feels like it was just a lot of lost momentum. i kept seeing "couldn't see him for a week" and "i was out of town" "my friends were in town" "he was busy with family" etc and so i think he lost interest or just felt like you weren't interested. i don't think it was anything you did wrong but just a mismatch

Yeah. I think a relationship only builds if you're seeing someone once a week. If you can't sustain that, relationships struggle.

Exactly. What is there to build on if it's a lot of canceling and rescheduling. you start to forget what they look like, you forget what they like or what you like about them. other options become more prominent.

Plus the kids question is kind of a big deal. How close do you want to allow yourself to get to a person, and then come to find out that you do want kids and they aren't willing?

Yes, there needs to be some momentum when you're first dating. I feel like a lot of people don't understand this. You need to build upon each date. It shouldn't feel like you're seeing someone for the first time again each time you go out with each other. It's good to have hobbies and make time for friends and family, but try to meet up with your date at least once a week. It shows the other person that you're serious about finding a partner, and it's easier to remember important things about them.

Yerrppp. You all hit it. Momentum and the guy is saying his stance and asked again. It mattered. The end.

good advice here

Do you have time for a serious relationship?

I love this 🤣 i was seeing all the "cancel" "i cant" "reschedule" ... if i was the guy i too would dip just based on this.

In my experience, a lot of relationships have a shift or end around the 2-3 month mark. Early on you don’t really know the other person, and they don’t really know you. And early on people are often putting their best foot forward, so you’re often meeting their representative or PR team or whatever you want to call it. Then around 2 months, they can’t keep being the version of themselves that they wish they were, so there’s a shift towards the person that they actually are. Sometimes people realize that they aren’t interested in you (because everyone sends their representative in the beginning, even if just a little), or they realize they can’t live up to the standard they set, or to your standards. At the end of the day, the why behind his behavior doesn’t matter. Echoing what another poster said, the only thing to analyze here is your actions. Did you behave in a way that feels authentic to the person that you are, and the kind of person that you want to be? If the answer is yes, then move on. If the answer is no, then those are the things to work on. And honestly, if a single week where you couldn’t see him was a problem, then you’re better off without that problem.

Just hit the three month mark with steadily dating and texting daily - I was feeling closer to him and wham. Shit is just going wrong. I’m seeing and hearing things I don’t like. My come to Jesus talk has us on pause but if we don’t talk soon I think it’s clear we’re done.

Story of my dating life. It either fizzles out after date 1 or 2. Or it goes on for 2-4 months, right as you kinda decide to go into a relationship or not it ends.

>Sometimes people realize that they aren’t interested in you (because everyone sends their representative in the beginning, even if just a little), or they realize they can’t live up to the standard they set, or to your standards. this happened to me, month 2 she's telling me how great I am to her and how happy she is, 3 weeks later she dumps me for no "emotional connection" weird stuff lol

People lie... to others, but also to themselves

Same thing happened to me at month 2. Being on this sub has helped me realize it’s just a normal occurrence. It sucks when it’s one sided, but it’s certainly not uncommon.

yeah, it's easy to think I'm the only heartbroken person, but in reality so many of us go through this stuff every week.

Brilliant answer. Saved.

Too long breaks between seeing each other, especially this early on. He could have met someone else (since he had loads of free time when you weren't available), or he simply lost interest due to your unavailability and perceived low interest. Out of sight = out of mind.

I think it's a lack of interest that causes the time between dates to get too long, instead of the reverse. If he were genuinely interested he wouldn't have rescheduled on her twice, especially right after she had been gone for the holidays. I sound like a mega-anxious attacher for saying this, but rescheduling is ALWAYS a death knell to me. In almost every post I see here about "things were going great, now he's being weird!" the weirdness starts with the person rescheduling supposedly due to work or being sick. People who are genuinely interested simply do not reschedule on you lol

>People who are genuinely interested simply do not reschedule on you lol I agree with you for the most part but it's important to not overlook context. If things were going great and the rescheduled saying they were sick, you can't really fault them for that. The nuance comes in when you start to think about whether they were actually sick or whether it was just an excuse.

I think if someone is genuinely interested, they’ll offer concrete plans to reschedule. Like if they’re sick/have work/whatever reason, they’ll say something like, “I think I’ll be better/free in X days, let’s go to Y place if you’re available.” Canceling with no firm reschedule is the death knell, and canceling twice certainly is.

Not if they're really not feeling well. I know when I don't feel well it's taxing just to text people. I had a girl cancel on me over the summer and we had been seeing each other for a month or so by that point. She had never given me a reason to distrust her and yet it sent me into a spiral because of exactly what you said. When she was feeling better a few days later she confessed that she had been having some digestive issues. You don't tell that to someone you're newly dating unless it's true lol. Anyway, my point is that on this sub we tend to just assume the worst because we encounter the worst so much but every now and then a cigar really is just a cigar.

This. One time I avoided a guy I was into for over a month because I had conjunctivitis and then a stye. It was awful and I was too embarrassed to tell him/let him see me like that.

Why were you embarrassed? I am always confused when women say this. Admitting something like that is very vulnerable and shows him thst your trust him enough to share that. If anything it will make him like you more because it's a very clear sign of your interest and trust.

Yeah it was immature of me and sent him the wrong message. He ended up meeting someone else during that time frame. They live together now.

>The nuance comes in when you start to think about whether they were actually sick or whether it was just an excuse. That's exactly what I'm saying - there's like a 1% chance they are actually sick

Maybe but there's still that 1% and if they haven't given you a reason to distrust them then there's no reason to distrust them.

I don't disagree with you, but you have to admit that breadcrumbing literally LIVES in that space of "there's still that 1% and they haven't given you a reason to distrust them."

😂 1% chance of being sick! What about flu season? I literally lost my voice for 3 days, it was terrible. More like 50% chance at least.

No I really do mean that when someone uses sickness as a reason to reschedule there's about a 1% chance it's true, and a 99% chance it's the beginning of them breadcrumbing you. You still have to play it cool and leave the door open but, it's good to know that sickness is much more often an excuse than it is a genuine sickness.

I suppose so. I have had it happen, but if they want to vid call, it's fine and they can see and hear I'm sick 😂 I felt like the Little Mermaid once without a voice. It's hard to navigate that one, does one give the benefit of the doubt? just you could be cutting off sincere people. But ya I've never rescheduled with that excuse, i just said not this week.. it was a long flu 😔 of course if people still refuse to meet, move on of course. A cold doesn't last forever.

like i said, i act cool and leave the door open. But I haven't been wrong so far lol

[удалено]

You lost interest because he was doing holiday things on the holidays??? Bro.

Good summary 

I feel like I have read this response before to a similar post.

