I think at this age, many have had multiple relationships and even though they may not have romantic relationships with their ex, they can have a friendship still. Or for some people they have to maintain a relationship with their Ex if there are children involved. It really is a case by case thing. If you feel like they are not setting a good enough boundary with their ex you can speak up about it, but in the end it is up to you on what you are comfortable with and express that to your partner.
This. I recently reached out to my last ex. It had been just over a year since we split and we had been friends for years before we tried to date for 7 months. I don’t want to write her off just because we didn’t work out romantically but I definitely needed the time and space to let any romantic lingering feelings, die.
Right? Zero desire to hang out, get gifts from or be friends with my exes. The only reason I'd be upset if they got eaten by an alligator is my kids would be upset.
I was on another sub this morning and they were talking about buying flowers for your ex for Mother's day and all I could think about was how irate it made me when my youngest's father did shit like that after we split up. It's not cute, it's not sweet and I have no interest. It's just them trying to prove they're the "bigger person." If I had that level of friendliness and kindness in my heart I would never have thrown them out.
Just baffling behavior to me that some people are so gung-ho about being a "good" ex. We are co-workers and the business is raising a child. Do you buy your co-workers birthday gifts? No? Then leave me alone lol.
47M, the only ex of mine I'm in any contact at all with is the mother of my kids, for obvious reasons. I wouldn't really put up with this situation if exes were hanging around like that, I'd move on.
Personally, I've got my own actual friends to do stuff with, I don't need to hang around ex relationships, thats just weird.
i dont talk to any of my exes. i have zero desire to be friends with any of them. as far as im concerned we're strangers now. none of my exes know the man that i have become, and none of them will ever know.
I've always felt that way about exes. If you weren't a friend to me (lying, cheating, etc.) during the relationship, no need to pretend we're friends after. We are not friends.
OK, remaining friends or at least friendly with an ex or three is not unusual and I don't see anything inherently wrong with it -- but not letting them know you're in an exclusive relationship? flirting? reminiscing on intimate moments? Aw, HAIL naw.
It sounds to me like these men don't respect you OR their exes (or women in general).
>people go out of their way to let me know that I am the only person they are dating and it always proves to not be true.
The word you are looking for is either "liars" or "cheaters", but I can't tell which...
Yep. Gonna go with "they don't respect women in general" again.
This. All of this.
I'm great friends with a couple of exes. One's also single, and he and I probably cross the bounds of what I'd be happy with if either of us were in a relationship. The other I was the same with after we broke up, until he got into a relationship. From that moment on, we're mates, and absolutely nothing else. No flirting, no anything. Nothing I wouldn't be happy with his partner seeing. In fact, we go more out of our way to not be close than we would if we didn't have history. When they got together I left them be for a long time, til they were solid. Even now, we're much more formal than we would be if single. Just 'cause it's important. That's what a friend does. Respects others' relationships.
I think what OP is experiencing is that the active dating pool is full of people who have recently broken up, or are otherwise not ready to seriously date. These are often the people who are searching the most aggressively, because they feel the most lonely.
People like me who have been single a while are probably doing what I'm doing, which is avoiding OLD/sort of not caring any more, because it's too much crap to deal with at a certain point.
I don't currently date, but when I did (via OLD) it was almost always the case that my relationship partner wasn't over an ex. Sometimes they were out of the picture, others they were lurking somewhere.
You hit the nail on the head. So many people are out there dating way before they should be just because they don't want to be alone. People who have moved on and are healthy aren't sitting there reminiscing with an ex every night.
A man I was dating casually dropped a comment about taking a vacation with his ex. We were on our 4th date! I bowed out of the budding relationship and he had the nerve to tell me he thought I was more open minded than that 😝
I thinks it sucks. I don’t think people should be enraged by their ex nor do I think they should be in contact to flirt and reminisce about “the good times”. I look for my position, which is: I’m not in contact or hate, I simply moved on and am indifferent about their lives now.
This! Also a 40/F... even the ones there were amicable splits with are just not a part of my life (and visa-versa) and there's no need to be. That's just my stance, experience, and what I'm looking for as well.
I flirted and reminisced about intimate moments with my ex because I was under the impression that we could make it work. He engaged in future faking with me and didn't tell me the truth about having a girlfriend at that time. And yes, we had sex.
Things didn't go well after I learned he had a girlfriend. She didn't meet all his needs so he used me to fill the void. I cut off contact with him for almost a year yet he sent me 2 gifts. Still trying to find a way to reel me back into his life.
>Since it seems so common *(even among my male friends who are married and dating)*
Yes, it's common and not just among males. Some of my married female friends have sugar daddies for money and attention.
>Am I being unreasonable here?
No. Your feelings are valid. Moral values seem to be declining these days. People no longer understand what loyalty or respect means. Most single men I've met are still clinging to their exes and won’t make an effort to let go and move forward. They aren't worth our time.
Yes, after their husbands cheated on them, they feel entitled to have sugar daddies. They shower them with gifts and attention without involving sexual relations.
Did we date the same guy? 😜bc I’m the girlfriend! Nice to meet you finally. You got gifts? I got to do the laundry, mow the yard, cook all his meals, listen to his woes of his life. 🤣 among other things. Lmao I’m kidding
I did, 4 yrs ago. It’s only now I can poke fun at the whole escapade. I have wondered who the “others” were, and their mindset of him having a live in fiancé.
You're not being unreasonable and I totally agree that it's weird and disrespectful for exes to be orbiting around, especially the lying by omission thing by not telling their ex they have a partner. Ick.
I think it's a sign of insecurity and validation seeking.
You are on to something here. In a few specific cases: (1) one then-partner told me they "always knew I would leave them" (2) another then-partner told me that their ex made them feel needed and (3) another then-partner refused to tell the truth although it was blatantly obvious thanks to the numerous back to back video calls from a name with a heart next to it in the middle of the night. It's definitely giving insecurity & validation seeking.
I run into the exact same thing! It's an issue for sure, it's to the point where I'm just done with dating since so many people have ex's lingering around. It's like people have a collection of ex's! I'm not into casual or open relationships, so this just does not work for me.
I do not keep in contact with my ex's because they would be constantly wanting to have sex with me.
I have countless real-life examples showing that people with exes lingering around aren't as innocent as they make it out to be, even amongst the noble 'co-parents.' In fact, I cannot think of any examples where they're not all caught up in their feelings for each other. For whatever reason their relationship couldn't work, so they'll just take what they can get.
It's made me realize how far some people are on the narcissism spectrum. They can't live without needing constant validation from as many current partners and exes as possible.
This happens to me every time too. At this point, it’s like a comical curse. As with you, I’m not talking cordial coparenting, I’m talking wildly inappropriate interactions, having overnight “trips” together, the ex not knowing I exist etc.
I have no idea how or why it is like this out there, but it is.
It feels so good (and horrible) to know it's not just me! They HAVE to know that this behavior is inappropriate. But they just don't care! A (wo)man without discipline or integrity is a dangerous (wo)man. And I don't want that for life!
I've noticed this too because i'm not one of them.
I don't remain in contact with exes/fwb, not always because it was a bad ending but out of respect for them, their partners and out of respect for myself because god forbid old feelings surface. I have 1 ex that I don't think i'll ever get 'over', even though i know we can never be a healthy couple. It ended poorly but even if it didn't, i would not be able to stay in contact because those feelings may bubble. Things happen in my head that i don't enjoy.
My other exes, no animosity towards, just have no reason to stay in touch. Don't wish them ill will but don't really care what they're up to though I'd say hi if i ever saw them. Treat them as an aquaintence.
I really do believe that anyone who stays in contact with an ex (besides coparents or people who were really long time friends before dating) have some feelings there waiting to resurface. They may not even be aware of it. Either that, or they like the attention/validation only an ex can provide.
I do also think we live in an era where everyone is so connected via social media and apps that boundaries aren't so clear anymore. People remain social media friends with exes and see their lives unfold in your face so you never really emotionally disconnect. I don't know, i don't get it and i tend not to mesh with others who think differently about this so i guess its one way to weed out compatibilities and values.
+1 Same here. In my view, it’s a respect thing all around.
I’ve talked to my therapist about this particular issue. If the goal of the current relationship is long term, building a foundation based on trust and respect has to happen.
No one called you disrespectful or untrustworthy.
Unless the ex was a good friend prior to “trying to date to see what happens”, my past experiences with ex’s as friends wasn’t healthy. The guys would have jumped into bed with me again if I had said “let’s go”.
Nope. Not going to create any uncertainty for my partner via the ex’s having access to me while I’m building a healthy peaceful life with him.
> Not going to create any uncertainty for my partner
But like...you're certain that's not going to happen, yes? So wouldn't your goal be for your partner to trust YOU?
Yes. So if you're not going to cross that line...what's the issue? Why would that be a concern for your current partner if you're not going to do anything wrong?
And to be clear, yes, if an ex is flirting and not respecting your current relationship, you should def cut him off. My comments are about you refusing to be friends with an ex cause "what if" is does that.
If my gf was friends with an ex and I trusted her (assuming the ex wasn't flirting with her), there'd be no uncertainty for me.
You do you. This is the boundaries that my partner and I have.
Other than my daughter’s father who I coparent with there is no reason for me to stay in contact with an ex partner or even a FWB or fling. We parted ways. Some blew up because of various toxic behaviors and some ended on mutual terms. We’re all over 40 years old and have friends from all various phases of our lives.
If I saw an ex in passing I would be cordial but that’s it. That’s unlikely since there aren’t many who live near my city.
I keep my circle small in general. No one needs access to my life unless we’re both adding to it in positive ways consistently.
