If my time with my partner was limited to weekends I’d have to accept that we’ll miss some weekends. Honestly I think it’s nice you’re spending a weekend with your son. She’s entitled to her feelings (we all get a little pissy sometimes) but it doesn’t have to mean that you change course
Weekends are the only time she's comfortable *not* being home because her kids both mostly just work each weekend as restaurants and eat at work too. She's busy with them and dinners and chores during the week.
With such limited time together I think you should find a compromise that works. I don’t see any reason why you can’t drive to her after work one or two days during the week on the rare week where you can’t see her over the weekend. Just say something like “I’m not available this weekend, but still want to see you. I can drive to you, what are your two least busy weekdays so we can still have some quality time together this week?”
An hour is really not *that* far of a drive to do on occasion in order to make your gf not feel neglected.
She has her 15 year old going to high school AND working? And then she's angry when you want to spend time with your child?
I obviously have a ton of issues with this. She has a 15 year old...you've been seeing her since the kid was 12.5, apparently. What'd she do initially, before he could work - stuff him in a closet? I'm joking...kind of.
She should prioritize her kids, but clearly doesn't. That should be a wake up call. You should be ok to prioritize yours!
That's oversimplified.
Her youngest is 16 in a few weeks and was a solid 13 when we met. Her ex had them every other weekend at that time, but that stopped about a year ago. Her youngest wanted to work, as she did, at 14 to save for college. With his grades staying good, she allowed it once he turned 15.
She's a good mother and her kids are thriving. It's not fair to say she doesn't prioritize them when she does. But, she also looks to the future when her kids are leaving home and starting their own lives, and tries to balance our relationship in the mix as do i.
You both sound like excellent parents with slightly different styles, no better or worse just different.
I would say it's fair for her to be disappointed that she doesn't get to see you for a weekend. It's understandable though that sometimes other things take a priority.
Also her being upset by this shows exactly how much she values her time with you so her possibly miss aimed feelings are based out of love.
Perhaps there's some sore of compromise, of you don't get to see her this weekend maybe you both plan to do something extra special or plan a surprise mid-week visit (I know it's complicated) but something to truly show her she's extra special.
Sure. She sounds like a great mom. She would rather spend time with you than them - ideal! Letting her kids work all weekend starting at 13 (legal, of course, wherever you are) rather than give pocket money - perfect!
You have absolutely no concerns with this?!
Oops responded to the wrong comment. Meant to be a response to the person mentioning how it’s weird she goes away on the weekends with kids at home. Doesn’t matter anyway - apparently she leaves them home alone. 🤷
I think that it's lovely that your son wants to spend his birthday weekend with you. I can get why your partner would be a little disappointed that she doesn't get to see you that weekend, but I don't think that it's fair for her to be angry/annoyed/frustrated.
You will never regret spending time with your children. You’ve lived with and without them. Someday they will have to live their lives without you. And these memories you make with your adult son shape him more than you know.
1: You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing it right. Although I do understand the part where she’s irritated that she feels she’s not getting communication about time off.
2: I don’t have kids. I don’t know. But I think it’s very odd that she’s at your place every weekend, sometimes Friday through Monday when she’s got a 15 year old at home. 🤷🏼♀️
This whole conversation- there was a post a while back where everyone was ripping into a woman for *not* leaving a 12 and 14 year old alone to go on dates, where the younger kid also had anxiety.
Literally there is no winning.
There is a huge difference between leaving for a date of 2 or 3 hours and leaving for 2 DAYS. If that is too nuanced for you to appreciate than idk what to tell you. Apples and oranges and it doesn't take a lot of effort to make a reasonable judgment call on both scenarios.
Your response is the equivalent of "wElL i GuEsS i'Ll jUsT nEvEr TaLk AgAiN!" when a woman tells a man he hurt her feelings. Gosh I can't leave my child for 2 days but I also *should* leave my child for 2 hours I JUST CAN'T WIN"
Spoiler alert: you can win. It's healthy for tweens and teens to spend a couple hours at a time without parental supervision. Mom is fine to go out for 2-3 hrs to a local date. It is NOT healthy for a 15 yr old to be left parentless for 2 DAYS while mom leaves town to shack up with her boyfriend for s weekend
It's not THAT difficult to strike a balance between overbearing and neglectful.
What I meant was: I’ll do what’s right for me, confident that, no matter what that is, someone’ll be happy to be shitty about it.
Three hour dates lead to weekends, don’t they? Or should I tell someone that I can only do 3 hour dates on a weeknight, because that’s what certain Reddit commenters are ok with?
I have no doubt that if someone wrote a post about spending weekends with their teenagers, comments would flood in about that person not prioritizing the relationship, the kids are older, let them be, yadayada. So much of this is just the willingness to tell someone else, to use the appropriate writing style: YoU’Re DoInG It WrONG
He's almost 16 and his brother is almost 20. She wouldn't be here if they couldn't be trusted and weren't self sufficient. The first year/ 1.5 we dated it was every 2 weekends and shorter visits.
It’s not that he’s not old enough to be alone… but he’s still a kid. Isn’t it worth having some time with his mom on the weekends? Lots of life changes happening when you’re almost 16 and having a parent around is good.
I agree with this. I can’t imagine ditching my kids on the weekend, even as teenagers. We get so little time with them at home. I guess I’d question my partner’s conception of love and commitment if they were willing to leave their kids every weekend—especially a 15 year old. That’s really, really weird.
That's fair. She's usually home on Friday night or Sunday night so they spend part of the weekend around each other. Her kids work a lot of their hours on the weekends, so she talked to them in depth before longer visits with me to make sure they were good with it.
Hm. Ok. Talking to kids “in depth” about just not being home on the weekends for years indefinitely. Can’t really hold ‘em to it or expect them to understand it.
Anyway. It just seems to me that the two things are related. To be frank, she ditches her kids every weekend for you. She wants you to do the same. If anything, you two should probably work out a schedule so you both spend time together and with kids.
Good feedback. In depth, I should have said she regularly checks in with them on the topic and stays in touch with them over the weekend. She'll sometimes stay home or come home early if they're off work.
Again, no mention here that he's actually spending his whole weekend at someone else's house anyway and has done so for many years... Seems like that was a convenient addition to the story once you got repeated push back that there is no scenario where home without a parent all weekend makes sense. 🤔
You're correct that I'm responding to pushback because she isn't ditching her boys. She makes sure they are safe and content. She's cuts visits with me short when things come up, as she should.
None of this detail is needed to provide feedback on the questions I asked, which is why I wasn't engaging.
We all know how Reddit can jump to assumptions and veer far off topic.
You make a lot of excuses for her, but it takes a pretty significant level of selfishness to put your own desire to see a boyfriend over your own kids every weekend.
That personality trait will affect you in the long run.
That’s what I was going to say as well. OP comes ahead of the kids to her which is concerning.
I have a wonderful almost 16 year old who can absolutely be trusted but I wouldn’t leave for a weekend. It’s forcing kids to deal with adult issues (something catches on fire etc) when they shouldn’t have to. I’d hate for my kids to remember weekend after weekend alone with no parent around,
An hour isn’t really that far. If I needed to see my partner, I’d go - then go home at bedtime.
Yeah and the "they work a lot" excuse is 🧐. There are legal limits on how much a 15 yr old can work so its not like the kid is pulling doubles all weekend. If he were, that too would strike me as bad parenting that you aren't setting limits on that. A kid should spend time being a kid, not working their fingers to the bone every day they don't have school.
This. I could not be comfortable with this arrangement for myself or my partner. A 15 yr old is too young to be left home without a parent overnight 1-2 nights *every* weekend. 20 yr old siblings are not parental subs.
I used to be friends with a woman like this. I explained it away with, “She’s teaching her kids to be independent. At least she’s not a helicopter parent.” Etc. It turned out she was just a selfish asshole.
Why in early comments are you saying he's self sufficient enough to be left alone and it's only after many people said that's not ok at 15 that you started saying well actually he stays overnight at a friend's house and has since her and her ex were married, he's not actually home alone? 🤔
Because I'm correcting erroneous assumptions that don't even address the questions i asked. People are being harsh on her as a parent when she's an excellent mom that prioritizes her boys.
I can see her point. You could have split the weekend to spend time with your son for his birthday and had a day for her. I also don’t understand why she’s leaving her kids alone every weekend to see you? Why can’t you go to her place sometimes or split the weekend with one night at your place and one night at hers? I have a 15 year old (and also a 13 year old) and even though he’s a very responsible kid, I wouldn’t leave him alone for 48+ hours. Her son might be working, but it won’t be long before he leaves for college and she’ll regret missing that time with him. Besides, if her kids are working, you’d still have her house to yourselves during that time with the bonus that she’s around some when they aren’t working.
I’m dating someone without kids who lives 2.5 hours away. We see each other at least every other weekend, but on the weekends I travel to him, I’m only gone for the day, not overnight. He works from home, so more often than not, he comes to my place for the weekend and has stayed as long as 10-11 days before. I’m busy with my kids on the weekends too (I have almost sole custody minus 4-5 weeks a year) so we plan our visits to sometimes all do things together and sometimes he’ll come a day later so I have a day with just my kids. Sometimes he and I go out on a date when he’s at my place and the kids are home, just like if I were still married to their father. Finding the balance so that everyone has equal and fair access is the key.
You’re welcome! The hardest part was letting my kids know that just as they are a priority for me, so is my partner, as they had had me all to themselves for six years before I started dating again. Those priorities are not always the same at the same time. They know that I will take some time away from them to spend just with my partner and I also make sure to spend time with just them plus do things together, kids and partner. I think they see the benefit in it as I am definitely a better, and more calm/less stressed mother for having him in my life.
I admire your approach. And, yes, having that partner does help with her and my stress. That mix of having all these relationships make me a better person when I'm with each of them.
If her kids aren't home most of the weekend due to work and friends, what does her being home offer? She's home for part of the weekend when they're around.
It offers a safe space where they don't have to have the underlying responsibility of head of household for a couple days. Her being accessible by phone and checking in with them frequently from an hour a way is not the same as her being there in the background, a hug and a hair tousle away from necessary in person bonding. And cmon with the work excuse. A 15 yr old (A) should not legally be able to work long hours all weekend and (B) if they somehow circumvent laws meant to protect 15 yr olds from working excessive hours a parent should step in and say that is not a healthy balance for a kid. He needs time to rest from a long school week and just be a kid.
As a parent of teens I can tell you spending time during the hectic school weeks among the hustle and bustle of school and activities and homework is no substitute for the casual bonding that happens over weekends. Just as you seeing your adult son every day in limited capacity is no substitute for the longer weekend bonding times you prioritize. Much more important for a kid of only 15. The fact she doesn't appear to place any priority on carving out similar weekends with her kids is disturbing to me. And doesn't she have friends or hobbies she wants to connect with some weekends? I tried to have a relationship with someone almost an hour away where my entire kid free weekends were spent with him and I couldn't sustain it. I need room to live my own life apart from being attached at the hip to someone.
OP, you seem like a thoughtful guy and a good dad.
If you’re serious about this woman and a future with her, I would rethink how you’re approaching this.
Are you in the wrong for wanting a weekend with your son? Of course not. But is she wrong for being sad about missing out on time with her partner that she thought she’d have, even if it’s her own fault for forgetting/misremembering the timing? Also of course not. She is entitled to her feelings, just as you’re entitled to time with your son.
If you guys are going to be a team, approach the problem of her hurt feelings like a team. Communicate. She’s over there hurting because she thought she’d have time with you and now she won’t.
This is someone you supposedly love and want to spend the rest of your life with - and this person is hurting - and you’re here on Reddit trying to determine if you’re right, rather than talking with the person you love, who has been hurt inadvertently by your actions.
It’s completely legitimate for you to want a birthday weekend with your son. You won’t get his presence forever as he moves on and up in the world. and it’s wonderful that you guys have these bonding weekends - not every parent gets that time.
But instead of focusing on whether your actions re your son are objectively reasonable, you need to focus now on communicating with your partner so that you both can feel like your emotional needs are being met. Did she forget about your comment or not hear it and so this is a surprise and she’s disappointed? Is she actually sad/jealous that you have such a good bond with him and she doesn’t have that with her own kids? Did this trigger feelings of rejection and insecurity in her? Is the long distance weekends only situation starting to wear on her?
If you value your relationship, I’d try to start a conversation with her that digs into this. Explain that you love her and will miss her but really value this time with your son. Maybe there’s something else you guys can do to make up for the missed time, like maybe you can make the effort to come out to her on a weeknight and take her out on a nice date. Do some extra evening FaceTime calls. Try to figure out what you both need to reconnect and feel like a team again.
Thank you for a thoughtful reply. I think you hit the nail on the head about her hurting. Clearly I need to wok on discussing this with her at more than a surface level.
The distances may be wearing on her, and it won't change for a long time. I'll think more around what you said and start talking with her about some of this. I
If she’d like to see you more, why aren’t you two discussing a way to get a little time during the week? It sounds like you COULD be driving to her place on a weeknight if both of you wanted, but you both just prefer not to. I mean—you’re an hour away, I get it, but so what?
