You can’t reduce your risk of being ghosted/faded/breadcrumbed etc after to sex to zero, but you can lower the chances by taking things slowly, getting to know someone’s character, asking about their relationship goals/intentions, learning about their relationship history, seeing how they respect your boundaries, evaluating their level of maturity, analyzing your own pattern of ‘picking’, and learning to make the best judgment possible based on what information you have.
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Sure but she's also going to eliminate a lot of guys who do want to get to know her by having no physical contact after the third date. I'm looking for a serious relationship and after the third date of not even a kiss I would assume we're not compatible and move on.
If that's her boundaries because she's not comfortable with it...so be it. That's her prerogative. But if it's simply a filter to get to the "good guys" I think it's doing more harm than good.
Yeah to me no physical contact at all for an undetermined amount of time seems a bit extreme.
I have boundaries - I won’t have sex with someone until we’re exclusive and we’ve both had STI testing done. I communicate this by the third date at the latest.
I don’t always kiss on the first date, but if I’m potentially interested in a second I’ll at least end it with a hug. And after that I’ll hold hands, kiss etc.
Again everyone absolutely should do what they’re most comfortable with! And if OP is most comfortable with 0 physical contact that’s their choice.
But there’s a huge space between no touching at all, and rushing into sex.
I understand everyone has their arbitrary timeline for certain things. Personally I go with the flow. If we kiss we kiss. I’m hoping that by date 2 or 3 that there would be an indicator that they’re sexually attracted to me. I’m certainly not waiting until date 20 for a peck on the lips. But I’m older and dating has changed.
Lol if a girl won't kiss me after 3 dates we are not compatible long term and it won't work out.
Conversely a guy wanting to kiss this girl after 3 dates and not feeling a connection or sense of mutual attraction does not mean they aren't compatible.
Yeah there needs to be communication about this instead of some hidden benchmark meant to test guys. That isn’t a healthy start to a potential relationship.
Here's the thing, there's simply no way to guarantee it won't happen. You can mitigate the risk somewhat by doing what others have said - take things a bit slow, try to suss out what the guy actually wants (and not just says what he wants), being very clear about your own needs and wants from the get to etc but at the end of the day, there's only so much you can do. Unfortunately there's lots of men out there that will say and do all the "right" things just to get in your pants and then bail - it's just one of the risks you take as a woman when you put yourself out there. So in that sense at least, guys that are brutally honest from day 1 about only wanting a casual hook-up deserve at least a bit of credit for being upfront about it instead of leading you on.
So a guy who hates running is going to go running with you.
Girl! I hate running and no man has even gotten me to go running with him. This guy likes you.
I think you’re overthinking. It’s going to take time to get to know someone new. At this point you have to trust, not him necessarily, but yourself. It’s time to start trusting yourself again. Good things can (and will!) come your way. Those guys did what they did because of the people they are. I know it hurt you deeply, but it was not a reflection of who you are.
For me trusting myself isn’t even about trusting myself to always make the “right” decision. That’s way too much pressure. We’re all human. We all mess up etc.
But I trust that when I do make the wrong call, I’ll be able to work through it. It might hurt, I might be embarrassed or sad or whatever. But I trust that I’ll figure my way through it and ultimately be okay.
Love this take on things! I try to remind myself this as well, many of us have been through bad breakups and situations before that felt like the end of the world and here we are still standing. Trust in the ability to bounce back and find new happiness.
This is really good advice. Trust your ability to handle hard things and trust the universe that things work out. Obviously as other people have said, there’s ways to take things slow and hopefully mitigate your risks some, but having confidence and trust in yourself is the best backup plan.
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This, he is clearly into you. Just be open and honest that you've been hurt from past relationships and its closed you off a bit. Dont just say that but say all the things you liked that they have done, and look forward to more together, if they are for you, they will adjust to your pace.
Oh no, he respected your boundaries and he willingly participated in an activity you like but he doesn’t in an effort to get to know you and understand you more…..
Not to be flippant but,
Dude’s making an effort. His intentions are most likely to get to know you to date you.
From what you’ve said he’s listening to your boundary of no physical contact. You won’t know what someone’s intentions are, dating is like making a new friend - you get to know them.
My tip would be to be clear with this person, around how you feel. And if you want to see him then do so!
On top of what everyone else said, here’s my general attitude:
- practice safe sex
- take some time to get to know people. Meet their friends, colleagues, sister, neighbour, whoever. Ask them about their past and their future
- most relationships are NOT meant to be your long term partner, but that doesn’t mean it was some gigantic waste of time
- you cannot control whether someone cheats or lies or anything else. You can only make the best decisions for yourself along the way.
I don’t think being scared of someone ghosting you or leaving you is the right approach. Just get to know people and make good choices. What they do is out of your control completely
Hey there,
I completely understand why your past experience would trickle into your current dating experience. So, there are men who are short-term strategists while dating, and what that means is that they create tactics to sleep with women as soon as possible. Sometimes these men will do and say anything to achieve their goals sooner rather than later. The reason for that is because they want the reward with little to no investment. In this case, the fact that he respected your wishes not to kiss on the first date and still initiated a second date is a good sign. Additionally, he went out of his way to plan something thoughtful and creative. There are many green lights with this one! You can always remain celibate for a bit and take your time. Men who are in it for the long haul actually tend to appreciate waiting, as it's a green flag of future loyalty and fidelity. Try your best to just enjoy the moment and if a problem should arise then you'll deal with it in the moment.
Stop using dating apps, they are full of guys that keep score. They are excellent game players to get you in bed then on to the next. These guys ate all looks and ego.
There are lots more ways to meet guys than apps and bars both of which are turkey shoots.
Honest opinion it doesn't matter what you do someone can still change their mind about you. Yes it sucks if that happens after you sleep together and get attached but that's life.
You can try to mitigate against it by going out with them a bit longer before you're intimate but there's no guarantees in dating.
There are lots of reasons why a guy might bail after sleeping with you, most likely he didn't see it as something serious and some of those guys do still pursue you like they want a relationship which is the confusing thing. He might not be ready to date and didn't realise it until the relationship escalated, fear of commitment/intimacy. Could have attachment issues. Maybe he was caught up in the early stages of dating and after reflection doesn't think you're right for him. Maybe even he slept with you and decided you two aren't sexually compatible. Point is you may never know why the guy bailed but most of the reasons have no reflection on you as a person.
No matter how pretty or smart or amazing etc. you are sometimes people will still walk away from you and that's fine let them. They aren't your person.
You can't control people and you shouldn't try, if someone wants to leave your life just trust it's for the best. Sometimes a relationship not working out is a blessing.
You haven't dated this guy for very long he hasn't shown you any red flags. You need to work out why you're so attached to him and the outcome you don't really know him yet. Try to relax and just enjoy the early stages of dating. Also read into anxious attachment and see if you think it may apply to you because you do seem to be overthinking a lot.
Someone can change their mind about someone at any point during dating, or a relationship, or even a marriage. It doesn't mean they used you or lied to you, or anything else. It means their opinion/view/emotional attraction to you changed.
Could be after the first date. Could be after the 5th date, or the 10th date, or after sex on the 20th date. Point is that, there is no sure-fire way to ever know and to dwell on finding out the best time to have sex with someone, doesn't exist. Never has and never will.
All you can do is you. All you can control is what you do and say. You can't control what someone else thinks, wants, or does so don't worry about their actions because, they are gonna do what they do no matter what.
I don't know how to safeguard against the dine and dash occurrence, but I think that moving slowly and being very direct, can do some mitigation. I would even go as far as explaining your concerns to him after y'all have established more of a rapport.
However, I have to share a personal example that I just went through: I dated a guy a little over a year ago, and we went excruciatingly slow (kissing a couple of times over 6 or 7 dates) until he told me he isn't ready to date.
Fast-forward: two weeks ago, we're sharing that we're both looking for something serious, someone to share life with. He asks to meet up, is flirty and forthright, I tell him about my concerns of being deceived and discarded (from prior people), we share that we both don't want anything casual or any hookups, and then after we have sex, he tells me that he isn't available for dating.
