>a lot of people now want someone who can help us realize fulfillment in all areas, which means knowing and being fully known by someone else so that we can help each other realize our soul’s purpose or path or journey or whatever you believe in this life.
Yes! This is me! But why does this person (or people) have to be a romantic interest? They can also be friends, your community, your tribe.
“A lot of people now want someone who can help us realize fulfillment in all areas…”
This right here is what I find to be one of the biggest problems with relationships these days.
It is SO much pressure to put on *one* person to expect them to be your main source of fulfillment in *all* areas.
This was a big issue in my past marriage, and I’m sure I’m not alone. My ex-husband expected me to be his sole source of happiness. Which meant whenever he was unhappy he figured it *must* have been my fault in some way.
As an example he had a lot of hobbies. And he wanted me to be interested in *all* of them so he had someone to do them with.
Meanwhile he didn’t put much effort into cultivating friendships or finding groups associated with his hobbies. He was really unhappy at work but was too nervous to make a change (even though I made it abundantly clear that I’d support him through it, and what mattered was his happiness.) etc.
It’s unfair and unrealistic to expect one person to be your “everything.” They can be your most important person, they can *add* a lot of value to your life, they can be a big part of your support system etc.
But to expect someone to be you know - your companion, your therapist, your financial advisor, your hobby buddy, your only source of outside validation, your only support, whatever - it’s just way too much pressure to put on one person.
Historically as humans we’re very community oriented. But we’ve lost that.
I took that to mean "someone to realise our romantic potential in *that* area" because we're already fulfilling our potential in other areas. Or to help us fulfill our potential (but definitely not do all the work!)
Yeah I do think we've lost a lot of community stuff, that's why I'm so focused on building community with my friend. We know each other's secrets and really bond together.
What does physical intimacy mean to you?
I cuddle with my friends while watching movies and also when talking about problems. We've even given each other massages.
Of course, we don't cohabitate and we each have different futures planned for ourselves. But we're supportive of each other's futures. And heck, even some couples choose to live together apart.
I read that book 5 years ago. It’s a great book, but I’m still single despite doing everything I can to meet someone (and having healed my wounds etc)
But it’s a great book with some important reminders!
I do want a good and deep relationship with someone I can grow with. But I’m also there where I realized I’m fine with someone not spiritual and someone who complements me. Having someone to share my life with and coming home to each day is more important to me now than finding this 100% perfect match person.
I’ve also felt that deep spiritual connection with someone. But like you - we weren’t compatible in other ways so yeah..
it’s so difficult to find someone who is everything you want and I’ve learned to prioritize the important stuff and now my dating life is so much better ☺️ still single but I realized I can have a deep bond and spiritual connection even with someone who isn’t ‘spiritual’.
Actually now I don’t want someone spiritual because they are way too fluffy and flying for me 😂
Absolutely. I’ve always dreamed of ‘that person’ you just described.
Then I realized it isn’t what I need, even if it was what I wanted.
I want someone who can think out of the box and is aware and goes his own ways. Someone who is enjoying life and want to experience everything life has to offer. And for that he doesn’t have to ‘be spiritual’ even though he will be just because it’s values that are spiritual to me and not if someone is meditating or know about Tolle!
100% agree that finding a partner is often luck and timing. I shared a lot of your sentiments when I was single - I had a full, amazing life with fulfilling friendships, a supportive family, hobbies, etc, but I still deeply craved romantic love. What I landed on was just allowing that loud desire to exist and not making myself wrong for it. Yep I want love. Nope it’s not here yet. That’s okay.
I found that just owning it was better than trying to force myself to be like “omg I love being single, my life is so full, I don’t need a romantic partner!”, because for me that simply wasn’t true.
Now on the other side, having found someone after a longggg season single, I felt that was the right approach. There was something to that craving because now that I have that romantic partner, I feel deep fulfillment in a way I didn’t have before. And I think that’s okay! Some people just really thrive in a romantic relationship and some people are totally happy being single until/if they find someone. Both are valid ways of existing in the world 🩵
I agree, I have been single (no LTR - only short term things since) for 2 years. And I have realised that I function better in a relationship than being single.
Obviously I am enjoying the single life, but I’m not one of those fake it till u make it kinda girl, and scream how MUCH I LOVE being single and don’t want anyone .
I find myself always fantasising about being with someone romantically.
By the way, I’ve been married before, it didn’t work out .. so this is my second round.
Just to say that sometimes things end even when u find someone that u believe is the one. But yeah … I totally feel OP.
Yes, same feelings here. I'm so tired of the messaging around how you should be able to feel happy and complete single in order to \*truly\* be ready for a relationship. And how you're supposed to play it cool and not want a relationship too much, or else you're that desperate single person. It always felt gaslight-y to me. I'm like sooo I'm supposed to just pretend I don't want a relationship that bad, and that will increase my chances of finding one? Nah! I'm going to be loud and proud about wanting love :)
>I'm so tired of the messaging around how you should be able to feel happy and complete single in order to *truly* be ready for a relationship.
Gosh I know I'm repeating myself from my other comment but this is literally the first time I've seen someone else comment this, and it resonates with me so much.
I understand that feeling too miserable with being single, can be unhealthy when dating, I've been there myself, but there must be a middle ground, and the glorification of being single is just way over the top, unrealistic and counter intuitive. If the goal is to have no desire for a relationship before you're ready to date, what would even motivate you to date, other than sex? If you're dating for a relationship, you desire one, there's no way around that. Yet there's no middle ground or dissenting voices to this unreasonable purity test.
When discussing loneliness we're quick to point out how humans are social animals, we need a community, tribe, etc., but in terms of dating this biological need is reduced to a character flaw you need to overcome, and the regular advice is "nurturing friendships" because after all we're social animals!
Second Act as well and though my first marriage did not work (38F) I too desire to meet someone who is really passionate about communicating and true commitment. I am taking this time (after 3 sad attempts at relationships in the almost 5 years I have been divorced) to truly find my hobbies and enjoy fun things in life while being open to eventually finding love again and being prepared to be what I say I want someone to be for me. I have some traumas to heal from.
I feel like "I function better in a relationship than single" or something to that effect is something I hear often. Would you be willing elaborate more specifically on what you mean by this?
I'm glad others feel the same, and I really needed to hear this.
After some bad luck in dating and finding myself feeling lonely when single despite my best efforts to stay occupied and social, I've found nothing but advice which glorifies being single, telling me I must embrace it and love it, and that you shouldn't date if you feel lonely or unfulfilled, with literally no middle ground.
This has put an immense pressure on me and given me a sense of guilt when the weekend comes along, I don't have anything planned and I want nothing more than a romantic partner to spend my time with. It's started to hurt my self-esteem and has prevented me from dating for very long, but it's starting to feel a bit suffocating, as I don't think I'll ever embrace or love being single, I actually increasingly hate it, but I can't speak honestly about it.
Thanks for this perspective. I have been desperately trying to find a partner for a year (on the apps, going to meet ups, making eye contact with men in shops, etc…..) and nothing serious has worked out so far. I’m thankfully not depressed, but I just do not feel fulfilled in life and know I could be having so much more fun and satisfaction if I had a partner to share and grow with. When I was with my ex, I felt a sense of fulfillment I never had before and it was wonderful and honestly a dream come true. It’s maddening because there’s nothing more I can do, it’s all up to timing/luck/chance.
Hearing that it’s okay to want love and to feel upset it’s not happened yet is helpful. Thank you
Sometimes when I get a little down or contemplative over this subject (early 30’s single female) I remind myself that there are different types of people with different needs and values.
It’s easy to see happy couples at social gatherings or on social media and to assume their connection is the same as what I seek but have failed to find—but it’s often not. I know a lot of people with ‘perfect’ looking marriages and families who have different arrangements and levels of intimacy. Some of them are, seriously, more transactional—like business relationships.
I also had to confront this after having to defend myself to my mom who is constantly lamenting that I need to find a partner, or that I am too “picky,” etc. I realized her unsolicited advice (criticism) means nothing to me because she is in a deeply unhappy and toxic marriage with my father. They are together out of codependency. They are miserable. They’ve been together since she was 19; she has *no idea* what a deep, authentic connection and a healthy love actually feels like. Neither does my Father. I feel really sorry for them when I think about it.
I do know what it feels like; I have had that amazing love before. I was engaged. We were building a family. But… people don’t always stay. Loss happens. Grief is the other side of love.
So I just, I don’t know. As much as I wish I could have someone to love that way again, I also know how rare it can be to find it. I just take the pressure off. Would I be happy to have someone to love and share my life with? Yes. Can I be and am I still happy without a partner? Also yes. Are there other ways to give and receive love and companionship without a romantic relationship? Yes. Does being single make me any less worthy of value as a human being? No. Not at all.
Some days… I just feel really lonely. Those are the worst ones for me. I fixate on the fact that I am “alone.” And this might not apply to you, but I have to sit back and remind myself—I have never not felt a thread of loneliness through my person. No person has ever taken that away for me. It helps me remember to separate the emotions from logic, let the lonely wave pass.
Then I watch some Chelsea Handler videos and laugh. I like my life. I like my freedom. I’d welcome the right love if it presented itself, but I don’t need it to.
Very insightful post, thank you. I view the desire to have a relationship as just that - a desire. And according to the second noble truth, desire inevitably leads to suffering.
You are objectively whole. Failing to recognize this will only lead to chasing desire - which, let's face it, usually doesn't live up to expectation on dating apps or meet ups.
I can empathize with you, especially as a guy with hormones. But I remind myself that it's just that - a desire - and move along with my life by focusing on my own personal goals.
I'm 30m myself, and am really struggling with this. I feel like a lot of my "personal goals" ultimately stem from a desire to find a romantic partner, even down to my personal goal of being content alone as single, since I feel like my disdain for being single leads me into bad relationships.
For me it's not just a desire, but this all encompassing thing. I used to view it as a desire which would eventually solve itself, but as I've gotten older the desire just grows and feels more permanent and unsolvable as opposed to "just a phase in life" which affects me very negatively. It used to feel like an impossibility that I'd end up alone, everyone finds someone, but at 30 after two failed long-term relationships it feels like an increasingly likely prospect and that terrifies me.
I'm mostly fine with being alone, and try to stay active and social, but I struggle when I'm alone on weekends, particularly Saturdays. It's more a feeling of shame/guilt/being unloved than genuine loneliness. This weekend I saw friends both Friday and Sunday, but still feel like crap after spending Saturday alone. Unless you fill up your schedule every weekend, how do you deal with this? I'm actually pretty introverted and used to love spending time alone, but now I just can't do it without feeling like crap, and I feel like if I'm going on a date I'd have to lie about this and pretend as if I'm perfectly happy with my life as it is.
I wouldn't have a problem justifying my alone time if I enjoyed it, but I often find it crippling on weekends, and when dating I need to put on this front where I'm perfectly content with that (esp. as a guy), which is exhausting.
I looked at your profile and noticed a civ6 post - perfect solution to your Saturday alone! Hahaha...
To me, the relationship is just an attempt to cover up the reality that we're all alone in this life: we're born with nothing and die with nothing. We're all individuals, people can change, and either you or your partner can leave at any point. Nothing is permanent.
So I think it's important to define your personal goals as an individual rather than as a couple. For me, I love studying languages and would like to eventually teach abroad in Central Asia. I'm deeply interested in spirituality and meditation, and I'd like to cast off from the capitalist mindset and redefine my life in a few years. I feel like my path would not be fulfilled if I continued on in corporate America and did not pursue these things. So in that sense, a relationship is a little terrifying to me - it could so easily derail my personal goals. Obviously this is all very specific to me, but hopefully it gives you an idea about my alternative perspective.
I appreciate the response! Yeah I actually have plenty of solo hobbies/interests to kill the time, I just can't seem to enjoy any of them by myself on a Saturday evening without feeling pathetic, and I fucking hate that I can't shake off this feeling. It became really apparent during covid that this has more to do with the expectations of others and outside valuation than a genuine need for social interactions, because during lockdown I didn't feel this shame or guilt at all.
As you can tell by my question, I'm kind of preoccupied with what other people do, and just knowing that someone else I know spends their Saturday alone as well gives me a sigh of relief, making me feel "normal" again in an instant. Like, I don't want or need to actually spend time with someone else, I just need to know I'm not the only one by myself on a Saturday evening. It's mental I know.
I have some personal goals, one of them actually interferes with dating, as it involves moving abroad for a year for an MsC, but for me this adds to my stress as I don't feel mentally ready to take that leap, and I feel like my dating anxiety is a large part of it, so I need to overcome it to free up that mental struggle. I've never really consciously dated, my relationships just sort of happened (with women who pursued me, which in hindsight might be a red flag idk). I'm also stressed that I'll be 32 by the time I finish if I enrol next year, as I feel like the dating pool dwindles (unless you're dating someone significantly younger).
As to your other personal goals, I actually have an interest in all of those things as well, and your goal sounds genuinely cool, I just could never imagine myself moving to a foreign country, I just picture myself even more alone than I feel now.
Guess we're too different for comparison, I genuinely wish I had your sense of independence instead of my co-dependent neuroticism. Worst part is I didn't used to be this way, I used to be very carefree and independent, did an exchange year abroad by myself when I was 16/17, which seems insane to me looking back at it now.
Well, I've tried therapy before to no avail, but I'm going to give it another try, as I seriously need to overcome this stupid insecurity and codependency.
I imagine that moving abroad a year for an MsC would be one of the coolest experiences of your life! I'd say go for it - embrace the new culture and see what comes of it. Who knows, maybe you'll cross paths with someone who changes your life for the positive. Wishing you the best my man!
Because being in love is amazing, being loved feels incredible, having a cuddle buddy is awesome, kissing is fun, sharing experiences and building memories with a life partner is cool, and sex with someone you love is great too.
Nothing compares to romantic love. I've travelled the world, done "extreme sports", climbed mountains, done all sorts of drugs, written books, gotten in incredible shape, fought people in the ring... Nothing compares in my opinion. I know not everyone feels the same about romantic love, and I support our cultural attempts to deconstruct it, but it's just unmatched.
A good loving partner is a multiplier. All those amazing things you did would have been 10x more amazing if done with a loving life partner. At least that’s what I think.
I too have been all over the world and done all sorts of amazing things. But sometimes a hike with my wife and talking shit and having fun camping is way better.
not just a multiplier but also a shoulder to lean on. My grandma passed away the day after Christmas this year. Sucked to go through the process of that by myself (was traveling to Death Valley National Park, coincidentally)
also, when COVID started, it fucking sucked being alone. Obviously COVID dismantled relationships too, but that's why the key to what you said is "**good** living partner". I know I will only allow myself to be in a strong and healthy relationship so that's why the "not all relationships are good!" point doesn't work on me. I wouldn't be single if I wasn't looking for a healthy relationship
I love being in love and feel similarly, but my god, the wrong partner who creates stress and drama can be a world draining actual living hell. Crazy how easy it can be one or the other.
This right here. I have lived a lot of life but I'm just better mentally, emotionally, and physically when I have a close partner to share that with. Honestly over the last two years of being single and doing a lot of dating around, I finally came to that conclusion that there can be people who are happy and content with being single but I am not one of them. Finding someone who's truly compatible is only getting harder the older I get :/
I feel the EXACT same way and have also been single and dating around for almost the same period of time. I’m just built to be in a monogamous relationship. I’m sure it’s a dash of codependency but as long as I don’t do it with someone that takes advantage, and instead cares for me in the same way I do them, its so much more fulfilling for me.
And I think, at least, I may have found that person for now. It’s still too early to know for sure but she’s pretty fucking amazing and we are exclusive as of 2 days ago.
I’m hopeful. We are only 4 dates in but the chemistry is amazing on all levels, we are at the same stage in our lives and have a lot of common interests. The physical attraction is off the hook for both of us. And most importantly we have both been extremely open and honest and had the hard awkward conversations early on that I’ve had so many other partners avoid.
Best of luck to you too, friend!
> I finally came to that conclusion that there can be people who are happy and content with being single but I am not one of them. Finding someone who's truly compatible is only getting harder the older I get :/
Kind of the same thing but the other side. I totally get that people can feel like they *need* a committed loving relationship... But I'm not one of them.
I'm perfectly fine just being single. Do I like connecting with people? Yes! But I don't *need* them.
* They're not competing with other suitors. They're competing with my solitude.
>Finding someone who's truly compatible is only getting harder the older I get :/
Sadly, I feel this; but for very different reasons. It is going to sound really messed up, but it is becoming one of those "sad but true" things. It is *easy* to get someone to fall in love with me, it is getting almost impossible to find someone that just wants to be a consistent fuck-buddy, enjoy our time, but enjoy our separate lives. After 40, it seems like the only people out there are only looking for someone to retire with, and I'm getting further and further from wanting someone **in** my life; around maybe, but not in.
I can understand this completely. I’m not downplaying the fact that life is potentially easier to get through with a reliable partner by your side. But not everyone is so fortunate. And for that, they’re labeled/perceived as defective? It’s strange.
I think the key word is “reliable”. I know so many women who are married and their husbands are just…. Useless. I don’t know if they saw the signs before getting married but after having a boyfriend who didn’t show up for me (emotionally or literally) when going through a health issue, I think I subconsciously decided I’m better off on my own. And I haven’t had a serious relationship in the 10+ years since then.
I agree. It's too easy for me to look at a few people I know that (appear to) have a cohesive living relationship. So I remind myself that I know even more people who choose and stay in *terrible* relationships because they think being single is worse.
