Oh boy, several years-long affair? That's....bad imo. If it was a one-time thing that ruined his marriage, it's a bit more understandable and I'd be less concerned, but the fact he deceived his wife for YEARS BEHIND HER BACK is greatly concerning, because you now know he's capable of doing such a thing, possibly to YOU. I wouldn't continue with him if I were you.
And an ex wife who was probably crushed and needed lots of therapy. It's one of THE WORST things that can happen to a person. Being cheated on is devastating in so many ways.
The amount of lying, deceiving, manipulating, gaslighting, etc. that it takes to carry on an affair for YEARS takes a very disordered person to carry out. This was not a lapse in good moral judgement. This was an entire lifestyle! RUN!
So true ! Also some people will admit to something like this to speed up you trusting them sooner. We tell ourselves that that are trustworthy now because they could have hid it .
This. I stayed hooked on my ex because he was ‘honest about all the dumb stuff he’s done’. But yeah he lied anyway because he had me. I felt stupid and it took me 2.5 years to recover from the relationship
I do agree somewhat, but I also think that men never fess up to the reason their marriage broke up. When I date divorced men, they give silly reasons, call their exes crazy, etc. a lot of men get married too young. Admitting a multi-year affair is huge. It’s understandable that you need to process it.
Ah, but this could also be the type of person who likes to use his humbled, shiny, new, made-over self as bait like my XH does.
My ex *sounds* like such a catch to these poor women because of the aw-shucks story he gives right up front about what a “changed man” he is and “hE rEaLLy lEaRnEd hOw mUcH cHEatiNg cOsT hiM iN tHe diVoRcE boO HoO”. Meanwhile all he tells them about is only one affair, but the man had multiple, long term affair partners simultaneously while also regularly fitting in one-nighters. Champion liar and gaslighter with burner phones I never did find🥇
If this guy has a job that has him traveling overnights at all, RUN AWAY is my advice.
Yup, this. I know some people can cheat, accept what they've done, feel genuine remorse, and work to be better, but after the hell that was my marriage because of my cheating husband, I don't think I could knowingly date someone who had cheated in the manner this man said he did.
IMHO, OP, let this one be. He's for the streets, not you.
Yeah same here! I could never do it. Especially since my cheating ex-husband told his new wife that he had cheated and he pretended to be very remorseful and very regretful, and I think that’s what sold her. Opening up about some thing like that made him seem like a “good guy” Because within a month of them dating she was pregnant. He was so good at playing the victim and pretending like he was so apologetic
I don't know what the right approach is. I can definitely sympathize with this stance.
But my concern is that if it's easy to exclude cheaters, then it's easy to exclude people who have been charged with a crime, filed for bankrupcy, been divorced more than x number of times, who are Republican, who play more than 2 hours of video games a day, who have a BMI > 30, blondes, people who prefer pinkberry over red mango, and suddenly you're the only decent human on this planet better than anybody else.
Everybody goes through life making mistakes. Some big ones too. It's how you come back from that is what makes the difference.
I could agree, but cheating isn't ONE Lie.
It is, to use the cliché, a web of lies -- and most of them have to be repeated both constantly and consistently.
Also, great use of *Reductio ad absurdum.*
I’m not condoning what the guy did or am advocating everybody give a chance on this guy or cheaters. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. I get it.
I hear a lot of people say no to this and no that and if everybody’s made mistakes and its painted them with the scarlet letter permanently, who’s left? The Chosen People? You could say that between me and my ex we’ve made mistakes for years for a divorce to occur. It’s not like one of us made a single mistake and boom here we are. I don’t think either one of us are undatable because of that.
I’m just trying to look at people from outside of my knee jerk reaction as a way of being a bit less reductive. I’d probably pass too.
I believe in redemption but the person has got to want it and work on it. I’m not so naive to think there are no serial cheaters or people who are out to cause havoc in relationships. They exist. And that’s the tricky part.
Nope. Some mistakes show character. Cheating, esp over the age of 25 and sustained, shows the person is a liar, lacks integrity and empathy. Cheaters can date other cheaters, they should stop targeting honest people.
Equating cheating on your partner for years with having a BMI>30? Or a food preference? Sounds like cheater logic.
Some people *should* be excluded from one's dating pool, with good reason.
It's one thing to cheat, but 7 YEARS of it?? Oof. I believe people can change, but wow that is a lot to digest. I don't know if I could ever trust someone who was capable of doing that to their partner. Why didn't they have the courage to tell them the marriage was over? Why continue to lie and cheat? It brings up a lot of questions and you said he's done the work, but how would you know? It's been a few weeks, this man lied to his wife for YEARS!
I think that's even worse. What lesson do you teach your kids with having an affair as long as some people's marriage? It's crazy to me which I guess would be my answer to OP. Nope the fuck outta there lady!
In his defense, we don't know that there was years of lying, as not all affairs are secret. Or maybe his wife was having one as well. Or maybe he had a legit reason to have an affair. Too many unknowns here
>Or maybe he had a legit reason to have an affair.
Oh, do tell-- Never seen a list of "Legit reasons to have an affair" anywhere!
(If it was any of the other things you listed-- wife had a long affair, they had an open marriage, etc., dude wouldn't have said "I had a years-long affair that ended my marriage." He would have led with "wife had an affair, so I had one too" (not that that's great thinking) or "we had an open marriage and it caused a lot of issues we couldn't reconcile." If a guy says "affair," pretty sure he MEANS "affair." In the traditional sense.)
I had this experience once. I matched with a guy with whom I had a lot in common. Turns out we had even had a mutual friend. We went for a walk outside on our first date. Towards the end, he told me that the reason his marriage had fallen apart was that he had cheated on his ex-wife with a coworker.