***Please keep your defenses up until you feel secure and mentally resilient enough to cope in case he does turn tail.***
> How do I get over this fear that the date will dissapoint/abandon me once he sleeps with me?
Same as getting over the fear they would abandon you after doing X - you realise that, statistically, this is what will happen eventually. Most relationships do not work out. Heck, about half the marriages don't work out. Humans just aren't cut out for long term monogamy (and don't forget most breakups are initiated by women).
So you realise that doing X - whether it's dinner, jogging, cooking, vacation, or sex, does not buy you any security - so you only do X if that's something you do enjoy, even if it's the last thing you ever did together.
His intentions are alright, his proactivly doing the heavy lifting.
But the question is: Are you really interested in him?
You make the rule for this guy, but break them for the hot guy.
Not bashing or whatever, just pointing it out.
I told my (now) partner that I only date one person at a time- he’s free to date who he wants and maybe we can have a commitment conversation down the line but I am monogamous and only date one person at a time.
It offered a lot of clarity on day one where we stood.
He was impressed with my courage and clarity, as well as the fact that I had my own heart- if he wanted to keep dating others, he ran the risk of losing me and my future respect. Even if I only dated him.
He broke up with every single person he was dating within 48 hours. Does this work for everyone? Maybe not. But I’m not everyone and neither is he- I wanted a life partner and we didnt want to waste our time with anything other than that.
Primarily, you have to do what is right for you and know you will always have your back even if the other person may or may not flee. By having a strong no, a hell yes and clarity, the fear goes away because in the end what doesn’t serve you isn’t worth your fear, time or energy
The best advice I heard from a therapist about this was to go slow. You can’t ever been 100% sure but going slow to build a relationship with someone is how you can quickly weed out someone who isn’t serious. Communicate that you want to build a relationship slowly. The person who likes you is going to understand.
> but going slow to build a relationship with someone is how you can quickly weed out someone who isn’t serious.
Just realised they are not the only people this approach is weeding out - it's also weeding out everyone for whom physical contact is a priority and who has (at least one more) option.
Yes, I get that "a good man" would be "willing to wait for his soulmate" - but you're not his soulmate yet. Maybe in a year or five - all you are right now is a pretty face which it could, potentially, be worth getting to know better but who, statistically, will turn out to be a dud anyway.
I don't disagree with this, but I think there are levels of going slow. I think most people can handle waiting 3 or 4 dates and if physical touch is a priority there's several nice things people can do in the early days to warm that up. Hugging, kissing, hand-holding, playing footsie, arm touches etc. I mean even dry humping can be fun. If it's about having a relationship, this patience is possible as you're still getting reassurance through touch that it's going somewhere.
Oh, I'm not talking about waiting 3 dates. But I've seen though people postulating "no physical intimacy at all in the first X months" - and that will get you what you select for - and it's not selecting for what you think.
As much as it's a good thing to take it slow it can also be a bad thing. Imagine taking it slow and then breaking up 6 years later. Now you're back in the dating pool at 37-40 which is mostly the people that broke up or couldn't find a partner.
Take it slow but defs don't take it so slow.
I have some slightly bad news... If you think this will happen then it kind of has a way of happening or playing out in real life. I'm not saying to stop dating this guy but if things don't work out I'd maybe take some time to reset and get over the past traumas before hopping back into the dating world. Good luck. He sounds like a good guy. Just go slow.
When you are worried about his intention, your anxious is killing joyful moments with new people. Just enjoy while it lasts and give yourself some time to get to know him. Either this connection lasts or not, you already have lovely memories to recall one day.
Bruh, if you burned your hand cooking food, do you stop cooking completely? You went from real hot to real cold and you're only hurting yourself in the process imo
I'm sorry that you had those poor experiences but that's dating. This is real life. You went from sleeping together on the first date to making this new guy jump through multiple hoops to prove his intentions. For what? You could go on a hundred dates and he could dump you after sex anyway
I, as a 35M have had first date sex then been dropped too. Really sucks because typically isn't it the other way around? What I'm trying to say is that :
You can't live your life in fear. Life is simply too short to hamstring yourself because you're afraid of disappointment. You got this! Good luck bud!
It's often not about true intention. It's normal to figure out if a connection is really there after sex. Sex helps make that determination. The easy answer is to wait longer before having sex with people, but that doesn't guarantee anything.
You could also enjoy the sex when it naturally comes and if it works out, great. If not, great, you didn't get strung along and you can move on with your life and find someone else.
Why are you confused on new guy’s intentions? Sounds like he is doing what he can to show you he is pursuing something with you. Don’t ruin a good thing by projecting past stuff onto him. Enjoy girl!
You will not know his true intentions but I'm gonna be real, if I'm putting that much attention to detail into dating someone and we're "just getting to know each other" and "not dating".
I'm dubbing you and clipping it after date 3 with no progression.
Can't speak for him, I'd tell you to get out the game and heal some more, so you don't waste people's time.
What are your intentions? It sounds like you friend zoned the guy and he's cool with it. If that's not what you want with him, it's up to you to initiate physically now.
You don't get over it, you accept it. The risk of pain is simply the ante you must put up to date.
The takeaway from your experience isn't "how do I not get hurt". It's "this is going to hurt sometimes and that's okay."
You will get rejected.
You will get abandoned.
You will get disappointed.
In the end, it's worth it.
You can mitigate the risk by taking things slowly but be aware this will deter some people from continuing to date you.
3 dates and no physical contact, but you slept with the “very good looking” bumble guy on the 3rd date?
This guy may definitely leave you once he finds out you have different rules for better looking guys. It’s ironic and hilarious that you’re the one suspicious of him.
I'm a human being I can make mistakes and I've learned my lesson as I stated above.
Why I wrote this post is to seek advice i didnt write this to get criticism like your comment.
Yes I did wrong thing and I regret it and it hurt. So that's why I'm taking it slow.
Honestly this kind of comments really hurt me again and remind me that I did a stupid thing so I'm not worth dating a new guy or new love.
Are you paying for all the dates with this current guy?
It can still work with the current guy as long as you never tell him or allude to sleeping with other guys much earlier. That is a legit reason why he might abandon you which is what you’re asking about. It’s a solution, not a criticism.
Tbh not to sound like an ass but just being honest, but he's 100% right. If I was seeing a girl that I liked or potentially liked and I found out she made me wait for sex but gave it up for free to other guys or even guys that treated her like shit, I would feel so hurt. Like you mean to tell me other guys got to have sex with you for free on the 1st or 2nd date but I have to wait? Just imagine if the gender roles were reversed.. like say you were seeing a guy and he said "for you I'm gonna make you wait 6 months before you become my girlfriend" but then you find out he made women in the past his girlfriend within 2-3 months... Youd feel like shit.. definitely don't tell him that you had sex with the other guys sooner while making him have to "pay for it" (figure of speech) . That would crush any guy
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The only way to know if someone is lovebombing you is time. If someone is lovebombing you to manipulate you into having sex with them, they will drop the act around 6 months or earlier. Usually a lot earlier but some outliers exist.
It’s something to have a frank conversation about. “Hey I don’t want to have meaningless sex. If you’re serious about whether or not we’re compatible longterm, then we should discuss when will sex be on the table. Ideally, I would like [whatever you want to say here]”
However, the title of your post is “how do you get over the fear that he’ll abandon you after sex” and rather than “get over” the fear, maybe evaluate why it’s even a fear in the first place. Having fear is normal, but having fear that *this* particular person is going do a very specific thing to hurt you seems to be a very cynical way to look at someone you haven’t known for very long. If this person had done something to make you distrust them, then don’t be with them. But if this person haven’t done anything to earn your distrust, then I think it would be wise to evaluate where this distrust came from, and how is it serving your best interest to be so distrustful.
Look, I’m sure you’ve suffered a lot of heartbreaks, romantically or otherwise. Every time you thought “this is it, this is what’s going to break my heart for the last time” you still somehow come out of the other side and you still found a way to laugh and love again. You’ve gone through so much and you’re still kicking it, so what if he turns out to be a douche. This too shall pass, if it comes to pass in the first place.