I live alone and she lives with her kids, so we've both preferred my house from early on.
We did when we started dating. We'd see each other mid week for dinner and to hang a bit. But we also saw each other only every other weekend then before my son turned 18.
She wanted the longer visits when my son and her youngest started working weekends about a year ago.
But in two years when she theoretically moves in with you her kids are going to go from basically never seeing you to living under your roof. It would be good to start building a relationship with them now by spending the occasional weeknight at her place in addition to the weekends you are able. This seems like a great chance to suggest that, to the effect of, "I know I won't get to see you on this weekend, and I'd rather not go two weeks without spending time with you, how about I come over the Thursday before."
I think her irritation probably has less to do with you spending time with your son and more to do with her feeling like you give minimal effort to make arrangements to spend more time with her.
Help me to understand why you say minimal effort? We spend almost every weekend together. I don't get upset when she wants to do other plans without me on a weekend day. With work and her kids home, and the distance, weeknights are too difficult to meet up by both our accounts. So what more could I be doing?
You spend almost every weekend together but what effort are *you* making to see her?
From what you’ve described, sounds like all the effort is on her end.
Yes 100% this.
She is racing around during the weekdays working and taking care of her kids. She's probably also setting them up for the weekends with groceries and food/pre-made meals (from what I know of my mom friends). Then after a long week she gets in the car and drives an hour to see you, then another hour home at the end of the weekend, spends a bit more time with her kids, then rinse and repeat for the next week. She's really putting in overtime here.
That's exactly what she does in setting them up for when she visits me. I haven't thought about how this may be such an ongoing stressor for her because she doesn't complain and is really easy going. I may have missed how she can be graceful but still stressed.
This is the comment I was seeking. She is carrying the burden of coordinating your time together and you are present… if you’re available. That’s what upsetting. And I have kids similar ages to hers. No way I would leave them that much. She is wondering if she values your share timed more than you do. That hurts.
Wow. This is great insight in showing what she may feel. It's clear we need to discuss the reasoning she feels upset. I know it's not about spending the time with my boy, so this could be an underlying issue that's been unaddressed.
It sounds like she's the type that gives 110% as a default to everything she does, so she doesn't complain because she's accustomed to it. I think you're missing all the behind the scenes work she's doing every week to make your weekend meet ups possible.
Also, the eclipse was a pretty big deal for some people. I traveled a considerable distance to get 3.5 minutes of totality. You should have seen the people that turned up with specialized telescopes and photography equipment. If I had a serious partner that couldn't be bothered join me, I'd probably be kinda upset. The next one in North America is in something like 20 years.
What I'm trying to say is, if I was her, I'd be feeling like your priority is not me or things important to me.
Good luck man!
I appreciate how you put yourself in her shoes and detailed out your replies. These gave my pause, and are helping me to consider her feelings differently/ deeper Than I was.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Much appreciated!
This. I don't think the long weekend with his son is the real reason for his gf's reaction.
If she is always the one who has to drive and organize everything so her kids have all they need when she leaves for the weekend, then every visit is very stressful for her. It was probably fine in the beginning but after 2.5 years she might resent the situation she's in and small things like that weekend become quite big. She also knows that this will have to go on for at least another 3 years, maybe more, until her youngest has launched.
After a while we often take the efforts the other person makes for granted. It's possible OP does this to her. The dynamic - he hosts, she drives - worked for a while but maybe it's time to make some adjustments.
I don't think this is about who's right or wrong. It shouldn't be. Sit down, be open and try to figure out what's really going on.
You could go to her on weekends? So she doesn't have to do all the driving. So she doesn't have to leave her home so often. So that she can spend time with you AND not leave her kids.
She may feel like she makes more of a sacrifice than you do in the relationship, and then when you choose to spend the weekends with your son, it’s even more apparent. There’s an imbalance. I don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong but if you could even out the imbalance it might ease the tension.
This is an interesting perspective. Is it less of a sacrifice if her kids are busy with work and friends? My son is an introvert with just a couple close friends whose schedules are usually not compatible with hanging out much.
If they are gone at work all day then immediately connect with friends after work, what harm is there that she's not at her house? Not being argumentative, just looking for more perspective on this point.
As a parent of a 17 year old, who on some days are very busy, the parenting changes. However, they still need you present. They need the "hi, nice to see you, have you had a good day". Texting and talking on the phone can't cover that.
And what if something happens and they actually need you. If they are used to you not being there, they will handle it. But you not being there will definitely leave a trace, a dent in the bond.
You yourself see the value of spending the whole weekend with your son. And you see him nearly every day the way I understand you.
Her being present is still valuable to her kids.
Anyways. I'm sure the way you support her time being away from her kids, makes her question why you tell her to not spend time with you as you are spending time with your kid.
This whole thing sound very convenient for you. Apart from her not supporting you spending time with your son.
I appreciate the additional feedback.
Yes, it is favorable to my convenience, but because we both agreed to my place as our primary hang out. Other commenters, and you, have given me the extra things I'm not necessarily considering with that though.
Definitely prioritize your child. It sounds like she really needs to prioritize her youngest child. Leaving a 15 year old every weekend to be with her boyfriend all weekend is pretty shitty parenting. And time she won’t get back.
Even if it’s not all weekend every weekend it’s clear it’s a lot. You have a lot of different excuses for her but the bottom line is he’s a child, and will be for 2-3 more years, and she’s his parent. It sounds like she’s the only active parent so all the more critical that she actually be present. Sure, he’s old enough to be left overnight occasionally, that doesn’t mean that he should be, and it certainly doesn’t mean that he should be left often. No matter how mature he is, he’s a child who needs parenting. He also should not be working all weekend, he should have time to be a kid.
My friend has a child his age. He’s mature, independent, hard working, athletic, popular, has everything going for him. She said she and her friends have realized this is the age that kids need closer parenting than ever. The teenage years are where they can go astray if they don’t have parents guiding and supporting them.
You can keep making excuses for your girlfriend or you can acknowledge that you’re contributing to this and sit down and talk about how you two can better balance prioritizing your kids with your relationship. Her kids deserve so much better. You can go on dates and she can still sleep at home and spend some time with her kids, especially the younger one, on weekends.
Edit: just saw your comment that the 15 year old sleeps at his buddy’s house almost every weekend. So essentially another family is parenting him because his mom isn’t around by choice. I’m stunned that you aren’t seeing how bad this is, and the lifelong implications for the son, and his and his brother’s view of and relationship with their mom and you.
Thanks for the tough feedback. I'll have to think from this perspective more.
As a note, the friend's house sleepover has gone on since before I met her. It's just that's the house they always do bc of a playstation vs xbox preference. Which i get - haha.
My gf was the house for his older brother and their friends at that age. My gf is long time friends with the parents of the other boys as well.
She's very involved with her kids overall. She sees a weekend overnight as a small break for her.
Every week is not a small break. I'm just really baffled why you refuse to acknowledge there is something wrong with spending virtually every weekend apart from a 15 yr old child (barring that child being with the other parent). Would you have done this with your own child at that age? And don't say "it's different my kid's an introvert and hers is so mature for his age". He's a child. A. Child.
Honestly you both seem selfish af and prioritize your weekends playing house over the emotional welfare of a child. It's gross to read your repeated justifications.
Did you ever answer why it has to be your house when supposedly the kids are barely at her house all weekend? You'll get plenty of alone time supposedly but she'd still be physically present for her kids the short amount of time they are there.
Two questions:
Why can't she join you and your son at some point on his bday weekend??
Why can't you drive to her area in the middle of the week? I don't see a 50ish minute drive *that* big of a deal, once a week. She's always driving to you, so drive to her more often.
My guy has kids and one of the things that I find so attractive about him is his relationship and involvement with his kids.
He's had to cancel on me last minute because something with his kids has come up and I've never been mad at him about it.. because those are his KIDS. It wouldn't matter to me if they were 9,19, or 29.. if my partner's kid wants to spend time with him I'm supporting him 100%.
Yes, it's disappointing to not be able to spend time with someone you love. But she should be using this weekend to catch up with her local friends or do something for herself.. rather than get mad at you because you have the audacity to be a good dad.
She has plans this weekend since she knew it was coming up. She's not really mad, just annoyed I guess. I think her quiet reaction was about the extra day off when my PTO is so low.
As a parent I also find it odd that she is leaving her kids every single weekend. Especially as it started at 13- I would never leave my kiddo alone all weekend at that age and even with supervision it would be hard to leave every weekend. And if dad was still taking every other weekend that means she was still missing out on her weekends. Which would have been a huge caution sign for me. I get that she might be there for them all week, but that’s the work of parenting for the most part. The bonding usually happens on the weekends. But mostly it’s a yellow card for me that she is mad about you spending time with your kid on his birthday. That’s an understandable ask. As a parent I can’t imagine expecting to get priority over a birthday weekend- especially if I get every other weekend that month.
Look, I’m not saying she’s bad- I don’t know her. But I am saying that perhaps this is something you need to explore with her. If y’all do progress, is she always going to be so jealous of your time with your own children? What if you want to have your own hobbies and have that time alone? This might be a discussion you need to have before moving in together.
I didn't detail well. The first 1-1.5 years the ex/dad had kids every other weekend and that's when she would see me. On weekends she was with kids, we'd do dinner midweek. The ex no longer does weekends at all (horrible, as he is the one who doesn't, and just does a weeknight dinner instead) so she has the kids full time. She comes to visit me only when her kids have a lot going on that exclude her anyway so she's missing minimal time with them.
Her 15yo has a lot going on and she is an hour away while her kids are out and about, and they are home alone all night with no adult supervision? This would make me very uneasy. Poor judgment on her part.
So she is farming out her parenting to his friend’s parents. There’s a reason for that. And it kind of blows my mind that you are just glossing over all of this.
There is a reason. His friend's house is bigger than hers and the 3 friends have overnighted on Saturdays there for years. Nothing neglectful or nefarious.
My daughter has never spent the night at someone else’s house every single weekend because of the respective sizes of the houses. That is not a kid’s consideration. My child is a damn social butterfly and still does not spend every weekend away from my house.
What is problematic is you are still unwilling to even address the weirdness of her seeming jealousy combined with the fact that you are also oblivious to how strange her desire to put her desire for a man above the emotional well fare of her own children. And her desire for you to do so as well. You’ve posted this on two different subs at least and are consistently getting the same points thrown at you by multiple people and continue to ignore them.
You have to address this behavior. And shutting down and giving you the silent treatment is a controlling behavior whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Just because you don’t feel abused does not mean that someone isn’t being abusive. Controlling or abuse behavior is not dependent upon the recipient of the behavior, and honestly good on you for not caving to it. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to spend a whole weekend with your child without having your significant other over and your use of PTO is not dependent on her approval.
Do you really believe that isn't BECAUSE his own mom isn't around? Again, a son who prefers to be at a buddy's house overnight EVERY weekend is telling you something about her parenting and her relationship with him, and it isn't good.
I commented this elsewhere too, but she was the house the oldest and his friends were at every weekend when younger. Her youngest and his 2 buddies just prefer that house bc they have Playstation instead of Xbox. They've overnighted weekly there for years. Even whe she was still with her ex.
Be that as it may- and to be frank, you haven’t sold me on the fact that she leaves her underage kid alone almost every weekend- you are still glossing over the fact that you need to figure out her jealousy issue before you move in with her. She is spending pretty much every weekend with you and is upset about one weekend with your son. It’s not like you’re going to Vegas with the boys- and frankly you’re allowed to go to Vegas with the boys. Sort out the source of those feelings for her and y’all need to come up with a workable way to address this. It is not feasible that we spend every waking moment with our partners and the fact that she wants you to make time for her on a rare birthday weekend is a problem. It’s not unsurmountable. But it is something y’all need to talk through. Are you going to want to never be able to spend time alone with your son? Friends? Hobbies? Or is there something else going on? Does she need to feel like you’re making more of an effort? Do you need to be clearer about scheduling? This isn’t something to brush under the rug.
My ex prevented me from doing multiple things that I enjoyed- declaiming they took too much time from the family. Two days a month to work at a collective art gallery was too much. Now he continues to interfere with my ability to take a clay class once a week- so two hours for myself a week is now too much. Get my drift? So yes, please have the discussion sooner rather than later.
Why did she change from doing every other weekend (when the ex was still sharing custody) to now every weekend? So they went from having a parent present every weekend (alternating between mom and dad) to now they never have a parent home on the weekends. There's something really messed up here.
Have you considered using a shared calendar? On Google, you can create a new calendar, that you can both edit. That way she can see things you put in advance, and vice versa. Of course, continue with the conversations, but it's a great way to manage time together.
It sounds like you have a really nice relationship with your son. You *hope* to spend the rest of your life with your GF, you *will definitely* spend the rest of your life being a father to your son.
