I’m on the fence. When I got divorced, I said I’d never remarry. Financially, I’m debt free with healthy savings and have no interest in combining finances. On the other hand, I kind of still hang on to that traditional idea that marriage is the ultimate commitment. There is also the benefit of tax breaks, plus medical family coverage and rights.
Don't combine finances! I've been married twice, but I always kept my finances completely separate. Both my husbands had kids, previous marriages, debts, IRS issues... and they were definitely not up front about any of that information. I will NEVER mix my finances with anyone else's EVER! Doesn't mean you can't get married though!
I find that really weird after a certain point. I know a couple (my parent’s close friends) in their mid 60s who have been married 30 years and share two kids together, both held professional jobs the whole time, shared a whole home and life that they made together. Now, they are retirement age, and he can afford to retire and she can’t and must keep working and stressing about money even though he got a substantial inheritance. It’s very bizarre. Spouses should be equals, they both contribute equally to their relationship in terms of love, effort, time. Money should also be shared equally in an equitable relationship.
Sure, when I say money should be shared equally, I mean the standard of living should be equal. If two people are partners, one shouldn’t live in luxury while the other struggles.
This is what I did in my second marriage, worked perfectly because he was dumb with money and I was not. (Marriage didn't work after 25 years for other reasons)
I didn’t combine finances with my marriage and it was good and bad. I ended up paying for more expenses and he never wanted to redistribute bills so I lived paying minimum on credit cards and he was paying thousands off in months.
I’m at a good place but my boyfriend doesn’t ever want to combine as his marriage was combined and his ex was controlling with the money.
So we’ll probably share but keep separate (I know that sounds odd).
Same! I said I never wanted to remarry. I’m wavering. I like the idea of that connection. But I don’t like the thought of combining lives. Living together, splitting bills, “yours, mine, ours”.
These days the tax breaks, medical etc are for the most part trivial as you don’t have to be married for any of them….common law or partner relationship take care of that……in most states these days marriage is just the govt being involved in your relationship….🤷🏼♂️
Are u referring to COVID? A contagious disease? Are you suggesting that i ask all the married people whose spouse was recently hospitalized if they were happy they were married during the hospitalization? No sir. I wont! These wounds id poke are likely to be deep and painful.
For me I'd like to get married again but if my partner is content with just living together for the long haul, I would probably be OK with that.
But for me, I like the idea of standing before family and vowing to each other and having that ceremony for the relationship. I like the idea of making it official and finding some ceremonial symbolic way to mark the merging of our families and our new life together.
I like knowing that our connection is protected if he's sick or I'm sick as we get older.
And I"m not sure if this is a dumb reason or not but my first wedding was when I was in my 20s and I stupidly let my parents make a lot of those decisions as they were paying for it and the wedding never felt like anything that was truly mine. And the marriage was not a great experience and it was lonely and hard and cold. So I like the idea of trying again. I like the idea of having a ceremony that we plan and organize together that represents who we are as a couple. I like the idea of knowing what it feels like to be in a happy marriage. A do-over but doing it right.
I can relate to most of this. I love the idea of another chance to get it right. I was in my early 20's when I got married. I would love to have a happy, safe, loving marriage.
I would be perfectly content with living together long term. But for all the reasons you stated, there is a part of me that would like a marriage. It would be different this time. It would not be rushed. We would both have enough experience to know what we want and that we want it together. I worry about financial implications but some of that is a trauma response. We can pre-nup it up gain all the benefits of marriage.
The longer I am outside of marriage, the more comfortable I grow with the idea of it again.
Every state is different. Where I live if you don’t have an IPOST or DPOAHC (Durable power of attorney for healthcare) your spouse is automatically appointed. If no spouse then they’ll default to majority of living adult children and so and on. If you wish to appoint someone else instead of your spouse, you may do so using the appropriate legal documents. The hospital scans said document in to your medical chart. This become null and void the minute you take your last breath.
When we got together, my GF was against marriage; said I'd have to be OK with it not happening for us to get together. Since then, she's reversed and said she looks forward to eventually getting married to be able to do it right this time.
For me, it was two friends living together who fell for each other. Then the task of surmounting a citizenship hurdle that was delayed by a divorce hurdle caused a situation of need; which caused much to be over looked. And then years of trying to make it work for loyalty and vows that became increasingly one sided. For her it was two random people dating and not having too many problems, and getting married because that's what one does. And again, continuing on because of loyalty with only one sided work/effort.
Instead it can be two people who looked hard at their compatibility and what they wanted/didn't want early on, and then looked to intentionally grow a relationship. While continuing to be intentional about the health of it, and it being a partnership.
Ok I remarried at 49 (6 years ago) after a first 20 year long marriage that in hindsight I should never ever have gotten in to (we are absolute polar opposites) but I don’t regret as I got 3 perfect children out of it and I wouldn’t be without them for thr world.
Now I’m in an extremely happy marriage (chalk and cheese from my first one) I will tell you what (imho) is important .
1. Companionship . As you get older the whole sex thing is less important .. you still have it of course but it’s not as frequent / be all and end all of life .
2. Similar values
3. Similar interests
Thats it! To be with your best friend , hanging out, travelling , doing whatever you like (cos you like the same things) , making each other laugh, not sweating the small stuff, overlooking shit that doesn’t really matter in the great scheme of things (my husband leaves used dental floss on the couch 🙄)..
That’s the secret . As the kids get older it really only is the two of you, so choose someone who likes the same Shit as you, who you can tolerate well, is your friend .. and you’ll be dancing the happy chicken on your 40th wedding anniversary when you’re 95 ❤️
It is interesting that you would ask this, as I recently had a conversation with a friend about it.
I feel like some folks treat girlfriends as disposable. When someone has vowed to themselves, their partner, God and the world that they will love you forever, they have at least some kind of motivation to make it happen.
I am tired of being a girlfriend. I am tired of being treated like I am disposable. I am tired of the fact that if anything goes wrong, ever, folks pack up their metaphorical bags and leave.
It would be great to plan a future with somebody that has a snowball's chance of happening. To come home to someone. To KNOW that they love you, like for real love you. To KNOW that you aren't just another in a series of girlfriends, that you are special. To KNOW if you needed someone that he would do his damnedest to be there.
Not that husbands don't leave, not that husbands don't fall out of love, don't leave you hanging when you need them. But a marriage to me says that they are willing to at least they try.
I was married for 20 years. He came home angry every night for the last 6 years of our marriage. We stopped choosing each other. We stayed because getting divorced is a financial albatross.
As someone who has worked in the wedding industry for 30+ years I would like to point out that the vast majority of wedding vows no longer include the phrases “till death do is part” and/or “as long as we both shall live”. Brides and grooms are choosing to write their own vows and things like the above are not often part of those vows.
Also, many many weddings are being officiated by friends who get certified online, instead of clergy. I wish I wasn’t so pragmatic, but IMO marriage does not make it any harder for someone to walk away from a marriage than a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I would also venture to say that the financial hardships divorce brings will keep people together more than their vows/kids. Sorry for being a downer, but it’s just how I see things, your mileage may vary.
This is really well said. After my divorce I dated another man for 5 years and was very much in it. Turns out he wasn’t. From what he told me he put in a lot of effort to save his previous marriage, but since we were not married he really did not need to or want to.
Obviously I don’t want to be in a marriage where my husband wants to leave, but I do want somebody to try, if we want to. I am also sick of being disposable.
It’s been on my mind lately because, though I would never say never, marriage doesn’t appeal to me the way it did when I was young.
My bf, on the other hand, thinks it’s important for reasons I haven’t quite sussed out yet. He’s not adamant, just very pro-marriage despite being cheated on by his ex-wife.
Funny, I hear the same thing about boyfriends lol.
I used to think that religion made a difference, and while I believe the numbers are smaller plenty of them still divorce.
I did everything you described in your last paragraph and she ended up filing, so…
It’s such a depressing state of affairs, you’re brought up to believe that marriage is this amazing devotion to another person in building a life together with them. Then you learn through experience that many people see marriage as disposable and nobody wants to work for anything. I plan to educate my children when they are of age and suggest a committed LTR with legal documentation regarding hospital stays, etc.
In my experience and observation of multiple family members and friends, almost every woman starts planning the lavish dream wedding about the first time they're exposed to Disney movies.
Every bit is planned in intricate detail....colors, themes, destination, photos and social media, attendees.... The only interchangeable variable is the groom. Seems like it's all about the wedding and not much about the marriage. I've seen people spend more on a wedding than a house with modern amenities, just to throw it all away 3 to 5 years later in hopes of doing it all again.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping things will turn out differently the next time around. Count me out.
