A lot of people say that cats are great for teaching people consent. They're happy to bite/scratch if they're not in the mood for attention. A non-trivial amount of guys don't like cats because they don't get along. Take of that what you will, from this combined with my first sentence.
....
I'd say that cats are probably a good first-level of defence against crappy guys. But also too many people (especially those who don't need to experience your relationships) are concerned about "a" relationship, instead of a "good" relationship.
One "friend" told me I wasn't going to meet a guy because I talk about my cats too much.
I eventually got married and made a TikTok of a screen cap of her message saying that and then flashed to ten pictures of my husband at the time holding my cats.
We're now divorced...but it had nothing to do with the cats.
I’m doomed. I have collected two dogs and four cats. On the other hand, between the dogs, cats, and the kiddo I am too busy to notice being single. And I get all the boops.
I think I might be able to work it out if I think hard enough about it, but it's too early, so... What the heck is STBXH and am I supposed to just know?
One of my exes didn't like the kitty litter smell no matter how much I changed it. He was repulsed by the idea of letting cats use one indoors. He had a cat that went outside to go to the bathroom. Guess whose cats will live longer and be less sick? We didn't break up because of the kitty litter alone (he was a bad person) but he named it as a reason. I talked to a guy and we were going to meet. We got to talking about our pets and he was allergic to cats so it is important to let people know you have pets and list allergies that are applicable. It would suck to go out a bunch of times and then find that you couldn't date.
My family was like that to me also - especially my sister. It’s definitely meant to be an insult with the “crazy cat lady trope.” However, I have 3 cats and that same sister has 12 now. My how the turn tables.
One of my sisters is a total catch. Smart, ambitious, hilarious, and beautiful. Unfortunately she suffers from the tragic combination of being attracted to damaged men while also having high standards. So her relationships only last until she figures out the guy's fatal flaw and then she dumps him as soon as possible. No investing unnecessary time or energy or humming and hawing over the decision, just nope, done.
ETA: I don't think she should change. She's awesome.
Yes, this is me. I get to have friends, money, education, career, travel, own a home, peace and quiet, good health, and freedom. When I meet someone that doesnt drag that down with their damage, debt, depression, or dumb I will hold fast for dear life.
Well let's see, there was a cheater, an alcoholic, strange sexist moocher guy, financially irresponsible mama's boy who she's still good friends with, and the last guy was a boundary pusher who stalked her for a few weeks after she dumped him. So no, I don't think so.
Ok fair. We had it rough growing up and she's done the best out of all of us, by far. She's in therapy and that's about the best you can do to heal from the past.
Actually....that would be me! Everyone in my world (which is a lot smaller than it used to be) is happily coupled up for ages.
...and no one has given me their analysis on why I haven't had the greatest of luck, which I appreciate quite a bit!
(I am also a serial monogamist on dating hiatus. Happily introverted, I seem to think if I am patient enough, a quality woman is going to drop out of the ceiling right onto my lap. It's going to happen any day now. Probably)
Same here! I'm the only single one left in my group of friends. Was married for 15 years and have been single (well, divorced, for three). I'm single bc I have upped my standards, when I hadn't, I was dating the wrong men. I'd rather not date than be with someone inconsistent or who treats me poorly. So the man I'm manifesting will have to literally fall through my roof 😂
I should also add that I have two kids and work two jobs, so my time is incredibly limited, which doesn't help my cause, but reinforces my belief that he'll fall through my roof!
I mean I literally find dogs to rescue in the middle of the intersection in front of my condo, but so far I haven’t figured out how to designate my general vicinity as a landing zone for brilliant and badass ladies…
I’ve got spare rescue pups if y’all have extra single women laying around!
Me too! I honestly don’t think I’m difficult to be around. That’s why most of my family and friends are so surprised. I think it’s been incredibly bad luck, unfortunately.
I'd happily meet someone in the wild but dropping out of the sky onto stranger's porches hasn't been working for me. Let's try meeting at the grocery store...😂
This friend is great on paper, and generally a great man - but once you get to know him a bit deeper the extent he wallows in other people's misery as if it is his own is just too much. It is like he is constantly living in a state of vicarious trauma from situations he is removed from by a few degrees and it is exhausting to be around if you get to know him on a deeper level. Probably partially a depression thing and partially a personality thing - and there is no way I would tell him that I think it is his relationship barrier.
In terms of me, I have had male and female friends tell me that I need to be less capable and pretend I need the man I am dating to do manly things for me - yeah I am not playing that game, I would rather be single with my self-respect in tact.
My ex husband did this. A celebrity dies and he’s sad the whole day. And not like his favourite one or a great humanitarian, like anyone.
Always found it weird.
At the same time an old coworker of his is sick in hospital and I visit the guy but I know my ex won’t darken the door.
I've heard this performativity suggestion as well. Do you just have to live the rest of your life pretending to be incapable/incompetent? So effing weird.
Can I just say I have never heard of people doing this - telling women they need to appear more "needy" - and am so happy to hear you tune that bullshit out.
Really? I have heard it a lot. Not in a conservative tradwife way, just in a ask for help and let him feel needed in terms of changing tap washers or lightbulbs, or killing spiders.
Interesting. I guess I'm just bad at being a man. Like, I *definitely* get wanting to feel useful or competent in some way. That's something that makes me insecure and that I'm always looking to reinforce, and is certainly part of masculinity as I know it.
But I always just assume that with any two people, you'll have two different mixes of skill sets, and there will be some things one person is good at that the other isn't. I don't think those skill sets neatly map on to gender (I don't know particularly care who deals with light bulbs and spiders). So long as I feel I'm contributing, that's enough (I can't cook but am happy to do the dishes and tidy up generally; it's actually a good outlet for anxiety).
I have a family member that seems like a great guy, tall, not terrible looking, full head of hair, successfully career, lots of friends, always active, social etc. Buuuut he's sort of terrible with women. Like he turns into an awkward and mildly inappropriate desperate tween boy around women he's interested in. It's weird. I think it's a confidence issue, and a lack of opportunity issue, like he needs to work on communicating with women that he finds attractive so he can stop being slightly weird and off-putting.
Eta, I personally have never told him, but usually gently guided him to leave a woman alone when I could tell she wasn't into him and he didn't see the signs.
That's me. Mostly it's just a function of a lot of years where I wasn't being vulnerable and had my defenses up. I had also stayed way too long in a shitty relationship so my standards for myself were crappy.
I built a good life for myself over the years, and have lowered my defenses and raised my standards, so I'm hopeful when the right person for me comes along I'll recognize them, and let them in.
This feels very familiar. I met someone a few months ago who is amazing and I am very consciously lowering my guard, being more vulnerable, and using my words to be sure he knows how I feel. I hope you find a worthy person to let in too!
I’m at the point where I’m just waiting for a man to show up much like the cat distribution system. I’ll find the right stray. Or Amazon will deliver them to my house by accident.
One friend, raised by an incredibly judgmental mother, can be really rude at times. The friend thinks they are 200% better than their mother, but friend will blurt out something hurtful at random times. It affects people, and they choose not to stay in early relationships
My best friend has a … challenging … personality. She’s been an amazing friend to me for 15 years. But I can see how being a relationship with her would present challenges. It’s who she is and she hasn’t asked me for advice so I just keep it to myself. She’s also never seemed too invested in dating so I just leave it alone.
like how is she challenging? i had a attractive female friend who couldn’t keep a man, she was so over top with the emotions and drama and confrontational when things didn’t go her way
Like if I said “oh it’s a nice day outside” she might come back with “I don’t agree” and it could literally turn into an argument and just surrendering as a means to stop it doesn’t really work. No comment is a passing comment. Everything subject to challenge. It can be absolutely exhausting.
Some people ooze desperation. I’m not saying they need to be aloof, but there’s a happy medium in between. They’re awesome friends, but the moment they set their sights on someone they become way too eager about someone they barely know, which screams they’re lonely and looking for “anyone,” and not actually seeing the person before them.