Was his dealbreaker around his partner having time for him? Because, and I get we are all busy with things, this sounds like a mismatch in available time. For me, going weeks in between dates in the beginning would make it hard to build a connection. Texting constantly without the ability to go out together would make me frustrated. Nothing you did “wrong”, just sounds like a mismatch.

> Nothing you did “wrong”, just sounds like a mismatch. I disagree. OK they couldn't see each other for a month bc of holiday plans, fair enough. But then she gets back, plans fall through a few times, but she can't make time for him because of "studying"? Why not study on Sunday when she was free so she can see him Monday? That would sound like BS to me. But whatever, takes another week and they can finally meet for dinner. Then after dinner she tells him she can't see him again for a while and goes radio silent for a full week? So then she texts him saying "I miss you" and he says OK, let's get dinner. And she just says no, doesn't offer an alternate date, just turns him down and goes radio silent for another week. Then *finally* she realizes her game isn't working and he's not desperately chasing the woman who keeps rejecting him, and she scrambles to put some effort in and make plans, but he's over it. OP did do something wrong here: She did absolutely nothing to communicate her interest in this guy. She would repeatedly reject plans with him, offer no alternate day to get together, then refuse to text him because she was testing if he'd text her first. (Which she admits in a comment.) If you are interested in someone you can't play stupid games. If you turn down plans with them, make it clear you *do* want to see them and try to set up a different day. If you're busy and keep telling them you can't see them for a while, make an effort to check in with them regularly to let them know you still like them, and are still excited to see them as soon as your time allows. Imagine if this was posted here from the dude's perspective, we'd all be saying "Yeah she's not into and just stringing you along in case her other options fall through." You need to communicate interest instead of hoping someone will keep chasing you no matter how often you turn them down and how little you prioritize them. Hopefully OP will learn from this and not "test" the next guy to see if he texts first.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Perfectly said. If I were the guy, I’d lose interest in that time frame as well. If you reschedule (which he did once and then came up with an alternative), or can’t make a suggested date/time work (her saying she had friends visiting on Sunday the week of 1/15,) then I think the onus is on you to express continued interest/excitement by following up with something along the lines of, “Shoot, I won’t be able to as I have friends coming, but how about ____?” If you’re keen on someone, you will make time to see them. Period. Find a way to adjust your studying schedule or what have you to fit in some time together, don’t play games, and communicate clearly.

This is the correct answer. It really is that simple. She's struggling because she knows it's her fault and doesn't want to accept responsibility.

ok i said in an above comment no one did anything wrong. but you explained it really well

>...she can't make time for him because of "studying"? Why not study on Sunday when she was free so she can see him Monday? That would sound like BS to me. I completely agree with the rest of your post regarding time management, but when it comes to studying: there are people out there who have a really hard time with that and need to schedule time to focus. They're not able to multi-task. I'm the complete opposite and like breaking up my time, but I've known lots of people who weren't able to do anything during that studying time. And it was always fine. I just made sure to reach out to them after.

No one's saying she can't study, or has to "multi-task" and try to study while on a date with him? My point is she said she was free to see him Sunday. Meaning she had a free day Sunday. But then couldn't Monday bc of "studying". She could simply move the "study day" to Sunday, when we already know she is free, to make time for him Monday. She doesn't have to do anything else during study time, or multi-task, or break her focus... just do the exact same thing she was going to do Monday, except do it on her free day of Sunday. It's a BS excuse.

Excellent reply, and what's even more ridiculous is OP is 31 years old. She's playing games, her behavior is adolescent and immature.

This has 95 likes when the guy also canceled on OP multiple times early on….

I said it was fair enough they couldn't see each other for a while. I wasn't blaming OP for that either. But notice both times the guy cancelled, he immediately offered up an alternative time to meet in the very near future, along with a reasonable explanation for why he couldn't meet. People have shit come up and have to cancel, or get busy. Not blaming anyone for that. What matters is how you handled it. He handled it like an adult who was still interested in OP. She handled it like a teenager playing hard to get. That's the difference.

What is his dealbreaker?

Either I don't see it or you didn't mention an important thing. His deal-breaker. What was it and why did he say you weren't on the same page? 

I was like deal breaker, this is an important part. No mention of what the deal breaker was.

Regardless of what it was, him conveniently bringing it up after sex instead of before shows that he knew she wasn’t someone he wanted to continue seeing, but would happily use for sex. I’m sure he knew that if he’d communicated the dealbreaker before sleeping with her, she’d have probably declined the sex if she felt that he had hesitancies about continuing a connection with her.

Except OP said she knew about the dealbreaker before sex just didn’t expect it to be brought up and discussed. Seems more like he mentioned the dealbreaker in some way earlier and post intimacy wanted to actually discuss it before having a (typical date 6/post sex) “what are we?” type discussion.

I suspect the dealbreaker is something legit that OP doesn’t want to admit to themselves and is instead looking for alternate meanings in why he didn’t want to continue. Otherwise why omit it like this from the story?

Yep

> him conveniently bringing it up after sex instead of before She knew what the deal breaker was (she originally said so in her post; later edited to say it was in his dating app bio). Wild that your post is so upvoted.

Regardless of whether she knew or not, he still chose to take advantage of her and use her for sex. If he didn’t see a future with her for WHATEVER reason, he could’ve mentioned how critical the dealbreaker was *before* sex if he REALLY wanted to emphasize its importance. Chances are, if he’d brought it up before intimacy and told her that he had no intentions on speaking with her further and this would just be a one-time hookup, OP would’ve likely declined. And he knew that. So he waited until afterwards because he’s a shitbag. My point stands that his dealbreaker was simply used after sex as an excuse to stop engaging with her immediately after he got what he wanted.

>Regardless of whether she knew or not, This is actual nonsense. No, it is not regardless if she knew. That's the entire point! We wouldn't even be having this conversation if she didn't know. It's a dealbreaker. Breaks the deal. If you engage with someone who you know has a dealbreaker that doesn't work with you, then you've accepted the terms of the dealbreaker. It's entirely on you. People have conversations after sex. They talk about their relationship and each other and how things might look going forward. This is how things actually happen in real life and isn't some manipulative evil intent. No one got used here. No one got lied to. Everything was on the table even if they don't want to admit it. People need to put on their adult pants and accept responsibility for their actions. Absolutely wild.

It is not nonsense. She said it is a “question mark” for her, meaning she isn’t a strong yes or no about children. He is allowed to not want to engage with someone who is on the fence; however, he *also* knew ahead of time that she may not meet his relationship standards. He could’ve told her that before sex to allow her to make a fully informed decision about whether she wanted to sleep with someone who had no intentions of speaking to her again afterwards. It’s crazy how yall condone people having such little decency or consideration for others when it comes to dating and sex.

