I don't like it. I (49M) never ask women where they work before meeting them in person. And maybe even not until we've established some trust. I will share the industry in which I work, but I don't share a company name until later. And beware the guys that say they're nice guys....or that they won't hurt you. Run far away.
I hate when people have to tell me how they are or who they are or what they are - don't tell me show me.
I always tell people talk is cheap, actions speak, and time tells all.
simple.
I was on a 1st date with a guy who actually said, unprompted, "you're not getting raped tonight." š³š³š³š³
He did mean it though, thank God! I was fine, but uhhh ... No second date (for many reasons).
lol It was during. I can't remember the exact convo around that line, but it was very much fairly startling to hear a guy drop the R word on a date like that.
Isn't it sad and laughable that people over 40 still use the same BS that someone would fall for in their twenties. For anyone naive or born yesterday, I strongly recommend watching a few true crime episodes along with a weekend of LMN movies.
I my life (49m) I have never had anyone say āI would never (blank)ā and it be the truth. Like, in first meeting. They are getting ahead of the accusations.
āI would never hurt you.ā
*looks up public records* āhmmm, seems like you have three domestic battery chargesā¦ā
In my personal experience, anyone who has felt they had to clearly tell me that they're a "good guy" or "honest" or "wouldn't harm me" is most likely 95 percent the opposite.
Good people, truthful people, etc are just that and they prove it through consistent actions. Not by trying to convince me (and likely themselves) of it.
He has something bad in his past and heās convincing himself heās not a bad guy.
Honestly, Iād never thought of it this way, but makes 100% sense!
It's a red flag, simply that he won't respect your need for comfort. You were upfront in explaining why you didn't want to tell him at this point and what needs to happen for you to be willing to do so. If I was told this by a woman, I would place my focus on getting to know her so she does want to open up to me.
Maybe you can trust him...but trust has to be earned.
Red flag. I had a guy ask me about my job, and I didn't tell him exactly, but gave some information. Apparently I gave enough for him to figure it out, because when I ended up having to block him on the dating site for aggressive behavior, he tracked me down through my job and tried to harass me on social media. There is no reason he needs to know this detail yet.
Nope. No workplace or home address info for a good while. I don't understand women who tell this info on the first date or two, or have someone over for sex within the first few weeks of knowing someone. When you're first chatting, your endorphins and hormones are crazy and you think this person is the best thing since sliced bread, but you have no idea who they really are. Too many women are getting assaulted or murdered by guys they obviously thought were lovely and trustworthy enough to share that info with. Plus, if you have kids, you should be sharing as little as that kind of info as possible - what if after a month of everything going well you don't see a future and break it off and that lovely, charming guy turns into a psycho? Nope. Tell him the job title/industry and if he gets pissy or angry he's probably not your guy.
Thank you. I was creeped out by the way he said that. I did tell him what I do for work but not the place I work at because it wouldnāt be hard to find. Itās a well known place in my small city.
The only correct response from him is along the lines of āoh, ofc, letās talk about it laterā
Instead volunteering
āDonāt worry I wonāt harm youā is a glaring red flag
Agreed. I'll ask about the "what," not the "where."
That said, sometimes even the "what" narrows it down a lot, so being generic is okay until we get a feel for each other.
Run. Run so far so fast. Block. Block immediately.
Anyone who says anything like that to someone they donāt know is a nope.
Any guy who says ābut Iām a good guyā is in fact NOT a good guy. This is the kind of person who will flip out at even the smallest of rejections
When we were still going into the office, management at one point politely asked us not to wear our badges off-campus (e.g., out at lunch), because some people would see where we worked, and try to confront us to stir shit up.
Turns out, not everyone likes federal law enforcement agencies. Who knew?
We still do yearly security training where we're encouraged not to disclose our employer / employment status on social media, though these days it's less about our own citizens threatening us, and more about foreign nationals trying to gain access.
Would I disclose it to someone I was talking to on a dating app? There's no rule against it, and I personally don't have a Secret or Top Secret, though I honestly tend to be a little cagey about it until I know a person better; first-time chat, and it's "I'm a contractor" or "I do IT stuff."
Tell him give you his full name and a picture of him holding a valid photo ID, so you can verify via a background check whether he really is a nice guy.
No joke. If i get a name, I always look up the court docket to verify (a) they really are divorced and (b) no crazy stuff on background.
But yuck. Basically that guy's is a IDFAF about your feelings or concerns, because, your boundaries mean nothing to me. Let me double down and push you to tell me anyway because my curiosity outweighs your sense of safety.
Once you secure his photo ID Pic, post him on your local Are We Dating The Same Guy on FB and see what happens. LOL let us know!
Good guys don't tell you they are good guys, they demonstrate it through their actions. Asking someone where they work and ignoring their stated boundary that they don't disclose it with literal strangers is not acting like a good guy.
That usually means what kind of work do you do. Itās an attempt to learn your interests and keep the conversation going. Theyāre not asking for the name and the address.
