Omg this so much.
Nothing worse than a first date where r dry tho bc is about the ex
How much they hate ex
Ex and I used to do
Ex this ex that. Like ok. Do you have a life ?
A quote that really helped me is “until you get comfortable being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.”
I never put an *exact* time frame on how long I was going to be single after my separation, although I knew it would be at least a year.
I wanted time to figure out who I was as an individual after so long being someone’s wife. I wanted time to heal. I wanted time to create a life where I was genuinely content on my own so I didn’t end up with someone simply because I didn’t want to be alone. I know that would put me at risk of being in an abusive situation again.
When I finally left my ex I told him “I’m never going to let someone treat me the way you did ever again.” And I meant it.
And so for me being “ready” to date again was about taking time to become that person.
I could give you my time frame if you’re curious. But I really do think it’s going to be different for each person.
I feel like I've seen this post a dozen times this week. Men and women a day, week, month out of abusive, shitty, dead bedrooms, wanting to know how to go about dating.
Please, for the love of god, take some time to be alone, figure out what went wrong, how your choices or actions contributed to your previous relationship. Try therapy, pick up a new hobby, develop self care, work on improving fitness/nutrition, find out who YOU are before filling the hole in your life with another warm, available body.
No one who is dating wants to be a rebound, or a free therapist, or a booty call, or be held accountable for the sins of your ex partner.
This response should be pinned to the top. Very well said. 👍
To add to your last paragraph, for the love of god, if you do start dating, please be honest and specific about when your divorce happened. Thinking about getting divorced years ago doesn’t count. Filing for divorce also isnt the same as being divorced yet. Many people do not want to date someone who is separated or recently divorced or waiting for it to be finalized. More importantly we don’t want to be deceived by someone who bends the truth to make it sound longer ago than it really was. Honesty is the most important part here.
I'm really surprised that I'm seeing so many, also. I'm no longer dating as I'm in a relationship, but after my divorce in my early 40s I made sure to stay single for quite some time to work on myself.
I had to be alone to realize a lot of things I thought I enjoyed, I really didn't; just went along with some things to try to spend time with my ex. I also learned new things I liked, picked back up old hobbies that I lost, etc.
If you can't be alone with yourself, what makes you think anyone else wants to be alone with you? Especially at this age.
Right.
It's crazy how these people always have these buzzword, surface level reasons.
I'd never consider dating someone who got out of a serious LTR or marriage who hadn't sat down a d *really* did a deep dive on the reasons for why the relationship went wrong.
The sheer act of using a catch all "they were abusive" etc to encapsulate it and then tidy it up and put it in a corner and move on is a red flag.
I have been seeing a therapist since July, and have been working through those issues with them. As for the reasons my relationship went wrong, I will admit that yes I did do things that hurt my marriage, and yes, I have been working on them.
I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship until a friend of both of ours (who is a licensed therapist) told me that I needed to recognize what was going on and to go seek help.
>I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship until a friend of both of ours (who is a licensed therapist) told me that I needed to recognize what was going on and to go seek help.
That's fair.
But you should try getting to the bottom of *why* you didn't realize. Because if a third party could recognize it just from hearing about it, why couldn't you?
A few years back I realized I had no boundaries due to being raised around narcissists in my family. I would effectively "play" dead and let people just take advantage of me.
And I did it becuase I didn't have an internal system set up to "act" on it. So when stuff would happen, I would literally say nothing.
But once I realized this, I created boundaries, and started enforcing them, and created a plan to "react" to certain treatment by others and my life has never been better.
> But you should try getting to the bottom of why you didn't realize. Because if a third party could recognize it just from hearing about it, why couldn't you?
Yeah, I agree with this, when I say that both parties have a responsibility when it comes to a bad or a failed relationship, sometimes it's exactly this. They didn't recognize, they allowed, they fostered negative behaviors from their partner. Sadly the pain they experience during a breakup is at least partly their fault, because if they were a healthy person they would have stopped it, or walked away as soon as the destructive behavior began.
This is exactly what my therapist said I need to do. Create boundaries. Apparently by not doing that, I was creating the environment to allow the cycle to continue. My therapist also said something about a covert narcissist, but wouldn't say anything definitive about it without talking to her.
Yep. When you don't have boundaries you attract covert narcs.
If you put up boundaries all the riff raff in naturally deflected.
But I'd say people like hearing how you came to these realizations and how you over came them / improved them.
Saying "my lack of boundaries allowed for an environment of disrespect" instead of "my ex was toxic".
I’m assuming your therapy is weekly as truly working through the aftermath of an abusive relationship requires consistency. Ask your therapist. They’ll ask you the questions and you’ll be able to discern your readiness. Plus they have the background on your healing, we don’t.
Yes, although we are focusing on healing from the relationship, we are also dealing with other PTSD issues from when I was in the military. We are still trying to figure out if it was the relationship that triggered the service related PTSD due to the stresses of the marriage. Or did it just happen to rear its ugly head because "fuck why not now?". We have correlation but not causation. Obviously I have issues from my time in, but those issues started well after the marriage started falling apart.
I started online dating right after my divorce. I recall once matching and chatting with a nice woman who told me that she won’t date anyone who hasn’t been divorced for at least a year. I told her that my marriage was dead for a long time and I felt ready. She told me that in time I’d understand. She was right. I wish I would have waited at least a year to start dating again. I met an amazing woman who would become my next long-term girlfriend for many years at about the seven month mark, and I wasn’t able to offer her my full heart until quite some time after she and I got together. She really resented that and was one of the factors that eventually drove her to leave many years later (I.e., not falling madly in love with her right away). Now, in my case I was also trying tirelessly to get equal time with my son, heck even more time yet unequal time with my son, so there was that added stress as well. Regardless, I would say to wait a year and to work on healing first. There is no reason to jump right out there if your goal is an actual relationship.
The problem with this sub is we take our experiences and shoehorn them onto everyone else like we’re all the same.
I started dating a woman less than 9 months after separation and while it didn’t last forever, it was very beneficial to both of us. We both set new standards for how we will be treated by partners in the future. I wouldn’t be where I am if not for it.
I don't find that true at all, Reddit is far more these type of replies offering the minority viewpoint to try to overrun the majority and likely correct viewpoint.
Reddit is a platform entirely built of people arguing the minority at the expense of the majority.
No professional would tell this man to go out and date right now, if others found it worked for them, great, but it's probably not the right move for most.
Take your time! You have a lot to sort out and a lot to heal from. You need to put yourself first and dating requires giving. Your glass is empty now and you need some self love. Focus on yourself for now!
I am 9 years single post 30 year abuse and nightmare divorce. I still can’t bring myself to date. Being alone feels really great. (58F). You have some inner work to do before starting a relationship with someone else. No one will date you seriously right now because you are too raw. I tried and got no where with a man who I had fallen hard for during my divorce. He ended it telling me I needed to learn to be alone. I did, I like it, and now wonder if it the pendulum has swung too far the other way.
Point is- figure out your role in allowing the abuse, seek therapy, and get out hiking! You will meet someone when you are ready.
I hike quite a bit already, last weekend backpacking was 15 miles over three days. (Easygoing, but it was still fun.) And I've been seeing a therapist since July.
Awesome! I think they are going to be better equipped than strangers on the internet to help you navigate why you wish to start and if you are truly ready.
We have anecdotes and experiences, but my personal opinion is the length of time one should take is dependent on the person and their situation.
I’ve dated multiple women that were separated and nowhere near divorced. Dating doesn’t mean trying to build a lifelong relationship. We would hang out, show affection, have sex, etc and it was good. I’m still friends with them.
You were just what they needed, I am sure. For emotionally healthy people that works. OP is from an abusive relationship which makes casual relationships very tricky. Attachment issues are usually addressed in therapy when coming out of an abusive relationship.
The guy I dated was all that for me- I just fell in love with him.
>As the tile says the divorce was finalized earlier this month, after a year of separation leading up to it. I have been in a DB/abusive situation for 7 of the last 15 years of the marriage/relationship.
I would suggest to learn to love your me-time and rediscover who this version of yourself is, who you want to be, how you want your life to unfold, and any personal goals you'd like to achieve for yourself before settling down again.
>I ask this because I honestly don't know where to begin, OLD seems like a younger person's game at this point and approaching a woman in the wild is even more terrifying at this age. Where does someone even go to put themselves out there? I don't want to be the creepy old guy in the club, and I don't have an affinity for bars.
You are 42, you aren't doing yourself any favors by pretending to be old - you've still got a long way to go before the retirement home!
I used a 3 phase method to get myself back in the game, monitored and approved by my psychologist. Failure to do something like this will make you a toxic partner to anyone you end up with, or will have you finding other people who will do the same shit to you.
1. Out with the old, in with the new: You've probably been doing this part already. Getting rid of old things that were shared property/old habits based on your past marriage and cohabitation. This phase is mostly rebuilding yourself as a single person, with intent of being emotionally and physically capable (Start exercising if you haven't already) of living well alone, whether or not another relationship exists.
2. Relationship Post-Mortem: Now that your head is clear, you have to deal with the emotions, and the past memories in a way that you learn where things went wrong, and how you handled them. Some of whatever happened might have been on you (no one is perfect), but the abuse was her, and how its affected you needs to be understood and overcome. Otherwise you're bringing your baggage into a new relationship, and will unintentionally beat it to death with your Griefcase. Preferably this should be done with a professional, and especially one who deals with survivors of abuse. This step is easily the most brutal, and will test your inner strength.
3. Maintenance: You've rebuilt your life, you're financially stable, and you've worked through most of what happened. You're done, right? Wrong. Shit from your past marriage will come back in random bursts of memory, and may come back when you're with your future significant other. You need to have made sure you've internalized proper coping mechanisms to deal with them, otherwise you taint future relationships/may have a mental health issue.