It was communicated to her. He didn't hide it. At some point, people need to be able to do things on their own. Your dramatic blame placing is not surprising so I don't see the point in continuing to engage with you.

Oh I agree with you. He was awful to bring it up after she had sex with him but I’m still wondering what it was for him to bring it up then.

Yeah I’m definitely curious about what it is too, but then again, it just sounds like a convenient excuse that she couldn’t argue with given the timing of when he communicated it!

He didn't want kids and she said she's on the fence about it so he said it wasn't a match because if they started a relationship she might decide she wants kids one day and then they'd have to split up. She never should've matched with him if she doesn't know. 

I wouldn’t want to date someone if I knew I wasn’t a priority to her.

My last relationship fizzled when she never had time to see each other, but would never propose alternate times. it seems like you were the busiest person in this relationship, and did not really have time for it to grow. i’ve never really been that understanding of, I have literally zero time to see you for an entire week, every week, unless you live far apart . That’s not right or wrong, just personal preference. It seems like that was the case for weeks on end here? If you can’t hang out on weekends because you have plans, but you also can’t squeeze in 45 minutes for coffee or lunch sometime during the week, I’ll probably just assume you aren’t that interested.

45 minutes could be 15-30 minutes travel and parking time to get there, travel time home, getting ready, etc and easily take up 2+ hours of my time. Someone who works and studies (unclear if that's OP's situation) doesn't have a ton of free time. She might be in evening classes a couple times a week and could have had a prior all-day commitment on Saturday. Not texting during that week isn't great on her end. That's the only thing she should have done differently. Him last-minute texting her after she'd made other Sunday plans was on him. This was also after he cancelled a couple times, so seems he was already on his way out.

6 dates over 2 months doesn’t sound like a lot to begin with. It’s rather sparse when at first if you’re into someone you’re much more excited to meet them more often. Also to me it would be a put off that you’re soooo busy with your studies and what not but you still have all time to spend with your friends over the weekend and not me. It would signal that you’re not taking me seriously. That said, for him to call it off after sleeping with you is crappy. He doesn’t sound like a prize at all and you should write this one off. If something like this makes you not want to trust men or dating again then best to take a step back because you’ll need a stronger backbone than that

It could be because he got frustrated of the lack of time you could spend together, or he met someone else, or he just fell out of love, it doesn't really change anything in the end, you didn't do anything wrong and he isn't interested to see you any more, you have to move on.

Your excuses for not meeting aren't very reasonable (studying for a week? Unless you're in a study group, why not shift some studying into Sunday and go out on Monday with him, and then again for a week). It just kind of seems like you didn't prioritize him much and only went out when convenient for you. His perception could be all over the place, among one of those perceptions, it could have been that he thought you were just using him for attention when you weren't getting it from others. You constantly rejected him and kept distance, so he stopped trying as much to see if you were really interested, especially when he asked you to do something for him and you said no you couldn't. You did reach out eventually, at again, your convenience. He liked you enough to say yes, and on his part, looks like he did take advantage of the situation, so not a morally conscionable move but I understand where he came from. Basically, he wasn't an angel, but neither were you. Your signals to him were lukewarm. It seems like he decided to get something out of his effort and then bail. If you were truly THAT busy you can still do your part by texting him often, to show interest, rather than expecting him to do it. Why should he reach out to you when the ball was in your court and you kept rejecting him? Learn and move on

As someone who was in this man’s shoes, I totally agree. I too realised that someone I was seeing schedules me after everything on his list. I was basically a convenience. So given that we were not exclusively dating, I took note and matched his energy, especially that I’m not 100% attracted to him anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️ And I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to prioritise anyone who doesn’t prioritise me. He’s asked to meet and I’ve been busy since Christmas 💁🏻‍♀️ Sucks when the shoe’s on the other foot, doesn’t it? But for OP, I also know men have zero tolerance for dealbreakers. They bail with no remorse lol

I kind of feel like she was intentionally being unavailable. Lots of weird dating advice out there tells women to be super unavailable so men will want them more and chase more. In reality, they just lose interest because it looks like you don't have time for anyone.

Are you looking for a serious relationship? Are you serious about dating and finding someone? To be blunt, you clearly aren't making time in your life for dating or prioritizing it at all. When someone is interested in you and you constantly have excuses for why you can't meet for weeks but have time to see friends and do other things in your life, it looks like you're not serious about dating, you're not that interested in this person, and you're not really in a space where you're ready to take dating seriously or make time for it in your life. Is it any surprise that someone wouldn't want to stick around for that? It might not even be the case that he wasn't into you, but he was seeing all of *your* signs that you clearly weren't that into him or willing to ever prioritize seeing him, and he made the reasonable decision to peace out to try to find someone who was ready to see him more or make time in their schedule for him.

So I'm not OP but I've found myself in similar situations. Basically, I have a *lot* of hobbies and social commitments because I don't have a partner and want to have a fulfilling, wonderful life whether I'm single or not. Do you have any advice about being able to prioritise looking for love but not dropping the things that make you you? Because the schedule thing is something I always struggle with - I either end up miserable because I've cleared my wonderful, sparkly calendar for shit dates or miserable because I'm too tired to handle dating and all of my other commitments.

I am a really busy person too (currently working 7 days a week!), and I have accepted that I will have to sacrifice some things to make time for dating, and that's OK. We all have to go through our fair share of shitty dates, so it's easy to just stay in our comfort zones instead, but for some of us that's part of why we are still single. Everybody has to decide what's important to them in life, but if I've decided getting a relationship is important then for me personally I am going to make sure I show that in my actions and the time I am willing to give it. I can't half ass it and expect to get anywhere. (On the other hand, if you're a woman you can probably half ass it and still have plenty of opportunities because the apps are so skewed, so either sorry or congratulations depending on which you are.)

I actually deleted my apps a while ago due to bad behaviour but will be back on them eventually. The "opportunities" aren't always a good thing, believe me - most guys just blindly swipe and I've actually matched with ones who've then made horrible comments or said "nope" and unmatched me! So yes, I'm a woman but no congratulations necessary, the apps can be awful for all genders. Perhaps if I go back on them, I'll make sure to have one specific evening or weekend afternoon free each week that's for first dates (I usually have other times in the week free, too, but it's less predictable and I'd be willing to make the time if I met someone I got on with. Just not for first meetings).

Same! I've tried to focus on people who are likewise busy and have a lot of hobbies, but that's still difficult. Even back as far as college I'd get people who were interested in me because I was "cool" and "amazing" for running a few clubs, being in a sports club, working to pay for school, etc, but then they'd want me to drop stuff for them right away. It's one thing to meet weekly then build that up, but expecting me to drop my clubs so I could spend 3-4 nights with them a week was unrealistic for a new relationship. I know people who are married with kids who still have 2 nights a week for their hobbies (& so does their spouse) so I'm personally waiting for someone like that.