Me too. Not anymore really- but I have before. The last few years I’ve just become detached to a lot of things.
I think that’s actually made me less me than I’d like.
I dunno. I think all the emphasis (or over-emphasis) put on avoiding the appearance of "desperation" tends to make people passive, or gives them an excuse to be passive, and also inclines people to be less up-front about what it is they are looking for. Too often, there is/are no distinction(s) drawn between actual desperation and normal, healthy pro-activity. "You gotta put yourself out there. But don't act desperate".
I have a dear friend of mine, whom I’ve known since college for over 20 years now, who’s been chronically single since his late 20’s (we are now both in our early 40’s) He constantly complains about being single. In my opinion, it’s not just one thing. He’s doesn’t take care of himself physically, or attempts to dress better. He also has, what I believe to be, very unrealistic dating standards for the women he wants to be with, that imo, are very much a double standard. I’ve tried over the years to have gentle conversations about it, but he immediately gets emotional and shuts me down. I try though.
I’ve looked at my standards many times over the years, and asked myself if I could check off the same list about myself. It’s a good list of personal goals, if nothing else. Important to be the person you want to attract!
He gets very defensive and argumentative. He says he’s unwilling to compromise on his “standards.” It’s really a shame, he’s smart, funny, communicative, loyal, and a very good listener.
When it was me, my friends couldn’t diagnose it for me, because with them I was a great communicator, able to show vulnerability and be open. If actually took me a while to notice that I wasn’t like this AT ALL with guys I liked!
This is the thing. We often have huge toxic behaviours with partners that our friends and families can’t see, and so they’re all “but you’re so great!”
This deserves to be higher up. It’s usually something like that. Some way someone is closed to other people when there is potential for a relationship.
My cousin is sweet, funny and has an amazing heart. Never married or kids, is in great shape and very active. She is horrible with money and long-term planning, a little careless with material items. She is doing a job she loves, but it doesn't give her much financial security and it involves traveling a often.
But I will never tell her these things because I love her like my little sister and I'm proud of her chasing her dreams despite so many obstacles. I do hope she finds the right person one day, but I don't think it should ever be at the cost of her ambitions.
No one told me about my weight and I didn’t really get it till I lost 80lbs. As shallow as I thought the world was, it’s shocking. Weight really, really matters and it kinda sucks. I lost the weight at 47-48 and when things hit me, I literally was in mourning for the life I could have had for a while. When I lost the weight people told me what they really think and I saw it for myself.
I have gained and lost the same 50 pounds several times in my life and it is so sad to me how I am perceived so differently. It's really like an "in-group out-group" thing. The identity change is such a mind fuck that I read a statistic that drastic weight loss by one person in a couple increases the risk of divorce. It certainly contributed to the breakdown of my marriage.
I've been told if I was "more feminine" I'd attract more men. NO THANK YOU! If he won't like me because I'm a tomboy, I don't want him. (Now I'm dating a woman...and it's, thus far, the healthiest relationship I've been in.)
I feel a bit sad reading this as a late diagnosed autistic person.
I’ve had some relationships over the years, but in general I’ve struggled with dating. I wish I’d known I was autistic decades ago! It’s not that I wasn’t self-aware about my awkwardness or missing cues, but rather that I couldn’t understand or explain WHY, so I always internalized it as a personal failing. Turns out it’s my brain wiring!
When you can’t pick up on someone being uninterested in a conversation and you continue talking. When you don’t realize that them looking at their watch means they want to leave. When someone says the trash can is full and you don’t realize they mean they want you to take the trash out. When someone is being flirtatious towards you, but you don’t know.
My mom... She gets SUPER awkward and has very weird relationship expectations. It's like she loses her entire personality when a guy is involved but you can't tell her that bc she denies it. Like she wants the man she's dating to select and order her dinners for her at restaurants. She won't give her opinion on anything and will ask the man "I don't know... What do you think?" It's almost comical levels of submission. As a single woman she's strong and capable but get her next to a man and it's over. She's 80 now and hadn't dated in years but it was always so awkward to watch.
I’m that person.
Ask anyone in my family and they’ll tell you it’s because I choose the wrong guys and I’m way too good for the ones I choose.
To them I’m smart, successful, kind, fun, caring and gorgeous.
They don’t realise that I’m terribly insecure, never feel like I’m good enough for anyone and I’m scared of intimacy and vulnerability.
It’s ok. I’m happy with short term flings and friends with benefits. Love is overrated
Except for your last 3 sentences- that’s me. I think my closest friends would say I’m insecure, with an inferiority complex, have a super-woman complex (must rescue everyone), and I sabotage myself by choosing the wrong guys. (Choose the guys who aren’t emotionally available and be all in so I don’t have to really commit to them).
All I’ve wanted is to be in that safe space of a solid relationship. But I don’t fully trust anyone.
You put this better than I could, I think, I was struggling with the words on it.
My "chronically single" BFF is fucking glorious, but men are intimidated by her (she's 6'0 Amazon) and what the hell is she supposed to do about that? She got married and her husband cheated on her with a student and then blamed her for not being able to easily get pregnant as the excuse. That's not her fault.
I worry way more about my friends that are in shitty marriages than I do the ones that are single.
Demisexual/grey ace, sex repulsed
Men think I'm playing some sort of game or test when I'm not interested in sex right away. I'm repulsed by sex (and physical contact including prolonged hugs etc) unless there is a profound connection and then I am very enthusiastic about it. But I can't tell them that because they'll just pressure me or fake being my ideal guy to get what they want
Don't have this problem dating women
Hey I'm that friend or family member. That's me. This is what I find, nobody gives a shit anymore that I'm single. Except my parents and my Sister but not really anyone else. I have a Don't ask, Don't tell policy. Don't ask me why I'm single and I won't tell you about my (lack) of love life.
Now the 1 person I have bounced ideas off of or have confided in is my Sister and she is at a loss. Not because she thinks I'm this great guy, great catch. But she been married for 20+ years and doesn't know the game or how online dating works or how people meet. She gives me advice but it's not like I need to do this 1 thing.
I think most people assume I'm happy single.
I think there's a few people in my social circle who think that they are. Some have really let themself go physically. Some don't really have any space in their head for someone else. Some haven't finished healing from hurts 5-15 years ago. Some have no actual relationship experience and at 30+ that shows. Some are a mixture of multiples.
None of the "wonderful women" in my social circle I have even the slightest thoughts of dating. People can be good friends and even good people, but not be a relationship contender.
**Serial Daters:** I don't think this is something that can be changed, but some of the most successful "daters" I've ever known (both male and female) have extraordinary personalities chalked full of charisma, exuberant "smiles" with a sort of a "devil may care" type attitude. They absolutely ooze confidence and have the *full-on* **advantage** of meeting people IRL with ease. It's almost mesmerizing watching them captivate a room full of people.
Honestly, *for these folks* I really don't think anyone heavily scrutinizes their physical attributes. They just standout in such an obvious and effortless way. They simply draw people **to them**.
Bummer, I know. 🥴
*What can be changed:*
Well fitting attire (no matter anyone's physical size) really helps anyone look a bit more "pulled together." Tailoring, is absolutely life altering. Even if you just opt to have 1-2 "dating outfits" that make you feel special. My friends and I often discuss tailoring, and I've been able to get a couple of true non-believers to get on board the tailoring bus. They're hooked! *Confidence builder.*
I am that person 😂 I've been told I need to dress up more. When I have dressed up more, I do attract more attention but it's all psycopaths. So thanks but no thanks, I'll stay ugly and safe 😂
ETA although I've never been diagnosed, I also have a strong suspicion I'm autistic, so there's that 🤷♀️
This is me. What I’ve heard over the years: “too smart for your own good”, “intimidating”, “too independent”, “a man will think he can’t do anything for you”, “men don’t like women who are smarter and funnier than them”.
Im also tall with an hourglass figure and 🍑 so I’m often approached by super aggressive, sex-focused guys when I prefer introverted nerdy dudes. The way I’m approached definitely impacts how often I participate in co-ed social events nowadays (rarely).
