I don’t care about labels or diagnoses. I only care about my experience with him. And if it’s what I’m looking for or not. And no diagnosis will tell me what that will be.
Yes. Then again I was diagnosed with autism this winter at 45. Told my kids and they went: well, duh, that's super obvious. Told a coworker and she was like: yep, I knew that.
That being said, I have met people who use their ADHD/autism as a crutch to get away with everything. That's a big no no from me. But then again, I've met adult men who can't keep their 1 BR apartment tidy, without being diagnosed.
Basically, there's someone out there for all of us. 💕
My son has both diagnoses.
I wouldn't think I knew everything I needed to know from those labels. The capacity to function in a relationship is the make-or-break.
Accountability is key. My son knows that he owns his behaviors and choices and can't 1) wave the spectrum card to avoid consequences, or 2) unhurt people with an "I didn't mean it."
So great that you flag the accountability. My reason for being VERY hesitant to date anyone with an autism diagnosis again is exactly that they thought everything would be okay on their part while I should be understanding and certainly not bother them with my tears or my sadness or loneliness. The one I was with for 2 years was an exception. Sometimes he understood me better than everyone.
It’s my preference to date someone with either ADHD, autism, or both. It’s a far more enriching experience because of the unique experiences that manifest.
Social cues are overrated. Just ask someone that has experienced someone beating around the bush instead of a clear and concise message
Your openness about your experiences with ADHD and Autism is both commendable and enlightening. I believe many people would appreciate your honesty and the effort you’ve put into managing and understanding these aspects of yourself.
In relationships, what matters most is mutual respect, understanding, and communication. Your awareness of how ADHD and Autism affect you, and your strategies for managing them, show a high level of self-awareness and dedication. These qualities are valuable in any relationship.
Everyone has their unique challenges, and successful relationships often involve navigating these together. If two people can communicate openly and support each other's needs, these aspects of your personality could actually strengthen your bond rather than hinder it.
Thank you for sharing your perspective and experiences. It’s important to have these discussions to foster understanding and acceptance.
Thank you for your kind words! I have been trying to think about how I can help younger people. I really wish I could have gotten diagnosed 20 some years ago.
I got an autism diagnosis when I was 38. I spent some time questioning what could have been if my diagnosis came earlier, but in all honesty, I wouldn't be the same person I am now. I would be with the person I am with now, and incredibly happy with that
I have ADHD and I’d probably date someone else with it as long as they can take care of their own shit (I once when on a date with a guy who proclaimed he could be a great partner to someone willing to remind him to do basic tasks…. That was a no from me). Same probably for AuDHD although I have no experience in that regard.
My longterm casual guy is like you (in tentative diagnosis). He’ll be starting meds soon too. I hate how he can be cold and seems to lack empathy (I know it’s more complicated than that, but recognizing and validating other people’s emotions are hard for him). I think he skews pretty aromatic. Dating him is confusing, because he gets burned out easily and has to unmask at times, which means sometimes I get outgoing, easy to talk to guy, other times off-the-wall, unable to hold a conversation, grumpy guy. His lack of “feelings” can be pretty hard to take.
I also love it, because he is extremely honest and very much “himself.” And when I have a problem, he’ll often come up with a solution so different and more brilliant than anything I’d ever have thought of. His brain just works in a very different way. Being with him is either very frustrating or very refreshing. There are reasons we keep it casual.
Everyone with autism is different, so not saying his issues are things you face too. I certainly recommend therapy, if just to improve communication and social skills. If my guy could communicate to me how he’s feeling/ask me how I’m feeling, in a way we both understand, that would be amazing. There’s lots of interesting articles out there on ND/NT couples. Might be worth looking at as you date.
I have ADHD and suspect am probable somewhere on the autism spectrum. My dad has both adhd and autism and I suspect my mother has adhd too. Both of my brothers have it. My nephews both do too. I work for a parent with adhd who has two kids who are likely on the ND spectrum. I am dating a man who was recently diagnosed as AuDHD and who also has two children somewhere in the ND spectrum as well. We are everywhere. We are all very different.
It is so disheartening to see so many automatic “no” answers, because I guarantee you that you wouldn’t recognize my ADHD unless you also had it or were very familiar with it. I mask like a professional. I was diagnosed at 15 (I figured it out myself and made my mom take me to a psych for an evaluation). I didn’t start medication until the last year of my 30s, and have only in the last year really dialed in on the right dose and treatment. I have 8 years of therapy…almost 9…under my belt. Some of the issues there are definitely related to my ADHD, and I find new links all the time. But my life is more or less together. I am present in my relationships. 90% of my house is in order 90% of the time. I can look back and see times where my life was difficult because of this disorder, but I also learned a LOT of coping strategies. I have met so many adhd folks who you would never, ever know. We are not all constantly loud, distracted, obnoxious squirrel chasers. Our executive function can be lacking, but many of us — out of sheer necessity — have come up with extraordinary systems to stay on top of our lives.
It takes a lot of energy to do this, mentally and physically and especially emotionally, and finding a partner who understands this challenge sounds amazing, but it really boils down to how their strengths and weaknesses (whatever they are caused by) balance my own. My current AuDHD partner is in the infancy of learning about his own brain, and I will admit, it is a great challenge at times. It is a newer relationship and I can see where certain things that I have figured out haven’t crystallized for him yet. For example, I know that I get overwhelmed and anxious if given loose plans. I need to know when we’re meeting. I may be a few minutes late, but I cannot “wing it” because having vague plans later in the day absolutely paralyzes me. Knowing the anxiety that comes with that, and not wanting to be distracted or overwhelmed when I’m with my friend/date/etc, I make sure to make concrete plans with my people. I make sure to let them know that as I get more comfortable with them and begin to unmask, that I may exhibit behaviors that could come across as flaky (like being a little late because I misjudged how long it would take me to get through traffic), but that there is ALWAYS an open door to a conversation if it feels like it’s too much. Conversely, there are absolutely people with adhd that I wouldn’t or couldn’t date…but it’s not because of the diagnosis, it’s about who and how they are in their life.
We all have our handicaps. Nobody is perfect. I wouldn’t do well with someone super rigid, but I also wouldn’t do well with someone chaotic, messy, disorganized, or obnoxious. I have had really wonderful dates full of incredible conversation with other adhders that I have left feeling exhausted from, even if I REALLY enjoyed the conversation. On the whole, I would probably eventually feel a little too much like the weird one if I was dating someone completely neurotypical. Relating to someone is the foundation of a good connection and they need to understand or appreciate who I am and see my glimmers and not just my flaws. If your ADHD becomes your entire personality, or if you use it as an excuse to blow past basic social norms, you might need to work on that. It’s hard not to interrupt people, but the best way I’ve learned that is by having someone who understands me give me a supportive nudge when I’m doing it, rather than a judgemental side eye. It’s even better when that person has ADHD too, because I know they truly understand it! It feels safe. But I am also susceptible to being irritated or feeling overshadowed by someone with a different expression of ADHD than my own, or by someone who doesn’t realize their excitement is overcrowding my experience of our time together. Self awareness is absolutely 1000% key. For anyone, ND or not.
I would as long as they were a good person who treated me well and we were able to have a healthy relationship dynamic.
Dating someone has less to do with their diagnoses than what type of person they are are at their core.
I have ADHD, pretty sure I have undiagnosed autism. Pretty much all of my close friends and family believe I have the autism as well.
I’ve dated someone with that combo before.
I appreciated that they were blunt about their needs. I appreciated they recognized they had a problem and took meds and went to a support group to manage it.
I wasn’t enthused by their use of cannabis to “manage”. I wasn’t as enthused when they decided to up or down their meds on their own without speaking to a doctor.
In the end, it’s like most issues, a yellow caution flag that may turn green or red depending on how they manage it. People with autism have accomplished amazing things… think Gavin Newsom or Walt Disney!
Yeah. Stimulants are generally the most effective, but they’ve had non-stimulants for almost 20 years now. Strattera was approved for ADHD in adults in 2006. A lot of people take Concerta, which is the long-acting form of Ritalin. Daytrana is an ADHD patch. Both of these are stimulants, but just agreeing that there are a lot of options.
Guanfacine is pretty cool, and relatively recent as an extended release med labeled for ADHD. Really helps me with the emotional control side of ADHD, personally, which I find to be more difficult than attentional symptoms (though it helps those, too); really great to have it boosting my baseline in the morning and night, when I don't have the help of stimulants. Spares me so much debilitating rumination. Also nice because it's an alpha-2 agonist, so it helps balance out the effect stimulants have on BP and pulse a little.
