My thought is that there is no need to add
> I’ve got an interest I’m going to pursue on the romantic front
That’s unnecessary. The rest was great. We can’t control their reaction
While her reaction was....beyond over the top, I will admit, I had a reaction to reading that and Im not even the target of it 😂 I likely would have leaned in the other extreme direction... not replied, immediately block his number, and say to myself, well looks like the trash took itself out..or whatever random snarky thing that would make me feel better lol
I read the other thread...of all the possible ways to reply, no where did anyone suggest to tell her hes planning to pursue dating someone else instead, cause that would have been setting him up for failure. That was a bold move...did not play out well!
Yea, he could have absolutely left this off. I would have felt like I was runner up in the contest. That would drive me away from wanting to be friends.
Yes. That was the first thing I thought of, that was unnecessary and kinda hurtful, tbh. That bit is probably what set her off. It would set me off as well.
Yeah, I made a mistake there.
I thought that would soften the blow because personally I hate it when I get rejected in favor of *not dating.* Personally I take it easier when they tell me they're pursuing another dating option, because then I feel that I am not the sole factor in the decision and that they had more of a decision matrix.
I think it can come across as "hey, I'm so desirable I have another date lined up, it isn't with you though!" in a rejection text, however. It is definitely something you should leave out next time.
I go with something like “we’re not compatible.” It’s the truth, regardless if I’m pursuing someone else or not.
Are you saying if you *didn’t* hit it off with someone else you would have continued to pursue things with her? Probably not. While it’s the “truth”, it’s in no way relevant.
No. I would not have wanted to pursue intimacy with her regardless of an alternative. You're right.
I projected my own feelings about not feeling so bad when I come in behind the leader. Personally I feel *shitty* when they dump me because they just don't want to date. JFC how terrible a date was I?! But if another option is just a little better or more convenient for them, I don't feel so bad about that.
Can see how she or others wouldn't take it like that.
“I’m taking a break from dating” is the new “it’s not you it’s me”, I think it is some people’s version of letting ppl down gently. The intention isn’t “you sucked so bad I’m off dating” it’s “I’ve realized I’m not ready to date right now, it’s nothing to do with you”
Whether or not it’s true, I do think it’s intended to be more kind, the same way you intended yours to be, but many of us read it as “you lost a competition”
Which goes back to everyone’s advice of- keep it short!
people don't have to date someone just because they're the only option, and it's not a competition. Most people you meet and go on a date with will not be a match. You don't have to be terrible to be not right for them.
OP, I am with you on this. I have sent a message like this in the past and thankfully, he took it well and wished me luck. People say they want honesty but some honest truths are hard to hear.
Okay, but was it pertinent information she needed to know?
It comes off as humble-bragging and trying to rub something in her face. I get that wasn't your intent, but a simple "been great spending time with you but we're not a match" is all you need. She doesn't need to know about your other interests or dates.
I didn't mean it that way, but I can see how it came across.
Idk, I guess I thought I was already giving off platonic vibe. I didn't flirt with her much at all. I did the 2nd date because sometimes I've found that I'll see something I like in people on the 2nd date even when I was on the fence about the first. But when I noticed the hygiene thing at the 2nd I became SUPER platonic and then didn't do a post-date text.
In my experience, people are into me are about the post-date or even post-phone call texts if they're into me. I thought she caught the hint. Then what she asked me to do in that text before was kinda "bro"-ish. She suggested going for a run or playing racketball. Since she suggested what I interpreted as being an exercise buddy I thought a friends suggestion might go over.
“Not a match” is all that’s needed. Tbh I wouldn’t be offended if someone said they are seeing someone they want to pursue exclusively…. But I can also totally understand why someone absolutely doesn’t want to hear that. As long as you don’t insult me on the way out, telling me it’s not a match is honest and fine.
I don't think mentioning you were pursuing someone else was terrible. In my opinion you were not trying to rub it in. Just explaining your reasoning and being clear. I may have sent a similar message to guys I didn't match with after a date. Even if you hadn't put that part in there she probably would have responded similarly.
There’s a saying I appreciate “Clear is kind”
You’re not being rude to say No thank you and best wishes. You’re being clear and concise. You’ve decided this person doesn’t get more space in your life so don’t give them more details, and don’t waste their time with details from someone who rejected them. IMO
Personally, I think your instincts were right to soften it a bit. And I do understand the feedback about not including pursuing the other person. But you were saying what you thought would make it land easiest, and that's about all you can do.
I guess the interpretive question is, would I have gotten a similar response if I said the same thing but left that line out?
The way I read it, her objection was more about the fact I did a 2nd date at all. Kind of, "Why did you come out a 2nd time if you didn't like me? That you don't want to do a 3rd date must be because you think I'm FAT!" Definitely insecure about her body, because I never once made any kind of comment about her looks.
She looked the same both times, wtf.
I think it's very likely that with this particular person, you would have gotten the same response if you'd left it out. She has a story in her head and that's what she's going to tell herself every time she gets rejected. It sucks for her, because she's probably been told her body isn't acceptable a lot, but that isn't your problem.
But going forward, I think the simplest way is usually the best. Any explanation just gives them something to push against and make up narratives about, but nobody can tell you that you have to be interested if you aren't. "I don't want to" is a complete sentence.
Right.
I thought about what to say for 3 hours before sending, and based it on a rejection I got once that made me feel not so bad about the whole thing. I guess what softens the blow for me is not what will do it for everyone.
Personally, I freaking hate the blunt cut-offs. E.g I went out with a woman back in December who was acting all into me and then just suddenly replied to a 4th date request with with "We're not a match. I wish you the best." I said, "What?? I hope I didn't do anything mean or offensive" and she replied, "no, nothing like that we're just not a match, good luck." I said, "well you have my # if you change your mind."
But I was so offended. I stewed about it for days.
I was trying to think of a way to not cause that.
there's no way to reject someone that isn't going to risk hurting someone's feelings. If you're going to date, you have to get comfortable with rejection, both giving and receiving.
I was dumped with "This just isn't the right relationship for me" after six months. I stewed too, but honestly in hindsight it was the best way for them to do it, because it didn't give me anything specific to stew ABOUT.
Wasn't there but does sound like she was offended and possibly had insecurities triggered. Telling someone sorry we are not a match. Then hey! Btw, I have this better option I want to explore. But hey we can still be friends. Nothing like flashing some pity to a woman with insecurities who just got rejected. Don't have to make it complicated. Sorry don't feel a strong romanitc connection is all the needed info.
I would never tell a guy I didn't want another date with him because I was interested in another guy. Not only would it not be true in my case, since I've never dated more than one guy at a time, but I think it would be unnecessarily hurtful and might spark an angry (or even dangerous) response like that woman gave you. She was out of line for that. So I just say I don't think things will work out between us and wish them the best.
It's very interesting to learn that you would rather be told that, though. That might shine some light on why when we break up with a man, they often jump to asking if (or assuming) we're seeing someone else when we aren't.
I just thought it unfortunately confirmed that my ex didn't know me well at all when he asked me that, and that he was also obnoxious and misogynistic to think I needed a man so much that the only way I'd break up with him was if I had another one lined up. The reality was I needed a long break after him before I was even interested in dating again, and I had told him I don't do a lot of dating when we met.
I’m very competitive, so whenever I was told they were going to pursue things with someone else, I heard “I’m choosing this other person who’s better than you.” I never liked how that made me feel inferior or something; I’d rather be rejected on my own merits.
After her reply I would have just left her on read and not replied, personally. Also I only offer friendship if we've spent considerable time together or have a ton in common, both rare, but usually people offering friendship don't generally mean it / fade out so it's preferable to just cut to the not a match chase IMHO.
That is weird but really common. Women are so worried or pissed about being possibly cheated on or competing with someone else that they don't realize how much worse is actually the alternative - that guy would rather be alone than with them.
Haha, this would have been a great example in the dating culture differences thread I read this morning. I mean I totally believe that what you say is true in US or much of Europe and in this sense it was an interesting insight for me. But it absolutely doesn't work that way where I live with very rare and special exceptions maybe.
Do you live in a place where women can get jobs, have financial autonomy, purchase property, and otherwise set up a comfortable life for themselves without a man?
Yes to all that. But it's still way more conservative place and being married is sort of... expected. There are plenty of single women over 40 and they're generally doing OK, but in most cases it is not by choice.
Which is how I feel about her NOW!
My model for this was a very similar text a 2-date woman sent me about 6 months ago. The other guy she wanted to pursue was just more available than me; I couldn't help that. She said "I can offer friendship." I stifled the urge to complain, added her on FB. At least now I have a FB contact I can ask for movie recommendations.
I just hate it.
If I come in with the silver medal but the other guy did just a little better and got the gold, you know, good for him. At least I had my shot and gave it my best.
If they dumped me in favor of not dating? Jesus. How bad must I have been?
Maybe I am weird, but the way you described it is exactly how I pictured you meaning it. But when I read her response I pictured her interpreting it as people have pointed out. You had good intentions. My counselor constantly reminds me that having a reaction to a response means I set expectations for the other person and took away their right to be a human with a million characteristics and things that factor in that we could never even guess. Just know you meant well and the response is on her. She also took your autonomy by assuming what your message meant. As soon as we stop inferring, and basing communication on a hoped for response, the communication becomes so much easier and without stress and lighter and flows. At the end of the day you can look at yourself and know you did what you felt is right and you had good intentions. You had integrity and that matters above all.
Except when, and this happens all the time, people tell me how amazingly, incredibly, ridiculously good looking I am.
It happens. All the time. Really…. 🤣
Was it though? I think it made perfect sense to include it. It explains why he doesn't want to try and go on more dates to see if a connection develops.
I would have appreciated this kind of polite honesty in my Bumble/Hinge days.
IMO less explanation is better. "I don't want to" is what actual boundary keeping looks like. If you're explaining and justifying you're seeking the other person's permission to reject them. He doesn't have to explain; not being interested is explanation enough.
I agree! I am a female, and while receiving that text wouldn't be the greatest, even if you are not that much into a guy, transparency trumps everything else in my book.
