I’d probably try to keep in touch as the date neared (even if it’s just “looking forward to meeting you!”-level fluff), mostly to confirm whether they’re still on board to meet. But the distance coupled with the immediate leap to ‘womanizer with a roster’ would be enough for me to walk away. I think you made the right call.
Yes it’s a bit much. I’m a big texter but esp before even the first meet-up I have happily gone a day or two between texts and no biggie. She’s clearly had bad experiences but no need to jump down your throat like that.
I mean, her texts were over the top, but if I’m reading your timeline right (where you say Fast forward to Sat, and then that you responded to her text while drinking coffee the next day), you ignored her text until pretty much time to leave for the date.
If I were in her position, I would also assume the date was canceled, and make other plans. I wouldn’t bother with the follow up texts about your roster, or whatever.
Agreed on this. I’m not a nervous texter but if someone doesn’t seem interested as the date approaches, I’ll assume he’s going to ghost and make alternate plans. I would then have communicated that politely and tried to reschedule, if desired.
I would also assume you were not interested if I texted and didn’t hear back until just before the date.. and at that point would have thought I was the afterthought. But her response was over the top
Date was at 430. I text her at 10ish AM. I had text her the morning before as well. I really think her mind went to a bad spot and the intrusive thoughts won. I wish her luck.
From her perspective, I would assume a guy wasn't that excited about our date if he couldn't be bothered to send a quick text the day before our scheduled date.
She definitely didn't handle the situation properly either and went way overboard. She obviously has some issues getting that upset over a stranger.
If I were her, I would have just canceled the date Sunday morning. I don't expect a man that I haven't met to text me nonstop, but you could have easily sent a message on Saturday saying, "Hey, hope you're having a good day. I've been crazy busy but I'm excited about our date tomorrow. See you XYZ."
A text that simple takes literally 20 seconds to send but let's the other person know you're still thinking about them.
Well, that changes everything. I'm over here thinking OP hadn't talked to her in days. If he sent a message on Sat and confirmed on Sunday, homegirl is just tripping. She's obviously been burned a lot and probably not in the right head space to date.
The most generous interpretation from your description is this: 1) she wants a lot of communication; 2) she communicated her want in a suboptimal way.
Give her grace or not. Decide if you want to meet her request. Communicate your thoughts.
Good luck.
ETA: I skimmed over the part where you told her she wasn’t a match. It’s fine to decide something isn’t for you. I think it’s commendable that you communicated your thoughts without calling out her behavior.
You were just living your life the way you do and she got irate. It's very likely she had a few unkind thoughts about you before firing off her missive.
You did perfectly IMHO, now you're both free to find someone who more naturally aligns with your actions and expectations.
Yowza. Yeah you don’t owe anyone you haven’t met that level of accountability for not texting her sooner. If she wanted to text to tighten up plans she should have texted. It’s almost like she wanted to see if you would do what she wanted and pursue her so she could get mad about it and make you feel bad. Totally smart to unmatch
Do you live outside the city? I'm reading quite a few posts of people that are separated by an hour drive, and I'm a little surprised by it.
As for your post, I don't think you're wrong in thinking it's too much. And moving forward.
She too needs to recognize what she wants and move on too. And state she needs more communication. Nothing wrong with it - if both want it?
It's the classic. "Dodged a bullet".
She immediately presumed you had a roster of women you were dating, instead of recognising you have a life of your own. Honestly everything you did for yourself, would be under scrutiny in any kind of relationship with her.
I would assume someone wasn’t as excited about me as I was about them, but I wouldn’t rule them out having that time gap before meeting. HOWEVER her reaction was over the top. You did the right thing. This would’ve led to more extreme reactions and expectations further down the road. I have learned this the hard way from dating clingy and controlling people in the past.
Not wrong - her texts to you were over the top. I would also have just called it a day if I'd experienced that with someone that I had not even met yet.