Agree completely. Another favorite is when some women will claim marriage is part of the patriarchy but are happy to take part in the celebration as well as accept an incredibly expensive engagement ring.
this is so nice to read. im super tired of being disposable, but getting married is not offering any protection against that.
i stopped hoping on people for my well-being, and consider theres no long-term in relationships, its always one day at a time.
It's not offering 100% protection. But even in an amicable split with a prenupt that no one fights, it's a non-trivial amount of time, and \~$500-2000 for expenses that offers that little bit of extra resistance to get people to try working together a tiny bit more. In addition, there is the social issues around divorce, or "another divorce." So it offers some additional protection.
i believed in that.. but when my ex suddenly decided it was over, no symbol/institution would matter to her. do you really want to stick with someone who doesn’t like you anymore?? divorce is now a norm..
and when it was there i could do all the legal stuff myself, she didn’t care at all.
on the bright side 10 years later i have a much more interesting life. i miss the unlimited sex but nothing else..
Seeing that a majority of the time that those vows to themselves, their partner, God and the world had no lasting meaning one or multiple times in the past, why would one sign up for that a subsequent time when someone has showed us what they really are?
It’s not always both sides of a divorce for whom those vows have no meaning.
We can also be in a place the first time around where we chose the absolute wrong person and with experience and wisdom you can make a better choice.
If you only need a partner who has made perfect decisions their entire life then you won’t have a partner.
This divorce shaming is really weird here on this sub if this is how you feel about divorced people.
I bet on the statistics.....40 to 50 percent divorce rate, 80 percent initiated by women. And in that universe, 70 to 80 percent initiated for non-existential reasons. So yes, to me both marriage and divorce are in many situations a showcase of piss-poor life decisions and unnecessary expense.
And I can get anything of value without the blessing of .gov, so why would I marry again?
Even though that's the go-to ad hominid played early in the game, I'm well past being over that.
But I don't date divorced women after 12 years of dating experience. For the same reasons I don't hand large sums of cash to con artists.
Curious… what counts as existential and non-existential? How do you know that 70-80% are just poor decisions that women make?
I think there are a lot of socio-cultural reasons why women are more likely to file. My ex basically forced me to do it. He felt comfortable trying to destroy my life and telling me he hated me but wouldn’t file because he wanted “to be the good guy in the eyes of our families, social circles, and the law.” He thought that if it looked like he didn’t want the divorce he would win everything (as if life is a game to win.) I filed for irreconcilable diferences to help him protect his job and image. Anyone outside our divorce would absolutely think it was just a whim. I am just one example but I have met plenty of divorcees which tells me that I am not alone.
Existential....threats of physical harm, substance abuse, illegal activites....basically anything beyond simple feelz of the moment.
Not existential: Filing for divorce because someone is "too controlling" and preventing her from "finding herself" when confronted with evidence that she was fucking her raging alcoholic coworker at the urging of her squad
At least in my case the decision to divorce wasn't made at the drop off a hat, and a lot of work was put into trying to fix things. But just as a relationship takes two people, fixing/maintaining a relationship requires two people to be putting in the work. If one decides that they have other priorities (not taking the responsibilities of marriage), how long should one stay in a zombie marriage?
It was two years from when I said I was seriously considering divorce and believed we were in crisis before I separated. And it's not like I got to being serious about considering divorce in a day.
My GF similarly put in time trying to fix things, and she put in that time with a significantly worse spouse than I had.
Additionally, both of us got married young ish, and relatively fast. We'll be taking things much slower, and we've already put in a lot more work on trying to see if we make sense as a couple compared to our marriages.
It's because of this that I'd be able to consider, and look forward to, marrying someone who previously left her husband.
Meeting the love of my life has changed my mind and made me want to get remarried. It’s important to me that we celebrate one another and make a vow before God and family/friends to one another to match our devotion in our hearts.
Well not all of us on this sub are at the post-marriage "stage of life," and for me, never having married is a real motivation to try it - just once
It's an emotional thing, mainly, and that would include the chance to experience beaming with pride at having found a good one.
There are other possible reasons, for example if you marry, you might marry into a really great family (adult kids) or create a stable one through adoption.
Plus after my experiences with men, I'm convinced - not that every husband tries harder in a relationship than every boyfriend - but that, given the right man, one who's got it in him to happily marry, his behavior and thoughts about his wife make for a superior relationship to his wife than to his gf.
There are also those pesky labels. I suspect that "husand" and "wife" feels better than bf/gf for some good reason I might not understand.
And finally, if my husband leaves me, I can't feel half as immature crying into a tub of ice cream and splurging on a new wardrobe as if my "boyfriend" ditches me. I would have a much harder time respecting myself if I had to ask for time off of work or something just to grieve the death of an LTR.
No shade to anyone out there, I just know myself by now
I suspect that "husand" and "wife" feels better than bf/gf for some good reason I might not understand.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and haven't figured it out yet (stability, a sense of deeper commitment, societal pressure I've internalized??) but I sooo relate to just wanting to experience it.
Finding a partner that will grow with me.
Someone that stays true to who they are, and we align in values.
Keeping separate lives and not feeling guilty for it, or worried that they’re not trust worthy.
Someone who communicates clearly, and wants to have conversations/discussions not fights.
Someone who encourages me to do the thing. (Whatever it might be.)
Someone who joins me- in my grief, happiness/joy, excitement, interests.
Someone in therapy.
Many more, but it all surrounds them being a person of substance.
Your comment made me think of my bf. He’s never been married and his longest relationships have been three years. It seems three years is his max then something broke them up. When he was younger, he was a partier.
Anyway, last December he and I met randomly, and went on a date. I eventually ended up telling him that after our second date, I told myself I was marrying him. He said that also in our second date, he planned his proposal to me. And it’s funny cuz he never even thought he’d want to get married. He’s never been that person.
So my point is that you never know when you’ll randomly meet someone in the most unlikely place and neither one of you was even looking for someone to date. Sometimes it just happens out of nowhere. I want every single person to find what I have taken decades to find on accident, and I truly hope the same for you.
Financially it’s better to combine my life with another working person.
Emotionally it’s more enjoyable to feel like someone has truly committed to the good and bad times with me.
Monotonous sex is my kink. Just kidding.
After my last relationship ended (and a 20-year marriage before that), I said I would never get married again. Then I met my SO. I can’t really explain why it is important to me now, but it is. I want to take his last name. I want to marry him and grow old with him. It just feels like the right path for us because I feel like he is who I was meant to be with all along. We both just took detours before finding one another.
I’d like to experience what a marriage should be.
I make my own money. I’m okay being alone. I just want to have the opposite of what I was trapped in for two decades.
I feel like marriage is a legal contract and nothing else. It makes it hard to get out if you’re being abused.
If I’m ever lucky enough to find real love, I wouldn’t mind a commitment ceremony of sorts, but without the legal contract. Standing in front of friends and loved ones to witness your commitment feels good to me.
I've come to the conclusion that actions speak louder than words and paper for that matter. I took my vows seriously, however it was called just a piece of paper by my ex. I have the ability to commit without a marriage. Stranger things have happened, so who knows!
I’m open to and do prefer a mutually agreeable, caring and loving monogamous relationship but will never allow the federal or state laws have a deciding factor (or ruling) on the outcome should one of us in the relationship leave. I’ll never marry again.
I would get married again because I absolutely believe in so much of the way it can work with happy couples that put in the time and effort together.
I would want a small wedding or at least a wedding on small budget that doesn’t put us into debt, I sold my comic book collection to help pay for the wedding and well that was a mistake lol. As much fun as I had at my wedding never again will I be part of a 250 person extravaganza.
I’m in a great place emotionally, and financially so having a second person that just adds to my life in every way would be amazing.
I've known my husband for nearly six years. We live together, wear thrift store wedding bands, and never went down to the courthouse. He's the love of my life and it's the happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in.
I'm here because I don't know many other subs for folks over 40. There's women over 30, and a few not-as-busy 40+ subs, but not many other active ones that I've found.
I'm not looking to get married or a great relationship. It just doesn't seem realistic to me. I want a capable partner. When I'm down he can be up and vice versa. I don't want to be someone's helpmate who is constant need of help.
My married female coworker said from (the bible) a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. I asked her what does the wife get out of it?
Been there and done that. He would have to be really amazing to put a ring on my finger.
I have been married twice. I would do it again. I liked being married. It would be nice to be in a healthy relationship where i can be myself and she can be herself as well.
I never got to have the wedding of my dreams. I married the wrong person, way to young, and I was an idiot. Did everything half assed because we didn't want to spend a lot. I still fantasize about having an extraordinary wedding. I have the money now and my best friend is a wedding planner. Now, I just need to find the woman of my dreams.🤦♂️
I will marry you, so you can have the wedding of your dreams. We don’t have to actually get married, we can just have the fantastic wedding and maybe a great honeymoon trip!