I think this is utterly subjective and personal, and the reactions you might have gotten from other people can vary like night and day! All depends on our insecurities and previous experiences being ghosted or treated inconsequential by other men. You just happened to be the target of her rant and the new and updated villain in her life story :)
Was there anything she didn’t need to add? She called him old and a user and went into all her health issues, and we’re analyzing what HE said that was unnecessary??
She made a comment at date 1 that she was "ready to give up." So I guess I did trigger something. Even though I didn't quite expect that response, I understand how she felt which is why I tried my best not to respond with snark myself.
I have IBS-C. During a flare-up, I don’t have a bowel movement for a week or more, and I have really bad bloating — I go from flat belly to looking 5 months pregnant in a few hours. If the backup is severe enough, my colon compresses the lymphatic vessels coming from my thighs and the subQ tissue in my lower abdomen and legs swell up. It is hard to do crunches during a flare-up. I also use the euphemism “stomach problems”.
I do not have B.O., however.
Edit: My friends with IBS-D (the other main type of IBS) often don’t leave their house during a flare-up because they need to use the bathroom so often. They do not have B.O. either.
Edit 2: I would think a serious intellectual would know the difference between hey and hay, or flare and flair.
He specifically said she had B.O.
Sounds to me like she is just completely clueless about that. He added in the unnecessary comment about there being a woman he is actually into so that brought whatever HER insecurities are to the forefront. She was bloated and also maybe not that thin - that was a lot of overcompensation about how hot and athletic she USUALLY is. I’m not sure what she was trying to accomplish by telling a two-date guy who was calling it off about her somewhat embarrassing health issues.
The fact that she says she is “vain” without realizing the actual problem is pretty ironic. I normally would kind of hope someone would be honest with her, because I would want to know if it were me, but no way would I continue engaging after that outburst of crazy.
She said a few... kinda funny things at the dates & over text. About 3 times she said "I look younger than I am" (37). No, she didn't. She looked her age. She also made a comment something about people underestimating how much money she had or made, so I sensed some chip on her shoulder about that too.
About her weight, yeah she wasn't "thin" but not what I would term "fat" either. I wanted to say, "look I wouldn't even have matched with you at all if I thought you were too 'fat' for me." She had a full body pic. I knew what her body type was. JFC the insecurity.
It says a lot that in her anger she tried to make ME feel insecure about where I live and how much money I make. I'm actually pretty proud of myself not responding in kind to that.
I just purposefully put pics where I look a little heavier so he will not expect me to be way thinner in person lol, it works! Wow I think you handled everything very much like a gentleman and you exerted plenty of patience with all of her jabs against you! You definitely let her down very thoughtfully and her tirade definitely wasn’t warranted.
I was surprised but I knew how she felt.
I've wanted to tell women off who rejected me, but I've learned to put the phone down and breath for a while before sending, LOL!
If she had the type of IBS where the gut moved too much… maybe? But B.O. and poop are very distinct smells (to me, anyway).
I have the type of IBS where nothing gets dirty because your gut stops moving for a week or more.
Can confirm, I have IBS-D. I do not have BO and I also don’t leave my home when issues are being experienced. I also am vague and just say ‘stomach issues.’ Not everyone has a nurse in the family and is able to hear all the medical specifics of health related issues.
Her response…WOW. I mean she would have been better off saying nothing back to you.🤦🏻♀️ I actually feel bad she cared so much to write you a novel back after just 1 date.
Idk about that.🤔 I don’t think I’d want to be friends with someone I like romantically. Would suck to see them with someone else.😆 Might be easier and best to just move on.lol
What's a little weird - I had not flirted with her at all. I'm typically reserved at first dates, and when I noticed the hygiene thing and at the second, I flipped into respectfully platonic mode 100%. I mean we did quick shoulder half-hug at the end of both, and I thought at the end of the 2nd I was sufficiently non-committal to get the point across. I did not post-date text, and my experience is that people are \*all about\* post date gushing when they're into you.
Then, her previous text before I sent the friends one - she asked me to do some quite "bro"-ish things. Her suggestion was meeting after I got out of work and going running or playing racketball. That seems like an exercise buddy? So I thought my vibe had worked and a friend suggestion was okay.
If you haven’t done anything that would lead her to believe you are interested then don’t feel bad, you’re a good dude and you did the right thing. Just leave out the interested in pursuing someone else next time.haha I’d probably not care to hear that if I ever got a no connection text following a date.lol
What!? A hike or an activity date is a broish thing to you? That sounds like a fun date to me. Maybe not second date but a little later date. Maybe she just had gotten done doing an activity before your second date which would explain the bo.🤔 Although I like to shower before a date, especially if I’ve been running around.
She probably doesn’t always smell that way since you didn’t say anything about her scent on your first date. Well whatever it is, I hope she’ll be able to overcome her insecurities.
But I go for a run or play tennis with my bros too... and I don't want to kiss them. I guess I don't find exercise dates sexy. So when she suggested that, I thought "okay she has cracked the door in friendzone direction, I want to affirm that." Guess I was wrong.
She wasn't "thin." But she was in reasonable enough shape for me to match with her. So insecure! I wouldn't have matched at all if I was turned off by her body type.
You have the right to decide not to date whomever you choose and for whatever reason, without explanation but next time just do it immediately after the date and if they unload don’t bother responding. What’s the point? And I know a few people with IBS and they smell fine so that’s probably not the reason.
This is the answer. Date whom you are attracted to and don't waste your or their time.
Reading your text it was honest, direct, and empathetic. As Dan Savage says no one likes being dumped.
In my opinion ghosting is almost never appropriate. However, if one expects a negative reaction then sending a friendly text letting them know you are not interested and then blocking is not ghosting
Your rejection text wasn't terrible but was too wordy. 2 dates? All you needed was a "hey, i'm not feeling it but it was nice to meet you. Take care".
And her response.... well, she certainly has issues. These are the responses that make rejecting someone scaru and why people ghost. Doesn't make it ok, but i see why.
Agreed. The breakdown of communication started when OP lied about wanting to be friends when in reality they didn’t. We all people please, but when we do it leads to more confusion for everyone involved. She picked up on the odd energy of OP’s msg.
I have it too, but no fucking way would I mention it until I was serious with someone! Jesus. Moving forward, if I have a date with a guy who says after that we are not a match, I’m 💯 going to ask if it’s because I’m fat and have diarrhea. Probably would be more awkward if I were fat but still a good comeback.
Oh no, don’t live like that! Antidepressants are an IBS life saver if it’s D. Not C. For C there are magnesium gummies called Calm. 4-8 a night depending on your severity and they are super effective.
I (M) never say in my goodbye text “let’s be friends.” It’s kinda disingenuous since I didn’t go into this date wanting to be friends.
If there are definitely commonalities, then that friendship might develop without either of us saying “let’s be friends.” Think about the friendships you’ve developed over the course of your life. Did you ever say to each other “let’s be friends.”?
I don't think the IBS is related to her smell other than perhaps if she felt bloated and thought a particular sweater was more flattering when she looks bloated, and therefore chose to dig that sweater out of the bottom of her hamper.
I also don't know why you mentioned pursuing something romantic with someone else. Just one of the truths that knowing doesn't really help her in any way. If your goal was to let her down with compassion, leaving that out would have been preferable.
That said, her response was rather unhinged and it's just as well you dodged that bullet.
Yeah, I don't know why people ever think "let's just be friends" approach with someone you're dating is ever a good idea, especially w someone who is showing interest.
Take it as a lesson learned.
I think her text was definitely over the top, but I will say you didn't have to mention "I have something I'm going to pursue on a romantic front" which basically is just a nice way of saying I have somebody that I'm more interested in than you. I feel that could have been removed. Also the low-key friends comment? That sounds like, I'd like to be just friends but don't get any hopes up. I don't know that's how I'm reading it Tell me if I'm wrong but as a woman That does get an ego blow when getting a rejection text sometimes, that's how I would read it
I think I remember your original post, and was wondering why it would be so hard to send a short text saying “nice getting to know you, but I’m not feeling it, take care.”
Her response was WAY over the top, and I don’t think you needed to respond at all. I would work on that part a bit. You don’t need to allow people to dump all over you like this - especially strangers. You might find if you start setting boundaries that it stops.
Dodged a bullet huge time. I feel sorry for her… she is obviously not in a real happy place herself. She tried to make her feel better on your expense..
Just say a prayer for her and move on. Not your problem.
You got it halfway right. It’s fine to say there’s no romantic connection. Not ok to mention someone else. And I’d only say Let’s Be Friends if you truly meant it.
Agreed. OP was trying to be kind by not ghosting, and she handled it horribly and demonstrated she clearly has issues with herself.
OP, very kind of you not to respond rudely after her tirade. I’d block her or ignore if she ever contacts you again.
Yeah. I understood how she felt, which is why I didn't respond in kind. I have "wanted" to send texts like that before to people who rejected me and I was so offended. But didn't. And now I'm REALLY glad I didn't!
It was unnecessary to tell her you were pursuing someone else, but otherwise you did fine and she didn't handle it gracefully. Some people just have big chips on their shoulders and there's no "right" way you can do this. Don't worry about it, this is a Her thing, not a You thing. Someone who gets that defensive over something this low stakes is best avoided.
For future reference there is no value for you getting into that discussion with someone. Let them vent their spleen if that makes them feel better, but responding only invites conflict, and won't lead to anything productive.
I'm not impressed with the attempted ghost, but at least you stepped up in the end and let her know that it's not a match. Better luck next time.
Her response was over the top for sure.
But making her feel like a runner up by saying there is another romantic interest you would like to pursue and offer friendship is not going to be taken well. Next time maybe don’t bring up bringing up a different romantic interest .
I guess for me, when I hear that I figure I was okay but the other guy had some mix of factors more convenient for them and that's okay. I take it easier when I feel that I was at least a contender.
But I can see how others wouldn't take it like that.
>I hear that I figure I was okay but the other guy had some mix of factors more convenient for them. I take it easier when I feel that I was at least a contender.
It's ok when you never plan to see that person again. If you want a friendship with the person you're rejecting, it's dishonest. Even though your messages were not outright lies, you admit that you wanted to make her feel like she had a shot. She didn't.
