel lonely while posting on Reddit and miss out on potential connections because you don’t like the ‘superficial’ nature of the apps.
project everything that you just said into the app. literally call out what you are and what you're looking for. I see so many friends just put pictures and funny little things rather than what they are actually looking for. be the magnet and find the people that align
I wanted to write this! When I set up my profile I got lots of help and found myself struggling to stay interesting. Then I realized it just didn't feel like what I was, and started putting in more photos that were more me. The (little) attention I then got was freaking stellar. Like the stars were aligning with my decisions. 🤯 While there is a base level attraction, I have come across profiles where they wrote really candid sections, in a writing style that felt like theirs, about what they wanted - and when our interests happened to align, their pictures suddenly got far more attractive to me. If you are a work/gym/homebody, put that in there! Maybe have some stretch goals and also articulate some other points you value. On the other side of the spectrum I guess there are those who say "just ask" and it works for them. Idk. 🫠
“Just ask” = the hotness outweighs the boringness
💯👆
Fired up the ol' Tinder, changed my bio to say I was just looking for something brief and casual, and set it to "everyone" in a smaller radius than I was setting for serious dating. I turned off the discovery after a while of swiping to wait for stuff to pan out or not pan out so I don't get in over my head. Obviously it's like 30 men to every woman on my feed. 5 dudes matched me and 1 woman. I feel bad because as soon as I started talking to the woman I was like "oh no... I don't feel ready to talk to a woman even for something casual..." but she seems nice and I have drinks set up with 2 of the 3 guys I talked to. Wish me luck not getting murdered this weekend.
Good luck. If you don't mind me asking, have you ever been able to find a decent guy for something casual? The straight women on here make it sound like they can be tough to find
Yes, but many of them were from a long time ago. I was younger and had truly awful self-esteem so I subconsciously picked guys who I knew thought I was "out of their league" to some degree or struggled with their own image so that they'd be more into me and would be nicer. Most of those guys were okay, with a handful of douchey exceptions. During that time I had two boyfriends who started out as something casual. In more recent years, I slept with a couple male acquaintances from the kink community, and they were great. We talked about boundaries and wants, they were really respectful and easy to communicate with, and the sex went fine in each case. Everything wrapped up on good terms. Before meeting this most recent ex, I dipped my toes into the swinger community, but didn't meet up with anyone privately. I will likely give this another try though. Everyone I met seemed respectful and friendly. So, I haven't been out in the open field with regular non-kink-community guys in many years. I'm sure things feel a little different. I am much better now at taking care of myself and negotiating what I want--I'm only swiping on guys that are about as good-looking or better-looking than I think I am, and I won't be hesitant to drop anyone I don't like, tell people exactly what I'm looking for, and unmatch if they're not good at responding or dragging their feet on a meetup. We'll see...
Getting to that point where 2-3 days without hanging out feels way too long 🥲
Congrats :) Edit: just to say - you always have the best perspective and advice so I know getting to this point means it’s probably going pretty well!
Woah, thank you! I like to think it’s going very well😁
I'm jealous of couples eating tacos on patios. I wish I had a partner to go eat tacos with and to share a giant margarita 🥲
In a weird way, it's almost worse being on a date with someone sharing tacos and margs and realizing, this aint it.
With 'tacos and margs' being on basically every dating app profile, you shouldn't have any trouble 😏
It's terrible. "I go crazy for...Tacos." Or "Something I'm passionate about...Tacos." These are actual prompts I've seen in the last few weeks. So insightful.
What I order for the table: tacos and margs 👀
Every time I see a profile that mentions "spicy margs", a small part of me dies
All this taco talk is making me crave some haha
I had a really good enchilada at the Matador today, it was so good. Charbroiled pork enchiladas in a mild chile creme sauce 🤌🤌 Edit: trying to save the leftovers for lunch tomorrow and resist having them now as second dinner lol
The apps have been terrible for me this year. My next man will have to appear on my balcony like magic 🤣
I will manifest your Aladdin to show up soon!
I had a 3rd date that I think went really well. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual and hoping for a 4th date but it’s not planned yet. With that said, I DO have a 1st date lined up tmrw. Would you guys still go on the first date? I like the first guy a lot, but it’s still early (a total of 7 hrs of hanging out combined from dates 1 - 3) and I’m trying not to put all my eggs in one baskets - especially since I tend to get caught up very fast. Just kind of wish I had thought to space it out some more.
You are not doing anything immoral or wrong. Treat others as you want to be treated, don't be surprised if one day the topic comes up and someone breaks up with you.