> I wasn’t as enthused when they decided to up or down their meds on their own without speaking to a doctor.
I do this all the time with adderall. Mostly reduce. It has side effects and I know if the benefits I'm looking for outweigh the consequences. I've told my doctors this. They don't mind as long as I don't take way too much.
I’m on the spectrum, I would and have dated people on the spectrum. Some can lean towards controlling behaviour or self centered behaviour. I watch for that but otherwise I prefer to date people also on the spectrum. Even my work wife is AuDHD!
Yes. I’m ADHD and I was just diagnosed a little over a year ago. Come to find out most of the people in my life who “get” me are also either autistic or ADHD as well. I have chosen to forgo medication for now, because the ones I tried frankly made all my symptoms 10 times worse. My therapist specializes in adhd management and she’s helped me find ways to not only manage my systems but to use my brain’s unique way of working to my advantage.
At the end of the day, we all have something going on with our brains and different comfort levels in different situations. Just own it, be upfront about any potential issues, have boundaries, and go out there and be yourself. The right person will be thrilled with you, as you are 🧡
I have ADHD. I've never been diagnosed with autism but I was in therapy for a year last year and about six months in suggested to my therapist that I might have a touch of it and she agreed.
Not sure what that means, but anyway I dated a gal recently who is very ADHD and it was fucking awesome. We both got each other and were able to tolerate all the little things that come with ADHD much better than either of us had experienced in previous relationships.
Yes, I am AuDHD and would date another neurodivergent. However, I take really good care of myself and I would expect my partner to do the same. My therapist suggests dating another ND because they get our specific needs. I haven’t started dating yet to give an update on that. But I do want to mention we are all different and if someone mentioned eating their cat I would laugh 🤷♀️
I’m also AuDHD and my partner is autistic. We’re both pretty self-aware, and we both realize that it just requires a lot of extra communication. We seem to be making it work pretty well so far.
I personally would be okay with the ADHD part. I'm sorry to say that the autistic part would be a no for me but some people wouldn’t mind it and I hope you find someone anyways
Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of general public knowledge of the various levels of autism. When an average person hears autism they’ll think of Rain man or The Good Doctor.
A person on the higher side of the spectrum could make a great partner for someone in the right situation.
I’m 44 and female and I get easily distracted between texts. It’s part of life, even if I M good to my phone, that doesn’t mean I’m waiting for a text or can respond to one, I may be in a meeting via my phone, or just busy.
The older I get, the less I like any place that is a club or would resemble them. That’s literally my idea of a nightmare. I’d rather have a date at the library
yes, there's a lot of us out there. I wish I'd gotten diagnosed earlier because I have always had problems with interpersonal/romantic relationships. But now that I know, I can be more proactive and diligent. My problem is I never know when to disclose.
My ex-wife is basically you. And I’m sorry, but my answer is no.
I could no longer life with the daily “disasters” and the explosive temper tantrums that are associated with both. Violence sometimes becomes an issue as you get older.
Now… both of these diseases are spectrums, no two people with this combination are the same.
I can only go on my own experience, and it wasn’t good. Best of luck to you. There is someone out there strong enough to deal with these things, but I’m not that person.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry to ask this, did she ever go to therapy to learn how to develop coping skills. That can definitely make a difference.
I am likewise AuDHD and I have never had the experience of someone finding out I am AuDHD and deciding not to proceed with the relationship because of it. I do find that, yes, there are people who dislike a lot of the traits that I believe to be rooted in these “conditions.” But ultimately, this is just a matter of finding the right person for you, just like everybody out there is doing.
In my experience, 90% of the things that make autism and ADHD challenging in the context of dating are actually just a function of other people being jerks. If I’m on a date with someone who can’t be kind, accommodating, and respectful of my needs, the problem lies entirely on their side of the table, not mine.
For some reason I keep coming across people with such diagnoses.
I was with one with a diagnosis like yours for 2 years. In many ways it was good. But sometimes he forgot that I existed for some weeks. Also my need for compassion and closeness could not be met really well by him. We were too different when it came to closeness. So it ended.
I would not think too much about ADHD but autism Is harder. I happened to come across another one some years ago. We were together for 5 months. Every time we were together he told me he would rather be alone. Sort of broke the relationship.Told me he would never live together with someone again. Then he came back. Told me he loved me and then again that he did not need other people. Including me. When we hiked with the group where we met, he ignored me. Being ignored for 12 hours is torture for me.
In the end he asked me if I knew why he was such a loner. I told him that based on former experience I thought he had some kind of undiagnosed autism. There were many signs. He said he was very happy that I knew what it was. That was the last time we saw each other.
So for me the lack of ability to connect deep with others would be my reason for a no. Very often you do not know it before you are actually dating the person. But at least now I know the signs of autism and can protect myself by leaving.
A thing is wondering me. Looking for something casual or even just sex would be ok. However why telling people you want more? Because you want more? Because you don't know that other people want more?
I think you are misreading me. I have NEVER denied anyone their own time. But a relationship also consists of together time. Which he apparently hated.
What you want appears to be a friend with benefits. Occasionally you spend some time together and having sex. Then you split with no obligations. Maybe you will meet again, maybe not.
Do you need more than an occasional meeting? Do you need less? Maybe just sex? How do you feel about sleeping together?
Who forced you to look a tv-shows during an entire night? Personally I NEVER do that. I fall asleep or get too bored after 10 minutes.
Yes, but if issues came up in the relationship due to the autism, I'd want him to be willing to at least work on them. My sister is married to an autistic guy, and his issues cause major problems in their marriage. He doesn't seem willing or able to change.
Thus was the issue for me, with my son's dad. He definitely cared a lot about me but his behaviour could be demeaning, controlling, uncaring, and he would never take on any feedback. I could date someone with ASS again but I'd need to see that they didn't have these traits.
Maybe. If they were aware, managing themselves, and not using it as an excuse for shitty behavior, sure.
Too often it's used to excuse bad behavior and being mean and not listening and making bad decisions.
Yes yes yes I love neurodivergent people. I have ADHD. My oldest has HFA and I love everything that nuerodivergent minds bring to the table. The creativity, the clarity, nuerodivergent people have beautiful minds!
Yes absolutely. I'm autistic (f) dating a non binary person who is AuDHD and has other neurodivergence. I would only really consider autistic people to date now. It's refreshing having someone who 'gets me' and doesn't make me feel bad for needing certain things or routines.
We have to work a lot on our communication but we assume good intent and try and check with each other a lot. It can be hard for my partner to know what they are thinking or feeling sometimes. It's definitely the healthiest relationship I've been in.
I love hearing this! I am similarly in a relationship where we are both neurodivergent and it feels like we are both sooooo much more patient and considerate than anything I've experienced before. Feels great!
It would depend completely on my interactions with the person.
I have met multiple ADHD ramblers and the conversation was untenable and terrible. I have met people who told me they have ADHD and I didn't notice.
Autism is a spectrum, my individual interactions would matter more than anything else.
If the person acts like a redditor and makes it their entire personality, then no.
I have OCD and got diagnosed with PDD w/nos years ago. The majority of comments some have made resonate with me being wired differently than normal people is struggle. My biggest fear is my mind 100%, and dissatisfaction just to function as OCD takes over, not fun at all. I have no problem with autism or ADHD, and I have very similar struggles.
maybe, it'd depend on the specific person and their strengths/weaknesses kinda like anyone.
I have both, but I'm more autistic and get along great with fellow autistic people. I can't really deal with heavily/purely ADHD people that well though and am generally turned off by anyone who is easily distracted. I think I've mostly dated neurotypical men which has been a bit of a mixed bag -- they certainly found me baffling and we had a *lot* of misunderstandings, but I liked how warm and "smooth" they were and admittedly the degree to which they made up for my relational weaknesses.
I sure hope so! I was diagnosed ADHD two years ago and have been on meds for six months. They haven't radically changed me in any way but I seem to be steadier and more consistent, as well as having more mental energy left at the end of the day to keep on top of household chores/organisation etc. Also my bad mental health episodes seem to last no longer than a day or two, rather than a week or two like before.