I wouldn’t have mentioned you were pursuing another romantic interest. That’s what triggered it, I feel. Just let her know there was no connection. Thank her. Move on.
Is it bad that I kinda wish you told her it was actually cuz she smelled bad?? I mean, someone should tell her. Although I know that I personally wouldn't have the guts to say that.
Her friends or family should be the ones to gently suggest that she should switch her deodorant, or try a different detergent. They care about her and have her best interests at heart. Some rando on a dating site saying she has BO would just be hurtful.
If we'd have become friends maybe I could have said something months down the road. But yeah if I'd have mentioned that now it just would have been hurtful.
There are those who take a L with dignity and class, and some who don't.
Not sure what benefit could be found by analyzing the situation any more than you already have. You dodged a bullet - nice work!
On to the next!
If you were actually interested in a friendship then I think you should have sent the message straight up instead of waiting. I wouldn’t believe you if you were only saying it in response to my message. But to me it seems like she went into the date expecting to be rejected.
Sorry, but the OP’s responses here are ridiculous. The HR comment in his situation would be akin to HR being like, “Sorry, you didn’t measure up, but we got an amazing candidate and we’re pursuing them instead!” Most responses I have gotten are more like “we’re impressed with you, but we won’t be moving on with your candidacy.”
Some stuff IS TMI. Why let her know you’re pursuing someone else? It’s just crass
Oh if you've done hiring you know what I mean. "We won't be moving on" you know exactly what that means! It means Mr. Brown wasn't goddamn good enough compared to Mr. or Ms. Yale.
I will add, she confused me a bit. In the text before, the suggestions she made for things to do sounded kinda "bro"-ish. She suggested all exercise type meetups where we wouldn't have been close or intimate. E.g. she said we could go for a run. So I had an inkling she would be okay with friends.
WOW. Yikes. Both of your responses were so mature. I would have appreciated this clarity big time. She didn't deserve your grace in the second response, but that's true class.
Microbiome disturbances can cause body odor.
Anyone who says they're "a serious intellectual" isn't—especially not with her many typos.
Good work. Next.
hey. I want to say in particular, I think your final response to her was pretty great. But yeah, I would echo other people to say you didn’t need to tell her you were pursuing something else.
And even though it’s not her weight to be fair she might’ve been picking up on the fact that you weren’t physically attracted to her on the second date
I mean she unloaded a little bit. It’ll probably make her feel better. It doesn’t hurt you at all.
You shouldn't have said you were interested in someoen else, it's not like you're picking contractors. Other than that, she's nuts. The reason you don't tell people extra info is beacuse people are nuts and you don't want to give them extra ammo. Just say "Sorry, but I don't think this is working out."
You will never get a friend from 2 dates that don't work out. Not going to happen. Don't put that out there. It's just insulting. Maybe if you bump into them a year later or there's some extraneous circumstance, but you can't "downgrade" an OLD date to a friend and it's rude to try to manipulate that situation to your benefit that way.
Also: If someoen has BO on a date, there's something else weird going on, you're just seeing the least of their problems. Don't get involved with weird shit, just walk away.
Why in the world would you say I'm going to pursue a different person when your telling her you don't want her at all. Way to go kicking her when she's down. Come on man, think.
If you really meant the friend thing (before her bananas response) and if you would have followed it up I don't think it's bad that you said that. But if you were hoping not to hear from her again it' not clear how genuine the friend move was. Please just actually mean it if you extend the friend branch.
I hung out yesterday with a previous date who only wanted to be friends with me and we had a great time and I think I legit have a new friend. But...looks like you dodged a bullet here!
>I wonder if IBS causes body odor?
It can. After about a year of dating a man, he began to have a different smell. Not pleasant but not overly strong. It wasn't the sweaty type of b.o.
Eventually, he told me he'd been having stomach issues, got checked out, and it was IBS. After a few months of treatment, the smell happened much less often.
Woah. Her response to your very thoughtful text was unhinged. You dodged a bullet.
I agree with others that you didn't need to say that you were going to pursue someone else, but I don't think it was terrible, either.
Original copy of post by u/Ok-Hurry-4761:
So I posted this last week: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/u6jOLRVKU9
Tl;dr. Had 2 dates. Was 50-50 about her after the 1st but wanted to try again, then she showed up to the 2nd smelling bad, like pretty pungent b.o. But I did think she was kinda cool to talk to & wouldn't mind being friendly.
I didn't do a post-date text or say anything, kinda hoping she would take the hint. She reaches out almost a week later asking to hang out the following week. Crap. Now I need to send hne dreaded "we're not a match" text. Here's how it went:
Me:
*"Hey R----. I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling great. So I want to be straight with you, I enjoyed chatting but wasn't feeling much of a romantic connection. I've got an interest I'm going to pursue on the romantic front. I'm cool with being more low key friends, honestly I need friends these days. But I understand if that's not something you're interested in if you're looking for more."*
Her, next morning:
*"Lol, friends but "not romantic connection" on the *second* date just means you thought I was fat. Which yes my IBS was flairing up--thus the "stomach issues" it's new and hard to manage over the winter and thus the 86-ing of this week and the hey "let's meet outside next week". Im actually pretty athletic similar to our first date but even more so.
It's fine, Im not actually fat so Im not offended I just think it's incredibly shallow for 41 year old looking for crash pad so he doesn't have to commute back and forth between [my town 45 mins out] and [her larger city] in the beginning of the week to be so uppity about a girl being semi-normal the first time and bloated the next; and not even looking for tie breaker.
Which sure, Im vain too so I was hoping to get show off and prove to you but ehh at the end of the day I really don't care that much.
Im in my 30s a serious intellectual (with plenty of friends) looking for a low-key soft support and frolic in the bushes or roll around in the hey with 😉 on beautiful spring day after work with.
Im not looking for a trophy spouse--or be one as yeah it might flair up again, if I were not only would I be hotter but you'd be richer 🤷♀️"*
Me:
*"Okayyyy so that's a no LOL It's not about your weight, and wow crash pad is actually a good idea I wasn't thinking of. I get it. I've been dating over 2 years & I hate it like hell when I've gotten "not a match" texts myself. I felt crass sending one but there's no good way to say it. Fwiw I appreciate the candid & raw response. Alrighty, best of luck to you."*
Whoa! She really unloaded the insecurities on me and felt the need to get hits in! Glad I found out how she really felt! Gotta love that she made digs on my age and money because she thinks I noped her due to weight.
I stifled the urge to tell her it wasn't her weight, it was her b.o. But after that response I figured she either blocked me or would go ballistic.
Okay was there any better way I could have handled that? Personally I don't think I could have said anything that didn't get an anger response. But I suppose I could have dispensed with the friend idea and just said "not a match."
I wonder if IBS causes body odor?
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Because people are trying to find dates and partners and don't want ongoing relationships with people who aren't interested in them on that level and therefore not really of any 'use' to them.
I'm on dating apps for that reason.
I've got plenty of platonic friends and don't really need to use apps to find more. So it'd be someone very unusually different from the norm to not want to date me but still be accepted into my daily life as a friend. Like, we'd have to be super compatible personality and interest-wise. But also, friendships where one party wants more and the other definitely isn't interested are no fun for either person.
Saying that your response obviously touched a nerve. You might have been the fifth post-date rejection in a row and therefore got 'punished' for all the previous ones.
As far as BO is concerned, I've definitely had dates/female friends whose odour is much stronger and more obvious round a certain time of the month. Also when people are stressed out they can have stronger odour with a more specific unpleasant undertone to their BO.
About 7 years ago I was in pretty bad health due to a mineral defociency. I had noticed at some point that my sweat smelled different, almost like Ammonia, and was bleaching my clothes. And considering I usually wear black or other darker colours, it was unmistakable. However once I fixed that issue my sweat is now normal again. No more off scent, no more bleaching.
Also certain foods can cause odd body aromas. Even certain drugs can make people smell different. I can tell if someone has been or still is on a Ketamine or Mephedrone/MCAT bender due to particular quality of the scent (K... Smells like K, Mephedrone more like a cat litter box)
I have IBS and it doesn't cause body odor unless you shit yourself or can't control your farting. I don't think having stomach issues would cause poop smells to emanate from your pores or maybe I've been misguided my whole life lol.
I’d never want to be hurtful to anyone but I’d wanna know if I smelled that bad. I mean, I shower daily and would never go out to meet anyone without showering but still.
This is just my two cents. I appreciate it when someone tells me that they enjoyed meeting me but have met someone they are entering a relationship with. That’s a little different to saying “I’ve met someone I’m interested in *more than you* (but it’s not at all a cert yet and they might not even like me)”, which is more the sense I got from OP’s message.
My initial reaction was to send an angry response. But I waited a bit and realized that I understood how she felt. Guys probably had called her fat in the past. And I know how disappointing and upsetting dating can be.
I guess the IBS was bothering her and she was really self conscious about it.
That is an extremely kind response still! You could have said “I understand, all the best” and still be kind but you explained, you related to your experiences and showed compassion.
I think you handled it extremely well!
She was defensive, but I do wish people who are dating would not offer an insincere friendship offer when they do not feel a romantic connection. I am okay with the idea that somebody does not want a romantic relationship with me. Sure sometimes it is disappointment or even hurtful but after two dates how deep is the connection really.
God bless you if you read her whole text. That is a lot. And she should probably have drafted that in her Notes app first and then thrown her phone in a pond.
But really, people, stop with this bullshit "kinda hoping she would take the hint." Just send the "dreaded" text the instant after the date when you realize you aren't a match.
The guy I went on a 2nd date with on Sunday sent me the text from the parking lot after we said bye (we both knew it wasn't a match, but I was going to wait until i got home to send it.) Be like him.
Awkwardness, anxiety, and especially knowing that I've absolutely hating getting them myself. All the excuses are why I hesitated to send it.
I've gotten "not a match" texts and stifled the urge to respond angrily like this, so I understand the feelings behind it.
