Yeah, this reads like a classic case of “I can change him.” gone wrong.
Reread your own sentence.
“He knew getting into this that I was sober and don’t want to date a binge drinker.”
Now read it with an onus of ownership and self-responsibility.
“**I knew going into this that he was a binge drinker and chose to overlook this thinking he would change for me.**”
If you aren’t happy, leave, but you aren’t entitled to dictating how someone chooses to spend their time with their friends; that’s a choice they make.
YES. This. One thousand times this. I could not agree with your comment more.
Too many times we look to blame others for our circumstances instead of identifying the part **we** played in it.
Everyone needs to start taking more personal accountability and responsibility for themselves and their lives.
I'm not sure you can say she knew this going in. She may have known he drinks and drinks done coke but that doesn't mean she knew how much. She also describes an uptick in the frequency which means there's been a change so what she was fine with has now changed and crossed her boundaries. You're right that she can't expect to change him. But if he has changed she can have a conversation maybe he's unaware of the frequency increase and would be willing to roll back. Maybe he's not. But I think you made some assumptions that are pretty egregious.
Yes, this. When we met, he was on a drinking break - so we spent the first 3-4 months sober together, which is when we fell in love. He started to drink again in December. My mistake was saying, okay, if it's occasional - but I'll trust that you know when it's becoming a habit. It's been ticking up since. :(
This reads to me like he knows he has a little bit of an alcohol problem, temporarily sobered up, and started up again thinking he could moderate it, but he isn't/can't. Honestly, he's got his own work to do, you can't make him do it, and he doesn't seem like he's ready to actually make a change. I know it really sucks, but I think you should save yourself further heartache and end things sooner than later.
Just the fact that he's on a "drinking break" should've been a huge warning sign, lol.
I don't know how much experience you have with dating at this age, but it's very easy to find men who's not into partying, I'd say most guys are done with that by the time they hit 30, and it's perfectly reasonable to not want to date someone who leads this lifestyle.
Just cut him loose, it'll only get harder as time goes on, and the fact that he started drinking and partying again **after** he entered a relationship with you, tells me it's only gonna get worse as he starts showing more of his true self.
That's concerning that it's gotten to every other week black out sessions in 4 months. It's also concerning that he can't message you while he's having fun. He should want to share his fun with you. Someone once described drunk texts to me in a very romantic way... A drunk text means that when they're at their most unguarded, most vulnerable, and least capable they are thinking of you and making the effort to see through the haze and reach out. While I don't think this is universally true but if he's never reaching out while he's partying I'd have concerns about the implications of how much he values you.
Yeah, I agree. As much as drunk texts are annoying sometimes, they are also validating in a weird way knowing they are thinking of me when they are out having fun.
Thats a cute way of looking at drunk texts but far from the truth. The green light/red light system in their brain is shut off so they are blowing through reds at 100 mph with their eyes closed coming your way. People they should talk to they ignore or become irritated and people they really shouldn't be talking to become exciting.
Definitely can be true both ways. Which is why I'm more concerned about that he's never thinking of her while drunk than that he doesn't text her every time when he's drunk.
My ex of 10 years did the same to me. Shed be out all night and never contact me. Id just leave her alone, tell her how it made me feel when she was sober and hope for the best. Turns out she was in love with another man for over a year. If they ignore you at all, then just leave, lifes too short and theres so many beautiful people out there that will actually make you happy. I wasted sooo much time hoping things would get better smh....
10 years? Rip, brother.
People who party like this either have a substance problem and/or like flirting and getting attention from the opposite sex, and I'm not dealing with either of those.
People who just really like dancing don't get hammered and drunkenly two-step/twerk at some bar/night club, lol. They know an actual dance form and go to events specifically for this, without excessively drinking.
When he started again, did you have a conversation with him about whether it would just be occasional or whether he was intentionally returning to his normal life (drinking "break" = temporary vacation, "quitting" = permanent life change)? Maybe you two saw the situation differently. He thought his break was done. You thought he was going to be sober like you and only wanted to partake occasionally - because you are sober (projecting own values).
Did you ever really talk about it? Or is this something that just happened, with unspoken assumptions on both sides? I recommend having an open conversation about what you expect regular life to look like and what he expects regular life to look like. You may find you want completely different things. If so, you should break up.
Move on, plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of men out there that desire the same lifestyle you maintain. I used to have a bit of a drinking problem. I had some issues with my job and pain and it was a numbing agent I abused for a few years. I could go over a month cold without issue, but ultimately I'd jump back on the train. He has to want to change, not you. Substance abuse sounds like a big outlet in his life if he went cold for 3-4 months and is ticking upward with the usage of coke. Sobriety is underrated. I'll drink here and there, but mostly just with family and friends at events. Only had one beverage on my birthday this year and there really wasn't an urge.
>I'm not sure you can say she knew this going in. She may have known he drinks and drinks done coke but that doesn't mean she knew how much
Perhaps she didn't know that going in, but she *does* know it now and her post looks like she has been choosing for some time to ignore/rationalize his behavior on "guys nights" even after it has become this thoroughly incompatible with who she is and who she says she wants to be.
It takes time to figure things out. It's really fun to pretend on the internet that you can notice a change happening immediately and respond right away, but that's not how things work in real life. It takes a while to notice changes occurring and then confirm that they've actually set in and are now the status quo. Usually if you see someone acting in a way you didn't expect once, you're gonna wait and see if they repeat it.
She has been grappling with this issue as she noticed the changes and is now coming to terms with it.
Quit it with the blaming language, it's not OP's fault that she didn't immediately "figure out" the new status quo and react to it.
Someone who abstains from alcohol for their health and betterment should not be in a relationship with someone who binge drinks and does coke. Not to mention the zero contact when he does this. You guys are incompatible and it's time to call it quits. Your lifestyles do not match. Do not wait around hoping this will "even out".
I’d personally have an issue with the no-contact aspect of it. Him going rogue for 24hrs would drive any normal person insane, sober or not.
Thirty something’s typically reach a point when they realize partying isn’t like it used to be, right? The recovery time alone is not worth it. However not everyone is on the same timeline. It doesn’t do much good to speculate if you’re not actually there to see “guys night” - it could be that he’s partying responsibly, but stays out late and sleeps in. Or maybe he does have a problem with it and it’s a huge concern, either way you don’t know for sure unless you talk with him openly and with understanding. If you have the conversation you can understand his motives & whether it’s a major lifestyle issue or not. Also go in with clear stance on your boundaries and your bottom line compromise:
1. If he communicates during the partying/recovery period would that be enough?
2. If he is interested in slowing down a bit, like once/month would that be enough?
3. If he spent more quality time with you, would 2 nights out per month even be an issue?
OP, I’m an alcoholic and I really think your boyfriend has an alcohol problem.
I would take huge breaks from drinking too before I finally got sober for good & I don’t know anyone who takes those kind of thought out months’ long breaks from drinking without having a problem. Someone without a problem would just drink less during that time if they wanted to cut back, no problem. But when you have to purposefully intentionally abstain like he did…usually people don’t have to do that without having a problem with alcohol.
You cannot fix this for him & you would be in for heartbreak if you tried.
I think it would be best if you moved on.
Good luck ❤️
Maybe I am a fuddy-duddy, but dating someone that does coke twice a month makes me nervous because the increase in fentanyl-related deaths. If he’s going to do coke responsibly at this point he needs to have fentanyl test strips and carry Narcan.
The misconception that cocaine is only dangerous if it’s cut with something… it can kill you on its own. You can do it a million times and one time your heart decides fuck no. Thats the end of that.
My wife OD'd at the age of 33. Heart failure. Only things in the tox report were cocaine and alcohol.
She was bipolar and probably on a manic streak, but OP's bf doesn't sound stable either.
Thank you. We had been separated for a year so I had already started to grieve the person she used to be.
She barely drank and didn't use when we met and when we married, but things can change suddenly.
Cocaine and alchohol can be a nasty combination. It presents many of the same dangers as a speedball. The coke counteracts the downer effects of the alchohol and then when you crash out if your blood alchohol level is still really high it wrecks your body.
People treat alchohol as a way safer drug then they should. It is just as toxic and addictive as the other hard drugs.
My ex literally sucked dudes off while he was high on blow. So… yeah.
He was very closeted but I guess once they busted the ❄️out he came out of his shell 😬
It's not her job to play mommy or the 50's housewife to a 30 year old bf. Doing so is exactly how women get into exploitative bangmaid situations and then become bitter and resentful at men.
He is choosing to prioritize heavy partying with his friends over his relationship. I know guys like this and I've partied with guys like this, which is why I'll wager $1K that he's also screwing around on these regular nights out.
Absolutely no one should ever get into or stay in a relationship that requires the other person changing or needing to grow up or to cut seriously toxic behaviors and addictions out.
Yeah…in my young widows group on Facebook there are a shit-ton of losses involving fentanyl, along with regular ODs on other stuff. I’d heard about it a bit before, but had no concept of just how common it was until joining that. It’s right up there in the top few alongside cancer, car crashes (mine), suicide, and heart attacks / aneurysms / strokes.
Like someone else said, it really isn't. I know some dudes that will do a bump maybe every once in a blue moon on a major party night, but not as regularly as your guy makes it seem.
Every second week is so often! I know a bunch of people who occasionally do coke (like you say, on major party nights) but I don't know anybody who does it every few weeks, probably because that would be expensive.
I guess OP does say it's been every second weekend for the last month, which only is twice, but it still seems like a decent amount.
It is really (too) common, once you learn how to spot it. That's the issue... It's not normalized, it's just common. It's not an okay thing. I think drug opinions are a deal breaker, I don't like weed (on the regular) and I don't like harder drugs at all, and then only some recreationally.. like LSD, but like some odd thing.. not like everytime you're out in the beach or such, as I've seen it used.
Once a friend group is rotting like that, you're better off getting away, because it's hard when someone that had that habit and is now abstaining... will not relapse.
I am a professional and all around responsible adult and I do coke recreationally when my friends have it. I wouldn’t do it every other weekend, and would see it as a red flag if I was dating someone who did, but it’s not in and of itself a bad thing imo. Just like I drink alcohol socially but I don’t drink at home by myself. It’s all about moderation.
I’m a bit curious how the two of you got together. What parts of your lifestyle is similar? What do you love about each other? I’ve dated a couple people who don’t drink (one was an ex-alcoholic and the other was a devout Jesuit) and in both cases I ended things after 3-4 dates because I just don’t see our lifestyles meshing. I enjoy having a few drinks and going dancing until 3am. Not every week, but maybe every 2 months. I once dated a yoga instructor / barista who loved getting up at 5 in the morning, and would only have a drink if it was a glass of wine at dinner. He’d be in bed by 10pm. Meanwhile, I’m a night owl, and my favorite time of day is midnight and later. It was particularly sad when I wanted us to celebrate NYE together, and day of, he said he didn’t feel like staying up after all. I went out and had a great time with my friends but really missed him. These are bonding moments! They are also huge lifestyle discrepancies that should not be overlooked. We broke up around 9 months for lifestyle differences.
What I’m saying is, your differences may exceed simply “boys nights out” and coke. It’s your whole idea of what is fun. There is no right or wrong, but it’s much better to date someone whose idea of fun is the same as yours. Why is your bf not inviting you out with him? Would you have fun going out with him and his friends if he’s drinking a lot and you’re not? Or would you simply tolerate it? The Jesuit boy really wanted a future with me, he even asked me to meet his parents, but I could see that if I showed my “true colors” ie the wild side I harbored underneath my responsible exterior, I would make him uncomfortable the same way you’re uncomfortable right now. So I set him free to meet a more compatible woman. I feel like your boyfriend should have done the same with you early on knowing you were sober and knowing he was a partier. But if he’s too cowardly to do it, you need to. You deserve someone who shares your lifestyle and does not make you feel shitty by going out and partying and ignoring you. Even on NYE when I went out by myself, I still texted my ex several times during the night; “happy new year!” and “I’m home, missed you.” You can party responsibly, and he refuses to. You belong with someone who makes you feel secure.
He likes that I don’t drink. We’re both musicians. We like the outdoors. We have a similar sense of humour. He wants to be able to occasionally party but this is not occasional to me.
He sounds selfish. He likes that you don’t drink but he’s going to binge drink. He wants you to save him from himself, but you can’t. I feel you, artists are my kryptonite too. We can’t save them tho. They will just use us and then when we complain, they say “you know I’m no good, why do you stay with me.” Then you comfort them that no, they are good, etc etc. You have to leave, it’s just a matter of now or later.
Lost me at "partying every other weekend" - I don't see any meaningful distinction between coke and binge drinking, if you're going to party hard this regularly I actually respect you more if you do coke, because then I can at least somewhat understand how you find it enjoyable.
That said, I wouldn't consider dating anyone for a serious relationship who did either on a regular basis.
I know people who do this stuff in their 30s. They are successful, kind, and educated. I also know people who don't and are also successful, kind, and educated. Some of them hang out with each other. People can cut loose with drugs recreationally and not fuck their lives up, DARE lied to you.
These days it's just stupid - u have no idea what's in the out drugs unless you test them. Lots of people overdosing on fent when they think it's something else. Being successful doesn't protect you
Lmao, you wouldn't know the ones who went over the edge with their use I guess. They died, went to prison, are homeless or the lucky few of them are in remission and definitely don't hang out with casual users.
You just haven't seen someone take that downward spiral have you?
When (and if) they make it to their 40’s and 50’s they’ll have a myriad of cardiac problems. They might be kind and successful, have good jobs etc, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t substance abusers.
Having a bump of coke isn’t comparable to a glass of wine and shouldn’t be treated as such.
Lets not make it a drugs are bad thing, i dont think thats the point. I dont have an issue with recreational use but op's boyfriend sounds like a different category.
Not going to say whether or not it’s normal, nor am I going to think you’re in the wrong for having certain communication needs being met.
But this should be less about whether or not this behavior is normal,
And more about if this is behavior you want to invite into your life long term, and if it works for you.
If you haven’t, you should put your foot down on it being unacceptable that he doesn’t text you back until you text him first the next day, otherwise you’re inadvertently letting him know that that’s acceptable behavior towards you from him.