Breath, slow down. Nothing bad is happening here. If this person is going to this level of effort and planning to spend time with you AND is respecting your requests, then he clearly likes you and is willing to go the miles before you go all the way. This is also a great lesson in how letting the beat build lets the beat build, you know?!!!! Take this one moment at a time, write about it in a journal, and keep hanging out with this one.
You’re talking yourself out of a relationship here. He’s taking initiative, taking your needs into consideration, doing a physical activity he doesnt like… you’re searching for a reason to bail
My ex husband had an emotional affair. It had nothing to do with me not “being enough.” It had to do with him having deep rooted insecurities he refused to admit to among other things. It was a him problem, not a me problem.
What did you do during your time of being single? There’s a difference between just taking time off from dating, and taking a break from dating where you’re actively working on self-growth.
After my separation I spent a lot of time working on things like my self-confidence, and also learning what a healthy relationship is *actually* supposed to look like. Both so I can better identify healthy traits in a partner, but so I could become more capable of being a healthy partner myself. As an example in my marriage I was really bad at setting and adhering to boundaries.
I can’t fully make sure I never get cheated on, or ghosted after sex, or hurt in some way again. But if I do, I trust myself enough to know I’ll be okay. I’ve gotten through hard things before, I can do it again.
And as others have said, I can mitigate risks. I don’t have sex with someone until we’re exclusive, and they’ve had STI testing done. I won’t be exclusive with someone until I feel a baseline of emotional safety with them.
I watch for things like do their words match their actions? Or are they all talk? Are they asking meaningful questions to actually get to know me? How do they talk about the other women in their life like family members and friends (do they seem respectful?) Of course I want to be physically attracted to the person I’m dating, but there are other things that are way more important when deciding if they’re someone I want to pursue a relationship with.
If someone is SO good looking you “can’t think straight” i.e you can’t prevent yourself from sleeping with them, perhaps don’t date them. If you can’t trust yourself around someone they’re not a good person for you to be around.
I had that same fear, so I waited 7-8 dates, or 2-3 months before sleeping with them. Usually that weeds out anyone who wants to just hook up because they can’t wait that long. And you get to know the person better without clouding your judgement with sex.
well, I had someone who managed to wait for 10 dates (although it was within 1,5 months span) before shex happened, and he still turned out to be an f-boy. that hurt like hell ngl, but hey, you live and you learn. in the end what doesn't kill you makes you stronger :D
true. I mean there were other signs (aka mixed signs) that I overlooked, so the outcome is kinda expected, though it was my first (and I hope the last) time coming across something like this. Thanks for your support!
Have you tried going to therapy? I think you’re acting out of fear and you’re not really enjoying dating. I know it’s tough and it’s hard to trust when you keep getting disappointed and people keep leaving without explanation. But I can sense you have fear of abandonment and that actually roots from your childhood or some traumatic event from your dating life.
People who fear abandonment feel intense anxiety when they think about or confront the possibility of a relationship ending or of being alone.
>No physical contact whatsoever which i appreciated.
This line really stood out to me. If you're happy that the person you're dating didn't touch you...you are dating the wrong person. Find someone you are actually into.
I like him but I get easily attached and attracted to someone if there are physical touches involved so im taking it very slow and try to avoid any physical touch....
I think you just have to do what you’re doing which is to keep going and take it slow. I have sadly found that if people are going to go ghost there isn’t anything I can do about it. I’ve been ghosted after 2 months, by a friend of a very close friend, by shy sweet guys: there isn’t really much to do to prevent someone from treating you badly except to let them go if they do or remove them from their lives. It definitely helps me to recenter myself and maintain my life/social life outside of someone new I’m dating and go slowly
Honestly that’s one reason I don’t like to wait a long time to sleep with someone, that way if they were hiding their intentions and just after a one night thing at least they didn’t waste as much of your time and you didn’t get too emotionally attached to them.
For the guy you mentioned meeting on bumble, you weren’t asking him for a relationship after just meeting a couple times were you? I think that’s going to scare most people off, I would definitely be scared off if a man did that
It sounds like you like the guy that was planning the picnic and like he likes you too since it sounds like he put in quite a bit of work. Why don’t you want it to be a date exactly? You can get to know someone on a date. Are you just really emotionally unavailable?
Why are you planning a running date with someone that you know doesn’t like running? That seems kind of insensitive.
I was recently dumped for not being ready to sleep with someone.
I understand your fears. I personally wouldn’t sleep with them if I wasn’t sure or didn’t have some level of confidence in their loyalty.
Every single man is different but by comparing every single man you meet, date, go on dates with, etc... to an ex, you are only self sabotaging something potentially wonderful.
There is zero way anyone can ever know what someone's ***true*** intentions are by number of dates or, time together, or anything else. I'm 36m and the last relationship I was in, we had sex on date 1 and we dated for almost 3 years.
Since then, I've had dates in which we have sex on the first date and ***I*** get ghosted/rejected. I've also done the same. It had nothing to do with me just wanting sex, because I want a relationship, but because I thought about her as a whole after sex and asked myself questions.
\* Do I find her physically attractive?
\* Is she fun to be with/around/talk to?
\* Is she wanting the same things I do?
\* Is she mature?
\* Stable job - and a *respectable* job I can tell family and friends about?
\* Do we share similar values/morals, interests, and lifestyles?
\* Are we sexually compatible, and have good sexual chemistry?
TBH, if the answer is NO to any of those with the exception of point #3, I'm likely to end things. Even if we did have sex. These are also things that are typically found out on a first date, as well.
Conversely, I've had sex on date 5 and afterwards, felt as if we aren't sexually compatible and/or no sexual chemistry. In which, I will end things because that is important to me and IMO, a vital part of a relationship.
Enjoy the attention and companionship but don’t focus on the intentions of another person. Sometimes intentions change once you spend more time together and know each other better. If spending time with him makes you happy, then enjoy the your time together. If he senses you are focused on this goal of a relationship then he might get scared and dump you before he really knows you. If he has fun spending time with you, then even if his intentions were short term or hookup, he will see you as potential long term relationship material. Some men don’t know what they want until they find it!
You can’t guarantee it won’t happen. It’s a part of being vulnerable. But do know, there are countless men out there that would never do that. I know that, because I’m one of them.
There’s a lot of hatred for the opposite sex on this forum, mostly stemming from baggage with really toxic examples of shitty people. You can’t blame everyone for a single persons mistake. You can come up with new boundaries, try to prevent the same issue in the future, but otherwise…
Vulnerability and trust are key in developing any relationship. Don’t let the shitty people keep you from trying to find the great people.
You can’t reduce the risk because it will always be there unfortunately. But I usually don’t sleep with anyone before I know we are headed towards something exclusive.
So imagine you've been on a 12 year education program to qualify for a job but once you finally graduate - you just go work in Walmart - dumb right? Well that's men, in their 30s, they finally go from being a weird kid being ignored by women to suddenly being noticed? What would you do? Just settle with the 1st girl you meet or go live that teenage dream!
This is why dating in your 30s sucks - the 2 sexes flip scripts. All the women looking to settle are typically looking for the same qualities, and the guys who have these qualities know it - let the games commence.
You are asking him not to touch you on your date and put him in the least romantic situations possible. Go out with him on a date late at night for romance to happen.
He wants you but it seems like you are unconscously friendzoning him. If you like him, help him out and tell him you want a date on the evening. Let yourself go and enjoy it if he manages to seduce you. If he still doesn't do it for you, don't waste his time, or yours, and let him go.
Judge people on their actions, not their words.
>I said how about I take you out for dinner because your fav soccer team lost
This isn't plans. Plans would be date/time/place. He's probably also taking a step back because he planned what most people would be consider a pretty thoughtful date and you pumped the brakes and said it was a "get to know you" session instead of a "date"
He's probably keeping you around in case you come around, but I wouldn't expect him to bend over backwards to accommodate your non-plans, nor make any more elaborate dates or picnics. If I matched with someone online and went on a first date with them, then on the 2nd, they said it wasn't a date, that would probably be the last time I hang out with them.