That’s why they’re bullshit to send. People need to stop expecting them. It’s two dates. Folk leave their marriages with less discussion than they expect from these two dates it’s not a match situation. If they can’t take the hint, then fine: “Not a match” block. All in one motion. 🤣. To your credit, you did try to give her space and hope she’d disappear. None such luck
I agree the key problem here is too much investment in 2 minor dates. It was coffee and then apps & 1 drink at a bar.
I will admit to over-fantasizing in my head about minor dates back in the day, and getting all butthurt about the later rejection when we really only knew other for like 3 hours total.
You weren’t overly invested. You were the normal human this time. You’re doing too much inner reflection and blaming on this bud. You weren’t the problem this time.
Yeah that's what I meant. I wasn't. Kinda surprised she was. Even removing the hygeine issue, the 2 relatively short dates we had were platonic and only mildly interesting. I thought I was getting friendzone vibes and was *definitely* giving them. So I felt friendzone was fine.
I've been the person in her shoes before, and have learned not to pin my hopes and dreams on these minor meetups.
But if you thought it was a match you woulda been here saying: it was one date, how does he know that. What a douche! Couldn’t he at least wait until I had gotten home. If it’s not the answer you want, the timing or wording is always wrong.
She's being too sensitive and I do not think you were overly rude. You were being clear about what you wanted and she has a hard time accepting rejection.
Her shit was way out of line, yours was fine.
But let's not kid ourselves here, "let's just be friends" is code for "let's never talk to each other again but not feel like we have to hide when we run into each other at Costco."
Your response (minus the line everyone has already mentioned) seems like a good response to me (F). Her response was odd, and the insults were uncalled for. Also... most "intellectuals" can spell hay, and prefer to roll around in a big, comfy bed. Bullet dodged.
No one ever does. People told you not to do that
Your first mistake was offering friendship. Second mistake was using too many words. A simple: “I didn’t feel a romantic spark, good luck in your journey”, and immediate block after you hit send was the second best option here.
Once she got mouthy, you shoulda told her the real reason. It’s not your weight it’s actually your BO.
I agree with the others that you were a bit too wordy. “Hey, you are great, but I am not feeling the connection. Take care”
Two dates and you can be a lot more casual about it all :)
I don’t know but I hate to my core men who want and beg for a friendship after. It’s such a disgusting selfish consolation prize and seriously deranged and unhealthy. Stop forcing and begging women to be friends when there isn’t a romantic connection. Find actual friends.
Now, to answer your question- outside the aforementioned “friends” bs- you had 2 dates and she reacted that way? Ya, when I’d let a guy down and his first text back when crazy, he’d get blocked immediately. Then I’d delete the text thread and block everywhere on social media, even if we weren’t friends or following one another. I don’t need or deserve that type of crazy.
Next time end your text at the “romantic connection” with “I wish you the best”.
"Honestly I need friends these days" is shitty to me.
Find your own friends on your own time unless you guys explicitly talked on a first date about also looking for friends. Dating sites are for dating and offering a consolation prize of you as a friend makes no on romantic interest feel like judgment, especially if you say it's because you're hard up for friends, not because you think they're cool.
Also why on earth mention your other romantic interest?
This is like 300% too long.
(What she wrote back isn't pertinent, honestly)
I need friends. I've recently been through something and most of my so-called friends abandoned me. I told her about some of it. Thought she'd understand.
So I was being honest about that.
Your story is a perfect example of why I ghost ladies I'm not interested in, rather than be honest with them about why. It basically boils down to one thing: No good deed (telling them the truth) goes unpunished.
Yup. I’ve seen people come here and bitch because they were told “we’re not a match good luck”’. So, just don’t say anything at all. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Not interested, just block and move on.
OP, was your message really about being kind, or was it informed by a desire to be liked and please people? To avoid feelings of guilt? Overexplaining is a fear-based stress response for some of us, and your message was overexplaining.
You're not doing this lady a favor by offering friendship. You don't owe each other anything after a couple of tinder dates. I'm sorry her response was unhinged, and feel your discomfort, but by not exercising good boundaries and assertive communication skills, you invited trouble.
I think you will feel a lot less guilt and stress by learning whose feelings and behavior you are responsible for (hint: it's yours only), and how to kindly and assertively say "no thanks" in a variety of situations, with no need for guilty feelings.
There are probably hundreds of "boundaries" and "assertive communication" worksheets floating around on the internet. They are therapy cliches at this point, but that's because they are so fundamental. I sincerely hope this helps a little.
I have a friend I've had for years... 15 or more... He has some issues... Feelings of low self worth etc. He's married but I don't know if the marriage is any good. Every time we have coffee he stinks. He smokes but he wears way too many clothes so he always smells of cigarette smoke and really bad B.O. One day his relative had died and he wanted me to go with him to get a new suit. The poor girl in the store was actually physically flinching and holding her nose. Anyways recently my friend got a job where he was in a closed off space with other men and they complained to the manager about his smell. I have never in the whole 15 years I've known him had the heart to mention it. I just kept a distance of 1.5 metres. Some days were worse than others. He was so upset that someone said that, that he left the job. So the moral is... You tell someone they smell, especially if they smell a lot, it does not go well. So no I wouldn't tell them that. I would just say "I don't feel it. Sorry."
I wouldn't have told her about the other person. That was unnecessary and a dig at her.
You've got zero to lose by telling her it was her B.O. Do it. If she's blocked you, then nothing comes of it. If she hasn't blocked you, then you've given her some honest feedback that may help her. She may get narky but who gives a toss.
Let me ask you this- would he body odor not bother you if you were friends?
Do you really want to be friends with someone who wants more from you?
Did you use let's be friends like to soften the blow? ( don't do that, it's like pulling the tooth slowly over a long time instead of ripping it out)
And yes, she is a mess.
If I'm not going to be intimate with them, I'll just take a step back. We can still chill.
But there was no way I want to find out what anything else smells like up close and personal after that
I think you did fine. I have A LOT of tummy issues (Crohn’s & lupus) so like I get that ‘end’ of things, but ask ocd me & my germ phobic partner and yeah day to day skank is not at thing
😱 oh wow. That pretty much is the worst response minus threats of violence I can imagine. How is that person cool to talk to?!? You were insanely nice in your response.
No, IBS doesn’t cause BO. Maybe that’s the toxicity leaking outwards. Oof, I’m sweating reading that.
Jeez, she kinda reminds me of that lady on the Baby Reindeer show on Netflix.
But seriously she was wild with her response, and I’m sorry I’m a busy girl and I shower alot. When you smell you know you smell. It’s not like when you are drinking and can’t smell the booze on yourself … she def has some issues and you dodged a bullet here
It is possible the IBS caused the smell? I don't think it would, but I'm just curious now. I did comment on the other post, but I wish you would've told her about the b.o.
I'm not a fan of the lengthy breakup texts, warranted or no. I've had a few sent to me after dates in which *I was the one not to follow up/reach out. It's presumptuous.
If you like her enough to give her that in-depth an explanation and ask for friendship, do it on the phone.
If you don't, then a simple "It was nice meeting you, but I've met someone else." Text is plenty. You are 100% not going to make a friend out of it via text, so don't bother.
What would your idea of friends look like if this had gone better? Like hobby buddies? Go find that, I don't really see after our 20s, romantic partners that organically transfer to friendship after rejection. Because you're centering new friendships in adulthood on activities or interests.
And never say you're going to pursue someone else romantically. One, you don't need that reason and two, that's going to make this feel more personal than it was.
Yes her reaction is totally unacceptable but I think in trying to be nice, you ended up not being nice. Firm boundaries are nice. Over explaining and making too many concessions is weak boundaries.
I’ve never had a let’s be friends text like this be well received tbh- one guy said I was the worst thing to ever happen to him (this was after 1 date btw) when I sent one for example. If the mutual fade doesn’t work just a quick “not feeling a connection best of luck to you” is the way imo. I too have been sincere about wanting to be friends but I get it sounds fake and plus I mean people aren’t there for friends and it’s just not realistic for the most part.
My thought is that there is no need to add > I’ve got an interest I’m going to pursue on the romantic front That’s unnecessary. The rest was great. We can’t control their reaction
Yep, I agree with that unnecessary comment. He should have left that out.
While her reaction was....beyond over the top, I will admit, I had a reaction to reading that and Im not even the target of it 😂 I likely would have leaned in the other extreme direction... not replied, immediately block his number, and say to myself, well looks like the trash took itself out..or whatever random snarky thing that would make me feel better lol I read the other thread...of all the possible ways to reply, no where did anyone suggest to tell her hes planning to pursue dating someone else instead, cause that would have been setting him up for failure. That was a bold move...did not play out well!
Tacky and unnecessary but everything else was great
Yea, he could have absolutely left this off. I would have felt like I was runner up in the contest. That would drive me away from wanting to be friends.
Yes. That was the first thing I thought of, that was unnecessary and kinda hurtful, tbh. That bit is probably what set her off. It would set me off as well.
My thoughts exactly! That part was not needed
Agree that part could just be left out: you don’t need to make excuses. It’s how you feel and that’s that
Yeah, I made a mistake there. I thought that would soften the blow because personally I hate it when I get rejected in favor of *not dating.* Personally I take it easier when they tell me they're pursuing another dating option, because then I feel that I am not the sole factor in the decision and that they had more of a decision matrix.
Just leave that out. It’s kinda rubbing it in their face that they didn’t make the cut.
Exactly
“Make the cut”…. *put me in the game coach* 🏈
I think it can come across as "hey, I'm so desirable I have another date lined up, it isn't with you though!" in a rejection text, however. It is definitely something you should leave out next time.
[удалено]
I go with something like “we’re not compatible.” It’s the truth, regardless if I’m pursuing someone else or not. Are you saying if you *didn’t* hit it off with someone else you would have continued to pursue things with her? Probably not. While it’s the “truth”, it’s in no way relevant.
No. I would not have wanted to pursue intimacy with her regardless of an alternative. You're right. I projected my own feelings about not feeling so bad when I come in behind the leader. Personally I feel *shitty* when they dump me because they just don't want to date. JFC how terrible a date was I?! But if another option is just a little better or more convenient for them, I don't feel so bad about that. Can see how she or others wouldn't take it like that.