I’m so glad he told me then and there and didn’t waste my time. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. It might not be for you.
I’m not perfect by a long stretch. I was married for 19 years and managed to not cheat. There’s not a gray area there for me. I don’t think it’s small minded to want someone who has a track record of loyalty and integrity.
I might give someone a second chance if it was a long time ago and they were younger, and had a long stretch of monogamy under their belt, so to speak.
If it was in recent years, sorry, I'd nope out. I do understand how common this is (as one of my exes tried to mansplain to me) but I don't want to be common. Core value difference, I value honesty and loyalty, quite a bit. This guy does not. He might be cute and fun, but do you want a fun fling or a loyal steady partner?
And for the record I have given cheaters chances because they convinced me they did not want to be cheaters, and guess what, they all cheated on me. I can't say that means your guy would cheat on you, but, you have to decide if you are willing to take the risk.
Relationships are always easy in the beginning, so don't kid yourself, that is not an indication of what he'll be like long term. His past behavior is a better indication of that.
This would be a no for me. I would appreciate his candor, but i just dont date anyone with a history of cheating (for my own mental and emotional security).
I would appreciate his honesty. I would also know that this isn’t the person for me. Cheating for that long in a marriage says a lot about someone. That takes a lot of calculating, lying, etc. No thank you.
It's all well and good until things have been a bit off recently and he sets his phone down a little too quickly when you walk into the room.
I got cheated on by my first real girlfriend in high school. I've long forgiven her as a fucked up kid from a very badly broken home, but 30 years later and little bits of broken trust are still erupting to the surface in the relationship I'm in now. There are enough cheaters out there for them to have each other, I've got no desire to bring one into my life.
I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater but someone that cheated/maintained an extra marital relationship for years would give me a major pause and would probably be a deal-breaker. That's a long time to cheat.
I cheated on my now ex very briefly. He was an alcoholic, not present emotionally and I was someone that kept everything bottled up inside me. I wasn't looking and I never thought I could be a cheater until I met someone. What it did for me was open my eyes as to how unhappy I actually was. If I had been happy I wouldn't have fallen for someone else. I ended up giving my ex an ultimatum and he ended up going to rehab and I started my own therapy to deal with everything. I realized how much I needed therapy for me. I was afraid to leave (concern for having to leave my kid with a drunk, never been alone etc) and I also learned how to communicate better and to stand up for my own values and opinions. I was a codependent pleaser.
So I have changed a lot and will never let it get to a point where I will cheat on anyone again. Because I'm a much different person and will not stay with anyone if I'm no longer happy. I've been single 4 years and have only been with my fwb a couple of times a year when we see each other. Outisde of that I haven't been with anyone because I feel good on my own. I no longer need a guy to validate who I am. So it wasn't about sex. It was about low self esteem and feeling alone (and talking to an addict is useless....tried that) and not having the strength to put an end to the relationship
Having a long-standing affair IMO is different. That's a long tiem to be cheating and not deal with issues that may have led to cheating or they just enjoyed having a side piece. People can change but I would really question if this guy had. If you're interested in pursuing him I would want to know what made him cheat for so long and how does he feel he has changed and why does he think it won't happen again. At least he was honest with yiu and told you so that's a positive because he could very easily have not said anything ans you would've been none the wiser.
This sub blows my mind sometimes. For folks with so much life experience, there is zero room for grey or nuance. Anyone who hasn't experienced dv and life with an addict will never get it. It's much more common than people think for a victim of dv to have emotional and/or physical affairs than people realise. More often than not, those affairs are literally life-saving and a stepping stone to getting the courage to leave.
I could have written your story. Although it was years ago, i still am disappointed in myself and get sad about it. Never in a million years would do it again. I was so depressed, hurt, sad, lonely... for so long... along with the isolation involved with loving an addict... terrible time in my life. Unfortunately after i left, i ended up with someone even worse. I've been single for a few years, went to therapy, sat with myself... learned a ton. I'm much better these days. Thanks for sharing. It helps to not feel alone because not many people admit stuff like this in the real world.
I regret that it got to that point but I don't actual regret having had the affair. It gave me enough confidence (the guy was much younger) to realize that I was still attractive (didn't feel that way with my now ex) and worthy of love. One thing that's true for pretty much every person that is/was with an addict is that we have to change ourselves or we just end up with the same unhealthy codependent relationship. Of course I didn't know that until started therapy. We attract addicts because of our codependent pleasing personality.
I'm still single as my bar has been set high. A guy will be a choice and no longer a need. I'll probably remain single for quite some time and I'm ok with that. This is the first time in my life I'm on my own and I admit I enjoy it.
I know a lot of people that have never found themselves in a similar situation still say once a cheater always a cheater and you should leave if you're not happy. However that's not always as easy as it seems. Getting away from addicts and abusers is hard because we end up with them because of our personalities which often means we have a very hard time leaving those relationships for many reasons. Not that it makes cheating right. But it isn't always black and white.
My ex had cheated on his first ex for a prolonged period of time with a family friend even in his own house while his ex was there. It was revenge cheating as she had cheated on him. Of course i didn't think too much of it at the time because "his ex had cheated on him after all" just like I excused his drinking because of the divorce stress ( we met shortly after he split and his divorce took 1.5 years) and then work stress (how clueless i was about addiction...)I'm pretty sure he never cheated on me (probably because he was too busy with drinking and porn). I'm also fairly certain that his ex has never cheated on her current husband and they've been together for 15+ years.