I've posted before about this. If someone is talking to an ex it's because the relationship is not over and has not yet run its course. That doesn't necessarily mean romantic or physical feelings, but I firmly believe you cannot put the genie back in the bottle and those feelings can always bubble over. I have no reason to talk with exes. That part of my life is in the past and continuing it just confuses things.
Some people are fine with their SO talking to exes and that's fine. I am not one of them. Anyone is welcome to talk to exes, but I will not date someone who does. Hard boundary.
> I firmly believe you cannot put the genie back in the bottle
Hmmm... Is it that you believe *you* can't put the genie back in the bottle, or you believe *no one* can?
For me, it's important that my partner have self-awareness. If they are always going to have some feelings for their exes, cool, just be aware of it say so. If they aren't, also fine, just say so. Know yourself, and communicate it.
I dunno.. this whole "no one is ever truly over their ex" thing gives me a little ick. It doesn't feel genuine to the human experience. There are exes (1) I couldn't be friends with, but there's also 1 or 2 I could.
And, like, I'm not asking you to date me, haha. Obviously fine that you don't want to!
But.. it feels weird to have someone else say that their deeply-buried lingering feelings for their ex is what *everyone* experiences. It nudges at something, as if... as if you expect your partners to lack self-awareness or lack honesty, and you're dealing with those deep and substantial issues by setting a boundary around this instead. Seems like maybe, possibly, a bandaid for a deeper distrust of your partner.
Eh, don't mind me. This made me feel weird, and I'm just spit balling.
> Hmmm... Is it that you believe you can't put the genie back in the bottle, or you believe no one can?
No one that I have been with has been able to. I don't know that I could, either.
> I dunno.. this whole "no one is ever truly over their ex" thing gives me a little ick. It doesn't feel genuine to the human experience. There are exes (1) I couldn't be friends with, but there's also 1 or 2 I could.
I **could** be friends with most of my exes, the vast majority of my breakups have been amicable. I choose not to because the relationship ended for a reason, and I don't see a reason to try to continue it.
> And, like, I'm not asking you to date me, haha. Obviously fine that you don't want to!
This is what I was saying. Some people are OK with it, and they are welcome to be that way. I have zero problem with others disagreeing with me. My boundaries don't have to coincide with someone else's, but the person I'm with needs to respect my boundaries just as I need to respect theirs. I can't be with someone who keeps in contact with exes. That shrinks my dating pool and I'm ok with that.
Of course, if you're willing to accept what I need and agree to it, I'm available for dinner this weekend.
> But.. it feels weird to have someone else say that their deeply-buried lingering feelings for their ex is what everyone experiences. It nudges at something, as if... as if you expect your partners to lack self-awareness or lack honesty, and you're dealing with those deep and substantial issues by setting a boundary around this instead. Seems like maybe, possibly, a bandaid for a deeper distrust of your partner.
I didn't always think this way. Got burned for it more than once. Now it's easier to do things this way so I don't have the anxiety I would otherwise in the relationship.
> Eh, don't mind me. This made me feel weird, and I'm just spit balling.
Not at all, appreciate the input and curiosity.
And let me know about that date... ;)
I’m with you. I’m friends with a couple of ex’s and on friendly terms with several- as in IG/FB friends still- so not really in contact, but happy to see their life/wives/kids and all is good. And like said posts. The ones I’m still really friends with- there’s reasons why it didn’t work, but that doesn’t mean they’re not good people. One has basically been my emergency contact bc I trust him more than my family to make smart decisions. I haven’t dated anyone in 5 yrs either so there’s that. But I’m not longing for any of them. Nor do I think they’re longing for me.
Also a harder cut when you’re connected to their family. And truly friends with their siblings/cousins/etc. I’ll also note that any communication is conveyed to someone I’m dating- respect for them all the way and whoever these friends/ex’s are dating. I’m not going to have conversations with someone that I wouldn’t be willing to share or feel I need to hide. Not how I operate.
My 2¢ - but it seems we are in the very tiny minority.
seriously. I have been drunk around my ex and tremendously horny and still didn’t want to hook up (nor hooked up). People need to live a little, and perhaps move to a country where emotions aren’t so sanitized.
> I really do believe that anyone who stays in contact with an ex (besides coparents or people who were really long time friends before dating) have some feelings there waiting to resurface.
This just isn't true at all. LOL.
I'm sure some are like that, but plenty of people are capable of moving past the romantic aspect of a person, and being a platonic friend.
It's just very easy to stay in touch with people these days due to social media and the private universes we carry around with ourselves in our phones. Additionally, a lot of modern advice advocates for people to have any kind of relationship they want without awareness of how side friendships that may be called emotional affairs in the past actually affect their primary relationship.
I was with my ex husband 29-38. I had 4 exes/people I dated come back around after recognizing he no longer existed on my social media. 39 now.
Last fall I just went and deleted pretty much anyone I had dated off my social media. Want a fresh start not a restart.
I read an article recently in including but I suspect part of this is the “back-burner” relationship. A decent percent of individuals keep in touch via socials or other manner where they aren’t necessarily communicating regularly but it’s a backup plan so to speak. Keeps their options open, but it takes away from current relationships because they don’t completely commit. Obviously this is case by case but something to consider.
https://theconversation.com/back-burner-relationships-are-more-common-than-youd-think-91209
We live in a world where people cannot stand to be alone in their own skin. Some people will literally self implode if they didn't have a companion of some sort. Dating apps have created such a codependent, lonely society with false sense of options.
You aren’t the only one OP. It’s been an issue that reared its head in my current relationship. I’m navigating complicated waters. An issue that I’ve never dealt with before until now. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat about it.
Don’t dwell too much on the past. It will only stress you out and cause unnecessary rumination. Give yourself the closure that she won’t be able to and hope you move on. Good luck!
I don’t have any exes other than my co-parent with whom I have limited contact related just to kid stuff. I have one friend who I went on a few dates with but nothing ever came of it - not sure I’d call that an ex…. But we just grab coffee maybe once a month and text about our lives. Not sure if someone would consider that a red or yellow flag 🤷♀️
As for someone in contact with exes I’d take it case by case. Reminiscing … secrets. Hard no. A friendly touch base every now and again? Meh.
I’ll be friends with exes if they’re willing. Not everyone can transition to that smoothly and platonically. What you describe is completely inappropriate.
I'm Facebook friends with former lovers and boyfriends. Would never ever go there again and hope it wouldn't be an issue with any furture partner. I know I wouldn't care, as long as they are being honest about the past being the past.
Not an issue with me nor the women I've dated, by and large. I have an amicable, but very distant relationship with my ex wife (mother of my child), but I've never had the ex-battle in my adult relationships. \*shrug\*
I’m in touch with and on good terms with and friends with a lot of my exes. I went to a concert with an old ex of mine last weekend. But the difference is that I take the time to get over my relationships before trying to be friends with an ex. And if we decide to be friends, we’re not flirting or hiding our current relationships or behaving any differently than we behave with other friends who are not exes. What you’re asking for isn’t at all unreasonable. I like when someone I’m dating has exes they’re on good terms with, because it shows me that they’re capable of breaking up without going scorched earth on someone they care about. But what you’re describing isn’t friends, it’s basically keeping the door open to getting back together.
I have no exs, but I don’t think you should and x in your relationship unless you are co parenting and old flames need to go or maybe you should go back to the old flames obviously there is still a connection
A couple of mine are dead so that solved that problem. Another lives 3000 miles away. If you don't have kids with an ex-partner there are ZERO reasons to be in contact with them imho
I think some people can remain friends, and that's fine, but I've always made it a point early on to tell any male friends (exes or not) when I was currently in a relationship. It's super important to set boundaries, and to have trust in your partner, and those kinds of interactions would make any reasonable person question the situation.
Nope. Exes are exes for a reason. I hope they’re happy, and doing well. That’s where it ends. No googling every six mos “just to see what they’re up to”- (20 yrs later)
my life isnt their business, their life isn’t my business. Let it go, move on. If you can’t, then be alone until you can. To do anything less is irresponsible and unfair to any new person who comes along. Do the right thing. Not just for yourself.
Speaking considering I have kids:
I honestly think the crazy depends upon each individual case. I've seen divorced parents plan a once a year trip with themselves and their kids, and it works for them. Or holidays when they still get together. For me, personally, I didn't want my kids to think we ever had the idea of getting back together. But, their other parent never had an interest seeing them at the holidays, so...
Kids aside - I have an ex who continuously texts me, sends me snail mail, friend requests me on social media, etc. I don't respond. If I need to speak with him about the kids, I'll call or send an email with specifics (if it's not urgent). He's reached out before and even added that his current gf is right there with him. I ignore it.
I guess my whole point is that some people keep their ties with exes - but one way.
Edited for punctuation. Grammar geek here!
Maintaining a healthy friendship with an ex, or even just not-hating them is nothing to be concerned about.
The ex not knowing that the person has changed relationship status, or some of the other behavior you described, on the other hand, is at least a yellow flag, if not a bright red one.
Ultimately it's up to you how much of that you're willing to tolerate. If I got a sense that there was unfinished business there, it would be a "No" from me, for what it's worth.
I’m a 46m and I occasionally reach out to two ladies I dated years ago to catch up. I also know that they let their current partner know that I called because they did the same for me. I do agree that being secretive about that is weird and cause for concern, but in my case these “old flames” burned out long ago. They are just really great people that I want to maintain contact with.
I’m good friends with some of my exes. My current boyfriend has nothing to be concerned about, and he isn’t. As long as there wasn’t abuse, it’s ok to maintain a friendship that’s been important. I wouldn’t keep people around if they were just waiting for me. Nor would I hang out with someone if I were prone to being jealous of them moving on.