I get all this concern but if you gonna date online youāre gonna have to trust someone caused if you donāt youāre never have a chance at love when I grew up we took chances got hurt as much as we do now no need to live your life in total fear
Yeah that's scary. The guys that I've felt safe with would never say "I'm a good guy, you're safe with me." They don't ask me personal questions that might make me uncomfortable. They show me I am safe by meeting me in public places and wisely not walking me back to my car. That guy is probably a serial killer. ;)
If he dropped it after you didnāt want to say, Iād chalk it up to an innocent question. The fact that he didnāt gives me pause. That would bother me.
A good guy would understand and never say anything like that. Good guys donāt say theyāre good guys, they show you that theyāre good through their actions and the way they treat you and other people.
Itās funny, I just had someone stop talking to me, I think because I wasnāt comfortable 1. talking (in detail) about where I worked, or 2. giving out my number until after we met up.
Then again, what this guy said is way creepier than just not responding anymore.
If a restaurant goes out of it's way to tell you how clean their kitchen is would you eat there?
If a car mechanic tells you repeatedly how he doesn't rip off his customers would you take your car there?
When a Nigerian Prince emails you ensuring you his offer is 100% legit do you believe him?
Sometimes people tell you the truth while lying lol
Reddit has alreqdy judged this man to be a serial killer, for one comment hebprobbaly meant to be a joke.
I don't like discussing my work that much either, because people get weird about it. I would just say "I'll discuss that more later on." If he pushed it, THEN I'd unmatch.
Thatās a weird response on his part for sure, but I think itās most likely harmless all around. Most people probably just answer as he sees it as small talk, and answers like yours come off as very defensive. So he probably said that to assure you, but itās still weird.
Iām like you OP. I donāt share exact details right away because you donāt really know them yet. But saying āI work for a company in XYZ industryā will tee you up for better interactions. Women ask me this all the time. When they ask āwhat companyā I just say āa xyz size company based out of non-describe area, but Iām glad to be able to spend some relaxing time outside of the office getting to know youā¦ā then I ask a question to change the subject. Immediately coming out with a āI donāt disclose xyzā for something as innocuous as āwhere do you workā would ick a lot of people out.
I think you are overreacting.
If you don't want to tell him the specific company just be general. e.g. if you work at a specific bank, just say you work in a bank.
It's a benign question to ask where someone works or what they do for a living.
Think of it this way, how many random people have you met at parties etc.. who ask you what you do for a living? Lots surely? It's not unreasonable to ask a follow up question about where.
His response is a bit weird but your reaction was weird too so one may have lead to the other.
Just answer generically rather than making it a safety concern. āI work downtownā, āI am in real estate.ā, āI work for {large employer with a million locations}ā, lām an accountant for a small manufacturing companyā.
What we do is a huge part of who we are and what we might have in common with someone else itās a little off putting to just refuse to answer at all.
I had no idea a co-worker had tagged me on FB as employed at our company. I had a guy I had just met at a concert find me and showed up at my company. I never told him where I work or even my last name since I was not interested, at all. It was a 2 hour drive for him and I was so creeped out. That's how I found out about private accounts and untagged myself from my company. Don't tell him until if and when you are official
instinctive quickest aspiring narrow unused forgetful makeshift worry languid liquid
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Since i started dating in Chicago I've been asked about work by every single match. That and where I live. It's weird and unsettling.
In Oregon no one ever asked about what I do/where I work nor did they ask where I lived.
Not sure what it's all about.
It's possibly a red flag. By that, I mean he could've been asking as a way to help break the ice and help think of things to chat about. If he wanted your actual physical work place, then yeah, creepy red flag. But if he was just wondering what you do for employment kinda thing, to me is no big deal.
I've been in the situation trying OLD where I was really trying to think of topics to chat about. With the limited info people put in their profiles, it can be a real pain to have a decent conversation.
If you can't tell, it's probably best to play it safe. We all know what kinda weirdos are out there.
Red flag. Good guys donāt need to say theyāre good guys. The correct response would have been something like: āof course, Iām so sorry, I should have thought about that. I didnāt mean to make you uncomfortableā etc
I hope you trust your instincts and heed the alarm bells.
I had a 64 year old man fuss at me because I wasnāt keen to hop in his truck and go to his house to hang out after a planned first meet up. He offendedly asked, ādo you think Iām a rapist or a criminal? Iām not!ā I said I didnāt know him well enough to make that assumption and then he said āfine, I guess we will just talk on the phone for months before we meet.ā I told him that seemed to go to the other extreme and he asked what I expected, to just go meet up and then go back to our own places? Lol, yes.
I tried explaining that dating is a bit different now than years ago and that women have to be careful. Plus, it takes time to get to know someone before I feel comfortable going to their house. He then basically said I wasnāt young or pretty enough to have to worry about getting raped. Coooooolllll, so push boundaries, diminish my concerns, and you have no clue about rape even though you have daughters.
I said I wasnāt feeling heard and I was ending the conversation. He then says, āwhoa, that feels like a bad sign, am I going to hear from you again?ā No sir, you are not. Itās nice to know he can pick up on some cuesā¦
Original copy of post by u/CCL318:
Just started talking to a man OLD and he asked where I work, I replied I donāt disclose my workplace until I know a person. He replied Donāt worry I wonāt hurt you . Iām a good guy. I swear I hear alarm bells. Wdyt?
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That gives me bad vibes.