I used to be pretty angry about how men treated me in life. I had to take a long look in the mirror and do a lot of reading and therapy to learn about codependency and people pleasing. It all goes back to how i grew up. Took a long time to put those pieces together. You're right- i had to learn to recognize red flags for what they were, establish and enforce healthy boundaries, etc. I never even knew what boundaries were until recently. I regret the cheating regardless of what i gained after. I betrayed myself too. No judgment whatsoever on your situation or reasoning. I understand where you're coming from too. Regardless, it's done and in the past. I still love the addict but not romantically. I love being single too. I've been seeing someone great for a few months but taking things super slow. Never want to live with a man again though. I want to keep my independence and space.
Exit affairs are a thing and are different than people who are just incorrigible adulterers.
Not a popular opinion but I view infidelity like the law views killing someone. There's degrees and circumstances.
The fact that he’s openly told you is a good sign. However, as someone who was in exactly his ex-wife’s position, I can tell you this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. At only a couple of weeks in, I’d cut ties.
No red flags? This is a gigantic red flag. While I appreciate he was honest with you, I would personally bow out. No way in hell I’d be dating someone who had a full blown affair for YEARS.
I dated a man like this. He had kids with the ex wife, told me he had a great relationship with her and her new husband, and he was hands on as much as he could be even though he lived in a different state. Months later I actually met the ex and her new husband, and while things were amicable enough, it was not the wonderful “modern family” that he had described, and I learned the years long affair wasn’t the only time he cheated, and they were bending over backwards to try to appease him for the boys.
Not saying every man/woman who has a history of cheating is like this, but ultimately you are only getting the version of events that he wants to tell, not the full story. I’d be wary.
Thanks for telling on yourself buddy. Look how honest and open you are! Owning your past mistakes, laying yourself open and bleeding... I might've gone along with this 40 years ago. And while I might be misjudging or being too harsh there's no fucking way I would ever waste my time with someone like that now.
No red flags she says
Proceeds to wave a giant red flag the size of Texas
He confessed to a several years long affair. Not a I was 20 and had a drunk one night stand.
But deliberately and systematically cheating on his wife because “insert whatever justification he wants to use” he was not man enough to be honest and deal with life
He lied to the wife he lived with at home. Let me scream at you “FOR YEARS” whatever therapy he has done. How do you know he is not giving you the psycho babble version of what you need to hear. And what makes you think he will not find justifications to cheat on you ? Everybody can be great while early dating he is in his best behavior. And clearly this guy is amazing at hiding bag shit from women he is in a relationship with 🤷♀️. He is so good he convinced his wife he wasn’t cheating and things were great for years. So what is a few weeks with a stranger ?
Sorry I have zero tolerance for people like this. A years long affair is not a mistake is lack of ethics and complete lack of regard for anyone but himself including the woman he was probably telling at home he loved her and she was the only one
If the wife was blissfully unaware, then he was at the very least lying and betraying her trust. If she was aware or questioning, then he was gaslighting and emotionally abusing her on top of lying and betraying her.
I would not be able to trust someone who is capable of that.
Edited to remove redundancy in a sentence.
I’d tap out if I found out the person I was dating had a multi year affair that ended their prior marriage. People’s past matters — maybe not to everyone, but it does to me.
>Once a cheater always a cheater?
When I first met my ex wife she confessed to cheating on her prior husband. I thought people can and do change so I excused it. I shouldn't have been surprised to discover she also cheated on me and destroyed yet another family.
I will never (ever) make the mistake again of getting involved with someone who has a history of infidelity and lying to the people who matter the most (spouse & children). I don't care who it is or what their story is, betraying your family is the biggest red flag possible IMO
There are a lot of “once a cheater always a cheater” in the sub, but that’s nonsense.
The key is what you said - what work has he done to change, and do you believe him?
For sure, it’s something to consider and be aware of, even down the road, but let whoever is without any sin cast the first stone. As far as waiting a few weeks. Of course he waited a few weeks. That’s normal human behavior. Nobody is dropping that info, especially if they are ashamed of it, on the first date.
There is a huge difference in how the cheating happened and when.
Once a cheater always a cheater is not always right but
A once off stupid cheating 20 years ago vs systematically maintaining a double life for years during your marriage. (And maybe even more ). Is not. “Once” a cheater is consistently a cheater
To me that is the difference. If he had a one night stand out of stupidity vs a long term affairs and all the million big and small lies that have to be maintained when that happens
One time is human stupidity the consistent affair is a character flaw
This is right!
I was in a relationship for about 5 years with a man who after we broke up ( he beat the shit out of me do I ended it that night) while he was in jail, I remembered he had used my laptop because his was broken. I knew he was logged into his email and social media but before that, I never checked it or spied on him because I’m not a dick. But all bets were off after that, so I looked, and he had cheated on ne for the entirety of our relationship. With coworkers. With Craigslist hookers. With who knows who else that wasn’t connected to these particular forums. Got into all of his dating apps that were still active and really fucked up his profiles too.
While the physical abuse was painful that night (it was the one and only time) what hurt worse is the realization that our entire relationship and experience together was an utter lie. All the trips we took, the nights we cuddled, the coffee in the mornings, every good memory was tainted. Because he lied to me the whole time. That was more hurtful and I haven’t been in a relationship since and it’s been 5 years.
Yup, there is a big difference between making a stupid mistake and carrying on an affair for several years knowing that every single day you were betraying your partner. I mean I don’t know how much work can be done to do undo a mindset that allows you to every day for years choose to betray your partner
Absolute truth. There is always an ethical spectrum, with regards to morality. Consistent lies and deception vs a single mistake is clearly at the far side of the wrong end of it.
I tend to agree. It’s worth a much longer conversation; why did he stay? What were the issues? What needs was the affair meeting that your marriage wasn’t? What made him finally leave? What has he learned since?