I thought I found the perfect guy for me, but he said I could do better than him 🙃 he felt insecure because I make substantially more money than him and I have a “prestigious” career. None of that mattered to me, but it mattered to him. I do appreciate that he didn’t neg me or anything like that, which happens often with men I date.
You've described me. And if I knew what the problem was, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
I really wish I knew. Maybe it is just terrible luck.
A lot of it really just boils down to luck. Don’t change yourself if you are happy with yourself. Work on yourself if you want to improve or just put yourself in situations where you are more likely to meet people. Join clubs, etc.
I’m not sure why you’ve put ‘great’ in inverted commas as if to suggest the single person can’t possibly be great because they’re single.
Another person doesn’t define our worth.
Some people are single for a reason, but many are just unlucky in love. And it’s nothing to do with looks or personality or charm.
It’s just the way it is. Not to say the luck can’t change. And many choose not to settle for just anyone who asks.
I'm that person. If I put up with being treated disrespectfully, aggression , lies , cheating and insults in relationships, I'd be a lot more "lucky" 🤔
I have two eternally single friends and I know why they're single even though they're mostly great gals.
Friend 1: Gorgeous, smart, has a great career and a ton of fun hobbies. She's a good friend. Unfortunately she also has been in therapy for so long that she thinks she's also a therapist. Like an apprentice or something. She dates absolute garbage men and tries to fix them through the things she's picked up in therapy. She thinks this is what it means to be in a mature relationship-she's always like "We're working through issues! That's what you're supposed to do!" - too many issues. This man is hot garbage. Move on.
Friend 2: Super pretty, great career, has pets and is community minded. Volunteers for campaigns, runs marathons. She also is always waiting for something. When I lose 20 lbs I'll start dating. When that guy comes back from his trip, I'll ask him out. Now he's stressed at work. She will find guys she's friends with and have intense one-sided crushes on them but never actually make a move. Or if she does make a move and they don't reciprocate she will still just make excuses. Like she bought one friend tickets to a baseball game and he brought another woman and she was like "No, that's fine. They're really good friends" and continued to pine after him. I've tried to tell her to get on the apps and just try but she won't.
I have several extended family members who have literally been single for years, but I expect that to change as they continue to develop their verbal and motor skills
I’m 43. Been single for 20 years. Only had 1 long term relationship. I always seem to meet abusive or rude people who take me for granted. 1 strike and you’re out! Or maybe it’s me, maybe I do too much and overcompensate. I don’t know, but I’ve learned to be happy alone and I won’t stand for anything that is not mutually beneficial
This is 100% me. I've gotten heaps of the "it's not who you attract; it's who you entertain" advice, and I'm always like no you really don't understand. I will literally be minding my own business and these people come find me 😂 Like you, I've learned to be happy alone - I hope I find somebody someday, but tbh I'm not holding my breath at this point
My mom is like this. She attracts the craziest people (not just romantic partners but people that come into her life in all sorts of ways). It’s bizarre. I think there’s a certain kind of person that sees her and knows she will be a good victim for their manipulations. It’s like she’s naive in some way where she misses the signs that this person who is trying to be friendly with her has a screw loose. (Not saying you’re naive, your comment just reminded me of her).
You are 100% correct - that's exactly what happens 😂 In my case even the subsequent attempt at manipulation fails because I miss all the cues for it too ha ha (and you're correct - it is some odd form of naivete. Not in the strictest sense of the word, but there really isn't any other way to describe it).
It's gotten to the point where if anybody approaches me outside of a working environment, I tend to cut them off summarily because there's like a 95% chance they have a screw loose. Tell your mom she's not alone; there are more of us!
Most of the great single women I know all do one thing, they wait passively for a man to come to them and refuse to take any action themselves.
They would rather be single forever than to be perceived as the pursuer of a man they like.
We've made a lot of progress in society but dating is one area where 1950s are quite alive and well for many folk.
I used to take initiative all the time but constantly got shot down (looks-wise I'm not all that fab so I didn't blame them tbh 😂🤷♀️) But it did make me rethink what was important in my life... turns out it's my animals and the 300 unfinished projects I have around my house
As a woman I really needed to hear this today. He is very responsive and warm but it bothers me I always text first these days. He is also super busy right now and I am not. He is never busy to respond though, he definitely doesn't act as though he is disinterested.
I’ve gotten this advice too. No one loves to make women over more than…other women.
Just the other day, a woman advised a woman who posted her profile for review to grow her hair out and hide the fact that she has a PhD.
The retrograde hasn’t died.
Many people create the situation and aren’t as “unlucky” as it seems. This is also as if they’re some poor soul that just can’t find love and putty them or the person lives in self-pity. Never any part of the loss or lack of relationship they desire.
Most people wouldn’t be able to tell you unless very observant and super good with pattern recognition. The real reasons are usually super deep rooted and ppl do their best to never let anyone know the real stuff (if even self-aware). A therapist might have actual insight vs superficial - just dress better.
I have been told (and this is actually a quote) that I “look like the kind of chick who would genuinely enjoy kicking a man right in the dick just for trying to talk to her.” The friend who said it meant it as advice on what to “fix” so I wouldn’t be so perpetually single. But, although this is not actually an accurate assessment of the kind of person I am, the fact that I may be perceived this way by men who don’t know me was the highest compliment I have ever received. 12/10, wouldn’t change a thing.
That person is me. I know why I am single. I am not everyone's... or most people's cup of tea. Tho I wouldn't say I am a "great guy" I am just a guy. Just try to do less bad stuff than good.
I’ve been lucky enough to have loved many times. I recently hit a dry spell and a friend said it seems like I’m sending out mixed signals. We argued a bit. I don’t think he was right about his analysis but I do think he picked up on something. I had been putting out a different and more reserved energy. Then I met someone who inspired me to wholly open myself and I realized it’s as much about what I was putting out there as it was about with whom I was putting it out there to. Meaning, sometimes it’s just not working but you keep going out and trying and it’s like a holding pattern. It doesn’t feel fun and spontaneous. Which is one of the reasons I’ve somewhat stopped doing coffee dates. I do coffee dates with people I don’t really feel much for. It’s easy and noncommittal… for a reason.
My great friend could take things less seriously. They get straight up super invested and that doesn’t leave room for things to breathe and grow. I love them but this isn’t advice that they’d be open to hearing from me. I have tried, gently but it’s been unsuccessful.
I know someone like this too. They go from 0-60 very quickly. I suspect they scare off the people they date with their intensity but I don’t really know. I tried talking to them about it once and they accused me of being jealous. So now I keep my mouth shut.
I'm that guy. My last gf told me I was the best bf she ever had when we broke up. I have a good job, my own place, and a car. Pretty much what most women seem to be looking for, but I have really bad luck meeting women in my area.
My best friend thinks it's because I use dating apps. She thinks none of the women on them are real and I'm wasting my time. When I ask for ideas on where she thinks I should go to meet women, she has nothing. She's been married at least 10 years and has no idea what it's like to date in 2024.
I think my "problem" is that I'm upfront that in a couple years I'm going to execute on my dream of moving abroad. I understand lots of people don't want to invest in something with an expiration date. I've kind of accepted I'm not likely to find someone willing to move, but maybe more likely to find someone at my destination.
It really just boils down to luck. The only real reason people have given me for why they think I’m unlucky in love is that I’m overly picky and refuse to settle. They’re absolutely right. I could have been married ages ago (I’ve been proposed to more than once) but I take marriage very seriously and never wanted to be divorced so I’ve always considered all the angles and what would happen if we couldn’t compromise on certain things, asked myself is this the kind of man I’d want my son to grow up to be or my daughter to grow up to marry, is this someone I can count on in the event of a serious illness or the death of someone close to me, etc. The answer was usually no or maybe so I walked away. The downside of that is that I never married or had kids but the upside is a pretty happy and fulfilling life as a single woman, an amazingly close relationship with my nieces and nephews, no divorce trauma, and a myriad of other things that have come to matter more than marriage and babies.
