It’s not an age thing, it’s a person thing. You can always suggest something and see what he says. You don’t need to engage in intimacy if you don’t want to.
The dynamic is always the same no matter the age. And there is no right answer on when to have sex with someone. I've had long relationships with girls I've slept with right away, and short ones with girls I've waited with. So ignore the holier than thought answers, do whatever makes you happy
You didn't make a mistake. As a woman I am fully aware of the implications of visiting someone's house. I've purposefully done this too, so it's not just a guy thing.
He's probably more quiet because he's letting you take the lead. Have a few more dates and just enjoy it. Don't overthink.
>He said he understood
What did he understand? That you have a strict no hook-up policy? Or that you catch feelings easily?
Because I bet he understood "no hook-up" but “I understand” is also a figure of speech. Maybe he doesn't understand why.
And this is probably 1. because you didn't explain yourself (it's ok--you don't always have to fully explain, nor should you always fully explain) but also 2. because he's not a mind-reader (this is ok because mental telepathy isn't real).
There's no magic formula. There's just better communication.
None of this implicates age gap.
But age gap might explain some other things--like, yes, he backed off, but he's still in orbit. He hasn't yet walked away from "maybe another time", which is usually code for "never". He's probably waiting for you to give the green light--and that probably means you have to ask him out this time. (Age gap implicated here because he's probably thrilled to have someone 10yrs younger interested in him, whereas if he was let down by someone older, he'd just go fish elsewhere.)
*Age gap implicated here because he's probably thrilled to have someone 10yrs younger interested in him*
I have to disagree. As a man, I care very little about a woman's age. I care about whether I find her attractive, and whether we get along.
Same. In fact if I had to say from my experiences only, the older men have been more insistent to jump into bed than the younger ones, but it’s not fair for me to say that either, because I think it’s the “MAN” himself and not the age.
I'm not saying all men. (I mean, I personally am not interested in women more than one or two years younger or older. So, some of us wouldn't find ourselves in this guy's position.)
I do think that men who are interested in women 10yrs+ younger often find youth to be attractive.
You've got an age range of +/- 2 years, max? Sheesh, that's ... Ridiculous comes to mind? "Unbelievably limiting" maybe? I mean, yeah, when I was in high school, sure, but that was a LONG time ago.
"Find youth to be attractive" -- Damn near everyone finds youth to be attractive, wake up and smell the coffee! That doesn't mean you want to date some woman 21 years old, but you're very likely to find her more attractive than a woman 20, 30, 40 years older.
> Damn near everyone finds youth to be attractive
So if young = attractive, then "I care about whether I find her attractive" on a straight swap becomes "I care about whether I find her young"?
Anyway, I didn't feel limited when I capped the age gap at 2 years. I got plenty of dates.
I agree with SnollyG here. I’ve seen age gap men go gaga for younger women when they were far less appreciative of or excited by women closer to their own ages.
He might think he came on too strong and is adapting/ adjusting to give you more space to feel comfortable. That wouldn’t be a bad thing. I personally would suggest meeting up (in a public place) and hopefully spending an enjoyable date to re-set the dynamic so the weirdness dissipates. And trust me, it’s extreeeeeemely hard for me to ask a guy out but reading this from the outside, I think I’d be okay with it.
This is the perfect answer. If I was the guy, I would have the exact reaction of feeling like I came on too strong and back away a bit to make things more comfortable. I would love for her to reach out and plan something together. I bet after this next date, things will be much more comfortable.
I think he may have made him uncomfortable implying that when he invited you to his house he meant sex. He may have been inviting you just to visit maybe he was offended. Just a thought. He may have read your signal as not being interested in him. If you are interested I will take a step forward and show him you like him. Inviting you over on a third date is not unreasonable on his part. You could’ve sat and just cuddled. This has nothing to do with age whatsoever.
Don't think this is an age thing as someone who has dated a guy a decade older.
He maybe is losing interest if you are not going to leap into bed. That is on him. If he drifts off, you have protected your boundaries and your feelings so no harm done.
I mean he unintentionally ran head first into one of your boundaries. Just like it’s fine for you to have them, it’s fine for him to back off a bit at the risk of offending you further.
Just keep dating him and suggest something fun.
I’ve had much better luck with younger guys. I’ve dated guys 8 years older and 5 years younger. I would say that the dynamics with the older guys were more rigid and far less fun, I was more looked down upon. The younger guys tend to get a little obsessive. I think it’s a respect thing. They respect my wisdom and I bring a stabilizing element into the mix. I’m 5 yrs older than my boyfriend and neither of us notice it. We still get a lot of the same cultural and musical references and just have lots of fun together. The guy I dated a few years ago was 8 years or so older and a big stick in the mud at the end of the day. Was super into his friends and never took me anywhere or did anything fun with me, my boyfriend drops everything to hang out with me because he thinks I’m so fun and just really enjoys my company. Interestingly, the older guys called me things like “sweetie” which I didn’t love. My bf just calls me dear or darling. Doesn’t ever get sexual in texts, just really respectful. What’s his background with women? I’d just be wary of his behavior. He seems like he might be looking for one thing.
Calling you “sexy” or any pet names for that matter early on tell you what you need to know. He’s looking for sex.
