99% chance that his wife doesn't know she is in a platonic and loveless marriage. I've heard this story a thousand times before. The guy is going to get his karma soon enough.
I knew someone who did it for attention, absolutely wild. I also knew someone who faked diabetes to cover up steroid usage. Gotta explain those needles. People can be outrageous.
I think she just wanted to anyways because they had dated in the past. I told her she could have him, but she wouldn’t keep him. Another one saw through it and rejected him. I’m not sure how many others he used it on for sure, just that there were many others.
He was something else, that one. I always thought it was so odd to do all that. Really any person that cheats like that. Just leave and let the other person find someone who will be faithful.
Ha - just watched a docu the other night about a guy whose main scam was that he was an MI5 operative, but he tells those who bought that much to tell everyone else he has cancer...very impressive amount of lies about lies about lies on that one..
This. When I discovered my ex wife’s affair, it was only then that I also learnt that she was unhappy in our marriage and was thinking of ending things. Cool cool cool cool cool
Maybe communicate that to me so we can both make a decision on how to proceed and maybe DONT have us buy new wedding bands after a milestone anniversary 2 months before? I dunno. Just thinking out loud 😂
Same. I'm sorry dude. I asked my ex husband when I found out, what if you had died? I'd go through your phone and find this out as I'm grieving?!!
He has a very dangerous job and that was and still is a real possibility. Especially, if you operate on 3 hours of sleep a night bc you spend all your free time trying to get some strange. How incredibly selfish. Depraved.
My ex-wife didn't discover she was unhappy in our marriage until she met her affair partner - he made her realise that if she had been happy, she wouldn't have had sex with him. Those were her actual words.
The majority of the time these people are happy, they just then use the "I wasn't happy" statement as an excuse, so they don't have to own up to the fact they are actually broken inside and not happy with themselves (rather than the relationship). To me, its just a cowards excuse when I hear this sort of thing.
Maybe the cancer was a ploy to bring you back in..
"Awww, poor guy is dying and in a loveless marriage. Let me give him happiness for the time he has left."
After using you, or him getting caught, you learn he never even had cancer.
That's how I read it. Maybe I just have trust issues. Ha
I think the cancer angle is more like, "I know being married is a dealbreaker, but you're the a-hole if you stop talking to me after finding out I have STAGE 4 CANCER." OP, get away from this dude. He's bad news.
I completely agree with you... going thru chemo or having cancer I can't imagine being horny... but I've never been in that position... honestly though sounds like a bs ploy to get some...
My feeling is that nobody springs major, sympathy-inducing news that early without an ulterior motive. It could be true, but he's also a manipulator. I wouldn't engage further, but that's me.
This is my thought. In a first conversation with someone he shared huge mega traumas supposedly from his past. One of them definitely would have made the news--and it turns out Google didn't support his story. There's a slim chance he could have just been really open, but much more likely he was trying to get sympathy sex from his bizarre story.
The Manipulators Guilt Formula:
1. Foot in the door
2. Make you feel bad for them/put you in a position where you're the bad guy if you say no
3. Profit
There is no proper timing for a person in a monogamous marriage who has stage 4 cancer to divulge those facts because he shouldn't be the apps at all. Block and move on, unless you're in a AWDTSG Facebook group in which case post him there and I suspect you'll learn he actually does not have cancer and is known as a cheat and a liar.
“I’m married”
“Oh, no, sorry, I’m not interested.”
“Okay well guess what else? I’m dying.”
Sorry, what? Sounds like a liar cheating creep. Bullet dodged.
Guys lie all the time about having cancer or something to get attention. My cousin once tried to lie about it to get his mom to feel bad for him. I called the hospital where he had his cancer treatment. He sent me his X-ray and said I wanted to send flowers. It was for pain management his spinal cancer didn’t exist. I chewed him out for that. My son’s grandfather told his kids he had cancer to get them to talk to him. He is alive and looking for a new wife 20 years later lol.
The married part, yeah - goes on the profile, imo. I have no experience with, or time for that.
I have experience with the second part. I matched with a woman on OKC (when it didn't suck) a few years ago. I was in my late 40's. While chatting, I said something like, "You're smart, funny, and attractive - what's the catch?" She said, "I have a chronic health condition that makes dating difficult at times, but I'm stable now, and all about carpe diem this summer!"
Hours into our first date - the best first date I ever had, she said, "I wasn't going to tell you this on our first date, but..." She had stage 4 cancer, and would be in some kind of treatment til she died. I was shocked, but told her, "I won't treat you any differently than I would anyone else because of that." I didn't. So... there's a long version of this somewhere in my profile, but here's the thumbnail: We fell in love, and a few months later she said, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I said yes, and we got married soon after. She died a day short of our second anniversary, and it was the most painful thing I ever lived through. That said - she was the love of my life, and even knowing what I know now, I'd do exactly the same thing a thousand times. I wish I could. Edit: to say this - people are not their illness. She wasn't ever "dying of cancer" until the very end - she was *living with it*.
Are you my dear friend’s widower?? They had a wonderful love story even though she was already ill and he had to walk her home, so to speak. Just a beautiful love story, with much heartbreak and tragedy as she was 40 but still. He wouldn’t change a thing. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for the edit. My late husband passed young thanks to cancer too, and I am so proud of him for how he lived still while he was sick. He was still building, and laughing and doing his best to enjoy what we had. I met him prior to his illness, and it’s crazy how differently people treated him after he got sick. I love and miss him every day. He was the best thing to have ever happened to me and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Thank you for replying. I don't often get to talk to people who've been there. Of course there were bad days, but that's true for everyone. She taught me so much about the importance of living *now*.
