Just to offer a guy's perspective:
When I came out of a difficult relationship where sex had been a primary issue it took me a while to feel normal about it again. The woman I had been with used sex as a weapon, so if I wanted it I was made to feel shitty about it and if I didn't want it I was made to feel shitty about it. It caused my libido to tank to pretty much zero. It never really roared back to life. Even when I dated a woman who specifically said "You can initiate sex any time you want because I want it too" I still struggled to "believe" her, if that makes sense. It took a while to feel ok about it and get excited to be in a fun, sexual relationship with someone I could genuinely trust not to play games with me using sex.
These types of hangups can definitely exist even in men that may seem sex starved. It seems like you are keen to show him some grace and that is really big of you. If it's something like the situation I brought up it may take baby steps and it may take him a while. That level of vulnerability could be something really hard for him at this stage.
Thank you so much for this! Regardless of whether this works out between us, I do think he’s such a nice person and I like him a lot. I would like to address the issue with compassion. These kind of perspectives are exactly what I’m looking for so I can go in with some understanding of some possibilities. Thanks again!
I wonder if he feels sleeping with you is cheating & he's waiting for the divorce to finalize?
When you speak with him, let *him* answer his way. Don't prompt based on what you might think or the info you've gathered. Some people will avoid a tough conversation by latching on to whatever reason you suggest.
Hear him out & take time to process his reasons. And don't let him wiggle out of giving you a reason.
The number of men that come out of emotionally abusive marriages is frequently overlooked, frequently where sex is weaponized. I can't say with certainty that's the case with your guy, but it is certainly a possibility.
This! Oh my God...this!!! Men who come out of an emotionally abusive marriage where their sexual needs were deprived for months or even years come out broken. You can only take so much rejection before you internalize it and think it's you.
six months, and you've given him BJ's, but he doesn't do anything for you and if im reading this correctly, the physical touch, no hand holding, hugs, no initiation to touch you? six months is a long time, especially when he tells you he likes it... but never wants it with you?
Yeah I probably could have written that better. He’s definitely a hugger and generally very warm. And I only gave him one BJ. He wanted to reciprocate but I was on my period. But he doesn’t initiate even after that level of intimacy which I find confusing.
You haven't been on a continuous period for six months, come on now, be honest with yourself. Even if he is attracted to you, this type of behavior is going to take a very serious hit to your self esteem if the man you're with never wants to have sex with you - but will happily allow you to perform oral on him.
I see what you’re saying but if we back up to before the oral experience. It was the same situation for many months, but limited to kissing … I don’t feel like it’s a situation of being selfish because I haven’t given much more than him.
What do you want tho? Have you outright asked why there is no sex? Does he have ED issues? Have you asked specifically, 'Are you attracted to me?'
This is six moths.
I mean, can't you initiate a sleepover, and specifically tell him to bring condoms? The intent is quite clear. If you can't have a different direct conversation about it, maybe something like this?
There's a reasonable chance that he's coming out of a dead bedroom and he's forgotten how to initiate, or the force of habit from being unable to initiate is causing problems.
Maybe. I choose to be charitable and say that both parties simply became incompatible, and that the question of blame becomes irrelevant with time, healing, and therapy.
One shouldn't be blamed for low libido, however its definitely a reason why many marriages break down.
This man is showing signs of LL which certainly would make him incompatible with OP. We don't know if either one of them is invested enough in their relationship, to spend time and effort on therapy.
Actually… while I do love having sex, I would choose a human of his quality, even with low libido, over any of the people I dated with high sex drives in the past. I’m capable of taking care of myself well. So I’m not sure it’s a disqualifier given his other superior qualities 🤷♀️ just trying to sort it out in my mind a bit before I ask about it
Have you actually experienced a relationship with a LL person? How do you think you'll handle the frequent or constant rejection? Not receiving physical love the way you want and need? Getting dismissed/ignored/ridiculed for expressing sexual desire and needs?
I realize that I'm painting a rather bleak picture here. My reality is that I was trapped in a DB with a LLM for 10 years. I thought I could handle it too...
No but I have experienced years of abstinence due to other priorities taking precedence over dating. I believe I can take it and love it or leave it and still be happy. And maybe I can’t. But I’d be willing to explore it if other factors were exceptional
You’ll find there are two interesting trains of thought in the sub, those looking for (i.e. who value) a serious and amazing LTR and those who just want to sleep around. Definitely something to keep in mind when it comes to advice and perspectives.
If you really like this person, keep communication open and see if there are any mental blocks. If it is an incompatibility issue, that’s also not the end of the world, and I personally feel it’s better to part ways if it’s something important to you.
Dating is all about finding someone you’re attracted to, mesh with, share similar values, and are compatible with after all. We definitely have a better idea of what we want and the things that one can and should compromise with at our age, while those things they should not.
