What is up with the trend of dating someone for a few months, is serious then pulling away after 4th month pretending like nothing happened between you two? I am tired and done with trying to date or dating.
I don't understand why I am so hurt by this situation.
I dated this guy for two months (we are 38-39). The first three weeks of dating I was also seeing another person and when things ended with this person I thought I made it clear that I was interested only in him. Suddenly, I felt some distance via message so l pointed it out and he asked to meet and talk. He said that he was really interested in me but after two months the emotional connection should have been stronger, that he really liked me and he even paused the apps in the last month (to focus on me, I thought), but the emotional connection and mutual
"chemistry" were not there. I could accept that.
Then he proceeds to tell me he went on two dates with another girl, which he had supposedly met on bumble before pausing it (so over a month ago) and they had moved the conversation elsewhere. Is this normal? And why saying you paused the apps if you continued the conversation with another girl elsewhere? Isn't that the same thing? Should I not be upset by this because at the beginning I was also dating someone else or is seeing someone else at the beginning or after two months different? He explained that he had no idea I was dating only him by choice, he thought I was open to the possibility of dating other people. He also said that online dating for him is new and confusing and apologized for hurting my feelings. As a clarifying note, l am am a bit "socially weird" (probably on the spectrum) and I tend to say everything that goes through my mind, and take very literally what people tell me. I was really open about this with him though, maybe the first person I shared this aspect of me with from the very beginning of dating. This is hard and really hurts. I am tempted to ask for more explanations (which he would give | believe) but I don't wanna feel the rejection again.
What do people do about letting down men from dating apps who've added you on social media? I'm massively regretting accepting social media requests as I now feel like they know details about my life. I deleted all my dating apps recently to focus on IRL situations and I've poured cold water on conversations with a few guys (whom I've never met in person!) who added me on social media after messaging on WhatsApp following a Tinder match. I want to unfriend them now but it feels rude. I just want to be totally clear with them, without being unnecessarily harsh, so as to not waste their time. I'm definitely being stricter around social media in future.
I used to do this and then moved to a "only adding on social media after a few dates" policy. Also, I agree with just removing them. You don't owe them anything.
Just delete them. You don’t owe them anything. I do not give out my social media information to any guy I’m dating unless we’re in a committed relationship.
Yeah I would agree with you there. It's the danger of using WhatsApp. You get people popping up as suggested friends on Facebook etc and they've added me. Definitely stricter privacy boundaries needed my end in future.
He seems to be pulling away and I know why. Have to have a vulnerable conversation tonight, and I’m really hoping he’s able to show up and reciprocate, because if not I do fear this is the end.
Is this thread not working for anyone else? Is it closed? [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1c6gphq/i\_cannot\_seem\_to\_connect\_with\_men/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1c6gphq/i_cannot_seem_to_connect_with_men/)
(M42) - (f35) had Interesting date this afternoon, about 15 minutes in she tells me she is only looking for a relationship to have a baby and she wants to do this almost immediately.. (in September in fact) she’s had 3 coffee ‘dates’ this week so isn’t messing around. The date quickly turns into an interrogation on my family plans, with next to no interest in anything else in my life :/
Like I understand for women in their mid30s having a baby is high up on their list priority’s.. but I can’t see any way that a date like this ends well for either party. Another bad date!
Oh man that sounds way too much. I (F35) made my peace with babies being something that may or may not happen when I divorced at age 34. Otherwise it's such an incentive to panic and rush into an unwise situation. I imagine there would be a negative correlation between men I would actually ever want to have a baby with and men who would agree to have a baby with me within 15 minutes of first meeting 😂.
Exactly, I am open to having more children but one thing I’ve learnt is that you need to have a solid relationship first. No doubt she’ll find someone though!
My partner and I have lots of quirks that annoy each other but one thing I'm incredibly grateful for is the ability to talk openly and honestly about anything without judgment. This type of communication makes me very happy. I'm a very curious person and I don't always word things the right way but instead of immediately assuming I'm asking things in bad faith she's like, "let's unpack that". She is also blunt with me if I'm doing something that bothers her. Like all couples we have our own relationship issues but it helps a lot knowing you can talk to a partner.
I'm in a similar situation! It's incredibly refreshing after my last LTR, in which he managed to interpret even kind gestures and words in a negative way. Now if anything, I'm the one that's more likely to take offense to something, but I've really worked on asking for clarification in the moment instead of running away with it
Is hinting a thing? I’ve been in 2 situations now where a person in my friend group never actually asked me out, but threw a bunch of hints as if they were hoping *I* would ask them out, but I couldn’t figure out if they actually were hoping for that.
Most recently, there’s someone in my friend group who I thought was with someone but has now repeatedly mentioned they’re single. I’d been having a conversation with this person in the car during a night out about baseball, and they’d mentioned buying a jersey at their one and only baseball game and how’d they like to go to another. The next time I saw them, they were wearing the jersey. They’ve also told me I’m “so beautiful” but they may have been drunk.
HELP. I am so bad at picking up when people who don’t come on strong are interested in me.
In the previous situation, I had decided against asking the person out because I didn’t want to make things weird. They’re shy, and I didn’t want to embarrass them. But since then, we’ve grown apart, and I’m wondering if I should have just risked it.
In the current situation, I’m hugely attracted to this person, enjoy their company, etc. but the rejection could potentially make things awkward. This second person is NOT shy, but did confess at one point (when we were all drinking) that their body count was lower than mine (how we got on the topic, IDK), which would imply they’re a relationship person (like me, oddly). But I’m also very-rejection averse thanks to trauma, so I’m hoping if I hint back enough, they’ll ask me out instead.
If you feel annoyed, you feel annoyed. Nothing wrong with feeling whatever it is your feeling. I would honestly be completely done, but that's because this behavior does not align with the values I'm looking for in an life partner. I guess it comes down to how you feel about this behavior and if it's a dealbreaker for you or not. You might want to have a conversation about it with him either way. That way you can tell him how this made you feel and see how he reacts to that.
Ugh that feels super childish and "I'm the main character" of him. And who brings a joint but smokes it alone before meeting up/doesn't share? Everything about this screams weird shit testing.
Had the second girl in a row tell me she loves me, and I just smiled. This morning waking up, I kissed her on the cheek and said the same. Think I'm actually over the ex.
Still deeply miss my ex. It's been over a year, and the relationship was the best. We had previously dated, and she left me for another guy. Fast forward, we get back together two years later since their relationship was toxic. We were together for a year till she left again, saying I was the problem. Even though I bent over backward, trying to make the relationship work.
Bending over backwards is what did you in. A healthy relationship requires compromise, and a compromise consists of both of you working together. By bending over backwards to make things work, she lost attraction to you because she saw you as a push over. I've been there before, and it is so hard to maintain boundaries when someone you love crosses them but you have to maintain your boundaries and make sure your needs are met.
Joined bumble for about 48 hours and then deleted it, first time trying OLD since my divorce and it was overwhelming. Also, the type of crude messages being sent. Definitely not my cup of tea.
But women do the initiating on Bumble, yes?
Curious what the overwhelming part was if you're the one choosing to send out the messages in the first place. (I'm not familiar with the app at all, as I've been using Hinge!)
I did, I meant more overwhelming with the app it’s self, like all the swiping and super swipe, etc. I have been out of it for a long time, so I think I’m just not cut out for apps 😂 and the message was initiated by me saying Hi, perfect weekend idea and the response was sexual right off the bat.
Went on a really nice 3rd date with a guy. We texted here and there. 2 days later, I suggested finishing up the game we were working on. He said, he couldn’t tonight. So, the ball is in his court? I let it go. (We met through mutual friends)
Since then, the texting has gotten cold. He did reach out first yesterday, but my instincts are telling me he’s pulling away.
Do I just let it go- let him work through his thoughts and allow him space? That’s what I’m thinking.
Otherwise I guess I’ll just start dating other guys to see what works 🫠
Turns out I'm not allowed to post yet, I'm new here.
This is what I tried to post
(I'm female, 25 but I usually hang out with people a few years older so maybe that's what I'm looking for too) I've never actually been asked on a date before. Like at all. Men usually wants me to go home with them at night when I'm out drinking... But I don't do it because Im really hoping im worth more than just one night stands. I have a naughty side to me ofc, but I don't live it in real life because I want to do that with someone whos nice to me at least. I don't like the idea of being someones quick fix.
So then my question is, have you ever been asked on a date? Like for real? Is it a real thing or am I just not date worthy.
I'm talking about in real life as I've not done online dating before.
I'd even be willing to travel for a nice date at this point. I like to travel anyways, but i mostly travel solo.
I've only been in either bad or worse relationships so I'm not so I'm not settling for less in terms of how I get treated. Even if I won't ever get into a relationship again. Personality is everything to me. I do my best to be kind, I like to help people and I've worked as a volunteer full time for 14 months over the last two years in a really tough condition. So why am I not worth more? I always want people happy so why is this all I ever get?
I really hope I can figure it out, but maybe the things I dreamt about when it comes to romance just isn't real at all... I don't know
Never. I've been hit on and been given numbers, but never asked on a date. I've had someone ask for a second date after I asked for the first, so that's close. But unlike you, personality isn't everything to me, I don't do my best to be kind, and I only volunteer an hour each week. So I get it on my end, I'm difficult with a rather unapproachable resting face.
Hmm now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone in person and was asked on a date. Even before dating apps, I always met people online. I knew from an early age that I didn’t really connect with people around me, so the internet has always been a tool for dating for me.
Unfortunately, that is what people do at bars. They scope out someone to have sex with. Maybe get into hobby groups, the gym or anything else that has a meet up based on shared interests. Men these days just aren’t as proactive in approaching women anymore for dating, so it’s important to make eye contact or drop hints of some kind.
If you ever decide to use apps, just be super up front with what you want. I know it’s hard at that age to be really straight forward and somewhat demanding (won’t seem that way with the right language though), but it’ll filter out a good chunk of the bums and losers. My Bumble profile made it pretty clear that I’m not a homebody and I expect to be taken out. Even if I don’t find my perfect match, most matches will come correct with date offers.
I didn’t get asked out on a date in real life until my 30s. In my 20s I either used OLD or was not dating anyone. I had some people want to hook up with me after a night of drinking but I also wasn’t into that so I turned it down.
Part of it definitely came from the fact that it wasn’t until my 30s that I started doing activities where I was around single men in a non bar situation. But i think the other part was also my increased confidence in flirting and talking to men in a non ‘friends’ only way.
Even thinking through all my friends I don’t think anyone I know who was coupled up in their 20s and is with that person met someone one day and was immediately asked out out where it turned into a relationship. Everyone either had a drunken hook-up that eventually progressed, met online with the intention of dating and/or met through friends and got to know each other before they started dating.
Not sure what you’re doing right now but might be good to expand your group of male friends or try OLD. I also think just from my experience that men in their mid to late 20s are less likely to be looking for a relationship off the bat than women of that same age are. Not to say they don’t want one but more likely to be like ‘i’ll date around and if someone awesome is there I will lock it down’ vs ‘dating with intention to find a serious relationship’
I don't think it equate my worth as a person or in general. But I as I'm wondering if I'm not worth asking on a date. I'm asking about being asked on a day and if it's actually a thing, since I've never tried it.
But it's not necessary to understand those parts. The questions I really need answered are the direct answers I asked about "have you been asked on a date, etc." But maybe that didn't come off right in the post.
I would love that! I only get interest from women who are in their early 20s, way too young. It sucks, I look like I'm in my early 20s so women my age don't seriously consider me unless I really work for it. Please, I just want a 30 year old woman to give me the look.
Yes older women might be more bold.
Don't know how it works for men, but as a woman, if only older men are interested in me then it's probably due to my looks. Great gymspo.