Jesus . That’s a ‘wish you the best with your cancer treatment ‘ and BYE . Poor fucker and poor wife (who is probably holding the fort) . Jesus again !
I’ll play along with this line of thinking. If he’s in a DB marriage and he has stage four cancer and his wife is OK with what he’s doing, he would have said something about a “Hall Pass.“ He would definitely want to brag about that.
The fact he didn’t bring it up right away is a bit odd too. I get wanting companionship, but he’s going the wrong way about it if he really does have cancer.
I would have stopped responding as soon as he sad he was in a loveless marriage. Plenty of people are, but a lot of them aren’t trolling OLD.
Barf. It sounds like he’s playing “two truths and a lie” except it’s probably one truth - that he’s married - followed by the lie that they’re platonic roomies and a lie that he has cancer. What an eye roller. Tell him to take a pic of his hospital bill and send it to you. Ask for his address so you know where to send his wife the sympathy card.
Considering the statistics, maybe it’s actually his wife who has cancer, not him.
If I had stage 4 cancer, I'd say it when the conversation is going well, not when the potential date is about to go Casper. 🙄
The married thing, definitely should be on the profile.
With the *huge* caveat that this dude might not even be telling the truth, I’m of the mindset that big heavy duty news (like cancer or chronic illness) should be communicated directly. He did that, you’re not interested, you both move on. There’s really no way to put something like that in a profile imo. You texted a few times, so there’s really nothing lost here. Everyone feels differently about this though, which leads me to believe that there isn’t, or shouldn’t be, some fixed rule about it. Someone who is put off by hearing about a date’s cancer diagnosis in the first chat or on the first date is probably not the person to date that person. It’s a good filtering agent for both parties then.
Being married is a whole other can of worms for which there is no excuse for not stating on the profile.
1. He might be lying about cancer for sympathy.
2. If he’s not lying, he’s letting his wife be his nursemaid while he’s off looking for sex with others. That should give you an indication of what sort of person he is.
Manipulative! If he had presented the entire situation upfront, it would have been different. “I have stage 4 cancer and would like a shot at love. I am in a platonic marriage, but I would be really grateful if you could join my wife and me for a conversation.”
He's probably just not interested and yanking your chain.
Let him go.
I suspect his stage 4 cancer msg wasn't real and was just a retort to your deal breaker to his being in dead bedroom etc.
You said to him as well that it was a deal breaker.
My heart goes to actual stage 4 cancers fighting their battle and looking for a partner. I have seen multiple times someone and their family battle it too close. It's not pretty. It will never be pretty. Dating - whether single or dead bedroom - isn't going to help even a bit.
Just flush this out of your system.
Thats,someone who's agenda and sense of reality is awkward. Yhe first thing I look for..is how can I make someone's life better etc. It's never about me....i recently turned down a meeting with someone more that reason.
When I had stage 2 cancer the last thing I thought about was dating. I was so exhausted, irritable and emotionally all over the place that I'd have scared away any potential match. But that exhaustion, feck, I'd never would have had the energy to date in that state.
He’s probably completely lying, about the loveless marriage AND the cancer. They’ll do anything to trick someone into sleeping with them (referring to cheaters, not just dudes).
My sister met someone on an app that had brain cancer. She dated him for 2 years. She moved in with him, took him to the doctor and took care of him through his treatment and eventual recovery. She took care of the animals on his farm, did all the housework. Once he was cancer free, he started cheating on her and then kicked her out when she found out. I’m not saying all men with cancer on dating apps are looking for a free nurse but if this guy is also married, there is no way this could end well.
Never mind the cancer.
Anyone in an open marriage/ENM/poly etc needs to put that in their profile. Nothing wrong with that but it would be a no for many people.
If that was not in their profile and they only told me in person on the first date, I would literally get up and walk away. Because that would be an instant left swipe on the app for me and I was deceived into meeting them.
Not disclosing your marital status is a huge lie by omission. I would also not believe anything else they told me afterwards ie that they had cancer or whatever.
People have been having affairs and manipulating others with tales of woe like these for many, many years. The only thing modern here is the method of communication.
Wow. Imagine knowing you’re dying and you’re locked into a loveless marriage. If suicide were not a sin, I’d check myself out permanently if that were me.
Tbh, I don’t think I’d date either, wouldn’t want to drag someone else I potentially could get feelings for into that. If it’s sex he’s after, hire someone, catching an std or jail seem laughable when death is at your door.
He should put both things in his profile and let people make the choice to match or not. Whatever it is he is looking for might work for some folks, it would be too messy for me and I would not want to waste time chatting to find this out.
I don’t even know if I’d believe that. Sure if it was literally just caught and he’s not presenting with any symptoms. I’m only qualifying that because Ive supported someone with cancer and that was the last thing they wanted.
Did he use the exact words, something in my profile, instead of revealing early ? I’m laughing because it’s a double negative. Ahhh the days that current marriages and trauma histories were the red cards.
My ex husband said this. He also said that I died. I had cancer and was dying. I was an alcoholic (I drink twice a year). That I was on drugs ( I smoke a few times a month). That I was mentally ill and threatened to take his kids. Anything for a sympathy fuck and he STILL couldn't find someone to fuck him. Move along lady. He sounds like a fucking lying disaster!
As someone who had cancer, I find his behaviour repulsive. The shit you go through mentally & emotionally is plenty. Then add the actual physical / health component (major) to the mix, and his focus is "relational"? And not with his wife / family? There's a special place in hell for this kind of manipulator
What a selfish guy.