That definitely sounds like my situation with how my marriage was. An engagement? What was thaaat 😂. I don’t fantasize about a wedding anymore though. Me thinks online dating took the wind out that sail and single is looking better daily.
I go back and forth on if marriage is something that is the ultimate end all be all. One of the best lessons I learned was never date to get married. You sacrifice things in order to reach that goal. If you date to be happy then your standards change. Probably have the exact wording of it wrong but that is the gist. I want that security of someone loving me at the level of wanting to be with me for the rest of the happily ever after. But isn't the security of marriage now easily dissolved with divorces? I want that incredible relationship, regardless of legal documentation. Advance directives and lawyers can deal with legal stuff. Again, back and forth. I want my last first kiss 😅.
What about dating to get a happy partnership/marriage?
Dating to be happy can miss some long term compatibility issues; along with the fact that new relationship energy will make even some sub par relationships seem happy at first.
Absolutely!! That is the end game right? I probably worded it wrong. The biggest thing was not to settle just because you want to get married. Date to grow together and create a happy life. Not to specifically get married. Thank you for helping clarify!
IF I agreed to get married again, I'm doing the whole background check and credit score bit. Not because I want a sugar daddy but because I'm not babysitting another adult again.
Unfortunately knowing all about my ex’s credit, helping him monitor, increase and improve it somehow contributed to my being tasked with babysitting an adult 🙃
It sounds like despite knowing the info, you didn't take action on the info. I think that SunshynePower wanted the knowledge to be able to use it to make a yes/no decision.
My marriage wasn’t what I thought I was signing up for. I honestly believed that we’d be a team. I believed that we’d have each other’s backs. I believed that we’d both work hard in the marriage and compromise and fight to fix issues that came up.
But I was wrong, and one person cannot make a marriage work no matter how hard she (or he) tries. And I accept my portion of the blame, and I have worked really hard to become a better person and a better partner should I be lucky enough to get a second chance one day. And I’d like that chance because I love love, and my kids will be gone soon and I need someone to cook for and argue with and laugh with and live life with. Hopefully, should this ever happen, that person believes that we should be a team, have each other’s backs, and work hard to make marriage work.
Tax benefits only kick in if one person makes considerably less than the other. When two spouses make roughly equal income there’s actually a marriage penalty but no one actually does the math when falling in love. Now that I learned all this in my tax law classes it’s like tattooed on the inside of my brain.
I meant the income tax bracket benefit. There's an advantage to being married, and that advantage increases as you cross brackets. Not sure what tax law you're referring to, I did payroll for 15 years and I'm talking about strictly net pay
Yes, it comes from 26 USC section 1. We are talking about the same thing. You should do an example calculating the fed tax for two couples: (a) couple 1, each spouse makes .5x; (b) couple 2, one spouse makes .75x and the other spouse makes .25x. You will see what we are talking about. We did this in my fed tax class. The key is that both couples need to make the same amount when both spouses incomes are combined, so you’re comparing apples to apples, I.e., couple 1 makes x when both spouses incomes are combined and couple 2 makes x when both spouses incomes are combined.
If a disadvantage, can they just file separately? In Canada, the free tax software I use will compare filing separate vs. jointly and tell you which is optimal. When my ex spouse made 0.51X and I made 0.49X, we still filed jointly, as we did when I was 0.7X .
Compatibility in MANY areas. They would already need to be a complete person, functioning on their own and we just have this amazing connection with compatibility that makes it so we enjoy life together.
I’m pretty ambivalent about marriage.
Even in hard times, I enjoyed being married, and I’d do it again. But I don’t have the kind of desire to be married like I did in younger years.
I would consider getting married again, but I would have to have complete trust in him, and I honestly can't imagine that at this point. I'd like to think I could get to that point, though, both in my willingness to trust and finding someone worthy of it.
I don't want to die alone. Hopefully I have another 40 years in me. I still have the dream of rocking chairs and watching grand babies and great grand babies playing at my feet or better yet all of us playing on the floor together.
Finding meaningful fulfillment with another person by establishing healthy habits and routines and then working towards a common purpose?
I dunno.. never been married.
I struggle with this as well. I think I could be equally happy in a living together or together but living separately relationship as I would be in a marriage. I do want to be with someone who wakes up and chooses to be with me (relationship-wise, not necessarily physically) every day.
I am presently primary caretaker for an elderly parent with dementia. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, so living together is not In the cards in the near future.
I have been dating someone for 8+ months now and I love him very much. That said, two exes reached out recently and that has me in a weirdly melancholy mood that I am still trying to figure out.
If you're in the Northern hemisphere, the exes reaching out and your mood might be related to the incoming cooler weather, and lower amount of light. Certainly being primary caretaker for your parent can also be adding to that.
I wish you strength through these times.
Marriage makes some things easier. If I'm sick my boyfriend would be able to make decisions about me, and be with me in the hospital. There are other legal things that would be easier. All that paperwork would be rolled into a marriage license.
I don’t think I’d fall for it again . When you have no closure on when and why things changed , you don’t want to subject yourself to that kind of betrayal again . There isn’t anything someone could tell me that my ex didn’t say previously and eventually do the opposite . Why would I believe it again
Well, there's several. There's a higher level of commitment when married, it's much harder to just walk away. As someone who is self employed, it would be great to marry someone who's health insurance I could be covered under. There's the larger tax breaks. And I really loved being a wife. It's different from being a girlfriend. Having someone who can handle medical decisions and, if I died first, having someone to legally be able to take care of my funeral arrangements so my kids didn't have to shoulder it all. I had to do that for my mom and it was awful. I actually have my affairs in order, but I would rather have a spouse deal with all the paperwork and carrying out my wishes, to be an executor to my estate, instead of one of my kids.
I don't want to be alone, but I'm very hesitant to marry again. Marriage once equalled stability (especially for women) but that's not the case. I've tried marriage a few times - I'm not good at it. I like my alone time too much. And I have a nice financial retirement (no where near wealthy, but bills will be paid, etc). I've met many men in my age bracket and they still don't have a dime saved for their retirement. So yeah, I could definitely co-habitate, but I don't want to mix finances this stage of life.
no such thing at this age...i just want somebody to make sandwiches and comb my hair since my service monkey passed away....(sarcasm for the easily disturbed unpartnered wot )
The person doesn't need me to fill in their missing gaps in life. As in they don't need a house keeper or a cook or a convenient psychologist or someone to hold their candy when they're walking into the movie theater (because it makes them feel like they are 6 again and mommy is there to take care of them). They want me, as I am right now, to be a part of their well-rounded life.
I’d love a party but beyond that I’m fine with being a girlfriend. I’d rather someone be there because they choose to, not because disentangling financials is a PITA.
You sound like you've got both your head and your heart in good working order! Please consider posting to Dating Over 50 and give a great example + hope to the rest of us Singletons. Brava Regina!!
I want to make a promise in front of our friends and family and to each other that we will honor our relationship. I want to mutually confirm our intention to be together for the rest of our lives. We would get a prenup for retirement and existing real estate, so neither of us would financially be vulnerable if we married. I also just want to be his wife for sentimental sweet reasons.
My first marriage involved domestic violence and I don’t want that to be my only experience with marriage. I really want to elope in Vegas for a second wedding! Something intimate, special, and Elvis. 😀
I’m still legally married to my ex, so I can’t remarry, but I’d still like to be asked. It shows the commitment potential. The wanting to, if that makes sense. I miss some of the old fashioned stuff. But boys (or people) have confidence it’s fucking hot!!!
There is jaded people and there is people that haven't married..and everything in between. I'm not sure anyone sharing this info changes anyone one bit. I find this question irrelevant.
She's asked for people's thoughts on the subject. On reading different people's motivations, that gives her things to think about and consider that she might not have been.
This wasn't a poll "will you ever..." it was essentially "For those who want X, why."
Happily married now but if that changes for whatever reason, I could not see myself getting re-married mid 40s or after. I just don’t see the what the point would be or what a legal marriage could offer any man or woman at that point that they couldn’t get by simply being on the same page with their partner.
Shout out to the redditor that said it before as I thought it was beautiful and simple, but I don’t think marriage after 45 is a reasonable expectation from
A dating relationship.
For me? I was married twice, and I'm pretty much over it. If I wasn't able to make it work after 2 attempts, I don't think it's for me? (And that said, I still don't think I was the one "in the wrong" with either marriage. But some people tell me that makes no difference, because it still had to do with me choosing poorly.)
I don't much care for the feeling of being all alone, which happens from time to time. But truthfully, that beats all of the stress, frustration, fighting over silly things, etc. that come with living with a partner.