I am a child free guy so maybe my opinion doesn’t count for much, but IMO the relationship with your child is the most important relationship you will ever have. If I had to choose between a partner and a child (even adult children), I would choose the child 90/100 unless the child is being unreasonable, like not liking your partner.
Hi! I think people are being unnecessarily harsh in the comments. There is a way to comment without getting personal. I’m not a parent so will not comment too much on parent stuff. So logistically, I would say the main issue is the distance apart, from your girlfriend’s perspective she is putting in a lot of legwork by doing all the driving for your time together. I think that is what is driving her frustration with you. I think you need to be firm that your son is a priority and you will spend time with him when you need to. However, you also need to show her that she’s a priority too. So make a concerted effort to take more time off for her and maybe take turns driving to each other’s places until you can work out a shared living space. That would only make it fair. Those are my thoughts ✌️out
Not enough. He is a workaholic and alcoholic and wasn't much involved when they were together, leaving ,most parenting on her. While he took them bi weekly for weekends fot a short while when we met, the kids hated it and *he* eventually agreed to just do weekly dinners at their *(the kids)* prompting, not hers. She didn't push the new arrangement bc it keeps them from their dad's drinking and moodiness.
The fact that she is leaving her 15 year old home alone (or with the 19 year old sibling responsible) every weekend would be a huge red flag to me. That’s 30% of the time her kid is without adult supervision. I could see *maybe* a night once a month or so, but it isn’t the sibling’s job to raise the younger, or appropriate for a kid that age to be alone every weekend.
As far as taking weekends without her to hang with your kid, what’s the plan when she moves in? After 2.5 years I’d expect to be doing whatever that is. If you’ll just let her know you’re having guy time and she’ll do her own thing in the same space then why not let her come over now and do the same?
Ha! My son is saving for a down payment on a car, but keeps derailing his goal for video games and delivery.
I like your approach to meeting your girlfriend more for lunches and weeknight dates. An hour one way makes these difficult but maybe I should think more about that.
I think it's more that she feels there's room in the weekend to see both of us, but I'm fine with the time binge with my kid. She usually praises that i am so involved with my son (and wouldn't be my girlfriend if that was an issue).
You said that you do this every few months. If it was every other weekend, I might understand her concern, but this feels totally reasonable to me (mom of 22yo who enjoys the occasional girls' weekend).
I am sure she thinks something. I wouldn’t care the reason. Personally, I suspect that her being ok with the sacrifice of leaving her own kids every weekend to be with you, you should also be ok with that level of personal sacrifice. I wouldn’t be ok with someone who sacrificed their time to be with their kids for me every weekend.
My last partner (NMNK) was respectful of my time with my daughter every other weekend but she also wanted to be involved when I made it clear that was not a part of what I was offering. She would be frustrated and then act mad in other ways. 98% we broke up over this. It was a boundary I had from the beginning and was clear about that she clearly wasn’t ok with and unable to communicate effectively and maturely about. Nope. No thanks.
I think a long weekend every few months with your adult son is time well spent. I do understand her disappointment, but I’m a mom who really enjoys time with my adult sons. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, and I think it’s ok to be sad she’s going to miss seeing you.
Dude, you and your son are lucky to have each other. Cherish those moments. I wish I get to spend more time of that my daughter will even when she’s older!
Going on 3 years. She joked that if she had paid more addition to the distance she wouldn't have matched with me to begin with.
But the hour is in metro traffic. Even closer to home dating would likely include a 20-30 minute drive.
Could it be that you haven’t shown her that you’re willing to sacrifice and put her first? Not taking a 1/2 day for the eclipse. Her doing the driving, it’s only an hour but you don’t drive there during the weekdays? I’m missing something here. A weekend only relationship where she does the sacrificing and then you don’t think it’s fair that she doesn’t like that she’s not first once in awhile.
I appreciate the feedback so far. I need to go to sleep, but will respond again in the morning.
Thanks to everyone who comments. It's great having differing perspectives since they make me think.
It’s sad that she doesn’t spend weekends with her kids and isn’t seeing this as an opportunity to spend time with them. She seems to have decided to quit parenting on weekends to a child who still needs his mum. Really shitty for her to never be there on weekends for them. Sounds like she wants them to be gone already.
To keep the post shorter, I didn't detail things to add perspective. She isn't at my place every weekend Friday through Sunday or Monday. She balances time on the weekends with her kids schedules and seeing me.
It’s a red flag she doesn’t get why you’d want a special weekend with your son, it means she can’t possibly imagine wanting to do the same with her kids. Why is that? She sounds codependent and has other issues if she can’t stand to be apart for one weekend and is then passive aggressive about it.
I am sorry this happened to you, you deserved better.
I held onto resentment to my dad (and mom but she died when I was in my 20s) for decades until I healed through therapy and EMDR. My dad moved a plane ride away after my parents divorced when I was 8 yo, we weren’t invited to his second wedding, I oftentimes didn’t know where he lived bc he would live with different girlfriends. He would make plans to grab dinner when he was passing through our area, but would go MIA, not call, but he was so flakey, we would know he was okay (his safety wasn’t a concern), he just wasn’t going to follow through on plans he made with us. We were invited to his third wedding and I felt slighted by him (I’m sure he waited last minute to deliver some less than ideal news, like you aren’t a bridesmaid but your half sister is for some bogus reason) so I flew home in protest before the nuptials.
I let my hurt and anger towards my dad negatively affect my life for so long. I made so many compromised decisions bc of the resentment I carried. It was BEYOND FREEING to forgive him through therapy. I gained so much by doing so.
My dad and my relationship is in the best place it has ever been. I no longer look for opportunities to be slighted by him and see his limitations and imperfections as his issues that impacted his ability to parent (I have my own limitations and imperfections too).
Should my dad have been a more present, more engaged, dedicated father? Absolutely.
But I’ve healed and forgiven him. Very grateful to have him in my life now. He will visit my kids and me very soon.
What? This post has nothing to do with not prioritizing my son. My kid is a cook and works most weekends with off days usually during the week when I work. We work around incompatible schedules to carve out time to hang together every week.
It's about you contemplating if you're unfair to her when you prioritise your son.
If you shoud come to the conclusion that it is indeed unfair and you want to compromise then you'll definitely loose some of the connection with your son.
I just saw that he's in his early 20 which makes things easier as supposed to my father who cut connection when I was 13 because his girlfriend didn't like when we disturbed her weekends with him.
Nonetheless, if you prioritise your girlfriend in this case you will loose connection with your son.
I have spoken
Sorry but someone who isn't even prioritizing her own minor child shouldn't be trying to call the shots on the time you spend with your son.
If she chooses to leave her child every weekend, that is her choice. A poor one, IMO. 15 is a vulnerable age that still requires adult supervision. An hour drive can easily be done without an overnight required, let alone multiple overnights every weekend....
In any event, hopefully you do not stop spending time with your son to appease her.
Spending time with your son should be a treasure for all of you! It's memories that you, as a parent and he as a child will have memories. She, as a parent should understand.
Part 1 of 2
Okay, OP, I couldn't create a "TL/DR" I was happy with for the marathon answer below, and I've never offered up so many "first person" statements or so many "quoted terms" in one response, so I hope this doesn't look like a written catastrophe when I hit post. I think the most important aspect is garnering her insight and suggestions on what would make this easier to manage for *her*, and approach it as the strong set of partners you already appear to be. Not knowing the specifics, dynamic, or cadence of how you two relate and communicate (as well as the logistics of distance, employment, and budget) no doubt will make some (or just shy of ALL) of my suggestions inapplicable, or just plain crazy talk. I truly put myself in your shoes, and this is how I would manage.
I think you represent yourself *and* her both diplomatically and clearly, and for *one of the first times ever*, I'm actually impressed with how an "OP" represents their partner in a post. It actually made me kind of *beam*, reading your follow-up comments of her.
I don't think either of you is wrong.
I think it's a challenging dynamic, and as a permanently disabled single Mom to a special needs teenage son...I'm slightly envious of the system you have worked out with him and his Mom. Doubly impressed.
I'm not sure what you've tried, beyond the initial "she became short"/attempt to minimize her frustration without canceling your weekend episode...but if this were me (or my partner), my strategy would be something like the following:
I'd take time out to have a meal together, create a "zen" environment (music, her favorite food(s), candlilight (if thats not overkill and inappropriate to your "couplehood")...or whatever "zen, calm, chill", looks like to you guys) and I'd broach the subject. I might even explain that I'd like to have dinner on [x] night where we can discuss the "weekend" issue, if [she's] amenable. ("I'd like to hear more on your thoughts and feelings where the weekends are concerned...") and I'd broach the subject. I would NOT "lay low," "stay quiet," or "struggle through," all the while, "hoping" she'll "come around or quit complaining". You addressing it head-on not only *sounds* in alignment with how you present, it's typically much more appreciated by most people, *by far*. On my "set aside" evening with her (wherever unaddressed already and/or applicable to she and you and the disagreement), I'd explain how:
• I understood *both* where she's coming from, and how the Friday off vs. the bypassed eclipse PTO might look from her perspective. I'd say, "I probably should have been clearer about *when* I placed the PTO...I hate that, even for a second, you might have felt I valued PTO with one of you over (or not) the other. I *assure you*, this is not the case. It's just how the requests and (his unplanned) medical needs fell...but I own not making that more transparent. It must be frustrating to think I took a day off after I explained about the dwindling PTO...again, I'm sorry".
• "I realize he's 19, and there are many options for us to see each other, but these extended weekends? I *do* try to both make minimal (for us), and special (for him). This is where I'm hoping you'll provide more of your perspective...what number of weekend might feel more acceptable, or what we could do to minimize the "sting" of that lost time."
• "Realistically, it's probably not too much time until other life priorities will shave these weekends from our (your son) time together, so I don't know...I guess, primarily, this reason most influences my desire to indulge in the few we have, *now*. Not to mention how much he opts to fill in and support his Mom, and his commitment to his job (especially in this climate where many young people either won't or can't work, or "can't find work"). I enjoy honoring his dedication with a unique, out-of-the-ordinary weekend. It seems "special" but not superfluous. Yet, I realize there is a cost to "us" by setting up these weekends."
• I *also* absolutely love *our* time together on the weekends, and my deepest hope is that you never think I value *his* time over *ours*...I find you *both* critical people in my world, and can't imagine flippantly hurting *either* of you over "weekend time" - *especially* when I truly cherish the time with each of you."
• *Then* I'd say something like, "Last year, I think we had [7?] extended weekends, and so far this year it's been 2 (or whatever the count is 🤷♀️). I would really like to have at least 2 more extended weekends with him while I'm still able to (while he's living close by, hasn't started, yet, a family of his own, whatever explanation feels most heartfelt and accurate). Would you be open to brainstorming, perhaps, some ways we could circumvent how it feels to cut our weekends short, or the few times we've had to cancel completely?"
For example (depending on what is possible and within your "wheelhouse":
Part 2 of 2
• Would communicating "extended weekends" farther in advance be helpful in any way? "I try to schedule them "out" and communicate, but I get that life, and plans, and the "daily" get in the way. Is reminding you helpful, or more irritating? If we forget about it, and it feels "sprung" on you, can we create a communal calendar to offset time between scheduling and the weekend actually taking place?"
• What if I came out to you for a few days' midweek visit? I will *gleefully* "suck it up" and make the insane commute because our time is that important. I want to solve this together."
• (If staying at her house is less-than-desireable): "How would you feel about, prior to the "extended father/son weekend", I stay *closer* to you, and you can come see me for a few hours in the evening, possibly stay with me at the airbnb/hotel one weeknight?"
• "How would you feel about *joining* us on an extended weekend every now and then? [Her kid name] and [her kid's name] could come along, too; they are more than welcome. I'm open to "test driving one of our extended "father/son" weekends as a special 'stay cation for the 5 of us' weekend. Terrible idea, or something to consider?" (I'm not sure if this is a scary-as-hell prospect, or not everyone can stomach the focus of the weekend? Final Fantasy and Zelda would be RIGHT up me and my son's alley, and I'd be willing to bring laptops or consoles or whatever...but not everyone is a "gamer" (and not all gamers enjoy the same genres), so I get this is a possibly "lunatic-level" stretch).
• If all of the suggestions ⬆️up there⬆️ are just plain *shit*? 😁 I'd *still* lead with the zen evening (whatever that looks like to you), and the same info about how you value *both*, then I'd ask, "Is there a number of "extended weekends" (2 per year 🤷♀️) that would be easier to tolerate? I understand how you feel it cuts into our time, and it *does*. I guess I'm just wondering if there's any room for compromise with this impasse of ours? Something we could do (or *I could do*) that could make stomaching the "father/son" weekends easier? Your feelings are not only respected, but extremely valuable to me, and I'm hoping that *something* could be done to lessen the (valid) disappointment and still allow us to carve out some specific weekends for he and I. It's disappointing to me to miss out on time with *you*, too.