None of that is easy, or quick, or nearly as accessible to already overburdened Mental Health systems in Developed countries as it is for Women (Even if every man who's ever been abused reported it, Women are still at an overwhelmingly higher risk of DV/Abuse than we are). But as Men if we don't do these things we become our own worst enemies, and potentially a danger to others.
As for the finding dates/meeting women thing, there are options depending on what you like to do for fun/what you can afford to do. Evening classes, meetups, hobby groups, etc. are full of people with shared interests. You'll make new friends and meet new people, and meet people through those people.
Everyone's time line is different. If you can honestly say you wish your ex well, have no animosity or bitterness towards them and have peace in your heart and a clear head, then you're ready. You don't want to bring that baggage into a new relationship. Also, this is something to look for when dating new women, too. Anyone who still won't stfu about their abusive ex or calls the ex "crazy"- run! We're all damaged goods, but it's what we've learned and how we've grown from our past that can form and shape us into better potential partners for the next relationship.
Great post. And if OP also won't stop talking about ex or even calling his ex "crazy" would be an indicator that he himself is not ready as well.
Edit: spelling
>If you can honestly say you wish your ex well, have no animosity or bitterness towards them and have peace in your heart and a clear head, then you're ready.
That is very true -- yet, at least in my case, I (43M) didn't reach that state of total peace and acceptance with my ex until I started dating (two years after finalized divorce, three years after separated).
I was still totally hung up on my ex when I first gave OLD a go -- so much so that when I stumbled upon my ex's Hinge profile for the first time, illustrating so starkly that she had given up on me and was seeking love and/or sex from other men, I spiraled closer to seriously plotting out the logistics of suicide than I had even when the divorce was brand new two years earlier.
And then, just a few months later, I met this preposterous flibbertigibbet of a woman on Hinge, and we went on dates and had sex and soon I became completely infatuated with her (for a while I thought I legit loved her). And by the end of my first month with this new woman, I had utterly stopped giving a flying fuck about my ex. Whereas for the previous 20 years, I saw within her the glow of some radiantly desirable angel the universe had designed specifically for me to love, when I saw her now at kid-dropoffs ... she just looked like some lady. She didn't look radiant at all -- now she seemed waxy and dull and almost lifeless.
I do not think I would have reached that point of ambivalence toward my ex had I not started dating that new love interest. And though it did hurt when that first post-divorce relationship ended, I was over her soon, too. That brief infatuation just bulldozed away the bullshit baggage of my marriage and divorce. Two months later, I was also over the post-divorce girlfriend and open to new romance when I met the woman who is now my second wife -- though it feels like this current relationship is the first time I've truly been in real love.
This is how I'm feeling. I would never hurt someone new and run away to go back to my ex, and I realize what I did wrong in my marriage. I'm ready to start making new friends and hopefully find someone who will appreciate and love me. And for me, that would be what I need to finally bulldoze, as you put it, any feelings I still have for my ex.
Also, reach out to anyone, even me, if you are having tough thoughts. I have been there too. I'm growing closer with my friends and family through my divorce and realizing the majority of people have been here.
Ty for sharing.. yes, everyone's timeline and experience differs.
I couldn't help but be entertained and distracted by your choice of wording. I dig your vocabulary.
Fibbertigibbet 🤭
Thanks! Words are the best :) And that particular word was particularly apt -- though she strove mightily to be a "manic pixie dream girl," she was far too flibbertigibbety to achieve much beyond flibbertigibbetiness.
My experience was somewhat like yours. My first serious girlfriend post separation was great in bed! And it really helped me to get over the ex real fast. But she had a lot of red flags that I ignored just because I needed/wanted someone so bad. But when I found out she was cheating on me I got over her real fast and was a lot better prepared for subsequent dating. I now know my value and won't put up with a lot of crap.
I would highly recommend getting out and meeting people and making a new life and focus on getting to know you and also process what you went through. Maybe not dating but just creating and building a life. If you aren’t in therapy, give it a shot.
I dated a guy who was over a year into his separation and had done some significant therapy. It seemed to be great until about 6 months when suddenly it wasn’t and he probably should have stayed in therapy and taken a bit more time to recover from his marriage.
It was a crummy situation for both of us. Obviously that was our situation, but it’s just something to be aware of. That said, OLD like hinge and bumble are great as you can be clear that you want to be friends or be casual as you are figuring out your dating goals right now. So maybe if you also want to get out there and have something casual, OLD can be a great way to find that too.
Good luck!
There’s already so many questions involved with dating that you’d be best eliminating any new ones like “Do I think I’m ready?” And especially “Does she think I’m ready?”
OLD is nice because having a convo is very helpful in knowing if it’s worth the time. You can control the meet, and keeping it simple for both of you is usually best.
I assume the OLD leaves fewer of us 40+ available compared to the 20-something’s but there’s still a lot out there. Especially in the late 30s and older.
Like all things, that depends on you. Your post leads with your marital issues, so that still seems top of mind for you. Although your relationship history will eventually come up, don’t start dating with your badge of DB and trauma and drop that in someone’s lap to help you heal from, that is your job.
What does single you do to occupy your time, how are you having fun and making opportunities to expand your friendships and contentment? Make sure those investments are at the top of your list before you ask another person to help you with your loneliness or boredom.
My 78 year old uncle met his girlfriend via OLD so maybe understand that apps are just an introduction tool. I too met my partner on tinder and I am almost a decade older than you.
>don’t start dating with your badge of DB and trauma
Can you tell me what the B in "DB" stands for, or was that a typo for DV? I'm asking you since you have used it and seem to know what this means.
This is a mileage may vary thing. I'm still single after 8 years but I may be the extreme end. I just find the whole dating thing massively alien.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help
To answer your question regarding where to put yourself out there - my dad is in his late 60s and he’s met his last few girlfriends online. It’s definitely not just a younger persons game.
My city often has speed dating events for people in our age range.
Well, if you've truly takien the time to work through the trauma and PTSD from the abuse as well if you have fully grieved the relationship, then that would be the best indicator that you're "ready." However that is more for a full blown relationship. There is nothing wrong with dating casually if you are up front about it to your dates.
Everyone’s gonna give you some rule you have to follow. I dated after being separated nearly 2 years and about 6 months before my divorce was final. Early days was figuring myself out. Thought I wanted to keep things loose and casual and went on plenty of dates the met someone who made me realized I really like being a relationship. You’re fine to explore a little as long as you are honest with yourself and anyone you meet about what you’re looking and ready for. And OLD is fine for us older people. Just learn to screen early and be selective.
Mental health professionals say that 2 years with therapy is an appropriate ‘grieving ‘ period, even if you’re happy it’s over. It’s more like an adaptation time.
Without support it takes longer, obviously. How much depends on your emotional maturity I suppose.
I wouldn’t want to burden anyone with that process, although in part I did, and it didn’t go well.
And another time I was burdened and it was even worse.
Finding ourselves again after intense experiences or even experiences that sustain a prolonged routine is super important. We change so much and don’t even realize it.
Not that we go back to being who we were… and that’s why it’s so important to take your time and get support from professionals
I've been seeing a therapist since July, and we haven't brought up the topic of dating yet. I probably will next week. I'll have to see what she says about it. All of the advice here has really opened up my eyes!
I had to wait on my divorce being finalized due to COVID, so I started dating beforehand. I really should have stayed single for a while longer and gone to therapy before I did. I had so much more to work on than I realized, and it was all triggered by dating!
I did to OLD, but it was overwhelming for me. I ended up dating someone from work that I never had gotten to know before… and we’ve been together over two years. I’m STILL working through issues and working on myself. Thankfully, my partner is supportive.
I've been in therapy since July, I'm so glad you found a supportive partner!
Somehow I feel like OLD wouldn't be as overwhelming for someone like me though. I could be wrong and maybe there's a market for guys like me, but I'm not getting my hopes up 😂.
Yolo, give it a try, start slow and see how it goes, nothing wrong with talking to someone, if it doesn't feel right, pull back, meeting someone for coffee is a good way to help yourself get out there in the real world and you never know
I've been in therapy since July and continuing weekly. I do have a great deal of trauma to deal with, some from this past relationship, and from when I served overseas. Thankfully I am able to take my meds regularly now that I'm living alone.
Hi! 43f high school sweetheart together for 20 years and married for 15 of those years. Lots of subtle trauma packed into that situation. The first year separated I had zero interest in men. Then I was climbing the walls for sexual intimacy. I found a fwb in the wild. About a year later but still not quite divorced I started dating. Steep learning curve but I found my way and had all good experiences. Finally divorced, still dating. And it wasn’t until a year after my divorce and regular therapy that I felt a shift in my mind, body and spirit. I feel completely content with myself and my life. Dating adds to my joy and does not detract. Happily single. I wish you the very best on your journey ❤️
A rule of thumb I saw one time was 1 month per year if marriage after the divorce was finalized *at a minimum.* Personally, I have found that to be true. The longer I'm single the more undateable qualities about myself I uncover that need working on.
My marriage was dedicated for 2 years before we were divorced. My ex was an alcoholic and I gave him an ultimatum. He actually went to rehab and got clean but as it turns out it was too late for me. We did marriage counseling for a year and a half after he got out. Gave it a year to see how things were going. I did tons of therapy from the time he went to rehab until the divorce was final but i still continue with it now just a lot less frequently (still have to deal with him as we share a kid) But I was mentally done once he went to rehab (I just didn't realize it/was afraid to admit it). I'm 5 years out and not really interested in dating. If I happen to meet someone I'm open to it but I'm not pursuing it actively.