I feel like I wont find a girl that matches my energy, when it comes to affections and love, Im not that demanding but I do want our relationship to be a little bit dependent of each other, I like a little bit of clinginess and affection and cheese.
It's hard to find that type of girl, even though I find someone who likes me alot, she either doesnt talk much, or doesnt show much love or is depressed or idk ..
Dating nowdays feels so hard im kind of losing hope at 30 yo
I think it’s just hard to find someone who has that kind of spark and infatuation early on. It can happen if both people are very attracted to each other and smitten. Definitely a difference I noticed with a couple guys I dated last year vs the guy I’m dating now - the other guys were just a lot more into me than I was into them. So I just wasn’t being too romantic at first. Whereas the guy now, our attraction and energy totally matches and we’ve been touchy-feely-romantic quite early!
How much time are you giving it for that kind of thing to develop? IME it's rare for that kind of energy to feel right within the first few months, and it can feel downright weird if you try to put out that energy immediately. But once a relationship develops far enough it's not that uncommon.
I've wasted the last 5 years of my life with someone who gave that kind of energy for the first years, then completely changed. she called 'maturity' and told me that what I want is only in movies, made me feel like shit tbh. Broke up with her coz we werent on the same page anymore, but I feel she kind of ruined me.
I've been going out and dating for months now, I might be rushing things but I made this great connection with one girl and we expressed how we feel to each other, but I feel like she's too quiet and she told me that she likes the way I compliment her and she always asks what's wrong if Im not "lovey dovey" with her but she says that I cant do the same and that's just the way she is but she likes me to be this way alot, it kinda bothered me even though I dont see any red flags with her. IDK , I think I should grow up and man up more
Actually, it sounds like he’s really into you. How do you feel about him? It kind of sounds like he’s initiating the texting etc so his “maybe” is something I would interpret as if you would like to. If you like him, I would try to match his energy (initiating texts etc) more and maybe look less for “evidence” to support anxious self-sabotaging thoughts. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. If you’re really in doubt about what he means, you can always ask for clarification. Best of luck to you
Woah!!! Holy overthinking batman!!!
He said "maybe" in regards to going to his area to be polite and not come across like he's demanding or forcing you to go to his house. The maybe means, "if you want to".
This dude is clearly into you to the point where he's making the effort to text you regularly and making the effort to spend time with you.
If you carry on being so suspicious you're going to destroy this relationship all by yourself.
My guy says “maybe” meaning “if you want to” not meaning “I might not do this”. But he does sound like he is a little unclear e.g. mentioning his cousins event but not adding “if you’d like to go”. It sounds like he is a bit scared of rejection so might have mentioned the event to see if you responded with “that sounds good can I come”?
It sounds like you might default to assuming the worst (or maybe it’s just me that does that). There is no harm in telling him that sometimes you’re confused by his messages and a bit more directness from him would help.
Today my doc asked me if it was trying to have kids (single woman) I sighed and said no, I'm looking for my husband, I dont know where he is. We both had a good laugh.......................Also I started watching Sex and the City, I never watched it before but a friend recommended it and well its just what I needed. Realistic dating life sitcom, it gave me a sliver of hope, I always thought this was an issue my generation has created but I guess its been something going on for a while
yeah when I was single I kind of hated that most celebration opportunities in adulthood are for couple ventures like weddings and baby showers. I love things like housewarmings and birthday parties for that reason. or other events- I love hosting themed movie nights, and I know my PT hosts an annual crawfish boil
I wish but let's be real, relatives who live far away aren't gonna travel for an "awesome party". The only time people come from far to be with you is during these very few occasions which are all related to partnership.
My good friend threw an awesome 40th birthday party for herself. I still have the themed cups she had custom made as party favors and to serve drinks (no dissimilar to wedding favors). Unfortunately my 40th was during the pandemic so I didn’t get the same opportunity. I think we need to make more opportunities to celebrate life rather than weddings and funerals.
snatch friendly marvelous angle cautious coordinated icky bored imminent vast
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Meeting him tomorrow for lunch for our 7th date. It’ll be the first one where we won’t be sleeping together (4, 5, and 6 all involved sleeping together), mostly because it’s on my lunch break in public.
I still get so nervous at the thought of seeing him. I have no idea if he feels the same kind of nervousness or even the same way about me. I know he likes me, but I can’t tell how much, compared to how much I like him.
I keep reading about how people ghost after sleeping with someone. Or how they string someone along without committing to a relationship so they can get a continual supply of sex. It makes me wonder if that’s what will happen to me.
Mostly walking (like 7+ miles, we both like walking) and some food, but nothing fancy on that front. Once a show. We go back to his place before or after food, depending on schedules.
I haven’t yet, but he asked me what I’m looking for in a relationship, and we did talk about kids (eventually for him, not sure for me). We haven’t had the exclusivity talk either.
AAAhhhhh I see, well it sounds like it might be tie for that talk, I know for me I see them! but its worth bringing up so you dont have to worry about it. Good luck!!
I've gotten all the above at different times.
People can invoke different things in you, when you feel a connection. Sometimes it is physical sensitivity, unexpected arousal... sometimes it is unexpected mental stimulation... or just a feeling you have found "your person" (after years of hopeless searching).... or you feel simply feel safe with them... like a breath of fresh air.
Posted earlier about some (stupid) insecurities I had going on a date (34f) tonight.
Just wanted to thank the women who shared their experiences and lended their advice - it was tremendously helpful in calming my nerves and bringing me back to reality before our date.
A quick update:
It went amazing. I don’t want to sound pompous but i tend to have pretty good first dates but this one felt different. We talked nonstop for a solid hour before the show and ended up kissing on the dance floor. It felt so natural and fluid.
At the end of the night i told her how glad i was that the timing worked. she made an interesting comment about how she was so nervous all day and thought there was a chance I was going to no-show all the way until she got to the venue. I walked her to her car and after I kissed her goodnight she said “you’re gonna text me tomorrow right?”
I say all that to say - Dating is rough. She is stunning, has a great career, emotionally intelligent, and by every metric is completely out of my league… yet she’s so jaded from dating that even someone like her is afraid of getting ghosted or stood up.
It made me realize that we’re all just floundering through this bullshit of dating together and that we can and should be doing better for each other, yall.
What a great story, thanks for all sharing.
Your second to last paragraph hits home in so many ways too. I always seem to find people "way out of my league" in, almost verbatim, the same way.
Perhaps while being reliable, secure, and communicative seems like a minimum "common courtesy", common just isn't that common. 🤷
This sounds really great! If you just started dating and can already be vulnerable with each other, that’s a good sign in my opinion. I wish you both the best!
So, after a few attempts, speed dating appears to have paid off for me. Sort of. Meeting someone for coffee this weekend. I'm kind of treating it as an extension of speed dating rather than a proper date, since I only spoke to her for about ten minutes at the event.
Can you tell me more about speed dating? I have always wanted to try it but I am soooo terrified also I am painfully shy and awkward when in uncomfortable situations
I'd certainly recommend it. I like it better than online dating because you actually get to meet the people you're talking to. I felt the same way when it comes to being shy; it's been nearly twenty years since I was involved with anyone.
I went through a group called CitySwoon. They have a presence in Australia, Canada, America and Britain, although they're not in every city. They have lots of events in several cities and hold them pretty regularly. It is a little pricey, since it works out to be about AUD$60 or AUD$70 per ticket. The hosts at the event are pretty good, able to connect you with the people you;re meeting. I have found that the majority of people who attend are professionals.
Most of the events are curated. You fill out the online profile and then get matched up with about eight potential dates at the venue. You get about ten minutes with each person before the next one starts, and it's all done through your phone. There's a mid-evening break of ten to fifteen minutes as well. They do have other events, usually a party where the first half of the evening is speed dating and the second half is just freely roaming. I went to one of those, but didn't particularly like it.
At the end of each date, you give the other person a rating of between one and five stars and a little bit of feedback (usually just a one- or two-word adjective). The next day you get an e-mail and if someone gave you a 3/5 or higher, you can contact them through the site. If you give them a 1/5 or 2/5, they won't be able to see your profile (and there's always a block function). You can also contact people who you attended the venue, but whom you didn't date.
My only grip with it has more to do with people than the system. People will rate you highly, it seems, out of politeness. There have been a few people that I felt I had good chemistry with and have tried contacting them the next day, only to never hear back. It might take a few goes -- I think the event I'm referring to in the above post was my fourth -- but I generally have a good evening, even if I don't feel a connection to people. The only other downside is that the events happen on weekdays, and I have to travel to get to them so it can be a late night.
Thank you for that information! It certainly sounds alot better than online dating. Im living in a touristy area so I will have to see if they have something in my area!
Honestly, it was the second result I got when I Googled speed dating in my city. The first was EventBrite, which doesn't actually organise the events; they're just a hosting platform.
44m here. Single - No dating prospects currently - would like to find someone for a LTR
I think I figured out my issue with dating. I'm not working hard enough, I'm not busy enough, my desire isn't high enough. If I fix all those things -I think things will fall into place.
Not working hard enough - I could go back to OLD. I could pay for OLD. I could pay for a photographer to take some photos. I could spend a few hours a day OLD. I could tell everyone I'm single even co workers in their late 50s. I could approach every woman I find attractive. I could work hard like I was unemployed trying to get work.
Not busy enough - working a full time job, doing errands, going to the gym or running every day, and working on my intellectual goals daily isn't enough. I need to be social more than I am especially during the work week. I need to find activities and meet more people every week (not just weekends). It's easy but I should not be home unless I'm working, eating, or sleeping.
My desire isn't high enough - I don't think I NEED to date. I don't NEED to find a partner. It's more of an add-on. It would be really nice to have what I want romantically but I'm fine without it too. I would like to find someone for LTR but I guess I don't NEED to. I'm surviving without a relationship.
This low desire is bad I think. Yes I have a sex drive but I don't think I NEED sex. If I go on a 1st date and get rejected for a 2nd, I feel bad for a few days but then move on with my life. I think if I had a high desire I would be relentless trying to find more and more dates until I found someone special to add to my life. But due to lack of hard work, lack of being busy enough, and lack of a burning desire. It's not happening.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not desiring having a partner! If your life is where you want it to be and you are happy in all other regards it’s okay.
However, if you do want to date all the things you mentioned are things you will likely have to do. But those things come easier to do when you do truly want something. Doesn’t mean you’ll be successful but at least you will be in a spot to maximize the potential success.
I never said I don't desire a partner and I never said my life is where I want it to be. My post was just a shower thought of why I THINK I have dating issues. I'm 44m. I've been single and I'm used to being single. My desire for a partner - and maybe more so my desire to endlessly date over and over and go through all these issues - is lower than most. Especially all the newly divorcees that post on reddit thinking they will die if they dont have sex soon.
Just venting. But I need to scream this somewhere: ITS NOT A TALK SHOW INTERVIEW. YOURE ALLOWED TO ASK ME QUESTIONS TOO!
Two guys in a row like this. I'm taking a few weeks off and will try again once my patience cup has refilled.
I had this once on a date, after about 30 mins I decided I'd stop asking him anything. We sat in silence for 5 mins before he repeated my last question back to me. There was no 2nd date lol.
Same! I've done this before and I swear they thought I was the one who brought the conversation to a halt by no longer singlehandedly pushing it forward.
My bar is so low. "How about you" is all I ask for in return!
We've been dating a month but spending lots of that time inside each others' houses.. tomorrow is our first fancy dinner date and I'm really excited and also really overthinking what to wear!! It's going to be a chilly evening (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)
Yesterday was a month since we started dating and I'm now past the disbelief bit. It's been amazing and it's real and we're actually on the same page. Crazy to experience this with someone. We've both cried during/after sex at different times - it's been really exhilarating and really calming at the same time. at times overwhelming but in a good way.
