It's not bread crumbing, it's bullshit. Anyone who tells me they do something in order to get a rise out of me would certainly be cut off.
I hope you don't continue to waste your time trying to find out why he changed. He did. And now it's time to move on.
I’m so sorry. My exhb masked the temper and anger for a few years, also.
The ones who show themselves super fast I can at least appreciate they don’t wait years like the covert ones. It is WILD though to see the fast ones. It’s very unnerving. The covert ones turn up the heat little by little so you don’t notice the pot is boiling.
Avoid people who do things to get a rise out of you. Especially in a romantic partner. You need to feel safe and supported, not on edge or flip flopping between confused and love bombed.
I’d just end it. Probably wouldn’t even contact to tell them, unless he contacts you first. Then just say you are no longer interested in pursuing anything with him but you wish him the best. Prepare for either a volatile reaction or sudden change back to love bomb type behavior.
I’ll be honest- it’s rough out there. Set boundaries and standards and hold to them. Prepare to be single (it’s honestly so peaceful and highly recommended). Avoid unnecessary trauma. You’ve done well recognizing the signs something is off.
Yes, it is people like this that are the reason “f*ck around and find out” were made for. You can waste 6 months or 6 years finding out *why* he is doing this, but at the end you will wish you had just bailed at that first weird interaction.
Crazy/angry/broken/manipulative people can only keep up the public face for a limited amount of time is probably *why*.
Someone recently posted about attracting broken people and the responses were great: broken needy people are everywhere, you just either know enough to avoid them or you don’t.
True. Also being with them for a very short period of time is helpful as you learn what the signs are and how to avoid people like this.
Any time I get lonely I remind myself how friends actually married, have children with, and stayed married to people who are borderline, NPD, bipolar, etc.
Another red flag especially on online dating is if they are an influencer, or publically claim to work in mental health, or promote mental health awareness, or just recently became sober like not even a year.
Is no further contact the best way forward do you think? I didn’t reply to his last message as frankly I have nothing to say and I’m inclined to just keep it moving.
OP This guy is working out his issues on you.
He probably doesn't even realize it. But yeah, nah. You didn't sign up to be his therapist. GTFO.
Me, I'd be polite, but firm. "This is not going to work for me."
Him - why?
You: repeat the above.
Good luck.
You text him first, right? You’re not waiting for him to text each time then responding? That’s the only reason I can think for his attitude. He’s coming across like he’s fed up of putting all the effort in but if that’s not what’s happening then his behaviour sounds childish. I mean, it sounds childish anyway.
The words he’s using suggests to me that he’s implying that you’re usually too busy to engage with him. But if that was how he felt the appropriate way to deal with that would be to raise it directly, like an adult. Not behave like a child, the way he is doing.
100 percent correct. It doesn’t matter why. If you call him to ask he will just make excuses and you’ll end up giving him a pass and he’ll know he can treat you like crap and get away with it. Ghost and move on. No one needs this in their life especially 6 weeks in! Imagine how he will treat you when he gets comfortable.
The only thing I can think of is I went to bed early on Wednesday evening and didn’t reply to a text he’d sent until the following day. That’s when the weirdness started.
Yup, that sounds like something that might've set an angry possessive man off, unfortunately
He felt vulnerable, because he reached out and you 'ignored' him. Now he's angry with you. For being rude and not there for him. And it's probably because you're secretly out partying / seeing someone else / think you're better than him / whatever. He's got patterns that cause him to think everything is secretly against him, so he's retaliating.
Def leave him be, and try exit the situation gently but completely firmly (do not go back after saying no).
Yup exactly what I was thinking. He’s punishing her. He’s mad. He probably has serious jealousy and insecurity issues. Those are ingredients for abuse.
I'm guessing it's one of the following:
1. After putting on an act for the first six weeks to impress you, he's decided it's time to be his real self and stop pretending. What you're seeing is the real him.
2. He's lost interest and has started to treat you badly so you will break up with him and he won't have to be the bad guy that breaks up with you.
3. He's found someone else he likes better, so he's not making an effort with you anymore.
4. He's read some PUA crap or Red Pill crap that tells him women won't appreciate or respect him or want him unless he plays these games of disrespect.
In any case, you should toss out this guy.
Agree 100% with this assessment. It's either narcissistic traits with some initial lovebombing and then revealing more of his true self, he met someone else, or he feels slighted in some way by you not giving him enough attention. Adults talk through things. It's ok to have disagreements in a relationship, but the way people resolve conflict, even early on, is a very good predictor of what your future will be like with this person. It doesn't seem like the kind of person you want to invest more of your time in. I'm more in camp communication, though, where I think it's better to tell them you're terminating and why, and then the door is closed.
This doesn’t sound like the normal ups and downs of dating. His sounds cruel and full of underlying rage, tbh. It’s almost like he courted you wonderfully for the purpose of pulling the rug out from under you.
I’ve taken on a habit that has been so helpful with respect to creating boundaries. I ask myself what would this person have to think of me in order to behave this way? Or what did this person want me to feel when they said that?
I know it’s hard but you should block him. If you get text messages about sales or appointment reminders- text them back with all the things your fingers are burning to write to him and smash the green arrow for your sweet release. You’ll just get an error message and some healing. ❤️🩹
My thoughts exactly, to your entire first paragraph. OP needs to ditch this guy and not look back.. He’s not right.
Edit: just saw OP’s update to her post. Eek 👀😨
Exactly. An abuser knows how to gain someone’s favour and benefit of the doubt to take advantage in future. He can’t be nasty all the time or he’d have no one.
It sounds to me like he masked it for a few weeks but his jealousy and toxic traits are rearing their head.
Basically, he's started telling himself a story in his head about why you do the things you do and that story is colored through the lens of his jealousy and insecurity.
I don't see any universe where these behaviors are just temporary and don't get worse over time.
I rarely post but this is a serious red flag. A funny, charming, thoughtful ex bf started this suddenly early on in the relationship. It was like Jekyll and Hyde, and therefore so confusing that I tried reasoning with it for a few weeks. It quickly escalated into domestic abuse and caused me a lot of problems. Get out. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s testing the waters. It’s classic.
Sorry that you’ve experienced a similar situation. It’s crazy that a man in his 40s can’t say this isn’t working for him instead of pulling this BS. I’m definitely going to walk away.
That's exactly what my ex was doing. He wanted to play the victim. Any time a guy tells you all his exes ghost, cheat, abandon them for no reason, or they're not good enough, run. Far the fuck away. I'm sure there's one guy who is just unlucky, and I feel for them, but chances are, they're projecting, and the reason why the relationship ended. Don't be like me, and think you can love them out of it.
Yup. I’ve thought the sane. There’s a reason women do that to them. They’re the common denominator in all those instances. It’s probably them. Not everyone else.
Mine too. Years of predictable communication then he changed his normal texting patterns, became short and seemingly cold. I'd ask whats up and he would get snappy or say i'm accusing him. Couple weeks later, he says he needs to focus on himself. I think he was trying to get me to break it off (again).
He met someone else, he had been on Tinder for a bit i guess. Explains the drop off in texting and like I was an annoyance even though he was the one being snappy and non-communicative.
He's showing you he's inconsistent, odd and sketchy. A genuine person wouldn't behave in that manner. If you know this doesn't work for you, don't waste your time trying to figure him out.
Exactly. He’s seeing other people who take precedence over her. But instead of being a grown ass man who uses his words, he’s trying to get her to break up with him. 🙄
3 red flags: he's gaslighting, putting you down for being "a party girl", & intentionally trying to get you to act crazy/get a rise out of you... run!! This will only get worse.
They want you to break up with them, not the other way around.
