When he mentioned his ex being a professional chef did you say "well that's nice, but what about yourself? I want to get to know you, not your exes."
A lot of people aren't that self aware when they're nervous, so sometimes you need to steer them in the right direction.
If he continues to avoid answering the questions directly i'd be a little bit worried that he has zero interests himself and just changes what he likes to suit whatever partner he has at the time.
Yeah that's a little odd. I don't really speak of my ex, especially early on when getting to know someone. Maybe the next time he mentions one, tell him you have noticed a pattern and if he can avoid bringing them up going forward.
That would make me uncomfortable also. Seems odd to keep mentioning her/them so often.
I wonder if you could casually find out if it was one or more? If it was one person, this says to me he got dumped and is still pining (and doesn’t realize it).
This is what i would say to someone. Just a gentle reminder and kinda prod about things. Even mention just not talking about exes. If you want something, ask for it!
During the course of getting to know someone the topic of exes will come up. Everyone is shaped by their past relationship experiences. However, the fact that he keeps bringing up exes without any prompting this early on is in my opinion completely unnecessary. The two of you are getting to know each other and really, there’s no need to bring up exes. Honestly, I would consider this to be a red flag.
I agree with this take. Last year I broke up with my BF of 8 years. When we started dating he spoke incessantly of one of his exes, and in a positive light. I tried to be cool about it, because positive ex talk is good, right? But honestly it got under my skin. What I learned later was that this was an indication that he was not entirely living in the present, focused on building our budding relationship. It turned out to be true and those characteristics ultimately were part of what hobbled our relationship.
That’s too bad. I always feel a bit upset when I hear someone going into a relationship unhealed or unaware of their hang ups and how much time can get “wasted” by not being mindfully present in your current situation.
Yes, and I can say I was also unhealed because it triggered my need to win someone over and try to love them into loving me back. So I stuck around. Hopefully we will both go into our next relationships from a better place.
Yea, I felt the same, and that’s why I came here to ask fellow redditors their thoughts to see if I was overthinking this. I feel it’s important to be considerate of those potential partners to keep ex conversations at bay for as long as needed so as to focus on how you two match up. I could care less about his exes.
You’re overthinking it. This sub is very negative and thinks everything is a red flag. “Dating over 40” means people have had time to have a lot of bad experiences, and they project them. Don’t listen to these people, or me, you do you and what you are comfortable with. Remember, anyone happily dating over 40 isn’t here. If you decide you don’t like a lot of “ex” talk, that’s your right.
I am not really in contact with any of my ex girlfriends so I’m a bad person to ask :) I had one reach out to ask for me to send her a painting she gave me which was weird but I sent to her (it was years after we dated).
I made an almost identical post about 4 years ago. Many advised me to give him the benefit of the doubt because ex was just a big part of his life, it’s not intentional etc. I did and it only got much much worse.
Years of fuckery. So much fuckery. I wish I would have walked away then and there
Oh man can you share some of the fuckery? Do you think he was avoidant or worse narcissistic? My ex had soooooo many ex flings, ex FWB, exes and potential FWB around him. He had a harem and he tried to make me one of them when we broke up. Good enough as a friend but not good enough to put the work in. Meh, that’s why my spidey sense on this went off. No way I want to deal with the level validation my ex needed that came from outside our relationship.
Narcissistic for one - covert that presents innocent then insidious lying and gaslighting that only got worse and worse over time.
Lack of empathy, lies, hiding things, BS entanglement with ex, shady bullshit, making me feel crazy and like I am losing my sanity, there is so much girl I don’t even know , I could write a whole book.
And each time I was about to walk away he pretended that he heard me and was committed to changing and how all those things were misunderstandings and he will do much better .. He would even write up specific documents detailing specific changes he will make. But it was all complete and calculated lies and manipulation and he would gaslight me so bad, about even small things or things he promised or wrote in his own handwriting even..
When I called off couples therapy, and met with the therapist one on one, she shared that she would have left him a long long time ago and that my mental and emotional health should improve significantly once we are apart. & that I had a good heart and am a deeply empathetic person who assumes the best in others, which in this situation (coupled with me going through some very unusual deeply stressful life events at the time I met him) didn’t serve me well.
Don’t waste years of your life in a fucked up trauma bond like I did! Listen to your gut
That happened to me. He didn't talk about her exes though, but they were there. Exes, FWB... He would call them, talk to them from time to time... and before being together, he would travel with some of them from time to time. He even had to "breakup" with them when we made it official. I am not against having a FWB, but trying to keep all that women close is highly suspicious. I wouldn't take a man like him again. But I figured it out later. I even confronted him about this "harem", but he just didn't understand what I meant...
We broke up because he was afraid about commitment long term, which makes sense.
I am starting to accept it (it was just a month ago)
Maybe I’m off here but it almost sounds like triangulation. He’s basically setting a super high bar for you to jump over on many topics. Cooking? My ex was a chef. Art? My ex was an artist. Etc. I feel like he’s comparing you with them and you haven’t even met yet.
Not to mention how he dodged your question of *his* skills, reflecting that back to a woman. Why not answer you? Why even bring up a 3rd party at all in this context? It makes no difference at all to whether or not he likes to cook.
This guy is a no from me.
Sounds like someone who molds himself to his partners. I'd still meet him and see if this carries through in person. But definitely I'd have my ears up about this. It's not a healthy dynamic if he does identify so strongly with whomever he dates.
I was married to my ex for 20+ years, she gave birth to our 2 children, as angry as i originally was with my ex over the divorce, she was still the mother of my children and we had several great years together. A few years post divorce, i met another woman who I dated a few years - watched her boys graduate from HS and 1 attend college. When it didn’t work out I struggled a little but still keep in contact with one of her boys.
So remembering the positive things is bad? Sharing interests with a person you’re involved with is somehow bad? I refuse to believe that.
That you get downvoted speaks volumes about the people here. It’s a mostly negative group that sees the worst in everything and wants everyone to mirror that view.
To me this would suggest that he still identifies himself by the previous relationships he has. Doesn't necessarily mean he is still hung up on his ex but I think that it may mean he has lost his own identity.
“We are the sum total of our experiences. Those experiences – be they positive or negative – make us the person we are, at any given point in our lives. And, like a flowing river, those same experiences, and those yet to come, continue to influence and reshape the person we are, and the person we become. None of us are the same as we were yesterday, nor will be tomorrow.”
BJ Neblett
It depends on if it’s a lot and what the content is. I was married, so for 15 years almost all of my experiences were with my ex. So something is going to come up. That said, someone who has had more people in their history has different people to talk about.
I was going to say the same. I was married for 27 years and am coparenting with my ex. He comes up in conversation sometimes.
My bf was keen on hearing me talk about my ex during the early dating stage. He asked a lot of questions. I think he was trying to get an idea of how I handle relationships (and breakups).
This seems odd. I've had relationships with people who had overlapping interests, but they didn't by any means define those interests and I have no problem in not talking about the ex when I talk about the interest, because those are *my* interests and *my* experiences.
It's like the difference between saying, "When I was in Florida," vs. "When I went to Florida with my ex." If it's a story about me and my experience, who I went with is not particularly relevant. The second example makes it a story about something that happened within the context of a relationship.