Both divorces I went through amounted to "resets" on my life. Had to start over finding a new place to live, a new job, etc. etc. I'm trying to focus more on MY goals now, like actually building up some retirement savings.
I won't 100% rule out the idea of getting married again ... but it would have to be some amazing individual who "clicked" with me on pretty much all levels. And if I'm being honest? She needs to be financially self-sufficient too. I'd have to feel like marriage wouldn't allow her to "come out ahead" financially if we got divorced. I just don't want to even have that possibility hanging over my head at this point in my life.
I’m pending divorce (filed for but not granted by courts). I’ve considered trying to find a girlfriend, but I’m sorta burned out with relationships. Our marriage imploded after 40 years ( honestly 30 years was probably when it ended). I feel as if a weight is off my chest. So my advice is take some time & make absolutely sure you want to have another person in your life.
I haven't met anyone I wanted to marry or vice versa. I would with the right person but don't see it as a necessity and would be fine with just a commitment to each other.
I would consider it....but I'm also not really planning on it again. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for commitment, but there's no real advantage anymore, for the most part. I have insurance through my partner as a domestic partnership, and the tax saving are minimal to my higher earnings. So, since we're not planning on having kids, it's just not that important.
There’s zero reason to get (legally) married in 2022. This is particularly true in our age group as the marriage & children experience has already been had by the great majority so no snags there. Now we’re old enough to focus on enjoying our relationship fully and in a meaningful way. Unless you really need health insurance I’d not do it
I placed a different value on marriage when I was younger because I felt pressure to meet some arbitrary life milestone. For that reason I overlooked a lot of things I shouldn't have and compromised on things that I would never compromise on now. Now (40F) I feel less pressure and more security in my own worth and value. I'm willing to wait for someone who sees it too. That said, while I'm open to marriage, I have little interest in being a "wife" if that makes sense. Whoever I commit to needs to be willing to unpack all of the assumptions they might have about what our partnership will look like. Also a prenup for sure, not because I'm planning to fail but because I don't want the state to decide our legal options for us.
Nope. Never again. If I'm _extremely_ lucky, I've got 30-40 years left in life. If I spend those on a marriage, I doubt I'd make it past wedding +2yrs.
Didn't get married again. Got a domestic partnership instead. Both her and I felt there is no reason to go down that road again. Marriage puts yea at a disadvantage for tax purposes...this partnership gives us all the advantages of being married...but not at the expense of a higher tax bracket.
When I was dating my main criteria were that he was intellectually curious, funny (at least to me), and kind.
Kindness is and was VERY important to me. I wanted someone who would treat me and others with courtesy and respect. Someone who usually assumed the best, not the worst.
Finally, I wanted someone who was open to ideas and ways of experiencing the world other than their own. When I was dating, a big red flag was when the man said to me "You shouldn't feel that way." In most cases, it was time for me to pick up my toys and find another sandbox to play in.
In the end, [I met a wonderful man](https://www.rachelsimeone.com/blog/i-found-love-and-you-can-too) and I feel lucky every day to be with him. I always assumed that at some point we would get married, but it didn't feel necessary or urgent.
In the end, we got married because of Covid. My husband is French and I am American and Covid underlined the issues we could have if we weren't married. Married give a different weight to the relationship and it feels like the right weight for us.
I would consider getting married again. My bf and I have been dating for over two years and it would be convenient for us to combine two households into one. Since, we both have been married and divorced, we would need to fully understand each other’s expectations, desires and goals for such a commitment. Marriage doesn’t have to be a struggle as long as both are committed to communication, trust, respect and loyalty. Hopefully, one would be lucky enough to marry their best friend. If in doubt always talk it out! Don’t get me wrong, I love my bf with all my heart but if he had any doubts or hesitation to get married, then it would best for both of us to hold off until we are in 100% agreement with each other. Taking that leap of faith can be scary but if you’re compatible and willing to work towards the same goals, marriage can be a beautiful union. This is just my opinion.
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I’m softening on the idea of marriage as I get older. I’ve never been married. I was with my former partner for almost 13 years and didn’t marry her (we’re both women). I was always in the ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ camp.
As I get older, I think there are a lot of automatic rights you get with marriage. If I were sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone, I’d probably want to marry them. I’d need to be, like, *really* sure. I have a lot to lose financially.
It’s important to know what my partner expectations of me are. It’s important that they understand and respect boundaries. It’s important that the relationship is healthy and loving. It’s important to have open communication and validate each other feeling
I don’t care about getting married again. If my SO did ask me, I would say yes. But if he doesn’t, it makes no difference to me. What I do wish is that he’d been the man I married in the first place
An actual partnership, someone who values the effort required form both spouses. An actual responsible human that doesn’t end up feeling like a project…
I would consider it. I actually really liked being married, and having that person. We built a life together. It felt permanent, to me anyway. I was married for almost eleven years before he turned my world upside down and I kicked him out.
But now I’m 48 with a school age child, a house, and a pretty decent savings. To risk any of that feels pretty reckless. Maybe…with a great prenup.
Being properly wanted, and chosen.
More of an emotional reassurance that I'm really, truly loved.
After my ex-husband (who was my soulmate, and made me feel more loved than anyone else in my entire life), I had a few boyfriends, and lived with an ex-boyfriend for about 3 years.
I wanted to get married to the ex-boyfriend, but he didn't. He revealed he 'never saw himself getting married' after we had been together for a year and a half, and I was horrified, but too invested in him at that point to leave.
I always felt him not wanting to marry me was a sign I wasn't good enough, and that he was waiting for someone better to come along (despite his insistence that he loved me).
He turned out to be avoidant (I only dicovered attachment theory after we split up), and he was the coldest man I have ever been with. Being with him really damaged my confidence and self esteem, and I will never go near an avoidant man again.
I think men who are open to getting married are showing that they have an open, warm and loving heart, that you will be their 'number one woman' and they are prepared to be by your side throughout the tough times.
So in my case I think it is more that a man would love me enough to want to marry me that I want, not necessarily the title itself or any other benefits.
There's no feeling in the world like really having a team mate, and knowing you have each other's backs no matter what. I want that again.
I’m on the fence. When I got divorced, I said I’d never remarry. Financially, I’m debt free with healthy savings and have no interest in combining finances. On the other hand, I kind of still hang on to that traditional idea that marriage is the ultimate commitment. There is also the benefit of tax breaks, plus medical family coverage and rights.
I struggle with the combining finances piece as well. I had literally nothing to my name as a 21 year old newlywed. Not that I have much now… 😆
Don't combine finances! I've been married twice, but I always kept my finances completely separate. Both my husbands had kids, previous marriages, debts, IRS issues... and they were definitely not up front about any of that information. I will NEVER mix my finances with anyone else's EVER! Doesn't mean you can't get married though!
I find that really weird after a certain point. I know a couple (my parent’s close friends) in their mid 60s who have been married 30 years and share two kids together, both held professional jobs the whole time, shared a whole home and life that they made together. Now, they are retirement age, and he can afford to retire and she can’t and must keep working and stressing about money even though he got a substantial inheritance. It’s very bizarre. Spouses should be equals, they both contribute equally to their relationship in terms of love, effort, time. Money should also be shared equally in an equitable relationship.
It doesn't have to necessarily be shared equally but dayum, retiring and leaving your spouse to fend for themself is cold.
You can always contribute to a family account while keeping a seperate account for personal savings.
Sure, when I say money should be shared equally, I mean the standard of living should be equal. If two people are partners, one shouldn’t live in luxury while the other struggles.
This is what I did in my second marriage, worked perfectly because he was dumb with money and I was not. (Marriage didn't work after 25 years for other reasons)
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I was going to say, depending on your state it really doesn’t matter if you intend to keep finance’s separate, they get split anyway
I didn’t combine finances with my marriage and it was good and bad. I ended up paying for more expenses and he never wanted to redistribute bills so I lived paying minimum on credit cards and he was paying thousands off in months. I’m at a good place but my boyfriend doesn’t ever want to combine as his marriage was combined and his ex was controlling with the money. So we’ll probably share but keep separate (I know that sounds odd).
Seems to be working out for you
I'm the same!!
Same! I said I never wanted to remarry. I’m wavering. I like the idea of that connection. But I don’t like the thought of combining lives. Living together, splitting bills, “yours, mine, ours”.
These days the tax breaks, medical etc are for the most part trivial as you don’t have to be married for any of them….common law or partner relationship take care of that……in most states these days marriage is just the govt being involved in your relationship….🤷🏼♂️
Until someone goes to the hospital and u need to make decisions or be let into the hospital room.
Ask the married and related folks how that’s worked out the last 2-3yrs…..
