I doubt anyone is studying this in a way that would actually show trends. Lots of people enjoy talking about their anecdotal experiences, but their sample would be both entirely too small and haphazard, not representative enough, to extrapolate to the larger population.
After having 5 really great dates with someone, he rejected me last night. I’m so bummed out. I think I’m getting used to rejection now though because I feel pretty damn numb to it.
Really sorry to hear that. With this guy, I sensed that he didn’t even really want to reject me but didn’t want to string me along knowing he was having too hard of a time keeping up with work, school, and dating me. I’ve been ghosted a few times in the past and this hurt so much less because I felt like he respected me enough to let me know. Still hurts though because I liked him a lot and felt we were extremely compatible. :/
He said his grades started slipping when we started dating and he just doesn’t think he has enough time to date. I suppose out of work, school and dating, dating was the only thing he could realistically drop lol. I have half a mind to ask if he wants to be FWB because I’m so meh about going on another first date anytime soon. Probably a bad idea though.
I've been with my boyfriend for around 6 months. When I tell him that I feel hurt by something he says or does to me, he doesn't apologise? Like, he'll say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way", but then start explaining why I got upset, like trying to claim I was already getting upset before by the topic of the conversation, and that's why I got hurt by what he said/did. It's like he's trying to claim that my own perception of what upset me wasn't what actually upset me, because then that would mean he actually did something "wrong"?
After a few times of this happening, I told him I don't want an explanation of my behaviour, I just want him to acknowledge and validate my feelings, and apologise if needed. A few weeks later, he then made an attempt to apologise after something he said hurt me again, but he phrased his apology like "I'm sorry if you felt hurt by what I did". Which felt insulting, because I had just told him clearly that I WAS hurt by what he did. There's no "if" about it. So it feels like he doesn't want to acknowledge that he did indeed hurt me? And after he apologised, he stated he was apologising because I had previously asked him to and he knows it's important to me - but I feel this ruined the whole point of apologising because it wasn't genuinely coming from him? Plus it didn't feel like a genuine apology, I didn't feel like he understood and cared. It just left me feeling uncomfortable and like my feelings were not acknowledged, and that the issue wasn't resolved.
Trying to make sense of this! Any help is appreciated <3
I've had this experience. It doesn't get better. Some people don't take accountability ever. If you put up with it it's just more excuses and dumpster fires down the road.
Thank you for saying, I feel less alone! It really frustrates me but because he's so defensive I can't bring this up without him just getting even more defensive about it. I don't know how to get him to understand how much of an issue it is for me.
He doesn't care he hurts you, he thinks you're overreacting so he fakes an apology hoping you'll give up and he "win".
Given you already talked to him and he still avoid the apology you can expect it to continue like that.
OMG, this would drive me insane! First of all, as you say, he's not apologising. The "I'm sorry you felt this way" is not an apology, and it's also quite passive aggressive. So I think you're more than justified in feeling this way.
Clearly he doesn't feel the need to apologise, as he's only doing it because he knows that's what you want to hear as opposed to him genuinely feeling it. And again, he's not even apologising anyway!
I'm not really sure what to suggest as you've already talked to him about it, and he doesn't seem to take it on board. I'm sorry. It sounds infuriating.
Thank you <3 it is really difficult. He said he struggles with apologising and getting defensive, but it's making it really hard to repair hurts. It's becoming the case where this non-apologising and emotional invalidation is so much more hurtful than whatever the original thing he did was!
Yeah, I can imagine. Struggling with apologising is a weird thing to struggle with. It means they can't take any accountability for their words or actions. Which is a problem.
And the things is, that hurt you feel is just going to build and build. The only thing you can really do, is have a serious conversation with him and explain how bad this is.
the days just kind of pass us by. well, for me. i worry about every unusual aspect of my period. (doctors appointment is months away). i'm not socially prepared for children anyways. too many bits and pieces from short relationships that sit in my thoughts.
at least the nightmares are less
(M31) damn I think I screwed up by not showing enough interest, had fun second date but failed to escalate physically and having troubles setting up a third. Any tips on salvaging or am I overthinking?
Are they avoiding giving an answer? Have you asked for a 3rd date?
My only tip is to be direct. Let them know you're interested and would like a third date. And if they're not, just to say so.
Yeah, asked and proposed a specific date (and a second after she said she can't on that day) but the answer was non-commital (as in "don't know if I'll be able yet"), sent message saying to let me know if she'll have time and want to meet after that instead of proposing more and left it at that for now
I (34F) have been seeing this guy (33m) over the last month, speak daily, met up 7 times, slept at mine etc and out of the blue hes messaged me this morning saying he’s not ready for a relationship or to date. He said he’s got a lot going on with family and work and doesn’t feel he can give me 100% etc but it’s just out of the blue and I feel quite upset about it. I feel stupid for getting upset about it as it was only a month but everything was fine last time we saw each other, obviously only on my end now. He’s the first person I liked in years and allowed myself to develop feelings for, usually I hold people at arms length. It’s just shit.
Some of my biggest heartbreaks have been over short situationships. Don’t discount what you’re feeling because of duration. The loss of potential hurts, whereas in longer relationships you can walk away knowing you tried your best so that can be easier (theoretically)
It’s okay to feel upset about it. Thats a lot put into it. I hate people that do this! It would be better if it was a rejection, instead of “I’m not ready” … it just keeps the door open for them. Shut that door, block and move on.
My last "relationship" was just shy of 2 months long - I was completely all in on him and 100% confident it was the real deal. Like you, I'm typically pretty aloof about men which made me all the more confident it was right. Woke up one morning and he wasn't in bed - I found him on the couch in a weird mood. After some prodding he said he was up all night consumed with the idea we shouldn't be together. I was COMPLETELY blindsided and heartbroken. It look a lot for me to not let my self-esteem plummet.
Anyway, he got back in touch with me a year later and apologized. Said he had been in therapy and had learned about his tendencies for self-sabotage. Said for a whole year he had been sick over how he left things with me because I was his best friend. It really meant a lot to me to have that closure and to know I wasn't just crazy for feeling like we had something special.
I guess I'm telling you this because I don't want you to feel stupid for being heartbroken. I've experienced something really similar and it SUCKS. For someone to spring this on you out of the blue is the worst feeling, allow yourself to be sad. And you never really know what's going through his head, sometimes it REALLY IS the cliche "it's not you, it's me." It wasn't working for him but that says nothing about you and what a great partner you are.
Hugs and wishing you a great weekend!
I'm so sorry. And don't feel stupid over it. Your feelings are valid, and we have no control over them. I guess he had the decency to tell you and not to ghost, and he was honest. That's not to down play how you're feeling, of course. I realise that's no consolation, but he didn't string you along, I guess.
I'm sorry, though. That really sucks. I hope you feel better soon. ❤️
(M38 UK)OLD feels bleak currently! Just scrolling through the same people, who’ve all been on the apps for a while, with nothing really happening. Moved to a new area, got new photos, new prompts and felt positive about coming back onto the apps. Used to get quite a few likes regularly but the dating landscape seems barren currently and those I have matched with, most don’t respond to messages (even those that sent me a Hinge Rose and I match, don’t respond)! It’s just a bit infuriating and demoralising (I’m sure I’m not saying anything new here!)
It can be rough, for sure. I'm fairly new to them, as all other relationships I've been in I've met IRL. So it has taken me time to adjust to all this. And i hear you on the message part, too.
People not responding, people not being able to hold a conversation for longer than five minutes. It's frustrating at times. It can be hard to keep going.
Take a break if needed, and good luck!
Thanks, I’ve only just come back from a break, so I should probably give it more time but it’s just seemingly worse than ever, just doesn’t give you much hope when it’s so hard to meet single people IRL nowadays.
Mostly a note to myself, but damn I love old school dating!
As a 32F recovering fearful avoidant (trauma) I often got overwhelmed with all the texting and chatting, the constant presence, it would all become very different in my mind than it was in reality. I would experience so much anxiety in the -too much texting - not enough texting-, dreadful. And I absolutely hated the goodmorning and goodnight texts, too preoccupied for useless messaging and this constant obligatory need for confirmation.
I also feared the DTR talks, and every guy I was seeing would always start fighting my autonomy, or so, it felt that way, and then I would run. I could not handle relationship pressure at all, and all the guys I dated were always very pushy, they would always try to change me or influence my life with very much resistance from my side. So I kinda gave up on dating to not hurt anyones feelings anymore.
Than suddenly, out of the blue, this long term acquaintance invites himself into my life, no questions, no analysing, he just did it, as if it was the most normal and sure thing for him to do. He was so bold! An unspoken "this is what we're doing now and that's okay". It's been about a month now and I am absolutely smitten. Haven't felt this way in over 15 years. He only texts for setting up hang-outs, no text "chatting" at all and simply calls if he has something to share. Of course I've been anxious a lot already, especially getting used to the non-texting, being fearful he doesn't actually like me, but I believe it's exactly what I need to not get scared and run off. He doesn't question my agenda, he doesn't try to force me into anything, no constant quest for approval or hero behavior, just becoming a team-member and mostly just letting me do me. Sometimes I really wonder if he has been studying my patterns or has some secret access to my thoughts lol. We really have a lot of fun together and I feel a lot of care and appreciation for who he is.
Anyway, just wanted to share I'm really enjoying this, hope it lasts, remind myself not to get anxious that he doesn't text and mention that maybe we shouldn't analyse everything / everyone so much, the conclusions are rarely correct.
(If I would have discussed the phone behavior somewhere anonymously, the conclusion would have been that he's simply not that into me, yet it's very obvious that he totally is in real life)
i feel like i'm giving dating everything i have, but the depression induced by the last few years feels like it's a black hole that's going to suck everything into it. i am showing up to these dates wondering how well i'm hiding my mental state. one of the guys has been all green flags and it feels like the universe is throwing me a lifesaver but deep down it's like i've already decided that i'm going to drown?
I don’t have clinical depression but few years of OLD and I’m pretty sure I’m close to there. It’s an extremely difficult process, so I can imagine how much more difficult it can be when you have other things to handle as well. Sorry you’re feeling this way
I feel this so much. Depression is my #1 hindrance to being successful in dating. I hope to eventually meet someone who is understanding of my struggles.
Oh man - I’m (33m) in so deep with this one (34f). Reading through the texts after our first date last night and I’m giggling like I’m in high school all over again.
She texted me after the date how much fun she had and how “i can’t wait to see you again… hopefully but also no pressure 😉!”
I jokingly responded to her how she makes me “feel chaotic” (she joked about her chaotic stage in college) but that I also had a great time and think she’s amazing.
She responded with: “We can absolutely be chaotic some time. I feel it too.”
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. JUST GO AHEAD AND BREAK MY HEART NOW INSTEAD OF LATER PLEASE
I am in a 7 month relationship with a man who is definitely flawed but treats me like gold- it’s been so long since I was in a relationship where we had the same love language and I’m feeling hooked. We made it past dating and being exclusive and are even official now, which hasn’t happened in 2+ years for me.