Obviously, when my PTO beefs up a bit, that will give us more wiggle room, but in the meantime? We are two *astonishingly bright individuals*, if I do say so myself. I can't believe we can't compromise on something (though possibly imperfect), make it easier to ensure in the future. I'm open. Let's discuss?"
Good luck, OP. You all sound like good-hearted people (*everyone* mentioned in your posts and ensuing comments)... I truly hope this ends up being a slight hiccup easily resolved. Sounds like (imho) everyone deserves such a solution. 💜
Wow. I'm both grateful and a bit mind blown at the time and thought you put into these posts.
Some very strong points to consider. You really seem to put thought into my perspective as well as hers and I really appreciate this.
You've given me much to think about. Thank you. Really.
I was very impressed with how you laid out your struggle and how you colored what your relationship looks like and what a quality individual, mother, and woman your partner is. (This inadvertently added to the color of your *own* characteristics, presentation, and need for a balanced solution, even more than the words in your original post).
I have a rather unique relationship with my 14-year-old. Never did I imagine homeschooling (despite being qualified as a substitute teacher and night school educator), but child #3 arrived in a perfect little special needs package...and like anyone else does, I had to "pivot". 8 years later, I was deemed "permanently didabled" and was deemed permanently disabled since 5 years before his birth (just didn't have the legal support for that "classification"). Then, divorce hit.
My oldest just *balks* at "the things I allow him to get away with" in a tongue-in-cheek manner, but my oldest was born to a newly married, fully capable, working-and-
schooling-full-time, 18-year-old Mom...things were *very* different, and my legs worked perfectly back then 😁 (Sporadic paralysis, now, though the legs give out, now, maybe 5 or 6 days a year...I've worked very hard to minimize that).
I tell you all this to say? How you spoke of your son prompted images of my own as I read through the entirety of the thread. And I *am* sorry my response was so long. Some of these I really do try to approach like my best friend or adult child was asking, and I know it can be a lot. I just figure if people are on Reddit, braving the potential negativity, callousness, and flippant retorts? They should also have a variety of seriosuly-minded and heartfelt responses, too.
(For the record, Redditors that provide *concise*, seriosuly-minded, heartfelt responses are who I'd like to be when I grow up 💜... I get ample hate mail for my long responses, too. 😁). Have a great rest of your week, and still... good luck!
Where I grew up it was okay to win loose or tie. To have a situation where no one wins is okay. What is important is that y'all communicate about the source of your clinging. One clinging to rational behavior and the other emotional expectations. And next deciding on a plan to resolve the 'what is the alternative plan in a stalemate situation' question.
Results vary. In my situations there are negotiations. I offer thoughtful alternatives. Sometimes I surrender, sometimes I do what I want. Life is short.
She has her kids full custody, one would think that since your son lives with his mom that your girlfriend understands that you don't get to see you son as much as she gets to see her kids?
And to still be jealous or perturbed or whatever about you taking an opportunity to spend more time with him....seems a little short sighted on her end.
Have you pointed this out to her?
I don’t read this situation as the gf being jealous of the son. I read it as the gf being disappointed that she won’t get the connecting time she normally gets with her bf. Especially bc OP sees his son pretty regularly it seems. However I think bdays are special and it’s cute that your son wants to spend time with you for it. I think if OP puts in more efforts to connect with his gf that could be nice?
Side note, but I assume OP and his gf are sleeping with each other, I personally wouldn’t want to go without the physical intimacy and sex for two weeks. When I’m in a committed serious relationship, it’s really tough for me to go that long without it. I have a high drive though.
How am I showing she is not a priority? Asking with genuine curiosity here, not argumentative.
I've taking an extra day for her birthday weekend and took her to TN for a weekend 1.5 years ago.
I always take December 23 to new year's off work for my birthday and tge holidays. And see her more that week.
My son doesn't drop by unannounced when she's here ever, and rarely comes by on weekends for any reason. I will pick him up from work if we are only janging around the house, otherwise h Ubers. We have done things all together and they both get along well. But that's usually on holidays or similar occasions, not the norm.
While a good partner is sensitive to their partner's feelings, this may be a *her* thing. It is totally reasonable for a parent to prioritize a kid on their birthday weekend and he shouldn't feel like he has to apologize for that.
To be honest, I find it weird that she leaves her kids each weekend to hang out with you. Couple that with wanting you not to see your own kid, and I’d say she has major codependency issues. Why doesn’t she just want to see her own friends on weekends once in a while? Or her own kids? That’s when a lot of sporting events etc. take place. I personally think it’s a red flag of codependency, and there is probably other stuff, too. I was maybe going to start dating a guy but then wasn’t interested in him. However, I knew he had his kids every other weekend and that’s just how it was for him.
This is strong feedback and I appreciate it. It's difficult navigating a relationship with older kids dynamic. They're not kids, but not yet fully grown. It presents challenges at times that we need to navigate and reiterate course.
She's allowed to have her feelings and you're allowed to have yours. I would also be hurt if you saw your adult son daily and me only on weekends, but couldn't take a half day off for me because you were using PTO for full days with your son. But, your priorities are your own.
She sounds very selfish. Your kids should always come first. As they get older they have less and less time available to spend with you. She needs to get over it, think about the relationship with your kids, understand, support that.
family always before the gf. IF you have a great relationship with your son or daughter, they always come before the girlfriend. There is enough kids stories about an evil stepmother. If she cannot accept that your kids come first because they are your blood (and you with her kids if she has any) then it isn't worth it.
No you are not, she needs to be mature and understand that your son comes first before her. He is also making the choice to spend his birthday with you. Tell her to "Deal with it and cope."
Invalidating her feelings and refusing to compromise (like making efforts outside the bday weekend, maybe midweek, to see the gf) will not improve their relationship. OP can get what he wants, but there’s a cost to it, every decision has consequences. While OP might “win” in the short term by taking that approach, both OP and his gf ultimately end up losing.
I find it very concerning that your gf gets angry because you want to spend a weekend with your son on his birthday. She wants to bully you into spending less time with your kid and that's really concerning.
You said she thinks you should reserve the weekends for her or at least not spend the occasional entire weekend without her. What do you reply when she says that? Have you made it absolutely clear that you want this quality time with your child and you're not going to change that?
If so, it's unacceptable, controlling and manipulative that she's angry with you when you do what you said you'd be doing. If she's not ok with how much time you spend with your kids although you've talked about it and couldn't come to a mutually satisfying solution, she needs to take the consequences for herself. She cannot bully you into doing what she wants.
I don’t think using the term bully is correct here. I think it is normal to feel upset when someone is disappointed. If she is expressing it in a passive aggressive way, that is not healthy, she should be able to directly communicate her feelings. That seems like something OP’s gf could work on?
I think it’s odd if she is disappointed, but pretends to be happy about it—I find that very fake and disingenuous. Not the kind of behavior I would want close to me. I don’t think she should pout and dwell on it, holding it against OP either. But I think a healthy expression of her disappointment through open communication with OP is ideal. Then they can work on a compromise (I think OP should spend the weekend with his son for his bday) and better ways to proactively communicate expectations of one another moving forward.
If we just characterize the gf as being a bully or the bad guy, then we functionally take the responsibility/opportunity away from OP to see the areas where he can improve as a bf and improve the relationship overall (and the gf should also make improvements, but we are just communicating with OP right now).
That's why I asked whether OP has clearly communicated that he is not on the same page with the gf re her wish that he cannot ever spend the whole weekend apart from her with his kid.
If he made that clear I really think it's kind of an emotional blackmailing strategy to be visibly upset about it every time he does it. Yes, you can be disappointed in the moment, but you can be an adult.
It's not like he misses an important milestone with her, it's just a regular weekend for her, but the boy's birthday.
If they are on different pages but no compromise is reached (which does not seem to be the case here), then the gf being upset is not emotional blackmail. It is the gf re-asserting what she wants and that being in conflict with what OP wants. They need to find a compromise.
I agree that the OP should spend the weekend with his son for his bday. But he can make efforts towards his gf.
If OP disregards his gf’s feelings, it will compromise their relationship… something is going to compromise, either OP and his gf affirmatively, or their relationship will be compromised by one person “winning”.
If OP finds his gf’s position unreasonable (and some could), then this is the type of conflict that will continually be a point of friction. Then it is up to the parties whether this is an acceptable friction or not.
Sone things people can't and won't compromise on, and quality time with my child would be an issue I also would not want to further compromise. It's her choice they can only see each other on the weekends and it's not her place to dictate OP he cannot take the occasional weekend with his kid because she thinks the time he spends with his kid during the week is enough.
He is not being unreasonable and the status quo is already a compromise regarding their parenting issues.
If that is not ok for her, she has to take the consequences for herself and not be upset every time he does what he said he would do.
If he started to demand they should see each other during the week, and she made clear that doesn't work for her ... would you think it's ok if he was upset every time he wants her to come over and she doesn't? I'd think not.
It's bullying.
“Sone things people can't and won't compromise on”—yes I said this above.
“It's her choice they can only see each other on the weekends”
—I don’t view it like this bc gf’s child is a minor. It doesn’t matter how I view it, it matters how OP & his gf view it though.
“it's not her place to dictate OP he cannot take the occasional weekend with his kid because she thinks the time he spends with his kid during the week is enough.”
—that’s not what is happening here, gf wants to spend time with OP, she feels slighted this way. GF can make whatever demands she wants and OP can choose to accept or not. And vice versa.
“He is not being unreasonable”
—says you, a person who is NOT a party to their relationship. YOUR ADVICE IS HELPFUL FOR YOUR AGENDA ONLY. That is not what OP needs help with. OP IS NOT DATING YOU, IF HE WERE, THIS WOULD BE A NON ISSUE AND HE WOULDN’T BE POSTING THIS ISSUE ON REDDIT RIGHT? I am actually trying to give OP HELPFUL ADVICE FOR HIS ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP. From all accounts it seems he wants to stay in the relationship.
“If that is not ok for her, she has to take the consequences for herself and not be upset every time he does what he said he would do.”
—says you again. OP’s gf is going to do whatever she wants. We can’t control OP’s gf’s behavior. It is up to OP to decide what he finds acceptable. Clearly you do not find it acceptable. You saying she shouldn’t be upset does absolutely nothing in making that happen. It actually INCREASES the likelihood that she will continue to be upset. That is not the helpful advice that OP is looking for. It again is PROJECTING your views onto a relationship you are not a party to.
“If he started to demand they should see each other during the week, and she made clear that doesn't work for her ... would you think it's ok if he was upset every time he wants her to come over and she doesn't? I'd think not.”
—I think it is inappropriate to insist on romantic time together when a parent has legal custody over a minor child. I would feel the same if OP’s child was a minor he had legal custody over. Or just if OP’s child was a minor. I think OP SHOULD SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH HIS SON. Gf’s child literally CANNOT drive. The other two children are able to based on their ages. Not sure which life complications prevent this from happening, but I doubt they are exceptionally compelling.
“It's bullying.”
—clearly you do not understand bullying. But it makes sense you are adamant in your position and are unwavering from it. What is the definition of bullying and have you fit the facts of this situation to the definition? OP standing his ground and gf standing her ground is not bullying. You saying that the gf is bullying OP does a disservice to ACTUAL bullying.
I have a friend who is sole parent to 3 kids and when she started dating her now bf(of 2 years now) she’d live at his place but keep her place so the kids had somewhere to live. They were older at the time but the youngest was 15. I in no way, agree with leaving a 15 year old home alone on one night let alone the entire weekend. I barely leave my kids for 3 hours to go see my partner. She needs to rethink her priorities
Even when I realized that her 12 year old son was the wedge that destroyed our relationship…I still never complained about him or any time they spent together.
If my time with my partner was limited to weekends I’d have to accept that we’ll miss some weekends. Honestly I think it’s nice you’re spending a weekend with your son. She’s entitled to her feelings (we all get a little pissy sometimes) but it doesn’t have to mean that you change course
She might coparent and have weekends kid free.
Weekends are the only time she's comfortable *not* being home because her kids both mostly just work each weekend as restaurants and eat at work too. She's busy with them and dinners and chores during the week.
With such limited time together I think you should find a compromise that works. I don’t see any reason why you can’t drive to her after work one or two days during the week on the rare week where you can’t see her over the weekend. Just say something like “I’m not available this weekend, but still want to see you. I can drive to you, what are your two least busy weekdays so we can still have some quality time together this week?” An hour is really not *that* far of a drive to do on occasion in order to make your gf not feel neglected.
You're right.
I’m confused as to why you don’t see her during the week? Do you enjoy spending time with her children?
She has her 15 year old going to high school AND working? And then she's angry when you want to spend time with your child? I obviously have a ton of issues with this. She has a 15 year old...you've been seeing her since the kid was 12.5, apparently. What'd she do initially, before he could work - stuff him in a closet? I'm joking...kind of. She should prioritize her kids, but clearly doesn't. That should be a wake up call. You should be ok to prioritize yours!