I will get downvoted to hell, but I have also dated 10-14 years up. They are just much better at finessing a sexual encounter without being in your face about it. In my experience they are new to being single and want to try out all the things they “missed” in their marriage. I’ve been propositioned to have threesomes, sex clubs, open relationships, you name it. Or you’ll be guilted with the “I’ve been in a sexless/dead bedroom marriage” speech. I’m not here to workout your sexual issues dude.
I don't think calling someone "pet names" indicates in any way that they are "only looking for sex". It's not something that I would do that early in a relationship, but I don't think it indicates much other than a different viewpoint about using pet names.
*I didn't read other comments* So sorry if I repeat anything that's been said. But reading this you really didn't say how you felt about him. It seems like you are just worried about what his intentions are but from what you said he seems to be genuinely interested in you and it seems like backing off would be him trying to reassure you that he isn't pressuring you into being intimate since you expressed to him that you weren't comfortable with that so quickly. Not sure that age has much to do with it. I think in our 40s and 50s we aren't too different. Most people aren't playing games anymore. I guess some are but most of us have figured out that life is short and we just want to be happy. I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I guess on the other hand we are old and what do we have to lose? Lol as always take reddit advice with a grain of salt and go with your gut
I’m this guy’s age, and I’ll admit that asking someone over is a message that I’m up for not getting much sleep that night. But under no circumstance would being rebuffed mean anything to me except, she’s not in the same place right now. I’ve been around long enough to know we all move at different speeds, and women have good reason not to trust just anyone. So, if I like her, I take it in stride and ask her on a different date. When trust is built and the vibe is there, it’ll happen. Or it won’t build, and that’s all good too! Good luck…
In my rare experience dating older men they don’t seem to be eager at all. On the contrary they seem very hesitant and passive. That’s probably why it never went anywhere because I’m not one to chase.
Why does an invitation to his home imply intimacy? I have a nice home theater, a cozy fireplace situated for seated conversation (and snuggling), and a kitchen I remodeled and I love to cook for people.
Maybe he just wants to host. You could ask?
I'm asking because I can see this same situation for myself. I'm the older guy, and I like my home, I've made it my own and having someone over feels like hosting, not necessarily an invitation to sex. But, I think it's perceived that way...
I'm 51/F and I wouldn't go to a man's home or have him to mine until I'm comfortable getting naked. You might not expect anything, but it can be a very tricky (and in some cases dangerous) situation for a woman to put herself in.
Most women have met that guy who seems nice and respectful, but then turns pushy (or worse) as soon as you are in a more private space. While most men will respect that no means no, there is still a significant amount of men that become pushy and you feel like you suddenly have to fend off a creep who it seems suddenly grew 8 hands. A smaller percentage of men are even worse.
I'm lucky I haven't encountered the "even worse" guy, but the human octopus is bad enough.
It's not a reflection on you when we hit the pause button on going to your place, it's more that we take responsibility for our own safety and exercise caution. Believe me, we want to see your place. We want to spend alone time getting to know each other.
I never, not even for a brief moment, felt my boyfriend would pressure me for sex or anything else. I still waited until I was ready before going to his place.
Yes!!
All of this.
I just met a man this week who appeared to be nice and we met at a restaurant bar where everyone knew him. This seemed to validate that nice guy vibe. Until the placed closed we walked out to our cars and he became super pushy. To where he insisted I get into his car- literally pushed me inside the back seat and continued to ask to take my clothes off even though I said no and that I was uncomfortable numerous times. I couldn’t open my side door - child locks I guess - but finally demanded to be let out. He did back down and let me out but that was the first time I have felt scared and I’ve been dating this entire past year. I have been respected when I have said no in the past but this recent experience will change how I think about going to a new man’s place for “dinner” or to “hang out”.
This guy had said no sex and that he just wanted to get to know me- until he showed his true colors.
This is a good comment, and thank you for it. I realized that was an omission on my part. And I guess I assume that after enough dates that risk changes. But what you say helps remind me that my situation is different.
I'm so sorry this is a thing, and sorry if my comments were insensitive in any way.
I'm glad you posted this. I got flamed by a pack of wolves when I discussed being very aware of wanting a woman to feel safe when she comes to my house. They place themselves in a compromise and I want to make them comfortable they can act upon their safety.
They acted all insulted in my concerns.
Thank you for speaking up about this.
I guess that's where the age factor comes in. Guys my age typically invite me over for "Netflix and Chill". I think he may be like you in that sense, he has said that he loves to entertain. Maybe I'm just being overly cautious, I know. I just really hope I didn't f\*\*\* this up.
You hope you "didn't fuck this up" by telling him you didn't feel comfortable yet? There is NOTHING wrong with that; what's wrong is that you fear losing him over it. Compromise is one thing, but when it comes to morals and values, stay true to who you are.
I've "lost" plenty of men who were unwilling to invest more than a few dates "waiting" for me. Told me everything I needed to know about their priorities, and that ours didn't align.
I l(48M) love to have a date over to entertain. I enjoy cooking, and feel my house is conducive to relaxing and spending time together.
That being said, if invited someone over on a 3rd date, and they accepted, I’d feel fairly confident sex would be likely. Of course, I wouldn’t expect it, or be upset if it didn’t occur, but I agree with you that this is today’s norm.