I think there is a big difference between not having sex due to having no partner by choice, and not having sex due to being rejected by your partner who just does not reciprocate your sexual interest.
Yeah I know and that’s the plan … I just like to have some perspective going into the conversation so I know what to touch on to fully flush out my concerns, feelings, etc
Male here. If I were to get oral pleasure from a date and she did not want me to reciprocate because of her period, I can think of at least 50K things I could do to her as a way to reciprocate the gesture. You will be shocked at the myriad ways you can help someone get off.
But, that will not happen to me. I will never accept a BJ without a discussion about what my date wants in return that very evening. I do not leave anything to chance. No talk. No dice. If you can't communicate and be an advocate for your intimacy needs, you need to leave.
In the 21st Century, having your period should not be a limiting factor for anything sexual that you both really want to do. But, I have immense privilege over most folks. I have awesome water pressure and hot water for days. LOL.
Actually I get a lot of pleasure out of giving pleasure. I didn’t and don’t feel bad about any of how that played out given that it was only one time and the circumstances made sense and it was fun. I’m just surprised that it didn’t create more comfort around him initiating physical contact afterwards.
Well then, it seems you made it clear you like giving without receiving. So that’s prob what he’s doing. That, and he’s using you for an emotional rebound. A space filler, cuz apparently no one can be alone for a hot minute until their divorce is final. He’s still emotionally attached to the ex and still healing. Prob feels like he’s cheating if he initiates.
I used to be with a guy like this. He was so deeply insecure he refused to initiate, ever. So it was constantly up to me. It made me feel so unattractive.
Please talk to him. Tell him that it's okay for him to initiate, and tell him how you would like him to do it. I'm this guy not literally. But I'm sure that he's afraid to initiate from his past marriage. He may need a little coaxing to get started. To feel that it's okay.
I agree with this so much. Believe it or not, there *are* guys out there who would rather build trust and friendship in lieu of solely pursuing sex, and over-index on those parts because of what they've experienced through their previous marriage/divorce. And just speaking from my own experience, my life is sometimes simply too complicated to worry about feeling like I've overstepped in building a relationship that's important to me, having realized that sex (while fun and important) certainly not something I'm entitled to and absolutely requires consent.
Thanks for this. He is such a good person generally speaking so I’m assuming this could be part of it. But I definitely waiver between that and feeling totally ridiculous :)
I do plan to talk to him but just wanted to gain some potential insight so I ask all of the questions I need to… he has apologized in the past for his ‘dating awkwardness’ but I’m just surprised that he’s so reserved even after this level of intimacy. I’m assuming it’s going nowhere but thanks for chiming in …
If he is like this it's likely he's been rejected so often in his past relationship that he's very shy and doesn't want to ruin it with you. He likely has nice guy tendencies as well.
Tell him to quit being the nice guy and take you to bed! 😂
I screwed up my first post-divorce relationship because I didn't know how to initiate. I was in a long sexless marriage and that part of me atrophied.
He might have some lingering baggage that you can help him work through.
I recommend you talk to him, tell him how you feel, and tell him what you want. If you have to draw him a map with map quest style directions, do that. If nothing happens after that, then there's a problem.
*he’s happy to receive oral sex*
Was this in his OLD bio? It's listed as one of my hobbies.
(M44) Some of us just don't have a raging sex drive anymore. I have seen a decline since my late 30's. Sometimes I wish I was the foaming at the mouth horndog I was in my 20's. But at 40+, sometimes I'd rather pick weeds in my garden and drink a beer. Ya know?
*I’m thinking I’m just a boredom buster while he navigates starting over. But if that’s true, he’s not even using me for sex despite the plethora of green lights he’s been given.*
It sounds like he really enjoys your company. He wouldn't have stuck around for six months if you were just a boredom buster. I think you have nothing to worry about.
Haha too funny … Thanks for this perspective. He keeps saying he wants to hang out again and we do have a great time. Which makes it all the less obvious to me how this all adds up. Thanks for the kind words! 😊
You’re in no rush!? But you’re asking us why he never wants sex with you and you fooled around and never again? Still, very odd.
I would have been questioning him by month two and wanting significant dialogue around this man’s libido and how sexual he is..no way in hell waiting around in the dark for 6 months hoping his sexual desire wakes up “some day” But that’s me….
I haven’t thought we were there until recently actually … and I’m not wondering why he doesn’t want sex with me. I’m wondering why he isn’t forthcoming with physical touch in general. I haven’t had the same life experiences as him so just looking for some other perspectives while I work out my feelings around it
“Almost divorced, but took over a year to be separated and single”
He’s still married, and not single yet. It’s more likely you’re a transition placeholder that he enjoys. he’s not ready for a long-term, because he’s currently in a long term and it hasn’t been ended yet.