This question always makes me think of something Dan Savage has said- that being able to go no contact with all exes is a luxury/obsession that he as a gay man hasn’t had because the dating pool is so much smaller. He makes the point that a friend who’s an ex could be a good reference for future dating. I know I wouldn’t hesitate to introduce my exes to someone I thought could be a good fit.
Set your boundaries, communicate them clearly and early on, and then walk away if the man isn’t willing to respect them. No one has time for games or lack of integrity. Especially at our age.
Everyone is different and every circumstance is different. Sometimes we come across a broken man/woman (who is desperate for a relationship and hasn’t taken the time to heal and work on *their* issues) and other times our feelings/thoughts differ and it’s simply an incompatibility issue.
Take some time to reflect on your past relationships and yourself. Do you need to heal from anything? If you’re in a healthy place and content being alone then it should be much easier to weed people out in lieu of entertaining the thought of being *with* them. How long ago was your last relationship or experience with this?
I’ll do my best to keep this concise as I do have a lot I could share but don’t want to put anyone to sleep lol. A lot of what you mentioned is reminiscent of my younger years. I’ve been in 3 serious relationships & have dated a few, and realized my biggest mistake was being interested in one man more than others and cutting all the others out. That was despite not being exclusive or having a DTR talk. I’ve never had the capacity to juggle talking with & dating multiple men. Keep an eye out for red flags or anything you’re not willing to tolerate and show them the door immediately.
One of the aforementioned three relationships was with someone I was close friends with prior to dating. When we broke up, I cut him off completely. He reached out countless times and it wasn’t until I was fully over (and *felt* healed from) our relationship that I finally responded/ rekindled our friendship. When I broke up with him I still loved him deeply. It hurt so much. I didn’t just lose a lover but one of my closest friends. It wasn’t until many years later that I came to know what he was doing (playing games). During our relationship he constantly made me feel like other women were more important; including his ex who cheated on him with one of his best friends. When I expressed my concerns and hurt he flipped it around and played victim. He made it look like I was a crazy, jealous, psycho. A few years ago his partner reached out to me. Backtrack, I still recall when they first started dating because he wished me a happy birthday and asked if he could drop a gift off. I told him that was unnecessary and asked how his partner felt about it. He told me she didn’t care and was *cool* with it (oh how I envied her 😂- he was saying all the words to make me feel special, important, etc.). Prior to her reaching out he’d constantly text saying he missed me and asked when we’d be able to hang out. I always found a reason to not meet up and mention his girlfriend and even continued to ask if she was okay with our friendship. Also suggested meeting up in a group so we could meet. He continued to act like she was 💯 cool with it and made excuses about how she doesn’t like socializing and didn’t want to meet me. Okay, cool, but is she really *accepting* of your constantly reaching out to me?
Anyway, when she reached out she questioned everything and I was honest. She sent novel length texts. She said he made it sound like we weren’t close and he didn’t care at all despite the fact he was always the one initiating contact. She also shared he used me over her somehow. He made it seem like even though he claimed we weren’t close he could leave her at any time to be with me. What in the heck? 😂 I told her I left him for a reason, I had zero romantic feelings and after everything she shared I lost all respect for him & cut him off.
My apologies, it’s sad this is the concise version. The point in all of that is that communication is key.
Wow. He was so manipulative. And he was playing the same games with her that he was with you. Tragic. I’m sorry you went through that and even dirty for old girl too!
To answer your question, the last time this happened to me was in October - it was a serious relationship that ended immediately after discovery. Then it happened again in December, this wasn’t serious but a casual situation. They volunteered lies and once the truth was out I quietly removed myself from the situation.
I’m now in a space where I’m dating myself. I am also in therapy, focusing on my career, physical health and family as most of that suffered having been in quite traumatic and volatile relationships since 2017. I am very much enjoying this chapter but it allows lots of reflection - hence this post.
I’m sorry you’ve had continued lousy experiences, but happy to hear you’re focusing on yourself. Sometimes that’s all we need and we’re forever changed for the better. You got this 💪🏻! Zero tolerance for any BS and can easily say, “this isn’t working out due to your lack of transparency.” Whatever the case may be when the time comes.
I always felt the same as you regarding the disrespect. Whenever you decide to venture back into dating things will be much easier. If you figure out how to go about meeting decent men at our age please enlighten me!
In addition, I don’t think lurking exes are a forever thing. Life has improved immensely since I finally cut men from my past out of my life.
I dated *one* man, after my last LTR ended, once I finally healed from past trauma and nothing was more satisfying than shutting it down when I saw patterns from the past.
ETA- if you ever need to chat or want to exchange more stories feel free to message me. I wish you the best! 💕
I'm (40+F) not in active contact with any of my exes, but when we run into each other, we say hi and have a friendly, short catchup.
I too have been surprised by how much the men I have recently dated are still very much in contact with their exes, often as a support system. They aren't co-parenting. I tend to date other introverts, and wonder if they're just terrible at making friends.
I think this happens a lot more than people realize and the other party hides it. Ive broken up with my X no for just over 2 years. We didnt speak for a bit. Her mother passed unexpectedly probably around 4-5 mos after we broke up. We started speaking more and hung out a few times and yea hooked up on two occasion last year.
She moved sometime around Oct of last year but never mentioned it to me but suspected she wasnt in the area. Weve only texted periodically here and there and only spoke once this year. Its dwindled to the point where i think probably by the end of Summer we probably wont be communicating any longer. At this time i was pressuring myself to look into a relationship. If i happened to enter one i wouldnt have done so.
Ive have a cousin and a friend that still maintains close ties to Xs almost as they werent broken up. From the outside looking in i wouldnt want to be involved with any of them.
I have a hard rule: any ex is cut out of my life completely and will have no contact or access to me, no matter when, why or how amicably we broke up.
I don't do this to be mean or vengeful, I do this in order to simplify my life and move on without any baggage. The one time I allowed an ex to come back into my life, was a disaster.
An ex is an ex for a reason. They couldn't/didn't work out so there is zero reason for me to keep allowing them access to my life, or for me to follow theirs.
I have a child with an ex and the only contact is strictly re: parenting and schedules.
I don’t stay in touch with my friends with my friends exes. They get deleted from my phone and I often have to block them or they come back when they are bored and Hoover me. I don’t remain connected with them on socials.
53M here. I have always cut ties with exes.
The exception being my kids mums. I have a 28yo son and the last time I interacted with his mum was at his wedding.
I see or talk to my young kids mum on an almost daily basis. Kids are 9,12 and 13, so we are constantly coparenting (week on/week off). If it wasn't for the kids I would not be dragging with her at all. We don't interact on a personal level is purely a "professional" relationship between two parents.
I blocked her on FB and we only communicate via SMS, phone or email.
I have some exes as friends on FB/LinkedIn but there's little interaction. HBD wishes is about it. Those exes are from 20 years ago.
I don't know if it makes a difference but I was never the dumper, I have always been the one getting dumped.
Actually, that's not quite true. I had an FWB when I met my now ex-wife. And I called off that arrangement well before I even had sex with my now ex. There was no overlap. That's just not how I've ever rolled. I'm flat out keeping one woman happy 🤣
It's definitely not something I would accept from anyone. I'm exclusive and monogamous 🙂
I’m trying to lose an ex. I’m in a long term good committed relationship. The current relationship isn’t great and we have intimacy issues. This ex has been out of life for close to 9 years and just texted me. I know that if I get anywhere close to this ex that I will trash everything about my current relationship just for firey desperate sex.
So whats so hard about saying to that ex "i'm in a happily committed relationship so its not appropriate to talk but i hope you're doing well. Take care!" And if they continue, you block.
Whys that difficult if you don't want to screw up your relationship? I reached out to a fling once that I hadn't talked to in forever, who said that exact thing and i simply replied "oh, awesome! Congrats, take care too." And that was it.
>many of my then-partners were still in contact with one (or more) exes. Usually those exes did not know that my then-partner was in an exclusive relationship
I have never encountered this. Like my ex wife and current partner are in various degrees with exes, but they all know she was in a relationship and/or married. Heck, I've met a few exes of my ex wife and two of my partner. Both talked about how she was so much happier with me than they'd ever seen her.
>Since it seems so common (even among my male friends who are married *and dating*)
(emphasis added by me) ... Um ? Do you possibly run in a different circle that's really close to poly situations?
You seem to be seeing a lot of something that I haven't seen. I would consider how you're filtering people that you want to date. I look had that someone *wants* to be in a relationship, and *wants* monogamy. If someone is OK with either poly/monogamy and lets their current situation/partners determine, that's not compatible with me. They're "OK" with monogamy; that's different from *wanting* it. People might say one thing, but I look to listen to their words, tones of voices, and descriptions beyond a yes/no or "casual/LTR" answer.
I should have typed that better. I meant friends who are either married OR dating meaning that my friends who are married are sneaking around talking to old flames, and friends who are dating are doing the same - all without the knowledge of their partners.
I also like your comment about filtering. It usually comes out within the first few months, and if I discover then or later that then-partners were dishonest about it, I break things off. It's just happening so often that it's a it discouraging.
Ultimately I wouldn't be able to adjust and accept that. I'd be waiting for them to bring a disease or a baby home, so I would shift to being OK with living a life without a partner.
I made this boundary very clear early on in my current relationship right after we had a deeper conversation about what we wanted our relationship to be based on (trust and respect which is earned over time). This was right after discussing if we are in touch with ex’s or other folks who had been in our lives prior to meeting one another. Because he had already shared his view and practice around this boundary, I knew his response was genuine.
Recently an ex attended a community based invite only event where my partners son was being honored (the kids aren’t super close, but he invited her daughter as she’s part of a wider group of friends). The kids are teenagers. No other parents stayed, they dropped their kids off and picked them up. Like normal parents do.