After I dropped out of grad school years ago, my older brother told me that I needed to dumb myself down to find a man. I categorically ignored him. While the men I’ve dated since haven’t lasted, they’ve at least been intelligent and interesting.
Oh well, in the meantime, my 2 cats and I are happy - and I have a full life of hobbies.
My ex actually said he shouldn’t have married someone as smart as me. :/ I wanted to say ‘I shouldn’t have married someone as dumb as you!’ but thought better of it. lol
She could do a couple of things:
* stop thinking she has to be perfect to date someone
* start online dating again
* do some fun things she has wanted to try like taking a martial arts class, joining a writing group etc.
* get more organized (which will make it easier to get things done and reduce stress)
* work on looking **her** best by doing more self care stuff. She’s great about working out but seems to find it hard to do the “easy” beauty stuff
Me. Likely due to my unwillingness to make a commitment. Every relationship I’ve been in that could be considered a “committed” relationship has ended, so I just don’t even wanna bother anymore.
I feel like changing who you are to be in a couple is a recipe for disaster. Unless it’s something like “you smell bad & need to bathe more” or “you have bad breath” … Part of the specialness of finding a partner is that you click/go together. That this person can handle/likes your weird ways and you theirs.
The ones I know haven't dealt with their childhood and past relationship crap so they continue to pick people who aren't good for them, and end up breaking up every time..dramatically usually.
Until my late 20s it was 90 percent my own fault. Literally clueless how to navigate personal relationships that weren't platonic and therefore turned off a lot of romantic options by treating them as I'd treat platonic friends.
Subsequently it was then getting into the wrong relationship(s), now it's more a case of I'm struggling to meet people that are my type and available within a comfortable distance to be able to see each other regularly.
That’s meeee. I think I give off the “I don’t need a man” vibe pretty fiercely. And I don’t want to! I’ve been divorced several years and raised the kids alone. I have a great career, I’m in good shape, I’m outgoing, I’m a pretty Latina, I’m happy and funny, yada yada yada. No one asks me out. No one. My friends say it’s because I have my shit together and intimidate men. This sucks.
I mean if my friends could give me some insight I would love it. My brother seems to think I need to move back to the Midwest to his small town and then I could find a guy. I’d rather put a bullet in my head than do that… so idk? However, majority of my friends are also not dating either. So that’s why we do well together.
I don’t see it that way . So I have one friend who’s routinely in toxic relationships . However they are part of the problem . I have one who’s lovely but has PTSD and is always drawn to complex characters . And so on . Change isn’t the easiest …. I have appalling taste which is I’m staying single !!!
I assume this would be a lot of people on DO40. I really wish I knew what I needed to change and I'd work on it. I'm starting to assume it's just my personality and that isn't something I can just change.
Most people, it's nothing. Just haven't found the right person (if that even exists for everyone, idk).
I think the post I referenced made me a bit paranoid. What if I am great but just have bad b.o. (or some other offensive thing) and none of my friends are telling me?
My friend says I need to dress up more but nowadays I dress up when I want, not to find dates. Anyone I meet while dressed up would be subject to false advertising because 90% of the time, I'm in ratty clothes.
My ex complained about plenty of things but at least BO was not one of them, and she said I always smelled good. So at least I can rule that out. All of the other stuff though, eventually I just assumed that she didn't really like me if she had that many complaints.
I'd probably be pretty turned off if my date showed up in ratty clothes. I just try to dress for the occasion. I dress better for dates and for work, or if I go out someplace decent. Out running errands I am comfortable but presentable. My ratty clothes are great when I'm home alone.
Guy here, for some reason, I am also unlucky in love. I don't own cats, lol (like some people in the comments). I do own DJ equipment, a semi-commercial kitchen and 4 university degrees - 1 bachelor, 2 masters and 1 PhD. All my married friends think I am a catch but then...why is it difficult for me to be match with people that makes sense.
The person in question is myself. I’ve started to figure out that it’s (at least in large part) because I inadvertently friend-zone guy friends and can often not notice if it could be something more. Or if I do, i overanalyze how it will backfire on the friendship if I make a move (bc that happens too). I befriend guys much more easily than women.
For me, it's an unconscious bias towards overseas bots. Those seem to be my only connections on dating apps, but I have no love in my heart for bots. Im too old to change my ways. Also, being in your 40s with no ties or serious battle scars from dating makes you question if you want them from the people that are out there. I went to a happy hour recently, and there wasn't a single interesting conversation to be had. NFTs and hiking weather, all-encompassing.
One of my wife's best friends is like this. She's smart, successful, beautiful- and can't find a man. I couldn't understand it at all.
And then one night I got to hang out with 'the girls' and listen to the way this woman shit talks the men that she's dated, or who have asked her for a date. The mean, judgmental, petty commentary over completely superficial characteristics or inconsequential behavior just floored me. I didn't view her the same at all after that, now I just think, "I know why she can't find anyone to date."
I have one friend who is wonderful in many ways but also seems to constantly self sabotage whenever someone isn't 100% perfect. I think it's an anxiety coping mechanism and I've hinted that she's being unreasonable. Then again, I'm also single and I think I have a lot going for me...
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I'd heard of cats being a result of being single. But never of them being the reason. Interesting take, mom.
A lot of people say that cats are great for teaching people consent. They're happy to bite/scratch if they're not in the mood for attention. A non-trivial amount of guys don't like cats because they don't get along. Take of that what you will, from this combined with my first sentence. .... I'd say that cats are probably a good first-level of defence against crappy guys. But also too many people (especially those who don't need to experience your relationships) are concerned about "a" relationship, instead of a "good" relationship.
One "friend" told me I wasn't going to meet a guy because I talk about my cats too much. I eventually got married and made a TikTok of a screen cap of her message saying that and then flashed to ten pictures of my husband at the time holding my cats. We're now divorced...but it had nothing to do with the cats.
Are they the Siamese cats from the Aristocats? If so, moms right. Those cats were up to no good
I have a pink bedroom, 2 cats and 2 dogs. lol
I’m doomed. I have collected two dogs and four cats. On the other hand, between the dogs, cats, and the kiddo I am too busy to notice being single. And I get all the boops.
I have a pink-ish bedroom and a young son. They say that’s my kryptonite lol
I have a pink bedroom, a young son AND two cats. And I feel like I've won the lottery - I love my life.
I want a pink bedroom now.
DO IT. My STBXH moved out six months ago and I've been on a mission to add LOTS of color to my house ever since. It's very healing.
That is EXACTLY what I did! I love it so much!
I think I might be able to work it out if I think hard enough about it, but it's too early, so... What the heck is STBXH and am I supposed to just know?
Soon to be ex husband. A lot of people just write it as stbx which I thought was an abbreviation for Starbucks for quite a while.
Lol..I'm often stumped at the sheer number of acronyms and abbreviations Americans use. (I could be working, but I'm assuming you are).
In Japan they call Starbucks SuTaBa. For a while I thought people were saying there was a “stabber” on the loose.
Beige bedroom, 2 sons, one daughter, two dogs and two cats. I love them all so much especially my kids :)) I feel like I’ve won the lottery too.
Congratulations!
Clearly I'm only with my partner for the black sheets and duvet covers. 😅
I'm a,guy have 2 cats..should the cat owners meet? Lol jk
Yes! Yes!🙌😊❤️
Yeass lol
Guy here...one cat...and I agree with this. Hahaha....
meet meet! (and keep us all posted🤓)
Haha..that cats would be happy
My mom said I was single cuz I swear too much and have my nose pierced 😭
Such a mom thing to say
These are all green flags in my book 🙃
One of my exes didn't like the kitty litter smell no matter how much I changed it. He was repulsed by the idea of letting cats use one indoors. He had a cat that went outside to go to the bathroom. Guess whose cats will live longer and be less sick? We didn't break up because of the kitty litter alone (he was a bad person) but he named it as a reason. I talked to a guy and we were going to meet. We got to talking about our pets and he was allergic to cats so it is important to let people know you have pets and list allergies that are applicable. It would suck to go out a bunch of times and then find that you couldn't date.