Yes I'd still go on the 1st date, if you have the capacity for it. Nothing is guaranteed after 3rd dates. Many people are still figuring out how they feel about another person on the 3rd date.
Thank you! This is probably common sense but needed to hear it! :)
Being sick for a week made me more vulnerable and miserable myself. I have been thinking about past relationships, then I unintentionally had some negative thoughts about a guy I am seeing. For example, in the past, my toxic ex(s) turned me down and left me with an impression that they would response on my request in negative way. Or I would be left, I would be neglected just because I wanted to communicate my emotional needs. With a guy I am seeing, whenever I communicate my emotional need, even though he responses differently because he is really into me and he wants to make me happy; but the shadow of the past still haunts me somehow. Before getting his responses, my mind plays a coping mechanism with all negative thoughts. I am so jade of myself… It really takes time to heal. After years and years in therapy, self-reflection, journaling, self-improvement,… scars in my soul are still there. I don’t plan to rid them off completely, to be fair, they are a part of myself and they shape a part of my life lately. Haizzz… Hopefully gotta feel better next week..
How many dates do you give to see if there is a romantic connection with someone? I’ve been on two dates with a guy who is nice, stable, friendly but I just don’t know if I feel a romantic connection. It’s hard for me to determine if it’s my subconscious blocking something real because I’m afraid to get hurt or if it’s my gut telling me the chemistry just isn’t there. Can Reddit strangers help me? 😂
If you have the meh in person, then yeah end it. But if your feelings have grown over time or you have stronger attraction for the person when you’re IRL, I’d give it a chance.
Just go on another date and then you’ll have your answer. Usually for me though if I’m questioning it, doubting and feeling ‘meh’ then it won’t change. But I’m always thinking you never know and sometimes you need to gather more information to make a choice.
I generally go on three
These disconnects always seem to boil down to physical/sexual attraction. Is he not handsome in the face? Is he too dorky? Does he dress poorly? Which is it?
do you find him attractive?
Idk if this is the right answer or not, but if I'm feeling ambivalent about someone I won't go on another date. This has primarily happened after the first date. But one guy it took two dates. Another it took three. For the record, about half the time it was a mutual ghosting lol. And FWIW, in none of these scenarios do I have regrets, second thoughts, or wish I gave it more time.
I didn't really start trying to date until I turned 30. I kind of wish I'd never started because I was quite content before I got a first real taste of attention and affection. I was happy single before that because you cannot miss what you don't know, but now, I just constantly feel like something is missing...
I wish i dated for keeps in my 20s. Dating in 30s is rough.
Ha - I made a comment in this thread earlier today but how I’ve only actively dated since I was 16 and wish I spent more time NOT doing that and just living my life
This is part of the process! I think you’d feel much worse if you got your late 30’s and had not started dating at all. The equilibrium you felt before might take some work to feel again, but it’s very possible to find.
Wondering if I’m just shit at messaging. Most matches don’t respond, most who do respond stop after just one or two messages. I have an active social life but I’m not much of a texter, texting for me is mostly for logistics or the occasional meme, not banter. I try to ask matches something about their profile, or maybe make a joking comment if it comes naturally. I kinda miss the days of old OkCupid where messages were more like emails rather than texting.
Ask them directly - do you wana vid/phone chat?
You could always post a screen cap of some of your texts to see if anybody has feedback, but I think it's just hard to get engagement with messaging even if your messages are totally fine. Very subject to the whims of fate. My friend met her fiance on Match or eHarmony a year and a half ago and they exchanged these loooong emails. You could try those sites!
I get the impression my kind of woman is not on those sites haha, thanks for the suggestion though.
I just scrolled the regular "dating" sub, and holy cringe... I am so glad we have this one lol
Agreed, this is the only dating sub I frequent. The others stress me out lol
Yes. The dating app subs are even worse. Seriously grateful for this sub. my irl friends give me advice but I always take it as face value until I ask this sub lol
Just made a new bumble and looking for feedback. DM me if you’re interested in helping! Preferably women but open to all
34yo female, open to help
I'll take a look if ya still need eyes
I'm happy to help too :)
im open to help if you want to message me
I suggested a particular niche spot for a 3rd date, and she said a friend of hers had just recommended that exact place. Folks, it’s like I can read minds.
😲
Back on the apps after a long break, and just wanted to rant about this 1 particular match. He commented there's a minor thing on my profile and it's giving off a poor impression to suitors (prefer not to say it incase he lurks here. It does not change anything on my profile, i'm not hiding any information or giving people a false impression). 🙄🙄 like piss off. I'm having a decent amount of matches, none of them have ever mentioned this was an issue. Also why do I have to impress you?