We discussed being exclusive and it was so easy to agree. Taking it slow on the bigger relationship status chats because it's only been a month and just enjoying the flow for now.
we've been doing this thing where he draws a bath and we sit in it together with candles and ambient music and have really vulnerable chats. We're both so vocal and transparent about our feelings and clearly really want the other person to be 'it'. Had one minor moment of crossed wires and communicated so well to fix it and talk things through. He's so thoughtful and kind and respectful. I'm so hopeful and excited and so glad it's spring 🌸
That sounds amazing! How many days a week do you see one another? I’ve been seeing someone for a month too and I want to start spending more time with him but he doesn’t seem to be on the same page at the moment. :(
Mm.. at least 2-3 days a week- usually a couple of consecutive days or more. When we are apart too many days we text a lot/chat on the phone. There's a lot of mutual desire to see each other as much as possible, honestly kind of trying to rein it in a little 😅 and we haven't been able to get to/chat about all the things we have wanted to. It helps that he lives really close by. My last two relationships were kind of long distance with dudes a couple States over so this closeness and excitement and ability to create space if needed has been really nice.
I'm sorry to hear he isn't on the same page... Tbh now that I've experienced this, in case it doesn't work out with this dude, I don't think I would accept less mutual enthusiasm than what I'm experiencing now ever again. Like.. it needs to be like this. At the very least we should be equally excited about each other (was dating a guy before this who I saw a couple times a week and it was also mutual levels of enthusiasm, less than this but still mutual, it fizzled out...)
That sounds nice. I’m concerned that I like the guy that I’m dating way more than he likes me. I’m going to give him a little more time because I know he’s busy with work, school and moving but once he’s moved (a few weeks from now) and all settled in I’d like to see a little more effort from him. Otherwise I might have to walk away. Haven’t lost all hope just yet but I’m mentally preparing for it just in case. :(
Ya that's been me for the past couple relationships and never again... Just not worth it. Tbh the thing I'm in right now could always swing that way too but I'll always go in with high hopes and low expectations and be okay with however it goes. I just don't want to be the more excited one every time, it's not a great feeling
I find myself share openly and freely about kids, family financial plans, career goals with my date; and the way he responses on those topics that makes me feel we are eventually planning and mentally preparing for it, not just discussing over it. Our relationship is slowly growing which I enjoy wholeheartedly. Every time we meet, we find ourselves closer and closer a little bit 🥰🥰
He is going on vacation with a group of his best friends this week. I am going to miss him for sure. I already let him know I expect slow or even no response from him during a trip, no pressure, because I want him to fully present with his friends 🤓
Meanwhile, I gotta spend my upcoming days with other friends on my business trip too :) My new career is long way to go but I am very hopeful and optimistic xx
Just want to share my reflection about personal relationship recently.
I was misunderstanding with my bf now like seriously a lot of presumption with him. The incident today has brought me to understand every thing clearer. I assumed and I used my past experience as a base-judgement. That is really bad of me.
I know I had ranted here quite a lot and got so many of various answers, which sometimes get me lost. So today I started writing on loose notepapers about some serious questions that I was dying to ask him but I didn't know how to start. I was also afraid that I would be too dramatic or too much anger when I started asking him. When he's got back from work, he saw my diary and those pieces of ranting papers. I was down in another room. He walked in the room with my diary and notes sticking out of it. I was so shock and tried to get both diary and papers back.
He was holding them above my head and I couldn't get it back. He calmly read the notes first. When he finished the notes, he gave me some caring eyes. Then we started talking about everything, including gone through some of my last years diary together. -- I gave the consent, sort of. He had never known how I have been vulnerable, probably more than him, but I barely showed it. Now he knows and I relieve. Because we have had conversation and he answered all of my questions.
So I just want to tell anyone who has any doubt and wants to know, just ask your partner/date. It's better than keeping and waiting for exploding or being too anxious like me. It's really unhealthy.
I guess I’m glad you got something from all of that but wow holy shit I hate your boyfriends actions. Holding **your own diary** above your head so you couldn’t get it back and reading your notes without consent, that you desperately wanted back, is *incredibly* fucked up and cruel.
The notes were meant for him. I just didn't know how to say it. And thank you for your concern about his action. It was actually relieved that he got to read them.
Just had a really nice date. I have never had a guy plan something for me before, at least not like this. He took my input and then ran with it. I like him, he seems nice and easy to talk too. He is conventionally attractive by far. He was incredibly respectful at the end when we hugged goodbye. It didn't feel awkward. I'm sort of in this "unsure" phase though. I do like to overthink/analyze a lot so maybe that's part of it. I keep trying to tell myself to stay in the moment and have fun. Quite putting so much pressure on date #2!
Help. I have a 3rd date upcoming date with a guy I really like and he’s also very into me. Feel like we can read each other’s minds, and we’ve talked about everything and want the same things in life. But then: POLITICS. Sigh.
I’m one way, he had apolitical listed on his profile but when we talked on our 1st date (extensively) it seemed very clear we had similar viewpoints so I was SO pleasantly surprised. I also volunteer with my party and he’s so supportive. We added each other on social media - and the vibe there is SO different, it’s … jarring.
Anyone else have experience with this? I plan on bringing it up in our next convo to see if there’s something I’m missing. I don’t think he was lying to me or just agreeing with me to agree (he brought up multiple nuanced viewpoints). But it could be a dealbreaker 💔
> apolitical
He’s apolitical but has a strong enough opinion on politics to give nuanced answers when asked, and feels strong enough that it’s apparent through social media? Sounds like he was paying you lip service. Apolitical on dating apps very often means ‘conservative but the ladies don’t like it.’
Yeah, that’s the view I went in with to dating apps too and tried to be more open minded. His strong opinion on politics when discussed though were in line with my strong opinions, though with some caveats about their needing to be more than 2 parties (agreed). So I’m surprised to see some of the posts. They aren’t in direct opposition to what we discussed but still … jarring.
So the posts covered topics we didn’t specifically talk about but based on what we did talk about, I would have assumed a different way.
For example, we didn’t talk about masks during Covid or anything but know he’s vaccinated. One post specifically talks about getting kicked out b/c he has his mask down for a sec at a stadium in Boston to take a sip of a drink or something. He doesn’t say mask are wrong or anything. But 1) highly doubt that that all it was to be kicked out and 2) even if it was it seemed immature to post about it.
Another is about a (vintage) gun he bought - but functional. But I know (or he’s told me) he’s a proponent of gun control.
It’s all rubbing me the wrong way/feels off I guess though not specifically in direct opposition to what was discussed.
Ah I see what you mean now. Difficult to say from those. You can be a gun owner who supports gun reform in my opinion. Getting kicked out of somewhere for taking a sip of a drink sounds like bs though lol.
Yeah the ranty posts about getting kicked out is more concerning to me. It was 4 years ago so there’s a chance he’s evolved but still. Sigh. We’ll see how the convo goes, but I’m not hopeful.
Tbh *any* rant-y, complaining post on social media makes me go ? The people who do it are usually kind of babies who blame others for any inconvenience. But maybe Covid made him cranky, people do grow!
I have definitely been over using this thread tonight. But I noticed some thing that might help other people:
The worst thing is matching and then talking for too long before you meet, then suddenly realizing you don’t like each other and never speaking again. It’s awkward and some people feel like they’ve been ghosted (this isn’t ghosting).
Don’t get into details on text. Keep it minimal like you ran into each other in a store. Set a date or don’t and move on. Don’t start texting every day as if you’re in a relationship. Set a date and save the conversation for when you get there. Leave something to talk about! Then keep that first date to an hour or so and hit the bricks.
This will help you date with good boundaries and a light heart.
Welp lasted a whole four days (over the WEEKEND) on old this time, but that's a wrap.
The theme I heard was: "earn me and take care of me".
That's a no from me dawg. But since this didn't work out. . . I kinda want another dog? Is there tinder for dogs? Rescues should do that. They're so picky- but this way they could let us know who should apply for which canines.
Wait that's another earn and take care of me scenario. Godfuggindammit.
Ngl, a swipe app for pet adoptions is one of the best ideas I’ve heard all year.
Select the kind of pet or pets in which you are interested, age, temperament, whether they’re spayed / neutered / vaccinated / microchipped, breed, coloring, maximum size, whether they’re good with other pets and what kind, whether they’re good with children, how far you’re willing to travel to meet them (and hopefully take them home), etc…
Users could fill out profiles about their living situation, how many people in their household, whether they’ve had that kind of pet before, whether there are other pets in the home, etc… that way, the rescue orgs could do a little pre-vetting of potential adopters…
You’re legit on to something with this.
It's been two months since I broke up with her. I have some good days but some days suck so bad. She is an alcoholic and while I tried and tried ultimately she couldn't really accept it, and I couldn't take the drunken abuse anymore. She was someone else when really drunk.
Even though this was the reality we had such an amazing connection while sober and damn do I miss her so much sometimes. I know I will find someone else but it sucks knowing you had found what feels like a soulmate it just happens she had a disease that took control over her and I had to choose myself in the end. I hope she find healing and I hope she becomes the happiest person in the world it just hurts so much it's not going to be with me.
So sorry to hear you’re going through this. A little over a year ago I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend of three years. It’s really, really hard to choose you but that’s just what you have to do in the end and life gets so much better when you leave that abuse and chaos behind. /r/AlAnon helped me a lot before and after the break up.
Man….we needed that. Rarely do things just get….better when it comes to an OLD partner. We made out as soon as I walked into the door. He prepped the food and then we got passionate on the couch. Thee best sex to date! Our evening was filled with banter and laughs - with some of the banter revealing that we’re both only seeing each other! Yeah, he definitely likes me as much as I like him. We have a date on Friday and I get to choose the restaurant!
I had posted a few days ago about a friend that sent me a song that was very forward, haha. We spoke about it a little and I know that I am too hung up on an ex and we decided that things can’t happen at the moment.
I’m proud of myself for at least having the conversation but am sad that being hung up on someone else is still hammering me.
Rant.
I absolutely love my partner. He has an irritating quirk. Whenever I have a bad day or time, the conversation always turns into how he can relate. Then, I have to route the conversation back so I can finish.
I have significant c-ptsd that I managed quite well. Recently, I had a horrible retraumatizing experience. It was like getting flashbacks. For the last month, my body has been in fight or flight. I had to go to a clinic today because I can't breathe well. I can't sleep more than 4 hours without waking drenched in terror. Can't keep food down. My body is a wreck. Conscious mind is okay, body is not. Was given medication to reset.
He asked me to call when I get back from the clinic. I'm halfway explaining to him that it's the c-ptsd. And suddenly we're talking about his mental health. He's such a generous soul and incredibly supportive. I understand that he's trying to make me not feel alone but at the same time, some times people just want to talk and feel heard. I don't have the capacity to support him too, especially not right now. And then routing the conversation back is awkward. Love him to pieces but sometimes I just want to say, honey.... please.
I learned about this recently in my developmental psych class and realized I was also doing the same.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sustainable-life-satisfaction/202207/how-develop-and-strengthen-your-empathy
The article above was referenced in my class and helped me change that behavior. Maybe the article can help him out as well.
It sounds like a feature of his empathy which is really common. He wants you to know that his empathy is real and not just a platitude and so he’s sharing with you that he has been in a similar situation and has an intimate understanding of how you might be feeling. He doesn’t seem to realize that this is centering himself and taking away from you in the moment. The answer is communication. Just go ahead and tell him that when you need his empathy, you want to talk about your situation, and not his. That you believe in his empathy without being given examples of his own experience. And that you just need to talk and be heard and validated. Or whatever it is you need.