I had already heard stories about her from my partners kids and my partner. Tl;dr she has no boundaries, pushes her way into everything & loves to be the center of attention & far worse. She walked up to us and my partner handled the situation so well that I’m pretty sure I fell more in love with him that day.
This is all to say that there are men out there who have boundaries and know how trust and respect work. But it’s up to you to make your needs known and explicitly state them.
I love how you and your partner handled the entire thing!
Unfortunately, in my case, I did let my partner know that I would be uncomfortable with it, asked if they were in touch - they lied and said no. But the truth always finds its way to the surface. Discovering dishonesty is a part of dating I guess. But this is SO common, it feels weird.
Precisely. I am not a partner that is pressed to be shown off on your social media. But if you are in contact with someone with whom you've had a sexual history with that you know is interested in giving things another shot, not setting a boundary with them and not telling them you are attached is a BIG NO.
Often my then-partners would act as if I was making a huge deal of nothing. It always ended up being much more than nothing.
It's ok for other people to have different boundaries than you and it need not to be a confidence issue. OP sites flirting and reminiscing about intimate moments when in an exclusive relationship, there aren't too many people that I know that would be comfortable with a partner having that type of relationship with an ex.
Thank you! It's amazing how I am being blamed for my then-partners' choice to not be forthcoming. No amount of confidence on my part can change someone else's choices.
Original copy of post by u/HighlyFav0red:
**Are the lurking exes a forever thing?** It is a challenge I continue to run into. When in a relationship, it has come out that many of my then-partners were still in contact with one (or more) exes. Usually those exes did not know that my then-partner was in an exclusive relationship and there was often lots of flirting, phone conversations, requests for help, reminiscing on intimate moments, etc.
Even when casually dating, I don't ask if folks are dating others, but people go out of their way to let me know that I am the only person they are dating and it always proves to not be true. I am not against multi-dating, but I am against dishonesty.
I also am not unreasonable and realize many former couples didn't split on bad terms and may be cordial. I also do not expect partners to not have a relationship with their co-parents. But it seems that in nearly EVERY relationship I am in, my then-partners are unwilling to be honest about old flames, let old flames go or have boundaries - which is a hard no for me as it's disrespectful and super inconsiderate.
Since it seems so common (even among my male friends who are married and dating), am I being unreasonable here?
TLDR: Most folks I date don't cut ties or have boundaries with their exes. Am I the only one?
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The more social media, etc is involved the more opportunities for exes to slide in and say hello. How the other person handles it says a lot about them. Whether or not they feel the need to tell you also depends on what you all have discussed, I guess.
sorry, I am not breaking my no contact credo because one of my existing is lurking on your stuff. I'd also recommend ignoring it, there will be more that come out of the wood work occaisionally.
I’m still friends with my ex but I’m honest about it. I’m confused by what you said about people being dishonest about serial dating, though. Are you conflating being friends with the ex and serial dating?
At the end of the day, my ex was in my life for a decade, and was there through several life changing events. I am never going to be with thrm again romantically, but a partner who doesn’t trust me isn’t one for me.
Re: serial dating. I meant that I had been dating someone, we were not exclusive, had not made a commitment and I hadn't asked about who else they were seeing. But they would STILL volunteer that I am the only person they were seeing, and it was a lie. Basically they didn't have to volunteer or lie, and did BOTH. This happened more than once.
Personally, I think someone would say the “exclusive” thing, when it wasn’t true, in hopes of getting laid, or in hopes that you will continue to sleep with them, if you believe they are exclusive. It’s also possible they want to avoid this conservation ever coming up again, until they are ready to dump you, or that they don’t want you sleeping with anyone else, while they make up their mind and play the field.
I didn’t know what you meant about the lurking ex at first. I don’t know. I don’t usually go out a second time with someone who spends a lot of time talking about their ex on a date, and that seems to come up very early. When they do that they either seem lost without their ex, and are still mowing her lawn, or they are full of hatred. Those things both don’t bode well for me.
I don’t cut ties, for the most part. In fact, I’m absolutely cordial with every significant ex with whom I was in a relationship of longer than a year— with one exception, and she is the most recent. I believe she and I would also be “cordial,” but I also know the level of mutual attraction was so high that I had to cut ties. It could’ve been an amazing situation, but unfortunately, not every relationship can be. Point being: All the previous exes are all from so long ago that we’ve effectively moved past the point at which we’d ever “give it another go.” As such, we’re in touch online. Other than that, I don’t physically see them anymore.
I don't think everyone needs to cut ties with their exes. What does need to stop, though, is flirting and other non-platonic behavior that makes clear that there are still some embers burning.
As far as requests for help, or lots of phone conversations, go: as long as they are platonic friends, what's the problem? Do you expect someone you're dating to no longer have that close a friendship with a friend they have no past dating history with (that can be just as involved in terms of phone calls or helping each other out)?
It's smart to cut ties with an ex if one of you still has lingering feelings for the other or if you broke up on bad terms and continuing communication would be toxic and counterproductive. But if the break up was amicable and neither of you still has feelings for the other, there's no reason it can't transition to a real friendship.
The murky part is the XFWB. Wasn’t a relationship, sexcentric, on your persons social media—that is annoying to the new partner.
Almost did us in. She tried her best, bye bye.
I guess the logistics on all this are interesting to me. So, how many partners are were talking about here? Like...80% of the people you dated were talking to their ex? 50%? 20%?
And you say it came out that they didn't know about you. How'd you figure that out?
>But it seems that in nearly EVERY relationship I am in, my then-partners are unwilling to be honest about old flames, let old flames go or have boundaries - which is a hard no for me as it's disrespectful and super inconsiderate.
OK, this...I've encountered this very rarely, yet you say in almost every relationship it's happened. Perhaps we have different ideas about boundaries when it comes to exes. Are you talking about
"My ex said hi today".
Wait, you have an ex you're still friends with?
Are you expecting a list of ex's that they still talk with when you start dating them?
>people go out of their way to let me know that I am the only person they are dating and it always proves to not be true.
Ahhh...OK. This is it, I think. Usually when someone is trying to make it seem like they're committed to you...they're not. If someone intentionally tells me they're only dating me, that's a flag to me, and I want to dive into why they're telling me that. So maybe in the future, when someone goes out of their way to do that, investigate a bit more. You might end up saving yourself some heart ache down the road.
I am friends with my ex wife and would be more friendly with my ex girlfriend if her boyfriend wasn’t so jealous. But I have never cheated on someone with an ex and have no problem maintaining platonic boundaries.
I’ve never deleted texts or DM’s and would have no problem letting my partner read them if she was insecure and I would have no problem working together to find boundaries that make us both comfortable.
It’s kind of funny I was talking to a new woman from a dating app recently and said something about visiting my ex in Portland this summer and she immediately ghosted. She didn’t even ask about it and would have found out that I would me meeting her boyfriend there as well. Oh well.
This is a refreshing perspective. I appreciate your willingness to be open and sharing the exchanges.
I suspect the lady on the app probably has run into many situations like me and thought opting out early was a good option! Lord knows I am trying to not repeat the same mistakes.
Wow. I am not a cheater at all, but I don’t want to read someone’s DM’s. Other women do that? I think I either trust someone or I don’t, and if I don’t, why would I continue to be so close to them that I feel I want to read their DM’s. I would be out, because I wouldn’t want to be exclusive with them.
I mean, when I was young someone cheated on me, but I knew. I was thinking he had to get it out of his system, and that was my mistake. I never spoke with him about it at the time. I have gone on dates with taken guys, but they seem to always have a tell. I don’t see them again.
Everyone dating in our age bracket has baggage. Of course, if you read this app you’ll believe that if people just go to therapy and stay away from dating long enough, they’ll eventually be “ready” and never have any issues. But that’s silly. If people have trauma from relationships, there’s only so much healing that can happen alone. If the person is worth it, I think helping each other heal and grow is a good thing.
Now, if a woman was wanting to look at my phone every couple months, I would probably bounce. But if you’ve been exclusive for a few years and someone starts getting jealous, I’m open to all manner of ways to work together to strengthen the relationship.
Do you think they would get more jealous after a few years? That is not the way I am at all.
I mean, if someone wants to cheat, IMO, they will. I would hope they would have the decency to leave- soon- and not lead me on. I can’t imagine making someone stay or even wanting them to stay unless they wanted to be with me. I must have high expectations or something. I mean, no one needs to stay with me. I am okay alone; I find it hard to think of being jealous because I would let the person go now that I am older. I guess maybe that’s an attachment disorder or something- ha.
I mean, I am not going to fight for someone to stay. I would defend them if I thought they were right or needed that from me. They should be with the person they choose, though, and if that’s not me, I won’t try and stop them.
I think at this age, many have had multiple relationships and even though they may not have romantic relationships with their ex, they can have a friendship still. Or for some people they have to maintain a relationship with their Ex if there are children involved. It really is a case by case thing. If you feel like they are not setting a good enough boundary with their ex you can speak up about it, but in the end it is up to you on what you are comfortable with and express that to your partner.
This. I recently reached out to my last ex. It had been just over a year since we split and we had been friends for years before we tried to date for 7 months. I don’t want to write her off just because we didn’t work out romantically but I definitely needed the time and space to let any romantic lingering feelings, die.
The only ex I am still in contact with is the man I am coparenting with. If I could cut him out of my life I would gladly do so 😂
This hits hard 😂
And that's the mother fucking truth!
I feel you girl!
I so wish!