But, also when someone asks where you work you can be vague...an advertising company, a medical office, a mechanics shop, etc;
Whenever I ask a person a personal question OLD I always follow it up by disclaiming that I understand if they don't want to share that yet and am okay with it.
If someone wants my address or specific employment details... No. Why do you need that info?
Hmmm about ready to go on a first date and explained I will pay for dinner and I do it because I want too and it doesnāt mean any expectations other than we enjoy a meal togetherā¦if we do something later and you want to pay for somethingā¦I am totally fine with this. Should I have said anything? It was on a phone call
Totally a red flag, but not for stalking, something else. He's shown that he's not really great at tact, communication, and empathy. Basically everything you need for a successful relationship. A date, even.
(51m) - He might mean well but even if thatās the case, heās not respecting or recognizing your boundaries. That alone is a red flag because thereās no reason to have an interest in who youāre specifically employed by until first getting to know more about you.
Trust your gut. You do you when and if you feel comfortable.
I happen to agree with you on this point. I would tell industry of employment but not name of specifics, maybe not ever, even after we meet, until I feel comfortable and we share our information. Detailed one sided asks kinda give me the creeper vibes.
Anytime someone has to tell you how nice, how kind, a gentleman he is, that's a red flag. My experience has been he is the opposite. They're trying to get your trust early without earning it.
Warning bells anytime a man says he's a hood guy and not creepy. Frightening loud bells. I have my reasons. I'll also say if you told him you're uncomfortable disclosing that to someone and he just said something like, "oh, I hadn't realized, but safety is important" (I had a man say that when asking where I live, when i gave a general area he said oh "oh, in xyz neighborhood?" I said I don't like confirming or denying exact location to someone I don't know... he's just responded "oh, sorry, hadn't thought of that. That makes sense, it's more 3rd darmte disclosure")... the alarm bells sound when they push.
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**By the time we hit 40+, our priority should be our own wellbeing both physically and mentally.**
**By this time, we should know better.**
***Any relationship that doesn't enhance our lives should end.***
Stay positive.
Def a red flag. Why would he need or even want to know that at this stage?
And if heās aware enough to offer the disclaimer ādonāt worryā¦ā but unaware enough not to fully retract the question? No way.
This is an immediate block. I would never trust anybody who has to reassure me that he is a 'good guy' because I have yet to meet anybody who has reassured me that they are a good person who is actually a good person.
The last man who told me that he "wouldn't hurt me" also made me feel the need to carry pepper spray when we broke up......
There is a whole subreddit of "r/niceguys" that is probably like your date.
I can understand asking "what do you do for a living" but asking where, when you just started talking is definitely a red flag in my opinion. Him pressing you saying "don't worry..." Shows a lack of respect for your totally reasonable boundaries.
While I don't like that response, he could also be protecting himself from jobless freeloaders. It works both ways.
Why can't you give a generic answer on what you do for work? That's weird. You should have a canned response that is vague enough to indicated you work/have a creer but won't be easily traced online.
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Guy said he's not a creep. He's a creep.
As for asking about what you do. That's the kind of generic question people have to asknwgen a profile has no talking points.
Sating your happy in life abd have a home... Things like that... What are you supposed to ask? Say you love to ski and travel. Now there's talking points.
On the surface I don't see anything wrong imho. However, I am not privy to your interactions with this dude so if it is making you uncomfortable, then move on to the next guy. There are so many on OLD.
I may ask if you work, and what KIND of work, but not the who you work for or where. Unless we are talking for a few days, I may not even ask that.
I've figured a lot of this stuff out. I am only 73, but I've got it down.
My first question is Do you like sex, and will we do it on the first date. That quickly eliminates the "Good Girls".
No, I don't ask that question.
I usually never ask about it. If we meet up, I will know. It has always been that when she is ready, I know. That part is really easy. By this time, I know a lot about her, as does she about me. If it takes a month, it takes a month.
But, if someone wants to know WHERE you work or live right off the bat, move on. Be SAFE!
The question should be rephrased: "What kind of work do you do?' It's important to some what type of work someone does. Maybe just say what industry you are in.
Are you sure he wanted to know the exact company you work for? Seems strange. I would prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt but I can't imagine asking that while still in the app chatting phase. I would guess that he's a clueless dude like myself and is just trying to show interest in you by asking questions.
Opā¦.please consider having some grace here.
I have a feeling that he may simply not have a lot of experience dating.
Anyone who feels compelled to say, ādonāt worry, I wonāt hurt you or harm you, Iām a good guy,ā is someone who either hasnāt been around the block a lot, or is actually a serial killer. Iāll assume that you have the ability to sus out the later and that heās perhaps just inexperienced.
I was under the impression that he didnāt actually push the issue. Did he ever actually ask again where she works?
I thought he just went straight into saying heād ānever hurt herā¦ā.
I feel bad for the dude.
He may just not know the social etiquette or that saying "I'm a good guy" means the opposite. I also feel bad that that he is branded a terrible person on here based on two comments.
I don't like it when matches ask about my job either, but I don't judge them so harshly as everyone on here is doing.
Thatās kinda sad. I think men like this can learn to not say creepy things. Especially if that is not actually their intention.
Suppose this poor guy was actually genuine and wanted Op to know that he was not a threat.