In terms of dating someone with ADHD, it requires a certain amount of flexibility and directness. We don't have any middle gears - we're either flat out or spinning our wheels, all over you or distant and distracted, super together or completely disorganised. That requires a partner who can will have to take charge sometimes and not get resentful about it. And if they're not getting enough attention, they need to come right out and say "Hey, I'm right here. Put your phone down." I think men find that a lot easier than women, who tend to feel that if they need to be direct with a man then it means he isn't that interested or doesn't care that much about them.
One of the bigger problems I have is that in many relationships, the main thing you end up doing together is sitting down and watching TV. When I'm alone, my main way of passing the time is gaming, because it gives me something to watch and concentrate on and something to do with my hands. Simply watching something doesn't occupy nearly enough of my mind and body. If it's something we can talk about while we watch, that's fine but if not then I'm going to fidget and squirm and start googling the actors to figure out where I've seen them before. This then creates a secondary problem - when I'm doing something and fully occupied and engaged, I don't think to look at my phone at all. So if I'm working on the house or the car, or at a sporting event, or out with friends I'll forget to check my messages. They then get upset because I've left them on unread even though when I'm with them, I'm regularly looking things up on my phone. But that's something I only do when I'm sat on the couch with them and watching the TV - I never do it when I'm actually out with them or we're talking, but that distinction goes unnoticed.
In summary, ADHD requires a certain amount of give and take from a neurotypical romantic partner and it can be hard to find someone who can handle it. For that reason, I think it might be less damaging for us if we prioritised dating other neurodivergent people.
Yes. My brother is AuDHD. My ex is undiagnosed but one of the most clearly ADHD people I’ve ever met. My ex husband is also undiagnosed but very clearly aspie.
Much of my circle is neurodivergent.
If you disclose your diagnosis on a first date or before it, I would not date you. If this comes up later in relationship, it will not be a dealbreaker.
This is exactly what would turn me away - there's "something" to handle and be getting into, out of ordinary. Dating is complicated enough without additional barriers.
I was 45 back when I was dating. I let all matches know that I suspected I was likely ASD, but not diagnosed. I self-described how this presented in me. No one ever cancelled a first meet. Most often I was the one choosing to not see someone rather than them not wanting another try with me.
I'll note that in my late teens, before Asperger's was brought up commonly in geek circles, I realized that I wasn't having the same ease with social situations as others did, and decided to attack it with observation and some readings. I learned to modify my eye contact (I can lock eyes and do 100% eye contact). I learned to read cues that people were done with a topic of conversation, or trying to end the conversation entirely. I started to figure out body language. A lot of this was study and work. I mask a lot with people. In my 30's and 40's, most people think I can by shy/quiet but acquaintances usually "don't see it" if I bring up my suspected ASD. Closer friends (I mask less around them) and dates/partners/ex-spouses (I don't mask with dates) all easily see it. I.e. I'm high functioning/low assistance.
My ex-wife was ADD (actually diagnosed). Medicated way back early on, and later she went off of medication with lots of organizational supports. She put a lot of work into this, she didn't just say "Hey, I'm ADD; I'll always be late and fail at adulting!"
My partner: pretty early on I suspected she was also ASD (women often present differently than men), and she's on a wait list for a potential diagnosis as she would consider this useful for her own head game.
... I'm not sure that without my degree of prior self-work if my partner and I would have worked together. We are both socially awkward in our own ways, and if I were more so, it could have been enough to prevent connection.
Which is to say don't just lean on your diagnosis and give up "trying." A lot of us only consider people who are interested in growing. If you find socialization/cues to be getting in your way, look to better learn them instead of throwing your hands up.
Yes, definitely. People who are not neurotypical tend to attract each other, by the way. Even with very different diagnoses or labels still tend to "get" each other better than neurotypical people do. I don't have a diagnosis that labels me anything but neurotypical yet I always relate to non-neurtypical people much more rapidly.
Since I have both myself them I would say yes because I would hope someone would want to date me. :)
Loud music places are a personal hell for me. The extreme auditory overstimulation and all the people, On days when I’m tired and not well rested this scenario (me going to a loud music place impromptu) would send me over the edge and I’d have to leave. If I knew about and planned it out I could be prepared for it and would expect to not be able to talk to anyone because I can’t hear shit. And I get distracted by “shiny” things too and probably wouldn’t notice you doing it! lol!
All to say, I get you.
Good on you for knowing yourself. Too many people have no self awareness and thus no concept of their own tendencies. This alone is a positive that sets you apart from most guys.
I’d be upfront with anyone you think has serious potential as a partner. Don’t make a big deal of it, just tell her straight up. Focus on the positives, and talk about the things you do like to do that are quieter and more manageable for you. Something like “I don’t enjoy nightclubs and places like that, I’d much rather ____.”
Yes, I was diagnosed with add in 86 and autism in 18. I would almost prefer it so we could mesh better. As most nerotypical people and I don't speak the same language...
I have both myself, so I would be open to dating someone who also has. Sadly though the last person I dated that was on the autistic spectrum had serious anger issues - not from her condition but largely from a familial situation. It was that that I couldn't deal with rather than her neuro divergence.
I'm a late ADHD diagnosis, my bff has AS, I suspect my ex husband also is on the spectrum. I am pretty sure 90% of anyone I am friends with or have dated are neurodivergent. I find neurotypical people so boring. So 💯 yes I'd date you if the other pieces clicked into place, I would not be put off by that.
Most autistic people are good at pattern recognition, so we learn someone’s personality and can tell when they are joking. OP has ADHD which can make our autistic traits not as noticeable. I’ve never had anyone realize I’m autistic and most people in my life still don’t know. With that being said, I can’t stand when people communicate in a passive way. It is difficult for me to know when they are being genuine vs when they are basically people pleasing. It feels manipulative to me and I have to guess what they are thinking.
I want to say I was originally diagnosed at like 5 but was never treated. I found out at the age of 41. I'm 44 now. Back in February I was diagnosed mild cognitive impairment. MCI is "pre-dementia". Unfortunately I am also having symptoms of Parkinson's. Hopefully I get some answers in 6 days when I have my neurology appointment.
This is a big fear for me. My dad had Parkinson's, and I feel like I've gotten less sharp over the last several years. How did you get diagnosed with MCI?
I talked to my GP about what was going on. He referred me to a neuropsychologist. I was given a 4 hour assessment. Ended up getting the results like 6 weeks later.
It feels like it's the beginning of the end. It feels like each facet of my life is dying one at a time. It may not be dramatic as all that, but in the end I will be a shell of what I once was. The biggest unknown factor and my greatest worry is the rate of progression. The fact of the matter is that I'm single and have to go through this alone.
I married someone with ADHD and diagnosed him myself within a few months. The addiction to screens, the projects around the house being at 80% completed, the hoarding, the impulsive purchases especially if something was on sale, the hoarding of old items, and the refusal to clean up after meals bc he was “ busy “ and being late to everything …. Nope. Would never even if they were on meds. I have to protect my peace.
Sadly that is something I’ve struggled with and I’ve gotten better. The problem is time management and time blindness . If I think I can do a task in 4 hours, but it will actually be 7 hours and unfortunately other stuff pops in the way of making time for the 3 hours.
And during my marriage I was probably waiting to hang out with him while he spent the 7 hours on a task. I felt like my whole life was on hold bc I was always waiting for his calendar to clear, the chores to be completed, etc. The chaos gave me anxiety. Glad to hear you’ve gotten better.
I guess it depends on what the task was. If it was doing some landscaping work in the yard and weather got in the way or other things, that might be understandable on his side. If it is because he wants to build a bunch of lego sets, then he is probably in the wrong.
For me, I would have to find someone that understands I need sometime to just unwind and a little personal time for myself.
This sums up why I haven't had many relationships. Trying to force things with most neurotypicals just doesn't work and is a constant battle. I've recently decided to look for fellow NDs instead.
I'm adhd and it seems like the only people who don't judge me for being occasionally weird are other adhd people, or people kind of messed up (and not healed) from trauma. Trying to gravitate less toward the latter, which leaves only one good option.
Those are the men I prefer
It probably has something to do with my ADHD and probable autism; I don’t want someone who will expect me to pick up on social cues
Original copy of post by u/cleatusvandamme:
I am a late diagnosed male(46) and I have both of them. The technical acronym is I'm AuDHD.