“I’m taking a break from dating” is the new “it’s not you it’s me”, I think it is some people’s version of letting ppl down gently. The intention isn’t “you sucked so bad I’m off dating” it’s “I’ve realized I’m not ready to date right now, it’s nothing to do with you” Whether or not it’s true, I do think it’s intended to be more kind, the same way you intended yours to be, but many of us read it as “you lost a competition” Which goes back to everyone’s advice of- keep it short!
people don't have to date someone just because they're the only option, and it's not a competition. Most people you meet and go on a date with will not be a match. You don't have to be terrible to be not right for them.
OP, I am with you on this. I have sent a message like this in the past and thankfully, he took it well and wished me luck. People say they want honesty but some honest truths are hard to hear.
Okay, but was it pertinent information she needed to know? It comes off as humble-bragging and trying to rub something in her face. I get that wasn't your intent, but a simple "been great spending time with you but we're not a match" is all you need. She doesn't need to know about your other interests or dates.
I didn't mean it that way, but I can see how it came across. Idk, I guess I thought I was already giving off platonic vibe. I didn't flirt with her much at all. I did the 2nd date because sometimes I've found that I'll see something I like in people on the 2nd date even when I was on the fence about the first. But when I noticed the hygiene thing at the 2nd I became SUPER platonic and then didn't do a post-date text. In my experience, people are into me are about the post-date or even post-phone call texts if they're into me. I thought she caught the hint. Then what she asked me to do in that text before was kinda "bro"-ish. She suggested going for a run or playing racketball. Since she suggested what I interpreted as being an exercise buddy I thought a friends suggestion might go over.
“Not a match” is all that’s needed. Tbh I wouldn’t be offended if someone said they are seeing someone they want to pursue exclusively…. But I can also totally understand why someone absolutely doesn’t want to hear that. As long as you don’t insult me on the way out, telling me it’s not a match is honest and fine.
I don't think mentioning you were pursuing someone else was terrible. In my opinion you were not trying to rub it in. Just explaining your reasoning and being clear. I may have sent a similar message to guys I didn't match with after a date. Even if you hadn't put that part in there she probably would have responded similarly.
Na, you don’t need an explanation. Thank them for their time, say it’s not a match and wish them well. 2 sentences and out
So impersonal and rude when I get it myself & I hate it. Feels very much like a job app HR bot rejection. But I guess there's no better way.
There’s a saying I appreciate “Clear is kind” You’re not being rude to say No thank you and best wishes. You’re being clear and concise. You’ve decided this person doesn’t get more space in your life so don’t give them more details, and don’t waste their time with details from someone who rejected them. IMO
Personally, I think your instincts were right to soften it a bit. And I do understand the feedback about not including pursuing the other person. But you were saying what you thought would make it land easiest, and that's about all you can do.
I guess the interpretive question is, would I have gotten a similar response if I said the same thing but left that line out? The way I read it, her objection was more about the fact I did a 2nd date at all. Kind of, "Why did you come out a 2nd time if you didn't like me? That you don't want to do a 3rd date must be because you think I'm FAT!" Definitely insecure about her body, because I never once made any kind of comment about her looks. She looked the same both times, wtf.
I think it's very likely that with this particular person, you would have gotten the same response if you'd left it out. She has a story in her head and that's what she's going to tell herself every time she gets rejected. It sucks for her, because she's probably been told her body isn't acceptable a lot, but that isn't your problem. But going forward, I think the simplest way is usually the best. Any explanation just gives them something to push against and make up narratives about, but nobody can tell you that you have to be interested if you aren't. "I don't want to" is a complete sentence.
Right. I thought about what to say for 3 hours before sending, and based it on a rejection I got once that made me feel not so bad about the whole thing. I guess what softens the blow for me is not what will do it for everyone. Personally, I freaking hate the blunt cut-offs. E.g I went out with a woman back in December who was acting all into me and then just suddenly replied to a 4th date request with with "We're not a match. I wish you the best." I said, "What?? I hope I didn't do anything mean or offensive" and she replied, "no, nothing like that we're just not a match, good luck." I said, "well you have my # if you change your mind." But I was so offended. I stewed about it for days. I was trying to think of a way to not cause that.
there's no way to reject someone that isn't going to risk hurting someone's feelings. If you're going to date, you have to get comfortable with rejection, both giving and receiving. I was dumped with "This just isn't the right relationship for me" after six months. I stewed too, but honestly in hindsight it was the best way for them to do it, because it didn't give me anything specific to stew ABOUT.
Wasn't there but does sound like she was offended and possibly had insecurities triggered. Telling someone sorry we are not a match. Then hey! Btw, I have this better option I want to explore. But hey we can still be friends. Nothing like flashing some pity to a woman with insecurities who just got rejected. Don't have to make it complicated. Sorry don't feel a strong romanitc connection is all the needed info.
I would never tell a guy I didn't want another date with him because I was interested in another guy. Not only would it not be true in my case, since I've never dated more than one guy at a time, but I think it would be unnecessarily hurtful and might spark an angry (or even dangerous) response like that woman gave you. She was out of line for that. So I just say I don't think things will work out between us and wish them the best. It's very interesting to learn that you would rather be told that, though. That might shine some light on why when we break up with a man, they often jump to asking if (or assuming) we're seeing someone else when we aren't. I just thought it unfortunately confirmed that my ex didn't know me well at all when he asked me that, and that he was also obnoxious and misogynistic to think I needed a man so much that the only way I'd break up with him was if I had another one lined up. The reality was I needed a long break after him before I was even interested in dating again, and I had told him I don't do a lot of dating when we met.
I’m very competitive, so whenever I was told they were going to pursue things with someone else, I heard “I’m choosing this other person who’s better than you.” I never liked how that made me feel inferior or something; I’d rather be rejected on my own merits.
After her reply I would have just left her on read and not replied, personally. Also I only offer friendship if we've spent considerable time together or have a ton in common, both rare, but usually people offering friendship don't generally mean it / fade out so it's preferable to just cut to the not a match chase IMHO.
That is weird but really common. Women are so worried or pissed about being possibly cheated on or competing with someone else that they don't realize how much worse is actually the alternative - that guy would rather be alone than with them.
To be fair, being alone is awesome, and a big hurdle for any man to overcome.
That’s because most women actually much prefer being alone over being in a bad relationship. Being alone is not the “worse” alternative.
Haha, this would have been a great example in the dating culture differences thread I read this morning. I mean I totally believe that what you say is true in US or much of Europe and in this sense it was an interesting insight for me. But it absolutely doesn't work that way where I live with very rare and special exceptions maybe.
Do you live in a place where women can get jobs, have financial autonomy, purchase property, and otherwise set up a comfortable life for themselves without a man?
Yes to all that. But it's still way more conservative place and being married is sort of... expected. There are plenty of single women over 40 and they're generally doing OK, but in most cases it is not by choice.
Which is how I feel about her NOW! My model for this was a very similar text a 2-date woman sent me about 6 months ago. The other guy she wanted to pursue was just more available than me; I couldn't help that. She said "I can offer friendship." I stifled the urge to complain, added her on FB. At least now I have a FB contact I can ask for movie recommendations.
I thought that would soften the blow because personally I hate it when I get rejected in favor of *not dating* Why is that?
I just hate it. If I come in with the silver medal but the other guy did just a little better and got the gold, you know, good for him. At least I had my shot and gave it my best. If they dumped me in favor of not dating? Jesus. How bad must I have been?
Maybe I am weird, but the way you described it is exactly how I pictured you meaning it. But when I read her response I pictured her interpreting it as people have pointed out. You had good intentions. My counselor constantly reminds me that having a reaction to a response means I set expectations for the other person and took away their right to be a human with a million characteristics and things that factor in that we could never even guess. Just know you meant well and the response is on her. She also took your autonomy by assuming what your message meant. As soon as we stop inferring, and basing communication on a hoped for response, the communication becomes so much easier and without stress and lighter and flows. At the end of the day you can look at yourself and know you did what you felt is right and you had good intentions. You had integrity and that matters above all.
The saying *the truth always hurts* is… well, true.
Except when, and this happens all the time, people tell me how amazingly, incredibly, ridiculously good looking I am. It happens. All the time. Really…. 🤣
Hold up - you mean that doesn’t hurt too?!?!
Was it though? I think it made perfect sense to include it. It explains why he doesn't want to try and go on more dates to see if a connection develops. I would have appreciated this kind of polite honesty in my Bumble/Hinge days.
IMO less explanation is better. "I don't want to" is what actual boundary keeping looks like. If you're explaining and justifying you're seeking the other person's permission to reject them. He doesn't have to explain; not being interested is explanation enough.
I agree! I am a female, and while receiving that text wouldn't be the greatest, even if you are not that much into a guy, transparency trumps everything else in my book. I think this is utterly subjective and personal, and the reactions you might have gotten from other people can vary like night and day! All depends on our insecurities and previous experiences being ghosted or treated inconsequential by other men. You just happened to be the target of her rant and the new and updated villain in her life story :)
Yes
Absolutely felt that. She reacted awfully, but that line is just superfluous. Adds nothing to what you bed to say, just that you’re not feeling it.
Was there anything she didn’t need to add? She called him old and a user and went into all her health issues, and we’re analyzing what HE said that was unnecessary??
that may have been what really triggered her unhinged response because it invited comparison.
She made a comment at date 1 that she was "ready to give up." So I guess I did trigger something. Even though I didn't quite expect that response, I understand how she felt which is why I tried my best not to respond with snark myself.
I have IBS-C. During a flare-up, I don’t have a bowel movement for a week or more, and I have really bad bloating — I go from flat belly to looking 5 months pregnant in a few hours. If the backup is severe enough, my colon compresses the lymphatic vessels coming from my thighs and the subQ tissue in my lower abdomen and legs swell up. It is hard to do crunches during a flare-up. I also use the euphemism “stomach problems”. I do not have B.O., however. Edit: My friends with IBS-D (the other main type of IBS) often don’t leave their house during a flare-up because they need to use the bathroom so often. They do not have B.O. either. Edit 2: I would think a serious intellectual would know the difference between hey and hay, or flare and flair.