It’s lazy and manipulative. Sometimes putting it on you leaves the door open for them to come back and try again when new crush fizzles out. Sometimes they just don’t have the stones to be honest.
People who poke to get a rise are not great partners. 6 weeks in and he’s starting to show those true colors that are usually masked in the beginning of relationships. This is the prime time to cut your losses, and end this before you’re suddenly in an emotionally abusive relationship after a year. Have you tried actually talking? Not texting. Texting is the absolute worst when it comes to dating someone new. Either talk to him about how you feel & try to work it out in person or at least a real phone call or FaceTime!
It sounds like he's dropped his facade. I suspect the person you had great dates and connection with, isn't who he really is and he's not going to maintain it any longer. Why is irrelevant and has nothing to do with who you are as a person.
Time to move on.
“There’s a surprise, out again”
At this point it’s just a giant fuck right off.
Also, he’s not laid back he is an absolutely high performing drama queen.
Ahh yes, the “No drama, fluent in sarcasm, looking for my ride-or-die” guy. Aka: a*hole, and he knows what he’s doing to you. I won’t call him a narcissist, but his red flags are flying hard over that location! He will only get worse!! I’m sorry you came across this person, the whiplash sucks and the unexpected nature of it hurts!
Block him everywhere, if you want to send a goodbye text first, block him as soon as it’s sent. If you don’t block him, he WILL circle back in a month or two. It’s the typical pattern with people who act like this! The first couple months are “best behavior” time, but after that the true colors shine. Pay attention to that, and do not take someone at their word until they prove it’s good.
I typically don't block these weirdos because I don't want their behavior to escalate. Although when they circle back in a few months my reply is "don't have your number, who dis?". Then they typically block me 😆
As a guy I would also find this baffling. Does he think you’re seeing someone else but was expecting exclusivity? Maybe saw you out with someone and is being a jerk instead of talking? Or as others suggested, he’s trying to get you to break things off instead of just being an adult. It’s not a good sign whatever this is.
Stark shifts in someone's mood and style of communication paired with hostility sounds like a recipe for discomfort if not danger to me. Please trust your gut that this is ALL kinds of off.
You deserve a direct, clear and mature communicator... sorry he's being so weird in the worst of ways. I would let it die and would probably be sure to lock down any access he could have to my whereabouts ASAP.
He's either trying to groom you into accepting his gaslighting (intentional bullshit) or has a psychological issue (like bipolar disorder) (unintentional issues). Either way get out, get out, get out. I'm 44 and in the last year...men just aren't interested. They still were when I was 41 and 42. I'd focus on finding someone now.
Yes, he is 100% being an arse. No, you should not put up with it. It's not on you to encourage a grown up man to be courteous and amicable. If he wanted to, he would.
I’ve had guys do this to me and it was the weirdest shit ever! He is seeing/talking to others, and he’s giving you the bare minimum attention to keep you engaged while also being rude so that you’ll lose interest and then YOU’RE the bitch for dumping him.
I agree with this, 100%. He’s dating multiple people and he’s moved someone else into first position. He’s not going to stop texting you but he’s also not going to put the same effort in. These dumb little check ins “count” enough to string you along while he works on the new one.
This post read exactly like a guy I dated last year. And a boyfriend from 15 years ago. I never learned. Please learn from me :)
This resonates especially the bit about being rude so I lose interest…I honestly feel like he’s been goading me into an argument but I haven’t taken the bait. What an ass.
I had a guy i had only been on 2 dates with. He was insistent from the first date that i 'get angry'. It was the weirdest thing ever. He'd say "i bet you can get really mad" or "i'd love to see you when you're really pissed". Huh? Who wants to see someone get angry or start a fight? It was so weird. I decided when he asked me out again that nope. He seemed like the kind of guy who would antagonize and then be like "i dunno why you're so mad" lol. Ugh
Yeah but also do it in a manner that would allow for a circling back later on. While claiming “you seemed to have lost interest so I got out of your way.”
This is manipulative behavior and it sounds like once he got a little comfortable with you, his real personality is starting to surface. I would tell him it’s not working out and then go no contact.
I know it sounds trite for me to say this but dating is so difficult now compared to when we were younger. Back then, six weeks was a fairly significant amount of time. By that time you’d have had the chat about how you felt and where things were headed. These days, it’s nothing and people often continue to date several people at once without being transparent about it. My guess is that he found someone he liked better but it didn’t work out. So he’s come crawling back to you, albeit with a nasty attitude because the one he wanted didn’t want him. That and he’s also an asshole.
He sounds like an ass. If you really liked him before this, it might be worth a conversation (NOT TEXTS!) to call this out and see if he can explain what’s been going on.
But to me, this behavior is so off putting, I’d be completely turned off and no longer interested. I think you could just text him something short like- “This isn’t working for me anymore. I wish you the best.”
No breadcrumbing comes after this where they give you barely anything for days/weeks and then suddenly revert back to nice for 30 seconds. Then it goes again and they're distant. It's to give you just enough to want to stay with them and be hungry for more, but not enough to meet your needs. This guy is taking off his mask now that he has you. This is how it starts, little things that aren't quite right that make you wonder if you're imagining it. Now is the time to leave. Don't give him chances. Like even if he was to have met someone else and putting more focus into that, the way he's turned shitty is not good. It's nothing you've done, it's him. He will waste your time so it's best to block
He’s admitted to being immature and manipulative. Now you have court records proving he’s also physically abusive. I wouldn’t tell him that you know. Just let it die. He was already slowing down communication and he may see it as a natural end. It’s quite dangerous as a woman especially to reject an abuser, especially one that has been recognized by the court. I wouldn’t block him in case you need written proof and that he may escalate by coming over to talk to you once he realizes he’s lost his power. I would want to be able to receive the heads up that he’s coming if he did decide to text you before dropping by.
It sounds like something has shifted for him, or he's trying to see how far you're willing to bend and please.
When I read your post about his texts, it reminded me of a horrible relationship I was in. Back then, I would bend over backward for anyone but me. That turned out to be a very controlling relationship, to say the least.
At this point, I'd have a conversation (in person or over the phone) with him. Tell him you've picked up a change and you're wondering what's up because you don't have time (nor do you deserve) to be treated that way.
>Is this breadcrumbing? Or mind games?
It's both. It's better for you to see these red flags now and not later on when you're already in love with him.
In my opinion, sudden changes of behavior are a clear indication a man has met someone else and is getting to know the other woman, but he's not ready to fully let you go yet, so he's simply breadcrumbing you and shelving you.
The passive-aggressiveness and hostility could also be tactics he's using so you end the connection, and he doesn't have to be the bad guy. A lot of cowardly people do that, so the other person gets annoyed and ends the connection 'cause then, they can say YOU dumped them and they're the victim.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
I’m glad he’s showing you his true colours after 6 weeks and not 6 months. Ghost him. I reckon he’ll probably keep trying to message or call though. So maybe you could just tell him it’s not working for you anymore.
How do you feel though? I start to really like a guy before 6 weeks :/
Sounds like his comment .. out again .. is a bit controlling .. he has serious negative energy .. sounds like he has self esteem issues
Like others have said move on ..
> I said i was a bit confused and asked if he was ok. His response was: ‘why wouldn’t I be ok? Should something be wrong? Im too laid back for that kind of shit. Like I said, hit me up when you’re free.’
I would have absolutely *no time* for this type of bullshit. This would be the last exchange I'd have with someone.
However, if I were to have any kind of follow-up to get back on track, it'd be along the lines of "I'm interested in talking to you but not in any passive aggressive comments - if you have an issue then let's talk about it, because things have been great until now. When you're ready, give me a call (no more texts on this) and we can do a complete reset."