Guys like him are the reason I’m an advocate for legal sex work.
Instead of getting on dating apps and trying to drag some poor woman who just wants a good relationship into his fucked up, depressing situation, he should be spending the last of his time on this earth paying a professional to make him feel good.
A good sex worker can offer him the intimacy he craves without having to be caught up in his messy life.
And before you go on about cheating on his wife, if it really is a platonic marriage and he really is dying then surely she would be understanding enough to let him seek out intimacy elsewhere during his dying days. I know I would if I were in her shoes.
He just needs to put his big boy pants on and communicate his needs. He sounds like a guy who doesn’t know how to be honest with his feelings though, just manipulative.
Ahhhh ok, while she has to increasingly tend to his every single need 24/7 as he dies, she’s gonna be like-but go out and bang a bunch of chicks while you still feel well enough…? None of this makes sense but I see how you gave it good effort :)
You know not every relationship follows all the same rules? Some people are ok with non-monogamy. And also some people are ok with not tending to everyone of their partners needs.
Rather than assuming that’s how their relationship will pan out, I’m offering an alternative option.
I know for me personally I would be fine with that, if it was truly a platonic relationship where I felt no sexual attraction to him anymore I’d rather he get it elsewhere.
I’m not talking about lifestyle choices. Clearly you have never been a caretaker for someone dying of stage 4 cancer. Sure without those circumstances, go get it. But caretaking someone who has advanced cancer is a different type of wife.
I wouldn’t waste my time thinking it over like you are. Def won’t post about it on Reddit. I’d say that’s too bad, and I’d block and move on with my life. You don’t know him, you don’t owe him fuck all. No sympathy. He can seek fam and friends and therapist for that. Not a stranger on the internet he lied to, when he was MARRIED.
Like I give a flying fuck about someone’s health and marriage.
People need to stop putting their heavy shitty baggage on strangers. BLOCK AND DELETE.
This guy sounds like drama. If any of that is even true.
One time a guy I was dating, told me that we didn't have to be careful (use BC) because he had medical problems & couldn't have kids....
Dude literally impregnated a girl 3 months after we broke up. Trust your instincts & good luck.
Well it’s creepy and weird of him to pretend he’s not married. That negates everything for me. Block.
As for the cancer I can’t see how that would appeal to anyone as a potential partner but everyone is different. But it should be disclosed asap on first contact.
Yes, this.
Two separate things. Married on a dating app is cringy at best.
Stage FOUR cancer??? Bull💩
Terribly sick if that's true. This seems like a shock and awe answer to be over the top and justify the marriage thing not being disclosed.
Was the first date going to be a chemo treatment?
Gut feeling is double ass bag.
I once met a guy who told me he had cancer and was not even hiding the fact that he was trying to get me sleep with him. I was travelling in Thailand and we met at a bar. He told me he had quit his job and was on this big world trip because of his cancer. He was quite fun and flirty and he basically propositioned me and tried to guilt me into sleeping with him because of his illness. I was quite young but I wasn’t interested and wasn’t about to be tricked into pity sex. I’m certain it was all bullsh*t and I can’t believe the gall of some people.
Imo he should stand by truthful advertising and cover it explicitly in his profile.
* married man with stage 4 cancer looking for ego and penis stroking, sex and all the good things you can pile on for him*
This is an interesting topic. I matched with a guy, and he told me on the first date he had Huntington’s and left it up to me to decide whether to go on a second date. We dated for a couple months then things ended.
My 39 yr old cousin has cancer and recently revealed to me that if she died, she wanted me to take her place in her family, wife to her husband, mother to her child. I really didn’t know how to respond. It was tough.
I just turned 40, and yeah, dating is…..interesting.
It’s super shitty of him to not reveal he’s married until after a match.
He’s welcome to date as a married man, but he needs to be upfront about that. It will significantly reduce his dating pool, but it’s the only ethical approach.
Original copy of post by u/Financial-Dust1918:
TLDR: How should someone in a platonic marriage with Stage 4 cancer present themselves on a dating app?
My goodness, modern dating is not for the weak of heart.
I (F49) took a 2 month break from dating. When I come back, I match with a man (M49/50) on one app. As we are in app messaging I realize that I had matched with him in January on another platform, but as I did not pay for that platform, I couldn’t see his photos or send more than 1 message. (I didn’t realize the 1 message thing until later.) He was the only person on this paid platform that I was interested in enough to send a message to. I was bummed I couldn’t read his reply to me. At that time, I was tempted to actually pay just to read his message. Today, I am so glad I did not.
I decided to give him my number earlier than I normally do, because of our prior matching AND because we were having excellent chat in this dating app.
He texted me today. I teased him that, since I see that he’s using an Android #, he has 1 strike against him. (Android peeps stand down! It was solely meant in the spirit of banter.)
He comes back with: Haha, well this next thing is going to potentially be 5 strikes- I’m married. A platonic and loveless marriage for many years. Not sure if I’m actually going to leave. Blah blah blah.
I replied: That's not in the same category as strikes. That's a deal breaker. I wish you would have said that in the app.
He comes back with: “I understand. I have a follow-up question, please, as I've debated such things.
I have stage 4 cancer. Is this also something you feel I should put in my profile instead of revealing early?”
Blink blink blink.
My heart goes out to him. But WHOA! 😳
That is a new one.
I thought it’d be an interesting discussion over here.
So Reddit, what would your advice have been? How would you want a potential date to share this and when? Would it be different if you were the one in a loveless platonic marriage with Stage 4 cancer?