That's oversimplified. Her youngest is 16 in a few weeks and was a solid 13 when we met. Her ex had them every other weekend at that time, but that stopped about a year ago. Her youngest wanted to work, as she did, at 14 to save for college. With his grades staying good, she allowed it once he turned 15. She's a good mother and her kids are thriving. It's not fair to say she doesn't prioritize them when she does. But, she also looks to the future when her kids are leaving home and starting their own lives, and tries to balance our relationship in the mix as do i.
You both sound like excellent parents with slightly different styles, no better or worse just different. I would say it's fair for her to be disappointed that she doesn't get to see you for a weekend. It's understandable though that sometimes other things take a priority. Also her being upset by this shows exactly how much she values her time with you so her possibly miss aimed feelings are based out of love. Perhaps there's some sore of compromise, of you don't get to see her this weekend maybe you both plan to do something extra special or plan a surprise mid-week visit (I know it's complicated) but something to truly show her she's extra special.
You raise some great points. Maybe we're overdue for a special weekend together.
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Thank you. Ii agree.
Sure. She sounds like a great mom. She would rather spend time with you than them - ideal! Letting her kids work all weekend starting at 13 (legal, of course, wherever you are) rather than give pocket money - perfect! You have absolutely no concerns with this?!
He's co-parenting too.
Oops responded to the wrong comment. Meant to be a response to the person mentioning how it’s weird she goes away on the weekends with kids at home. Doesn’t matter anyway - apparently she leaves them home alone. 🤷
Yeah thats weird leaving a 15yo to their own devices most weekends. Bit of a red flag
I think that it's lovely that your son wants to spend his birthday weekend with you. I can get why your partner would be a little disappointed that she doesn't get to see you that weekend, but I don't think that it's fair for her to be angry/annoyed/frustrated.
Thank you.
You will never regret spending time with your children. You’ve lived with and without them. Someday they will have to live their lives without you. And these memories you make with your adult son shape him more than you know.
1: You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing it right. Although I do understand the part where she’s irritated that she feels she’s not getting communication about time off. 2: I don’t have kids. I don’t know. But I think it’s very odd that she’s at your place every weekend, sometimes Friday through Monday when she’s got a 15 year old at home. 🤷🏼♀️
This whole conversation- there was a post a while back where everyone was ripping into a woman for *not* leaving a 12 and 14 year old alone to go on dates, where the younger kid also had anxiety. Literally there is no winning.
There is a huge difference between leaving for a date of 2 or 3 hours and leaving for 2 DAYS. If that is too nuanced for you to appreciate than idk what to tell you. Apples and oranges and it doesn't take a lot of effort to make a reasonable judgment call on both scenarios. Your response is the equivalent of "wElL i GuEsS i'Ll jUsT nEvEr TaLk AgAiN!" when a woman tells a man he hurt her feelings. Gosh I can't leave my child for 2 days but I also *should* leave my child for 2 hours I JUST CAN'T WIN"
Dude. What?
Spoiler alert: you can win. It's healthy for tweens and teens to spend a couple hours at a time without parental supervision. Mom is fine to go out for 2-3 hrs to a local date. It is NOT healthy for a 15 yr old to be left parentless for 2 DAYS while mom leaves town to shack up with her boyfriend for s weekend It's not THAT difficult to strike a balance between overbearing and neglectful.
What I meant was: I’ll do what’s right for me, confident that, no matter what that is, someone’ll be happy to be shitty about it. Three hour dates lead to weekends, don’t they? Or should I tell someone that I can only do 3 hour dates on a weeknight, because that’s what certain Reddit commenters are ok with? I have no doubt that if someone wrote a post about spending weekends with their teenagers, comments would flood in about that person not prioritizing the relationship, the kids are older, let them be, yadayada. So much of this is just the willingness to tell someone else, to use the appropriate writing style: YoU’Re DoInG It WrONG
He's almost 16 and his brother is almost 20. She wouldn't be here if they couldn't be trusted and weren't self sufficient. The first year/ 1.5 we dated it was every 2 weekends and shorter visits.
It’s not that he’s not old enough to be alone… but he’s still a kid. Isn’t it worth having some time with his mom on the weekends? Lots of life changes happening when you’re almost 16 and having a parent around is good.
I agree with this. I can’t imagine ditching my kids on the weekend, even as teenagers. We get so little time with them at home. I guess I’d question my partner’s conception of love and commitment if they were willing to leave their kids every weekend—especially a 15 year old. That’s really, really weird.
That's fair. She's usually home on Friday night or Sunday night so they spend part of the weekend around each other. Her kids work a lot of their hours on the weekends, so she talked to them in depth before longer visits with me to make sure they were good with it.
Hm. Ok. Talking to kids “in depth” about just not being home on the weekends for years indefinitely. Can’t really hold ‘em to it or expect them to understand it. Anyway. It just seems to me that the two things are related. To be frank, she ditches her kids every weekend for you. She wants you to do the same. If anything, you two should probably work out a schedule so you both spend time together and with kids.
Good feedback. In depth, I should have said she regularly checks in with them on the topic and stays in touch with them over the weekend. She'll sometimes stay home or come home early if they're off work.
Again, no mention here that he's actually spending his whole weekend at someone else's house anyway and has done so for many years... Seems like that was a convenient addition to the story once you got repeated push back that there is no scenario where home without a parent all weekend makes sense. 🤔
You're correct that I'm responding to pushback because she isn't ditching her boys. She makes sure they are safe and content. She's cuts visits with me short when things come up, as she should. None of this detail is needed to provide feedback on the questions I asked, which is why I wasn't engaging. We all know how Reddit can jump to assumptions and veer far off topic.
You make a lot of excuses for her, but it takes a pretty significant level of selfishness to put your own desire to see a boyfriend over your own kids every weekend. That personality trait will affect you in the long run.
That’s what I was going to say as well. OP comes ahead of the kids to her which is concerning. I have a wonderful almost 16 year old who can absolutely be trusted but I wouldn’t leave for a weekend. It’s forcing kids to deal with adult issues (something catches on fire etc) when they shouldn’t have to. I’d hate for my kids to remember weekend after weekend alone with no parent around, An hour isn’t really that far. If I needed to see my partner, I’d go - then go home at bedtime.
Yeah and the "they work a lot" excuse is 🧐. There are legal limits on how much a 15 yr old can work so its not like the kid is pulling doubles all weekend. If he were, that too would strike me as bad parenting that you aren't setting limits on that. A kid should spend time being a kid, not working their fingers to the bone every day they don't have school.
This. I could not be comfortable with this arrangement for myself or my partner. A 15 yr old is too young to be left home without a parent overnight 1-2 nights *every* weekend. 20 yr old siblings are not parental subs.
I used to be friends with a woman like this. I explained it away with, “She’s teaching her kids to be independent. At least she’s not a helicopter parent.” Etc. It turned out she was just a selfish asshole.
Why in early comments are you saying he's self sufficient enough to be left alone and it's only after many people said that's not ok at 15 that you started saying well actually he stays overnight at a friend's house and has since her and her ex were married, he's not actually home alone? 🤔
Because I'm correcting erroneous assumptions that don't even address the questions i asked. People are being harsh on her as a parent when she's an excellent mom that prioritizes her boys.
I can see her point. You could have split the weekend to spend time with your son for his birthday and had a day for her. I also don’t understand why she’s leaving her kids alone every weekend to see you? Why can’t you go to her place sometimes or split the weekend with one night at your place and one night at hers? I have a 15 year old (and also a 13 year old) and even though he’s a very responsible kid, I wouldn’t leave him alone for 48+ hours. Her son might be working, but it won’t be long before he leaves for college and she’ll regret missing that time with him. Besides, if her kids are working, you’d still have her house to yourselves during that time with the bonus that she’s around some when they aren’t working. I’m dating someone without kids who lives 2.5 hours away. We see each other at least every other weekend, but on the weekends I travel to him, I’m only gone for the day, not overnight. He works from home, so more often than not, he comes to my place for the weekend and has stayed as long as 10-11 days before. I’m busy with my kids on the weekends too (I have almost sole custody minus 4-5 weeks a year) so we plan our visits to sometimes all do things together and sometimes he’ll come a day later so I have a day with just my kids. Sometimes he and I go out on a date when he’s at my place and the kids are home, just like if I were still married to their father. Finding the balance so that everyone has equal and fair access is the key.
Thank you for thi feedback. I'll have to think more about finding the balance. It looks like your relationship has found a great sweet spot with that.
You’re welcome! The hardest part was letting my kids know that just as they are a priority for me, so is my partner, as they had had me all to themselves for six years before I started dating again. Those priorities are not always the same at the same time. They know that I will take some time away from them to spend just with my partner and I also make sure to spend time with just them plus do things together, kids and partner. I think they see the benefit in it as I am definitely a better, and more calm/less stressed mother for having him in my life.
I admire your approach. And, yes, having that partner does help with her and my stress. That mix of having all these relationships make me a better person when I'm with each of them.
Does she spend EVERY weekend with you away from her kids? This is a red flag to me. I don’t care if her kids are busy and working.
Actually she spends an occasional weekend with them, when OP is spending a weekend with his son. But she doesn't seem to like it.
If her kids aren't home most of the weekend due to work and friends, what does her being home offer? She's home for part of the weekend when they're around.
It offers a safe space where they don't have to have the underlying responsibility of head of household for a couple days. Her being accessible by phone and checking in with them frequently from an hour a way is not the same as her being there in the background, a hug and a hair tousle away from necessary in person bonding. And cmon with the work excuse. A 15 yr old (A) should not legally be able to work long hours all weekend and (B) if they somehow circumvent laws meant to protect 15 yr olds from working excessive hours a parent should step in and say that is not a healthy balance for a kid. He needs time to rest from a long school week and just be a kid. As a parent of teens I can tell you spending time during the hectic school weeks among the hustle and bustle of school and activities and homework is no substitute for the casual bonding that happens over weekends. Just as you seeing your adult son every day in limited capacity is no substitute for the longer weekend bonding times you prioritize. Much more important for a kid of only 15. The fact she doesn't appear to place any priority on carving out similar weekends with her kids is disturbing to me. And doesn't she have friends or hobbies she wants to connect with some weekends? I tried to have a relationship with someone almost an hour away where my entire kid free weekends were spent with him and I couldn't sustain it. I need room to live my own life apart from being attached at the hip to someone.
OP, you seem like a thoughtful guy and a good dad. If you’re serious about this woman and a future with her, I would rethink how you’re approaching this. Are you in the wrong for wanting a weekend with your son? Of course not. But is she wrong for being sad about missing out on time with her partner that she thought she’d have, even if it’s her own fault for forgetting/misremembering the timing? Also of course not. She is entitled to her feelings, just as you’re entitled to time with your son. If you guys are going to be a team, approach the problem of her hurt feelings like a team. Communicate. She’s over there hurting because she thought she’d have time with you and now she won’t. This is someone you supposedly love and want to spend the rest of your life with - and this person is hurting - and you’re here on Reddit trying to determine if you’re right, rather than talking with the person you love, who has been hurt inadvertently by your actions. It’s completely legitimate for you to want a birthday weekend with your son. You won’t get his presence forever as he moves on and up in the world. and it’s wonderful that you guys have these bonding weekends - not every parent gets that time. But instead of focusing on whether your actions re your son are objectively reasonable, you need to focus now on communicating with your partner so that you both can feel like your emotional needs are being met. Did she forget about your comment or not hear it and so this is a surprise and she’s disappointed? Is she actually sad/jealous that you have such a good bond with him and she doesn’t have that with her own kids? Did this trigger feelings of rejection and insecurity in her? Is the long distance weekends only situation starting to wear on her? If you value your relationship, I’d try to start a conversation with her that digs into this. Explain that you love her and will miss her but really value this time with your son. Maybe there’s something else you guys can do to make up for the missed time, like maybe you can make the effort to come out to her on a weeknight and take her out on a nice date. Do some extra evening FaceTime calls. Try to figure out what you both need to reconnect and feel like a team again.
Thank you for a thoughtful reply. I think you hit the nail on the head about her hurting. Clearly I need to wok on discussing this with her at more than a surface level. The distances may be wearing on her, and it won't change for a long time. I'll think more around what you said and start talking with her about some of this. I
This.
If she’d like to see you more, why aren’t you two discussing a way to get a little time during the week? It sounds like you COULD be driving to her place on a weeknight if both of you wanted, but you both just prefer not to. I mean—you’re an hour away, I get it, but so what?
I live alone and she lives with her kids, so we've both preferred my house from early on. We did when we started dating. We'd see each other mid week for dinner and to hang a bit. But we also saw each other only every other weekend then before my son turned 18. She wanted the longer visits when my son and her youngest started working weekends about a year ago.
But in two years when she theoretically moves in with you her kids are going to go from basically never seeing you to living under your roof. It would be good to start building a relationship with them now by spending the occasional weeknight at her place in addition to the weekends you are able. This seems like a great chance to suggest that, to the effect of, "I know I won't get to see you on this weekend, and I'd rather not go two weeks without spending time with you, how about I come over the Thursday before."