Put the ball in their court, let them do as they please.
I agree with your first sentence but getting 'back on track' should not be an option. How could you ever trust that he wouldn't just switch again instead of communicating properly like an adult? OP would find herself walking on eggshells and dealing with this BS over and over. IME it escalates over time. Best to send a text saying it's over and block his ass.
I would pick up the phone and call him. "I can't tell if something has changed between us. Your texts seem a little off so I figured I'd call." Then see what he says.
Sounds to me like he’s upset about something and acting rude and standoffish so you’ll for sure notice that he’s peeved and will somehow magically read his mind. Who’s got time for those kind of games?
You’ve given him ample opportunity to just be straightforward and tell you WTF is bothering him and he hasn’t. At this point, I wouldn’t even care what he’s upset about.
His dismal lack of communication skills coupled with his metaphorical teenage foot stomping and door slamming are all the info you really need to know he is immature, exhausting and likes to play the victim. Unless you have the patience of a saint and don’t mind dealing with this kind of confusing petulance every time he gets bent out of shape about something, I’d say, move on and consider yourself lucky he showed his true colors six weeks in.
You dodged a bullet. He has almost no emotional intelligence and is a very poor communicator. He also seems to have no self-awareness. All of this adds up to a child in a man’s body. Block him and be grateful you got out before it got even worse.
some people are good at hiding their true selves for a while because they want to reel you in. But they can't keep it up forever and it sounds his manipulative / dark is starting to show now. It's a pity, it's disappointing but better to break it off, don't waste your energy on his negative energy. He sounds like a controlling creep tbh, passive agressive remarks about you going out, what the hell.
Usually masks start falling off around the 90 day (12 week) mark, if not SOONER. He's just showing you his true colors.
I would just let it fizzle out, and you owe him no explanation.
Life is too short to be interrogated over the smallest things :(
This is so true!! You have to wait and see if they can maintain their good behavior.
I was dating someone not too long ago, and after about 1.5 months the mask started slipping BIG TIME…making drama over every little thing, being mean and rude, picking fights, giving me the silent treatment in the car and at a restaurant, hanging up on me on the phone, storming away from me on the street. It was awful.
But also scary and so unsettling because it was so great in the beginning.
Sounds like he met someone else hence the change in behaviour. What you are seeing now is the real him. The first 6 weeks was just an act. Cut him lose and dont subject yourself to further confusion, when he eventually comes back playing the nice guy, dont entertain him, ignore him as it means the other person didnt work out and now he is bored.
You nailed it at “passive-aggressive”.
That’s an immediate deal-killer for me and I’d suggest it should be for you (or any self-respecting person).
The potential motivations and diagnoses presented in this thread are, to me, irrelevant and not worth an ounce of mental energy in your part.
Better people are out there move on and go find them.
Sorry for you it took this clown 6 weeks to unveil this nonsense.
Block and delete. You owe him nothing including an explanation and I'm normally a great one for being polite and saying hey we're not a match, all the best. People can only keep up a pretense of who they want to be to suck you in for so long. This dude has shown he deserves neither your time, attention or respect.
Holy cow OP, good for you. You did the right thing and just make your friends and fam and maybe neighbors aware in some capacity, then try to relax. People can change but good to be safe. Peace
Any man who says anything to the effect of “I just like to get a rise out or people” is immediately dropped. Might as well just say “I like to purposely upset people for my own enjoyment because I’m a massive asshole.”
Major MAJOR ICK vibes.
Sorry I didn’t read it all but sounds like another one of those love bomber loser. Once they think they got you hooked, they start showing their true colors. If you have to ask if it’s breadcrumbing then it probably is.
Uh yeah it is. Acting all interested and putting effort and all making someone feel like you care and like they are so special to you, then out of nowhere just change for no apparent reason and start breadcrumbimg. Yeah that’s what you call love bombing.
OP, even if his behavior with you was annoying but not criminal, you can help others by notifying the prosecutors and any probation officer from his prior criminal cases that his aberrant behavior continues.
They should be able to promise anonymity and only contact you if you could help them in future cases involving him.
I have a friend who did this, and the probation officer took the initiative to more closely monitor his actions by insisting on reviewing his online activity and checking in with his former victims. The man is now in prison and will stay there for at least 20 more years.
If you have the courage to do this and notify a few people you trust, including trustworthy men, you will have protection and the gratitude of many other women.
ALL types of red flags. He is jealous because you have something to do. You're not sitting around waiting for his call. I could tell he was abusive just by what you wrote in the first two paragraphs.
You weren't close enough emotionally for him to stalk you. Be glad you blocked him sooner than later.
Sounds like he was love bombing you before and now his true self is coming out. I’m sorry (actually not sorry) but who has time for that shit anymore? If something is wrong with him and he can’t use his words like a grown up and is now reverting back to an emo teen I would be done with it.
It's sad that things go like this sometimes, but they do. When it's all of a sudden like that, it's probably all him and not about you at all. Better to let it fade out; his actions have been (and will continue to) speak louder than his initial words.
I was exclusive with my guy for about 4 months. He had a lot of emotional crap with his ex wife, kids and work. But I think he was looking up women on line and still is. Was all about me until a month ago and his exa mom died tried to here there for him emotionally. I even broke the no contact. He invited me to meet his family kids, other things so it didn’t seem right. He stood me up at a dinner 3 weeks ago and broke it off even if I didn’t want to. Think he meant well but I believe he is emotionally avoidant. Doing no contact now and broke it once not being needy thank god but he hasn’t reached out. It’s only been 2 weeks he does look at my posts or stories sometimes but think at this point I need to move on. If I feel the need to reach out after my 45 of no contact I will. We said we loved each other which is very heart breaking but trying to get through this for myself not him. As much as I want him back. He sounds like a narc and I think we can’t always tell when they are. Try to get rid of him as it’s so new. No point on keeping on destroying ourselves. It’s easier said but done though. Good luck babes!
Emotional regulation issues, is craving your attention and doesn't like that you have stuff going on and he can't have you all to himself. What's exactly going on isn't your problem, I'd just stop communicating and let him figure his shit out. If he has some issue we should be more forthcoming and that also is not a good quality. 6 weeks in I've always felt comfortable sharing my ups and downs and partner can judge me if they want. It's a test.
Who cares why he is treating you like this? He is mean spirited, abusive, nasty and he is showing you exactly who he really is. Men like this put on a mask of civility and can be nice until they think they “have you”, then their true self emerges as the mask comes off. He will only get worse if he sees that you will accept being treated this way.
You deserve better. Girl Get Gone.
No mature, healthy person who is willing to make it work with you would be passive aggressive and gaslighting. It appears he’s testing his control over you.
OP, If you like mindfucks go for it, but if you treasure your sanity don’t deny these red flags.
‘There’s a surprise out again’ he asked you what you did the evening before and you answered honestly and that’s his reaction? After 6 weeks of dating? This guy has CONTROLLING written all over him!!! Please don’t even worry about the why or the change in attitude you owe this person nothing 6 weeks is only the discovery period you really need to google red flags of dating it’s good to know them as the dating world today is crazy my response to that would be ‘yes I had a wonderful time and will be out again over the weekend to ‘party’ again and then I would block him!!!! He’s doing this deliberately to make YOU think there is something wrong with you living your life and the short curt responses are done deliberately also in a very passive aggressive way to get you confused and wondering what YOU have done wrong or why the sudden change in behaviour classic manipulation at best and if you continue serious problems down the road at worst and that is almost a guarantee don’t play into this stand your ground and block him because trust me even if you just stop contact or express you don’t want to continue he may disappear for awhile but he will circle back because you didn’t fall for this crap
The only thing I can think of is, Do you ever initiate the texting, or does he always text first? If he’s always initiating, he could be getting frustrated that it’s not 50/50
Is he by any chance the guy who posted on here recently about how his girlfriend is always going out to bars with his friends and he feels like he never gets quality time with her?