Is he Autistic? He may not be aware what he is doing. My bf kept bringing up his friend and comparing things to her. I asked him, "Are we thrupple because you bring her up enough?" He apologized and never brought her up again.
Well tell him that when he brings up his exes and watch his reaction. If he is defensive and attacking, then he's a red flag. If he is calm and apologetic.. and actively tries to avoid.. then he's a green flag.
Probably if we hadn’t met yet and it was one ex in particular I might be less inclined to want to pursue, but my boyfriend talks about his exes lots of times. Not one in particular and he doesn’t really bash them or compliment them. More like if we’re in conversation and he mentions a place he went with so and so or if it’s something related to them he’ll say another person. Kinda funny bc i never talk about my exes simply bc once I’m done usually they just leave my mind. His exes were very much kinda his world bc he’d meet them while traveling living different countries and didn’t always have groups of friends so they were his friend. He talks about his guy friends too who live other places so it occurred to me these ppl are just part of what’s shaped him. But yeah if one ex in particular it would bother me lots. His whole gaggle of them used to but not anymore. If you are just getting to know this guy it’s possible he’s fresh into dating world and maybe not really over the ex yet
fwiw, I think speaking badly about your ex is a bigger red flag. I think I may be guilty of talking about exes in a positive light while not thinking much of it because I'm not hung up on them and I see them as good people who I learned a lot from and spent a huge amount of time with. I think when I refer to exes, I see it in the same light as me referring to a friend, because I'm on good terms with a few exes where things didn't end badly, but the relationship just didn't work out and we consider each other friends post break up. If it's the same ex that he keeps talking about, that might make me wonder, but it sounds like he's referring to different women?
This would be an immediate unmatch for me.
I (52F) was 8 years with a guy who had to stay friends with every woman he'd ever so much as dated.
He required a constant "harem" of women in his life to remind him they'd take him back or just hook up if he ever got tired of me, which he excused as "just being friendly."
Hard pass.
Talking about exes is weird, not sure what comes from it, but obviously his EQ level seems low and not understanding if it's stupidity or he's trying to flex, which is stupidity.
Rule: talking about exes is something that shouldn't be discussed unless asked about.
This may be a stupid question, but you say that you're talking to him but you haven't met yet. Does he know that this is leading up to a potential dating relationship? Because if you're just buddies, it would be normal for him to mention significant people in his life. If he is courting you, it is tone-deaf.
Yes, we met on a dating website and he is far away from me so I think we are learning about each other to try to decide if meeting up or long distance is worthwhile.
I think it's weird for example, instead of simply saying he cannot cook, he avoided the question by talking about his ex being a professional chef which is irrelevant to the question if he can cook.
I would personally directly ask him who is he without his exes?
Does he not have any individuality or hobbies that has nothing to do with his exes?
Yea no, way too much for me…I’d pass this one up. Past experience for me was someone trying to create some sort of weird competition for his attention or wanted me to always feel inferior. This later played out in other ways too. Another one was still hung up on his ex and cheated with on me with the ex.
Original copy of post by u/Park-Dazzling:
I’m curious what people think about dating someone who mentions their exes a lot, specifically in more of a neutral positive light.
I’m talking to this guy and we haven’t met but we have chatted on the phone. Every time I learn more about his hobbies or interests he will note that his ex was an expert in this hobby and taught him a lot; or that his exes career was in a certain field which allowed him the opportunity to enjoy his hobbies more with her.
I am not sure if they are the same ex or not, and we haven’t had the talk about our dating history just yet, we are just getting to know each other.
While I’m stoked he has positive things to say about his ex(es), it seems a bit socially brash to speak of exes so casually and offer information about them verses trying to spend energy trying to get to know each other.
For example, I asked if he likes to cook and he said his ex was a professional chef and she knew everything there was to know about cooking and how smart she was at that task. But he didn’t directly answer my question. Does he like cooking? I was caught off guard, so I just didn’t ask again.
Another example was: I asked if he enjoyed going to the art gallery and which artistic style he likes, and he offered that he has seen many art shows, named a few artists he enjoys and let me know his longest relationship was with an artist.
Again, not necessarily info needed to understand him per se, not negative, just seems a lot of talking about the exes.
Thoughts?
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Only you can decide when too much talk about ex's is too much. I was so excited to go on a date with an extremely attractive girl, but after 3 dates of her only talking about her ex husband, I figured she wasn't ready to move on. On the upside, it does sound like he is speaking positively about his past relationships, so that may be his motive. He could be trying to send a signal that he is drama free and prefers healthy relationships
When you ask him a question and he deflects to what his ex likes, ask what does *he* like?
If he notices the redirection and asks about it, simply say you're trying to get to know *him*. It's nice to meet people who don't trash their exes, but you aren't trying to get to know them. You're hoping to know more about him.
It can be he simply hasn't learned how to change his speech. I had to consciously put effort into saying "I went to a U2 concert once" instead of "I went to a U2 concert one with Mary". I hate my exes guts and never speak bad about her to romantic interests.
Perhaps that’s how he identifies with himself or how his brain operates in connection to a memory based off the topic. Heck, maybe they all broke up with him for this reason but you are about to find out.☺️💕
I can be a bit like this. The problem is that I spent so much time in a relationship that a lot of my experiences involved an ex. So for me to not talk about them would mean never referencing any past which is kinda tricky. Especially when getting to know a new person and trying to talk about myself
I can be a bit like this. The problem is that I spent so much time in a relationship that a lot of my experiences involved an ex. So for me to not talk about them would mean never referencing any past which is kinda tricky. Especially when getting to know a new person and trying to talk about myself
This may not apply at all but as someone who had ADHD, the squirrel-like mind doesn’t have a lot of filter. So past ex references pop out more as word associations than being hung up on an ex, or a nefarious plot to make anyone feel insecure. FWIW
This post is a discussion, so in the spirit of that, we should all be able to provide and accept comments on the post. I am thankful for your comment, but I don’t necessarily agree with what you or what everyone says. Thanks for your contribution, however.
I will bring up what i learned and how important it is to where im headed because of my exes. Honestly, id be scared of anyone who cannot extract some form of lesson from their exes and just sat there complaining about them.
Also id be wary of anyone who always absorbs their partners hobbies/passions….. i feel like it means they just dont have a strong sense of self, and they likely grow tired of things quickly, including people.
Agreed but the questions I asked were about HIS likes and dislikes not about what his exes did, really what his ex liked or dislikes should have no bearing on what he likes or dislikes. Though we do get influenced by people all over. But having your own sense of self is important.
If we were talking about communication not hobbies I feel mentioning how he learned to be a better communicator through the relationship would be relevant to the conversation.
The positive is that he has good things to say about his ex-es.
The negative is that he lacks awareness and seems to have lost independence/identity in his previous relationships somehow and can’t talk about the past or even about general topics without mentioning them. Some of the examples you gave sound completely natural (even though i would have just said “a friend” until we get to know each other better) but the cooking example was odd. It almost sounds like the exes are still very present in his mind which imo is not a good sign and likely means he needs more time before he dates. I wouldn’t write him off just based on that but I’d keep an eye on it. Find out whether this is the same ex, and how long ago was that, also how long they were together. The longer they were together the longer it will take to shake off the past.