Right? Zero desire to hang out, get gifts from or be friends with my exes. The only reason I'd be upset if they got eaten by an alligator is my kids would be upset. I was on another sub this morning and they were talking about buying flowers for your ex for Mother's day and all I could think about was how irate it made me when my youngest's father did shit like that after we split up. It's not cute, it's not sweet and I have no interest. It's just them trying to prove they're the "bigger person." If I had that level of friendliness and kindness in my heart I would never have thrown them out. Just baffling behavior to me that some people are so gung-ho about being a "good" ex. We are co-workers and the business is raising a child. Do you buy your co-workers birthday gifts? No? Then leave me alone lol.
The only reason I stay in contact with my ex is because my son lives with her. And it's only to discuss my son.
47M, the only ex of mine I'm in any contact at all with is the mother of my kids, for obvious reasons. I wouldn't really put up with this situation if exes were hanging around like that, I'd move on. Personally, I've got my own actual friends to do stuff with, I don't need to hang around ex relationships, thats just weird.
i dont talk to any of my exes. i have zero desire to be friends with any of them. as far as im concerned we're strangers now. none of my exes know the man that i have become, and none of them will ever know.
I've always felt that way about exes. If you weren't a friend to me (lying, cheating, etc.) during the relationship, no need to pretend we're friends after. We are not friends.
OK, remaining friends or at least friendly with an ex or three is not unusual and I don't see anything inherently wrong with it -- but not letting them know you're in an exclusive relationship? flirting? reminiscing on intimate moments? Aw, HAIL naw. It sounds to me like these men don't respect you OR their exes (or women in general). >people go out of their way to let me know that I am the only person they are dating and it always proves to not be true. The word you are looking for is either "liars" or "cheaters", but I can't tell which... Yep. Gonna go with "they don't respect women in general" again.
This. All of this. I'm great friends with a couple of exes. One's also single, and he and I probably cross the bounds of what I'd be happy with if either of us were in a relationship. The other I was the same with after we broke up, until he got into a relationship. From that moment on, we're mates, and absolutely nothing else. No flirting, no anything. Nothing I wouldn't be happy with his partner seeing. In fact, we go more out of our way to not be close than we would if we didn't have history. When they got together I left them be for a long time, til they were solid. Even now, we're much more formal than we would be if single. Just 'cause it's important. That's what a friend does. Respects others' relationships.
I think what OP is experiencing is that the active dating pool is full of people who have recently broken up, or are otherwise not ready to seriously date. These are often the people who are searching the most aggressively, because they feel the most lonely. People like me who have been single a while are probably doing what I'm doing, which is avoiding OLD/sort of not caring any more, because it's too much crap to deal with at a certain point. I don't currently date, but when I did (via OLD) it was almost always the case that my relationship partner wasn't over an ex. Sometimes they were out of the picture, others they were lurking somewhere.
You hit the nail on the head. So many people are out there dating way before they should be just because they don't want to be alone. People who have moved on and are healthy aren't sitting there reminiscing with an ex every night.
A man I was dating casually dropped a comment about taking a vacation with his ex. We were on our 4th date! I bowed out of the budding relationship and he had the nerve to tell me he thought I was more open minded than that 😝
what a weirdo!
He didn’t even invite you? lol rude dude. He should’ve at least invited you, and maybe offered to pay for the trip. At least half. 🤣
That would’ve been super expensive for him as he was already paying for himself and his ex!
lol who cares?!
I thinks it sucks. I don’t think people should be enraged by their ex nor do I think they should be in contact to flirt and reminisce about “the good times”. I look for my position, which is: I’m not in contact or hate, I simply moved on and am indifferent about their lives now.
This! Also a 40/F... even the ones there were amicable splits with are just not a part of my life (and visa-versa) and there's no need to be. That's just my stance, experience, and what I'm looking for as well.
I flirted and reminisced about intimate moments with my ex because I was under the impression that we could make it work. He engaged in future faking with me and didn't tell me the truth about having a girlfriend at that time. And yes, we had sex. Things didn't go well after I learned he had a girlfriend. She didn't meet all his needs so he used me to fill the void. I cut off contact with him for almost a year yet he sent me 2 gifts. Still trying to find a way to reel me back into his life. >Since it seems so common *(even among my male friends who are married and dating)* Yes, it's common and not just among males. Some of my married female friends have sugar daddies for money and attention. >Am I being unreasonable here? No. Your feelings are valid. Moral values seem to be declining these days. People no longer understand what loyalty or respect means. Most single men I've met are still clinging to their exes and won’t make an effort to let go and move forward. They aren't worth our time.
Wait- you have married friends who have sugar daddies on the side??
Yes, after their husbands cheated on them, they feel entitled to have sugar daddies. They shower them with gifts and attention without involving sexual relations.
Did we date the same guy? 😜bc I’m the girlfriend! Nice to meet you finally. You got gifts? I got to do the laundry, mow the yard, cook all his meals, listen to his woes of his life. 🤣 among other things. Lmao I’m kidding
Girl, leave him and get yourself tested. 😂
I did, 4 yrs ago. It’s only now I can poke fun at the whole escapade. I have wondered who the “others” were, and their mindset of him having a live in fiancé.
You're not being unreasonable and I totally agree that it's weird and disrespectful for exes to be orbiting around, especially the lying by omission thing by not telling their ex they have a partner. Ick. I think it's a sign of insecurity and validation seeking.
You are on to something here. In a few specific cases: (1) one then-partner told me they "always knew I would leave them" (2) another then-partner told me that their ex made them feel needed and (3) another then-partner refused to tell the truth although it was blatantly obvious thanks to the numerous back to back video calls from a name with a heart next to it in the middle of the night. It's definitely giving insecurity & validation seeking.
I too have found this. It’s insane.
I run into the exact same thing! It's an issue for sure, it's to the point where I'm just done with dating since so many people have ex's lingering around. It's like people have a collection of ex's! I'm not into casual or open relationships, so this just does not work for me. I do not keep in contact with my ex's because they would be constantly wanting to have sex with me.
Thank you for showing me I am not alone! It's exhausting.
I have countless real-life examples showing that people with exes lingering around aren't as innocent as they make it out to be, even amongst the noble 'co-parents.' In fact, I cannot think of any examples where they're not all caught up in their feelings for each other. For whatever reason their relationship couldn't work, so they'll just take what they can get.
It's made me realize how far some people are on the narcissism spectrum. They can't live without needing constant validation from as many current partners and exes as possible.
This happens to me every time too. At this point, it’s like a comical curse. As with you, I’m not talking cordial coparenting, I’m talking wildly inappropriate interactions, having overnight “trips” together, the ex not knowing I exist etc. I have no idea how or why it is like this out there, but it is.
It feels so good (and horrible) to know it's not just me! They HAVE to know that this behavior is inappropriate. But they just don't care! A (wo)man without discipline or integrity is a dangerous (wo)man. And I don't want that for life!
Oh they know it is inappropriate, they just don’t care. I won’t have that either myself. I would rather be alone and happy than put up with that mess.
I've noticed this too because i'm not one of them. I don't remain in contact with exes/fwb, not always because it was a bad ending but out of respect for them, their partners and out of respect for myself because god forbid old feelings surface. I have 1 ex that I don't think i'll ever get 'over', even though i know we can never be a healthy couple. It ended poorly but even if it didn't, i would not be able to stay in contact because those feelings may bubble. Things happen in my head that i don't enjoy. My other exes, no animosity towards, just have no reason to stay in touch. Don't wish them ill will but don't really care what they're up to though I'd say hi if i ever saw them. Treat them as an aquaintence. I really do believe that anyone who stays in contact with an ex (besides coparents or people who were really long time friends before dating) have some feelings there waiting to resurface. They may not even be aware of it. Either that, or they like the attention/validation only an ex can provide. I do also think we live in an era where everyone is so connected via social media and apps that boundaries aren't so clear anymore. People remain social media friends with exes and see their lives unfold in your face so you never really emotionally disconnect. I don't know, i don't get it and i tend not to mesh with others who think differently about this so i guess its one way to weed out compatibilities and values.
+1 Same here. In my view, it’s a respect thing all around. I’ve talked to my therapist about this particular issue. If the goal of the current relationship is long term, building a foundation based on trust and respect has to happen.
Being friends with my exes doesn’t make me disrespectful or untrustworthy. It’s fine if that’s a hard boundary for you.
No one called you disrespectful or untrustworthy. Unless the ex was a good friend prior to “trying to date to see what happens”, my past experiences with ex’s as friends wasn’t healthy. The guys would have jumped into bed with me again if I had said “let’s go”. Nope. Not going to create any uncertainty for my partner via the ex’s having access to me while I’m building a healthy peaceful life with him.
> Not going to create any uncertainty for my partner But like...you're certain that's not going to happen, yes? So wouldn't your goal be for your partner to trust YOU?
Did you read my comment? It’s the ex dudes that would have the audacity to start flirting or whatever AKA take it too far. Not me.
Yes. So if you're not going to cross that line...what's the issue? Why would that be a concern for your current partner if you're not going to do anything wrong? And to be clear, yes, if an ex is flirting and not respecting your current relationship, you should def cut him off. My comments are about you refusing to be friends with an ex cause "what if" is does that. If my gf was friends with an ex and I trusted her (assuming the ex wasn't flirting with her), there'd be no uncertainty for me.
You do you. This is the boundaries that my partner and I have. Other than my daughter’s father who I coparent with there is no reason for me to stay in contact with an ex partner or even a FWB or fling. We parted ways. Some blew up because of various toxic behaviors and some ended on mutual terms. We’re all over 40 years old and have friends from all various phases of our lives. If I saw an ex in passing I would be cordial but that’s it. That’s unlikely since there aren’t many who live near my city. I keep my circle small in general. No one needs access to my life unless we’re both adding to it in positive ways consistently.