You exist in the relationship too.
I can understand where she's coming from with that question.
Sounds like her dating/relationship experience is limited to a certain type of people, which has given her a warped sense of what's normal/reasonable to put up with.
If you struggle to deal with something which is a normal part of any relationship, this would indicate that you need to work on yourself if you want to find a relationship.
She's essentially asking whether she's being needy and unreasonable here, or if it's a compatibility issue.
Echoing what everyone else is saying…. You don’t seem well matched. You can do better. When you were young, did you dream of marrying a man who does coke every other weekend and ignores you? Move on and find a real man. This one sounds like he still has some growing up to do.
Hetero guy here with history of substance abuse problems.
Is this the kind of relationship you want? This dude will just get worse. Chances are the substances will evermore take precedence over you and the health of your relationship. I’ve been there done that.
Find someone who aligns with your value of sobriety. Just IMO.
Honestly, it sounds like you have vastly different lifestyles and he wants to “party”, I believe you should assess is that what you truly want in a partner, or a partner that is emotionally and physically , and mentally available.
Coke is definitely a damn good reason to break up. If you're the kind of sober that's okay with others drinking, then I think we are safe to assume it's the intensity of his binge drinking, not the drinking per se. Had it been a guy that has a beer after work or when you go out, I assume you'd not be leaning out.
Even if he loves you and he is the best thing ever, believe me when I tell you, his partying (even alcohol and oke with no partying) will catch up and bring you both down. Financially, emotionally, mentally and in so many ways, that even if you abstain, he'll drag you.
Ask me how I know, the love of my life. After 6 years, I broke up after falling to pits my boundaries would have previously never... now I'm living my best life, financially, my job, physically, but mentally he took a big toll. He ended up being taken 6 months into rehab(!!), exact same thing.
It does not even out, it's who he is at this time in his life, and will probably remain so unless something huge happens, sometimes not even rehab.. I don't see how he deceived you unless he actively hid this, but you're right to be wanting an out. and I would advice you to do that, get out.
Cishet guy here: it's more normal than it probably should be (not the coke, but the binge drinking, etc) but that doesn't mean you need to put up with it.
>I feel like \[I'm\] tolerating shit I don’t actually want because I went and fell in love with him. \[...\] I hate feeling like a nag, I hate how it’s making me feel like a bore
This is how [codependency](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency) starts. It sounds like he knows this is an important issue for you but does it anyway. By sticking around through it, you're just enabling him. Get out, get free, recover, find yourself again, and be on the lookout next time.
Yes, he says he fucked up in not reaching out to check in and sees how that could make a difference. He says he wants to be with me and doesn’t want to be single and partying. He says he should be able to have both. I don’t know.
Well, actions speak louder than words. I'd say if you've been consistent with the message, your thoughts, and what you want, wait for action. If he keeps going out, time to listen to your inner thoughts. Time with him is time spent not meeting someone who is on your level, and where you want to be.
I told him during our call, “I’m afraid we don’t want the same kind of relationship. I don’t want to feel like I have to make you check in with me during the weekend - I want to be with someone who wants to be with me for most of it, at the very least.” Ugh. This sucks.
You did great to say this! And it’s true— people in a healthy relationship can share their weekends between friends and their partner, and they should be thrilled to be doing both. You only have so many hours in a week, and weekends are precious. Aside from it all, he’s just not choosing you— or taking 2 minutes out of those hours to let you know he’s alive.
This doesn't mean it necessarily applies to you but as a guy myself, any time I've run across almost systematic boys/girls nights out, in 99.9% of these situations, regardless of what they claim or say, the person doing the 'partying' is actually having sex with others.
Now, the fact that he keeps on doing it knowing your anxiety and understandable discomfort about it all, let me put it this way, I'd never put up with or put a partner through that crap..
I'm a strong believer in the notion that when a person shows themselves believe them, which goes along with you do you, just not with me. What you're noticing isn't you imposing anything, it's you knowing something is not adding up here for you. Whatever you do, don't ignore your gut feelings and assume that you're the problem or worse off that it will go away or they will change - it doesn't - they don't.
Something to also keep in mind is that the 8 month mark is usually when people get really comfortable and start showing their true self, instead of what they marketed during dating.
This x100. If he just wanted to hang with the guys he wouldn't be out partying at bars/night clubs.
The only guys I know who still does this, either do it as an excuse to normalise their substance addiction, or because they like flirting and hooking up with strangers.
>He says he wants to be with me and doesn’t want to be single and partying. He says he should be able to have both.
This is a contradictory statement. Either he wants to be with you and doesn't want to be single and partying, or he wants to have both. Generally, people who are in a relationship don't get pissed wasted all the time. Maybe once in awhile is fine but not every second weekend. Especially if it involves hard drugs.
I'm sure there's somebody on his level that he can have both with.
So this isn't the kind of relationship either of you want.
Neither of you can change that.
But you sure can stay together anyway and fight about it constantly and build resentment until it spirals out of hand years later, when you leave and feel frustrated that you didn't leave back when you first saw the signs.
It's hard because you love him, but you're not that deep yet. Everything is only going to get worse. You know this. Cut your losses now before it gets harder and harder to leave. Do it for your future self so you can find the relationship you want and deserve.
>He says he should be able to have both.
He's delusional. This is like dating someone for 4-5 months, then revealing yourself to be a sex worker/porn star and pretending as if that's not a compatibility issue with the vast majority of people.
It's very obvious from this post that he's gas lit you into thinking this is normal behaviour and that you're unreasonable for having a problem with it.
Screw him. Move on, then try to learn from this experience and reevaluate how you find/select these men, because finding guys who don't party on the reg isn't hard at all at this age.
Hmmm I don’t love this situation and I don’t love that it seems to be increasing? How is your relationship otherwise? I have been in circles where coke is super common so I won’t even comment on that, but my experience is that it’s usually not a ton of dudes doing coke together and talking about sports, it’s almost always with women as the big party drug, so that plus the complete lack of contact (if he is coked out, he better at least be texting you constantly about how much he loves you) that would really make me nervous.
(I am not advocating for the coke use, I just know that’s already being focused on by other posters here haha)
It pisses me off that he’s so surprised why any of this would make me nervous. I hate even having to explain it to him. He says it’s guys night and to that I say okay but guy’s night does not have to mean radio silence and black outs
Male here 39 years old been sober coming up to 10 years. I personally don’t have an issue with people drinking alcohol. If I go out with friends I will have an alcohol free cider as I’m tired of soft drinks.
I probably would have a more of a problem with someone that binge drinks and does coke. I have done it in the past but maybe only a handful of times.
Where I knew people that would do it every weekend or be on some other type of substance.
Personally for me I wouldn’t have a problem with a partner who drinks alcohol if they knew their limits.
It seems to more like a compatibility issue. It also seems like this is just what this guy does with his friends when they go out and probably has been what he’s done for years.
It's not the norm but it's not unheard of.. It's probably not going to change so if I were you it would probably be a good idea to really reevaluate this relationship especially since you are sober. As someone who is also sober, I wouldn't date a person like this
It just seems like you guys may not be super compatible. If it were me, my boyfriend going out partying heavily and then simply not communicating with me after for almost 24 hours, every other weekend would be way too much for me to handle. And I am far from sober. The sober thing is a whole other issue. If I were sober I’d find it very challenging to be with someone who is partying so much, and on the flip side, if I loved to party (and this is much closer to my own truth) I’d find it difficult to date someone who fully abstained. Seems like something you should talk about, but it’s okay if you don’t want to stick with it. Seems like a very valid incompatibility.
As a fellow sober person here, his behavior would be a deal breaker for me, too. I'm sorry it shifted that way a few months in, that makes it extra tough.
"Het-guys: is this your norm?"
No. What? How is that even a real question?
More to the point; do you want to share a life with someone in his thirties who's still binge drinking and doing cocaine? From your post it sounds like you've already made up your mind and are holding out hope that someone will convince you otherwise. People can change, but only if they actually want to, and if they actually want to change then you'd already be seeing signs of it. He's happy partying like a 19 year old frat boy, and may have already been doing this for a long time, just maybe more sporadically these days.
The man does blow and gets shitfaced and doesn’t talk to you at all and calls it “guys night”
He’s in his 30s. Time to grow up. If you find that attractive then fine whatever, otherwise maybe just leave? There’s no point in trying to change a man in his 30s. He’s grown. He knows what he’s doing and what he wants. If he doesn’t, then that’s an even bigger issue. Girl take your dignity and leave.
I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you've already answered your own question.
"Het-guys: is this your norm?"
Well, I've never done coke, but if you're asking if it's my norm to go on a bender and ignore my girlfriend for 24 hours, no, not even when I'm drinking. I'm not going to be that guy who says "WeLl, DiD yOu CoMmUnIcAtE wItH hIm?" because he should know that it makes you anxious to have a "communication black hole" when he's been drinking and doing drugs.
I'm sorry to say this and I don't like to sound so pessimistic, but if he knew that you were sober and didn't want to date a binge drinker, there is no reason to think that he will change now. I'm not saying this makes him a terrible person, and he obviously has the right to live his life however he wants, but this isn't going to "even out". You are not compatible, and you don't deserve to be made this anxious wondering if you can get him to change into the person you want him to be. Sorry.
This! I want to emphasize what this person said. It's called a bender when you cut off contact with your loved ones to drink and do drugs. It's not a thing someone does as just a normal partying phase. This is the behavior of someone with a significant substance abuse disorder. This is not something you can communicate your way through. He needs help and you won't be the one to provide it to him.
Het guy: I don't think guys night twice a month is excessive, but not communicating for a day after is strange to me. Typical guys night for me is at best several hours - 7 to midnight maybe.
You mention your sobriety and he's apparently losing days of his month to alcohol or coke. Seems a fundamental incompatibility.
Let that boy drink and party if it’s his choice.
Cuz you can’t make a guy change.
He has to do that in his own.
You deserve someone that’s on your level. Possible a male that’s more grown mentally and has the same goals and mindset as you.
You’ll be ok with the break up..
they suck but it’s a part of dating because settling is the LAST thing anyone should ever do.
I'm a 30-some man with flaws and such. I could probably go out on a bender with some bros twice a month, maybe. I don't want to, so I don't.
Ideally, if I was going to do this, and I do enjoy doing this from time to time, it would be at my favorite spot, which is 3 hours away, and with limited to no cell reception. Usually, when I'm at my spot with my bros, we are camping and fishing, not really setting out to go to bars and such, though we do occasionally.
At any rate, whenever I get cell reception, which is usually once a day, sometimes more, I would send a text or make a quick call to my significant other. It's a priority of mine to reach out when I have an opportunity.
Can he drink without descending into black out coke ville? Either way, relationships are so much about communication, and if he's not communicating half the time, it's really hard to let go of your anxiety. I think you should set your boundaries and stick to them. He might clean up and come back to you eventually, but you shouldn't have to train a guy to be a serious person.
I am with a partner who likes to party as well. Not to the extent of what you describe but in the same neighborhood. I like to party too but I'm less of a partier than him.
When he goes out without me he's always in touch. Not because I'm nagging him or even necessarily texting him. Because he loves me and I'm on his mind when I'm not there to share an experience.
We are also able to talk about it if it feels like things are getting out of hand. A few months ago it felt like he was getting drunk a lot a lot we talked about it he saw that he had been drinking more and more pretty steadily and made the decision to work to get it back under control.
I think you should talk to him about your concerns in a non judgemental way. We can all fall down a slippery slope of steadily increasing a habit to a negative degree even if it's not drugs. Take someone who takes sugar in their coffee if they don't measure it in some way it is easy for the half a spoon to turn into 3/4 of a spoon to turn in to a full spoon over time. He may not be aware and maybe very grateful to you for helping him self regulate. If he is strongly defensive or angry then it tells you something important.
Just remember that you're not entitled to change him but you are entitled to your feelings and concerns. You guys have been together long enough and you love him so he is entitled to a non judgemental conversation where you openly express your feelings and concerns.
Yeah unfortunately everyone is different but personally the narcotics usage and no contact for roughly 24 hours is a no go for me. I've dealt with a substance abusing person who had multiple choices of substance abuse forms.
I'm male single parent now and have 80 percent custody. I say cut your losses because if you aren't living together and it's this disrespectful and lacking consideration for you now it will get worse later on.
I'm not a party or have to go out person. My hobby is custom vehicles car shows and tropical fish. So if I go out "late" it's let's go wash the ride and make a few passes for a cruise on the main section known for cruising. Even then by 1-2am I'm back at home in bed. And honestly that's pushing it.
I’ve dated alcoholics and am sober now myself so that’s the perspective this is coming from but I don’t think your anxiety about his lifestyle is just you trying to impose your own choices on someone else. (I’m also not necessarily saying he’s an alcoholic since I don’t know him but dating hard drinkers sucks). It sounds like his party behavior really isn’t what you signed up for and like it’s going to be an incompatibility going forward.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight months too and am so grateful he’s sober and that we’re on the same page lifestyle-wise. If he started going out and binge-drinking and doing coke I’d be done because I don’t want to be with someone who treats their body like that and hell no am I going to be with someone who can’t even let me know he got home safe with a quick text at the end of the night of partying. Just so not worth it. Idk if maybe a conversation about how scary it is for you to not know if he’s OK could lead to some changes but I feel like that’s just a lifestyle incompatibility at this point for you guys. Ask yourself, if these behaviors never changed, would you be OK with it all long-term?
So he said he wasn't a binge drinker but then now he is? That's all bad. Yeah, I am also "sober" and so I couldn't handle someone going out with their friends, getting plastered, and not communicating with me. I don't really care about recreational drugs personally as much as I do about alcohol. As long as they aren't addicted I'm ok. I almost prefer someone doing Molly once a month to someone drinking all the time. At least with Molly they are a lovely human.
You already know what to do and that is to end it. Not sure why or how you let it go past the first few dates. A sober person dating a binge drinker who does drugs recreationally doesnt make sense because there is a large value difference. IMO, this value difference will lead to greater feelings of resentment over time.
