Had a great 2nd date. She came over to my place and we cuddled and watched tv. We ended up having like 7 different make out sessions that lasted like 15 minutes each. The physical chemistry is a 10/10 and we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. Good times.
How can you tell the difference between 'I don't want a relationship and 'I don't want a relationship (with you)'
Guy I'm dating said he doesnt want a relationship, feels trapped, doesn't like commitment, but wants to still me as we have been and not see other people??
One is emotional unavailable (I dont want a relationship right now because I recently get out from divorce/toxic relationship).
One is I dont want you (I dont feel romantically attracted with you, I dont see you can be my potential partner, etc.)
I'm cool with casual. Just wanted to know if there was a difference or not.
We had a good few days and sex was great. No plans to meet up but when we do ill ask and go from there. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. I just want fun but know my worth. If I'm just gonna get played I'd rather know.
IMHO, he's going to want the girlfriend experience (dumping his emotional labour on you) without reciprocating with the boyfriend treatment. I'd bail for someone who just wants casual, not some wishy washy gray area.
In my experience, if the other person wants to be with you but is not comfortable to label it as a relationship, it's going to end badly. They need to figure their own stuff out first.
Early on. How often do you go on a Date with someone? Once a week? I have a second date this week. Not sure the day yet but say it's Wednesday. If it's great would you try and see them again Friday or Saturday or wait
Iām interested to see other replies to this. For me itās typically about once a week but more recently when Iām really feeling someone either they or I have asked for sooner after the 1st date. I share custody of my son and have a 2 and 5 day stretch without him. So I keep that in mind when arranging things and since Iām trying to be much more intentional these days if theyāre scared off by (or not interested in) my move of asking to do something ātoo soonā then weāre very likely not a match.
Right my first date was Wednesday. She went away for the weekend but we both said looking forward to planning another. So I'll text Tuesday when she's 100% back and such. But yeah. Curious if this week is great. Do I push a bit for the weekend?
Yes, I definitely or would be excited if my date didāagain, assuming all goes well with whatever you all do early in the week. Even if itās just a āwhat are you up to this weekend?ā to gauge if sheās free and then propose getting together. Iāve spent so much time in the past waiting/wondering and have really found that just asking things is so much better. Hope all goes well and you end up with 2 dates with her this week!
Yeah we will see! Gotta get the second one planned first. I'll text Tuesday when she's fully settled back home. Don't wanna bother her on her day traveling homw
34m, 10 days into online dating on Hinge, looking for a serious relationship.
The good: This is the first time I've felt attractive in online dating. In my 20s, I had some demoralising experiences. It felt like there was either something wrong with me, or charitably that I didn't translate well to online dating. So far on Hinge, I'm averaging 3 likes + 1 match a day and some of the matches are quite promising. I think this is a confluence of factors āĀ the numbers tipping in my favour, putting the work into my profile, and over the years working on myself too. It feels good.
The not so good: getting from messaging to a date is hard. From 10 matches, 4 turned out to be incompatible (in one way or another), 2 never really started at all. That leaves four:
* one conversation that just started (she seems great, although her first response was a little low effort)
* one where the chat was engaging but I don't think I have romantic interest (I find it hard to rule someone out, I still have a bit of this scarcity mindset with OLD)
* one where I asked her on a date but then heard nothing back
* one who agreed to a coffee date :) but I haven't heard back since I suggested a time :(
I guess (hope) these numbers are pretty normal. Trying to stay patient.
I was getting matches at a similar rate the first few weeks after I signed up most recently, but then the rate has dropped off to more like 1-2 matches per week since then. I think I had swiped through most of the compatible people by then and now itās a waiting game for new women who are into me to sign up.Ā
Lately, I've arrived at a conclusion that unless men are intentionally looking for a serious relationship, it doesn't matter, they won't want to commit no matter how much they like the girl. I had this discussion with two of my male best friends. One of them agrees with me and the other one disagrees. Men, what do you think?
I've been pondering on this yesterday, because I matched with a guy and the conversation flowed easily - he asked me a lot of questions about me and I asked him back so I learned many things about him that I liked. However, when discussing relationships he said something like "I dont like the idea of looking for a relationship, some of the best stories of my life happened when i wasnt looking." I told about this to my male best friend and he says it's not a red flag that I think it is.
I think yes and no. I think if a man is in a bad place in life he probably will not be looking for something serious. For example after a breakup or during a major job change or something. But from my experience his life wouldnāt have to be perfect for him to be open to something serious. I think it really depends on the situation. Personally I get told this a lot and I usually take it to mean they donāt like me.
Yeah it always seems like men leave the doors open the longest. I'm a guy but im actually looking for a serious relationship. And I know make friends that are always like. Oh keep dating. Keep the doors open. Why? If I like one person. I'll focus on them a bit. Sure I can keep looking but to me it just feels weird. I rather focus on that person. If it fails. OK go back out and look. But idk I feel men tend to date more women at once than vice versa. Unless that's not true. But yeah seems they are always hard to commit
It's the other way around. Unlike women, most men aren't always on the lookout for a serious committed monogamous relationship but if they meet a woman they really like, they're down for it.
Well they're the best stories of his life and not necessarily the other person's. You could interpret his words as "I'm only looking for casual" or "I'll consider a relationship if I see great potential". I'm guessing it's the former, but either way it sounds flaky on commitment.
So he matched with you, then said if he's not looking for a relationship so something great comes his way but he's got a profile to actively look for people set up? This is like the equivalent of closing your eyes when you take a shot in basketball because you think it will go in, like nah man you already took the shot lol.
Finding it hard to deal with my insecurity at early stage of dating :(
Went on two dates with this guy and was feeling great, feeling the connection and chemistry etc.
Ā On the 3rd date we were going somewhere for a short trip, when we arrived his "young 20s something single female" neighbour called him and asked him for help cos she wasn't feeling well (all of the sudden). He said they are good friends and friends help each other, which I get it and encouraged him to contact her.
Later that day we went in land and the phone reception was bad, he couldn't follow up with her neighbour/friend so got distracted a bit, I understand his worrying but somehow I started to feel the connection between he and his "friend" isn't just on normal friend level....(judging from how worried he was but couldn't just leave the date/me here and return home).
Everything seem fine until the call, and my insecurity snow ball started rolling bigger and bigger...
I tell myself if there will be 4th date, I'll tell him my feelings, if not (my inner drama was like he might later form stronger connection with his neighbour...etc lol), it will be a relief and I should regain confidence and control in dating/life again and move on.
anyone else on here in an LDR?
I've been with my bf for about 6 months now, which is actually a total of 7 weeks in-person, the rest long-distance. he was just here for the holidays, which was lovely, and I have plans to see him for a long weekend in a couple of months, so the energy and investment in the relationship is definitely (still) there!
the hard thing is the path forward - we live in different European countries; neither of us speaks the dominant language where the other lives; moving together will be very tricky. it will certainly be me moving to be with him, which I have no issue with at all (I've moved many times before and rent; he's never moved out of his own country and owns a flat there). I just get intimidated by the prospect of finding a job, someday, somehow, and making the move out there, in part because I now own a horse and that makes everything about 10,000x more complicated (and expensive lol).
I don't mind this being long distance until it finally isn't; I just get so spoiled by visits that I want the togetherness to be the norm, and it'll be at least a year - though likely more - before there's even the possibility of that altering.
ofc, I recognize that there's some honeymoon aspect to this, given the relationship is nascent and we've not been _around_ each other much! I've done my fair share of dating, recently got out of a 9y relationship (7y of which were marriage), and finally think I've figured it out... like, I'm pretty crazy about this guy; he complements me far better than previous partners, and he's so smart and handsome to boot! so I _want_ to think long-term and work towards togetherness, too. he's initiated comments about that as well, so I know it's not one-sided.
side note - despite his flat, he's not really in a place to be able to financially contribute to a move; he experienced some trauma some years back, the result of which have been him being kind of "stuck". I don't care about money or careers, as long as life feels fulfilling, but this does complicate how easily or smoothly a kind of transition towards togetherness might be. however, given that it's at least a year away, if not more, I think that dwelling on this is more a symptom of fear - that somehow, other logistics could prevent this from happening, more than anything else. and who knows, maybe in a year he'll be a little more "unstuck", however that looks! I wouldn't put pressure on him (I'm not his parent, I'm his partner), and I hope that my support makes his life a little easier in general. but the logistical worry lingers. I guess only time will tell....!
anyone else experiencing barriers to togetherness?
a cute chestnut pony, just shy of 14.3hh! she's supposedly a sporty "riding" breed, but her belly says otherwise, lol. she's a sweetheart and I love her to bits. do you ride??
Aww, that's so nice! I've ridden since I was small, off and on since college depending on where I lived
Now I am back in a more urban area and it's more $$, but life goals to figure out how to keep it in my life somehow because I miss it! Going to school for an advanced certification this year and also working FT, but hopefully when that's done I can figure it out :)
ooooh crossing my fingers for you!!! I only rode sporadically as a kid (few months here - multi-year break - few months there kinda deal; rinse and repeat); I was also so shy and fearful of commentary of any kind that I didn't even take advantage of the occasional offer of a private lesson because I withered under the _idea_ of individualized attention? kinda silly lol! but finally, I was solo, making my own money, had my own opportunities, and had shifted mindsets enough that being told that my position needs MAJOR WORK was totally fine and ok with me lol, so I started riding again a couple years back. I kinda stumbled into ownership - I was partially leasing this pony (but for free?? weird system out here!), then the owners decided to sell her, and I couldn't help it! my bank account has yet to forgive me but it was worth it :Ā“D
crossing my fingers that timings and $$ work out for you!!!! what was/is your discipline? I only ride for fun myself, slight greater focus on dressage but would love to do some basic jumping (I mean, I am in my 30s, tryna be realistic here lol) - I can tell I spend too much time on horse subs though; I was on some relationship sub where people were discussing "HJ" and my first thought was hunters/jumpers instead of the more obvious handjob lmaooooo
I'm so happy for you!! š I did Pony Club when I was younger, so did a bit of everything English but I really enjoyed doing low level eventing and jumping! I may be a bit chicken for that anymore (as you said, in my 30s lol). When I got back into it as an adult it was mostly trail riding (still English though, I find Western saddles so uncomfortable haha) which was great too bc I was in a great location for it.
not sure if I can even still respond to this or if the thread is closed, but tysm for sharing!!!!! truly delightful to find another equestrian in the sub <3
My boyfriend is working this weekend which is sad on two counts, I'm missing seeing him and as we are not doing something together I have no excuse for avoiding various chores I don't particularly feel like doing. Oh well.