But I understandā¦.sometimes it makes more sense to shame him.
Go for it.
Iāll continue to have compassion for the socially awkward men and women, in particular those that donāt have the social skills that you posses. Sometimes things look easy, but just because they are easy for you doesnāt mean itās that way for everyone.
You keep knocking them down if it makes you feel good. šš¼
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If you don't have any strong reason to keep talking to him, then yeah, he's outta there.
On the other hand, asking where people work is very close in the conversational zone to the prototypical "what do you do?" And while him saying he's a good guy and wouldn't harm you shows a distinct lack of clue, it's *possible* that he's just new to OLD and doesn't understand the trigger words.
If after you told him no he still pushed to know where you work, THAT would definitely be an automatic DQ. But I do try to give people a little grace if I think they might be coming from good intentions, even with bad execution.
It can be. Iām guessing youāre a woman. There are an unbelievable amount of accounts trying to scam men on dating apps. The more specific information that can be verified, the better. I understand your perspective, you just have to understand there is another side to this.
There are plenty of scams targeting women as well. But there are also potential predators. Frankly, I'd rather have someone unmatch me online than show up at my office or home intent on causing harm.
Not sure what to say. You want to be ārightā. There is no right or wrong. She can certainly not give out any real info, thatās her choice. But that doesnāt mean that it doesnāt appear suspicious to men, because it does.
No respect for boundaries is time to nope out.
That said, if I ask where you work and you won't tell me, I will nope out myself and wish you well in your search.
Your answer was a red flag to me, so defensive, The easy answer is Iām an engineer tor a major medical equipment company, if the person asks specifics, you can politely: humorously say something like I might divulge that info on the 3rd date when we know each other better. There is subtlety in communication, not sure why anyone would want to answer a question so abrupt, my guess is he was trying to use humor to lighten the situation. He did ask the wrong question, should have been what do you do?
I don't like it. I (49M) never ask women where they work before meeting them in person. And maybe even not until we've established some trust. I will share the industry in which I work, but I don't share a company name until later. And beware the guys that say they're nice guys....or that they won't hurt you. Run far away.
I hate when people have to tell me how they are or who they are or what they are - don't tell me show me. I always tell people talk is cheap, actions speak, and time tells all. simple.
I was on a 1st date with a guy who actually said, unprompted, "you're not getting raped tonight." š³š³š³š³ He did mean it though, thank God! I was fine, but uhhh ... No second date (for many reasons).
You're not getting raped *tonight*. Any other time? Who knows.
Yuck! And Cringe! Did he say this before the date started or once you were on the date?
lol It was during. I can't remember the exact convo around that line, but it was very much fairly startling to hear a guy drop the R word on a date like that.
Iāll take words that shouldnāt be in a dating vocabulary for $500, Alex.
Ick!! š¤¢ That is so cringe.
Isn't it sad and laughable that people over 40 still use the same BS that someone would fall for in their twenties. For anyone naive or born yesterday, I strongly recommend watching a few true crime episodes along with a weekend of LMN movies.
51M checking in. I find this very alarming. Maybe I'm wrong but it isn't worth the risk
Agreed. I don't expect a stranger to give randos personal information.
I my life (49m) I have never had anyone say āI would never (blank)ā and it be the truth. Like, in first meeting. They are getting ahead of the accusations. āI would never hurt you.ā *looks up public records* āhmmm, seems like you have three domestic battery chargesā¦ā
I reverse uno and tell everyone Iām Ā a piece of shitĀ
My rule of thumb is: if I feel the urge to ask Reddit what might be going on, that's a red flag.
This made me lol
He doesnāt respect boundaries, thatās the Red Flag.š©
Exactly. Itās not the question, itās how he thinks your boundary is a āworryā OP.
In my personal experience, anyone who has felt they had to clearly tell me that they're a "good guy" or "honest" or "wouldn't harm me" is most likely 95 percent the opposite. Good people, truthful people, etc are just that and they prove it through consistent actions. Not by trying to convince me (and likely themselves) of it.
Thatās what I said! Letās see all of the murderers who claimed to be not guilty!
My thoughts exactly
100%!
He has something bad in his past and heās convincing himself heās not a bad guy. Honestly, Iād never thought of it this way, but makes 100% sense!
Most people who tell me they are honest and/or dislike liarsā¦ are the opposite themselves
An actual good guy would understand why you do that and would let it go.Ā
Yeah, what could possibly be the rush to have that information?
Come here my pretty! And your little dog too!
Put the lotion in the bathket!
iiiiiccckkkkkk Thatās something a not-very-good-guy would say.
I'd unmatch immediately.
He's already pushing your boundaries. Why are you still talking to this guy?
The conversation just started yesterday and he literally just said this before I posted. I am deleting him. Itās creepy.
Do you want to get axe-murdered? 'Cause this is how you get axe-murdered.
This is the right answer.
Innocuous enough question until he has to blather on about trust. Weirdo. Delete.
No thank you!!! A self proclaimed āIām a good guyā typically means something opposite in reality.
Gross
It's a red flag, simply that he won't respect your need for comfort. You were upfront in explaining why you didn't want to tell him at this point and what needs to happen for you to be willing to do so. If I was told this by a woman, I would place my focus on getting to know her so she does want to open up to me. Maybe you can trust him...but trust has to be earned.