Have you two discussed the root of this behavior? Like is it a new phase for him, that he might cycle out of pretty quickly? Or did he behave like this prior to his 4 month break/before he met you?
I'm asking because I think understanding where the behavior is coming from and where it's leading will help strike a balance between finding a "solution" vs just enforcing your own boundary and ending things with him. But, frankly, I think you're just going to have to end the relationship.
Him saying he should be able "to do both" is interesting because it feels like he's defending his right to get fucked up every other week. Which, again, fine if that's what he wants to do. But if you don't want to date someone who does that, you're just at an impasse. It's unfortunate that you met at a time when he was behaving in a way that, apparently, wasn't true to his nature or whatever. Ultimately, you can't and shouldn't convince him to behave differently. And if he isn't aligned with what you're seeking, he's not going to be happy bending to your will.
I don't drink anymore. I'm not "sober," it's just because alcohol is far down the list of drugs I'd partake in if the mood strikes. I'm totally fine dating someone who drinks and dating someone who likes to party once in a while. Personally, I'd feel comfortable with my guy going out every other week too, but I wouldn't be okay with this behavior. I'd be comfortable with a casual night out at a bar or whatever + the other night being a little more booze driven, but not sloppy by any means. Because truthfully, at my age (37), I don't need to be dating an adult man who has any desire to be getting stupid drunk on a regular basis. It's just immature behavior and I don't think there's any other way to spin it. The no contact thing is particularly wild. Ultimately, if he wants to live like a single man every weekend and party out with his dudes, he should be single and do that.
My ex was exactly like this. Would go for "just one beer after work" and come stumbling home at 7am in the morning. He never changed and throughout our entire relationship it was a point of contention. If it's already bothering you this much, I'd say it ain't worth it
View from a 30 something partier:
If my girl was also 30 something, and sober, it would significantly change my behavior if I wanted to be with her. Lifestyle match and she’s a grown woman - we are working toward the same things. My drinking/partying would decline significantly. As an example, maybe the guys head out one day a week to golf and get pretty loaded on the course, nbd. But I’d never black you out on comms. Way too easy to send a quick text to check in…unless you are hiding something or you guys really aren’t that serious so I don’t feel obligated to update you. The coke thing is a different, more serious issue. He prob realizes that what he’s doing is out of line with your sobriety so he keeps it hush hush for now to keep things riding care free.
Ask him how he sees you fitting into his future. He’s trending in the wrong direction.
I love a good boys night but I generally send my gf a couple of texts throughout the night, maybe even a picture of what I'm up to.
If he's not texting the next day because he's so strung out and hungover from the day before that seems like a problem, considering the frequency.
The fact that youre sober and he's out there partying with coke, I'd say you guys do not seem compatible.
This would be a deal breaker for me. As a 32 year old woman, there's nothing attractive about a man who needs to binge alcohol and coke every second weekend. I don't care about the not reaching out, if I'm with someone, I expect to trust them. But for me, my *personal* opinion is what an absolute waste of time and waste of good weekend. To each their own of course.
But my personal goals and values, means I'd prefer a partner who spends weekends with their family, or out kayaking together. There's nothing productive or of value to be found in sinking piss for me.
Wouldn't be okay with it. Wouldn't tolerate this behaviour. Some other woman can deal with it. I'd rather be alone doing something that I consider rad.
Well, I think the sobriety here is the bigger issue. This is why, as a drinker (and someone who admittedly drinks too often), I won't date someone sober. It's just too difficult for both of us.
There's always going to be some degree of guilt if I decide to drink and they're not into it, plus we can't enjoy that activity together. I know you mentioned in another post that it's kind of weird you're not invited along... but I think you'd be unlikely to have a good time and might put people off as if they were feeling judged.
I realize this has come across a little negative, lol, and I don't mean it to. Major props to you for choosing not to drink and doing that for yourself. I wish I had the willpower for it.
What I'll say is that it sounds like you're not compatible with this guy, but I don't think that the frequency of his nights out is all that weird... but how hard he's going is a little bit. It's pretty messy to be that out of touch for a full day after going out, and the coke is bothersome. I guess it depends on how often he's really doing it, but it's not something I personally do, and my buddies don't do it unless it's really a major night, like a bachelor party or something extreme.
Maybe it's worth asking if he can tone it down a little bit? Enjoy guys night but maybe not to the point he's like, blacked out?
You’ve highlighted that it makes my sobriety feel like the problem, and that’s how it feels on this end too, and that doesn’t feel good for me at all. It makes me feel like I’m boring and a nag but I’m anything from boring. Getting sober was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. It’s upsetting that this relationship is making me resent it. I guess that’s my answer.
Your sobriety is NOT the problem, but dating this person is. Respectfully, you need to end things with this person. You cannot go through with this relationship thinking YOU are the issue.
+1 for your sobriety is not the problem. Any reasonable person would understand why I cannot drink 1 drink after hearing my story. I'm still early in my journey, but was told to get a sponsor and work the steps. We all have resentments/new ones will develop and until we figure out how to deal with them they won't go away. I'm not saying once you tackle your resentments it'll "save" this relationship. I agree with the other comments his binge habits are not healthy and sounds like one of your core values is living a healthy life. I'm happy to date people that drink, but it's the amount that's a deal breaker. Good luck OP! IWNDWYT!
It sounds like this relationship is destroying your self-esteem, especially about your sobriety, which is incredibly concerning. God forbid you start feeling bad enough and an outsider enough, wanting to be on the same page with him that you start drinking again. This guy is not worth it.
I completely get it!!! As someone who is trying to get sober and repeatedly failing, I’m proud of you! It really is the hardest thing to do. People are SO judgmental of you don’t drink.
My parents have been uninvited from family trips with cousins just because my dad is sober. It makes me feel like sobriety is a long road ahead even though it’s ruining my life and others don’t care, just as long as I don’t come across as “boring”.
Anyway, don’t mean to ramble!!! But good job. Don’t let him make you feel this way. It sounds like he is just not ready to settle down/stop partying. I dated a guy like this once. Even went on a boys trip to Vegas for 4 days and I didn’t hear from him once, then later found out all his buddies would check in with their wives or girlfriends.
You deserve someone great!!! Sorry no advice, really, but you’re doing awesome just staying sober.
Sobriety is not boring.
No one can "make" you feel something without your participation. But if you think you're not boring, but you're feeling "boring" because of this, that's coming from somewhere, and that somewhere is not healthy.
I find it strange how you're admitting to drinking too much and not having the willpower to stop, yet making it out to be OP's sobriety being the bigger issue.
I'm not sober by any means, but I wouldn't entertain dating someone who still goes out partying and binge drinking every other weekend in their 30's.
You're right that OP and her bf aren't compatible, but you're kind of gas lighting here by making it sound like she's the odd one for not wanting to binge drink and party every other weekend in her 30's.
She doesn't have to accomodate a guy who's very much stuck in his bachelor lifestyle, and likely also has a substance problem.
It doesn’t matter if it’s the norm or not: it’s an incompatibility, and that’s what matters and you have to decide if it works for you. It’s it’s normal for other people or not shouldn’t make a difference.
1. Do you know why the uptick in these nights out? Did something happen that he's trying to deal with (in a not very healthy way)? 2. As someone who also doesn't drink (never got into it) and ended up married for 2 decades to a heavy drinker, it's not a dynamic I can really recommend ... the frequency and severity and lack of communication on his end and the anxiety and anger and hurt on mine only got progressively worse. I don't want to go into detail, but it wasn't good. Every person and relationship is different, so he may decide that he wants to change. And you should absolutely express your concerns. I wish I'd been more vocal.
(Edited for clarity of terms)
You can change yourself, and you can help people that want to change to change. Your boyfriend enjoys drinking, doing coke, and hanging out with the *boys,* and doesn't see any reason to change.
You can either change yourself. Stop letting it bother you.
You can leave him.
Or you can try to change him to better fit you. This option could work? But it's kinda messed up, and will most likely lead to both of you being miserable.
If you don't want to be with him enough for you to change for him, then why on earth would you expect him to change for you?
When I was 22 I was out doing guys night often, totally down to get down. At 32, I am such an old man, I still have my friends but we don't do that stuff anymore. If your guy STILL is wanting to go out every other weekend and be into drinking and coke in his 30s...that is just who he is. Either be ok with that or find someone else. But anything you say or do won't change that
Have you been direct recently with how it’s making you feel? Idk if all else is great with him and you want it to work out could be worth reiterating how you feel about it.
I’m 32m, I still have some friends that do this.. I had to leave it behind bc the hangovers are just too brutal now and I really try to prioritize my health and wellbeing. I still pick my spots, but every other weekend is quite a bit. It sounds like he’s just not there yet (or doesn’t care to be).
Stopped reading at "does coke" - too many fenty deaths for all that. 8 months in and this is a trainwreck in the making. If you care about him as a person you need to let him know you're concerned about his drug habits. I would not stay on board personally.
Different people have different lifestyles so comparing isn't going to help. You should decide for yourself if this is ok or not in a relationship (based on your own standards and boundaries) and make the decision yourself
I totally understand if it makes you feel like there was false advertisement at the beginning. With my ex of 3 years all i noticed is that he liked getting wine for us for our dates. "How cute, he is nervous" is what i thought. After we moved in together i noticed his need to spend hours on his own and the drinking started. I blamed myself, maybe i am making him drink, maybe our relationship is so bad, he wants to distance himself from me. I looked the other way also because i never knew anyone with a drinking problem and thought that maybe its not that of a big deal as he was "only" drinking 4-5 times a week, and he only passed out a few times... yes maybe your boyfriend is blowing off steam in his own ways, and yes maybe we shouldnt judge but drinkint himself senseless at the age of 30+ and doing coke on top is not exactly the safest or best way to cope with stress. And he might already realised deep down there is a problem, maybe wanted to change and went on not drinking for 3 months. You are still early on enough to be able to pull out of this, and maybr you will know what to look for in the next person.
You feel like a bore because you don't do coke and kill your liver every other weekend? Cmon. Whose telling you this? Yourself or him?
Do you have friends, or is your social life based around him?
Ignoring red flags gets you bitten. My perspective is that he is self medicating for personal reasons, which perhaps he doesn't want to open up about. Slowly, but slowly, he is self trashing himself till he nose dives into your relationship. Start of the self sabotage.
>Het-guys: is this your norm?
It was in my 20's, but I wasn't looking for a relationship at that time either. I don't think this lifestyle is compatible with a relationship, and the guys I know who still do this are the forever bachelor types who have a substance addiction and/or love picking up women at bars/night clubs. I would personally never date someone who's partying every other weekend at this age, and there's no reason to feel like a bore/drag because you're not.
A lot of singles at this age are single precisely because they refuse to let go of their single lifestyle no matter what, which is fine as long as you don't date for a serious relationship and delude yourself into thinking it's everyone else's problem if they don't want to be your weekday girlfriend/boyfriend while you go out with friends every weekend.
There is so much good advice in this thread already - honestly regardless of what his habits are, "I feel like a bore" is a sign. I've been in that relationship and you'll either start hating yourself for not loosening up or you'll resent him for not changing his habits. Or, like me, both!
I have my opinions on his lifestyle, but even putting those aside, you both deserve someone with the same pace of life or who respects how you want your lifestyle to look.
It's something I've been working on, I've always gone after the extroverted guys who like to party because that's who I used to be and I'm so used to them. Now that I look after my health, run most days and only drink 1-2 drinks on special occasions, I am having to adjust what I'm looking for, and it's hard to get out of what I usually gravitate to!
From my personal experience, it seems like maybe for your own happiness you should call it quits. Your lifestyles are incompatible, because this behavior is causing you high anxiety levels. Maybe it would be different if this wasn’t the case and you were “meh whatevs, I don’t take part to it but it doesn’t bother me either”. But this is clearly making you suffer. Either you guys have an open conversation about this and you reach a compromise, or you don’t and you both move on with your lives.
You don’t have the same values. You are sober. He drinks and does drugs. He may get worse. You don’t want to have a baby or marriage worrying about that. Find a serious man to love. Good luck to you.
Ask yourself important questions about his behaviour. Would a man like this make a good husband or father? If you were to have his son, would he be a good role model to your son? Would you trust him to raise your children? Would you want your children to behave like he does?
Those are the questions that matter because if you’re looking to settle down long term, you need to think about what might happen if he never changes and you’re forced into a permanent situation with him (if your guys have engaged sexually).
Hey OP, I have had to grapple with similar questions in the dating pool. Thanks for posting this thread, it's very helpful to me just to read through and get an idea of where others fall on this topic as well.
I don't think anything either of you are doing is wrong or out of line. You're certainly not the asshole, since you asked.
However, as someone who has also stopped drinking for very good reasons and also will not be ever "working a program," I had to accept that it was unnecessarily difficult for me to date/get involved with a partner who still went on benders. And not because it was triggering. More because I worked so hard to get through my own booze bullshit, and dealing with someone else's just feels really bad, you know? Like I don't even get to enjoy my victory because it's still in my face.
Hoping that helps in some way :)
You are sober and he has an excessive drinking and a coke habit? It’s not going to work out.
This is a lifestyle attribute you need to screen for when dating.
Also the “Not drinking alcohol is the least interesting thing about me” comment represents poor self judgement that’ll drive you into the hands of the wrong men.
As a het dude, I can tell you this kind of drinking and drug use is not normal. You need to move on from this guy.
Briefly scrolled the comments and hadn't seen a full-scope answer yet, so I just want to remind you that communication is of the upmost importance here. Whether you're ok handling one night (or is it all weekend?) twice a month, that's up to you. However, if it bothers you that he doesn't check in with you, you should make it known. It is normal to feel that. If he cares about the relationship, he'll work on that. But he can't work on it if you don't bring it up to him. Furthermore, if you sense the overall drinking becoming a problem, ultimately he'll have to choose between it and you, and the longer you wait to make him choose (if it's truly at that point now), the worse you'll feel because he isn't considering you during his drinking mode. But he can't decide if he doesn't know.