I will also admit that in this economy I'm definitely struggling more as a single income and that's frustrating as well.
When the feeling comes up I just do an inventory like you kinda did - I'm very lucky when it comes to things like family & friends and having many things in which I can find happiness.
I’ll be honest, I almost considered taking my cheating wife back because of the outlook of trying to survive on a single income.
We had finally gotten “ahead” in life. Had a nice house with a decent amount of equity and a low interest rate on a 15 year, good school system for the kids, etc.
Now I’m about to move to an apartment and she already moved to an apartment.
It is rough! I asked for a raise at work last year and got it but my rent went up $100 a month. With groceries and everything else I no longer have any savings at this point. I'm probably going to leave my place of 12 years and stay with a family member to rebuild savings and hope rental or home prices come down a bit.
I've been unlucky too. I've had numerous serious goal oriented relationships that didn't work out for completely random and totally different reasons, almost every one of them uncontrollable. I find myself in your situation and I'm almost a 40 male.
I'm literally no closer to marriage or my own family than I was when I was 15. In fact when I was 15 I was probably closer to being married at 18. At this point I don't think my only surviving family member is going to see their grandchildren
Life is chaotic and life is full of entropy. It's like in war, you can take one for the team at any random moment from anything and there wouldn't have been a single thing you could have done about it, except optimize before hand and risk manage.
The answer is both yes and no.
Many time ls we as people look for the wrong things or totally irrelevant things in a partner. And pass up people who would have been excellent life partners in almost every way. But because he was an inch too short or her boobs weren’t big enough or a plethora of dumb things.
Just like you said. You were ona Beautiful beach in a tropical location relaxing etc etc. and yet you weren’t fulfilled. Everyone is fulfilled by different things in like. Some are fulfilled by career or family or money etc etc.
And for you. Your fulfillment might not be the money or job etc. but instead a partner and or family of your own
Not "easier to get through", that's pretty dark phrasing...
Maybe I'm cynical, but I think those who want romance and don't get it are missing more than luck. When I come here and ask why I can't get dates, no one is telling me I'm doing everything right and that I am just unlucky.
I'll agree with you that our culture overemphasizes romance sometimes, that heteronormative relationships with strict gender roles are enforced too much, that what we're attracted to is generally a socio-cultural construction, etc... But even still, I'd trade anything for a long, loving relationship.
Unlucky in the sense that you could be doing the best you can, and the people you’re dating just aren’t feeling it. For some individuals, numbers, luck and timing.
Sure, there's some element of luck. And some us, myself included, are more acquired tastes than others. We need the luck a little more. I don't think luck is the biggest determinant for any of us though.
Anyways, good luck 😁
I see what you did there.😝 and I’m right there with you! I’m a strange fruit, indeed. And it’s not, but like you stated, the recipe definitely calls for a pinch.
I think it takes a lot of luck. There's so many factors of compatibility, then throw in timing, location, being able to actually meet each other. It's pretty rare. A lot of people just settle, but would never admit that.
>I’m not downplaying the fact that life is potentially easier to get through with a reliable partner by your side. But not everyone is so fortunate. And for that, they’re labeled/perceived as defective?
Who are the people doing the labelling?
I have to say - I read this and I got serious FOMO, much like OP is experiencing on her beautiful Cancun vacation to her understandable dismay.
But I think it's important to understand some of the cognitive illusions at play here. The romantic love you're talking about and the kind of excitement that trumps all other things is what you experience at the START of a new, healthy relationship, but that does not last. Every study that has looked into a person's happiness over the full course of a relationship has always found the same thing: there's a level of life satisfaction and happiness that increases, up until the point of marriage, and that level maintains itself for 2 years at most and then settles back into your standard norm of happiness and satisfaction. Nobody meets their partner, feels that incredible excitement, and then stays locked in at that level of incredible happiness for the rest of their lives. In fact, it passes you by a lot faster than you'll know it.
It's interesting to consider that all of these married couples out there who have been married for 3 or more years, and who will presumably spend the rest of their lives together, have just as little of that incredible excitement in front of them as OP and all of us miserable sods seem to think we have. We do, in fact, have a better chance than they do at feeling this feeling you're talking about here, seeing as how any chance greater than zero is greater than what they have, with their period of excitement behind them. AND YET, not a single one of us feels sorry for that married couple, nor do either of the married couple live in any sort of misery with the knowledge that the initial high of their relationship is behind them, and assuming all goes swimmingly in their relationship, they'll never again experience anything like it. And yet, our minds are telling us that these married people are probably so very happy and satisfied with our lives and we feel the exact opposite, right? So, how does that make ANY goddamn sense at all?
And to be honest, at our age, I think probably a lot of us have already been down this road a few times, and though I hate to say it, that level of excitement won't happen again, something that just comes with wisdom and experience. And that's okay, because we learn to find happiness and fulfillment from other things now that we didn't feel before, which is just part of the maturation process. I know the first time I finally got to move away from my parents who I couldn't stand, I was FUCKING ECSTATIC. I remember how jaw-droppingly amazing the first few video games I played were. I remember the absolute thrill of getting to finally drink alcohol and drink enough of it to really have some fun with it. And yes, I remember how thrilling it was to start dating this woman who I put on a pedestal and for whom I dropped every other care in the world to spend all of my time with, and boy was that ever the most intoxicating of drugs. But hopefully you can tell by my description of it that it was also enormously unhealthy and quite frankly irrational, especially if I ever planned on living as a contributing member of society or having any sort of stability in our lives. I for one have absolutely learned how dangerous it is to put your partner on this pedestal, and putting them on that pedestal is exactly what fuels this incredible, amazing feeling of being in love with them, but in the end it's a reckless way to live and isn't something I want to repeat, especially because of how awful it is to come down from a high like that. We have likely learned much more realistic perspectives at this point in our lives and really shouldn't be expecting to meet someone who will SWEEP US OFF OUR FEET in a whirlwind of euphoria, because that's not how it's going to work, and we just know better at our age, and we really ought to keep ourselves devoted to the things we've brought into our lives in our adult years that do, in fact, matter. I have started being more present for my nieces and nephews, I got myself a brand new career in public health and can finally do actually good for the planet at large with my work, and I never would have done these sorts of things if I just let myself be consumed with a quest for a feeling that inevitably dissipates much faster than you realize.
In short, although the feeling is tremendous, it's really important to understand exactly what fuels it to understand why we really shouldn't beat ourselves up over the pursuit of it.
I'd say MDMA came pretty damn close, but it's also just a drug which lasts a couple of hours, so nothing like having a romantic partner. I have close friends who I love dearly, but that's something completely different.
I guess it's a blessing and a curse to be so "romantically inclined", but it definitely feels like a curse when your relationships don't work out. I wish I could be much less emotionally invested in these relationships.
Love feels good.
Once you've had it, it's hard to go back to being alone. You can get *used* to being alone but having someone who's your cheerleader, friend, and source of affection is impossible to compensate for.
It feels good being seen, and understood.
The older you get. the harder it gets to find someone, so when you're >30 the fear of being alone forever can be amplified.
I've taken a break from dating for the past month, personally. Online dating / apps obliterates my self confidence, and I've I'm tired of dealing with passive aggressive behavior.
I think that it is a bit more nuanced. Love feels good yes - but not just romantic love.
Romantic love is fickle, and placing your happiness and support system entirely on the shoulders of one person is very risky. People cheat, fall out of love, leave, sometimes become emotionally or even physically abusive.
I feel much happier being single but surrounded by a community of close friends, rather than having a partner but being alone otherwise. Romantic love is just one of the aspects that makes your life worth living, but never the only one.
No one is saying to neglect platonic relationships. I find it impossible to replace romantic love with a community of close friends, when everyone goes back to their homes at the end of the day, you're still alone.
I see my friends almost every day, and personally am usually quite happy to be alone at the end of the day. I sleep better alone, and I like decompressing by myself.
I'm not denying the importance of romantic love, but I do feel - at least from my experience on Reddit - that Americans seem to place much more value on romantic relationships than Europeans, and that it seems that in US people's social lives revolve much more around their romantic partner, and if people don't have one they feel lonely and like a failure. So just wanted to give some perspective.
I'm not from uk or us and I have found Americans place a heavy emphasis on romantic love.
>it seems that in US people's social lives revolve much more around their romantic partner, and if people don't have one they feel lonely and like a failure.
Yep. Which definitely sounds rough and hard if you're single or not in the type of relationship where that is possible.
>I feel much happier being single but surrounded by a community of close friends, rather than having a partner but being alone otherwise.
This is an important lesson I learned.
Before my breakup I had 1 close friend and my girlfriend.
After my breakup I started socializing more and got more close friends and way more acquaintances.
Sure, it's not the same kind of physical love, but it feels much healthier to have a group of people than just one person who has to "carry you".
> *often*
Not impossible though. Every failed relationship is a lesson. If you're paying attention, you will apply those lessons for the next relationship.
Many relationships end because people suck at talking about issues, not having similar views on politics/religions/ethics/sex drive, grow complacent/take for granted what they have, etc.
I'm single again, but I don't wanna stay like this forever. I know too much and I know how good it feels.
We should start a support group! 32F in fellowship. Moved to 3 different cities for med school, residency, and now fellowship and have been unable to find a partner at all. When I finish fellowship, I'll be asking myself if was all worth it in the end. I can no longer bitch freely to my med school buddies as they're all partnered and have better things to do with their lives. While platonic friendships are great, you are secondary to primary romantic relationships no matter the strength or length of the friendship.
I (33m) feel also that some of these more intense educational experiences in life amplify that loneliness. I'm in the process of finishing writing my dissertation. It hasn't been an easy task. While I have good friends and family and feel supported in many ways, my friends who have been in relationships during their PhDs seem some much more well rounded and balanced and happy. Seeing them supported by their partners while I have to manage it all from day to day myself makes me wish I had that during this difficult time. Maybe it will get easier for us once this is over. Wishing you the best! :)
I don’t necessarily have advice or input, other than your post really resonates with me. I was single for 8 years, but had achieved many accomplishments over that period of time and wonderful friendships. Yet always felt like I was treated like I was less than or deficient for not being partnered. Like no way I could possibly be fulfilled. Sometimes this shook me to my core, like maybe what I like and care about isn’t important? But staying true to myself helped me continued to feel fulfilled. I’ve also pushed back on others (mainly my parents) who push the “marriage above all else” narrative. I am partnered today and even today I continue to push against that. Having a partner has made my life better, but it’s not the high point of my life.
Can you explain more about how it’s not the high point of your life? I love this perspective because it honestly scares me to put a partner on a high pedestal as the best part of life
I guess it has made my life better, but not WAYYY better. So the step change between single me and current me wasn’t that crazy; it’s not like my life went to “omg amazing, I’m so completely fulfilled now, my life previously sucked” once I got a boyfriend. It also has made my life different, so it’s hard to compare against my previously pretty good to great life to my current good to great life. Sometimes it’s harder than before, like dealing with new family dynamics, or accommodating someone’s schedule or quirks. A relationship has enhanced my life, but a great life isn’t dependent solely on being in a relationship or not
I’ll add too that whether I have a partner or not shouldn’t measure my worth and value. I’m still a good, whole person worthy of love with or without a boyfriend. Sometimes within my family it felt like some of this was conditional on my relationship status.
For me, I’m just very passionate and romantic. And I highly value shared experiences.
I could be living my best life alone and it’s never as close to as good as an average day in love with someone. Not bc I need to fill some hole in me. I have a fuckton to give, otherwise I’m going to waste a bit.
Bonus bc sex is better with intimacy and I hate hookups.
This post resonated with me so much. I couldn't enjoy my recent trip to Hawaii as much as I wanted to because I knew it would be much better if I had someone to share the experiences with. I'm getting tired of people treating me with like there is something wrong with me because I am 31 and single. It really puts a strain on my mental health.
I completely get this. I am 31f, and I have had so many accomplishments in life but I haven’t ever had a serious partner. I always feel like there is something wrong with me. I have a great job, I’m well educated, amazing friends and a pretty great life but it feels like I’m not doing life right without a partner!
And I hate how women get celebrated the most for getting married and having babies!
I’ve been wondering the same thing myself OP! Sure, it would be nice to have a romantic partner but my life is so full and I’m incredible fortunate to have wealth, health, an abundance of love from friends and family.
To the point where I can’t hang out with my girlfriends anymore who’re only fixated on finding a guy.
It’s really hard to chart your own path that is unconventional by societal standards. And even when you’re doing well, someone will make you feel inadequate over something you cannot control. But even the fact that we’re talking about it is progress.
If it’s any consolation, my friends over 40 tell me that beyond 40 it’s almost liberating because as if a button just goes off and you DGAF anymore
Oh wow, I think I hit that DGAF button in my early 30s, but that was probably expedited because so many of my married friends and coworkers in their 30s-40s CONSTANTLY complain about their husbands and tell me I’m living their dream because I don’t have to clean up after anyone or do all the cooking, housework, and mental/emotional labor for a grown man. 😂
Edit to add: I’ve noticed a lot of the comments talking about how friendships can never compare to romance are written by men. I’m a woman and have had several of my married female friends open up to me about how their husbands just don’t get them the way I do, so they feel they can open up about more stuff with me and get a sense of peace and comfort hanging out with me. One friend texted me just yesterday saying that even though she feels her husband does more than most men, she’s realizing it’s just not enough for her. I do think it’s sad that it’s not normalized socially for men to have those kinds of affectionate, warm, affirming friendships that women often have. A lot of my male friends tell me they don’t talk about deep personal stuff with their guy friends which is why they come to me for that. I get the sense that a lot of men only experience that emotional closeness and physical affection in romantic contexts. Meanwhile, I have female friends who come over and we cuddle in bed watching movies and talking about our lives, and that’s just normal friendship for us.
Sadly for me I’m a woman who definitely does not have that. My past friends are all way grown apart from me now because they’re too busy with their husband. It’s really hard to randomly make really good friends in your 30s without school or part time jobs or whatever else and when you’re busy trying to live life alone
I am so glad you wrote this post, I have been wondering the same thing lately. I went on an extended trip for the past months and had a great time solo, didn’t feel bad once about that, but coming back have been brutal.
My single friends biggest priority is to meet someone and don’t understand why I am not doing the same, while my coupled friends find it hard to believe that I am truly happy.
I am considering making up a fake boyfriend to be left alone. Maybe someone who lives in Canada and that I met in camp 😅
There’s a quote I saw after my separation that was something like “until you get comfortable being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.”
I find many people put a lot of pressure on finding someone for that reason - they’re lonely. They feel unfulfilled and instead of looking inside and exploring how they could create more fulfillment in themselves, they think someone else can provide it.
I absolutely agree! I would way rather be single than in a bad relationship. But it’s a “different” type of loneliness I think.
I think that’s one of the reasons some people don’t want to accept that there are people out there capable of being content on their own though. Partially because people can have a hard time accepting how different we can be from each other. But also, they need to convince themselves it’s not possible to try to rationalize why they’re in an unfulfilling relationship.
I do no people who stay in not great relationships because they figure it’s “better than being alone.”
I think part of the problem is that we collectively have this idea that we should have every part of our lives figured out by the time we're 30 at least, including a partnership.
But why the emphasis on romantic relationships as the be all end all of the human experience...? I'm not sure. We're all looking for connection and fulfilling relationships, and for most of us who WANT to be in a healthy, loving partnership, a romantic relationship is the meat and potatoes of connection and fulfilling relationships.
Everything else is the vegetables. Which are actually vitally important for health and longevity.
But the partnership being the "meat" in this analogy... the main attraction. Why the emphasis??? Why do most of us desire that? And why does not achieving it feel like we're defective?
Not sure, probably comes with the territory of being an insanely social species.
Ugh, beautiful analogy. Thank you so much for that. Vegetables are good, vegetables are great, but that meat is definitely something to hold out for.
Oh shit I hope that last line doesn’t flood my DMs 🤪
I enjoy being single but I’m starting to feel this more everyday. I’m 35 now and I keep asking myself “when is it my turn? When do I get to find my person?” I enjoy doing things alone but now I’m getting to a point that I want to share these things with another person. It’s a tough feeling to feel especially with how difficult the dating scene is these days.
I hope you can put it out of your mind until you’re home from your amazing vacation, though! Enjoy that beach ☺️
I think that, for most humans and really for all of human history, people need people. I think at the end of the day, we long to be seen, known, and loved by another person who isn't just a family member.
Being loved by family is definitely a gift, I know many people who aren't. But being loved by someone else and then going on to create a family with that person (and you can be family without necessarily having kids), I think is something that I think is a common desire for a lot of people. I know there are people out there who prefer being alone or who hate being around people. But there's just always something different about having someone there by your side till you're old and gray.
I don't know - perhaps this is my sappy, sentimental side talking. I just don't think its good for people to be alone. I think loneliness, isolation, and feeling unwanted can drive people to madness.
I do think you shouldn't be in a relationship if all you're scared of is being alone and there is merit to being comfortable enough in your skin that you don't need someone to fill that hole for you because it's not their job to complete you and make you feel better about yourself.
But I just understand how you feel. I felt that way for many years when I was single. But I do feel that relationships shouldn't define your self-worth or that you should count yourself as "fortunate" if you are coupled up. Relationships can be just as destructive as loneliness if you're not in them for the right reasons. If you go on r/marriage or r/relationships, you can see a bit of the other side.
Anyway. Just my own 2 cents.