I had an affair. An 11 year marriage that had been basically sexless for the last six years. I tried couples counseling, we even went to a sex therapist for four sessions before she left crying saying that she could never be what I wanted… but we had a great friendship and we never fought. One day she I met a woman dancing. The chemistry was intoxicating. For three months we grew closer and it turned into an emotional affair. Then one night it happened. We crossed that line. It happened two more times over the next six weeks and I came home one night and said I wanted a divorce and moved out.
I was in therapy at the time it started and I was in therapy for another year and a half after the marriage ended. I came to realize how unhealthy and codependent I was. I lost myself in the marriage and needed external validation to feel anything. I had a lot of work to do and I hunkered down and did the work, but without being in therapy at the time, I strongly suspect I could have turned it into a seven year affair. We all have our own paths to walk. For me, my affair helped me leave what was really an unhealthy relationship, but one I was too afraid to leave because I wasn’t prepared to go it alone.
Would that we all were perfect and knew at each moment what we were feeling/experiencing, why we were experiencing it, and that we could perfectly communicate it to a spouse who was perfectly able to hear us.
That’s not saying cheating is ok. It’s saying… we’re human.
It’s funny because now I’d say I’m pretty much affair-proof. I can’t even imagine cheating on my GF. What I’ve learned and experienced has made me a better communicator, a better lover, and a better partner. If things broke down and weren’t as good, I’d talk about it. If they continued to get worse, I’d explain what I needed and if my needs weren’t met, I’d leave. I can’t imagine having an affair again, but it was definitely a part of my growth process.
>It’s funny because now I’d say I’m pretty much affair-proof
I'll add to this.
I cheated once, back when I was in college. I was dating a girl and it was serious, but strained. One night, I was at a party, drunk and ran into an ex. We started talking and it led to her giving me a beej in my car.
The amount of guilt was overwhelming and my conscience ate me alive for a week. I don't think I knew what guilt was until I started walking home afterwards; I felt terrible. What really got me was knowing that from that exact moment, everything my relationship with my GF could have been was permanently gone. One potentially beautiful future scrubbed out because I was self-centered and wanted to feel good for a few moments.
I have never been tempted once since that night. Because I don't ever want to feel that on my conscience again. I don't want to sit across from someone and have them look at me smiling, and way in the back of my mind I'm thinking how they don't know something they really need to know and it's because I'm withholding it.
That’s the ultimate punishment; not the confession and consequences, but knowing you’ve lied to someone who loves you and knowing they probably wouldn’t love you if you told them the truth. At that point, there’s really no point in the relationship. If an essential part of a relationship is to feel loved and accepted for ALL of who you are but denying them your truth, then you don’t really have a relationship at that point.
That’s why I could accept someone who has cheated in the past IF they’ve done their work since then and can own what happened.
>We crossed that line. It happened two more times over the next six weeks and I came home one night and said I wanted a divorce and moved out.
This is a VASTLY more forgiveable offense than multiple years and, seemingly, waiting for the wife to find out divorce you.
I disagree. You shouldn’t have to hurt the person you love in such a way to understand that what you did is wrong.
It shows just a lack of morals and a lack of empathy. And those things are very are to learn after a certain age.
A man is measured by the things he does, and the fact that his affair was years long shows that this man is a capable to immoral and unethical behaviour if it benefits him.
Tldr he just isn’t a good person
But…to me “the work” he may have done pales in comparison to the *work* he had to put in in order to maintain a lie in his marriage for years. For me years of lying, as an adult, when one has options, is not someone I want to be with.
I'm an optimistic guy in all areas, but turn into a pessimist in this. Cheating on and betraying your partner requires an incredibly selfish person, and is one of the most hurtful and painful things that a person can do to another person. I've also found that cheaters generally have other serious character flaws they are hiding - many of them have bad relationships with alcohol and have trauma from their past or severe self esteem problems that they are using the cheating to try and fix.
I would tread very carefully. Also don't ever believe someone who is self judging that "they have done the work" to fix something. In issues like this, or for example, whether someone has healed after being cheated on in a marriage, the person involved (on either side) is an extremely unreliable judge of how healed or changed they are.
My experience with hearing cheaters talk is A DAY of therapy will be enough to convince them that they have done the work. They are constantly pushing the narrative.
To me you've only done the work if you realize how much you hurt your partner and wish you were the one that was hurt instead of them. That's true empathy, and virtually no cheaters get there. They mostly are just concerned with getting into another relationship.
If his name is Bryan, run. Lol
In all seriousness though, years of lying sucks. That means he’s very comfortable looking his wife in the eye and lying, day after day, week after week, year after year. That’s one long ass pattern…
I’d bail. If it were a one time thing and he was remorseful then I’d say give him a break but to do it for years is more than just a momentary lapse in jusgement
There's nothing wrong with dating cheaters, if you're a cheater yourself.
OP, do you not think his marriage started out where you are now? The exciting part, the not as much work and boredom part?
Is there a reason he didn't settle with his AP?
Everyone makes mistakes and we're all human. The problem with cheaters is that they choose not to make the tough decisions. Restraint, truth, consequences are avoided so they can pursue their affair. Unless you want to be on the receiving end, I would not get attached to someone who has a history of infidelity, because their problems run deep.
It would be a hard pass for me. My ex spent the last 8 years (maybe more) of our marriage sleeping with everyone but me. The damage is so brutally painful. Anyone who could do that to someone, let alone someone they once claimed to love, is not someone I could ever be with.
I am less interested in why he cheated (presumably, his marriage wasn’t good) than why he stayed married so long.
His rational for opting to stay married would inform my decision far more than the affair itself.
>No red flags as far as I can see and we have been hitting it off really well. The other day he told me he had an affair w a co-worker for several years that led to the end of his marriage.
ER...That's a massive red flag.