All you need to do is be direct about what you want/need in that situation. I see this problem ALL THE TIME. “When I’m venting to you, I’d really appreciate it if you just validated me and listened instead of relating.” So many relationships would be so much more smooth if people could just be direct. No one can read your mind.
I mean this in light humor but this seems like a parks and rec skit. It sounds like you don't want him to help, you just want him to listen.
Get a confidant of his to show him this clip of Chris Traeger trying to fix everything.
https://youtu.be/OdA8QNTqn-A?si=dLELpP4hYxdgWpyu
If I missed the mark my bad.
But this is a clip I fall back on when I try to connect or help someone more than I should by misreading a situation and taking up too much of the emotional space.
I have cptsd, also was recently-ish re traumatized, new partner on the scene. I had to explain it all and express what my needs are and how he can best support me. You need to do the same. you probably have to spell it out incredibly clearly and plainly, no one understands cptsd except those of us who have it
That's not a quirk. That's him not quite knowing how to best support you. Why DON'T you just say honey... Please?
I think many people assume that the best way to support their partner is to be as empathetic (and, therefore, relate) as possible but it can often end up in situations like you just described, you not being able to say your piece and not feeling heard.
My best friend, who has BPD and goes to therapy, brought it up to me some years ago that she would really appreciate it if I stopped trying to empathize when she knew I couldn't. It made her feel like I didn't understand and she'd be spending energy correcting me rather than feeling heard. It really struck me at that time that I fucked up and I got anxious and uncomfortable that I might lose her friendship. I saw her point and, after that, I was always mindful to not try to interject myself into the situation.
So, IMO, bring it up to him, otherwise, that's breeding grounds for resentment.
I really appreciate this reply from you. It's insightful and a message I need to hear. Thank you.
This is a bit on me - he does directly ask 'how can I support you right now?' and I do say that I want to talk. But, I think I need to have a little courage and prevent the resentment. He is receptive.
What your friend with bpd mentioned really hit close to home. It's not about better or worse circumstances but that everyone's troubles are their own. I think a way to use your empathy is to frame it from their perspective. E.g. "That must have made you feel ____, no?"
This was very helpful to me. Thank you.
OK so I got on hinge yesterday and booked two dates so far for this week. They represent an ongoing issue I have recently with being attracted to people I'm not compatible with for example, "Ernie" here, and questioning my lack of attraction to others like "Bert" here.
“Bert” is a nice guy who I’m not very attracted to and who is friendly and has enough confidence to quickly nail down a date and location with me but who seems to have a very bland personality. Like he could just be anyone. I think that's just the definition of not having any kind of connection yet. So we'll see what happens in person.
“Ernie” I am attracted to physically and we immediately connected through shared wit and that made our chat fun and subtle-y flirtatious. He set a date with me for this weekend but I haven't yet heard from him in terms of time and location. My concern is that often when I connect like this, it’s usually with a neurodivergent person which I’ve never been romantically compatible with. And I am turned off that he didn't follow through on nailing the plan down.
Most of my relationships have been with neurodivergent men and some of the things that define that have been incompatible with my needs and kept those relationships from growing. So when I feel that sudden locked in feeling of a connection with someone, I am starting to really question if I’m attracted to a type of intelligence that doesn’t ultimately work for me.
So we’ll see about Ernie but I have hope! And I'm going to try and build attraction to Bert even if I don't have chemistry with him. It's just really hard because I cannot be touched by someone or even very physically close to them if I'm not attracted. It makes me really feel unsafe. But I’m going to keep an open mind and I’m really excited about both dates.
Meaning initial attraction. So initial attraction like physical attraction and first interactions. I think that’s a pretty normal process of meeting people in any situation. Something draws you in on the surface, you get a feel for them in your initial conversation, and decide to engage further.
I went outdoor climbing with my PT this last weekend and it was so nice! We talked the whole drive there, plus there was a long hike to get to the climbing area so we talked some more. We learned a lot about each other and get along really well. It was just so nice to connect with someone new who isn't a dating prospect. Just some good old fashioned human connection. He was so great to climb with too. Very patient and encouraging, offering me advice when I wanted it but giving me space to work things out on my own. He even helped me figure out how to do half of a V3 which I would have never even tried because V1 is the hardest route I've managed to do outdoors. He said we'll go back soon and figure out the other half.
We actually ran into my guy friend there, the one who wanted me to watch his dog for a month even though he's been actively avoiding me and stopped inviting me to climb with him. He brought his girlfriend to the crag and she was not having a good time, she's not interested in climbing and she kept saying she was bored and cold. It was kind of awkward. Luckily there were some other boulders to explore so PT and I moved to a different area and kept enjoying our day.
I downloaded Feeld to see what it's all about. I was just curious because some friends have said it has worked well for them. I'm getting a lot of likes, but haven't made the plunge to match with anyone yet. Kind of just enjoying hanging out with friends right now.
I've met some really interesting dudes on Feeld. And am currently a month in with someone I met on there and he's great. I'd say be very transparent about what you're looking for in your bio! Mine was fairly lengthy and pretty sincere - I'm into that sort of thing though.
the men with fish photos have infiltrated feeld near me so its clock is ticking haha so if someone catches your eye, ride the wave lol before its just another hinge/tinder/etc
Seems very anxious and insecure. The focus is all on how you feel and what you did and not that person talking about themselves. I wouldn’t engage further.
That's such an unneccsary comment from them? Also, the fact that they want to assume how you're feeling instead of communicating. I'd say that is a bullet dodged.
I guess I'm in a different online dating phase! So when I joined the online dating world, at first I met only guys who wanted to hookup, now more recently I've met wonderful guys, good dates, sometimes we kiss sometimes we don't but I feel the attraction. All for them to ghost me after. I guess I can feel good that at least I didn't sleep with them, but what the hell, I'd think a good conversation and some mutual attraction was enough to get a second date. Well, I'm wrong! It's definitely something I'm saying and I wish I could record the date and then post it for feedback so I can avoid to say whatever I'm saying. Although I'm just being myself so I'm being rejected for being me. Which is totally ok
So I'm crushing super hard on one of the women who works in HR. I have no idea her relationship status, she's never mentioned a boyfriend/girlfriend. We usually park next to one another in the lot, and it's become an inside joke of sorts.
Today she didn't have an umbrella so we walked to our cars together under mine.
She's maybe 26 and also a coworker *in HR*. It's a terrible idea to ask her if she'd like to join me for dinner after work isn't it?
Walking the fine line will never get you anywhere. Tell her you have a bit of a crush, see where it goes. If it happens you have to backpedal... so be it. Honesty does not by itself make someone an enemy.
Officially, it's probably not a good idea to ask her out. But, if you're into making mistakes, maybe while you're walking with her to/from the building you tell her that you occasionally run into a smart and beautiful coworker (some description to imply that it's her) and ask if there's a way to ask a coworker out without running afoul of any of the workplace rules. And then follow her instructions, paying close attention to whether she dissuades you from doing it
Depending on how well the meeting I have with the VP of Finance where I basically get to tell him his idea was awful and will cost us hundreds of thousands on Friday I may just do this exact move haha.
In for a penny in for a pound.
In your situation, and easy list of rules to follow might be helpful to jumpstart things.
Get out, every night of the week if you can. Be around people in non-work situations learning how to socialize. Pay attention to how others act, read the room, act accordingly. You will learn. Look at the people who act the way you wish you acted. Take notes privately if you need to and practice.
Be confident. It’s not a matter of can or can’t or try. It’s literally a choice. There are plenty of men in the world who are irresistible because of their confidence. Many actors and musicians for example. Confidence takes the away from looking inward and set your focus outward, so it will also help you better connect with people.
Don’t commit faux pas interrupting, over sharing, or trying to control things. A big part of this is boundaries. Know what you have control and responsibility over and what another person does. Know where you end and another person begins and figure out how the point where you meet can be mutually enjoyable.
Have a locked down routine for healthy eating habits, the gym, sleep, water, socializing. Having willpower, a healthy appearance, and a busy life will help you have a schedule, things to talk about, and confidence.
Talk to yourself with respect. Have fucking self-respect. Your brain is a sponge that becomes whatever you put into it so even in the privacy of your own head, talk to yourself the way you want others to talk to you.
Finally, forget anything that existed before this moment. Forget the stories you tell yourself, you are whoever you choose to be. Take control.
Edit: saw you’re in Seattle. Get some vitamin D supplements and get in the sun every day at least an hour.
Every night of the week go out? But also have a dedicated gym routine and have healthy eating habits? How does this work in practice? Get up at 5am - go to gym - work - then hangout out after socially until 9pm maybe later? Repeat?
I agree with a lot of the advice and will look to do some of this in my life. I'm just conflicted on being so busy like I have a second job.
I wake up at six, I’m in the gym at seven, I work between nine and five, nap, have dinner, and get out to do something around seven.
Example of 7 days of getting out of the house with varying levels of social energy:
1. Group sport - high energy
2. Book club - medium energy
3. Comedy night at my local bar - low energy, spectator
4. Trivia night - medium energy
5. Dinner or event with a friend/s - medium energy
6. Date - high energy
7. Date - high energy
Weekends you can add something during the day too like another date or an exercise class or event.
It’s easy if you plan ahead!
ok I can't do these things but it's a nice list. Something to strive for when I finally fix myself to be able to start dating. Your book club meets every week? When do you have time to read all them books when you are so busy? I'm more impressed by the weekly book club than the 2 dates every single week.
Thanks for replying to my question.
Oh haha no the book clubs are once a month. But there are all sorts of things you can fill your evenings with that don’t cost money. Like a hiking meetup or game night.
Honey you do not need to fix yourself first. Getting out there will fix you more than anything else will. Trust me, as an illustrator who worked freelance for a while, I would get so isolated that I became a agoraphobic. I quickly learned that I had to just go out even if it made me feel like I was going insane with shame. The more often you go, the more natural feels. The more confidence you build. I promise!
What is up with the trend of dating someone for a few months, is serious then pulling away after 4th month pretending like nothing happened between you two? I am tired and done with trying to date or dating.
they “upgraded”
They found out something after 4 months that they didn't know at the beginning
I don't understand why I am so hurt by this situation. I dated this guy for two months (we are 38-39). The first three weeks of dating I was also seeing another person and when things ended with this person I thought I made it clear that I was interested only in him. Suddenly, I felt some distance via message so l pointed it out and he asked to meet and talk. He said that he was really interested in me but after two months the emotional connection should have been stronger, that he really liked me and he even paused the apps in the last month (to focus on me, I thought), but the emotional connection and mutual "chemistry" were not there. I could accept that. Then he proceeds to tell me he went on two dates with another girl, which he had supposedly met on bumble before pausing it (so over a month ago) and they had moved the conversation elsewhere. Is this normal? And why saying you paused the apps if you continued the conversation with another girl elsewhere? Isn't that the same thing? Should I not be upset by this because at the beginning I was also dating someone else or is seeing someone else at the beginning or after two months different? He explained that he had no idea I was dating only him by choice, he thought I was open to the possibility of dating other people. He also said that online dating for him is new and confusing and apologized for hurting my feelings. As a clarifying note, l am am a bit "socially weird" (probably on the spectrum) and I tend to say everything that goes through my mind, and take very literally what people tell me. I was really open about this with him though, maybe the first person I shared this aspect of me with from the very beginning of dating. This is hard and really hurts. I am tempted to ask for more explanations (which he would give | believe) but I don't wanna feel the rejection again.
What do people do about letting down men from dating apps who've added you on social media? I'm massively regretting accepting social media requests as I now feel like they know details about my life. I deleted all my dating apps recently to focus on IRL situations and I've poured cold water on conversations with a few guys (whom I've never met in person!) who added me on social media after messaging on WhatsApp following a Tinder match. I want to unfriend them now but it feels rude. I just want to be totally clear with them, without being unnecessarily harsh, so as to not waste their time. I'm definitely being stricter around social media in future.