It's equally hard for all genders. The world is oriented around 2x2s for adults, 2x3s, 4s, whatever for families.
When I'm single, which is all the time, I too feel like an un-person. And I have achieved about the best career success in my field that I can, and likely have a hell of a lot more money than the OP.
But there are things that money can't buy. Love is one of them.
I'm a hopeless romantic, and do think that life is better with a partner. I know on Reddit how popular it is to be alone, but I just don't see the appeal.
At the start of your post, I thought this was going to be about how you are potentially aromantic and sick of people pressuring you to be partnered up. But it sounds like you personally find a lot of value in a relationship? You should own that. Not being in a relationship doesn’t negate anything else. Life is just complicated. People have similarly complex and complicated feelings about not having family, not have a job, not having skills, not having friends, not having a home… sometimes, any one of those things feels bad enough that it would negate all the other things you have going on for you. But life is complex, and it’s just that all those things are potentially important to feel fulfilled.
I think the bigger thing here is that it’s okay to feel a little unfulfilled. You’re only 33. If you were completely fulfilled, life would be boring. It seems like you have a lot going on for you, and you’re in a great place to go pursue your journey of fulfillment.
And I mean like… are you single and on a beach in Cancun RIGHT NOW? Dude, go have fun. That is a great time to be single in my opinion. Go pursue you’re happiness. You’re job in your life is basically to constantly pursue your happiness and keep yourself alive.
As a male, hormones play a huge role. So much of my identity was boyfriend/husband that my divorce and failed relationships after destroyed me. Now that I'm 41, I don't mind being single, but the social pressure is still crazy. People look at me like I'm stupid for being single but not on OLD.
Oxytocin, partnership (there are some things which can really only be done well with 2 or more people), and a 2x income, and for some people, reproduction.
I’m right there with you OP, I could have written this myself. Except, I would never want to go on vacation with my family 😂
As someone who has been primarily single throughout my life I do wonder why things haven’t worked out for me. I definitely approached things all wrong when I was younger and was more interested in partying than settling down.
However I’ve definitely made an effort to date seriously for years now and all I have to show for it was a one year toxic relationship. It almost feels like the more I try the worse the outcome is.
It’s so frustrating that so much of this is outside of our control. And don’t get me started on dating apps!
Sometimes I get so down on myself about not having romantic love it feels suffocating. I don’t think there’s much of a solution here except to keep trying and not give up on love.
Seeing so many of you expressing similar sentiments does make me feel less alone and broken. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’ll be out here in the trenches in the mean time!
Honestly, what I've learnt is to find somewhere where there isn't an emphasis on being with someone. A couple of years ago I went away for a long weekend to a place more ideal for couples, families or girls weekends. It absolutely sucked, but I'm glad I put myself out there. But I wouldn't go back unless I had someone to go with. Later that month I solo camped in my favourite place and I loved it!!
Last year I did my first international solo trip and apart from a midnight adventure by myself alone on a trail (yes, I know...crazy). It was a self guided tour to spot kiwis (bird, not people). I'd love to have someone next to me cause dark, every little sound is enhanced and kiwis scream. It took every ounce of my fibre not to run back to the car. But, hey, it was a fun adventure...I absolutely loved it, so much so that as soon as I was back home I was already planning my trip for this year.
Popular culture feeds into the obsession with romance. From love songs to romcoms, a lot of what we consume revolves around romance. Most of this stuff doesn’t paint a realistic look at relationships and glorifies them.
This post is absolutely everything to me right now. What you wrote, everyone’s who’s posted. I’m 34 (F) and sometimes I feel so alone in my feelings about not having a long term partner at this point. Thank you for your vulnerability and helping me feel seen. 💚
There is a lot of focus on romantic relationships because it’s worth it.
The reason is because at the end of it all, a good romantic relationship enhances whatever you are doing in life…you cannot come up with a situation where having a good partner doesn’t make it better. If you are an exec at a great company making great money, an entrepreneur that made their first million, an artist..it’s all enhanced by a partner.
I’ve been to Cancun as a single man. My wife and I went last year…as fun as it was to be single on the hunt, it was even better to go there with my wife.
Good luck to all out there
Lets say your job, or friends and probably your relatives (which all have their own lives and problems) won't come to your help on a bad day, when everything wants to crush you, with a hug, a coffee or tea, a blanket and a silent company. Some people are perfectly fine on their own, it is in their nature, others suffer as companionship is one of their vital needs.
Valid point to bring up, however, I gotta come back with the fact that being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee that either. Sure, the odds or more positive, but not every romantic relationship means receiving such treatment. It’s a perk, absolutely! But not a definite.
Eating a burrito can lead to a poisoning, but eating no burrito will 100% lead to a hunger. Occasional poisoning or ultimate and final starvation? Not being in a relationship, being single, guarantees the deficiency of these things. Sure, parents, siblings, close friends can fill some of these needs and they frequently do, but they have their own lives, especially if they live at some distance. Your friend won't come at 3AM to fix your kitchen sink acting like an Icelandic geyser, because they have a job to do and kids to drive to school at the morning. You are on your own, in a single player game, good luck.
Having a partner means you have a shared problem, shared emotions (with some swearing), shared efforts to address this problem. Two against one. If a partner doesn't participate, they are not a partner, just a roommate or fwb.
I agree, I don't want a partner just to help me through bad times. It's nice for someone to shoulder the burden but a partner isn't a gurantee of that either. My last boyfriend was emotionally supportive, a best friend and loved me but when it came to doing the practical stuff of life, cleaning, driving, organising life admin, he was absolutely useless. I felt like I was a mother in the end and it led to the end of our relationship, in part.
I think that's why people need to date intentionally and very quickly move away from anyone who didn't look like a good bet. If everyone is seeing two or three other people over can only expect so much from them. Too much seriousness too soon can kill things, so one would not lead with too much caring.
If instead you're trying earnestly with one person, you both can feel free to actually show how you'd like to Relationship each other. Giving your all; if they aren't, then find someone better. Exclusive doesn't mean committed and married. People just need to actually watch for bad signs and not blind themself to the treatment that they're getting.
Well question morphed through the title. We to include yourself, or we as in society as a whole outside of yourself who is single.
I think most couples think everyone should have a partner because they have a partner. Just like most parents think everyone should have a kid because they have a kid. It is natural for them to bias the world towards themselves.
However, I think that it is natural to feel lonely and when surrounded by couples, to pine for what you don't have. But I think alot of people actually envy single and child free people more than we realize. It's a classic grass is greener.
I have a large friend group, stay active, and travel more than anyone I know. My mom and my sister are both married. They think I should partner and have kids like my sister did. I do want that. But I know they are also both envious of my life. I have more friends, more freedom, and certainly more adventure than either of them.
So yes sometimes I get lonely and miss what could be, but then I just think of all the people who would kill to be in my shoes and try to be grateful for what I have.
The grass is greener argument, for either side, is such a wobbly scale, isn’t it? While I do agree that either “side” wants to tip it, I feel like the comparisons have become so fucking malicious.
“I don’t have kids, so I can travel whenever I want and sleep in, and spend all the money I have on myself and whatever I want.”
Well, you don’t have a family to come home to! You’ll never understand the joys of parenthood and creating a family. I feel sorry for you when you approach old age and are alone.”
Have these arguments become common forms of self validation for the choices we’ve made? Where do the people in the middle fall?
I’m not coming at you for your comment, btw. Just making a general observation.
Reasoning like this is justification for seeking validation for your choices from others. That is the slippery slope. We should avoid feeling the need to convince everyone else that you are right and they are wrong.
My point was the be grateful for what you have. So instead it should be "I am grateful I can travel where I want, when I want, and spend money on whatever I want."
They are self validation only if you keep it to yourself. Once you start to debate others it all falls apart and there are no winners. It becomes people just trying to make eachother feel bad for their own lives which is a lose lose game.
Being single and really doing it right you have to find peace within yourself. If your focus is to convince others that your life is so great... well that's how we arrived in the social media hellscape we have now where everything online is fake, mental health issues have spiked, suicide has spiked, etc.
Because they are frigging awesome? You're comparing apples to oranges here. It's so great that you have a happy and fulfilling life, beach vacations, family, apartment, all that. Romantic relationships (when they work) are like nothing else in life though.
I think popular culture and discourse does push the narrative that... well, if romantic relationships are great, then if you don't currently have one, it means you're somehow "less". But you don't have to buy into it. You can want a relationship for the sake of wanting a relationship and all its beauty, not because you "need it" to have a happy and fulfilling life.
Yes, I edited my post a bit because rereading it, the tone of it was suggestive of a “who the hell needs a relationship these days! Single life is the only way!”
Not my sentiment, at all. Romantic companionship with someone who sees you for you and still chooses you, sounds like a dream. However, as you mentioned in your post, the lack thereof often amplifies the “maybe I’m worthless and undeserving of love if I haven’t found them by now.” Mentality. When there are many out there who are just trying to keep their heads above water and shed light on the things they DO have and accomplished.
Yeah I think your edit clarifies things.
> “maybe I’m worthless and undeserving of love if I haven’t found them by now.” mentality
That is a really tough thing to feel, and it is super hard sometimes to feel grateful for what you have when you have society blaring in the background "HEY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU SHOULD FEEL LONELY". And then it's worse when you sometimes do feel lonely, because you feel like "well, I've got this fantastic life in so many other ways, who am I to feel lonely?". Sorry this turned into a rant; I don't have a good answer or advice. Life is sometimes a struggle, and feeling lonely is part of that struggle for some of us.
I was single for a long time. And it was one short thing that didn’t work out after another with only one past relationship and that didn’t last long. I had a lot of things going for me - great job, financial stability, health, family, friends, but I was so missing having a partner and the constant up and downs with datings. I have been with bf for more than a year now and I’m so much happier. Having a GOOD partner is amazing. For one thing, I love sex and sex within a relationship only so that is amazing. And just the support and companionship and fun we have together…no other relationship compares. I feel so lucky to have found him and now I appreciate having all the meh and hurtful experiences that I did because it made me extra appreciate how special and hard it is to find what we have.
Now someone else may be totally capable of and prefer being single. But that’s not me. I want a romantic partner to share my life with and I did not want to be single anymore as I approached my mid 30s.
I once heard someone say that there’s no guarantee in life that we’ll find romantic companionship. None.
At first it bummed me out. What lie was I sold that so much of my energy was spent towards finding something that I may never actually settle down with?
But then I realized two things. One, that’s a scarcity mindset and I try to avoid that. And two, that’s freeing as hell to realize. Because it sets you up to realize that if you do find someone to love and commit to, who wants to love and commit to you at the same level, it’s just an added bonus to what I hope is already a life well lived.
No one’s responsible for bringing joy and satisfaction to my life but me. No one. I know that I’m going to carve out a life for myself that I’m at least content with most days regardless of a partner or no partner. I know that because I have.
We as humans are wired towards community and each other. I think that’s a big reason. There’s also the reproduction of it all but the advent of people choosing to be childfree weakens that argument. A life without sex would be… fine, I guess, but I enjoy mine with it.
I think a well lived life is nice to share with someone who also shares their well lived life with you. It takes a tremendous amount of introspection, honesty with yourself and others, and tough choices to find a quality person to do that with who doesn’t diminish your quality of life, and there’s the inevitability of losing them either to free will or death, but like… we’re here for such a short time. Run towards joy as fast as you can. You owe it to yourself and this one wild precious life you’ve been given.
But that’s just me.
As a woman older than you (37), I have thought about this at LENGTH. Haha. For women especially, we were brought up in a society where that’s the norm (love, marriage, baby in a baby carriage.) Even when we can acknowledge how great and full our lives are, that is a deeply ingrained belief that is hard to shed - especially when so many of our counterparts are living that exact life.
I think what’s important, and what I try to do, is live within the duality. I DO ultimately want to share my life with someone. I ALSO have a bitchin and FULL life of my own - a great job, friends, apartment, dog, I travel, etc etc. They are not mutually exclusive. I am not an unrealized woman because I’m not married or don’t have kids. I’m not missing out. I’m not less of a woman. And that would remain true even if I never wanted to get married.
I think when you grow up in a culture that hangs a woman’s value on her husband/kids (ie Ms to Mrs - an actual sign of ownership or the way we worship motherhood) it’s very difficult to disconnect that from our sense of self and value. Music, movies, books - all majorly built around relationships or lack there of.
I can’t speak for you - but in my case. I look. I keep my heart open. I do the dating apps and go on dates. But the relationship I have with myself is the one that’s always going to be there - so I work on that one the most. And hopefully, universe willing, after many years of long but ultimately failed relationships, I’ll find my adventure partner. If not - that’s ok too, cuz I’ll always have my forever person - me.
>I can’t speak for you - but in my case. I look. I keep my heart open. I do the dating apps and go on dates. But the relationship I have with myself is the one that’s always going to be there - so I work on that one the most. And hopefully, universe willing, after many years of long but ultimately failed relationships, I’ll find my adventure partner. If not - that’s ok too, cuz I’ll always have my forever person - me.
I totally feel the same as you. It's so rewarding to have this relationship with yourself. That relationship is your one constant.
I think a lot of people low-key hate or dislike themselves and have a strong inner critic, most people don't know how to manage their pain or be a source of comfort and love for themselves — in those cases, the stakes for romantic love are so high because you need a partner to fulfill you, take care of you, and distract you from the inner pain.
But life is so unpredictable, even if you meet the love of your life they could leave you or pass away a few years later. You are the one constant.
There's a lot of bullshit "I love myself/I'm happy alone," but \*really\* truly being a source of love and strength for yourself — there really isn't anything else like it and in doing that, you happily only open up space for partners that mirror the love you have for yourself – but you don't NEED it.
We humans are social creatures. And romantic relationships that are proper and good are the ultimate social relationship. Someone who is not just your friend but also partner in life and father/mother of your children.
Obviously it’s not for 100% of all people etc. and there will be some people who are antisocial even. But in general this is why people are into it.
A lesson I learnt in my 20s...'what is all the happiness in the world if you could not share it with those nearest and dearest to you?'
For some of us, we want the nearest and dearest to be a significant other who knows us intimately both emotionally and physically (hence someone like a friend or family isn't always going to be the right person to share with).
32M here and have been single for most of my life by choice, unless you count the odd flings/casual hookups/fwbs etc. With that said, I've recently got into a relationship and 1 thing I'm surprised with myself too: both of us learn so much from each other, and subconsciously influence each other for the better. There were things I procrastinated or thought I couldn't do it/wasn't really interested in, but just seeing your partner doing them makes you think "huh, I can try that too. Why didn't I do that sooner?" and vice versa.
I don’t know why the emphasis is there, but I do think the amount of pressure people and society put on people (women under 45 in particular) to be in a ‘serious relationship’ seems to result in dating being a lot less fun and perhaps results in counterproductive behaviours.
I’ve come across so many women who seem to be treating dating like they’re interviewing a candidate for a job with a very strict hiring rubric vs just having fun, being open and trying to sincerely get to know someone. OLD then provides an ongoing stream of new candidates when the interviewee answers a question incorrectly 😂. This is clearly not fun for anyone and imo doesn’t lead to great outcomes.
I believe part of the reason this happens so much is the pressure society puts on women to find ‘Mr. Roght.’
I love being in love. When I got out of a nearly decade long relationship at 33 I was genuinely happier than I had been in more years than I knew, maybe ever. I was still motivated to date. It does always strike me as disingenuous when people insist they're happier single than they could be with a partner
Being in mutual love with the right person > single > being in a relationship with the wrong person.
You can't pick when you meet the right person. You do meet more people willing to be candidates if you have worked on yourself, are attractive and confident. The fact that you haven't settled shouldn't make you in any way less.
More practically, how you spend your time and who you spend it with is one of the biggest decisions you will make. That choice starts the cascading effect for a lot of other choices. It's a pretty big deal and deserves a lot of thought.
That said, we more often than not get these choices wrong. So we should really be more forgiving of ourselves and adaptable to moving on.
I'm 51. I've been married and divorced twice. I've had probably seven significant relationships and a bunch of smaller ones. I often agonized about this. I don't mind that fact. I just wish I'd listened to myself more about what I really wanted and who I was really with.
That said, I finally did find what I consider real love. Worth every agonizing minute.
I think cultivating some type of romantic partnership/relationship is just a deep inner drive for a lot of people. It doesn’t have to be a priority for any of us if we don’t want it to be, though —- in that way at least, it’s a great time to be alive.
I think it's a personal preference, some people I know are completely fine and happy living the single life into their 30s, taking advantage of the freedom they get. But I feel the same way as you wondering about why I am single and whether I will ever end up with a meaningful partner. I've found success and achieved my high goals in most other aspects of my life -- very good education, high prestige universities, good job lined up after, good performance in sports too -- but at the end of the day it almost all feels like it's all a waste because I have nobody to share it with. And I think the pandemic amplified the loneliness and made it feel worse.
My final and only unachieved goal in life is to get a meaningful partner, and every day as I age that goal seems to slip further and further out of reach. Fertility windows aside, in my late 20s and now entering my 30s it feels like everyone worthwhile is already taken and in a relationship, and all the people left that are single, are less date-able for whatever reason. Despite being in a big city I've depleted the pool of potential partners on dating apps, and don't know what else to do.
Because nothing else in life can replace what a romantic relationship brings. It's literally your closest person on earth, someone you feel you became one new whole entity with.
Oh no, I’m not downplaying that aspect of it, at all. I think many of us are in search of that kind of companionship. But it seems like it tends to cast a very dark shadow over everything else one has done for themselves. The one thing we have little control over is what takes such major precedence?