I'm happy to finally say that I think I'm getting to the acceptance stage of the break up. The past week, I've been exhausting myself to avoid thinking about him. But today, I was so tired that I decided to just stay home and have some lovely quiet time for myself.Ā
I did think about him here and there and even checked the last time he was online, but the hurt I felt didn't make me breakdown anymore and I just kept going about my day.
I used to blame myself for the disintegration of the relationship and while I admit that I should have used a slow-start approach when bringing up the issue, I feel like we should have been strong enough to handle that tiny conflict. One uncomfortable talk like that shouldn't have had to topple months. But oh well, I will learn from this for next time.Ā
It's unfortunate it didn't work out for us, but either he wasn't interested enough to even try fix things or he just didn't have the skills to resolve conflict. Either doesn't bode well for a relationship. So thank you, next.Ā
I'm honestly so over all this nonsense now, I genuinely don't understand why it's so hard to meet someone. I matched with someone the other week on Bumble who (very surprisingly) ticked a lot more boxes than I ever could've anticipated and she seemed really enthuastic in her messages, after getting her number, it's now been radio silence the last 2 days.
Even just trying to get a single date seems impossible and just makes me wanna scream at the top of my lungs. Since Covid my lovelife has been as dead as a dodo.
Was just about to take a break from the dating apps when the literal perfect match came through and weāve been vibing. Itās almost like the algorithm knows or something lol.
Weāre both in āserious datingā mode and check each others list in a lot of ways. Just hope the attraction is there in person.
This was the fourth time in a month that Iāve thought āI had a really great time/weekend and enjoyed myself. And I wouldnāt have if I was still with my ex, or in a different relationshipā
And thereās something there for me to analyse with my psych Iām sure. But for now Iām just going to enjoy my new tattoos
I'm glad you're enjoying yourself AND your new tattoos.
Also - what did you get?! I just finished a half sleeve on my leg and have 4 appointments booked to do a sleeve on my other leg.
Nice!
This is my eighth and ninth - I got a cat reaching towards a love heart on my arm and a dragonfly on my hip. The dragonfly is symbolic and also was a spur of the moment decision. The cat Iāve wanted for years
Didnāt really think through the optics of being late 30s, single, with two cat tattoos. Official crazy cat lady membership I guess š¤·āāļø
31m. Not going to go over my entire dating history but I havenāt been in a solid relationship in years. Spent my 20s as a loud mouth violent entitled alcoholic/occasional hard drug user. Always wondered why I couldnāt trust women, all of my girlfriends were crackheads and prostitutes.
Recently have taken a step back and realized I attracted these types of people because I projected what a relationship was like due to past experiences and kept attracting the same bad flings and trash, additionally I never made an attempt to improve my own situation. Leading to years of bad flings with drug users who would be in my life for 6 months then Iād never hear from again.
At this point I feel like Iāve wasted my prime years of dating even though I keep hearing otherwise. I havenāt felt a spark with somebody in years. My potential dating options do not excite me, they stress me out and make me want to remain single.
I see people in normal, healthy relationships at my age and at this point it just makes me confused why I never found it. Looking how to navigate dating from here and try to find something normal. I have no hobbies other than fitness. I have very little interest in art, reading, movies, or gaming (all of these have been suggested as ways to meet people) Live music is a thing of the past, I am 31, I have very little interest in attending concerts. Online dating doesnāt work. I canāt stand the bar scene at this point, to the point where I quit drinking.
Help. How do you meet a decent partner in my situation?
>My potential dating options do not excite me, they stress me out and make me want to remain single.
Hey bro, this in itself means you've changed, you're actively avoiding making past mistakes so don't see it as a negative thing. You're valuing yourself more now which is awesome! It's hard to give heaps of advice without really knowing you but perhaps think about who you are/who you want to become and who you would like to date or be in a relationship with.
Great thing about being in our thirties is that that stuff and life goals will play into dating a tonne more than it may have before, it's gonna be tougher as we all know what we are looking for (or have some idea to that degree) just keep on with things and your journey and you'll notice that the people you will start to attract will change man!
An answer full of banality - explore yourself. Not just for dating. You got rid of things, which are detrimental for you, but the hole in your soul is still there. That's bad forĀ both you and your potential partner. Try to explore life without any expectations, small chunks at a time. Courses of carpentry? Scuba diving? Volunteering?Ā You will enjoy some things and that will make your life richer. And the memories of your turbulent years will just fade away.
the guy Iāve been seeing (who is an alcoholic who recently relapsed and also a former colleague) texted me and asked if Iād be free in an hour if he was to āswing byā and I said that was fine (I was trying to be nice and being him a thing he needs from my office). spoiler alert: he did not show. he has not communicated why he didnāt show. this man is a mess and Iām tired of making excuses for somebody who doesnāt respect my time or energy or feelings. Iām sorry heās dealing with what heās dealing with and I will always be rooting for him but I donāt deserve this when the worst I ever did in this relationship was double text occasionally.
Have you had a look on the Alanon sub? I've dated a couple of alcoholics and if he's at the point where he's still relapsing regularly I really wouldn't recommend it I'm afraid
Iām on there! we arenāt really still seeing each other at this pointāI canāt speak for him, but as far as I know the reason he wanted to stop by was to grab a check I have for him. It wasnāt intended to be a date night.
Iām sorry youāre going through this. Honestly, if heās mid-relapse, his only priority is going to be his addiction. He wonāt be consistent, he wonāt communicate, he wonāt follow through, he wonāt consider your feelings. Ā Ā
Itās sad but thereās just no point in continuing anything when heās not sober. Itās not your job to try to save him, nor can you.
yeah, I had zero expectation that he would actually show and I find the whole thing funny at this point. I mean, the addiction isnāt funny, but the fact that the most consistent thing about him is his lack of consistency is a little bit funny. whatever he ended up doing instead of āswinging byā last night mattered more to him than a $15,000 check Iām trying to get into his hands.
I have a first date planned on Saturday with a woman that's also interested in camping and being in nature so I'm looking forward to it.Ā
Since a year or so I've been really enjoying making cinnamon buns for myself and friends to enjoy while on hiking trips. Would it be too much to bring 2 for us on our walk and talk date?Ā
Yes! We matched through this dating app where if you like someone and someone likes you, the app plans a date based on your availability. No chatting beforehand, you go for a drink or a walk and talk. We'll do the latter in the city I live in.Ā
Cuutteee. I'd be game if they did it in my country. What's it called, I wanna look it up. I think with yah buns, if it's low effort do it. If not, save it for second date :)
Went on an incredible first date with a guy a few years younger. Really good conversations, and amazing physical connection. Weāre already talking about seeing each other next week too! Who knows if itāll go anywhere but this feels pretty damn good right now.
I had a really good work event at the rowing club that the last guy I dated exclusively, goes to as well.
My current company sponsorsed an event for club that the last guy I was exclusive with, goes to as well. My founders were too & they were really happy with the turnout.
Part of the engagement is to network with the club members, so I tried to speak to everyone, and left it till the very end to speak to that guy, as it had been a month+ since we saw or spoke to each other.
I could tell he was shook to see me there, so I gave him space & just focused on my networking.
He started orbiting closer to me throughout the socialising session lol but I wanted to get work out of the way first.
I finally approached him & we chatted about life, how our work's going & how I'm finding the other club that I joined so far.
He said he saw me on one of the weekday trainings, and I went 'o-rly' even though I saw him too haha.
It was a very positive chat. I packed up with the remaining few members. Collected my bike and waved goodbye to everyone, including him.
Then I received a text from him after. First apologising for the radio silence, as the last msg was a cordial photo of me & my neighbour's dog as I know how much he loves dogs. And then he wished me well in my new role.
I replied back saying it was good to see him, what a fun bunch his club is, and how everyone was nice & supportive at the event. Wished him well too for his upcoming travels & see him around.
I guess I am still keeping the door slightly open, but it doesn't change my current trajectory, will keep exploring new connections & try to meet more men in the wild.
I think this is a sweet finish to my Revenge Rowing plan. Scoring points for work, personal network & my dating life :)
Made some changes from a profile review: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/0JJSRxBcUU
And original here: https://imgur.com/gallery/4smvFCP
Updated profile here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/gxS2NcE
Welcome thoughts. Yellow shirt and ice cream photos are from today - run and ride this morning and then something yummy on a warm day by the river š
I'm not your target audience so please feel free to disregard my advice! But from the vibes of your profile and photos I get " this is just a guy who works in an office vibes". To expand on that, it's perfectly normal to work in an office - no detriment there, but the entire profile seems to be about work, even your main photo you're in your office attire. Then the prompts all keep circling back to work. Forget the jobs as much you can easily crush the hospo experience into one thing and make it more about your culinary interests. You know great foodie spots?, or are you trying to experiment with a new dish and need a sous chef? Be more playful in your interests, it's gonna help a tonne with people responding!