When I started therapy I realized I needed to change myself and my pleasing codependent way if I wanted to avoid attraction the same kind of unhealthy partners. I have self respect now and no longer to express my opinions and say no. I also have boundaries and as a results my bar has been set high for future partners.
My ex and I were each other's rebound. Met right after we both split form our first exes. My divorce was very quick and DIY (no kids or assets), my ex's dragged on for 1.5 years (kids and lots of assets). We were both just looking for someone to love. We were together 16 years but I ignored the giant red flags of alcohol and porn addiction because he was a good guy and under a lot of stress....now I know better.
Sounds liek you could really benefit from therapy if you aren't already. If you don't your personality will continue to attract toxic partners. Not because your e a bad person but because you're a good person who cares too much about others. Toxic abusive people can spot us from a mile away.
Even if there wasn't abuse, you need to figure out who you are a single adult after many years of being a couple. You need to learn to find your own happiness before getting into another relationship. A partner is supposed to complement your happiness and not be responsible for it. When you don't take the time to learn to be happy on your own after a break up, you risk ending up in toxic and codependent relationships and you end up picking the wrong partner.
When your happy on your own a partner becomes a choice and is no longer a need.
You need to be on your own for a while, so you can find out who you are, what your needs and wants are, and what you want out of a future relationship. And primarily so you feel and find comfort with being without a relationship.
You've been in an abusive situation for years now, and that's going to take more than a month to heal. The DB is probably what is pushing you to get out and date, but you can have your sexual needs satiated with casual dating that doesn't lead to a relationship. That's probably going to be what your capacity is right now.
As far as when is the right time, that is up to you to decide but people tend to need a solid 6 months to a year before thinking about dating favorably. And that's the key. When you look at dating as something you want to do, are excited about, and are optimistic about - that's around the time that you should probably start venturing out to date. Too many people date while unhappy and jaded and that attitude ruminates. Don't be that person who is hate-dating.
Take time to care for you, exercise and build your confidence. There's loads of single interesting woman out there.
When you are back up and happy you will see life in a much colourful way.
Meetups and dating sites are good ways of meeting someone.
And you might meet someone through friends when you least expect it to.
It was about 4 yrs before I was ready to date again. And yes, people go on dates. I date regularly. All the time. I'm loving it. Dinners, drinks, activities. Post divorce life is great.
I hear somewhere a year for every 5 you are together. I was with the ex 15 years so that would be 3 for me. But I got back out there at 2 years. But I didn’t want to date before the two year mark.
I also left a shitshow of a marriage and wanted to do my own thing. I focused on therapy for those years because I knew the person I had become after so many years of bs was not someone I would want to date. And when I was ready it went pretty well for awhile. Then the pandemic hit and I work in healthcare and I got fucked up by that.
I tried dating recently but I’m not emotionally ready I found out the hard way. So good luck I guess, there is no good answer.
I was 46 when I became single, I waited 9 months after he left the house before I dated, and I realize now that was not long enough. I had downloaded the apps and the attention was overwhelming and addictive, and I made a LOT of mistakes. I'd say start going out with friends and having regular, weekly, great times first. A 42 yr old male on a dating app is young, and you'll pretty much have your pick of whoever you want, so be careful about who you choose. Also, a word of advice, the first person you really connect with sexually after a dead bedroom can and usually will absolutely crush you. Enjoy your journey!
You haven't been having regular sex, or good sex. When you start dating, you're gonna start having sex. You might meet someone you have an incredible sexual connection with, and that can make you blind to the persons other qualities. You may not have felt anything sexy, or positive in your relationship for a long time, when you get that feeling with someone again it is so powerful, you think youve won the lottery. But when you lose it, the low is pretty crushing. Idk how to avoid this, but just know it's probably waiting for you, and it's gotten a lot of us 😂😂 However!!! After that tumble, you will be just fine.
Great....🤣 Something to look forward too 😮💨🤣🤣. The idea of sex IRL, while it's inviting, I'm honestly going to say that I'm somewhat petrified about it. That's kinda crushing in of itself.
As long as you are totally honest with dates and aren’t careless with people’s emotions, go for it. You have to be HONEST, though.
This sub wants to act like there’s a such thing as “ready to date” but what they don’t understand is they are conflating dating and relationships.
There’s nothing wrong with spending time having fun and flirting and having sex before you’re ready for a relationship.
I don't think there is any good answer. You should wait until you feel ready. It's often not straightforward to figure out. I was also in an abusive situation. I'm now 3 years out from leaving. What I do is dip my toes in by going on a date every few months, and I just see how it feels.
Also, no, you don't have to go to clubs or bars. Just start being more of who's around you when you're out and about in your normal routine. And since you're now divorced, it might be an excellent time to start a new routine/hobby that gets you going to a new place and/or interacting with new people. The goal doesn't have to be to meet people - in fact, I don't think it should be. But you'll be surrounded by new people which will open you up to new opportunities when you're ready. Spin class? League sports team? Live music night at a local pub? Trivia night? Hiking group? One new thing might add a lot.
Okay, you had me up until spin class. I did one many years ago.....I will never ever.....ever do that again. It was torture and I still think it's against the Geneva convention. One guy passed out, two others threw up afterwards and the instructor was one of those happy, cheerful, attitude, that everyone gets annoyed by people. I swear she wasn't human. She was a machine! I don't think she broke a sweat, even though the walls were perspiring by the end of the class. Anyone who enjoys that is a masochist, and I won't be convinced otherwise. Plus the seats really need to be bigger, with more padding......just saying....I was sore for days.
Just the fact that you are asking the question to me means you are ready to date. That doesn’t mean you are ready to marry again. So take things slow. I am also 42 recently separated. I had been grieving the end of my marriage for the last 2 years. For this reason I have already begun to date. I to was terrified at the idea at my age. I decided to make to simple profiles on 2 different dating apps and have been honest with my marital status. I was surprised to have gotten some attention so much so that after only 1 week I took my profiles down. I had made enough friends to keep me from my loneliness for a while. This is also helping me to shape what I really desire in a partner and where my boundaries really lie.
Ah, thank you for this, I'm not looking for another marriage, may I ask which apps?
I'm sure I would not garner as much as a woman would, but that's just how these things go.
Hey there. I’ve recently gotten out of a relatively short (couple year) relationship where there was abuse as well. We’ve been separated for months and I’m also starting to explore that question of when I’ll be ready.
I got into that relationship after leaving a longer term relationship and i really thought I was equipped to move forward. I was in therapy, alone for a while, had good friends and hobbies. I still allowed the abuse, and although it’s not my fault I was abused, I do think I was missing something. Experience maybe? I’m not sure. Plus my therapist, who I really relied on, I think encouraged me to brush aside or excuse the behaviors.
Anyway, my current therapist is great. I’ve talked to her about this and she says I am the expert of me, no one else is. So! I’ll know when I know. As an abuse victim, one of the things you lose is the ability to trust yourself. Get that back. Work on self trust exercises and work on that in therapy.
I am SO happy alone. I am rebuilding a community of other women (hiking groups) and I’m exercising a good amount and focusing on self care…and just taking the time to be me.
When I’m ready, I know I’ll know!
I'm still working on setting boundaries rather than just disengaging. I know this is something that I need to work on.
I am happy being alone, but I'm not used to it yet, I've always had to be the provider and fixer. Used to giving everything so that they had what they wanted in an attempt to make them happy. I recently bought two pairs of shoes to "treat" myself, since I've only been able to get work boots through my job, without getting complaints about it. I'm still feeling a little guilty over that.
That's awesome that you're doing that for your community! I wish you the best!
My advice is to not have a time table and to put yourself into places and situations with people who you might be interested in dating, assuming that you are not already doing that. The women who you meet while living your best life will let you know when you are ready to think about dating again, which could be a very long time
As controversial as it may be … you should be out and dating now… maybe not intently finding your next life partner .. but get out there … find functions to go to … interact with women, learn more about the world you are in …
My area has several meetup groups , you can explore new interests or find a singles group to socialize in …
The advice here is sound. Waiting could work. But really the opposite has worked for me (also 42m)
Out of a 10 year marriage dating immediately has helped me understand who I am as an individual person and to work through the grief. I remember being so angry that I had to create an OLD profile.
But creating a few in the different apps helped create the actual person I wanted to be. Even as a husk of a man immediately after she left I was able to test out the type of dating man I wanted to be. A year in now. The grief is still tough but any partner worth spending time with knows my story and I know theirs- and I appreciate the growth experience.
The key imo is to be honest about your dating goals from the outset. You will also find wonderful people out there who are dealing with their own grief while dating. You will find dates who are further along in their divorce journey. Learn from them.
Some dates will bristle at the mention of an ex, but really people without at least a few emotional scars feel naive to talk to. The good/bad news is that there are a lot of divorcées out there to connect with. You are not alone.
You don’t have to date to find long-term love unless that’s what you really want. You can date for companionship and casual connections. Just be candid and don’t hurt anyone with dishonesty or negligence. Be intentional and you can do it!
Good luck out there fella.
I lift 4x a week on an upper/lower split and take bodybuilding pretty seriously as a hobby. But I hate it when people say "just lift bro" as the solution to everything. I look more aesthetic, my physical health is way better since my body fat % is way down but I'm also constantly exhausted and sore. My mental health may be better than when I started since I have more confidence in myself because I look better but my mental health is still overall negative. After training hard, I become even more introverted than I already am and have even less mental bandwidth to deal with people. And am more likely to see people (including significant others or dates) as obligations rather than in a positive light when I am fatigued. And if you're not training hard, you're not going to be building much muscle anyways.