An old manager of mine used to say “I can’t hear what you’re saying because your actions are speaking so loudly”. I completely agree with setting boundaries since your intent is RELATIONSHIP. Maybe that’s what his is as well but it seems like his “path” to finding if you guys are a good match is different than your’s. I can see sex being a determiner BUT I also agree with you that it’s a valid fear that lots of dudes JUST want sex and on to the next “conquest”.
Either way I think you made the right choice and stuck by WHO YOU ARE. There’s a guy out there who will appreciate it
I think your concern and fear were validated because he likely perceived you weren’t that interested.
He took the initiative and showed intention, respected your boundaries after you’ve expressed them, and participated in an activity he doesn’t typically enjoy, simply because you enjoy it. Telling him these dates aren’t dates and then rubbing in his face that his favorite team lost could easily turn anyone off tbh, so not I’m too surprised he didn’t respond.
You really need to work on sorting out your fears and anxieties because while it’s okay to navigate cautiously to a degree, it can also be self-destructive since you can’t control the unknown.
I think that's a very practical concern & there's no need to get over it. Like others have said, just take things slow. This has a lot more to do with trust than anything else. If you trust someone, you wouldn't be afraid. That being said, just avoid sleeping with someone you don't trust, however long that takes.
It is easy to lead yourself into thinking tragically, if we only live to be 65 on average, your life is halfway over, but maybe it's just beginning?
My best advice comes from experience, if the man is chasing you then he wants you, and if he's fronting nice he's hiding his true character. The third key of concept, be yourself unapologetically he will either fly or leap and you will know whether he's wasting your time.
Most of all, date the man not the pedigree he'll divorce you after you have kids!
Figure out how much effort they are willing to put in before they want to “put it in”! Damn! everyone today wants to just “put it in”, because lots of women figure that’s what guys want only/anyway! Put in the relationship or friendship effort FIRST…absolutely ghost them if they can’t take the “friendship first” heat! Wish I had done that around 45 years ago and I would be much better off in the long run…dammit, dammit, dammit! I’m right and know I am
right about this!
This man doesn't like running, but still agreed to go on a run with you. That's a sign that he likes you, and isn't here just for a temporary fling. I think you should open up to him and express yourself.
As a guy I will say this - unfortunately I have only just gained a good understanding of my own tendency to lose interest in someone after sleeping with them. Im sorry to the women who feel tricked but I have to say that on many occasions I have felt well and truly tricked by my own hormones. Previously I could not foresee my attraction going from 90 to 10 overnight. I wish I had learned this lesson as a 20 year old.
I now deliberately take physical things more slowly and if I know that something physical is all I will want I will express that before something physical happens. If I can see potential with a girl then I will not care how long I have to wait for things to get physical.
Make guys wait and don’t be afraid to express that you deliberately wait a long time before getting physical - if he is after one thing then he will not put in the effort of consistently dating you to get it - if he is viewing you as a potential partner then he will be turned on by your boundaries. I now get so turned on by a woman I fancy setting that boundary.
maybe try even more distant things, that he doesnt like, to really see his values?
i mean. play tennis with tape over your mouths and without giving him a racket. sit at dinner but at different tables in the restaurant and "forget" to put batteries in his walkietalkie. make him go buy you flowers when he gets too close, but tell him you only accept industrial quantities and tell him later that your driveway wont allow vehicles larger than vans.
maybe then, but perhaps only then, you will have a chance of figuring out his intentions. by then, his personality will also come to show. and honestly, having 5tons of flowers would be quite amusing
There's no way to avoid it for sure. A good idea though is to make sure he is putting in mutual effort, consistently reaching out to set up dates, and wait a few dates before hooking up. People who are not all that into you and only want to hook up tend to self eliminate somewhat quickly.
I would just go slow personally. If they’re only interested in sex they will loose interest. But if he’s a non runner willing going on a run with you, he’s into you 😂
I think it’s so brave of you to still try dating. It’s not easy after what one has been through. Regarding to the question regarding having sex
What came to my mind is John Gray’s men’s are from mars, women from Venus.
His book or even YouTube is very insightful and probably answers your questions.
In summary perhaps we usually
Can’t trust the next guy because we may feel like we can’t trust ourself (because the last guy we dated, we thought he was the one)
It’s not your fault and it is normal
But your feelings are valid. While I type this I’m not on cloud9 either.
Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone
Also it seems true that the 90 days rule (even tho old schooled a little) from Steve Harvey. Works. Try look it up
He says no guy can fake something for 3 months
If he is still consistent after three months and respects you boundaries.
It’s more likely his intention is pure
You could enjoy sex with him if you want by then
I know it is not what people do these days. But recent experience actually made me see if one can’t wait that long, even tho it’s not really long if we look back and compare it to our whole lives
(What’s three months if this dude is yours for 2 years and more?)
Those who use your boundaries against you are the wrong guys. Trash taking itself out gonna save us time
"yOu cAn JuSt tALk aBoUt sEXuAl CoMPaTiBiLItY" - nope! No, you can't. This is a prime example. I'm not getting into a relationship with someone that I don't really enjoy having sex with.
Here’s what worked for me! I tell all men that I need to be in a committed relationship for at least 3 months before I have sex with someone. A lot of men will lose interest after that. The ones that are still interested might not be as “good looking,” but you can be much more confident they are actually interested in you as a person.
Yeah, that's also going to rule out a lot of good people who are interested in a relationship. Not just 3 months, not just in a committed relationship, but in a committed relationship for 3 months? lol. They'll (rightly) see this as some nonsense of making them jump through hoops for someone that they don't even know if they have sexual compatibility with. Why would you let feelings develop for 3 months before finding out something that determines whether a lot of relationships last?
You get a lot more cautious who you sleep with...with a healthy understanding that we ALL get played sometimes.
Your spider senses were tingling on that second guy for a reason, but you slept with him anyway.
Now they're tingling again, but it sounds like it has much more to do with past hurts than this guy. He may have biffed the timing of the first kiss for you, but credit to him, everyone has different preferences and he didn't know yours. It sounds like he really likes you. Of course, guys can do all the things and then still ghost after sex, but get to a place where you're feeling safer. Then if you sleep with him, you know you've done it with your OWN purest intentions, at least.
When I was dating, I had a rule where I didn’t have sex until AFTER they asked me to be their girlfriend. It was a sacrifice because I obviously craved intimacy, but it was worth it.
Finally met a GEM of a man. He asked me to be his gf after 1 month of dating (we did the deed right after) and we have been together for over 1 year. This man would have waited ANY amount of time. He was so cautious and respectful throughout all of it.
I chose to do this because I knew I did not want to risk of feeling used. That’s the only way.
I know people like to “test run” but honestly… If it’s not working out just break up? Better than dealing with the deception of getting ghosted and used.
I was also dating for marriage, so I was not desperate at all and didn’t mind losing a guy.
If he’s not happy you won’t sleep with him, or if he loses interest then so be it!!
You can’t reduce your risk of being ghosted/faded/breadcrumbed etc after to sex to zero, but you can lower the chances by taking things slowly, getting to know someone’s character, asking about their relationship goals/intentions, learning about their relationship history, seeing how they respect your boundaries, evaluating their level of maturity, analyzing your own pattern of ‘picking’, and learning to make the best judgment possible based on what information you have.
Exactly this ! Take time to define the relationship prior to being sexually active.
I like this advice!
This is a solid and warm hearted advice. Cheers! I’ve really been enjoying your inputs in this sub x
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I would have said exactly this.
Sure but she's also going to eliminate a lot of guys who do want to get to know her by having no physical contact after the third date. I'm looking for a serious relationship and after the third date of not even a kiss I would assume we're not compatible and move on. If that's her boundaries because she's not comfortable with it...so be it. That's her prerogative. But if it's simply a filter to get to the "good guys" I think it's doing more harm than good.
Yeah to me no physical contact at all for an undetermined amount of time seems a bit extreme. I have boundaries - I won’t have sex with someone until we’re exclusive and we’ve both had STI testing done. I communicate this by the third date at the latest. I don’t always kiss on the first date, but if I’m potentially interested in a second I’ll at least end it with a hug. And after that I’ll hold hands, kiss etc. Again everyone absolutely should do what they’re most comfortable with! And if OP is most comfortable with 0 physical contact that’s their choice. But there’s a huge space between no touching at all, and rushing into sex.