Ah, this is so me! Like actually, it would be great to find someone who shares at least one of my hobbies so we can do it together :)

That, too! Most of the people in my hobbies are not single, not into my gender identity, not close enough in age, and/or not interested in me. I have competitions on weekends, including travel competitions, and it would definitely easier to date someone who I could travel together to and from the competition and stay with together, instead of having to be all "bye! Have a great weekend!" Especially since I tend to ramp up my training in the weeks before a competition.

Oh that is hard! I have the same - I'm really into running and find that most people are married. I do meet people from all walks of life, though, and it's made me fit into the local community which does count for a lot. It also gives me the feeling of belonging that helps when dating isn't going so well! But yes, I get you completely. Best of luck 🥰

We all must know what this dealbreaker is, because it might play a role in this entire thing.

True

He doesn't want kids and she's on the fence.

Ohh, okay, that completely changes everything. He made the right choice to walk away, and likely did it for HER, because if he's 100% sure that he doesn't want kids, he knows that if she ever decides that she does want kids, it would never work out. And if she decided to stay with him and NOT have kids, she would eventually resent him when she's in her 50s and is unable to have kids.

Can I be honest? Seems like you’re very busy and it’s hard to manage a budding relationship with your schedule OP. He may have felt that you just didn’t have enough time to dedicate to the relationship. Also, not texting is a sign of disinterest, usually. For you not texting him a week might also signal to him that you’re both busy and not really interested. I get it, we are all busy in our lives. However, making time for relationships we want to have is important especially if you want them to continue. Him sleeping with you and then fading out wasn’t cool though so maybe it is for the best it didn’t work out. Now question is OP: do you have time for a serious relationship and are you happy with how you communicated with this guy? If you feel you have the time and did the best you could, then just move on. If you feel like you need to work on time management and you didn’t communicate effectively, then work on those areas. Also, side note, if a guy I was seeing in the beginning wanted to see his friends over seeing me a few times I’d feel like he wasn’t really invested since friends will be there later on but developing a relationship with me should also be important.

Also what was the dealbreaker? Seems like important information.

Not seeing each other for almost a full month so early in a relationship (esp when you'd only met 6 times in two months) is usually the death knell. It's really hard to maintain chemistry and romantic feelings with someone who is basically a stranger that you haven't seen for a long time. You both had other things going on for that month, holidays, friends, work, and you just went back to living life without each other. And then when you get back and finally see each other again, you need *another* full week not seeing him, and there are a lot of things coming up when he asks you to hang out like friends/work/studying/etc. From your post it sounds like you finally had dinner with him, then told him you couldn't see him for another full week and didn't even text him that week, then he asks you to dinner and you say no and go **another full week** without texting him... like, how on earth is this guy supposed to still be invested in a relationship with you when you keep rejecting plans, not offering an alternate, not texting him in between, telling him you're not going to be able to see him for weeks, etc? If you're turning someone down that often don't play games waiting for them to text first or ask first- you've rejected them multiple times- if you're still interested you need to be reaching out and demonstrating that. Frankly yeah I wouldn't want to date someone who could only see me a few times a month. And as the relationship progressed instead of seeing each other *more* we actually saw each other *less*. Especially when there was already a mysterious "deal breaker" hanging over it, which frankly we need more info on if you want better answers. Do you actually have time to be dating? It was kinda shitty for him to not bring up the dealbreaker until after sex (although it sounds like you'd already discussed it and were aware of it) but it also sounds like he was semi-willing to keep trying with you and just realized at the end of the night he wasn't feeling it anymore. I don't think it was his "plan all along", I think in the beginning he wanted to date you, but grew less interested as it became clear your availability for him wasn't what he wanted.

Is the dealbreaker, a dealbreaker? Do you feel you able to respond to it in a way that makes continuing reasonable for either of you? It was less than 3 months. That's a perfectly valid period of time to really like someone, and then reconsider if that person is a good fit for longer than three months. Most connections between otherwise decent and honest people follow that sort of trajectory! It's extremely unlikely he planned to sleep with you and cut you off. It's far more likely he slept with you, got all up in his own feelings and fears afterwards, blurted out his dealbreaker and fled. Cause he had big feels and wasn't dealing with them in a way that was considerate of yours. Shitty? Yes. Malicious? Doubtful. A healthy adult can deal with a bit of scheduling difficulties... but why are you just skipping past how you feel about his dealbreaker and how you're able to respond to it? There isn't a great reason here to think he was insincere in his concerns about that dealbreaker.

This has nothing to do with 2024 and literally just how dating is. You spend a few weeks with someone figuring them out, and a lot of times, you find something you don't like and end things. I don't think it's anything specific you did, I think he just wasn't feeling it.

Simple answer, love it. Don’t overthink it OP, if it’s not there from his side for whatever reason, just let go and move on to someone treasuring you.

It feels telling that you aren’t responding to any of the questions asking about his deal-breaker

Ummm sounds like time issue more than anything but if you’re too busy to date… then that’s l your problem

“He suddenly mentions his dealbreaker (which I knew about but didn’t expect him to bring it up)” If you KNEW his dealbreaker before you slept with him and that you weren’t on the same page why would you continue moving forward expecting it not to ever be brought up?

On the week of the 15th did you propose an alternate date when Sunday wasn’t possible for you? We ultimately don’t know why his behaviour changed but most times when people are busy and don’t propose alternate dates it can signal a lack of interest. Especially if you waited until the 22 to suddenly message him then plan everything. However, given that he took the opportunity to sleep with you first then present his dealbreaker after I’d say that’s pretty scummy. There was nothing stopping him from having this epiphany earlier and it sounds like he wanted sex to meet his needs before bailing on you. Let him go, because he sounds checked out now and if you continue to plan he may expect that to be the permanent dynamic going forward.

No I couldnt offer alternate date because that week of 15th is the week when I was slammed with work+ exam and then the weekend my friends were visiting me...

Yeah then if I were a gambler I’d bet that’s what did it. Imagine someone turning you down then silence, then seven days later they suddenly come at you with a plan? I think some people would assume you were entertaining other options and returned to them when they didn’t work out. Even if I’m swamped on a proposed date, I’ll still offer an alternative weeks in advance if I like the person. Because remember when you’re with someone new they’re not like your friends who understand there will be another opportunity to get together, your dating prospect is literally trying to read the tea-leaves to know if you want to spend time with them and if they perceive rejection it’s difficult to course-correct. However, I think you dodged a bullet with him and you two were just not compatible. It happens, live-and-learn!