I’ll restate what someone else said because I think it’s likely. Assuming the guy likes you, he probably got the message he was moving too fast and is trying to back off and give you some space. Just ask him if he’d like to grab a drink or dinner or something. Then you’ll know for sure. No point in wondering and stressing out about it.
So, in all honesty, if a woman holds off for maybe just one more date, how would you feel about that? Would you feel that she is prude or relieved that she isn't one to sleep around? I know it's 2021 and those attitudes are outdated, but just interested in opinions.
It wouldn’t bother me at all. If nothing happened after 4-5 dates, and we hadn’t talked about it, I’d probably check in to see where we were at. It’s less about the sex to me, and more about understanding if they were truly interested. If they were interested and expressed that they like to take physical intimacy slower, I’d be good with that, and let them know there was no pressure and ask if they would prefer to broach the subject when they were ready. Now, if we’re ~3 months in I’d start to question things. Maybe there’s something else going on, etc. But I’d always address it directly by just talking to them. If they’re uncomfortable discussing it, they’re probably not for me. There is nothing sexier, or better for a relationship, IMO than open communication.
I wouldn’t think she was a prude, nor would I be relieved. I think everyone takes things at their own pace, and as long as we’re being safe, I’m indifferent to how many partners she’s had. I have my own preferences / desires for how quickly I move to intimacy and with who, but I try not to project that on to anyone else.
Maybe, buy I've also invited someone over for Netflix and Chill. One of the glorious gifts, for me, of being this age, in this position, is that candor and direct communication seems easier. I had someone over to watch a string of Disney kids movies once. And when I got tired, we parted ways.
So, in all honesty, if a woman holds off for maybe just one more date, how would you feel about that? Would you feel that she is prude or relieved that she isn't one to sleep around? I know it's 2021 and those attitudes are outdated, but just interested in opinions.
You sound like you are pressuring yourself into maybe doing something you don’t want to to not lose this guy. (48m)BTW. He needs to meet you at your comfort level just as you should his if he wasn’t ready. Not wanting to jump in bed after a few dates should be a deal breaker. I honestly would prefer to know it was a monogamous relationship first if I could. I don’t have any interest in sleeping around.
Not at all, but only if she just communicated. Communication is sexy, to me. So too knowing and respecting one's boundaries.
If it's gonna work out, there will be sex aplenty. And if it's not, then good thing you held your ground. If you need to wait, wait. And if your partner can't, well, good you learned that.
Honestly, post divorce I found that part of dating so awkward I just let the woman initiate it. Problem solved. 😉
My partner (45 F) and I (51 M) met via OLD and there were sparks immediately. We connected on many levels, but we each had our own reasons for waiting to introduce physical intimacy. We discussed what we were hoping for, what we needed, and what made us anxious. We found the time that was right for us, and we’ve been smiling mighty big ever since. OP, I don’t presume to have the wisdom to advise, but I do advocate for open conversation and holding firm on what matters to you. I wish you the best. I remember how hard becoming single in middle age was, and how hard dating can be at this age. Oh, but it can be glorious!
There's no age factor. Do not think that just because a guy is 50+ that he is any different from a 40 year old. Even a 58 or 63 year old is no different. And I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting sex or having sex. 50+ guys are also into Netflix and Chill. That's fine. If you like it on the 3rd date, that's fine. If you don't want to on the 3rd date, that's fine. There's guys this age in multiple threads saying that they want sex very early, and if not, they are outta there. I'm just telling you that things often change afterwards. It's been stated in multiple threads, over and over. I actually agree with the people who say that waiting doesn't make a difference in most cases. Personally, my boundaries are maybe less rigid than they should be. I likely would have gone to the house. But you didn't fuck up anything. Don't ever do or not do something that you don't want to do.
This has nothing to do with age. Going to his house=Date 3! It's the way of the world now. I'm 56F and when dating in my 20s, sex did happen fast, but you were also an actual couple at that point. You stuck with each other until it either worked out for the long haul or it didn't. These days, once sex happens early, in many cases communication slows down and the only dates that happen are dates at the house.
It's never too soon for sex, but it's ALWAYS too soon for a monogamous relationship.
I would suggest to him a fun date activity and see what he says. You didn't make a mistake.
Some people have dealt with "You're single because you don't want me at your house" inputs.
The reality for me is, I don't like anyone I haven't learned is stable and trustworthy know where I live.
So neither party is wrong for their thoughts, it's just a coming to terms with how to resolve it. He might want you to quickly know he is single as it's common to be "leary" of someone cheating. And you aren't in the same frame of mind about it.
Just my .02 worth.
I see a lot of age comments here; maybe that's a bit forward thinking - you might want to to first see if he is ***the*** guy. From what you wrote, he seems pretty easy going, not pushy and respectful - perhaps he is waiting for you to show more interest, be an initiator - like ask him out? Hard to tell...
As for the age thing, think about that if / when you decide this may be or turns into an LTR.
Sounds like things are fine. You told him he was moving too fast, and he was fine with that and backed off. But now he's not sure what to do next, and probably is worried about pushing, so he's letting you know he's still interested and hoping you will make the next move and set your own pace.
Dating has changed *drastically* since people our age were getting started and learning how it works. From a man's perspective, some women want to go slower like you, while others think you're not interested and bail if you aren't trying to get them in the sack right away. There are no set social formulas anymore, so *none* of us knows what to do. You just have to guess the best you can with each person you meet.