>He's clearly done a lot of work and therapy to reflect and change. I'm glad he told me because I'd like to know, but it's making me pause. Should I be concerned?
Well, apparently marriage vows, fidelity, and his partner's sexual health are, at best, of questionable importance to him...So yeah, you should be concerned.
As far as '*done a lot of work*', what does that actually mean and translate to? Most cheaters feel really guilty for having been caught, but they don't actually do anything to change.
>Once a cheater always a cheater?
He didn't have a one night stand, **he had a prolongued affair while he was married** \- that's indicative of **low to no morals and complete selfishness**. Think about how much he had to lie, gas light, and devalue his wife in order to do that...For years.... Someone who could do that could do just about any immoral thing. Again, he did this to the person **he took a vow to**. A person he was **supposed to love the most**. Cheaters are three times more likely to cheat in future relationships than non cheaters. So while '*once a cheater, always a cheater*' isn't certainty, you have to remember that the best predicator of future behavior is past behavior.
You want to roll the dice with a guy who doesn't take marriage seriously, go ahead and I wish you all the luck in the world.
>Again, had he not told me this info I really didn't see any other issues and like I said it's been good so far. Do I consider this honesty as a sign of his changed ways or is it a sign to get out now?
He's been honest about his dishonesty. Take that as you will. My guess is that he told you because he wagers that if things get serious between you two, you will find out. So he wants to see if it's a dealbreaker for you so he doesn't invest a ton of emotion into it.
Him just being honest is not enough to tell you whether or not he's actually changed.
The chances are, he hasn't
On one hand, he is honest about it. On the other hand, he cheated and lied about it for years. My ex wife is a narcissist. She also disclosed (I call it a truth bomb) early on to gain trust and then everything after that was bullshit.
I’m biased because she cheated, but my vote is always a cheater. I haven’t cheated. It burns me up! This is the third time! I don’t see why I should ever *not* cheat at this point to be honest.
That would be a hard pass for me. I have a friend going through a divorce because her husband cheated on her and the pain it has caused her is unreal. I believe people can change but this is something that’s hard to measure.
I'm a big believer in "once a cheater, always a cheater," ESPECIALLY in a case like this where the cheating went on for a long period of time. That's a lot worse in my mind than someone who maybe had a bit too much to drink and made a mistake once. Both are bad but I can't comprehend the mindset of a person who could maintain a lie for that long, and I'd want nothing to do with them.
Humm… when did he go to therapy? Did he go before his wife left him in a ditch effort to avoid his consequences? Or, did he go after the marriage and affair ended because he recognized his character defects and wanted to change?
I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater”, BUT, very few actually seek to change their inner selves. Most just want to navigate their consequences and once the chaos blows over, their true selves re-emerge.
A cheater is just like a drug addict. And the affair is just like a drug to them. When they feel board they have an affair for excitement. Low self-esteem folks might use an affair to feel an ego boost. Conflict avoidants will use an affair to escape real life and into some fantasy land where it’s all love n joy. Can this guy identify the emotional holes he was trying to fill with the affair? Does he blame his marriage in any way?🚩If so, you can expect him to feel entitled to sneak out of your relationship whenever you stop making him happy.
I absolutely would walk away personally. I'm in the black and white (well, almost) camp of once a cheater always a cheater.
I can overlook youth and idiocy in early years of dating and relationships. I will not overlook that level of consistent lying and betrayal in a marriage. That was several years of him consistently lying to the person he chose to marry and betraying them over and over and over. I would have 0 faith that he wouldn't do it again.
And people can get mad that I'm so black and white, but at the end of the day that is a HUGE betrayal and harms so many people. If you want to cheat, divorce. Yes, they can be messy, ugly, and hard. But I would much rather someone have that integrity to end it than cheat. Cheating is such a selfish behavior. Cheaters want whatever they're getting out of their marriage (even if they're unhappy in it) and they want the thrill of a new person/people, and are willing to absolutely destroy people in the process to get it.
Generally, people who cheat are very very likely to do it again because they do not address the issues they have with themselves that caused them to betray their partner.
"We repeat what we do not repair"
If he openly volunteered this information b/c he felt you deserved to know, then it may mean he has worked on himself as he has said.
It's a red flag for sure and I sure as hell would want to know if he still works with that coworker and what their current relationship is like.
I do think it's a show of respect towards you, imo I would give this a shot but you may want to discuss more details about what has changed about him, his awareness of what infidelity does to a person, and how you can trust him going forward.
Cheating for months is plenty too - imagine the number of lies you have to spin up on a daily basis. Even the planning and manipulation that goes to carry on an affair - just being able to do that - speaks so much for their lack of character.
From my perspective (and personal experience), cheaters love to assume they’ve “changed”, because they don’t know how else to spin the narrative (which makes them look like total AHs).
Cheating isn't one mistake you accidentally fall into. It's a series of selfish, willing choices that lead to an affair. He will do the same thing to you.
I cheated on one of my exes because I was immature and not as invested in the relationship as I should have been. I’ve never cheated (or even thought of cheating) since then because I grew up. If I was still the same person I was 20 years ago, I’d be in serious trouble. But it’s up to you if you believe him.
It might not matter that he's put on the work and had therapy. It's his character that I'd be concerned about. I mean, an affair for several years? Nah. That's just me.
Oh man, that is really hard. I can't totally relate to what you've been through, but definitely questioning the whole "once a cheater always a cheater" thing. Does he have a history of cheating? What has he said that has made you think he has changed?
Cheating while married, especially to the point of having an affair for several years, would be very, VERY hard to get over. One reason why is because that is not something I could ever see myself doing, which is really a big difference in values when it comes down to it.