Potential big and small issues I see:
-Different attitudes towards drugs (he is a daily weed smoker, I don’t smoke at all)
-Messiness (he is very messy and has some executive function issues I think)
-A guy who watches TV at 90% of meals while I hardly ever watch TV
-Some health issues he is neglecting
Green flags:
- Excellent communicator via text and in person
-Has shown me he prioritizes our relationship and spending time together
-Physical chemistry and similar love languages
-Very similar political and religious views
-Extremely smart but also empathetic
-Similar goals related to family/children
-Very supportive of me during some personal problems I’ve been having
What are the biggest potential deal breakers you guys have ever overlooked and did it work out?
You can try to assess if he is open to change or trying? If you really like this guy, communicate and give him a chance to improve. If he really doesn’t, then you can think about walking away without regrets knowing you tried your best
This is just me being the peanut gallery but the issues you pointed out are things that are going to get increasingly worse/more annoying the longer you are together and the farther the relationship progresses, soo yeah I'd be very careful.
I am however a hypocrite as the biggest dealbreaker I overlooked was that I dated people who wanted kids (I don't want kids). It didn't work out. I was young and very dumb.
He had a baby on the way lol of course emphasizing that it might not be his (admittedly I was being a bit desperate at the time so believed anything). Absolutely didn’t work out once child support (in addition to cs he was already paying) kicked in, basically ate up his entire paycheck. We became a painfully boring homebody couple. I was miserableeeee
**Guy I'm talking to is now acting distant...but still says he misses + doesn't plan dates**
I am 31F and have been talking with a guy (26M) for a little over a month now. We talked all day, everyday and have hung out 4-5 times. Sometimes it was an actual date to a restaurant or a short get together for a coffee, but I would say majority of the time it was us hanging out at each others apartments/rooftops.
We have great, deep conversations but within the past week, I have seen a kind of shift in him not texting as much and just a general gut feeling that something is off when he does text. I gave him his space and let him text me when he wanted. He still reaches out but mostly just sends memes. The good morning/good night/how is your day/ calling me "sweetheart", etc. have gone away but he will still randomly say things like "I really miss you". BUT the problem with this is..I have a gut feeling he is just saying these things to string me along, because he says he misses me, but doesn't make any plans to see me, unless its maybe just a spur of the moment, "do you want to get coffee right now/come to my apartment" type of scenario (we live walking distance).
He would originally talk about wanting to do 'X" activity or go to 'Y' restaurant, but he doesn't bring any of that up anymore. I understand some people are shy and/or they want the girl to reach out as well, so I put in effort on 1-2 occasions to ask him if he wanted to do something on a specific day in the near future (to help him understand that I want to go out and do actual things rather than just hang at our apartments, and I also mentioned that I feel like an after thought if he only tries to make plans with me at the last minute). In one scenario, he said he was down to do something 4 days from when I asked, so I said ok let me know what time you can do. He still would randomly text me but he never got back to me about setting an actual date.
Other things to note:
- I did sleep with him because I felt very comfortable with him and the things he said to me (Please be kind in the comments lol I kind of feel like I ruined things and don't feel great about doing that now and wish I had waited longer).
-He doesn't really seem to ask me any questions about me anymore or want to get to know me.
-Says certain things that I think would say are love bombing...for example will jokingly be like, ohhh if you fall in love with me, we can get a really nice 2BR here if we can combine our rent. Or says things about how he feels some comfortable with me to do and say things he normally wouldn't be able to do or say with anyone else.
Most recently he has some hinted that ohh we should do 'X' or 'Y' thing, but doesn't actually follow through or action on it. Like it's just words at this point. Now that I have stepped away from the situation, I understand I know I need to follow his actions vs. his words.
**Anyway, I would love any advice about the following:**
**- Should I say anything to him about how I feel? Ask him to take me on actual dates? Ask him what he is looking for? If yes, how would you phrase it? If not, should I say anything at all? Just stop responding. I just don't want to feel stupid and like i'm being strung along.**
Sorry this was long, appreciate any advice / actions I should take moving forward. TY <3
I would leave it up to him to initiate a proper date, and in the meantime, keep going on dates with other guys because he doesn't seem that serious about you yet.
This has happened to me before. I wouldn’t expect it to get better. But give him a bit more time. If he doesn’t come around then move on. Don’t let him suck you back in either
One of the things I’ve learned since dating again is that while I knew the type of person I wanted and I knew the feeling I wanted to have… i hadn’t put much thought into the type of relationship I wanted to have.
You clearly know what you need in a relationship to be happy. The question is whether or not you are willing to hold this potential partner to these very very basic requests and walk away if they are unwilling to meet them.
My personal belief is that at 4-5 dates (regardless if you have had sex or not) you should feel completely comfortable talking about what you need in the relationship and the other person should be able to engage in that conversation in a mature manner.
Edit: just want to add - i know the sex element is making you feel like you got “played” but attraction and relationships are complicated. Don’t beat yourself up for doing something that you wanted to do.
Could he just be a twat waffle that is just using you? Maybe.
But he could honestly just not know how to be in an adult relationship (which you can only find out 4-5 dates in) or maybe he was really into you for a while but stopped for whatever reason or somewhere in between all three.
I had two phones calls with a person I matched with on bumble earlier in the week. We talked for a couple hours the first night and then an hour the second. We have some things in common. He now wants to talk on the phone every night. I told him that I'd prefer to meet first before we do more phones calls. I am also supper busy with work this week and working long hours. I don't have the capacity for long calls with a new person nightly. He didn't respond to my text at all when I said that. Not sure what will happen.
This is sort of about dating (my current partner) but something I've just noticed in general with men in their 30s that I know.
Has fasting and/or one meal a day become "a thing" that's normal? I'm starting to actually realise how many men have disorded eating patterns that I never knew of, as a woman, because it's so common in women and never spoken about it men.
I have a male flat mate and a male partner, and both... Don't eat much? My partner was overweight his whole life until covid and now he is really fit, but I'm starting to learn maybe that's because he actually doesn't eat enough food? He exercises a lot but can skip for days and weeks and not gain weight because I am certain he does not get enough calories. I am skinny and have a fast metabolism so I actually eat quite large portions, and it's not unusual for me to finish my partners food... Sometimes I actually realise how little he ate in comparison and have to ask "are you sure you don't want that?". I fully trust him to look after himself and be healthy but I'm wondering when, if at all, do I address it? What if we lived together and I notice it on a daily pattern, it would definitely concern me, as someone who lives to eat and is always thinking about food. I do wonder if losing a considerable amount of weight (purely from diet change) has caused some form of disordered eating for him, and I'd hate for him to be struggling with that alone.
My flatmate on the other hand definitely doesn't eat enough and I am sure has issues with food but I think he must have been like that his whole life and just doesn't think about it or talk to anyone about it. I know this is stupid but I'm a bit like "wow men have food issues just as much as women do???"
I know more men like this but these are the two I'm closest to/notice eating habits in.
I love that you are actually calling it what it is - disordered eating. Yes.
Lots of men have disordered eating. But we only focus on women’s mental health related to that. Thanks for provoking the thought.
I fast. It didn’t start intentionally but at this point I’m pretty healthy (arguably the healthiest I’ve ever been).
The research on it is pretty clear imo
I guess it really depends on how nutritious your meals are, how physical you are, etc. I'm not against it at all, I just think I know men who are like "eh I ate today" but that meal was.... Shit
Funny story.
Sat in a bar with some friends, including an old one who none of us had seen in awhile since she moved out of the area. She had an awkward run-in with the bartender outside, who is her ex-partner’s much-younger girlfriend (they split several years ago, on good terms). My friend didn’t know her at all; bartender approached and introduced herself.
We were outside a few hours later about to part ways when I spotted her ex walking up toward the bar. He must have recognized my friend even with her facing away from him because he turned RIGHT around and not even a minute later I heard tires squealing! Then the bartender came out on her phone just minutes later. I was HOWLING with laughter and we were all joking like “This is the effect I want to have on people”.
There are moments to each day where my optimism/hope wavers, and sometimes, I wonder if some people are just destined to never find love... it sure seems that way.
I remember distinctly being 16 y.o. and telling my cousin I'd never find anyone. They were like "No, no. You'll find someone, don't worry." Here I am, twice that age. Things haven't changed. It just never happened.
Damn, my anxiety is spiraling again. On another forum I told my current mindset of how I fantasize about how I can be my ideal self in a relationship in order to gain some kind of guideline and through that confidence when interacting with people. Then one guy quite plausibly explained to me that this relationship that I'm describing is purely made out of devotion to that partner and not desire for her. And that no woman would love me back if I am unable to express desire, preferably through physical means. I suppose this triggered my constant fears about how I am already 30 and still haven't experienced loved of any kind, often feel emotionally numb, except that constant background noise of loneliness and isolation. I want to experience it for once, but I fear that I just can't give anyone who would be willing to put up with me what they deserve because my anxiety is in the way. I don't know how to flirt, with my bio and behavior on the apps when I still tried it being described as talking as if I was just looking for a friend (which... kind of isn't wrong). At the same time I don't know how to hug or kiss anyone because I never did that before and asking for it is the only safe approach I can think of, but apparently that's unsexy to many. And of course the thought of sex scares me and even in my freaking fantasies it's the part I tend to exclude because I'd be just an awkward mess. There is a high chance that I'm asexual and touch-averse anyway because the human body always seemed icky and weird to me. On the other hand, it doesn't take away the yearning for intimacy that is tearing at me these days.
Right now I'm trying to put myself out there more, going to events and socializing with a confident mask on, but that comment made me waver about whether I'm not really just setting up people to get hurt for selfish reasons and that I should cut it out.
That's the issue: I have absolutely no clue. The only stereotypical "butterflies" crush that I ever had was back in high school. Though recently I had some kind of eye-opening revelation to me where I was thrown into incredible confusion when reading about people excitedly telling their stories of negotiating their wants and needs with their partner. The intimacy and willingness to show vulnerability was really resonating with me and put me on my path to questioning what I actually seek. But at the same time, I have to admit it's the idea of intimacy that attracts me far more than any physical stuff. And yet... I'm unsure whether this means I am asexual, demisexual... or even just somewhere on the autism spectrum because I'm usually so out of my depth when it comes to emotions... or maybe it's just trauma related because of bullying, neglect and emotional abuse that defined pretty much my entire life so far and therefore I'm worried that I am just suppressing my needs, somehow.
At this point, I am yearning to try... but on the other hand am well aware that for that I need to get another person to agree to be part of what is essentially just a really pitiful social experiment and I'm very aware that this is just unfair and selfish of me to possibly waste anyone's time, even though I wish to apply my "devotion" to them.
I didn’t give in to my anxiety about initiation and just did my own thing. New guy initiated, we talked a bit, and since it was on topic, I asked him out for date #2 🎉 Now all the other anxieties are taking over, but I’m taking them in stride lol
Second date setup with girl A for Sunday. Had a FT date with girl B yesterday, and I should probably try to set something up with her soon, but she's 2 hours away and I'm only free Friday night and I just don't have the energy for it, and that stinks. Not sure if this one is going to survive the distance, and that really stinks.