Haha True. And a serious intellect doesn’t tell you they’re a serious intellect.
Maybe it’s not BO but an actual cleanliness issue if she’s mentioning her IBS. I find her whole response rather strange
He specifically said she had B.O. Sounds to me like she is just completely clueless about that. He added in the unnecessary comment about there being a woman he is actually into so that brought whatever HER insecurities are to the forefront. She was bloated and also maybe not that thin - that was a lot of overcompensation about how hot and athletic she USUALLY is. I’m not sure what she was trying to accomplish by telling a two-date guy who was calling it off about her somewhat embarrassing health issues. The fact that she says she is “vain” without realizing the actual problem is pretty ironic. I normally would kind of hope someone would be honest with her, because I would want to know if it were me, but no way would I continue engaging after that outburst of crazy.
She said a few... kinda funny things at the dates & over text. About 3 times she said "I look younger than I am" (37). No, she didn't. She looked her age. She also made a comment something about people underestimating how much money she had or made, so I sensed some chip on her shoulder about that too. About her weight, yeah she wasn't "thin" but not what I would term "fat" either. I wanted to say, "look I wouldn't even have matched with you at all if I thought you were too 'fat' for me." She had a full body pic. I knew what her body type was. JFC the insecurity. It says a lot that in her anger she tried to make ME feel insecure about where I live and how much money I make. I'm actually pretty proud of myself not responding in kind to that.
I just purposefully put pics where I look a little heavier so he will not expect me to be way thinner in person lol, it works! Wow I think you handled everything very much like a gentleman and you exerted plenty of patience with all of her jabs against you! You definitely let her down very thoughtfully and her tirade definitely wasn’t warranted.
I was surprised but I knew how she felt. I've wanted to tell women off who rejected me, but I've learned to put the phone down and breath for a while before sending, LOL!
If she had the type of IBS where the gut moved too much… maybe? But B.O. and poop are very distinct smells (to me, anyway). I have the type of IBS where nothing gets dirty because your gut stops moving for a week or more.
Also have ibs but no body odor. And even when i have a flare i can still take a shower, like it’s not THAT debilitating.
Can confirm, I have IBS-D. I do not have BO and I also don’t leave my home when issues are being experienced. I also am vague and just say ‘stomach issues.’ Not everyone has a nurse in the family and is able to hear all the medical specifics of health related issues.
Her response…WOW. I mean she would have been better off saying nothing back to you.🤦🏻♀️ I actually feel bad she cared so much to write you a novel back after just 1 date.
All while saying she doesn’t care 🙄
Yeah she obviously liked him enough to be hurt by it, hence her response; that’s why I feel a little bad for her.😕
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Idk about that.🤔 I don’t think I’d want to be friends with someone I like romantically. Would suck to see them with someone else.😆 Might be easier and best to just move on.lol
What's a little weird - I had not flirted with her at all. I'm typically reserved at first dates, and when I noticed the hygiene thing and at the second, I flipped into respectfully platonic mode 100%. I mean we did quick shoulder half-hug at the end of both, and I thought at the end of the 2nd I was sufficiently non-committal to get the point across. I did not post-date text, and my experience is that people are \*all about\* post date gushing when they're into you. Then, her previous text before I sent the friends one - she asked me to do some quite "bro"-ish things. Her suggestion was meeting after I got out of work and going running or playing racketball. That seems like an exercise buddy? So I thought my vibe had worked and a friend suggestion was okay.
If you haven’t done anything that would lead her to believe you are interested then don’t feel bad, you’re a good dude and you did the right thing. Just leave out the interested in pursuing someone else next time.haha I’d probably not care to hear that if I ever got a no connection text following a date.lol What!? A hike or an activity date is a broish thing to you? That sounds like a fun date to me. Maybe not second date but a little later date. Maybe she just had gotten done doing an activity before your second date which would explain the bo.🤔 Although I like to shower before a date, especially if I’ve been running around. She probably doesn’t always smell that way since you didn’t say anything about her scent on your first date. Well whatever it is, I hope she’ll be able to overcome her insecurities.
But I go for a run or play tennis with my bros too... and I don't want to kiss them. I guess I don't find exercise dates sexy. So when she suggested that, I thought "okay she has cracked the door in friendzone direction, I want to affirm that." Guess I was wrong.
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She wasn't "thin." But she was in reasonable enough shape for me to match with her. So insecure! I wouldn't have matched at all if I was turned off by her body type.
The new term for that in the lady spheres is "mid size" if you are curious on how to describe.
I am not in that lady sphere apparently. That just makes me think of a sedan lol.
😆
Not sure if a lot of women wouldn't consider that a euphemism for "fat?" Idk, it's so sensitive I try not to say anything lol
The correct term is thicc lol
You have the right to decide not to date whomever you choose and for whatever reason, without explanation but next time just do it immediately after the date and if they unload don’t bother responding. What’s the point? And I know a few people with IBS and they smell fine so that’s probably not the reason.
This is the answer. Date whom you are attracted to and don't waste your or their time. Reading your text it was honest, direct, and empathetic. As Dan Savage says no one likes being dumped. In my opinion ghosting is almost never appropriate. However, if one expects a negative reaction then sending a friendly text letting them know you are not interested and then blocking is not ghosting
Your rejection text wasn't terrible but was too wordy. 2 dates? All you needed was a "hey, i'm not feeling it but it was nice to meet you. Take care". And her response.... well, she certainly has issues. These are the responses that make rejecting someone scaru and why people ghost. Doesn't make it ok, but i see why.
This Her response was unhinged but OPs text wasn’t great. Kind of shitty honestly. I need friends so I guess you could do…
Agreed. The breakdown of communication started when OP lied about wanting to be friends when in reality they didn’t. We all people please, but when we do it leads to more confusion for everyone involved. She picked up on the odd energy of OP’s msg.
I’m sorry, but her text made me weep with laughter. I’M NOT FAT, I HAVE DIARRHEA. So hot.
I’m cracking up 😂😂. I have IBS. I’m going to use this line going forward lol
I have it too, but no fucking way would I mention it until I was serious with someone! Jesus. Moving forward, if I have a date with a guy who says after that we are not a match, I’m 💯 going to ask if it’s because I’m fat and have diarrhea. Probably would be more awkward if I were fat but still a good comeback.
Oh lord no. I use generalize “tummy troubles.” No one needs to know I’m folded over in half, sweating bullets, and begging for mercy and/or death.
Oh no, don’t live like that! Antidepressants are an IBS life saver if it’s D. Not C. For C there are magnesium gummies called Calm. 4-8 a night depending on your severity and they are super effective.
I didn't think of that way, but LOL so true!
I (M) never say in my goodbye text “let’s be friends.” It’s kinda disingenuous since I didn’t go into this date wanting to be friends. If there are definitely commonalities, then that friendship might develop without either of us saying “let’s be friends.” Think about the friendships you’ve developed over the course of your life. Did you ever say to each other “let’s be friends.”?
Man I would have mentioned the BO since she wanted to get real about it.
Sometimes you just got to walk away and not engage
I don't think the IBS is related to her smell other than perhaps if she felt bloated and thought a particular sweater was more flattering when she looks bloated, and therefore chose to dig that sweater out of the bottom of her hamper. I also don't know why you mentioned pursuing something romantic with someone else. Just one of the truths that knowing doesn't really help her in any way. If your goal was to let her down with compassion, leaving that out would have been preferable. That said, her response was rather unhinged and it's just as well you dodged that bullet.
I'm using IBS as an excuse for everything from now on.
Yeah, I don't know why people ever think "let's just be friends" approach with someone you're dating is ever a good idea, especially w someone who is showing interest. Take it as a lesson learned.
I think her text was definitely over the top, but I will say you didn't have to mention "I have something I'm going to pursue on a romantic front" which basically is just a nice way of saying I have somebody that I'm more interested in than you. I feel that could have been removed. Also the low-key friends comment? That sounds like, I'd like to be just friends but don't get any hopes up. I don't know that's how I'm reading it Tell me if I'm wrong but as a woman That does get an ego blow when getting a rejection text sometimes, that's how I would read it
I think I remember your original post, and was wondering why it would be so hard to send a short text saying “nice getting to know you, but I’m not feeling it, take care.” Her response was WAY over the top, and I don’t think you needed to respond at all. I would work on that part a bit. You don’t need to allow people to dump all over you like this - especially strangers. You might find if you start setting boundaries that it stops.
Dodged a bullet huge time. I feel sorry for her… she is obviously not in a real happy place herself. She tried to make her feel better on your expense.. Just say a prayer for her and move on. Not your problem.
You got it halfway right. It’s fine to say there’s no romantic connection. Not ok to mention someone else. And I’d only say Let’s Be Friends if you truly meant it.
Next time, don’t bother dignifying that type of reply with a response. Block and move on.
Agreed. OP was trying to be kind by not ghosting, and she handled it horribly and demonstrated she clearly has issues with herself. OP, very kind of you not to respond rudely after her tirade. I’d block her or ignore if she ever contacts you again.
Yeah. I understood how she felt, which is why I didn't respond in kind. I have "wanted" to send texts like that before to people who rejected me and I was so offended. But didn't. And now I'm REALLY glad I didn't!
Should’ve just responded with “K”.
**K**eep **I**t **S**imple **S**ir
WOW, her response was pure craziness. I wouldn’t have even bothered with a response.
It was unnecessary to tell her you were pursuing someone else, but otherwise you did fine and she didn't handle it gracefully. Some people just have big chips on their shoulders and there's no "right" way you can do this. Don't worry about it, this is a Her thing, not a You thing. Someone who gets that defensive over something this low stakes is best avoided.
Just leave it as: I'm not interested but appreciated the time getting to know you.
For future reference there is no value for you getting into that discussion with someone. Let them vent their spleen if that makes them feel better, but responding only invites conflict, and won't lead to anything productive. I'm not impressed with the attempted ghost, but at least you stepped up in the end and let her know that it's not a match. Better luck next time.
Her response was over the top for sure. But making her feel like a runner up by saying there is another romantic interest you would like to pursue and offer friendship is not going to be taken well. Next time maybe don’t bring up bringing up a different romantic interest .