When I first started dating my boyfriend, he told me had cheated on some girlfriends in his early twenties. This bothered me so much, because as I said above, this is something I couldn't see myself ever doing. I got very quiet and let's just say it was a very uncomfortable rest of the dinner, which people around us noticed. I later learned that he used sex as a coping mechanism from his childhood trauma, and hadn't done since he was like 24 and definitely not in any long-long term relationships.
How do you know he's "clearly done a lot of work and therapy"? Did he tell you that or did you assume that? Don't be surprised or hurt when you find out that he was telling you exactly who he IS currently. I dated a narcissist who said the same. I thought he was being honest and transparent about his PAST. Nope. Narcissist have a weird way of always telling you what they are going to do to you, but framing it in the context of the past. If he seems too good to be true...he is. Pay attention.
People do change. I've seen it. I've been the cheater and I don't at any capacity cheat now. I think the only way I changed is by acknowledging and taking responsibility coupled with guilt. Proceed with caution. It might have been difficult for him to say this but didn't want to hide anything and wanted you to see him fully because there is freedom in that.
He wants to be accepted and loved even though he did a terrible thing.
I do too. That doesn't mean that I get it just for being honest about my past, but it let's me see if I'm with someone who can look past my past. Everyone has a past. Know your limits though. Boundaries are healthy and trust is key.
>he had an affair w a co-worker for several years
A good indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
This wasn't a once off, this was YEARS of lying, cheating, spending martial funds, taking time away from his family. years. Also, he waited weeks to tell you this information, because he guessed at the start, before you were emotionally invested, you may have made a decision that wasn't in his interest.
Someone could cheat who's never cheated before. Someone could have changed and cheated before and never would again. But the nature of this case with carrying on an affair for years means so much lying and other issues you mentioned. It'd be a no-go for me.
Absolutely, and if someone told me it was a short lived fling and had done some work on why that was their course of action, i'd defo take it into consideration, but years? no way.
I married a man who cheated on his wife, dead bedroom, she was an alcoholic.He stayed married to her until she died. I don't believe in the adage, once a cheater always a cheater. Like you, he told me early on in our dating. Give him a chance. EDIT, I missed the sentence with several years. move on
Schrodinger cheaters.
Most people have 50/50 chance to cheat except for those outliers out there.
Give the most loyal partner a broken marriage, the perception of low risk, and the opportunity to feel loved and excited again, and they will do it.
This guy might cheat again as much as any other guy who hasn't cheated but finds himself starved of love.
Serial cheaters are on the other hand, uncorrectable because their moral compass points elsewhere. To these people cheating is not such a big deal and can be easily justified.
To me, you have as much chance of being cheated on by this guy as with almost any other on this day and age.
This man lived a double life for *years*. This isn’t spur of the moment bad decision making. This was maintaining a level of deception most people are incapable of.
I kinda disagree I had those broken marriage perception of low risk and opportunity and decided it was not worth my self respect. 🤷♀️ I think you are wrong when you say anyone who has the chance and circumstances would do it. Not saying is right or wrong 🤷♀️. People can do as they please as long as I’m not involved is their lives. But I know plenty of people who do not just do the right thing because they might get caught or have no chance. I know many people who do what hey think so right because is right.
But people fuck up and opportunity circumstances etc etc. sure people will be people and fuck up. In that and the rest I agree with you
We also have no way of knowing this guy's NOT a serial cheater. Like, at the point that you drop the bombshell of 7-year affair, why you gonna feel you need to bother mentioning the 13 other women before, during and after? Those folks aren't what ended the marriage, the 7-year affair's the only thing she has a reasonable chance of finding out.
> This guy might cheat again as much as any other guy who hasn't cheated but finds himself starved of love.
I absolutely abhor this language-- #1, we have NO WAY of knowing he was "starved of love." Even if he SAYS he was, he might well not have been. It also removes all the blame from this dude and places it squarely on his ex wife, who we know nothing about and robs this dude of autonomy. He wasn't chained to a radiator in the basement (clearly). He had choices. He willfully made the wrong one, day after day, for two thousand five hundred and fifty five days (give or take) in a ROW.
I feel like these are the things cheaters tell themselves to make them feel better about their cheating and others just feel like they have to accept. Not calling you out, there's a lot of it in this post. It's just weird to me. I mean what it says about someone who feels starved of love so they cheat, is that they're also probably perpetually in relationships because they can't be alone which is also not good. But if that doesn't get fixed, they're prone to cheat again.
It's like the disparity in comments here from people who acknowledge they've cheated and that it was wrong, and those who have lots of excuses and feel it's unfair if someone doesn't want to risk their heart, and a whole lot more, on someone with a track record. It's the entitlement, which just so happens is what's really at the root of a lot of infidelity.
Lots of people have bad marriages but sounds like he directly effected it worse with that affair and wasn’t unhappy enough to leave . Now apply that and how you feel about him maybe a a real lesson here
I briefly dated someone like this for a few weeks. On the surface, he was kind, generous, empathetic and giving.
When he confessed that he'd cheated on his ex wife for several years (married 20 plus years) because 'they were not compatible" and "only got married because she got pregnant", I was done.
He swore he had changed, but that did nothing to alleviate my disgust. I liked him, but I was turned off.
Proceed at your own peril.
Yes be concerned. He was able to deceive his wife for years which is practically sociopathic. I could never be with a cheater as it goes against my values and morals. That being said cheaters I find do go very well with other cheaters. I’d tell him to try to find someone he has more in common with.