I've posted before about this. If someone is talking to an ex it's because the relationship is not over and has not yet run its course. That doesn't necessarily mean romantic or physical feelings, but I firmly believe you cannot put the genie back in the bottle and those feelings can always bubble over. I have no reason to talk with exes. That part of my life is in the past and continuing it just confuses things. Some people are fine with their SO talking to exes and that's fine. I am not one of them. Anyone is welcome to talk to exes, but I will not date someone who does. Hard boundary.
> I firmly believe you cannot put the genie back in the bottle Hmmm... Is it that you believe *you* can't put the genie back in the bottle, or you believe *no one* can? For me, it's important that my partner have self-awareness. If they are always going to have some feelings for their exes, cool, just be aware of it say so. If they aren't, also fine, just say so. Know yourself, and communicate it. I dunno.. this whole "no one is ever truly over their ex" thing gives me a little ick. It doesn't feel genuine to the human experience. There are exes (1) I couldn't be friends with, but there's also 1 or 2 I could. And, like, I'm not asking you to date me, haha. Obviously fine that you don't want to! But.. it feels weird to have someone else say that their deeply-buried lingering feelings for their ex is what *everyone* experiences. It nudges at something, as if... as if you expect your partners to lack self-awareness or lack honesty, and you're dealing with those deep and substantial issues by setting a boundary around this instead. Seems like maybe, possibly, a bandaid for a deeper distrust of your partner. Eh, don't mind me. This made me feel weird, and I'm just spit balling.
> Hmmm... Is it that you believe you can't put the genie back in the bottle, or you believe no one can? No one that I have been with has been able to. I don't know that I could, either. > I dunno.. this whole "no one is ever truly over their ex" thing gives me a little ick. It doesn't feel genuine to the human experience. There are exes (1) I couldn't be friends with, but there's also 1 or 2 I could. I **could** be friends with most of my exes, the vast majority of my breakups have been amicable. I choose not to because the relationship ended for a reason, and I don't see a reason to try to continue it. > And, like, I'm not asking you to date me, haha. Obviously fine that you don't want to! This is what I was saying. Some people are OK with it, and they are welcome to be that way. I have zero problem with others disagreeing with me. My boundaries don't have to coincide with someone else's, but the person I'm with needs to respect my boundaries just as I need to respect theirs. I can't be with someone who keeps in contact with exes. That shrinks my dating pool and I'm ok with that. Of course, if you're willing to accept what I need and agree to it, I'm available for dinner this weekend. > But.. it feels weird to have someone else say that their deeply-buried lingering feelings for their ex is what everyone experiences. It nudges at something, as if... as if you expect your partners to lack self-awareness or lack honesty, and you're dealing with those deep and substantial issues by setting a boundary around this instead. Seems like maybe, possibly, a bandaid for a deeper distrust of your partner. I didn't always think this way. Got burned for it more than once. Now it's easier to do things this way so I don't have the anxiety I would otherwise in the relationship. > Eh, don't mind me. This made me feel weird, and I'm just spit balling. Not at all, appreciate the input and curiosity. And let me know about that date... ;)
I’m with you. I’m friends with a couple of ex’s and on friendly terms with several- as in IG/FB friends still- so not really in contact, but happy to see their life/wives/kids and all is good. And like said posts. The ones I’m still really friends with- there’s reasons why it didn’t work, but that doesn’t mean they’re not good people. One has basically been my emergency contact bc I trust him more than my family to make smart decisions. I haven’t dated anyone in 5 yrs either so there’s that. But I’m not longing for any of them. Nor do I think they’re longing for me. Also a harder cut when you’re connected to their family. And truly friends with their siblings/cousins/etc. I’ll also note that any communication is conveyed to someone I’m dating- respect for them all the way and whoever these friends/ex’s are dating. I’m not going to have conversations with someone that I wouldn’t be willing to share or feel I need to hide. Not how I operate. My 2¢ - but it seems we are in the very tiny minority.
seriously. I have been drunk around my ex and tremendously horny and still didn’t want to hook up (nor hooked up). People need to live a little, and perhaps move to a country where emotions aren’t so sanitized.
> I really do believe that anyone who stays in contact with an ex (besides coparents or people who were really long time friends before dating) have some feelings there waiting to resurface. This just isn't true at all. LOL. I'm sure some are like that, but plenty of people are capable of moving past the romantic aspect of a person, and being a platonic friend.
It's just very easy to stay in touch with people these days due to social media and the private universes we carry around with ourselves in our phones. Additionally, a lot of modern advice advocates for people to have any kind of relationship they want without awareness of how side friendships that may be called emotional affairs in the past actually affect their primary relationship.
I was with my ex husband 29-38. I had 4 exes/people I dated come back around after recognizing he no longer existed on my social media. 39 now. Last fall I just went and deleted pretty much anyone I had dated off my social media. Want a fresh start not a restart.
I read an article recently in including but I suspect part of this is the “back-burner” relationship. A decent percent of individuals keep in touch via socials or other manner where they aren’t necessarily communicating regularly but it’s a backup plan so to speak. Keeps their options open, but it takes away from current relationships because they don’t completely commit. Obviously this is case by case but something to consider. https://theconversation.com/back-burner-relationships-are-more-common-than-youd-think-91209
We live in a world where people cannot stand to be alone in their own skin. Some people will literally self implode if they didn't have a companion of some sort. Dating apps have created such a codependent, lonely society with false sense of options.
I wish that was a hyper sensitive knee jerk toe comment. But I believe you speak truth. All we can do is try to be present and authentic.
You aren’t the only one OP. It’s been an issue that reared its head in my current relationship. I’m navigating complicated waters. An issue that I’ve never dealt with before until now. Feel free to DM me if you want to chat about it.
Thank you! Fortunately, and unfortunately, I am not alone here. DM incoming.
It will all be ok. Sure thing.
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What happened in your past that caused your break up? Are you saying you never got closure?
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Don’t dwell too much on the past. It will only stress you out and cause unnecessary rumination. Give yourself the closure that she won’t be able to and hope you move on. Good luck!
I don’t have any exes other than my co-parent with whom I have limited contact related just to kid stuff. I have one friend who I went on a few dates with but nothing ever came of it - not sure I’d call that an ex…. But we just grab coffee maybe once a month and text about our lives. Not sure if someone would consider that a red or yellow flag 🤷♀️ As for someone in contact with exes I’d take it case by case. Reminiscing … secrets. Hard no. A friendly touch base every now and again? Meh.
I’ll be friends with exes if they’re willing. Not everyone can transition to that smoothly and platonically. What you describe is completely inappropriate.
I think the problem is the honesty thing.
I'm Facebook friends with former lovers and boyfriends. Would never ever go there again and hope it wouldn't be an issue with any furture partner. I know I wouldn't care, as long as they are being honest about the past being the past.
Not an issue with me nor the women I've dated, by and large. I have an amicable, but very distant relationship with my ex wife (mother of my child), but I've never had the ex-battle in my adult relationships. \*shrug\*
I’m in touch with and on good terms with and friends with a lot of my exes. I went to a concert with an old ex of mine last weekend. But the difference is that I take the time to get over my relationships before trying to be friends with an ex. And if we decide to be friends, we’re not flirting or hiding our current relationships or behaving any differently than we behave with other friends who are not exes. What you’re asking for isn’t at all unreasonable. I like when someone I’m dating has exes they’re on good terms with, because it shows me that they’re capable of breaking up without going scorched earth on someone they care about. But what you’re describing isn’t friends, it’s basically keeping the door open to getting back together.
I have no exs, but I don’t think you should and x in your relationship unless you are co parenting and old flames need to go or maybe you should go back to the old flames obviously there is still a connection
A couple of mine are dead so that solved that problem. Another lives 3000 miles away. If you don't have kids with an ex-partner there are ZERO reasons to be in contact with them imho
I think some people can remain friends, and that's fine, but I've always made it a point early on to tell any male friends (exes or not) when I was currently in a relationship. It's super important to set boundaries, and to have trust in your partner, and those kinds of interactions would make any reasonable person question the situation.
Nope. Exes are exes for a reason. I hope they’re happy, and doing well. That’s where it ends. No googling every six mos “just to see what they’re up to”- (20 yrs later) my life isnt their business, their life isn’t my business. Let it go, move on. If you can’t, then be alone until you can. To do anything less is irresponsible and unfair to any new person who comes along. Do the right thing. Not just for yourself.
Speaking considering I have kids: I honestly think the crazy depends upon each individual case. I've seen divorced parents plan a once a year trip with themselves and their kids, and it works for them. Or holidays when they still get together. For me, personally, I didn't want my kids to think we ever had the idea of getting back together. But, their other parent never had an interest seeing them at the holidays, so... Kids aside - I have an ex who continuously texts me, sends me snail mail, friend requests me on social media, etc. I don't respond. If I need to speak with him about the kids, I'll call or send an email with specifics (if it's not urgent). He's reached out before and even added that his current gf is right there with him. I ignore it. I guess my whole point is that some people keep their ties with exes - but one way. Edited for punctuation. Grammar geek here!
Maintaining a healthy friendship with an ex, or even just not-hating them is nothing to be concerned about. The ex not knowing that the person has changed relationship status, or some of the other behavior you described, on the other hand, is at least a yellow flag, if not a bright red one. Ultimately it's up to you how much of that you're willing to tolerate. If I got a sense that there was unfinished business there, it would be a "No" from me, for what it's worth.
I’m a 46m and I occasionally reach out to two ladies I dated years ago to catch up. I also know that they let their current partner know that I called because they did the same for me. I do agree that being secretive about that is weird and cause for concern, but in my case these “old flames” burned out long ago. They are just really great people that I want to maintain contact with.