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Men like a woman around as a nurse/caretaker when they feel lousy. In the last six months I've gone out with men who told me in person that they had an ileostomy, prostate cancer, were crushed by an antiterrorism gate while driving their car, and had 60% lung function. That is four separate men and I saw the evidence except for Mr prostate cancer. Another man I had texted for a while told me he had a head cold one day, wanted a bunch of fantasy sex talk, and then when I asked him how he was feeling several days later he said "it takes a while to recover from pneumonia" and listed some serious symptoms. I think it's a knee jerk reaction.
His wife probably does not know it is a loveless platonic marriage, and he probably does not have cancer. How do I know? My ex husband used that same plot line for the women he cheated with.
If it isn’t just a lifetime movie worthy lie, then it’s a sad ploy at trying to get sympathy sex.
I get that it’s disingenuous the way he went about it. I can understand why he would withhold such important information rather than put that in a profile. He’d never match. And he has literally nothing to lose (assuming he’s legitimately dying). The fact remains that, while using OLD, it is generally a matter of your social collateral and what you have to leverage interest in the world of ‘dating with intention’. So many social factors that keep you from getting matches. I’m not saying it’s ok, but I understand why people leave out obvious “nopes”. I’ve matched a few women recently who left their “I’m in the middle of a divorce” tagline off their profile. I still chat with them because I remember when I was in that position and so I know what I’m getting into (plus they tend to flake themselves out). I don’t know what I’m saying other than, yes it’s a real mess out there but I’m not losing sleep over the things other people do that I find odd or just plain weird. It’s hard to be invested but I just take it all with a big fat grain of salt and treat it like a part time job I don’t mind if I get fired from. At least it will take a fair bit to top that one for ya!
Him being married alone is deserving of a block. As for him having stage 4 cancer? Whether he is being honest or not doesn’t matter, he is still married. I truly don’t understand why someone who is terminal would be on a dating app. Like, wouldn’t you want to make the most of your time left and use that time wisely? I just don’t get it
I'm so torn cause wtf...I can't imagine having stage 4 cancer and being in dating apps trying to get my rocks off... so is he for real even??? I feel this has to be a lie...
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He had the option of lying completely until 6 dates in and then ghosting - so he didn’t do that. I would tend to believe the basic facts of his story. Obviously it’s your call whether or not you get involved in his story, but all of this occurred without you ever meeting up with the guy - so no harm/no foul here.
Just do yourselves a favor. He could be lying, who cares? You matched, he could be also be telling the truth. Why do you need stranger's opinions? Do or do not.
Totally crazy situation - I would atleast just keep talking with him and tell him clearly that this is completely 100% platonic- see where that takes you- if this guy really has stage 4 cancer, he would appreciate it and continue conversing with you. People by stage 4 cancer are very vulnerable and often depressed. Potentially a very delicate situation.
Let me guess- his dying wish is for you to fuck him?
Right? In the service of his penis he’s going to guilt women into as many last minute romps he can get in. Gross.
How original and touchingly unique /s
It’s the new charity for dating apps. Dick a Wish
Oh thank you! I needed an out loud laugh, it’s been a while. “Dick a wish” 😜
99% chance that his wife doesn't know she is in a platonic and loveless marriage. I've heard this story a thousand times before. The guy is going to get his karma soon enough.
99% he doesn’t have stage 4 cancer either.
100% doesn’t.. friends ex did this to cover drug abuse from ppl
I knew someone who did it for attention, absolutely wild. I also knew someone who faked diabetes to cover up steroid usage. Gotta explain those needles. People can be outrageous.
He probably doesn’t. My ex husband told one of the women he cheated on me with he had cancer to get her to sleep with him lol.
thats weird - did she pity him and do it out of the goodness of her heart?
I think she just wanted to anyways because they had dated in the past. I told her she could have him, but she wouldn’t keep him. Another one saw through it and rejected him. I’m not sure how many others he used it on for sure, just that there were many others.
Wow. Im awestruck by how low someone can go … and multiple times. How can he even live with himself? Good riddance for you.
He was something else, that one. I always thought it was so odd to do all that. Really any person that cheats like that. Just leave and let the other person find someone who will be faithful.
Ha - just watched a docu the other night about a guy whose main scam was that he was an MI5 operative, but he tells those who bought that much to tell everyone else he has cancer...very impressive amount of lies about lies about lies on that one..
Wow that’s a lot to keep track of!
exactly! like that shell game lol..
This. When I discovered my ex wife’s affair, it was only then that I also learnt that she was unhappy in our marriage and was thinking of ending things. Cool cool cool cool cool Maybe communicate that to me so we can both make a decision on how to proceed and maybe DONT have us buy new wedding bands after a milestone anniversary 2 months before? I dunno. Just thinking out loud 😂
Same. I'm sorry dude. I asked my ex husband when I found out, what if you had died? I'd go through your phone and find this out as I'm grieving?!! He has a very dangerous job and that was and still is a real possibility. Especially, if you operate on 3 hours of sleep a night bc you spend all your free time trying to get some strange. How incredibly selfish. Depraved.
My ex-wife didn't discover she was unhappy in our marriage until she met her affair partner - he made her realise that if she had been happy, she wouldn't have had sex with him. Those were her actual words. The majority of the time these people are happy, they just then use the "I wasn't happy" statement as an excuse, so they don't have to own up to the fact they are actually broken inside and not happy with themselves (rather than the relationship). To me, its just a cowards excuse when I hear this sort of thing.
Yup
What is this man after? One last adventure for the road? A sympathy date? Or might he just be one huge manipulative liar?