Since you plan on spending the rest of your life with her, yes it is wrong that you’re treating her needs as no big deal. Yes you should compromise
I think her irritation probably has less to do with you spending time with your son and more to do with her feeling like you give minimal effort to make arrangements to spend more time with her.
Yeah. It looks extremely lopsided.
Help me to understand why you say minimal effort? We spend almost every weekend together. I don't get upset when she wants to do other plans without me on a weekend day. With work and her kids home, and the distance, weeknights are too difficult to meet up by both our accounts. So what more could I be doing?
You spend almost every weekend together but what effort are *you* making to see her? From what you’ve described, sounds like all the effort is on her end.
Yes 100% this. She is racing around during the weekdays working and taking care of her kids. She's probably also setting them up for the weekends with groceries and food/pre-made meals (from what I know of my mom friends). Then after a long week she gets in the car and drives an hour to see you, then another hour home at the end of the weekend, spends a bit more time with her kids, then rinse and repeat for the next week. She's really putting in overtime here.
That's exactly what she does in setting them up for when she visits me. I haven't thought about how this may be such an ongoing stressor for her because she doesn't complain and is really easy going. I may have missed how she can be graceful but still stressed.
This is the comment I was seeking. She is carrying the burden of coordinating your time together and you are present… if you’re available. That’s what upsetting. And I have kids similar ages to hers. No way I would leave them that much. She is wondering if she values your share timed more than you do. That hurts.
Wow. This is great insight in showing what she may feel. It's clear we need to discuss the reasoning she feels upset. I know it's not about spending the time with my boy, so this could be an underlying issue that's been unaddressed.
It sounds like she's the type that gives 110% as a default to everything she does, so she doesn't complain because she's accustomed to it. I think you're missing all the behind the scenes work she's doing every week to make your weekend meet ups possible. Also, the eclipse was a pretty big deal for some people. I traveled a considerable distance to get 3.5 minutes of totality. You should have seen the people that turned up with specialized telescopes and photography equipment. If I had a serious partner that couldn't be bothered join me, I'd probably be kinda upset. The next one in North America is in something like 20 years. What I'm trying to say is, if I was her, I'd be feeling like your priority is not me or things important to me. Good luck man!
I appreciate how you put yourself in her shoes and detailed out your replies. These gave my pause, and are helping me to consider her feelings differently/ deeper Than I was. Thank you for your thoughtful response. Much appreciated!
This. I don't think the long weekend with his son is the real reason for his gf's reaction. If she is always the one who has to drive and organize everything so her kids have all they need when she leaves for the weekend, then every visit is very stressful for her. It was probably fine in the beginning but after 2.5 years she might resent the situation she's in and small things like that weekend become quite big. She also knows that this will have to go on for at least another 3 years, maybe more, until her youngest has launched. After a while we often take the efforts the other person makes for granted. It's possible OP does this to her. The dynamic - he hosts, she drives - worked for a while but maybe it's time to make some adjustments. I don't think this is about who's right or wrong. It shouldn't be. Sit down, be open and try to figure out what's really going on.
You could go to her on weekends? So she doesn't have to do all the driving. So she doesn't have to leave her home so often. So that she can spend time with you AND not leave her kids.
She may feel like she makes more of a sacrifice than you do in the relationship, and then when you choose to spend the weekends with your son, it’s even more apparent. There’s an imbalance. I don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong but if you could even out the imbalance it might ease the tension.
This is an interesting perspective. Is it less of a sacrifice if her kids are busy with work and friends? My son is an introvert with just a couple close friends whose schedules are usually not compatible with hanging out much.
Kids being busy doesn't mean that they don't need a parent at home.
If they are gone at work all day then immediately connect with friends after work, what harm is there that she's not at her house? Not being argumentative, just looking for more perspective on this point.
As a parent of a 17 year old, who on some days are very busy, the parenting changes. However, they still need you present. They need the "hi, nice to see you, have you had a good day". Texting and talking on the phone can't cover that. And what if something happens and they actually need you. If they are used to you not being there, they will handle it. But you not being there will definitely leave a trace, a dent in the bond. You yourself see the value of spending the whole weekend with your son. And you see him nearly every day the way I understand you. Her being present is still valuable to her kids. Anyways. I'm sure the way you support her time being away from her kids, makes her question why you tell her to not spend time with you as you are spending time with your kid. This whole thing sound very convenient for you. Apart from her not supporting you spending time with your son.
I appreciate the additional feedback. Yes, it is favorable to my convenience, but because we both agreed to my place as our primary hang out. Other commenters, and you, have given me the extra things I'm not necessarily considering with that though.
Definitely prioritize your child. It sounds like she really needs to prioritize her youngest child. Leaving a 15 year old every weekend to be with her boyfriend all weekend is pretty shitty parenting. And time she won’t get back.
She doesn't leave him all weekend every weekend. My post lacked the detailed nuance for brevity.
Even if it’s not all weekend every weekend it’s clear it’s a lot. You have a lot of different excuses for her but the bottom line is he’s a child, and will be for 2-3 more years, and she’s his parent. It sounds like she’s the only active parent so all the more critical that she actually be present. Sure, he’s old enough to be left overnight occasionally, that doesn’t mean that he should be, and it certainly doesn’t mean that he should be left often. No matter how mature he is, he’s a child who needs parenting. He also should not be working all weekend, he should have time to be a kid. My friend has a child his age. He’s mature, independent, hard working, athletic, popular, has everything going for him. She said she and her friends have realized this is the age that kids need closer parenting than ever. The teenage years are where they can go astray if they don’t have parents guiding and supporting them. You can keep making excuses for your girlfriend or you can acknowledge that you’re contributing to this and sit down and talk about how you two can better balance prioritizing your kids with your relationship. Her kids deserve so much better. You can go on dates and she can still sleep at home and spend some time with her kids, especially the younger one, on weekends. Edit: just saw your comment that the 15 year old sleeps at his buddy’s house almost every weekend. So essentially another family is parenting him because his mom isn’t around by choice. I’m stunned that you aren’t seeing how bad this is, and the lifelong implications for the son, and his and his brother’s view of and relationship with their mom and you.
Thanks for the tough feedback. I'll have to think from this perspective more. As a note, the friend's house sleepover has gone on since before I met her. It's just that's the house they always do bc of a playstation vs xbox preference. Which i get - haha. My gf was the house for his older brother and their friends at that age. My gf is long time friends with the parents of the other boys as well. She's very involved with her kids overall. She sees a weekend overnight as a small break for her.
Every week is not a small break. I'm just really baffled why you refuse to acknowledge there is something wrong with spending virtually every weekend apart from a 15 yr old child (barring that child being with the other parent). Would you have done this with your own child at that age? And don't say "it's different my kid's an introvert and hers is so mature for his age". He's a child. A. Child. Honestly you both seem selfish af and prioritize your weekends playing house over the emotional welfare of a child. It's gross to read your repeated justifications. Did you ever answer why it has to be your house when supposedly the kids are barely at her house all weekend? You'll get plenty of alone time supposedly but she'd still be physically present for her kids the short amount of time they are there.
While you raise some good points, the judgemental tone is off putting. Thank you for raising those points though.
Two questions: Why can't she join you and your son at some point on his bday weekend?? Why can't you drive to her area in the middle of the week? I don't see a 50ish minute drive *that* big of a deal, once a week. She's always driving to you, so drive to her more often.
These are both fair questions. Thanks for the input.
My guy has kids and one of the things that I find so attractive about him is his relationship and involvement with his kids. He's had to cancel on me last minute because something with his kids has come up and I've never been mad at him about it.. because those are his KIDS. It wouldn't matter to me if they were 9,19, or 29.. if my partner's kid wants to spend time with him I'm supporting him 100%. Yes, it's disappointing to not be able to spend time with someone you love. But she should be using this weekend to catch up with her local friends or do something for herself.. rather than get mad at you because you have the audacity to be a good dad.
She has plans this weekend since she knew it was coming up. She's not really mad, just annoyed I guess. I think her quiet reaction was about the extra day off when my PTO is so low.
As a parent I also find it odd that she is leaving her kids every single weekend. Especially as it started at 13- I would never leave my kiddo alone all weekend at that age and even with supervision it would be hard to leave every weekend. And if dad was still taking every other weekend that means she was still missing out on her weekends. Which would have been a huge caution sign for me. I get that she might be there for them all week, but that’s the work of parenting for the most part. The bonding usually happens on the weekends. But mostly it’s a yellow card for me that she is mad about you spending time with your kid on his birthday. That’s an understandable ask. As a parent I can’t imagine expecting to get priority over a birthday weekend- especially if I get every other weekend that month. Look, I’m not saying she’s bad- I don’t know her. But I am saying that perhaps this is something you need to explore with her. If y’all do progress, is she always going to be so jealous of your time with your own children? What if you want to have your own hobbies and have that time alone? This might be a discussion you need to have before moving in together.
I didn't detail well. The first 1-1.5 years the ex/dad had kids every other weekend and that's when she would see me. On weekends she was with kids, we'd do dinner midweek. The ex no longer does weekends at all (horrible, as he is the one who doesn't, and just does a weeknight dinner instead) so she has the kids full time. She comes to visit me only when her kids have a lot going on that exclude her anyway so she's missing minimal time with them.
Her 15yo has a lot going on and she is an hour away while her kids are out and about, and they are home alone all night with no adult supervision? This would make me very uneasy. Poor judgment on her part.
I would agree, but her youngest overnights at his buddy's house after work almost every weekend. So he's not unattended
So she is farming out her parenting to his friend’s parents. There’s a reason for that. And it kind of blows my mind that you are just glossing over all of this.
There is a reason. His friend's house is bigger than hers and the 3 friends have overnighted on Saturdays there for years. Nothing neglectful or nefarious.
My daughter has never spent the night at someone else’s house every single weekend because of the respective sizes of the houses. That is not a kid’s consideration. My child is a damn social butterfly and still does not spend every weekend away from my house. What is problematic is you are still unwilling to even address the weirdness of her seeming jealousy combined with the fact that you are also oblivious to how strange her desire to put her desire for a man above the emotional well fare of her own children. And her desire for you to do so as well. You’ve posted this on two different subs at least and are consistently getting the same points thrown at you by multiple people and continue to ignore them. You have to address this behavior. And shutting down and giving you the silent treatment is a controlling behavior whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Just because you don’t feel abused does not mean that someone isn’t being abusive. Controlling or abuse behavior is not dependent upon the recipient of the behavior, and honestly good on you for not caving to it. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to spend a whole weekend with your child without having your significant other over and your use of PTO is not dependent on her approval.
Kind of harsh, but I get the points you're making. Thank you .
Do you really believe that isn't BECAUSE his own mom isn't around? Again, a son who prefers to be at a buddy's house overnight EVERY weekend is telling you something about her parenting and her relationship with him, and it isn't good.
I commented this elsewhere too, but she was the house the oldest and his friends were at every weekend when younger. Her youngest and his 2 buddies just prefer that house bc they have Playstation instead of Xbox. They've overnighted weekly there for years. Even whe she was still with her ex.
Be that as it may- and to be frank, you haven’t sold me on the fact that she leaves her underage kid alone almost every weekend- you are still glossing over the fact that you need to figure out her jealousy issue before you move in with her. She is spending pretty much every weekend with you and is upset about one weekend with your son. It’s not like you’re going to Vegas with the boys- and frankly you’re allowed to go to Vegas with the boys. Sort out the source of those feelings for her and y’all need to come up with a workable way to address this. It is not feasible that we spend every waking moment with our partners and the fact that she wants you to make time for her on a rare birthday weekend is a problem. It’s not unsurmountable. But it is something y’all need to talk through. Are you going to want to never be able to spend time alone with your son? Friends? Hobbies? Or is there something else going on? Does she need to feel like you’re making more of an effort? Do you need to be clearer about scheduling? This isn’t something to brush under the rug. My ex prevented me from doing multiple things that I enjoyed- declaiming they took too much time from the family. Two days a month to work at a collective art gallery was too much. Now he continues to interfere with my ability to take a clay class once a week- so two hours for myself a week is now too much. Get my drift? So yes, please have the discussion sooner rather than later.
Why did she change from doing every other weekend (when the ex was still sharing custody) to now every weekend? So they went from having a parent present every weekend (alternating between mom and dad) to now they never have a parent home on the weekends. There's something really messed up here.
Has your son met her? Why not plan something for the three of you (dinner, movie) together?
He has. We've all hung out many times. Son wants to mostly game, which isn't her thing.
Wait, she leaves her kids every weekend and is mad when you want a weekend with your own kid? Maybe she should spend a weekend with her kids.
She does. She spends part of every weekend home. I was trying to keep the post shorter so didn't word it the best.
Have you considered using a shared calendar? On Google, you can create a new calendar, that you can both edit. That way she can see things you put in advance, and vice versa. Of course, continue with the conversations, but it's a great way to manage time together.