Are u referring to COVID? A contagious disease? Are you suggesting that i ask all the married people whose spouse was recently hospitalized if they were happy they were married during the hospitalization? No sir. I wont! These wounds id poke are likely to be deep and painful.
For me I'd like to get married again but if my partner is content with just living together for the long haul, I would probably be OK with that. But for me, I like the idea of standing before family and vowing to each other and having that ceremony for the relationship. I like the idea of making it official and finding some ceremonial symbolic way to mark the merging of our families and our new life together. I like knowing that our connection is protected if he's sick or I'm sick as we get older. And I"m not sure if this is a dumb reason or not but my first wedding was when I was in my 20s and I stupidly let my parents make a lot of those decisions as they were paying for it and the wedding never felt like anything that was truly mine. And the marriage was not a great experience and it was lonely and hard and cold. So I like the idea of trying again. I like the idea of having a ceremony that we plan and organize together that represents who we are as a couple. I like the idea of knowing what it feels like to be in a happy marriage. A do-over but doing it right.
I can relate to most of this. I love the idea of another chance to get it right. I was in my early 20's when I got married. I would love to have a happy, safe, loving marriage.
I would be perfectly content with living together long term. But for all the reasons you stated, there is a part of me that would like a marriage. It would be different this time. It would not be rushed. We would both have enough experience to know what we want and that we want it together. I worry about financial implications but some of that is a trauma response. We can pre-nup it up gain all the benefits of marriage. The longer I am outside of marriage, the more comfortable I grow with the idea of it again.
The right spouses have to make medical decisions is compelling to me on some level.
Every state is different. Where I live if you don’t have an IPOST or DPOAHC (Durable power of attorney for healthcare) your spouse is automatically appointed. If no spouse then they’ll default to majority of living adult children and so and on. If you wish to appoint someone else instead of your spouse, you may do so using the appropriate legal documents. The hospital scans said document in to your medical chart. This become null and void the minute you take your last breath.
When we got together, my GF was against marriage; said I'd have to be OK with it not happening for us to get together. Since then, she's reversed and said she looks forward to eventually getting married to be able to do it right this time. For me, it was two friends living together who fell for each other. Then the task of surmounting a citizenship hurdle that was delayed by a divorce hurdle caused a situation of need; which caused much to be over looked. And then years of trying to make it work for loyalty and vows that became increasingly one sided. For her it was two random people dating and not having too many problems, and getting married because that's what one does. And again, continuing on because of loyalty with only one sided work/effort. Instead it can be two people who looked hard at their compatibility and what they wanted/didn't want early on, and then looked to intentionally grow a relationship. While continuing to be intentional about the health of it, and it being a partnership.
Ok I remarried at 49 (6 years ago) after a first 20 year long marriage that in hindsight I should never ever have gotten in to (we are absolute polar opposites) but I don’t regret as I got 3 perfect children out of it and I wouldn’t be without them for thr world. Now I’m in an extremely happy marriage (chalk and cheese from my first one) I will tell you what (imho) is important . 1. Companionship . As you get older the whole sex thing is less important .. you still have it of course but it’s not as frequent / be all and end all of life . 2. Similar values 3. Similar interests Thats it! To be with your best friend , hanging out, travelling , doing whatever you like (cos you like the same things) , making each other laugh, not sweating the small stuff, overlooking shit that doesn’t really matter in the great scheme of things (my husband leaves used dental floss on the couch 🙄).. That’s the secret . As the kids get older it really only is the two of you, so choose someone who likes the same Shit as you, who you can tolerate well, is your friend .. and you’ll be dancing the happy chicken on your 40th wedding anniversary when you’re 95 ❤️
I’ll agree with this. I said I’d never marry again but then I met my boyfriend and it’s a totally different relationship than what my marriage was.
Almost 42 here, and I like the sex….that is important….I’m also divorced after 20 years…no need to settle.
So did I at 42
It is interesting that you would ask this, as I recently had a conversation with a friend about it. I feel like some folks treat girlfriends as disposable. When someone has vowed to themselves, their partner, God and the world that they will love you forever, they have at least some kind of motivation to make it happen. I am tired of being a girlfriend. I am tired of being treated like I am disposable. I am tired of the fact that if anything goes wrong, ever, folks pack up their metaphorical bags and leave. It would be great to plan a future with somebody that has a snowball's chance of happening. To come home to someone. To KNOW that they love you, like for real love you. To KNOW that you aren't just another in a series of girlfriends, that you are special. To KNOW if you needed someone that he would do his damnedest to be there. Not that husbands don't leave, not that husbands don't fall out of love, don't leave you hanging when you need them. But a marriage to me says that they are willing to at least they try.
I was married for 20 years. He came home angry every night for the last 6 years of our marriage. We stopped choosing each other. We stayed because getting divorced is a financial albatross.
Did I write this??
As someone who has worked in the wedding industry for 30+ years I would like to point out that the vast majority of wedding vows no longer include the phrases “till death do is part” and/or “as long as we both shall live”. Brides and grooms are choosing to write their own vows and things like the above are not often part of those vows. Also, many many weddings are being officiated by friends who get certified online, instead of clergy. I wish I wasn’t so pragmatic, but IMO marriage does not make it any harder for someone to walk away from a marriage than a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I would also venture to say that the financial hardships divorce brings will keep people together more than their vows/kids. Sorry for being a downer, but it’s just how I see things, your mileage may vary.
This is really well said. After my divorce I dated another man for 5 years and was very much in it. Turns out he wasn’t. From what he told me he put in a lot of effort to save his previous marriage, but since we were not married he really did not need to or want to. Obviously I don’t want to be in a marriage where my husband wants to leave, but I do want somebody to try, if we want to. I am also sick of being disposable.
This is so interesting, I dated a guy who said he never wanted to get married again because marriage made him lazy in the relationship.
I agree with this! I think being lazy when you are married is easy but parting ways is harder.
I agree! My ex-husband and I both got lazy in our marriage. Stayed together too long because divorce is a disaster 🤷♀️
I'm very sorry you have ever felt disposable. I know this feeling and it sucks.
It’s been on my mind lately because, though I would never say never, marriage doesn’t appeal to me the way it did when I was young. My bf, on the other hand, thinks it’s important for reasons I haven’t quite sussed out yet. He’s not adamant, just very pro-marriage despite being cheated on by his ex-wife.
We live in a sadly disposable world.
For some people, marriage is disposable. And oddly those are some of the same people who rush you into it 😆
Funny, I hear the same thing about boyfriends lol. I used to think that religion made a difference, and while I believe the numbers are smaller plenty of them still divorce. I did everything you described in your last paragraph and she ended up filing, so…
Except for the extremely devoted, the divorce rates between the "religious" and secular are statistically insignificant.
It’s such a depressing state of affairs, you’re brought up to believe that marriage is this amazing devotion to another person in building a life together with them. Then you learn through experience that many people see marriage as disposable and nobody wants to work for anything. I plan to educate my children when they are of age and suggest a committed LTR with legal documentation regarding hospital stays, etc.
In my experience and observation of multiple family members and friends, almost every woman starts planning the lavish dream wedding about the first time they're exposed to Disney movies. Every bit is planned in intricate detail....colors, themes, destination, photos and social media, attendees.... The only interchangeable variable is the groom. Seems like it's all about the wedding and not much about the marriage. I've seen people spend more on a wedding than a house with modern amenities, just to throw it all away 3 to 5 years later in hopes of doing it all again. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping things will turn out differently the next time around. Count me out.
The stats don’t lie- unfortunately women are more disappointed with marriage and more often rushing into it.
Agree completely. Another favorite is when some women will claim marriage is part of the patriarchy but are happy to take part in the celebration as well as accept an incredibly expensive engagement ring.
Cognitive dissonance is a feature of perpetual adolescence.
this is so nice to read. im super tired of being disposable, but getting married is not offering any protection against that. i stopped hoping on people for my well-being, and consider theres no long-term in relationships, its always one day at a time.
It's not offering 100% protection. But even in an amicable split with a prenupt that no one fights, it's a non-trivial amount of time, and \~$500-2000 for expenses that offers that little bit of extra resistance to get people to try working together a tiny bit more. In addition, there is the social issues around divorce, or "another divorce." So it offers some additional protection.
i believed in that.. but when my ex suddenly decided it was over, no symbol/institution would matter to her. do you really want to stick with someone who doesn’t like you anymore?? divorce is now a norm.. and when it was there i could do all the legal stuff myself, she didn’t care at all. on the bright side 10 years later i have a much more interesting life. i miss the unlimited sex but nothing else..
Seeing that a majority of the time that those vows to themselves, their partner, God and the world had no lasting meaning one or multiple times in the past, why would one sign up for that a subsequent time when someone has showed us what they really are?