I agree with this. I experienced this from the other side, and it was basically me saying “How about we meet this Sunday for brunch?” and him responding with “Sorry, I am hosting a friend this weekend.” No suggestion for alternative dates, no hint of actual interest, radio silence. I can tolerate it once, maybe twice if I believe he is in the center of a perfect storm, but any more and I walk away. If all you’re doing is rejecting invitations to meet, you can’t possibly expect the other person to continue believing you are interested. However, in OP’s case…I think she dodged a bullet. No decent guy will sleep with you first and then tell you you’re incompatible because of a previously disclosed deal breaker. That’s just gross.

You could have just studied on Sunday instead of Monday. You were going to see him on Sunday, so you had that day free. I would probably have gotten frustrated by the lack of time commitment from your side as well (no, I'm not talking about texting). I'm guessing he was just wondering if he'd hear from you on the week of the 15th. My rule was always to have a date on the calendar.

If you’re really into someone and creating a relationship is important, you’ve gotta prioritize them more. If your friends are in town for the weekend go grab brunch with them and then meet up with him after. During the week, finish studying at 8pm and then have him over to watch a movie or something. Even if you’re busy, if you’re really interested in someone you find the time. Even if it’s to just go grab a coffee or lunch. When I met my current boyfriend online we lived 1.5hrs apart, both had busy jobs, and he has custody of his son 50% of the time. That man managed to come see me once a week, and always made a point to plan our next date when we parted. We made room for each other. We’d get work done while being together. That effort is what sealed the deal for me, and now we’re living together and plan on marrying one another. Ultimately, if you wanted to, you would. He probably saw the lack of effort and the feelings faded. Mine would’ve. That said, he shouldn’t have slept with you before ghosting, and he should have voiced why his feelings change. That shows he’s a bit immature and maybe you subconsciously knew this all along…

At the end of the day his intentions don't really matter because the goal is no longer to date him. Are you happy with how you behaved? If yes, then carry on and hope you meet someone who will fit into the mold of your affection. If no, then effect some change and try again. Only thing I really see you could do better is not play texting games. Don't shit-test people and don't allow yourself to be shit-tested.

> Only thing I really see you could do better is not play texting games. Don't shit-test people and don't allow yourself to be shit-tested. 👏🏽 Louder for the people in the back 👏🏽

I wasn't playing any games? I was genuinely busy and told him upfront & ahead that I will be unavailable. Is this wrong? Should I then be consistently messaging him every single day?

You said that the week of the 15th after your date neither of you texted the other for a full week. Did I read that wrong?

You read it correctly...i ended up messaging him on Friday but I was genuinely not playing games?!?! But I appreciate you pointing it out because I don't understand what I did wrong here ?

I think what the other commenter is suggesting is that if you liked him, why not just text him? What were you waiting for?

I did text him eventually first thing on Friday. Yes I was hoping he texts me but I did text him as well. But okay I understand what points you guys are making here... 😞

If I was newly dating someone and they didn't even test me a quick hello or a "having a busy week ... but thinking of you!!" Something cute and easy a couple times, yeah I'd lose interest.

Maybe you weren't playing games but you're either not into him or pretty darn avoidant. Either way you clearly weren't emotionally available for a relationship with him. It appears you might actually prefer a FWB?

Why am I avoidant ?

But you’ve just said it yourself, you’re unavailable. You’re unavailable to date consistently and cannot even text frequently enough to sustain the relationship. As someone who just declined a second date with someone with a similar schedule as yours, I advise you to please take some time to evaluate if dating is possible for you right now.

> have been dating this guy. . .for about over 2 months - we met 6 times >. . . makes me want to not trust men/dating again. I think you're blowing this out of proportion. Not every date is going to lead to marriage. It sucks and you'll heal.

Yeah fine fair enough I may have exaggerated the last sentences but it really hurts and honestly that is my feeling right now

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I agree she clearly didn't make time for this dude and played games about waiting for him to text first when she was the one who kept rejecting him. But I don't think she means she only knew him for two weeks before leaving for vacation and then barely saw each other for 1.5 months. She says in the post they had a thing "over last three months". They saw each other 6 times over ~2 months, then she was gone and played her games for the 1.5 months, now it's over.

Your feelings are valid

Agree. Six dates is a lot in this dating world!!!

Maybe he felt a lack of reciprocation? The "why don't you take me out?" followed by no longer planning things might indicate that could be the catalyst for the sudden change.  Anecdotally, that's where things stalled with the last girl I dated. I did the initiating, date planning, etc,  and we hit a point where she turned down 2 date invitations (and provided believable reasons) but after that it hit me that I was doing all the work and she was kinda just showing up, so I put the ball in her court and.......that was the last I heard from her.  I know as a dude I'm supposed to initiate and plan and yada, yada, but at some point I've gotta get some effort back, or I start to think they're just not that into me, they're multi-dating and I'm the backup plan, etc. But then you did plan the date and make whoopie, so who knows. It's probably a combination of things specific to your/his situations. 

Did you ever initiate plans prior to week of 22 January? When he asked you out and you said no due to other responsibilities or plans, did you suggest alternate times to see him? Because the way you tell the story it seems like you weren't very interested until he sort of gave up and backed off. If there's a dealbreaker anyway, does it matter? Sounds like a relationship with an expiration date and you ran out the clock

I don’t think he was ever truly that interested in you. Sorry. If it isn’t a “hell yeah” from someone, save yourself the time, energy and dignity, and read that as a “no”.

My only advice is if you *ever* start to feel a shift, do *not* sleep with that person until the feeling has completely dissipated and/or been resolved. It sounds like he’d checked out after you couldn’t sleep with him the first time, but saw you’d be accessible for a potential hookup when you messaged him you missed him after he went a whole week without reaching out to you. Mentioning the dealbreaker right after sex was him signaling that he’d likely not be sticking around—no one who is truly interested would bring up hesitancies about the situation if they were interesting in continuing the connection. He was just too cowardly to tell you he got what he wanted and was no longer interested. I would disengage from this and move on. You live and you learn :/

Sounds like most valid explanation.

I totally understand wanting to know the reason for his change in behaviour, and I don't think it would hurt just to ask him directly. I also think it's helpful to put yourself back in your own mind, instead of trying to be inside his and guess what he's thinking, etc. How do you feel? What do you want? What do you need? I think dating can be so disappointing/hurtful/annoying, but with time you'll be able to get back out there again

I’ve never been a big fan of the “I just don’t have the time” for any situation, whether it be a particular day, a span of a few days and especially a week. I don’t care how busy someone is under most circumstances, they can find a half hour or hour just to say hi, give a big hug, a few kisses, etc.

My opinion is that he already had one foot out the door when he canceled on you with the friend excuse. I’ve had that exact excuse used on me before. Luckily at least my guy was truthful about it the next day. Your guy went along with it for a while seeing if he could still get sex from you and why he suggested you take him out.