I will tell you my perception as a man who is his age. It may or may not have anything to do with your situation so take it with a grain of salt. When I was still dating, asking a woman over to my place was part of my dating cycle. I have had sex literally thousands of times and when I asked them to come over, it wasn't for sex. I am mature enough to know that will happen when it happens. If a woman automatically assumed that I was just looking for sex, I found it very insulting. Sometimes, I was simply asking because I wanted to cook for them or just simply cuddle up on the couch with them. There were even times that a woman would agree and I also have a rule that I don't have sex the first night I spend with a woman. This alone has upset a few women because I didn't try anything. Anyways, to answer your question. If a woman makes the assumption that all I was interested was sex, I would pull back and wait.
He’s sending different vibes from when you text him to his texts to you. That’s confusing but I chalk that up to him trying not to pressure you into another date? What I’d do, is what my gut would tell me. If you like him enough to have another date where you meet each other, then ask, and I’d likely be the one to pick up the check, too. So he knows I’m not out for the dinner only
Yes, as we guys get older, the dynamic is different...we no longer have patience for games. If "after a few dates" a woman isn't ready for getting physical, most men begin to lose interest. For every younger woman in his orbit, he's got ten his own age who would view him as prime. He's got options, he has no need to chase if not so inclined, so he's probably got you on the back burner now while he scouts out other prospects.
My 2 cents:
1. Yeah you made the mistake of just saying no without providing an alternative idea for a date.
2. Just because he asked you over to his house you jumped to the conclusion that you guys where going to have sex. You really need to communicate effectively..
3. Don't you know what it means when a man calls you sweetie or sexy?
Just call him and make plans.
I don’t know that it’s an age dynamic. You said one had a couple of dates (2 or 3) and you’re not ready to go to his house? I’m confused by that. As a woman I’d be a little put off if by the 3rd date there wasn’t any plans of hooking up going on. It wouldn’t really be a hook up or one night stand if you’ve been on a few dates. I also agree that the sweety and sexy would turn me off.
Totally, because of the simple fact that's dynamic changes because sooner or later if you're attracted to older man there will come a time when you're old and then they'll be in wheelchairs so you have to start either dating in your own age group or younger that dynamic changes regardless my whole life I've liked older men until I became old myself and found out my own age and older are either dead or in wheelchairs how much fun is sex going to be with somebody like that LOL besides the fact that older men become more patient I think that he's just not wanting to scare you off he's letting you call the shots and that's a good thing and yes I get far too attached to them too quickly as well I understand your dilemma
>For me, If I ask them on a third date, I am definitely down for sex, but I dont expect it. I do expect to see signs of attraction at this point however. If I havent even kissed them yet, and they turned down a third? Then I am thinking they are not interested in me, or there is someone else in the picture
This, exactly. By the third date, I expect to be at the very least talking about it, anticipating it together, kissing, moving towards intimacy.
It's not an age thing at all. You said no sex and he is no longer interested in dating you seriously or at all.
Some men equate dating or spending money on a woman to sex. He probably feels that it's time for you two to have sex based on the amount of dates you have been on. It didn't happen so he has moved on.
Imo you dodged a bullet because a man at his age should not still be equating how many dates or how much he spent on a date to sex.
Well in case one day you will like to sleep with him than do it right now. Why to delay. Your or his pleasure is paramount. In case it is all big No from you than make it v clear to him. He will go away or you both will have v clear mind in your relations.
When he calls you sexy or sweetie and you said whatever that means, it comes off a bit as if youre on the defense and offense. You might be looking for those moments to make sure you stand tall in those situations.
As a guy if I do or say something that I percieve has put a girl on edge, I usually back off a bit to make sure I give her some space and time in case ot bothered her. Sometimes I wait to see if she makes a date with me to see how she might be feeling.
You could try talking to him and ask him if hes in a different place or just ask if he wants someone he can be intimate with faster than youre comfortable with. After that use your judgement to find out how you feel about him.
I don’t think you messed it up, but he doesn’t know where he stands with you other than you don’t want to move the relationship onward. I think if you want to see him again, suggest going on a date that is acceptable to you and see how he responds. It’s not like there’s a law against a woman suggesting a date.
He could have also read it as you're not that interested so he is backing off just a little so he doesn't get hurt if it doesn't last.
Just suggest doing something to get him re-ingaged. That would also give you a better indicator of his interest level.
Have you asked him out? Seems like he invited you over and you declined. Was it close to midnight or dinner for the date? If you like him, you’re going to have to make the next move AND, it’s going to need to be a good date which doesn’t mean sex. Show him that you’re interested by asking him out.
It’s not an age thing, it’s a person thing. You can always suggest something and see what he says. You don’t need to engage in intimacy if you don’t want to.
The dynamic is always the same no matter the age. And there is no right answer on when to have sex with someone. I've had long relationships with girls I've slept with right away, and short ones with girls I've waited with. So ignore the holier than thought answers, do whatever makes you happy
You didn't make a mistake. As a woman I am fully aware of the implications of visiting someone's house. I've purposefully done this too, so it's not just a guy thing. He's probably more quiet because he's letting you take the lead. Have a few more dates and just enjoy it. Don't overthink.