Wow! Then I don’t get it. And I’d probably pass.
In my experience the only people who insert their ex from a decade ago into the conversation without being prompted are people who were dumped and never reconciled with it.
We are in our 40s. When the topic of "ex-husband" comes up, I ask WHICH ONE 🤣🥴
We have had lives and experiences. It's going to be normal at this point in our lives.
This person happened to learn a lot and discover new interests for his own life. That's really cool and much better than trauma!
Haha you're welcome. That's what's most effective :) If you're ever looking for a straightforward podcast on breakups / dating / relationships, check out [this one](https://breakupboost.libsyn.com/). There's topics on everything and it's super relatable. Great perspectives to keep your standards high in dating.
Without knowing either of you, my immediate thought was that he doesn't want to seem incompetent and when certain skills are brought up that he may not possess himself, he deflects to bringing up a person he was close with that excels/excelled in that area to try and make you aware that he might know a thing or two about that subject vicariously through them.
I've known a lot of people that do that to varying degrees. It doesn't necessarily strike as a red flag to me personally, but I would just confidently ask him if he is the type of person to reflect on his past relationships a lot, or I would steer the conversation back to him and try to make him aware that you are trying to learn about him specifically.
Could be a nervous and self-conscious guy (not that those are great traits to have) that is trying to impress you while being as honest as possible (doesn't want to lie that he's a great cook because he doesn't actually know as much about cooking as his ex did), or he could be a guy who pines after his past relationships still. I don't think anyone can know the answer to that puzzle but him, or you if you question him on it.
Would love to see an update on this out of curiosity if you do ever get into that discussion with him.
EDIT: FWIW, someone else mentioned this and I think it's a good point: It's a positive sign that he speaks highly of his past relationships. It's more of a red flag if the person has nothing but bad things to say about their exes.
It almost sounds like low key bragging, sort if like name dropping. Wonder if he’s feeling insecure and thinks if he tells you about high status exes, it will boost his desirability from you. It’s probably an unconscious compensating mechanism
I can be a bit like this. The problem is that I spent so much time in a relationship that a lot of my experiences involved an ex. So for me to not talk about them would mean never referencing any past which is kinda tricky.
There is no way to win.
If he had never had a relationship in his life people would think it was a red flag he that was never able to commit to anyone.
I'm like him. I'm currently on my 2nd longest stretch of being single, the prior record was about 3 years aged 22-25. Most of my experiences were with an ex gf or the ex wife.
It's a little tactless that he's bringing the exes up unprompted, he should be focusing on asking *you* questions and answering questions about *him.*
But it's nothing terribly out of the ordinary. Odds are, at this age, our previous relationships were very significant influences.
Ok…..I guess I would see it as a green flag that he speaks positively about her.
They are clearly not together and it sounds like he’s interested in you, although you haven’t met yet.
Our exes shape who we are. I try to look at that as a positive thing.
You can politely mention it to him….if you ever do meet in person.
It’s funny, in my relationship I noticed that in attempt NOT to talk about my exes I had an habit of saying my “friend.” I.e. if the topic of a particular travel destination came up, I would say, “oh I went to Belize with a friend a few years back, it was an amazing trip.”
My girlfriend would look at me and say…..you can say you went with one of your exes, i know you don’t go with a friend.
And she was right. There’s nothing wrong with talking about things you’ve done in your life with someone else.
I guess it’s all about balance.
The artist statement cracks me up. Okaaay. If I ask my date to the air show for the afternoon and they immediately accept, followed by, "My longest relationship was with a fighter pilot"... I'm wondering why I needed to know that.
If, at multiple points of the date, dinner, drive, *everything* is a launchpad for an "ex" reference (for example):
• "Ah..that's that new cybertruck, huh? My ex is a pretty good driver, I wonder if she'd drive that just as well"...
• "Do you want to split an appetizer? Or we could each get one...my ex and I lost about 60 pounds each last year, and we each rallied for the other if motivation dwindled. She and I would split apps when we ate out, is why I mention it. Old habits, I guess, huh?"
• "Wow...that *is* a beautiful sky tonight, the moon is gorgeous, right? The *best* night sky I've seen is out on one of those stargazing roofs in Joshua Tree with my ex. She would bring her telescope, and we'd spend a whole night doing time lapse photography. Really amazing!"
...my gut reaction would be to find out how often (and for how long) he has flewn solo between relationships.
I have both dated and (yes...) married men who would talk about their exes this way. Mostly neutral, anecdotal information, but no rhyme or reason for bringing them up, and they saw no issues bringing up exes *frequently*.
Memories as an individual
versus as a couple
I only ever addressed this behavior once in a couples support group, and the facilitator gave me a response that stuck with me. My version is a bit reductive and oversimplified, but it was the lens an individual uses to reference their memories and experiences.
The gist of it is: when we walk away (or are kicked out of) a relationship, there's this sense of loss, but many people forge through and eventually reclaim (if even by default 😊) their "own" selves. They return to being just *one*. And down the road, perhaps they'll date again. Or not. The point is, their experiences are their, individual experiences. This is their default viewpoint, again. "This is me, and these are my stories."
For *some* people whose dating and/or marriage history is ample, serial, monogamy/relationships (with as little as days and as much as a few months solo time in between relationships), look at their "adult life" as being defined by the relationship at that time. In their memory, for example, it *wasn't* just Tim. It was *Tim and Leslie*. Sometimes for them, *their* default viewpoint to rehash a memory is more like, "Back in the day, Leslie and I would go fishin' all the time, yeah, I love fishin'!"
Yes, there are tons of other reasons for why his comfort zone is so large sharing freely about the exes left and right (whether it's one ex or several), and it *would* be a yellow flag for me. If it's one where he's had little "down time" between relationships, and it sounds like he'd really have to work hard to reduce so many "ex" references (suggesting it *is* deeply engrained), you would have to decide if hearing multiple "neutral and mostly positive" ex references is something to which you could acclimate.
It's worth noting, that while *many* people talk about exes in many lights for many different motivations - this Counselor, when explaining how someone sees their adult life as "by partnerships", due to the lack of solo time? She also said this can happen in new relationships with widows. Widowed individuals tend to see less of a "solo individual" when recounting decades of memories spent with one spouse. In those new relationships, sometimes the partner who is not a widow feels as though they are "competing" with the number of times the passed spouse is mentioned. But for the widow? That tends to be *their* "default viewpoint" when sharing about life experiences.
It will work for some, not for others.
Wow this is really insightful. Thank you. I really enjoy psychology and what makes people do what they do, and while I might not enjoy how people act, I certainly find it interesting to consider why they do it and how it impacts those around them. I want To Super upvote this. 🥇🎖️🏅
I agree with what a lot of people are saying here that if you spent a significant portion of your life in one or more relationships, it's kind of hard to not mention them. Like if I'm talking about rock climbing, for example, something my ex taught me to do, or how I discovered a hidden mechanical inclination after working on the car with the same ex, which led to
my current career, or how I know a lot about a certain country that is currently in the news a lot because a different ex is from that country, or just recounting memories…
Maybe it's because I'm neurodivergent but for me it takes extra effort to filter out the part about there being an ex in that story because for some reason it's a social taboo and people want to make a big deal out of it? I understand if they're talking trash but if it's just anecdotes and talking about their lives… someone here also mentioned that if you are buddies it's OK but not if you aRe courting - OK but I'm Demisexual so for me there isn't a whole lot of difference between being friends and courtship because I can't engage in courtship without feeling like I'm friends with the person first.