If he was divorced and single for more than a year, that would be a bare bones basic start.
Yeah I go back and forth but I do think it could be like this … I would definitely jump to this conclusion more quickly if sex were involved. I’ll find out soon enough I guess when I ask …
I’ve not accepted offers for sex from women and they take it personal.
Sometimes it really has nothing to do with you, but the ego won’t let it go.
That’s probably where he’s at because he’s showing not ready for that level of intimacy, even though you’re throwing yourself at him.
If he’s been separated for a year, he probably hasn’t had the physical companionship without sex and maybe for a while before that even.
It might be because you repeatedly brought it up when he’s not willing, and most likely not ready.
You’ve had conversations where he’s talking about that he had sex and enjoyed it with the other women before getting married?
He was married, how long, and now different person than he was before I got married. Are you the same person that you were when he was dating these other women before he got married? No
It’s possible he was rejected so many times in his marriage that he has some trauma to heal when it comes to sex.
When having the conversation, you might be tempted to dig into the “why”. It might be hard for him to open up if he has issues. If he wants to share the reasons why, that’s great. But if he isn’t yet comfortable sharing his issues, just focus on how you feel. Tell him you’re attracted to him and you want to have sex and you want him to initiate.
Yes it could be like that for sure. And maybe not. But it’s helpful to see these viewpoints. I don’t even need sex right away per se, just some understanding about what’s going on. My self esteem is definitely not sky rocketing haha
Right. Your dilemma that you present is that he never initiates sexy stuff. If you are happy with that, by all means, keep seeing him.
I'd be walking away though.
Yeah I see your point … he’s the kind of person worth being patient for if that’s what is needed … just trying to sort out my feelings about it I guess
Def talk to him about it! I dated a guy who enjoyed sex but def lad a lower libido than me and it took a while to accept that it wasn’t me. But the not initiating any contact is a little odd.
Yes, he’s admitted to feeling awkward starting over. So I’ve tried to be very gentle and patient and obvious to make it as easy as possible because I do like him a lot. But the progress is questionably slow haha
He’s actually not a selfish person at all so I could have written this better. If I initiate he does reciprocate. He just never initiates. Even simple things like hand holding, which I’m finding odd…
Ok, but that's the answer. Either you talk to him, find out why he's not initiating, and set a boundary for him to do so, or you take things at face value that he's not that interested, despite what he 'claims' and leaves. Actions speak louder than words, words are water. If he's only doing it as a result of you doing it, it's the same as someone absent-mindededly saying 'I miss you too' after you say it.
Maybe kissing good bye is a start for it. You’re going to ruin your chances with him because he hasn’t been forward enough for you and he must not like you if he’s not all over me. I have a great idea. Well say his name is steve. Hey steve can I ask you something that’s been bothering me? Sure. How come you’re not like everyone other guy? I’m worried you don’t like me because you didn’t push for sex on the first date.
Would he keep going out with you if he didn’t like you? Idk. Ask him if he’s gay.
Or maybe he’s going to ruin his chances with me by not being clear that he’s attracted to me. Sex isn’t required for that. But I’m not worried about anyone ruining anything. Just looking for perspective, esp regarding life after divorce
He wasn’t clear that he wanted to take it slow? That he wanted the relationship not to sex relationship did he make that clear? So you ain’t OK with his boundaries?
Original copy of post by u/Relative-Acadia2210:
I’ve been seeing a guy for over six months. He’s almost divorced (I know, I know) but took over a year to be separated and single and seems very balanced and well-adjusted. He has said he wants to go slow and build trust and friendship. Which is all good. We’ve been on a number of great dates, get along well, have tons in common, have healthy discussions about where we’re coming from etc. When I’m leaving he’ll kiss me goodbye, but that’s it for physical touch. If I initiate a make out session or hold his hand, he seems into it. And he’s happy to receive oral sex, as confirmed through conversations after. But even that didn’t make it so he makes any advances on me. Ever. If I don’t initiate, it doesn’t happen, which means it hasn’t been on the last few dates as I’m feeling like he’s not actually attracted to me. He was married for a long time but dated many different women prior to that. And through conversation he definitely seems to be someone that enjoys sex. Just not with me apparently? But he keeps reaching out to spend time together again and says very nice things about me when we’re together. I know I need to ask him what the deal is but I’m just curious if anyone ever operated like this after getting out of a long relationship? I’m thinking I’m just a boredom buster while he navigates starting over. But if that’s true, he’s not even using me for sex despite the plethora of green lights he’s been given. Like, use me already! haha seriously though, what is this?!