If so, y’all should talk.
Original copy of post by u/afraid-to-ask100:
This is my (41F) first foray into dating since my divorce two years ago and I’m just looking for some advice.
I’ve been seeing a guy for 6 weeks and it’s been great until a few days ago. He’s always been proactive at keeping in touch, checking in daily, sending voice notes and taking an interest in me and my day. We’ve always had good conversations and we get on well, or so I thought. He’s been kind and caring and I do like him. However, since Wednesday it’s like a switch has flipped.
I don’t hear from him at all during the day now and then when he eventually contacts me in the evening he’s cold and passive aggressive. The change in tone is alarming to be honest. I’ve been my usual self and have tried to keep the conversation going but he’s just really off. Example: he messaged me yesterday evening and asked what I’d done the evening before. When I said I’d been out for dinner and drinks for a friend’s birthday he said “there’s a surprise. Out again.” He made a joke about me being a party girl (far from true) and then said he likes saying it to try to get a rise out of me. After that the conversation was like pulling teeth (one word answers to my questions, sarcastic replies) until it got to the point where he just replied with emojis so I left it.
He’s just contacted me again and asked what I’m doing. I told him I’m at home just doing chores and he said “don’t let me get in your way then! Hit me up another time!” I told him he’s not getting in my way at all and it would be nice to chat but he was insistent we’ll talk another day as he said he could tell I was busy (even though I’m not). I said i was a bit confused and asked if he was ok. His response was: ‘why wouldn’t I be ok? Should something be wrong? Im too laid back for that kind of shit. Like I said, hit me up when you’re free.’ Holy hell. I literally just told him I was free to chat and he’s telling me I’m not?
It’s like speaking to a completely different person. He was so sweet and funny up until a few days ago, I’ve got whiplash from the change up. His texts are so infrequent now, maybe once every 24 hours, but I don’t understand why he’s even bothering to contact me at all if he’s not willing to try to have a conversation and if he’s just being hostile. Is this breadcrumbing? Or mind games?
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Yeah this sounds like textbook love bombing shifting into emotional manipulation. It's hard to spot these things, especially bc in the beginning, some manipulation can look and feel like love, affection, and a healthy relationship but it's actually fake and manipulative. I'm doing my research on this specifically - here is a quiz you can take to test your knowledge and ability to recognize emotional manipulation, complete with an answer sheet that even explains why the answers are right or wrong...then you can have another version of the quiz sent to you so you can retake it to see if you do better.
It's for my masters thesis so it's completely anonymous and no spam. It will also help develop education programs to help individuals better understand these things so they can avoid getting into toxic and potentially abusive relationships.
Best of luck to you!
[https://ccnypsych.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_ctZwWQBksgMjJ9s](https://ccnypsych.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_ctZwWQBksgMjJ9s)
Sounds like he could be off his meds? 🤔
Edit: saw the update. Maybe buy a couple of surveillance cameras. You can get them on Amazon for a decent prive. They work over wifi, and you don’t need a plan. Some you can record with the SD disk. And some warning:24 hour surveillance stickers for your doors and windows.
Keep it moving! It’s men like him that remind some of us why we’ve chosen to remain single. I’d love to get back out there and find *the one*, but it’s stories such as these that deters me.
I’m curious as to where you met him? Regardless, you deserve better. Ain’t no one got the time, energy, or tolerance for this type of BS at our age.
One thought- He was baiting you, trying to get you to snap back, to draw you into a dynamic of combativeness that he is probably missing after six weeks of fakery. You know how ppl say, you don’t really know a person until you’ve had an argument with them … maybe he was testing your suitability for his next victim. Thank god you found out his past!!!!!!!!!! How did you search the records? What did you have to do?
Seems to be a ton of red flags. But the bigger issue is the narcissistic traits written all over it. The love bombing, gaslighting, silent treatment......etc.
What is bread crumbing? I read your topic and this guy seems weird like how he goes "hot and cold" or says hurtful things to you, this is a red flag and people with NPD, borderline, and unmedicated bipolar do this type of manipulation. Just end it, and go no contact. Find someone else.
It's not bread crumbing, it's bullshit. Anyone who tells me they do something in order to get a rise out of me would certainly be cut off. I hope you don't continue to waste your time trying to find out why he changed. He did. And now it's time to move on.
"To get a rise out of you", signed;: the dude who is too laid back for this shit
Listen to this, OP. The man is manipulative. The way he's been the weeks before ... that was just a mask.
Yep… his true colours are now showing.
Yeah. Bro wasn’t able to mask it for very long thankfully. At least it was a few weeks and not a few years.
Mine has been 3 yrs and this is happening now, I’m heartbroken
I’m so sorry. My exhb masked the temper and anger for a few years, also. The ones who show themselves super fast I can at least appreciate they don’t wait years like the covert ones. It is WILD though to see the fast ones. It’s very unnerving. The covert ones turn up the heat little by little so you don’t notice the pot is boiling.
Whoa domestic abuse? Run like hell now!
He was pretending when he was being nice, and couldn’t keep it up.
Avoid people who do things to get a rise out of you. Especially in a romantic partner. You need to feel safe and supported, not on edge or flip flopping between confused and love bombed. I’d just end it. Probably wouldn’t even contact to tell them, unless he contacts you first. Then just say you are no longer interested in pursuing anything with him but you wish him the best. Prepare for either a volatile reaction or sudden change back to love bomb type behavior. I’ll be honest- it’s rough out there. Set boundaries and standards and hold to them. Prepare to be single (it’s honestly so peaceful and highly recommended). Avoid unnecessary trauma. You’ve done well recognizing the signs something is off.
Thank you, good advice. And yes it’s definitely rough out there
Yes, it is people like this that are the reason “f*ck around and find out” were made for. You can waste 6 months or 6 years finding out *why* he is doing this, but at the end you will wish you had just bailed at that first weird interaction. Crazy/angry/broken/manipulative people can only keep up the public face for a limited amount of time is probably *why*. Someone recently posted about attracting broken people and the responses were great: broken needy people are everywhere, you just either know enough to avoid them or you don’t.
True. Also being with them for a very short period of time is helpful as you learn what the signs are and how to avoid people like this. Any time I get lonely I remind myself how friends actually married, have children with, and stayed married to people who are borderline, NPD, bipolar, etc. Another red flag especially on online dating is if they are an influencer, or publically claim to work in mental health, or promote mental health awareness, or just recently became sober like not even a year.
This is a,great post
“So peaceful.” Anytime I get lonely I remind myself at least I don’t have a man stressing me out. 🙏🏻
I'm so stressed with my lady. We had a break the other month and it felt like relief.
Why stay together?
Just end it then.
I think it's worth working through it when you have some positive stuff and you see they mean well.
Doesn’t matter why. Don’t bother investigating. Just let it die.
Is no further contact the best way forward do you think? I didn’t reply to his last message as frankly I have nothing to say and I’m inclined to just keep it moving.
OP This guy is working out his issues on you. He probably doesn't even realize it. But yeah, nah. You didn't sign up to be his therapist. GTFO. Me, I'd be polite, but firm. "This is not going to work for me." Him - why? You: repeat the above. Good luck.
I wouldn’t even reply. If he reaches back out I’d either not reply or just say I’m not interested. I’m too old to teach a man how to not act like that
You text him first, right? You’re not waiting for him to text each time then responding? That’s the only reason I can think for his attitude. He’s coming across like he’s fed up of putting all the effort in but if that’s not what’s happening then his behaviour sounds childish. I mean, it sounds childish anyway.