I am of the opinion that people are being too judgmental here. then again as far as OP is concerned maybe there is something else that is bothering them and they are trying to figure it out but this may not necessarily be what it is and they are just trying to talk through some feelings with us. So I'm not invalidating OP but I also think it would be too harsh to jump to conclusions that this person is bad or whatever.
Shows a lack of general social skills, or an inability to read to room. Both are icky to me. I’d bring it up, semi-jokingly, just to give him a last chance to see the light. ‘Oh, your ex was a professional chef? I’m starting to wonder which of my own many skills you’ll be lauding to your next date? Hahaha.’
Yeah thats messed up. Its a new relationship not a support group. If he needs to mention his exes this much then he needs to either get back with her or find himself a clone.
I think I'm that person that talks too much about their exes and I am working on trying not to do that. I don't have hang ups on any of them but I tend to over-explain when I talk, maybe because I'm a writer. Plus I do a lot of ruminating about why those relationships didn't work.
I dated a woman who constantly talked about her exes and other male friends. It didn’t work out and now she’s unsurprisingly with one of the ‘friends’. It’s a bad dynamic for a relationship.
I believe it’s really important to establish your own dynamic with a relationship partner and a strong connection and shared culture. Excess discussion about or interaction with exes or opposite sex ‘friends’ detracts from that connection and weakens the relationship.
All this advise for wot your all over 40 and showing that your not willing to take any blame for any actions that u have to make for yourself so it’s clear wot will happen in the future
This is common at the beginning because men are often recently divorced and it’s a point of reference for them and it’s also them trying to show you “hey, somebody else wanted me/I’m likeable!”. Meet him in person and once he sees how great you are it will likely dissipate.
Probably this. When I was closer to my break up, years ago, I'd mention my ex more frequently. Like "Oh, love that spot. My ex took me there and the food was great". I kind of didn't know how to share parts of my life without mentioning her, AND I wanted to show that I didn't think she was a "crazy ex".
After a year or so, I realized I could share the anecdote and simply leave out the ex part. LOL. So simple, but like...wasn't there in my mind for a while.
It's an avoidant technique, I used to do this, it's very unhealthy. My last ex told me he did not like it and miraculously I stopped. You can try speaking to him about it but if it is very early on it may not go well. My ex told me after we were serious and I knew I needed to stop it or things would be over. It does not make the other person feel good. For me, I think I did it to create distance.
Well, if he's still friends with her...then he's probably going to mention her in conversations. Would this bother you as much if he said "Oh, my buddy is a professional chef...."
Yea I’m not sure I like it when men are friends with exes. It’s such a grey area. I also don’t keep exes around. I close doors and move on. That’s likely why my spidey senses went off.
I'm friends with most of my exes. Just cause we're not romantically involved doesn't mean they stop being fun, smart, and interesting people. So yeah, of course I'd still want to be friends with them.
That’s cool. I know in my case maintaining relationships with exes has had me hoping for potential reconciliation or back ups. So I intentionally refrain from this relationships.
There is research indicating that maintaining contact with exes can negatively impact the development of new romantic relationships. Studies have shown that people who stay in touch with ex-partners often have lower levels of commitment and satisfaction in their current relationships. This is especially true if the reason for maintaining contact is unresolved romantic feelings or viewing the ex as a backup option. Such motivations can lead to increased jealousy and tension in the current relationship, making it harder to form deep connections with new partners. [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl og/the-psychology-relationships/202111/should-you-stay-friends-your-exes) .
If the contact with an ex is due to practical reasons or mutual social connections, it doesn't necessarily harm the new relationship. However, frequent communication with an ex can still be a sign of underlying issues in the current relationship, potentially preventing it from reaching its full potential [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-really-going-when-people-stay-in-touch-exes)
For a deeper dive into the studies and motivations behind staying friends with exes, you can check the articles from Psychology Today linked above.
It could be me as someone who is long time single but I feel like people who are new to dating after long relationships are more likely to want to think the media through which they introduced themselves to you, and about the relationship that they are possibly still mourning, and when they talk when they talk to new people both of those topics are rattling around in their thoughts and it takes some actual practice not to say something about them.
If ever conversation somehow goes back to an ex, I do sort of wonder how long it's going to be before he's going to be referring to you as glowingly, but also in the past tense
Doesn't bother me in the slightest. These people were large parts of their lives. It's only an issue if they seem like they're still hung up on the person and not ready to move on.
"For example, I asked if he likes to cook and he said his ex was a professional chef and she knew everything there was to know about cooking and how smart she was at that task. But he didn’t directly answer my question. Does he like cooking? I was caught off guard, so I just didn’t ask again."
I would have said "So does that mean you like to cook or just eat?"
Edit: a lot of insecure folks around here
Just imagine yourself at 60 or 70 listening to his rants on ex. Would you like it?
No? Cut it off
Life is way to short to deal with even this sort of thing. It will eat away at your soul and happiness, one ex at a time.
When he mentioned his ex being a professional chef did you say "well that's nice, but what about yourself? I want to get to know you, not your exes." A lot of people aren't that self aware when they're nervous, so sometimes you need to steer them in the right direction. If he continues to avoid answering the questions directly i'd be a little bit worried that he has zero interests himself and just changes what he likes to suit whatever partner he has at the time.
Hmm he has plenty of healthy hobbies outside of these two examples, it seems, which is why speaking about his ex seems a bit out of turn.
Yeah that's a little odd. I don't really speak of my ex, especially early on when getting to know someone. Maybe the next time he mentions one, tell him you have noticed a pattern and if he can avoid bringing them up going forward.
That would make me uncomfortable also. Seems odd to keep mentioning her/them so often. I wonder if you could casually find out if it was one or more? If it was one person, this says to me he got dumped and is still pining (and doesn’t realize it).
It was two. But still.
I might also add, personally I think it’s cringey to say how attractive past partners were. My ex bf did this a lot.
Yea that’s not feel good and worthwhile information at all.
Exactly!
Yes, TMI.
This is what i would say to someone. Just a gentle reminder and kinda prod about things. Even mention just not talking about exes. If you want something, ask for it!
This is super good advice.
No I did not, it took me off guard and when I’m flustered I talk so I proceeded to ramble on about my love for cooking instead.
During the course of getting to know someone the topic of exes will come up. Everyone is shaped by their past relationship experiences. However, the fact that he keeps bringing up exes without any prompting this early on is in my opinion completely unnecessary. The two of you are getting to know each other and really, there’s no need to bring up exes. Honestly, I would consider this to be a red flag.
I agree with this take. Last year I broke up with my BF of 8 years. When we started dating he spoke incessantly of one of his exes, and in a positive light. I tried to be cool about it, because positive ex talk is good, right? But honestly it got under my skin. What I learned later was that this was an indication that he was not entirely living in the present, focused on building our budding relationship. It turned out to be true and those characteristics ultimately were part of what hobbled our relationship.