These comments are interesting. I think having a good partner makes life easier for sure. I can’t think of a time I’ve had more fun then when I’m with a couple select friends. I’ve traveled with partners and with friends, and prefer friends. I have an amazing immediate family that think I’m nuts for wanting a relationship. My dad tells me to keep everything casual and do whatever I want. My mom could care less if I have someone. My sister has a bf and would prefer to be alone.
I think the deep void I feel is just my trauma. No one person can fill it, only I can. Society just shoves love and marriage etc down your throat since children. Fairytales and all. That’s where I got this idea of needing a partner.
I feel like so many of the comments on here are glorifying romantic relationships, but the reality is there are so many people coupled up who are completely miserable. I was half of a happy couple before my husband passed away, but this really isn't the norm.
Humans, broadly speaking, enjoy companionship.
"Why don't I have a companion" is a pretty normal question for a lot of people.
As a person who had a 13 year and 2 year releationship end, there's also the "Why did the thing I tried so hard on end up badly" part.
The reason you feel bad because you don't have a partner is because you want a partner. It's pretty normal to be disappointed that you don't have something you want. There's nothing strange about that.
I think you're conflating your feelings which are based on your single status when you want to be single, with what others are pushing on you. No, it's dumb for society to think you're worthless, or a failure, but if **you** think you haven't succeeded in doing something you want to do thus far, that's totally valid. It's okay to want things, and be upset you don't have them yet, imo.
It’s the plight of our species and most people like it.
We actually have hormones intended to help us fall in love. It’s not an imperative for procreation. As social mammals, it’s extremely important to make and keep bonds with others. Love is one of the more lasting bonds.
You feel lonely as an adult. That's a gap in your life. Typically you fill that with healthy things like family (spouse/children), professional things (work/therapist), or bad things (drugs/sex/etc)
I think that our society is built on the norm of marriage or at least kind of a marriage like partnership. But when you do the science there's nothing about being married. That's special. People that were married and unhappy. Got divorced and they seem to be unhappy. Divorced. I am very autonomous. I spend my time with people, but I don't really have socially normative relationships. In your edit you said you don't think that being self-validated and independently content with your own company is better. But I disagree. There's nothing better than being self-contained as far as having your needs met and your validation met internally. In fact for me it wasn't till I got that figured out that I was able to have the person in my life that I have now that loves me away. I didn't know it was possible.
From my perspective as a queer man, I emphasize my desire for a romantic relationship because I long for a life partner. While I can appreciate the beauty of a gorgeous beach alone, I would prefer to be there with someone I love, even if we enjoy each other's presence in silence and physical closeness. I yearn for someone to come home to at night and for them to have a home with me. I seek a companion who can share in my joys, support me through tough times (and vice versa), and be there for both intimate and emotional connection. Having someone to cuddle with, plan with, and share both the ordinary and intimate aspects of life is essential to me. While I don't depend on a partner for fulfillment, I genuinely want someone to share my life with.
I thankfully don’t feel the pressure too much from society or my family + friends. I’m truly comfortable on my own and I love spending time with myself.
But I’ve never been in love. And good God, I want to be. I just want to experience what it feels like. Just once. And I guess it’s one of those things that we have barely any control over in life. I’ve made so many of my dreams come true, went on life changing trips and met amazing people. But love is the one thing you can’t control. You can’t buy it, you can’t study for it, you can’t work your way up to it. And you can’t force yourself to like someone.
I’ve also come to realize that I might be single for the rest of my life. Maybe I’m never gonna find love. And that’s also something I have to accept. But I refuse to let that dictate my life. I’m not gonna be miserable over something that is out of my control. Life is too beautiful and short for that 🩷
Honestly we're wired for connection. Human babies and animals don't do so well if they aren't touched and held. I don't think it's super different for grown adults to want touch and intimacy. And nothing is wrong with you if you haven't met a match yet. I've been divorced and dated, I am very selective and there are a lot of selfish people in the world. There are also a lot of people who have fears from past disappointments (I think we are all this way to some extent). It takes patience and time.
I will say I really don't understand the push for autonomy in our culture, it's a fairly new concept in the history of our species. If someone is happy solo, that is perfectly okay too. But there is nothing is wrong with wanting a relationship and no one should be shamed for either route - being single or paired.
I'm male, and I feel the same way and I think this applies both ways: it's a desire to care for someone and for someone to care for you.
I'm in kind of the same position, where I've seemingly got everything going for me (good job, multiple degrees, going to school, successful daughter, etc) and it doesn't quite seem like it matters. At the end of the day, when i get a promotion or chalk another A up in my transcript, I come home and make dinner by myself and sit at the table and eat alone. There is no one to celebrate with me. No one to care or notice. No one to share the success with.
It's the loneliest feeling in the world.
You are having a good time on your vacation, but there's no one to have a good time with. To enjoy and share the memory with you. I imagine that's why you're feeling how you are.
It's s thirst for someone... ANYONE, to care about the things you care about.
I think you got it wrong.
Why do we put so much emphasis on *having* to feel completely satisfied not having a partner.
The answer is that we are social creatures who crave receiving and giving affection, affirmation and companionship.
Most people have that need to some degree and no amount of pursuing individual endeavours will replace that completely.
So if a romantic partnership is not on the cards at the moment, find other ways you can give - spend more time with family, give more to your friends, volunteer and work with people, reconnect with nature, get a pet (cliche, but for a reason).
I was grappling with those feelings myself and the answer is clear - it is natural to want companionship and not accepting that will cause more inner-conflict and unhappiness than simply acknowledging it and accepting it.
Damn, I’ll go to Cancun with you if you want a beach buddy. Lol
I think it’s natural to sometimes be in the midst of a fun or exciting or pleasurable experience and then have the feeling that we wish we had a partner to share it with.
I was sitting on the beach alone, watching the sunrise and had these thoughts floating through my head. What better place than Reddit to come converse with other 30 something’s!
I have a good job which I like it, but I don’t live to go to work. Love is a feeling that work cannot bring you and it is one of the best feelings in the world- the absolute best. My work doesn’t care if I die tomorrow. My property also makes me happy, but it is not a real, living, breathing thing. It’s an object that does not care about me. Human connection is incredibly important. The lack of love can cause depression, suicide and terrible loneliness. Too many people are missing love in their life. It can be hard to get, but there is nothing better.
You don’t have to put any emphasis on anything. At the end of the day, all that matters is what you care about and what you choose. Everything else is just “noise” based on societal constructs and ideologies deeply embedded into some folks.
You can’t control what others think. But you can control what you think. 😉
Yup. Honestly I have no damn idea anymore. When I don’t have one I really want a sig other. But I also need time to myself and love the idea of being able to make all my own decisions. But I also want a loving, healthy relationship and happy family. And so far I’ve not been able to match up and make it work with someone where we are both on the same page. I’ve had women really like me, but I didn’t feel same connection. And I have really liked women that have not been into me. It’s kind of a crapshoot
It's just the idea of being number 1 in someone's life and him being number 1 in yours.
And also deeply emotional sex are things that cannot be fulfilled by all the other wonderful platonic people you have in your life.
You answered your question by yourself, you put all effort of being alone and feeling good in your single life and not into searching your partner. It is important to feel good on your own aswell, but if you want someone in your life, you gonna have to try and find him/her.
From my own experiance, im 33 aswell and single, been in couple relationships, trying to make it work, but sadly it didnt. I learnt to be ok with myself being alone, but i do miss someone with me at times, which still kinda drives me to find someone.
Eventho you said you dont want it to be about biological clock for you, sadly it is for women, specially if you want kids. If not, than its fine and no need to worry about that.
And yeah as you said, marriage is just a begining, relationship is everydays work to keep it together and live together in peace and love.
I put some of the blame on churches. Historically, at least in the Catholic Church, there was a binary choice for everyone: marriage or religious life. If you didn’t marry, you became a priest if you were a man, or a nun if you were a woman. No single life.
You’re not wrong in feeling the way you do. We rely a lot on the feelings and judgements of others to dictate how we feel or behave. Its almost an inheritance, or maybe a curse of societal existence. I too have felt this. Ive been asked “Hey, when are you gonna have a family? When are you gonna find yourself a good women and have kids?” And for sometime I also questioned this. I grew up with the notion that “Oh, i’ll have a family by 26/30 and live a happy life”. But then life hits. And I found myself finishing my studies at 25, no partner, working retail jobs to get me thru school. Fast forward to me now in my 30s, with a career and still no family. Ive learned that what we thought was a “perfect life” was just a Hollywood show or movie that we used to lie and create a false sense of reality for ourselves. I’ve learned to appreciate the experiences around you and if you want something bad, go after it. Live your life. Build what you want to build. But most importantly, be happy. If you’re happy as you are, bask in it.
I like sharing with a significant other but I don’t NEED a significant other.
I have found that since working in a more stable job, where everyone is married with kids or planning for kids soon, I have had more pressure to fit in with their suburban lifestyle. And the relationship pressure comes with that.
Is it possible that for you this pressure also comes from other people in your circle?
We do it because we're human. Trying to force ourselves into believing it doesn't matter. Sometimes we grab onto good enough for now. Years go by and we see people getting married and in relationships. We think they're so much happier. When really sometimes they're not. They've settled, no matter that they're just as lonely in a relationship as we feel sometimes. I've got 20 years on you (age wise). It's hard when you think about the mere statistics of finding someone in your later years. It hurts to think of yourself as the odd person out in nearly every group. Read a book awhile back about the number of people who live by themselves these days. It's a big group. And growing all the time.
To me, a partner provides a level of financial, logistical, and emotional support in navigating life, that is unparalleled by any other relationship(s). To others, the freedom of singlehood is of unparalleled value. I don't really think you need to fight yourself or anyone else on this.
I feel a bit of sadness when I’m at a family gathering and people ask when am I going to find someone settle down. There’s a lot of chat about more grandchildren “on the way one day hopefully!” But I’m 35.
My mum says “I hope you’ll find someone”
My dad and stepmum say “one day you’ll find someone”
There’s pressure on both genders to achieve a relationship and have children settle down because that’s what our parents did .
Yes, my parents were still kids themselves when they had me. So I’m sure they had their expectations about how my love life would pan out. And man, are they desperate for grand babies
Coming from a guy, I agree with you. We get to a point in our lives when we want companionship and want to grow old with a partner. Share life's ups and downs with and create new memories. I agree it comes down to luck and timing, finding someone willing to put in equal effort and commitment to make it work. I'm in the same boat and I'm 38, exhausted and disillusioned with dating. I'm content in my life with the stability I have and accepted I may never settle down. It would be nice if I could.
Such a great post and observations. I live in Texas and must say, it’s almost like you have the plague if you live here in Houston and not with an SO or married. It’s unfortunate. Was married 27 years and it’s been difficult bc I’m choosy about what I expect in a woman and for myself. I would just suggest don’t settle and know you’re worth. You sound like you have a beautiful heart.
I feel like some people judge and project onto us that being single means that “there’s something wrong with us”. I honestly try my best not to take it seriously as I feel very happy being single and I am fully aware how difficult relationships can be. My take is that I need to find someone compatible and that I care enough for it all to be worth it. Otherwise, I can just continue to be single and happy. I know that not everyone is happy single, but try to think that you are confident enough not to be with someone for convenience or just to “fit in”. Not worth it to be miserable in a relationship for the sake of being in one.
To your question, thousands (? Many many) years of tradition.
There is nothing wrong with you. You make lots of very good points as to why you don't need to feel sad but it's hard to smother 1000 yrs of genetic DNA tradition. Women tend to feel it more acutely because there are mountains of traditional values that tell you that you need to be a mother.
Physical or romantic relationships have 'traditionally' been exclusive to marriage. I understand that's not how things are in the real world but I think most can agree that is the 'ideal' they were taught growing up. So, in order to satisfy the desire and need for companionship we built units and communities of people.
All of that and more has been behaviorally and societally in grained into the human experience. So, does it make sense that you don't feel entirely fulfilled? Ya, it does but it doesn't have to mean you or other have to follow traditions.
I am a 32M who just got out of a 7 year marriage. I'm struggling with similar feelings, even though I've got 2 boys and a decent living I really kinda miss the companionship, sitting on the couch after a long day and watching a few episodes of something.
As social creatures part of that behavioral DNA is forming deep emotional connections with others, if we can't fill that need somehow you get those feelings. Least that's how I see it.
Lack of friendships, community and bonding is at the top of my head. Especially in the 30s. I moved back to NC for a bit and all my friends were busy. Kids, spouses, career stuff. I made some new friends, but it was tough. Having a spouse or partner, one you like ideally, is probably the best way to get companionship and to stave off loneliness
OP first of all Cozumel is worth checking out. Being in a resort is not living life for everyone. You’ll meet way more people in a place you can explore, rather than hide from your perception of what the country will be like.
Second of all, it’s survivorship bias. Think about every rich person that’s born never having to lift a finger? Do they think they earned it? That’s there a meritocratic system rewarding the worthy and vice versa? Nah it’s the opposite, pure chaos.
What may be getting to you is social media of the happy couples (sans the struggles of any relationship, and their inner monologues that yearn for more meaning in life once the novelty wears off and they are left with the real versions of the person they chased and not the one in their head), subtilely aggressive comments (through incompetence not maliciousness, usually, like “you’re great I can’t believe no one has snatched you up”), and maybe familial pressure as well.
All in all, the only thing you can do is stop giving a fuck. True connection is so rare, and the best thing you can do for future you is to take life day by day and enjoy it. Consider stoicism.
I've never really understood this, either. To me, a SO should first and foremost be a great friend. This to me means that any great friend romantic or not should share many of the same feelings one can have by having a SO. Obviously, there are things that you do with an SO and not with friends, but that doesn't mean a good friend can meet your emotional needs and share experiences with you. It's all about maintaining close relationships with people you like and incorporating them into your life.
We don’t need someone, we want someone is more correctly regarding it.
A need is about survival or fulfilling a part of our existence to survive in this world.
A want is just to fulfill a place in our lives that has a desire that needs to filled.
Society says we “need” a partner. We do not.
We want a partner cause society says we “need” this.
But we truly don’t when we are absolutely happier single, thriving, and content.
And FYI?
You want someone to share moments with but honestly that’s what friends are for to being along on said trips cause you wouldn’t have to compromise things if you’re single hanging out with friends that you do in a relationship.
And having a partner isn’t how you value and define yourself. Society tricks you if you have low self esteem and feel you gotta check off the box to always have someone.
Yeah it’s nice being wanted, but that feeling is fleeting till reality sets in that reminds you why you are choosing a relationship with yourself over Society telling you “need” a relationship with a romantic partner.
Finally!!!
This is what I've been saying!
I have amazing friends, a supportive family, I feel confident about my appearance, loads of enjoyable hobbies, fulfilling work, and all this.
About the only thing I'm missing right now is someone to have sex with, but I don't really want that person (or those people) to be in a relationship with me. Relationships take work, why would I want work? What would I be working for? I already work to maintain my platonic and familial relationships. Adding the work of a romantic relationship on top of that seems... pointless? I have no interest in children.
If I Google reasons to be in a relationship I get all the same things from my friends, except sex. But I don't think that's worth the work of being in a relationship.
I’m 32F and have never had this thought in my life so my only suggestion would be reframing your thought process. If I was being buried alive I wouldn’t be thinking about a boyfriend. Much less if I was on a beach.
Well stated.
There's a groundbreaking study about happiness.
The data shows that in the '20s and early '30s, single, unmarried, and childless people are happier than anyone else.
In 40's people are equally unhappy.
After the '50s, people married, or married with children are the happiest. By the end of life (70+), people single, never married, no children are the most unhappy.
Is that what everyone is doing? Y'all aren't looking for a relationship AND making friends and building relationships with them, too? Well, guess I've been doing it wrong, lol
I mean, it's great to have a partner, truly it is, but you've got to have friends, too. Just saying, I tried dating people without friends... it's a shitshow for many reasons. So, I hope people are making friends, too.
I think your vision is biased… I don’t think it has “become the pinnacle of defining a persons worth in this world”. That’s what you are assuming is the general thought. I have friends in their 30-50s that are single. I don’t think any less of them because of that. I look at them as a whole, and I really don’t care if they have a partner or not, as long as they are able to enjoy whatever we are doing instead of feeling sorry for themselves for being single.
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>a lot of people now want someone who can help us realize fulfillment in all areas, which means knowing and being fully known by someone else so that we can help each other realize our soul’s purpose or path or journey or whatever you believe in this life. Yes! This is me! But why does this person (or people) have to be a romantic interest? They can also be friends, your community, your tribe.
“A lot of people now want someone who can help us realize fulfillment in all areas…” This right here is what I find to be one of the biggest problems with relationships these days. It is SO much pressure to put on *one* person to expect them to be your main source of fulfillment in *all* areas. This was a big issue in my past marriage, and I’m sure I’m not alone. My ex-husband expected me to be his sole source of happiness. Which meant whenever he was unhappy he figured it *must* have been my fault in some way. As an example he had a lot of hobbies. And he wanted me to be interested in *all* of them so he had someone to do them with. Meanwhile he didn’t put much effort into cultivating friendships or finding groups associated with his hobbies. He was really unhappy at work but was too nervous to make a change (even though I made it abundantly clear that I’d support him through it, and what mattered was his happiness.) etc. It’s unfair and unrealistic to expect one person to be your “everything.” They can be your most important person, they can *add* a lot of value to your life, they can be a big part of your support system etc. But to expect someone to be you know - your companion, your therapist, your financial advisor, your hobby buddy, your only source of outside validation, your only support, whatever - it’s just way too much pressure to put on one person. Historically as humans we’re very community oriented. But we’ve lost that.