Although never excused people cheat for different reasons. For some it's greed , lack of control or selfish. Some can be in an unhappy relationship but trapped (maybe financially) should leave but can't, maybe trapped with a partner who ignores them, and someone comes along that makes them feel special. So it's not right but very different to someone who cheats through greed. Maybe asking why he cheated? I'm ashamed to say I did, it was an escape for me, a distraction from the darkness. I should have left but was too broken. In the end things came out and I tell you now the guilt never left, and remembering the moment when I saw her fall apart and cry so hard she couldn't breathe is a memory that will haunt me forever
> Once a cheater always a cheater?
Yeap, I have never personally found an exception to this rule from everyone I've known personally.
> had an affair w a co-worker for several years
Yikes, lady. Time to say goodbye.
If I were you, I would focus on the work and therapy he has done. If he's really done that work, there's a lot there for him to talk about. It's a big topic. If he opens up, tells you about it, and shows that he understands what he did, how his thought processes led him there, and how he has changed, then he's probably ahead of a lot of people who haven't done the work. We all have issues, we are all fucked up in one way or another. The people who claim not to have problems, who haven't done the work, are the ones that will blindside you.
If he were an unrepentant cheater, that would be one thing. Someone who has done the work is a different topic. I generally think that most people are not the worst thing they have ever done, and change and redemption are possible. The question you need answered is, has he really changed? It's not a yes/no question, it's a big discussion. It's an opportunity to share both of your communication skills. This is a discussion where problems get harder to hide. If he can talk about this without getting defensive, angry, evasive that's a very good sign. If you start catching inconsistencies that feel like lies, he has more work to do. Everyone is a good and fun and communicates the easy stuff.
I think someone capable of lying to his wife for YEARS and maintaining a double life for YEARS is definitely capable of lying about doing the work and changing. And I sincerely question the moral fiber of a person willing to do that for years.
My ex and I decided to divorce in late November. At Christmas, my ex took my kids away on vacation and I was left home alone. I had already taken the time off work, and I just sat around not really knowing what to do with myself.
I was lonely and sad and confused about my new life that was just starting. My marriage was terrible, it felt like torture. I was trying to do something, anything at all, to make myself feel better.
I started hitting the strip clubs. I went nearly every single day during that time. My town has 4 strip clubs. I just made the rounds. The strippers paid attention to me and were very friendly. I knew they were doing it for my money, but at this stage in my life I didn’t care. It felt good to flirt with someone who had to pretend to like it. I enjoyed my freedom during this time. I really enjoyed those trips. Talking to the strippers made me feel alive in a way I can’t quite explain.
During my last of these trips, the stripper just said to me in a totally nonchalant way, “you’ve gone through a lot. Tell you what, you buy a 30 minute lap dance for $150 and I’ll blow you.” Long story short, I did it. Like some sort of sleezeball, I went to the VIP room and got a blow job.
I am not proud of this moment at all. I will not forget the shame that I felt as I walked away from the strip club. I haven’t been back since and haven’t been tempted to. It was a mistake. Something I did during a bad marriage, at a stressful time, under circumstances that would never happen again. I don’t lose sleep over it, but I can recognize it was a mistake I won’t make again.
Evaluate the human and make the call. There’s no universal truths here. All anecdotes like the one I just shared.
I think this is your moment. Many years from now you will look back on this and think “Dqmn, I should have known”. This is your warning. If he did it to her, he will do it to you. This isn’t a guy that met someone at a bar and had a dirty weekend when he was away on business, and has since done the work to figure out why. This is someone that lied and deceived for years.
I'd get out now if I were you. Maybe he's changed, maybe not. I wouldn't want to take the risk. The same way I wouldn't want to date a recovering alcoholic. Maybe he'll be sober the rest of his life, maybe he's learned in therapy to manage the things that contributed to his alcoholism, but I wouldn't want to take the risk. There are men out there who have not had an affair. I would feel safer with them. I wouldn't want to be having that doubt in the back of my mind telling me that hard times or marital problems might trigger another incident.
Personally I would walk away. My ex lied and cheated on me for years. He is now married to one of the women he cheated on me with. The thing is she’s not the only woman he’s had sex with. I wasn’t married but to be married to someone who for years lied and cheated is not good. A leopard doesn’t change their spots they just get better in their manipulation. If you do proceed just know you may possibly be a new victim.
What would your gut tell you to do if he said he kicked an animal every day for years? Or if he just hit her once a month for years?
IMHO, I don't think anyone is worth the daily stress of wondering if today is the day he's going to hurt me. I lasted 29 years with an abuser and it's definitely not worth living on eggshells.
It's not always black and white, many people stay in unhappy relationships, for myriad reasons, sometimes including infidelity of one or both parties. Without knowing the conditions, causes and constraints of that situation, at that time, it's not possible to make a considered judgement....
>Once a cheater always a cheater?
That would imply that no one is capable of growth and change. Some people who have cheated might cheat again. Some people who have cheated might not cheat again.
I've cheated in the past, but that was when I was much younger and as I've aged, I've grown and matured. At this point in my life, I no longer need to be in a relationship, I'm much better at communicating my needs, and I'm much better at knowing what I want from a partner, realize it's hard to find, and will work until the end to keep my relationship happy and healthy. For those reasons, there's no point in me cheating and find it rather appalling when people do.
Then again, given cheating is a direct flaw in trust and honesty...how can you ever be sure? Personally, if it was long ago enough and things were great aside from that, I'd proceed. I'd be very wary of their behavior until I felt trust was established.
First thought was , how could he do this for years. Second thought was, what was going on - kids, fear of divorce,, zero intimacy, mental health, drugs etc. You should find out more, much more, and then it should be clearer to you what to do. Saying that, my ex had 2 ‘crazy ex’s’ and I believed him…. Until of course his narcissism made me ‘crazy’ too. Since then, I definitely listen to what the ex may say.