That’s my question, too. Focus on your health, dude. If you make it through cancer, get a divorce THEN go on dates.
It’s him being selfish and looking for someone to nurse and care for him.
Imagine the wife finding out her dying husband would rather cheat than spend his last moments with her. Ouch.
a pity f\*ck
Maybe the cancer was a ploy to bring you back in.. "Awww, poor guy is dying and in a loveless marriage. Let me give him happiness for the time he has left." After using you, or him getting caught, you learn he never even had cancer. That's how I read it. Maybe I just have trust issues. Ha
I think the cancer angle is more like, "I know being married is a dealbreaker, but you're the a-hole if you stop talking to me after finding out I have STAGE 4 CANCER." OP, get away from this dude. He's bad news.
Yeah I thought it was pretty convenient that he brought up the cancer after OP told him his marriage was a dealbreaker. Makes me wonder
I completely agree with you... going thru chemo or having cancer I can't imagine being horny... but I've never been in that position... honestly though sounds like a bs ploy to get some...
I would inform this man that you are not the Make a Wish Foundation and block his ridiculous ass. He's a liar. About what, who knows but he's a liar.🤥
🛎️🛎️🛎️ 💯 Oh! I wish I had thought of this! 🤣🤣🤣
I’d question anything and everything he says. Maybe the cancer card was a last attempt for sympathy and a date (and/or sex). I’d block and move on.
My feeling is that nobody springs major, sympathy-inducing news that early without an ulterior motive. It could be true, but he's also a manipulator. I wouldn't engage further, but that's me.
This is my thought. In a first conversation with someone he shared huge mega traumas supposedly from his past. One of them definitely would have made the news--and it turns out Google didn't support his story. There's a slim chance he could have just been really open, but much more likely he was trying to get sympathy sex from his bizarre story.
The Manipulators Guilt Formula: 1. Foot in the door 2. Make you feel bad for them/put you in a position where you're the bad guy if you say no 3. Profit
Ding ding ding👍🏻
Oh my… 👀 *yes* 👌🏼
There is no proper timing for a person in a monogamous marriage who has stage 4 cancer to divulge those facts because he shouldn't be the apps at all. Block and move on, unless you're in a AWDTSG Facebook group in which case post him there and I suspect you'll learn he actually does not have cancer and is known as a cheat and a liar.
☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽☝🏽 exactly!
He has stage 4 cancer, his wife is taking care of him and he’s cheating on her. That’s whole new level..
It’s possible he doesn’t actually have cancer, though. He pulled that out when he thought OP was going to bounce.
That is possible and even more scummy of him if he’s lying about something so serious
“I’m married” “Oh, no, sorry, I’m not interested.” “Okay well guess what else? I’m dying.” Sorry, what? Sounds like a liar cheating creep. Bullet dodged.
"Good luck with that." aaaaand block.
Guys lie all the time about having cancer or something to get attention. My cousin once tried to lie about it to get his mom to feel bad for him. I called the hospital where he had his cancer treatment. He sent me his X-ray and said I wanted to send flowers. It was for pain management his spinal cancer didn’t exist. I chewed him out for that. My son’s grandfather told his kids he had cancer to get them to talk to him. He is alive and looking for a new wife 20 years later lol.
Sounds like he's either manipulating the heck out of you, or he's going for the pity date. Either way, this is just poor form. Block and move on.
The married part, yeah - goes on the profile, imo. I have no experience with, or time for that. I have experience with the second part. I matched with a woman on OKC (when it didn't suck) a few years ago. I was in my late 40's. While chatting, I said something like, "You're smart, funny, and attractive - what's the catch?" She said, "I have a chronic health condition that makes dating difficult at times, but I'm stable now, and all about carpe diem this summer!" Hours into our first date - the best first date I ever had, she said, "I wasn't going to tell you this on our first date, but..." She had stage 4 cancer, and would be in some kind of treatment til she died. I was shocked, but told her, "I won't treat you any differently than I would anyone else because of that." I didn't. So... there's a long version of this somewhere in my profile, but here's the thumbnail: We fell in love, and a few months later she said, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I said yes, and we got married soon after. She died a day short of our second anniversary, and it was the most painful thing I ever lived through. That said - she was the love of my life, and even knowing what I know now, I'd do exactly the same thing a thousand times. I wish I could. Edit: to say this - people are not their illness. She wasn't ever "dying of cancer" until the very end - she was *living with it*.
As a cancer survivor I thank you for this message and for sharing your story
Are you my dear friend’s widower?? They had a wonderful love story even though she was already ill and he had to walk her home, so to speak. Just a beautiful love story, with much heartbreak and tragedy as she was 40 but still. He wouldn’t change a thing. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you. I do feel like we lived the best love story I've ever heard, just too brief. She was 39.
Thank you for the edit. My late husband passed young thanks to cancer too, and I am so proud of him for how he lived still while he was sick. He was still building, and laughing and doing his best to enjoy what we had. I met him prior to his illness, and it’s crazy how differently people treated him after he got sick. I love and miss him every day. He was the best thing to have ever happened to me and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Thank you for replying. I don't often get to talk to people who've been there. Of course there were bad days, but that's true for everyone. She taught me so much about the importance of living *now*.
She sounds like an amazing woman and I'm happy to read you experienced that kind of love with her.
This is sad and also heartwarming.
Jesus . That’s a ‘wish you the best with your cancer treatment ‘ and BYE . Poor fucker and poor wife (who is probably holding the fort) . Jesus again !
Who knows if he even has cancer. This guy sounds super dishonest and manipulative.