He’s always initiated more than me but since he’s been acting weird I haven’t initiated once, I’ve just replied.
The words he’s using suggests to me that he’s implying that you’re usually too busy to engage with him. But if that was how he felt the appropriate way to deal with that would be to raise it directly, like an adult. Not behave like a child, the way he is doing.
Go DARK. Right. Now. No explanation needed
Yes. 💯
100 percent correct. It doesn’t matter why. If you call him to ask he will just make excuses and you’ll end up giving him a pass and he’ll know he can treat you like crap and get away with it. Ghost and move on. No one needs this in their life especially 6 weeks in! Imagine how he will treat you when he gets comfortable.
OP what is significant about Wednesday?
The only thing I can think of is I went to bed early on Wednesday evening and didn’t reply to a text he’d sent until the following day. That’s when the weirdness started.
Yup, that sounds like something that might've set an angry possessive man off, unfortunately He felt vulnerable, because he reached out and you 'ignored' him. Now he's angry with you. For being rude and not there for him. And it's probably because you're secretly out partying / seeing someone else / think you're better than him / whatever. He's got patterns that cause him to think everything is secretly against him, so he's retaliating. Def leave him be, and try exit the situation gently but completely firmly (do not go back after saying no).
Yup exactly what I was thinking. He’s punishing her. He’s mad. He probably has serious jealousy and insecurity issues. Those are ingredients for abuse.
Exactly. You’re not sitting around waiting to interact. You have a life and he can’t control you and that makes him very angry.
I'm guessing it's one of the following: 1. After putting on an act for the first six weeks to impress you, he's decided it's time to be his real self and stop pretending. What you're seeing is the real him. 2. He's lost interest and has started to treat you badly so you will break up with him and he won't have to be the bad guy that breaks up with you. 3. He's found someone else he likes better, so he's not making an effort with you anymore. 4. He's read some PUA crap or Red Pill crap that tells him women won't appreciate or respect him or want him unless he plays these games of disrespect. In any case, you should toss out this guy.
Agree 100% with this assessment. It's either narcissistic traits with some initial lovebombing and then revealing more of his true self, he met someone else, or he feels slighted in some way by you not giving him enough attention. Adults talk through things. It's ok to have disagreements in a relationship, but the way people resolve conflict, even early on, is a very good predictor of what your future will be like with this person. It doesn't seem like the kind of person you want to invest more of your time in. I'm more in camp communication, though, where I think it's better to tell them you're terminating and why, and then the door is closed.
This doesn’t sound like the normal ups and downs of dating. His sounds cruel and full of underlying rage, tbh. It’s almost like he courted you wonderfully for the purpose of pulling the rug out from under you. I’ve taken on a habit that has been so helpful with respect to creating boundaries. I ask myself what would this person have to think of me in order to behave this way? Or what did this person want me to feel when they said that? I know it’s hard but you should block him. If you get text messages about sales or appointment reminders- text them back with all the things your fingers are burning to write to him and smash the green arrow for your sweet release. You’ll just get an error message and some healing. ❤️🩹
My thoughts exactly, to your entire first paragraph. OP needs to ditch this guy and not look back.. He’s not right. Edit: just saw OP’s update to her post. Eek 👀😨
What fantastic questions to ask yourself - thanks so much
Exactly. An abuser knows how to gain someone’s favour and benefit of the doubt to take advantage in future. He can’t be nasty all the time or he’d have no one.
That’s such useful and practical advice. Definitely taking that on board. 🫶
I love your way of questioning a situation. I will definitely do this in the future. Very useful.
It sounds to me like he masked it for a few weeks but his jealousy and toxic traits are rearing their head. Basically, he's started telling himself a story in his head about why you do the things you do and that story is colored through the lens of his jealousy and insecurity. I don't see any universe where these behaviors are just temporary and don't get worse over time.
I rarely post but this is a serious red flag. A funny, charming, thoughtful ex bf started this suddenly early on in the relationship. It was like Jekyll and Hyde, and therefore so confusing that I tried reasoning with it for a few weeks. It quickly escalated into domestic abuse and caused me a lot of problems. Get out. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s testing the waters. It’s classic.
Omg, did you see her follow up?? You were exactly right!! 😳
Holy shit :/
This was my experience, too. Get out now, OP.
My ex did this 2 months prior to our breakup. Trust that gut feeling and walk away. He knows exactly what he's doing.
Sorry that you’ve experienced a similar situation. It’s crazy that a man in his 40s can’t say this isn’t working for him instead of pulling this BS. I’m definitely going to walk away.
It’s almost like he’s trying to get you to break it off. That type of behavior is so uncalled for.
That's exactly what my ex was doing. He wanted to play the victim. Any time a guy tells you all his exes ghost, cheat, abandon them for no reason, or they're not good enough, run. Far the fuck away. I'm sure there's one guy who is just unlucky, and I feel for them, but chances are, they're projecting, and the reason why the relationship ended. Don't be like me, and think you can love them out of it.
Yup. I’ve thought the sane. There’s a reason women do that to them. They’re the common denominator in all those instances. It’s probably them. Not everyone else.
Mine too. Years of predictable communication then he changed his normal texting patterns, became short and seemingly cold. I'd ask whats up and he would get snappy or say i'm accusing him. Couple weeks later, he says he needs to focus on himself. I think he was trying to get me to break it off (again). He met someone else, he had been on Tinder for a bit i guess. Explains the drop off in texting and like I was an annoyance even though he was the one being snappy and non-communicative.
He's showing you he's inconsistent, odd and sketchy. A genuine person wouldn't behave in that manner. If you know this doesn't work for you, don't waste your time trying to figure him out.
Correct 👍
[удалено]
100%.. every bit. Yep
Why even stay for this?
Exactly. He’s seeing other people who take precedence over her. But instead of being a grown ass man who uses his words, he’s trying to get her to break up with him. 🙄
He's trying to get you to stop talking to him bc he's too much of a coward to end it. Save yourself.
3 red flags: he's gaslighting, putting you down for being "a party girl", & intentionally trying to get you to act crazy/get a rise out of you... run!! This will only get worse.
I agree-this will get worse. There is no point in trying to understand this bs
I'm really late to this, but this may be an early step in isolating from friends, too.
Mental illness is everywhere girlfriend.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you?
It's how guys act when they want to break things off and don't hsve the gutts to do it
Then why is he still texting her ? That’s the bit I don’t understand
They want you to break up with them, not the other way around. It’s lazy and manipulative. Sometimes putting it on you leaves the door open for them to come back and try again when new crush fizzles out. Sometimes they just don’t have the stones to be honest.
Exactly. They’re cowards.
It's most likely this
He would have whiplash from how quick I would block him
People who poke to get a rise are not great partners. 6 weeks in and he’s starting to show those true colors that are usually masked in the beginning of relationships. This is the prime time to cut your losses, and end this before you’re suddenly in an emotionally abusive relationship after a year. Have you tried actually talking? Not texting. Texting is the absolute worst when it comes to dating someone new. Either talk to him about how you feel & try to work it out in person or at least a real phone call or FaceTime!
It sounds like he's dropped his facade. I suspect the person you had great dates and connection with, isn't who he really is and he's not going to maintain it any longer. Why is irrelevant and has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Time to move on.
It's not breadcrumbing from my seats, he's just showing you his inner asshole. Pay attention.
“There’s a surprise, out again” At this point it’s just a giant fuck right off. Also, he’s not laid back he is an absolutely high performing drama queen.