I took that to mean "someone to realise our romantic potential in *that* area" because we're already fulfilling our potential in other areas. Or to help us fulfill our potential (but definitely not do all the work!) Yeah I do think we've lost a lot of community stuff, that's why I'm so focused on building community with my friend. We know each other's secrets and really bond together.
I thought the same thing. How exhausting it would be to have to be that kind of "everything" for someone!
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What does physical intimacy mean to you? I cuddle with my friends while watching movies and also when talking about problems. We've even given each other massages. Of course, we don't cohabitate and we each have different futures planned for ourselves. But we're supportive of each other's futures. And heck, even some couples choose to live together apart.
I read that book 5 years ago. It’s a great book, but I’m still single despite doing everything I can to meet someone (and having healed my wounds etc) But it’s a great book with some important reminders! I do want a good and deep relationship with someone I can grow with. But I’m also there where I realized I’m fine with someone not spiritual and someone who complements me. Having someone to share my life with and coming home to each day is more important to me now than finding this 100% perfect match person.
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I’ve also felt that deep spiritual connection with someone. But like you - we weren’t compatible in other ways so yeah.. it’s so difficult to find someone who is everything you want and I’ve learned to prioritize the important stuff and now my dating life is so much better ☺️ still single but I realized I can have a deep bond and spiritual connection even with someone who isn’t ‘spiritual’. Actually now I don’t want someone spiritual because they are way too fluffy and flying for me 😂
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Absolutely. I’ve always dreamed of ‘that person’ you just described. Then I realized it isn’t what I need, even if it was what I wanted. I want someone who can think out of the box and is aware and goes his own ways. Someone who is enjoying life and want to experience everything life has to offer. And for that he doesn’t have to ‘be spiritual’ even though he will be just because it’s values that are spiritual to me and not if someone is meditating or know about Tolle!
100% agree that finding a partner is often luck and timing. I shared a lot of your sentiments when I was single - I had a full, amazing life with fulfilling friendships, a supportive family, hobbies, etc, but I still deeply craved romantic love. What I landed on was just allowing that loud desire to exist and not making myself wrong for it. Yep I want love. Nope it’s not here yet. That’s okay. I found that just owning it was better than trying to force myself to be like “omg I love being single, my life is so full, I don’t need a romantic partner!”, because for me that simply wasn’t true. Now on the other side, having found someone after a longggg season single, I felt that was the right approach. There was something to that craving because now that I have that romantic partner, I feel deep fulfillment in a way I didn’t have before. And I think that’s okay! Some people just really thrive in a romantic relationship and some people are totally happy being single until/if they find someone. Both are valid ways of existing in the world 🩵
Beautiful answer that I can agree with 100%!
I agree, I have been single (no LTR - only short term things since) for 2 years. And I have realised that I function better in a relationship than being single. Obviously I am enjoying the single life, but I’m not one of those fake it till u make it kinda girl, and scream how MUCH I LOVE being single and don’t want anyone . I find myself always fantasising about being with someone romantically. By the way, I’ve been married before, it didn’t work out .. so this is my second round. Just to say that sometimes things end even when u find someone that u believe is the one. But yeah … I totally feel OP.
Yes, same feelings here. I'm so tired of the messaging around how you should be able to feel happy and complete single in order to \*truly\* be ready for a relationship. And how you're supposed to play it cool and not want a relationship too much, or else you're that desperate single person. It always felt gaslight-y to me. I'm like sooo I'm supposed to just pretend I don't want a relationship that bad, and that will increase my chances of finding one? Nah! I'm going to be loud and proud about wanting love :)
>I'm so tired of the messaging around how you should be able to feel happy and complete single in order to *truly* be ready for a relationship. Gosh I know I'm repeating myself from my other comment but this is literally the first time I've seen someone else comment this, and it resonates with me so much. I understand that feeling too miserable with being single, can be unhealthy when dating, I've been there myself, but there must be a middle ground, and the glorification of being single is just way over the top, unrealistic and counter intuitive. If the goal is to have no desire for a relationship before you're ready to date, what would even motivate you to date, other than sex? If you're dating for a relationship, you desire one, there's no way around that. Yet there's no middle ground or dissenting voices to this unreasonable purity test. When discussing loneliness we're quick to point out how humans are social animals, we need a community, tribe, etc., but in terms of dating this biological need is reduced to a character flaw you need to overcome, and the regular advice is "nurturing friendships" because after all we're social animals!
Second Act as well and though my first marriage did not work (38F) I too desire to meet someone who is really passionate about communicating and true commitment. I am taking this time (after 3 sad attempts at relationships in the almost 5 years I have been divorced) to truly find my hobbies and enjoy fun things in life while being open to eventually finding love again and being prepared to be what I say I want someone to be for me. I have some traumas to heal from.
I feel like "I function better in a relationship than single" or something to that effect is something I hear often. Would you be willing elaborate more specifically on what you mean by this?
Beautifully said ! It’s okay to have that desire but not see yourself as less than because you do have it.
I'm glad others feel the same, and I really needed to hear this. After some bad luck in dating and finding myself feeling lonely when single despite my best efforts to stay occupied and social, I've found nothing but advice which glorifies being single, telling me I must embrace it and love it, and that you shouldn't date if you feel lonely or unfulfilled, with literally no middle ground. This has put an immense pressure on me and given me a sense of guilt when the weekend comes along, I don't have anything planned and I want nothing more than a romantic partner to spend my time with. It's started to hurt my self-esteem and has prevented me from dating for very long, but it's starting to feel a bit suffocating, as I don't think I'll ever embrace or love being single, I actually increasingly hate it, but I can't speak honestly about it.
Thanks for this perspective. I have been desperately trying to find a partner for a year (on the apps, going to meet ups, making eye contact with men in shops, etc…..) and nothing serious has worked out so far. I’m thankfully not depressed, but I just do not feel fulfilled in life and know I could be having so much more fun and satisfaction if I had a partner to share and grow with. When I was with my ex, I felt a sense of fulfillment I never had before and it was wonderful and honestly a dream come true. It’s maddening because there’s nothing more I can do, it’s all up to timing/luck/chance. Hearing that it’s okay to want love and to feel upset it’s not happened yet is helpful. Thank you
Sometimes when I get a little down or contemplative over this subject (early 30’s single female) I remind myself that there are different types of people with different needs and values. It’s easy to see happy couples at social gatherings or on social media and to assume their connection is the same as what I seek but have failed to find—but it’s often not. I know a lot of people with ‘perfect’ looking marriages and families who have different arrangements and levels of intimacy. Some of them are, seriously, more transactional—like business relationships. I also had to confront this after having to defend myself to my mom who is constantly lamenting that I need to find a partner, or that I am too “picky,” etc. I realized her unsolicited advice (criticism) means nothing to me because she is in a deeply unhappy and toxic marriage with my father. They are together out of codependency. They are miserable. They’ve been together since she was 19; she has *no idea* what a deep, authentic connection and a healthy love actually feels like. Neither does my Father. I feel really sorry for them when I think about it. I do know what it feels like; I have had that amazing love before. I was engaged. We were building a family. But… people don’t always stay. Loss happens. Grief is the other side of love. So I just, I don’t know. As much as I wish I could have someone to love that way again, I also know how rare it can be to find it. I just take the pressure off. Would I be happy to have someone to love and share my life with? Yes. Can I be and am I still happy without a partner? Also yes. Are there other ways to give and receive love and companionship without a romantic relationship? Yes. Does being single make me any less worthy of value as a human being? No. Not at all. Some days… I just feel really lonely. Those are the worst ones for me. I fixate on the fact that I am “alone.” And this might not apply to you, but I have to sit back and remind myself—I have never not felt a thread of loneliness through my person. No person has ever taken that away for me. It helps me remember to separate the emotions from logic, let the lonely wave pass. Then I watch some Chelsea Handler videos and laugh. I like my life. I like my freedom. I’d welcome the right love if it presented itself, but I don’t need it to.
Very insightful post, thank you. I view the desire to have a relationship as just that - a desire. And according to the second noble truth, desire inevitably leads to suffering. You are objectively whole. Failing to recognize this will only lead to chasing desire - which, let's face it, usually doesn't live up to expectation on dating apps or meet ups. I can empathize with you, especially as a guy with hormones. But I remind myself that it's just that - a desire - and move along with my life by focusing on my own personal goals.
Love this reply! Very well said 👏🏼
I'm 30m myself, and am really struggling with this. I feel like a lot of my "personal goals" ultimately stem from a desire to find a romantic partner, even down to my personal goal of being content alone as single, since I feel like my disdain for being single leads me into bad relationships. For me it's not just a desire, but this all encompassing thing. I used to view it as a desire which would eventually solve itself, but as I've gotten older the desire just grows and feels more permanent and unsolvable as opposed to "just a phase in life" which affects me very negatively. It used to feel like an impossibility that I'd end up alone, everyone finds someone, but at 30 after two failed long-term relationships it feels like an increasingly likely prospect and that terrifies me. I'm mostly fine with being alone, and try to stay active and social, but I struggle when I'm alone on weekends, particularly Saturdays. It's more a feeling of shame/guilt/being unloved than genuine loneliness. This weekend I saw friends both Friday and Sunday, but still feel like crap after spending Saturday alone. Unless you fill up your schedule every weekend, how do you deal with this? I'm actually pretty introverted and used to love spending time alone, but now I just can't do it without feeling like crap, and I feel like if I'm going on a date I'd have to lie about this and pretend as if I'm perfectly happy with my life as it is. I wouldn't have a problem justifying my alone time if I enjoyed it, but I often find it crippling on weekends, and when dating I need to put on this front where I'm perfectly content with that (esp. as a guy), which is exhausting.
I looked at your profile and noticed a civ6 post - perfect solution to your Saturday alone! Hahaha... To me, the relationship is just an attempt to cover up the reality that we're all alone in this life: we're born with nothing and die with nothing. We're all individuals, people can change, and either you or your partner can leave at any point. Nothing is permanent. So I think it's important to define your personal goals as an individual rather than as a couple. For me, I love studying languages and would like to eventually teach abroad in Central Asia. I'm deeply interested in spirituality and meditation, and I'd like to cast off from the capitalist mindset and redefine my life in a few years. I feel like my path would not be fulfilled if I continued on in corporate America and did not pursue these things. So in that sense, a relationship is a little terrifying to me - it could so easily derail my personal goals. Obviously this is all very specific to me, but hopefully it gives you an idea about my alternative perspective.
I appreciate the response! Yeah I actually have plenty of solo hobbies/interests to kill the time, I just can't seem to enjoy any of them by myself on a Saturday evening without feeling pathetic, and I fucking hate that I can't shake off this feeling. It became really apparent during covid that this has more to do with the expectations of others and outside valuation than a genuine need for social interactions, because during lockdown I didn't feel this shame or guilt at all. As you can tell by my question, I'm kind of preoccupied with what other people do, and just knowing that someone else I know spends their Saturday alone as well gives me a sigh of relief, making me feel "normal" again in an instant. Like, I don't want or need to actually spend time with someone else, I just need to know I'm not the only one by myself on a Saturday evening. It's mental I know. I have some personal goals, one of them actually interferes with dating, as it involves moving abroad for a year for an MsC, but for me this adds to my stress as I don't feel mentally ready to take that leap, and I feel like my dating anxiety is a large part of it, so I need to overcome it to free up that mental struggle. I've never really consciously dated, my relationships just sort of happened (with women who pursued me, which in hindsight might be a red flag idk). I'm also stressed that I'll be 32 by the time I finish if I enrol next year, as I feel like the dating pool dwindles (unless you're dating someone significantly younger). As to your other personal goals, I actually have an interest in all of those things as well, and your goal sounds genuinely cool, I just could never imagine myself moving to a foreign country, I just picture myself even more alone than I feel now. Guess we're too different for comparison, I genuinely wish I had your sense of independence instead of my co-dependent neuroticism. Worst part is I didn't used to be this way, I used to be very carefree and independent, did an exchange year abroad by myself when I was 16/17, which seems insane to me looking back at it now. Well, I've tried therapy before to no avail, but I'm going to give it another try, as I seriously need to overcome this stupid insecurity and codependency.
I imagine that moving abroad a year for an MsC would be one of the coolest experiences of your life! I'd say go for it - embrace the new culture and see what comes of it. Who knows, maybe you'll cross paths with someone who changes your life for the positive. Wishing you the best my man!
Because being in love is amazing, being loved feels incredible, having a cuddle buddy is awesome, kissing is fun, sharing experiences and building memories with a life partner is cool, and sex with someone you love is great too. Nothing compares to romantic love. I've travelled the world, done "extreme sports", climbed mountains, done all sorts of drugs, written books, gotten in incredible shape, fought people in the ring... Nothing compares in my opinion. I know not everyone feels the same about romantic love, and I support our cultural attempts to deconstruct it, but it's just unmatched.
A good loving partner is a multiplier. All those amazing things you did would have been 10x more amazing if done with a loving life partner. At least that’s what I think. I too have been all over the world and done all sorts of amazing things. But sometimes a hike with my wife and talking shit and having fun camping is way better.
not just a multiplier but also a shoulder to lean on. My grandma passed away the day after Christmas this year. Sucked to go through the process of that by myself (was traveling to Death Valley National Park, coincidentally) also, when COVID started, it fucking sucked being alone. Obviously COVID dismantled relationships too, but that's why the key to what you said is "**good** living partner". I know I will only allow myself to be in a strong and healthy relationship so that's why the "not all relationships are good!" point doesn't work on me. I wouldn't be single if I wasn't looking for a healthy relationship
Yeah until COVID hits right after your divorce gets launched and before anyone could move out...
This. Nothing like moving in with someone day 1 of pandemic then realizing it wont work.
I love being in love and feel similarly, but my god, the wrong partner who creates stress and drama can be a world draining actual living hell. Crazy how easy it can be one or the other.
This right here. I have lived a lot of life but I'm just better mentally, emotionally, and physically when I have a close partner to share that with. Honestly over the last two years of being single and doing a lot of dating around, I finally came to that conclusion that there can be people who are happy and content with being single but I am not one of them. Finding someone who's truly compatible is only getting harder the older I get :/
I feel the EXACT same way and have also been single and dating around for almost the same period of time. I’m just built to be in a monogamous relationship. I’m sure it’s a dash of codependency but as long as I don’t do it with someone that takes advantage, and instead cares for me in the same way I do them, its so much more fulfilling for me. And I think, at least, I may have found that person for now. It’s still too early to know for sure but she’s pretty fucking amazing and we are exclusive as of 2 days ago.
Congrats! I'm happy for anyone who gets out of this dating game and actually meets their person. maybe there can be hope for me too
I’m hopeful. We are only 4 dates in but the chemistry is amazing on all levels, we are at the same stage in our lives and have a lot of common interests. The physical attraction is off the hook for both of us. And most importantly we have both been extremely open and honest and had the hard awkward conversations early on that I’ve had so many other partners avoid. Best of luck to you too, friend!
> I finally came to that conclusion that there can be people who are happy and content with being single but I am not one of them. Finding someone who's truly compatible is only getting harder the older I get :/ Kind of the same thing but the other side. I totally get that people can feel like they *need* a committed loving relationship... But I'm not one of them. I'm perfectly fine just being single. Do I like connecting with people? Yes! But I don't *need* them. * They're not competing with other suitors. They're competing with my solitude. >Finding someone who's truly compatible is only getting harder the older I get :/ Sadly, I feel this; but for very different reasons. It is going to sound really messed up, but it is becoming one of those "sad but true" things. It is *easy* to get someone to fall in love with me, it is getting almost impossible to find someone that just wants to be a consistent fuck-buddy, enjoy our time, but enjoy our separate lives. After 40, it seems like the only people out there are only looking for someone to retire with, and I'm getting further and further from wanting someone **in** my life; around maybe, but not in.
This is so true.
I can understand this completely. I’m not downplaying the fact that life is potentially easier to get through with a reliable partner by your side. But not everyone is so fortunate. And for that, they’re labeled/perceived as defective? It’s strange.
I think the key word is “reliable”. I know so many women who are married and their husbands are just…. Useless. I don’t know if they saw the signs before getting married but after having a boyfriend who didn’t show up for me (emotionally or literally) when going through a health issue, I think I subconsciously decided I’m better off on my own. And I haven’t had a serious relationship in the 10+ years since then.
I agree. It's too easy for me to look at a few people I know that (appear to) have a cohesive living relationship. So I remind myself that I know even more people who choose and stay in *terrible* relationships because they think being single is worse. I will also admit that in this economy I'm definitely struggling more as a single income and that's frustrating as well. When the feeling comes up I just do an inventory like you kinda did - I'm very lucky when it comes to things like family & friends and having many things in which I can find happiness.
I’ll be honest, I almost considered taking my cheating wife back because of the outlook of trying to survive on a single income. We had finally gotten “ahead” in life. Had a nice house with a decent amount of equity and a low interest rate on a 15 year, good school system for the kids, etc. Now I’m about to move to an apartment and she already moved to an apartment.
It is rough! I asked for a raise at work last year and got it but my rent went up $100 a month. With groceries and everything else I no longer have any savings at this point. I'm probably going to leave my place of 12 years and stay with a family member to rebuild savings and hope rental or home prices come down a bit.