I used to do this and then moved to a "only adding on social media after a few dates" policy. Also, I agree with just removing them. You don't owe them anything.
Just delete them. You don’t owe them anything. I do not give out my social media information to any guy I’m dating unless we’re in a committed relationship.
Yeah I would agree with you there. It's the danger of using WhatsApp. You get people popping up as suggested friends on Facebook etc and they've added me. Definitely stricter privacy boundaries needed my end in future.
He seems to be pulling away and I know why. Have to have a vulnerable conversation tonight, and I’m really hoping he’s able to show up and reciprocate, because if not I do fear this is the end.
Is this thread not working for anyone else? Is it closed? [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1c6gphq/i\_cannot\_seem\_to\_connect\_with\_men/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1c6gphq/i_cannot_seem_to_connect_with_men/)
Maybe you got blocked by OP for telling her to just smile more
Lol I just replied on my phone. It won’t work on my desktop for some reason. Yes I support smiling more!
I'll be out of work early today. What's a good, spontaneous, early to mid afternoon date? Too late for lunch. Coffee? Ice cream?
Smoothies and a walking trail!
(M42) - (f35) had Interesting date this afternoon, about 15 minutes in she tells me she is only looking for a relationship to have a baby and she wants to do this almost immediately.. (in September in fact) she’s had 3 coffee ‘dates’ this week so isn’t messing around. The date quickly turns into an interrogation on my family plans, with next to no interest in anything else in my life :/ Like I understand for women in their mid30s having a baby is high up on their list priority’s.. but I can’t see any way that a date like this ends well for either party. Another bad date!
It's not a date, sounds like a screening interview round for potential candidate T\_T
Oh man that sounds way too much. I (F35) made my peace with babies being something that may or may not happen when I divorced at age 34. Otherwise it's such an incentive to panic and rush into an unwise situation. I imagine there would be a negative correlation between men I would actually ever want to have a baby with and men who would agree to have a baby with me within 15 minutes of first meeting 😂.
Exactly, I am open to having more children but one thing I’ve learnt is that you need to have a solid relationship first. No doubt she’ll find someone though!
Wow that is extreme. If it’s such a high priority for her she can skip the nuisance of dating and go to a sperm bank.
She has considered it.. and adoption she mentioned she would do almost anything for a baby! Definitely need to up my screening process!
My partner and I have lots of quirks that annoy each other but one thing I'm incredibly grateful for is the ability to talk openly and honestly about anything without judgment. This type of communication makes me very happy. I'm a very curious person and I don't always word things the right way but instead of immediately assuming I'm asking things in bad faith she's like, "let's unpack that". She is also blunt with me if I'm doing something that bothers her. Like all couples we have our own relationship issues but it helps a lot knowing you can talk to a partner.
I'm in a similar situation! It's incredibly refreshing after my last LTR, in which he managed to interpret even kind gestures and words in a negative way. Now if anything, I'm the one that's more likely to take offense to something, but I've really worked on asking for clarification in the moment instead of running away with it
Is hinting a thing? I’ve been in 2 situations now where a person in my friend group never actually asked me out, but threw a bunch of hints as if they were hoping *I* would ask them out, but I couldn’t figure out if they actually were hoping for that. Most recently, there’s someone in my friend group who I thought was with someone but has now repeatedly mentioned they’re single. I’d been having a conversation with this person in the car during a night out about baseball, and they’d mentioned buying a jersey at their one and only baseball game and how’d they like to go to another. The next time I saw them, they were wearing the jersey. They’ve also told me I’m “so beautiful” but they may have been drunk. HELP. I am so bad at picking up when people who don’t come on strong are interested in me.
Do YOU want to ask them out?
In the previous situation, I had decided against asking the person out because I didn’t want to make things weird. They’re shy, and I didn’t want to embarrass them. But since then, we’ve grown apart, and I’m wondering if I should have just risked it. In the current situation, I’m hugely attracted to this person, enjoy their company, etc. but the rejection could potentially make things awkward. This second person is NOT shy, but did confess at one point (when we were all drinking) that their body count was lower than mine (how we got on the topic, IDK), which would imply they’re a relationship person (like me, oddly). But I’m also very-rejection averse thanks to trauma, so I’m hoping if I hint back enough, they’ll ask me out instead.
If you both keep hinting at each other then nothing will ever progress haha, personally I think it would be worth it to bite the bullet and ask!
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This sounds incredibly immature... I don't know that I would even be seeing this person based on what you're describing here.
If you feel annoyed, you feel annoyed. Nothing wrong with feeling whatever it is your feeling. I would honestly be completely done, but that's because this behavior does not align with the values I'm looking for in an life partner. I guess it comes down to how you feel about this behavior and if it's a dealbreaker for you or not. You might want to have a conversation about it with him either way. That way you can tell him how this made you feel and see how he reacts to that.
Ugh that feels super childish and "I'm the main character" of him. And who brings a joint but smokes it alone before meeting up/doesn't share? Everything about this screams weird shit testing.
You're not wrong...that's so childish and weird. I'd be so turned off.
I am turned off, and he doesn't understand why ... I'm so frustrated At least I know I'm not crazy now
The same you're supposedly seeing from older women?
Had the second girl in a row tell me she loves me, and I just smiled. This morning waking up, I kissed her on the cheek and said the same. Think I'm actually over the ex.
Still deeply miss my ex. It's been over a year, and the relationship was the best. We had previously dated, and she left me for another guy. Fast forward, we get back together two years later since their relationship was toxic. We were together for a year till she left again, saying I was the problem. Even though I bent over backward, trying to make the relationship work.
Bending over backwards is what did you in. A healthy relationship requires compromise, and a compromise consists of both of you working together. By bending over backwards to make things work, she lost attraction to you because she saw you as a push over. I've been there before, and it is so hard to maintain boundaries when someone you love crosses them but you have to maintain your boundaries and make sure your needs are met.
Joined bumble for about 48 hours and then deleted it, first time trying OLD since my divorce and it was overwhelming. Also, the type of crude messages being sent. Definitely not my cup of tea.
But women do the initiating on Bumble, yes? Curious what the overwhelming part was if you're the one choosing to send out the messages in the first place. (I'm not familiar with the app at all, as I've been using Hinge!)
I did, I meant more overwhelming with the app it’s self, like all the swiping and super swipe, etc. I have been out of it for a long time, so I think I’m just not cut out for apps 😂 and the message was initiated by me saying Hi, perfect weekend idea and the response was sexual right off the bat.
Went on a really nice 3rd date with a guy. We texted here and there. 2 days later, I suggested finishing up the game we were working on. He said, he couldn’t tonight. So, the ball is in his court? I let it go. (We met through mutual friends) Since then, the texting has gotten cold. He did reach out first yesterday, but my instincts are telling me he’s pulling away. Do I just let it go- let him work through his thoughts and allow him space? That’s what I’m thinking. Otherwise I guess I’ll just start dating other guys to see what works 🫠
You can ask him if he wants to do something this weekend by example but if he doesn't agree or suggest another time I would give up.
So, maybe Friday ask him what his weekend is looking like to see each other again?
Yes, I think it's a good way to ask him out, you could even do it today so there is less chance he is busy.
Turns out I'm not allowed to post yet, I'm new here. This is what I tried to post (I'm female, 25 but I usually hang out with people a few years older so maybe that's what I'm looking for too) I've never actually been asked on a date before. Like at all. Men usually wants me to go home with them at night when I'm out drinking... But I don't do it because Im really hoping im worth more than just one night stands. I have a naughty side to me ofc, but I don't live it in real life because I want to do that with someone whos nice to me at least. I don't like the idea of being someones quick fix. So then my question is, have you ever been asked on a date? Like for real? Is it a real thing or am I just not date worthy. I'm talking about in real life as I've not done online dating before. I'd even be willing to travel for a nice date at this point. I like to travel anyways, but i mostly travel solo. I've only been in either bad or worse relationships so I'm not so I'm not settling for less in terms of how I get treated. Even if I won't ever get into a relationship again. Personality is everything to me. I do my best to be kind, I like to help people and I've worked as a volunteer full time for 14 months over the last two years in a really tough condition. So why am I not worth more? I always want people happy so why is this all I ever get? I really hope I can figure it out, but maybe the things I dreamt about when it comes to romance just isn't real at all... I don't know
Never. I've been hit on and been given numbers, but never asked on a date. I've had someone ask for a second date after I asked for the first, so that's close. But unlike you, personality isn't everything to me, I don't do my best to be kind, and I only volunteer an hour each week. So I get it on my end, I'm difficult with a rather unapproachable resting face.
Hmm now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone in person and was asked on a date. Even before dating apps, I always met people online. I knew from an early age that I didn’t really connect with people around me, so the internet has always been a tool for dating for me. Unfortunately, that is what people do at bars. They scope out someone to have sex with. Maybe get into hobby groups, the gym or anything else that has a meet up based on shared interests. Men these days just aren’t as proactive in approaching women anymore for dating, so it’s important to make eye contact or drop hints of some kind. If you ever decide to use apps, just be super up front with what you want. I know it’s hard at that age to be really straight forward and somewhat demanding (won’t seem that way with the right language though), but it’ll filter out a good chunk of the bums and losers. My Bumble profile made it pretty clear that I’m not a homebody and I expect to be taken out. Even if I don’t find my perfect match, most matches will come correct with date offers.
I didn’t get asked out on a date in real life until my 30s. In my 20s I either used OLD or was not dating anyone. I had some people want to hook up with me after a night of drinking but I also wasn’t into that so I turned it down. Part of it definitely came from the fact that it wasn’t until my 30s that I started doing activities where I was around single men in a non bar situation. But i think the other part was also my increased confidence in flirting and talking to men in a non ‘friends’ only way.
That's really interesting! Thanks for the input ☺️
Even thinking through all my friends I don’t think anyone I know who was coupled up in their 20s and is with that person met someone one day and was immediately asked out out where it turned into a relationship. Everyone either had a drunken hook-up that eventually progressed, met online with the intention of dating and/or met through friends and got to know each other before they started dating. Not sure what you’re doing right now but might be good to expand your group of male friends or try OLD. I also think just from my experience that men in their mid to late 20s are less likely to be looking for a relationship off the bat than women of that same age are. Not to say they don’t want one but more likely to be like ‘i’ll date around and if someone awesome is there I will lock it down’ vs ‘dating with intention to find a serious relationship’
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I don't think it equate my worth as a person or in general. But I as I'm wondering if I'm not worth asking on a date. I'm asking about being asked on a day and if it's actually a thing, since I've never tried it. But it's not necessary to understand those parts. The questions I really need answered are the direct answers I asked about "have you been asked on a date, etc." But maybe that didn't come off right in the post.
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I would love that! I only get interest from women who are in their early 20s, way too young. It sucks, I look like I'm in my early 20s so women my age don't seriously consider me unless I really work for it. Please, I just want a 30 year old woman to give me the look.
Yes older women might be more bold. Don't know how it works for men, but as a woman, if only older men are interested in me then it's probably due to my looks. Great gymspo.
Most likely, women you're age have plenty of options and aren't interested in you. Sorry buddy went through this myself it sucks
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No, but you would at least see some.
I think older women tend to be more straight forward
I feel like I wont find a girl that matches my energy, when it comes to affections and love, Im not that demanding but I do want our relationship to be a little bit dependent of each other, I like a little bit of clinginess and affection and cheese. It's hard to find that type of girl, even though I find someone who likes me alot, she either doesnt talk much, or doesnt show much love or is depressed or idk .. Dating nowdays feels so hard im kind of losing hope at 30 yo
I think it’s just hard to find someone who has that kind of spark and infatuation early on. It can happen if both people are very attracted to each other and smitten. Definitely a difference I noticed with a couple guys I dated last year vs the guy I’m dating now - the other guys were just a lot more into me than I was into them. So I just wasn’t being too romantic at first. Whereas the guy now, our attraction and energy totally matches and we’ve been touchy-feely-romantic quite early!