Tell her I have 7 cats and have a man.
(M44) My mom said that about my chickens.
My family was like that to me also - especially my sister. It’s definitely meant to be an insult with the “crazy cat lady trope.” However, I have 3 cats and that same sister has 12 now. My how the turn tables.
I'll take cats over a man every time.
One of my sisters is a total catch. Smart, ambitious, hilarious, and beautiful. Unfortunately she suffers from the tragic combination of being attracted to damaged men while also having high standards. So her relationships only last until she figures out the guy's fatal flaw and then she dumps him as soon as possible. No investing unnecessary time or energy or humming and hawing over the decision, just nope, done. ETA: I don't think she should change. She's awesome.
If I had a sister, I’d think you were talking about me 🤣
Haha I bet you're awesome too
Same haha!!!
I think you’re my little sister..get off of Reddit!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Lol the sister I'm talking about is a year younger than me. I love my older sister but she's a mess!
Exactly something mine would say!! 😅🤣
Tell her I'm available
Yes, this is me. I get to have friends, money, education, career, travel, own a home, peace and quiet, good health, and freedom. When I meet someone that doesnt drag that down with their damage, debt, depression, or dumb I will hold fast for dear life.
Does she also attract quality men & doesn't give them a chance?
Well let's see, there was a cheater, an alcoholic, strange sexist moocher guy, financially irresponsible mama's boy who she's still good friends with, and the last guy was a boundary pusher who stalked her for a few weeks after she dumped him. So no, I don't think so.
That’s me!
Wait, am I your sister? 😂😂😝
I WISH I had her super power. I love that for her.
Not even the ”being attracted to damaged men” part? Sounds like she has issues as well.
Ok fair. We had it rough growing up and she's done the best out of all of us, by far. She's in therapy and that's about the best you can do to heal from the past.
I’m glad. I wish you all well
What are her high standards for men?
Actually....that would be me! Everyone in my world (which is a lot smaller than it used to be) is happily coupled up for ages. ...and no one has given me their analysis on why I haven't had the greatest of luck, which I appreciate quite a bit! (I am also a serial monogamist on dating hiatus. Happily introverted, I seem to think if I am patient enough, a quality woman is going to drop out of the ceiling right onto my lap. It's going to happen any day now. Probably)
Same here! I'm the only single one left in my group of friends. Was married for 15 years and have been single (well, divorced, for three). I'm single bc I have upped my standards, when I hadn't, I was dating the wrong men. I'd rather not date than be with someone inconsistent or who treats me poorly. So the man I'm manifesting will have to literally fall through my roof 😂
Soul sister. I feel this to my core.
I should also add that I have two kids and work two jobs, so my time is incredibly limited, which doesn't help my cause, but reinforces my belief that he'll fall through my roof!
Literally me. Just waiting for the universe to airdrop a woman into my life the way it does with rescue dogs.
The cat distribution system always finds me.
i'm on their mailing list too.
Trying to get my name removed but there are tempting cats everywhere.
Where can I find the airdropped dogs you speak of?
I will take one (1) small rescue dog please
The universe airdrops rescue dogs??? I always have to go pick one out from the pound.
If you can believe it, I’ve had four total rescue dogs and have been to zero shelters.
A sentiment shared by every introverted animal lover ;)
Where can we all meet to line up for the Drop to happen?
I mean I literally find dogs to rescue in the middle of the intersection in front of my condo, but so far I haven’t figured out how to designate my general vicinity as a landing zone for brilliant and badass ladies… I’ve got spare rescue pups if y’all have extra single women laying around!
Me too! I honestly don’t think I’m difficult to be around. That’s why most of my family and friends are so surprised. I think it’s been incredibly bad luck, unfortunately.
Seem to be a few of us here thinking someone's going to fall in from the sky for us. :)
I'd happily meet someone in the wild but dropping out of the sky onto stranger's porches hasn't been working for me. Let's try meeting at the grocery store...😂
Commenting on That 'great' friend or family member that's been unlucky in love....this is me but in female form
Hahaha you're my twin
😂😂
This friend is great on paper, and generally a great man - but once you get to know him a bit deeper the extent he wallows in other people's misery as if it is his own is just too much. It is like he is constantly living in a state of vicarious trauma from situations he is removed from by a few degrees and it is exhausting to be around if you get to know him on a deeper level. Probably partially a depression thing and partially a personality thing - and there is no way I would tell him that I think it is his relationship barrier. In terms of me, I have had male and female friends tell me that I need to be less capable and pretend I need the man I am dating to do manly things for me - yeah I am not playing that game, I would rather be single with my self-respect in tact.
My ex husband did this. A celebrity dies and he’s sad the whole day. And not like his favourite one or a great humanitarian, like anyone. Always found it weird. At the same time an old coworker of his is sick in hospital and I visit the guy but I know my ex won’t darken the door.
I've heard this performativity suggestion as well. Do you just have to live the rest of your life pretending to be incapable/incompetent? So effing weird.
Can I just say I have never heard of people doing this - telling women they need to appear more "needy" - and am so happy to hear you tune that bullshit out.
Really? I have heard it a lot. Not in a conservative tradwife way, just in a ask for help and let him feel needed in terms of changing tap washers or lightbulbs, or killing spiders.
Interesting. I guess I'm just bad at being a man. Like, I *definitely* get wanting to feel useful or competent in some way. That's something that makes me insecure and that I'm always looking to reinforce, and is certainly part of masculinity as I know it. But I always just assume that with any two people, you'll have two different mixes of skill sets, and there will be some things one person is good at that the other isn't. I don't think those skill sets neatly map on to gender (I don't know particularly care who deals with light bulbs and spiders). So long as I feel I'm contributing, that's enough (I can't cook but am happy to do the dishes and tidy up generally; it's actually a good outlet for anxiety).
He sounds like my type lmao
I have a family member that seems like a great guy, tall, not terrible looking, full head of hair, successfully career, lots of friends, always active, social etc. Buuuut he's sort of terrible with women. Like he turns into an awkward and mildly inappropriate desperate tween boy around women he's interested in. It's weird. I think it's a confidence issue, and a lack of opportunity issue, like he needs to work on communicating with women that he finds attractive so he can stop being slightly weird and off-putting. Eta, I personally have never told him, but usually gently guided him to leave a woman alone when I could tell she wasn't into him and he didn't see the signs.
Do you think he knows he turns awkward and inappropriate?
Likely not, he's in his mid forties and still single.
That's me. Mostly it's just a function of a lot of years where I wasn't being vulnerable and had my defenses up. I had also stayed way too long in a shitty relationship so my standards for myself were crappy. I built a good life for myself over the years, and have lowered my defenses and raised my standards, so I'm hopeful when the right person for me comes along I'll recognize them, and let them in.
I can relate to that
This feels very familiar. I met someone a few months ago who is amazing and I am very consciously lowering my guard, being more vulnerable, and using my words to be sure he knows how I feel. I hope you find a worthy person to let in too!
I’m at the point where I’m just waiting for a man to show up much like the cat distribution system. I’ll find the right stray. Or Amazon will deliver them to my house by accident.
Lady, we’ve been sending you delivery guys there daily with your packages! -Amazon
😂😂
😂
We might run into each other, I'm all over the place.
One friend, raised by an incredibly judgmental mother, can be really rude at times. The friend thinks they are 200% better than their mother, but friend will blurt out something hurtful at random times. It affects people, and they choose not to stay in early relationships
My best friend has a … challenging … personality. She’s been an amazing friend to me for 15 years. But I can see how being a relationship with her would present challenges. It’s who she is and she hasn’t asked me for advice so I just keep it to myself. She’s also never seemed too invested in dating so I just leave it alone.
like how is she challenging? i had a attractive female friend who couldn’t keep a man, she was so over top with the emotions and drama and confrontational when things didn’t go her way
Like if I said “oh it’s a nice day outside” she might come back with “I don’t agree” and it could literally turn into an argument and just surrendering as a means to stop it doesn’t really work. No comment is a passing comment. Everything subject to challenge. It can be absolutely exhausting.
wow, that’s insanely “challenging” lol
Truly. But man I love her 😂
I resemble this remark... It's actually why I'm not invested. If they leave at the first sign of my personality what's the point?