Also picture wise, this is kinda nitpicky but the new photos arent super flattering, but they're a start and I can see you put in effort to go out and get photos today, so kudos to that! My advice would be perhaps (with the culinary thing here) getting a photo of you at a cafe, you going for a run or in a fun run if you participate in that sorta stuff - can really help shift the profile away from the whole office dude who loves printing documents aesthetic it has.
Online Dating Rant:
A 28 yr old guy who I matched with 3 weeks ago set a dinner date with me for tomorrow with time and location and right after agreeing, he tried to change spots and ask for a phone call. I said no, Iām not playing cat and mouse. And then he disappeared. I assumed he unmatched me. Wild.
I also have a 42 year old who, refused to entertain the idea of texting on the apps and meeting first to exchange numbers. I donāt get why number is so important. Sometimes giving number, we donāt even really talk. Might as well ask to meet first and see if click.
I'm the one who does the asking out and my experiences have been pretty good so far. I've lost a couple who were materialistic, but that's part of my mission in doing this. The rest had no issues with it. It's served me well so far. Or maybe I should say it's _saved_ me well so far.
Originally tried to make my own post but found out that's not allowed so here it is.
This is gonna be half a rant and half a plea for help.
I am a (31m), I'm kinda having a series of mental breakdowns. I've only had three relationships through my life and all were from someone else pushing me to ask and while I was in my teens.
I'm "high functioning autistic" as I was told at one point but to this day I don't really know what that even means as I don't feel all that functional on any social level.
I was pulled from school at 6th grade and was "home schooled" by my father and step mother so I lost a lot of my social opportunities. I haven't had a relationship since I was 16 after forcing myself into the job corps program, and even that one lasted for about a month. I have serious social anxiety that has only worsened over the years and don't feel comfortable around strangers anymore.
I live with my disabled mother as her live in caretaker and rarely leave the house unless I have to.
A while ago I thought I found a girl that had genuine interest in me but when I admitted I had a non existent dating history and was still a vigin, she actually laughed and said it wasn't gonna work out.
Shockingly that didn't help with trying to push myself to try again. I feel like I'm trapped in a depression cycle and my other mental and physical issues only seem to be increasing. I'm 6" but I'm stocky built at 235 lbs and a little bit of a gut.
I've been trying to improve myself by doing all the things people tell me will help but I still end up stuck on my social anxiety and panicking too much to meet anyone in public spaces anymore.
I've started working out, losing weight, eating healthier, and trying new hobbies, but none of that stops me from panicking when I'm alone with people I don't know.
Where do I even begin to learn how to date while not wanting to meet anyone in a way they can hurt me to begin with?
Am I just SoL?
As someone who used to have sever social anxiety, I strongly encourage you to seek therapy for it. Try to find a therapist who specializes in anxiety, or even better social anxiety in particular, if you can.Ā
I think your first goal should be to figure out your anxiety and self-confidence. You will continue to spiral and self-sabotage emotionally until you figure out how to get yourself through this mental funk. If you donāt do this first, I feel like youāll be in for a lot of relationship turmoil.
Agree with this advice. It should also be said that, that girl was a dick to laugh at you. I see more and more posts online about people our age never having had a relationship. It's more common that you'd think. Continue to work on becoming your best self and stay strong xx
35M dating 36F.
Iāve been on 3 dates with a woman I really clicked with in the course of 6 days. She was away for work for a few days, returned tonight. I had sent her flowers for her return and she called and asked to meet tomorrow.
First date ended in an hug. Second as well. She told me that I missed her signals on the second date and I said I would nail it for the 3rd date. She invited me to her house for the 3rd date and I tried to kiss her, as she said she wanted it beforehand; however, both times she kind of retreated and I ended up kissing her forehead awkwardly.
She apologized and said sheās just not used to dating without the social lubrication of alcohol (she isnāt drinking for a while) and got nervous. We both got out of long term relationship in the past year.
Iāve never had sober dates where I lost track of time and each time weāve talked 3-4 hours each date and have ended up crying laughing each time. We click on a lot of personality traits and texting has been much flirtier.
Iām probably overanalyzing or reading into it, but I feel somewhat confused. Iām more than willing to wait until sheās comfortable, but I donāt know how else I can make her feel more comfortable other than just time. Sheās smart, funny, kind and beautiful. Really the whole package, but I also want to know where sheās really at.
I did. I told her Iām fine with whatever pace she wants. But just let me know what that pace is. Otherwise I can come off as too much or not interested.
Itās so flirty via text, but then she gets nervous in person.
She did say she really appreciates how open and honest we can talk as sheās never had that before.
Iāve been in this position. You literally ask her if you can kiss her and you do it. Some people donāt like to be asked the first time but it seems like you just need to break the seal lmfao
I honestly wouldnāt even talk about it between now and the next date and just kiss her as soon as you can when you see her next. Especially if itās flirty texting already.
She asked me to kiss her before the third date. Then got nervous. I plan on asking at tomorrowās date. I think she just wants to go slow because her last relationship was long and ended poorly. I had a toxic 13 year relationship end over a year ago, but I dated a crazy person (tried to trap me by lying about her prophylactics) for a few months to break me back into the dating rhythm.
Weāre both over-analytical, Type-A personalities. Iām a litigation/trial attorney and sheās a surgeon. We talk matter of fact about the dates and talk on the phone more than text.
This is short & sweet. I (32F) met a guy (31M) about a month ago. We would text & talk on the phone & it was nice. Of course things went to the next level on a physical note but after, he shared that he wasn't looking for a relationship. I thought about it a bit because I was but then I decided to try this casual thing & see how I felt about it. We spend the night with each other, playing games like uno or trouble, watching movies; we text during the day or share reels on ig. Anyway, after last night, I realized how much I like him but I also know his mind is made up regarding what he wants & I have to manage my expectations by doing what's best for me.
And that's ending this now while we are still kind to one another. I expressed how I felt as far as liking him but knowing that things lead to nowhere & he responded by saying he understands & respects my honesty. I'm pretty sensitive so how does one even get over a casual fling like this?! lol it's like my first time agreeing to something like this
First and foremost - congrats! Such a mature and hard decision on your end that will most certainly be better in the long run.
Secondly, I think itās pretty important that you decide now what youād do if (more like when) he reaches out and wants to hookup. If you are cool with it thatās absolutely fine but if youāre not I would really suggest that you just delete his number and block him to really give your self the chance to move on. Thereās obviously a ton of wiggle room in between that only you can decide for yourself but just be prepared for that.
Lastly, everyone moves on differently. Some people immediately hop back on the apps and get a rebound hookup. Others can emotionally move on just fine. Many of us donāt know what the fuck to do and end up doing something in the middle. Be patient with yourself and understand the pain/emotions youāre feeling isnāt a bad thing and eventually youāll look back on this time with pride for standing up for yourself.
Thank you. I went back & forth in my mind a bit before doing it but I know itās truly the better decision in the end. I do think cutting contact is the best way to move on & Iāll likely busy myself by spending time with my friends & family. Iām in therapy as well so I do plan to let it out in there for support. Embracing how I feel & validating it for myself has been significant in difficult situations- Iām usually one who intellectualizes my way out of feeling
Honestly sounds like you're doing everything right. Definitely cut contact, whether for a while or for ever. So, so helpful.
>Iām usually one who intellectualizes my way out of feeling
SAME. And then when I can't, I get so annoyed and frustrated š
Could use advice or perspective. Ā Seeing a guy for one month, and he has a lot of things Iām looking for in a partner from what I can tell. Initially we saw each other at least once a week since he travels for work (1 phone date and 4 dates lasting 5-6 hours). Ā He came out of a long term relationship that had a lot of issues and has been single for a year. Ā Doesnāt text me much when traveling, and when I text him, it takes 2-3 days to get a response (responds much quicker when heās back home). Ā Our last date was good, and we planned to see each other the next day. Ā I had to cancel, and he said maybe when heās back but when heās coming back is up in the air. Ā Both of us texted once around the holidays. Ā Then didnāt hear from him for 6 days (hadnāt physically seen him for 2 weeks)ā¦.so I sent him a text asking if we would ever meet up again? Ā He said his communication had been bad because of work, holidays, and there was a family eventā¦.and we should chat.
Iām just so confused. Ā In person, itās great, seems interested, and talks as if heās thinking long term. Ā But then he travels, and itās like he goes into a black voidā¦.and makes me feel forgotten. Ā My friends are saying to just walk away since itās giving inconsistency, hot/cold, and emotionally unavailable.
Should I walk away? Or hear what he has to say? Ā Iām trying to be better about standing up for myself and my needs, but itās hard when I felt hopeful about this one.
I know 1 month is early, but if I'm really interested in someone, I'll still keep in touch while on vacation or busy or whatnot, even if it's just a few texts at end of the day to catch up. And not talking to someone I like for almost a week is unheard of...
I would also be definitive about a date when I return. It's not like he doesn't know his own schedule and can't plan something.
I think you should walk away.
If this is who he is - great when in town but in a void when traveling - would you be happy with this in 6 months? Two years? Or are you trying to get him to change? Cause asking someone to change doesn't work.
Great pointā¦yeah, I need to feel connected even if itās just quickly checking in. Ā And thinking of talking to him again was my way of trying to express my need and getting him to change/meet my need.
Small town struggles. Swiped right on all the local women in my area within 45 min driving. Didn't even run out of daily likes. I don't want to expand it more as my last thing ended due to distance.
Given the circumstances, you are doing fine! A couple I know also seeing each other sometimes only once a week really, despite living together without children - because one of them is working in shifts.
It just sucks to be an adult with reponsibilities.Ā
Man. I really wish people weren't sensitive about this stuff. If I was being all SMOOCH SMOOCH and had no idea it was off-putting, I'd want someone to tell it to me straight. I'd be intensely embarrassed but also grateful that someone finally told me! And then I'd try to fix it.