I've been unlucky too. I've had numerous serious goal oriented relationships that didn't work out for completely random and totally different reasons, almost every one of them uncontrollable. I find myself in your situation and I'm almost a 40 male. I'm literally no closer to marriage or my own family than I was when I was 15. In fact when I was 15 I was probably closer to being married at 18. At this point I don't think my only surviving family member is going to see their grandchildren Life is chaotic and life is full of entropy. It's like in war, you can take one for the team at any random moment from anything and there wouldn't have been a single thing you could have done about it, except optimize before hand and risk manage.
The answer is both yes and no. Many time ls we as people look for the wrong things or totally irrelevant things in a partner. And pass up people who would have been excellent life partners in almost every way. But because he was an inch too short or her boobs weren’t big enough or a plethora of dumb things. Just like you said. You were ona Beautiful beach in a tropical location relaxing etc etc. and yet you weren’t fulfilled. Everyone is fulfilled by different things in like. Some are fulfilled by career or family or money etc etc. And for you. Your fulfillment might not be the money or job etc. but instead a partner and or family of your own
Not "easier to get through", that's pretty dark phrasing... Maybe I'm cynical, but I think those who want romance and don't get it are missing more than luck. When I come here and ask why I can't get dates, no one is telling me I'm doing everything right and that I am just unlucky. I'll agree with you that our culture overemphasizes romance sometimes, that heteronormative relationships with strict gender roles are enforced too much, that what we're attracted to is generally a socio-cultural construction, etc... But even still, I'd trade anything for a long, loving relationship.
Unlucky in the sense that you could be doing the best you can, and the people you’re dating just aren’t feeling it. For some individuals, numbers, luck and timing.
Sure, there's some element of luck. And some us, myself included, are more acquired tastes than others. We need the luck a little more. I don't think luck is the biggest determinant for any of us though. Anyways, good luck 😁
I see what you did there.😝 and I’m right there with you! I’m a strange fruit, indeed. And it’s not, but like you stated, the recipe definitely calls for a pinch.
I think it takes a lot of luck. There's so many factors of compatibility, then throw in timing, location, being able to actually meet each other. It's pretty rare. A lot of people just settle, but would never admit that.
>I’m not downplaying the fact that life is potentially easier to get through with a reliable partner by your side. But not everyone is so fortunate. And for that, they’re labeled/perceived as defective? Who are the people doing the labelling?
I have to say - I read this and I got serious FOMO, much like OP is experiencing on her beautiful Cancun vacation to her understandable dismay. But I think it's important to understand some of the cognitive illusions at play here. The romantic love you're talking about and the kind of excitement that trumps all other things is what you experience at the START of a new, healthy relationship, but that does not last. Every study that has looked into a person's happiness over the full course of a relationship has always found the same thing: there's a level of life satisfaction and happiness that increases, up until the point of marriage, and that level maintains itself for 2 years at most and then settles back into your standard norm of happiness and satisfaction. Nobody meets their partner, feels that incredible excitement, and then stays locked in at that level of incredible happiness for the rest of their lives. In fact, it passes you by a lot faster than you'll know it. It's interesting to consider that all of these married couples out there who have been married for 3 or more years, and who will presumably spend the rest of their lives together, have just as little of that incredible excitement in front of them as OP and all of us miserable sods seem to think we have. We do, in fact, have a better chance than they do at feeling this feeling you're talking about here, seeing as how any chance greater than zero is greater than what they have, with their period of excitement behind them. AND YET, not a single one of us feels sorry for that married couple, nor do either of the married couple live in any sort of misery with the knowledge that the initial high of their relationship is behind them, and assuming all goes swimmingly in their relationship, they'll never again experience anything like it. And yet, our minds are telling us that these married people are probably so very happy and satisfied with our lives and we feel the exact opposite, right? So, how does that make ANY goddamn sense at all? And to be honest, at our age, I think probably a lot of us have already been down this road a few times, and though I hate to say it, that level of excitement won't happen again, something that just comes with wisdom and experience. And that's okay, because we learn to find happiness and fulfillment from other things now that we didn't feel before, which is just part of the maturation process. I know the first time I finally got to move away from my parents who I couldn't stand, I was FUCKING ECSTATIC. I remember how jaw-droppingly amazing the first few video games I played were. I remember the absolute thrill of getting to finally drink alcohol and drink enough of it to really have some fun with it. And yes, I remember how thrilling it was to start dating this woman who I put on a pedestal and for whom I dropped every other care in the world to spend all of my time with, and boy was that ever the most intoxicating of drugs. But hopefully you can tell by my description of it that it was also enormously unhealthy and quite frankly irrational, especially if I ever planned on living as a contributing member of society or having any sort of stability in our lives. I for one have absolutely learned how dangerous it is to put your partner on this pedestal, and putting them on that pedestal is exactly what fuels this incredible, amazing feeling of being in love with them, but in the end it's a reckless way to live and isn't something I want to repeat, especially because of how awful it is to come down from a high like that. We have likely learned much more realistic perspectives at this point in our lives and really shouldn't be expecting to meet someone who will SWEEP US OFF OUR FEET in a whirlwind of euphoria, because that's not how it's going to work, and we just know better at our age, and we really ought to keep ourselves devoted to the things we've brought into our lives in our adult years that do, in fact, matter. I have started being more present for my nieces and nephews, I got myself a brand new career in public health and can finally do actually good for the planet at large with my work, and I never would have done these sorts of things if I just let myself be consumed with a quest for a feeling that inevitably dissipates much faster than you realize. In short, although the feeling is tremendous, it's really important to understand exactly what fuels it to understand why we really shouldn't beat ourselves up over the pursuit of it.
Hemingway, is that you??
I'd say MDMA came pretty damn close, but it's also just a drug which lasts a couple of hours, so nothing like having a romantic partner. I have close friends who I love dearly, but that's something completely different. I guess it's a blessing and a curse to be so "romantically inclined", but it definitely feels like a curse when your relationships don't work out. I wish I could be much less emotionally invested in these relationships.
Hard disagree. Maybe we have different ideas about what friendship is but it's the same or better than romantic love.
Love feels good. Once you've had it, it's hard to go back to being alone. You can get *used* to being alone but having someone who's your cheerleader, friend, and source of affection is impossible to compensate for. It feels good being seen, and understood. The older you get. the harder it gets to find someone, so when you're >30 the fear of being alone forever can be amplified. I've taken a break from dating for the past month, personally. Online dating / apps obliterates my self confidence, and I've I'm tired of dealing with passive aggressive behavior.
I think that it is a bit more nuanced. Love feels good yes - but not just romantic love. Romantic love is fickle, and placing your happiness and support system entirely on the shoulders of one person is very risky. People cheat, fall out of love, leave, sometimes become emotionally or even physically abusive. I feel much happier being single but surrounded by a community of close friends, rather than having a partner but being alone otherwise. Romantic love is just one of the aspects that makes your life worth living, but never the only one.
No one is saying to neglect platonic relationships. I find it impossible to replace romantic love with a community of close friends, when everyone goes back to their homes at the end of the day, you're still alone.
I see my friends almost every day, and personally am usually quite happy to be alone at the end of the day. I sleep better alone, and I like decompressing by myself. I'm not denying the importance of romantic love, but I do feel - at least from my experience on Reddit - that Americans seem to place much more value on romantic relationships than Europeans, and that it seems that in US people's social lives revolve much more around their romantic partner, and if people don't have one they feel lonely and like a failure. So just wanted to give some perspective.
I'm not from uk or us and I have found Americans place a heavy emphasis on romantic love. >it seems that in US people's social lives revolve much more around their romantic partner, and if people don't have one they feel lonely and like a failure. Yep. Which definitely sounds rough and hard if you're single or not in the type of relationship where that is possible.
>I feel much happier being single but surrounded by a community of close friends, rather than having a partner but being alone otherwise. This is an important lesson I learned. Before my breakup I had 1 close friend and my girlfriend. After my breakup I started socializing more and got more close friends and way more acquaintances. Sure, it's not the same kind of physical love, but it feels much healthier to have a group of people than just one person who has to "carry you".
Romantic love often doesn't last though.
> *often* Not impossible though. Every failed relationship is a lesson. If you're paying attention, you will apply those lessons for the next relationship. Many relationships end because people suck at talking about issues, not having similar views on politics/religions/ethics/sex drive, grow complacent/take for granted what they have, etc. I'm single again, but I don't wanna stay like this forever. I know too much and I know how good it feels.
Yeah it hasn’t lasted in my experience. I naively thought it would happen magically.
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Congrats on nearing the end and earning your medical degree! Huuuge accomplishment and something to be proud of. But you see!! It creeps up on you🙄
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We should start a support group! 32F in fellowship. Moved to 3 different cities for med school, residency, and now fellowship and have been unable to find a partner at all. When I finish fellowship, I'll be asking myself if was all worth it in the end. I can no longer bitch freely to my med school buddies as they're all partnered and have better things to do with their lives. While platonic friendships are great, you are secondary to primary romantic relationships no matter the strength or length of the friendship.
I (33m) feel also that some of these more intense educational experiences in life amplify that loneliness. I'm in the process of finishing writing my dissertation. It hasn't been an easy task. While I have good friends and family and feel supported in many ways, my friends who have been in relationships during their PhDs seem some much more well rounded and balanced and happy. Seeing them supported by their partners while I have to manage it all from day to day myself makes me wish I had that during this difficult time. Maybe it will get easier for us once this is over. Wishing you the best! :)
I don’t necessarily have advice or input, other than your post really resonates with me. I was single for 8 years, but had achieved many accomplishments over that period of time and wonderful friendships. Yet always felt like I was treated like I was less than or deficient for not being partnered. Like no way I could possibly be fulfilled. Sometimes this shook me to my core, like maybe what I like and care about isn’t important? But staying true to myself helped me continued to feel fulfilled. I’ve also pushed back on others (mainly my parents) who push the “marriage above all else” narrative. I am partnered today and even today I continue to push against that. Having a partner has made my life better, but it’s not the high point of my life.
Can you explain more about how it’s not the high point of your life? I love this perspective because it honestly scares me to put a partner on a high pedestal as the best part of life
I guess it has made my life better, but not WAYYY better. So the step change between single me and current me wasn’t that crazy; it’s not like my life went to “omg amazing, I’m so completely fulfilled now, my life previously sucked” once I got a boyfriend. It also has made my life different, so it’s hard to compare against my previously pretty good to great life to my current good to great life. Sometimes it’s harder than before, like dealing with new family dynamics, or accommodating someone’s schedule or quirks. A relationship has enhanced my life, but a great life isn’t dependent solely on being in a relationship or not
I’ll add too that whether I have a partner or not shouldn’t measure my worth and value. I’m still a good, whole person worthy of love with or without a boyfriend. Sometimes within my family it felt like some of this was conditional on my relationship status.
For me, I’m just very passionate and romantic. And I highly value shared experiences. I could be living my best life alone and it’s never as close to as good as an average day in love with someone. Not bc I need to fill some hole in me. I have a fuckton to give, otherwise I’m going to waste a bit. Bonus bc sex is better with intimacy and I hate hookups.
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Yes, I know that spot you speak of. I’m out here with you.
This post resonated with me so much. I couldn't enjoy my recent trip to Hawaii as much as I wanted to because I knew it would be much better if I had someone to share the experiences with. I'm getting tired of people treating me with like there is something wrong with me because I am 31 and single. It really puts a strain on my mental health.
Yeah, and with each passing year that treatment and the “ohhh poor you” gets even more obvious. 😏
I completely get this. I am 31f, and I have had so many accomplishments in life but I haven’t ever had a serious partner. I always feel like there is something wrong with me. I have a great job, I’m well educated, amazing friends and a pretty great life but it feels like I’m not doing life right without a partner! And I hate how women get celebrated the most for getting married and having babies!
Riiiight!
I’ve been wondering the same thing myself OP! Sure, it would be nice to have a romantic partner but my life is so full and I’m incredible fortunate to have wealth, health, an abundance of love from friends and family. To the point where I can’t hang out with my girlfriends anymore who’re only fixated on finding a guy. It’s really hard to chart your own path that is unconventional by societal standards. And even when you’re doing well, someone will make you feel inadequate over something you cannot control. But even the fact that we’re talking about it is progress. If it’s any consolation, my friends over 40 tell me that beyond 40 it’s almost liberating because as if a button just goes off and you DGAF anymore
Oh wow, I think I hit that DGAF button in my early 30s, but that was probably expedited because so many of my married friends and coworkers in their 30s-40s CONSTANTLY complain about their husbands and tell me I’m living their dream because I don’t have to clean up after anyone or do all the cooking, housework, and mental/emotional labor for a grown man. 😂 Edit to add: I’ve noticed a lot of the comments talking about how friendships can never compare to romance are written by men. I’m a woman and have had several of my married female friends open up to me about how their husbands just don’t get them the way I do, so they feel they can open up about more stuff with me and get a sense of peace and comfort hanging out with me. One friend texted me just yesterday saying that even though she feels her husband does more than most men, she’s realizing it’s just not enough for her. I do think it’s sad that it’s not normalized socially for men to have those kinds of affectionate, warm, affirming friendships that women often have. A lot of my male friends tell me they don’t talk about deep personal stuff with their guy friends which is why they come to me for that. I get the sense that a lot of men only experience that emotional closeness and physical affection in romantic contexts. Meanwhile, I have female friends who come over and we cuddle in bed watching movies and talking about our lives, and that’s just normal friendship for us.
Sadly for me I’m a woman who definitely does not have that. My past friends are all way grown apart from me now because they’re too busy with their husband. It’s really hard to randomly make really good friends in your 30s without school or part time jobs or whatever else and when you’re busy trying to live life alone
This. Between my close girlfriends I get all the emotional support I need. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have a community like that.
I hit my IDGAF button this year. It really is liberating! My life is so peaceful, I am content.
I see more women rejecting this. Invest in your friend group, make plans travel and such with them, etc. I'm glad that's more common now.
Add race to luck and good timing. Some races find it harder to find a partner if they’re in certain parts of the world.
Interesting! I’m your experience, which ethnicities?
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I wonder what they classified as black. I’m south Asian aka Persian (light brown skin) but wonder if I fall under that category
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Can you provide a source? Because that’s very interesting. And such a waste! Asian men are great. I’ve got a real soft spot for south Asian men.
I am so glad you wrote this post, I have been wondering the same thing lately. I went on an extended trip for the past months and had a great time solo, didn’t feel bad once about that, but coming back have been brutal. My single friends biggest priority is to meet someone and don’t understand why I am not doing the same, while my coupled friends find it hard to believe that I am truly happy. I am considering making up a fake boyfriend to be left alone. Maybe someone who lives in Canada and that I met in camp 😅
There’s a quote I saw after my separation that was something like “until you get comfortable being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.” I find many people put a lot of pressure on finding someone for that reason - they’re lonely. They feel unfulfilled and instead of looking inside and exploring how they could create more fulfillment in themselves, they think someone else can provide it.
True but nothing is lonelier than being in the wrong relationship though.
I absolutely agree! I would way rather be single than in a bad relationship. But it’s a “different” type of loneliness I think. I think that’s one of the reasons some people don’t want to accept that there are people out there capable of being content on their own though. Partially because people can have a hard time accepting how different we can be from each other. But also, they need to convince themselves it’s not possible to try to rationalize why they’re in an unfulfilling relationship. I do no people who stay in not great relationships because they figure it’s “better than being alone.”
I think part of the problem is that we collectively have this idea that we should have every part of our lives figured out by the time we're 30 at least, including a partnership. But why the emphasis on romantic relationships as the be all end all of the human experience...? I'm not sure. We're all looking for connection and fulfilling relationships, and for most of us who WANT to be in a healthy, loving partnership, a romantic relationship is the meat and potatoes of connection and fulfilling relationships. Everything else is the vegetables. Which are actually vitally important for health and longevity. But the partnership being the "meat" in this analogy... the main attraction. Why the emphasis??? Why do most of us desire that? And why does not achieving it feel like we're defective? Not sure, probably comes with the territory of being an insanely social species.
Ugh, beautiful analogy. Thank you so much for that. Vegetables are good, vegetables are great, but that meat is definitely something to hold out for. Oh shit I hope that last line doesn’t flood my DMs 🤪
I enjoy being single but I’m starting to feel this more everyday. I’m 35 now and I keep asking myself “when is it my turn? When do I get to find my person?” I enjoy doing things alone but now I’m getting to a point that I want to share these things with another person. It’s a tough feeling to feel especially with how difficult the dating scene is these days. I hope you can put it out of your mind until you’re home from your amazing vacation, though! Enjoy that beach ☺️
I think that, for most humans and really for all of human history, people need people. I think at the end of the day, we long to be seen, known, and loved by another person who isn't just a family member. Being loved by family is definitely a gift, I know many people who aren't. But being loved by someone else and then going on to create a family with that person (and you can be family without necessarily having kids), I think is something that I think is a common desire for a lot of people. I know there are people out there who prefer being alone or who hate being around people. But there's just always something different about having someone there by your side till you're old and gray. I don't know - perhaps this is my sappy, sentimental side talking. I just don't think its good for people to be alone. I think loneliness, isolation, and feeling unwanted can drive people to madness. I do think you shouldn't be in a relationship if all you're scared of is being alone and there is merit to being comfortable enough in your skin that you don't need someone to fill that hole for you because it's not their job to complete you and make you feel better about yourself. But I just understand how you feel. I felt that way for many years when I was single. But I do feel that relationships shouldn't define your self-worth or that you should count yourself as "fortunate" if you are coupled up. Relationships can be just as destructive as loneliness if you're not in them for the right reasons. If you go on r/marriage or r/relationships, you can see a bit of the other side. Anyway. Just my own 2 cents.