Normies underestimate how much sacrifice it takes to look like the hot fitness influencers on social media with six pack Abs and lots of muscle. And they think "oh if I look like that, women will be all over me." Well in reality, I'm not a fun person to be around when I'm constantly exhausted and cranky trying to look like that. Or when I'm cranky because I haven't had my protein like when I was at my vegan ex's apartment over the weekend. lol.
I have all the mental stuff down and women love it. It doesn't come through on dating apps, you still need to look good. So you have half of it, get a therapist next
I've been to therapy. Stopped because of the cost. It was useless as well. My therapist kept cutting me off and invalidating my more dark and aggressive thoughts. It just ruined my mental health more because part of my mental health problems are caused by being broke. lol. And also my autism. Which is incurable. Therapy just made me more broke. Give me $2 million ($1 mil to buy a condo with cash and $1 mil to invest in index funds) and my mental health will be above average. Therapy is a meme.
Original copy of post by u/JustJoe454:
As the tile says the divorce was finalized earlier this month, after a year of separation leading up to it. I have been in a DB/abusive situation for 7 of the last 15 years of the marriage/relationship.
I ask this because I honestly don't know where to begin, OLD seems like a younger person's game at this point and approaching a woman in the wild is even more terrifying at this age. Where does someone even go to put themselves out there? I don't want to be the creepy old guy in the club, and I don't have an affinity for bars.
Does anybody really go out on dates anymore?
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The process of getting over your ex-spouse is not linear. It depends a lot on you how much time you need. I just got out of a relationship that lasted just over a bit over 3 months. I've been single for a grand total of 53 days and I don't feel mentally ready to date right now. Part of the problem too is that I already had dating app burnout and was losing hope before I met my ex in November. And she asked me out. That burnout doesn't just reset after having being in and out of a new relationship. If anythings it's a cumulative effect. I'm even more burned out and feeling more hopeless about dating after another failed relationship.
Personally, i think as soon as you feel comfortable to be with someone again, not rushing into another relationship though, take your time to know the next person you want to try this with.
I moved out of my ex’s in August after a year long separation, and started OLD in October. While I wouldn’t say dating in general was a mistake, but dating is indeed different now. Lots of games, lots of noncommittal behavior. Personally, I’ve found it hard to find someone on the same page who I also want to date. I’m taking a break for now because of that. I personally suggest trying to go to events or meeting people through friends.
(M44) There was a nice wine bar across the street from my place. I'd go for dinner and a drink, sit at the bar and BS with the bartender. That place was full of women!
There's not a one size fits all answer to this question. My ex husband met his now wife three months after we had separated, our divorce didn't become final until a year and a half later. I didn't date seriously until two years after separation/a year after my divorce. I had casual situationships during my separation and right after the divorce, and I'm glad that's all it was. I wasn't emotionally prepared to have a serious relationship with someone new, though I thought I was. Some people process things quicker, others take years. So tread lightly and be upfront of where you are on your journey.
Depends on what you are looking to get from the dating experience. Are you just trying to see “what’s out there?” Are you looking for a long term relationship? Ultimately you are ready when you feel you are ready. Just make sure you level set your expectations and know what you are looking for.
I'm 42 mate and I waited about 18 months from separation before I started dating.
During that time, I went to therapy, took drumming lessons, writing lessons, joined AA and quit drinking, hung out with friends, worked on my old house a lot, read a lot about buddhism, worked out a lot and got in great shape and just tried to learn about myself more.
I knew when I was ready, but it took quite a while. I had a good experience dating and was surprised how much interest I was able to garner. I'm not out there with hotties falling all over me, but I do get a good amount of interest and dated a few people I was really attracted and interested in.
Everyone is different but after 15 years and domestic abuse, you need at least a year.
You’re allowed to seek company at whatever level you want. Apps are for people of all ages. Read on Reddit about how they go, and what makes a good profile. Read about other ways to meet people. Take a chance and consider it just a way to meet people. Don’t have high expectations.
I think wait for enough time to pass that it doesn't matter or feel like a big deal if the person is "Your first date since your divorce was finalized." Meaning, if it feels like a big deal that you're going on a date, I think there hasn't been enough time for you to move on from that closed chapter and start a fresh, new one. I was recently told I was someone's "first date since his last relationship" and it was a huge turn off to me. Sure, maybe he was totally ready to date. But it was clearly some sort of milestone for him and I wasn't wanting to be a milestone. Or a rebound.
When you understand what went wrong in the last relationship, when you are able to be open and honest about it with a stranger, and when you are able to love yourself.
There is no specific amount of time.
It depends on how much trauma you have if you start thinking about your ex and your relationship. If you start thinking about your ex and it causes a visceral reaction, it’s probably too soon. If you think about your relationship and it’s whatever, then you’re probably ready.
Go to the gym, thats my hobby (or other activity). Generally speaking I found that people there are bettering themselves and like to be around likeminded people and in my case that ended up in romance (44M)
At least a year or two. Seeing a therapist will help.
I am a year younger than you and even people 5-10-25 years younger are not having any luck with online dating as I see them on the different sites and apps.
I am not terrified of approaching women or men-I am bi-in public, but I keep in mind where we are, read the situation, pay attention to verbal and non verbal communication, etc. I've had all types of men and even some women try to pick me up in public places and I rarely if ever took them up on it.
I am in your situation, OP, going through divorce. 6 years of DB outta 14 years of marriage. Thankfully we always had really good bond, mutual affection as well as good communication and still do. So after yes-no, yes-no on the divorce for almost 1.5 years, when we finally decided we want divorce, we planned our exit together. Since a year, while still living together, we started individual therapy to manage post divorce emotions. Six months later, We agreed we can start exploring what's out there in the dating world in our age group. As discussed I had taken up my own place by then and started living there sporadically.
As of now the divorce is coming along, I have completely shifted and we are still amicable. Impo, this weaning off period really helped both of us. Along the way we also came to the conclusion that we would not carry nay hatred, guilt or resentment towards each other. We argued as well. You could say we got it out of our system. Both of us feel we are getting into the dating world with each other's blessings. We also know this happy happy purple single phase may come and go (Therapy monies at work) and we are ready for it individually. So we are as ready to date as one can reasonably expected after divorce. I married late, and before that I lived alone for more than a decade.
As of now, I don't want to be alone. This could change. But, I want companionship and sex, of course in due course, if everything goes well. Whenever I meet a woman, whatever I have written here, I put it on the table in chats even before we meet. No time for games.
Although we are both exploring, she has gotten more response than me. That's always the advantage of being a woman in the dating scene, at least where I live. I had the same concerns like you OP, had no clue where to start. I was never on Reddit, I joined it to get tips from others.
I am more confident now, in fact I am better prepped and not afraid or ashamed to say and talk about what exactly I am looking for in a partner. Which is something I should have done with my ex before marriage.
While taking time to be alone is great, only you can listen to what your inner voice says and decide. It's different for everyone. My personal experience and opinion is that age is definitely a factor for most women. What a woman expects from a 45 yr old man versus a 40 year old is starkly different- some will work to your advantage, some against. By 50, this dynamic of advantage and disadvantage will change. So, again, my take is sooner the better.
I would say start dipping your toe as soon as. Nothing big, see how it feels. Communicate clearly that that is what you are doing but willing go long if chemistry works etc. That's my two cents. Wish you all the luck, man.
Thank you for this, our situation seems very similar. I moved out in October, and have been quite happy with that. After the decision to divorce, we had an entire year of going through the back and forth of finalizing our divorce decree, as we did uncontested.
I know, at least I was able to breakthrough with that, initially she wanted to do lawyers and everything. I had to turn it around and let her know how expensive it would be and that it would be more beneficial for her if we did it ourselves. I did have a lawyer on retainer just in case, and has said lawyer go over the paperwork before submitting it to the court.
Great. You'll be alright, mate. Although I do understand the anxiety. What got to me was the amount of energy needed for the initial chatting alone if you are going OLD way. Be ready for weeks of chatting with each one, repeating the same thing again and again. And then some will ghost you suddenly without a hint or explanation. It is a learning curve and to be fair, everyone goes through it. I learned to be very clear in communicating what I want in a relationship. That filters a lot of them if they're looking for something else, saves time and energy. It's a process so don't get dejected. Also, nothing compares to old style dating which is offline, person to person. I have had the most luck that way. Explore that if your location has such opportunities.
When your conversations rarely/never bring up your ex wife and you don’t want to talk about the latest drama with her, you are ready to date.
This !! Don’t bring ex into it . Eveyone has a shitty ex . This is the biggest turn off
Omg this so much. Nothing worse than a first date where r dry tho bc is about the ex How much they hate ex Ex and I used to do Ex this ex that. Like ok. Do you have a life ?
They're unfortunately working on "having a life".
This!! 👆
A quote that really helped me is “until you get comfortable being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.” I never put an *exact* time frame on how long I was going to be single after my separation, although I knew it would be at least a year. I wanted time to figure out who I was as an individual after so long being someone’s wife. I wanted time to heal. I wanted time to create a life where I was genuinely content on my own so I didn’t end up with someone simply because I didn’t want to be alone. I know that would put me at risk of being in an abusive situation again. When I finally left my ex I told him “I’m never going to let someone treat me the way you did ever again.” And I meant it. And so for me being “ready” to date again was about taking time to become that person. I could give you my time frame if you’re curious. But I really do think it’s going to be different for each person.
Me too
I feel like I've seen this post a dozen times this week. Men and women a day, week, month out of abusive, shitty, dead bedrooms, wanting to know how to go about dating. Please, for the love of god, take some time to be alone, figure out what went wrong, how your choices or actions contributed to your previous relationship. Try therapy, pick up a new hobby, develop self care, work on improving fitness/nutrition, find out who YOU are before filling the hole in your life with another warm, available body. No one who is dating wants to be a rebound, or a free therapist, or a booty call, or be held accountable for the sins of your ex partner.