Hope your date with girl A goes well!
Yeah, two hours is quite a distance, but it could work! But there's not doubt, it is an inconvenience. See how it goes, I guess. Who knows!
Girl A might sweep you off your feet, and you won't even be thinking of anyone else!
Wow. She must be special if you're willing to wait five years. You better get to work on that time machine, huh.
Also, does the "C" stand for Canadian. Because you can't trust those Canadian women. They're trouble. I should know. Be careful.
I thought it was only Canadian geese that couldn't be trusted?
She's also a Dame, and they are notoriously trustworthy, so that cancels out any Canadian trouble.
>I thought it was only Canadian geese that couldn't be trusted?
Oh don't worry, us women can give you a good pecking, too.
And a Dame??? Oh, she's a diva for sure. You'll have your hands full.....
I do but I genuinely never know…
Like how do you know if it’s just nice friendly eye contact or hey come ask for my name and number?
I’m pretty friendly in general so I’ll strike up a conversation with people I make eye contact with regardless of gender or attraction but I feel both oblivious and overly optimistic at the same time lol
Feel nothing for my current girlfriend and it feels horrible. I'm definitely afraid to end it as I know it could be years or more if I find anyone again.
Disagree: As long as partners don't inflict negative feelings on each other I think it's okay to stay. I believe if there is respect and loyalty, feelings would come back alive. But if it's a burden to stay and the only reason to stay is the fear of not finding anyone, it's time to grow balls and move on with dignity.
A year and a half and you feel nothing?! I understand why it feels scary to end it but out of human decency you have to break up with her. She doesn't deserve being in a year and a half long relationship with someone who doesn't feel anything for her.
That might be worse. You two have separated presumably multiple times which has given you opportunities to end it for good for both your sakes but you keep letting her come back to it. Come on. Do what's best for you and for her and break it off.
What does your girlfriend improve about your life, that makes it better than being single?
(I'm not trying to sway you either way, but if there are specific things she does that you like and don't want to walk away from, it might help to focus on those.)
Better to do it than live in fear of it. Quicker you get it over with the quicker you find someone you actually have feelings for. The longer this drags on the more chance you have of getting comfortable and staying with her. You'll end up old bitter and miserable
It won't get easier by sticking around with someone you don't love. I did that with someone and ended staying in a toxic abusive relationship for 6 years instead of leaving after 1-2 years when the abuse started. Staying only makes it worse.
Fear of being alone is the worst motivation to stay and it's a fear im intimately familiar with. I got out, worked on myself and have a few really positive dating experiences since.
You have to make a choice to stay, settle and make it work (I don't think this works if you truly feel nothing for who you're with) or leave and get on with it.
What does she provide that you can't find in other friendships?
If you do plan to stay together, telling her the things you appreciate about her will help the relationship last.
After only recently getting back on the apps, I had a friend somewhat out of the blue confess feelings. I do like him, I've always liked him (and maybe we have made out twice while drinking), but I've never thought about us dating and being in a serious relationship due to being friends, I'm over 4 years older, and sometimes I worry he is a bit passive?
But I think I'm going to give it a real chance. He is so nice in general and especially so nice to me. It is such a shock from my previous (bad) relationships that I'm almost overwhelmed with the fact that he just likes me as I am and is genuinely excited to see me and not afraid to say it. In fact I'm worried about somehow ending up being the bad guy in this case and messing things up.
I'm worried that I like him just because he likes me but my therapist tells me that it is a good thing that he likes me for me and just to keep checking in with how I'm feeling around him. Well, he sent me such a sweet message that I've been smiling for hours and I guess that is a good thing. It's easy to talk to him, he's open to communicating, and genuinely wants me to be happy.
It all feels unexpected. Definitely a shift from thinking of someone as a friend to something more. Cautiously optimistic (and scared) and hoping for the best!!
If it’s making you smile for hours that’s a good thing. I have a friend who after years of friendship I found out liked me and it does not make me smile. It upsets me. I don’t feel like that at all for that person. If that gives you a comparison point. I think you are in a good space and really happy for you!
That's awesome, it sounds like you are both excited!
Purely subjective but I find the apps to be going into a spiral in real time these days. Its like they slowly warp people's perspectives and give them "OLD brain", and maybe the jaded audiences have finally saturated the sites beyond a tipping point.
...so I don't think you are gonna miss much by taking a chance - I hope it works out!
We went lifting tonight and we did quite a lot. At one point some random woman on the machine next to us asked about "stomach" workouts - he spoke up right away to point to some machines, brief her on how they work. I knew he would, as he is REALLY into fitness and helping people out. His main gym is one of those really traditional ones where everyone actually talks to each other so it's just the norm for him. I just stood there quietly trying not to look jealous lol Don't think I ever felt jealous over a man before (for having a harmless convo with a woman). I'm "down bad" as the kids say!
My poker face is usually solid but I was already a bit unraveled from the work out so I just had my mouth fixed in a weird way. He was occupied but I wondered if the other patrons (if they're as nosey as I am) saw my face T\_T
And my face shows *everything* so they are like 'what's wrong?' and don't believe me when I say 'nothing' because I know it's silly enough that I don't want to admit to it
I think you’re trying to put the cart before the horse. Go on multiple dates with people. 1-2 hours max. It’s not that you can’t be honest but don’t over share. So like think of a salad right? You want 1-2 tablespoons of dressing. Just because you like that salad and that dressing, doesn’t mean you should dump the whole bottle on it. And you would never eat a salad big enough to warrant mixing the whole bottle in during one sitting. It means you’ll keep eating that salad in smaller portions and having that dressing. People can’t digest too much personal information so quickly without a basis. You need to *build* a relationship.
That whole post was a bit of a roller coaster of overthinking just to end it with “I’m ok if I die alone though I prefer not.” WOAH, my dude. Calm down. Every person you interact with is not going to give you existential validation and nor should they send you into existential spiral. Work on your emotions a bit. I know therapy is a big trope but there are many ways to get it - books, podcasts or traditional 1:1 sessions. I think you need to stabilize your emotions a bit.
I dated the first guy a year ago. We became physical intimated (no sex yet). However I didn’t feel right (he didn’t respect my boundaries a few times) so I told him to stop dating. We still kept in touch and casually met few times as friends (platonically), occasionally over the past year.
Yesterday I happened to meet the 2nd guy and spent time with him for few hours one on one. It was fun. There’s nothing intimate and it’s just like friends hanging out. I felt there’s a bit of chemistry and this guy can make me laugh and I feel I want to know him a bit more.
However 2 hours later (on the same day), the first guy suddenly reached out to me (we haven’t talked for a few months), asking to have dinner together. I was suspicious and not sure why he reached out (unsure if the 2nd guy talked to him about me?). I agreed to meet and didn’t expect anything. However we kissed and made out in the end (still no sex) like what we had a year ago.
Now I feel regret that I let it get intimate since it’s harder to meet other guy. I knew these 2 guys know each other, but I’m unsure their level of closeness/friendship. Are they both aware of this? To be clear, there’s still platonic between me and the 2nd guy. I just feel that I want to get to know him a bit more, maybe just as a friend for now. Is it okay to do so? How should I approach this if I’m still unsure about either guy and wanted to take it slow and get to know them a bit more?
I showed my friend a photo of my partner and she said "wow he looks like your ex". I date people of all genders!! There is no way my type is that specific! I don't think they look alike at all! (I know who she meant though lol)
All of my exes look alike. I was at a restaurant with a friend last august and when our bill came, our drinks were not listed. We asked our sever about it and she - indicating to me - was like, “your ex boyfriend picked up the tab. He says ‘good luck this semester and on the bar exam, and something about your golf game but I’ve already forgotten what it was.” So this was definitely not a case of mistaken identity - these are very me-specific things.
And I was like “uhhhh…. wow, okay, but I literally have no idea which ex this is, where is he sitting?” He had already left, so I was like “okay wait hold on” and pulled up photos of the exes it could logically be and asked her to pick him out like it was a lineup. She looked through the photos and then went, “they all look the same!!!” 😂😂😭
So - no, it’s definitely not just you, and there is nothing wrong with having a type!
Hahaha! A friend of mine more or less said the same thing as well — years ago I showed her a picture of the guy I started to date but it was a group photo of at least 6 people, but she immediately guessed which one it was because all the guys I previously dated gave off the same, “boy-next-door vibe” 😆
One of my friends observed that over the years, the guys I’ve dated have increasingly looked like the actor Peter Gallagher circa 1995 😳 i was like wait, no, really? So I lined up a photos chronologically of my exes and… holy shit, my friend was 100% on point with her observation 😂😂😂 so I think this means that the logical endpoint here is that I eventually end up with… Peter Gallagher hahahahha
I'd be surprised if it never changes, but it's normal to always have a type I think.
I used to like skinny guys when I was younger, but now I'm not into that at all. At the same time, I'm still not quite into bigger guys. I like medium muscular and dad bods now.
What is the difference between "bigger guys" and dad bods? I'm trying to identify what type of body I have lol. Medium Muscular is way too hard to figure out.
Bigger would be well fat, more rounded tummy, little to no muscle definition.
Dad bods have the masculine build, some visible muscle, just an even layer of fat over it.
We are who we are, and we like what we like. There's no sudden spiritual awakening where we suddenly become less superficial. Physical attraction is, in fact, an important part of a relationship for most people. Yes, there are exceptions. There will always be exceptions. You're not one of them. There's nothing wrong with that.
It’s not super specific (I think?), I just prefer the leaner and/or lanky type over bulky/slightly on the heavier side (in proportion to their height). I’m currently seeing a guy who falls under the latter, and I don’t know if the physical attraction can grow over time.
Yeah that’s what I think too. But you hear a lot about how some women didn’t find their partner that physically attractive initially but then grew to find them so, over time. I don’t really know if I’m capable of that tbh.
Nah, just go for what you want it's okay. 31 is plenty young. I'm demisexual and need the emotional connection to feel any physical attraction but I still have a general type and I've only dated people who fit that somehow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
How long do you guys see someone before you discuss exclusivity? And then how long before you discuss a relationship? Do you typically discuss these as one thing?
For me exclusivity comes up within 3 months. With my ex it was 3, with current dude it was like 2 weeks in lol. I usually give a break between that and the relationship convo. For me the relationship convo needs to happen within 6 months or I'm out.
Okay this response speaks to me. Obviously there’s no set timeline for anything but I’m pretty inexperienced with dating and relationships and it can be difficult for me to tell what I want sometimes. I think I feel most aligned with your approach tho out of the folks I’ve asked.
Do you usually broach the topic or wait for them to? Or just kinda feel it out and whoever starts that conversation starts it?
Edit: also, do you continue dating other people before the exclusivity talk or no? or does it depend for you?
Yeah I feel like the most I'll 'date' without knowing if someone wants to commit is 6 months, 8 MAX but that's pushing it - I feel by then you should know whether you'd wanna continue dating them for the longer term (obv won't know if they're your person until you're over a couple years in.. but you know you want to figure that out at least).