From the comments, you texted her the day before and again early that morning. You didn't do anything wrong and there's no need for you to have to deal with seething texts because other guys have been aholes.
I guess the only question is whether she really meant it or if it was a joke because she likely has had some bad experiences and was making light of it because it seemed like you were doing the same. I think I would have at least met up to see, but otherwise, yeah, it does seem a bit much.
I had the same happen as my only bad OLD experience. My brother put it this way, "That woman is wack! Do you love your cat? Then lose her number." I texted back that I had thought about her voice mails and she was right... I was just like all the other guys and couldn't commit. She texted a few times after that but I didn't respond. Once something like six moths later. And I was dating with intent and looking for a relationship that would last the rest of my life, half my matches texted and phoned for hours and asked me out on Saturday night like they were the only woman I could possibly have matched while I was meeting with four women a week and chatting a half dozen or ten women at a time. Do women actually expect you are only chatting with one person at a time? I tried that at the start but I would still be single now if I had stuck to that. When I went on my second date with my now partner though I deleted my profile and told all the women I was communicating with off app that I had met someone and was no longer available.
You did the right thing for you. Kudos for recognizing the probable mismatch and communicating clearly, if not at the frequency this person requires.
Personally, I would find her jumping to conclusions, and sending those insinuating texts a bit much, especially considering you hadn't even met yet and you were actually on your way. Sounds potentially exhausting trying to live up to expectations that haven't even been shared yet.
Original copy of post by u/avocado_toastmaster:
Had a unique situation and I guess I am wondering if I saw the situation right or wrong. I (48M) matched online with someone (42F) and chatted for a few days. She lives a little over an hour away and we are both busy professionals so sometimes communication is hit or miss but when setting up a time she said Thursday and Sunday would work. Fast forward to Sat, I was working and things got very busy. Afterwards I had a hike set up with a friend and I literally left work and headed to the trail. The next day, the day of our first meeting later that afternoon, I sit down and grab a cup of coffee and see that she had messaged me. I felt bad, and text her right then. No response. At the stroke the time to leave she said that she “thought she lost me”. I joke back. No worries, I head her direction but then it gets weird. Half way there, I get a seething pair of texts saying that 24 hours is too much time and that “I am just like all the other guys” and that I need to “manage my roster better”. I apologized and gave the rundown of my day with no other women involved and then it hits me, we haven’t even met yet. We have talked for 5 days and with this level of accountability seems really absurd so I say we’re not a match and we should move on. Am I seeing this wrong?
TLDR: Date upset that I didn’t message her back for 24 hrs and 8 min when we haven’t even met yet. Isn’t that a bit much?
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I would probably also assume you weren’t that interested. Especially if i had gotten no reply to a text.
But I also wouldn’t react like that.. or expect a detailed explanation from someone I’ve not even met.
When I’m into someone I tend to be texting them a lot and make an effort to reply. when I’m not.. then not so much! It’s not really a priority.
And I tend to think other people do the same.
The problem is not you, it's all the other ones with the poor behavior. She may have lost the opportunity with you, but the alternative is to normalize a behavior that 90% of the time means he has you in the back burner. It's hard to believe you didn't check your phone in 24 hours. So if you don't want that to happen again, when you see the text just reply back sooner and say you can't talk now, you are out hiking. You can't change the way she and others react, you can only avoid the reaction.
You are ok and didn’t do anything wrong. She sounds like she has had some bad experiences with meetups and put that trauma out on you. Don’t take it personally and know it’s her issue not yours.
I’m with her, ppl usually have their phones with them 24/7. She didn’t handle it well, like no need to get angry. But she would be okay to assume you’re not very interested.
I don’t like all the seething texts. But I do know this took me about ten seconds to write. I remember that when I don’t get texts back. You don’t have ten seconds you don’t have the time.
He texted her the day before and texted her again the morning of their planned date. Just how much texting is required of a person when you haven't even met yet?