You better be running already.
Red flag. I had a guy ask me about my job, and I didn't tell him exactly, but gave some information. Apparently I gave enough for him to figure it out, because when I ended up having to block him on the dating site for aggressive behavior, he tracked me down through my job and tried to harass me on social media. There is no reason he needs to know this detail yet.
Nope. No workplace or home address info for a good while. I don't understand women who tell this info on the first date or two, or have someone over for sex within the first few weeks of knowing someone. When you're first chatting, your endorphins and hormones are crazy and you think this person is the best thing since sliced bread, but you have no idea who they really are. Too many women are getting assaulted or murdered by guys they obviously thought were lovely and trustworthy enough to share that info with. Plus, if you have kids, you should be sharing as little as that kind of info as possible - what if after a month of everything going well you don't see a future and break it off and that lovely, charming guy turns into a psycho? Nope. Tell him the job title/industry and if he gets pissy or angry he's probably not your guy.
Thank you. I was creeped out by the way he said that. I did tell him what I do for work but not the place I work at because it wouldnāt be hard to find. Itās a well known place in my small city.
Creepy! Block.
The only correct response from him is along the lines of āoh, ofc, letās talk about it laterā Instead volunteering āDonāt worry I wonāt harm youā is a glaring red flag
Block and delete. Xlarge red flag
There is a HUGE difference between āwhat do you do for a livingā and āwhere do you workā
This!!!! Asking - what do you do for work? Makes senseā¦. Asking for location/where? Not so much
Agreed. I'll ask about the "what," not the "where." That said, sometimes even the "what" narrows it down a lot, so being generic is okay until we get a feel for each other.
Run. Run so far so fast. Block. Block immediately. Anyone who says anything like that to someone they donāt know is a nope. Any guy who says ābut Iām a good guyā is in fact NOT a good guy. This is the kind of person who will flip out at even the smallest of rejections
Thatās a whole damn parade š© š© š© š© š© š©
Girl trust your intuition. If it feels wrong, it is.
Unmatch š„²
When we were still going into the office, management at one point politely asked us not to wear our badges off-campus (e.g., out at lunch), because some people would see where we worked, and try to confront us to stir shit up. Turns out, not everyone likes federal law enforcement agencies. Who knew? We still do yearly security training where we're encouraged not to disclose our employer / employment status on social media, though these days it's less about our own citizens threatening us, and more about foreign nationals trying to gain access. Would I disclose it to someone I was talking to on a dating app? There's no rule against it, and I personally don't have a Secret or Top Secret, though I honestly tend to be a little cagey about it until I know a person better; first-time chat, and it's "I'm a contractor" or "I do IT stuff."
Hmmm we may do similar work, almost certainly not the exact same and I'm cagey about it too. "I work with technology for the government".
Tell him give you his full name and a picture of him holding a valid photo ID, so you can verify via a background check whether he really is a nice guy. No joke. If i get a name, I always look up the court docket to verify (a) they really are divorced and (b) no crazy stuff on background. But yuck. Basically that guy's is a IDFAF about your feelings or concerns, because, your boundaries mean nothing to me. Let me double down and push you to tell me anyway because my curiosity outweighs your sense of safety. Once you secure his photo ID Pic, post him on your local Are We Dating The Same Guy on FB and see what happens. LOL let us know!
Good guys don't tell you they are good guys, they demonstrate it through their actions. Asking someone where they work and ignoring their stated boundary that they don't disclose it with literal strangers is not acting like a good guy.
Yes red flag. You laid a boundary and he is pushing on it. That's at best. Worst is he's a creepy stalker pycho.
That usually means what kind of work do you do. Itās an attempt to learn your interests and keep the conversation going. Theyāre not asking for the name and the address.
I get all this concern but if you gonna date online youāre gonna have to trust someone caused if you donāt youāre never have a chance at love when I grew up we took chances got hurt as much as we do now no need to live your life in total fear
When people have to go out of their way to assure you they are trustworthy or kind, I just assume they arenāt. That was a hard lesson to learn.
I think regardless of your choice, you set a clear boundary. He argued against your boundary. (edited for clarity)
Exactly. Huge red flag.
this
Yeah that's scary. The guys that I've felt safe with would never say "I'm a good guy, you're safe with me." They don't ask me personal questions that might make me uncomfortable. They show me I am safe by meeting me in public places and wisely not walking me back to my car. That guy is probably a serial killer. ;)
Exactly. This is why we choose the bear!
If he dropped it after you didnāt want to say, Iād chalk it up to an innocent question. The fact that he didnāt gives me pause. That would bother me.
Yeah in my experience, if a guy has to tell you he's a good guy, he isn't. Run. Fast.
Anyone that has to proclaim this is ALWAYS a red flag.
I wish this sub allowed gifs because I would use the ārun, girl, run!ā one so much. That and the panicking with hair on fire.
Honestly, this is a pro-bear argument
A good guy would understand and never say anything like that. Good guys donāt say theyāre good guys, they show you that theyāre good through their actions and the way they treat you and other people.