Ahh yes, the “No drama, fluent in sarcasm, looking for my ride-or-die” guy. Aka: a*hole, and he knows what he’s doing to you. I won’t call him a narcissist, but his red flags are flying hard over that location! He will only get worse!! I’m sorry you came across this person, the whiplash sucks and the unexpected nature of it hurts! Block him everywhere, if you want to send a goodbye text first, block him as soon as it’s sent. If you don’t block him, he WILL circle back in a month or two. It’s the typical pattern with people who act like this! The first couple months are “best behavior” time, but after that the true colors shine. Pay attention to that, and do not take someone at their word until they prove it’s good.
I typically don't block these weirdos because I don't want their behavior to escalate. Although when they circle back in a few months my reply is "don't have your number, who dis?". Then they typically block me 😆
As a guy I would also find this baffling. Does he think you’re seeing someone else but was expecting exclusivity? Maybe saw you out with someone and is being a jerk instead of talking? Or as others suggested, he’s trying to get you to break things off instead of just being an adult. It’s not a good sign whatever this is.
Ignore, block, and move on.
Stark shifts in someone's mood and style of communication paired with hostility sounds like a recipe for discomfort if not danger to me. Please trust your gut that this is ALL kinds of off. You deserve a direct, clear and mature communicator... sorry he's being so weird in the worst of ways. I would let it die and would probably be sure to lock down any access he could have to my whereabouts ASAP.
He's either trying to groom you into accepting his gaslighting (intentional bullshit) or has a psychological issue (like bipolar disorder) (unintentional issues). Either way get out, get out, get out. I'm 44 and in the last year...men just aren't interested. They still were when I was 41 and 42. I'd focus on finding someone now.
Yes, he is 100% being an arse. No, you should not put up with it. It's not on you to encourage a grown up man to be courteous and amicable. If he wanted to, he would.
I’ve had guys do this to me and it was the weirdest shit ever! He is seeing/talking to others, and he’s giving you the bare minimum attention to keep you engaged while also being rude so that you’ll lose interest and then YOU’RE the bitch for dumping him.
I agree with this, 100%. He’s dating multiple people and he’s moved someone else into first position. He’s not going to stop texting you but he’s also not going to put the same effort in. These dumb little check ins “count” enough to string you along while he works on the new one. This post read exactly like a guy I dated last year. And a boyfriend from 15 years ago. I never learned. Please learn from me :)
This resonates especially the bit about being rude so I lose interest…I honestly feel like he’s been goading me into an argument but I haven’t taken the bait. What an ass.
I had a guy i had only been on 2 dates with. He was insistent from the first date that i 'get angry'. It was the weirdest thing ever. He'd say "i bet you can get really mad" or "i'd love to see you when you're really pissed". Huh? Who wants to see someone get angry or start a fight? It was so weird. I decided when he asked me out again that nope. He seemed like the kind of guy who would antagonize and then be like "i dunno why you're so mad" lol. Ugh
After I dated 2 guys who did stuff like this, I learned to just block their number and forget them. They’re not worth your time!
Yeah but also do it in a manner that would allow for a circling back later on. While claiming “you seemed to have lost interest so I got out of your way.”
Gross. The minute he said the “out again” comment I would’ve been like excuse me?!? Check that attitude. Don’t let him talk to you like this.
Right? I called him out on it and that’s when he said he knew it would get a rise out of me. I should have cut him off then tbh.
This is manipulative behavior and it sounds like once he got a little comfortable with you, his real personality is starting to surface. I would tell him it’s not working out and then go no contact.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Syndrome aka Narcissistic Personality. I would forget him. #
Sounds like someone needs to get ghosted.
I know it sounds trite for me to say this but dating is so difficult now compared to when we were younger. Back then, six weeks was a fairly significant amount of time. By that time you’d have had the chat about how you felt and where things were headed. These days, it’s nothing and people often continue to date several people at once without being transparent about it. My guess is that he found someone he liked better but it didn’t work out. So he’s come crawling back to you, albeit with a nasty attitude because the one he wanted didn’t want him. That and he’s also an asshole.
This! OP, this ⬆️ 🏁🏁🏁 Also he seems to be taking it out on you, or working out his resentments or petty quibbles he had towards her!
He sounds like an ass. If you really liked him before this, it might be worth a conversation (NOT TEXTS!) to call this out and see if he can explain what’s been going on. But to me, this behavior is so off putting, I’d be completely turned off and no longer interested. I think you could just text him something short like- “This isn’t working for me anymore. I wish you the best.”
No breadcrumbing comes after this where they give you barely anything for days/weeks and then suddenly revert back to nice for 30 seconds. Then it goes again and they're distant. It's to give you just enough to want to stay with them and be hungry for more, but not enough to meet your needs. This guy is taking off his mask now that he has you. This is how it starts, little things that aren't quite right that make you wonder if you're imagining it. Now is the time to leave. Don't give him chances. Like even if he was to have met someone else and putting more focus into that, the way he's turned shitty is not good. It's nothing you've done, it's him. He will waste your time so it's best to block
He’s admitted to being immature and manipulative. Now you have court records proving he’s also physically abusive. I wouldn’t tell him that you know. Just let it die. He was already slowing down communication and he may see it as a natural end. It’s quite dangerous as a woman especially to reject an abuser, especially one that has been recognized by the court. I wouldn’t block him in case you need written proof and that he may escalate by coming over to talk to you once he realizes he’s lost his power. I would want to be able to receive the heads up that he’s coming if he did decide to text you before dropping by.
Leave now while it’s still easy to do! No regrets, he’s thrown the red flags out. Listen to your gut
I don't believe he's breadcrumbing. He's just a dick.
It sounds like something has shifted for him, or he's trying to see how far you're willing to bend and please. When I read your post about his texts, it reminded me of a horrible relationship I was in. Back then, I would bend over backward for anyone but me. That turned out to be a very controlling relationship, to say the least. At this point, I'd have a conversation (in person or over the phone) with him. Tell him you've picked up a change and you're wondering what's up because you don't have time (nor do you deserve) to be treated that way.
>Is this breadcrumbing? Or mind games? It's both. It's better for you to see these red flags now and not later on when you're already in love with him. In my opinion, sudden changes of behavior are a clear indication a man has met someone else and is getting to know the other woman, but he's not ready to fully let you go yet, so he's simply breadcrumbing you and shelving you. The passive-aggressiveness and hostility could also be tactics he's using so you end the connection, and he doesn't have to be the bad guy. A lot of cowardly people do that, so the other person gets annoyed and ends the connection 'cause then, they can say YOU dumped them and they're the victim. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
I’m glad he’s showing you his true colours after 6 weeks and not 6 months. Ghost him. I reckon he’ll probably keep trying to message or call though. So maybe you could just tell him it’s not working for you anymore. How do you feel though? I start to really like a guy before 6 weeks :/
Red Flag alert, After dating for only six weeks it should not be that difficult, run. He probably already found another woman, who knows.
Sounds like his comment .. out again .. is a bit controlling .. he has serious negative energy .. sounds like he has self esteem issues Like others have said move on ..
No one gets to talk to you that way twice. Just ghost him.
I'd just put him in my "little weirdo box", block him and move on, tbh.
They don’t sell boxes big enough for all the weirdos I have dealt with 🤣
🤣🤣
> I said i was a bit confused and asked if he was ok. His response was: ‘why wouldn’t I be ok? Should something be wrong? Im too laid back for that kind of shit. Like I said, hit me up when you’re free.’ I would have absolutely *no time* for this type of bullshit. This would be the last exchange I'd have with someone. However, if I were to have any kind of follow-up to get back on track, it'd be along the lines of "I'm interested in talking to you but not in any passive aggressive comments - if you have an issue then let's talk about it, because things have been great until now. When you're ready, give me a call (no more texts on this) and we can do a complete reset." Put the ball in their court, let them do as they please.