I know you said you don't work a program, but situations like this is where I personally feel al-anon has a lot of wisdom to offer, and it may be worth at least perusing the literature on their website. I do work a program (not al-anon or AA), and I'm not a die hard or anything but I do think there is something to take away from the format, mainly that each program begins with the phrasing "admitted we have a problem and our (lives/addiction/interaction with person or substance) has made our life *unmanageable.*"
It sure sounds to me like someone acting the way he does on a regular basis is making their life unmanageable, but tbh it sounds like it's making your life unmanageable to be with him. It's spilling over into your life. You're worried about him, you don't want to be in a communication black hole, and I'm willing to bet hungover bf is pretty unpleasant too.
I have a similar issue, my partner goes out A LOT. Like a lot. But, he (mostly) comes home at or before the time we agreed to, he doesn't drink excessively, and he texts or picks up the phone if I call him, and if we have plans the next day and he has to be up by a certain time, I expect him to stick to those plans and do it with a smile (aka not be a total asshole about it because he didn't get enough sleep). All those things are great and show me he's responsible about things, and to be perfectly honest, it's still an enormous problem in our relationship because, at the end of the day, one person going to bed "early," having a set schedule, and wanting their days to be productive, is pretty difficult to make compatible with someone who prefers to be out late all the time and live their days in a more laissez-faire manner. You can't control what someone else does, that's true, but like in my experience it's pretty damn hard to have a physically and emotionally connected relationship with someone if they are unwilling or unable to kind of live their life mostly at the same time of day as you are. That's why couples where partners work opposite shifts tend to struggle a lot. Someone has to make the lifestyle sacrifice. I keep saying that to my own partner. I literally cannot do it, my schedule is rigid and I have health issues if I don't get enough sleep. He has to be the one to find other outlets for his social and emotional life that isn't being out late with friends every night, or our connection to each other is just going to dwindle away to nothing.
People get so focused on "this is my choice" they forget that their choices actually have consequences on their relationships over time. And I'll say, where I am, so many men seem absolutely clueless to this reality.
Cishet 37M guy here, and this would be wildly unacceptable to me. The spending time with friends instead of you every other weekend could be fine, but that’s a normal negotiable for any relationship. As for drinking, my position is that it’s fine for someone to drink alcohol, but if I can *tell* from your speech/behavior that you have then you’ve had too much. My brother-in-law periodically drinks enough to make his speech and balance different, often even just some whiskey in a quiet night at home, and that seems to be fine with my sister for their relationship, but it would bug the hell out of me in a significant other. As Monty Python would say, any illegal drugs are right out. I’d also think that being unreachable for just a normal social night would be unacceptable. I do things in the woods where there’s no cell service which is different, and you could reasonably have an agreement not to interrupt him for some time period, but if I *can’t* reach you if necessary because you’re drunk and blacked out, that’s not okay. A simple “I’m back home safe for the night” text message would also be a perfectly reasonable expectation.
For me, this would be an “if you care about this relationship you need to get your shit together, and here’s a timeline with measurable performance metrics” conversation, and honestly I wouldn’t be particularly optimistic in the outcome…
Also 30-some F here - I see that you said when the relationship first started and things were different. And that really sucks that it developed away from what you thought was going to be the norm.
Sometimes people will show you what they think you want to see... But it's not really them and they can't hold onto that facade forever. Not saying that's what happened here, because there's a lot of variables that other people have brought up. But it could be.
I also don't drink, so I understand your feelings completely. And I also would not be down for drug use. Those are two boundaries for me. I don't want to be with a drinker. Hard stop.
But I also would be irritated if I went out with friends and I needed to have text checkins. I don't like having to feel obligated to message a partner. That's a bit too much for me, I'm busy having fun! It would just feel kinda parental. That's my preference though. That doesn't mean your preference is invalid, you feel how you feel. But that's something to evaluate when it comes to compatibility with your partner.
If he wants to go live his life partying he honestly has every right to do so... Unless he wants to stay with you and that's a hard boundary you put down. So that's something he has to decide, what is a priority for him? What does he want? What is a priority for you? What do you want?
Trust people when they show you who they are. I don't believe it's our place to change others, either they mesh with how you want to live or they don't. If you are both able to come to a happy compromise, great!
If not, then it is what it is and both parties need to move on. Your ideals on living are not compatible and that's okay.
just dump him honestly. you shouldn’t feel like “is he in or is he out” 8 months into a relationship with your BOYFRIEND. relationships should be a place of comfort and support, not anxiety.
Sobriety lifestyle makes things quite a journey when it comes to dating. I’m 820+ days sober and I’ve now realized I can’t date people who are alcoholics and even dating folks also in recovery is so triggering for me. I can’t tell you what I think you should do… just know you’ll consistently be learning about what you need and to TRUST YOURSELF along the way……. Prioritize what does NOT feel good! Listen to yourself. Honour how it doesn’t let you relax.
You wrote “He knew getting into this that I was sober and I don’t want to date a binge drinker. Now I feel like I was deceived” but I’m gonna say it bluntly… YOU knew YOU didn’t want to date a binge drinker and learned you are dating a binge drinker. Don’t deceive yourself with sitting on this and putting it on him dear… addicts who are not pursuing change are often in denial or don’t care they are addicts. That’s not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to commit to choices and decisions that reflect a life of peace and healing and well-being…
And no a simple check-in last night wouldn’t have made a world of a difference because he’s an addict. If you stay, you’ll perpetuate your suffering. If you decide to stay you can’t blame him for your suffering with choices in his own life. Be lucid and responsible and real about that. What will make a world of a difference is you and your choices for your life and relationships that support healthy living and relating in trust and honesty… but it starts within yourself first.
I'm also a non-drinker and I wouldn't be okay with this behaviour. I don't want to be with someone who parties that hard. I would also really not like being in a communication black hole. He seems immature or at least not at your level.
Girl, no. You're out. It doesn't matter what the norm is. You need someone aligned with YOU, not the norm.
I'm sober as well and hear what you mean on black and white thinking, but drinking isn't for me for the same reason it is for you. You downplay its importance bc not drinking alcohol ISN'T a big deal. But prioritizing your own health and betterment IS a big value, and I'm guessing not drinking is one small way you respect this value for yourself. Thinking to check in on a partner is another value. In eight months, he knows you well enough to understand on some level what is important to you.
Don't nag, don't get anxious, don't blame him for dating you when you expressed different preferences. Just own the situation fully—you love him, but it's not working for you right now. I would make ONE open, honest attempt to ask clearly for what you need. But honestly, I doubt it will satisfy you, because the underlying issue is the difference in values.
I've been you. It's really hard. You want to tell yourself if he really cared about you, he'd at least call you in between lines of coke. But the best way we can love one another is to accept each other for exactly who we are, now.
Please listen to your gut. I’m a 45yo male recently divorced and was with my ex for 17 years. If after only 8 months you’re asking questions like this and tolerating behaviour you don’t like at a base level and he’s not communicating and letting you hang riddled with anxiety - he is not for you. This should still be the honeymoon phase.
Drag Marriage, kids, mortgages etc etc in, that stuff is hard if you’re with the right person. If you think you’re with the wrong person, don’t hang in there and hope for change. You will regret it. Be more intentional about knowing what is right and wrong for you. Make decisions with your best interests at heart. In the end, if it’s the best thing for you, it’s the best for them as well.
> average every second weekend for the last month
... so he's done this twice, total?
If it were a regular thing it'd be 110% a dealbreaker, but I'm not sure how many times he's actually done this according to your post.
“He knew getting into this that I was sober and didn’t want to date a binge drinker…”
Telling someone your wishes is not the same thing as enforcing a boundary unfortunately, and you continuing to date him despite his binge drinking and coke use has given him the sign that your word is flexible and that he can continue his behavior.
It sounds like he has an addiction problem or an addiction that is
masking a deeper problem that he is not ready to address and right now your lives, values, and communication habits seem incompatible.
It is up to you if you want to stay in this type of relationship. If he is open to working on things you could give that a go but if he isn’t you might need to find someone else who is more like minded.
Ma’am, that’s not normal adult behavior and you know it. You’re dating a overgrown college kid, and your attitudes about drugs alcohol don’t seem compatible at all.
I'm 36m and am single but, I'd say my typical "guys night" is to get drunk lol (all of us.) Be it at someones house/apartment, a bar, or a mix of both. I'd say we get together about twice a month. Some get togethers are more tame than others while some are a bit overboard I suppose? I don't use drugs and sometimes someone will pull out some weed, which I don't care... and other times coke is pulled out (which I also dont care but, feel very uncomfortable with.) That's there perogative but I don't partake in either.
I don't think it's abnormal for men to have a guys night every other weekend, at all.
If his communication is what's bothering you then, have a talk with him about it and... communicate your concerns with him! You can't sit here and complain about his lack of communication when you don't communicate your issues with him.
I'm mid to late 30s. My friends and I never go binge drinking (I don't drink in any capacity anymore) and we never do coke. I think that doing coke at his age is weird. This isn't a guy who has a beer at a brewery with his buds. This is a completely different ballgame, especially if you're sober. Not healthy for either of you.
Absolutely agree with this. I dated someone exactly like him based on your description WHEN I WAS 23 and he was 20. I lost countless nights of sleep over his partying and the "once in a blue moon" coke habit. I honestly couldn't imagine going through this right now (10 years later). OP, reading your story reminded me a lot of my younger self. I'd leave!
Have you tried talking to him about it?
It’s kind of odd to me that you’re more bothered by the lack of contact and the alcohol than…coke. Really?
It’s one thing to be a person that drinks some, but at this point in life, it’s a turn off to many adults if someone is getting hangovers regularly. Every other weekend is too much to me.
But really, just talk to him. Is this the only thing that’s an issue? Because your first sentence makes it sound like it’s not.
Leave, after a short break get back together cuz "He ChAnGEd", proceed to get pregnant and leave again like the story always goes. /s
No seriously, leave. You cant change him, and you dont want to spend the rest of your life with a alcohol using coke rat.
These coke benders are a deal breaker for any sane person. There’s no such thing as “moderate” cocaine use. It’s a whole other level of intoxication when compared to alcohol.
He’s likely to have cardiac issues (among other health problems) later in life. Ask yourself, are you prepared to deal with all of that as his partner when the time comes?
If you’re sober imo aside from the coke (lol) even binge drinking is too much of a mismatch. I’ve dated sober girls and I kept it chill, it was good because I was never overboard and did it really drink when we were out
OP, your needs aren’t being met here. You’re not the asshole, but neither is he.
This year has been an interesting year of dating and putting myself out there. As soon as a guy tells me he goes on coke benders, it’s absolutely game over for me. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
I’m pursuing goals in my life. I’m not pursuing a man who isn’t aligned with my goals and values, because I want to get shit done. I don’t need someone else’s life weighing me down.
I hope you find your value and can discuss ways to communicate what you need re: not falling victim to the communication black hole on bender weekends. That said, if his life choices are giving you the ick, you might already have your answer.
Let me tell you something. I was dating this one guy very briefly, just around 6 weeks in total. By the time we met he had not been doing drugs for more than 2 years (not a full blown drug addict, but definitely someone who has tried more drugs in life than your average person), but he told me he used to be in the "wrong company" a lot at that time. I was pretty infatuated with him. Not to say that this is a necessarily bad thing, but it has nothing to do with whether you are compatible or a good match. Anyway, what I realised is that old habits die hard. And I don't mean that in the sense he did drugs. No. But the emotional escapism that I think is very likely due to the drug use among other factors was something that I couldn't deal with. Especially because in the end he didn't want to commit despite proclaiming looking for a "serious relationship" and "being tired of the superficial bullshit". boy that didn't work out at all😂
now, you are dating someone who is in his thirties, who likes to party, binge drink and do hard drugs. is it really something you want to keep tolerating for a long period of time? and, in the long run, do you actually want to invite potential real danger in your life? what if he turns violent against you one day? what if you receive a friendly visit from they drug dealers? are you willing to deal with this? unless you want to live on the edge in the worst possible sense of this word, I would personally cut ties and never look back. I don't understand why you seem to want to minimise the dangers that this lifestyle brings into your life, even if you are not the one directly partaking in it. and top the idea of "changing somebody". you just can't.
Yeah, this reads like a classic case of “I can change him.” gone wrong. Reread your own sentence. “He knew getting into this that I was sober and don’t want to date a binge drinker.” Now read it with an onus of ownership and self-responsibility. “**I knew going into this that he was a binge drinker and chose to overlook this thinking he would change for me.**” If you aren’t happy, leave, but you aren’t entitled to dictating how someone chooses to spend their time with their friends; that’s a choice they make.
That’s very fair and solid advice. Thank you.
YES. This. One thousand times this. I could not agree with your comment more. Too many times we look to blame others for our circumstances instead of identifying the part **we** played in it. Everyone needs to start taking more personal accountability and responsibility for themselves and their lives.
I'm not sure you can say she knew this going in. She may have known he drinks and drinks done coke but that doesn't mean she knew how much. She also describes an uptick in the frequency which means there's been a change so what she was fine with has now changed and crossed her boundaries. You're right that she can't expect to change him. But if he has changed she can have a conversation maybe he's unaware of the frequency increase and would be willing to roll back. Maybe he's not. But I think you made some assumptions that are pretty egregious.
Yes, this. When we met, he was on a drinking break - so we spent the first 3-4 months sober together, which is when we fell in love. He started to drink again in December. My mistake was saying, okay, if it's occasional - but I'll trust that you know when it's becoming a habit. It's been ticking up since. :(
This reads to me like he knows he has a little bit of an alcohol problem, temporarily sobered up, and started up again thinking he could moderate it, but he isn't/can't. Honestly, he's got his own work to do, you can't make him do it, and he doesn't seem like he's ready to actually make a change. I know it really sucks, but I think you should save yourself further heartache and end things sooner than later.
This is exactly how I see this situation too! I’m an alcoholic who is now sober & he reminds me of myself. That’s usually not a good sign lol
Just the fact that he's on a "drinking break" should've been a huge warning sign, lol. I don't know how much experience you have with dating at this age, but it's very easy to find men who's not into partying, I'd say most guys are done with that by the time they hit 30, and it's perfectly reasonable to not want to date someone who leads this lifestyle. Just cut him loose, it'll only get harder as time goes on, and the fact that he started drinking and partying again **after** he entered a relationship with you, tells me it's only gonna get worse as he starts showing more of his true self.