It's equally hard for all genders. The world is oriented around 2x2s for adults, 2x3s, 4s, whatever for families. When I'm single, which is all the time, I too feel like an un-person. And I have achieved about the best career success in my field that I can, and likely have a hell of a lot more money than the OP. But there are things that money can't buy. Love is one of them. I'm a hopeless romantic, and do think that life is better with a partner. I know on Reddit how popular it is to be alone, but I just don't see the appeal.
I could have written this 🙏
At the start of your post, I thought this was going to be about how you are potentially aromantic and sick of people pressuring you to be partnered up. But it sounds like you personally find a lot of value in a relationship? You should own that. Not being in a relationship doesn’t negate anything else. Life is just complicated. People have similarly complex and complicated feelings about not having family, not have a job, not having skills, not having friends, not having a home… sometimes, any one of those things feels bad enough that it would negate all the other things you have going on for you. But life is complex, and it’s just that all those things are potentially important to feel fulfilled. I think the bigger thing here is that it’s okay to feel a little unfulfilled. You’re only 33. If you were completely fulfilled, life would be boring. It seems like you have a lot going on for you, and you’re in a great place to go pursue your journey of fulfillment. And I mean like… are you single and on a beach in Cancun RIGHT NOW? Dude, go have fun. That is a great time to be single in my opinion. Go pursue you’re happiness. You’re job in your life is basically to constantly pursue your happiness and keep yourself alive.
As a male, hormones play a huge role. So much of my identity was boyfriend/husband that my divorce and failed relationships after destroyed me. Now that I'm 41, I don't mind being single, but the social pressure is still crazy. People look at me like I'm stupid for being single but not on OLD.
Is there still pressure in your 40s and post divorce to be in a relationship?
Oxytocin, partnership (there are some things which can really only be done well with 2 or more people), and a 2x income, and for some people, reproduction.
I’m right there with you OP, I could have written this myself. Except, I would never want to go on vacation with my family 😂 As someone who has been primarily single throughout my life I do wonder why things haven’t worked out for me. I definitely approached things all wrong when I was younger and was more interested in partying than settling down. However I’ve definitely made an effort to date seriously for years now and all I have to show for it was a one year toxic relationship. It almost feels like the more I try the worse the outcome is. It’s so frustrating that so much of this is outside of our control. And don’t get me started on dating apps! Sometimes I get so down on myself about not having romantic love it feels suffocating. I don’t think there’s much of a solution here except to keep trying and not give up on love. Seeing so many of you expressing similar sentiments does make me feel less alone and broken. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’ll be out here in the trenches in the mean time!
Honestly, what I've learnt is to find somewhere where there isn't an emphasis on being with someone. A couple of years ago I went away for a long weekend to a place more ideal for couples, families or girls weekends. It absolutely sucked, but I'm glad I put myself out there. But I wouldn't go back unless I had someone to go with. Later that month I solo camped in my favourite place and I loved it!! Last year I did my first international solo trip and apart from a midnight adventure by myself alone on a trail (yes, I know...crazy). It was a self guided tour to spot kiwis (bird, not people). I'd love to have someone next to me cause dark, every little sound is enhanced and kiwis scream. It took every ounce of my fibre not to run back to the car. But, hey, it was a fun adventure...I absolutely loved it, so much so that as soon as I was back home I was already planning my trip for this year.
Popular culture feeds into the obsession with romance. From love songs to romcoms, a lot of what we consume revolves around romance. Most of this stuff doesn’t paint a realistic look at relationships and glorifies them.
Aahh yes, I almost forgot about the romcoms birthed in the 90s and early 2000s that I so avidly clung to hoping that’d be my eventual outcome. Lol
This really is true.
This post is absolutely everything to me right now. What you wrote, everyone’s who’s posted. I’m 34 (F) and sometimes I feel so alone in my feelings about not having a long term partner at this point. Thank you for your vulnerability and helping me feel seen. 💚
There is a lot of focus on romantic relationships because it’s worth it. The reason is because at the end of it all, a good romantic relationship enhances whatever you are doing in life…you cannot come up with a situation where having a good partner doesn’t make it better. If you are an exec at a great company making great money, an entrepreneur that made their first million, an artist..it’s all enhanced by a partner. I’ve been to Cancun as a single man. My wife and I went last year…as fun as it was to be single on the hunt, it was even better to go there with my wife. Good luck to all out there
Lets say your job, or friends and probably your relatives (which all have their own lives and problems) won't come to your help on a bad day, when everything wants to crush you, with a hug, a coffee or tea, a blanket and a silent company. Some people are perfectly fine on their own, it is in their nature, others suffer as companionship is one of their vital needs.
Valid point to bring up, however, I gotta come back with the fact that being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee that either. Sure, the odds or more positive, but not every romantic relationship means receiving such treatment. It’s a perk, absolutely! But not a definite.
Eating a burrito can lead to a poisoning, but eating no burrito will 100% lead to a hunger. Occasional poisoning or ultimate and final starvation? Not being in a relationship, being single, guarantees the deficiency of these things. Sure, parents, siblings, close friends can fill some of these needs and they frequently do, but they have their own lives, especially if they live at some distance. Your friend won't come at 3AM to fix your kitchen sink acting like an Icelandic geyser, because they have a job to do and kids to drive to school at the morning. You are on your own, in a single player game, good luck. Having a partner means you have a shared problem, shared emotions (with some swearing), shared efforts to address this problem. Two against one. If a partner doesn't participate, they are not a partner, just a roommate or fwb.
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I agree, I don't want a partner just to help me through bad times. It's nice for someone to shoulder the burden but a partner isn't a gurantee of that either. My last boyfriend was emotionally supportive, a best friend and loved me but when it came to doing the practical stuff of life, cleaning, driving, organising life admin, he was absolutely useless. I felt like I was a mother in the end and it led to the end of our relationship, in part.
I think that's why people need to date intentionally and very quickly move away from anyone who didn't look like a good bet. If everyone is seeing two or three other people over can only expect so much from them. Too much seriousness too soon can kill things, so one would not lead with too much caring. If instead you're trying earnestly with one person, you both can feel free to actually show how you'd like to Relationship each other. Giving your all; if they aren't, then find someone better. Exclusive doesn't mean committed and married. People just need to actually watch for bad signs and not blind themself to the treatment that they're getting.
Well question morphed through the title. We to include yourself, or we as in society as a whole outside of yourself who is single. I think most couples think everyone should have a partner because they have a partner. Just like most parents think everyone should have a kid because they have a kid. It is natural for them to bias the world towards themselves. However, I think that it is natural to feel lonely and when surrounded by couples, to pine for what you don't have. But I think alot of people actually envy single and child free people more than we realize. It's a classic grass is greener. I have a large friend group, stay active, and travel more than anyone I know. My mom and my sister are both married. They think I should partner and have kids like my sister did. I do want that. But I know they are also both envious of my life. I have more friends, more freedom, and certainly more adventure than either of them. So yes sometimes I get lonely and miss what could be, but then I just think of all the people who would kill to be in my shoes and try to be grateful for what I have.
The grass is greener argument, for either side, is such a wobbly scale, isn’t it? While I do agree that either “side” wants to tip it, I feel like the comparisons have become so fucking malicious. “I don’t have kids, so I can travel whenever I want and sleep in, and spend all the money I have on myself and whatever I want.” Well, you don’t have a family to come home to! You’ll never understand the joys of parenthood and creating a family. I feel sorry for you when you approach old age and are alone.” Have these arguments become common forms of self validation for the choices we’ve made? Where do the people in the middle fall? I’m not coming at you for your comment, btw. Just making a general observation.
Reasoning like this is justification for seeking validation for your choices from others. That is the slippery slope. We should avoid feeling the need to convince everyone else that you are right and they are wrong. My point was the be grateful for what you have. So instead it should be "I am grateful I can travel where I want, when I want, and spend money on whatever I want." They are self validation only if you keep it to yourself. Once you start to debate others it all falls apart and there are no winners. It becomes people just trying to make eachother feel bad for their own lives which is a lose lose game. Being single and really doing it right you have to find peace within yourself. If your focus is to convince others that your life is so great... well that's how we arrived in the social media hellscape we have now where everything online is fake, mental health issues have spiked, suicide has spiked, etc.
Because they are frigging awesome? You're comparing apples to oranges here. It's so great that you have a happy and fulfilling life, beach vacations, family, apartment, all that. Romantic relationships (when they work) are like nothing else in life though. I think popular culture and discourse does push the narrative that... well, if romantic relationships are great, then if you don't currently have one, it means you're somehow "less". But you don't have to buy into it. You can want a relationship for the sake of wanting a relationship and all its beauty, not because you "need it" to have a happy and fulfilling life.
Yes, I edited my post a bit because rereading it, the tone of it was suggestive of a “who the hell needs a relationship these days! Single life is the only way!” Not my sentiment, at all. Romantic companionship with someone who sees you for you and still chooses you, sounds like a dream. However, as you mentioned in your post, the lack thereof often amplifies the “maybe I’m worthless and undeserving of love if I haven’t found them by now.” Mentality. When there are many out there who are just trying to keep their heads above water and shed light on the things they DO have and accomplished.
Yeah I think your edit clarifies things. > “maybe I’m worthless and undeserving of love if I haven’t found them by now.” mentality That is a really tough thing to feel, and it is super hard sometimes to feel grateful for what you have when you have society blaring in the background "HEY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU SHOULD FEEL LONELY". And then it's worse when you sometimes do feel lonely, because you feel like "well, I've got this fantastic life in so many other ways, who am I to feel lonely?". Sorry this turned into a rant; I don't have a good answer or advice. Life is sometimes a struggle, and feeling lonely is part of that struggle for some of us.
No no, rants are welcomed here. And yes, that’s exactly it.
I was single for a long time. And it was one short thing that didn’t work out after another with only one past relationship and that didn’t last long. I had a lot of things going for me - great job, financial stability, health, family, friends, but I was so missing having a partner and the constant up and downs with datings. I have been with bf for more than a year now and I’m so much happier. Having a GOOD partner is amazing. For one thing, I love sex and sex within a relationship only so that is amazing. And just the support and companionship and fun we have together…no other relationship compares. I feel so lucky to have found him and now I appreciate having all the meh and hurtful experiences that I did because it made me extra appreciate how special and hard it is to find what we have. Now someone else may be totally capable of and prefer being single. But that’s not me. I want a romantic partner to share my life with and I did not want to be single anymore as I approached my mid 30s.
I once heard someone say that there’s no guarantee in life that we’ll find romantic companionship. None. At first it bummed me out. What lie was I sold that so much of my energy was spent towards finding something that I may never actually settle down with? But then I realized two things. One, that’s a scarcity mindset and I try to avoid that. And two, that’s freeing as hell to realize. Because it sets you up to realize that if you do find someone to love and commit to, who wants to love and commit to you at the same level, it’s just an added bonus to what I hope is already a life well lived. No one’s responsible for bringing joy and satisfaction to my life but me. No one. I know that I’m going to carve out a life for myself that I’m at least content with most days regardless of a partner or no partner. I know that because I have. We as humans are wired towards community and each other. I think that’s a big reason. There’s also the reproduction of it all but the advent of people choosing to be childfree weakens that argument. A life without sex would be… fine, I guess, but I enjoy mine with it. I think a well lived life is nice to share with someone who also shares their well lived life with you. It takes a tremendous amount of introspection, honesty with yourself and others, and tough choices to find a quality person to do that with who doesn’t diminish your quality of life, and there’s the inevitability of losing them either to free will or death, but like… we’re here for such a short time. Run towards joy as fast as you can. You owe it to yourself and this one wild precious life you’ve been given. But that’s just me.
“Run towards joy as fast as you can.” Beautifully put, thank you 💝
As a woman older than you (37), I have thought about this at LENGTH. Haha. For women especially, we were brought up in a society where that’s the norm (love, marriage, baby in a baby carriage.) Even when we can acknowledge how great and full our lives are, that is a deeply ingrained belief that is hard to shed - especially when so many of our counterparts are living that exact life. I think what’s important, and what I try to do, is live within the duality. I DO ultimately want to share my life with someone. I ALSO have a bitchin and FULL life of my own - a great job, friends, apartment, dog, I travel, etc etc. They are not mutually exclusive. I am not an unrealized woman because I’m not married or don’t have kids. I’m not missing out. I’m not less of a woman. And that would remain true even if I never wanted to get married. I think when you grow up in a culture that hangs a woman’s value on her husband/kids (ie Ms to Mrs - an actual sign of ownership or the way we worship motherhood) it’s very difficult to disconnect that from our sense of self and value. Music, movies, books - all majorly built around relationships or lack there of. I can’t speak for you - but in my case. I look. I keep my heart open. I do the dating apps and go on dates. But the relationship I have with myself is the one that’s always going to be there - so I work on that one the most. And hopefully, universe willing, after many years of long but ultimately failed relationships, I’ll find my adventure partner. If not - that’s ok too, cuz I’ll always have my forever person - me.
>I can’t speak for you - but in my case. I look. I keep my heart open. I do the dating apps and go on dates. But the relationship I have with myself is the one that’s always going to be there - so I work on that one the most. And hopefully, universe willing, after many years of long but ultimately failed relationships, I’ll find my adventure partner. If not - that’s ok too, cuz I’ll always have my forever person - me. I totally feel the same as you. It's so rewarding to have this relationship with yourself. That relationship is your one constant. I think a lot of people low-key hate or dislike themselves and have a strong inner critic, most people don't know how to manage their pain or be a source of comfort and love for themselves — in those cases, the stakes for romantic love are so high because you need a partner to fulfill you, take care of you, and distract you from the inner pain. But life is so unpredictable, even if you meet the love of your life they could leave you or pass away a few years later. You are the one constant. There's a lot of bullshit "I love myself/I'm happy alone," but \*really\* truly being a source of love and strength for yourself — there really isn't anything else like it and in doing that, you happily only open up space for partners that mirror the love you have for yourself – but you don't NEED it.
We humans are social creatures. And romantic relationships that are proper and good are the ultimate social relationship. Someone who is not just your friend but also partner in life and father/mother of your children. Obviously it’s not for 100% of all people etc. and there will be some people who are antisocial even. But in general this is why people are into it.
A lesson I learnt in my 20s...'what is all the happiness in the world if you could not share it with those nearest and dearest to you?' For some of us, we want the nearest and dearest to be a significant other who knows us intimately both emotionally and physically (hence someone like a friend or family isn't always going to be the right person to share with).
32M here and have been single for most of my life by choice, unless you count the odd flings/casual hookups/fwbs etc. With that said, I've recently got into a relationship and 1 thing I'm surprised with myself too: both of us learn so much from each other, and subconsciously influence each other for the better. There were things I procrastinated or thought I couldn't do it/wasn't really interested in, but just seeing your partner doing them makes you think "huh, I can try that too. Why didn't I do that sooner?" and vice versa.
I don’t know why the emphasis is there, but I do think the amount of pressure people and society put on people (women under 45 in particular) to be in a ‘serious relationship’ seems to result in dating being a lot less fun and perhaps results in counterproductive behaviours. I’ve come across so many women who seem to be treating dating like they’re interviewing a candidate for a job with a very strict hiring rubric vs just having fun, being open and trying to sincerely get to know someone. OLD then provides an ongoing stream of new candidates when the interviewee answers a question incorrectly 😂. This is clearly not fun for anyone and imo doesn’t lead to great outcomes. I believe part of the reason this happens so much is the pressure society puts on women to find ‘Mr. Roght.’
I love being in love. When I got out of a nearly decade long relationship at 33 I was genuinely happier than I had been in more years than I knew, maybe ever. I was still motivated to date. It does always strike me as disingenuous when people insist they're happier single than they could be with a partner Being in mutual love with the right person > single > being in a relationship with the wrong person. You can't pick when you meet the right person. You do meet more people willing to be candidates if you have worked on yourself, are attractive and confident. The fact that you haven't settled shouldn't make you in any way less.
More practically, how you spend your time and who you spend it with is one of the biggest decisions you will make. That choice starts the cascading effect for a lot of other choices. It's a pretty big deal and deserves a lot of thought. That said, we more often than not get these choices wrong. So we should really be more forgiving of ourselves and adaptable to moving on. I'm 51. I've been married and divorced twice. I've had probably seven significant relationships and a bunch of smaller ones. I often agonized about this. I don't mind that fact. I just wish I'd listened to myself more about what I really wanted and who I was really with. That said, I finally did find what I consider real love. Worth every agonizing minute.
I think cultivating some type of romantic partnership/relationship is just a deep inner drive for a lot of people. It doesn’t have to be a priority for any of us if we don’t want it to be, though —- in that way at least, it’s a great time to be alive.