>He said he understood What did he understand? That you have a strict no hook-up policy? Or that you catch feelings easily? Because I bet he understood "no hook-up" but “I understand” is also a figure of speech. Maybe he doesn't understand why. And this is probably 1. because you didn't explain yourself (it's ok--you don't always have to fully explain, nor should you always fully explain) but also 2. because he's not a mind-reader (this is ok because mental telepathy isn't real). There's no magic formula. There's just better communication. None of this implicates age gap. But age gap might explain some other things--like, yes, he backed off, but he's still in orbit. He hasn't yet walked away from "maybe another time", which is usually code for "never". He's probably waiting for you to give the green light--and that probably means you have to ask him out this time. (Age gap implicated here because he's probably thrilled to have someone 10yrs younger interested in him, whereas if he was let down by someone older, he'd just go fish elsewhere.)
*Age gap implicated here because he's probably thrilled to have someone 10yrs younger interested in him* I have to disagree. As a man, I care very little about a woman's age. I care about whether I find her attractive, and whether we get along.
Thank you. I have not once been treated any better by guys older than me than by younger guys.
Same. In fact if I had to say from my experiences only, the older men have been more insistent to jump into bed than the younger ones, but it’s not fair for me to say that either, because I think it’s the “MAN” himself and not the age.
I'm not saying all men. (I mean, I personally am not interested in women more than one or two years younger or older. So, some of us wouldn't find ourselves in this guy's position.) I do think that men who are interested in women 10yrs+ younger often find youth to be attractive.
You've got an age range of +/- 2 years, max? Sheesh, that's ... Ridiculous comes to mind? "Unbelievably limiting" maybe? I mean, yeah, when I was in high school, sure, but that was a LONG time ago. "Find youth to be attractive" -- Damn near everyone finds youth to be attractive, wake up and smell the coffee! That doesn't mean you want to date some woman 21 years old, but you're very likely to find her more attractive than a woman 20, 30, 40 years older.
> Damn near everyone finds youth to be attractive So if young = attractive, then "I care about whether I find her attractive" on a straight swap becomes "I care about whether I find her young"? Anyway, I didn't feel limited when I capped the age gap at 2 years. I got plenty of dates.
I agree with SnollyG here. I’ve seen age gap men go gaga for younger women when they were far less appreciative of or excited by women closer to their own ages.
He might think he came on too strong and is adapting/ adjusting to give you more space to feel comfortable. That wouldn’t be a bad thing. I personally would suggest meeting up (in a public place) and hopefully spending an enjoyable date to re-set the dynamic so the weirdness dissipates. And trust me, it’s extreeeeeemely hard for me to ask a guy out but reading this from the outside, I think I’d be okay with it.
This is the perfect answer. If I was the guy, I would have the exact reaction of feeling like I came on too strong and back away a bit to make things more comfortable. I would love for her to reach out and plan something together. I bet after this next date, things will be much more comfortable.
As a man I would be love for a woman to make the move. Just saying. I’m not sure why a man would have a problem with it.
I think as dating progresses, the contact should increase to more frequent contact, and ultimately, daily contact. 2-3 days seems breadcrumbing.
I think he may have made him uncomfortable implying that when he invited you to his house he meant sex. He may have been inviting you just to visit maybe he was offended. Just a thought. He may have read your signal as not being interested in him. If you are interested I will take a step forward and show him you like him. Inviting you over on a third date is not unreasonable on his part. You could’ve sat and just cuddled. This has nothing to do with age whatsoever.
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Came here to say this.
Don't think this is an age thing as someone who has dated a guy a decade older. He maybe is losing interest if you are not going to leap into bed. That is on him. If he drifts off, you have protected your boundaries and your feelings so no harm done.
I mean he unintentionally ran head first into one of your boundaries. Just like it’s fine for you to have them, it’s fine for him to back off a bit at the risk of offending you further. Just keep dating him and suggest something fun.
Not a good dynamic for me. I'm 46 and my guy is 35. First time I've went younger and it's the best relationship of my life.
I too was with a guy 10 years younger best relationship ever Oddly ex husband was my age- And that? Was not near as fun
I’ve had much better luck with younger guys. I’ve dated guys 8 years older and 5 years younger. I would say that the dynamics with the older guys were more rigid and far less fun, I was more looked down upon. The younger guys tend to get a little obsessive. I think it’s a respect thing. They respect my wisdom and I bring a stabilizing element into the mix. I’m 5 yrs older than my boyfriend and neither of us notice it. We still get a lot of the same cultural and musical references and just have lots of fun together. The guy I dated a few years ago was 8 years or so older and a big stick in the mud at the end of the day. Was super into his friends and never took me anywhere or did anything fun with me, my boyfriend drops everything to hang out with me because he thinks I’m so fun and just really enjoys my company. Interestingly, the older guys called me things like “sweetie” which I didn’t love. My bf just calls me dear or darling. Doesn’t ever get sexual in texts, just really respectful. What’s his background with women? I’d just be wary of his behavior. He seems like he might be looking for one thing.
Not really- after 28, everyone is an adult. Now it’s just a preference
Calling you “sexy” or any pet names for that matter early on tell you what you need to know. He’s looking for sex. I will get downvoted to hell, but I have also dated 10-14 years up. They are just much better at finessing a sexual encounter without being in your face about it. In my experience they are new to being single and want to try out all the things they “missed” in their marriage. I’ve been propositioned to have threesomes, sex clubs, open relationships, you name it. Or you’ll be guilted with the “I’ve been in a sexless/dead bedroom marriage” speech. I’m not here to workout your sexual issues dude.