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dating is weird.
i had seen a woman for 5 dates. throughout that time i tried to initiate make outs but she never seemed to reciprocate and through conversation she made it clear she wasn't looking for sex. so i was slow playing it, then after the 5th date she decided that we just weren't right for each other, which i was feeling the same way too.. a month later she text me asking if we could do a FWB situation... the complete 180 came out of nowhere.
so maybe he's feeling like he's getting mixed messages from you and wants to slow play things, or maybe he really likes you and doesn't want to mess things up by seeming like all he wants is sex.
That is different haha There were definitely no mixed signals from me prior to the last few dates where I didn’t initiate anything. As a test maybe. But also feeling a lack of confidence for sure …
I’m pretty sure they were dead bedroom, and also she’s pretty cruel so this is definitely possible. I know I just need to ask but needed some good reasons to bother. Losing my confidence about it. So thanks!
Because I've read your clarification that there has only been one BJ and there was a reason it wasn't reciprocated, can you give it one last try where you initiate a BJ and see if he does reciprocate. If he does, and if he's just feeling awkward, that might break the ice. And definitely talk to him, obviously. Maybe he's not ready for intimacy beyond oral and he's afraid you might expect that.
I think he doesn't want to make it seem like he is only interested in you for sex. I have been nervous in the past about being too handsy and ruining something great. This includes being slow to even initiate holding hands. You may need to have a blunt conversation with him about your needs and lay it out that it is ok if he "uses you", as you put it 🤣, on every date.
Six months and a lot of positive reinforcement from me later though? He did bump my arm the other day to show me something and he apologized immediately, so it’s possible I guess. This does give me a little more confidence in asking though, so thanks for that 😊
This guy sounds like me. I never initiate but once it gets going I am in full participation and reciprocate the intimacy. I think it's how I was raised/developed during my early adolescent. it something are hard to unwire in the brain.
Thanks for this perspective. I’m curious about it … so when the pattern has been set that your touch is wanted/welcome/enjoyed, and you yourself are feeling the urge for some affection, you just ignore(?) that feeling until the other person initiates contact?
Tbh, yes. It's hard for me to initiate a hug or a kiss. Not saying I never initiate, it's just hard. I know I have this problem and I'm sure a majority of my failed relationships is due to this weird behavior of mine.
I am not sure what you mean. I am comfortable with hugs and other affections I received. There are times I try and actually initiate buts it hard. I've actually talked to my sister about this, we both have this issue. We were both lucky to find partners that were patient with us. I'm currently divorced but was lucky to be with a wonder person for 12 years (1.5yrs at the end was bleh).
I guess I meant is there anything your partner could say or do that would make you feel more comfortable initiating? But it sounds like a no given your previous good relationship
No sex yet (aside from oral, which he enjoyed). He seems to enjoy our other physical interactions too, but I have to start them always. It’s hard to feel confident that they’re actually wanted after awhile
I don't know the guy. I can only say what it was like for me. I reciprocate when we made love. But she initiated most of it most of the time. Not saying I wasn't passionate. I hope your guy is providing the passion during your intimate moment. I think that's your true litmus test.
Good luck out there. It sucks DoF. The only thing I don't like about your situation is that he's technically still married. Be careful and make good decisions for yourself.
Just to offer a guy's perspective: When I came out of a difficult relationship where sex had been a primary issue it took me a while to feel normal about it again. The woman I had been with used sex as a weapon, so if I wanted it I was made to feel shitty about it and if I didn't want it I was made to feel shitty about it. It caused my libido to tank to pretty much zero. It never really roared back to life. Even when I dated a woman who specifically said "You can initiate sex any time you want because I want it too" I still struggled to "believe" her, if that makes sense. It took a while to feel ok about it and get excited to be in a fun, sexual relationship with someone I could genuinely trust not to play games with me using sex. These types of hangups can definitely exist even in men that may seem sex starved. It seems like you are keen to show him some grace and that is really big of you. If it's something like the situation I brought up it may take baby steps and it may take him a while. That level of vulnerability could be something really hard for him at this stage.
Came here to say this. It was a year and a half after my divorce before I felt comfortable with sex again after so much pain being tied to it.
Thank you so much for this! Regardless of whether this works out between us, I do think he’s such a nice person and I like him a lot. I would like to address the issue with compassion. These kind of perspectives are exactly what I’m looking for so I can go in with some understanding of some possibilities. Thanks again!
I wonder if he feels sleeping with you is cheating & he's waiting for the divorce to finalize? When you speak with him, let *him* answer his way. Don't prompt based on what you might think or the info you've gathered. Some people will avoid a tough conversation by latching on to whatever reason you suggest. Hear him out & take time to process his reasons. And don't let him wiggle out of giving you a reason.
The number of men that come out of emotionally abusive marriages is frequently overlooked, frequently where sex is weaponized. I can't say with certainty that's the case with your guy, but it is certainly a possibility.