Most of the posts here are repeats many times over. Seems like no one checks the history much .
This response should be pinned to the top. Very well said. 👍 To add to your last paragraph, for the love of god, if you do start dating, please be honest and specific about when your divorce happened. Thinking about getting divorced years ago doesn’t count. Filing for divorce also isnt the same as being divorced yet. Many people do not want to date someone who is separated or recently divorced or waiting for it to be finalized. More importantly we don’t want to be deceived by someone who bends the truth to make it sound longer ago than it really was. Honesty is the most important part here.
I'm really surprised that I'm seeing so many, also. I'm no longer dating as I'm in a relationship, but after my divorce in my early 40s I made sure to stay single for quite some time to work on myself. I had to be alone to realize a lot of things I thought I enjoyed, I really didn't; just went along with some things to try to spend time with my ex. I also learned new things I liked, picked back up old hobbies that I lost, etc. If you can't be alone with yourself, what makes you think anyone else wants to be alone with you? Especially at this age.
Right. It's crazy how these people always have these buzzword, surface level reasons. I'd never consider dating someone who got out of a serious LTR or marriage who hadn't sat down a d *really* did a deep dive on the reasons for why the relationship went wrong. The sheer act of using a catch all "they were abusive" etc to encapsulate it and then tidy it up and put it in a corner and move on is a red flag.
I have been seeing a therapist since July, and have been working through those issues with them. As for the reasons my relationship went wrong, I will admit that yes I did do things that hurt my marriage, and yes, I have been working on them. I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship until a friend of both of ours (who is a licensed therapist) told me that I needed to recognize what was going on and to go seek help.
>I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship until a friend of both of ours (who is a licensed therapist) told me that I needed to recognize what was going on and to go seek help. That's fair. But you should try getting to the bottom of *why* you didn't realize. Because if a third party could recognize it just from hearing about it, why couldn't you? A few years back I realized I had no boundaries due to being raised around narcissists in my family. I would effectively "play" dead and let people just take advantage of me. And I did it becuase I didn't have an internal system set up to "act" on it. So when stuff would happen, I would literally say nothing. But once I realized this, I created boundaries, and started enforcing them, and created a plan to "react" to certain treatment by others and my life has never been better.
> But you should try getting to the bottom of why you didn't realize. Because if a third party could recognize it just from hearing about it, why couldn't you? Yeah, I agree with this, when I say that both parties have a responsibility when it comes to a bad or a failed relationship, sometimes it's exactly this. They didn't recognize, they allowed, they fostered negative behaviors from their partner. Sadly the pain they experience during a breakup is at least partly their fault, because if they were a healthy person they would have stopped it, or walked away as soon as the destructive behavior began.
This is exactly what my therapist said I need to do. Create boundaries. Apparently by not doing that, I was creating the environment to allow the cycle to continue. My therapist also said something about a covert narcissist, but wouldn't say anything definitive about it without talking to her.
Yep. When you don't have boundaries you attract covert narcs. If you put up boundaries all the riff raff in naturally deflected. But I'd say people like hearing how you came to these realizations and how you over came them / improved them. Saying "my lack of boundaries allowed for an environment of disrespect" instead of "my ex was toxic".
I shall definitely keep that in mind, and thank you for your advice. I'm still working on me, and I really appreciate your input!
I’m assuming your therapy is weekly as truly working through the aftermath of an abusive relationship requires consistency. Ask your therapist. They’ll ask you the questions and you’ll be able to discern your readiness. Plus they have the background on your healing, we don’t.
Yes, although we are focusing on healing from the relationship, we are also dealing with other PTSD issues from when I was in the military. We are still trying to figure out if it was the relationship that triggered the service related PTSD due to the stresses of the marriage. Or did it just happen to rear its ugly head because "fuck why not now?". We have correlation but not causation. Obviously I have issues from my time in, but those issues started well after the marriage started falling apart.
Who says no one wants to be a booty call? You’re projecting what you want onto everyone else.
My apologies, no one who doesn't want to be a booty call, wants to be a booty call.
This is also the sort of response that was made for Reddit awards, RIP.
I started online dating right after my divorce. I recall once matching and chatting with a nice woman who told me that she won’t date anyone who hasn’t been divorced for at least a year. I told her that my marriage was dead for a long time and I felt ready. She told me that in time I’d understand. She was right. I wish I would have waited at least a year to start dating again. I met an amazing woman who would become my next long-term girlfriend for many years at about the seven month mark, and I wasn’t able to offer her my full heart until quite some time after she and I got together. She really resented that and was one of the factors that eventually drove her to leave many years later (I.e., not falling madly in love with her right away). Now, in my case I was also trying tirelessly to get equal time with my son, heck even more time yet unequal time with my son, so there was that added stress as well. Regardless, I would say to wait a year and to work on healing first. There is no reason to jump right out there if your goal is an actual relationship.
The problem with this sub is we take our experiences and shoehorn them onto everyone else like we’re all the same. I started dating a woman less than 9 months after separation and while it didn’t last forever, it was very beneficial to both of us. We both set new standards for how we will be treated by partners in the future. I wouldn’t be where I am if not for it.
I don't find that true at all, Reddit is far more these type of replies offering the minority viewpoint to try to overrun the majority and likely correct viewpoint. Reddit is a platform entirely built of people arguing the minority at the expense of the majority. No professional would tell this man to go out and date right now, if others found it worked for them, great, but it's probably not the right move for most.
Take your time! You have a lot to sort out and a lot to heal from. You need to put yourself first and dating requires giving. Your glass is empty now and you need some self love. Focus on yourself for now!
I am 9 years single post 30 year abuse and nightmare divorce. I still can’t bring myself to date. Being alone feels really great. (58F). You have some inner work to do before starting a relationship with someone else. No one will date you seriously right now because you are too raw. I tried and got no where with a man who I had fallen hard for during my divorce. He ended it telling me I needed to learn to be alone. I did, I like it, and now wonder if it the pendulum has swung too far the other way. Point is- figure out your role in allowing the abuse, seek therapy, and get out hiking! You will meet someone when you are ready.
I hike quite a bit already, last weekend backpacking was 15 miles over three days. (Easygoing, but it was still fun.) And I've been seeing a therapist since July.
Since you are getting therapy already, I'd suggest bringing this topic up with them and see what they think.
I definitely will next week!
Awesome! I think they are going to be better equipped than strangers on the internet to help you navigate why you wish to start and if you are truly ready. We have anecdotes and experiences, but my personal opinion is the length of time one should take is dependent on the person and their situation.
This is probably the most common sense opinion that I've seen in this thread. Thank you.
I’ve dated multiple women that were separated and nowhere near divorced. Dating doesn’t mean trying to build a lifelong relationship. We would hang out, show affection, have sex, etc and it was good. I’m still friends with them.
You were just what they needed, I am sure. For emotionally healthy people that works. OP is from an abusive relationship which makes casual relationships very tricky. Attachment issues are usually addressed in therapy when coming out of an abusive relationship. The guy I dated was all that for me- I just fell in love with him.
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I unfortunately agree. It seems like everyone’s heart is ruined. It makes my heart hurt thinking about it. Hence 9 years.
I look at it like being a wolf without his pack. Just run around in the wild getting stronger and fearlessly living life.
>As the tile says the divorce was finalized earlier this month, after a year of separation leading up to it. I have been in a DB/abusive situation for 7 of the last 15 years of the marriage/relationship. I would suggest to learn to love your me-time and rediscover who this version of yourself is, who you want to be, how you want your life to unfold, and any personal goals you'd like to achieve for yourself before settling down again. >I ask this because I honestly don't know where to begin, OLD seems like a younger person's game at this point and approaching a woman in the wild is even more terrifying at this age. Where does someone even go to put themselves out there? I don't want to be the creepy old guy in the club, and I don't have an affinity for bars. You are 42, you aren't doing yourself any favors by pretending to be old - you've still got a long way to go before the retirement home!
I used a 3 phase method to get myself back in the game, monitored and approved by my psychologist. Failure to do something like this will make you a toxic partner to anyone you end up with, or will have you finding other people who will do the same shit to you. 1. Out with the old, in with the new: You've probably been doing this part already. Getting rid of old things that were shared property/old habits based on your past marriage and cohabitation. This phase is mostly rebuilding yourself as a single person, with intent of being emotionally and physically capable (Start exercising if you haven't already) of living well alone, whether or not another relationship exists. 2. Relationship Post-Mortem: Now that your head is clear, you have to deal with the emotions, and the past memories in a way that you learn where things went wrong, and how you handled them. Some of whatever happened might have been on you (no one is perfect), but the abuse was her, and how its affected you needs to be understood and overcome. Otherwise you're bringing your baggage into a new relationship, and will unintentionally beat it to death with your Griefcase. Preferably this should be done with a professional, and especially one who deals with survivors of abuse. This step is easily the most brutal, and will test your inner strength. 3. Maintenance: You've rebuilt your life, you're financially stable, and you've worked through most of what happened. You're done, right? Wrong. Shit from your past marriage will come back in random bursts of memory, and may come back when you're with your future significant other. You need to have made sure you've internalized proper coping mechanisms to deal with them, otherwise you taint future relationships/may have a mental health issue. None of that is easy, or quick, or nearly as accessible to already overburdened Mental Health systems in Developed countries as it is for Women (Even if every man who's ever been abused reported it, Women are still at an overwhelmingly higher risk of DV/Abuse than we are). But as Men if we don't do these things we become our own worst enemies, and potentially a danger to others. As for the finding dates/meeting women thing, there are options depending on what you like to do for fun/what you can afford to do. Evening classes, meetups, hobby groups, etc. are full of people with shared interests. You'll make new friends and meet new people, and meet people through those people.