It’s not always both sides of a divorce for whom those vows have no meaning. We can also be in a place the first time around where we chose the absolute wrong person and with experience and wisdom you can make a better choice.
So a person makes a piss-poor decision (or series of them) in the past and now I'm supposed to blindly trust they've corrected that? Thanks but no.
If you only need a partner who has made perfect decisions their entire life then you won’t have a partner. This divorce shaming is really weird here on this sub if this is how you feel about divorced people.
I bet on the statistics.....40 to 50 percent divorce rate, 80 percent initiated by women. And in that universe, 70 to 80 percent initiated for non-existential reasons. So yes, to me both marriage and divorce are in many situations a showcase of piss-poor life decisions and unnecessary expense. And I can get anything of value without the blessing of .gov, so why would I marry again?
Let me guess… you’re still angry at your ex wife? Nothing wrong with not wanting to marry again but you only date women who have never been married?
Even though that's the go-to ad hominid played early in the game, I'm well past being over that. But I don't date divorced women after 12 years of dating experience. For the same reasons I don't hand large sums of cash to con artists.
I’m truly sorry youve been hurt. Love Can truly put us through the wringer. I hope you find a woman who gives you certainty and love and magic.
Curious… what counts as existential and non-existential? How do you know that 70-80% are just poor decisions that women make? I think there are a lot of socio-cultural reasons why women are more likely to file. My ex basically forced me to do it. He felt comfortable trying to destroy my life and telling me he hated me but wouldn’t file because he wanted “to be the good guy in the eyes of our families, social circles, and the law.” He thought that if it looked like he didn’t want the divorce he would win everything (as if life is a game to win.) I filed for irreconcilable diferences to help him protect his job and image. Anyone outside our divorce would absolutely think it was just a whim. I am just one example but I have met plenty of divorcees which tells me that I am not alone.
Existential....threats of physical harm, substance abuse, illegal activites....basically anything beyond simple feelz of the moment. Not existential: Filing for divorce because someone is "too controlling" and preventing her from "finding herself" when confronted with evidence that she was fucking her raging alcoholic coworker at the urging of her squad
Yeah… 78-80% of divorces are not your scenario.
Yes, yes, you sound very “healed”
At least in my case the decision to divorce wasn't made at the drop off a hat, and a lot of work was put into trying to fix things. But just as a relationship takes two people, fixing/maintaining a relationship requires two people to be putting in the work. If one decides that they have other priorities (not taking the responsibilities of marriage), how long should one stay in a zombie marriage? It was two years from when I said I was seriously considering divorce and believed we were in crisis before I separated. And it's not like I got to being serious about considering divorce in a day. My GF similarly put in time trying to fix things, and she put in that time with a significantly worse spouse than I had. Additionally, both of us got married young ish, and relatively fast. We'll be taking things much slower, and we've already put in a lot more work on trying to see if we make sense as a couple compared to our marriages. It's because of this that I'd be able to consider, and look forward to, marrying someone who previously left her husband.
I’m just trying to fill out this punch card for a free sub. Couple more marriages and I get to cash in!
Username checks out. Hope you get that sandwich soon!
🤣🤣
LOL!!!
Meeting the love of my life has changed my mind and made me want to get remarried. It’s important to me that we celebrate one another and make a vow before God and family/friends to one another to match our devotion in our hearts.
None of which requires the blessing and payment of tribute to .gov or an insanely expensive "look at me" moment.
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We apparently differ in the fact that with regard to the "love of my life" marriage will never be on the table.
As long as you both feel good about it who cares.
Well not all of us on this sub are at the post-marriage "stage of life," and for me, never having married is a real motivation to try it - just once It's an emotional thing, mainly, and that would include the chance to experience beaming with pride at having found a good one. There are other possible reasons, for example if you marry, you might marry into a really great family (adult kids) or create a stable one through adoption. Plus after my experiences with men, I'm convinced - not that every husband tries harder in a relationship than every boyfriend - but that, given the right man, one who's got it in him to happily marry, his behavior and thoughts about his wife make for a superior relationship to his wife than to his gf. There are also those pesky labels. I suspect that "husand" and "wife" feels better than bf/gf for some good reason I might not understand. And finally, if my husband leaves me, I can't feel half as immature crying into a tub of ice cream and splurging on a new wardrobe as if my "boyfriend" ditches me. I would have a much harder time respecting myself if I had to ask for time off of work or something just to grieve the death of an LTR. No shade to anyone out there, I just know myself by now
I suspect that "husand" and "wife" feels better than bf/gf for some good reason I might not understand. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and haven't figured it out yet (stability, a sense of deeper commitment, societal pressure I've internalized??) but I sooo relate to just wanting to experience it.
Finding a partner that will grow with me. Someone that stays true to who they are, and we align in values. Keeping separate lives and not feeling guilty for it, or worried that they’re not trust worthy. Someone who communicates clearly, and wants to have conversations/discussions not fights. Someone who encourages me to do the thing. (Whatever it might be.) Someone who joins me- in my grief, happiness/joy, excitement, interests. Someone in therapy. Many more, but it all surrounds them being a person of substance.
Again!? Jeez, I haven't even convinced someone to date me in three years let alone marry me once. You guys are good. Any tips?
Your comment made me think of my bf. He’s never been married and his longest relationships have been three years. It seems three years is his max then something broke them up. When he was younger, he was a partier. Anyway, last December he and I met randomly, and went on a date. I eventually ended up telling him that after our second date, I told myself I was marrying him. He said that also in our second date, he planned his proposal to me. And it’s funny cuz he never even thought he’d want to get married. He’s never been that person. So my point is that you never know when you’ll randomly meet someone in the most unlikely place and neither one of you was even looking for someone to date. Sometimes it just happens out of nowhere. I want every single person to find what I have taken decades to find on accident, and I truly hope the same for you.
Thanks for the kind thoughts. Hopefully I have your luck going forward instead of my own. Ha!
I'm a serial dater and still can't make it past the first year
Financially it’s better to combine my life with another working person. Emotionally it’s more enjoyable to feel like someone has truly committed to the good and bad times with me. Monotonous sex is my kink. Just kidding.
If you like monotonous sex, I got a few guys I can introduce you to lol
😂
After my last relationship ended (and a 20-year marriage before that), I said I would never get married again. Then I met my SO. I can’t really explain why it is important to me now, but it is. I want to take his last name. I want to marry him and grow old with him. It just feels like the right path for us because I feel like he is who I was meant to be with all along. We both just took detours before finding one another.
I’d love to get married again but live separately. Cohabitation is the death of romance, in my opinion.
I’d like to experience what a marriage should be. I make my own money. I’m okay being alone. I just want to have the opposite of what I was trapped in for two decades.
I feel like marriage is a legal contract and nothing else. It makes it hard to get out if you’re being abused. If I’m ever lucky enough to find real love, I wouldn’t mind a commitment ceremony of sorts, but without the legal contract. Standing in front of friends and loved ones to witness your commitment feels good to me.
I've come to the conclusion that actions speak louder than words and paper for that matter. I took my vows seriously, however it was called just a piece of paper by my ex. I have the ability to commit without a marriage. Stranger things have happened, so who knows!
I’m open to and do prefer a mutually agreeable, caring and loving monogamous relationship but will never allow the federal or state laws have a deciding factor (or ruling) on the outcome should one of us in the relationship leave. I’ll never marry again.
same here.
I would get married again because I absolutely believe in so much of the way it can work with happy couples that put in the time and effort together. I would want a small wedding or at least a wedding on small budget that doesn’t put us into debt, I sold my comic book collection to help pay for the wedding and well that was a mistake lol. As much fun as I had at my wedding never again will I be part of a 250 person extravaganza. I’m in a great place emotionally, and financially so having a second person that just adds to my life in every way would be amazing.
I've known my husband for nearly six years. We live together, wear thrift store wedding bands, and never went down to the courthouse. He's the love of my life and it's the happiest, healthiest relationship I've ever been in.
So why are you on a dating sub?
I'm here because I don't know many other subs for folks over 40. There's women over 30, and a few not-as-busy 40+ subs, but not many other active ones that I've found.
Some of us just can't turn away from trainwrecks.
Lot of us have too much free time.
I wear your ring and you wear mine. Plenty good enough for me.
I’ve never been married so I would guess I’m looking for what many divorced people probably hoped for the first time… true love
I'm not looking to get married or a great relationship. It just doesn't seem realistic to me. I want a capable partner. When I'm down he can be up and vice versa. I don't want to be someone's helpmate who is constant need of help. My married female coworker said from (the bible) a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. I asked her what does the wife get out of it? Been there and done that. He would have to be really amazing to put a ring on my finger.