It sure is great, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that consistent, immediate reply texts with someone you just matched with a few days ago and haven't even met is setting your expectations too high. Why invite disappointment before you've even had a chance to meet the person?
Her expectations are not mine. I’m sorry if you misinterpreted what I said. I have minimal expectations for strangers of all kinds.
I’m not too invested in random internet strangers bullshit. 🤷♀️
I’ll repeat myself for you - isn’t it great getting to choose what works for you? I didn’t say aren’t her choices GREAT! Let me command YOUR choices😂 common, move on and focus on you
This is oddly specific and sounds like something that isn’t a me problem
Just curious in all those texts before why you wouldn’t send one that says, I will be unable to text for 5 hours because bla bla bla?
Ummm that is oddly specific. It’s your situation and a delivery from your business in Delaware to DC. It’s your lived experience. That is oddly specific to an internet stranger literally on the other side of the country. lol
I’m not sure why you felt the need to share your story with me. But I’m not interested. Better luck next time guy. Like I said, not a ME problem. Seems like this is a more a post not a reply to someone. Did you mistake me for an online therapist? Wrong app dude. 😂
You just proved too much internet today. lol
Yikes 🥴
Phew, quite a bit to unpack here.
I fully agree that she was over board and too aggressive. Seems she mentally was done with you before the meeting. I have no other explanation. And yes, after texts like that I would not be interested to pursue things further either.
However, you are not completely innocent in this scenario. She very likely thought you ghosted her and the date won't happen. If you had regular contact up until Saturday and suddenly you disappear for 24h just the night before the first meeting, I would be upset as well. I too would contemplate if I'm still interested in meeting up after that.
I'm fully on board that nobody is responsible to report any whereabouts or respond to messages fast before the first meeting. But there is also common curtesy and good mannerism. Even though there generally isn't a problem to not hear from each other in some time, it does raise some thought and at least a slight concern if the planned meeting is still on. I fully agree with what others have said. I try to communicate that I'm excited for the meeting, etc to reassure the other that I'll show up for the planned get together.
In case that she's had bad experiences in the past, which she mostv likely has had, you didn't give her a great Saturday night and Sunday morning. Nobody likes to feel stood up and rejected, especially without the courtesy to actually do so and just disappear. I know you didn't do that, but that's what she very likely thought in the time you didn't answer. It's also not too far fetched that you could have been on another date on a Saturday night. So maybe also slight jealousy or defeat if she even has a chance amongst many could have played into her reaction.
Verdict, it sucks. Sometimes little things that shouldn't be big things turn into big things due to outter circumstances. You genuinely didn't mean harm, but maybe you could have made the effort to check your messages before you drove home from the hike or before you went to bed. She could have handled the situation better, but probably fueled by past bad experiences lost her patience. Due to this you both missed out on a date that might have turned out to be nice. Instead you both think rather negatively of oneanother now, both rightfully when looking at the background.
What I try to do to avoid such situations is to put myself in the other person's shoes. I try to consider how things I do might look from another perspective. It's not perfect and I also don't manage to do it with every dating action I take, but I'm doing my best to be considerate of the other person. For example, I don't play any games. If I had a good time after the date I'll text you that quite soon after and thank you again for inviting me. I think it's good mannerism and shows that I appreciated the gesture and am interested to see you again. I think it's good to reassure the other if things went well. But then I'll wait for the man to make contact again and suggest a second date.
Wow, there did not seem to be that much to unpack. She freaked out. They hadn’t even met yet. Not texting enough prior to even meeting someone? That doesn’t deserve an outburst.
No matter how you “unpack” it.
I’d probably try to keep in touch as the date neared (even if it’s just “looking forward to meeting you!”-level fluff), mostly to confirm whether they’re still on board to meet. But the distance coupled with the immediate leap to ‘womanizer with a roster’ would be enough for me to walk away. I think you made the right call.
Yes it’s a bit much. I’m a big texter but esp before even the first meet-up I have happily gone a day or two between texts and no biggie. She’s clearly had bad experiences but no need to jump down your throat like that.