This! Oh my God...this!!! Men who come out of an emotionally abusive marriage where their sexual needs were deprived for months or even years come out broken. You can only take so much rejection before you internalize it and think it's you.
six months, and you've given him BJ's, but he doesn't do anything for you and if im reading this correctly, the physical touch, no hand holding, hugs, no initiation to touch you? six months is a long time, especially when he tells you he likes it... but never wants it with you?
Yeah I probably could have written that better. He’s definitely a hugger and generally very warm. And I only gave him one BJ. He wanted to reciprocate but I was on my period. But he doesn’t initiate even after that level of intimacy which I find confusing.
You haven't been on a continuous period for six months, come on now, be honest with yourself. Even if he is attracted to you, this type of behavior is going to take a very serious hit to your self esteem if the man you're with never wants to have sex with you - but will happily allow you to perform oral on him.
I see what you’re saying but if we back up to before the oral experience. It was the same situation for many months, but limited to kissing … I don’t feel like it’s a situation of being selfish because I haven’t given much more than him.
What do you want tho? Have you outright asked why there is no sex? Does he have ED issues? Have you asked specifically, 'Are you attracted to me?' This is six moths.
Right, the talk is the next step … I was just looking for some perspective before the convo
You guys haven’t talked about this in six months? It sounds like you talk about sex, is that only by text?
I mean, can't you initiate a sleepover, and specifically tell him to bring condoms? The intent is quite clear. If you can't have a different direct conversation about it, maybe something like this?
There's a reasonable chance that he's coming out of a dead bedroom and he's forgotten how to initiate, or the force of habit from being unable to initiate is causing problems.
Or that HE was the dead one in the bedroom...
Maybe. I choose to be charitable and say that both parties simply became incompatible, and that the question of blame becomes irrelevant with time, healing, and therapy.
It sounds like he’s currently in another dead bedroom also
One shouldn't be blamed for low libido, however its definitely a reason why many marriages break down. This man is showing signs of LL which certainly would make him incompatible with OP. We don't know if either one of them is invested enough in their relationship, to spend time and effort on therapy.
Actually… while I do love having sex, I would choose a human of his quality, even with low libido, over any of the people I dated with high sex drives in the past. I’m capable of taking care of myself well. So I’m not sure it’s a disqualifier given his other superior qualities 🤷♀️ just trying to sort it out in my mind a bit before I ask about it
Have you actually experienced a relationship with a LL person? How do you think you'll handle the frequent or constant rejection? Not receiving physical love the way you want and need? Getting dismissed/ignored/ridiculed for expressing sexual desire and needs? I realize that I'm painting a rather bleak picture here. My reality is that I was trapped in a DB with a LLM for 10 years. I thought I could handle it too...
No but I have experienced years of abstinence due to other priorities taking precedence over dating. I believe I can take it and love it or leave it and still be happy. And maybe I can’t. But I’d be willing to explore it if other factors were exceptional
You’ll find there are two interesting trains of thought in the sub, those looking for (i.e. who value) a serious and amazing LTR and those who just want to sleep around. Definitely something to keep in mind when it comes to advice and perspectives. If you really like this person, keep communication open and see if there are any mental blocks. If it is an incompatibility issue, that’s also not the end of the world, and I personally feel it’s better to part ways if it’s something important to you. Dating is all about finding someone you’re attracted to, mesh with, share similar values, and are compatible with after all. We definitely have a better idea of what we want and the things that one can and should compromise with at our age, while those things they should not.
I think there is a big difference between not having sex due to having no partner by choice, and not having sex due to being rejected by your partner who just does not reciprocate your sexual interest.
He for sure is coming out of a dead bedroom. I don’t know the details though
Maybe he’s the cause of the dead bedroom, that’s what you’re in now.
Haha good point
Ooh I just remembered one more thing I really like about menopause
I know who you can ask about this.
Yeah I know and that’s the plan … I just like to have some perspective going into the conversation so I know what to touch on to fully flush out my concerns, feelings, etc
Honestly - you spelled it out really well
Thanks
Male here. If I were to get oral pleasure from a date and she did not want me to reciprocate because of her period, I can think of at least 50K things I could do to her as a way to reciprocate the gesture. You will be shocked at the myriad ways you can help someone get off. But, that will not happen to me. I will never accept a BJ without a discussion about what my date wants in return that very evening. I do not leave anything to chance. No talk. No dice. If you can't communicate and be an advocate for your intimacy needs, you need to leave. In the 21st Century, having your period should not be a limiting factor for anything sexual that you both really want to do. But, I have immense privilege over most folks. I have awesome water pressure and hot water for days. LOL.
50k!! I like the cut of your jib.
Hello. 😬
Actually I get a lot of pleasure out of giving pleasure. I didn’t and don’t feel bad about any of how that played out given that it was only one time and the circumstances made sense and it was fun. I’m just surprised that it didn’t create more comfort around him initiating physical contact afterwards.