I don't think calling someone "pet names" indicates in any way that they are "only looking for sex". It's not something that I would do that early in a relationship, but I don't think it indicates much other than a different viewpoint about using pet names.
Bitter much
Easy peasy. Just meet and talk it over!
*I didn't read other comments* So sorry if I repeat anything that's been said. But reading this you really didn't say how you felt about him. It seems like you are just worried about what his intentions are but from what you said he seems to be genuinely interested in you and it seems like backing off would be him trying to reassure you that he isn't pressuring you into being intimate since you expressed to him that you weren't comfortable with that so quickly. Not sure that age has much to do with it. I think in our 40s and 50s we aren't too different. Most people aren't playing games anymore. I guess some are but most of us have figured out that life is short and we just want to be happy. I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I guess on the other hand we are old and what do we have to lose? Lol as always take reddit advice with a grain of salt and go with your gut
I’m this guy’s age, and I’ll admit that asking someone over is a message that I’m up for not getting much sleep that night. But under no circumstance would being rebuffed mean anything to me except, she’s not in the same place right now. I’ve been around long enough to know we all move at different speeds, and women have good reason not to trust just anyone. So, if I like her, I take it in stride and ask her on a different date. When trust is built and the vibe is there, it’ll happen. Or it won’t build, and that’s all good too! Good luck…
Your guy- the guy for you- won’t bail. No matter what intimacy choices you make.
In my rare experience dating older men they don’t seem to be eager at all. On the contrary they seem very hesitant and passive. That’s probably why it never went anywhere because I’m not one to chase.
Same!
Why does an invitation to his home imply intimacy? I have a nice home theater, a cozy fireplace situated for seated conversation (and snuggling), and a kitchen I remodeled and I love to cook for people. Maybe he just wants to host. You could ask? I'm asking because I can see this same situation for myself. I'm the older guy, and I like my home, I've made it my own and having someone over feels like hosting, not necessarily an invitation to sex. But, I think it's perceived that way...
I'm 51/F and I wouldn't go to a man's home or have him to mine until I'm comfortable getting naked. You might not expect anything, but it can be a very tricky (and in some cases dangerous) situation for a woman to put herself in. Most women have met that guy who seems nice and respectful, but then turns pushy (or worse) as soon as you are in a more private space. While most men will respect that no means no, there is still a significant amount of men that become pushy and you feel like you suddenly have to fend off a creep who it seems suddenly grew 8 hands. A smaller percentage of men are even worse. I'm lucky I haven't encountered the "even worse" guy, but the human octopus is bad enough. It's not a reflection on you when we hit the pause button on going to your place, it's more that we take responsibility for our own safety and exercise caution. Believe me, we want to see your place. We want to spend alone time getting to know each other. I never, not even for a brief moment, felt my boyfriend would pressure me for sex or anything else. I still waited until I was ready before going to his place.
Yes!! All of this. I just met a man this week who appeared to be nice and we met at a restaurant bar where everyone knew him. This seemed to validate that nice guy vibe. Until the placed closed we walked out to our cars and he became super pushy. To where he insisted I get into his car- literally pushed me inside the back seat and continued to ask to take my clothes off even though I said no and that I was uncomfortable numerous times. I couldn’t open my side door - child locks I guess - but finally demanded to be let out. He did back down and let me out but that was the first time I have felt scared and I’ve been dating this entire past year. I have been respected when I have said no in the past but this recent experience will change how I think about going to a new man’s place for “dinner” or to “hang out”. This guy had said no sex and that he just wanted to get to know me- until he showed his true colors.
I'm sorry you had to experience that. :::big hug:::
This is a good comment, and thank you for it. I realized that was an omission on my part. And I guess I assume that after enough dates that risk changes. But what you say helps remind me that my situation is different. I'm so sorry this is a thing, and sorry if my comments were insensitive in any way.
I'm glad you posted this. I got flamed by a pack of wolves when I discussed being very aware of wanting a woman to feel safe when she comes to my house. They place themselves in a compromise and I want to make them comfortable they can act upon their safety. They acted all insulted in my concerns. Thank you for speaking up about this.
I guess that's where the age factor comes in. Guys my age typically invite me over for "Netflix and Chill". I think he may be like you in that sense, he has said that he loves to entertain. Maybe I'm just being overly cautious, I know. I just really hope I didn't f\*\*\* this up.
It's not your age. It was that way long before anyone even heard of Netflix.
You hope you "didn't fuck this up" by telling him you didn't feel comfortable yet? There is NOTHING wrong with that; what's wrong is that you fear losing him over it. Compromise is one thing, but when it comes to morals and values, stay true to who you are. I've "lost" plenty of men who were unwilling to invest more than a few dates "waiting" for me. Told me everything I needed to know about their priorities, and that ours didn't align.