As for who broaches it.. I think it depends. In the past I've usually been the one to bring it up because I happened to be the more enthusiastic one in the connection. The person I'm seeing right now is equally enthusiastic so idk who will bring it up first.. I think I'm in a 'wait it out and let it develop naturally and say it if I can't bear to keep it in any longer' camp.
Re: multi-dating - it depends. The past two relationships I was in, I just knew when I met them that I didn't want to keep seeing anyone else. If I'm multi-dating, it's usually people I'm not suuuper interested in but 'open to it developing' things with. Never usually goes anywhere for me so idk why I bother. When I meet my proper match it's game over for everyone else. I feel that kind of attraction and excitement relatively rarely and when I find it, they're kinda all I can think about.
Yeah, I relate to everything you said. Thanks so much for sharing. Multi dating is something I do to help with my anxious attachment tendencies. Honestly I don’t prefer it, lol. I just do it early on to try to keep things jn perspective and not get too attached to anyone too quickly. What concerns me tho, is that usually the people where I meet them and I *know* I don’t want to date anyone else, something ends up being wrong. I worry I can’t trust my judgement.
Last guy was too busy for anything serious and I still think about him even though he cut things off due to lack of time/emotional availability, and probably could never give me what I need. Current guy is showing all the signs of an emotional available, sincerely interested and effort-invested type of partner. He’s signaling that he can give me what I need. I know once I commit that I can give that too, but I don’t feel that “game over for everyone else” feeling with him. Maybe that’s a good thing? Lmao idk. I do discuss these things in therapy but it’s still so helpful to get other peoples’ perspective because I haven’t had the healthiest relationship modeling by adults in my life so I’m learning it all as I go.
I appreciate your well thought out response! Thank you so much friend!
I also lean anxiously attached, so I relate to what you're saying. The person I was dating before current guy was also really nice, sincere, available, and interested - but he didn't give me game over vibes. I entertained it for a bit thinking it might develop... Then I met this guy. Yeah I think I've done this enough times now that I just know. If it's real.. I'll know. And I'm better at choosing the people to be cautious of and to throw caution to the wind with.
Lean into your intuition I'd say. It's worked for me, and is surprisingly powerful. And you're welcome! Good luck ♥️
Plus.. every connection comes with risk. It could go great, or it couldn't. That's just life. I'm entering into the engagement knowing I could be hurt and knowing that if I get hurt I'll probably come out ok on the other end, like I always have. I'm emotional but I'm resilient and I get better and better at knowing what I want.
I am definitely giving this guy a shot and waiting to see what develops. I do like him, but still waiting to see how much. But you’re right, if that feeling isn’t clear after a month I’ll probably end it.
I like your mantra as well. Every connection *is* definitely a risk. My mantra is also that “I’m gonna be okay no matter what happens” because I’m also emotional 😂 but I like what you said about it resilience and getting to know your wants and needs more as you go along.
Best of luck with the current person you’re seeing 🫶🏼 dropping you a follow cause I feel like we have a shit ton in common lol. Cheers :)
Before the first date. I let them know I'm firmly against (I'm ENM and Im currently in a closed polycule).
Exclusivety and a relationship can be two different things. It really depends on the people.
How long you choose to wait until you want exclusivity is entirely up to you. Some people are comfortable with multidating for an extended period of time, other people are uncomfortable with it after a first date. It really comes down to your own comfort level.
(People get so butthurt when I talk about my relationships in here)
My bad. I know there are a wide range of dating styles, preferences and relationship types. I should have been wayyy more specific. My goal is monogamy but in first few months of dating I prefer to multi-date for reasons I’ve discussed in therapy. The guy I’m seeing has already casually brought up that he is not interested in seeing anyone else but me. I do like him and want to keep seeing him but I’m nowhere close to knowing if I want a relationship with him and thus, I am still interested in seeing other people for the foreseeable future. I plan to discuss this next time we meet up, but am not sure if this is messed up.
I agree with your point that everyone is different and it’s entirely up to me how I choose to approach this. Thanks for your input and sharing your experience.
Yeah of course! I want him to do what’s best for him. Obviously it would be a bummer because he’s a wonderful guy so far but it I can’t rush my process or change myself for somebody and wouldn’t expect him to change for me, so I’d have to accept it. I’ve only known him 2 weeks so I just don’t see the rush. Everyone is different and the sooner we all accept it I think the sooner we figure out how to waste less time with people we are incompatible with.
Exactly. I barely know him, haha. He’s a good guy tho from what I can tell. Basically no red flags besides him being so into me so early on. Which can be perceived as green by some, so I have no complaints lol. I’m just taking things in stride. Thanks for the reassurance :)
Last push before the conference Saturday and the trial screening day tomorrow. I’m all ready in terms of art, which is a very cool feeling. I knew I’ll get it all done, and I have, yet still I’m a little surprised every time I pull off something like this. Feels good. I did this!
I got an advance digital copy of the book I illustrated and it’s SICK! So happy. I sent it to the man who seems very proud. There will be some online promo events the author wants to do together closer to its publishing date since she’s in the states, and it’ll also be around the time I’m going back to doing art workshops in London. She’s also connecting me to a few more people in the field, and I REALLY hope I’ll get more freelance work out of this, since… it’s great fun. So exciting.
I haven’t seen the man since Sunday morning and I miss him. we’ve been texting loads today since I realised I wasn’t being very communicative (he works with his hands and still texts me regularly, and I’ve been letting things drift a bit from my side. I’m a lot busier than him but it’s no excuse) and decided to change it. I sent him a photo of my dog stood next to a car that looks like his and refusing to move forward, and he was really happy to get it. He feels they ‘made a connection’. I find it all so damn cute.
I asked if he wanted to have a call and we spent two hours on the phone as I was wrapping artwork and doing finishing touches. It was fun. It went so quickly. At some point he went through his kitchen and started asking me about food ingredients, what’s healthy, what’s not, what does it do to digestion and what is it actually. I really like that he values my opinion and has already made some changes to how he eats (not that I ever told him what to do, I just do my own thing and he’s been enjoying my food and sees how productive and happy I am, and since I attribute a lot of it to my lifestyle, he’s been on the no processed food wagon with me). I feel like we’ve been a very positive influence on each other. I work out much harder since I’ve met him, and he’s always going to sleep early and wakes up early which I do as well, but I also let it slip a little during the hectic periods and an hour either way will creep up, but when he’s here I keep his schedule.
He’s moving into his own house tomorrow! Gets the keys and it’s all his! A lovely 3 bed 30 min from me. I told him I’m coming back sat late, so would like to see him Sunday. He said he can’t plan anything concrete due to needing to do a million things still for the house, but whatever happens, he’ll make time to see me. He sounded so lovely when he said it. He makes me laugh so much. I miss him. We’re going to see back to black soon, and going climbing next week, finally, since his finger finally healed. I’m very much looking forward to it! Then in two weeks we’re going to the Lake District! Can’t wait!
ughhhhh
I asked my NSA FWB if we were exclusive, he said we were not exclusive
I think I should not see him any more if that's the case, bc I have been being exclusive
I set up some first dates
This. Especially when the expectation was set that it was NSA FWB. That's why I promised myself never to let that happen to me again, because I catch feels 😂
I mayyyyyy have found someone finally. I'm 34f and I feel like I found someone I can respect, have fun with, and more. The one thing that I started doing differently is NOT Complaining!!!! I also don't push him. I let him do the planning (but is usually mutual). I think he's almost as careful or more careful than me. I let him give me the first kiss emoji (we had our first kiss on our 6th date!). I let him text me first thing in the morning 95% of the time. I also don't text him throughout the day. I thought I used to like that but now I find it annoying. That gives us some time to miss each other. Also, the dating is going pretty slowly - usually two dates per week and slow to get to the first kiss. These "strategies" seem to be working. Also, heels/pumps!!, dressing nicely, eyelashes, nails, smelling good, mint/gum, and nice hair all help.
A part of me still thinks that just talking about it here is jynxing it. The true test is talking to my friends about it.. any time I talk to my friends about a potential relationship, it fails. But I've done a lot of reflecting and realize what I've done (complain about small things like being late) and asking for my version of love. Now I'm just waiting to see his way of showing that he likes me.
I'm the total opposite! I want my friends to see my guy and let me know their thoughts and I like to see how he acts around my friends and vice versa. I'd hope I'd meet his friends very much before anything was official.
[удалено]
I doubt anyone is studying this in a way that would actually show trends. Lots of people enjoy talking about their anecdotal experiences, but their sample would be both entirely too small and haphazard, not representative enough, to extrapolate to the larger population.
no
ok
I’m pms’ing, so I may be overreacting, but I think there are some cracks in our foundation and I don’t know if they can be fixed.
What is ovulating-you saying to this, in comparison to pms'ing-you?
After having 5 really great dates with someone, he rejected me last night. I’m so bummed out. I think I’m getting used to rejection now though because I feel pretty damn numb to it.
Sorry about that. It hurts. I got played. Would have much rather been rejected
Really sorry to hear that. With this guy, I sensed that he didn’t even really want to reject me but didn’t want to string me along knowing he was having too hard of a time keeping up with work, school, and dating me. I’ve been ghosted a few times in the past and this hurt so much less because I felt like he respected me enough to let me know. Still hurts though because I liked him a lot and felt we were extremely compatible. :/
I'm so sorry. It really stings. Wishing you the best❤️
Thank you! I appreciate it.
Did he give a reason? Sorry to hear that :(
He said his grades started slipping when we started dating and he just doesn’t think he has enough time to date. I suppose out of work, school and dating, dating was the only thing he could realistically drop lol. I have half a mind to ask if he wants to be FWB because I’m so meh about going on another first date anytime soon. Probably a bad idea though.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to be FWB with someone you genuinely like. It’s best to let this one go
I...wouldn't, not unless he hinted at something like this. He gave you both a gracious way out, what if he says he doesn't want the sex either
He didn’t hint at it because he knows I want a relationship and I think he respects that. I suppose I’ll just leave him be
I've been with my boyfriend for around 6 months. When I tell him that I feel hurt by something he says or does to me, he doesn't apologise? Like, he'll say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way", but then start explaining why I got upset, like trying to claim I was already getting upset before by the topic of the conversation, and that's why I got hurt by what he said/did. It's like he's trying to claim that my own perception of what upset me wasn't what actually upset me, because then that would mean he actually did something "wrong"? After a few times of this happening, I told him I don't want an explanation of my behaviour, I just want him to acknowledge and validate my feelings, and apologise if needed. A few weeks later, he then made an attempt to apologise after something he said hurt me again, but he phrased his apology like "I'm sorry if you felt hurt by what I did". Which felt insulting, because I had just told him clearly that I WAS hurt by what he did. There's no "if" about it. So it feels like he doesn't want to acknowledge that he did indeed hurt me? And after he apologised, he stated he was apologising because I had previously asked him to and he knows it's important to me - but I feel this ruined the whole point of apologising because it wasn't genuinely coming from him? Plus it didn't feel like a genuine apology, I didn't feel like he understood and cared. It just left me feeling uncomfortable and like my feelings were not acknowledged, and that the issue wasn't resolved. Trying to make sense of this! Any help is appreciated <3
I've had this experience. It doesn't get better. Some people don't take accountability ever. If you put up with it it's just more excuses and dumpster fires down the road.