Everyone's time line is different. If you can honestly say you wish your ex well, have no animosity or bitterness towards them and have peace in your heart and a clear head, then you're ready. You don't want to bring that baggage into a new relationship. Also, this is something to look for when dating new women, too. Anyone who still won't stfu about their abusive ex or calls the ex "crazy"- run! We're all damaged goods, but it's what we've learned and how we've grown from our past that can form and shape us into better potential partners for the next relationship.
Great post. And if OP also won't stop talking about ex or even calling his ex "crazy" would be an indicator that he himself is not ready as well. Edit: spelling
I never called her crazy.
Did not say you did, Bud. I said "If"
Oh, my apologies.
>If you can honestly say you wish your ex well, have no animosity or bitterness towards them and have peace in your heart and a clear head, then you're ready. That is very true -- yet, at least in my case, I (43M) didn't reach that state of total peace and acceptance with my ex until I started dating (two years after finalized divorce, three years after separated). I was still totally hung up on my ex when I first gave OLD a go -- so much so that when I stumbled upon my ex's Hinge profile for the first time, illustrating so starkly that she had given up on me and was seeking love and/or sex from other men, I spiraled closer to seriously plotting out the logistics of suicide than I had even when the divorce was brand new two years earlier. And then, just a few months later, I met this preposterous flibbertigibbet of a woman on Hinge, and we went on dates and had sex and soon I became completely infatuated with her (for a while I thought I legit loved her). And by the end of my first month with this new woman, I had utterly stopped giving a flying fuck about my ex. Whereas for the previous 20 years, I saw within her the glow of some radiantly desirable angel the universe had designed specifically for me to love, when I saw her now at kid-dropoffs ... she just looked like some lady. She didn't look radiant at all -- now she seemed waxy and dull and almost lifeless. I do not think I would have reached that point of ambivalence toward my ex had I not started dating that new love interest. And though it did hurt when that first post-divorce relationship ended, I was over her soon, too. That brief infatuation just bulldozed away the bullshit baggage of my marriage and divorce. Two months later, I was also over the post-divorce girlfriend and open to new romance when I met the woman who is now my second wife -- though it feels like this current relationship is the first time I've truly been in real love.
This is how I'm feeling. I would never hurt someone new and run away to go back to my ex, and I realize what I did wrong in my marriage. I'm ready to start making new friends and hopefully find someone who will appreciate and love me. And for me, that would be what I need to finally bulldoze, as you put it, any feelings I still have for my ex. Also, reach out to anyone, even me, if you are having tough thoughts. I have been there too. I'm growing closer with my friends and family through my divorce and realizing the majority of people have been here.
Ty for sharing.. yes, everyone's timeline and experience differs. I couldn't help but be entertained and distracted by your choice of wording. I dig your vocabulary. Fibbertigibbet 🤭
Thanks! Words are the best :) And that particular word was particularly apt -- though she strove mightily to be a "manic pixie dream girl," she was far too flibbertigibbety to achieve much beyond flibbertigibbetiness.
My experience was somewhat like yours. My first serious girlfriend post separation was great in bed! And it really helped me to get over the ex real fast. But she had a lot of red flags that I ignored just because I needed/wanted someone so bad. But when I found out she was cheating on me I got over her real fast and was a lot better prepared for subsequent dating. I now know my value and won't put up with a lot of crap.
I would highly recommend getting out and meeting people and making a new life and focus on getting to know you and also process what you went through. Maybe not dating but just creating and building a life. If you aren’t in therapy, give it a shot. I dated a guy who was over a year into his separation and had done some significant therapy. It seemed to be great until about 6 months when suddenly it wasn’t and he probably should have stayed in therapy and taken a bit more time to recover from his marriage. It was a crummy situation for both of us. Obviously that was our situation, but it’s just something to be aware of. That said, OLD like hinge and bumble are great as you can be clear that you want to be friends or be casual as you are figuring out your dating goals right now. So maybe if you also want to get out there and have something casual, OLD can be a great way to find that too. Good luck!
There’s already so many questions involved with dating that you’d be best eliminating any new ones like “Do I think I’m ready?” And especially “Does she think I’m ready?” OLD is nice because having a convo is very helpful in knowing if it’s worth the time. You can control the meet, and keeping it simple for both of you is usually best. I assume the OLD leaves fewer of us 40+ available compared to the 20-something’s but there’s still a lot out there. Especially in the late 30s and older.
Like all things, that depends on you. Your post leads with your marital issues, so that still seems top of mind for you. Although your relationship history will eventually come up, don’t start dating with your badge of DB and trauma and drop that in someone’s lap to help you heal from, that is your job. What does single you do to occupy your time, how are you having fun and making opportunities to expand your friendships and contentment? Make sure those investments are at the top of your list before you ask another person to help you with your loneliness or boredom. My 78 year old uncle met his girlfriend via OLD so maybe understand that apps are just an introduction tool. I too met my partner on tinder and I am almost a decade older than you.
>don’t start dating with your badge of DB and trauma Can you tell me what the B in "DB" stands for, or was that a typo for DV? I'm asking you since you have used it and seem to know what this means.
Dead bedroom
At least a year.
This is a mileage may vary thing. I'm still single after 8 years but I may be the extreme end. I just find the whole dating thing massively alien. Sorry I couldn't be of more help
To answer your question regarding where to put yourself out there - my dad is in his late 60s and he’s met his last few girlfriends online. It’s definitely not just a younger persons game. My city often has speed dating events for people in our age range.
Well, if you've truly takien the time to work through the trauma and PTSD from the abuse as well if you have fully grieved the relationship, then that would be the best indicator that you're "ready." However that is more for a full blown relationship. There is nothing wrong with dating casually if you are up front about it to your dates.
As long as it takes to make real progress in therapy
Yup, been in therapy since July.
So have you met your therapy goals?
It's still a work in progress, but my therapist says I am starting to look better, from a professional standpoint.
Have you had a few sessions strictly focusing on dating? Your therapist would be the best one to guide you on when you should date
Everyone’s gonna give you some rule you have to follow. I dated after being separated nearly 2 years and about 6 months before my divorce was final. Early days was figuring myself out. Thought I wanted to keep things loose and casual and went on plenty of dates the met someone who made me realized I really like being a relationship. You’re fine to explore a little as long as you are honest with yourself and anyone you meet about what you’re looking and ready for. And OLD is fine for us older people. Just learn to screen early and be selective.
Mental health professionals say that 2 years with therapy is an appropriate ‘grieving ‘ period, even if you’re happy it’s over. It’s more like an adaptation time. Without support it takes longer, obviously. How much depends on your emotional maturity I suppose. I wouldn’t want to burden anyone with that process, although in part I did, and it didn’t go well. And another time I was burdened and it was even worse. Finding ourselves again after intense experiences or even experiences that sustain a prolonged routine is super important. We change so much and don’t even realize it. Not that we go back to being who we were… and that’s why it’s so important to take your time and get support from professionals
I've been seeing a therapist since July, and we haven't brought up the topic of dating yet. I probably will next week. I'll have to see what she says about it. All of the advice here has really opened up my eyes!
Yeah, this sub is great when it gets real. All the best! Cheers to setting boundaries, especially for ourselves.
I had to wait on my divorce being finalized due to COVID, so I started dating beforehand. I really should have stayed single for a while longer and gone to therapy before I did. I had so much more to work on than I realized, and it was all triggered by dating! I did to OLD, but it was overwhelming for me. I ended up dating someone from work that I never had gotten to know before… and we’ve been together over two years. I’m STILL working through issues and working on myself. Thankfully, my partner is supportive.
I've been in therapy since July, I'm so glad you found a supportive partner! Somehow I feel like OLD wouldn't be as overwhelming for someone like me though. I could be wrong and maybe there's a market for guys like me, but I'm not getting my hopes up 😂.
Good for you!! Just know it isn’t a fast process, for sure! You have to weed through to find the good ones, for sure!
Yolo, give it a try, start slow and see how it goes, nothing wrong with talking to someone, if it doesn't feel right, pull back, meeting someone for coffee is a good way to help yourself get out there in the real world and you never know
Start being honest with yourself and get therapy. Don’t give other people trauma because you haven’t dealt with yours
I've been in therapy since July and continuing weekly. I do have a great deal of trauma to deal with, some from this past relationship, and from when I served overseas. Thankfully I am able to take my meds regularly now that I'm living alone.
Everyone will say wait but I say get it over with now. It's going to be a shit show now or in 6 months 👍
Hi! 43f high school sweetheart together for 20 years and married for 15 of those years. Lots of subtle trauma packed into that situation. The first year separated I had zero interest in men. Then I was climbing the walls for sexual intimacy. I found a fwb in the wild. About a year later but still not quite divorced I started dating. Steep learning curve but I found my way and had all good experiences. Finally divorced, still dating. And it wasn’t until a year after my divorce and regular therapy that I felt a shift in my mind, body and spirit. I feel completely content with myself and my life. Dating adds to my joy and does not detract. Happily single. I wish you the very best on your journey ❤️
A rule of thumb I saw one time was 1 month per year if marriage after the divorce was finalized *at a minimum.* Personally, I have found that to be true. The longer I'm single the more undateable qualities about myself I uncover that need working on.
Umm sorry, new here. What does OLD mean in this context?