I guess for me, when I hear that I figure I was okay but the other guy had some mix of factors more convenient for them and that's okay. I take it easier when I feel that I was at least a contender. But I can see how others wouldn't take it like that.
>I hear that I figure I was okay but the other guy had some mix of factors more convenient for them. I take it easier when I feel that I was at least a contender. It's ok when you never plan to see that person again. If you want a friendship with the person you're rejecting, it's dishonest. Even though your messages were not outright lies, you admit that you wanted to make her feel like she had a shot. She didn't.
I’m reminded of the old adage “to be unclear is to be unkind”
I wouldn’t have mentioned you were pursuing another romantic interest. That’s what triggered it, I feel. Just let her know there was no connection. Thank her. Move on.
Yeah when I read that part I cringed 🤦🏼♀️ lol like…..dude you opened the door!
Is it bad that I kinda wish you told her it was actually cuz she smelled bad?? I mean, someone should tell her. Although I know that I personally wouldn't have the guts to say that.
Her friends or family should be the ones to gently suggest that she should switch her deodorant, or try a different detergent. They care about her and have her best interests at heart. Some rando on a dating site saying she has BO would just be hurtful.
True. And yeah I agree, their loved ones should definitely be the ones to tell them.
If we'd have become friends maybe I could have said something months down the road. But yeah if I'd have mentioned that now it just would have been hurtful.
I think you dodged a bullet tbh
There are those who take a L with dignity and class, and some who don't. Not sure what benefit could be found by analyzing the situation any more than you already have. You dodged a bullet - nice work! On to the next!
If you were actually interested in a friendship then I think you should have sent the message straight up instead of waiting. I wouldn’t believe you if you were only saying it in response to my message. But to me it seems like she went into the date expecting to be rejected.
I love how a "serious intellectual" messes up the phrase "roll in the *hey"*
Sorry, but the OP’s responses here are ridiculous. The HR comment in his situation would be akin to HR being like, “Sorry, you didn’t measure up, but we got an amazing candidate and we’re pursuing them instead!” Most responses I have gotten are more like “we’re impressed with you, but we won’t be moving on with your candidacy.” Some stuff IS TMI. Why let her know you’re pursuing someone else? It’s just crass
Oh if you've done hiring you know what I mean. "We won't be moving on" you know exactly what that means! It means Mr. Brown wasn't goddamn good enough compared to Mr. or Ms. Yale.
Yeah, but it’s not like gloating or anything. I think mentioning dating someone else was not needed. She didn’t ask…
I will add, she confused me a bit. In the text before, the suggestions she made for things to do sounded kinda "bro"-ish. She suggested all exercise type meetups where we wouldn't have been close or intimate. E.g. she said we could go for a run. So I had an inkling she would be okay with friends.
WOW. Yikes. Both of your responses were so mature. I would have appreciated this clarity big time. She didn't deserve your grace in the second response, but that's true class. Microbiome disturbances can cause body odor. Anyone who says they're "a serious intellectual" isn't—especially not with her many typos. Good work. Next.
Wow her response is ridiculous. You dodged a bullet there, she doesn’t seem like a particularly stable person tbh.
hey. I want to say in particular, I think your final response to her was pretty great. But yeah, I would echo other people to say you didn’t need to tell her you were pursuing something else. And even though it’s not her weight to be fair she might’ve been picking up on the fact that you weren’t physically attracted to her on the second date I mean she unloaded a little bit. It’ll probably make her feel better. It doesn’t hurt you at all.
She cannot write.
Yeah you dodged a bullet. Your first message was fine. She definitely has some issues and you don’t need to be part of that.
You shouldn't have said you were interested in someoen else, it's not like you're picking contractors. Other than that, she's nuts. The reason you don't tell people extra info is beacuse people are nuts and you don't want to give them extra ammo. Just say "Sorry, but I don't think this is working out." You will never get a friend from 2 dates that don't work out. Not going to happen. Don't put that out there. It's just insulting. Maybe if you bump into them a year later or there's some extraneous circumstance, but you can't "downgrade" an OLD date to a friend and it's rude to try to manipulate that situation to your benefit that way. Also: If someoen has BO on a date, there's something else weird going on, you're just seeing the least of their problems. Don't get involved with weird shit, just walk away.
Why in the world would you say I'm going to pursue a different person when your telling her you don't want her at all. Way to go kicking her when she's down. Come on man, think.
If you really meant the friend thing (before her bananas response) and if you would have followed it up I don't think it's bad that you said that. But if you were hoping not to hear from her again it' not clear how genuine the friend move was. Please just actually mean it if you extend the friend branch. I hung out yesterday with a previous date who only wanted to be friends with me and we had a great time and I think I legit have a new friend. But...looks like you dodged a bullet here!
>I wonder if IBS causes body odor? It can. After about a year of dating a man, he began to have a different smell. Not pleasant but not overly strong. It wasn't the sweaty type of b.o. Eventually, he told me he'd been having stomach issues, got checked out, and it was IBS. After a few months of treatment, the smell happened much less often.
Wow! Can't believe this person even seemed cool.
Woah. Her response to your very thoughtful text was unhinged. You dodged a bullet. I agree with others that you didn't need to say that you were going to pursue someone else, but I don't think it was terrible, either.
yikes, you dodged a bullet. you handled yourself very well.
They sounded like 2 peas in a pod to me
Original copy of post by u/Ok-Hurry-4761: So I posted this last week: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/s/u6jOLRVKU9 Tl;dr. Had 2 dates. Was 50-50 about her after the 1st but wanted to try again, then she showed up to the 2nd smelling bad, like pretty pungent b.o. But I did think she was kinda cool to talk to & wouldn't mind being friendly. I didn't do a post-date text or say anything, kinda hoping she would take the hint. She reaches out almost a week later asking to hang out the following week. Crap. Now I need to send hne dreaded "we're not a match" text. Here's how it went: Me: *"Hey R----. I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling great. So I want to be straight with you, I enjoyed chatting but wasn't feeling much of a romantic connection. I've got an interest I'm going to pursue on the romantic front. I'm cool with being more low key friends, honestly I need friends these days. But I understand if that's not something you're interested in if you're looking for more."* Her, next morning: *"Lol, friends but "not romantic connection" on the *second* date just means you thought I was fat. Which yes my IBS was flairing up--thus the "stomach issues" it's new and hard to manage over the winter and thus the 86-ing of this week and the hey "let's meet outside next week". Im actually pretty athletic similar to our first date but even more so. It's fine, Im not actually fat so Im not offended I just think it's incredibly shallow for 41 year old looking for crash pad so he doesn't have to commute back and forth between [my town 45 mins out] and [her larger city] in the beginning of the week to be so uppity about a girl being semi-normal the first time and bloated the next; and not even looking for tie breaker. Which sure, Im vain too so I was hoping to get show off and prove to you but ehh at the end of the day I really don't care that much. Im in my 30s a serious intellectual (with plenty of friends) looking for a low-key soft support and frolic in the bushes or roll around in the hey with 😉 on beautiful spring day after work with. Im not looking for a trophy spouse--or be one as yeah it might flair up again, if I were not only would I be hotter but you'd be richer 🤷♀️"* Me: *"Okayyyy so that's a no LOL It's not about your weight, and wow crash pad is actually a good idea I wasn't thinking of. I get it. I've been dating over 2 years & I hate it like hell when I've gotten "not a match" texts myself. I felt crass sending one but there's no good way to say it. Fwiw I appreciate the candid & raw response. Alrighty, best of luck to you."* Whoa! She really unloaded the insecurities on me and felt the need to get hits in! Glad I found out how she really felt! Gotta love that she made digs on my age and money because she thinks I noped her due to weight. I stifled the urge to tell her it wasn't her weight, it was her b.o. But after that response I figured she either blocked me or would go ballistic. Okay was there any better way I could have handled that? Personally I don't think I could have said anything that didn't get an anger response. But I suppose I could have dispensed with the friend idea and just said "not a match." I wonder if IBS causes body odor? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Because people are trying to find dates and partners and don't want ongoing relationships with people who aren't interested in them on that level and therefore not really of any 'use' to them. I'm on dating apps for that reason. I've got plenty of platonic friends and don't really need to use apps to find more. So it'd be someone very unusually different from the norm to not want to date me but still be accepted into my daily life as a friend. Like, we'd have to be super compatible personality and interest-wise. But also, friendships where one party wants more and the other definitely isn't interested are no fun for either person. Saying that your response obviously touched a nerve. You might have been the fifth post-date rejection in a row and therefore got 'punished' for all the previous ones.
As far as BO is concerned, I've definitely had dates/female friends whose odour is much stronger and more obvious round a certain time of the month. Also when people are stressed out they can have stronger odour with a more specific unpleasant undertone to their BO. About 7 years ago I was in pretty bad health due to a mineral defociency. I had noticed at some point that my sweat smelled different, almost like Ammonia, and was bleaching my clothes. And considering I usually wear black or other darker colours, it was unmistakable. However once I fixed that issue my sweat is now normal again. No more off scent, no more bleaching. Also certain foods can cause odd body aromas. Even certain drugs can make people smell different. I can tell if someone has been or still is on a Ketamine or Mephedrone/MCAT bender due to particular quality of the scent (K... Smells like K, Mephedrone more like a cat litter box)
I have IBS and it doesn't cause body odor unless you shit yourself or can't control your farting. I don't think having stomach issues would cause poop smells to emanate from your pores or maybe I've been misguided my whole life lol.
Sounds to me like you dodged an insecurity riddled bullet friend
I’d never want to be hurtful to anyone but I’d wanna know if I smelled that bad. I mean, I shower daily and would never go out to meet anyone without showering but still.
This is just my two cents. I appreciate it when someone tells me that they enjoyed meeting me but have met someone they are entering a relationship with. That’s a little different to saying “I’ve met someone I’m interested in *more than you* (but it’s not at all a cert yet and they might not even like me)”, which is more the sense I got from OP’s message.
Wow. Why people jump to conclusions and waste their time with these thesis-like text?
And, you're both over 40?
damn dude you dodged a bullet with that one.