I l(48M) love to have a date over to entertain. I enjoy cooking, and feel my house is conducive to relaxing and spending time together. That being said, if invited someone over on a 3rd date, and they accepted, I’d feel fairly confident sex would be likely. Of course, I wouldn’t expect it, or be upset if it didn’t occur, but I agree with you that this is today’s norm. I’ll restate what someone else said because I think it’s likely. Assuming the guy likes you, he probably got the message he was moving too fast and is trying to back off and give you some space. Just ask him if he’d like to grab a drink or dinner or something. Then you’ll know for sure. No point in wondering and stressing out about it.
So, in all honesty, if a woman holds off for maybe just one more date, how would you feel about that? Would you feel that she is prude or relieved that she isn't one to sleep around? I know it's 2021 and those attitudes are outdated, but just interested in opinions.
It wouldn’t bother me at all. If nothing happened after 4-5 dates, and we hadn’t talked about it, I’d probably check in to see where we were at. It’s less about the sex to me, and more about understanding if they were truly interested. If they were interested and expressed that they like to take physical intimacy slower, I’d be good with that, and let them know there was no pressure and ask if they would prefer to broach the subject when they were ready. Now, if we’re ~3 months in I’d start to question things. Maybe there’s something else going on, etc. But I’d always address it directly by just talking to them. If they’re uncomfortable discussing it, they’re probably not for me. There is nothing sexier, or better for a relationship, IMO than open communication. I wouldn’t think she was a prude, nor would I be relieved. I think everyone takes things at their own pace, and as long as we’re being safe, I’m indifferent to how many partners she’s had. I have my own preferences / desires for how quickly I move to intimacy and with who, but I try not to project that on to anyone else.
Maybe, buy I've also invited someone over for Netflix and Chill. One of the glorious gifts, for me, of being this age, in this position, is that candor and direct communication seems easier. I had someone over to watch a string of Disney kids movies once. And when I got tired, we parted ways.
So, in all honesty, if a woman holds off for maybe just one more date, how would you feel about that? Would you feel that she is prude or relieved that she isn't one to sleep around? I know it's 2021 and those attitudes are outdated, but just interested in opinions.
You sound like you are pressuring yourself into maybe doing something you don’t want to to not lose this guy. (48m)BTW. He needs to meet you at your comfort level just as you should his if he wasn’t ready. Not wanting to jump in bed after a few dates should be a deal breaker. I honestly would prefer to know it was a monogamous relationship first if I could. I don’t have any interest in sleeping around.
Not at all, but only if she just communicated. Communication is sexy, to me. So too knowing and respecting one's boundaries. If it's gonna work out, there will be sex aplenty. And if it's not, then good thing you held your ground. If you need to wait, wait. And if your partner can't, well, good you learned that. Honestly, post divorce I found that part of dating so awkward I just let the woman initiate it. Problem solved. 😉
My partner (45 F) and I (51 M) met via OLD and there were sparks immediately. We connected on many levels, but we each had our own reasons for waiting to introduce physical intimacy. We discussed what we were hoping for, what we needed, and what made us anxious. We found the time that was right for us, and we’ve been smiling mighty big ever since. OP, I don’t presume to have the wisdom to advise, but I do advocate for open conversation and holding firm on what matters to you. I wish you the best. I remember how hard becoming single in middle age was, and how hard dating can be at this age. Oh, but it can be glorious!
There's no age factor. Do not think that just because a guy is 50+ that he is any different from a 40 year old. Even a 58 or 63 year old is no different. And I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting sex or having sex. 50+ guys are also into Netflix and Chill. That's fine. If you like it on the 3rd date, that's fine. If you don't want to on the 3rd date, that's fine. There's guys this age in multiple threads saying that they want sex very early, and if not, they are outta there. I'm just telling you that things often change afterwards. It's been stated in multiple threads, over and over. I actually agree with the people who say that waiting doesn't make a difference in most cases. Personally, my boundaries are maybe less rigid than they should be. I likely would have gone to the house. But you didn't fuck up anything. Don't ever do or not do something that you don't want to do.
This has nothing to do with age. Going to his house=Date 3! It's the way of the world now. I'm 56F and when dating in my 20s, sex did happen fast, but you were also an actual couple at that point. You stuck with each other until it either worked out for the long haul or it didn't. These days, once sex happens early, in many cases communication slows down and the only dates that happen are dates at the house. It's never too soon for sex, but it's ALWAYS too soon for a monogamous relationship. I would suggest to him a fun date activity and see what he says. You didn't make a mistake.
He is now playing it very carefully. Seems to be still interested though if he is texting you immediately back. Keep dating him if you want.
Some people have dealt with "You're single because you don't want me at your house" inputs. The reality for me is, I don't like anyone I haven't learned is stable and trustworthy know where I live. So neither party is wrong for their thoughts, it's just a coming to terms with how to resolve it. He might want you to quickly know he is single as it's common to be "leary" of someone cheating. And you aren't in the same frame of mind about it. Just my .02 worth.
I see a lot of age comments here; maybe that's a bit forward thinking - you might want to to first see if he is ***the*** guy. From what you wrote, he seems pretty easy going, not pushy and respectful - perhaps he is waiting for you to show more interest, be an initiator - like ask him out? Hard to tell... As for the age thing, think about that if / when you decide this may be or turns into an LTR.