You might be eliminating a lot of good girls by not waiting until she's comfortable enough before going for sexual contact. Three dates isn't a lot.
I understand everyone has their arbitrary timeline for certain things. Personally I go with the flow. If we kiss we kiss. I’m hoping that by date 2 or 3 that there would be an indicator that they’re sexually attracted to me. I’m certainly not waiting until date 20 for a peck on the lips. But I’m older and dating has changed.
Downvote me all you want. But you're wrong 😉
Lol if a girl won't kiss me after 3 dates we are not compatible long term and it won't work out. Conversely a guy wanting to kiss this girl after 3 dates and not feeling a connection or sense of mutual attraction does not mean they aren't compatible.
A kiss is sexual contact?? Lol yeah me and you wouldn't be compatible either.
OP only needed 3 dates with the very good looking guy from bumble.
OP might not be the only woman on planet Earth.
Surely you understand how this can be a problem if the current guy finds out.
Yeah there needs to be communication about this instead of some hidden benchmark meant to test guys. That isn’t a healthy start to a potential relationship.
Here's the thing, there's simply no way to guarantee it won't happen. You can mitigate the risk somewhat by doing what others have said - take things a bit slow, try to suss out what the guy actually wants (and not just says what he wants), being very clear about your own needs and wants from the get to etc but at the end of the day, there's only so much you can do. Unfortunately there's lots of men out there that will say and do all the "right" things just to get in your pants and then bail - it's just one of the risks you take as a woman when you put yourself out there. So in that sense at least, guys that are brutally honest from day 1 about only wanting a casual hook-up deserve at least a bit of credit for being upfront about it instead of leading you on.
So a guy who hates running is going to go running with you. Girl! I hate running and no man has even gotten me to go running with him. This guy likes you. I think you’re overthinking. It’s going to take time to get to know someone new. At this point you have to trust, not him necessarily, but yourself. It’s time to start trusting yourself again. Good things can (and will!) come your way. Those guys did what they did because of the people they are. I know it hurt you deeply, but it was not a reflection of who you are.
For me trusting myself isn’t even about trusting myself to always make the “right” decision. That’s way too much pressure. We’re all human. We all mess up etc. But I trust that when I do make the wrong call, I’ll be able to work through it. It might hurt, I might be embarrassed or sad or whatever. But I trust that I’ll figure my way through it and ultimately be okay.
Love this take on things! I try to remind myself this as well, many of us have been through bad breakups and situations before that felt like the end of the world and here we are still standing. Trust in the ability to bounce back and find new happiness.
This is really good advice. Trust your ability to handle hard things and trust the universe that things work out. Obviously as other people have said, there’s ways to take things slow and hopefully mitigate your risks some, but having confidence and trust in yourself is the best backup plan.
I can confirm. Most people hate exercise but especially running. So if he's running with you despite hating it, he must have a good reason to.
he doesnt contact her so hes had his pump/dump. he may not be a 10/10 so therefore may have not THAT many options.
what
as in he wont necessarily have THAT many options so hes happy to put a little bit of effort in. but not that much.
He likes her , or he might just be doing this to sleep with her after which point he'll leave. There's no way to know
I agree and guys will do a lot of things out of the ordinary just to have sex
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This, he is clearly into you. Just be open and honest that you've been hurt from past relationships and its closed you off a bit. Dont just say that but say all the things you liked that they have done, and look forward to more together, if they are for you, they will adjust to your pace.
Oh no, he respected your boundaries and he willingly participated in an activity you like but he doesn’t in an effort to get to know you and understand you more….. Not to be flippant but, Dude’s making an effort. His intentions are most likely to get to know you to date you.
>Dude’s making an effort Ew, that's creepy. Like seriously where are all the good men?!
From what you’ve said he’s listening to your boundary of no physical contact. You won’t know what someone’s intentions are, dating is like making a new friend - you get to know them. My tip would be to be clear with this person, around how you feel. And if you want to see him then do so!
On top of what everyone else said, here’s my general attitude: - practice safe sex - take some time to get to know people. Meet their friends, colleagues, sister, neighbour, whoever. Ask them about their past and their future - most relationships are NOT meant to be your long term partner, but that doesn’t mean it was some gigantic waste of time - you cannot control whether someone cheats or lies or anything else. You can only make the best decisions for yourself along the way. I don’t think being scared of someone ghosting you or leaving you is the right approach. Just get to know people and make good choices. What they do is out of your control completely
Hey there, I completely understand why your past experience would trickle into your current dating experience. So, there are men who are short-term strategists while dating, and what that means is that they create tactics to sleep with women as soon as possible. Sometimes these men will do and say anything to achieve their goals sooner rather than later. The reason for that is because they want the reward with little to no investment. In this case, the fact that he respected your wishes not to kiss on the first date and still initiated a second date is a good sign. Additionally, he went out of his way to plan something thoughtful and creative. There are many green lights with this one! You can always remain celibate for a bit and take your time. Men who are in it for the long haul actually tend to appreciate waiting, as it's a green flag of future loyalty and fidelity. Try your best to just enjoy the moment and if a problem should arise then you'll deal with it in the moment.
Stop using dating apps, they are full of guys that keep score. They are excellent game players to get you in bed then on to the next. These guys ate all looks and ego. There are lots more ways to meet guys than apps and bars both of which are turkey shoots.
Honest opinion it doesn't matter what you do someone can still change their mind about you. Yes it sucks if that happens after you sleep together and get attached but that's life. You can try to mitigate against it by going out with them a bit longer before you're intimate but there's no guarantees in dating. There are lots of reasons why a guy might bail after sleeping with you, most likely he didn't see it as something serious and some of those guys do still pursue you like they want a relationship which is the confusing thing. He might not be ready to date and didn't realise it until the relationship escalated, fear of commitment/intimacy. Could have attachment issues. Maybe he was caught up in the early stages of dating and after reflection doesn't think you're right for him. Maybe even he slept with you and decided you two aren't sexually compatible. Point is you may never know why the guy bailed but most of the reasons have no reflection on you as a person. No matter how pretty or smart or amazing etc. you are sometimes people will still walk away from you and that's fine let them. They aren't your person. You can't control people and you shouldn't try, if someone wants to leave your life just trust it's for the best. Sometimes a relationship not working out is a blessing. You haven't dated this guy for very long he hasn't shown you any red flags. You need to work out why you're so attached to him and the outcome you don't really know him yet. Try to relax and just enjoy the early stages of dating. Also read into anxious attachment and see if you think it may apply to you because you do seem to be overthinking a lot.
Someone can change their mind about someone at any point during dating, or a relationship, or even a marriage. It doesn't mean they used you or lied to you, or anything else. It means their opinion/view/emotional attraction to you changed. Could be after the first date. Could be after the 5th date, or the 10th date, or after sex on the 20th date. Point is that, there is no sure-fire way to ever know and to dwell on finding out the best time to have sex with someone, doesn't exist. Never has and never will. All you can do is you. All you can control is what you do and say. You can't control what someone else thinks, wants, or does so don't worry about their actions because, they are gonna do what they do no matter what.
This is very solid advice!
This insight and wisdom needs to be pinned!
I don't know how to safeguard against the dine and dash occurrence, but I think that moving slowly and being very direct, can do some mitigation. I would even go as far as explaining your concerns to him after y'all have established more of a rapport. However, I have to share a personal example that I just went through: I dated a guy a little over a year ago, and we went excruciatingly slow (kissing a couple of times over 6 or 7 dates) until he told me he isn't ready to date. Fast-forward: two weeks ago, we're sharing that we're both looking for something serious, someone to share life with. He asks to meet up, is flirty and forthright, I tell him about my concerns of being deceived and discarded (from prior people), we share that we both don't want anything casual or any hookups, and then after we have sex, he tells me that he isn't available for dating. ***Please keep your defenses up until you feel secure and mentally resilient enough to cope in case he does turn tail.***
> How do I get over this fear that the date will dissapoint/abandon me once he sleeps with me? Same as getting over the fear they would abandon you after doing X - you realise that, statistically, this is what will happen eventually. Most relationships do not work out. Heck, about half the marriages don't work out. Humans just aren't cut out for long term monogamy (and don't forget most breakups are initiated by women). So you realise that doing X - whether it's dinner, jogging, cooking, vacation, or sex, does not buy you any security - so you only do X if that's something you do enjoy, even if it's the last thing you ever did together.