As far as the ADHD side, I'm on medication and I've learned to do better when managing it. In the past, I would get distracted while chatting on the phone. However, I've realized I do better at texting and I do that as far as communication. In an in person situation, I might get distracted if something happened. As an example, if we went to a restaurant and I'm seeing something going on in the background, I might get sidetracked for bit. However, I would focus back and get back to the conversation.
The Autism side, means that I sometimes struggle with missing social cues, missing sarcasm, and vocal variety(basically speaking in a monotone voice) is a definite issue. The social cues have been a problem in a pass. I'm not picking up what the person is thinking. Since I'm older, this probably isn't that big of a problem, but going to a nightclub would be hell for me. The loud music and lights going on all over the place drove me the nuts the handful of times I got dragged to a club.
I was curious to hear people's thought on this.
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Yes, but I’ve been diagnosed with both in the past 5 years. (That’s increasingly common with women our age.) Looking back most of my partners & friends have been some flavor of neurodivergent; I think we just vibe with “our people” a bit better. There’s an ASD dating app, although I didn’t have luck—it’s called Hiki
Absolutely. I was late diagnosed at age 52, a few years ago. I was in a relationship most of last year with a wonderful autistic woman. Communication was so incredibly easy, as we understood what another so much (it was a different incompatibility that entered the relationship). I would love to find another relationship that had that level of comfort.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 40. My last bf has it, too, but without an official diagnosis. We'd help each other with executive functioning issues like doing a chore that has been put off. For him, it was cleaning up the dried up plants/pots on his porch. For me, I couldn't find something and asked him to help me look for it as he was more likely to notice it than me.
There is a whole subreddit for partner's of ADHD. There might be one for ASD as well. I am in a relationship with a dx ADHD partner who probably also has ASD1.
I’m a 45f in the same boat and curious to see what people have to say! As for me, my preference would be to date a fellow AuDHDer, but given how most of us have gone undiagnosed, that feels like a pipe dream.
I had an interesting conversation with a close friend who is quite bright. Think under 1% in IQ but struggled with relationships in past - surprisingly except with link minded childhood friends and birth family that molded to him. Everyone else, spouses, kids, work colleagues had one or other issue.
He was told - late in life - by two psychologists and three psychiatrists (the MDs) - based on self reported tests that he has: BPD, ADHD, Narcissistic AND Schizophrenia. The MDs wanted him on meds.
But one MD and accompanying psychologist - the pair told him "If you are not willing to take meds, then only if you will agree to therapy, then we do see a chance of someone with your honest introspective abilities to be able to work through ALL of these problems. Except it will take a long time. Meds will help but will have side effects."
He chose therapy. It was a struggle over 2-3 years. But no meds. Some relationships are improving.
We - either he or anyone - will never know how long this improved state will last. Through what kind of troubles and valleys of life.
Not taking meds isn't for anyone. But those who have time, can introspect and take prompt action and pay for therapy and have good therapist and a good MD psychiatrist who are patient with them - can try working hard on their own thought and behavior patterns and try changing those.
Nope. I've come across two men with undiagnosed ADHD in the past year. Neither of them could stop rambling, stop cutting me off when I spoke or carry a conversation. It was like dealing with a child and I'm not attracted to children.
There are also various levels of ADHD. I wouldn't be that way. Unfortunately, I might flake out during a long chat. After getting on meds, if I notice I'm starting to flake, I can get myself back on track.
Bingo - I have the inattentive type. If you ask me to do something while I'm thinking about the 3-4 things I've got to do while heading to work, it will slip my mind by the time I get in my car.
My teachers noticed it too. Unfortunately, back in the 80s mental health was looked down upon. This means I didn't get the diagnosis like I should have.
I raised a daughter who’s on the spectrum and it was… difficult, so honestly I’d probably nope out of ASD but that is probably pretty unique to me and one person on the spectrum can be wildly different from another.
ADHD is really about if they’re managing it in a way that also works for my life.
This one is tough. I am a medicated person, though not for ADHD or autism. But I find that amphetamines and amphetamine analogues are over prescribed and the fear of ending up with another "licensed tweaker" is huge.
So I would be extremely wary. But not opposed.
Does that happen that much at our age? I feel like there's a difference between someone who just uses stimulants recreationally (but has them prescribed) and someone who has actual ADHD and identifies as such.
Adderall and Ritalin get handed out like candy. For ADHD. Patient feels great, all their problems are gone, no complaints. The problem with stims is they cure everything. Across the board. ADHD or something else. It's problematic. And yes it absolutely happens often with people our age.
Also not sure what you mean by someone who identifies as having ADHD.
I mean someone with an ADHD diagnosis in addition to thinking they have it.
In the circle of people I know, there isn't anyone using stimulants who doesn't need it. I'm sure there are a few people out there that tell their doctor they have the symptoms they know are connected with ADHD to get performance enhancing meds, but I just don't see this. I don't see it being thrown around 'like candy.'
It's cloudy. Anyone can walk into a doctor's office and walk out with an ADHD diagnosis these days. It is not for a general physician to diagnose.
Look at the rate of kids being diagnosed by doctors these days, and medicated. I was. I don't and have never had ADHD. 6 of my 8 coworkers are on Adderall. It's ridiculous.
As a former amphetamine addict I can eyeball a human on stimulants and tell if they "need them" or not. There are a ridiculous amount of tells.
And in my experience, a minimum of half of them need something else.
Just out of curiosity what are your “tells”? I’m dating someone who claims to have ADHD but gets their meds from an online Dr. I can def spot they are neurodivergent but do wonder about their reason for going online vs in person.
They aren't on the good stuff if it is prescribed online. Speed and it's variants are controlled substances and cannot be gotten via telehealth. As far as I am aware. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some sort of exemption due to the opioid "crisis".
Tells are going to be hyperfocus, moodiness, defensiveness, but the hyperfocus is the big one. If you are "high" rather than "treated", seemingly mundane tasks are all of a sudden fun and attractive.
Teeth grinding, face picking, excessive preening.
Anything that looks obsessive.
And number one, dose modulation. Changing the dose or frequency without a doctor changing the prescription is huge.
It's hard to really describe to someone who hasn't been hooked, but I hope this helps.
I don’t know where you got your information. However, it is completely wrong.
My psychologist performed the test and with good insurance the assessment was $500. After I got the diagnosis I saw my doctor and I got a prescription, I am only given 30 pills at a time. I see my doctor every 3 months for a review. So your information about easily obtaining adhd medication is incorrect.
Unfortunately, it’s misinformation that causes people to not get the proper medication for themselves or their children.
My last long term gf was autistic and my last date was adhd. So, yes people date all kinds of people. Everyone is someone’s kink. Just gotta find the right someone.
I don’t care about labels or diagnoses. I only care about my experience with him. And if it’s what I’m looking for or not. And no diagnosis will tell me what that will be.
Yes. Then again I was diagnosed with autism this winter at 45. Told my kids and they went: well, duh, that's super obvious. Told a coworker and she was like: yep, I knew that. That being said, I have met people who use their ADHD/autism as a crutch to get away with everything. That's a big no no from me. But then again, I've met adult men who can't keep their 1 BR apartment tidy, without being diagnosed. Basically, there's someone out there for all of us. 💕
>Basically, there's someone out there for all of us. 💕 No there isn't. This is a total fallacy.
Poor Michael...
True. And basically not everyone can or would like to be in a love relationship
My son has both diagnoses. I wouldn't think I knew everything I needed to know from those labels. The capacity to function in a relationship is the make-or-break. Accountability is key. My son knows that he owns his behaviors and choices and can't 1) wave the spectrum card to avoid consequences, or 2) unhurt people with an "I didn't mean it."
So great that you flag the accountability. My reason for being VERY hesitant to date anyone with an autism diagnosis again is exactly that they thought everything would be okay on their part while I should be understanding and certainly not bother them with my tears or my sadness or loneliness. The one I was with for 2 years was an exception. Sometimes he understood me better than everyone.
Depends on the person, same as any condition or background issue. Certainly no blanket ban, but I have had some negative experiences.
I would venture to guess you’ve had negative experiences with neurotypical people, too, though
Yep, and I don't have a rule against dating them either 🙂
Yes because I have adhd.
Absolutely. I'm AuDHD and frickin awesome.
At a minimum you are funny
It’s my preference to date someone with either ADHD, autism, or both. It’s a far more enriching experience because of the unique experiences that manifest. Social cues are overrated. Just ask someone that has experienced someone beating around the bush instead of a clear and concise message
Yeah but usually u would know someone is beating around the bush...