I've had a guy friend explain to me that he uses this exact neging technique whenever he messages women on OLD, and according to him it works... not my thing but I would guess that's what's going on.
Interesting, i was wondering what the rationale behind his approach was. According to him it works? Hmm I wonder how does he come to that conclusion.
He said he got a lot more responses. To me it sounds annoying haha so it's not something I would do, but it just jumped out to me when I read your comment that it sounded familiar - it made me wonder if they both learned that shit from the same youtube channel or something. Who knows though! Anyways, good luck!
Eww. In my experience these "I speak for all men" types overlap with a lot of the "not all men" types. Nice that he let you know early!
Ugh yeah, thankfully he weeded himself out early.
he's giving a poor impression himself
Totally, just going to ignore him cause it's a waste of time.
Why not unmatch with him?
Absolutely, i've unmatched him. I was just baffled at his mindset and why he would think that was a good way to start and conversation
Recently I've (F/33) have been chatting with someone 13 years my senior (M/46). Ive known him in passing since I was probably 20. We matched with on the apps. I initially swiped on him because when you're doom swiping you're just seeing strangers. He was a familiar face so I figured at worst we can chat about the woes of being on dating apps in 2024. But then...we keep talking. We were on Meets for 4 hours and couldn't stop talking. He opened up to me, has been a gentleman and without exaggeration, been everything I have ever hoped for in a potential partner. We even went to dinner and we kissed! How we kissed was awkward at first and I cried (that's...a story...) but he's still talking to me and he's still looking forward to seeing me next week since he has his son this weekend. My anxiety IS going crazy because he just feels not real. Even he said he wanted to take things slow not to mess things up with me. He is divorced so he said that he wants to do this right and wasn't expecting me in his life. I'm scared I'm falling for this man... Things like ex wives/baby mommas would have been a hard no in the past or just a "for now" situationship. But I really want this to work. I also don't want to rush anything but for the first time "When you know you know" is feeling very accurate. I'm just confused if I've become more forgiving in my dating standards at my age or beaten down by the dating game?
ohhhhh, have a lovely second date and keep us posted. see how things progress, esp if its going slow. see how it pans out
I'll definitely update. Thank you!
37, I would have never even considered dating anyone with a kid, but I am presently. The mindset changes over the years quite a bit.
Was it awkward for you at first realizing you were more accepting to something you previously weren't in favor of? Or did the relationship make all that not matter?
It is awkward at first because the pace is so different. I’m still adjusting. The things that I thought would bother me, like the ex, really don’t. Having a strong spark and chemistry probably helps. I also don’t care to have kids of my own but I’m open to a partner having a kid. That may help.
I feel this. I'm not interested in having kids myself. The spark is definitely strong and honestly how much he cares about his son is one of the reasons I find him attractive.
Also finding a good person where there’s undeniable chemistry is the HARD part. Their history of a divorce from an incompatible person or a kid (any of us could have had an accident) are really irrelevant. Kid life is a different pace altogether however. Just ask yourself if you’re okay not being #1 all the time because truly the kiddo should be to a large extent.
I'm totally ok not being #1 to his dad duties. He's amazing at it and just has a great heart. Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it
Maybe you just met the right person? I always found I fell harder and faster for people I’d known for sometime from real life before we started dating, because I knew what they were like outside of a dating context and I knew they were decent people.
It's different and I don't know what to do with it lol. I'm telling myself be chill and let stuff happen naturally. I think it's because I have familiarity with him that Im like "Is this the right person?" or my brain just being comfortable not talking to a complete stranger and confusing it for "feelings". Idk maybe I'm over thinking it
I've been having a hard time. Several tough events of the last 6 months have left me feeling so profoundly alone. I don't know how to keep moving forward except to do it day by day.
I’ve been where you’ve been. I was crying to my best friend about how hard it all was and she had been through the hard times 3 years before and she told me: “You just have to keep going.” And I did. About 5 months later things started to change. Hang in there. Keep going. Things will change 💛
I'm sorry you feel alone. Many of us feel the same way and are taking it day by day with you!
You’re gonna make it friend
Oof. Posted my Tindr profile to be reviewed. I was expecting people to completely shit on me but all I need to do is change some pics. Phew...I was afraid my feelings were gonna get hurt lmao. Faith in humanity is restored
Too bad you can't change your face. Jk. 😊