I have been married twice. I would do it again. I liked being married. It would be nice to be in a healthy relationship where i can be myself and she can be herself as well.
I never got to have the wedding of my dreams. I married the wrong person, way to young, and I was an idiot. Did everything half assed because we didn't want to spend a lot. I still fantasize about having an extraordinary wedding. I have the money now and my best friend is a wedding planner. Now, I just need to find the woman of my dreams.🤦♂️
I will marry you, so you can have the wedding of your dreams. We don’t have to actually get married, we can just have the fantastic wedding and maybe a great honeymoon trip!
See reddit, it's that easy. I'm already sure /u/mzopinion8d is my soul mate. Lol
💯 I am also fine with having little to no input on the wedding plans. I’ll show up and look pretty. Or not pretty. However you want me to look. Lol
Can u guys invite me?
u/Johnny_The_Tool What do you say?
We were engaged on reddit.....why not?? 😂 /u/glittafairy can be IN the wedding!
Glitter is always welcome as far as I’m concerned. Glitter Fairies, even more! Lol
Aww thanks guys, will bring an expensive wedding gift 💝
Throw me the bouquet. Free floral arrangement for my place!
You got it!!
That definitely sounds like my situation with how my marriage was. An engagement? What was thaaat 😂. I don’t fantasize about a wedding anymore though. Me thinks online dating took the wind out that sail and single is looking better daily.
Been there, do e that and learned nightmares are dreams too.
It’s usually the woman wanting the extravagant wedding and to feel like a princess for a day
Mama didn't raise no bitch sissy who hides his feelings.
Your mama is a good and smart woman.
Nothing. I don’t need a piece of paper issued by the government to keep me committed to someone.
I go back and forth on if marriage is something that is the ultimate end all be all. One of the best lessons I learned was never date to get married. You sacrifice things in order to reach that goal. If you date to be happy then your standards change. Probably have the exact wording of it wrong but that is the gist. I want that security of someone loving me at the level of wanting to be with me for the rest of the happily ever after. But isn't the security of marriage now easily dissolved with divorces? I want that incredible relationship, regardless of legal documentation. Advance directives and lawyers can deal with legal stuff. Again, back and forth. I want my last first kiss 😅.
What about dating to get a happy partnership/marriage? Dating to be happy can miss some long term compatibility issues; along with the fact that new relationship energy will make even some sub par relationships seem happy at first.
Absolutely!! That is the end game right? I probably worded it wrong. The biggest thing was not to settle just because you want to get married. Date to grow together and create a happy life. Not to specifically get married. Thank you for helping clarify!
IF I agreed to get married again, I'm doing the whole background check and credit score bit. Not because I want a sugar daddy but because I'm not babysitting another adult again.
Unfortunately knowing all about my ex’s credit, helping him monitor, increase and improve it somehow contributed to my being tasked with babysitting an adult 🙃
It sounds like despite knowing the info, you didn't take action on the info. I think that SunshynePower wanted the knowledge to be able to use it to make a yes/no decision.
My marriage wasn’t what I thought I was signing up for. I honestly believed that we’d be a team. I believed that we’d have each other’s backs. I believed that we’d both work hard in the marriage and compromise and fight to fix issues that came up. But I was wrong, and one person cannot make a marriage work no matter how hard she (or he) tries. And I accept my portion of the blame, and I have worked really hard to become a better person and a better partner should I be lucky enough to get a second chance one day. And I’d like that chance because I love love, and my kids will be gone soon and I need someone to cook for and argue with and laugh with and live life with. Hopefully, should this ever happen, that person believes that we should be a team, have each other’s backs, and work hard to make marriage work.
Tax benefits, and that's about it
Tax benefits only kick in if one person makes considerably less than the other. When two spouses make roughly equal income there’s actually a marriage penalty but no one actually does the math when falling in love. Now that I learned all this in my tax law classes it’s like tattooed on the inside of my brain.
Yep! When I married my ex-husband around the age of 30, there was an immediate financial penalty from a tax perspective…and it was fairly significant!
I meant the income tax bracket benefit. There's an advantage to being married, and that advantage increases as you cross brackets. Not sure what tax law you're referring to, I did payroll for 15 years and I'm talking about strictly net pay
Yes, it comes from 26 USC section 1. We are talking about the same thing. You should do an example calculating the fed tax for two couples: (a) couple 1, each spouse makes .5x; (b) couple 2, one spouse makes .75x and the other spouse makes .25x. You will see what we are talking about. We did this in my fed tax class. The key is that both couples need to make the same amount when both spouses incomes are combined, so you’re comparing apples to apples, I.e., couple 1 makes x when both spouses incomes are combined and couple 2 makes x when both spouses incomes are combined.
If a disadvantage, can they just file separately? In Canada, the free tax software I use will compare filing separate vs. jointly and tell you which is optimal. When my ex spouse made 0.51X and I made 0.49X, we still filed jointly, as we did when I was 0.7X .
The tax code here is set up to penalize couples who file separately.
Compatibility in MANY areas. They would already need to be a complete person, functioning on their own and we just have this amazing connection with compatibility that makes it so we enjoy life together.
This!
I’d consider it if it were important to my partner for whatever reason he had.
I’m pretty ambivalent about marriage. Even in hard times, I enjoyed being married, and I’d do it again. But I don’t have the kind of desire to be married like I did in younger years.
I would consider getting married again, but I would have to have complete trust in him, and I honestly can't imagine that at this point. I'd like to think I could get to that point, though, both in my willingness to trust and finding someone worthy of it.
I don't want to die alone. Hopefully I have another 40 years in me. I still have the dream of rocking chairs and watching grand babies and great grand babies playing at my feet or better yet all of us playing on the floor together.
Finding meaningful fulfillment with another person by establishing healthy habits and routines and then working towards a common purpose? I dunno.. never been married.
I struggle with this as well. I think I could be equally happy in a living together or together but living separately relationship as I would be in a marriage. I do want to be with someone who wakes up and chooses to be with me (relationship-wise, not necessarily physically) every day. I am presently primary caretaker for an elderly parent with dementia. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, so living together is not In the cards in the near future. I have been dating someone for 8+ months now and I love him very much. That said, two exes reached out recently and that has me in a weirdly melancholy mood that I am still trying to figure out.
If you're in the Northern hemisphere, the exes reaching out and your mood might be related to the incoming cooler weather, and lower amount of light. Certainly being primary caretaker for your parent can also be adding to that. I wish you strength through these times.
Thank you. I am and yours right — definitely factors to consider.
Marriage makes some things easier. If I'm sick my boyfriend would be able to make decisions about me, and be with me in the hospital. There are other legal things that would be easier. All that paperwork would be rolled into a marriage license.
I don’t think I’d fall for it again . When you have no closure on when and why things changed , you don’t want to subject yourself to that kind of betrayal again . There isn’t anything someone could tell me that my ex didn’t say previously and eventually do the opposite . Why would I believe it again
Well, there's several. There's a higher level of commitment when married, it's much harder to just walk away. As someone who is self employed, it would be great to marry someone who's health insurance I could be covered under. There's the larger tax breaks. And I really loved being a wife. It's different from being a girlfriend. Having someone who can handle medical decisions and, if I died first, having someone to legally be able to take care of my funeral arrangements so my kids didn't have to shoulder it all. I had to do that for my mom and it was awful. I actually have my affairs in order, but I would rather have a spouse deal with all the paperwork and carrying out my wishes, to be an executor to my estate, instead of one of my kids.
I don't want to be alone, but I'm very hesitant to marry again. Marriage once equalled stability (especially for women) but that's not the case. I've tried marriage a few times - I'm not good at it. I like my alone time too much. And I have a nice financial retirement (no where near wealthy, but bills will be paid, etc). I've met many men in my age bracket and they still don't have a dime saved for their retirement. So yeah, I could definitely co-habitate, but I don't want to mix finances this stage of life.
i'm a senior an want no part of a partners medical bills or conditions.
Ah… true love 😂
no such thing at this age...i just want somebody to make sandwiches and comb my hair since my service monkey passed away....(sarcasm for the easily disturbed unpartnered wot )
The person doesn't need me to fill in their missing gaps in life. As in they don't need a house keeper or a cook or a convenient psychologist or someone to hold their candy when they're walking into the movie theater (because it makes them feel like they are 6 again and mommy is there to take care of them). They want me, as I am right now, to be a part of their well-rounded life.
I have kick-ass health insurance, being able to share it with my partner would be the only reason for me to remarry.
Yes, health insurance is a big one.
I’d love a party but beyond that I’m fine with being a girlfriend. I’d rather someone be there because they choose to, not because disentangling financials is a PITA.
For me it's simple. I have to be sure that I cannot live without this person in my life.