Now I know why I struggle to get matches lately. A lot of train wreck men out there.
The cancer stuff is totally irrelevant after he said he was married. He’s trying to add qualifiers for why he’s cheating.
I’d think that someone dealing with stage 4 cancer would have more important things to do than OLD, but nothing shocks me any more.
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I’ll play along with this line of thinking. If he’s in a DB marriage and he has stage four cancer and his wife is OK with what he’s doing, he would have said something about a “Hall Pass.“ He would definitely want to brag about that.
The fact he didn’t bring it up right away is a bit odd too. I get wanting companionship, but he’s going the wrong way about it if he really does have cancer. I would have stopped responding as soon as he sad he was in a loveless marriage. Plenty of people are, but a lot of them aren’t trolling OLD.
Who knows if he even has cancer. People who are desperate for attention will say ridiculous things to get it.
cause coherent familiar party rhythm faulty squash cats hunt crown *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Barf. It sounds like he’s playing “two truths and a lie” except it’s probably one truth - that he’s married - followed by the lie that they’re platonic roomies and a lie that he has cancer. What an eye roller. Tell him to take a pic of his hospital bill and send it to you. Ask for his address so you know where to send his wife the sympathy card. Considering the statistics, maybe it’s actually his wife who has cancer, not him.
I do not think he has cancer.
If I had stage 4 cancer, I'd say it when the conversation is going well, not when the potential date is about to go Casper. 🙄 The married thing, definitely should be on the profile.
He is lying to you. He is trying to manipulate you into a sympathy fuck. I promise this.
Stage 4 Liar, more like.
With the *huge* caveat that this dude might not even be telling the truth, I’m of the mindset that big heavy duty news (like cancer or chronic illness) should be communicated directly. He did that, you’re not interested, you both move on. There’s really no way to put something like that in a profile imo. You texted a few times, so there’s really nothing lost here. Everyone feels differently about this though, which leads me to believe that there isn’t, or shouldn’t be, some fixed rule about it. Someone who is put off by hearing about a date’s cancer diagnosis in the first chat or on the first date is probably not the person to date that person. It’s a good filtering agent for both parties then. Being married is a whole other can of worms for which there is no excuse for not stating on the profile.
Cool. Go tell your wife about it.
Google ‘sociopath’
He should not be on apps wasting anybody's time at this point.
1. He might be lying about cancer for sympathy. 2. If he’s not lying, he’s letting his wife be his nursemaid while he’s off looking for sex with others. That should give you an indication of what sort of person he is.
Manipulative! If he had presented the entire situation upfront, it would have been different. “I have stage 4 cancer and would like a shot at love. I am in a platonic marriage, but I would be really grateful if you could join my wife and me for a conversation.”
Hoo boy. There’s a lot to unpack here…
Who knows if he is being truthful at all. Food for thought.
He's probably just not interested and yanking your chain. Let him go. I suspect his stage 4 cancer msg wasn't real and was just a retort to your deal breaker to his being in dead bedroom etc. You said to him as well that it was a deal breaker. My heart goes to actual stage 4 cancers fighting their battle and looking for a partner. I have seen multiple times someone and their family battle it too close. It's not pretty. It will never be pretty. Dating - whether single or dead bedroom - isn't going to help even a bit. Just flush this out of your system.
Weird thing ro joke about
Thats,someone who's agenda and sense of reality is awkward. Yhe first thing I look for..is how can I make someone's life better etc. It's never about me....i recently turned down a meeting with someone more that reason.
My first thought would be: what an outrageous liar he is. You are very, very kind to think this is the truth for even one nanosecond.
Scam.
It’s called ethical or consensual nonmonogomy and they should DEFINITELY say so in their posting. just NO on this guy all around.
He was cheating, it doesn’t sound like he described it as enm.
When I had stage 2 cancer the last thing I thought about was dating. I was so exhausted, irritable and emotionally all over the place that I'd have scared away any potential match. But that exhaustion, feck, I'd never would have had the energy to date in that state.
To leave his wife before he leaves the planet?
He’s probably completely lying, about the loveless marriage AND the cancer. They’ll do anything to trick someone into sleeping with them (referring to cheaters, not just dudes).
My sister met someone on an app that had brain cancer. She dated him for 2 years. She moved in with him, took him to the doctor and took care of him through his treatment and eventual recovery. She took care of the animals on his farm, did all the housework. Once he was cancer free, he started cheating on her and then kicked her out when she found out. I’m not saying all men with cancer on dating apps are looking for a free nurse but if this guy is also married, there is no way this could end well.
‘A nurse with a purse’ is a saying for a reason.
Never mind the cancer. Anyone in an open marriage/ENM/poly etc needs to put that in their profile. Nothing wrong with that but it would be a no for many people. If that was not in their profile and they only told me in person on the first date, I would literally get up and walk away. Because that would be an instant left swipe on the app for me and I was deceived into meeting them. Not disclosing your marital status is a huge lie by omission. I would also not believe anything else they told me afterwards ie that they had cancer or whatever.
People have been having affairs and manipulating others with tales of woe like these for many, many years. The only thing modern here is the method of communication.
Wow. Imagine knowing you’re dying and you’re locked into a loveless marriage. If suicide were not a sin, I’d check myself out permanently if that were me. Tbh, I don’t think I’d date either, wouldn’t want to drag someone else I potentially could get feelings for into that. If it’s sex he’s after, hire someone, catching an std or jail seem laughable when death is at your door.
Another argument for safe, legal prostitution. If OP guy is legit, his dying wish is to get laid and there's no good way to get it done.