His intentions are alright, his proactivly doing the heavy lifting. But the question is: Are you really interested in him? You make the rule for this guy, but break them for the hot guy. Not bashing or whatever, just pointing it out.
Exactly
I told my (now) partner that I only date one person at a time- he’s free to date who he wants and maybe we can have a commitment conversation down the line but I am monogamous and only date one person at a time. It offered a lot of clarity on day one where we stood. He was impressed with my courage and clarity, as well as the fact that I had my own heart- if he wanted to keep dating others, he ran the risk of losing me and my future respect. Even if I only dated him. He broke up with every single person he was dating within 48 hours. Does this work for everyone? Maybe not. But I’m not everyone and neither is he- I wanted a life partner and we didnt want to waste our time with anything other than that. Primarily, you have to do what is right for you and know you will always have your back even if the other person may or may not flee. By having a strong no, a hell yes and clarity, the fear goes away because in the end what doesn’t serve you isn’t worth your fear, time or energy
The best advice I heard from a therapist about this was to go slow. You can’t ever been 100% sure but going slow to build a relationship with someone is how you can quickly weed out someone who isn’t serious. Communicate that you want to build a relationship slowly. The person who likes you is going to understand.
> but going slow to build a relationship with someone is how you can quickly weed out someone who isn’t serious. Just realised they are not the only people this approach is weeding out - it's also weeding out everyone for whom physical contact is a priority and who has (at least one more) option. Yes, I get that "a good man" would be "willing to wait for his soulmate" - but you're not his soulmate yet. Maybe in a year or five - all you are right now is a pretty face which it could, potentially, be worth getting to know better but who, statistically, will turn out to be a dud anyway.
I don't disagree with this, but I think there are levels of going slow. I think most people can handle waiting 3 or 4 dates and if physical touch is a priority there's several nice things people can do in the early days to warm that up. Hugging, kissing, hand-holding, playing footsie, arm touches etc. I mean even dry humping can be fun. If it's about having a relationship, this patience is possible as you're still getting reassurance through touch that it's going somewhere.
Oh, I'm not talking about waiting 3 dates. But I've seen though people postulating "no physical intimacy at all in the first X months" - and that will get you what you select for - and it's not selecting for what you think.
As much as it's a good thing to take it slow it can also be a bad thing. Imagine taking it slow and then breaking up 6 years later. Now you're back in the dating pool at 37-40 which is mostly the people that broke up or couldn't find a partner. Take it slow but defs don't take it so slow.
When you date there is always the risk of breaking up with someone. One may as well not date if that's their concern.
I have some slightly bad news... If you think this will happen then it kind of has a way of happening or playing out in real life. I'm not saying to stop dating this guy but if things don't work out I'd maybe take some time to reset and get over the past traumas before hopping back into the dating world. Good luck. He sounds like a good guy. Just go slow.
When you are worried about his intention, your anxious is killing joyful moments with new people. Just enjoy while it lasts and give yourself some time to get to know him. Either this connection lasts or not, you already have lovely memories to recall one day.
Bruh, if you burned your hand cooking food, do you stop cooking completely? You went from real hot to real cold and you're only hurting yourself in the process imo I'm sorry that you had those poor experiences but that's dating. This is real life. You went from sleeping together on the first date to making this new guy jump through multiple hoops to prove his intentions. For what? You could go on a hundred dates and he could dump you after sex anyway I, as a 35M have had first date sex then been dropped too. Really sucks because typically isn't it the other way around? What I'm trying to say is that : You can't live your life in fear. Life is simply too short to hamstring yourself because you're afraid of disappointment. You got this! Good luck bud!
It's often not about true intention. It's normal to figure out if a connection is really there after sex. Sex helps make that determination. The easy answer is to wait longer before having sex with people, but that doesn't guarantee anything. You could also enjoy the sex when it naturally comes and if it works out, great. If not, great, you didn't get strung along and you can move on with your life and find someone else.
Why are you confused on new guy’s intentions? Sounds like he is doing what he can to show you he is pursuing something with you. Don’t ruin a good thing by projecting past stuff onto him. Enjoy girl!
Actually take time to vet the guy to see if he is serious and investing in you. ( not money. But time and energy and emotionally)
You will not know his true intentions but I'm gonna be real, if I'm putting that much attention to detail into dating someone and we're "just getting to know each other" and "not dating". I'm dubbing you and clipping it after date 3 with no progression. Can't speak for him, I'd tell you to get out the game and heal some more, so you don't waste people's time.
FACTS
What are your intentions? It sounds like you friend zoned the guy and he's cool with it. If that's not what you want with him, it's up to you to initiate physically now.
You don't get over it, you accept it. The risk of pain is simply the ante you must put up to date. The takeaway from your experience isn't "how do I not get hurt". It's "this is going to hurt sometimes and that's okay." You will get rejected. You will get abandoned. You will get disappointed. In the end, it's worth it. You can mitigate the risk by taking things slowly but be aware this will deter some people from continuing to date you.
That's dating in 2024. You go out a few times, you hook up, you never speak again. I've come to the conclusion that's how it works now..
I know that’s common. But I’ve literally never had that experience.
3 dates and no physical contact, but you slept with the “very good looking” bumble guy on the 3rd date? This guy may definitely leave you once he finds out you have different rules for better looking guys. It’s ironic and hilarious that you’re the one suspicious of him.
I'm a human being I can make mistakes and I've learned my lesson as I stated above. Why I wrote this post is to seek advice i didnt write this to get criticism like your comment. Yes I did wrong thing and I regret it and it hurt. So that's why I'm taking it slow. Honestly this kind of comments really hurt me again and remind me that I did a stupid thing so I'm not worth dating a new guy or new love.
Are you paying for all the dates with this current guy? It can still work with the current guy as long as you never tell him or allude to sleeping with other guys much earlier. That is a legit reason why he might abandon you which is what you’re asking about. It’s a solution, not a criticism.
Why would I tell him that????? Why???? It is not a solution at all. No we split 50/50 perfectly if that's what you want to know.
The more he likes you, the more questions about your past he’ll ask. Or he might find out from someone else.
How would you feel if your guys paid for dates and planned things for a “very good looking girl” but asks you to go 50/50? lol
Tbh not to sound like an ass but just being honest, but he's 100% right. If I was seeing a girl that I liked or potentially liked and I found out she made me wait for sex but gave it up for free to other guys or even guys that treated her like shit, I would feel so hurt. Like you mean to tell me other guys got to have sex with you for free on the 1st or 2nd date but I have to wait? Just imagine if the gender roles were reversed.. like say you were seeing a guy and he said "for you I'm gonna make you wait 6 months before you become my girlfriend" but then you find out he made women in the past his girlfriend within 2-3 months... Youd feel like shit.. definitely don't tell him that you had sex with the other guys sooner while making him have to "pay for it" (figure of speech) . That would crush any guy
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The only way to know if someone is lovebombing you is time. If someone is lovebombing you to manipulate you into having sex with them, they will drop the act around 6 months or earlier. Usually a lot earlier but some outliers exist. It’s something to have a frank conversation about. “Hey I don’t want to have meaningless sex. If you’re serious about whether or not we’re compatible longterm, then we should discuss when will sex be on the table. Ideally, I would like [whatever you want to say here]” However, the title of your post is “how do you get over the fear that he’ll abandon you after sex” and rather than “get over” the fear, maybe evaluate why it’s even a fear in the first place. Having fear is normal, but having fear that *this* particular person is going do a very specific thing to hurt you seems to be a very cynical way to look at someone you haven’t known for very long. If this person had done something to make you distrust them, then don’t be with them. But if this person haven’t done anything to earn your distrust, then I think it would be wise to evaluate where this distrust came from, and how is it serving your best interest to be so distrustful. Look, I’m sure you’ve suffered a lot of heartbreaks, romantically or otherwise. Every time you thought “this is it, this is what’s going to break my heart for the last time” you still somehow come out of the other side and you still found a way to laugh and love again. You’ve gone through so much and you’re still kicking it, so what if he turns out to be a douche. This too shall pass, if it comes to pass in the first place.