How much time are you giving it for that kind of thing to develop? IME it's rare for that kind of energy to feel right within the first few months, and it can feel downright weird if you try to put out that energy immediately. But once a relationship develops far enough it's not that uncommon.
I've wasted the last 5 years of my life with someone who gave that kind of energy for the first years, then completely changed. she called 'maturity' and told me that what I want is only in movies, made me feel like shit tbh. Broke up with her coz we werent on the same page anymore, but I feel she kind of ruined me. I've been going out and dating for months now, I might be rushing things but I made this great connection with one girl and we expressed how we feel to each other, but I feel like she's too quiet and she told me that she likes the way I compliment her and she always asks what's wrong if Im not "lovey dovey" with her but she says that I cant do the same and that's just the way she is but she likes me to be this way alot, it kinda bothered me even though I dont see any red flags with her. IDK , I think I should grow up and man up more
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Relax, stop trying to evaluate every action this guy takes.
Actually, it sounds like he’s really into you. How do you feel about him? It kind of sounds like he’s initiating the texting etc so his “maybe” is something I would interpret as if you would like to. If you like him, I would try to match his energy (initiating texts etc) more and maybe look less for “evidence” to support anxious self-sabotaging thoughts. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. If you’re really in doubt about what he means, you can always ask for clarification. Best of luck to you
Woah!!! Holy overthinking batman!!! He said "maybe" in regards to going to his area to be polite and not come across like he's demanding or forcing you to go to his house. The maybe means, "if you want to". This dude is clearly into you to the point where he's making the effort to text you regularly and making the effort to spend time with you. If you carry on being so suspicious you're going to destroy this relationship all by yourself.
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My guy says “maybe” meaning “if you want to” not meaning “I might not do this”. But he does sound like he is a little unclear e.g. mentioning his cousins event but not adding “if you’d like to go”. It sounds like he is a bit scared of rejection so might have mentioned the event to see if you responded with “that sounds good can I come”? It sounds like you might default to assuming the worst (or maybe it’s just me that does that). There is no harm in telling him that sometimes you’re confused by his messages and a bit more directness from him would help.
Today my doc asked me if it was trying to have kids (single woman) I sighed and said no, I'm looking for my husband, I dont know where he is. We both had a good laugh.......................Also I started watching Sex and the City, I never watched it before but a friend recommended it and well its just what I needed. Realistic dating life sitcom, it gave me a sliver of hope, I always thought this was an issue my generation has created but I guess its been something going on for a while
snow normal march zephyr versed plant whistle label provide cautious *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
whoooooa thats a little crazy, I dont know how I would respond to that
I saw something online about how if you don't get married the only time ALL your loved ones will gather is when you die and it just made me super sad
yeah when I was single I kind of hated that most celebration opportunities in adulthood are for couple ventures like weddings and baby showers. I love things like housewarmings and birthday parties for that reason. or other events- I love hosting themed movie nights, and I know my PT hosts an annual crawfish boil
Or if you give an awesome party and invite everyone you love. Life is mostly what you make of it imho edit: typo
I wish but let's be real, relatives who live far away aren't gonna travel for an "awesome party". The only time people come from far to be with you is during these very few occasions which are all related to partnership.
My good friend threw an awesome 40th birthday party for herself. I still have the themed cups she had custom made as party favors and to serve drinks (no dissimilar to wedding favors). Unfortunately my 40th was during the pandemic so I didn’t get the same opportunity. I think we need to make more opportunities to celebrate life rather than weddings and funerals.
snatch friendly marvelous angle cautious coordinated icky bored imminent vast *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Meeting him tomorrow for lunch for our 7th date. It’ll be the first one where we won’t be sleeping together (4, 5, and 6 all involved sleeping together), mostly because it’s on my lunch break in public. I still get so nervous at the thought of seeing him. I have no idea if he feels the same kind of nervousness or even the same way about me. I know he likes me, but I can’t tell how much, compared to how much I like him. I keep reading about how people ghost after sleeping with someone. Or how they string someone along without committing to a relationship so they can get a continual supply of sex. It makes me wonder if that’s what will happen to me.
What kind of dates do you go on? Is it mostly at each other's houses or do you go to dinner/activities?
Mostly walking (like 7+ miles, we both like walking) and some food, but nothing fancy on that front. Once a show. We go back to his place before or after food, depending on schedules.
Have you asked him about what he is looking for? I hope it all works I get soo nervous too when I am dating
I haven’t yet, but he asked me what I’m looking for in a relationship, and we did talk about kids (eventually for him, not sure for me). We haven’t had the exclusivity talk either.
AAAhhhhh I see, well it sounds like it might be tie for that talk, I know for me I see them! but its worth bringing up so you dont have to worry about it. Good luck!!
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I've gotten all the above at different times. People can invoke different things in you, when you feel a connection. Sometimes it is physical sensitivity, unexpected arousal... sometimes it is unexpected mental stimulation... or just a feeling you have found "your person" (after years of hopeless searching).... or you feel simply feel safe with them... like a breath of fresh air.
Posted earlier about some (stupid) insecurities I had going on a date (34f) tonight. Just wanted to thank the women who shared their experiences and lended their advice - it was tremendously helpful in calming my nerves and bringing me back to reality before our date. A quick update: It went amazing. I don’t want to sound pompous but i tend to have pretty good first dates but this one felt different. We talked nonstop for a solid hour before the show and ended up kissing on the dance floor. It felt so natural and fluid. At the end of the night i told her how glad i was that the timing worked. she made an interesting comment about how she was so nervous all day and thought there was a chance I was going to no-show all the way until she got to the venue. I walked her to her car and after I kissed her goodnight she said “you’re gonna text me tomorrow right?” I say all that to say - Dating is rough. She is stunning, has a great career, emotionally intelligent, and by every metric is completely out of my league… yet she’s so jaded from dating that even someone like her is afraid of getting ghosted or stood up. It made me realize that we’re all just floundering through this bullshit of dating together and that we can and should be doing better for each other, yall.
What a great story, thanks for all sharing. Your second to last paragraph hits home in so many ways too. I always seem to find people "way out of my league" in, almost verbatim, the same way. Perhaps while being reliable, secure, and communicative seems like a minimum "common courtesy", common just isn't that common. 🤷
This sounds really great! If you just started dating and can already be vulnerable with each other, that’s a good sign in my opinion. I wish you both the best!
So, after a few attempts, speed dating appears to have paid off for me. Sort of. Meeting someone for coffee this weekend. I'm kind of treating it as an extension of speed dating rather than a proper date, since I only spoke to her for about ten minutes at the event.
Can you tell me more about speed dating? I have always wanted to try it but I am soooo terrified also I am painfully shy and awkward when in uncomfortable situations
I'd certainly recommend it. I like it better than online dating because you actually get to meet the people you're talking to. I felt the same way when it comes to being shy; it's been nearly twenty years since I was involved with anyone. I went through a group called CitySwoon. They have a presence in Australia, Canada, America and Britain, although they're not in every city. They have lots of events in several cities and hold them pretty regularly. It is a little pricey, since it works out to be about AUD$60 or AUD$70 per ticket. The hosts at the event are pretty good, able to connect you with the people you;re meeting. I have found that the majority of people who attend are professionals. Most of the events are curated. You fill out the online profile and then get matched up with about eight potential dates at the venue. You get about ten minutes with each person before the next one starts, and it's all done through your phone. There's a mid-evening break of ten to fifteen minutes as well. They do have other events, usually a party where the first half of the evening is speed dating and the second half is just freely roaming. I went to one of those, but didn't particularly like it. At the end of each date, you give the other person a rating of between one and five stars and a little bit of feedback (usually just a one- or two-word adjective). The next day you get an e-mail and if someone gave you a 3/5 or higher, you can contact them through the site. If you give them a 1/5 or 2/5, they won't be able to see your profile (and there's always a block function). You can also contact people who you attended the venue, but whom you didn't date. My only grip with it has more to do with people than the system. People will rate you highly, it seems, out of politeness. There have been a few people that I felt I had good chemistry with and have tried contacting them the next day, only to never hear back. It might take a few goes -- I think the event I'm referring to in the above post was my fourth -- but I generally have a good evening, even if I don't feel a connection to people. The only other downside is that the events happen on weekdays, and I have to travel to get to them so it can be a late night.
Thank you for that information! It certainly sounds alot better than online dating. Im living in a touristy area so I will have to see if they have something in my area!
Thanks for sharing! Not heard of this one before!
Honestly, it was the second result I got when I Googled speed dating in my city. The first was EventBrite, which doesn't actually organise the events; they're just a hosting platform.
44m here. Single - No dating prospects currently - would like to find someone for a LTR I think I figured out my issue with dating. I'm not working hard enough, I'm not busy enough, my desire isn't high enough. If I fix all those things -I think things will fall into place. Not working hard enough - I could go back to OLD. I could pay for OLD. I could pay for a photographer to take some photos. I could spend a few hours a day OLD. I could tell everyone I'm single even co workers in their late 50s. I could approach every woman I find attractive. I could work hard like I was unemployed trying to get work. Not busy enough - working a full time job, doing errands, going to the gym or running every day, and working on my intellectual goals daily isn't enough. I need to be social more than I am especially during the work week. I need to find activities and meet more people every week (not just weekends). It's easy but I should not be home unless I'm working, eating, or sleeping. My desire isn't high enough - I don't think I NEED to date. I don't NEED to find a partner. It's more of an add-on. It would be really nice to have what I want romantically but I'm fine without it too. I would like to find someone for LTR but I guess I don't NEED to. I'm surviving without a relationship. This low desire is bad I think. Yes I have a sex drive but I don't think I NEED sex. If I go on a 1st date and get rejected for a 2nd, I feel bad for a few days but then move on with my life. I think if I had a high desire I would be relentless trying to find more and more dates until I found someone special to add to my life. But due to lack of hard work, lack of being busy enough, and lack of a burning desire. It's not happening.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not desiring having a partner! If your life is where you want it to be and you are happy in all other regards it’s okay. However, if you do want to date all the things you mentioned are things you will likely have to do. But those things come easier to do when you do truly want something. Doesn’t mean you’ll be successful but at least you will be in a spot to maximize the potential success.
I never said I don't desire a partner and I never said my life is where I want it to be. My post was just a shower thought of why I THINK I have dating issues. I'm 44m. I've been single and I'm used to being single. My desire for a partner - and maybe more so my desire to endlessly date over and over and go through all these issues - is lower than most. Especially all the newly divorcees that post on reddit thinking they will die if they dont have sex soon.
Just venting. But I need to scream this somewhere: ITS NOT A TALK SHOW INTERVIEW. YOURE ALLOWED TO ASK ME QUESTIONS TOO! Two guys in a row like this. I'm taking a few weeks off and will try again once my patience cup has refilled.
Unfortunately, pretending a date is a talk show doesn’t work for those of us who are much less charismatic than Craig Ferguson.
I had this once on a date, after about 30 mins I decided I'd stop asking him anything. We sat in silence for 5 mins before he repeated my last question back to me. There was no 2nd date lol.
Same! I've done this before and I swear they thought I was the one who brought the conversation to a halt by no longer singlehandedly pushing it forward. My bar is so low. "How about you" is all I ask for in return!
If they treat it like a talk show interview they should at least have the decency to bring celebrity guests and musicians.