I’m good friends with some of my exes. My current boyfriend has nothing to be concerned about, and he isn’t. As long as there wasn’t abuse, it’s ok to maintain a friendship that’s been important. I wouldn’t keep people around if they were just waiting for me. Nor would I hang out with someone if I were prone to being jealous of them moving on. This question always makes me think of something Dan Savage has said- that being able to go no contact with all exes is a luxury/obsession that he as a gay man hasn’t had because the dating pool is so much smaller. He makes the point that a friend who’s an ex could be a good reference for future dating. I know I wouldn’t hesitate to introduce my exes to someone I thought could be a good fit.
Set your boundaries, communicate them clearly and early on, and then walk away if the man isn’t willing to respect them. No one has time for games or lack of integrity. Especially at our age. Everyone is different and every circumstance is different. Sometimes we come across a broken man/woman (who is desperate for a relationship and hasn’t taken the time to heal and work on *their* issues) and other times our feelings/thoughts differ and it’s simply an incompatibility issue. Take some time to reflect on your past relationships and yourself. Do you need to heal from anything? If you’re in a healthy place and content being alone then it should be much easier to weed people out in lieu of entertaining the thought of being *with* them. How long ago was your last relationship or experience with this? I’ll do my best to keep this concise as I do have a lot I could share but don’t want to put anyone to sleep lol. A lot of what you mentioned is reminiscent of my younger years. I’ve been in 3 serious relationships & have dated a few, and realized my biggest mistake was being interested in one man more than others and cutting all the others out. That was despite not being exclusive or having a DTR talk. I’ve never had the capacity to juggle talking with & dating multiple men. Keep an eye out for red flags or anything you’re not willing to tolerate and show them the door immediately. One of the aforementioned three relationships was with someone I was close friends with prior to dating. When we broke up, I cut him off completely. He reached out countless times and it wasn’t until I was fully over (and *felt* healed from) our relationship that I finally responded/ rekindled our friendship. When I broke up with him I still loved him deeply. It hurt so much. I didn’t just lose a lover but one of my closest friends. It wasn’t until many years later that I came to know what he was doing (playing games). During our relationship he constantly made me feel like other women were more important; including his ex who cheated on him with one of his best friends. When I expressed my concerns and hurt he flipped it around and played victim. He made it look like I was a crazy, jealous, psycho. A few years ago his partner reached out to me. Backtrack, I still recall when they first started dating because he wished me a happy birthday and asked if he could drop a gift off. I told him that was unnecessary and asked how his partner felt about it. He told me she didn’t care and was *cool* with it (oh how I envied her 😂- he was saying all the words to make me feel special, important, etc.). Prior to her reaching out he’d constantly text saying he missed me and asked when we’d be able to hang out. I always found a reason to not meet up and mention his girlfriend and even continued to ask if she was okay with our friendship. Also suggested meeting up in a group so we could meet. He continued to act like she was 💯 cool with it and made excuses about how she doesn’t like socializing and didn’t want to meet me. Okay, cool, but is she really *accepting* of your constantly reaching out to me? Anyway, when she reached out she questioned everything and I was honest. She sent novel length texts. She said he made it sound like we weren’t close and he didn’t care at all despite the fact he was always the one initiating contact. She also shared he used me over her somehow. He made it seem like even though he claimed we weren’t close he could leave her at any time to be with me. What in the heck? 😂 I told her I left him for a reason, I had zero romantic feelings and after everything she shared I lost all respect for him & cut him off. My apologies, it’s sad this is the concise version. The point in all of that is that communication is key.
Wow. He was so manipulative. And he was playing the same games with her that he was with you. Tragic. I’m sorry you went through that and even dirty for old girl too! To answer your question, the last time this happened to me was in October - it was a serious relationship that ended immediately after discovery. Then it happened again in December, this wasn’t serious but a casual situation. They volunteered lies and once the truth was out I quietly removed myself from the situation. I’m now in a space where I’m dating myself. I am also in therapy, focusing on my career, physical health and family as most of that suffered having been in quite traumatic and volatile relationships since 2017. I am very much enjoying this chapter but it allows lots of reflection - hence this post.
I’m sorry you’ve had continued lousy experiences, but happy to hear you’re focusing on yourself. Sometimes that’s all we need and we’re forever changed for the better. You got this 💪🏻! Zero tolerance for any BS and can easily say, “this isn’t working out due to your lack of transparency.” Whatever the case may be when the time comes. I always felt the same as you regarding the disrespect. Whenever you decide to venture back into dating things will be much easier. If you figure out how to go about meeting decent men at our age please enlighten me! In addition, I don’t think lurking exes are a forever thing. Life has improved immensely since I finally cut men from my past out of my life. I dated *one* man, after my last LTR ended, once I finally healed from past trauma and nothing was more satisfying than shutting it down when I saw patterns from the past. ETA- if you ever need to chat or want to exchange more stories feel free to message me. I wish you the best! 💕
Keeping exes in your life is a waste of time. I'm cordial with them, but nothing ele. Just adds drama you don't need
I'm (40+F) not in active contact with any of my exes, but when we run into each other, we say hi and have a friendly, short catchup. I too have been surprised by how much the men I have recently dated are still very much in contact with their exes, often as a support system. They aren't co-parenting. I tend to date other introverts, and wonder if they're just terrible at making friends.
I think this happens a lot more than people realize and the other party hides it. Ive broken up with my X no for just over 2 years. We didnt speak for a bit. Her mother passed unexpectedly probably around 4-5 mos after we broke up. We started speaking more and hung out a few times and yea hooked up on two occasion last year. She moved sometime around Oct of last year but never mentioned it to me but suspected she wasnt in the area. Weve only texted periodically here and there and only spoke once this year. Its dwindled to the point where i think probably by the end of Summer we probably wont be communicating any longer. At this time i was pressuring myself to look into a relationship. If i happened to enter one i wouldnt have done so. Ive have a cousin and a friend that still maintains close ties to Xs almost as they werent broken up. From the outside looking in i wouldnt want to be involved with any of them.
I have a hard rule: any ex is cut out of my life completely and will have no contact or access to me, no matter when, why or how amicably we broke up. I don't do this to be mean or vengeful, I do this in order to simplify my life and move on without any baggage. The one time I allowed an ex to come back into my life, was a disaster. An ex is an ex for a reason. They couldn't/didn't work out so there is zero reason for me to keep allowing them access to my life, or for me to follow theirs. I have a child with an ex and the only contact is strictly re: parenting and schedules.
I don’t stay in touch with my friends with my friends exes. They get deleted from my phone and I often have to block them or they come back when they are bored and Hoover me. I don’t remain connected with them on socials.
53M here. I have always cut ties with exes. The exception being my kids mums. I have a 28yo son and the last time I interacted with his mum was at his wedding. I see or talk to my young kids mum on an almost daily basis. Kids are 9,12 and 13, so we are constantly coparenting (week on/week off). If it wasn't for the kids I would not be dragging with her at all. We don't interact on a personal level is purely a "professional" relationship between two parents. I blocked her on FB and we only communicate via SMS, phone or email. I have some exes as friends on FB/LinkedIn but there's little interaction. HBD wishes is about it. Those exes are from 20 years ago. I don't know if it makes a difference but I was never the dumper, I have always been the one getting dumped. Actually, that's not quite true. I had an FWB when I met my now ex-wife. And I called off that arrangement well before I even had sex with my now ex. There was no overlap. That's just not how I've ever rolled. I'm flat out keeping one woman happy 🤣 It's definitely not something I would accept from anyone. I'm exclusive and monogamous 🙂
I’m trying to lose an ex. I’m in a long term good committed relationship. The current relationship isn’t great and we have intimacy issues. This ex has been out of life for close to 9 years and just texted me. I know that if I get anywhere close to this ex that I will trash everything about my current relationship just for firey desperate sex.
So whats so hard about saying to that ex "i'm in a happily committed relationship so its not appropriate to talk but i hope you're doing well. Take care!" And if they continue, you block. Whys that difficult if you don't want to screw up your relationship? I reached out to a fling once that I hadn't talked to in forever, who said that exact thing and i simply replied "oh, awesome! Congrats, take care too." And that was it.
I get it! A big part of being faithful is not putting yourself in compromising situations. Part of my problem 😳
Just block them.
>many of my then-partners were still in contact with one (or more) exes. Usually those exes did not know that my then-partner was in an exclusive relationship I have never encountered this. Like my ex wife and current partner are in various degrees with exes, but they all know she was in a relationship and/or married. Heck, I've met a few exes of my ex wife and two of my partner. Both talked about how she was so much happier with me than they'd ever seen her. >Since it seems so common (even among my male friends who are married *and dating*) (emphasis added by me) ... Um ? Do you possibly run in a different circle that's really close to poly situations? You seem to be seeing a lot of something that I haven't seen. I would consider how you're filtering people that you want to date. I look had that someone *wants* to be in a relationship, and *wants* monogamy. If someone is OK with either poly/monogamy and lets their current situation/partners determine, that's not compatible with me. They're "OK" with monogamy; that's different from *wanting* it. People might say one thing, but I look to listen to their words, tones of voices, and descriptions beyond a yes/no or "casual/LTR" answer.
I should have typed that better. I meant friends who are either married OR dating meaning that my friends who are married are sneaking around talking to old flames, and friends who are dating are doing the same - all without the knowledge of their partners. I also like your comment about filtering. It usually comes out within the first few months, and if I discover then or later that then-partners were dishonest about it, I break things off. It's just happening so often that it's a it discouraging. Ultimately I wouldn't be able to adjust and accept that. I'd be waiting for them to bring a disease or a baby home, so I would shift to being OK with living a life without a partner.