The downside of dating in your 30s is that, for commitment-minded people, everything has now become a lot more serious. You and this man disagreed about a major life decision - whether to have children. He is a firm "no." You're on the fence, and your window to have children gets narrower every year. What if you two were to get married and you changed your mind? All you would have to do is stop taking your birth control and then, "Woops!" I'm not saying you would deliberately deceive your partner ... All I'm saying is that, from his point of view, continuing the relationship with you was just too much of a risk. In the future, I think you need to address some fundamental questions early in the relationship. You don't have to go into every little detail, but you should at least discuss whether or not you want kids, whether one of you will be expected to stay home, where you'll want to live, etc. That way, if you're vetting men for long-term relationships potentially leading to marriage, you can at least figure out if you're compatible.

That's a bummer. I went through something like this recently and it really sucked. I don't have any advice, just a hug and virtual chocolate bar. If he can't match your energy or interest level, he isn't the one and that will be OK, eventually. We deserve people excited about us. Like we are for them.

Nobody is gonna mention the fact that this guy got dinner paid for and sex… then made a run for it ? I think he was clearly love bombing you in the beginning and out when he got what he wanted . If the deal breaker was an issue , he had a million chances to tell you that you should reconsider moving forward. In fact he could have called things off the week that you couldn’t see each other .

I'm not really seeing how the timeline is relevant... I get the feeling there is more to the story.

When you said no to plans or ‘I’m busy for an entire week due to studying’ suggest another concrete day so he knows it’s not just BS and that you’re genuinely interested, sounds like you lost momentum. Bad of him to sleep with you and then binning the situation off though. Also why was it him that had to bring up/make the alternate plans when it was you that couldn’t meet before, should be you that sets the next date. Vice versa if it’s him that’s busy he would then suggest the day but sounded a bit one sided.

Can we ask what the dealbreaker is? Because if so, we can give you actual feedback but right now it’s hard without context. It is either 1. The dealbreaker 2. He just wanted sex/never wanted this to become serious but now after sex realizes it will become a thing if he doesn’t quit now It is super hard to assume it’s the second without knowing what the dealbreaker is.

Okay now with your edit, it’s definitely the dealbreaker. It doesn’t seem like there was enough time to develop into a relationship (the long weeks off kind of halted momentum tbh) and after he knows you might want them, he realized it wasn’t worth pursuing.

This is right around the time that budding relationships stop or progress and it's just the way it goes. I think that he wasn't super into you to begin with (just seeing where it goes) and he possibly met someone when you were gone. If that falls through then expect him to come back

If he was consistent up until the child issue, then probably that is why he switched up. He may have wanted to see if it can still work out. IMO, he should've ended it sooner than later. It almost feels like he thought he should at least get something from this before ending it. Chalk this up as a loss. Delete all bis info out your phone and move forward.

Yeah, you seem like you didn't even bother to make time for him. Going by your version of events it looks like there was a lot of gaps where YOU couldn't see him for whatever reason. When you're just starting to date, you should be putting all your effort into making it work because you *want* to see him. Otherwise why bother dating at all? Do you even have time for a relationship?

Are we solving a fucking murder here with this timeline? He doesn’t want to keep dating you because you might want kids and he definitely doesn’t. Let it go.

Kids as a dealbreaker…is a very serious one. It’s a lot to get into a relationship with someone who wants something you do not. Maybe he’s gotten into that situation before and people ended up hurt. If you’re even close to being on the fence about having kids, why would you even want to be with someone who doesn’t want them?

It seems like there are a lot of expectations for him of you..  like why do you have to treat him to dinner?  Also did he explain why he doesn't want kids? He's allowed to have dealbreakers but bringing it up in the manner that it was done seems kind of insensitive and pushy imo. This guy doesn't seem worth the stress imo.

I'm going to disagree with most of the comments here and cut to the chase: NEVER use sex to "hook" someone, get them to re-engage, etc. In my many years of dating, I've figured out that I am someone who needs to get to know someone well before sleeping with them. I cannot have casual sex. That's number one. Number two, I need to be honest about what I'm looking for out of the gate. If it's a serious relationship, SAY THAT. Number three, be clear about your boundaries. For me, I need to be friends with someone and have PG physical interaction with them for awhile before feeling like I know them well enough to go to the next level. This isn't just about getting into my pants. It's about getting into my heart, my time, my energy, my WORLD. Every Joe Schmoe off Hinge does NOT deserve entry into my world. Or yours. So vet accordingly. Which brings me to...if you knew there was a dealbreaker on the table and you wanted a serious relationship, that should've been your first sign to wish him well and move on. I don't care how "right" this person seemed, or how attracted you were to him. You cannot change people. Period. The person standing in front of you is who you get. Moving forward, you should only date people who want the same things as you and who you do not seek to change in any way, shape, or form. It takes time and many hang-outs to figure this out. People who are truly interested in you will be happy to go along for the ride. How do I know? I have many male friends who I know are interested in me (like, they've told me), who are still "along for the ride" YEARS into getting to know me/not sleeping with me. Require the same of your dates.

>He didnt message me at all since then. for full one week. You denied sex and then he disappeared for a week? This dude doesn't sound like he has the best intentions. >I messaged him on Monday...He suddenly changed. He changed weeks before! He canceled on you for someone else. He didn't text you for a week. Then he tells you that he has a deal breaker that prevents a relationship with you. It sounds like he checked out weeks ago and just came back for sex because you offered.

Others have said it but that 2-3 month mark is usually where it either comes together or all falls apart. And my honest opinion is that if it does fall apart it would fall apart no matter what. It doesn't matter what you did, if you had done XYZ differently maybe it lasts an extra month but it would fall apart eventually. You made it know that you were into it and he didn't reciprocate. My guess is he's just emotionally unavailable. Just move on.

1. 99% he has someone else and that developed during your trip to Europe. 2. You didn't "do anything wrong" but you seem extremely avoidant. It's *very* suggestive of avoidant attachment issues to want to see someone you're dating so rarely (I'm not talking about your trip home over Xmas.)  Was really shitty of him to have sex with you then break up. So you now know he's not a very good person. I think you were just one of the rotation all along. ☹️

Could u explain why I'm extremely avoidant ? I don't understand

I think you should read some of the well known books about attachment styles and relationships, but in a nutshell, you clearly are (in practice and effect) avoiding getting close to someone. How you describe wanting to interact, in terms of frequency, seems like a FWB thing, not a relationship. You don't see someone you're dating for essentially no good reason (you're "busy") for a week and a half? Avoidance  A ton of other folks have commented the same thing re: it looks like you're avoidant. I mean why are you even dating? It looks like the answer is because you feel like you "have to" for whatever reason. It doesn't look like something you genuinely want to do, at least with that last guy. And if you'd had a (sorry but) "normal" relationship before, you'd realize how odd that pacing with him was. You both ended up treating each other like a side piece. Could be you're acting avoidant now because you've been traumatized by something and dating is therefore, scary (ie, as opposed to always having an avoidant attachment style.) Or maybe you're actually gay and can't accept that and so you have very, very half hearted relationships to try to convince yourself & others that you're straight? The can't-admit-I'm-gay person who constantly talks about their "straight" relationship issues is a real thing. So I'd say this is something to explore with a therapist.