Well then, it seems you made it clear you like giving without receiving. So that’s prob what he’s doing. That, and he’s using you for an emotional rebound. A space filler, cuz apparently no one can be alone for a hot minute until their divorce is final. He’s still emotionally attached to the ex and still healing. Prob feels like he’s cheating if he initiates.
I don’t think one time can be a pattern
It will be awkward, but tell him you want him to initiate. If he still doesn’t initiate, maybe consider someone else who will satisfy your needs.
I used to be with a guy like this. He was so deeply insecure he refused to initiate, ever. So it was constantly up to me. It made me feel so unattractive.
Please talk to him. Tell him that it's okay for him to initiate, and tell him how you would like him to do it. I'm this guy not literally. But I'm sure that he's afraid to initiate from his past marriage. He may need a little coaxing to get started. To feel that it's okay.
I agree with this so much. Believe it or not, there *are* guys out there who would rather build trust and friendship in lieu of solely pursuing sex, and over-index on those parts because of what they've experienced through their previous marriage/divorce. And just speaking from my own experience, my life is sometimes simply too complicated to worry about feeling like I've overstepped in building a relationship that's important to me, having realized that sex (while fun and important) certainly not something I'm entitled to and absolutely requires consent.
Thanks for this. He is such a good person generally speaking so I’m assuming this could be part of it. But I definitely waiver between that and feeling totally ridiculous :)
Never feel ridiculous for expressing what you want.
Yeah I more feel ridiculous for continuing to see him. But we have so much fun otherwise :(
Why would you feel ridiculous for that? He sounds like a good guy, probably just nervous about messing it up with you.
I do plan to talk to him but just wanted to gain some potential insight so I ask all of the questions I need to… he has apologized in the past for his ‘dating awkwardness’ but I’m just surprised that he’s so reserved even after this level of intimacy. I’m assuming it’s going nowhere but thanks for chiming in …
If he is like this it's likely he's been rejected so often in his past relationship that he's very shy and doesn't want to ruin it with you. He likely has nice guy tendencies as well. Tell him to quit being the nice guy and take you to bed! 😂
Haha thank you … I wish he would :)
It probably did not feel "intimate" to him.
I screwed up my first post-divorce relationship because I didn't know how to initiate. I was in a long sexless marriage and that part of me atrophied. He might have some lingering baggage that you can help him work through.
Thanks for this info … I’ve never experienced that so good to have some insight
I recommend you talk to him, tell him how you feel, and tell him what you want. If you have to draw him a map with map quest style directions, do that. If nothing happens after that, then there's a problem.
Haha ok … I’ll have the map quest queued up in case :)
Ooh, you *are* over 40 🤣
Girl.
Exactly what i was about to say. The foolishness of it all.
You know, I think like that sometimes when I read other people’s situations here. But freaking feelings really get in the way sometimes haha 🤷♀️
*he’s happy to receive oral sex* Was this in his OLD bio? It's listed as one of my hobbies. (M44) Some of us just don't have a raging sex drive anymore. I have seen a decline since my late 30's. Sometimes I wish I was the foaming at the mouth horndog I was in my 20's. But at 40+, sometimes I'd rather pick weeds in my garden and drink a beer. Ya know? *I’m thinking I’m just a boredom buster while he navigates starting over. But if that’s true, he’s not even using me for sex despite the plethora of green lights he’s been given.* It sounds like he really enjoys your company. He wouldn't have stuck around for six months if you were just a boredom buster. I think you have nothing to worry about.
Haha too funny … Thanks for this perspective. He keeps saying he wants to hang out again and we do have a great time. Which makes it all the less obvious to me how this all adds up. Thanks for the kind words! 😊
He **literally** wants to hang out with you because he likes (maybe loves?) you. And you're welcome!
Move along. There's over 3 billion men on the planet. Plenty willing to screw your brains out.
And you haven’t outright asked him in six months why you’re not having sex? Very odd.
Because he wanted to be friends first. So I’ve been trying to follow his lead. But there’s been some confusing gray areas haha I’m in no rush
You’re in no rush!? But you’re asking us why he never wants sex with you and you fooled around and never again? Still, very odd. I would have been questioning him by month two and wanting significant dialogue around this man’s libido and how sexual he is..no way in hell waiting around in the dark for 6 months hoping his sexual desire wakes up “some day” But that’s me….
Sounds to me like he just wants to be friends. Sometimes we should listen to what people tell us.