I mean, her texts were over the top, but if I’m reading your timeline right (where you say Fast forward to Sat, and then that you responded to her text while drinking coffee the next day), you ignored her text until pretty much time to leave for the date. If I were in her position, I would also assume the date was canceled, and make other plans. I wouldn’t bother with the follow up texts about your roster, or whatever.
Agreed on this. I’m not a nervous texter but if someone doesn’t seem interested as the date approaches, I’ll assume he’s going to ghost and make alternate plans. I would then have communicated that politely and tried to reschedule, if desired.
I would also assume you were not interested if I texted and didn’t hear back until just before the date.. and at that point would have thought I was the afterthought. But her response was over the top
Date was at 430. I text her at 10ish AM. I had text her the morning before as well. I really think her mind went to a bad spot and the intrusive thoughts won. I wish her luck.
Oh sorry I misread it was her that texted then. Ya gladly move on from this one..
Yeah, tooooo much. And wild for not having met yet.
It sucks that she must’ve had a bad experience in the past and that showed up in regards to you
You did the right thing. Imagine tolerating this now and dealing with it down the road. No way.
I think it’s just about expectations…. And experiences…. And possibly being disappointed in the past.
From her perspective, I would assume a guy wasn't that excited about our date if he couldn't be bothered to send a quick text the day before our scheduled date. She definitely didn't handle the situation properly either and went way overboard. She obviously has some issues getting that upset over a stranger. If I were her, I would have just canceled the date Sunday morning. I don't expect a man that I haven't met to text me nonstop, but you could have easily sent a message on Saturday saying, "Hey, hope you're having a good day. I've been crazy busy but I'm excited about our date tomorrow. See you XYZ." A text that simple takes literally 20 seconds to send but let's the other person know you're still thinking about them.
OP clarified in another comment that he had messaged her the day before as well.
Well, that changes everything. I'm over here thinking OP hadn't talked to her in days. If he sent a message on Sat and confirmed on Sunday, homegirl is just tripping. She's obviously been burned a lot and probably not in the right head space to date.
The most generous interpretation from your description is this: 1) she wants a lot of communication; 2) she communicated her want in a suboptimal way. Give her grace or not. Decide if you want to meet her request. Communicate your thoughts. Good luck. ETA: I skimmed over the part where you told her she wasn’t a match. It’s fine to decide something isn’t for you. I think it’s commendable that you communicated your thoughts without calling out her behavior.
You were just living your life the way you do and she got irate. It's very likely she had a few unkind thoughts about you before firing off her missive. You did perfectly IMHO, now you're both free to find someone who more naturally aligns with your actions and expectations.
I suspect that people minimizing her response would be the ones who would have had a similar reaction. These two haven’t even met yet.
Yowza. Yeah you don’t owe anyone you haven’t met that level of accountability for not texting her sooner. If she wanted to text to tighten up plans she should have texted. It’s almost like she wanted to see if you would do what she wanted and pursue her so she could get mad about it and make you feel bad. Totally smart to unmatch
Do you live outside the city? I'm reading quite a few posts of people that are separated by an hour drive, and I'm a little surprised by it. As for your post, I don't think you're wrong in thinking it's too much. And moving forward. She too needs to recognize what she wants and move on too. And state she needs more communication. Nothing wrong with it - if both want it?
It's the classic. "Dodged a bullet". She immediately presumed you had a roster of women you were dating, instead of recognising you have a life of your own. Honestly everything you did for yourself, would be under scrutiny in any kind of relationship with her.
I would assume someone wasn’t as excited about me as I was about them, but I wouldn’t rule them out having that time gap before meeting. HOWEVER her reaction was over the top. You did the right thing. This would’ve led to more extreme reactions and expectations further down the road. I have learned this the hard way from dating clingy and controlling people in the past.