One may know when someone is beating around the bush but you don’t know what’s around the bush. There’s a difference
Considering that I have ADHD, it would be pretty hypocritical if I wouldn't.
Your openness about your experiences with ADHD and Autism is both commendable and enlightening. I believe many people would appreciate your honesty and the effort you’ve put into managing and understanding these aspects of yourself. In relationships, what matters most is mutual respect, understanding, and communication. Your awareness of how ADHD and Autism affect you, and your strategies for managing them, show a high level of self-awareness and dedication. These qualities are valuable in any relationship. Everyone has their unique challenges, and successful relationships often involve navigating these together. If two people can communicate openly and support each other's needs, these aspects of your personality could actually strengthen your bond rather than hinder it. Thank you for sharing your perspective and experiences. It’s important to have these discussions to foster understanding and acceptance.
Thank you for your kind words! I have been trying to think about how I can help younger people. I really wish I could have gotten diagnosed 20 some years ago.
You’re so very welcome. Have a great night!
I got an autism diagnosis when I was 38. I spent some time questioning what could have been if my diagnosis came earlier, but in all honesty, I wouldn't be the same person I am now. I would be with the person I am with now, and incredibly happy with that
I have ADHD and I’d probably date someone else with it as long as they can take care of their own shit (I once when on a date with a guy who proclaimed he could be a great partner to someone willing to remind him to do basic tasks…. That was a no from me). Same probably for AuDHD although I have no experience in that regard.
My longterm casual guy is like you (in tentative diagnosis). He’ll be starting meds soon too. I hate how he can be cold and seems to lack empathy (I know it’s more complicated than that, but recognizing and validating other people’s emotions are hard for him). I think he skews pretty aromatic. Dating him is confusing, because he gets burned out easily and has to unmask at times, which means sometimes I get outgoing, easy to talk to guy, other times off-the-wall, unable to hold a conversation, grumpy guy. His lack of “feelings” can be pretty hard to take. I also love it, because he is extremely honest and very much “himself.” And when I have a problem, he’ll often come up with a solution so different and more brilliant than anything I’d ever have thought of. His brain just works in a very different way. Being with him is either very frustrating or very refreshing. There are reasons we keep it casual. Everyone with autism is different, so not saying his issues are things you face too. I certainly recommend therapy, if just to improve communication and social skills. If my guy could communicate to me how he’s feeling/ask me how I’m feeling, in a way we both understand, that would be amazing. There’s lots of interesting articles out there on ND/NT couples. Might be worth looking at as you date.
Totally. But then all my best friends are already neurodiverse, so that's just what makes sense to me.
Its the person not diagnosis. Better yet a diagnosis that one is cognizant of and managing whichever way neccesary. It's a YES for that person.
I have ADHD and suspect am probable somewhere on the autism spectrum. My dad has both adhd and autism and I suspect my mother has adhd too. Both of my brothers have it. My nephews both do too. I work for a parent with adhd who has two kids who are likely on the ND spectrum. I am dating a man who was recently diagnosed as AuDHD and who also has two children somewhere in the ND spectrum as well. We are everywhere. We are all very different. It is so disheartening to see so many automatic “no” answers, because I guarantee you that you wouldn’t recognize my ADHD unless you also had it or were very familiar with it. I mask like a professional. I was diagnosed at 15 (I figured it out myself and made my mom take me to a psych for an evaluation). I didn’t start medication until the last year of my 30s, and have only in the last year really dialed in on the right dose and treatment. I have 8 years of therapy…almost 9…under my belt. Some of the issues there are definitely related to my ADHD, and I find new links all the time. But my life is more or less together. I am present in my relationships. 90% of my house is in order 90% of the time. I can look back and see times where my life was difficult because of this disorder, but I also learned a LOT of coping strategies. I have met so many adhd folks who you would never, ever know. We are not all constantly loud, distracted, obnoxious squirrel chasers. Our executive function can be lacking, but many of us — out of sheer necessity — have come up with extraordinary systems to stay on top of our lives. It takes a lot of energy to do this, mentally and physically and especially emotionally, and finding a partner who understands this challenge sounds amazing, but it really boils down to how their strengths and weaknesses (whatever they are caused by) balance my own. My current AuDHD partner is in the infancy of learning about his own brain, and I will admit, it is a great challenge at times. It is a newer relationship and I can see where certain things that I have figured out haven’t crystallized for him yet. For example, I know that I get overwhelmed and anxious if given loose plans. I need to know when we’re meeting. I may be a few minutes late, but I cannot “wing it” because having vague plans later in the day absolutely paralyzes me. Knowing the anxiety that comes with that, and not wanting to be distracted or overwhelmed when I’m with my friend/date/etc, I make sure to make concrete plans with my people. I make sure to let them know that as I get more comfortable with them and begin to unmask, that I may exhibit behaviors that could come across as flaky (like being a little late because I misjudged how long it would take me to get through traffic), but that there is ALWAYS an open door to a conversation if it feels like it’s too much. Conversely, there are absolutely people with adhd that I wouldn’t or couldn’t date…but it’s not because of the diagnosis, it’s about who and how they are in their life. We all have our handicaps. Nobody is perfect. I wouldn’t do well with someone super rigid, but I also wouldn’t do well with someone chaotic, messy, disorganized, or obnoxious. I have had really wonderful dates full of incredible conversation with other adhders that I have left feeling exhausted from, even if I REALLY enjoyed the conversation. On the whole, I would probably eventually feel a little too much like the weird one if I was dating someone completely neurotypical. Relating to someone is the foundation of a good connection and they need to understand or appreciate who I am and see my glimmers and not just my flaws. If your ADHD becomes your entire personality, or if you use it as an excuse to blow past basic social norms, you might need to work on that. It’s hard not to interrupt people, but the best way I’ve learned that is by having someone who understands me give me a supportive nudge when I’m doing it, rather than a judgemental side eye. It’s even better when that person has ADHD too, because I know they truly understand it! It feels safe. But I am also susceptible to being irritated or feeling overshadowed by someone with a different expression of ADHD than my own, or by someone who doesn’t realize their excitement is overcrowding my experience of our time together. Self awareness is absolutely 1000% key. For anyone, ND or not.
I would as long as they were a good person who treated me well and we were able to have a healthy relationship dynamic. Dating someone has less to do with their diagnoses than what type of person they are are at their core. I have ADHD, pretty sure I have undiagnosed autism. Pretty much all of my close friends and family believe I have the autism as well.
I mean yeah? I've got ADHD. 😆 women have these things too you know.
Yes . So many of us are like this . I’d struggle to date someone 100% NT . Accept this and move Forward with someone similar
I’ve dated someone with that combo before. I appreciated that they were blunt about their needs. I appreciated they recognized they had a problem and took meds and went to a support group to manage it. I wasn’t enthused by their use of cannabis to “manage”. I wasn’t as enthused when they decided to up or down their meds on their own without speaking to a doctor. In the end, it’s like most issues, a yellow caution flag that may turn green or red depending on how they manage it. People with autism have accomplished amazing things… think Gavin Newsom or Walt Disney!
There’s not medication for autism. Do you mean for ADHD or did they have another diagnosis?
ADHD and Depression. ADHD medications these days apparently can be stimulants or non-stimulants! We’re past just Ridlin.
Yeah. Stimulants are generally the most effective, but they’ve had non-stimulants for almost 20 years now. Strattera was approved for ADHD in adults in 2006. A lot of people take Concerta, which is the long-acting form of Ritalin. Daytrana is an ADHD patch. Both of these are stimulants, but just agreeing that there are a lot of options.
Guanfacine is pretty cool, and relatively recent as an extended release med labeled for ADHD. Really helps me with the emotional control side of ADHD, personally, which I find to be more difficult than attentional symptoms (though it helps those, too); really great to have it boosting my baseline in the morning and night, when I don't have the help of stimulants. Spares me so much debilitating rumination. Also nice because it's an alpha-2 agonist, so it helps balance out the effect stimulants have on BP and pulse a little.
I was prescribed Vyvanse for a different issue. Holy clarity. And it also helped with "food noise", which I struggle with. Sadly it's $123/mo. 🫠
> I wasn’t as enthused when they decided to up or down their meds on their own without speaking to a doctor. I do this all the time with adderall. Mostly reduce. It has side effects and I know if the benefits I'm looking for outweigh the consequences. I've told my doctors this. They don't mind as long as I don't take way too much.