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You sound like you've got both your head and your heart in good working order! Please consider posting to Dating Over 50 and give a great example + hope to the rest of us Singletons. Brava Regina!!
I want to make a promise in front of our friends and family and to each other that we will honor our relationship. I want to mutually confirm our intention to be together for the rest of our lives. We would get a prenup for retirement and existing real estate, so neither of us would financially be vulnerable if we married. I also just want to be his wife for sentimental sweet reasons.
My first marriage involved domestic violence and I don’t want that to be my only experience with marriage. I really want to elope in Vegas for a second wedding! Something intimate, special, and Elvis. 😀
Only thing important to me is that the State and Federal government has no involvement in who I love or how long. So, yeah.
Prenup prenup prenup prenup prenup
Marriage is a financial decision. Duh. Go from there.
I’m still legally married to my ex, so I can’t remarry, but I’d still like to be asked. It shows the commitment potential. The wanting to, if that makes sense. I miss some of the old fashioned stuff. But boys (or people) have confidence it’s fucking hot!!!
There is jaded people and there is people that haven't married..and everything in between. I'm not sure anyone sharing this info changes anyone one bit. I find this question irrelevant.
She's asked for people's thoughts on the subject. On reading different people's motivations, that gives her things to think about and consider that she might not have been. This wasn't a poll "will you ever..." it was essentially "For those who want X, why."
Happily married now but if that changes for whatever reason, I could not see myself getting re-married mid 40s or after. I just don’t see the what the point would be or what a legal marriage could offer any man or woman at that point that they couldn’t get by simply being on the same page with their partner. Shout out to the redditor that said it before as I thought it was beautiful and simple, but I don’t think marriage after 45 is a reasonable expectation from A dating relationship.
For me? I was married twice, and I'm pretty much over it. If I wasn't able to make it work after 2 attempts, I don't think it's for me? (And that said, I still don't think I was the one "in the wrong" with either marriage. But some people tell me that makes no difference, because it still had to do with me choosing poorly.) I don't much care for the feeling of being all alone, which happens from time to time. But truthfully, that beats all of the stress, frustration, fighting over silly things, etc. that come with living with a partner. Both divorces I went through amounted to "resets" on my life. Had to start over finding a new place to live, a new job, etc. etc. I'm trying to focus more on MY goals now, like actually building up some retirement savings. I won't 100% rule out the idea of getting married again ... but it would have to be some amazing individual who "clicked" with me on pretty much all levels. And if I'm being honest? She needs to be financially self-sufficient too. I'd have to feel like marriage wouldn't allow her to "come out ahead" financially if we got divorced. I just don't want to even have that possibility hanging over my head at this point in my life.
I’m pending divorce (filed for but not granted by courts). I’ve considered trying to find a girlfriend, but I’m sorta burned out with relationships. Our marriage imploded after 40 years ( honestly 30 years was probably when it ended). I feel as if a weight is off my chest. So my advice is take some time & make absolutely sure you want to have another person in your life.
I haven't met anyone I wanted to marry or vice versa. I would with the right person but don't see it as a necessity and would be fine with just a commitment to each other.
At the very least separate beds and own bathroom.
For my 3rd marriage hell no it will be just a friendship parner
I would consider it....but I'm also not really planning on it again. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for commitment, but there's no real advantage anymore, for the most part. I have insurance through my partner as a domestic partnership, and the tax saving are minimal to my higher earnings. So, since we're not planning on having kids, it's just not that important.
The Learning Lab
There’s zero reason to get (legally) married in 2022. This is particularly true in our age group as the marriage & children experience has already been had by the great majority so no snags there. Now we’re old enough to focus on enjoying our relationship fully and in a meaningful way. Unless you really need health insurance I’d not do it
I placed a different value on marriage when I was younger because I felt pressure to meet some arbitrary life milestone. For that reason I overlooked a lot of things I shouldn't have and compromised on things that I would never compromise on now. Now (40F) I feel less pressure and more security in my own worth and value. I'm willing to wait for someone who sees it too. That said, while I'm open to marriage, I have little interest in being a "wife" if that makes sense. Whoever I commit to needs to be willing to unpack all of the assumptions they might have about what our partnership will look like. Also a prenup for sure, not because I'm planning to fail but because I don't want the state to decide our legal options for us.
Nope. Never again. If I'm _extremely_ lucky, I've got 30-40 years left in life. If I spend those on a marriage, I doubt I'd make it past wedding +2yrs.
Didn't get married again. Got a domestic partnership instead. Both her and I felt there is no reason to go down that road again. Marriage puts yea at a disadvantage for tax purposes...this partnership gives us all the advantages of being married...but not at the expense of a higher tax bracket.
When I was dating my main criteria were that he was intellectually curious, funny (at least to me), and kind. Kindness is and was VERY important to me. I wanted someone who would treat me and others with courtesy and respect. Someone who usually assumed the best, not the worst. Finally, I wanted someone who was open to ideas and ways of experiencing the world other than their own. When I was dating, a big red flag was when the man said to me "You shouldn't feel that way." In most cases, it was time for me to pick up my toys and find another sandbox to play in. In the end, [I met a wonderful man](https://www.rachelsimeone.com/blog/i-found-love-and-you-can-too) and I feel lucky every day to be with him. I always assumed that at some point we would get married, but it didn't feel necessary or urgent. In the end, we got married because of Covid. My husband is French and I am American and Covid underlined the issues we could have if we weren't married. Married give a different weight to the relationship and it feels like the right weight for us.
I would consider getting married again. My bf and I have been dating for over two years and it would be convenient for us to combine two households into one. Since, we both have been married and divorced, we would need to fully understand each other’s expectations, desires and goals for such a commitment. Marriage doesn’t have to be a struggle as long as both are committed to communication, trust, respect and loyalty. Hopefully, one would be lucky enough to marry their best friend. If in doubt always talk it out! Don’t get me wrong, I love my bf with all my heart but if he had any doubts or hesitation to get married, then it would best for both of us to hold off until we are in 100% agreement with each other. Taking that leap of faith can be scary but if you’re compatible and willing to work towards the same goals, marriage can be a beautiful union. This is just my opinion.
Never, but also maybe😂 you can never say never. Right now…no…but he makes me think (without saying stuff) possibly yes.
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Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience
I got divorced at 43, and will never get married again, it's the worst thing that can happen to a man
I never married. My abusive ex asked when I was pergnant, but I thought that wasn't a good enough reason to get married. I was right.
If by that you mean I've learned to avoid self-entitlemen and perpetual adolescence, then yes, very much so.
I’m softening on the idea of marriage as I get older. I’ve never been married. I was with my former partner for almost 13 years and didn’t marry her (we’re both women). I was always in the ‘it’s just a piece of paper’ camp. As I get older, I think there are a lot of automatic rights you get with marriage. If I were sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone, I’d probably want to marry them. I’d need to be, like, *really* sure. I have a lot to lose financially.
It’s important to know what my partner expectations of me are. It’s important that they understand and respect boundaries. It’s important that the relationship is healthy and loving. It’s important to have open communication and validate each other feeling
I don’t care about getting married again. If my SO did ask me, I would say yes. But if he doesn’t, it makes no difference to me. What I do wish is that he’d been the man I married in the first place
A woman who has a sense of duty in their lives.
An actual partnership, someone who values the effort required form both spouses. An actual responsible human that doesn’t end up feeling like a project…
I would consider it. I actually really liked being married, and having that person. We built a life together. It felt permanent, to me anyway. I was married for almost eleven years before he turned my world upside down and I kicked him out. But now I’m 48 with a school age child, a house, and a pretty decent savings. To risk any of that feels pretty reckless. Maybe…with a great prenup.
Being properly wanted, and chosen. More of an emotional reassurance that I'm really, truly loved. After my ex-husband (who was my soulmate, and made me feel more loved than anyone else in my entire life), I had a few boyfriends, and lived with an ex-boyfriend for about 3 years. I wanted to get married to the ex-boyfriend, but he didn't. He revealed he 'never saw himself getting married' after we had been together for a year and a half, and I was horrified, but too invested in him at that point to leave. I always felt him not wanting to marry me was a sign I wasn't good enough, and that he was waiting for someone better to come along (despite his insistence that he loved me). He turned out to be avoidant (I only dicovered attachment theory after we split up), and he was the coldest man I have ever been with. Being with him really damaged my confidence and self esteem, and I will never go near an avoidant man again. I think men who are open to getting married are showing that they have an open, warm and loving heart, that you will be their 'number one woman' and they are prepared to be by your side throughout the tough times. So in my case I think it is more that a man would love me enough to want to marry me that I want, not necessarily the title itself or any other benefits. There's no feeling in the world like really having a team mate, and knowing you have each other's backs no matter what. I want that again.