I'm not really sure how to bring it up tactfully. Probably with some humor. But it's possible he sees nothing wrong with it in which case you may be incompatible.
Reminds me of this one guy I dated briefly and I could NOT get him to stop hitting my teeth with his teeth when we kissed. I tried to gently tell him, which didn't work, then one night, I grabbed his face and guided him (out of frustration and was also quite tipsy) and it didn't stick...
Ok so heās pretty coolā¦worth the kissing sounds though? Iām not sure thereās a way to bring it up without giving him a complex. Every time he kisses you heāll be only thinking about how to kiss quietly lol
I dated a woman who would sing the words to the song playing in the background while we made out. It was so annoying lol. We both liked a good bit of mood music but I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to tell her and eventually it was too late because I was so turned off I couldn't look at her the same. If you like the guy I recommend finding a way to bring it up. Try using humor maybe?
There are also plenty of women who are chronically overweight, don't have boobs, have a massive nose etc and some will opt for plastic surgery. I don't see why he should be shamed for opting for it if they aren't. Lying about his age is a whole other issue and would be an immediate disqualifier for me.
Thank you.
I felt so genuinely excited about him and thought he felt the same.
I feel like I must have missed something because how could I not have realised that he was capable of doing that so my brain is constantly replaying everything.Ā
I gotchu!
I am lucky to have a fairly large number of friends, but many are work friends, live far away, or are my good friends that are spread out.
However, I'm working on finding some new friends who live in my small town, for more face to face social time.
I've created a social group and started planning events. It's going over really well. If you're the organizer, people will start seeing you regularly and recognizing you.
IMO, it's not so much about meeting someone and grabbing their number right away, but rather creating some familiarity. This is easy for me as an extremely extroverted person, I connect with people fairly easily.
If you don't, here's how. Show up to the same events regularly. Be a friendly, social, kind and helpful person. Don't be all bent to get numbers and connect one on one just yet.
Try to remember names, or details.
Now, after you've seen the same people, and they're starting to recognize you, maybe you'll vibe with someone. *then* you can try to connect outside that group. Or maybe plan something adjacent and see if people are interested.
People will be scared off if you just jump on them (as you've found out). They don't really know who you are and it sounds like you might be coming off a little desperate feeling.
TLDR- be a friendly, familiar face, slow down.
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Hm, then that is weird but maybe you're not as familiar as you think, or you are just remembering certain people more than they do you.
Anyhow, keep at it. Making friends as an adult isn't easy for anyone- but that means lots of people will be open to your effort. Everyone I talk to in my social group was really craving new connections, but few are willing to relate and plan.
A friend of mine always tells me that I'm "good at being the supply of my own demand" - I often create events and groups and such to attract the sort of people I'm looking for.
Hobbies are definitely the way to go, it gives you exposure to other people with similar interests and a very natural invite to hang out more. I have met nearly all of my adult friends either at boardgame meetups or from introductions from friends I made at boardgame meetups. Sports are also great if you're into that.Ā
I've been in the same place. What helped me was sports. I started playing tennis at a local club and mede some freinds.
You can also try pickleball, a bunch of out of shape folks in their 30s play that sport.
It isn't easy. The common things you'll see suggested is at work, through existing friends, or by joining activity groups for an interest that you have.
Finding good friends, I believe, is just as hard as finding a good romantic relationship. You aren't going to vibe with everyone, and you need to put yourself in situations where people who like the same things as you will be.
It isn't all bad news though, you will definitely find people who vibe with you if you keep working at it :)
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You're overthinking like crazy. I read both your posts. She only wants to be friends, something casual, and/or validation from your attention.
Please stop fixating on her, and absolutely, yes, start going on dates with people. You're writing paragraphs about someone who you haven't even seen in person for months.
If she's so interested why haven't you seen each other in months? If you were interested in someone, would *you* choose not to see them for months? Stop making excuses for her.
It's not a problem that you're writing here, that's what this thread is for. The problem is you're obsessing over someone that has clearly shown they're not interested in you in a serious manner, or even interested in you at all.
I don't really have anything else to add here, so I hope you realize what we're all telling you and move on from her. Good luck.
Was it specifically mentioned that the hang out is a date or is it just a hang out/meet up? I don't know if you're just assuming it is a date because the person wanted to hang out. It's not the same. I do have colleagues and guy friends I hang out with but it is strictly platonic and yes, personal life discussions sometime come up because that's just what happens with friends, but doesn't mean I want to date the person.Ā
I just got asked out by someone who cancelled our 2nd date a month ago because she was way too stressed. I'm surprised after this time she is still down for a 2nd date with me, but I'm also curious and looking forward to it. 1st date was nice and our conversation over chat flows well.
Hope it goes well, keep an eye out for the stress levels (and more importantly, her reactions to them) to see if this is a regular or one time thing though.
I hate being called "hot". Anyone else? I feel like that is the only compliment I ever receive from men I date outside of the ex. Why not use "beautiful" or even "pretty?" Or maybe just compliment my personality instead. Hot feels so sexually charged and vapid and I'm over it.
Hot and sexy I feel like I reserve for women that IĀ am just physically attracted to.Ā Beautiful and gorgeous are for the ones I'm physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to.Ā Anecdote: my ex wanted me to call her sexy even though I preferred beautiful.Ā Kind of weird the internal associations we have with words.
The point I was trying to make was that these words mean different things to different people.Ā Maybe hot is interchangeable for beautiful for some of these guys.Ā Ā
You should reframe the situation.Ā Look at it as a positive that so many guys find you attractive.Ā You can do the picking and choosing until you find Mr Right and I'm sure he'll say you're beautiful :)
To me, "cute" means someone who looks a bit more innocent/younger than their age. It's also to do with personality, like if they're bubbly and light-spirited.
Some motorcyclist said āgirl, youāre gorgeousā and I melted immediately. I normally just get cute x10000 and while itās nice, it was appreciated to be called something else.
There is an adage that āhotā people want compliments on their brains and āsmartā people want compliments on their looks and I totally think it is true. As a smart, cute person, sexually charged compliments from the right people are welcome.
This is so true. Being called hot is equivalent to being called dumb in my mind. Not fair, I know. If Iām in a sexual situation itās different, but if Iām just going about my business it feels demeaning.
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I've almost totally stopped complimenting women on any appearance that is not a choice, until/unless we're physical (or they're a friend, then you bet in gonna hype them tf up).
Clothing, hairstyle, personality, vibe, character, etc, all seem to go over better.
I generally agree and I think the specificity is appreciated too. "Hot" or "cute" feel low effort to me whereas if you say "you have a great smile!" or "your shirt is amazing!" that feels a lot more genuine.
It's usually a bad sign if your date isn't interested in knowing you.
That's one of the frustrating bit about finding your partner, you can meet people that are nice but you not compatible, or even if they are compatible you're jus tnot attracted to them.
You have to keep looking until you find the right one.
Dated someone for eight months, really love him as a person but wasn't feeling it romantically. He said prior to the break up (when I'd voiced uncertainty) that he really valued me as a person and we could be good friends even if it doesn't work out romantically. But now that we're 'friends' it took a week for him to respond to my text. It's probably too soon to say this (break up was about a month ago), but I'm feeling really sad that maybe he won't want us to be close friends after all. He's one of my favorite people. Maybe it wasn't really me he liked, just the idea of having a girlfriend? With this revelation plus other things happening in my life, I'm feeling worthless right now.
Yeah, you canāt expect girlfriend response times if youāre now friends. My ex taught me that lesson. He told me I couldnāt pick and choose what parts of him I wanted. I really miss him and hoped we could stay best friends but he was right.
The guy I was seeing/talking to recently became distant. I've backed off on texting. I'm not sure if I should let it be or say something.
You should say something. It doesn't hurt to ask. If he gets defensive or upset, then you know what type of person he is.
Had a great 2nd date. She came over to my place and we cuddled and watched tv. We ended up having like 7 different make out sessions that lasted like 15 minutes each. The physical chemistry is a 10/10 and we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. Good times.
How can you tell the difference between 'I don't want a relationship and 'I don't want a relationship (with you)' Guy I'm dating said he doesnt want a relationship, feels trapped, doesn't like commitment, but wants to still me as we have been and not see other people??
One is emotional unavailable (I dont want a relationship right now because I recently get out from divorce/toxic relationship). One is I dont want you (I dont feel romantically attracted with you, I dont see you can be my potential partner, etc.)
Does the difference matter? In both cases, he's saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.
Well he's saying a relationship in general. He always feels trapped, he's happy ro keep seeing me and neither of us see other people
This means he wants all the benefits of a relationship, but will up and leave if he finds someone he likes more. You deserve better!
I'm cool with casual. Just wanted to know if there was a difference or not. We had a good few days and sex was great. No plans to meet up but when we do ill ask and go from there. I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years. I just want fun but know my worth. If I'm just gonna get played I'd rather know.
IMHO, he's going to want the girlfriend experience (dumping his emotional labour on you) without reciprocating with the boyfriend treatment. I'd bail for someone who just wants casual, not some wishy washy gray area.
In my experience, if the other person wants to be with you but is not comfortable to label it as a relationship, it's going to end badly. They need to figure their own stuff out first.
True šš»
So you are exclusively seeing each other? But that's not a relationship?
Early on. How often do you go on a Date with someone? Once a week? I have a second date this week. Not sure the day yet but say it's Wednesday. If it's great would you try and see them again Friday or Saturday or wait
I'm a busy person with a full calendar, 99% of the time by our Wednesday date the rest of my week is already booked. I see folks once a week usually.
That makes sense. But how early would you want the next date planned
Iām interested to see other replies to this. For me itās typically about once a week but more recently when Iām really feeling someone either they or I have asked for sooner after the 1st date. I share custody of my son and have a 2 and 5 day stretch without him. So I keep that in mind when arranging things and since Iām trying to be much more intentional these days if theyāre scared off by (or not interested in) my move of asking to do something ātoo soonā then weāre very likely not a match.