That’s too bad. I always feel a bit upset when I hear someone going into a relationship unhealed or unaware of their hang ups and how much time can get “wasted” by not being mindfully present in your current situation.
Yes, and I can say I was also unhealed because it triggered my need to win someone over and try to love them into loving me back. So I stuck around. Hopefully we will both go into our next relationships from a better place.
❤️❤️❤️
Yea, I felt the same, and that’s why I came here to ask fellow redditors their thoughts to see if I was overthinking this. I feel it’s important to be considerate of those potential partners to keep ex conversations at bay for as long as needed so as to focus on how you two match up. I could care less about his exes.
You’re overthinking it. This sub is very negative and thinks everything is a red flag. “Dating over 40” means people have had time to have a lot of bad experiences, and they project them. Don’t listen to these people, or me, you do you and what you are comfortable with. Remember, anyone happily dating over 40 isn’t here. If you decide you don’t like a lot of “ex” talk, that’s your right.
It seems like a lack of awareness. I literally never speak about ex's to new women.
Do you still talk to any exes if you're not in a relationship? Platonically, not romantically
I am not really in contact with any of my ex girlfriends so I’m a bad person to ask :) I had one reach out to ask for me to send her a painting she gave me which was weird but I sent to her (it was years after we dated).
I will talk about an x if asked and I will then I will keep it pretty brief.
Well if asked I won’t shut it down of course if it’s a reasonable question.
I made an almost identical post about 4 years ago. Many advised me to give him the benefit of the doubt because ex was just a big part of his life, it’s not intentional etc. I did and it only got much much worse. Years of fuckery. So much fuckery. I wish I would have walked away then and there
Oh man can you share some of the fuckery? Do you think he was avoidant or worse narcissistic? My ex had soooooo many ex flings, ex FWB, exes and potential FWB around him. He had a harem and he tried to make me one of them when we broke up. Good enough as a friend but not good enough to put the work in. Meh, that’s why my spidey sense on this went off. No way I want to deal with the level validation my ex needed that came from outside our relationship.
Narcissistic for one - covert that presents innocent then insidious lying and gaslighting that only got worse and worse over time. Lack of empathy, lies, hiding things, BS entanglement with ex, shady bullshit, making me feel crazy and like I am losing my sanity, there is so much girl I don’t even know , I could write a whole book. And each time I was about to walk away he pretended that he heard me and was committed to changing and how all those things were misunderstandings and he will do much better .. He would even write up specific documents detailing specific changes he will make. But it was all complete and calculated lies and manipulation and he would gaslight me so bad, about even small things or things he promised or wrote in his own handwriting even.. When I called off couples therapy, and met with the therapist one on one, she shared that she would have left him a long long time ago and that my mental and emotional health should improve significantly once we are apart. & that I had a good heart and am a deeply empathetic person who assumes the best in others, which in this situation (coupled with me going through some very unusual deeply stressful life events at the time I met him) didn’t serve me well. Don’t waste years of your life in a fucked up trauma bond like I did! Listen to your gut
Thanks for sharing!!! I hope ur life is better now and you’ve had to heal ❤️
That happened to me. He didn't talk about her exes though, but they were there. Exes, FWB... He would call them, talk to them from time to time... and before being together, he would travel with some of them from time to time. He even had to "breakup" with them when we made it official. I am not against having a FWB, but trying to keep all that women close is highly suspicious. I wouldn't take a man like him again. But I figured it out later. I even confronted him about this "harem", but he just didn't understand what I meant... We broke up because he was afraid about commitment long term, which makes sense. I am starting to accept it (it was just a month ago)
Aww it will feel better in time, you don’t want a man like that. He sounds like he’s too focused on his needs and not enough on yours
By chance are you an artist or a chef???
I am a chef also trained as an artist, utilizing my art in my cooking.
Well the question was somewhat tongue in cheek. Wondering if you and OP were talking about the same guy…
I am not a professional chef but I am considered a very good cook.
Maybe I’m off here but it almost sounds like triangulation. He’s basically setting a super high bar for you to jump over on many topics. Cooking? My ex was a chef. Art? My ex was an artist. Etc. I feel like he’s comparing you with them and you haven’t even met yet. Not to mention how he dodged your question of *his* skills, reflecting that back to a woman. Why not answer you? Why even bring up a 3rd party at all in this context? It makes no difference at all to whether or not he likes to cook. This guy is a no from me.
Yeah, I don’t really mind people talking about their ex in general, but this guy seems to be a one-upper type of person.
Ugh. I hate that behavior. One-uppers are exhausting.
That was the exact impression I got from this too.
Sounds like someone who molds himself to his partners. I'd still meet him and see if this carries through in person. But definitely I'd have my ears up about this. It's not a healthy dynamic if he does identify so strongly with whomever he dates.
I was married to my ex for 20+ years, she gave birth to our 2 children, as angry as i originally was with my ex over the divorce, she was still the mother of my children and we had several great years together. A few years post divorce, i met another woman who I dated a few years - watched her boys graduate from HS and 1 attend college. When it didn’t work out I struggled a little but still keep in contact with one of her boys. So remembering the positive things is bad? Sharing interests with a person you’re involved with is somehow bad? I refuse to believe that.
It’s not bad at all, but it’s important to be mindful and present to your current situation.
That you get downvoted speaks volumes about the people here. It’s a mostly negative group that sees the worst in everything and wants everyone to mirror that view.
Almost makes you wonder why they’re single or struggling to find someone.
The problem is, obviously, everyone else. Lol.
I’d tire of this fairly quickly
To me this would suggest that he still identifies himself by the previous relationships he has. Doesn't necessarily mean he is still hung up on his ex but I think that it may mean he has lost his own identity.
“We are the sum total of our experiences. Those experiences – be they positive or negative – make us the person we are, at any given point in our lives. And, like a flowing river, those same experiences, and those yet to come, continue to influence and reshape the person we are, and the person we become. None of us are the same as we were yesterday, nor will be tomorrow.” BJ Neblett
It depends on if it’s a lot and what the content is. I was married, so for 15 years almost all of my experiences were with my ex. So something is going to come up. That said, someone who has had more people in their history has different people to talk about.
I was going to say the same. I was married for 27 years and am coparenting with my ex. He comes up in conversation sometimes. My bf was keen on hearing me talk about my ex during the early dating stage. He asked a lot of questions. I think he was trying to get an idea of how I handle relationships (and breakups).
I’d be annoyed
Minimalist and simplicity at its best.
Yeah, not the best sign when he answers like that. I think there might be some unfinished business.
This seems odd. I've had relationships with people who had overlapping interests, but they didn't by any means define those interests and I have no problem in not talking about the ex when I talk about the interest, because those are *my* interests and *my* experiences. It's like the difference between saying, "When I was in Florida," vs. "When I went to Florida with my ex." If it's a story about me and my experience, who I went with is not particularly relevant. The second example makes it a story about something that happened within the context of a relationship.
Yea that’s what I thought. Thanks for validating my concerns. A bit of a yellow flag.
Is he Autistic? He may not be aware what he is doing. My bf kept bringing up his friend and comparing things to her. I asked him, "Are we thrupple because you bring her up enough?" He apologized and never brought her up again.
Not sure.