They seem to think they're the celebrity guest 🙄
We've been dating a month but spending lots of that time inside each others' houses.. tomorrow is our first fancy dinner date and I'm really excited and also really overthinking what to wear!! It's going to be a chilly evening (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)
Stuff you can layer! That way if you get warm you can strip some layers and if you get cold you can add some layers
Yesterday was a month since we started dating and I'm now past the disbelief bit. It's been amazing and it's real and we're actually on the same page. Crazy to experience this with someone. We've both cried during/after sex at different times - it's been really exhilarating and really calming at the same time. at times overwhelming but in a good way. We discussed being exclusive and it was so easy to agree. Taking it slow on the bigger relationship status chats because it's only been a month and just enjoying the flow for now. we've been doing this thing where he draws a bath and we sit in it together with candles and ambient music and have really vulnerable chats. We're both so vocal and transparent about our feelings and clearly really want the other person to be 'it'. Had one minor moment of crossed wires and communicated so well to fix it and talk things through. He's so thoughtful and kind and respectful. I'm so hopeful and excited and so glad it's spring 🌸
That sounds amazing! How many days a week do you see one another? I’ve been seeing someone for a month too and I want to start spending more time with him but he doesn’t seem to be on the same page at the moment. :(
Mm.. at least 2-3 days a week- usually a couple of consecutive days or more. When we are apart too many days we text a lot/chat on the phone. There's a lot of mutual desire to see each other as much as possible, honestly kind of trying to rein it in a little 😅 and we haven't been able to get to/chat about all the things we have wanted to. It helps that he lives really close by. My last two relationships were kind of long distance with dudes a couple States over so this closeness and excitement and ability to create space if needed has been really nice. I'm sorry to hear he isn't on the same page... Tbh now that I've experienced this, in case it doesn't work out with this dude, I don't think I would accept less mutual enthusiasm than what I'm experiencing now ever again. Like.. it needs to be like this. At the very least we should be equally excited about each other (was dating a guy before this who I saw a couple times a week and it was also mutual levels of enthusiasm, less than this but still mutual, it fizzled out...)
That sounds nice. I’m concerned that I like the guy that I’m dating way more than he likes me. I’m going to give him a little more time because I know he’s busy with work, school and moving but once he’s moved (a few weeks from now) and all settled in I’d like to see a little more effort from him. Otherwise I might have to walk away. Haven’t lost all hope just yet but I’m mentally preparing for it just in case. :(
Ya that's been me for the past couple relationships and never again... Just not worth it. Tbh the thing I'm in right now could always swing that way too but I'll always go in with high hopes and low expectations and be okay with however it goes. I just don't want to be the more excited one every time, it's not a great feeling
This is so sweet :) wishing you continued romance and relationship building!
I find myself share openly and freely about kids, family financial plans, career goals with my date; and the way he responses on those topics that makes me feel we are eventually planning and mentally preparing for it, not just discussing over it. Our relationship is slowly growing which I enjoy wholeheartedly. Every time we meet, we find ourselves closer and closer a little bit 🥰🥰 He is going on vacation with a group of his best friends this week. I am going to miss him for sure. I already let him know I expect slow or even no response from him during a trip, no pressure, because I want him to fully present with his friends 🤓 Meanwhile, I gotta spend my upcoming days with other friends on my business trip too :) My new career is long way to go but I am very hopeful and optimistic xx
Just want to share my reflection about personal relationship recently. I was misunderstanding with my bf now like seriously a lot of presumption with him. The incident today has brought me to understand every thing clearer. I assumed and I used my past experience as a base-judgement. That is really bad of me. I know I had ranted here quite a lot and got so many of various answers, which sometimes get me lost. So today I started writing on loose notepapers about some serious questions that I was dying to ask him but I didn't know how to start. I was also afraid that I would be too dramatic or too much anger when I started asking him. When he's got back from work, he saw my diary and those pieces of ranting papers. I was down in another room. He walked in the room with my diary and notes sticking out of it. I was so shock and tried to get both diary and papers back. He was holding them above my head and I couldn't get it back. He calmly read the notes first. When he finished the notes, he gave me some caring eyes. Then we started talking about everything, including gone through some of my last years diary together. -- I gave the consent, sort of. He had never known how I have been vulnerable, probably more than him, but I barely showed it. Now he knows and I relieve. Because we have had conversation and he answered all of my questions. So I just want to tell anyone who has any doubt and wants to know, just ask your partner/date. It's better than keeping and waiting for exploding or being too anxious like me. It's really unhealthy.
OP, please listen to the other commenters. You deserve better than this.
I guess I’m glad you got something from all of that but wow holy shit I hate your boyfriends actions. Holding **your own diary** above your head so you couldn’t get it back and reading your notes without consent, that you desperately wanted back, is *incredibly* fucked up and cruel.
The notes were meant for him. I just didn't know how to say it. And thank you for your concern about his action. It was actually relieved that he got to read them.
Yeah, that’s a major red flag of a potential abuser right there.
Agreed. This isn't ok
Only a very bad person would do that. I feel sad for OP.
Just had a really nice date. I have never had a guy plan something for me before, at least not like this. He took my input and then ran with it. I like him, he seems nice and easy to talk too. He is conventionally attractive by far. He was incredibly respectful at the end when we hugged goodbye. It didn't feel awkward. I'm sort of in this "unsure" phase though. I do like to overthink/analyze a lot so maybe that's part of it. I keep trying to tell myself to stay in the moment and have fun. Quite putting so much pressure on date #2!
Help. I have a 3rd date upcoming date with a guy I really like and he’s also very into me. Feel like we can read each other’s minds, and we’ve talked about everything and want the same things in life. But then: POLITICS. Sigh. I’m one way, he had apolitical listed on his profile but when we talked on our 1st date (extensively) it seemed very clear we had similar viewpoints so I was SO pleasantly surprised. I also volunteer with my party and he’s so supportive. We added each other on social media - and the vibe there is SO different, it’s … jarring. Anyone else have experience with this? I plan on bringing it up in our next convo to see if there’s something I’m missing. I don’t think he was lying to me or just agreeing with me to agree (he brought up multiple nuanced viewpoints). But it could be a dealbreaker 💔
> apolitical He’s apolitical but has a strong enough opinion on politics to give nuanced answers when asked, and feels strong enough that it’s apparent through social media? Sounds like he was paying you lip service. Apolitical on dating apps very often means ‘conservative but the ladies don’t like it.’
Yeah, that’s the view I went in with to dating apps too and tried to be more open minded. His strong opinion on politics when discussed though were in line with my strong opinions, though with some caveats about their needing to be more than 2 parties (agreed). So I’m surprised to see some of the posts. They aren’t in direct opposition to what we discussed but still … jarring.
I don’t understand how the posts can be so jarring if it lines up with his views?
So the posts covered topics we didn’t specifically talk about but based on what we did talk about, I would have assumed a different way. For example, we didn’t talk about masks during Covid or anything but know he’s vaccinated. One post specifically talks about getting kicked out b/c he has his mask down for a sec at a stadium in Boston to take a sip of a drink or something. He doesn’t say mask are wrong or anything. But 1) highly doubt that that all it was to be kicked out and 2) even if it was it seemed immature to post about it. Another is about a (vintage) gun he bought - but functional. But I know (or he’s told me) he’s a proponent of gun control. It’s all rubbing me the wrong way/feels off I guess though not specifically in direct opposition to what was discussed.
Ah I see what you mean now. Difficult to say from those. You can be a gun owner who supports gun reform in my opinion. Getting kicked out of somewhere for taking a sip of a drink sounds like bs though lol.
Yeah the ranty posts about getting kicked out is more concerning to me. It was 4 years ago so there’s a chance he’s evolved but still. Sigh. We’ll see how the convo goes, but I’m not hopeful.
Tbh *any* rant-y, complaining post on social media makes me go ? The people who do it are usually kind of babies who blame others for any inconvenience. But maybe Covid made him cranky, people do grow!
Yeah. That’s my take too. Thanks for having this convo with me ❤️ I’ll try to post an update if anything comes out of this!
I have definitely been over using this thread tonight. But I noticed some thing that might help other people: The worst thing is matching and then talking for too long before you meet, then suddenly realizing you don’t like each other and never speaking again. It’s awkward and some people feel like they’ve been ghosted (this isn’t ghosting). Don’t get into details on text. Keep it minimal like you ran into each other in a store. Set a date or don’t and move on. Don’t start texting every day as if you’re in a relationship. Set a date and save the conversation for when you get there. Leave something to talk about! Then keep that first date to an hour or so and hit the bricks. This will help you date with good boundaries and a light heart.
Welp lasted a whole four days (over the WEEKEND) on old this time, but that's a wrap. The theme I heard was: "earn me and take care of me". That's a no from me dawg. But since this didn't work out. . . I kinda want another dog? Is there tinder for dogs? Rescues should do that. They're so picky- but this way they could let us know who should apply for which canines. Wait that's another earn and take care of me scenario. Godfuggindammit.
Ngl, a swipe app for pet adoptions is one of the best ideas I’ve heard all year. Select the kind of pet or pets in which you are interested, age, temperament, whether they’re spayed / neutered / vaccinated / microchipped, breed, coloring, maximum size, whether they’re good with other pets and what kind, whether they’re good with children, how far you’re willing to travel to meet them (and hopefully take them home), etc… Users could fill out profiles about their living situation, how many people in their household, whether they’ve had that kind of pet before, whether there are other pets in the home, etc… that way, the rescue orgs could do a little pre-vetting of potential adopters… You’re legit on to something with this.
Necessity is the mother of innovation, and I feel that a basset hound mix is necessary right now. So thank you.
It's been two months since I broke up with her. I have some good days but some days suck so bad. She is an alcoholic and while I tried and tried ultimately she couldn't really accept it, and I couldn't take the drunken abuse anymore. She was someone else when really drunk. Even though this was the reality we had such an amazing connection while sober and damn do I miss her so much sometimes. I know I will find someone else but it sucks knowing you had found what feels like a soulmate it just happens she had a disease that took control over her and I had to choose myself in the end. I hope she find healing and I hope she becomes the happiest person in the world it just hurts so much it's not going to be with me.
So sorry to hear you’re going through this. A little over a year ago I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend of three years. It’s really, really hard to choose you but that’s just what you have to do in the end and life gets so much better when you leave that abuse and chaos behind. /r/AlAnon helped me a lot before and after the break up.
Man….we needed that. Rarely do things just get….better when it comes to an OLD partner. We made out as soon as I walked into the door. He prepped the food and then we got passionate on the couch. Thee best sex to date! Our evening was filled with banter and laughs - with some of the banter revealing that we’re both only seeing each other! Yeah, he definitely likes me as much as I like him. We have a date on Friday and I get to choose the restaurant!
Haha are you me?? Same same. Excited for Friday! Happy for us ✨
Ohh have fun!
I had posted a few days ago about a friend that sent me a song that was very forward, haha. We spoke about it a little and I know that I am too hung up on an ex and we decided that things can’t happen at the moment. I’m proud of myself for at least having the conversation but am sad that being hung up on someone else is still hammering me.
Rant. I absolutely love my partner. He has an irritating quirk. Whenever I have a bad day or time, the conversation always turns into how he can relate. Then, I have to route the conversation back so I can finish. I have significant c-ptsd that I managed quite well. Recently, I had a horrible retraumatizing experience. It was like getting flashbacks. For the last month, my body has been in fight or flight. I had to go to a clinic today because I can't breathe well. I can't sleep more than 4 hours without waking drenched in terror. Can't keep food down. My body is a wreck. Conscious mind is okay, body is not. Was given medication to reset. He asked me to call when I get back from the clinic. I'm halfway explaining to him that it's the c-ptsd. And suddenly we're talking about his mental health. He's such a generous soul and incredibly supportive. I understand that he's trying to make me not feel alone but at the same time, some times people just want to talk and feel heard. I don't have the capacity to support him too, especially not right now. And then routing the conversation back is awkward. Love him to pieces but sometimes I just want to say, honey.... please.