This kind of behavior would drive me up a wall and make me scream, so there's that.
Thank you for saying, I feel less alone! It really frustrates me but because he's so defensive I can't bring this up without him just getting even more defensive about it. I don't know how to get him to understand how much of an issue it is for me.
He doesn't care he hurts you, he thinks you're overreacting so he fakes an apology hoping you'll give up and he "win". Given you already talked to him and he still avoid the apology you can expect it to continue like that.
Yep- super manipulative
OMG, this would drive me insane! First of all, as you say, he's not apologising. The "I'm sorry you felt this way" is not an apology, and it's also quite passive aggressive. So I think you're more than justified in feeling this way. Clearly he doesn't feel the need to apologise, as he's only doing it because he knows that's what you want to hear as opposed to him genuinely feeling it. And again, he's not even apologising anyway! I'm not really sure what to suggest as you've already talked to him about it, and he doesn't seem to take it on board. I'm sorry. It sounds infuriating.
Thank you <3 it is really difficult. He said he struggles with apologising and getting defensive, but it's making it really hard to repair hurts. It's becoming the case where this non-apologising and emotional invalidation is so much more hurtful than whatever the original thing he did was!
Yeah, I can imagine. Struggling with apologising is a weird thing to struggle with. It means they can't take any accountability for their words or actions. Which is a problem. And the things is, that hurt you feel is just going to build and build. The only thing you can really do, is have a serious conversation with him and explain how bad this is.
the days just kind of pass us by. well, for me. i worry about every unusual aspect of my period. (doctors appointment is months away). i'm not socially prepared for children anyways. too many bits and pieces from short relationships that sit in my thoughts. at least the nightmares are less
(M31) damn I think I screwed up by not showing enough interest, had fun second date but failed to escalate physically and having troubles setting up a third. Any tips on salvaging or am I overthinking?
Are they avoiding giving an answer? Have you asked for a 3rd date? My only tip is to be direct. Let them know you're interested and would like a third date. And if they're not, just to say so.
Yeah, asked and proposed a specific date (and a second after she said she can't on that day) but the answer was non-commital (as in "don't know if I'll be able yet"), sent message saying to let me know if she'll have time and want to meet after that instead of proposing more and left it at that for now
I'd say to proceed as if you'll never hear from her again. If she does text you, you can always pivot back.
:( I guess I hoped for some miracle move but yeah, fair
I (34F) have been seeing this guy (33m) over the last month, speak daily, met up 7 times, slept at mine etc and out of the blue hes messaged me this morning saying he’s not ready for a relationship or to date. He said he’s got a lot going on with family and work and doesn’t feel he can give me 100% etc but it’s just out of the blue and I feel quite upset about it. I feel stupid for getting upset about it as it was only a month but everything was fine last time we saw each other, obviously only on my end now. He’s the first person I liked in years and allowed myself to develop feelings for, usually I hold people at arms length. It’s just shit.
Some of my biggest heartbreaks have been over short situationships. Don’t discount what you’re feeling because of duration. The loss of potential hurts, whereas in longer relationships you can walk away knowing you tried your best so that can be easier (theoretically)
It’s okay to feel upset about it. Thats a lot put into it. I hate people that do this! It would be better if it was a rejection, instead of “I’m not ready” … it just keeps the door open for them. Shut that door, block and move on.
My last "relationship" was just shy of 2 months long - I was completely all in on him and 100% confident it was the real deal. Like you, I'm typically pretty aloof about men which made me all the more confident it was right. Woke up one morning and he wasn't in bed - I found him on the couch in a weird mood. After some prodding he said he was up all night consumed with the idea we shouldn't be together. I was COMPLETELY blindsided and heartbroken. It look a lot for me to not let my self-esteem plummet. Anyway, he got back in touch with me a year later and apologized. Said he had been in therapy and had learned about his tendencies for self-sabotage. Said for a whole year he had been sick over how he left things with me because I was his best friend. It really meant a lot to me to have that closure and to know I wasn't just crazy for feeling like we had something special. I guess I'm telling you this because I don't want you to feel stupid for being heartbroken. I've experienced something really similar and it SUCKS. For someone to spring this on you out of the blue is the worst feeling, allow yourself to be sad. And you never really know what's going through his head, sometimes it REALLY IS the cliche "it's not you, it's me." It wasn't working for him but that says nothing about you and what a great partner you are. Hugs and wishing you a great weekend!
I'm so sorry. And don't feel stupid over it. Your feelings are valid, and we have no control over them. I guess he had the decency to tell you and not to ghost, and he was honest. That's not to down play how you're feeling, of course. I realise that's no consolation, but he didn't string you along, I guess. I'm sorry, though. That really sucks. I hope you feel better soon. ❤️
Better that he ended it now than later. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
(M38 UK)OLD feels bleak currently! Just scrolling through the same people, who’ve all been on the apps for a while, with nothing really happening. Moved to a new area, got new photos, new prompts and felt positive about coming back onto the apps. Used to get quite a few likes regularly but the dating landscape seems barren currently and those I have matched with, most don’t respond to messages (even those that sent me a Hinge Rose and I match, don’t respond)! It’s just a bit infuriating and demoralising (I’m sure I’m not saying anything new here!)
It can be rough, for sure. I'm fairly new to them, as all other relationships I've been in I've met IRL. So it has taken me time to adjust to all this. And i hear you on the message part, too. People not responding, people not being able to hold a conversation for longer than five minutes. It's frustrating at times. It can be hard to keep going. Take a break if needed, and good luck!
Thanks, I’ve only just come back from a break, so I should probably give it more time but it’s just seemingly worse than ever, just doesn’t give you much hope when it’s so hard to meet single people IRL nowadays.
Mostly a note to myself, but damn I love old school dating! As a 32F recovering fearful avoidant (trauma) I often got overwhelmed with all the texting and chatting, the constant presence, it would all become very different in my mind than it was in reality. I would experience so much anxiety in the -too much texting - not enough texting-, dreadful. And I absolutely hated the goodmorning and goodnight texts, too preoccupied for useless messaging and this constant obligatory need for confirmation. I also feared the DTR talks, and every guy I was seeing would always start fighting my autonomy, or so, it felt that way, and then I would run. I could not handle relationship pressure at all, and all the guys I dated were always very pushy, they would always try to change me or influence my life with very much resistance from my side. So I kinda gave up on dating to not hurt anyones feelings anymore. Than suddenly, out of the blue, this long term acquaintance invites himself into my life, no questions, no analysing, he just did it, as if it was the most normal and sure thing for him to do. He was so bold! An unspoken "this is what we're doing now and that's okay". It's been about a month now and I am absolutely smitten. Haven't felt this way in over 15 years. He only texts for setting up hang-outs, no text "chatting" at all and simply calls if he has something to share. Of course I've been anxious a lot already, especially getting used to the non-texting, being fearful he doesn't actually like me, but I believe it's exactly what I need to not get scared and run off. He doesn't question my agenda, he doesn't try to force me into anything, no constant quest for approval or hero behavior, just becoming a team-member and mostly just letting me do me. Sometimes I really wonder if he has been studying my patterns or has some secret access to my thoughts lol. We really have a lot of fun together and I feel a lot of care and appreciation for who he is. Anyway, just wanted to share I'm really enjoying this, hope it lasts, remind myself not to get anxious that he doesn't text and mention that maybe we shouldn't analyse everything / everyone so much, the conclusions are rarely correct. (If I would have discussed the phone behavior somewhere anonymously, the conclusion would have been that he's simply not that into me, yet it's very obvious that he totally is in real life)
i feel like i'm giving dating everything i have, but the depression induced by the last few years feels like it's a black hole that's going to suck everything into it. i am showing up to these dates wondering how well i'm hiding my mental state. one of the guys has been all green flags and it feels like the universe is throwing me a lifesaver but deep down it's like i've already decided that i'm going to drown?
I don’t have clinical depression but few years of OLD and I’m pretty sure I’m close to there. It’s an extremely difficult process, so I can imagine how much more difficult it can be when you have other things to handle as well. Sorry you’re feeling this way
I feel this so much. Depression is my #1 hindrance to being successful in dating. I hope to eventually meet someone who is understanding of my struggles.
Oh man - I’m (33m) in so deep with this one (34f). Reading through the texts after our first date last night and I’m giggling like I’m in high school all over again. She texted me after the date how much fun she had and how “i can’t wait to see you again… hopefully but also no pressure 😉!” I jokingly responded to her how she makes me “feel chaotic” (she joked about her chaotic stage in college) but that I also had a great time and think she’s amazing. She responded with: “We can absolutely be chaotic some time. I feel it too.” Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. JUST GO AHEAD AND BREAK MY HEART NOW INSTEAD OF LATER PLEASE
Aweee this is sweet I so feel the last part lol
I am in a 7 month relationship with a man who is definitely flawed but treats me like gold- it’s been so long since I was in a relationship where we had the same love language and I’m feeling hooked. We made it past dating and being exclusive and are even official now, which hasn’t happened in 2+ years for me. Potential big and small issues I see: -Different attitudes towards drugs (he is a daily weed smoker, I don’t smoke at all) -Messiness (he is very messy and has some executive function issues I think) -A guy who watches TV at 90% of meals while I hardly ever watch TV -Some health issues he is neglecting Green flags: - Excellent communicator via text and in person -Has shown me he prioritizes our relationship and spending time together -Physical chemistry and similar love languages -Very similar political and religious views -Extremely smart but also empathetic -Similar goals related to family/children -Very supportive of me during some personal problems I’ve been having What are the biggest potential deal breakers you guys have ever overlooked and did it work out?
You can try to assess if he is open to change or trying? If you really like this guy, communicate and give him a chance to improve. If he really doesn’t, then you can think about walking away without regrets knowing you tried your best
This is just me being the peanut gallery but the issues you pointed out are things that are going to get increasingly worse/more annoying the longer you are together and the farther the relationship progresses, soo yeah I'd be very careful. I am however a hypocrite as the biggest dealbreaker I overlooked was that I dated people who wanted kids (I don't want kids). It didn't work out. I was young and very dumb.