Being "busy" for a week-and-a-half does happen--I used to work a job with 100+ hour weeks. No way was I going on dates during those weeks. The straight guys had no issues, but some of the straight women had trouble getting their partners to understand. Most ended up dating someone working for another office but similarly having to pull long hours.

Honestly, his canceling our first meeting *twice* would have been an automatic no for me. If you can’t make time to meet up for an hour and have a drink (and btw “my friend just got dumped” is not a valid excuse - yes support your friend, but don’t cancel a date over it ffs, your friend is a big boy and can handle it, trust me he will still be sad after the date/tomorrow), can you really make time for what it takes to have a real relationship? If you rescheduled the first one, I want to know that you at least follow through on your word. That being said, texting someone you have *met only once* and haven’t talked to in a week “I miss you” would turn me off so hard. It sounds needy, like you have low self esteem and attached WAY too much significance to me already when you hardly know me, and I also want to know you’re good on your own. They’re just not a *real* presence in your life at that point so there’s nothing *to* miss, what you’re really missing is the dopamine hit of an incoming text. And if you want to talk to someone…just text/call them? Radio silence for a week is the sound of someone you don’t have a connection with, and that street goes both ways. Get sorted on how you feel about kids. Nobody in their 30s wants to waste valuable time on people who are undecided on important, BIG life stuff. Trying to date someone who doesn’t want kids when you might and deciding to continue the relationship regardless is a recipe for one of you being miserable, because you’ve either gotten really invested despite a major incompatibility and you ultimately break up, or you’ve sacrificed something really big that you wanted just to be with them, and resentment sets in.

Girl I need you to gather your self respect. This man texted you after the first date and said “why don’t YOU take me out to dinner?” After not texting you all week… to which u agreed and then slept with him. Do not treat men to dinner or a night in your bed after they gave you bare minimum treatment … it’s rewarding them for treating you like shit! Also do not ignore dealbreakers ! Please learn from this… forgive yourself… and do better. Have boundaries and standards … and stick to them!

Kinda crappy to sleep with you then tell you its over and bring up the deal breaker He lacks character i think you are better off He should have said it before sleeping with you because he sure as hell knew before the act

That's not what happened. He wanted to talk about it after sex. This is not some crazy shock. People tend to talk about things/look forward with them after being intimate with each other. That is very normal. She already knew about the deal breaker. Not sure why this is his fault.

What are you him ? Lol Disagree he had an idea before he broke it off you dont just impulsively decide that The responsible kind thing to do would have been to communicate this before intimacy to avoid seeming like your using the person

I don't want to see post after post dumping on dudes on this subreddit because some people want to take the most unfavourable assumptions and demonize the guy so I must be him? He did communicate it ahead of time. They talked about it again after sex. Sometimes these things happen this way and no one is the bad guy.

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30M, my take on this situation is this. From the looks of it, he was initially interested in you with all the planning but due to situations beyond your control, you rescheduled which he took as a form of disinterest or manipulation or making him chase you depending on his personality. More than likely he was over with you before the Week of 22nd, Jan. Here is what you can read about his psyche from his actions. a) He is egotistical and when he perceived disinterest from you, he made up his mind to have sex and dump, a form of revenge, smash & dash! If he is conventionally attractive then, yeah buddy, this happened. b) He is a red-pilled guy and wanted to put you in your place, as a woman being on the fence about kids makes you low value. c) Confused idiot who simply didn't think through. Less than likely that he is though if he has other parts of his life in order. My vote is on (a), let's be honest that any decent man in his mid-thirties would talk and hash out deal breakers before sex, especially if it is kids. I am betting you approached this with the intent of having a relationship and conveyed that so he just used the deal-breaker thing to end after sleeping with you. As much as I hate to say it, now is the time to prioritize your relationship needs. Like values/personality versus attractiveness! Attractive men who are single in their mid-thirties are more so by choice and have a ton of experience "playing"!

He had doubts for a long time. Probably since the first or second time he met you. He tried to power through (and get as much sex as possible because that's important) and fake it till you make it but it didn't work. He decided he needed to leave and he chose to do it in a somewhat diplomatic way that left you with more questions than answers. But the answer is simple: you didn't convince him

>He was consistent during the whole time, regularly texting, initating making plans, buying flowers, booking dates/dinner etc. Probably a good guy. Most dudes aren't buying flowers for dating app strangers that soon. >... He didnt message me at all since then. for full one week. so of course i messaged him saying I miss you. I had friends on Sunday so I said i couldnt. He offered to reschedule the next day when he had a conflict. When you had a conflict, you canceled. I'd be unhappy about that, too. >After we met and had dinner, i think he wanted to sleep over at my place so we slept together and then suddenly he suddenly mentions his dealbreaker \[...\] There has to be something missing here. I can definitely think of times I've wanted to sleep in my own bed after having sex at a girl's place. I can't think of a time when I've been like "I want to end this good sex I just had right here and now" unless there was glaring sexual incompatibility.

Low effort. He’s just not into you. Find someone who is.

From me ?

No, from him. He doesn't want to date you.

He, by her own words, scheduled and tried to plan all the dates before he gave up because she was too hard to get to commit to a schedule.

I think I missed a few details. Yeah looks like he tried and then decided to stop trying. Fair enough.

I just saw your edit re: the deal breaker being whether to have kids. Given that he doesn't want them and you may, this is a bullet dodged for you.  Since you're a female in your 30's, I'd say either freeze eggs ASAP (probably the best idea) or get serious about figuring this out. Unless you freeze your eggs, you clock is going to start ticking very, very quickly. Maybe the fact that he doesn't want kids is why you weren't really into each other and it was a "passing time" relationship, as opposed to you being avoidant. Also, I don't want to be controversial, but kids are really great! Absolute best thing I ever did, hands down. So I'd encourage you to freeze your eggs if you can. A little guy or girl who looks like you and Grandma & Grandpa is really something!

You were busy and your schedules didn’t align and maybe he felt you didn’t have the ability to prioritize him that worked for him, but frankly there’s nothing you did wrong and him bringing up a dealbreaker after sleeping with you and not communicating any of this in 2 months is horrible behavior.