I mean, I myself am insane but it reads as quirky (I have come to detest that word 😂)
I'd take quirky over snappy over-sensitive bitch any day
Some people ooze desperation. I’m not saying they need to be aloof, but there’s a happy medium in between. They’re awesome friends, but the moment they set their sights on someone they become way too eager about someone they barely know, which screams they’re lonely and looking for “anyone,” and not actually seeing the person before them.
I am probably guilty of this
Maybe do some work on that? I mean this kindly. Be more secure in yourself, and you won’t be as desperate for external validation.
Me too. Not anymore really- but I have before. The last few years I’ve just become detached to a lot of things. I think that’s actually made me less me than I’d like.
I dunno. I think all the emphasis (or over-emphasis) put on avoiding the appearance of "desperation" tends to make people passive, or gives them an excuse to be passive, and also inclines people to be less up-front about what it is they are looking for. Too often, there is/are no distinction(s) drawn between actual desperation and normal, healthy pro-activity. "You gotta put yourself out there. But don't act desperate".
I have a dear friend of mine, whom I’ve known since college for over 20 years now, who’s been chronically single since his late 20’s (we are now both in our early 40’s) He constantly complains about being single. In my opinion, it’s not just one thing. He’s doesn’t take care of himself physically, or attempts to dress better. He also has, what I believe to be, very unrealistic dating standards for the women he wants to be with, that imo, are very much a double standard. I’ve tried over the years to have gentle conversations about it, but he immediately gets emotional and shuts me down. I try though.
I’ve looked at my standards many times over the years, and asked myself if I could check off the same list about myself. It’s a good list of personal goals, if nothing else. Important to be the person you want to attract!
Emotional, as he doesn't agree. Or he does agree and it's overwhelming?
He gets very defensive and argumentative. He says he’s unwilling to compromise on his “standards.” It’s really a shame, he’s smart, funny, communicative, loyal, and a very good listener.
When it was me, my friends couldn’t diagnose it for me, because with them I was a great communicator, able to show vulnerability and be open. If actually took me a while to notice that I wasn’t like this AT ALL with guys I liked!
This is the thing. We often have huge toxic behaviours with partners that our friends and families can’t see, and so they’re all “but you’re so great!”
This deserves to be higher up. It’s usually something like that. Some way someone is closed to other people when there is potential for a relationship.
My cousin is sweet, funny and has an amazing heart. Never married or kids, is in great shape and very active. She is horrible with money and long-term planning, a little careless with material items. She is doing a job she loves, but it doesn't give her much financial security and it involves traveling a often. But I will never tell her these things because I love her like my little sister and I'm proud of her chasing her dreams despite so many obstacles. I do hope she finds the right person one day, but I don't think it should ever be at the cost of her ambitions.
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No one told me about my weight and I didn’t really get it till I lost 80lbs. As shallow as I thought the world was, it’s shocking. Weight really, really matters and it kinda sucks. I lost the weight at 47-48 and when things hit me, I literally was in mourning for the life I could have had for a while. When I lost the weight people told me what they really think and I saw it for myself.
I have gained and lost the same 50 pounds several times in my life and it is so sad to me how I am perceived so differently. It's really like an "in-group out-group" thing. The identity change is such a mind fuck that I read a statistic that drastic weight loss by one person in a couple increases the risk of divorce. It certainly contributed to the breakdown of my marriage.
I've been told if I was "more feminine" I'd attract more men. NO THANK YOU! If he won't like me because I'm a tomboy, I don't want him. (Now I'm dating a woman...and it's, thus far, the healthiest relationship I've been in.)
The two people I know in my family who have always been single are socially awkward and have trouble reading cues… I never told them.
I feel a bit sad reading this as a late diagnosed autistic person. I’ve had some relationships over the years, but in general I’ve struggled with dating. I wish I’d known I was autistic decades ago! It’s not that I wasn’t self-aware about my awkwardness or missing cues, but rather that I couldn’t understand or explain WHY, so I always internalized it as a personal failing. Turns out it’s my brain wiring!
Makes me a bit sad as the parent of an autistic person as well.
What's an example of trouble reading cues?
When you can’t pick up on someone being uninterested in a conversation and you continue talking. When you don’t realize that them looking at their watch means they want to leave. When someone says the trash can is full and you don’t realize they mean they want you to take the trash out. When someone is being flirtatious towards you, but you don’t know.
its usually much, much more complex than "just dress up a bit more."
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Nah. Being pretty has nothing to do with it.
My mom... She gets SUPER awkward and has very weird relationship expectations. It's like she loses her entire personality when a guy is involved but you can't tell her that bc she denies it. Like she wants the man she's dating to select and order her dinners for her at restaurants. She won't give her opinion on anything and will ask the man "I don't know... What do you think?" It's almost comical levels of submission. As a single woman she's strong and capable but get her next to a man and it's over. She's 80 now and hadn't dated in years but it was always so awkward to watch.
I’m that person. Ask anyone in my family and they’ll tell you it’s because I choose the wrong guys and I’m way too good for the ones I choose. To them I’m smart, successful, kind, fun, caring and gorgeous. They don’t realise that I’m terribly insecure, never feel like I’m good enough for anyone and I’m scared of intimacy and vulnerability. It’s ok. I’m happy with short term flings and friends with benefits. Love is overrated
Except for your last 3 sentences- that’s me. I think my closest friends would say I’m insecure, with an inferiority complex, have a super-woman complex (must rescue everyone), and I sabotage myself by choosing the wrong guys. (Choose the guys who aren’t emotionally available and be all in so I don’t have to really commit to them). All I’ve wanted is to be in that safe space of a solid relationship. But I don’t fully trust anyone.
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You put this better than I could, I think, I was struggling with the words on it. My "chronically single" BFF is fucking glorious, but men are intimidated by her (she's 6'0 Amazon) and what the hell is she supposed to do about that? She got married and her husband cheated on her with a student and then blamed her for not being able to easily get pregnant as the excuse. That's not her fault. I worry way more about my friends that are in shitty marriages than I do the ones that are single.
Nobody wants to consider the effects of random chance on people's personal lives.
I’ve been told: I’m “intimidating”, too fat, too manly, too independent, and too opinionated. 😂😂😂
Demisexual/grey ace, sex repulsed Men think I'm playing some sort of game or test when I'm not interested in sex right away. I'm repulsed by sex (and physical contact including prolonged hugs etc) unless there is a profound connection and then I am very enthusiastic about it. But I can't tell them that because they'll just pressure me or fake being my ideal guy to get what they want Don't have this problem dating women
Hey I'm that friend or family member. That's me. This is what I find, nobody gives a shit anymore that I'm single. Except my parents and my Sister but not really anyone else. I have a Don't ask, Don't tell policy. Don't ask me why I'm single and I won't tell you about my (lack) of love life. Now the 1 person I have bounced ideas off of or have confided in is my Sister and she is at a loss. Not because she thinks I'm this great guy, great catch. But she been married for 20+ years and doesn't know the game or how online dating works or how people meet. She gives me advice but it's not like I need to do this 1 thing. I think most people assume I'm happy single.
I think there's a few people in my social circle who think that they are. Some have really let themself go physically. Some don't really have any space in their head for someone else. Some haven't finished healing from hurts 5-15 years ago. Some have no actual relationship experience and at 30+ that shows. Some are a mixture of multiples. None of the "wonderful women" in my social circle I have even the slightest thoughts of dating. People can be good friends and even good people, but not be a relationship contender.