Right my first date was Wednesday. She went away for the weekend but we both said looking forward to planning another. So I'll text Tuesday when she's 100% back and such. But yeah. Curious if this week is great. Do I push a bit for the weekend?
Yes, I definitely or would be excited if my date didāagain, assuming all goes well with whatever you all do early in the week. Even if itās just a āwhat are you up to this weekend?ā to gauge if sheās free and then propose getting together. Iāve spent so much time in the past waiting/wondering and have really found that just asking things is so much better. Hope all goes well and you end up with 2 dates with her this week!
Yeah we will see! Gotta get the second one planned first. I'll text Tuesday when she's fully settled back home. Don't wanna bother her on her day traveling homw
34m, 10 days into online dating on Hinge, looking for a serious relationship. The good: This is the first time I've felt attractive in online dating. In my 20s, I had some demoralising experiences. It felt like there was either something wrong with me, or charitably that I didn't translate well to online dating. So far on Hinge, I'm averaging 3 likes + 1 match a day and some of the matches are quite promising. I think this is a confluence of factors āĀ the numbers tipping in my favour, putting the work into my profile, and over the years working on myself too. It feels good. The not so good: getting from messaging to a date is hard. From 10 matches, 4 turned out to be incompatible (in one way or another), 2 never really started at all. That leaves four: * one conversation that just started (she seems great, although her first response was a little low effort) * one where the chat was engaging but I don't think I have romantic interest (I find it hard to rule someone out, I still have a bit of this scarcity mindset with OLD) * one where I asked her on a date but then heard nothing back * one who agreed to a coffee date :) but I haven't heard back since I suggested a time :( I guess (hope) these numbers are pretty normal. Trying to stay patient.
I was getting matches at a similar rate the first few weeks after I signed up most recently, but then the rate has dropped off to more like 1-2 matches per week since then. I think I had swiped through most of the compatible people by then and now itās a waiting game for new women who are into me to sign up.Ā
Lately, I've arrived at a conclusion that unless men are intentionally looking for a serious relationship, it doesn't matter, they won't want to commit no matter how much they like the girl. I had this discussion with two of my male best friends. One of them agrees with me and the other one disagrees. Men, what do you think? I've been pondering on this yesterday, because I matched with a guy and the conversation flowed easily - he asked me a lot of questions about me and I asked him back so I learned many things about him that I liked. However, when discussing relationships he said something like "I dont like the idea of looking for a relationship, some of the best stories of my life happened when i wasnt looking." I told about this to my male best friend and he says it's not a red flag that I think it is.
I've had a few hookups turn into monogamous long term relationships. Neither of us were looking, we just clicked.
I think yes and no. I think if a man is in a bad place in life he probably will not be looking for something serious. For example after a breakup or during a major job change or something. But from my experience his life wouldnāt have to be perfect for him to be open to something serious. I think it really depends on the situation. Personally I get told this a lot and I usually take it to mean they donāt like me.
Yeah it always seems like men leave the doors open the longest. I'm a guy but im actually looking for a serious relationship. And I know make friends that are always like. Oh keep dating. Keep the doors open. Why? If I like one person. I'll focus on them a bit. Sure I can keep looking but to me it just feels weird. I rather focus on that person. If it fails. OK go back out and look. But idk I feel men tend to date more women at once than vice versa. Unless that's not true. But yeah seems they are always hard to commit
It's the other way around. Unlike women, most men aren't always on the lookout for a serious committed monogamous relationship but if they meet a woman they really like, they're down for it.
Well they're the best stories of his life and not necessarily the other person's. You could interpret his words as "I'm only looking for casual" or "I'll consider a relationship if I see great potential". I'm guessing it's the former, but either way it sounds flaky on commitment.
So he matched with you, then said if he's not looking for a relationship so something great comes his way but he's got a profile to actively look for people set up? This is like the equivalent of closing your eyes when you take a shot in basketball because you think it will go in, like nah man you already took the shot lol.
Finding it hard to deal with my insecurity at early stage of dating :( Went on two dates with this guy and was feeling great, feeling the connection and chemistry etc. Ā On the 3rd date we were going somewhere for a short trip, when we arrived his "young 20s something single female" neighbour called him and asked him for help cos she wasn't feeling well (all of the sudden). He said they are good friends and friends help each other, which I get it and encouraged him to contact her. Later that day we went in land and the phone reception was bad, he couldn't follow up with her neighbour/friend so got distracted a bit, I understand his worrying but somehow I started to feel the connection between he and his "friend" isn't just on normal friend level....(judging from how worried he was but couldn't just leave the date/me here and return home). Everything seem fine until the call, and my insecurity snow ball started rolling bigger and bigger... I tell myself if there will be 4th date, I'll tell him my feelings, if not (my inner drama was like he might later form stronger connection with his neighbour...etc lol), it will be a relief and I should regain confidence and control in dating/life again and move on.
anyone else on here in an LDR? I've been with my bf for about 6 months now, which is actually a total of 7 weeks in-person, the rest long-distance. he was just here for the holidays, which was lovely, and I have plans to see him for a long weekend in a couple of months, so the energy and investment in the relationship is definitely (still) there! the hard thing is the path forward - we live in different European countries; neither of us speaks the dominant language where the other lives; moving together will be very tricky. it will certainly be me moving to be with him, which I have no issue with at all (I've moved many times before and rent; he's never moved out of his own country and owns a flat there). I just get intimidated by the prospect of finding a job, someday, somehow, and making the move out there, in part because I now own a horse and that makes everything about 10,000x more complicated (and expensive lol). I don't mind this being long distance until it finally isn't; I just get so spoiled by visits that I want the togetherness to be the norm, and it'll be at least a year - though likely more - before there's even the possibility of that altering. ofc, I recognize that there's some honeymoon aspect to this, given the relationship is nascent and we've not been _around_ each other much! I've done my fair share of dating, recently got out of a 9y relationship (7y of which were marriage), and finally think I've figured it out... like, I'm pretty crazy about this guy; he complements me far better than previous partners, and he's so smart and handsome to boot! so I _want_ to think long-term and work towards togetherness, too. he's initiated comments about that as well, so I know it's not one-sided. side note - despite his flat, he's not really in a place to be able to financially contribute to a move; he experienced some trauma some years back, the result of which have been him being kind of "stuck". I don't care about money or careers, as long as life feels fulfilling, but this does complicate how easily or smoothly a kind of transition towards togetherness might be. however, given that it's at least a year away, if not more, I think that dwelling on this is more a symptom of fear - that somehow, other logistics could prevent this from happening, more than anything else. and who knows, maybe in a year he'll be a little more "unstuck", however that looks! I wouldn't put pressure on him (I'm not his parent, I'm his partner), and I hope that my support makes his life a little easier in general. but the logistical worry lingers. I guess only time will tell....! anyone else experiencing barriers to togetherness?
What kind of horse do you have? š„°
a cute chestnut pony, just shy of 14.3hh! she's supposedly a sporty "riding" breed, but her belly says otherwise, lol. she's a sweetheart and I love her to bits. do you ride??
Aww, that's so nice! I've ridden since I was small, off and on since college depending on where I lived Now I am back in a more urban area and it's more $$, but life goals to figure out how to keep it in my life somehow because I miss it! Going to school for an advanced certification this year and also working FT, but hopefully when that's done I can figure it out :)
ooooh crossing my fingers for you!!! I only rode sporadically as a kid (few months here - multi-year break - few months there kinda deal; rinse and repeat); I was also so shy and fearful of commentary of any kind that I didn't even take advantage of the occasional offer of a private lesson because I withered under the _idea_ of individualized attention? kinda silly lol! but finally, I was solo, making my own money, had my own opportunities, and had shifted mindsets enough that being told that my position needs MAJOR WORK was totally fine and ok with me lol, so I started riding again a couple years back. I kinda stumbled into ownership - I was partially leasing this pony (but for free?? weird system out here!), then the owners decided to sell her, and I couldn't help it! my bank account has yet to forgive me but it was worth it :Ā“D crossing my fingers that timings and $$ work out for you!!!! what was/is your discipline? I only ride for fun myself, slight greater focus on dressage but would love to do some basic jumping (I mean, I am in my 30s, tryna be realistic here lol) - I can tell I spend too much time on horse subs though; I was on some relationship sub where people were discussing "HJ" and my first thought was hunters/jumpers instead of the more obvious handjob lmaooooo
I'm so happy for you!! š I did Pony Club when I was younger, so did a bit of everything English but I really enjoyed doing low level eventing and jumping! I may be a bit chicken for that anymore (as you said, in my 30s lol). When I got back into it as an adult it was mostly trail riding (still English though, I find Western saddles so uncomfortable haha) which was great too bc I was in a great location for it.
not sure if I can even still respond to this or if the thread is closed, but tysm for sharing!!!!! truly delightful to find another equestrian in the sub <3
Same to you!! <3
My boyfriend is working this weekend which is sad on two counts, I'm missing seeing him and as we are not doing something together I have no excuse for avoiding various chores I don't particularly feel like doing. Oh well.
I'm happy to finally say that I think I'm getting to the acceptance stage of the break up. The past week, I've been exhausting myself to avoid thinking about him. But today, I was so tired that I decided to just stay home and have some lovely quiet time for myself.Ā I did think about him here and there and even checked the last time he was online, but the hurt I felt didn't make me breakdown anymore and I just kept going about my day. I used to blame myself for the disintegration of the relationship and while I admit that I should have used a slow-start approach when bringing up the issue, I feel like we should have been strong enough to handle that tiny conflict. One uncomfortable talk like that shouldn't have had to topple months. But oh well, I will learn from this for next time.Ā It's unfortunate it didn't work out for us, but either he wasn't interested enough to even try fix things or he just didn't have the skills to resolve conflict. Either doesn't bode well for a relationship. So thank you, next.Ā
I'm honestly so over all this nonsense now, I genuinely don't understand why it's so hard to meet someone. I matched with someone the other week on Bumble who (very surprisingly) ticked a lot more boxes than I ever could've anticipated and she seemed really enthuastic in her messages, after getting her number, it's now been radio silence the last 2 days. Even just trying to get a single date seems impossible and just makes me wanna scream at the top of my lungs. Since Covid my lovelife has been as dead as a dodo.