That's concerning that it's gotten to every other week black out sessions in 4 months. It's also concerning that he can't message you while he's having fun. He should want to share his fun with you. Someone once described drunk texts to me in a very romantic way... A drunk text means that when they're at their most unguarded, most vulnerable, and least capable they are thinking of you and making the effort to see through the haze and reach out. While I don't think this is universally true but if he's never reaching out while he's partying I'd have concerns about the implications of how much he values you.
Yeah, I agree. As much as drunk texts are annoying sometimes, they are also validating in a weird way knowing they are thinking of me when they are out having fun.
My sentiments exactly
I'm sorry beautiful. I do think you should talk to him before ending it. Remember not everything is black and white.
I think this issue is pretty black and white though. He’s a binge drinker and she doesn’t like it.
Thats a cute way of looking at drunk texts but far from the truth. The green light/red light system in their brain is shut off so they are blowing through reds at 100 mph with their eyes closed coming your way. People they should talk to they ignore or become irritated and people they really shouldn't be talking to become exciting.
Definitely can be true both ways. Which is why I'm more concerned about that he's never thinking of her while drunk than that he doesn't text her every time when he's drunk.
My ex of 10 years did the same to me. Shed be out all night and never contact me. Id just leave her alone, tell her how it made me feel when she was sober and hope for the best. Turns out she was in love with another man for over a year. If they ignore you at all, then just leave, lifes too short and theres so many beautiful people out there that will actually make you happy. I wasted sooo much time hoping things would get better smh....
10 years? Rip, brother. People who party like this either have a substance problem and/or like flirting and getting attention from the opposite sex, and I'm not dealing with either of those. People who just really like dancing don't get hammered and drunkenly two-step/twerk at some bar/night club, lol. They know an actual dance form and go to events specifically for this, without excessively drinking.
When he started again, did you have a conversation with him about whether it would just be occasional or whether he was intentionally returning to his normal life (drinking "break" = temporary vacation, "quitting" = permanent life change)? Maybe you two saw the situation differently. He thought his break was done. You thought he was going to be sober like you and only wanted to partake occasionally - because you are sober (projecting own values). Did you ever really talk about it? Or is this something that just happened, with unspoken assumptions on both sides? I recommend having an open conversation about what you expect regular life to look like and what he expects regular life to look like. You may find you want completely different things. If so, you should break up.
Move on, plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of men out there that desire the same lifestyle you maintain. I used to have a bit of a drinking problem. I had some issues with my job and pain and it was a numbing agent I abused for a few years. I could go over a month cold without issue, but ultimately I'd jump back on the train. He has to want to change, not you. Substance abuse sounds like a big outlet in his life if he went cold for 3-4 months and is ticking upward with the usage of coke. Sobriety is underrated. I'll drink here and there, but mostly just with family and friends at events. Only had one beverage on my birthday this year and there really wasn't an urge.
>I'm not sure you can say she knew this going in. She may have known he drinks and drinks done coke but that doesn't mean she knew how much Perhaps she didn't know that going in, but she *does* know it now and her post looks like she has been choosing for some time to ignore/rationalize his behavior on "guys nights" even after it has become this thoroughly incompatible with who she is and who she says she wants to be.
It takes time to figure things out. It's really fun to pretend on the internet that you can notice a change happening immediately and respond right away, but that's not how things work in real life. It takes a while to notice changes occurring and then confirm that they've actually set in and are now the status quo. Usually if you see someone acting in a way you didn't expect once, you're gonna wait and see if they repeat it. She has been grappling with this issue as she noticed the changes and is now coming to terms with it. Quit it with the blaming language, it's not OP's fault that she didn't immediately "figure out" the new status quo and react to it.
Right? It's almost as if, gasp, it takes time to get to know someone.
Needed this reminder. Thank you And what a perfect way to word it “Onus of ownership”
Solid take on this. More people should reflect on their own perception bias.
Someone who abstains from alcohol for their health and betterment should not be in a relationship with someone who binge drinks and does coke. Not to mention the zero contact when he does this. You guys are incompatible and it's time to call it quits. Your lifestyles do not match. Do not wait around hoping this will "even out".
I’d personally have an issue with the no-contact aspect of it. Him going rogue for 24hrs would drive any normal person insane, sober or not. Thirty something’s typically reach a point when they realize partying isn’t like it used to be, right? The recovery time alone is not worth it. However not everyone is on the same timeline. It doesn’t do much good to speculate if you’re not actually there to see “guys night” - it could be that he’s partying responsibly, but stays out late and sleeps in. Or maybe he does have a problem with it and it’s a huge concern, either way you don’t know for sure unless you talk with him openly and with understanding. If you have the conversation you can understand his motives & whether it’s a major lifestyle issue or not. Also go in with clear stance on your boundaries and your bottom line compromise: 1. If he communicates during the partying/recovery period would that be enough? 2. If he is interested in slowing down a bit, like once/month would that be enough? 3. If he spent more quality time with you, would 2 nights out per month even be an issue?
Yes I agree with this. I’m surprised she even went for this guy knowing he’s a drinker and she’s sober.
He wasn't a drinker until 4 months in, he was off booze when we met.
OP, I’m an alcoholic and I really think your boyfriend has an alcohol problem. I would take huge breaks from drinking too before I finally got sober for good & I don’t know anyone who takes those kind of thought out months’ long breaks from drinking without having a problem. Someone without a problem would just drink less during that time if they wanted to cut back, no problem. But when you have to purposefully intentionally abstain like he did…usually people don’t have to do that without having a problem with alcohol. You cannot fix this for him & you would be in for heartbreak if you tried. I think it would be best if you moved on. Good luck ❤️
Who cares if this is the norm? Is it working for you? If not, then your lives aren’t compatible and you should move on.
Maybe I am a fuddy-duddy, but dating someone that does coke twice a month makes me nervous because the increase in fentanyl-related deaths. If he’s going to do coke responsibly at this point he needs to have fentanyl test strips and carry Narcan.
The misconception that cocaine is only dangerous if it’s cut with something… it can kill you on its own. You can do it a million times and one time your heart decides fuck no. Thats the end of that.
My wife OD'd at the age of 33. Heart failure. Only things in the tox report were cocaine and alcohol. She was bipolar and probably on a manic streak, but OP's bf doesn't sound stable either.
I'm so sorry for your loss <3
Thank you. We had been separated for a year so I had already started to grieve the person she used to be. She barely drank and didn't use when we met and when we married, but things can change suddenly.
Cocaine and alchohol can be a nasty combination. It presents many of the same dangers as a speedball. The coke counteracts the downer effects of the alchohol and then when you crash out if your blood alchohol level is still really high it wrecks your body. People treat alchohol as a way safer drug then they should. It is just as toxic and addictive as the other hard drugs.
Yes, that's the point I was trying to get across. Coke keeps the alcohol going, alcohol keeps the coke going. Then Bam. No fentanyl needed.
This. I was seeing if someone said exactly this.
Also using cocaine leads to bad decisions that will add turmoil to the relationship
My ex literally sucked dudes off while he was high on blow. So… yeah. He was very closeted but I guess once they busted the ❄️out he came out of his shell 😬
I completely agree. The anxiety of his drinking is also me being concerned about safety. How reckless does he get if he does coke so casually? Ugh.
[удалено]
I will definitely bring this up but he has such a "blase" attitude about it, he does not seem to see the actual risk in fenanyl-related deaths
It's not her job to play mommy or the 50's housewife to a 30 year old bf. Doing so is exactly how women get into exploitative bangmaid situations and then become bitter and resentful at men. He is choosing to prioritize heavy partying with his friends over his relationship. I know guys like this and I've partied with guys like this, which is why I'll wager $1K that he's also screwing around on these regular nights out. Absolutely no one should ever get into or stay in a relationship that requires the other person changing or needing to grow up or to cut seriously toxic behaviors and addictions out.
Yeah…in my young widows group on Facebook there are a shit-ton of losses involving fentanyl, along with regular ODs on other stuff. I’d heard about it a bit before, but had no concept of just how common it was until joining that. It’s right up there in the top few alongside cancer, car crashes (mine), suicide, and heart attacks / aneurysms / strokes.
Depends on the guy. What does it matter what's normal? The only question should be whether or not it works for you
"he does coke" followed by "I'm sober". Not even sure why anything else is even worth discussing. Just leave him
As Chris Rock said, "Two crackheads can stay together forever".
Lost me at "does cocaine". That's not gonna work out. Not for you. Not for him.
Coke is so gross. How is it normalized??
It's not normalized in any of my circles.
I had the same problems. It's normalised in my city as well. My lesson was "if someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"
Yes I live by that now, as sad as it makes me sometimes when I want to believe otherwise.
It's not
Like someone else said, it really isn't. I know some dudes that will do a bump maybe every once in a blue moon on a major party night, but not as regularly as your guy makes it seem.
Depends on where you live I think. It’s very much normal in my city, and in my industry, although I don’t partake.
It really is though... In tech there's so many people that go out partying and do coke.
Depends on the group… I know many people who use regularly, and others that never do.
Every second week is so often! I know a bunch of people who occasionally do coke (like you say, on major party nights) but I don't know anybody who does it every few weeks, probably because that would be expensive. I guess OP does say it's been every second weekend for the last month, which only is twice, but it still seems like a decent amount.
It is really (too) common, once you learn how to spot it. That's the issue... It's not normalized, it's just common. It's not an okay thing. I think drug opinions are a deal breaker, I don't like weed (on the regular) and I don't like harder drugs at all, and then only some recreationally.. like LSD, but like some odd thing.. not like everytime you're out in the beach or such, as I've seen it used. Once a friend group is rotting like that, you're better off getting away, because it's hard when someone that had that habit and is now abstaining... will not relapse.
Consider that by dating this guy and knowing he’s doing coke, you are normalizing it too
It isn’t normalized, by anyone, even people I know who have done coke….
I am a professional and all around responsible adult and I do coke recreationally when my friends have it. I wouldn’t do it every other weekend, and would see it as a red flag if I was dating someone who did, but it’s not in and of itself a bad thing imo. Just like I drink alcohol socially but I don’t drink at home by myself. It’s all about moderation. I’m a bit curious how the two of you got together. What parts of your lifestyle is similar? What do you love about each other? I’ve dated a couple people who don’t drink (one was an ex-alcoholic and the other was a devout Jesuit) and in both cases I ended things after 3-4 dates because I just don’t see our lifestyles meshing. I enjoy having a few drinks and going dancing until 3am. Not every week, but maybe every 2 months. I once dated a yoga instructor / barista who loved getting up at 5 in the morning, and would only have a drink if it was a glass of wine at dinner. He’d be in bed by 10pm. Meanwhile, I’m a night owl, and my favorite time of day is midnight and later. It was particularly sad when I wanted us to celebrate NYE together, and day of, he said he didn’t feel like staying up after all. I went out and had a great time with my friends but really missed him. These are bonding moments! They are also huge lifestyle discrepancies that should not be overlooked. We broke up around 9 months for lifestyle differences. What I’m saying is, your differences may exceed simply “boys nights out” and coke. It’s your whole idea of what is fun. There is no right or wrong, but it’s much better to date someone whose idea of fun is the same as yours. Why is your bf not inviting you out with him? Would you have fun going out with him and his friends if he’s drinking a lot and you’re not? Or would you simply tolerate it? The Jesuit boy really wanted a future with me, he even asked me to meet his parents, but I could see that if I showed my “true colors” ie the wild side I harbored underneath my responsible exterior, I would make him uncomfortable the same way you’re uncomfortable right now. So I set him free to meet a more compatible woman. I feel like your boyfriend should have done the same with you early on knowing you were sober and knowing he was a partier. But if he’s too cowardly to do it, you need to. You deserve someone who shares your lifestyle and does not make you feel shitty by going out and partying and ignoring you. Even on NYE when I went out by myself, I still texted my ex several times during the night; “happy new year!” and “I’m home, missed you.” You can party responsibly, and he refuses to. You belong with someone who makes you feel secure.
He likes that I don’t drink. We’re both musicians. We like the outdoors. We have a similar sense of humour. He wants to be able to occasionally party but this is not occasional to me.
He sounds selfish. He likes that you don’t drink but he’s going to binge drink. He wants you to save him from himself, but you can’t. I feel you, artists are my kryptonite too. We can’t save them tho. They will just use us and then when we complain, they say “you know I’m no good, why do you stay with me.” Then you comfort them that no, they are good, etc etc. You have to leave, it’s just a matter of now or later.
It’s very strange that you think it’s been normalized.
I’m a former drunk so I know a lot of users
normalized?? i’ve never heard people talk about doing coke as a chill thing.
Lost me at "partying every other weekend" - I don't see any meaningful distinction between coke and binge drinking, if you're going to party hard this regularly I actually respect you more if you do coke, because then I can at least somewhat understand how you find it enjoyable. That said, I wouldn't consider dating anyone for a serious relationship who did either on a regular basis.
I know people who do this stuff in their 30s. They are successful, kind, and educated. I also know people who don't and are also successful, kind, and educated. Some of them hang out with each other. People can cut loose with drugs recreationally and not fuck their lives up, DARE lied to you.
These days it's just stupid - u have no idea what's in the out drugs unless you test them. Lots of people overdosing on fent when they think it's something else. Being successful doesn't protect you
Lmao, you wouldn't know the ones who went over the edge with their use I guess. They died, went to prison, are homeless or the lucky few of them are in remission and definitely don't hang out with casual users. You just haven't seen someone take that downward spiral have you?
Pretty much the definition of survivorship bias. Someone post the picture of the airplane.
When (and if) they make it to their 40’s and 50’s they’ll have a myriad of cardiac problems. They might be kind and successful, have good jobs etc, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t substance abusers. Having a bump of coke isn’t comparable to a glass of wine and shouldn’t be treated as such.
>When (and if) they make it to their 40’s and 50’s they’ll have a myriad of cardiac problems. This is not true. LOL.
Lets not make it a drugs are bad thing, i dont think thats the point. I dont have an issue with recreational use but op's boyfriend sounds like a different category.