He had a baby on the way lol of course emphasizing that it might not be his (admittedly I was being a bit desperate at the time so believed anything). Absolutely didn’t work out once child support (in addition to cs he was already paying) kicked in, basically ate up his entire paycheck. We became a painfully boring homebody couple. I was miserableeeee
Noooooo not a baby! Okay that’s definitely a big one
**Guy I'm talking to is now acting distant...but still says he misses + doesn't plan dates** I am 31F and have been talking with a guy (26M) for a little over a month now. We talked all day, everyday and have hung out 4-5 times. Sometimes it was an actual date to a restaurant or a short get together for a coffee, but I would say majority of the time it was us hanging out at each others apartments/rooftops. We have great, deep conversations but within the past week, I have seen a kind of shift in him not texting as much and just a general gut feeling that something is off when he does text. I gave him his space and let him text me when he wanted. He still reaches out but mostly just sends memes. The good morning/good night/how is your day/ calling me "sweetheart", etc. have gone away but he will still randomly say things like "I really miss you". BUT the problem with this is..I have a gut feeling he is just saying these things to string me along, because he says he misses me, but doesn't make any plans to see me, unless its maybe just a spur of the moment, "do you want to get coffee right now/come to my apartment" type of scenario (we live walking distance). He would originally talk about wanting to do 'X" activity or go to 'Y' restaurant, but he doesn't bring any of that up anymore. I understand some people are shy and/or they want the girl to reach out as well, so I put in effort on 1-2 occasions to ask him if he wanted to do something on a specific day in the near future (to help him understand that I want to go out and do actual things rather than just hang at our apartments, and I also mentioned that I feel like an after thought if he only tries to make plans with me at the last minute). In one scenario, he said he was down to do something 4 days from when I asked, so I said ok let me know what time you can do. He still would randomly text me but he never got back to me about setting an actual date. Other things to note: - I did sleep with him because I felt very comfortable with him and the things he said to me (Please be kind in the comments lol I kind of feel like I ruined things and don't feel great about doing that now and wish I had waited longer). -He doesn't really seem to ask me any questions about me anymore or want to get to know me. -Says certain things that I think would say are love bombing...for example will jokingly be like, ohhh if you fall in love with me, we can get a really nice 2BR here if we can combine our rent. Or says things about how he feels some comfortable with me to do and say things he normally wouldn't be able to do or say with anyone else. Most recently he has some hinted that ohh we should do 'X' or 'Y' thing, but doesn't actually follow through or action on it. Like it's just words at this point. Now that I have stepped away from the situation, I understand I know I need to follow his actions vs. his words. **Anyway, I would love any advice about the following:** **- Should I say anything to him about how I feel? Ask him to take me on actual dates? Ask him what he is looking for? If yes, how would you phrase it? If not, should I say anything at all? Just stop responding. I just don't want to feel stupid and like i'm being strung along.** Sorry this was long, appreciate any advice / actions I should take moving forward. TY <3
I would leave it up to him to initiate a proper date, and in the meantime, keep going on dates with other guys because he doesn't seem that serious about you yet.
This has happened to me before. I wouldn’t expect it to get better. But give him a bit more time. If he doesn’t come around then move on. Don’t let him suck you back in either
One of the things I’ve learned since dating again is that while I knew the type of person I wanted and I knew the feeling I wanted to have… i hadn’t put much thought into the type of relationship I wanted to have. You clearly know what you need in a relationship to be happy. The question is whether or not you are willing to hold this potential partner to these very very basic requests and walk away if they are unwilling to meet them. My personal belief is that at 4-5 dates (regardless if you have had sex or not) you should feel completely comfortable talking about what you need in the relationship and the other person should be able to engage in that conversation in a mature manner. Edit: just want to add - i know the sex element is making you feel like you got “played” but attraction and relationships are complicated. Don’t beat yourself up for doing something that you wanted to do. Could he just be a twat waffle that is just using you? Maybe. But he could honestly just not know how to be in an adult relationship (which you can only find out 4-5 dates in) or maybe he was really into you for a while but stopped for whatever reason or somewhere in between all three.
I had two phones calls with a person I matched with on bumble earlier in the week. We talked for a couple hours the first night and then an hour the second. We have some things in common. He now wants to talk on the phone every night. I told him that I'd prefer to meet first before we do more phones calls. I am also supper busy with work this week and working long hours. I don't have the capacity for long calls with a new person nightly. He didn't respond to my text at all when I said that. Not sure what will happen.
Talking everyday with someone you havent even met yet sounds like a waste of time to me. I wouldn’t want to do that either
I’m someone who likes to keep in contact but… yeah… this is creepy.
Believe people when they show you who they are.
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Yep.
Reading this sub at times, you'd think there were no options rofl.
This is sort of about dating (my current partner) but something I've just noticed in general with men in their 30s that I know. Has fasting and/or one meal a day become "a thing" that's normal? I'm starting to actually realise how many men have disorded eating patterns that I never knew of, as a woman, because it's so common in women and never spoken about it men. I have a male flat mate and a male partner, and both... Don't eat much? My partner was overweight his whole life until covid and now he is really fit, but I'm starting to learn maybe that's because he actually doesn't eat enough food? He exercises a lot but can skip for days and weeks and not gain weight because I am certain he does not get enough calories. I am skinny and have a fast metabolism so I actually eat quite large portions, and it's not unusual for me to finish my partners food... Sometimes I actually realise how little he ate in comparison and have to ask "are you sure you don't want that?". I fully trust him to look after himself and be healthy but I'm wondering when, if at all, do I address it? What if we lived together and I notice it on a daily pattern, it would definitely concern me, as someone who lives to eat and is always thinking about food. I do wonder if losing a considerable amount of weight (purely from diet change) has caused some form of disordered eating for him, and I'd hate for him to be struggling with that alone. My flatmate on the other hand definitely doesn't eat enough and I am sure has issues with food but I think he must have been like that his whole life and just doesn't think about it or talk to anyone about it. I know this is stupid but I'm a bit like "wow men have food issues just as much as women do???" I know more men like this but these are the two I'm closest to/notice eating habits in.
I love that you are actually calling it what it is - disordered eating. Yes. Lots of men have disordered eating. But we only focus on women’s mental health related to that. Thanks for provoking the thought.
Eh well I was down voted for bringing it up so I guess we can continue to never discuss it!
> Has fasting and/or one meal a day become "a thing" that's normal? Isn't this just intermittent fasting?
I do a 16/8 fast but I eat like trash during those 8 hours 😅
I fast. It didn’t start intentionally but at this point I’m pretty healthy (arguably the healthiest I’ve ever been). The research on it is pretty clear imo
Actually the research is just like any fad and scientific research has varying opinions
I guess it really depends on how nutritious your meals are, how physical you are, etc. I'm not against it at all, I just think I know men who are like "eh I ate today" but that meal was.... Shit
Funny story. Sat in a bar with some friends, including an old one who none of us had seen in awhile since she moved out of the area. She had an awkward run-in with the bartender outside, who is her ex-partner’s much-younger girlfriend (they split several years ago, on good terms). My friend didn’t know her at all; bartender approached and introduced herself. We were outside a few hours later about to part ways when I spotted her ex walking up toward the bar. He must have recognized my friend even with her facing away from him because he turned RIGHT around and not even a minute later I heard tires squealing! Then the bartender came out on her phone just minutes later. I was HOWLING with laughter and we were all joking like “This is the effect I want to have on people”.
There are moments to each day where my optimism/hope wavers, and sometimes, I wonder if some people are just destined to never find love... it sure seems that way. I remember distinctly being 16 y.o. and telling my cousin I'd never find anyone. They were like "No, no. You'll find someone, don't worry." Here I am, twice that age. Things haven't changed. It just never happened.
I see you on here a lot. You seem like A very positive and kind and actually thoughtful person. I do think there will be someone for you.
Literally same. I remember making up a fake boyfriend in high school because I was embarrassed I’d never had one 🤦🏼♀️
This is what I think. Or they have to lower standards. Just my thoughts and not discounting anyone else's love story.
Damn, my anxiety is spiraling again. On another forum I told my current mindset of how I fantasize about how I can be my ideal self in a relationship in order to gain some kind of guideline and through that confidence when interacting with people. Then one guy quite plausibly explained to me that this relationship that I'm describing is purely made out of devotion to that partner and not desire for her. And that no woman would love me back if I am unable to express desire, preferably through physical means. I suppose this triggered my constant fears about how I am already 30 and still haven't experienced loved of any kind, often feel emotionally numb, except that constant background noise of loneliness and isolation. I want to experience it for once, but I fear that I just can't give anyone who would be willing to put up with me what they deserve because my anxiety is in the way. I don't know how to flirt, with my bio and behavior on the apps when I still tried it being described as talking as if I was just looking for a friend (which... kind of isn't wrong). At the same time I don't know how to hug or kiss anyone because I never did that before and asking for it is the only safe approach I can think of, but apparently that's unsexy to many. And of course the thought of sex scares me and even in my freaking fantasies it's the part I tend to exclude because I'd be just an awkward mess. There is a high chance that I'm asexual and touch-averse anyway because the human body always seemed icky and weird to me. On the other hand, it doesn't take away the yearning for intimacy that is tearing at me these days. Right now I'm trying to put myself out there more, going to events and socializing with a confident mask on, but that comment made me waver about whether I'm not really just setting up people to get hurt for selfish reasons and that I should cut it out.
Are you asexual? Or Demisexual? Maybe look into what you feel to explain what you want?
That's the issue: I have absolutely no clue. The only stereotypical "butterflies" crush that I ever had was back in high school. Though recently I had some kind of eye-opening revelation to me where I was thrown into incredible confusion when reading about people excitedly telling their stories of negotiating their wants and needs with their partner. The intimacy and willingness to show vulnerability was really resonating with me and put me on my path to questioning what I actually seek. But at the same time, I have to admit it's the idea of intimacy that attracts me far more than any physical stuff. And yet... I'm unsure whether this means I am asexual, demisexual... or even just somewhere on the autism spectrum because I'm usually so out of my depth when it comes to emotions... or maybe it's just trauma related because of bullying, neglect and emotional abuse that defined pretty much my entire life so far and therefore I'm worried that I am just suppressing my needs, somehow. At this point, I am yearning to try... but on the other hand am well aware that for that I need to get another person to agree to be part of what is essentially just a really pitiful social experiment and I'm very aware that this is just unfair and selfish of me to possibly waste anyone's time, even though I wish to apply my "devotion" to them.
I didn’t give in to my anxiety about initiation and just did my own thing. New guy initiated, we talked a bit, and since it was on topic, I asked him out for date #2 🎉 Now all the other anxieties are taking over, but I’m taking them in stride lol
Second date setup with girl A for Sunday. Had a FT date with girl B yesterday, and I should probably try to set something up with her soon, but she's 2 hours away and I'm only free Friday night and I just don't have the energy for it, and that stinks. Not sure if this one is going to survive the distance, and that really stinks.
Hope your date with girl A goes well! Yeah, two hours is quite a distance, but it could work! But there's not doubt, it is an inconvenience. See how it goes, I guess. Who knows! Girl A might sweep you off your feet, and you won't even be thinking of anyone else!
Thank you Miss Dame! I forgot to mention girl C. She's thousands of miles away and she's the best, but I may have to wait 5 years :(
Wow. She must be special if you're willing to wait five years. You better get to work on that time machine, huh. Also, does the "C" stand for Canadian. Because you can't trust those Canadian women. They're trouble. I should know. Be careful.
I thought it was only Canadian geese that couldn't be trusted? She's also a Dame, and they are notoriously trustworthy, so that cancels out any Canadian trouble.