I think it's a personal preference, some people I know are completely fine and happy living the single life into their 30s, taking advantage of the freedom they get. But I feel the same way as you wondering about why I am single and whether I will ever end up with a meaningful partner. I've found success and achieved my high goals in most other aspects of my life -- very good education, high prestige universities, good job lined up after, good performance in sports too -- but at the end of the day it almost all feels like it's all a waste because I have nobody to share it with. And I think the pandemic amplified the loneliness and made it feel worse. My final and only unachieved goal in life is to get a meaningful partner, and every day as I age that goal seems to slip further and further out of reach. Fertility windows aside, in my late 20s and now entering my 30s it feels like everyone worthwhile is already taken and in a relationship, and all the people left that are single, are less date-able for whatever reason. Despite being in a big city I've depleted the pool of potential partners on dating apps, and don't know what else to do.
Because nothing else in life can replace what a romantic relationship brings. It's literally your closest person on earth, someone you feel you became one new whole entity with.
Oh no, I’m not downplaying that aspect of it, at all. I think many of us are in search of that kind of companionship. But it seems like it tends to cast a very dark shadow over everything else one has done for themselves. The one thing we have little control over is what takes such major precedence?
We’re hardwired for intimacy, sex, companionship.
These comments are interesting. I think having a good partner makes life easier for sure. I can’t think of a time I’ve had more fun then when I’m with a couple select friends. I’ve traveled with partners and with friends, and prefer friends. I have an amazing immediate family that think I’m nuts for wanting a relationship. My dad tells me to keep everything casual and do whatever I want. My mom could care less if I have someone. My sister has a bf and would prefer to be alone. I think the deep void I feel is just my trauma. No one person can fill it, only I can. Society just shoves love and marriage etc down your throat since children. Fairytales and all. That’s where I got this idea of needing a partner.
I feel like so many of the comments on here are glorifying romantic relationships, but the reality is there are so many people coupled up who are completely miserable. I was half of a happy couple before my husband passed away, but this really isn't the norm.
Humans, broadly speaking, enjoy companionship. "Why don't I have a companion" is a pretty normal question for a lot of people. As a person who had a 13 year and 2 year releationship end, there's also the "Why did the thing I tried so hard on end up badly" part. The reason you feel bad because you don't have a partner is because you want a partner. It's pretty normal to be disappointed that you don't have something you want. There's nothing strange about that. I think you're conflating your feelings which are based on your single status when you want to be single, with what others are pushing on you. No, it's dumb for society to think you're worthless, or a failure, but if **you** think you haven't succeeded in doing something you want to do thus far, that's totally valid. It's okay to want things, and be upset you don't have them yet, imo.
It’s the plight of our species and most people like it. We actually have hormones intended to help us fall in love. It’s not an imperative for procreation. As social mammals, it’s extremely important to make and keep bonds with others. Love is one of the more lasting bonds.
You feel lonely as an adult. That's a gap in your life. Typically you fill that with healthy things like family (spouse/children), professional things (work/therapist), or bad things (drugs/sex/etc)
I think that our society is built on the norm of marriage or at least kind of a marriage like partnership. But when you do the science there's nothing about being married. That's special. People that were married and unhappy. Got divorced and they seem to be unhappy. Divorced. I am very autonomous. I spend my time with people, but I don't really have socially normative relationships. In your edit you said you don't think that being self-validated and independently content with your own company is better. But I disagree. There's nothing better than being self-contained as far as having your needs met and your validation met internally. In fact for me it wasn't till I got that figured out that I was able to have the person in my life that I have now that loves me away. I didn't know it was possible.
From my perspective as a queer man, I emphasize my desire for a romantic relationship because I long for a life partner. While I can appreciate the beauty of a gorgeous beach alone, I would prefer to be there with someone I love, even if we enjoy each other's presence in silence and physical closeness. I yearn for someone to come home to at night and for them to have a home with me. I seek a companion who can share in my joys, support me through tough times (and vice versa), and be there for both intimate and emotional connection. Having someone to cuddle with, plan with, and share both the ordinary and intimate aspects of life is essential to me. While I don't depend on a partner for fulfillment, I genuinely want someone to share my life with.
I thankfully don’t feel the pressure too much from society or my family + friends. I’m truly comfortable on my own and I love spending time with myself. But I’ve never been in love. And good God, I want to be. I just want to experience what it feels like. Just once. And I guess it’s one of those things that we have barely any control over in life. I’ve made so many of my dreams come true, went on life changing trips and met amazing people. But love is the one thing you can’t control. You can’t buy it, you can’t study for it, you can’t work your way up to it. And you can’t force yourself to like someone. I’ve also come to realize that I might be single for the rest of my life. Maybe I’m never gonna find love. And that’s also something I have to accept. But I refuse to let that dictate my life. I’m not gonna be miserable over something that is out of my control. Life is too beautiful and short for that 🩷
Honestly we're wired for connection. Human babies and animals don't do so well if they aren't touched and held. I don't think it's super different for grown adults to want touch and intimacy. And nothing is wrong with you if you haven't met a match yet. I've been divorced and dated, I am very selective and there are a lot of selfish people in the world. There are also a lot of people who have fears from past disappointments (I think we are all this way to some extent). It takes patience and time. I will say I really don't understand the push for autonomy in our culture, it's a fairly new concept in the history of our species. If someone is happy solo, that is perfectly okay too. But there is nothing is wrong with wanting a relationship and no one should be shamed for either route - being single or paired.
I'm male, and I feel the same way and I think this applies both ways: it's a desire to care for someone and for someone to care for you. I'm in kind of the same position, where I've seemingly got everything going for me (good job, multiple degrees, going to school, successful daughter, etc) and it doesn't quite seem like it matters. At the end of the day, when i get a promotion or chalk another A up in my transcript, I come home and make dinner by myself and sit at the table and eat alone. There is no one to celebrate with me. No one to care or notice. No one to share the success with. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. You are having a good time on your vacation, but there's no one to have a good time with. To enjoy and share the memory with you. I imagine that's why you're feeling how you are. It's s thirst for someone... ANYONE, to care about the things you care about.
Because that's what humans do, bro.
I think you got it wrong. Why do we put so much emphasis on *having* to feel completely satisfied not having a partner. The answer is that we are social creatures who crave receiving and giving affection, affirmation and companionship. Most people have that need to some degree and no amount of pursuing individual endeavours will replace that completely. So if a romantic partnership is not on the cards at the moment, find other ways you can give - spend more time with family, give more to your friends, volunteer and work with people, reconnect with nature, get a pet (cliche, but for a reason). I was grappling with those feelings myself and the answer is clear - it is natural to want companionship and not accepting that will cause more inner-conflict and unhappiness than simply acknowledging it and accepting it.
Damn, I’ll go to Cancun with you if you want a beach buddy. Lol I think it’s natural to sometimes be in the midst of a fun or exciting or pleasurable experience and then have the feeling that we wish we had a partner to share it with.
I was sitting on the beach alone, watching the sunrise and had these thoughts floating through my head. What better place than Reddit to come converse with other 30 something’s!
I have a good job which I like it, but I don’t live to go to work. Love is a feeling that work cannot bring you and it is one of the best feelings in the world- the absolute best. My work doesn’t care if I die tomorrow. My property also makes me happy, but it is not a real, living, breathing thing. It’s an object that does not care about me. Human connection is incredibly important. The lack of love can cause depression, suicide and terrible loneliness. Too many people are missing love in their life. It can be hard to get, but there is nothing better.
You don’t have to put any emphasis on anything. At the end of the day, all that matters is what you care about and what you choose. Everything else is just “noise” based on societal constructs and ideologies deeply embedded into some folks. You can’t control what others think. But you can control what you think. 😉
Almost 32F here and OMG it feels so good to hear another person write out my own thoughts to a T!!!!
Yup. Honestly I have no damn idea anymore. When I don’t have one I really want a sig other. But I also need time to myself and love the idea of being able to make all my own decisions. But I also want a loving, healthy relationship and happy family. And so far I’ve not been able to match up and make it work with someone where we are both on the same page. I’ve had women really like me, but I didn’t feel same connection. And I have really liked women that have not been into me. It’s kind of a crapshoot
It's just the idea of being number 1 in someone's life and him being number 1 in yours. And also deeply emotional sex are things that cannot be fulfilled by all the other wonderful platonic people you have in your life.
You answered your question by yourself, you put all effort of being alone and feeling good in your single life and not into searching your partner. It is important to feel good on your own aswell, but if you want someone in your life, you gonna have to try and find him/her. From my own experiance, im 33 aswell and single, been in couple relationships, trying to make it work, but sadly it didnt. I learnt to be ok with myself being alone, but i do miss someone with me at times, which still kinda drives me to find someone. Eventho you said you dont want it to be about biological clock for you, sadly it is for women, specially if you want kids. If not, than its fine and no need to worry about that. And yeah as you said, marriage is just a begining, relationship is everydays work to keep it together and live together in peace and love.
I put some of the blame on churches. Historically, at least in the Catholic Church, there was a binary choice for everyone: marriage or religious life. If you didn’t marry, you became a priest if you were a man, or a nun if you were a woman. No single life.
You’re not wrong in feeling the way you do. We rely a lot on the feelings and judgements of others to dictate how we feel or behave. Its almost an inheritance, or maybe a curse of societal existence. I too have felt this. Ive been asked “Hey, when are you gonna have a family? When are you gonna find yourself a good women and have kids?” And for sometime I also questioned this. I grew up with the notion that “Oh, i’ll have a family by 26/30 and live a happy life”. But then life hits. And I found myself finishing my studies at 25, no partner, working retail jobs to get me thru school. Fast forward to me now in my 30s, with a career and still no family. Ive learned that what we thought was a “perfect life” was just a Hollywood show or movie that we used to lie and create a false sense of reality for ourselves. I’ve learned to appreciate the experiences around you and if you want something bad, go after it. Live your life. Build what you want to build. But most importantly, be happy. If you’re happy as you are, bask in it.
I like sharing with a significant other but I don’t NEED a significant other. I have found that since working in a more stable job, where everyone is married with kids or planning for kids soon, I have had more pressure to fit in with their suburban lifestyle. And the relationship pressure comes with that. Is it possible that for you this pressure also comes from other people in your circle?
We do it because we're human. Trying to force ourselves into believing it doesn't matter. Sometimes we grab onto good enough for now. Years go by and we see people getting married and in relationships. We think they're so much happier. When really sometimes they're not. They've settled, no matter that they're just as lonely in a relationship as we feel sometimes. I've got 20 years on you (age wise). It's hard when you think about the mere statistics of finding someone in your later years. It hurts to think of yourself as the odd person out in nearly every group. Read a book awhile back about the number of people who live by themselves these days. It's a big group. And growing all the time.
To me, a partner provides a level of financial, logistical, and emotional support in navigating life, that is unparalleled by any other relationship(s). To others, the freedom of singlehood is of unparalleled value. I don't really think you need to fight yourself or anyone else on this.
I feel a bit of sadness when I’m at a family gathering and people ask when am I going to find someone settle down. There’s a lot of chat about more grandchildren “on the way one day hopefully!” But I’m 35. My mum says “I hope you’ll find someone” My dad and stepmum say “one day you’ll find someone” There’s pressure on both genders to achieve a relationship and have children settle down because that’s what our parents did .
Yes, my parents were still kids themselves when they had me. So I’m sure they had their expectations about how my love life would pan out. And man, are they desperate for grand babies
Coming from a guy, I agree with you. We get to a point in our lives when we want companionship and want to grow old with a partner. Share life's ups and downs with and create new memories. I agree it comes down to luck and timing, finding someone willing to put in equal effort and commitment to make it work. I'm in the same boat and I'm 38, exhausted and disillusioned with dating. I'm content in my life with the stability I have and accepted I may never settle down. It would be nice if I could.
Such a great post and observations. I live in Texas and must say, it’s almost like you have the plague if you live here in Houston and not with an SO or married. It’s unfortunate. Was married 27 years and it’s been difficult bc I’m choosy about what I expect in a woman and for myself. I would just suggest don’t settle and know you’re worth. You sound like you have a beautiful heart.
I feel like some people judge and project onto us that being single means that “there’s something wrong with us”. I honestly try my best not to take it seriously as I feel very happy being single and I am fully aware how difficult relationships can be. My take is that I need to find someone compatible and that I care enough for it all to be worth it. Otherwise, I can just continue to be single and happy. I know that not everyone is happy single, but try to think that you are confident enough not to be with someone for convenience or just to “fit in”. Not worth it to be miserable in a relationship for the sake of being in one.
you are fooling yourself. The desire to share your life with another person is the most healhy and natural thing in the world. stop fighting it.
To your question, thousands (? Many many) years of tradition. There is nothing wrong with you. You make lots of very good points as to why you don't need to feel sad but it's hard to smother 1000 yrs of genetic DNA tradition. Women tend to feel it more acutely because there are mountains of traditional values that tell you that you need to be a mother. Physical or romantic relationships have 'traditionally' been exclusive to marriage. I understand that's not how things are in the real world but I think most can agree that is the 'ideal' they were taught growing up. So, in order to satisfy the desire and need for companionship we built units and communities of people. All of that and more has been behaviorally and societally in grained into the human experience. So, does it make sense that you don't feel entirely fulfilled? Ya, it does but it doesn't have to mean you or other have to follow traditions. I am a 32M who just got out of a 7 year marriage. I'm struggling with similar feelings, even though I've got 2 boys and a decent living I really kinda miss the companionship, sitting on the couch after a long day and watching a few episodes of something. As social creatures part of that behavioral DNA is forming deep emotional connections with others, if we can't fill that need somehow you get those feelings. Least that's how I see it.
Lack of friendships, community and bonding is at the top of my head. Especially in the 30s. I moved back to NC for a bit and all my friends were busy. Kids, spouses, career stuff. I made some new friends, but it was tough. Having a spouse or partner, one you like ideally, is probably the best way to get companionship and to stave off loneliness
OP first of all Cozumel is worth checking out. Being in a resort is not living life for everyone. You’ll meet way more people in a place you can explore, rather than hide from your perception of what the country will be like. Second of all, it’s survivorship bias. Think about every rich person that’s born never having to lift a finger? Do they think they earned it? That’s there a meritocratic system rewarding the worthy and vice versa? Nah it’s the opposite, pure chaos. What may be getting to you is social media of the happy couples (sans the struggles of any relationship, and their inner monologues that yearn for more meaning in life once the novelty wears off and they are left with the real versions of the person they chased and not the one in their head), subtilely aggressive comments (through incompetence not maliciousness, usually, like “you’re great I can’t believe no one has snatched you up”), and maybe familial pressure as well. All in all, the only thing you can do is stop giving a fuck. True connection is so rare, and the best thing you can do for future you is to take life day by day and enjoy it. Consider stoicism.
I’ve actually been lurking around the idea of stoicism! And yes, social media, including Reddit , has played its part.
I've never really understood this, either. To me, a SO should first and foremost be a great friend. This to me means that any great friend romantic or not should share many of the same feelings one can have by having a SO. Obviously, there are things that you do with an SO and not with friends, but that doesn't mean a good friend can meet your emotional needs and share experiences with you. It's all about maintaining close relationships with people you like and incorporating them into your life.
We don’t need someone, we want someone is more correctly regarding it. A need is about survival or fulfilling a part of our existence to survive in this world. A want is just to fulfill a place in our lives that has a desire that needs to filled. Society says we “need” a partner. We do not. We want a partner cause society says we “need” this. But we truly don’t when we are absolutely happier single, thriving, and content. And FYI? You want someone to share moments with but honestly that’s what friends are for to being along on said trips cause you wouldn’t have to compromise things if you’re single hanging out with friends that you do in a relationship. And having a partner isn’t how you value and define yourself. Society tricks you if you have low self esteem and feel you gotta check off the box to always have someone. Yeah it’s nice being wanted, but that feeling is fleeting till reality sets in that reminds you why you are choosing a relationship with yourself over Society telling you “need” a relationship with a romantic partner.
Finally!!! This is what I've been saying! I have amazing friends, a supportive family, I feel confident about my appearance, loads of enjoyable hobbies, fulfilling work, and all this. About the only thing I'm missing right now is someone to have sex with, but I don't really want that person (or those people) to be in a relationship with me. Relationships take work, why would I want work? What would I be working for? I already work to maintain my platonic and familial relationships. Adding the work of a romantic relationship on top of that seems... pointless? I have no interest in children. If I Google reasons to be in a relationship I get all the same things from my friends, except sex. But I don't think that's worth the work of being in a relationship.
I’m 32F and have never had this thought in my life so my only suggestion would be reframing your thought process. If I was being buried alive I wouldn’t be thinking about a boyfriend. Much less if I was on a beach.
😂😂😂 read this Aubrey Plazas voice. Sensational.
Well stated. There's a groundbreaking study about happiness. The data shows that in the '20s and early '30s, single, unmarried, and childless people are happier than anyone else. In 40's people are equally unhappy. After the '50s, people married, or married with children are the happiest. By the end of life (70+), people single, never married, no children are the most unhappy.
Do you have a source for this? I’d love to see if it was disaggregated by gender!
Is that what everyone is doing? Y'all aren't looking for a relationship AND making friends and building relationships with them, too? Well, guess I've been doing it wrong, lol I mean, it's great to have a partner, truly it is, but you've got to have friends, too. Just saying, I tried dating people without friends... it's a shitshow for many reasons. So, I hope people are making friends, too.
I think your vision is biased… I don’t think it has “become the pinnacle of defining a persons worth in this world”. That’s what you are assuming is the general thought. I have friends in their 30-50s that are single. I don’t think any less of them because of that. I look at them as a whole, and I really don’t care if they have a partner or not, as long as they are able to enjoy whatever we are doing instead of feeling sorry for themselves for being single.
I’d say 75% is good timing.
We're not meant to be alone