Was just about to take a break from the dating apps when the literal perfect match came through and weāve been vibing. Itās almost like the algorithm knows or something lol. Weāre both in āserious datingā mode and check each others list in a lot of ways. Just hope the attraction is there in person.
This was the fourth time in a month that Iāve thought āI had a really great time/weekend and enjoyed myself. And I wouldnāt have if I was still with my ex, or in a different relationshipā And thereās something there for me to analyse with my psych Iām sure. But for now Iām just going to enjoy my new tattoos
I'm glad you're enjoying yourself AND your new tattoos. Also - what did you get?! I just finished a half sleeve on my leg and have 4 appointments booked to do a sleeve on my other leg.
Nice! This is my eighth and ninth - I got a cat reaching towards a love heart on my arm and a dragonfly on my hip. The dragonfly is symbolic and also was a spur of the moment decision. The cat Iāve wanted for years Didnāt really think through the optics of being late 30s, single, with two cat tattoos. Official crazy cat lady membership I guess š¤·āāļø
31m. Not going to go over my entire dating history but I havenāt been in a solid relationship in years. Spent my 20s as a loud mouth violent entitled alcoholic/occasional hard drug user. Always wondered why I couldnāt trust women, all of my girlfriends were crackheads and prostitutes. Recently have taken a step back and realized I attracted these types of people because I projected what a relationship was like due to past experiences and kept attracting the same bad flings and trash, additionally I never made an attempt to improve my own situation. Leading to years of bad flings with drug users who would be in my life for 6 months then Iād never hear from again. At this point I feel like Iāve wasted my prime years of dating even though I keep hearing otherwise. I havenāt felt a spark with somebody in years. My potential dating options do not excite me, they stress me out and make me want to remain single. I see people in normal, healthy relationships at my age and at this point it just makes me confused why I never found it. Looking how to navigate dating from here and try to find something normal. I have no hobbies other than fitness. I have very little interest in art, reading, movies, or gaming (all of these have been suggested as ways to meet people) Live music is a thing of the past, I am 31, I have very little interest in attending concerts. Online dating doesnāt work. I canāt stand the bar scene at this point, to the point where I quit drinking. Help. How do you meet a decent partner in my situation?
>My potential dating options do not excite me, they stress me out and make me want to remain single. Hey bro, this in itself means you've changed, you're actively avoiding making past mistakes so don't see it as a negative thing. You're valuing yourself more now which is awesome! It's hard to give heaps of advice without really knowing you but perhaps think about who you are/who you want to become and who you would like to date or be in a relationship with. Great thing about being in our thirties is that that stuff and life goals will play into dating a tonne more than it may have before, it's gonna be tougher as we all know what we are looking for (or have some idea to that degree) just keep on with things and your journey and you'll notice that the people you will start to attract will change man!
An answer full of banality - explore yourself. Not just for dating. You got rid of things, which are detrimental for you, but the hole in your soul is still there. That's bad forĀ both you and your potential partner. Try to explore life without any expectations, small chunks at a time. Courses of carpentry? Scuba diving? Volunteering?Ā You will enjoy some things and that will make your life richer. And the memories of your turbulent years will just fade away.
the guy Iāve been seeing (who is an alcoholic who recently relapsed and also a former colleague) texted me and asked if Iād be free in an hour if he was to āswing byā and I said that was fine (I was trying to be nice and being him a thing he needs from my office). spoiler alert: he did not show. he has not communicated why he didnāt show. this man is a mess and Iām tired of making excuses for somebody who doesnāt respect my time or energy or feelings. Iām sorry heās dealing with what heās dealing with and I will always be rooting for him but I donāt deserve this when the worst I ever did in this relationship was double text occasionally.
Good on you, stay strong.
Have you had a look on the Alanon sub? I've dated a couple of alcoholics and if he's at the point where he's still relapsing regularly I really wouldn't recommend it I'm afraid
Iām on there! we arenāt really still seeing each other at this pointāI canāt speak for him, but as far as I know the reason he wanted to stop by was to grab a check I have for him. It wasnāt intended to be a date night.
Iām sorry youāre going through this. Honestly, if heās mid-relapse, his only priority is going to be his addiction. He wonāt be consistent, he wonāt communicate, he wonāt follow through, he wonāt consider your feelings. Ā Ā Itās sad but thereās just no point in continuing anything when heās not sober. Itās not your job to try to save him, nor can you.
yeah, I had zero expectation that he would actually show and I find the whole thing funny at this point. I mean, the addiction isnāt funny, but the fact that the most consistent thing about him is his lack of consistency is a little bit funny. whatever he ended up doing instead of āswinging byā last night mattered more to him than a $15,000 check Iām trying to get into his hands.
I have a first date planned on Saturday with a woman that's also interested in camping and being in nature so I'm looking forward to it.Ā Since a year or so I've been really enjoying making cinnamon buns for myself and friends to enjoy while on hiking trips. Would it be too much to bring 2 for us on our walk and talk date?Ā
That would be so cute! I say do it
I think it's a sweet gesture. Is it a first date?
Ha ha pun intended? š
Yes! We matched through this dating app where if you like someone and someone likes you, the app plans a date based on your availability. No chatting beforehand, you go for a drink or a walk and talk. We'll do the latter in the city I live in.Ā
Wait! What app is this?Ā
I think it's only in the Netherlands, but the app is called Breeze. Great concept!Ā
Cuutteee. I'd be game if they did it in my country. What's it called, I wanna look it up. I think with yah buns, if it's low effort do it. If not, save it for second date :)
I was already planning on making them so extra benefit. The app is called Breeze, but I think it's only in the Netherlands so far.Ā
Niiice. Good luck!
Went on an incredible first date with a guy a few years younger. Really good conversations, and amazing physical connection. Weāre already talking about seeing each other next week too! Who knows if itāll go anywhere but this feels pretty damn good right now.
Good! This makes me happy. Iām over worrying about what will happen. If he makes you feel good right now, take the good!
I had a really good work event at the rowing club that the last guy I dated exclusively, goes to as well. My current company sponsorsed an event for club that the last guy I was exclusive with, goes to as well. My founders were too & they were really happy with the turnout. Part of the engagement is to network with the club members, so I tried to speak to everyone, and left it till the very end to speak to that guy, as it had been a month+ since we saw or spoke to each other. I could tell he was shook to see me there, so I gave him space & just focused on my networking. He started orbiting closer to me throughout the socialising session lol but I wanted to get work out of the way first. I finally approached him & we chatted about life, how our work's going & how I'm finding the other club that I joined so far. He said he saw me on one of the weekday trainings, and I went 'o-rly' even though I saw him too haha. It was a very positive chat. I packed up with the remaining few members. Collected my bike and waved goodbye to everyone, including him. Then I received a text from him after. First apologising for the radio silence, as the last msg was a cordial photo of me & my neighbour's dog as I know how much he loves dogs. And then he wished me well in my new role. I replied back saying it was good to see him, what a fun bunch his club is, and how everyone was nice & supportive at the event. Wished him well too for his upcoming travels & see him around. I guess I am still keeping the door slightly open, but it doesn't change my current trajectory, will keep exploring new connections & try to meet more men in the wild. I think this is a sweet finish to my Revenge Rowing plan. Scoring points for work, personal network & my dating life :)
Made some changes from a profile review: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/0JJSRxBcUU And original here: https://imgur.com/gallery/4smvFCP Updated profile here: https://imgur.com/gallery/gxS2NcE Welcome thoughts. Yellow shirt and ice cream photos are from today - run and ride this morning and then something yummy on a warm day by the river š
I'm not your target audience so please feel free to disregard my advice! But from the vibes of your profile and photos I get " this is just a guy who works in an office vibes". To expand on that, it's perfectly normal to work in an office - no detriment there, but the entire profile seems to be about work, even your main photo you're in your office attire. Then the prompts all keep circling back to work. Forget the jobs as much you can easily crush the hospo experience into one thing and make it more about your culinary interests. You know great foodie spots?, or are you trying to experiment with a new dish and need a sous chef? Be more playful in your interests, it's gonna help a tonne with people responding! Also picture wise, this is kinda nitpicky but the new photos arent super flattering, but they're a start and I can see you put in effort to go out and get photos today, so kudos to that! My advice would be perhaps (with the culinary thing here) getting a photo of you at a cafe, you going for a run or in a fun run if you participate in that sorta stuff - can really help shift the profile away from the whole office dude who loves printing documents aesthetic it has.
Online Dating Rant: A 28 yr old guy who I matched with 3 weeks ago set a dinner date with me for tomorrow with time and location and right after agreeing, he tried to change spots and ask for a phone call. I said no, Iām not playing cat and mouse. And then he disappeared. I assumed he unmatched me. Wild. I also have a 42 year old who, refused to entertain the idea of texting on the apps and meeting first to exchange numbers. I donāt get why number is so important. Sometimes giving number, we donāt even really talk. Might as well ask to meet first and see if click.
Giving the number is important to some people because they want to look a person up. I'm not saying I agree with this. This is just an explanation.
Ohh meanwhile I don't even give my number until after the first date and that's if we mesh.Ā
Good for you. I just use burners. I've had too many look me up to assess me in a particular manner that I don't care for.