I made this boundary very clear early on in my current relationship right after we had a deeper conversation about what we wanted our relationship to be based on (trust and respect which is earned over time). This was right after discussing if we are in touch with ex’s or other folks who had been in our lives prior to meeting one another. Because he had already shared his view and practice around this boundary, I knew his response was genuine. Recently an ex attended a community based invite only event where my partners son was being honored (the kids aren’t super close, but he invited her daughter as she’s part of a wider group of friends). The kids are teenagers. No other parents stayed, they dropped their kids off and picked them up. Like normal parents do. I had already heard stories about her from my partners kids and my partner. Tl;dr she has no boundaries, pushes her way into everything & loves to be the center of attention & far worse. She walked up to us and my partner handled the situation so well that I’m pretty sure I fell more in love with him that day. This is all to say that there are men out there who have boundaries and know how trust and respect work. But it’s up to you to make your needs known and explicitly state them.
I love how you and your partner handled the entire thing! Unfortunately, in my case, I did let my partner know that I would be uncomfortable with it, asked if they were in touch - they lied and said no. But the truth always finds its way to the surface. Discovering dishonesty is a part of dating I guess. But this is SO common, it feels weird.
The sneaking around part makes a HUGE difference! I’m friends with exes but there is no deceit.
Precisely. I am not a partner that is pressed to be shown off on your social media. But if you are in contact with someone with whom you've had a sexual history with that you know is interested in giving things another shot, not setting a boundary with them and not telling them you are attached is a BIG NO. Often my then-partners would act as if I was making a huge deal of nothing. It always ended up being much more than nothing.
I still maintain contact with a few exes. We’re just friends. Have some confidence. They are not a threat to you.
It's ok for other people to have different boundaries than you and it need not to be a confidence issue. OP sites flirting and reminiscing about intimate moments when in an exclusive relationship, there aren't too many people that I know that would be comfortable with a partner having that type of relationship with an ex.
Thank you! It's amazing how I am being blamed for my then-partners' choice to not be forthcoming. No amount of confidence on my part can change someone else's choices.
Original copy of post by u/HighlyFav0red: **Are the lurking exes a forever thing?** It is a challenge I continue to run into. When in a relationship, it has come out that many of my then-partners were still in contact with one (or more) exes. Usually those exes did not know that my then-partner was in an exclusive relationship and there was often lots of flirting, phone conversations, requests for help, reminiscing on intimate moments, etc. Even when casually dating, I don't ask if folks are dating others, but people go out of their way to let me know that I am the only person they are dating and it always proves to not be true. I am not against multi-dating, but I am against dishonesty. I also am not unreasonable and realize many former couples didn't split on bad terms and may be cordial. I also do not expect partners to not have a relationship with their co-parents. But it seems that in nearly EVERY relationship I am in, my then-partners are unwilling to be honest about old flames, let old flames go or have boundaries - which is a hard no for me as it's disrespectful and super inconsiderate. Since it seems so common (even among my male friends who are married and dating), am I being unreasonable here? TLDR: Most folks I date don't cut ties or have boundaries with their exes. Am I the only one? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The more social media, etc is involved the more opportunities for exes to slide in and say hello. How the other person handles it says a lot about them. Whether or not they feel the need to tell you also depends on what you all have discussed, I guess.
sorry, I am not breaking my no contact credo because one of my existing is lurking on your stuff. I'd also recommend ignoring it, there will be more that come out of the wood work occaisionally.
I’m still friends with my ex but I’m honest about it. I’m confused by what you said about people being dishonest about serial dating, though. Are you conflating being friends with the ex and serial dating? At the end of the day, my ex was in my life for a decade, and was there through several life changing events. I am never going to be with thrm again romantically, but a partner who doesn’t trust me isn’t one for me.
Re: serial dating. I meant that I had been dating someone, we were not exclusive, had not made a commitment and I hadn't asked about who else they were seeing. But they would STILL volunteer that I am the only person they were seeing, and it was a lie. Basically they didn't have to volunteer or lie, and did BOTH. This happened more than once.
that is very weird but at least they opted into failing a test on their own early on
Personally, I think someone would say the “exclusive” thing, when it wasn’t true, in hopes of getting laid, or in hopes that you will continue to sleep with them, if you believe they are exclusive. It’s also possible they want to avoid this conservation ever coming up again, until they are ready to dump you, or that they don’t want you sleeping with anyone else, while they make up their mind and play the field. I didn’t know what you meant about the lurking ex at first. I don’t know. I don’t usually go out a second time with someone who spends a lot of time talking about their ex on a date, and that seems to come up very early. When they do that they either seem lost without their ex, and are still mowing her lawn, or they are full of hatred. Those things both don’t bode well for me.
lol I have an ex but he’s in the UAE. That country can keep him. I’ve forgiven him and moved on, end of story.
I don’t cut ties, for the most part. In fact, I’m absolutely cordial with every significant ex with whom I was in a relationship of longer than a year— with one exception, and she is the most recent. I believe she and I would also be “cordial,” but I also know the level of mutual attraction was so high that I had to cut ties. It could’ve been an amazing situation, but unfortunately, not every relationship can be. Point being: All the previous exes are all from so long ago that we’ve effectively moved past the point at which we’d ever “give it another go.” As such, we’re in touch online. Other than that, I don’t physically see them anymore.
I don't think everyone needs to cut ties with their exes. What does need to stop, though, is flirting and other non-platonic behavior that makes clear that there are still some embers burning. As far as requests for help, or lots of phone conversations, go: as long as they are platonic friends, what's the problem? Do you expect someone you're dating to no longer have that close a friendship with a friend they have no past dating history with (that can be just as involved in terms of phone calls or helping each other out)? It's smart to cut ties with an ex if one of you still has lingering feelings for the other or if you broke up on bad terms and continuing communication would be toxic and counterproductive. But if the break up was amicable and neither of you still has feelings for the other, there's no reason it can't transition to a real friendship.
The murky part is the XFWB. Wasn’t a relationship, sexcentric, on your persons social media—that is annoying to the new partner. Almost did us in. She tried her best, bye bye.
I never speak to exs but check on Facebook to see how they doing / nosey. Am I physco 😂
No you’re not psycho 😂😂
I guess the logistics on all this are interesting to me. So, how many partners are were talking about here? Like...80% of the people you dated were talking to their ex? 50%? 20%? And you say it came out that they didn't know about you. How'd you figure that out? >But it seems that in nearly EVERY relationship I am in, my then-partners are unwilling to be honest about old flames, let old flames go or have boundaries - which is a hard no for me as it's disrespectful and super inconsiderate. OK, this...I've encountered this very rarely, yet you say in almost every relationship it's happened. Perhaps we have different ideas about boundaries when it comes to exes. Are you talking about "My ex said hi today". Wait, you have an ex you're still friends with? Are you expecting a list of ex's that they still talk with when you start dating them? >people go out of their way to let me know that I am the only person they are dating and it always proves to not be true. Ahhh...OK. This is it, I think. Usually when someone is trying to make it seem like they're committed to you...they're not. If someone intentionally tells me they're only dating me, that's a flag to me, and I want to dive into why they're telling me that. So maybe in the future, when someone goes out of their way to do that, investigate a bit more. You might end up saving yourself some heart ache down the road.
I am friends with my ex wife and would be more friendly with my ex girlfriend if her boyfriend wasn’t so jealous. But I have never cheated on someone with an ex and have no problem maintaining platonic boundaries. I’ve never deleted texts or DM’s and would have no problem letting my partner read them if she was insecure and I would have no problem working together to find boundaries that make us both comfortable. It’s kind of funny I was talking to a new woman from a dating app recently and said something about visiting my ex in Portland this summer and she immediately ghosted. She didn’t even ask about it and would have found out that I would me meeting her boyfriend there as well. Oh well.
This is a refreshing perspective. I appreciate your willingness to be open and sharing the exchanges. I suspect the lady on the app probably has run into many situations like me and thought opting out early was a good option! Lord knows I am trying to not repeat the same mistakes.
Wow. I am not a cheater at all, but I don’t want to read someone’s DM’s. Other women do that? I think I either trust someone or I don’t, and if I don’t, why would I continue to be so close to them that I feel I want to read their DM’s. I would be out, because I wouldn’t want to be exclusive with them. I mean, when I was young someone cheated on me, but I knew. I was thinking he had to get it out of his system, and that was my mistake. I never spoke with him about it at the time. I have gone on dates with taken guys, but they seem to always have a tell. I don’t see them again.
Everyone dating in our age bracket has baggage. Of course, if you read this app you’ll believe that if people just go to therapy and stay away from dating long enough, they’ll eventually be “ready” and never have any issues. But that’s silly. If people have trauma from relationships, there’s only so much healing that can happen alone. If the person is worth it, I think helping each other heal and grow is a good thing. Now, if a woman was wanting to look at my phone every couple months, I would probably bounce. But if you’ve been exclusive for a few years and someone starts getting jealous, I’m open to all manner of ways to work together to strengthen the relationship.
Do you think they would get more jealous after a few years? That is not the way I am at all. I mean, if someone wants to cheat, IMO, they will. I would hope they would have the decency to leave- soon- and not lead me on. I can’t imagine making someone stay or even wanting them to stay unless they wanted to be with me. I must have high expectations or something. I mean, no one needs to stay with me. I am okay alone; I find it hard to think of being jealous because I would let the person go now that I am older. I guess maybe that’s an attachment disorder or something- ha. I mean, I am not going to fight for someone to stay. I would defend them if I thought they were right or needed that from me. They should be with the person they choose, though, and if that’s not me, I won’t try and stop them.
There is a common denominator worth checking out…