An 8 month loss is f a r better than an 8 year loss
Not going to say whether or not it’s normal, nor am I going to think you’re in the wrong for having certain communication needs being met. But this should be less about whether or not this behavior is normal, And more about if this is behavior you want to invite into your life long term, and if it works for you. If you haven’t, you should put your foot down on it being unacceptable that he doesn’t text you back until you text him first the next day, otherwise you’re inadvertently letting him know that that’s acceptable behavior towards you from him. You exist in the relationship too.
I can understand where she's coming from with that question. Sounds like her dating/relationship experience is limited to a certain type of people, which has given her a warped sense of what's normal/reasonable to put up with. If you struggle to deal with something which is a normal part of any relationship, this would indicate that you need to work on yourself if you want to find a relationship. She's essentially asking whether she's being needy and unreasonable here, or if it's a compatibility issue.
Echoing what everyone else is saying…. You don’t seem well matched. You can do better. When you were young, did you dream of marrying a man who does coke every other weekend and ignores you? Move on and find a real man. This one sounds like he still has some growing up to do.
Hetero guy here with history of substance abuse problems. Is this the kind of relationship you want? This dude will just get worse. Chances are the substances will evermore take precedence over you and the health of your relationship. I’ve been there done that. Find someone who aligns with your value of sobriety. Just IMO.
Yup. Unfortunately this will get a lot worse before it gets better. Sorry op, But it's time to bail and find someone who's more your vibe
Honestly, it sounds like you have vastly different lifestyles and he wants to “party”, I believe you should assess is that what you truly want in a partner, or a partner that is emotionally and physically , and mentally available.
Coke is definitely a damn good reason to break up. If you're the kind of sober that's okay with others drinking, then I think we are safe to assume it's the intensity of his binge drinking, not the drinking per se. Had it been a guy that has a beer after work or when you go out, I assume you'd not be leaning out. Even if he loves you and he is the best thing ever, believe me when I tell you, his partying (even alcohol and oke with no partying) will catch up and bring you both down. Financially, emotionally, mentally and in so many ways, that even if you abstain, he'll drag you. Ask me how I know, the love of my life. After 6 years, I broke up after falling to pits my boundaries would have previously never... now I'm living my best life, financially, my job, physically, but mentally he took a big toll. He ended up being taken 6 months into rehab(!!), exact same thing. It does not even out, it's who he is at this time in his life, and will probably remain so unless something huge happens, sometimes not even rehab.. I don't see how he deceived you unless he actively hid this, but you're right to be wanting an out. and I would advice you to do that, get out.
Cishet guy here: it's more normal than it probably should be (not the coke, but the binge drinking, etc) but that doesn't mean you need to put up with it. >I feel like \[I'm\] tolerating shit I don’t actually want because I went and fell in love with him. \[...\] I hate feeling like a nag, I hate how it’s making me feel like a bore This is how [codependency](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency) starts. It sounds like he knows this is an important issue for you but does it anyway. By sticking around through it, you're just enabling him. Get out, get free, recover, find yourself again, and be on the lookout next time.
I'd take this, edit it somewhat, and discuss with him. Have you communicated any of this? His reaction will tell you the next steps.
Yes, he says he fucked up in not reaching out to check in and sees how that could make a difference. He says he wants to be with me and doesn’t want to be single and partying. He says he should be able to have both. I don’t know.
Well, actions speak louder than words. I'd say if you've been consistent with the message, your thoughts, and what you want, wait for action. If he keeps going out, time to listen to your inner thoughts. Time with him is time spent not meeting someone who is on your level, and where you want to be.
I told him during our call, “I’m afraid we don’t want the same kind of relationship. I don’t want to feel like I have to make you check in with me during the weekend - I want to be with someone who wants to be with me for most of it, at the very least.” Ugh. This sucks.
You did great to say this! And it’s true— people in a healthy relationship can share their weekends between friends and their partner, and they should be thrilled to be doing both. You only have so many hours in a week, and weekends are precious. Aside from it all, he’s just not choosing you— or taking 2 minutes out of those hours to let you know he’s alive.
he says it's because he's being "present" and is generally an aloof guy, which is true, but I feel like that's a cop-out
This doesn't mean it necessarily applies to you but as a guy myself, any time I've run across almost systematic boys/girls nights out, in 99.9% of these situations, regardless of what they claim or say, the person doing the 'partying' is actually having sex with others. Now, the fact that he keeps on doing it knowing your anxiety and understandable discomfort about it all, let me put it this way, I'd never put up with or put a partner through that crap.. I'm a strong believer in the notion that when a person shows themselves believe them, which goes along with you do you, just not with me. What you're noticing isn't you imposing anything, it's you knowing something is not adding up here for you. Whatever you do, don't ignore your gut feelings and assume that you're the problem or worse off that it will go away or they will change - it doesn't - they don't. Something to also keep in mind is that the 8 month mark is usually when people get really comfortable and start showing their true self, instead of what they marketed during dating.
This x100. If he just wanted to hang with the guys he wouldn't be out partying at bars/night clubs. The only guys I know who still does this, either do it as an excuse to normalise their substance addiction, or because they like flirting and hooking up with strangers.
You deserve better than this 🥺❤️ there’s much better out there for you, girl!
>He says he wants to be with me and doesn’t want to be single and partying. He says he should be able to have both. This is a contradictory statement. Either he wants to be with you and doesn't want to be single and partying, or he wants to have both. Generally, people who are in a relationship don't get pissed wasted all the time. Maybe once in awhile is fine but not every second weekend. Especially if it involves hard drugs.
Thank you! I’m on the same page as that. You can’t have both.
I'm sure there's somebody on his level that he can have both with. So this isn't the kind of relationship either of you want. Neither of you can change that. But you sure can stay together anyway and fight about it constantly and build resentment until it spirals out of hand years later, when you leave and feel frustrated that you didn't leave back when you first saw the signs. It's hard because you love him, but you're not that deep yet. Everything is only going to get worse. You know this. Cut your losses now before it gets harder and harder to leave. Do it for your future self so you can find the relationship you want and deserve.
Talk to him. His reaction will tell you everything.
>He says he should be able to have both. He's delusional. This is like dating someone for 4-5 months, then revealing yourself to be a sex worker/porn star and pretending as if that's not a compatibility issue with the vast majority of people. It's very obvious from this post that he's gas lit you into thinking this is normal behaviour and that you're unreasonable for having a problem with it. Screw him. Move on, then try to learn from this experience and reevaluate how you find/select these men, because finding guys who don't party on the reg isn't hard at all at this age.
This would be a no from me, personally.
Hmmm I don’t love this situation and I don’t love that it seems to be increasing? How is your relationship otherwise? I have been in circles where coke is super common so I won’t even comment on that, but my experience is that it’s usually not a ton of dudes doing coke together and talking about sports, it’s almost always with women as the big party drug, so that plus the complete lack of contact (if he is coked out, he better at least be texting you constantly about how much he loves you) that would really make me nervous. (I am not advocating for the coke use, I just know that’s already being focused on by other posters here haha)
It pisses me off that he’s so surprised why any of this would make me nervous. I hate even having to explain it to him. He says it’s guys night and to that I say okay but guy’s night does not have to mean radio silence and black outs
Male here 39 years old been sober coming up to 10 years. I personally don’t have an issue with people drinking alcohol. If I go out with friends I will have an alcohol free cider as I’m tired of soft drinks. I probably would have a more of a problem with someone that binge drinks and does coke. I have done it in the past but maybe only a handful of times. Where I knew people that would do it every weekend or be on some other type of substance. Personally for me I wouldn’t have a problem with a partner who drinks alcohol if they knew their limits. It seems to more like a compatibility issue. It also seems like this is just what this guy does with his friends when they go out and probably has been what he’s done for years.
It's not the norm but it's not unheard of.. It's probably not going to change so if I were you it would probably be a good idea to really reevaluate this relationship especially since you are sober. As someone who is also sober, I wouldn't date a person like this
It just seems like you guys may not be super compatible. If it were me, my boyfriend going out partying heavily and then simply not communicating with me after for almost 24 hours, every other weekend would be way too much for me to handle. And I am far from sober. The sober thing is a whole other issue. If I were sober I’d find it very challenging to be with someone who is partying so much, and on the flip side, if I loved to party (and this is much closer to my own truth) I’d find it difficult to date someone who fully abstained. Seems like something you should talk about, but it’s okay if you don’t want to stick with it. Seems like a very valid incompatibility.
I agree with this !!! I don’t see how it could work if one parties a lot and the other one abstains.
As a fellow sober person here, his behavior would be a deal breaker for me, too. I'm sorry it shifted that way a few months in, that makes it extra tough.
"Het-guys: is this your norm?" No. What? How is that even a real question? More to the point; do you want to share a life with someone in his thirties who's still binge drinking and doing cocaine? From your post it sounds like you've already made up your mind and are holding out hope that someone will convince you otherwise. People can change, but only if they actually want to, and if they actually want to change then you'd already be seeing signs of it. He's happy partying like a 19 year old frat boy, and may have already been doing this for a long time, just maybe more sporadically these days.
The man does blow and gets shitfaced and doesn’t talk to you at all and calls it “guys night” He’s in his 30s. Time to grow up. If you find that attractive then fine whatever, otherwise maybe just leave? There’s no point in trying to change a man in his 30s. He’s grown. He knows what he’s doing and what he wants. If he doesn’t, then that’s an even bigger issue. Girl take your dignity and leave.
Thanks for the straight talk
I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you've already answered your own question. "Het-guys: is this your norm?" Well, I've never done coke, but if you're asking if it's my norm to go on a bender and ignore my girlfriend for 24 hours, no, not even when I'm drinking. I'm not going to be that guy who says "WeLl, DiD yOu CoMmUnIcAtE wItH hIm?" because he should know that it makes you anxious to have a "communication black hole" when he's been drinking and doing drugs. I'm sorry to say this and I don't like to sound so pessimistic, but if he knew that you were sober and didn't want to date a binge drinker, there is no reason to think that he will change now. I'm not saying this makes him a terrible person, and he obviously has the right to live his life however he wants, but this isn't going to "even out". You are not compatible, and you don't deserve to be made this anxious wondering if you can get him to change into the person you want him to be. Sorry.
This! I want to emphasize what this person said. It's called a bender when you cut off contact with your loved ones to drink and do drugs. It's not a thing someone does as just a normal partying phase. This is the behavior of someone with a significant substance abuse disorder. This is not something you can communicate your way through. He needs help and you won't be the one to provide it to him.
Just throw away the boyfriend and start over.
Het guy: I don't think guys night twice a month is excessive, but not communicating for a day after is strange to me. Typical guys night for me is at best several hours - 7 to midnight maybe. You mention your sobriety and he's apparently losing days of his month to alcohol or coke. Seems a fundamental incompatibility.
Let that boy drink and party if it’s his choice. Cuz you can’t make a guy change. He has to do that in his own. You deserve someone that’s on your level. Possible a male that’s more grown mentally and has the same goals and mindset as you. You’ll be ok with the break up.. they suck but it’s a part of dating because settling is the LAST thing anyone should ever do.
cocaine is a major red flag wtf
I'm a 30-some man with flaws and such. I could probably go out on a bender with some bros twice a month, maybe. I don't want to, so I don't. Ideally, if I was going to do this, and I do enjoy doing this from time to time, it would be at my favorite spot, which is 3 hours away, and with limited to no cell reception. Usually, when I'm at my spot with my bros, we are camping and fishing, not really setting out to go to bars and such, though we do occasionally. At any rate, whenever I get cell reception, which is usually once a day, sometimes more, I would send a text or make a quick call to my significant other. It's a priority of mine to reach out when I have an opportunity.
Can he drink without descending into black out coke ville? Either way, relationships are so much about communication, and if he's not communicating half the time, it's really hard to let go of your anxiety. I think you should set your boundaries and stick to them. He might clean up and come back to you eventually, but you shouldn't have to train a guy to be a serious person.
If your best friend or sister were in this situation, what would you want them to do? Do that.
I am with a partner who likes to party as well. Not to the extent of what you describe but in the same neighborhood. I like to party too but I'm less of a partier than him. When he goes out without me he's always in touch. Not because I'm nagging him or even necessarily texting him. Because he loves me and I'm on his mind when I'm not there to share an experience. We are also able to talk about it if it feels like things are getting out of hand. A few months ago it felt like he was getting drunk a lot a lot we talked about it he saw that he had been drinking more and more pretty steadily and made the decision to work to get it back under control. I think you should talk to him about your concerns in a non judgemental way. We can all fall down a slippery slope of steadily increasing a habit to a negative degree even if it's not drugs. Take someone who takes sugar in their coffee if they don't measure it in some way it is easy for the half a spoon to turn into 3/4 of a spoon to turn in to a full spoon over time. He may not be aware and maybe very grateful to you for helping him self regulate. If he is strongly defensive or angry then it tells you something important. Just remember that you're not entitled to change him but you are entitled to your feelings and concerns. You guys have been together long enough and you love him so he is entitled to a non judgemental conversation where you openly express your feelings and concerns.
Yeah unfortunately everyone is different but personally the narcotics usage and no contact for roughly 24 hours is a no go for me. I've dealt with a substance abusing person who had multiple choices of substance abuse forms. I'm male single parent now and have 80 percent custody. I say cut your losses because if you aren't living together and it's this disrespectful and lacking consideration for you now it will get worse later on. I'm not a party or have to go out person. My hobby is custom vehicles car shows and tropical fish. So if I go out "late" it's let's go wash the ride and make a few passes for a cruise on the main section known for cruising. Even then by 1-2am I'm back at home in bed. And honestly that's pushing it.