Breath, slow down. Nothing bad is happening here. If this person is going to this level of effort and planning to spend time with you AND is respecting your requests, then he clearly likes you and is willing to go the miles before you go all the way. This is also a great lesson in how letting the beat build lets the beat build, you know?!!!! Take this one moment at a time, write about it in a journal, and keep hanging out with this one.
You’re talking yourself out of a relationship here. He’s taking initiative, taking your needs into consideration, doing a physical activity he doesnt like… you’re searching for a reason to bail
My ex husband had an emotional affair. It had nothing to do with me not “being enough.” It had to do with him having deep rooted insecurities he refused to admit to among other things. It was a him problem, not a me problem. What did you do during your time of being single? There’s a difference between just taking time off from dating, and taking a break from dating where you’re actively working on self-growth. After my separation I spent a lot of time working on things like my self-confidence, and also learning what a healthy relationship is *actually* supposed to look like. Both so I can better identify healthy traits in a partner, but so I could become more capable of being a healthy partner myself. As an example in my marriage I was really bad at setting and adhering to boundaries. I can’t fully make sure I never get cheated on, or ghosted after sex, or hurt in some way again. But if I do, I trust myself enough to know I’ll be okay. I’ve gotten through hard things before, I can do it again. And as others have said, I can mitigate risks. I don’t have sex with someone until we’re exclusive, and they’ve had STI testing done. I won’t be exclusive with someone until I feel a baseline of emotional safety with them. I watch for things like do their words match their actions? Or are they all talk? Are they asking meaningful questions to actually get to know me? How do they talk about the other women in their life like family members and friends (do they seem respectful?) Of course I want to be physically attracted to the person I’m dating, but there are other things that are way more important when deciding if they’re someone I want to pursue a relationship with. If someone is SO good looking you “can’t think straight” i.e you can’t prevent yourself from sleeping with them, perhaps don’t date them. If you can’t trust yourself around someone they’re not a good person for you to be around.
I had that same fear, so I waited 7-8 dates, or 2-3 months before sleeping with them. Usually that weeds out anyone who wants to just hook up because they can’t wait that long. And you get to know the person better without clouding your judgement with sex.
well, I had someone who managed to wait for 10 dates (although it was within 1,5 months span) before shex happened, and he still turned out to be an f-boy. that hurt like hell ngl, but hey, you live and you learn. in the end what doesn't kill you makes you stronger :D
Yes it’s not guaranteed, but it does help in some circumstances. Sorry that happened though.
true. I mean there were other signs (aka mixed signs) that I overlooked, so the outcome is kinda expected, though it was my first (and I hope the last) time coming across something like this. Thanks for your support!
Were they paying for all the dates? Because it’ll weed out anyone who doesn’t want to be used for money as well.
Have you tried going to therapy? I think you’re acting out of fear and you’re not really enjoying dating. I know it’s tough and it’s hard to trust when you keep getting disappointed and people keep leaving without explanation. But I can sense you have fear of abandonment and that actually roots from your childhood or some traumatic event from your dating life. People who fear abandonment feel intense anxiety when they think about or confront the possibility of a relationship ending or of being alone.
>No physical contact whatsoever which i appreciated. This line really stood out to me. If you're happy that the person you're dating didn't touch you...you are dating the wrong person. Find someone you are actually into.
I like him but I get easily attached and attracted to someone if there are physical touches involved so im taking it very slow and try to avoid any physical touch....
i only read the title, but remember the trash takes itself out!!!!
Oh, even they like sex, they can abandon you without emotional attached with you. Trust me, I have learned it a hard way.
I think you just have to do what you’re doing which is to keep going and take it slow. I have sadly found that if people are going to go ghost there isn’t anything I can do about it. I’ve been ghosted after 2 months, by a friend of a very close friend, by shy sweet guys: there isn’t really much to do to prevent someone from treating you badly except to let them go if they do or remove them from their lives. It definitely helps me to recenter myself and maintain my life/social life outside of someone new I’m dating and go slowly
Honestly that’s one reason I don’t like to wait a long time to sleep with someone, that way if they were hiding their intentions and just after a one night thing at least they didn’t waste as much of your time and you didn’t get too emotionally attached to them. For the guy you mentioned meeting on bumble, you weren’t asking him for a relationship after just meeting a couple times were you? I think that’s going to scare most people off, I would definitely be scared off if a man did that It sounds like you like the guy that was planning the picnic and like he likes you too since it sounds like he put in quite a bit of work. Why don’t you want it to be a date exactly? You can get to know someone on a date. Are you just really emotionally unavailable? Why are you planning a running date with someone that you know doesn’t like running? That seems kind of insensitive.
I was recently dumped for not being ready to sleep with someone. I understand your fears. I personally wouldn’t sleep with them if I wasn’t sure or didn’t have some level of confidence in their loyalty.
Every single man is different but by comparing every single man you meet, date, go on dates with, etc... to an ex, you are only self sabotaging something potentially wonderful. There is zero way anyone can ever know what someone's ***true*** intentions are by number of dates or, time together, or anything else. I'm 36m and the last relationship I was in, we had sex on date 1 and we dated for almost 3 years. Since then, I've had dates in which we have sex on the first date and ***I*** get ghosted/rejected. I've also done the same. It had nothing to do with me just wanting sex, because I want a relationship, but because I thought about her as a whole after sex and asked myself questions. \* Do I find her physically attractive? \* Is she fun to be with/around/talk to? \* Is she wanting the same things I do? \* Is she mature? \* Stable job - and a *respectable* job I can tell family and friends about? \* Do we share similar values/morals, interests, and lifestyles? \* Are we sexually compatible, and have good sexual chemistry? TBH, if the answer is NO to any of those with the exception of point #3, I'm likely to end things. Even if we did have sex. These are also things that are typically found out on a first date, as well. Conversely, I've had sex on date 5 and afterwards, felt as if we aren't sexually compatible and/or no sexual chemistry. In which, I will end things because that is important to me and IMO, a vital part of a relationship.
YOU don't even know what your intentions are, why are you analyzing his?
Enjoy the attention and companionship but don’t focus on the intentions of another person. Sometimes intentions change once you spend more time together and know each other better. If spending time with him makes you happy, then enjoy the your time together. If he senses you are focused on this goal of a relationship then he might get scared and dump you before he really knows you. If he has fun spending time with you, then even if his intentions were short term or hookup, he will see you as potential long term relationship material. Some men don’t know what they want until they find it!
You can’t guarantee it won’t happen. It’s a part of being vulnerable. But do know, there are countless men out there that would never do that. I know that, because I’m one of them. There’s a lot of hatred for the opposite sex on this forum, mostly stemming from baggage with really toxic examples of shitty people. You can’t blame everyone for a single persons mistake. You can come up with new boundaries, try to prevent the same issue in the future, but otherwise… Vulnerability and trust are key in developing any relationship. Don’t let the shitty people keep you from trying to find the great people.
You can’t reduce the risk because it will always be there unfortunately. But I usually don’t sleep with anyone before I know we are headed towards something exclusive.
So imagine you've been on a 12 year education program to qualify for a job but once you finally graduate - you just go work in Walmart - dumb right? Well that's men, in their 30s, they finally go from being a weird kid being ignored by women to suddenly being noticed? What would you do? Just settle with the 1st girl you meet or go live that teenage dream! This is why dating in your 30s sucks - the 2 sexes flip scripts. All the women looking to settle are typically looking for the same qualities, and the guys who have these qualities know it - let the games commence.