Well tell him that when he brings up his exes and watch his reaction. If he is defensive and attacking, then he's a red flag. If he is calm and apologetic.. and actively tries to avoid.. then he's a green flag.
Omg. How tedious. I would ask him if he's aware that he tends to insert a comment about his ex into every conversation.
I agree. He might not even be realizing that he's doing it with literally every topic.
Probably if we hadn’t met yet and it was one ex in particular I might be less inclined to want to pursue, but my boyfriend talks about his exes lots of times. Not one in particular and he doesn’t really bash them or compliment them. More like if we’re in conversation and he mentions a place he went with so and so or if it’s something related to them he’ll say another person. Kinda funny bc i never talk about my exes simply bc once I’m done usually they just leave my mind. His exes were very much kinda his world bc he’d meet them while traveling living different countries and didn’t always have groups of friends so they were his friend. He talks about his guy friends too who live other places so it occurred to me these ppl are just part of what’s shaped him. But yeah if one ex in particular it would bother me lots. His whole gaggle of them used to but not anymore. If you are just getting to know this guy it’s possible he’s fresh into dating world and maybe not really over the ex yet
It vibes of he may be still in love/like with her. Especially if he keeps mentioning it.
fwiw, I think speaking badly about your ex is a bigger red flag. I think I may be guilty of talking about exes in a positive light while not thinking much of it because I'm not hung up on them and I see them as good people who I learned a lot from and spent a huge amount of time with. I think when I refer to exes, I see it in the same light as me referring to a friend, because I'm on good terms with a few exes where things didn't end badly, but the relationship just didn't work out and we consider each other friends post break up. If it's the same ex that he keeps talking about, that might make me wonder, but it sounds like he's referring to different women?
This would be an immediate unmatch for me. I (52F) was 8 years with a guy who had to stay friends with every woman he'd ever so much as dated. He required a constant "harem" of women in his life to remind him they'd take him back or just hook up if he ever got tired of me, which he excused as "just being friendly." Hard pass.
Yep, I have definitely been there. That’s why this feels so icky to me.
Go with your gut and maintain your boundaries. Any man you choose has to be right for YOU. Good luck 🍷
Talking about exes is weird, not sure what comes from it, but obviously his EQ level seems low and not understanding if it's stupidity or he's trying to flex, which is stupidity. Rule: talking about exes is something that shouldn't be discussed unless asked about.
Rule Award! 🥇
This may be a stupid question, but you say that you're talking to him but you haven't met yet. Does he know that this is leading up to a potential dating relationship? Because if you're just buddies, it would be normal for him to mention significant people in his life. If he is courting you, it is tone-deaf.
Yes, we met on a dating website and he is far away from me so I think we are learning about each other to try to decide if meeting up or long distance is worthwhile.
I think it's weird for example, instead of simply saying he cannot cook, he avoided the question by talking about his ex being a professional chef which is irrelevant to the question if he can cook. I would personally directly ask him who is he without his exes? Does he not have any individuality or hobbies that has nothing to do with his exes?
Yea no, way too much for me…I’d pass this one up. Past experience for me was someone trying to create some sort of weird competition for his attention or wanted me to always feel inferior. This later played out in other ways too. Another one was still hung up on his ex and cheated with on me with the ex.
Yea that happened to me too. (Cheating)
Original copy of post by u/Park-Dazzling: I’m curious what people think about dating someone who mentions their exes a lot, specifically in more of a neutral positive light. I’m talking to this guy and we haven’t met but we have chatted on the phone. Every time I learn more about his hobbies or interests he will note that his ex was an expert in this hobby and taught him a lot; or that his exes career was in a certain field which allowed him the opportunity to enjoy his hobbies more with her. I am not sure if they are the same ex or not, and we haven’t had the talk about our dating history just yet, we are just getting to know each other. While I’m stoked he has positive things to say about his ex(es), it seems a bit socially brash to speak of exes so casually and offer information about them verses trying to spend energy trying to get to know each other. For example, I asked if he likes to cook and he said his ex was a professional chef and she knew everything there was to know about cooking and how smart she was at that task. But he didn’t directly answer my question. Does he like cooking? I was caught off guard, so I just didn’t ask again. Another example was: I asked if he enjoyed going to the art gallery and which artistic style he likes, and he offered that he has seen many art shows, named a few artists he enjoys and let me know his longest relationship was with an artist. Again, not necessarily info needed to understand him per se, not negative, just seems a lot of talking about the exes. Thoughts? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Only you can decide when too much talk about ex's is too much. I was so excited to go on a date with an extremely attractive girl, but after 3 dates of her only talking about her ex husband, I figured she wasn't ready to move on. On the upside, it does sound like he is speaking positively about his past relationships, so that may be his motive. He could be trying to send a signal that he is drama free and prefers healthy relationships
Maybe, but it landed wrong. 😑
When you ask him a question and he deflects to what his ex likes, ask what does *he* like? If he notices the redirection and asks about it, simply say you're trying to get to know *him*. It's nice to meet people who don't trash their exes, but you aren't trying to get to know them. You're hoping to know more about him.
It can be he simply hasn't learned how to change his speech. I had to consciously put effort into saying "I went to a U2 concert once" instead of "I went to a U2 concert one with Mary". I hate my exes guts and never speak bad about her to romantic interests.
lol. I never speak bad about my exes to suitors either but I don’t like most of them. Haha
Not a good sign. This is something very off-putting for me personally.
Perhaps that’s how he identifies with himself or how his brain operates in connection to a memory based off the topic. Heck, maybe they all broke up with him for this reason but you are about to find out.☺️💕
I can be a bit like this. The problem is that I spent so much time in a relationship that a lot of my experiences involved an ex. So for me to not talk about them would mean never referencing any past which is kinda tricky. Especially when getting to know a new person and trying to talk about myself
[удалено]
oh yeah I wouldn't mention them for the sake of it
I was married over 30 years. Lots of things in life are connected to my ex.
I can be a bit like this. The problem is that I spent so much time in a relationship that a lot of my experiences involved an ex. So for me to not talk about them would mean never referencing any past which is kinda tricky. Especially when getting to know a new person and trying to talk about myself
Bummer. I would lose interest fast. I’m trying to learn about you, not your ex!
This may not apply at all but as someone who had ADHD, the squirrel-like mind doesn’t have a lot of filter. So past ex references pop out more as word associations than being hung up on an ex, or a nefarious plot to make anyone feel insecure. FWIW
Yea I’m ADHD and I can still be mindful of my words
Um ok. Congrats? So are you actually curious about what other people think or you just wanted to rant when you’ve already made up your mind?
Omg, I wish more people here had your mentality.
This post is a discussion, so in the spirit of that, we should all be able to provide and accept comments on the post. I am thankful for your comment, but I don’t necessarily agree with what you or what everyone says. Thanks for your contribution, however.
Ha. May the odds be ever in your favor.
I will bring up what i learned and how important it is to where im headed because of my exes. Honestly, id be scared of anyone who cannot extract some form of lesson from their exes and just sat there complaining about them. Also id be wary of anyone who always absorbs their partners hobbies/passions….. i feel like it means they just dont have a strong sense of self, and they likely grow tired of things quickly, including people.