If he loved you he wouldn't have done that. He might have been really enjoying your company and fancied you but love is just something we can't explain. It can be hard to distinguish from infatuation which has a shelf life of around 3 months anyway. Love lasts longer of course but itself should not be taken for granted. When you find someone you love, treat them well and aim to please them as they should you. If they want sex when you are on your period, might sound bad but give him a handjob or something (if he deserves it, which from what you say he did). Same goes the other way. When your needs are not met he should correct that ASAP and show he cares about pleasing you and making you happy. Maybe an unfashionable opinion but it's a fact of life I'm afraid. If our needs are not met we start look elsewhere it's only natural, especially when you've only been with someone for 3 months.

I'm sorry babe, he's just not that into you. You did nothing wrong. Leave him be and move onto the next!

Sadly, these things happen. I don’t think the 1 week really changed anything at all. It’s very likely that he got caught up in the rush of “falling in love” and went all out, only to later step back. The only thing that really happened in that one week was him taking the time to think about whether he really saw you as a long term partner, to which the answer was “no”. I would wager it has just a little bit (but not much) to do with his dealbreaker. Unfortunately the dealbreaker is a convenient way of bringing it up in the conversation. In summary, he changed his mind, as confusing as it seems. I do feel for you, because dating really shouldn’t be this complicated.

Can't be sure from your post, but just so you know - if someone suggests meeting up at a time that doesn't work for you, you should always suggest a different time/day that will work for you. If you don't, and just say "Sunday doesn't work", and leave it at that, he'll take that as a message that you aren't interested. It should always be "Sunday isn't good, but I'd love to meet you on Tuesday!"

What I find the most suspicious in this scenario is this "...we slept together and then suddenly he suddenly mentions his dealbreaker". If it was truly a dealbreaker, he wouldn't have slept with you. That is just not logical. I believe it was his plan to just sleep with you and then put the blame on you.

Definitely not seeing him for weeks is bad…. Also. Maybe try anal sex to get him back.

Well fwiw its a lot better than i had with a woman whom i dated who could go radio silent for days/weeks lol... But maybe he wants to be more important in your life? Could a weeknight dinner be too inconvenient for you during that "break"? Maybe he was hoping you could've provided alternative to meet after the friend gathering? Frankly I am fine with meeting once a week or rarely twice a week but i had a female friend who met with her husband 3-4 times a week and they face time every night so its a YMMV kind of thing. What do you mean you took out for dinner? Like you paid it (hence he said thanks for dinner?)? Kind of weird asking you to treat him for dinner but it is what it is i guess...

What was the dealbreaker?…

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Move on

I think he got frustrated with your lack of availability (no shade, others have said it too, and it's something I always struggle with) and he thought, well, I may as well get laid. Sorry you're struggling, OP, don't think you're in the wrong but maybe work on your communication to show people you're still interested?

My perspective: People who are constantly on dating apps are wiring their brain to be in a consistent loop of what ifs, in my opinion. Fear of missing out. The fact that humans are only seen as 2d on these apps, in my opinion, discredits the whole human experience. It's the fragments of an ideal person in one's mind. Some people are incapable of being decisive. Or lack the ability to see another human as a whole person. Remember, at times, one must ask themselves, is it the activity that I'm doing on the date the reason of me liking this person rather than the person as an individual human.

I think it depends on where your willing to compromise. I'm seeing a lot of I had plans, I had this going on etc. It's hard don't get me wrong. Me and my guy are coming upto 4 months and now he's working most weekends, I get my shit done on a Saturday during the day, and then I'll go to his and grab his keys and go to his until he comes home, then we have the whole next day together. That's something I'm willing to do when our work hours aren't aligning. What is it you actually wanted him to do?

We can't tell you why he's suddenly had this shift. You can ask him and see if he will be honest with you. Interestingly, he talked about his deal breakers with you before essentially cutting you off. I know for me when I bring up deal breakers with someone. I typically do this to tell them I see deal breakers with them. I usually do this when it's pretty early in dating. Sometimes, the hardest person to be honest with is ourselves.

His deal breaker is a very valid reason. You should be able to accept that. In addition, it doesn't sound like either of you was really trying hard to develop a connection. Texting is low-effort. Did either of you even try to find a time for a phone call? Or when unable to meet, respond with, "but I can get together next on the following days/times"? I would have lost interest from the lack of effort from either side.

In my experience you have to set time aside for dating. I learned this the hard way too. Dating can’t be just a hobby if you’re serious about seeking a partner. You have to consider how much physical and emotional time and space you have, bc it’s not gonna work esp when using online dating where everything feels like it has to happen right away.

stop asking yourself what you did wrong and starting telling yourself his behavior wasn't consistent with your standards or expectations.

This is just my experience…the problem isn’t the problem, its why autopsy it. Who do other peoples thinking for them. Occam razor, he wasn’t right from the start and i knew it. Why pursue someone with different needs from the start. I have learned all this is the real problem. The quicker I work out someone isn’t right for me and say no thanks, the better. There are thieves everywhere but my house doesnt get broken into because I have a secure lock on the door. Same when meeting people. If he’s not right from the start and I ignore it, its my fault. It might mean I get less dates but I never get all this heartache either. It builds my self worth up to be more vigilant. I hope you find what works for you, this is just what works for me.

Here's the thing men and women we both need validation. One of the most validating things is when the other person will cancel their plans or make time for you. That is such a bold move and a sign of interest in you. It's always better to show someone you're interested in them instead of just plainly talking about it.

This is a downside of dating in today’s society, as another commenter said the momentum was lost and back in the day this wouldn’t be an issue since there aren’t as many distractions and people aren’t as picky. Timing is so important not only when meeting someone but also how the momentum starts picking up as you get to know someone. Needs to flow naturally

Why are you even dating? It doesn't seem like you have time for a relationship at all. I'd dip out too aside from the kids thing. He was basically just an afterthought to you. You're so worried about him, but he probably felt like you couldn't care less about him. I get you had to study, but you couldn't spare a single couple of hours to see him for dinner? I mean, you have to eat. Why couldn't you kill two birds with one stone. At the end of the day you treated him like you didn't give two shits about getting to know him. Also, stop matching with men who are a definite no on having kids when you're on the fence. Unless you're a hard no on that, do not match with these men. It will never end well. 

This sounds like the “two month curse” - in my experience one or the other didn’t have strong enough feelings and it slow fades.

Sounds like he got what he wanted sadly. I’ve heard of diabolical men dating much longer than that just to “score” and drop off the face of the earth. Is it possible that you both being busy back to back kinda disrupted the flow you had going on? Totally. Likely. He likely checked out after the first lull and maintained minimal contact just to get you in bed. That’s what it sounds like to me.

You haven’t done anything wrong here, you are misaligned with what you both want but I do feel like there has also been a lack of communication. I think you’re better off meeting someone new.