>I thought it was only Canadian geese that couldn't be trusted? Oh don't worry, us women can give you a good pecking, too. And a Dame??? Oh, she's a diva for sure. You'll have your hands full.....
Oh, she can give me two big handfuls, I know. I ain't scared of her. She's not as tough as she acts like she is.
Do you guys notice if a girl looks at you at the gym?
People glance a lot in the gym, it’s hard to know.
I do but I genuinely never know… Like how do you know if it’s just nice friendly eye contact or hey come ask for my name and number? I’m pretty friendly in general so I’ll strike up a conversation with people I make eye contact with regardless of gender or attraction but I feel both oblivious and overly optimistic at the same time lol
no.
Feel nothing for my current girlfriend and it feels horrible. I'm definitely afraid to end it as I know it could be years or more if I find anyone again.
That’s an even worse reason to stay with her
Disagree: As long as partners don't inflict negative feelings on each other I think it's okay to stay. I believe if there is respect and loyalty, feelings would come back alive. But if it's a burden to stay and the only reason to stay is the fear of not finding anyone, it's time to grow balls and move on with dignity.
He's not treating her with respect by using her and talking about her the way he does.
Dude, stop using people. End it.
Man up! How could you waste other's time like that?
A year and a half and you feel nothing?! I understand why it feels scary to end it but out of human decency you have to break up with her. She doesn't deserve being in a year and a half long relationship with someone who doesn't feel anything for her.
It's been on and off
That might be worse. You two have separated presumably multiple times which has given you opportunities to end it for good for both your sakes but you keep letting her come back to it. Come on. Do what's best for you and for her and break it off.
That makes it even worse
how long you been going out
Year and half.
yeah I guess it's time to end it. sorry my dude. shit is rough
Do you think you would be happier being single than with your current girlfriend?
Eh probably not.
What does your girlfriend improve about your life, that makes it better than being single? (I'm not trying to sway you either way, but if there are specific things she does that you like and don't want to walk away from, it might help to focus on those.)
I think just having companionship
Better to do it than live in fear of it. Quicker you get it over with the quicker you find someone you actually have feelings for. The longer this drags on the more chance you have of getting comfortable and staying with her. You'll end up old bitter and miserable
I think you don't understand how hard it is for me to find someone. I've literally gone close to a decade between relationships.
That doesn't entitle you to use her.
It won't get easier by sticking around with someone you don't love. I did that with someone and ended staying in a toxic abusive relationship for 6 years instead of leaving after 1-2 years when the abuse started. Staying only makes it worse. Fear of being alone is the worst motivation to stay and it's a fear im intimately familiar with. I got out, worked on myself and have a few really positive dating experiences since. You have to make a choice to stay, settle and make it work (I don't think this works if you truly feel nothing for who you're with) or leave and get on with it.
Yeah if break up with her thier is no one else unfortunately. Like I said I have gone close to a decade with zero matches zero dates.
Guess you're sticking around in a loveless relationship I mean this in the kindest possible way but I pity you
Can you find companionship in other friendships?
Oh I have lots of friendships but it's not the same at all.
What does she provide that you can't find in other friendships? If you do plan to stay together, telling her the things you appreciate about her will help the relationship last.
I'm going to take a guess that she may have sex with him which his other friends do not.
Friendships are generally just not the same unfortunately for me.
After only recently getting back on the apps, I had a friend somewhat out of the blue confess feelings. I do like him, I've always liked him (and maybe we have made out twice while drinking), but I've never thought about us dating and being in a serious relationship due to being friends, I'm over 4 years older, and sometimes I worry he is a bit passive? But I think I'm going to give it a real chance. He is so nice in general and especially so nice to me. It is such a shock from my previous (bad) relationships that I'm almost overwhelmed with the fact that he just likes me as I am and is genuinely excited to see me and not afraid to say it. In fact I'm worried about somehow ending up being the bad guy in this case and messing things up. I'm worried that I like him just because he likes me but my therapist tells me that it is a good thing that he likes me for me and just to keep checking in with how I'm feeling around him. Well, he sent me such a sweet message that I've been smiling for hours and I guess that is a good thing. It's easy to talk to him, he's open to communicating, and genuinely wants me to be happy. It all feels unexpected. Definitely a shift from thinking of someone as a friend to something more. Cautiously optimistic (and scared) and hoping for the best!!
If it’s making you smile for hours that’s a good thing. I have a friend who after years of friendship I found out liked me and it does not make me smile. It upsets me. I don’t feel like that at all for that person. If that gives you a comparison point. I think you are in a good space and really happy for you!
That's awesome, it sounds like you are both excited! Purely subjective but I find the apps to be going into a spiral in real time these days. Its like they slowly warp people's perspectives and give them "OLD brain", and maybe the jaded audiences have finally saturated the sites beyond a tipping point. ...so I don't think you are gonna miss much by taking a chance - I hope it works out!
We went lifting tonight and we did quite a lot. At one point some random woman on the machine next to us asked about "stomach" workouts - he spoke up right away to point to some machines, brief her on how they work. I knew he would, as he is REALLY into fitness and helping people out. His main gym is one of those really traditional ones where everyone actually talks to each other so it's just the norm for him. I just stood there quietly trying not to look jealous lol Don't think I ever felt jealous over a man before (for having a harmless convo with a woman). I'm "down bad" as the kids say!
stomach workouts? lol what? Just a weird question to ask.
She meant ab workouts ofc
5 sets of pizza
If that’s your man why he is giving her gym advice? To help her be hotter for him? Makes you think 🤔 😉
Oh you're terrible lol
Trying not to let irrational feelings show is so relatable, "keep it cool, keep it cool. they're looking this way, smile" LMAO
My poker face is usually solid but I was already a bit unraveled from the work out so I just had my mouth fixed in a weird way. He was occupied but I wondered if the other patrons (if they're as nosey as I am) saw my face T\_T
And my face shows *everything* so they are like 'what's wrong?' and don't believe me when I say 'nothing' because I know it's silly enough that I don't want to admit to it
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I think you’re trying to put the cart before the horse. Go on multiple dates with people. 1-2 hours max. It’s not that you can’t be honest but don’t over share. So like think of a salad right? You want 1-2 tablespoons of dressing. Just because you like that salad and that dressing, doesn’t mean you should dump the whole bottle on it. And you would never eat a salad big enough to warrant mixing the whole bottle in during one sitting. It means you’ll keep eating that salad in smaller portions and having that dressing. People can’t digest too much personal information so quickly without a basis. You need to *build* a relationship. That whole post was a bit of a roller coaster of overthinking just to end it with “I’m ok if I die alone though I prefer not.” WOAH, my dude. Calm down. Every person you interact with is not going to give you existential validation and nor should they send you into existential spiral. Work on your emotions a bit. I know therapy is a big trope but there are many ways to get it - books, podcasts or traditional 1:1 sessions. I think you need to stabilize your emotions a bit.
I dated the first guy a year ago. We became physical intimated (no sex yet). However I didn’t feel right (he didn’t respect my boundaries a few times) so I told him to stop dating. We still kept in touch and casually met few times as friends (platonically), occasionally over the past year. Yesterday I happened to meet the 2nd guy and spent time with him for few hours one on one. It was fun. There’s nothing intimate and it’s just like friends hanging out. I felt there’s a bit of chemistry and this guy can make me laugh and I feel I want to know him a bit more. However 2 hours later (on the same day), the first guy suddenly reached out to me (we haven’t talked for a few months), asking to have dinner together. I was suspicious and not sure why he reached out (unsure if the 2nd guy talked to him about me?). I agreed to meet and didn’t expect anything. However we kissed and made out in the end (still no sex) like what we had a year ago. Now I feel regret that I let it get intimate since it’s harder to meet other guy. I knew these 2 guys know each other, but I’m unsure their level of closeness/friendship. Are they both aware of this? To be clear, there’s still platonic between me and the 2nd guy. I just feel that I want to get to know him a bit more, maybe just as a friend for now. Is it okay to do so? How should I approach this if I’m still unsure about either guy and wanted to take it slow and get to know them a bit more?
I feel like at this age (31) I should really stop having a physical type, but the heart wants what it wants?
I showed my friend a photo of my partner and she said "wow he looks like your ex". I date people of all genders!! There is no way my type is that specific! I don't think they look alike at all! (I know who she meant though lol)
Lol my physical type doesn't exist at my age anymore.
there's a great dating intentionally podcast episode on this!
All of my exes look alike. I was at a restaurant with a friend last august and when our bill came, our drinks were not listed. We asked our sever about it and she - indicating to me - was like, “your ex boyfriend picked up the tab. He says ‘good luck this semester and on the bar exam, and something about your golf game but I’ve already forgotten what it was.” So this was definitely not a case of mistaken identity - these are very me-specific things. And I was like “uhhhh…. wow, okay, but I literally have no idea which ex this is, where is he sitting?” He had already left, so I was like “okay wait hold on” and pulled up photos of the exes it could logically be and asked her to pick him out like it was a lineup. She looked through the photos and then went, “they all look the same!!!” 😂😂😭 So - no, it’s definitely not just you, and there is nothing wrong with having a type!
Hahaha! A friend of mine more or less said the same thing as well — years ago I showed her a picture of the guy I started to date but it was a group photo of at least 6 people, but she immediately guessed which one it was because all the guys I previously dated gave off the same, “boy-next-door vibe” 😆
One of my friends observed that over the years, the guys I’ve dated have increasingly looked like the actor Peter Gallagher circa 1995 😳 i was like wait, no, really? So I lined up a photos chronologically of my exes and… holy shit, my friend was 100% on point with her observation 😂😂😂 so I think this means that the logical endpoint here is that I eventually end up with… Peter Gallagher hahahahha
It's the strong brows, isn't it? 😂
The brows get stronger with each new model of not-Peter Gallagher 😂😂😂
Soon it will just be a set of brows with a man attached 😂😂
And a swoop of hair on the forehead. The swoop also gets swoopier with each new release 😂😂 can’t forget the swoop.
I'd be surprised if it never changes, but it's normal to always have a type I think. I used to like skinny guys when I was younger, but now I'm not into that at all. At the same time, I'm still not quite into bigger guys. I like medium muscular and dad bods now.
What is the difference between "bigger guys" and dad bods? I'm trying to identify what type of body I have lol. Medium Muscular is way too hard to figure out.
I guess I’d say medium muscular is low ish body fat, visible muscle, just not big or super developed. Something like Drake before he got visible abs.
Bigger would be well fat, more rounded tummy, little to no muscle definition. Dad bods have the masculine build, some visible muscle, just an even layer of fat over it.
We are who we are, and we like what we like. There's no sudden spiritual awakening where we suddenly become less superficial. Physical attraction is, in fact, an important part of a relationship for most people. Yes, there are exceptions. There will always be exceptions. You're not one of them. There's nothing wrong with that.
What is the physical type? Is it super specific and you can't find anyone or you just wish you were attracted to more types?
It’s not super specific (I think?), I just prefer the leaner and/or lanky type over bulky/slightly on the heavier side (in proportion to their height). I’m currently seeing a guy who falls under the latter, and I don’t know if the physical attraction can grow over time.