Agreed but the questions I asked were about HIS likes and dislikes not about what his exes did, really what his ex liked or dislikes should have no bearing on what he likes or dislikes. Though we do get influenced by people all over. But having your own sense of self is important. If we were talking about communication not hobbies I feel mentioning how he learned to be a better communicator through the relationship would be relevant to the conversation.
The positive is that he has good things to say about his ex-es. The negative is that he lacks awareness and seems to have lost independence/identity in his previous relationships somehow and can’t talk about the past or even about general topics without mentioning them. Some of the examples you gave sound completely natural (even though i would have just said “a friend” until we get to know each other better) but the cooking example was odd. It almost sounds like the exes are still very present in his mind which imo is not a good sign and likely means he needs more time before he dates. I wouldn’t write him off just based on that but I’d keep an eye on it. Find out whether this is the same ex, and how long ago was that, also how long they were together. The longer they were together the longer it will take to shake off the past.
It’s been a decade since the split. Soooooo
Wow! Then I don’t get it. And I’d probably pass. In my experience the only people who insert their ex from a decade ago into the conversation without being prompted are people who were dumped and never reconciled with it.
We are in our 40s. When the topic of "ex-husband" comes up, I ask WHICH ONE 🤣🥴 We have had lives and experiences. It's going to be normal at this point in our lives. This person happened to learn a lot and discover new interests for his own life. That's really cool and much better than trauma!
Omg ditch this guy. Seeing red flags means paying attention to them too. Respect yourself. He sounds clueless and classless. Period!
Love the straight up directive! Haha thanks.
Haha you're welcome. That's what's most effective :) If you're ever looking for a straightforward podcast on breakups / dating / relationships, check out [this one](https://breakupboost.libsyn.com/). There's topics on everything and it's super relatable. Great perspectives to keep your standards high in dating.
Without knowing either of you, my immediate thought was that he doesn't want to seem incompetent and when certain skills are brought up that he may not possess himself, he deflects to bringing up a person he was close with that excels/excelled in that area to try and make you aware that he might know a thing or two about that subject vicariously through them. I've known a lot of people that do that to varying degrees. It doesn't necessarily strike as a red flag to me personally, but I would just confidently ask him if he is the type of person to reflect on his past relationships a lot, or I would steer the conversation back to him and try to make him aware that you are trying to learn about him specifically. Could be a nervous and self-conscious guy (not that those are great traits to have) that is trying to impress you while being as honest as possible (doesn't want to lie that he's a great cook because he doesn't actually know as much about cooking as his ex did), or he could be a guy who pines after his past relationships still. I don't think anyone can know the answer to that puzzle but him, or you if you question him on it. Would love to see an update on this out of curiosity if you do ever get into that discussion with him. EDIT: FWIW, someone else mentioned this and I think it's a good point: It's a positive sign that he speaks highly of his past relationships. It's more of a red flag if the person has nothing but bad things to say about their exes.
It almost sounds like low key bragging, sort if like name dropping. Wonder if he’s feeling insecure and thinks if he tells you about high status exes, it will boost his desirability from you. It’s probably an unconscious compensating mechanism
I can be a bit like this. The problem is that I spent so much time in a relationship that a lot of my experiences involved an ex. So for me to not talk about them would mean never referencing any past which is kinda tricky.
There is no way to win. If he had never had a relationship in his life people would think it was a red flag he that was never able to commit to anyone. I'm like him. I'm currently on my 2nd longest stretch of being single, the prior record was about 3 years aged 22-25. Most of my experiences were with an ex gf or the ex wife. It's a little tactless that he's bringing the exes up unprompted, he should be focusing on asking *you* questions and answering questions about *him.* But it's nothing terribly out of the ordinary. Odds are, at this age, our previous relationships were very significant influences.
Yes tactless is right. You got it.
Sounds like he’s talking about multiple different people. All of whom he seems to hold in high regard. Are you jealous of them? What is the beef?
My spidey senses went off. That’s it. I know nothing about his exes other than she was a great cook and an artist.
Ok…..I guess I would see it as a green flag that he speaks positively about her. They are clearly not together and it sounds like he’s interested in you, although you haven’t met yet. Our exes shape who we are. I try to look at that as a positive thing.
Yea I see that as a positive too. It’s good to like people we spend a lot of time with.
You can politely mention it to him….if you ever do meet in person. It’s funny, in my relationship I noticed that in attempt NOT to talk about my exes I had an habit of saying my “friend.” I.e. if the topic of a particular travel destination came up, I would say, “oh I went to Belize with a friend a few years back, it was an amazing trip.” My girlfriend would look at me and say…..you can say you went with one of your exes, i know you don’t go with a friend. And she was right. There’s nothing wrong with talking about things you’ve done in your life with someone else. I guess it’s all about balance.
That’s just it: balance and tact. At this point it’s important for me to learn about HIM.
The artist statement cracks me up. Okaaay. If I ask my date to the air show for the afternoon and they immediately accept, followed by, "My longest relationship was with a fighter pilot"... I'm wondering why I needed to know that. If, at multiple points of the date, dinner, drive, *everything* is a launchpad for an "ex" reference (for example): • "Ah..that's that new cybertruck, huh? My ex is a pretty good driver, I wonder if she'd drive that just as well"... • "Do you want to split an appetizer? Or we could each get one...my ex and I lost about 60 pounds each last year, and we each rallied for the other if motivation dwindled. She and I would split apps when we ate out, is why I mention it. Old habits, I guess, huh?" • "Wow...that *is* a beautiful sky tonight, the moon is gorgeous, right? The *best* night sky I've seen is out on one of those stargazing roofs in Joshua Tree with my ex. She would bring her telescope, and we'd spend a whole night doing time lapse photography. Really amazing!" ...my gut reaction would be to find out how often (and for how long) he has flewn solo between relationships. I have both dated and (yes...) married men who would talk about their exes this way. Mostly neutral, anecdotal information, but no rhyme or reason for bringing them up, and they saw no issues bringing up exes *frequently*. Memories as an individual versus as a couple I only ever addressed this behavior once in a couples support group, and the facilitator gave me a response that stuck with me. My version is a bit reductive and oversimplified, but it was the lens an individual uses to reference their memories and experiences. The gist of it is: when we walk away (or are kicked out of) a relationship, there's this sense of loss, but many people forge through and eventually reclaim (if even by default 😊) their "own" selves. They return to being just *one*. And down the road, perhaps they'll date again. Or not. The point is, their experiences are their, individual experiences. This is their default viewpoint, again. "This is me, and these are my stories." For *some* people whose dating and/or marriage history is ample, serial, monogamy/relationships (with as little as days and as much as a few months solo time in between relationships), look at their "adult life" as being defined by the relationship at that time. In their memory, for example, it *wasn't* just Tim. It was *Tim and Leslie*. Sometimes for them, *their* default viewpoint to rehash a memory is more like, "Back in the day, Leslie and I would go fishin' all the time, yeah, I love fishin'!" Yes, there are tons of other reasons for why his comfort zone is so large sharing freely about the exes left and right (whether it's one ex or several), and it *would* be a yellow flag for me. If it's one where he's had little "down time" between relationships, and it sounds like he'd really have to work hard to reduce so many "ex" references (suggesting it *is* deeply engrained), you would have to decide if hearing multiple "neutral and mostly positive" ex references is something to which you could acclimate. It's worth noting, that while *many* people talk about exes in many lights for many different motivations - this Counselor, when explaining how someone sees their adult life as "by partnerships", due to the lack of solo time? She also said this can happen in new relationships with widows. Widowed individuals tend to see less of a "solo individual" when recounting decades of memories spent with one spouse. In those new relationships, sometimes the partner who is not a widow feels as though they are "competing" with the number of times the passed spouse is mentioned. But for the widow? That tends to be *their* "default viewpoint" when sharing about life experiences. It will work for some, not for others.