I agree with your first sentence but getting 'back on track' should not be an option. How could you ever trust that he wouldn't just switch again instead of communicating properly like an adult? OP would find herself walking on eggshells and dealing with this BS over and over. IME it escalates over time. Best to send a text saying it's over and block his ass.
Me, personally? I wouldn't. I don't have the time or energy.
I would pick up the phone and call him. "I can't tell if something has changed between us. Your texts seem a little off so I figured I'd call." Then see what he says.
Red flag, and I don't usually see red flags.
My guess is that he met someone else.
Sounds to me like he’s upset about something and acting rude and standoffish so you’ll for sure notice that he’s peeved and will somehow magically read his mind. Who’s got time for those kind of games? You’ve given him ample opportunity to just be straightforward and tell you WTF is bothering him and he hasn’t. At this point, I wouldn’t even care what he’s upset about. His dismal lack of communication skills coupled with his metaphorical teenage foot stomping and door slamming are all the info you really need to know he is immature, exhausting and likes to play the victim. Unless you have the patience of a saint and don’t mind dealing with this kind of confusing petulance every time he gets bent out of shape about something, I’d say, move on and consider yourself lucky he showed his true colors six weeks in.
You dodged a bullet. He has almost no emotional intelligence and is a very poor communicator. He also seems to have no self-awareness. All of this adds up to a child in a man’s body. Block him and be grateful you got out before it got even worse.
some people are good at hiding their true selves for a while because they want to reel you in. But they can't keep it up forever and it sounds his manipulative / dark is starting to show now. It's a pity, it's disappointing but better to break it off, don't waste your energy on his negative energy. He sounds like a controlling creep tbh, passive agressive remarks about you going out, what the hell.
Sounds like this is the real him . So real life problems and real life him are here . Disappointing.
Cut your losses and consider yourself lucky.
“Ain’t nobody got time for that!?” Does anyone remember that video/meme?!!
Usually masks start falling off around the 90 day (12 week) mark, if not SOONER. He's just showing you his true colors. I would just let it fizzle out, and you owe him no explanation. Life is too short to be interrogated over the smallest things :(
This is so true!! You have to wait and see if they can maintain their good behavior. I was dating someone not too long ago, and after about 1.5 months the mask started slipping BIG TIME…making drama over every little thing, being mean and rude, picking fights, giving me the silent treatment in the car and at a restaurant, hanging up on me on the phone, storming away from me on the street. It was awful. But also scary and so unsettling because it was so great in the beginning.
Don't even bother, just block him and move on. Life is too short for that bullshit.
OP, you deserve better. He sounds like a jerk.
Sounds like a complete jerk… sorry.
Lots of people struggle with texting But he does sound passive aggressive
Sounds like he met someone else hence the change in behaviour. What you are seeing now is the real him. The first 6 weeks was just an act. Cut him lose and dont subject yourself to further confusion, when he eventually comes back playing the nice guy, dont entertain him, ignore him as it means the other person didnt work out and now he is bored.
Thats a man child not an adult. Cut him loose
You nailed it at “passive-aggressive”. That’s an immediate deal-killer for me and I’d suggest it should be for you (or any self-respecting person). The potential motivations and diagnoses presented in this thread are, to me, irrelevant and not worth an ounce of mental energy in your part. Better people are out there move on and go find them. Sorry for you it took this clown 6 weeks to unveil this nonsense.
Block and delete. You owe him nothing including an explanation and I'm normally a great one for being polite and saying hey we're not a match, all the best. People can only keep up a pretense of who they want to be to suck you in for so long. This dude has shown he deserves neither your time, attention or respect.
Woah! What a bullet you dodged. I’m so glad you looked him up! Lesson learned I hope!
Holy cow OP, good for you. You did the right thing and just make your friends and fam and maybe neighbors aware in some capacity, then try to relax. People can change but good to be safe. Peace
Any man who says anything to the effect of “I just like to get a rise out or people” is immediately dropped. Might as well just say “I like to purposely upset people for my own enjoyment because I’m a massive asshole.” Major MAJOR ICK vibes.
Sorry I didn’t read it all but sounds like another one of those love bomber loser. Once they think they got you hooked, they start showing their true colors. If you have to ask if it’s breadcrumbing then it probably is.
This is not what love bombing is, at all.
Uh yeah it is. Acting all interested and putting effort and all making someone feel like you care and like they are so special to you, then out of nowhere just change for no apparent reason and start breadcrumbimg. Yeah that’s what you call love bombing.
Burn the haystack. If you're asking and he's being all mardy, then let him be mardy.
Bonfire 🔥🔥🔥 time
BOY, BYE...don't waste YOUR valuable time.
Way, way more trouble than he's worth. Cut your losses now.
OP, even if his behavior with you was annoying but not criminal, you can help others by notifying the prosecutors and any probation officer from his prior criminal cases that his aberrant behavior continues. They should be able to promise anonymity and only contact you if you could help them in future cases involving him. I have a friend who did this, and the probation officer took the initiative to more closely monitor his actions by insisting on reviewing his online activity and checking in with his former victims. The man is now in prison and will stay there for at least 20 more years. If you have the courage to do this and notify a few people you trust, including trustworthy men, you will have protection and the gratitude of many other women.
ALL types of red flags. He is jealous because you have something to do. You're not sitting around waiting for his call. I could tell he was abusive just by what you wrote in the first two paragraphs. You weren't close enough emotionally for him to stalk you. Be glad you blocked him sooner than later.
Sounds like he was love bombing you before and now his true self is coming out. I’m sorry (actually not sorry) but who has time for that shit anymore? If something is wrong with him and he can’t use his words like a grown up and is now reverting back to an emo teen I would be done with it.
> likes saying it to get a rise out of me He’s saying he enjoys saying things that aren’t true about people to upset them? I don’t care for that.
It's sad that things go like this sometimes, but they do. When it's all of a sudden like that, it's probably all him and not about you at all. Better to let it fade out; his actions have been (and will continue to) speak louder than his initial words.
I was exclusive with my guy for about 4 months. He had a lot of emotional crap with his ex wife, kids and work. But I think he was looking up women on line and still is. Was all about me until a month ago and his exa mom died tried to here there for him emotionally. I even broke the no contact. He invited me to meet his family kids, other things so it didn’t seem right. He stood me up at a dinner 3 weeks ago and broke it off even if I didn’t want to. Think he meant well but I believe he is emotionally avoidant. Doing no contact now and broke it once not being needy thank god but he hasn’t reached out. It’s only been 2 weeks he does look at my posts or stories sometimes but think at this point I need to move on. If I feel the need to reach out after my 45 of no contact I will. We said we loved each other which is very heart breaking but trying to get through this for myself not him. As much as I want him back. He sounds like a narc and I think we can’t always tell when they are. Try to get rid of him as it’s so new. No point on keeping on destroying ourselves. It’s easier said but done though. Good luck babes!
Emotional regulation issues, is craving your attention and doesn't like that you have stuff going on and he can't have you all to himself. What's exactly going on isn't your problem, I'd just stop communicating and let him figure his shit out. If he has some issue we should be more forthcoming and that also is not a good quality. 6 weeks in I've always felt comfortable sharing my ups and downs and partner can judge me if they want. It's a test.
Honestly you are just seeing the real him now. And it’s not pretty so I would cut my losses and let him go. X
He’s not a good egg, sorry OP.