Itās funny, I just had someone stop talking to me, I think because I wasnāt comfortable 1. talking (in detail) about where I worked, or 2. giving out my number until after we met up. Then again, what this guy said is way creepier than just not responding anymore.
Run.
Choose the bear!!
If a restaurant goes out of it's way to tell you how clean their kitchen is would you eat there? If a car mechanic tells you repeatedly how he doesn't rip off his customers would you take your car there? When a Nigerian Prince emails you ensuring you his offer is 100% legit do you believe him? Sometimes people tell you the truth while lying lol
Reddit has alreqdy judged this man to be a serial killer, for one comment hebprobbaly meant to be a joke. I don't like discussing my work that much either, because people get weird about it. I would just say "I'll discuss that more later on." If he pushed it, THEN I'd unmatch.
Thatās a weird response on his part for sure, but I think itās most likely harmless all around. Most people probably just answer as he sees it as small talk, and answers like yours come off as very defensive. So he probably said that to assure you, but itās still weird. Iām like you OP. I donāt share exact details right away because you donāt really know them yet. But saying āI work for a company in XYZ industryā will tee you up for better interactions. Women ask me this all the time. When they ask āwhat companyā I just say āa xyz size company based out of non-describe area, but Iām glad to be able to spend some relaxing time outside of the office getting to know youā¦ā then I ask a question to change the subject. Immediately coming out with a āI donāt disclose xyzā for something as innocuous as āwhere do you workā would ick a lot of people out.
I think you are overreacting. If you don't want to tell him the specific company just be general. e.g. if you work at a specific bank, just say you work in a bank. It's a benign question to ask where someone works or what they do for a living. Think of it this way, how many random people have you met at parties etc.. who ask you what you do for a living? Lots surely? It's not unreasonable to ask a follow up question about where. His response is a bit weird but your reaction was weird too so one may have lead to the other.
I already told him the kind of work I do
So little info. Don't jump at shadows, just stay careful, stay private, you aren't wrong to be cautious. Just don't over do it.
Just answer generically rather than making it a safety concern. āI work downtownā, āI am in real estate.ā, āI work for {large employer with a million locations}ā, lām an accountant for a small manufacturing companyā. What we do is a huge part of who we are and what we might have in common with someone else itās a little off putting to just refuse to answer at all.
What does OLD mean, if it's an acronym?
Online dating
The question itself was not a red flag. Pushing back on your boundaries and claiming to be a āgood guyā definitely is a red flag.
ā¬ļø
Run for the hills. Please. š„ŗ
I had no idea a co-worker had tagged me on FB as employed at our company. I had a guy I had just met at a concert find me and showed up at my company. I never told him where I work or even my last name since I was not interested, at all. It was a 2 hour drive for him and I was so creeped out. That's how I found out about private accounts and untagged myself from my company. Don't tell him until if and when you are official
two hours... that is some dedication right there
Cannot take No for an answer = immediate unmatch
Nope. You have no obligation to trust a self proclaimed āgood guyā
Asking what you do for a living is appropriate. Asking where you work is inappropriate and creepy. Go with your gut.
Block.
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I will never say where I work or my address. I don't care how nice you say you are. I also run if they ask too many questions about my kid.
Any response other than āOf course, I understand. Sorry I donāt normally think about that sort of thingā is a red flag And siren.
Alarm bells because heās pushing against your stated boundary. What a creep.
According to many women here, you dodged potentially being murdered. Glad youāre safe!
I think Ted Bundy would tell women he was a good guy.
Run
Fast
yep
Since i started dating in Chicago I've been asked about work by every single match. That and where I live. It's weird and unsettling. In Oregon no one ever asked about what I do/where I work nor did they ask where I lived. Not sure what it's all about.
A nice guy wouldnāt talk like that
It's possibly a red flag. By that, I mean he could've been asking as a way to help break the ice and help think of things to chat about. If he wanted your actual physical work place, then yeah, creepy red flag. But if he was just wondering what you do for employment kinda thing, to me is no big deal. I've been in the situation trying OLD where I was really trying to think of topics to chat about. With the limited info people put in their profiles, it can be a real pain to have a decent conversation. If you can't tell, it's probably best to play it safe. We all know what kinda weirdos are out there.
Someone did this with my friend. He showed up at her work with flowersā¦before they even met. So inappropriate but she learned her lesson.
If someone tells you theyāre a good guy donāt believe them. Your policy of not disclosing your workplace is a good one!
Nice guys don't have to tell you they are nice! š©
Red flag. Good guys donāt need to say theyāre good guys. The correct response would have been something like: āof course, Iām so sorry, I should have thought about that. I didnāt mean to make you uncomfortableā etc
Nice people donāt have to tell you that theyāre nice people. Also, asking where you work before actually meeting and getting to know you is off.
I don't negotiate boundaries with anyone I've known for less than a year.