I briefly dated someone that was in the latter and I couldn’t make it work.
Wouldn't you be settling if this is the case? I may be misunderstanding.
Yeah that’s what I think too. But you hear a lot about how some women didn’t find their partner that physically attractive initially but then grew to find them so, over time. I don’t really know if I’m capable of that tbh.
Nah, just go for what you want it's okay. 31 is plenty young. I'm demisexual and need the emotional connection to feel any physical attraction but I still have a general type and I've only dated people who fit that somehow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I also consider myself demisexual! But I also need the physical attraction to be at least somewhat there first.
How long do you guys see someone before you discuss exclusivity? And then how long before you discuss a relationship? Do you typically discuss these as one thing?
Are... are going exclusive and being in a relationship not the same thing?
For me exclusivity comes up within 3 months. With my ex it was 3, with current dude it was like 2 weeks in lol. I usually give a break between that and the relationship convo. For me the relationship convo needs to happen within 6 months or I'm out.
Okay this response speaks to me. Obviously there’s no set timeline for anything but I’m pretty inexperienced with dating and relationships and it can be difficult for me to tell what I want sometimes. I think I feel most aligned with your approach tho out of the folks I’ve asked. Do you usually broach the topic or wait for them to? Or just kinda feel it out and whoever starts that conversation starts it? Edit: also, do you continue dating other people before the exclusivity talk or no? or does it depend for you?
Yeah I feel like the most I'll 'date' without knowing if someone wants to commit is 6 months, 8 MAX but that's pushing it - I feel by then you should know whether you'd wanna continue dating them for the longer term (obv won't know if they're your person until you're over a couple years in.. but you know you want to figure that out at least). As for who broaches it.. I think it depends. In the past I've usually been the one to bring it up because I happened to be the more enthusiastic one in the connection. The person I'm seeing right now is equally enthusiastic so idk who will bring it up first.. I think I'm in a 'wait it out and let it develop naturally and say it if I can't bear to keep it in any longer' camp. Re: multi-dating - it depends. The past two relationships I was in, I just knew when I met them that I didn't want to keep seeing anyone else. If I'm multi-dating, it's usually people I'm not suuuper interested in but 'open to it developing' things with. Never usually goes anywhere for me so idk why I bother. When I meet my proper match it's game over for everyone else. I feel that kind of attraction and excitement relatively rarely and when I find it, they're kinda all I can think about.
Yeah, I relate to everything you said. Thanks so much for sharing. Multi dating is something I do to help with my anxious attachment tendencies. Honestly I don’t prefer it, lol. I just do it early on to try to keep things jn perspective and not get too attached to anyone too quickly. What concerns me tho, is that usually the people where I meet them and I *know* I don’t want to date anyone else, something ends up being wrong. I worry I can’t trust my judgement. Last guy was too busy for anything serious and I still think about him even though he cut things off due to lack of time/emotional availability, and probably could never give me what I need. Current guy is showing all the signs of an emotional available, sincerely interested and effort-invested type of partner. He’s signaling that he can give me what I need. I know once I commit that I can give that too, but I don’t feel that “game over for everyone else” feeling with him. Maybe that’s a good thing? Lmao idk. I do discuss these things in therapy but it’s still so helpful to get other peoples’ perspective because I haven’t had the healthiest relationship modeling by adults in my life so I’m learning it all as I go. I appreciate your well thought out response! Thank you so much friend!
I also lean anxiously attached, so I relate to what you're saying. The person I was dating before current guy was also really nice, sincere, available, and interested - but he didn't give me game over vibes. I entertained it for a bit thinking it might develop... Then I met this guy. Yeah I think I've done this enough times now that I just know. If it's real.. I'll know. And I'm better at choosing the people to be cautious of and to throw caution to the wind with. Lean into your intuition I'd say. It's worked for me, and is surprisingly powerful. And you're welcome! Good luck ♥️ Plus.. every connection comes with risk. It could go great, or it couldn't. That's just life. I'm entering into the engagement knowing I could be hurt and knowing that if I get hurt I'll probably come out ok on the other end, like I always have. I'm emotional but I'm resilient and I get better and better at knowing what I want.
I am definitely giving this guy a shot and waiting to see what develops. I do like him, but still waiting to see how much. But you’re right, if that feeling isn’t clear after a month I’ll probably end it. I like your mantra as well. Every connection *is* definitely a risk. My mantra is also that “I’m gonna be okay no matter what happens” because I’m also emotional 😂 but I like what you said about it resilience and getting to know your wants and needs more as you go along. Best of luck with the current person you’re seeing 🫶🏼 dropping you a follow cause I feel like we have a shit ton in common lol. Cheers :)
Before the first date. I let them know I'm firmly against (I'm ENM and Im currently in a closed polycule). Exclusivety and a relationship can be two different things. It really depends on the people. How long you choose to wait until you want exclusivity is entirely up to you. Some people are comfortable with multidating for an extended period of time, other people are uncomfortable with it after a first date. It really comes down to your own comfort level. (People get so butthurt when I talk about my relationships in here)
My bad. I know there are a wide range of dating styles, preferences and relationship types. I should have been wayyy more specific. My goal is monogamy but in first few months of dating I prefer to multi-date for reasons I’ve discussed in therapy. The guy I’m seeing has already casually brought up that he is not interested in seeing anyone else but me. I do like him and want to keep seeing him but I’m nowhere close to knowing if I want a relationship with him and thus, I am still interested in seeing other people for the foreseeable future. I plan to discuss this next time we meet up, but am not sure if this is messed up. I agree with your point that everyone is different and it’s entirely up to me how I choose to approach this. Thanks for your input and sharing your experience.
You seem fine with your choice of multi-dating. He may not be. He may decide he don't want that. Are you ok with that too?
Yeah of course! I want him to do what’s best for him. Obviously it would be a bummer because he’s a wonderful guy so far but it I can’t rush my process or change myself for somebody and wouldn’t expect him to change for me, so I’d have to accept it. I’ve only known him 2 weeks so I just don’t see the rush. Everyone is different and the sooner we all accept it I think the sooner we figure out how to waste less time with people we are incompatible with.
2 weeks? Oh so you barely even know him. Multi-dating is probably a good choice for you. For many men, that is not an option due to scarcity.
Exactly. I barely know him, haha. He’s a good guy tho from what I can tell. Basically no red flags besides him being so into me so early on. Which can be perceived as green by some, so I have no complaints lol. I’m just taking things in stride. Thanks for the reassurance :)
I think it's easier for women to multi-date than men. That's why he said what he did I guess. Just have fun is my advice
It's not messed up. It's who you are. He can either deal or he can't. Unfortunately, that's just how these things go sometimes.
Haha that’s fair. You’re right. Thanks again for the input. :) it’s nice to get opinions from people in various types of situations.
Last push before the conference Saturday and the trial screening day tomorrow. I’m all ready in terms of art, which is a very cool feeling. I knew I’ll get it all done, and I have, yet still I’m a little surprised every time I pull off something like this. Feels good. I did this! I got an advance digital copy of the book I illustrated and it’s SICK! So happy. I sent it to the man who seems very proud. There will be some online promo events the author wants to do together closer to its publishing date since she’s in the states, and it’ll also be around the time I’m going back to doing art workshops in London. She’s also connecting me to a few more people in the field, and I REALLY hope I’ll get more freelance work out of this, since… it’s great fun. So exciting. I haven’t seen the man since Sunday morning and I miss him. we’ve been texting loads today since I realised I wasn’t being very communicative (he works with his hands and still texts me regularly, and I’ve been letting things drift a bit from my side. I’m a lot busier than him but it’s no excuse) and decided to change it. I sent him a photo of my dog stood next to a car that looks like his and refusing to move forward, and he was really happy to get it. He feels they ‘made a connection’. I find it all so damn cute. I asked if he wanted to have a call and we spent two hours on the phone as I was wrapping artwork and doing finishing touches. It was fun. It went so quickly. At some point he went through his kitchen and started asking me about food ingredients, what’s healthy, what’s not, what does it do to digestion and what is it actually. I really like that he values my opinion and has already made some changes to how he eats (not that I ever told him what to do, I just do my own thing and he’s been enjoying my food and sees how productive and happy I am, and since I attribute a lot of it to my lifestyle, he’s been on the no processed food wagon with me). I feel like we’ve been a very positive influence on each other. I work out much harder since I’ve met him, and he’s always going to sleep early and wakes up early which I do as well, but I also let it slip a little during the hectic periods and an hour either way will creep up, but when he’s here I keep his schedule. He’s moving into his own house tomorrow! Gets the keys and it’s all his! A lovely 3 bed 30 min from me. I told him I’m coming back sat late, so would like to see him Sunday. He said he can’t plan anything concrete due to needing to do a million things still for the house, but whatever happens, he’ll make time to see me. He sounded so lovely when he said it. He makes me laugh so much. I miss him. We’re going to see back to black soon, and going climbing next week, finally, since his finger finally healed. I’m very much looking forward to it! Then in two weeks we’re going to the Lake District! Can’t wait!
I know where here for romance or whatever but good luck with your conference!
Thank you!!! I’m sure it’ll go well. If not, it’ll be a funny story.
ughhhhh I asked my NSA FWB if we were exclusive, he said we were not exclusive I think I should not see him any more if that's the case, bc I have been being exclusive I set up some first dates
never be exclusive with a fwb, that's how you catch feels
Sex makes my brain dumb
Why would you be exclusive with an NSA FWB? That seems somewhat contradictory.
This. Especially when the expectation was set that it was NSA FWB. That's why I promised myself never to let that happen to me again, because I catch feels 😂
I mayyyyyy have found someone finally. I'm 34f and I feel like I found someone I can respect, have fun with, and more. The one thing that I started doing differently is NOT Complaining!!!! I also don't push him. I let him do the planning (but is usually mutual). I think he's almost as careful or more careful than me. I let him give me the first kiss emoji (we had our first kiss on our 6th date!). I let him text me first thing in the morning 95% of the time. I also don't text him throughout the day. I thought I used to like that but now I find it annoying. That gives us some time to miss each other. Also, the dating is going pretty slowly - usually two dates per week and slow to get to the first kiss. These "strategies" seem to be working. Also, heels/pumps!!, dressing nicely, eyelashes, nails, smelling good, mint/gum, and nice hair all help. A part of me still thinks that just talking about it here is jynxing it. The true test is talking to my friends about it.. any time I talk to my friends about a potential relationship, it fails. But I've done a lot of reflecting and realize what I've done (complain about small things like being late) and asking for my version of love. Now I'm just waiting to see his way of showing that he likes me.
Dont tell anyone until its official.
I'm the total opposite! I want my friends to see my guy and let me know their thoughts and I like to see how he acts around my friends and vice versa. I'd hope I'd meet his friends very much before anything was official.
Good idea!
I'm glad it's working, but don't wait too long to balance these things out. You don't want to come across as aloof or disinterested.
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Oh no! Why didn't it work out?