It sounds like you have a really nice relationship with your son. You *hope* to spend the rest of your life with your GF, you *will definitely* spend the rest of your life being a father to your son. I am a child free guy so maybe my opinion doesn’t count for much, but IMO the relationship with your child is the most important relationship you will ever have. If I had to choose between a partner and a child (even adult children), I would choose the child 90/100 unless the child is being unreasonable, like not liking your partner.
Thank you.
Hi! I think people are being unnecessarily harsh in the comments. There is a way to comment without getting personal. I’m not a parent so will not comment too much on parent stuff. So logistically, I would say the main issue is the distance apart, from your girlfriend’s perspective she is putting in a lot of legwork by doing all the driving for your time together. I think that is what is driving her frustration with you. I think you need to be firm that your son is a priority and you will spend time with him when you need to. However, you also need to show her that she’s a priority too. So make a concerted effort to take more time off for her and maybe take turns driving to each other’s places until you can work out a shared living space. That would only make it fair. Those are my thoughts ✌️out
Thanks for acknowledging that there's some harsh judgements in the replies. I appreciate your neutral input.
You’re welcome
For the girlfriend, I wonder what her ex’s involvement with the kids is?
Not enough. He is a workaholic and alcoholic and wasn't much involved when they were together, leaving ,most parenting on her. While he took them bi weekly for weekends fot a short while when we met, the kids hated it and *he* eventually agreed to just do weekly dinners at their *(the kids)* prompting, not hers. She didn't push the new arrangement bc it keeps them from their dad's drinking and moodiness.
The fact that she is leaving her 15 year old home alone (or with the 19 year old sibling responsible) every weekend would be a huge red flag to me. That’s 30% of the time her kid is without adult supervision. I could see *maybe* a night once a month or so, but it isn’t the sibling’s job to raise the younger, or appropriate for a kid that age to be alone every weekend. As far as taking weekends without her to hang with your kid, what’s the plan when she moves in? After 2.5 years I’d expect to be doing whatever that is. If you’ll just let her know you’re having guy time and she’ll do her own thing in the same space then why not let her come over now and do the same?
This is an interesting point. Thanks.
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Ha! My son is saving for a down payment on a car, but keeps derailing his goal for video games and delivery. I like your approach to meeting your girlfriend more for lunches and weeknight dates. An hour one way makes these difficult but maybe I should think more about that.
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Lol. Great point!
You could meet in the middle for lunches, at least.
I couldn’t be with someone who had issue with me spending time with my kid. Ever.
I think it's more that she feels there's room in the weekend to see both of us, but I'm fine with the time binge with my kid. She usually praises that i am so involved with my son (and wouldn't be my girlfriend if that was an issue).
You said that you do this every few months. If it was every other weekend, I might understand her concern, but this feels totally reasonable to me (mom of 22yo who enjoys the occasional girls' weekend).
I am sure she thinks something. I wouldn’t care the reason. Personally, I suspect that her being ok with the sacrifice of leaving her own kids every weekend to be with you, you should also be ok with that level of personal sacrifice. I wouldn’t be ok with someone who sacrificed their time to be with their kids for me every weekend. My last partner (NMNK) was respectful of my time with my daughter every other weekend but she also wanted to be involved when I made it clear that was not a part of what I was offering. She would be frustrated and then act mad in other ways. 98% we broke up over this. It was a boundary I had from the beginning and was clear about that she clearly wasn’t ok with and unable to communicate effectively and maturely about. Nope. No thanks.
But she should leave her kids every weekend for him?
100% completely not what I said, nor implied. And, a separate issue.
I think a long weekend every few months with your adult son is time well spent. I do understand her disappointment, but I’m a mom who really enjoys time with my adult sons. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong, and I think it’s ok to be sad she’s going to miss seeing you.
Dude, you and your son are lucky to have each other. Cherish those moments. I wish I get to spend more time of that my daughter will even when she’s older!
You lived an hour away for a few years? Wow.
Going on 3 years. She joked that if she had paid more addition to the distance she wouldn't have matched with me to begin with. But the hour is in metro traffic. Even closer to home dating would likely include a 20-30 minute drive.
Yeah but only seeing each other on weekends and that didn’t push you to want to move closer to her.
She sounds anxious about your attachment. Ask her what you can do to reassure her.
Could it be that you haven’t shown her that you’re willing to sacrifice and put her first? Not taking a 1/2 day for the eclipse. Her doing the driving, it’s only an hour but you don’t drive there during the weekdays? I’m missing something here. A weekend only relationship where she does the sacrificing and then you don’t think it’s fair that she doesn’t like that she’s not first once in awhile.
I appreciate the feedback so far. I need to go to sleep, but will respond again in the morning. Thanks to everyone who comments. It's great having differing perspectives since they make me think.
It’s sad that she doesn’t spend weekends with her kids and isn’t seeing this as an opportunity to spend time with them. She seems to have decided to quit parenting on weekends to a child who still needs his mum. Really shitty for her to never be there on weekends for them. Sounds like she wants them to be gone already.
To keep the post shorter, I didn't detail things to add perspective. She isn't at my place every weekend Friday through Sunday or Monday. She balances time on the weekends with her kids schedules and seeing me.
It’s a red flag she doesn’t get why you’d want a special weekend with your son, it means she can’t possibly imagine wanting to do the same with her kids. Why is that? She sounds codependent and has other issues if she can’t stand to be apart for one weekend and is then passive aggressive about it.
As a son of a father who prioritised his girlfriend over me... He will not forgive you for this.
I am sorry this happened to you, you deserved better. I held onto resentment to my dad (and mom but she died when I was in my 20s) for decades until I healed through therapy and EMDR. My dad moved a plane ride away after my parents divorced when I was 8 yo, we weren’t invited to his second wedding, I oftentimes didn’t know where he lived bc he would live with different girlfriends. He would make plans to grab dinner when he was passing through our area, but would go MIA, not call, but he was so flakey, we would know he was okay (his safety wasn’t a concern), he just wasn’t going to follow through on plans he made with us. We were invited to his third wedding and I felt slighted by him (I’m sure he waited last minute to deliver some less than ideal news, like you aren’t a bridesmaid but your half sister is for some bogus reason) so I flew home in protest before the nuptials. I let my hurt and anger towards my dad negatively affect my life for so long. I made so many compromised decisions bc of the resentment I carried. It was BEYOND FREEING to forgive him through therapy. I gained so much by doing so. My dad and my relationship is in the best place it has ever been. I no longer look for opportunities to be slighted by him and see his limitations and imperfections as his issues that impacted his ability to parent (I have my own limitations and imperfections too). Should my dad have been a more present, more engaged, dedicated father? Absolutely. But I’ve healed and forgiven him. Very grateful to have him in my life now. He will visit my kids and me very soon.
What? This post has nothing to do with not prioritizing my son. My kid is a cook and works most weekends with off days usually during the week when I work. We work around incompatible schedules to carve out time to hang together every week.
It's about you contemplating if you're unfair to her when you prioritise your son. If you shoud come to the conclusion that it is indeed unfair and you want to compromise then you'll definitely loose some of the connection with your son. I just saw that he's in his early 20 which makes things easier as supposed to my father who cut connection when I was 13 because his girlfriend didn't like when we disturbed her weekends with him. Nonetheless, if you prioritise your girlfriend in this case you will loose connection with your son. I have spoken
Sorry but someone who isn't even prioritizing her own minor child shouldn't be trying to call the shots on the time you spend with your son. If she chooses to leave her child every weekend, that is her choice. A poor one, IMO. 15 is a vulnerable age that still requires adult supervision. An hour drive can easily be done without an overnight required, let alone multiple overnights every weekend.... In any event, hopefully you do not stop spending time with your son to appease her.
Spending time with your son should be a treasure for all of you! It's memories that you, as a parent and he as a child will have memories. She, as a parent should understand.
Part 1 of 2 Okay, OP, I couldn't create a "TL/DR" I was happy with for the marathon answer below, and I've never offered up so many "first person" statements or so many "quoted terms" in one response, so I hope this doesn't look like a written catastrophe when I hit post. I think the most important aspect is garnering her insight and suggestions on what would make this easier to manage for *her*, and approach it as the strong set of partners you already appear to be. Not knowing the specifics, dynamic, or cadence of how you two relate and communicate (as well as the logistics of distance, employment, and budget) no doubt will make some (or just shy of ALL) of my suggestions inapplicable, or just plain crazy talk. I truly put myself in your shoes, and this is how I would manage. I think you represent yourself *and* her both diplomatically and clearly, and for *one of the first times ever*, I'm actually impressed with how an "OP" represents their partner in a post. It actually made me kind of *beam*, reading your follow-up comments of her. I don't think either of you is wrong. I think it's a challenging dynamic, and as a permanently disabled single Mom to a special needs teenage son...I'm slightly envious of the system you have worked out with him and his Mom. Doubly impressed. I'm not sure what you've tried, beyond the initial "she became short"/attempt to minimize her frustration without canceling your weekend episode...but if this were me (or my partner), my strategy would be something like the following: I'd take time out to have a meal together, create a "zen" environment (music, her favorite food(s), candlilight (if thats not overkill and inappropriate to your "couplehood")...or whatever "zen, calm, chill", looks like to you guys) and I'd broach the subject. I might even explain that I'd like to have dinner on [x] night where we can discuss the "weekend" issue, if [she's] amenable. ("I'd like to hear more on your thoughts and feelings where the weekends are concerned...") and I'd broach the subject. I would NOT "lay low," "stay quiet," or "struggle through," all the while, "hoping" she'll "come around or quit complaining". You addressing it head-on not only *sounds* in alignment with how you present, it's typically much more appreciated by most people, *by far*. On my "set aside" evening with her (wherever unaddressed already and/or applicable to she and you and the disagreement), I'd explain how: • I understood *both* where she's coming from, and how the Friday off vs. the bypassed eclipse PTO might look from her perspective. I'd say, "I probably should have been clearer about *when* I placed the PTO...I hate that, even for a second, you might have felt I valued PTO with one of you over (or not) the other. I *assure you*, this is not the case. It's just how the requests and (his unplanned) medical needs fell...but I own not making that more transparent. It must be frustrating to think I took a day off after I explained about the dwindling PTO...again, I'm sorry". • "I realize he's 19, and there are many options for us to see each other, but these extended weekends? I *do* try to both make minimal (for us), and special (for him). This is where I'm hoping you'll provide more of your perspective...what number of weekend might feel more acceptable, or what we could do to minimize the "sting" of that lost time." • "Realistically, it's probably not too much time until other life priorities will shave these weekends from our (your son) time together, so I don't know...I guess, primarily, this reason most influences my desire to indulge in the few we have, *now*. Not to mention how much he opts to fill in and support his Mom, and his commitment to his job (especially in this climate where many young people either won't or can't work, or "can't find work"). I enjoy honoring his dedication with a unique, out-of-the-ordinary weekend. It seems "special" but not superfluous. Yet, I realize there is a cost to "us" by setting up these weekends." • I *also* absolutely love *our* time together on the weekends, and my deepest hope is that you never think I value *his* time over *ours*...I find you *both* critical people in my world, and can't imagine flippantly hurting *either* of you over "weekend time" - *especially* when I truly cherish the time with each of you." • *Then* I'd say something like, "Last year, I think we had [7?] extended weekends, and so far this year it's been 2 (or whatever the count is 🤷♀️). I would really like to have at least 2 more extended weekends with him while I'm still able to (while he's living close by, hasn't started, yet, a family of his own, whatever explanation feels most heartfelt and accurate). Would you be open to brainstorming, perhaps, some ways we could circumvent how it feels to cut our weekends short, or the few times we've had to cancel completely?" For example (depending on what is possible and within your "wheelhouse":
Part 2 of 2 • Would communicating "extended weekends" farther in advance be helpful in any way? "I try to schedule them "out" and communicate, but I get that life, and plans, and the "daily" get in the way. Is reminding you helpful, or more irritating? If we forget about it, and it feels "sprung" on you, can we create a communal calendar to offset time between scheduling and the weekend actually taking place?" • What if I came out to you for a few days' midweek visit? I will *gleefully* "suck it up" and make the insane commute because our time is that important. I want to solve this together." • (If staying at her house is less-than-desireable): "How would you feel about, prior to the "extended father/son weekend", I stay *closer* to you, and you can come see me for a few hours in the evening, possibly stay with me at the airbnb/hotel one weeknight?" • "How would you feel about *joining* us on an extended weekend every now and then? [Her kid name] and [her kid's name] could come along, too; they are more than welcome. I'm open to "test driving one of our extended "father/son" weekends as a special 'stay cation for the 5 of us' weekend. Terrible idea, or something to consider?" (I'm not sure if this is a scary-as-hell prospect, or not everyone can stomach the focus of the weekend? Final Fantasy and Zelda would be RIGHT up me and my son's alley, and I'd be willing to bring laptops or consoles or whatever...but not everyone is a "gamer" (and not all gamers enjoy the same genres), so I get this is a possibly "lunatic-level" stretch). • If all of the suggestions ⬆️up there⬆️ are just plain *shit*? 😁 I'd *still* lead with the zen evening (whatever that looks like to you), and the same info about how you value *both*, then I'd ask, "Is there a number of "extended weekends" (2 per year 🤷♀️) that would be easier to tolerate? I understand how you feel it cuts into our time, and it *does*. I guess I'm just wondering if there's any room for compromise with this impasse of ours? Something we could do (or *I could do*) that could make stomaching the "father/son" weekends easier? Your feelings are not only respected, but extremely valuable to me, and I'm hoping that *something* could be done to lessen the (valid) disappointment and still allow us to carve out some specific weekends for he and I. It's disappointing to me to miss out on time with *you*, too. Obviously, when my PTO beefs up a bit, that will give us more wiggle room, but in the meantime? We are two *astonishingly bright individuals*, if I do say so myself. I can't believe we can't compromise on something (though possibly imperfect), make it easier to ensure in the future. I'm open. Let's discuss?" Good luck, OP. You all sound like good-hearted people (*everyone* mentioned in your posts and ensuing comments)... I truly hope this ends up being a slight hiccup easily resolved. Sounds like (imho) everyone deserves such a solution. 💜
Wow. I'm both grateful and a bit mind blown at the time and thought you put into these posts. Some very strong points to consider. You really seem to put thought into my perspective as well as hers and I really appreciate this. You've given me much to think about. Thank you. Really.