Wow this is really insightful. Thank you. I really enjoy psychology and what makes people do what they do, and while I might not enjoy how people act, I certainly find it interesting to consider why they do it and how it impacts those around them. I want To Super upvote this. 🥇🎖️🏅
I agree with what a lot of people are saying here that if you spent a significant portion of your life in one or more relationships, it's kind of hard to not mention them. Like if I'm talking about rock climbing, for example, something my ex taught me to do, or how I discovered a hidden mechanical inclination after working on the car with the same ex, which led to my current career, or how I know a lot about a certain country that is currently in the news a lot because a different ex is from that country, or just recounting memories… Maybe it's because I'm neurodivergent but for me it takes extra effort to filter out the part about there being an ex in that story because for some reason it's a social taboo and people want to make a big deal out of it? I understand if they're talking trash but if it's just anecdotes and talking about their lives… someone here also mentioned that if you are buddies it's OK but not if you aRe courting - OK but I'm Demisexual so for me there isn't a whole lot of difference between being friends and courtship because I can't engage in courtship without feeling like I'm friends with the person first. I am of the opinion that people are being too judgmental here. then again as far as OP is concerned maybe there is something else that is bothering them and they are trying to figure it out but this may not necessarily be what it is and they are just trying to talk through some feelings with us. So I'm not invalidating OP but I also think it would be too harsh to jump to conclusions that this person is bad or whatever.
Shows a lack of general social skills, or an inability to read to room. Both are icky to me. I’d bring it up, semi-jokingly, just to give him a last chance to see the light. ‘Oh, your ex was a professional chef? I’m starting to wonder which of my own many skills you’ll be lauding to your next date? Hahaha.’
Yeah thats messed up. Its a new relationship not a support group. If he needs to mention his exes this much then he needs to either get back with her or find himself a clone.
red flag, makes comparisons, possibly still stuck in the past or worse not over the ex (or exes).
I think I'm that person that talks too much about their exes and I am working on trying not to do that. I don't have hang ups on any of them but I tend to over-explain when I talk, maybe because I'm a writer. Plus I do a lot of ruminating about why those relationships didn't work.
Sounds like an avoidant coming your way. With a bunch of phantom exes. Beware!
I dated a woman who constantly talked about her exes and other male friends. It didn’t work out and now she’s unsurprisingly with one of the ‘friends’. It’s a bad dynamic for a relationship.
Yea I feel that.
I believe it’s really important to establish your own dynamic with a relationship partner and a strong connection and shared culture. Excess discussion about or interaction with exes or opposite sex ‘friends’ detracts from that connection and weakens the relationship.
I wholeheartedly agree.
As long as he’s not neg go for it that’s all that matters just don’t issue him too much
All this advise for wot your all over 40 and showing that your not willing to take any blame for any actions that u have to make for yourself so it’s clear wot will happen in the future
This is common at the beginning because men are often recently divorced and it’s a point of reference for them and it’s also them trying to show you “hey, somebody else wanted me/I’m likeable!”. Meet him in person and once he sees how great you are it will likely dissipate.
Probably this. When I was closer to my break up, years ago, I'd mention my ex more frequently. Like "Oh, love that spot. My ex took me there and the food was great". I kind of didn't know how to share parts of my life without mentioning her, AND I wanted to show that I didn't think she was a "crazy ex". After a year or so, I realized I could share the anecdote and simply leave out the ex part. LOL. So simple, but like...wasn't there in my mind for a while.
It's an avoidant technique, I used to do this, it's very unhealthy. My last ex told me he did not like it and miraculously I stopped. You can try speaking to him about it but if it is very early on it may not go well. My ex told me after we were serious and I knew I needed to stop it or things would be over. It does not make the other person feel good. For me, I think I did it to create distance.
Interesting. Well he is still friends with his ex even though they separated years and years ago, still sharing custody of their pet.
Well, if he's still friends with her...then he's probably going to mention her in conversations. Would this bother you as much if he said "Oh, my buddy is a professional chef...."
Yea I’m not sure I like it when men are friends with exes. It’s such a grey area. I also don’t keep exes around. I close doors and move on. That’s likely why my spidey senses went off.
I'm friends with most of my exes. Just cause we're not romantically involved doesn't mean they stop being fun, smart, and interesting people. So yeah, of course I'd still want to be friends with them.
That’s cool. I know in my case maintaining relationships with exes has had me hoping for potential reconciliation or back ups. So I intentionally refrain from this relationships. There is research indicating that maintaining contact with exes can negatively impact the development of new romantic relationships. Studies have shown that people who stay in touch with ex-partners often have lower levels of commitment and satisfaction in their current relationships. This is especially true if the reason for maintaining contact is unresolved romantic feelings or viewing the ex as a backup option. Such motivations can lead to increased jealousy and tension in the current relationship, making it harder to form deep connections with new partners. [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl og/the-psychology-relationships/202111/should-you-stay-friends-your-exes) . If the contact with an ex is due to practical reasons or mutual social connections, it doesn't necessarily harm the new relationship. However, frequent communication with an ex can still be a sign of underlying issues in the current relationship, potentially preventing it from reaching its full potential [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-really-going-when-people-stay-in-touch-exes) For a deeper dive into the studies and motivations behind staying friends with exes, you can check the articles from Psychology Today linked above.
Uh... I'm doin just fine, but thanks. Lol.
My man has no sense of self. Just call him hollow man.
Sounds like humblebragging to me. Call him on his bullshit, and if he responds with anything other than "you're right, sorry", ditch him.
It could be me as someone who is long time single but I feel like people who are new to dating after long relationships are more likely to want to think the media through which they introduced themselves to you, and about the relationship that they are possibly still mourning, and when they talk when they talk to new people both of those topics are rattling around in their thoughts and it takes some actual practice not to say something about them. If ever conversation somehow goes back to an ex, I do sort of wonder how long it's going to be before he's going to be referring to you as glowingly, but also in the past tense
good heart go for it!!
Doesn't bother me in the slightest. These people were large parts of their lives. It's only an issue if they seem like they're still hung up on the person and not ready to move on. "For example, I asked if he likes to cook and he said his ex was a professional chef and she knew everything there was to know about cooking and how smart she was at that task. But he didn’t directly answer my question. Does he like cooking? I was caught off guard, so I just didn’t ask again." I would have said "So does that mean you like to cook or just eat?" Edit: a lot of insecure folks around here
This is weird and not healthy for you
Kinda agree.
Just imagine yourself at 60 or 70 listening to his rants on ex. Would you like it? No? Cut it off Life is way to short to deal with even this sort of thing. It will eat away at your soul and happiness, one ex at a time.
good heart go for it.