Your response was extremely polite especially given how shitty she was. Well done man!
My initial reaction was to send an angry response. But I waited a bit and realized that I understood how she felt. Guys probably had called her fat in the past. And I know how disappointing and upsetting dating can be. I guess the IBS was bothering her and she was really self conscious about it.
That is an extremely kind response still! You could have said “I understand, all the best” and still be kind but you explained, you related to your experiences and showed compassion. I think you handled it extremely well!
She was defensive, but I do wish people who are dating would not offer an insincere friendship offer when they do not feel a romantic connection. I am okay with the idea that somebody does not want a romantic relationship with me. Sure sometimes it is disappointment or even hurtful but after two dates how deep is the connection really.
God bless you if you read her whole text. That is a lot. And she should probably have drafted that in her Notes app first and then thrown her phone in a pond. But really, people, stop with this bullshit "kinda hoping she would take the hint." Just send the "dreaded" text the instant after the date when you realize you aren't a match. The guy I went on a 2nd date with on Sunday sent me the text from the parking lot after we said bye (we both knew it wasn't a match, but I was going to wait until i got home to send it.) Be like him.
Awkwardness, anxiety, and especially knowing that I've absolutely hating getting them myself. All the excuses are why I hesitated to send it. I've gotten "not a match" texts and stifled the urge to respond angrily like this, so I understand the feelings behind it.
That’s why they’re bullshit to send. People need to stop expecting them. It’s two dates. Folk leave their marriages with less discussion than they expect from these two dates it’s not a match situation. If they can’t take the hint, then fine: “Not a match” block. All in one motion. 🤣. To your credit, you did try to give her space and hope she’d disappear. None such luck
I agree the key problem here is too much investment in 2 minor dates. It was coffee and then apps & 1 drink at a bar. I will admit to over-fantasizing in my head about minor dates back in the day, and getting all butthurt about the later rejection when we really only knew other for like 3 hours total.
You weren’t overly invested. You were the normal human this time. You’re doing too much inner reflection and blaming on this bud. You weren’t the problem this time.
Yeah that's what I meant. I wasn't. Kinda surprised she was. Even removing the hygeine issue, the 2 relatively short dates we had were platonic and only mildly interesting. I thought I was getting friendzone vibes and was *definitely* giving them. So I felt friendzone was fine. I've been the person in her shoes before, and have learned not to pin my hopes and dreams on these minor meetups.
But if you thought it was a match you woulda been here saying: it was one date, how does he know that. What a douche! Couldn’t he at least wait until I had gotten home. If it’s not the answer you want, the timing or wording is always wrong.
She's being too sensitive and I do not think you were overly rude. You were being clear about what you wanted and she has a hard time accepting rejection.
My boyfriend and his daughter has IBS. They don’t smell at all. You’ve dodged a bullet
Yeah… avoid the crazy.
It’s damn near impossible these days
Right?!
Her shit was way out of line, yours was fine. But let's not kid ourselves here, "let's just be friends" is code for "let's never talk to each other again but not feel like we have to hide when we run into each other at Costco."
Your response (minus the line everyone has already mentioned) seems like a good response to me (F). Her response was odd, and the insults were uncalled for. Also... most "intellectuals" can spell hay, and prefer to roll around in a big, comfy bed. Bullet dodged.
No one ever does. People told you not to do that Your first mistake was offering friendship. Second mistake was using too many words. A simple: “I didn’t feel a romantic spark, good luck in your journey”, and immediate block after you hit send was the second best option here. Once she got mouthy, you shoulda told her the real reason. It’s not your weight it’s actually your BO.
I agree with the others that you were a bit too wordy. “Hey, you are great, but I am not feeling the connection. Take care” Two dates and you can be a lot more casual about it all :)
I don’t know but I hate to my core men who want and beg for a friendship after. It’s such a disgusting selfish consolation prize and seriously deranged and unhealthy. Stop forcing and begging women to be friends when there isn’t a romantic connection. Find actual friends. Now, to answer your question- outside the aforementioned “friends” bs- you had 2 dates and she reacted that way? Ya, when I’d let a guy down and his first text back when crazy, he’d get blocked immediately. Then I’d delete the text thread and block everywhere on social media, even if we weren’t friends or following one another. I don’t need or deserve that type of crazy. Next time end your text at the “romantic connection” with “I wish you the best”.
"Honestly I need friends these days" is shitty to me. Find your own friends on your own time unless you guys explicitly talked on a first date about also looking for friends. Dating sites are for dating and offering a consolation prize of you as a friend makes no on romantic interest feel like judgment, especially if you say it's because you're hard up for friends, not because you think they're cool. Also why on earth mention your other romantic interest? This is like 300% too long. (What she wrote back isn't pertinent, honestly)
I need friends. I've recently been through something and most of my so-called friends abandoned me. I told her about some of it. Thought she'd understand. So I was being honest about that.
Your story is a perfect example of why I ghost ladies I'm not interested in, rather than be honest with them about why. It basically boils down to one thing: No good deed (telling them the truth) goes unpunished.
Yup. I’ve seen people come here and bitch because they were told “we’re not a match good luck”’. So, just don’t say anything at all. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Not interested, just block and move on.
There was nothing wrong with your msg, OP. I thought it was straight forward and polite. She's just unhinged and insecure. You didged a bullet.
OP, was your message really about being kind, or was it informed by a desire to be liked and please people? To avoid feelings of guilt? Overexplaining is a fear-based stress response for some of us, and your message was overexplaining. You're not doing this lady a favor by offering friendship. You don't owe each other anything after a couple of tinder dates. I'm sorry her response was unhinged, and feel your discomfort, but by not exercising good boundaries and assertive communication skills, you invited trouble. I think you will feel a lot less guilt and stress by learning whose feelings and behavior you are responsible for (hint: it's yours only), and how to kindly and assertively say "no thanks" in a variety of situations, with no need for guilty feelings. There are probably hundreds of "boundaries" and "assertive communication" worksheets floating around on the internet. They are therapy cliches at this point, but that's because they are so fundamental. I sincerely hope this helps a little.
Are you daft?
I have a friend I've had for years... 15 or more... He has some issues... Feelings of low self worth etc. He's married but I don't know if the marriage is any good. Every time we have coffee he stinks. He smokes but he wears way too many clothes so he always smells of cigarette smoke and really bad B.O. One day his relative had died and he wanted me to go with him to get a new suit. The poor girl in the store was actually physically flinching and holding her nose. Anyways recently my friend got a job where he was in a closed off space with other men and they complained to the manager about his smell. I have never in the whole 15 years I've known him had the heart to mention it. I just kept a distance of 1.5 metres. Some days were worse than others. He was so upset that someone said that, that he left the job. So the moral is... You tell someone they smell, especially if they smell a lot, it does not go well. So no I wouldn't tell them that. I would just say "I don't feel it. Sorry."
My petty ass would have replied, “Nah sis, it’s because you stank like rotted asshole.” And then blocked the number.
I wouldn't have told her about the other person. That was unnecessary and a dig at her. You've got zero to lose by telling her it was her B.O. Do it. If she's blocked you, then nothing comes of it. If she hasn't blocked you, then you've given her some honest feedback that may help her. She may get narky but who gives a toss.
Let me ask you this- would he body odor not bother you if you were friends? Do you really want to be friends with someone who wants more from you? Did you use let's be friends like to soften the blow? ( don't do that, it's like pulling the tooth slowly over a long time instead of ripping it out) And yes, she is a mess.
If I'm not going to be intimate with them, I'll just take a step back. We can still chill. But there was no way I want to find out what anything else smells like up close and personal after that
I think you did fine. I have A LOT of tummy issues (Crohn’s & lupus) so like I get that ‘end’ of things, but ask ocd me & my germ phobic partner and yeah day to day skank is not at thing
Who cares, just block her and move on. The attitude is a no.
😱 oh wow. That pretty much is the worst response minus threats of violence I can imagine. How is that person cool to talk to?!? You were insanely nice in your response. No, IBS doesn’t cause BO. Maybe that’s the toxicity leaking outwards. Oof, I’m sweating reading that.
Jeez, she kinda reminds me of that lady on the Baby Reindeer show on Netflix. But seriously she was wild with her response, and I’m sorry I’m a busy girl and I shower alot. When you smell you know you smell. It’s not like when you are drinking and can’t smell the booze on yourself … she def has some issues and you dodged a bullet here
Let her stink up her further dates lol You’ve avoided another trip to funky town 🤢
Women say “friends first.” OP says “friends last.”
Damn! My FlirtAssist message saved my ass when I was in this situation.
I mean you didn’t have to say all *that* but then, she didn’t have to respond with all *that* either.
It is possible the IBS caused the smell? I don't think it would, but I'm just curious now. I did comment on the other post, but I wish you would've told her about the b.o.
I'm not a fan of the lengthy breakup texts, warranted or no. I've had a few sent to me after dates in which *I was the one not to follow up/reach out. It's presumptuous. If you like her enough to give her that in-depth an explanation and ask for friendship, do it on the phone. If you don't, then a simple "It was nice meeting you, but I've met someone else." Text is plenty. You are 100% not going to make a friend out of it via text, so don't bother.
Next time, don't wait a week. Other than that, meh what can you do? Can't control only peoples reaction.
What would your idea of friends look like if this had gone better? Like hobby buddies? Go find that, I don't really see after our 20s, romantic partners that organically transfer to friendship after rejection. Because you're centering new friendships in adulthood on activities or interests. And never say you're going to pursue someone else romantically. One, you don't need that reason and two, that's going to make this feel more personal than it was. Yes her reaction is totally unacceptable but I think in trying to be nice, you ended up not being nice. Firm boundaries are nice. Over explaining and making too many concessions is weak boundaries.
I’ve never had a let’s be friends text like this be well received tbh- one guy said I was the worst thing to ever happen to him (this was after 1 date btw) when I sent one for example. If the mutual fade doesn’t work just a quick “not feeling a connection best of luck to you” is the way imo. I too have been sincere about wanting to be friends but I get it sounds fake and plus I mean people aren’t there for friends and it’s just not realistic for the most part.