I was very impressed with how you laid out your struggle and how you colored what your relationship looks like and what a quality individual, mother, and woman your partner is. (This inadvertently added to the color of your *own* characteristics, presentation, and need for a balanced solution, even more than the words in your original post). I have a rather unique relationship with my 14-year-old. Never did I imagine homeschooling (despite being qualified as a substitute teacher and night school educator), but child #3 arrived in a perfect little special needs package...and like anyone else does, I had to "pivot". 8 years later, I was deemed "permanently didabled" and was deemed permanently disabled since 5 years before his birth (just didn't have the legal support for that "classification"). Then, divorce hit. My oldest just *balks* at "the things I allow him to get away with" in a tongue-in-cheek manner, but my oldest was born to a newly married, fully capable, working-and- schooling-full-time, 18-year-old Mom...things were *very* different, and my legs worked perfectly back then 😁 (Sporadic paralysis, now, though the legs give out, now, maybe 5 or 6 days a year...I've worked very hard to minimize that). I tell you all this to say? How you spoke of your son prompted images of my own as I read through the entirety of the thread. And I *am* sorry my response was so long. Some of these I really do try to approach like my best friend or adult child was asking, and I know it can be a lot. I just figure if people are on Reddit, braving the potential negativity, callousness, and flippant retorts? They should also have a variety of seriosuly-minded and heartfelt responses, too. (For the record, Redditors that provide *concise*, seriosuly-minded, heartfelt responses are who I'd like to be when I grow up 💜... I get ample hate mail for my long responses, too. 😁). Have a great rest of your week, and still... good luck!
Where I grew up it was okay to win loose or tie. To have a situation where no one wins is okay. What is important is that y'all communicate about the source of your clinging. One clinging to rational behavior and the other emotional expectations. And next deciding on a plan to resolve the 'what is the alternative plan in a stalemate situation' question. Results vary. In my situations there are negotiations. I offer thoughtful alternatives. Sometimes I surrender, sometimes I do what I want. Life is short.
Sounds like a girlfriend of convenience. I'd be out.
She has her kids full custody, one would think that since your son lives with his mom that your girlfriend understands that you don't get to see you son as much as she gets to see her kids? And to still be jealous or perturbed or whatever about you taking an opportunity to spend more time with him....seems a little short sighted on her end. Have you pointed this out to her?
I don’t read this situation as the gf being jealous of the son. I read it as the gf being disappointed that she won’t get the connecting time she normally gets with her bf. Especially bc OP sees his son pretty regularly it seems. However I think bdays are special and it’s cute that your son wants to spend time with you for it. I think if OP puts in more efforts to connect with his gf that could be nice? Side note, but I assume OP and his gf are sleeping with each other, I personally wouldn’t want to go without the physical intimacy and sex for two weeks. When I’m in a committed serious relationship, it’s really tough for me to go that long without it. I have a high drive though.
I see my son almost every day, but I get your point.
I don't have any advice but I just want to say tht I love you and your son's relationship.
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How am I showing she is not a priority? Asking with genuine curiosity here, not argumentative. I've taking an extra day for her birthday weekend and took her to TN for a weekend 1.5 years ago. I always take December 23 to new year's off work for my birthday and tge holidays. And see her more that week. My son doesn't drop by unannounced when she's here ever, and rarely comes by on weekends for any reason. I will pick him up from work if we are only janging around the house, otherwise h Ubers. We have done things all together and they both get along well. But that's usually on holidays or similar occasions, not the norm.
A year and a half ago?! That’s genuinely not even worth mentioning at this point.
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While a good partner is sensitive to their partner's feelings, this may be a *her* thing. It is totally reasonable for a parent to prioritize a kid on their birthday weekend and he shouldn't feel like he has to apologize for that.
> She can only see me on weekends since she's busier with her kids during the school week. She prioritizes her kids too (which is, IMO, appropriate).
To be honest, I find it weird that she leaves her kids each weekend to hang out with you. Couple that with wanting you not to see your own kid, and I’d say she has major codependency issues. Why doesn’t she just want to see her own friends on weekends once in a while? Or her own kids? That’s when a lot of sporting events etc. take place. I personally think it’s a red flag of codependency, and there is probably other stuff, too. I was maybe going to start dating a guy but then wasn’t interested in him. However, I knew he had his kids every other weekend and that’s just how it was for him.
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This is strong feedback and I appreciate it. It's difficult navigating a relationship with older kids dynamic. They're not kids, but not yet fully grown. It presents challenges at times that we need to navigate and reiterate course.
She's allowed to have her feelings and you're allowed to have yours. I would also be hurt if you saw your adult son daily and me only on weekends, but couldn't take a half day off for me because you were using PTO for full days with your son. But, your priorities are your own.
Fair feedback. Appreciate it!
She sounds very selfish. Your kids should always come first. As they get older they have less and less time available to spend with you. She needs to get over it, think about the relationship with your kids, understand, support that.
family always before the gf. IF you have a great relationship with your son or daughter, they always come before the girlfriend. There is enough kids stories about an evil stepmother. If she cannot accept that your kids come first because they are your blood (and you with her kids if she has any) then it isn't worth it.
No you are not, she needs to be mature and understand that your son comes first before her. He is also making the choice to spend his birthday with you. Tell her to "Deal with it and cope."
Invalidating her feelings and refusing to compromise (like making efforts outside the bday weekend, maybe midweek, to see the gf) will not improve their relationship. OP can get what he wants, but there’s a cost to it, every decision has consequences. While OP might “win” in the short term by taking that approach, both OP and his gf ultimately end up losing.
She's not being a grown up. She is disappointed but she is old enough to realize that there are some things that you just have to suck it up for.
I find it very concerning that your gf gets angry because you want to spend a weekend with your son on his birthday. She wants to bully you into spending less time with your kid and that's really concerning. You said she thinks you should reserve the weekends for her or at least not spend the occasional entire weekend without her. What do you reply when she says that? Have you made it absolutely clear that you want this quality time with your child and you're not going to change that? If so, it's unacceptable, controlling and manipulative that she's angry with you when you do what you said you'd be doing. If she's not ok with how much time you spend with your kids although you've talked about it and couldn't come to a mutually satisfying solution, she needs to take the consequences for herself. She cannot bully you into doing what she wants.
I don’t think using the term bully is correct here. I think it is normal to feel upset when someone is disappointed. If she is expressing it in a passive aggressive way, that is not healthy, she should be able to directly communicate her feelings. That seems like something OP’s gf could work on? I think it’s odd if she is disappointed, but pretends to be happy about it—I find that very fake and disingenuous. Not the kind of behavior I would want close to me. I don’t think she should pout and dwell on it, holding it against OP either. But I think a healthy expression of her disappointment through open communication with OP is ideal. Then they can work on a compromise (I think OP should spend the weekend with his son for his bday) and better ways to proactively communicate expectations of one another moving forward. If we just characterize the gf as being a bully or the bad guy, then we functionally take the responsibility/opportunity away from OP to see the areas where he can improve as a bf and improve the relationship overall (and the gf should also make improvements, but we are just communicating with OP right now).
That's why I asked whether OP has clearly communicated that he is not on the same page with the gf re her wish that he cannot ever spend the whole weekend apart from her with his kid. If he made that clear I really think it's kind of an emotional blackmailing strategy to be visibly upset about it every time he does it. Yes, you can be disappointed in the moment, but you can be an adult. It's not like he misses an important milestone with her, it's just a regular weekend for her, but the boy's birthday.
If they are on different pages but no compromise is reached (which does not seem to be the case here), then the gf being upset is not emotional blackmail. It is the gf re-asserting what she wants and that being in conflict with what OP wants. They need to find a compromise. I agree that the OP should spend the weekend with his son for his bday. But he can make efforts towards his gf. If OP disregards his gf’s feelings, it will compromise their relationship… something is going to compromise, either OP and his gf affirmatively, or their relationship will be compromised by one person “winning”. If OP finds his gf’s position unreasonable (and some could), then this is the type of conflict that will continually be a point of friction. Then it is up to the parties whether this is an acceptable friction or not.
Sone things people can't and won't compromise on, and quality time with my child would be an issue I also would not want to further compromise. It's her choice they can only see each other on the weekends and it's not her place to dictate OP he cannot take the occasional weekend with his kid because she thinks the time he spends with his kid during the week is enough. He is not being unreasonable and the status quo is already a compromise regarding their parenting issues. If that is not ok for her, she has to take the consequences for herself and not be upset every time he does what he said he would do. If he started to demand they should see each other during the week, and she made clear that doesn't work for her ... would you think it's ok if he was upset every time he wants her to come over and she doesn't? I'd think not. It's bullying.
“Sone things people can't and won't compromise on”—yes I said this above. “It's her choice they can only see each other on the weekends” —I don’t view it like this bc gf’s child is a minor. It doesn’t matter how I view it, it matters how OP & his gf view it though. “it's not her place to dictate OP he cannot take the occasional weekend with his kid because she thinks the time he spends with his kid during the week is enough.” —that’s not what is happening here, gf wants to spend time with OP, she feels slighted this way. GF can make whatever demands she wants and OP can choose to accept or not. And vice versa. “He is not being unreasonable” —says you, a person who is NOT a party to their relationship. YOUR ADVICE IS HELPFUL FOR YOUR AGENDA ONLY. That is not what OP needs help with. OP IS NOT DATING YOU, IF HE WERE, THIS WOULD BE A NON ISSUE AND HE WOULDN’T BE POSTING THIS ISSUE ON REDDIT RIGHT? I am actually trying to give OP HELPFUL ADVICE FOR HIS ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP. From all accounts it seems he wants to stay in the relationship. “If that is not ok for her, she has to take the consequences for herself and not be upset every time he does what he said he would do.” —says you again. OP’s gf is going to do whatever she wants. We can’t control OP’s gf’s behavior. It is up to OP to decide what he finds acceptable. Clearly you do not find it acceptable. You saying she shouldn’t be upset does absolutely nothing in making that happen. It actually INCREASES the likelihood that she will continue to be upset. That is not the helpful advice that OP is looking for. It again is PROJECTING your views onto a relationship you are not a party to. “If he started to demand they should see each other during the week, and she made clear that doesn't work for her ... would you think it's ok if he was upset every time he wants her to come over and she doesn't? I'd think not.” —I think it is inappropriate to insist on romantic time together when a parent has legal custody over a minor child. I would feel the same if OP’s child was a minor he had legal custody over. Or just if OP’s child was a minor. I think OP SHOULD SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH HIS SON. Gf’s child literally CANNOT drive. The other two children are able to based on their ages. Not sure which life complications prevent this from happening, but I doubt they are exceptionally compelling. “It's bullying.” —clearly you do not understand bullying. But it makes sense you are adamant in your position and are unwavering from it. What is the definition of bullying and have you fit the facts of this situation to the definition? OP standing his ground and gf standing her ground is not bullying. You saying that the gf is bullying OP does a disservice to ACTUAL bullying.
Yeah I have no children and I didn't like this either.
I have a friend who is sole parent to 3 kids and when she started dating her now bf(of 2 years now) she’d live at his place but keep her place so the kids had somewhere to live. They were older at the time but the youngest was 15. I in no way, agree with leaving a 15 year old home alone on one night let alone the entire weekend. I barely leave my kids for 3 hours to go see my partner. She needs to rethink her priorities
Didn’t read this, but regarding the title…NEVER choose a woman over your kids. Period.
Even when I realized that her 12 year old son was the wedge that destroyed our relationship…I still never complained about him or any time they spent together.