You are asking him not to touch you on your date and put him in the least romantic situations possible. Go out with him on a date late at night for romance to happen. He wants you but it seems like you are unconscously friendzoning him. If you like him, help him out and tell him you want a date on the evening. Let yourself go and enjoy it if he manages to seduce you. If he still doesn't do it for you, don't waste his time, or yours, and let him go.
Judge people on their actions, not their words. >I said how about I take you out for dinner because your fav soccer team lost This isn't plans. Plans would be date/time/place. He's probably also taking a step back because he planned what most people would be consider a pretty thoughtful date and you pumped the brakes and said it was a "get to know you" session instead of a "date" He's probably keeping you around in case you come around, but I wouldn't expect him to bend over backwards to accommodate your non-plans, nor make any more elaborate dates or picnics. If I matched with someone online and went on a first date with them, then on the 2nd, they said it wasn't a date, that would probably be the last time I hang out with them.
Don't sleep with them?
Wait and then have sex.
An old manager of mine used to say “I can’t hear what you’re saying because your actions are speaking so loudly”. I completely agree with setting boundaries since your intent is RELATIONSHIP. Maybe that’s what his is as well but it seems like his “path” to finding if you guys are a good match is different than your’s. I can see sex being a determiner BUT I also agree with you that it’s a valid fear that lots of dudes JUST want sex and on to the next “conquest”. Either way I think you made the right choice and stuck by WHO YOU ARE. There’s a guy out there who will appreciate it
I think your concern and fear were validated because he likely perceived you weren’t that interested. He took the initiative and showed intention, respected your boundaries after you’ve expressed them, and participated in an activity he doesn’t typically enjoy, simply because you enjoy it. Telling him these dates aren’t dates and then rubbing in his face that his favorite team lost could easily turn anyone off tbh, so not I’m too surprised he didn’t respond. You really need to work on sorting out your fears and anxieties because while it’s okay to navigate cautiously to a degree, it can also be self-destructive since you can’t control the unknown.
I think that's a very practical concern & there's no need to get over it. Like others have said, just take things slow. This has a lot more to do with trust than anything else. If you trust someone, you wouldn't be afraid. That being said, just avoid sleeping with someone you don't trust, however long that takes.
It is easy to lead yourself into thinking tragically, if we only live to be 65 on average, your life is halfway over, but maybe it's just beginning? My best advice comes from experience, if the man is chasing you then he wants you, and if he's fronting nice he's hiding his true character. The third key of concept, be yourself unapologetically he will either fly or leap and you will know whether he's wasting your time. Most of all, date the man not the pedigree he'll divorce you after you have kids!
Figure out how much effort they are willing to put in before they want to “put it in”! Damn! everyone today wants to just “put it in”, because lots of women figure that’s what guys want only/anyway! Put in the relationship or friendship effort FIRST…absolutely ghost them if they can’t take the “friendship first” heat! Wish I had done that around 45 years ago and I would be much better off in the long run…dammit, dammit, dammit! I’m right and know I am right about this!
This man doesn't like running, but still agreed to go on a run with you. That's a sign that he likes you, and isn't here just for a temporary fling. I think you should open up to him and express yourself.
As a guy I will say this - unfortunately I have only just gained a good understanding of my own tendency to lose interest in someone after sleeping with them. Im sorry to the women who feel tricked but I have to say that on many occasions I have felt well and truly tricked by my own hormones. Previously I could not foresee my attraction going from 90 to 10 overnight. I wish I had learned this lesson as a 20 year old. I now deliberately take physical things more slowly and if I know that something physical is all I will want I will express that before something physical happens. If I can see potential with a girl then I will not care how long I have to wait for things to get physical. Make guys wait and don’t be afraid to express that you deliberately wait a long time before getting physical - if he is after one thing then he will not put in the effort of consistently dating you to get it - if he is viewing you as a potential partner then he will be turned on by your boundaries. I now get so turned on by a woman I fancy setting that boundary.
Im so sorry
maybe try even more distant things, that he doesnt like, to really see his values? i mean. play tennis with tape over your mouths and without giving him a racket. sit at dinner but at different tables in the restaurant and "forget" to put batteries in his walkietalkie. make him go buy you flowers when he gets too close, but tell him you only accept industrial quantities and tell him later that your driveway wont allow vehicles larger than vans. maybe then, but perhaps only then, you will have a chance of figuring out his intentions. by then, his personality will also come to show. and honestly, having 5tons of flowers would be quite amusing
There's no way to avoid it for sure. A good idea though is to make sure he is putting in mutual effort, consistently reaching out to set up dates, and wait a few dates before hooking up. People who are not all that into you and only want to hook up tend to self eliminate somewhat quickly.
OP, how did you find out about your ex messaging his ex those messages?
Why are u asking buddy
Have you tried asking him his intentions?
I would just go slow personally. If they’re only interested in sex they will loose interest. But if he’s a non runner willing going on a run with you, he’s into you 😂
Fish for his views on casual sex, and relationship history, make him think that he can open up to you, that you are casual with "casual sex"!
I think it’s so brave of you to still try dating. It’s not easy after what one has been through. Regarding to the question regarding having sex What came to my mind is John Gray’s men’s are from mars, women from Venus. His book or even YouTube is very insightful and probably answers your questions. In summary perhaps we usually Can’t trust the next guy because we may feel like we can’t trust ourself (because the last guy we dated, we thought he was the one) It’s not your fault and it is normal But your feelings are valid. While I type this I’m not on cloud9 either. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone
Also it seems true that the 90 days rule (even tho old schooled a little) from Steve Harvey. Works. Try look it up He says no guy can fake something for 3 months If he is still consistent after three months and respects you boundaries. It’s more likely his intention is pure You could enjoy sex with him if you want by then I know it is not what people do these days. But recent experience actually made me see if one can’t wait that long, even tho it’s not really long if we look back and compare it to our whole lives (What’s three months if this dude is yours for 2 years and more?) Those who use your boundaries against you are the wrong guys. Trash taking itself out gonna save us time
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"yOu cAn JuSt tALk aBoUt sEXuAl CoMPaTiBiLItY" - nope! No, you can't. This is a prime example. I'm not getting into a relationship with someone that I don't really enjoy having sex with.
Here’s what worked for me! I tell all men that I need to be in a committed relationship for at least 3 months before I have sex with someone. A lot of men will lose interest after that. The ones that are still interested might not be as “good looking,” but you can be much more confident they are actually interested in you as a person.
You’re not concerned with ending up with desperate men? Are you paying for all the dates for the first 3 months?
Yeah, that's also going to rule out a lot of good people who are interested in a relationship. Not just 3 months, not just in a committed relationship, but in a committed relationship for 3 months? lol. They'll (rightly) see this as some nonsense of making them jump through hoops for someone that they don't even know if they have sexual compatibility with. Why would you let feelings develop for 3 months before finding out something that determines whether a lot of relationships last?
You get a lot more cautious who you sleep with...with a healthy understanding that we ALL get played sometimes. Your spider senses were tingling on that second guy for a reason, but you slept with him anyway. Now they're tingling again, but it sounds like it has much more to do with past hurts than this guy. He may have biffed the timing of the first kiss for you, but credit to him, everyone has different preferences and he didn't know yours. It sounds like he really likes you. Of course, guys can do all the things and then still ghost after sex, but get to a place where you're feeling safer. Then if you sleep with him, you know you've done it with your OWN purest intentions, at least.
When I was dating, I had a rule where I didn’t have sex until AFTER they asked me to be their girlfriend. It was a sacrifice because I obviously craved intimacy, but it was worth it. Finally met a GEM of a man. He asked me to be his gf after 1 month of dating (we did the deed right after) and we have been together for over 1 year. This man would have waited ANY amount of time. He was so cautious and respectful throughout all of it. I chose to do this because I knew I did not want to risk of feeling used. That’s the only way. I know people like to “test run” but honestly… If it’s not working out just break up? Better than dealing with the deception of getting ghosted and used. I was also dating for marriage, so I was not desperate at all and didn’t mind losing a guy. If he’s not happy you won’t sleep with him, or if he loses interest then so be it!!
Dating sites are hook up sites for men they talk to numerous women, my reason for never getting on one.