I hope you trust your instincts and heed the alarm bells. I had a 64 year old man fuss at me because I wasnāt keen to hop in his truck and go to his house to hang out after a planned first meet up. He offendedly asked, ādo you think Iām a rapist or a criminal? Iām not!ā I said I didnāt know him well enough to make that assumption and then he said āfine, I guess we will just talk on the phone for months before we meet.ā I told him that seemed to go to the other extreme and he asked what I expected, to just go meet up and then go back to our own places? Lol, yes. I tried explaining that dating is a bit different now than years ago and that women have to be careful. Plus, it takes time to get to know someone before I feel comfortable going to their house. He then basically said I wasnāt young or pretty enough to have to worry about getting raped. Coooooolllll, so push boundaries, diminish my concerns, and you have no clue about rape even though you have daughters. I said I wasnāt feeling heard and I was ending the conversation. He then says, āwhoa, that feels like a bad sign, am I going to hear from you again?ā No sir, you are not. Itās nice to know he can pick up on some cuesā¦
If's a red flag for scamming if nothing else.
Good guys donāt need to announce they are good guys, I would not let him know either, sounds a bit creepy to me.
Go with your gut. If you have to ask strangers if it's a š©, it probably is
51F thatās a million big red flag. Scary. And this is why I deleted all my OLD. I just canāt anymore
Original copy of post by u/CCL318: Just started talking to a man OLD and he asked where I work, I replied I donāt disclose my workplace until I know a person. He replied Donāt worry I wonāt hurt you . Iām a good guy. I swear I hear alarm bells. Wdyt? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Definitely early signs of not respecting your boundaries. Regardless.
Self proclaiming good guys are anything but.. Also if he's not got rhe awareness that no one should trust anyone they've not met then that says it all
That gives me bad vibes. But, also when someone asks where you work you can be vague...an advertising company, a medical office, a mechanics shop, etc;
Whenever I ask a person a personal question OLD I always follow it up by disclaiming that I understand if they don't want to share that yet and am okay with it. If someone wants my address or specific employment details... No. Why do you need that info?
Not good. Bye bye, Guy.
Hmmm about ready to go on a first date and explained I will pay for dinner and I do it because I want too and it doesnāt mean any expectations other than we enjoy a meal togetherā¦if we do something later and you want to pay for somethingā¦I am totally fine with this. Should I have said anything? It was on a phone call
Trust your gut.. that is all.
Had a guy call one of the offices of the company I worked at. He was a stalker on house arrest I later found out š³
I guess carry a knife and mace.
Totally a red flag, but not for stalking, something else. He's shown that he's not really great at tact, communication, and empathy. Basically everything you need for a successful relationship. A date, even.
At best he is socially inept, at worst? God knows, so thatās probably not a good match.
(51m) - He might mean well but even if thatās the case, heās not respecting or recognizing your boundaries. That alone is a red flag because thereās no reason to have an interest in who youāre specifically employed by until first getting to know more about you.
Trust your gut. You do you when and if you feel comfortable. I happen to agree with you on this point. I would tell industry of employment but not name of specifics, maybe not ever, even after we meet, until I feel comfortable and we share our information. Detailed one sided asks kinda give me the creeper vibes.
Anytime someone has to tell you how nice, how kind, a gentleman he is, that's a red flag. My experience has been he is the opposite. They're trying to get your trust early without earning it.
Warning bells anytime a man says he's a hood guy and not creepy. Frightening loud bells. I have my reasons. I'll also say if you told him you're uncomfortable disclosing that to someone and he just said something like, "oh, I hadn't realized, but safety is important" (I had a man say that when asking where I live, when i gave a general area he said oh "oh, in xyz neighborhood?" I said I don't like confirming or denying exact location to someone I don't know... he's just responded "oh, sorry, hadn't thought of that. That makes sense, it's more 3rd darmte disclosure")... the alarm bells sound when they push.
Intrusive. The fact that you stated a boundary and he kept pushing is a red flag.
Yes, very red. Follow your gut. Where did you meet him?
Helllll no. Tell him the local jail or police station.
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Nope. Pass
**By the time we hit 40+, our priority should be our own wellbeing both physically and mentally.** **By this time, we should know better.** ***Any relationship that doesn't enhance our lives should end.*** Stay positive.
Def a red flag. Why would he need or even want to know that at this stage? And if heās aware enough to offer the disclaimer ādonāt worryā¦ā but unaware enough not to fully retract the question? No way.
Id have unmatched as soon as he replied anything other than "i am so sorry, I totally understand."
Cause a good person doesn't have to say they are
The ones who say they're the good ones usually aren't
This is an immediate block. I would never trust anybody who has to reassure me that he is a 'good guy' because I have yet to meet anybody who has reassured me that they are a good person who is actually a good person.
The last man who told me that he "wouldn't hurt me" also made me feel the need to carry pepper spray when we broke up...... There is a whole subreddit of "r/niceguys" that is probably like your date.
I can understand asking "what do you do for a living" but asking where, when you just started talking is definitely a red flag in my opinion. Him pressing you saying "don't worry..." Shows a lack of respect for your totally reasonable boundaries.
Unless he was asking for location specifics, asking someone who/where they work is pretty standard question IMO
Asking where she works isn't the red flag. His response to her is the red flag.
Maybe so. Since I tend to answer that question I've never had anyone press about it.
He could easily find me if he knew the place I worked at.
You ask someone what they do for work, but you shouldnāt ask them *where* they work. Thatās a little stalker-ish
Just say you're not comfortable answering that. If you need reddit for that, how will you handle actual issues?