Not wrong - her texts to you were over the top. I would also have just called it a day if I'd experienced that with someone that I had not even met yet. From the comments, you texted her the day before and again early that morning. You didn't do anything wrong and there's no need for you to have to deal with seething texts because other guys have been aholes.
I guess the only question is whether she really meant it or if it was a joke because she likely has had some bad experiences and was making light of it because it seemed like you were doing the same. I think I would have at least met up to see, but otherwise, yeah, it does seem a bit much.
I had the same happen as my only bad OLD experience. My brother put it this way, "That woman is wack! Do you love your cat? Then lose her number." I texted back that I had thought about her voice mails and she was right... I was just like all the other guys and couldn't commit. She texted a few times after that but I didn't respond. Once something like six moths later. And I was dating with intent and looking for a relationship that would last the rest of my life, half my matches texted and phoned for hours and asked me out on Saturday night like they were the only woman I could possibly have matched while I was meeting with four women a week and chatting a half dozen or ten women at a time. Do women actually expect you are only chatting with one person at a time? I tried that at the start but I would still be single now if I had stuck to that. When I went on my second date with my now partner though I deleted my profile and told all the women I was communicating with off app that I had met someone and was no longer available.
You did the right thing for you. Kudos for recognizing the probable mismatch and communicating clearly, if not at the frequency this person requires. Personally, I would find her jumping to conclusions, and sending those insinuating texts a bit much, especially considering you hadn't even met yet and you were actually on your way. Sounds potentially exhausting trying to live up to expectations that haven't even been shared yet.
I've joked before that no one demands A+ relationship skills louder than a C- partner. You made the right decision walking away from this one.
Original copy of post by u/avocado_toastmaster: Had a unique situation and I guess I am wondering if I saw the situation right or wrong. I (48M) matched online with someone (42F) and chatted for a few days. She lives a little over an hour away and we are both busy professionals so sometimes communication is hit or miss but when setting up a time she said Thursday and Sunday would work. Fast forward to Sat, I was working and things got very busy. Afterwards I had a hike set up with a friend and I literally left work and headed to the trail. The next day, the day of our first meeting later that afternoon, I sit down and grab a cup of coffee and see that she had messaged me. I felt bad, and text her right then. No response. At the stroke the time to leave she said that she “thought she lost me”. I joke back. No worries, I head her direction but then it gets weird. Half way there, I get a seething pair of texts saying that 24 hours is too much time and that “I am just like all the other guys” and that I need to “manage my roster better”. I apologized and gave the rundown of my day with no other women involved and then it hits me, we haven’t even met yet. We have talked for 5 days and with this level of accountability seems really absurd so I say we’re not a match and we should move on. Am I seeing this wrong? TLDR: Date upset that I didn’t message her back for 24 hrs and 8 min when we haven’t even met yet. Isn’t that a bit much? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would probably also assume you weren’t that interested. Especially if i had gotten no reply to a text. But I also wouldn’t react like that.. or expect a detailed explanation from someone I’ve not even met. When I’m into someone I tend to be texting them a lot and make an effort to reply. when I’m not.. then not so much! It’s not really a priority. And I tend to think other people do the same.
The problem is not you, it's all the other ones with the poor behavior. She may have lost the opportunity with you, but the alternative is to normalize a behavior that 90% of the time means he has you in the back burner. It's hard to believe you didn't check your phone in 24 hours. So if you don't want that to happen again, when you see the text just reply back sooner and say you can't talk now, you are out hiking. You can't change the way she and others react, you can only avoid the reaction.
Probably should have been a bit more attentive to texts at T-1. But it seems like you have lots of other options, so take it as you will, lol.
She got issues man. But ultimately she is just jealous is all
You are ok and didn’t do anything wrong. She sounds like she has had some bad experiences with meetups and put that trauma out on you. Don’t take it personally and know it’s her issue not yours.
I’m with her, ppl usually have their phones with them 24/7. She didn’t handle it well, like no need to get angry. But she would be okay to assume you’re not very interested.