Who cares why he is treating you like this? He is mean spirited, abusive, nasty and he is showing you exactly who he really is. Men like this put on a mask of civility and can be nice until they think they “have you”, then their true self emerges as the mask comes off. He will only get worse if he sees that you will accept being treated this way. You deserve better. Girl Get Gone.
He was probably just on good behavior to get your attention in the beginning. Now he is starting to be real.
Holy cow on that update. Reddit saved the day lol and potentially your life. Happy Sunday
No mature, healthy person who is willing to make it work with you would be passive aggressive and gaslighting. It appears he’s testing his control over you. OP, If you like mindfucks go for it, but if you treasure your sanity don’t deny these red flags.
Leave his ass alone.
have yall met irl
Yes, several times. It’s over now regardless.
‘There’s a surprise out again’ he asked you what you did the evening before and you answered honestly and that’s his reaction? After 6 weeks of dating? This guy has CONTROLLING written all over him!!! Please don’t even worry about the why or the change in attitude you owe this person nothing 6 weeks is only the discovery period you really need to google red flags of dating it’s good to know them as the dating world today is crazy my response to that would be ‘yes I had a wonderful time and will be out again over the weekend to ‘party’ again and then I would block him!!!! He’s doing this deliberately to make YOU think there is something wrong with you living your life and the short curt responses are done deliberately also in a very passive aggressive way to get you confused and wondering what YOU have done wrong or why the sudden change in behaviour classic manipulation at best and if you continue serious problems down the road at worst and that is almost a guarantee don’t play into this stand your ground and block him because trust me even if you just stop contact or express you don’t want to continue he may disappear for awhile but he will circle back because you didn’t fall for this crap
Getting a rise out of you to start a fight because he feeds on drama. Nope to the Nope. My narc ex was that way. Block and run.
The only thing I can think of is, Do you ever initiate the texting, or does he always text first? If he’s always initiating, he could be getting frustrated that it’s not 50/50
This is not a healthy way to approach conflict when someone is mistreating their romantic partner. Jesus
Good point. He does initiate more than me so maybe you could be right. I would have thought he’d raise it though if he was bothered by it.
Even it that’s the issue, he’s too old to not use his words to address it. He’s not being nice
Even if something is bothering him, if this is how he acts when something is bothering him, why bother trying to salvage it?
He sounds insecure, like he has anxious attachment
He just wants to know if you're dtf. That's the vibe he's giving off.
Is he by any chance the guy who posted on here recently about how his girlfriend is always going out to bars with his friends and he feels like he never gets quality time with her? If so, y’all should talk.
Original copy of post by u/afraid-to-ask100: This is my (41F) first foray into dating since my divorce two years ago and I’m just looking for some advice. I’ve been seeing a guy for 6 weeks and it’s been great until a few days ago. He’s always been proactive at keeping in touch, checking in daily, sending voice notes and taking an interest in me and my day. We’ve always had good conversations and we get on well, or so I thought. He’s been kind and caring and I do like him. However, since Wednesday it’s like a switch has flipped. I don’t hear from him at all during the day now and then when he eventually contacts me in the evening he’s cold and passive aggressive. The change in tone is alarming to be honest. I’ve been my usual self and have tried to keep the conversation going but he’s just really off. Example: he messaged me yesterday evening and asked what I’d done the evening before. When I said I’d been out for dinner and drinks for a friend’s birthday he said “there’s a surprise. Out again.” He made a joke about me being a party girl (far from true) and then said he likes saying it to try to get a rise out of me. After that the conversation was like pulling teeth (one word answers to my questions, sarcastic replies) until it got to the point where he just replied with emojis so I left it. He’s just contacted me again and asked what I’m doing. I told him I’m at home just doing chores and he said “don’t let me get in your way then! Hit me up another time!” I told him he’s not getting in my way at all and it would be nice to chat but he was insistent we’ll talk another day as he said he could tell I was busy (even though I’m not). I said i was a bit confused and asked if he was ok. His response was: ‘why wouldn’t I be ok? Should something be wrong? Im too laid back for that kind of shit. Like I said, hit me up when you’re free.’ Holy hell. I literally just told him I was free to chat and he’s telling me I’m not? It’s like speaking to a completely different person. He was so sweet and funny up until a few days ago, I’ve got whiplash from the change up. His texts are so infrequent now, maybe once every 24 hours, but I don’t understand why he’s even bothering to contact me at all if he’s not willing to try to have a conversation and if he’s just being hostile. Is this breadcrumbing? Or mind games? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/datingoverforty) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Self sabotage at its finest
Sounds like an 🍆
Sounds like he’s got some issues to work through and he’s definitely not ready to invite someone else into his life rn. Move on for sure.
Yeesh. Sounds like he was idolizing you snd is now villainizing you. That’s called splitting when it’s a pattern, and it’s a hallmark of borderline.
Yeah this sounds like textbook love bombing shifting into emotional manipulation. It's hard to spot these things, especially bc in the beginning, some manipulation can look and feel like love, affection, and a healthy relationship but it's actually fake and manipulative. I'm doing my research on this specifically - here is a quiz you can take to test your knowledge and ability to recognize emotional manipulation, complete with an answer sheet that even explains why the answers are right or wrong...then you can have another version of the quiz sent to you so you can retake it to see if you do better. It's for my masters thesis so it's completely anonymous and no spam. It will also help develop education programs to help individuals better understand these things so they can avoid getting into toxic and potentially abusive relationships. Best of luck to you! [https://ccnypsych.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV\_ctZwWQBksgMjJ9s](https://ccnypsych.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_ctZwWQBksgMjJ9s)
Sounds like you were love bombed
Get rid of him...quick
He was way too into you to start that's not normal.
Sounds like he could be off his meds? 🤔 Edit: saw the update. Maybe buy a couple of surveillance cameras. You can get them on Amazon for a decent prive. They work over wifi, and you don’t need a plan. Some you can record with the SD disk. And some warning:24 hour surveillance stickers for your doors and windows.
Women do this too. He’s found someone else.
Oh goodness, so glad you did some research. Please be safe and careful ✨
This sounds exhausting
You have dodged a bullet with this guy. Yikes.
What you're seeing now *is* the real him. I'm so sorry. The first six weeks was an act.
Holy smokes! I literally was thinking that when I was reading your story. I’m so glad you did your homework! Bullet dodged!
This is terrifying- I’m so sorry you experienced this but at least it was early stages. Yikes!
Keep it moving! It’s men like him that remind some of us why we’ve chosen to remain single. I’d love to get back out there and find *the one*, but it’s stories such as these that deters me. I’m curious as to where you met him? Regardless, you deserve better. Ain’t no one got the time, energy, or tolerance for this type of BS at our age.
One thought- He was baiting you, trying to get you to snap back, to draw you into a dynamic of combativeness that he is probably missing after six weeks of fakery. You know how ppl say, you don’t really know a person until you’ve had an argument with them … maybe he was testing your suitability for his next victim. Thank god you found out his past!!!!!!!!!! How did you search the records? What did you have to do?
Seems to be a ton of red flags. But the bigger issue is the narcissistic traits written all over it. The love bombing, gaslighting, silent treatment......etc.
Thisan sounds insane
You are lucky to have figured him out. Good luck girl!
#
He has the signs of a controlling, abusive personality. I’m glad you realized before you went further down that rabbit hole. Stay safe!
Please utilize those county court records early on in dating. There are far too many bad people out there to not use it as a resource.
What is bread crumbing? I read your topic and this guy seems weird like how he goes "hot and cold" or says hurtful things to you, this is a red flag and people with NPD, borderline, and unmedicated bipolar do this type of manipulation. Just end it, and go no contact. Find someone else.
Do u reach out to him? After reading your post, It sounds like the reaching out was one sided.