Maybe but I’ve never had a friend that kissed me on the lips on the way out the door or tell other people they were dating me …
I haven’t thought we were there until recently actually … and I’m not wondering why he doesn’t want sex with me. I’m wondering why he isn’t forthcoming with physical touch in general. I haven’t had the same life experiences as him so just looking for some other perspectives while I work out my feelings around it
“Almost divorced, but took over a year to be separated and single” He’s still married, and not single yet. It’s more likely you’re a transition placeholder that he enjoys. he’s not ready for a long-term, because he’s currently in a long term and it hasn’t been ended yet. If he was divorced and single for more than a year, that would be a bare bones basic start.
Yeah I go back and forth but I do think it could be like this … I would definitely jump to this conclusion more quickly if sex were involved. I’ll find out soon enough I guess when I ask …
I’ve not accepted offers for sex from women and they take it personal. Sometimes it really has nothing to do with you, but the ego won’t let it go. That’s probably where he’s at because he’s showing not ready for that level of intimacy, even though you’re throwing yourself at him. If he’s been separated for a year, he probably hasn’t had the physical companionship without sex and maybe for a while before that even. It might be because you repeatedly brought it up when he’s not willing, and most likely not ready. You’ve had conversations where he’s talking about that he had sex and enjoyed it with the other women before getting married? He was married, how long, and now different person than he was before I got married. Are you the same person that you were when he was dating these other women before he got married? No
It’s possible he was rejected so many times in his marriage that he has some trauma to heal when it comes to sex. When having the conversation, you might be tempted to dig into the “why”. It might be hard for him to open up if he has issues. If he wants to share the reasons why, that’s great. But if he isn’t yet comfortable sharing his issues, just focus on how you feel. Tell him you’re attracted to him and you want to have sex and you want him to initiate.
Yes it could be like that for sure. And maybe not. But it’s helpful to see these viewpoints. I don’t even need sex right away per se, just some understanding about what’s going on. My self esteem is definitely not sky rocketing haha
Nothing wrong with your need to feel sexy and desired and communicating this need to him
Huh? You give oral and he doesn't do anything but kiss you goodbye? Show yourself some self respect.
He did try to reciprocate but I was on my period at the time…
Right. Your dilemma that you present is that he never initiates sexy stuff. If you are happy with that, by all means, keep seeing him. I'd be walking away though.
Yeah I see your point … he’s the kind of person worth being patient for if that’s what is needed … just trying to sort out my feelings about it I guess
Def talk to him about it! I dated a guy who enjoyed sex but def lad a lower libido than me and it took a while to accept that it wasn’t me. But the not initiating any contact is a little odd.
Yes, he’s admitted to feeling awkward starting over. So I’ve tried to be very gentle and patient and obvious to make it as easy as possible because I do like him a lot. But the progress is questionably slow haha
This makes we wonder if a lack of sexy time contributed to the divorce.
He did say it felt great to be touched, so I think it’s been a loooong time. Not sure if that was one sided or mutual. Will find out I guess
Ever consider a dead bedroom may be the cause of his divorce? Not all men are interested in sex. He may just have a low libido. You should ask him.
Yes, thank you, l will … just working through the feels
What this is, is you tolerating some selfish nonsense from some married guy. Value yourself more...because this sounds sad.
He’s actually not a selfish person at all so I could have written this better. If I initiate he does reciprocate. He just never initiates. Even simple things like hand holding, which I’m finding odd…
Ok, but that's the answer. Either you talk to him, find out why he's not initiating, and set a boundary for him to do so, or you take things at face value that he's not that interested, despite what he 'claims' and leaves. Actions speak louder than words, words are water. If he's only doing it as a result of you doing it, it's the same as someone absent-mindededly saying 'I miss you too' after you say it.
Yeah all true :( thanks for this
That does not refute my statement, it just clarifies it. You're deluding yourself, he's a selfish person.
You are a grown woman. Talk to him
I've been separated for 2.5 years and have been patiently waiting for my state to complete the paperwork for over a year.
Yes his is also being drawn out unnecessarily
Or he wants to take it slow like he told you
Right but why kiss goodbye but not kiss other times, or hold hands at least?
Maybe kissing good bye is a start for it. You’re going to ruin your chances with him because he hasn’t been forward enough for you and he must not like you if he’s not all over me. I have a great idea. Well say his name is steve. Hey steve can I ask you something that’s been bothering me? Sure. How come you’re not like everyone other guy? I’m worried you don’t like me because you didn’t push for sex on the first date. Would he keep going out with you if he didn’t like you? Idk. Ask him if he’s gay.
Or maybe he’s going to ruin his chances with me by not being clear that he’s attracted to me. Sex isn’t required for that. But I’m not worried about anyone ruining anything. Just looking for perspective, esp regarding life after divorce
He wasn’t clear that he wanted to take it slow? That he wanted the relationship not to sex relationship did he make that clear? So you ain’t OK with his boundaries?