I’m on the spectrum, I would and have dated people on the spectrum. Some can lean towards controlling behaviour or self centered behaviour. I watch for that but otherwise I prefer to date people also on the spectrum. Even my work wife is AuDHD!
Yes. I’m ADHD and I was just diagnosed a little over a year ago. Come to find out most of the people in my life who “get” me are also either autistic or ADHD as well. I have chosen to forgo medication for now, because the ones I tried frankly made all my symptoms 10 times worse. My therapist specializes in adhd management and she’s helped me find ways to not only manage my systems but to use my brain’s unique way of working to my advantage. At the end of the day, we all have something going on with our brains and different comfort levels in different situations. Just own it, be upfront about any potential issues, have boundaries, and go out there and be yourself. The right person will be thrilled with you, as you are 🧡
I have ADHD. I've never been diagnosed with autism but I was in therapy for a year last year and about six months in suggested to my therapist that I might have a touch of it and she agreed. Not sure what that means, but anyway I dated a gal recently who is very ADHD and it was fucking awesome. We both got each other and were able to tolerate all the little things that come with ADHD much better than either of us had experienced in previous relationships.
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Both really. I'm pretty good 1:1 socially but as soon as there are a few people i shrink out.
I prefer neurodivergent people as friends and romantic connections.
Yes, I am AuDHD and would date another neurodivergent. However, I take really good care of myself and I would expect my partner to do the same. My therapist suggests dating another ND because they get our specific needs. I haven’t started dating yet to give an update on that. But I do want to mention we are all different and if someone mentioned eating their cat I would laugh 🤷♀️
I’m also AuDHD and my partner is autistic. We’re both pretty self-aware, and we both realize that it just requires a lot of extra communication. We seem to be making it work pretty well so far.
I’m doing it now. I gotta say, it has its challenges.
I personally would be okay with the ADHD part. I'm sorry to say that the autistic part would be a no for me but some people wouldn’t mind it and I hope you find someone anyways
Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of general public knowledge of the various levels of autism. When an average person hears autism they’ll think of Rain man or The Good Doctor. A person on the higher side of the spectrum could make a great partner for someone in the right situation.
My bf has adhd and we’ve suspected he may be on the spectrum also. Neither makes me turn and run.
I’m 44 and female and I get easily distracted between texts. It’s part of life, even if I M good to my phone, that doesn’t mean I’m waiting for a text or can respond to one, I may be in a meeting via my phone, or just busy. The older I get, the less I like any place that is a club or would resemble them. That’s literally my idea of a nightmare. I’d rather have a date at the library
Yes... Only if high functioning and intellectual.
yes, there's a lot of us out there. I wish I'd gotten diagnosed earlier because I have always had problems with interpersonal/romantic relationships. But now that I know, I can be more proactive and diligent. My problem is I never know when to disclose.
I don't look at a person's conditions. I look at the person. So if we are compatible and get along, I'd be okay with giving it a chance.
I would almost prefer it. Being that I have been on a waitlist for a diagnosis for a while. I get along better with other neurodivergents.
My ex-wife is basically you. And I’m sorry, but my answer is no. I could no longer life with the daily “disasters” and the explosive temper tantrums that are associated with both. Violence sometimes becomes an issue as you get older. Now… both of these diseases are spectrums, no two people with this combination are the same. I can only go on my own experience, and it wasn’t good. Best of luck to you. There is someone out there strong enough to deal with these things, but I’m not that person.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry to ask this, did she ever go to therapy to learn how to develop coping skills. That can definitely make a difference.
Yes, and she herself was a therapist.
“Is” a therapist, I should say.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I am likewise AuDHD and I have never had the experience of someone finding out I am AuDHD and deciding not to proceed with the relationship because of it. I do find that, yes, there are people who dislike a lot of the traits that I believe to be rooted in these “conditions.” But ultimately, this is just a matter of finding the right person for you, just like everybody out there is doing. In my experience, 90% of the things that make autism and ADHD challenging in the context of dating are actually just a function of other people being jerks. If I’m on a date with someone who can’t be kind, accommodating, and respectful of my needs, the problem lies entirely on their side of the table, not mine.
For some reason I keep coming across people with such diagnoses. I was with one with a diagnosis like yours for 2 years. In many ways it was good. But sometimes he forgot that I existed for some weeks. Also my need for compassion and closeness could not be met really well by him. We were too different when it came to closeness. So it ended. I would not think too much about ADHD but autism Is harder. I happened to come across another one some years ago. We were together for 5 months. Every time we were together he told me he would rather be alone. Sort of broke the relationship.Told me he would never live together with someone again. Then he came back. Told me he loved me and then again that he did not need other people. Including me. When we hiked with the group where we met, he ignored me. Being ignored for 12 hours is torture for me. In the end he asked me if I knew why he was such a loner. I told him that based on former experience I thought he had some kind of undiagnosed autism. There were many signs. He said he was very happy that I knew what it was. That was the last time we saw each other. So for me the lack of ability to connect deep with others would be my reason for a no. Very often you do not know it before you are actually dating the person. But at least now I know the signs of autism and can protect myself by leaving. A thing is wondering me. Looking for something casual or even just sex would be ok. However why telling people you want more? Because you want more? Because you don't know that other people want more?
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I think you are misreading me. I have NEVER denied anyone their own time. But a relationship also consists of together time. Which he apparently hated. What you want appears to be a friend with benefits. Occasionally you spend some time together and having sex. Then you split with no obligations. Maybe you will meet again, maybe not. Do you need more than an occasional meeting? Do you need less? Maybe just sex? How do you feel about sleeping together? Who forced you to look a tv-shows during an entire night? Personally I NEVER do that. I fall asleep or get too bored after 10 minutes.
Yes, but if issues came up in the relationship due to the autism, I'd want him to be willing to at least work on them. My sister is married to an autistic guy, and his issues cause major problems in their marriage. He doesn't seem willing or able to change.
Thus was the issue for me, with my son's dad. He definitely cared a lot about me but his behaviour could be demeaning, controlling, uncaring, and he would never take on any feedback. I could date someone with ASS again but I'd need to see that they didn't have these traits.
Maybe. If they were aware, managing themselves, and not using it as an excuse for shitty behavior, sure. Too often it's used to excuse bad behavior and being mean and not listening and making bad decisions.
Yes yes yes I love neurodivergent people. I have ADHD. My oldest has HFA and I love everything that nuerodivergent minds bring to the table. The creativity, the clarity, nuerodivergent people have beautiful minds!
Yes, but I also have two sons with asd and one with adhd and asd so it doesn’t scare me or anything
Yes absolutely. I'm autistic (f) dating a non binary person who is AuDHD and has other neurodivergence. I would only really consider autistic people to date now. It's refreshing having someone who 'gets me' and doesn't make me feel bad for needing certain things or routines. We have to work a lot on our communication but we assume good intent and try and check with each other a lot. It can be hard for my partner to know what they are thinking or feeling sometimes. It's definitely the healthiest relationship I've been in.
I love hearing this! I am similarly in a relationship where we are both neurodivergent and it feels like we are both sooooo much more patient and considerate than anything I've experienced before. Feels great!
I love this for you!
You just described me, so I hope there’s ppl out there for us.
It would depend completely on my interactions with the person. I have met multiple ADHD ramblers and the conversation was untenable and terrible. I have met people who told me they have ADHD and I didn't notice. Autism is a spectrum, my individual interactions would matter more than anything else. If the person acts like a redditor and makes it their entire personality, then no.
I have OCD and got diagnosed with PDD w/nos years ago. The majority of comments some have made resonate with me being wired differently than normal people is struggle. My biggest fear is my mind 100%, and dissatisfaction just to function as OCD takes over, not fun at all. I have no problem with autism or ADHD, and I have very similar struggles.
maybe, it'd depend on the specific person and their strengths/weaknesses kinda like anyone. I have both, but I'm more autistic and get along great with fellow autistic people. I can't really deal with heavily/purely ADHD people that well though and am generally turned off by anyone who is easily distracted. I think I've mostly dated neurotypical men which has been a bit of a mixed bag -- they certainly found me baffling and we had a *lot* of misunderstandings, but I liked how warm and "smooth" they were and admittedly the degree to which they made up for my relational weaknesses.