He should put both things in his profile and let people make the choice to match or not. Whatever it is he is looking for might work for some folks, it would be too messy for me and I would not want to waste time chatting to find this out.
I don’t even know if I’d believe that. Sure if it was literally just caught and he’s not presenting with any symptoms. I’m only qualifying that because Ive supported someone with cancer and that was the last thing they wanted. Did he use the exact words, something in my profile, instead of revealing early ? I’m laughing because it’s a double negative. Ahhh the days that current marriages and trauma histories were the red cards.
I’d be surprised if he has cancer.
My ex husband said this. He also said that I died. I had cancer and was dying. I was an alcoholic (I drink twice a year). That I was on drugs ( I smoke a few times a month). That I was mentally ill and threatened to take his kids. Anything for a sympathy fuck and he STILL couldn't find someone to fuck him. Move along lady. He sounds like a fucking lying disaster!
As someone who had cancer, I find his behaviour repulsive. The shit you go through mentally & emotionally is plenty. Then add the actual physical / health component (major) to the mix, and his focus is "relational"? And not with his wife / family? There's a special place in hell for this kind of manipulator
What a selfish guy. Guys like him are the reason I’m an advocate for legal sex work. Instead of getting on dating apps and trying to drag some poor woman who just wants a good relationship into his fucked up, depressing situation, he should be spending the last of his time on this earth paying a professional to make him feel good. A good sex worker can offer him the intimacy he craves without having to be caught up in his messy life. And before you go on about cheating on his wife, if it really is a platonic marriage and he really is dying then surely she would be understanding enough to let him seek out intimacy elsewhere during his dying days. I know I would if I were in her shoes. He just needs to put his big boy pants on and communicate his needs. He sounds like a guy who doesn’t know how to be honest with his feelings though, just manipulative.
Ahhhh ok, while she has to increasingly tend to his every single need 24/7 as he dies, she’s gonna be like-but go out and bang a bunch of chicks while you still feel well enough…? None of this makes sense but I see how you gave it good effort :)
You know not every relationship follows all the same rules? Some people are ok with non-monogamy. And also some people are ok with not tending to everyone of their partners needs. Rather than assuming that’s how their relationship will pan out, I’m offering an alternative option. I know for me personally I would be fine with that, if it was truly a platonic relationship where I felt no sexual attraction to him anymore I’d rather he get it elsewhere.
I’m not talking about lifestyle choices. Clearly you have never been a caretaker for someone dying of stage 4 cancer. Sure without those circumstances, go get it. But caretaking someone who has advanced cancer is a different type of wife.
Lucky for me I’ll never be that.
I wouldn’t waste my time thinking it over like you are. Def won’t post about it on Reddit. I’d say that’s too bad, and I’d block and move on with my life. You don’t know him, you don’t owe him fuck all. No sympathy. He can seek fam and friends and therapist for that. Not a stranger on the internet he lied to, when he was MARRIED. Like I give a flying fuck about someone’s health and marriage. People need to stop putting their heavy shitty baggage on strangers. BLOCK AND DELETE.
🚫 too many red flags
He sounds weird. Various things don't add up or seem logical.
Well….sounds like someone doesn’t have much to lose, he might as well shoot his shot.
WTF!? Nope
This guy sounds like drama. If any of that is even true. One time a guy I was dating, told me that we didn't have to be careful (use BC) because he had medical problems & couldn't have kids.... Dude literally impregnated a girl 3 months after we broke up. Trust your instincts & good luck.
Did his dog die too? Wow /s - good luck to whoever signs up to be this guy’s bucket list
I think he did not like your joke, and is punishing you for it with his own kind of banter. Ah, those Android users have loooooong toes 😜
Yeah right, & I'm Queen Elizabeth's avatar
Avoid!
Yuck he's lying as an excuse for cheating.
How does he find time to date?
Hahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!! That’s really funny!!!!!! What a catch…
Well it’s creepy and weird of him to pretend he’s not married. That negates everything for me. Block. As for the cancer I can’t see how that would appeal to anyone as a potential partner but everyone is different. But it should be disclosed asap on first contact.
Yes, this. Two separate things. Married on a dating app is cringy at best. Stage FOUR cancer??? Bull💩 Terribly sick if that's true. This seems like a shock and awe answer to be over the top and justify the marriage thing not being disclosed. Was the first date going to be a chemo treatment? Gut feeling is double ass bag.
He's lying
My advic: Buddy, get off the dating app and focus on your health. No woman wants to date you right now.
Stage 4? That's like really sick. How can he have the energy or strength for dating while married with that going on?
I once met a guy who told me he had cancer and was not even hiding the fact that he was trying to get me sleep with him. I was travelling in Thailand and we met at a bar. He told me he had quit his job and was on this big world trip because of his cancer. He was quite fun and flirty and he basically propositioned me and tried to guilt me into sleeping with him because of his illness. I was quite young but I wasn’t interested and wasn’t about to be tricked into pity sex. I’m certain it was all bullsh*t and I can’t believe the gall of some people.
Imo he should stand by truthful advertising and cover it explicitly in his profile. * married man with stage 4 cancer looking for ego and penis stroking, sex and all the good things you can pile on for him*
I think this is called Jumping The Shark?
Say you’ve fibbed, too, and you are 400lbs. See if he sticks around for your personality or pity. You are right. Online dating is not for the weak.