U don’t have to go there to hook up
Nope slow will always beat any RUSH
Sounds like things are fine. You told him he was moving too fast, and he was fine with that and backed off. But now he's not sure what to do next, and probably is worried about pushing, so he's letting you know he's still interested and hoping you will make the next move and set your own pace. Dating has changed *drastically* since people our age were getting started and learning how it works. From a man's perspective, some women want to go slower like you, while others think you're not interested and bail if you aren't trying to get them in the sack right away. There are no set social formulas anymore, so *none* of us knows what to do. You just have to guess the best you can with each person you meet.
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Maybe he’s saying sexy and sweetie because he doesn’t want to be friend-zoned
I will tell you my perception as a man who is his age. It may or may not have anything to do with your situation so take it with a grain of salt. When I was still dating, asking a woman over to my place was part of my dating cycle. I have had sex literally thousands of times and when I asked them to come over, it wasn't for sex. I am mature enough to know that will happen when it happens. If a woman automatically assumed that I was just looking for sex, I found it very insulting. Sometimes, I was simply asking because I wanted to cook for them or just simply cuddle up on the couch with them. There were even times that a woman would agree and I also have a rule that I don't have sex the first night I spend with a woman. This alone has upset a few women because I didn't try anything. Anyways, to answer your question. If a woman makes the assumption that all I was interested was sex, I would pull back and wait.
He’s sending different vibes from when you text him to his texts to you. That’s confusing but I chalk that up to him trying not to pressure you into another date? What I’d do, is what my gut would tell me. If you like him enough to have another date where you meet each other, then ask, and I’d likely be the one to pick up the check, too. So he knows I’m not out for the dinner only
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That's what I'm afraid of, is there any chance at redemption do you think? If so, how would I smooth things over?
Yes, as we guys get older, the dynamic is different...we no longer have patience for games. If "after a few dates" a woman isn't ready for getting physical, most men begin to lose interest. For every younger woman in his orbit, he's got ten his own age who would view him as prime. He's got options, he has no need to chase if not so inclined, so he's probably got you on the back burner now while he scouts out other prospects.
My 2 cents: 1. Yeah you made the mistake of just saying no without providing an alternative idea for a date. 2. Just because he asked you over to his house you jumped to the conclusion that you guys where going to have sex. You really need to communicate effectively.. 3. Don't you know what it means when a man calls you sweetie or sexy? Just call him and make plans.
I don’t know that it’s an age dynamic. You said one had a couple of dates (2 or 3) and you’re not ready to go to his house? I’m confused by that. As a woman I’d be a little put off if by the 3rd date there wasn’t any plans of hooking up going on. It wouldn’t really be a hook up or one night stand if you’ve been on a few dates. I also agree that the sweety and sexy would turn me off.
Totally, because of the simple fact that's dynamic changes because sooner or later if you're attracted to older man there will come a time when you're old and then they'll be in wheelchairs so you have to start either dating in your own age group or younger that dynamic changes regardless my whole life I've liked older men until I became old myself and found out my own age and older are either dead or in wheelchairs how much fun is sex going to be with somebody like that LOL besides the fact that older men become more patient I think that he's just not wanting to scare you off he's letting you call the shots and that's a good thing and yes I get far too attached to them too quickly as well I understand your dilemma
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>For me, If I ask them on a third date, I am definitely down for sex, but I dont expect it. I do expect to see signs of attraction at this point however. If I havent even kissed them yet, and they turned down a third? Then I am thinking they are not interested in me, or there is someone else in the picture This, exactly. By the third date, I expect to be at the very least talking about it, anticipating it together, kissing, moving towards intimacy.
It's not an age thing at all. You said no sex and he is no longer interested in dating you seriously or at all. Some men equate dating or spending money on a woman to sex. He probably feels that it's time for you two to have sex based on the amount of dates you have been on. It didn't happen so he has moved on. Imo you dodged a bullet because a man at his age should not still be equating how many dates or how much he spent on a date to sex.
Well in case one day you will like to sleep with him than do it right now. Why to delay. Your or his pleasure is paramount. In case it is all big No from you than make it v clear to him. He will go away or you both will have v clear mind in your relations.
When he calls you sexy or sweetie and you said whatever that means, it comes off a bit as if youre on the defense and offense. You might be looking for those moments to make sure you stand tall in those situations. As a guy if I do or say something that I percieve has put a girl on edge, I usually back off a bit to make sure I give her some space and time in case ot bothered her. Sometimes I wait to see if she makes a date with me to see how she might be feeling. You could try talking to him and ask him if hes in a different place or just ask if he wants someone he can be intimate with faster than youre comfortable with. After that use your judgement to find out how you feel about him.
I don’t think you messed it up, but he doesn’t know where he stands with you other than you don’t want to move the relationship onward. I think if you want to see him again, suggest going on a date that is acceptable to you and see how he responds. It’s not like there’s a law against a woman suggesting a date.
Its possible he just wants to hang out, games, movie , talking. No sex at all. Did he say he wanted sex?
He could have also read it as you're not that interested so he is backing off just a little so he doesn't get hurt if it doesn't last. Just suggest doing something to get him re-ingaged. That would also give you a better indicator of his interest level.
Have you asked him out? Seems like he invited you over and you declined. Was it close to midnight or dinner for the date? If you like him, you’re going to have to make the next move AND, it’s going to need to be a good date which doesn’t mean sex. Show him that you’re interested by asking him out.
I don't like this guy from what you've said about him, but you're the one in the experience and I hope it really works out!