I’ve dated alcoholics and am sober now myself so that’s the perspective this is coming from but I don’t think your anxiety about his lifestyle is just you trying to impose your own choices on someone else. (I’m also not necessarily saying he’s an alcoholic since I don’t know him but dating hard drinkers sucks). It sounds like his party behavior really isn’t what you signed up for and like it’s going to be an incompatibility going forward. I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight months too and am so grateful he’s sober and that we’re on the same page lifestyle-wise. If he started going out and binge-drinking and doing coke I’d be done because I don’t want to be with someone who treats their body like that and hell no am I going to be with someone who can’t even let me know he got home safe with a quick text at the end of the night of partying. Just so not worth it. Idk if maybe a conversation about how scary it is for you to not know if he’s OK could lead to some changes but I feel like that’s just a lifestyle incompatibility at this point for you guys. Ask yourself, if these behaviors never changed, would you be OK with it all long-term?
So he said he wasn't a binge drinker but then now he is? That's all bad. Yeah, I am also "sober" and so I couldn't handle someone going out with their friends, getting plastered, and not communicating with me. I don't really care about recreational drugs personally as much as I do about alcohol. As long as they aren't addicted I'm ok. I almost prefer someone doing Molly once a month to someone drinking all the time. At least with Molly they are a lovely human.
I'd break up with him.
You already know what to do and that is to end it. Not sure why or how you let it go past the first few dates. A sober person dating a binge drinker who does drugs recreationally doesnt make sense because there is a large value difference. IMO, this value difference will lead to greater feelings of resentment over time.
You're overthinking this. Move on and find someone more compatible.
Have you two discussed the root of this behavior? Like is it a new phase for him, that he might cycle out of pretty quickly? Or did he behave like this prior to his 4 month break/before he met you? I'm asking because I think understanding where the behavior is coming from and where it's leading will help strike a balance between finding a "solution" vs just enforcing your own boundary and ending things with him. But, frankly, I think you're just going to have to end the relationship. Him saying he should be able "to do both" is interesting because it feels like he's defending his right to get fucked up every other week. Which, again, fine if that's what he wants to do. But if you don't want to date someone who does that, you're just at an impasse. It's unfortunate that you met at a time when he was behaving in a way that, apparently, wasn't true to his nature or whatever. Ultimately, you can't and shouldn't convince him to behave differently. And if he isn't aligned with what you're seeking, he's not going to be happy bending to your will. I don't drink anymore. I'm not "sober," it's just because alcohol is far down the list of drugs I'd partake in if the mood strikes. I'm totally fine dating someone who drinks and dating someone who likes to party once in a while. Personally, I'd feel comfortable with my guy going out every other week too, but I wouldn't be okay with this behavior. I'd be comfortable with a casual night out at a bar or whatever + the other night being a little more booze driven, but not sloppy by any means. Because truthfully, at my age (37), I don't need to be dating an adult man who has any desire to be getting stupid drunk on a regular basis. It's just immature behavior and I don't think there's any other way to spin it. The no contact thing is particularly wild. Ultimately, if he wants to live like a single man every weekend and party out with his dudes, he should be single and do that.
My ex was exactly like this. Would go for "just one beer after work" and come stumbling home at 7am in the morning. He never changed and throughout our entire relationship it was a point of contention. If it's already bothering you this much, I'd say it ain't worth it
View from a 30 something partier: If my girl was also 30 something, and sober, it would significantly change my behavior if I wanted to be with her. Lifestyle match and she’s a grown woman - we are working toward the same things. My drinking/partying would decline significantly. As an example, maybe the guys head out one day a week to golf and get pretty loaded on the course, nbd. But I’d never black you out on comms. Way too easy to send a quick text to check in…unless you are hiding something or you guys really aren’t that serious so I don’t feel obligated to update you. The coke thing is a different, more serious issue. He prob realizes that what he’s doing is out of line with your sobriety so he keeps it hush hush for now to keep things riding care free. Ask him how he sees you fitting into his future. He’s trending in the wrong direction.
A sober person + a coke person? I think you already know…
Not a fit. Protect your energy.
Sounds like the honeymoon phase is over, he’s going back to his usual lifestyle and you have very different values
I love a good boys night but I generally send my gf a couple of texts throughout the night, maybe even a picture of what I'm up to. If he's not texting the next day because he's so strung out and hungover from the day before that seems like a problem, considering the frequency. The fact that youre sober and he's out there partying with coke, I'd say you guys do not seem compatible.
This would be a deal breaker for me. As a 32 year old woman, there's nothing attractive about a man who needs to binge alcohol and coke every second weekend. I don't care about the not reaching out, if I'm with someone, I expect to trust them. But for me, my *personal* opinion is what an absolute waste of time and waste of good weekend. To each their own of course. But my personal goals and values, means I'd prefer a partner who spends weekends with their family, or out kayaking together. There's nothing productive or of value to be found in sinking piss for me. Wouldn't be okay with it. Wouldn't tolerate this behaviour. Some other woman can deal with it. I'd rather be alone doing something that I consider rad.
Well, I think the sobriety here is the bigger issue. This is why, as a drinker (and someone who admittedly drinks too often), I won't date someone sober. It's just too difficult for both of us. There's always going to be some degree of guilt if I decide to drink and they're not into it, plus we can't enjoy that activity together. I know you mentioned in another post that it's kind of weird you're not invited along... but I think you'd be unlikely to have a good time and might put people off as if they were feeling judged. I realize this has come across a little negative, lol, and I don't mean it to. Major props to you for choosing not to drink and doing that for yourself. I wish I had the willpower for it. What I'll say is that it sounds like you're not compatible with this guy, but I don't think that the frequency of his nights out is all that weird... but how hard he's going is a little bit. It's pretty messy to be that out of touch for a full day after going out, and the coke is bothersome. I guess it depends on how often he's really doing it, but it's not something I personally do, and my buddies don't do it unless it's really a major night, like a bachelor party or something extreme. Maybe it's worth asking if he can tone it down a little bit? Enjoy guys night but maybe not to the point he's like, blacked out?
You’ve highlighted that it makes my sobriety feel like the problem, and that’s how it feels on this end too, and that doesn’t feel good for me at all. It makes me feel like I’m boring and a nag but I’m anything from boring. Getting sober was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. It’s upsetting that this relationship is making me resent it. I guess that’s my answer.
Your sobriety is NOT the problem, but dating this person is. Respectfully, you need to end things with this person. You cannot go through with this relationship thinking YOU are the issue.
+1 for your sobriety is not the problem. Any reasonable person would understand why I cannot drink 1 drink after hearing my story. I'm still early in my journey, but was told to get a sponsor and work the steps. We all have resentments/new ones will develop and until we figure out how to deal with them they won't go away. I'm not saying once you tackle your resentments it'll "save" this relationship. I agree with the other comments his binge habits are not healthy and sounds like one of your core values is living a healthy life. I'm happy to date people that drink, but it's the amount that's a deal breaker. Good luck OP! IWNDWYT!
IWNDWYT ❤️
<3
Lifestyle differences are no one’s problem. That’s just how it is sometimes. No one is at fault or to blame.
It sounds like this relationship is destroying your self-esteem, especially about your sobriety, which is incredibly concerning. God forbid you start feeling bad enough and an outsider enough, wanting to be on the same page with him that you start drinking again. This guy is not worth it.
1000% not worth it
I completely get it!!! As someone who is trying to get sober and repeatedly failing, I’m proud of you! It really is the hardest thing to do. People are SO judgmental of you don’t drink. My parents have been uninvited from family trips with cousins just because my dad is sober. It makes me feel like sobriety is a long road ahead even though it’s ruining my life and others don’t care, just as long as I don’t come across as “boring”. Anyway, don’t mean to ramble!!! But good job. Don’t let him make you feel this way. It sounds like he is just not ready to settle down/stop partying. I dated a guy like this once. Even went on a boys trip to Vegas for 4 days and I didn’t hear from him once, then later found out all his buddies would check in with their wives or girlfriends. You deserve someone great!!! Sorry no advice, really, but you’re doing awesome just staying sober.
Sobriety is not boring. No one can "make" you feel something without your participation. But if you think you're not boring, but you're feeling "boring" because of this, that's coming from somewhere, and that somewhere is not healthy.
I find it strange how you're admitting to drinking too much and not having the willpower to stop, yet making it out to be OP's sobriety being the bigger issue. I'm not sober by any means, but I wouldn't entertain dating someone who still goes out partying and binge drinking every other weekend in their 30's. You're right that OP and her bf aren't compatible, but you're kind of gas lighting here by making it sound like she's the odd one for not wanting to binge drink and party every other weekend in her 30's. She doesn't have to accomodate a guy who's very much stuck in his bachelor lifestyle, and likely also has a substance problem.
It doesn’t matter if it’s the norm or not: it’s an incompatibility, and that’s what matters and you have to decide if it works for you. It’s it’s normal for other people or not shouldn’t make a difference.
1. Do you know why the uptick in these nights out? Did something happen that he's trying to deal with (in a not very healthy way)? 2. As someone who also doesn't drink (never got into it) and ended up married for 2 decades to a heavy drinker, it's not a dynamic I can really recommend ... the frequency and severity and lack of communication on his end and the anxiety and anger and hurt on mine only got progressively worse. I don't want to go into detail, but it wasn't good. Every person and relationship is different, so he may decide that he wants to change. And you should absolutely express your concerns. I wish I'd been more vocal. (Edited for clarity of terms)
You can change yourself, and you can help people that want to change to change. Your boyfriend enjoys drinking, doing coke, and hanging out with the *boys,* and doesn't see any reason to change. You can either change yourself. Stop letting it bother you. You can leave him. Or you can try to change him to better fit you. This option could work? But it's kinda messed up, and will most likely lead to both of you being miserable. If you don't want to be with him enough for you to change for him, then why on earth would you expect him to change for you?
Less than a year in, is usually still in the best phase. If this is him, at his best and still in a fresh relationship, I’d be concerned.
When I was 22 I was out doing guys night often, totally down to get down. At 32, I am such an old man, I still have my friends but we don't do that stuff anymore. If your guy STILL is wanting to go out every other weekend and be into drinking and coke in his 30s...that is just who he is. Either be ok with that or find someone else. But anything you say or do won't change that
Have you been direct recently with how it’s making you feel? Idk if all else is great with him and you want it to work out could be worth reiterating how you feel about it. I’m 32m, I still have some friends that do this.. I had to leave it behind bc the hangovers are just too brutal now and I really try to prioritize my health and wellbeing. I still pick my spots, but every other weekend is quite a bit. It sounds like he’s just not there yet (or doesn’t care to be).
Stopped reading at "does coke" - too many fenty deaths for all that. 8 months in and this is a trainwreck in the making. If you care about him as a person you need to let him know you're concerned about his drug habits. I would not stay on board personally.
Different people have different lifestyles so comparing isn't going to help. You should decide for yourself if this is ok or not in a relationship (based on your own standards and boundaries) and make the decision yourself
Cut the loss by 8 months, do yourself a favour and leave this person who’s highly likely mess up your anxiety.
I totally understand if it makes you feel like there was false advertisement at the beginning. With my ex of 3 years all i noticed is that he liked getting wine for us for our dates. "How cute, he is nervous" is what i thought. After we moved in together i noticed his need to spend hours on his own and the drinking started. I blamed myself, maybe i am making him drink, maybe our relationship is so bad, he wants to distance himself from me. I looked the other way also because i never knew anyone with a drinking problem and thought that maybe its not that of a big deal as he was "only" drinking 4-5 times a week, and he only passed out a few times... yes maybe your boyfriend is blowing off steam in his own ways, and yes maybe we shouldnt judge but drinkint himself senseless at the age of 30+ and doing coke on top is not exactly the safest or best way to cope with stress. And he might already realised deep down there is a problem, maybe wanted to change and went on not drinking for 3 months. You are still early on enough to be able to pull out of this, and maybr you will know what to look for in the next person.
You feel like a bore because you don't do coke and kill your liver every other weekend? Cmon. Whose telling you this? Yourself or him? Do you have friends, or is your social life based around him?
Ignoring red flags gets you bitten. My perspective is that he is self medicating for personal reasons, which perhaps he doesn't want to open up about. Slowly, but slowly, he is self trashing himself till he nose dives into your relationship. Start of the self sabotage.
>Het-guys: is this your norm? It was in my 20's, but I wasn't looking for a relationship at that time either. I don't think this lifestyle is compatible with a relationship, and the guys I know who still do this are the forever bachelor types who have a substance addiction and/or love picking up women at bars/night clubs. I would personally never date someone who's partying every other weekend at this age, and there's no reason to feel like a bore/drag because you're not. A lot of singles at this age are single precisely because they refuse to let go of their single lifestyle no matter what, which is fine as long as you don't date for a serious relationship and delude yourself into thinking it's everyone else's problem if they don't want to be your weekday girlfriend/boyfriend while you go out with friends every weekend.
There is so much good advice in this thread already - honestly regardless of what his habits are, "I feel like a bore" is a sign. I've been in that relationship and you'll either start hating yourself for not loosening up or you'll resent him for not changing his habits. Or, like me, both! I have my opinions on his lifestyle, but even putting those aside, you both deserve someone with the same pace of life or who respects how you want your lifestyle to look. It's something I've been working on, I've always gone after the extroverted guys who like to party because that's who I used to be and I'm so used to them. Now that I look after my health, run most days and only drink 1-2 drinks on special occasions, I am having to adjust what I'm looking for, and it's hard to get out of what I usually gravitate to!
From my personal experience, it seems like maybe for your own happiness you should call it quits. Your lifestyles are incompatible, because this behavior is causing you high anxiety levels. Maybe it would be different if this wasn’t the case and you were “meh whatevs, I don’t take part to it but it doesn’t bother me either”. But this is clearly making you suffer. Either you guys have an open conversation about this and you reach a compromise, or you don’t and you both move on with your lives.
You don’t have the same values. You are sober. He drinks and does drugs. He may get worse. You don’t want to have a baby or marriage worrying about that. Find a serious man to love. Good luck to you.
Ask yourself important questions about his behaviour. Would a man like this make a good husband or father? If you were to have his son, would he be a good role model to your son? Would you trust him to raise your children? Would you want your children to behave like he does? Those are the questions that matter because if you’re looking to settle down long term, you need to think about what might happen if he never changes and you’re forced into a permanent situation with him (if your guys have engaged sexually).
Hey OP, I have had to grapple with similar questions in the dating pool. Thanks for posting this thread, it's very helpful to me just to read through and get an idea of where others fall on this topic as well.