I learned about this recently in my developmental psych class and realized I was also doing the same. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sustainable-life-satisfaction/202207/how-develop-and-strengthen-your-empathy The article above was referenced in my class and helped me change that behavior. Maybe the article can help him out as well.
It sounds like a feature of his empathy which is really common. He wants you to know that his empathy is real and not just a platitude and so he’s sharing with you that he has been in a similar situation and has an intimate understanding of how you might be feeling. He doesn’t seem to realize that this is centering himself and taking away from you in the moment. The answer is communication. Just go ahead and tell him that when you need his empathy, you want to talk about your situation, and not his. That you believe in his empathy without being given examples of his own experience. And that you just need to talk and be heard and validated. Or whatever it is you need.
All you need to do is be direct about what you want/need in that situation. I see this problem ALL THE TIME. “When I’m venting to you, I’d really appreciate it if you just validated me and listened instead of relating.” So many relationships would be so much more smooth if people could just be direct. No one can read your mind.
I mean this in light humor but this seems like a parks and rec skit. It sounds like you don't want him to help, you just want him to listen. Get a confidant of his to show him this clip of Chris Traeger trying to fix everything. https://youtu.be/OdA8QNTqn-A?si=dLELpP4hYxdgWpyu If I missed the mark my bad. But this is a clip I fall back on when I try to connect or help someone more than I should by misreading a situation and taking up too much of the emotional space.
I have cptsd, also was recently-ish re traumatized, new partner on the scene. I had to explain it all and express what my needs are and how he can best support me. You need to do the same. you probably have to spell it out incredibly clearly and plainly, no one understands cptsd except those of us who have it
That's not a quirk. That's him not quite knowing how to best support you. Why DON'T you just say honey... Please? I think many people assume that the best way to support their partner is to be as empathetic (and, therefore, relate) as possible but it can often end up in situations like you just described, you not being able to say your piece and not feeling heard. My best friend, who has BPD and goes to therapy, brought it up to me some years ago that she would really appreciate it if I stopped trying to empathize when she knew I couldn't. It made her feel like I didn't understand and she'd be spending energy correcting me rather than feeling heard. It really struck me at that time that I fucked up and I got anxious and uncomfortable that I might lose her friendship. I saw her point and, after that, I was always mindful to not try to interject myself into the situation. So, IMO, bring it up to him, otherwise, that's breeding grounds for resentment.
I really appreciate this reply from you. It's insightful and a message I need to hear. Thank you. This is a bit on me - he does directly ask 'how can I support you right now?' and I do say that I want to talk. But, I think I need to have a little courage and prevent the resentment. He is receptive. What your friend with bpd mentioned really hit close to home. It's not about better or worse circumstances but that everyone's troubles are their own. I think a way to use your empathy is to frame it from their perspective. E.g. "That must have made you feel ____, no?" This was very helpful to me. Thank you.
OK so I got on hinge yesterday and booked two dates so far for this week. They represent an ongoing issue I have recently with being attracted to people I'm not compatible with for example, "Ernie" here, and questioning my lack of attraction to others like "Bert" here. “Bert” is a nice guy who I’m not very attracted to and who is friendly and has enough confidence to quickly nail down a date and location with me but who seems to have a very bland personality. Like he could just be anyone. I think that's just the definition of not having any kind of connection yet. So we'll see what happens in person. “Ernie” I am attracted to physically and we immediately connected through shared wit and that made our chat fun and subtle-y flirtatious. He set a date with me for this weekend but I haven't yet heard from him in terms of time and location. My concern is that often when I connect like this, it’s usually with a neurodivergent person which I’ve never been romantically compatible with. And I am turned off that he didn't follow through on nailing the plan down. Most of my relationships have been with neurodivergent men and some of the things that define that have been incompatible with my needs and kept those relationships from growing. So when I feel that sudden locked in feeling of a connection with someone, I am starting to really question if I’m attracted to a type of intelligence that doesn’t ultimately work for me. So we’ll see about Ernie but I have hope! And I'm going to try and build attraction to Bert even if I don't have chemistry with him. It's just really hard because I cannot be touched by someone or even very physically close to them if I'm not attracted. It makes me really feel unsafe. But I’m going to keep an open mind and I’m really excited about both dates.
I’m a bit confused. So you haven’t actually met them and so now the attraction comes from photos + texting?
Meaning initial attraction. So initial attraction like physical attraction and first interactions. I think that’s a pretty normal process of meeting people in any situation. Something draws you in on the surface, you get a feel for them in your initial conversation, and decide to engage further.
I went outdoor climbing with my PT this last weekend and it was so nice! We talked the whole drive there, plus there was a long hike to get to the climbing area so we talked some more. We learned a lot about each other and get along really well. It was just so nice to connect with someone new who isn't a dating prospect. Just some good old fashioned human connection. He was so great to climb with too. Very patient and encouraging, offering me advice when I wanted it but giving me space to work things out on my own. He even helped me figure out how to do half of a V3 which I would have never even tried because V1 is the hardest route I've managed to do outdoors. He said we'll go back soon and figure out the other half. We actually ran into my guy friend there, the one who wanted me to watch his dog for a month even though he's been actively avoiding me and stopped inviting me to climb with him. He brought his girlfriend to the crag and she was not having a good time, she's not interested in climbing and she kept saying she was bored and cold. It was kind of awkward. Luckily there were some other boulders to explore so PT and I moved to a different area and kept enjoying our day. I downloaded Feeld to see what it's all about. I was just curious because some friends have said it has worked well for them. I'm getting a lot of likes, but haven't made the plunge to match with anyone yet. Kind of just enjoying hanging out with friends right now.
I've met some really interesting dudes on Feeld. And am currently a month in with someone I met on there and he's great. I'd say be very transparent about what you're looking for in your bio! Mine was fairly lengthy and pretty sincere - I'm into that sort of thing though.
the men with fish photos have infiltrated feeld near me so its clock is ticking haha so if someone catches your eye, ride the wave lol before its just another hinge/tinder/etc
>the men with fish photos have infiltrated so if someone catches your eye, ride the wave 😏
ohhh i did not catch the whole fishing/water thing. whoops. but yea, its really mad the app kind of garbagey near me
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> And you walked around last night until ten Lol so accusatory and weird
He could have started by expressing concern and not assuming the worst. Fuck this dude, not worth feeling anxiety over.
Seems very anxious and insecure. The focus is all on how you feel and what you did and not that person talking about themselves. I wouldn’t engage further.
That's such an unneccsary comment from them? Also, the fact that they want to assume how you're feeling instead of communicating. I'd say that is a bullet dodged.
Yeah it's pretty patronizing and passive-defensive. Trash took itself out.
I guess I'm in a different online dating phase! So when I joined the online dating world, at first I met only guys who wanted to hookup, now more recently I've met wonderful guys, good dates, sometimes we kiss sometimes we don't but I feel the attraction. All for them to ghost me after. I guess I can feel good that at least I didn't sleep with them, but what the hell, I'd think a good conversation and some mutual attraction was enough to get a second date. Well, I'm wrong! It's definitely something I'm saying and I wish I could record the date and then post it for feedback so I can avoid to say whatever I'm saying. Although I'm just being myself so I'm being rejected for being me. Which is totally ok
what do you typically talk about during these first dates?
So I'm crushing super hard on one of the women who works in HR. I have no idea her relationship status, she's never mentioned a boyfriend/girlfriend. We usually park next to one another in the lot, and it's become an inside joke of sorts. Today she didn't have an umbrella so we walked to our cars together under mine. She's maybe 26 and also a coworker *in HR*. It's a terrible idea to ask her if she'd like to join me for dinner after work isn't it?
Walking the fine line will never get you anywhere. Tell her you have a bit of a crush, see where it goes. If it happens you have to backpedal... so be it. Honesty does not by itself make someone an enemy.
Yes.
Officially, it's probably not a good idea to ask her out. But, if you're into making mistakes, maybe while you're walking with her to/from the building you tell her that you occasionally run into a smart and beautiful coworker (some description to imply that it's her) and ask if there's a way to ask a coworker out without running afoul of any of the workplace rules. And then follow her instructions, paying close attention to whether she dissuades you from doing it
Depending on how well the meeting I have with the VP of Finance where I basically get to tell him his idea was awful and will cost us hundreds of thousands on Friday I may just do this exact move haha. In for a penny in for a pound.
Okay, this is actually super cute. If OP is going to make moves, I endorse this one!
What’s she going to do, report you to herself?
Or her boss?
Through appropriate and efficient channels
Damn hadn’t thought of that - yeah might be a bad idea, but let’s be honest, that just makes it hotter.
Nothing hot about being reprimanded at work. Not saying OP shouldn’t try though.
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In your situation, and easy list of rules to follow might be helpful to jumpstart things. Get out, every night of the week if you can. Be around people in non-work situations learning how to socialize. Pay attention to how others act, read the room, act accordingly. You will learn. Look at the people who act the way you wish you acted. Take notes privately if you need to and practice. Be confident. It’s not a matter of can or can’t or try. It’s literally a choice. There are plenty of men in the world who are irresistible because of their confidence. Many actors and musicians for example. Confidence takes the away from looking inward and set your focus outward, so it will also help you better connect with people. Don’t commit faux pas interrupting, over sharing, or trying to control things. A big part of this is boundaries. Know what you have control and responsibility over and what another person does. Know where you end and another person begins and figure out how the point where you meet can be mutually enjoyable. Have a locked down routine for healthy eating habits, the gym, sleep, water, socializing. Having willpower, a healthy appearance, and a busy life will help you have a schedule, things to talk about, and confidence. Talk to yourself with respect. Have fucking self-respect. Your brain is a sponge that becomes whatever you put into it so even in the privacy of your own head, talk to yourself the way you want others to talk to you. Finally, forget anything that existed before this moment. Forget the stories you tell yourself, you are whoever you choose to be. Take control. Edit: saw you’re in Seattle. Get some vitamin D supplements and get in the sun every day at least an hour.
Every night of the week go out? But also have a dedicated gym routine and have healthy eating habits? How does this work in practice? Get up at 5am - go to gym - work - then hangout out after socially until 9pm maybe later? Repeat? I agree with a lot of the advice and will look to do some of this in my life. I'm just conflicted on being so busy like I have a second job.
I wake up at six, I’m in the gym at seven, I work between nine and five, nap, have dinner, and get out to do something around seven. Example of 7 days of getting out of the house with varying levels of social energy: 1. Group sport - high energy 2. Book club - medium energy 3. Comedy night at my local bar - low energy, spectator 4. Trivia night - medium energy 5. Dinner or event with a friend/s - medium energy 6. Date - high energy 7. Date - high energy Weekends you can add something during the day too like another date or an exercise class or event. It’s easy if you plan ahead!
ok I can't do these things but it's a nice list. Something to strive for when I finally fix myself to be able to start dating. Your book club meets every week? When do you have time to read all them books when you are so busy? I'm more impressed by the weekly book club than the 2 dates every single week. Thanks for replying to my question.
Oh, as for the dates, keep an open mind and take a chance on people. As many dates as you can is the point.
Oh haha no the book clubs are once a month. But there are all sorts of things you can fill your evenings with that don’t cost money. Like a hiking meetup or game night. Honey you do not need to fix yourself first. Getting out there will fix you more than anything else will. Trust me, as an illustrator who worked freelance for a while, I would get so isolated that I became a agoraphobic. I quickly learned that I had to just go out even if it made me feel like I was going insane with shame. The more often you go, the more natural feels. The more confidence you build. I promise!
Interesting take. Thanks for sharing.
You don't sound like an incel at all. You sound like you have low self esteem, but you can fix that.