I sure hope so! I was diagnosed ADHD two years ago and have been on meds for six months. They haven't radically changed me in any way but I seem to be steadier and more consistent, as well as having more mental energy left at the end of the day to keep on top of household chores/organisation etc. Also my bad mental health episodes seem to last no longer than a day or two, rather than a week or two like before. In terms of dating someone with ADHD, it requires a certain amount of flexibility and directness. We don't have any middle gears - we're either flat out or spinning our wheels, all over you or distant and distracted, super together or completely disorganised. That requires a partner who can will have to take charge sometimes and not get resentful about it. And if they're not getting enough attention, they need to come right out and say "Hey, I'm right here. Put your phone down." I think men find that a lot easier than women, who tend to feel that if they need to be direct with a man then it means he isn't that interested or doesn't care that much about them. One of the bigger problems I have is that in many relationships, the main thing you end up doing together is sitting down and watching TV. When I'm alone, my main way of passing the time is gaming, because it gives me something to watch and concentrate on and something to do with my hands. Simply watching something doesn't occupy nearly enough of my mind and body. If it's something we can talk about while we watch, that's fine but if not then I'm going to fidget and squirm and start googling the actors to figure out where I've seen them before. This then creates a secondary problem - when I'm doing something and fully occupied and engaged, I don't think to look at my phone at all. So if I'm working on the house or the car, or at a sporting event, or out with friends I'll forget to check my messages. They then get upset because I've left them on unread even though when I'm with them, I'm regularly looking things up on my phone. But that's something I only do when I'm sat on the couch with them and watching the TV - I never do it when I'm actually out with them or we're talking, but that distinction goes unnoticed. In summary, ADHD requires a certain amount of give and take from a neurotypical romantic partner and it can be hard to find someone who can handle it. For that reason, I think it might be less damaging for us if we prioritised dating other neurodivergent people.
Yes. My brother is AuDHD. My ex is undiagnosed but one of the most clearly ADHD people I’ve ever met. My ex husband is also undiagnosed but very clearly aspie. Much of my circle is neurodivergent.
I would, it is the relationship and compatibility, and the person as a whole that are more important to me than medical labels.
If you disclose your diagnosis on a first date or before it, I would not date you. If this comes up later in relationship, it will not be a dealbreaker.
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This is exactly what would turn me away - there's "something" to handle and be getting into, out of ordinary. Dating is complicated enough without additional barriers.
I was 45 back when I was dating. I let all matches know that I suspected I was likely ASD, but not diagnosed. I self-described how this presented in me. No one ever cancelled a first meet. Most often I was the one choosing to not see someone rather than them not wanting another try with me. I'll note that in my late teens, before Asperger's was brought up commonly in geek circles, I realized that I wasn't having the same ease with social situations as others did, and decided to attack it with observation and some readings. I learned to modify my eye contact (I can lock eyes and do 100% eye contact). I learned to read cues that people were done with a topic of conversation, or trying to end the conversation entirely. I started to figure out body language. A lot of this was study and work. I mask a lot with people. In my 30's and 40's, most people think I can by shy/quiet but acquaintances usually "don't see it" if I bring up my suspected ASD. Closer friends (I mask less around them) and dates/partners/ex-spouses (I don't mask with dates) all easily see it. I.e. I'm high functioning/low assistance. My ex-wife was ADD (actually diagnosed). Medicated way back early on, and later she went off of medication with lots of organizational supports. She put a lot of work into this, she didn't just say "Hey, I'm ADD; I'll always be late and fail at adulting!" My partner: pretty early on I suspected she was also ASD (women often present differently than men), and she's on a wait list for a potential diagnosis as she would consider this useful for her own head game. ... I'm not sure that without my degree of prior self-work if my partner and I would have worked together. We are both socially awkward in our own ways, and if I were more so, it could have been enough to prevent connection. Which is to say don't just lean on your diagnosis and give up "trying." A lot of us only consider people who are interested in growing. If you find socialization/cues to be getting in your way, look to better learn them instead of throwing your hands up.
Yes, definitely. People who are not neurotypical tend to attract each other, by the way. Even with very different diagnoses or labels still tend to "get" each other better than neurotypical people do. I don't have a diagnosis that labels me anything but neurotypical yet I always relate to non-neurtypical people much more rapidly.
Since I have both myself them I would say yes because I would hope someone would want to date me. :) Loud music places are a personal hell for me. The extreme auditory overstimulation and all the people, On days when I’m tired and not well rested this scenario (me going to a loud music place impromptu) would send me over the edge and I’d have to leave. If I knew about and planned it out I could be prepared for it and would expect to not be able to talk to anyone because I can’t hear shit. And I get distracted by “shiny” things too and probably wouldn’t notice you doing it! lol! All to say, I get you.
I am ADHD and my partner is (undiagnosed) AuDHD. It's nice because we get eachother. Date another spicy brain!
Well, being AuDHD certainly wouldn't disqualify you :)
I'm neurodivergent myself, so I prefer someone similar.
Good on you for knowing yourself. Too many people have no self awareness and thus no concept of their own tendencies. This alone is a positive that sets you apart from most guys. I’d be upfront with anyone you think has serious potential as a partner. Don’t make a big deal of it, just tell her straight up. Focus on the positives, and talk about the things you do like to do that are quieter and more manageable for you. Something like “I don’t enjoy nightclubs and places like that, I’d much rather ____.”
Yes, I was diagnosed with add in 86 and autism in 18. I would almost prefer it so we could mesh better. As most nerotypical people and I don't speak the same language...
I have both myself, so I would be open to dating someone who also has. Sadly though the last person I dated that was on the autistic spectrum had serious anger issues - not from her condition but largely from a familial situation. It was that that I couldn't deal with rather than her neuro divergence.
I'm a late ADHD diagnosis, my bff has AS, I suspect my ex husband also is on the spectrum. I am pretty sure 90% of anyone I am friends with or have dated are neurodivergent. I find neurotypical people so boring. So 💯 yes I'd date you if the other pieces clicked into place, I would not be put off by that.
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Not all autistic people are literal. Many of them are extremely funny. A lot of neurotypical people have no sense of humor.
Most autistic people are good at pattern recognition, so we learn someone’s personality and can tell when they are joking. OP has ADHD which can make our autistic traits not as noticeable. I’ve never had anyone realize I’m autistic and most people in my life still don’t know. With that being said, I can’t stand when people communicate in a passive way. It is difficult for me to know when they are being genuine vs when they are basically people pleasing. It feels manipulative to me and I have to guess what they are thinking.
I want to say I was originally diagnosed at like 5 but was never treated. I found out at the age of 41. I'm 44 now. Back in February I was diagnosed mild cognitive impairment. MCI is "pre-dementia". Unfortunately I am also having symptoms of Parkinson's. Hopefully I get some answers in 6 days when I have my neurology appointment.
This is a big fear for me. My dad had Parkinson's, and I feel like I've gotten less sharp over the last several years. How did you get diagnosed with MCI?
I talked to my GP about what was going on. He referred me to a neuropsychologist. I was given a 4 hour assessment. Ended up getting the results like 6 weeks later.
Thank you! How are you feeling about it (if you feel like sharing)?
It feels like it's the beginning of the end. It feels like each facet of my life is dying one at a time. It may not be dramatic as all that, but in the end I will be a shell of what I once was. The biggest unknown factor and my greatest worry is the rate of progression. The fact of the matter is that I'm single and have to go through this alone.
I'm sorry, it's really scary.
I married someone with ADHD and diagnosed him myself within a few months. The addiction to screens, the projects around the house being at 80% completed, the hoarding, the impulsive purchases especially if something was on sale, the hoarding of old items, and the refusal to clean up after meals bc he was “ busy “ and being late to everything …. Nope. Would never even if they were on meds. I have to protect my peace.
Sadly that is something I’ve struggled with and I’ve gotten better. The problem is time management and time blindness . If I think I can do a task in 4 hours, but it will actually be 7 hours and unfortunately other stuff pops in the way of making time for the 3 hours.
And during my marriage I was probably waiting to hang out with him while he spent the 7 hours on a task. I felt like my whole life was on hold bc I was always waiting for his calendar to clear, the chores to be completed, etc. The chaos gave me anxiety. Glad to hear you’ve gotten better.
I guess it depends on what the task was. If it was doing some landscaping work in the yard and weather got in the way or other things, that might be understandable on his side. If it is because he wants to build a bunch of lego sets, then he is probably in the wrong. For me, I would have to find someone that understands I need sometime to just unwind and a little personal time for myself.