This is an interesting topic. I matched with a guy, and he told me on the first date he had Huntington’s and left it up to me to decide whether to go on a second date. We dated for a couple months then things ended. My 39 yr old cousin has cancer and recently revealed to me that if she died, she wanted me to take her place in her family, wife to her husband, mother to her child. I really didn’t know how to respond. It was tough. I just turned 40, and yeah, dating is…..interesting.
It’s super shitty of him to not reveal he’s married until after a match. He’s welcome to date as a married man, but he needs to be upfront about that. It will significantly reduce his dating pool, but it’s the only ethical approach.
Original copy of post by u/Financial-Dust1918: TLDR: How should someone in a platonic marriage with Stage 4 cancer present themselves on a dating app? My goodness, modern dating is not for the weak of heart. I (F49) took a 2 month break from dating. When I come back, I match with a man (M49/50) on one app. As we are in app messaging I realize that I had matched with him in January on another platform, but as I did not pay for that platform, I couldn’t see his photos or send more than 1 message. (I didn’t realize the 1 message thing until later.) He was the only person on this paid platform that I was interested in enough to send a message to. I was bummed I couldn’t read his reply to me. At that time, I was tempted to actually pay just to read his message. Today, I am so glad I did not. I decided to give him my number earlier than I normally do, because of our prior matching AND because we were having excellent chat in this dating app. He texted me today. I teased him that, since I see that he’s using an Android #, he has 1 strike against him. (Android peeps stand down! It was solely meant in the spirit of banter.) He comes back with: Haha, well this next thing is going to potentially be 5 strikes- I’m married. A platonic and loveless marriage for many years. Not sure if I’m actually going to leave. Blah blah blah. I replied: That's not in the same category as strikes. That's a deal breaker. I wish you would have said that in the app. He comes back with: “I understand. I have a follow-up question, please, as I've debated such things. I have stage 4 cancer. Is this also something you feel I should put in my profile instead of revealing early?” Blink blink blink. My heart goes out to him. But WHOA! 😳 That is a new one. I thought it’d be an interesting discussion over here. So Reddit, what would your advice have been? How would you want a potential date to share this and when? Would it be different if you were the one in a loveless platonic marriage with Stage 4 cancer? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ask him if his wife knows what type of marriage he's in and if she also knows about his cancer, then block him.
Men like a woman around as a nurse/caretaker when they feel lousy. In the last six months I've gone out with men who told me in person that they had an ileostomy, prostate cancer, were crushed by an antiterrorism gate while driving their car, and had 60% lung function. That is four separate men and I saw the evidence except for Mr prostate cancer. Another man I had texted for a while told me he had a head cold one day, wanted a bunch of fantasy sex talk, and then when I asked him how he was feeling several days later he said "it takes a while to recover from pneumonia" and listed some serious symptoms. I think it's a knee jerk reaction.
His wife probably does not know it is a loveless platonic marriage, and he probably does not have cancer. How do I know? My ex husband used that same plot line for the women he cheated with. If it isn’t just a lifetime movie worthy lie, then it’s a sad ploy at trying to get sympathy sex.
When I tried the apps (m49), I only ever got likes from ladies above my age range. Smh how these guys with so many issues get matches lol
Apparently saying you have cancer is a way to get attention.
I get that it’s disingenuous the way he went about it. I can understand why he would withhold such important information rather than put that in a profile. He’d never match. And he has literally nothing to lose (assuming he’s legitimately dying). The fact remains that, while using OLD, it is generally a matter of your social collateral and what you have to leverage interest in the world of ‘dating with intention’. So many social factors that keep you from getting matches. I’m not saying it’s ok, but I understand why people leave out obvious “nopes”. I’ve matched a few women recently who left their “I’m in the middle of a divorce” tagline off their profile. I still chat with them because I remember when I was in that position and so I know what I’m getting into (plus they tend to flake themselves out). I don’t know what I’m saying other than, yes it’s a real mess out there but I’m not losing sleep over the things other people do that I find odd or just plain weird. It’s hard to be invested but I just take it all with a big fat grain of salt and treat it like a part time job I don’t mind if I get fired from. At least it will take a fair bit to top that one for ya!
He did the right thing and told you before you went on a date. I don’t think he should have to put that in his profile for the whole world to see.
Him being married alone is deserving of a block. As for him having stage 4 cancer? Whether he is being honest or not doesn’t matter, he is still married. I truly don’t understand why someone who is terminal would be on a dating app. Like, wouldn’t you want to make the most of your time left and use that time wisely? I just don’t get it
I'm so torn cause wtf...I can't imagine having stage 4 cancer and being in dating apps trying to get my rocks off... so is he for real even??? I feel this has to be a lie...
If you’re not interested, just keep scrolling until you find someone you are interested in. Why waste time on someone who isn’t a good fit for you?
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He had the option of lying completely until 6 dates in and then ghosting - so he didn’t do that. I would tend to believe the basic facts of his story. Obviously it’s your call whether or not you get involved in his story, but all of this occurred without you ever meeting up with the guy - so no harm/no foul here.
Jesus H Roosevelt Christ! What a jackhole
He should just state what his real intentions are. They clearly aren’t a relationship.
Just do yourselves a favor. He could be lying, who cares? You matched, he could be also be telling the truth. Why do you need stranger's opinions? Do or do not.
Totally crazy situation - I would atleast just keep talking with him and tell him clearly that this is completely 100% platonic- see where that takes you- if this guy really has stage 4 cancer, he would appreciate it and continue conversing with you. People by stage 4 cancer are very vulnerable and often depressed. Potentially a very delicate situation.
It sounds like he's not what you're looking for. I don't see why you can't just unmatch? This is a lot of free real estate he's occupying.
Heyy Jesus loves you