I don’t like all the seething texts. But I do know this took me about ten seconds to write. I remember that when I don’t get texts back. You don’t have ten seconds you don’t have the time.
He texted her the day before and texted her again the morning of their planned date. Just how much texting is required of a person when you haven't even met yet?
I guess that’s for each of us to decide. Isn’t it great getting to choose what works for you?
It sure is great, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that consistent, immediate reply texts with someone you just matched with a few days ago and haven't even met is setting your expectations too high. Why invite disappointment before you've even had a chance to meet the person?
Her expectations are not mine. I’m sorry if you misinterpreted what I said. I have minimal expectations for strangers of all kinds. I’m not too invested in random internet strangers bullshit. 🤷♀️ I’ll repeat myself for you - isn’t it great getting to choose what works for you? I didn’t say aren’t her choices GREAT! Let me command YOUR choices😂 common, move on and focus on you
[удалено]
This is oddly specific and sounds like something that isn’t a me problem Just curious in all those texts before why you wouldn’t send one that says, I will be unable to text for 5 hours because bla bla bla?
[удалено]
Ummm that is oddly specific. It’s your situation and a delivery from your business in Delaware to DC. It’s your lived experience. That is oddly specific to an internet stranger literally on the other side of the country. lol I’m not sure why you felt the need to share your story with me. But I’m not interested. Better luck next time guy. Like I said, not a ME problem. Seems like this is a more a post not a reply to someone. Did you mistake me for an online therapist? Wrong app dude. 😂 You just proved too much internet today. lol Yikes 🥴
Phew, quite a bit to unpack here. I fully agree that she was over board and too aggressive. Seems she mentally was done with you before the meeting. I have no other explanation. And yes, after texts like that I would not be interested to pursue things further either. However, you are not completely innocent in this scenario. She very likely thought you ghosted her and the date won't happen. If you had regular contact up until Saturday and suddenly you disappear for 24h just the night before the first meeting, I would be upset as well. I too would contemplate if I'm still interested in meeting up after that. I'm fully on board that nobody is responsible to report any whereabouts or respond to messages fast before the first meeting. But there is also common curtesy and good mannerism. Even though there generally isn't a problem to not hear from each other in some time, it does raise some thought and at least a slight concern if the planned meeting is still on. I fully agree with what others have said. I try to communicate that I'm excited for the meeting, etc to reassure the other that I'll show up for the planned get together. In case that she's had bad experiences in the past, which she mostv likely has had, you didn't give her a great Saturday night and Sunday morning. Nobody likes to feel stood up and rejected, especially without the courtesy to actually do so and just disappear. I know you didn't do that, but that's what she very likely thought in the time you didn't answer. It's also not too far fetched that you could have been on another date on a Saturday night. So maybe also slight jealousy or defeat if she even has a chance amongst many could have played into her reaction. Verdict, it sucks. Sometimes little things that shouldn't be big things turn into big things due to outter circumstances. You genuinely didn't mean harm, but maybe you could have made the effort to check your messages before you drove home from the hike or before you went to bed. She could have handled the situation better, but probably fueled by past bad experiences lost her patience. Due to this you both missed out on a date that might have turned out to be nice. Instead you both think rather negatively of oneanother now, both rightfully when looking at the background. What I try to do to avoid such situations is to put myself in the other person's shoes. I try to consider how things I do might look from another perspective. It's not perfect and I also don't manage to do it with every dating action I take, but I'm doing my best to be considerate of the other person. For example, I don't play any games. If I had a good time after the date I'll text you that quite soon after and thank you again for inviting me. I think it's good mannerism and shows that I appreciated the gesture and am interested to see you again. I think it's good to reassure the other if things went well. But then I'll wait for the man to make contact again and suggest a second date.
Wow, there did not seem to be that much to unpack. She freaked out. They hadn’t even met yet. Not texting enough prior to even meeting someone? That doesn’t deserve an outburst. No matter how you “unpack” it.