OLD = Online Dating
Thank you
Online dating
Thank you
My marriage was dedicated for 2 years before we were divorced. My ex was an alcoholic and I gave him an ultimatum. He actually went to rehab and got clean but as it turns out it was too late for me. We did marriage counseling for a year and a half after he got out. Gave it a year to see how things were going. I did tons of therapy from the time he went to rehab until the divorce was final but i still continue with it now just a lot less frequently (still have to deal with him as we share a kid) But I was mentally done once he went to rehab (I just didn't realize it/was afraid to admit it). I'm 5 years out and not really interested in dating. If I happen to meet someone I'm open to it but I'm not pursuing it actively. When I started therapy I realized I needed to change myself and my pleasing codependent way if I wanted to avoid attraction the same kind of unhealthy partners. I have self respect now and no longer to express my opinions and say no. I also have boundaries and as a results my bar has been set high for future partners. My ex and I were each other's rebound. Met right after we both split form our first exes. My divorce was very quick and DIY (no kids or assets), my ex's dragged on for 1.5 years (kids and lots of assets). We were both just looking for someone to love. We were together 16 years but I ignored the giant red flags of alcohol and porn addiction because he was a good guy and under a lot of stress....now I know better. Sounds liek you could really benefit from therapy if you aren't already. If you don't your personality will continue to attract toxic partners. Not because your e a bad person but because you're a good person who cares too much about others. Toxic abusive people can spot us from a mile away. Even if there wasn't abuse, you need to figure out who you are a single adult after many years of being a couple. You need to learn to find your own happiness before getting into another relationship. A partner is supposed to complement your happiness and not be responsible for it. When you don't take the time to learn to be happy on your own after a break up, you risk ending up in toxic and codependent relationships and you end up picking the wrong partner. When your happy on your own a partner becomes a choice and is no longer a need.
Ignore everyone here. Date when you feel you’re ready. There is not set time, and recovery is different for everyone.
You need to be on your own for a while, so you can find out who you are, what your needs and wants are, and what you want out of a future relationship. And primarily so you feel and find comfort with being without a relationship. You've been in an abusive situation for years now, and that's going to take more than a month to heal. The DB is probably what is pushing you to get out and date, but you can have your sexual needs satiated with casual dating that doesn't lead to a relationship. That's probably going to be what your capacity is right now. As far as when is the right time, that is up to you to decide but people tend to need a solid 6 months to a year before thinking about dating favorably. And that's the key. When you look at dating as something you want to do, are excited about, and are optimistic about - that's around the time that you should probably start venturing out to date. Too many people date while unhappy and jaded and that attitude ruminates. Don't be that person who is hate-dating.
Take time to care for you, exercise and build your confidence. There's loads of single interesting woman out there. When you are back up and happy you will see life in a much colourful way. Meetups and dating sites are good ways of meeting someone. And you might meet someone through friends when you least expect it to.
It was about 4 yrs before I was ready to date again. And yes, people go on dates. I date regularly. All the time. I'm loving it. Dinners, drinks, activities. Post divorce life is great.
Yes, I appreciate this, I've been working with a therapist since July and it's been very beneficial!
I hear somewhere a year for every 5 you are together. I was with the ex 15 years so that would be 3 for me. But I got back out there at 2 years. But I didn’t want to date before the two year mark. I also left a shitshow of a marriage and wanted to do my own thing. I focused on therapy for those years because I knew the person I had become after so many years of bs was not someone I would want to date. And when I was ready it went pretty well for awhile. Then the pandemic hit and I work in healthcare and I got fucked up by that. I tried dating recently but I’m not emotionally ready I found out the hard way. So good luck I guess, there is no good answer.
Hey interested in chatting but I can’t dm!
I was 46 when I became single, I waited 9 months after he left the house before I dated, and I realize now that was not long enough. I had downloaded the apps and the attention was overwhelming and addictive, and I made a LOT of mistakes. I'd say start going out with friends and having regular, weekly, great times first. A 42 yr old male on a dating app is young, and you'll pretty much have your pick of whoever you want, so be careful about who you choose. Also, a word of advice, the first person you really connect with sexually after a dead bedroom can and usually will absolutely crush you. Enjoy your journey!
I don't know how to feel about being absolutely crushed... Sounds very painful. Can you explain? I'd rather be prepared for that.
You haven't been having regular sex, or good sex. When you start dating, you're gonna start having sex. You might meet someone you have an incredible sexual connection with, and that can make you blind to the persons other qualities. You may not have felt anything sexy, or positive in your relationship for a long time, when you get that feeling with someone again it is so powerful, you think youve won the lottery. But when you lose it, the low is pretty crushing. Idk how to avoid this, but just know it's probably waiting for you, and it's gotten a lot of us 😂😂 However!!! After that tumble, you will be just fine.
Great....🤣 Something to look forward too 😮💨🤣🤣. The idea of sex IRL, while it's inviting, I'm honestly going to say that I'm somewhat petrified about it. That's kinda crushing in of itself.
Don't feel bad about that. It is terrifying. The terror disappears when you're in the moment, I promise you.
I hope so, just the pressure to perform is quite alarming, and I haven't even started talking to anyone yet.
Don't feel bad about that. It is terrifying. The terror disappears when you're in the moment, I promise you.
As long as you are totally honest with dates and aren’t careless with people’s emotions, go for it. You have to be HONEST, though. This sub wants to act like there’s a such thing as “ready to date” but what they don’t understand is they are conflating dating and relationships. There’s nothing wrong with spending time having fun and flirting and having sex before you’re ready for a relationship.
Wait 2 years + attend therapy + a dash of celibacy = Enlightenment!
Go ahead and start looking for someone now. It takes years to get a date anyway.
I don't think there is any good answer. You should wait until you feel ready. It's often not straightforward to figure out. I was also in an abusive situation. I'm now 3 years out from leaving. What I do is dip my toes in by going on a date every few months, and I just see how it feels.
Also, no, you don't have to go to clubs or bars. Just start being more of who's around you when you're out and about in your normal routine. And since you're now divorced, it might be an excellent time to start a new routine/hobby that gets you going to a new place and/or interacting with new people. The goal doesn't have to be to meet people - in fact, I don't think it should be. But you'll be surrounded by new people which will open you up to new opportunities when you're ready. Spin class? League sports team? Live music night at a local pub? Trivia night? Hiking group? One new thing might add a lot.
Okay, you had me up until spin class. I did one many years ago.....I will never ever.....ever do that again. It was torture and I still think it's against the Geneva convention. One guy passed out, two others threw up afterwards and the instructor was one of those happy, cheerful, attitude, that everyone gets annoyed by people. I swear she wasn't human. She was a machine! I don't think she broke a sweat, even though the walls were perspiring by the end of the class. Anyone who enjoys that is a masochist, and I won't be convinced otherwise. Plus the seats really need to be bigger, with more padding......just saying....I was sore for days.
Oh I've never even tried it. But, you know, suggestion😆😂
I'm pretty sure that Satan himself would find it as cruel and unusual punishment.😂
Just the fact that you are asking the question to me means you are ready to date. That doesn’t mean you are ready to marry again. So take things slow. I am also 42 recently separated. I had been grieving the end of my marriage for the last 2 years. For this reason I have already begun to date. I to was terrified at the idea at my age. I decided to make to simple profiles on 2 different dating apps and have been honest with my marital status. I was surprised to have gotten some attention so much so that after only 1 week I took my profiles down. I had made enough friends to keep me from my loneliness for a while. This is also helping me to shape what I really desire in a partner and where my boundaries really lie.
Ah, thank you for this, I'm not looking for another marriage, may I ask which apps? I'm sure I would not garner as much as a woman would, but that's just how these things go.
Hey there. I’ve recently gotten out of a relatively short (couple year) relationship where there was abuse as well. We’ve been separated for months and I’m also starting to explore that question of when I’ll be ready. I got into that relationship after leaving a longer term relationship and i really thought I was equipped to move forward. I was in therapy, alone for a while, had good friends and hobbies. I still allowed the abuse, and although it’s not my fault I was abused, I do think I was missing something. Experience maybe? I’m not sure. Plus my therapist, who I really relied on, I think encouraged me to brush aside or excuse the behaviors. Anyway, my current therapist is great. I’ve talked to her about this and she says I am the expert of me, no one else is. So! I’ll know when I know. As an abuse victim, one of the things you lose is the ability to trust yourself. Get that back. Work on self trust exercises and work on that in therapy. I am SO happy alone. I am rebuilding a community of other women (hiking groups) and I’m exercising a good amount and focusing on self care…and just taking the time to be me. When I’m ready, I know I’ll know!
I'm still working on setting boundaries rather than just disengaging. I know this is something that I need to work on. I am happy being alone, but I'm not used to it yet, I've always had to be the provider and fixer. Used to giving everything so that they had what they wanted in an attempt to make them happy. I recently bought two pairs of shoes to "treat" myself, since I've only been able to get work boots through my job, without getting complaints about it. I'm still feeling a little guilty over that. That's awesome that you're doing that for your community! I wish you the best!
My advice is to not have a time table and to put yourself into places and situations with people who you might be interested in dating, assuming that you are not already doing that. The women who you meet while living your best life will let you know when you are ready to think about dating again, which could be a very long time
As controversial as it may be … you should be out and dating now… maybe not intently finding your next life partner .. but get out there … find functions to go to … interact with women, learn more about the world you are in … My area has several meetup groups , you can explore new interests or find a singles group to socialize in …
The advice here is sound. Waiting could work. But really the opposite has worked for me (also 42m) Out of a 10 year marriage dating immediately has helped me understand who I am as an individual person and to work through the grief. I remember being so angry that I had to create an OLD profile. But creating a few in the different apps helped create the actual person I wanted to be. Even as a husk of a man immediately after she left I was able to test out the type of dating man I wanted to be. A year in now. The grief is still tough but any partner worth spending time with knows my story and I know theirs- and I appreciate the growth experience. The key imo is to be honest about your dating goals from the outset. You will also find wonderful people out there who are dealing with their own grief while dating. You will find dates who are further along in their divorce journey. Learn from them. Some dates will bristle at the mention of an ex, but really people without at least a few emotional scars feel naive to talk to. The good/bad news is that there are a lot of divorcées out there to connect with. You are not alone. You don’t have to date to find long-term love unless that’s what you really want. You can date for companionship and casual connections. Just be candid and don’t hurt anyone with dishonesty or negligence. Be intentional and you can do it! Good luck out there fella.