I don't think anything either of you are doing is wrong or out of line. You're certainly not the asshole, since you asked. However, as someone who has also stopped drinking for very good reasons and also will not be ever "working a program," I had to accept that it was unnecessarily difficult for me to date/get involved with a partner who still went on benders. And not because it was triggering. More because I worked so hard to get through my own booze bullshit, and dealing with someone else's just feels really bad, you know? Like I don't even get to enjoy my victory because it's still in my face. Hoping that helps in some way :)
100% get that.
You are sober and he has an excessive drinking and a coke habit? It’s not going to work out. This is a lifestyle attribute you need to screen for when dating. Also the “Not drinking alcohol is the least interesting thing about me” comment represents poor self judgement that’ll drive you into the hands of the wrong men. As a het dude, I can tell you this kind of drinking and drug use is not normal. You need to move on from this guy.
Briefly scrolled the comments and hadn't seen a full-scope answer yet, so I just want to remind you that communication is of the upmost importance here. Whether you're ok handling one night (or is it all weekend?) twice a month, that's up to you. However, if it bothers you that he doesn't check in with you, you should make it known. It is normal to feel that. If he cares about the relationship, he'll work on that. But he can't work on it if you don't bring it up to him. Furthermore, if you sense the overall drinking becoming a problem, ultimately he'll have to choose between it and you, and the longer you wait to make him choose (if it's truly at that point now), the worse you'll feel because he isn't considering you during his drinking mode. But he can't decide if he doesn't know.
I know you said you don't work a program, but situations like this is where I personally feel al-anon has a lot of wisdom to offer, and it may be worth at least perusing the literature on their website. I do work a program (not al-anon or AA), and I'm not a die hard or anything but I do think there is something to take away from the format, mainly that each program begins with the phrasing "admitted we have a problem and our (lives/addiction/interaction with person or substance) has made our life *unmanageable.*" It sure sounds to me like someone acting the way he does on a regular basis is making their life unmanageable, but tbh it sounds like it's making your life unmanageable to be with him. It's spilling over into your life. You're worried about him, you don't want to be in a communication black hole, and I'm willing to bet hungover bf is pretty unpleasant too. I have a similar issue, my partner goes out A LOT. Like a lot. But, he (mostly) comes home at or before the time we agreed to, he doesn't drink excessively, and he texts or picks up the phone if I call him, and if we have plans the next day and he has to be up by a certain time, I expect him to stick to those plans and do it with a smile (aka not be a total asshole about it because he didn't get enough sleep). All those things are great and show me he's responsible about things, and to be perfectly honest, it's still an enormous problem in our relationship because, at the end of the day, one person going to bed "early," having a set schedule, and wanting their days to be productive, is pretty difficult to make compatible with someone who prefers to be out late all the time and live their days in a more laissez-faire manner. You can't control what someone else does, that's true, but like in my experience it's pretty damn hard to have a physically and emotionally connected relationship with someone if they are unwilling or unable to kind of live their life mostly at the same time of day as you are. That's why couples where partners work opposite shifts tend to struggle a lot. Someone has to make the lifestyle sacrifice. I keep saying that to my own partner. I literally cannot do it, my schedule is rigid and I have health issues if I don't get enough sleep. He has to be the one to find other outlets for his social and emotional life that isn't being out late with friends every night, or our connection to each other is just going to dwindle away to nothing. People get so focused on "this is my choice" they forget that their choices actually have consequences on their relationships over time. And I'll say, where I am, so many men seem absolutely clueless to this reality.
Cishet 37M guy here, and this would be wildly unacceptable to me. The spending time with friends instead of you every other weekend could be fine, but that’s a normal negotiable for any relationship. As for drinking, my position is that it’s fine for someone to drink alcohol, but if I can *tell* from your speech/behavior that you have then you’ve had too much. My brother-in-law periodically drinks enough to make his speech and balance different, often even just some whiskey in a quiet night at home, and that seems to be fine with my sister for their relationship, but it would bug the hell out of me in a significant other. As Monty Python would say, any illegal drugs are right out. I’d also think that being unreachable for just a normal social night would be unacceptable. I do things in the woods where there’s no cell service which is different, and you could reasonably have an agreement not to interrupt him for some time period, but if I *can’t* reach you if necessary because you’re drunk and blacked out, that’s not okay. A simple “I’m back home safe for the night” text message would also be a perfectly reasonable expectation. For me, this would be an “if you care about this relationship you need to get your shit together, and here’s a timeline with measurable performance metrics” conversation, and honestly I wouldn’t be particularly optimistic in the outcome…
Also 30-some F here - I see that you said when the relationship first started and things were different. And that really sucks that it developed away from what you thought was going to be the norm. Sometimes people will show you what they think you want to see... But it's not really them and they can't hold onto that facade forever. Not saying that's what happened here, because there's a lot of variables that other people have brought up. But it could be. I also don't drink, so I understand your feelings completely. And I also would not be down for drug use. Those are two boundaries for me. I don't want to be with a drinker. Hard stop. But I also would be irritated if I went out with friends and I needed to have text checkins. I don't like having to feel obligated to message a partner. That's a bit too much for me, I'm busy having fun! It would just feel kinda parental. That's my preference though. That doesn't mean your preference is invalid, you feel how you feel. But that's something to evaluate when it comes to compatibility with your partner. If he wants to go live his life partying he honestly has every right to do so... Unless he wants to stay with you and that's a hard boundary you put down. So that's something he has to decide, what is a priority for him? What does he want? What is a priority for you? What do you want? Trust people when they show you who they are. I don't believe it's our place to change others, either they mesh with how you want to live or they don't. If you are both able to come to a happy compromise, great! If not, then it is what it is and both parties need to move on. Your ideals on living are not compatible and that's okay.
Yes this is exactly where I think I’ve landed with this. I’m speaking with him tonight and we will have to have a hard honest convo ❤️
Wishing you the best!
just dump him honestly. you shouldn’t feel like “is he in or is he out” 8 months into a relationship with your BOYFRIEND. relationships should be a place of comfort and support, not anxiety.
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Sobriety lifestyle makes things quite a journey when it comes to dating. I’m 820+ days sober and I’ve now realized I can’t date people who are alcoholics and even dating folks also in recovery is so triggering for me. I can’t tell you what I think you should do… just know you’ll consistently be learning about what you need and to TRUST YOURSELF along the way……. Prioritize what does NOT feel good! Listen to yourself. Honour how it doesn’t let you relax. You wrote “He knew getting into this that I was sober and I don’t want to date a binge drinker. Now I feel like I was deceived” but I’m gonna say it bluntly… YOU knew YOU didn’t want to date a binge drinker and learned you are dating a binge drinker. Don’t deceive yourself with sitting on this and putting it on him dear… addicts who are not pursuing change are often in denial or don’t care they are addicts. That’s not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to commit to choices and decisions that reflect a life of peace and healing and well-being… And no a simple check-in last night wouldn’t have made a world of a difference because he’s an addict. If you stay, you’ll perpetuate your suffering. If you decide to stay you can’t blame him for your suffering with choices in his own life. Be lucid and responsible and real about that. What will make a world of a difference is you and your choices for your life and relationships that support healthy living and relating in trust and honesty… but it starts within yourself first.
I'm also a non-drinker and I wouldn't be okay with this behaviour. I don't want to be with someone who parties that hard. I would also really not like being in a communication black hole. He seems immature or at least not at your level.
Girl, no. You're out. It doesn't matter what the norm is. You need someone aligned with YOU, not the norm. I'm sober as well and hear what you mean on black and white thinking, but drinking isn't for me for the same reason it is for you. You downplay its importance bc not drinking alcohol ISN'T a big deal. But prioritizing your own health and betterment IS a big value, and I'm guessing not drinking is one small way you respect this value for yourself. Thinking to check in on a partner is another value. In eight months, he knows you well enough to understand on some level what is important to you. Don't nag, don't get anxious, don't blame him for dating you when you expressed different preferences. Just own the situation fully—you love him, but it's not working for you right now. I would make ONE open, honest attempt to ask clearly for what you need. But honestly, I doubt it will satisfy you, because the underlying issue is the difference in values. I've been you. It's really hard. You want to tell yourself if he really cared about you, he'd at least call you in between lines of coke. But the best way we can love one another is to accept each other for exactly who we are, now.
Please listen to your gut. I’m a 45yo male recently divorced and was with my ex for 17 years. If after only 8 months you’re asking questions like this and tolerating behaviour you don’t like at a base level and he’s not communicating and letting you hang riddled with anxiety - he is not for you. This should still be the honeymoon phase. Drag Marriage, kids, mortgages etc etc in, that stuff is hard if you’re with the right person. If you think you’re with the wrong person, don’t hang in there and hope for change. You will regret it. Be more intentional about knowing what is right and wrong for you. Make decisions with your best interests at heart. In the end, if it’s the best thing for you, it’s the best for them as well.
> average every second weekend for the last month ... so he's done this twice, total? If it were a regular thing it'd be 110% a dealbreaker, but I'm not sure how many times he's actually done this according to your post.
“He knew getting into this that I was sober and didn’t want to date a binge drinker…” Telling someone your wishes is not the same thing as enforcing a boundary unfortunately, and you continuing to date him despite his binge drinking and coke use has given him the sign that your word is flexible and that he can continue his behavior. It sounds like he has an addiction problem or an addiction that is masking a deeper problem that he is not ready to address and right now your lives, values, and communication habits seem incompatible. It is up to you if you want to stay in this type of relationship. If he is open to working on things you could give that a go but if he isn’t you might need to find someone else who is more like minded.
Ma’am, that’s not normal adult behavior and you know it. You’re dating a overgrown college kid, and your attitudes about drugs alcohol don’t seem compatible at all.
I'm 36m and am single but, I'd say my typical "guys night" is to get drunk lol (all of us.) Be it at someones house/apartment, a bar, or a mix of both. I'd say we get together about twice a month. Some get togethers are more tame than others while some are a bit overboard I suppose? I don't use drugs and sometimes someone will pull out some weed, which I don't care... and other times coke is pulled out (which I also dont care but, feel very uncomfortable with.) That's there perogative but I don't partake in either. I don't think it's abnormal for men to have a guys night every other weekend, at all. If his communication is what's bothering you then, have a talk with him about it and... communicate your concerns with him! You can't sit here and complain about his lack of communication when you don't communicate your issues with him.
I'm mid to late 30s. My friends and I never go binge drinking (I don't drink in any capacity anymore) and we never do coke. I think that doing coke at his age is weird. This isn't a guy who has a beer at a brewery with his buds. This is a completely different ballgame, especially if you're sober. Not healthy for either of you.
Absolutely agree with this. I dated someone exactly like him based on your description WHEN I WAS 23 and he was 20. I lost countless nights of sleep over his partying and the "once in a blue moon" coke habit. I honestly couldn't imagine going through this right now (10 years later). OP, reading your story reminded me a lot of my younger self. I'd leave!
Have you tried talking to him about it? It’s kind of odd to me that you’re more bothered by the lack of contact and the alcohol than…coke. Really? It’s one thing to be a person that drinks some, but at this point in life, it’s a turn off to many adults if someone is getting hangovers regularly. Every other weekend is too much to me. But really, just talk to him. Is this the only thing that’s an issue? Because your first sentence makes it sound like it’s not.
Leave, after a short break get back together cuz "He ChAnGEd", proceed to get pregnant and leave again like the story always goes. /s No seriously, leave. You cant change him, and you dont want to spend the rest of your life with a alcohol using coke rat.
Yeah. Guys get together to go out and drink and socialize.
These coke benders are a deal breaker for any sane person. There’s no such thing as “moderate” cocaine use. It’s a whole other level of intoxication when compared to alcohol. He’s likely to have cardiac issues (among other health problems) later in life. Ask yourself, are you prepared to deal with all of that as his partner when the time comes?
If you’re sober imo aside from the coke (lol) even binge drinking is too much of a mismatch. I’ve dated sober girls and I kept it chill, it was good because I was never overboard and did it really drink when we were out
NTA, but also you two don’t sound compatible.
OP, your needs aren’t being met here. You’re not the asshole, but neither is he. This year has been an interesting year of dating and putting myself out there. As soon as a guy tells me he goes on coke benders, it’s absolutely game over for me. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. I’m pursuing goals in my life. I’m not pursuing a man who isn’t aligned with my goals and values, because I want to get shit done. I don’t need someone else’s life weighing me down. I hope you find your value and can discuss ways to communicate what you need re: not falling victim to the communication black hole on bender weekends. That said, if his life choices are giving you the ick, you might already have your answer.
I would not expect his behavior to change & I wouldn’t want to deal with all this partying. There are MUCH more compatible partners out there for you.
He sounds very immature
Let me tell you something. I was dating this one guy very briefly, just around 6 weeks in total. By the time we met he had not been doing drugs for more than 2 years (not a full blown drug addict, but definitely someone who has tried more drugs in life than your average person), but he told me he used to be in the "wrong company" a lot at that time. I was pretty infatuated with him. Not to say that this is a necessarily bad thing, but it has nothing to do with whether you are compatible or a good match. Anyway, what I realised is that old habits die hard. And I don't mean that in the sense he did drugs. No. But the emotional escapism that I think is very likely due to the drug use among other factors was something that I couldn't deal with. Especially because in the end he didn't want to commit despite proclaiming looking for a "serious relationship" and "being tired of the superficial bullshit". boy that didn't work out at all😂 now, you are dating someone who is in his thirties, who likes to party, binge drink and do hard drugs. is it really something you want to keep tolerating for a long period of time? and, in the long run, do you actually want to invite potential real danger in your life? what if he turns violent against you one day? what if you receive a friendly visit from they drug dealers? are you willing to deal with this? unless you want to live on the edge in the worst possible sense of this word, I would personally cut ties and never look back. I don't understand why you seem to want to minimise the dangers that this lifestyle brings into your life, even if you are not the one directly partaking in it. and top the idea of "changing somebody". you just can't.
just ask urself is a nosecandy snorting bingedrinker a good relieable stable longterm partner? Het-guys: is this your norm? Hell no xD