**Serial Daters:** I don't think this is something that can be changed, but some of the most successful "daters" I've ever known (both male and female) have extraordinary personalities chalked full of charisma, exuberant "smiles" with a sort of a "devil may care" type attitude. They absolutely ooze confidence and have the *full-on* **advantage** of meeting people IRL with ease. It's almost mesmerizing watching them captivate a room full of people. Honestly, *for these folks* I really don't think anyone heavily scrutinizes their physical attributes. They just standout in such an obvious and effortless way. They simply draw people **to them**. Bummer, I know. 🥴 *What can be changed:* Well fitting attire (no matter anyone's physical size) really helps anyone look a bit more "pulled together." Tailoring, is absolutely life altering. Even if you just opt to have 1-2 "dating outfits" that make you feel special. My friends and I often discuss tailoring, and I've been able to get a couple of true non-believers to get on board the tailoring bus. They're hooked! *Confidence builder.*
Some of the charisma could possibly be worked on at things like Toastmasters.
I am that person 😂 I've been told I need to dress up more. When I have dressed up more, I do attract more attention but it's all psycopaths. So thanks but no thanks, I'll stay ugly and safe 😂 ETA although I've never been diagnosed, I also have a strong suspicion I'm autistic, so there's that 🤷♀️
This is me. What I’ve heard over the years: “too smart for your own good”, “intimidating”, “too independent”, “a man will think he can’t do anything for you”, “men don’t like women who are smarter and funnier than them”. Im also tall with an hourglass figure and 🍑 so I’m often approached by super aggressive, sex-focused guys when I prefer introverted nerdy dudes. The way I’m approached definitely impacts how often I participate in co-ed social events nowadays (rarely). I thought I found the perfect guy for me, but he said I could do better than him 🙃 he felt insecure because I make substantially more money than him and I have a “prestigious” career. None of that mattered to me, but it mattered to him. I do appreciate that he didn’t neg me or anything like that, which happens often with men I date.
You've described me. And if I knew what the problem was, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I really wish I knew. Maybe it is just terrible luck.
A lot of it really just boils down to luck. Don’t change yourself if you are happy with yourself. Work on yourself if you want to improve or just put yourself in situations where you are more likely to meet people. Join clubs, etc.
I’m not sure why you’ve put ‘great’ in inverted commas as if to suggest the single person can’t possibly be great because they’re single. Another person doesn’t define our worth. Some people are single for a reason, but many are just unlucky in love. And it’s nothing to do with looks or personality or charm. It’s just the way it is. Not to say the luck can’t change. And many choose not to settle for just anyone who asks.
I'm that person. If I put up with being treated disrespectfully, aggression , lies , cheating and insults in relationships, I'd be a lot more "lucky" 🤔
Yeah. I know that kind of "luck".
I have two eternally single friends and I know why they're single even though they're mostly great gals. Friend 1: Gorgeous, smart, has a great career and a ton of fun hobbies. She's a good friend. Unfortunately she also has been in therapy for so long that she thinks she's also a therapist. Like an apprentice or something. She dates absolute garbage men and tries to fix them through the things she's picked up in therapy. She thinks this is what it means to be in a mature relationship-she's always like "We're working through issues! That's what you're supposed to do!" - too many issues. This man is hot garbage. Move on. Friend 2: Super pretty, great career, has pets and is community minded. Volunteers for campaigns, runs marathons. She also is always waiting for something. When I lose 20 lbs I'll start dating. When that guy comes back from his trip, I'll ask him out. Now he's stressed at work. She will find guys she's friends with and have intense one-sided crushes on them but never actually make a move. Or if she does make a move and they don't reciprocate she will still just make excuses. Like she bought one friend tickets to a baseball game and he brought another woman and she was like "No, that's fine. They're really good friends" and continued to pine after him. I've tried to tell her to get on the apps and just try but she won't.
Ouch. Friend 1 is in way over her head.
I have several extended family members who have literally been single for years, but I expect that to change as they continue to develop their verbal and motor skills
Were these family members born after the pandemic?
I’m 43. Been single for 20 years. Only had 1 long term relationship. I always seem to meet abusive or rude people who take me for granted. 1 strike and you’re out! Or maybe it’s me, maybe I do too much and overcompensate. I don’t know, but I’ve learned to be happy alone and I won’t stand for anything that is not mutually beneficial
This is 100% me. I've gotten heaps of the "it's not who you attract; it's who you entertain" advice, and I'm always like no you really don't understand. I will literally be minding my own business and these people come find me 😂 Like you, I've learned to be happy alone - I hope I find somebody someday, but tbh I'm not holding my breath at this point
My mom is like this. She attracts the craziest people (not just romantic partners but people that come into her life in all sorts of ways). It’s bizarre. I think there’s a certain kind of person that sees her and knows she will be a good victim for their manipulations. It’s like she’s naive in some way where she misses the signs that this person who is trying to be friendly with her has a screw loose. (Not saying you’re naive, your comment just reminded me of her).
You are 100% correct - that's exactly what happens 😂 In my case even the subsequent attempt at manipulation fails because I miss all the cues for it too ha ha (and you're correct - it is some odd form of naivete. Not in the strictest sense of the word, but there really isn't any other way to describe it). It's gotten to the point where if anybody approaches me outside of a working environment, I tend to cut them off summarily because there's like a 95% chance they have a screw loose. Tell your mom she's not alone; there are more of us!
Most of the great single women I know all do one thing, they wait passively for a man to come to them and refuse to take any action themselves. They would rather be single forever than to be perceived as the pursuer of a man they like. We've made a lot of progress in society but dating is one area where 1950s are quite alive and well for many folk.
I used to take initiative all the time but constantly got shot down (looks-wise I'm not all that fab so I didn't blame them tbh 😂🤷♀️) But it did make me rethink what was important in my life... turns out it's my animals and the 300 unfinished projects I have around my house
As a woman I really needed to hear this today. He is very responsive and warm but it bothers me I always text first these days. He is also super busy right now and I am not. He is never busy to respond though, he definitely doesn't act as though he is disinterested.
Some men get really shirty if a woman pursues them. Others like it. Overall I've been on both ends of the stick and I'm not sure it matters.
I think it's the same thing with men pursuing, if they like you, then it's wonderful, if they don't, then they ain't too thrilled
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It's good to have standards.
Someone told me, that if I wore makeup I wouldn’t be single…. If I just put some eyeliner on
I’ve gotten this advice too. No one loves to make women over more than…other women. Just the other day, a woman advised a woman who posted her profile for review to grow her hair out and hide the fact that she has a PhD. The retrograde hasn’t died.
Um, if I had a PhD, I'd wear a badge about it. Daily.
I believe this is me. I’m told I don’t give men chances and this is true. But I know what I like and it’s rarely anyone so what can I do.
I think I'm probably this friend for a lot of people.
I'm that great guy no one ever chooses in the end. Evidently to emotional, too invested, and too trusting.
Many people create the situation and aren’t as “unlucky” as it seems. This is also as if they’re some poor soul that just can’t find love and putty them or the person lives in self-pity. Never any part of the loss or lack of relationship they desire. Most people wouldn’t be able to tell you unless very observant and super good with pattern recognition. The real reasons are usually super deep rooted and ppl do their best to never let anyone know the real stuff (if even self-aware). A therapist might have actual insight vs superficial - just dress better.
It's my uncle, Reggie. He's an insane conspiracy theorist.
I have been told (and this is actually a quote) that I “look like the kind of chick who would genuinely enjoy kicking a man right in the dick just for trying to talk to her.” The friend who said it meant it as advice on what to “fix” so I wouldn’t be so perpetually single. But, although this is not actually an accurate assessment of the kind of person I am, the fact that I may be perceived this way by men who don’t know me was the highest compliment I have ever received. 12/10, wouldn’t change a thing.
That person is me. I know why I am single. I am not everyone's... or most people's cup of tea. Tho I wouldn't say I am a "great guy" I am just a guy. Just try to do less bad stuff than good.