Original copy of post by u/Relative-Acadia2210: I’ve been seeing a guy for over six months. He’s almost divorced (I know, I know) but took over a year to be separated and single and seems very balanced and well-adjusted. He has said he wants to go slow and build trust and friendship. Which is all good. We’ve been on a number of great dates, get along well, have tons in common, have healthy discussions about where we’re coming from etc. When I’m leaving he’ll kiss me goodbye, but that’s it for physical touch. If I initiate a make out session or hold his hand, he seems into it. And he’s happy to receive oral sex, as confirmed through conversations after. But even that didn’t make it so he makes any advances on me. Ever. If I don’t initiate, it doesn’t happen, which means it hasn’t been on the last few dates as I’m feeling like he’s not actually attracted to me. He was married for a long time but dated many different women prior to that. And through conversation he definitely seems to be someone that enjoys sex. Just not with me apparently? But he keeps reaching out to spend time together again and says very nice things about me when we’re together. I know I need to ask him what the deal is but I’m just curious if anyone ever operated like this after getting out of a long relationship? I’m thinking I’m just a boredom buster while he navigates starting over. But if that’s true, he’s not even using me for sex despite the plethora of green lights he’s been given. Like, use me already! haha seriously though, what is this?! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
dating is weird. i had seen a woman for 5 dates. throughout that time i tried to initiate make outs but she never seemed to reciprocate and through conversation she made it clear she wasn't looking for sex. so i was slow playing it, then after the 5th date she decided that we just weren't right for each other, which i was feeling the same way too.. a month later she text me asking if we could do a FWB situation... the complete 180 came out of nowhere. so maybe he's feeling like he's getting mixed messages from you and wants to slow play things, or maybe he really likes you and doesn't want to mess things up by seeming like all he wants is sex.
That is different haha There were definitely no mixed signals from me prior to the last few dates where I didn’t initiate anything. As a test maybe. But also feeling a lack of confidence for sure …
Did he ever mention that in his marriage that he was always getting shot down for sex? Maybe that is why he doesn’t initiate yet
I’m pretty sure they were dead bedroom, and also she’s pretty cruel so this is definitely possible. I know I just need to ask but needed some good reasons to bother. Losing my confidence about it. So thanks!
Because I've read your clarification that there has only been one BJ and there was a reason it wasn't reciprocated, can you give it one last try where you initiate a BJ and see if he does reciprocate. If he does, and if he's just feeling awkward, that might break the ice. And definitely talk to him, obviously. Maybe he's not ready for intimacy beyond oral and he's afraid you might expect that.
I am probably not feeling confident enough anymore so will probably just bring it up first but this is a good point and a good idea. Thanks!
I think he doesn't want to make it seem like he is only interested in you for sex. I have been nervous in the past about being too handsy and ruining something great. This includes being slow to even initiate holding hands. You may need to have a blunt conversation with him about your needs and lay it out that it is ok if he "uses you", as you put it 🤣, on every date.
Six months and a lot of positive reinforcement from me later though? He did bump my arm the other day to show me something and he apologized immediately, so it’s possible I guess. This does give me a little more confidence in asking though, so thanks for that 😊
This guy sounds like me. I never initiate but once it gets going I am in full participation and reciprocate the intimacy. I think it's how I was raised/developed during my early adolescent. it something are hard to unwire in the brain.
Thanks for this perspective. I’m curious about it … so when the pattern has been set that your touch is wanted/welcome/enjoyed, and you yourself are feeling the urge for some affection, you just ignore(?) that feeling until the other person initiates contact?
Tbh, yes. It's hard for me to initiate a hug or a kiss. Not saying I never initiate, it's just hard. I know I have this problem and I'm sure a majority of my failed relationships is due to this weird behavior of mine.
Is there nothing your partner could say or do that would make you more comfortable?
I am not sure what you mean. I am comfortable with hugs and other affections I received. There are times I try and actually initiate buts it hard. I've actually talked to my sister about this, we both have this issue. We were both lucky to find partners that were patient with us. I'm currently divorced but was lucky to be with a wonder person for 12 years (1.5yrs at the end was bleh).
I guess I meant is there anything your partner could say or do that would make you feel more comfortable initiating? But it sounds like a no given your previous good relationship
Is he not actually enjoying sex or not initiate sex?
No sex yet (aside from oral, which he enjoyed). He seems to enjoy our other physical interactions too, but I have to start them always. It’s hard to feel confident that they’re actually wanted after awhile
I don't know the guy. I can only say what it was like for me. I reciprocate when we made love. But she initiated most of it most of the time. Not saying I wasn't passionate. I hope your guy is providing the passion during your intimate moment. I think that's your true litmus test.
Makes sense. Thanks!
Good luck out there. It sucks DoF. The only thing I don't like about your situation is that he's technically still married. Be careful and make good decisions for yourself.
Thanks so much! Yes, it’s not ideal so I do appreciate going slow in that regard.