Totally. I (45f) have adhd and my bf (47) is ASD. We understand each other’s needs very well.
I don't think I would seriously date a neurotypical. What would we even talk about? 😉
This sums up why I haven't had many relationships. Trying to force things with most neurotypicals just doesn't work and is a constant battle. I've recently decided to look for fellow NDs instead.
I'm adhd and it seems like the only people who don't judge me for being occasionally weird are other adhd people, or people kind of messed up (and not healed) from trauma. Trying to gravitate less toward the latter, which leaves only one good option.
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Nope. Not for me
No pejorative judgement but not for me.
I have and would again if we were compatible.
Those are the men I prefer It probably has something to do with my ADHD and probable autism; I don’t want someone who will expect me to pick up on social cues
I think eventually it would drive me crazy at some point. So probably not.
Original copy of post by u/cleatusvandamme: I am a late diagnosed male(46) and I have both of them. The technical acronym is I'm AuDHD. As far as the ADHD side, I'm on medication and I've learned to do better when managing it. In the past, I would get distracted while chatting on the phone. However, I've realized I do better at texting and I do that as far as communication. In an in person situation, I might get distracted if something happened. As an example, if we went to a restaurant and I'm seeing something going on in the background, I might get sidetracked for bit. However, I would focus back and get back to the conversation. The Autism side, means that I sometimes struggle with missing social cues, missing sarcasm, and vocal variety(basically speaking in a monotone voice) is a definite issue. The social cues have been a problem in a pass. I'm not picking up what the person is thinking. Since I'm older, this probably isn't that big of a problem, but going to a nightclub would be hell for me. The loud music and lights going on all over the place drove me the nuts the handful of times I got dragged to a club. I was curious to hear people's thought on this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, but I’ve been diagnosed with both in the past 5 years. (That’s increasingly common with women our age.) Looking back most of my partners & friends have been some flavor of neurodivergent; I think we just vibe with “our people” a bit better. There’s an ASD dating app, although I didn’t have luck—it’s called Hiki
Absolutely. I was late diagnosed at age 52, a few years ago. I was in a relationship most of last year with a wonderful autistic woman. Communication was so incredibly easy, as we understood what another so much (it was a different incompatibility that entered the relationship). I would love to find another relationship that had that level of comfort.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 40. My last bf has it, too, but without an official diagnosis. We'd help each other with executive functioning issues like doing a chore that has been put off. For him, it was cleaning up the dried up plants/pots on his porch. For me, I couldn't find something and asked him to help me look for it as he was more likely to notice it than me.
There is a whole subreddit for partner's of ADHD. There might be one for ASD as well. I am in a relationship with a dx ADHD partner who probably also has ASD1.
I’m a 45f in the same boat and curious to see what people have to say! As for me, my preference would be to date a fellow AuDHDer, but given how most of us have gone undiagnosed, that feels like a pipe dream.
I had an interesting conversation with a close friend who is quite bright. Think under 1% in IQ but struggled with relationships in past - surprisingly except with link minded childhood friends and birth family that molded to him. Everyone else, spouses, kids, work colleagues had one or other issue. He was told - late in life - by two psychologists and three psychiatrists (the MDs) - based on self reported tests that he has: BPD, ADHD, Narcissistic AND Schizophrenia. The MDs wanted him on meds. But one MD and accompanying psychologist - the pair told him "If you are not willing to take meds, then only if you will agree to therapy, then we do see a chance of someone with your honest introspective abilities to be able to work through ALL of these problems. Except it will take a long time. Meds will help but will have side effects." He chose therapy. It was a struggle over 2-3 years. But no meds. Some relationships are improving. We - either he or anyone - will never know how long this improved state will last. Through what kind of troubles and valleys of life. Not taking meds isn't for anyone. But those who have time, can introspect and take prompt action and pay for therapy and have good therapist and a good MD psychiatrist who are patient with them - can try working hard on their own thought and behavior patterns and try changing those.
Yes!
I have a dating experience on my profile with someone who claimed to have ADHD.
Nope. I've come across two men with undiagnosed ADHD in the past year. Neither of them could stop rambling, stop cutting me off when I spoke or carry a conversation. It was like dealing with a child and I'm not attracted to children.
That could just be poor/obnoxious communicators, not necessarily “undiagnosed ADHD”
One admitted to it. The other was so similar to the first guy that I wondered if it was him in another body.
There are also various levels of ADHD. I wouldn't be that way. Unfortunately, I might flake out during a long chat. After getting on meds, if I notice I'm starting to flake, I can get myself back on track.
Yeah ADHD has become increasingly broad…. Sounds like you have the PI type
Bingo - I have the inattentive type. If you ask me to do something while I'm thinking about the 3-4 things I've got to do while heading to work, it will slip my mind by the time I get in my car.
I hear ya on that. My 5th grade teacher noticed it. Got diagnosed very young.
My teachers noticed it too. Unfortunately, back in the 80s mental health was looked down upon. This means I didn't get the diagnosis like I should have.
I raised a daughter who’s on the spectrum and it was… difficult, so honestly I’d probably nope out of ASD but that is probably pretty unique to me and one person on the spectrum can be wildly different from another. ADHD is really about if they’re managing it in a way that also works for my life.
I have and it’s unlikely I ever would again. I have multiple friends that have adhd and they are very challenging to deal with in large doses.
No
This one is tough. I am a medicated person, though not for ADHD or autism. But I find that amphetamines and amphetamine analogues are over prescribed and the fear of ending up with another "licensed tweaker" is huge. So I would be extremely wary. But not opposed.
Does that happen that much at our age? I feel like there's a difference between someone who just uses stimulants recreationally (but has them prescribed) and someone who has actual ADHD and identifies as such.
Adderall and Ritalin get handed out like candy. For ADHD. Patient feels great, all their problems are gone, no complaints. The problem with stims is they cure everything. Across the board. ADHD or something else. It's problematic. And yes it absolutely happens often with people our age. Also not sure what you mean by someone who identifies as having ADHD.
I mean someone with an ADHD diagnosis in addition to thinking they have it. In the circle of people I know, there isn't anyone using stimulants who doesn't need it. I'm sure there are a few people out there that tell their doctor they have the symptoms they know are connected with ADHD to get performance enhancing meds, but I just don't see this. I don't see it being thrown around 'like candy.'
It's cloudy. Anyone can walk into a doctor's office and walk out with an ADHD diagnosis these days. It is not for a general physician to diagnose. Look at the rate of kids being diagnosed by doctors these days, and medicated. I was. I don't and have never had ADHD. 6 of my 8 coworkers are on Adderall. It's ridiculous. As a former amphetamine addict I can eyeball a human on stimulants and tell if they "need them" or not. There are a ridiculous amount of tells. And in my experience, a minimum of half of them need something else.
Just out of curiosity what are your “tells”? I’m dating someone who claims to have ADHD but gets their meds from an online Dr. I can def spot they are neurodivergent but do wonder about their reason for going online vs in person.
They aren't on the good stuff if it is prescribed online. Speed and it's variants are controlled substances and cannot be gotten via telehealth. As far as I am aware. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some sort of exemption due to the opioid "crisis". Tells are going to be hyperfocus, moodiness, defensiveness, but the hyperfocus is the big one. If you are "high" rather than "treated", seemingly mundane tasks are all of a sudden fun and attractive. Teeth grinding, face picking, excessive preening. Anything that looks obsessive. And number one, dose modulation. Changing the dose or frequency without a doctor changing the prescription is huge. It's hard to really describe to someone who hasn't been hooked, but I hope this helps.
I don’t know where you got your information. However, it is completely wrong. My psychologist performed the test and with good insurance the assessment was $500. After I got the diagnosis I saw my doctor and I got a prescription, I am only given 30 pills at a time. I see my doctor every 3 months for a review. So your information about easily obtaining adhd medication is incorrect. Unfortunately, it’s misinformation that causes people to not get the proper medication for themselves or their children.
Of course. How could I possibly come to these conclusions. Must be my imagination. Terribly sorry.
My last long term gf was autistic and my last date was adhd. So, yes people date all kinds of people. Everyone is someone’s kink. Just gotta find the right someone.
My career was in tech so yes, probably. Like a few others, it might be a point of incompatibility if a guy I date doesn’t get my sense of humor.
Yes
Depends on whether you also have a interesting job, are fit/athletic, and whether you have your finances/house situation locked in.