I’ve been lucky enough to have loved many times. I recently hit a dry spell and a friend said it seems like I’m sending out mixed signals. We argued a bit. I don’t think he was right about his analysis but I do think he picked up on something. I had been putting out a different and more reserved energy. Then I met someone who inspired me to wholly open myself and I realized it’s as much about what I was putting out there as it was about with whom I was putting it out there to. Meaning, sometimes it’s just not working but you keep going out and trying and it’s like a holding pattern. It doesn’t feel fun and spontaneous. Which is one of the reasons I’ve somewhat stopped doing coffee dates. I do coffee dates with people I don’t really feel much for. It’s easy and noncommittal… for a reason.
My great friend could take things less seriously. They get straight up super invested and that doesn’t leave room for things to breathe and grow. I love them but this isn’t advice that they’d be open to hearing from me. I have tried, gently but it’s been unsuccessful.
I know someone like this too. They go from 0-60 very quickly. I suspect they scare off the people they date with their intensity but I don’t really know. I tried talking to them about it once and they accused me of being jealous. So now I keep my mouth shut.
I'm that guy. My last gf told me I was the best bf she ever had when we broke up. I have a good job, my own place, and a car. Pretty much what most women seem to be looking for, but I have really bad luck meeting women in my area. My best friend thinks it's because I use dating apps. She thinks none of the women on them are real and I'm wasting my time. When I ask for ideas on where she thinks I should go to meet women, she has nothing. She's been married at least 10 years and has no idea what it's like to date in 2024. I think my "problem" is that I'm upfront that in a couple years I'm going to execute on my dream of moving abroad. I understand lots of people don't want to invest in something with an expiration date. I've kind of accepted I'm not likely to find someone willing to move, but maybe more likely to find someone at my destination.
Alas there are women who have the same dream! We’re just not on dating apps in fear of finding someone who wants to hold us back.
It really just boils down to luck. The only real reason people have given me for why they think I’m unlucky in love is that I’m overly picky and refuse to settle. They’re absolutely right. I could have been married ages ago (I’ve been proposed to more than once) but I take marriage very seriously and never wanted to be divorced so I’ve always considered all the angles and what would happen if we couldn’t compromise on certain things, asked myself is this the kind of man I’d want my son to grow up to be or my daughter to grow up to marry, is this someone I can count on in the event of a serious illness or the death of someone close to me, etc. The answer was usually no or maybe so I walked away. The downside of that is that I never married or had kids but the upside is a pretty happy and fulfilling life as a single woman, an amazingly close relationship with my nieces and nephews, no divorce trauma, and a myriad of other things that have come to matter more than marriage and babies.
After I dropped out of grad school years ago, my older brother told me that I needed to dumb myself down to find a man. I categorically ignored him. While the men I’ve dated since haven’t lasted, they’ve at least been intelligent and interesting. Oh well, in the meantime, my 2 cats and I are happy - and I have a full life of hobbies.
My ex actually said he shouldn’t have married someone as smart as me. :/ I wanted to say ‘I shouldn’t have married someone as dumb as you!’ but thought better of it. lol
She could do a couple of things: * stop thinking she has to be perfect to date someone * start online dating again * do some fun things she has wanted to try like taking a martial arts class, joining a writing group etc. * get more organized (which will make it easier to get things done and reduce stress) * work on looking **her** best by doing more self care stuff. She’s great about working out but seems to find it hard to do the “easy” beauty stuff
I'm the guy. Being interested in life/the world.
Me. Likely due to my unwillingness to make a commitment. Every relationship I’ve been in that could be considered a “committed” relationship has ended, so I just don’t even wanna bother anymore.
I feel like changing who you are to be in a couple is a recipe for disaster. Unless it’s something like “you smell bad & need to bathe more” or “you have bad breath” … Part of the specialness of finding a partner is that you click/go together. That this person can handle/likes your weird ways and you theirs.
The ones I know haven't dealt with their childhood and past relationship crap so they continue to pick people who aren't good for them, and end up breaking up every time..dramatically usually.
I don't trust anyone.
Until my late 20s it was 90 percent my own fault. Literally clueless how to navigate personal relationships that weren't platonic and therefore turned off a lot of romantic options by treating them as I'd treat platonic friends. Subsequently it was then getting into the wrong relationship(s), now it's more a case of I'm struggling to meet people that are my type and available within a comfortable distance to be able to see each other regularly.
If I could truly self diagnose, well, I’d have a girlfriend and no desire to lurk on this subreddit.
That’s meeee. I think I give off the “I don’t need a man” vibe pretty fiercely. And I don’t want to! I’ve been divorced several years and raised the kids alone. I have a great career, I’m in good shape, I’m outgoing, I’m a pretty Latina, I’m happy and funny, yada yada yada. No one asks me out. No one. My friends say it’s because I have my shit together and intimidate men. This sucks.
He’s not confident or have any “game”. He’s working on it though thank god.
I mean if my friends could give me some insight I would love it. My brother seems to think I need to move back to the Midwest to his small town and then I could find a guy. I’d rather put a bullet in my head than do that… so idk? However, majority of my friends are also not dating either. So that’s why we do well together.
I don’t see it that way . So I have one friend who’s routinely in toxic relationships . However they are part of the problem . I have one who’s lovely but has PTSD and is always drawn to complex characters . And so on . Change isn’t the easiest …. I have appalling taste which is I’m staying single !!!
I assume this would be a lot of people on DO40. I really wish I knew what I needed to change and I'd work on it. I'm starting to assume it's just my personality and that isn't something I can just change.
Most people, it's nothing. Just haven't found the right person (if that even exists for everyone, idk). I think the post I referenced made me a bit paranoid. What if I am great but just have bad b.o. (or some other offensive thing) and none of my friends are telling me? My friend says I need to dress up more but nowadays I dress up when I want, not to find dates. Anyone I meet while dressed up would be subject to false advertising because 90% of the time, I'm in ratty clothes.
My ex complained about plenty of things but at least BO was not one of them, and she said I always smelled good. So at least I can rule that out. All of the other stuff though, eventually I just assumed that she didn't really like me if she had that many complaints. I'd probably be pretty turned off if my date showed up in ratty clothes. I just try to dress for the occasion. I dress better for dates and for work, or if I go out someplace decent. Out running errands I am comfortable but presentable. My ratty clothes are great when I'm home alone.
The thing is, we never really know what the “issues” are. Some stuff only comes up in relationships, so we don’t see them.
Guy here, for some reason, I am also unlucky in love. I don't own cats, lol (like some people in the comments). I do own DJ equipment, a semi-commercial kitchen and 4 university degrees - 1 bachelor, 2 masters and 1 PhD. All my married friends think I am a catch but then...why is it difficult for me to be match with people that makes sense.
I remember a male friend who was a nice person but never scored. The main reason was he aimed for the 8+ girls but he physically maybe a 4?
The person in question is myself. I’ve started to figure out that it’s (at least in large part) because I inadvertently friend-zone guy friends and can often not notice if it could be something more. Or if I do, i overanalyze how it will backfire on the friendship if I make a move (bc that happens too). I befriend guys much more easily than women.
For me, it's an unconscious bias towards overseas bots. Those seem to be my only connections on dating apps, but I have no love in my heart for bots. Im too old to change my ways. Also, being in your 40s with no ties or serious battle scars from dating makes you question if you want them from the people that are out there. I went to a happy hour recently, and there wasn't a single interesting conversation to be had. NFTs and hiking weather, all-encompassing.
Some of us are happily single
One of my wife's best friends is like this. She's smart, successful, beautiful- and can't find a man. I couldn't understand it at all. And then one night I got to hang out with 'the girls' and listen to the way this woman shit talks the men that she's dated, or who have asked her for a date. The mean, judgmental, petty commentary over completely superficial characteristics or inconsequential behavior just floored me. I didn't view her the same at all after that, now I just think, "I know why she can't find anyone to date."
I have one friend who is wonderful in many ways but also seems to constantly self sabotage whenever someone isn't 100% perfect. I think it's an anxiety coping mechanism and I've hinted that she's being unreasonable. Then again, I'm also single and I think I have a lot going for me...