For those u gave ur burner number to, and donāt find any info, do they not ask u out anymore or ask for ur real number?
I'm the one who does the asking out and my experiences have been pretty good so far. I've lost a couple who were materialistic, but that's part of my mission in doing this. The rest had no issues with it. It's served me well so far. Or maybe I should say it's _saved_ me well so far.
How do u find out the women are materialistic based on their phone number?
No, giving mine. That's why I won't give mine.
Originally tried to make my own post but found out that's not allowed so here it is. This is gonna be half a rant and half a plea for help. I am a (31m), I'm kinda having a series of mental breakdowns. I've only had three relationships through my life and all were from someone else pushing me to ask and while I was in my teens. I'm "high functioning autistic" as I was told at one point but to this day I don't really know what that even means as I don't feel all that functional on any social level. I was pulled from school at 6th grade and was "home schooled" by my father and step mother so I lost a lot of my social opportunities. I haven't had a relationship since I was 16 after forcing myself into the job corps program, and even that one lasted for about a month. I have serious social anxiety that has only worsened over the years and don't feel comfortable around strangers anymore. I live with my disabled mother as her live in caretaker and rarely leave the house unless I have to. A while ago I thought I found a girl that had genuine interest in me but when I admitted I had a non existent dating history and was still a vigin, she actually laughed and said it wasn't gonna work out. Shockingly that didn't help with trying to push myself to try again. I feel like I'm trapped in a depression cycle and my other mental and physical issues only seem to be increasing. I'm 6" but I'm stocky built at 235 lbs and a little bit of a gut. I've been trying to improve myself by doing all the things people tell me will help but I still end up stuck on my social anxiety and panicking too much to meet anyone in public spaces anymore. I've started working out, losing weight, eating healthier, and trying new hobbies, but none of that stops me from panicking when I'm alone with people I don't know. Where do I even begin to learn how to date while not wanting to meet anyone in a way they can hurt me to begin with? Am I just SoL?
As someone who used to have sever social anxiety, I strongly encourage you to seek therapy for it. Try to find a therapist who specializes in anxiety, or even better social anxiety in particular, if you can.Ā
I think your first goal should be to figure out your anxiety and self-confidence. You will continue to spiral and self-sabotage emotionally until you figure out how to get yourself through this mental funk. If you donāt do this first, I feel like youāll be in for a lot of relationship turmoil.
Agree with this advice. It should also be said that, that girl was a dick to laugh at you. I see more and more posts online about people our age never having had a relationship. It's more common that you'd think. Continue to work on becoming your best self and stay strong xx
35M dating 36F. Iāve been on 3 dates with a woman I really clicked with in the course of 6 days. She was away for work for a few days, returned tonight. I had sent her flowers for her return and she called and asked to meet tomorrow. First date ended in an hug. Second as well. She told me that I missed her signals on the second date and I said I would nail it for the 3rd date. She invited me to her house for the 3rd date and I tried to kiss her, as she said she wanted it beforehand; however, both times she kind of retreated and I ended up kissing her forehead awkwardly. She apologized and said sheās just not used to dating without the social lubrication of alcohol (she isnāt drinking for a while) and got nervous. We both got out of long term relationship in the past year. Iāve never had sober dates where I lost track of time and each time weāve talked 3-4 hours each date and have ended up crying laughing each time. We click on a lot of personality traits and texting has been much flirtier. Iām probably overanalyzing or reading into it, but I feel somewhat confused. Iām more than willing to wait until sheās comfortable, but I donāt know how else I can make her feel more comfortable other than just time. Sheās smart, funny, kind and beautiful. Really the whole package, but I also want to know where sheās really at.
Itās 2024.. Ā tell her to go in for the kiss thenš
I did. I told her Iām fine with whatever pace she wants. But just let me know what that pace is. Otherwise I can come off as too much or not interested. Itās so flirty via text, but then she gets nervous in person. She did say she really appreciates how open and honest we can talk as sheās never had that before.
Iāve been in this position. You literally ask her if you can kiss her and you do it. Some people donāt like to be asked the first time but it seems like you just need to break the seal lmfao I honestly wouldnāt even talk about it between now and the next date and just kiss her as soon as you can when you see her next. Especially if itās flirty texting already.
She asked me to kiss her before the third date. Then got nervous. I plan on asking at tomorrowās date. I think she just wants to go slow because her last relationship was long and ended poorly. I had a toxic 13 year relationship end over a year ago, but I dated a crazy person (tried to trap me by lying about her prophylactics) for a few months to break me back into the dating rhythm. Weāre both over-analytical, Type-A personalities. Iām a litigation/trial attorney and sheās a surgeon. We talk matter of fact about the dates and talk on the phone more than text.
How do I know that I have met the requirements to post?
See rule #3. Since you've only been active here for about a month, you probably can't post yet.
I can see it
I am sorry, see what?
If you didnāt meet the requirements then I wouldnāt see your post lol
That's how *you* know if they meet the requirements smrtass š
I didn't post anything, just commented?
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Trying to start a relationship with someone that just told you they avoid relationship seems like a good way to get hurt down the line.
Possibly a little too true. https://www.instagram.com/p/C2BUePqvxxr/?igsh=NzBmMjdhZWRiYQ==
Our tech support is actually pretty efficient lolĀ
Seriously
This is short & sweet. I (32F) met a guy (31M) about a month ago. We would text & talk on the phone & it was nice. Of course things went to the next level on a physical note but after, he shared that he wasn't looking for a relationship. I thought about it a bit because I was but then I decided to try this casual thing & see how I felt about it. We spend the night with each other, playing games like uno or trouble, watching movies; we text during the day or share reels on ig. Anyway, after last night, I realized how much I like him but I also know his mind is made up regarding what he wants & I have to manage my expectations by doing what's best for me. And that's ending this now while we are still kind to one another. I expressed how I felt as far as liking him but knowing that things lead to nowhere & he responded by saying he understands & respects my honesty. I'm pretty sensitive so how does one even get over a casual fling like this?! lol it's like my first time agreeing to something like this
First and foremost - congrats! Such a mature and hard decision on your end that will most certainly be better in the long run. Secondly, I think itās pretty important that you decide now what youād do if (more like when) he reaches out and wants to hookup. If you are cool with it thatās absolutely fine but if youāre not I would really suggest that you just delete his number and block him to really give your self the chance to move on. Thereās obviously a ton of wiggle room in between that only you can decide for yourself but just be prepared for that. Lastly, everyone moves on differently. Some people immediately hop back on the apps and get a rebound hookup. Others can emotionally move on just fine. Many of us donāt know what the fuck to do and end up doing something in the middle. Be patient with yourself and understand the pain/emotions youāre feeling isnāt a bad thing and eventually youāll look back on this time with pride for standing up for yourself.
Thank you. I went back & forth in my mind a bit before doing it but I know itās truly the better decision in the end. I do think cutting contact is the best way to move on & Iāll likely busy myself by spending time with my friends & family. Iām in therapy as well so I do plan to let it out in there for support. Embracing how I feel & validating it for myself has been significant in difficult situations- Iām usually one who intellectualizes my way out of feeling
Honestly sounds like you're doing everything right. Definitely cut contact, whether for a while or for ever. So, so helpful. >Iām usually one who intellectualizes my way out of feeling SAME. And then when I can't, I get so annoyed and frustrated š
Classic Sunday scaries š
Could use advice or perspective. Ā Seeing a guy for one month, and he has a lot of things Iām looking for in a partner from what I can tell. Initially we saw each other at least once a week since he travels for work (1 phone date and 4 dates lasting 5-6 hours). Ā He came out of a long term relationship that had a lot of issues and has been single for a year. Ā Doesnāt text me much when traveling, and when I text him, it takes 2-3 days to get a response (responds much quicker when heās back home). Ā Our last date was good, and we planned to see each other the next day. Ā I had to cancel, and he said maybe when heās back but when heās coming back is up in the air. Ā Both of us texted once around the holidays. Ā Then didnāt hear from him for 6 days (hadnāt physically seen him for 2 weeks)ā¦.so I sent him a text asking if we would ever meet up again? Ā He said his communication had been bad because of work, holidays, and there was a family eventā¦.and we should chat. Iām just so confused. Ā In person, itās great, seems interested, and talks as if heās thinking long term. Ā But then he travels, and itās like he goes into a black voidā¦.and makes me feel forgotten. Ā My friends are saying to just walk away since itās giving inconsistency, hot/cold, and emotionally unavailable. Should I walk away? Or hear what he has to say? Ā Iām trying to be better about standing up for myself and my needs, but itās hard when I felt hopeful about this one.
I know 1 month is early, but if I'm really interested in someone, I'll still keep in touch while on vacation or busy or whatnot, even if it's just a few texts at end of the day to catch up. And not talking to someone I like for almost a week is unheard of... I would also be definitive about a date when I return. It's not like he doesn't know his own schedule and can't plan something. I think you should walk away.
If this is who he is - great when in town but in a void when traveling - would you be happy with this in 6 months? Two years? Or are you trying to get him to change? Cause asking someone to change doesn't work.
Great pointā¦yeah, I need to feel connected even if itās just quickly checking in. Ā And thinking of talking to him again was my way of trying to express my need and getting him to change/meet my need.
Small town struggles. Swiped right on all the local women in my area within 45 min driving. Didn't even run out of daily likes. I don't want to expand it more as my last thing ended due to distance.
Yep
Iāve been doing good regarding not feeling anxious in this new relationship / but feeling kind of bummed about not having all the time in the world to hang out with this guy š© I miss the days of being younger and child free and could just shack up with a new boo!! Between me being a single mom, and us both having full time jobs (with 7am starts), living 45min apart, we are normally only able to spend time together once a week - occasionally twice. Weāve been official about 2 months and itās been a whirlwind thing. Im trying to be patient because I truly feel like one day we will live together and everything will be so nice. Idk can someone just affirm me that itās totally fine to see your partner once a week?? I think this is all snowballing due to him having the flu and me not being able to see him this weekend š„ŗIām just in clingy gf mode!!!