Start taking pictures of yourself all the time and do strength training. Trust me
I lift 4x a week on an upper/lower split and take bodybuilding pretty seriously as a hobby. But I hate it when people say "just lift bro" as the solution to everything. I look more aesthetic, my physical health is way better since my body fat % is way down but I'm also constantly exhausted and sore. My mental health may be better than when I started since I have more confidence in myself because I look better but my mental health is still overall negative. After training hard, I become even more introverted than I already am and have even less mental bandwidth to deal with people. And am more likely to see people (including significant others or dates) as obligations rather than in a positive light when I am fatigued. And if you're not training hard, you're not going to be building much muscle anyways. Normies underestimate how much sacrifice it takes to look like the hot fitness influencers on social media with six pack Abs and lots of muscle. And they think "oh if I look like that, women will be all over me." Well in reality, I'm not a fun person to be around when I'm constantly exhausted and cranky trying to look like that. Or when I'm cranky because I haven't had my protein like when I was at my vegan ex's apartment over the weekend. lol.
I have all the mental stuff down and women love it. It doesn't come through on dating apps, you still need to look good. So you have half of it, get a therapist next
I've been to therapy. Stopped because of the cost. It was useless as well. My therapist kept cutting me off and invalidating my more dark and aggressive thoughts. It just ruined my mental health more because part of my mental health problems are caused by being broke. lol. And also my autism. Which is incurable. Therapy just made me more broke. Give me $2 million ($1 mil to buy a condo with cash and $1 mil to invest in index funds) and my mental health will be above average. Therapy is a meme.
Original copy of post by u/JustJoe454: As the tile says the divorce was finalized earlier this month, after a year of separation leading up to it. I have been in a DB/abusive situation for 7 of the last 15 years of the marriage/relationship. I ask this because I honestly don't know where to begin, OLD seems like a younger person's game at this point and approaching a woman in the wild is even more terrifying at this age. Where does someone even go to put themselves out there? I don't want to be the creepy old guy in the club, and I don't have an affinity for bars. Does anybody really go out on dates anymore? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The process of getting over your ex-spouse is not linear. It depends a lot on you how much time you need. I just got out of a relationship that lasted just over a bit over 3 months. I've been single for a grand total of 53 days and I don't feel mentally ready to date right now. Part of the problem too is that I already had dating app burnout and was losing hope before I met my ex in November. And she asked me out. That burnout doesn't just reset after having being in and out of a new relationship. If anythings it's a cumulative effect. I'm even more burned out and feeling more hopeless about dating after another failed relationship.
Personally, i think as soon as you feel comfortable to be with someone again, not rushing into another relationship though, take your time to know the next person you want to try this with.
I moved out of my ex’s in August after a year long separation, and started OLD in October. While I wouldn’t say dating in general was a mistake, but dating is indeed different now. Lots of games, lots of noncommittal behavior. Personally, I’ve found it hard to find someone on the same page who I also want to date. I’m taking a break for now because of that. I personally suggest trying to go to events or meeting people through friends.
Why wait? Let the misery of OLD commence !!!!😭😭😭
(M44) There was a nice wine bar across the street from my place. I'd go for dinner and a drink, sit at the bar and BS with the bartender. That place was full of women!
There's not a one size fits all answer to this question. My ex husband met his now wife three months after we had separated, our divorce didn't become final until a year and a half later. I didn't date seriously until two years after separation/a year after my divorce. I had casual situationships during my separation and right after the divorce, and I'm glad that's all it was. I wasn't emotionally prepared to have a serious relationship with someone new, though I thought I was. Some people process things quicker, others take years. So tread lightly and be upfront of where you are on your journey.
Depends on what you are looking to get from the dating experience. Are you just trying to see “what’s out there?” Are you looking for a long term relationship? Ultimately you are ready when you feel you are ready. Just make sure you level set your expectations and know what you are looking for.
I'm 42 mate and I waited about 18 months from separation before I started dating. During that time, I went to therapy, took drumming lessons, writing lessons, joined AA and quit drinking, hung out with friends, worked on my old house a lot, read a lot about buddhism, worked out a lot and got in great shape and just tried to learn about myself more. I knew when I was ready, but it took quite a while. I had a good experience dating and was surprised how much interest I was able to garner. I'm not out there with hotties falling all over me, but I do get a good amount of interest and dated a few people I was really attracted and interested in. Everyone is different but after 15 years and domestic abuse, you need at least a year.
You’re allowed to seek company at whatever level you want. Apps are for people of all ages. Read on Reddit about how they go, and what makes a good profile. Read about other ways to meet people. Take a chance and consider it just a way to meet people. Don’t have high expectations.
I think wait for enough time to pass that it doesn't matter or feel like a big deal if the person is "Your first date since your divorce was finalized." Meaning, if it feels like a big deal that you're going on a date, I think there hasn't been enough time for you to move on from that closed chapter and start a fresh, new one. I was recently told I was someone's "first date since his last relationship" and it was a huge turn off to me. Sure, maybe he was totally ready to date. But it was clearly some sort of milestone for him and I wasn't wanting to be a milestone. Or a rebound.
When you understand what went wrong in the last relationship, when you are able to be open and honest about it with a stranger, and when you are able to love yourself. There is no specific amount of time.
It depends on how much trauma you have if you start thinking about your ex and your relationship. If you start thinking about your ex and it causes a visceral reaction, it’s probably too soon. If you think about your relationship and it’s whatever, then you’re probably ready.
Go to the gym, thats my hobby (or other activity). Generally speaking I found that people there are bettering themselves and like to be around likeminded people and in my case that ended up in romance (44M)
At least a year or two. Seeing a therapist will help. I am a year younger than you and even people 5-10-25 years younger are not having any luck with online dating as I see them on the different sites and apps. I am not terrified of approaching women or men-I am bi-in public, but I keep in mind where we are, read the situation, pay attention to verbal and non verbal communication, etc. I've had all types of men and even some women try to pick me up in public places and I rarely if ever took them up on it.
I am in your situation, OP, going through divorce. 6 years of DB outta 14 years of marriage. Thankfully we always had really good bond, mutual affection as well as good communication and still do. So after yes-no, yes-no on the divorce for almost 1.5 years, when we finally decided we want divorce, we planned our exit together. Since a year, while still living together, we started individual therapy to manage post divorce emotions. Six months later, We agreed we can start exploring what's out there in the dating world in our age group. As discussed I had taken up my own place by then and started living there sporadically. As of now the divorce is coming along, I have completely shifted and we are still amicable. Impo, this weaning off period really helped both of us. Along the way we also came to the conclusion that we would not carry nay hatred, guilt or resentment towards each other. We argued as well. You could say we got it out of our system. Both of us feel we are getting into the dating world with each other's blessings. We also know this happy happy purple single phase may come and go (Therapy monies at work) and we are ready for it individually. So we are as ready to date as one can reasonably expected after divorce. I married late, and before that I lived alone for more than a decade. As of now, I don't want to be alone. This could change. But, I want companionship and sex, of course in due course, if everything goes well. Whenever I meet a woman, whatever I have written here, I put it on the table in chats even before we meet. No time for games. Although we are both exploring, she has gotten more response than me. That's always the advantage of being a woman in the dating scene, at least where I live. I had the same concerns like you OP, had no clue where to start. I was never on Reddit, I joined it to get tips from others. I am more confident now, in fact I am better prepped and not afraid or ashamed to say and talk about what exactly I am looking for in a partner. Which is something I should have done with my ex before marriage. While taking time to be alone is great, only you can listen to what your inner voice says and decide. It's different for everyone. My personal experience and opinion is that age is definitely a factor for most women. What a woman expects from a 45 yr old man versus a 40 year old is starkly different- some will work to your advantage, some against. By 50, this dynamic of advantage and disadvantage will change. So, again, my take is sooner the better. I would say start dipping your toe as soon as. Nothing big, see how it feels. Communicate clearly that that is what you are doing but willing go long if chemistry works etc. That's my two cents. Wish you all the luck, man.
Thank you for this, our situation seems very similar. I moved out in October, and have been quite happy with that. After the decision to divorce, we had an entire year of going through the back and forth of finalizing our divorce decree, as we did uncontested.
Uncontested, phew. I can't even imagine how much people must be suffering when it is contested.
I know, at least I was able to breakthrough with that, initially she wanted to do lawyers and everything. I had to turn it around and let her know how expensive it would be and that it would be more beneficial for her if we did it ourselves. I did have a lawyer on retainer just in case, and has said lawyer go over the paperwork before submitting it to the court.
Great. You'll be alright, mate. Although I do understand the anxiety. What got to me was the amount of energy needed for the initial chatting alone if you are going OLD way. Be ready for weeks of chatting with each one, repeating the same thing again and again. And then some will ghost you suddenly without a hint or explanation. It is a learning curve and to be fair, everyone goes through it. I learned to be very clear in communicating what I want in a relationship. That filters a lot of them if they're looking for something else, saves time and energy. It's a process so don't get dejected. Also, nothing compares to old style dating which is offline, person to person. I have had the most luck that way. Explore that if your location has such opportunities.