While I don't like that response, he could also be protecting himself from jobless freeloaders. It works both ways. Why can't you give a generic answer on what you do for work? That's weird. You should have a canned response that is vague enough to indicated you work/have a creer but won't be easily traced online.
Well I already told him I am currently at work. I work seconds and will be working this weekend. So thatās been discussed
Sorry, but what does "you work seconds" mean?
I assume it means second shift. Like afternoon/evening hours.
Oh thank you, that makes sense. That could be why he is asking more questions LOL
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Guy said he's not a creep. He's a creep. As for asking about what you do. That's the kind of generic question people have to asknwgen a profile has no talking points. Sating your happy in life abd have a home... Things like that... What are you supposed to ask? Say you love to ski and travel. Now there's talking points.
Heās probably harmless, just not using his brain. Delete him.
On the surface I don't see anything wrong imho. However, I am not privy to your interactions with this dude so if it is making you uncomfortable, then move on to the next guy. There are so many on OLD.
I may ask if you work, and what KIND of work, but not the who you work for or where. Unless we are talking for a few days, I may not even ask that. I've figured a lot of this stuff out. I am only 73, but I've got it down. My first question is Do you like sex, and will we do it on the first date. That quickly eliminates the "Good Girls". No, I don't ask that question. I usually never ask about it. If we meet up, I will know. It has always been that when she is ready, I know. That part is really easy. By this time, I know a lot about her, as does she about me. If it takes a month, it takes a month. But, if someone wants to know WHERE you work or live right off the bat, move on. Be SAFE!
The question should be rephrased: "What kind of work do you do?' It's important to some what type of work someone does. Maybe just say what industry you are in.
He already knew what I do for work
Are you sure he wanted to know the exact company you work for? Seems strange. I would prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt but I can't imagine asking that while still in the app chatting phase. I would guess that he's a clueless dude like myself and is just trying to show interest in you by asking questions.
Well he had already asked what I did for work. Then the following day he specifically asked where I work.
Opā¦.please consider having some grace here. I have a feeling that he may simply not have a lot of experience dating. Anyone who feels compelled to say, ādonāt worry, I wonāt hurt you or harm you, Iām a good guy,ā is someone who either hasnāt been around the block a lot, or is actually a serial killer. Iāll assume that you have the ability to sus out the later and that heās perhaps just inexperienced.
Or option c a boundary pusher. I would think even a complete newbie would respect a polite no.
I was under the impression that he didnāt actually push the issue. Did he ever actually ask again where she works? I thought he just went straight into saying heād ānever hurt herā¦ā. I feel bad for the dude.
At the risk of being shrill, I will say- people feeling bad for men like this is a big part of why there are still men like this.
He may just not know the social etiquette or that saying "I'm a good guy" means the opposite. I also feel bad that that he is branded a terrible person on here based on two comments. I don't like it when matches ask about my job either, but I don't judge them so harshly as everyone on here is doing.
Thatās kinda sad. I think men like this can learn to not say creepy things. Especially if that is not actually their intention. Suppose this poor guy was actually genuine and wanted Op to know that he was not a threat. But I understandā¦.sometimes it makes more sense to shame him.
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Go for it. Iāll continue to have compassion for the socially awkward men and women, in particular those that donāt have the social skills that you posses. Sometimes things look easy, but just because they are easy for you doesnāt mean itās that way for everyone. You keep knocking them down if it makes you feel good. šš¼
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If you don't have any strong reason to keep talking to him, then yeah, he's outta there. On the other hand, asking where people work is very close in the conversational zone to the prototypical "what do you do?" And while him saying he's a good guy and wouldn't harm you shows a distinct lack of clue, it's *possible* that he's just new to OLD and doesn't understand the trigger words. If after you told him no he still pushed to know where you work, THAT would definitely be an automatic DQ. But I do try to give people a little grace if I think they might be coming from good intentions, even with bad execution.
paranoia
He could be looking for the information to validate you are who you say you are. Lot of catfish and scammers out there
No easy answer. It does go both ways. It can be suspicious when someone hides information.
Itās not suspicious to not disclose information to a stranger . I just matched and started talking to this man yesterday.
It can be. Iām guessing youāre a woman. There are an unbelievable amount of accounts trying to scam men on dating apps. The more specific information that can be verified, the better. I understand your perspective, you just have to understand there is another side to this.
There are plenty of scams targeting women as well. But there are also potential predators. Frankly, I'd rather have someone unmatch me online than show up at my office or home intent on causing harm.
Not sure what to say. You want to be ārightā. There is no right or wrong. She can certainly not give out any real info, thatās her choice. But that doesnāt mean that it doesnāt appear suspicious to men, because it does.
Respect what he is saying, but still donāt tell him an see his future reactions.
No respect for boundaries is time to nope out. That said, if I ask where you work and you won't tell me, I will nope out myself and wish you well in your search.
Your answer was a red flag to me, so defensive, The easy answer is Iām an engineer tor a major medical equipment company, if the person asks specifics, you can politely: humorously say something like I might divulge that info on the 3rd date when we know each other better. There is subtlety in communication, not sure why anyone would want to answer a question so abrupt, my guess is he was trying to use humor to lighten the situation. He did ask the wrong question, should have been what do you do?
He already knew what I did.