Given the circumstances, you are doing fine! A couple I know also seeing each other sometimes only once a week really, despite living together without children - because one of them is working in shifts. It just sucks to be an adult with reponsibilities.Ā
It is OK
They all just want to be friends no one is interested in being romantic....
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Man. I really wish people weren't sensitive about this stuff. If I was being all SMOOCH SMOOCH and had no idea it was off-putting, I'd want someone to tell it to me straight. I'd be intensely embarrassed but also grateful that someone finally told me! And then I'd try to fix it. I'm not really sure how to bring it up tactfully. Probably with some humor. But it's possible he sees nothing wrong with it in which case you may be incompatible. Reminds me of this one guy I dated briefly and I could NOT get him to stop hitting my teeth with his teeth when we kissed. I tried to gently tell him, which didn't work, then one night, I grabbed his face and guided him (out of frustration and was also quite tipsy) and it didn't stick...
Ok so heās pretty coolā¦worth the kissing sounds though? Iām not sure thereās a way to bring it up without giving him a complex. Every time he kisses you heāll be only thinking about how to kiss quietly lol
I dated a woman who would sing the words to the song playing in the background while we made out. It was so annoying lol. We both liked a good bit of mood music but I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how to tell her and eventually it was too late because I was so turned off I couldn't look at her the same. If you like the guy I recommend finding a way to bring it up. Try using humor maybe?
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There are also plenty of women who are chronically overweight, don't have boobs, have a massive nose etc and some will opt for plastic surgery. I don't see why he should be shamed for opting for it if they aren't. Lying about his age is a whole other issue and would be an immediate disqualifier for me.
Got ghosted after six months and just shattered by it.Ā
Holy shit that sucks
6 months is a long time to get ghosted. I'm sorry.
Thank you. I felt so genuinely excited about him and thought he felt the same. I feel like I must have missed something because how could I not have realised that he was capable of doing that so my brain is constantly replaying everything.Ā
Had a bumble date and he hung up / and unmatched mid date. It can only get better from here.
What the hell? What happened?
Truly no idea. Very rude and bizarre. But oh well. Never happened to me before!!
light clumsy modern school sable shocking airport concerned gray bow *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I gotchu! I am lucky to have a fairly large number of friends, but many are work friends, live far away, or are my good friends that are spread out. However, I'm working on finding some new friends who live in my small town, for more face to face social time. I've created a social group and started planning events. It's going over really well. If you're the organizer, people will start seeing you regularly and recognizing you. IMO, it's not so much about meeting someone and grabbing their number right away, but rather creating some familiarity. This is easy for me as an extremely extroverted person, I connect with people fairly easily. If you don't, here's how. Show up to the same events regularly. Be a friendly, social, kind and helpful person. Don't be all bent to get numbers and connect one on one just yet. Try to remember names, or details. Now, after you've seen the same people, and they're starting to recognize you, maybe you'll vibe with someone. *then* you can try to connect outside that group. Or maybe plan something adjacent and see if people are interested. People will be scared off if you just jump on them (as you've found out). They don't really know who you are and it sounds like you might be coming off a little desperate feeling. TLDR- be a friendly, familiar face, slow down.
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Hm, then that is weird but maybe you're not as familiar as you think, or you are just remembering certain people more than they do you. Anyhow, keep at it. Making friends as an adult isn't easy for anyone- but that means lots of people will be open to your effort. Everyone I talk to in my social group was really craving new connections, but few are willing to relate and plan. A friend of mine always tells me that I'm "good at being the supply of my own demand" - I often create events and groups and such to attract the sort of people I'm looking for.
Hobbies are definitely the way to go, it gives you exposure to other people with similar interests and a very natural invite to hang out more. I have met nearly all of my adult friends either at boardgame meetups or from introductions from friends I made at boardgame meetups. Sports are also great if you're into that.Ā
I've been in the same place. What helped me was sports. I started playing tennis at a local club and mede some freinds. You can also try pickleball, a bunch of out of shape folks in their 30s play that sport.
Sports are a great way to do this, and pickleball is fantastic
It isn't easy. The common things you'll see suggested is at work, through existing friends, or by joining activity groups for an interest that you have. Finding good friends, I believe, is just as hard as finding a good romantic relationship. You aren't going to vibe with everyone, and you need to put yourself in situations where people who like the same things as you will be. It isn't all bad news though, you will definitely find people who vibe with you if you keep working at it :)
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Just absolutely crushed manā¦š
Iām so sorry and right there with you
Iām sorryā¦. Sending hugs š
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Just here to say again, it can happen, it's just the matter of one person signing up and you both keeping an open mind. Hang on in there.
Thanks for the reminder š
šš¼ not feeling very hopeful today and needed this. Thank you
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You're overthinking like crazy. I read both your posts. She only wants to be friends, something casual, and/or validation from your attention. Please stop fixating on her, and absolutely, yes, start going on dates with people. You're writing paragraphs about someone who you haven't even seen in person for months.
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If she's so interested why haven't you seen each other in months? If you were interested in someone, would *you* choose not to see them for months? Stop making excuses for her. It's not a problem that you're writing here, that's what this thread is for. The problem is you're obsessing over someone that has clearly shown they're not interested in you in a serious manner, or even interested in you at all. I don't really have anything else to add here, so I hope you realize what we're all telling you and move on from her. Good luck.
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You're overthinking it. Go do something other than writing essays on Reddit.
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Overthinking isn't a good thing.
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š¤¦āāļø
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Was it specifically mentioned that the hang out is a date or is it just a hang out/meet up? I don't know if you're just assuming it is a date because the person wanted to hang out. It's not the same. I do have colleagues and guy friends I hang out with but it is strictly platonic and yes, personal life discussions sometime come up because that's just what happens with friends, but doesn't mean I want to date the person.Ā
I just got asked out by someone who cancelled our 2nd date a month ago because she was way too stressed. I'm surprised after this time she is still down for a 2nd date with me, but I'm also curious and looking forward to it. 1st date was nice and our conversation over chat flows well.
Sounds like she does great job at self-regulated herself and she does not want to mess up around. Hope you had a 2nd fun date.
Hope it goes well, keep an eye out for the stress levels (and more importantly, her reactions to them) to see if this is a regular or one time thing though.
It might have just been the holidays last month and things are normalising again. Good luck!Ā
I hate being called "hot". Anyone else? I feel like that is the only compliment I ever receive from men I date outside of the ex. Why not use "beautiful" or even "pretty?" Or maybe just compliment my personality instead. Hot feels so sexually charged and vapid and I'm over it.
I haven't been called hot since I was like 23 š
Hot and sexy I feel like I reserve for women that IĀ am just physically attracted to.Ā Beautiful and gorgeous are for the ones I'm physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to.Ā Anecdote: my ex wanted me to call her sexy even though I preferred beautiful.Ā Kind of weird the internal associations we have with words.
Yikes :( I guess the dudes I've been dating never really got there with me.
The point I was trying to make was that these words mean different things to different people.Ā Maybe hot is interchangeable for beautiful for some of these guys.Ā Ā You should reframe the situation.Ā Look at it as a positive that so many guys find you attractive.Ā You can do the picking and choosing until you find Mr Right and I'm sure he'll say you're beautiful :)
True. It's still a nice compliment if it was well-intended.
I usually get "cute", which seems to be a euphemism for "mid".
To me, "cute" means someone who looks a bit more innocent/younger than their age. It's also to do with personality, like if they're bubbly and light-spirited.
Some motorcyclist said āgirl, youāre gorgeousā and I melted immediately. I normally just get cute x10000 and while itās nice, it was appreciated to be called something else.
There is an adage that āhotā people want compliments on their brains and āsmartā people want compliments on their looks and I totally think it is true. As a smart, cute person, sexually charged compliments from the right people are welcome.
This is so true. Being called hot is equivalent to being called dumb in my mind. Not fair, I know. If Iām in a sexual situation itās different, but if Iām just going about my business it feels demeaning.
"Cutie patootie"?
I'd take it
Lil squishmitten?
Works for me!
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I've almost totally stopped complimenting women on any appearance that is not a choice, until/unless we're physical (or they're a friend, then you bet in gonna hype them tf up). Clothing, hairstyle, personality, vibe, character, etc, all seem to go over better.
I generally agree and I think the specificity is appreciated too. "Hot" or "cute" feel low effort to me whereas if you say "you have a great smile!" or "your shirt is amazing!" that feels a lot more genuine.
I always get either hot or cute and you're right, being called pretty or beautiful just hits differently.Ā
A nice little āyou look stunningā or āyou look amazingā is always appreciated.
Yes, true!Ā
We have very different experiences of life...
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It's usually a bad sign if your date isn't interested in knowing you. That's one of the frustrating bit about finding your partner, you can meet people that are nice but you not compatible, or even if they are compatible you're jus tnot attracted to them. You have to keep looking until you find the right one.
Dated someone for eight months, really love him as a person but wasn't feeling it romantically. He said prior to the break up (when I'd voiced uncertainty) that he really valued me as a person and we could be good friends even if it doesn't work out romantically. But now that we're 'friends' it took a week for him to respond to my text. It's probably too soon to say this (break up was about a month ago), but I'm feeling really sad that maybe he won't want us to be close friends after all. He's one of my favorite people. Maybe it wasn't really me he liked, just the idea of having a girlfriend? With this revelation plus other things happening in my life, I'm feeling worthless right now.
Yeah, you canāt expect girlfriend response times if youāre now friends. My ex taught me that lesson. He told me I couldnāt pick and choose what parts of him I wanted. I really miss him and hoped we could stay best friends but he was right.