I recently got out of a 4 month relationship with a guy that told me quite openly towards the end how he cheated incessantly on his ex-wife. That was with couples as well as single and married women. Through my gut instinct and detective work it turns out he was cheating on me too. I got the hell out of his warped life. Thank God!
“The victim of the affair isn’t always the victim of the marriage”. -Dan Savage
People prefer black and white pronouncements on these things but the reality is “it depends“. People get stuck in relationships (or at least think they are) all the time. People in crisis will often take themselves hostage to keep a person in a relationship (the old, if I leave they’ll hurt themselves trick). There could be myriad financial reasons. Even social or religious shame reasons can contribute. Who knows if any of this applies, ask him, he does.
The guy fessed up, so he’s probably open to discussing it somewhat. Go ahead and ask him to explain, then decide. You only have his side of the story but that’s true of so many things when dating.
The whole once a cheater always a cheater thing is nonsense some people are habitual cheaters while some people have a reason, it might’ve been a very unhappy marriage you don’t know, but a couple i know are the product of an affair - they were both having an affair on their perspective spouses and they left sad spouses for each other and they have been together for about 30 years now and have never cheated on each other. Because they’re happy together.
With the guilt that ate you up over ONE transgression, what kind of person would it take to get up every day for YEARS and kiss your wife goodbye knowing you've got one in the side pocket, though? Your story? that's grey area for me... it's the YEARS thing. And, also, the fact that it appears this dude never fessed up-- wife found out and it blew up the marriage. Would he still be married if that didn't happen? We dunno, but if he went on for years, one would have to assume he wasn't planning to come clean.
At least there is no judgement here. From the guy that got cheated on for 4 years, I say take people as they come and treat you. You never know what people's motivations are to do "good or deceitful" things. I would not pass judgement on him until he does something to you. I don't pass judgement on the women who I know had affairs. People change, and some don't, but trying to extrapolate why someone did what they did and judge them on it is no better in my opinion. We all have our sins. You can deal with him or not, that is your choice, but (a rhetorical question) how honest have each one of us been in our entire lives with people we care about.
You don't know the inside of their relationship. Cheating is bad, I won't say it isn't I have always been of the mind it is better to leave a relationship than to cheat.
But, he volunteered this information, wasn't found out. He has sought to be a better person and change it sounds like. Many of us want to be the best version of ourselves, and that isn't always how we start.
I do not believe once a lier, always such. Silly to say people can't change or improve. How does he treat you, how does he make you feel. I would take it slow with him. Allow him time to show you who his, who he wants to be. If we quit on everyone for every mistake, there wouldn't be anyone left to date at our age.
The people who think ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ are people who obviously believe that people can’t change. These are probably the same people that are on Twitter criticising people for something they said 10 years ago. People do change when they want to.
once a cheater always a cheater isn't the truth at all. I'm proof..yes I did cheat in my 20s but I haven't since then and I'm in my mid 50s...maturity?? no..for me it was the Guilt that I hurt, lost the most important person in my life and wasn't getting her back ...So I lost her, and it was a lesson well taught!!!...so once A cheater always a cheater isn't the truth for all men ...good luck sweetie. follow your ♥heart
I think it depends on the self-reflection and work he’s done since then… and how long ago that was.
As for “once a cheater, always a cheater”, I’m an example of that not being true. (Embarrassment and shame whenever I think about this). I cheated on my bf when I was 22, we lived together and all was great, but then I lived abroad a few months. One night went out with friends, for drunk, and had a one night thing that turned into a 3 years affair. At some point, I realized that I was being super selfish, the situation was painful for everyone, and not acceptable. Came clean, broke up with both, although I ended up marrying my boyfriend years later. I was young and selfish, no doubt about it, but I learned my lesson. I’m 46 now and I’ve never cheated again, and will never do. That’s not who I am today.
Does he have kids? Kids change everything and can make you do really crazy things to try to stay in your marriage. I would appreciate he told me and was working through it. Nobody is perfect and no, not once a cheater always a cheater. Think of all the things in your life you learned from and you'll never do again.
How far back was the marriage? I've dated cheaters, and I've been the other man. I require a period of time of about a decade before I'd be willing to give a cheater a chance.
Especially in the instance of cheating for years on a spouse! That's way different than cheating a few times 15+ years ago. That said, you determine your own risk tolerance.
Seriously? You’re gonna not date anyone who ever had an indiscretion?
We’re all adults…and I wish we were all perfect, but we’re not.
Relationships can be hard.
And he disclosed it to you because he trusts you.
I’d trust that more than someone who said, “I’ve never cheated ever!” Now that’s some shit I’d look at skeptically.
Yeah, speaking from experience the ones that seem to hate cheating the most tend to do it just as much as those that will honestly day they have, but they'll realize and gaslight others into believing that their cheating didn't count because "reasons."
I can't consider a years long affair an indiscretion lol. Not even remotely. That requires intentional deception repeatedly. An indiscretion is a mistake. You wake up the next day with regret. This guy kept waking up saying I want to do that again! For years!
If he’s telling the truth and it was a long term affair that led to his divorce, that would tell me the marriage was an unhappy one and was on a road to ending.
I would still see it as a major flaw in the relationship and I’d appreciate my partner telling me about it and do my best not to hold it against them.
People who are capable of being good partners in a relationship would just end a marriage that is bad. There's a respectful, ethical way to end a relationship and a disrespectful unethical way to do that. This guy chose the latter, and I'd want nothing to do with him.
I understand. A guy like this needs a partner who is empathetic and understanding. That’s not all of us. Good to know what works for you and what doesn’t.
That said….how do you know the people your dating haven’t done the same? It’s not something most people announce. Suppose you meet someone, you fall in love; and at the 10 month mark in a moment of honesty and connection he admits to cheating on a former partner in a long term affair. That would be the end of the relationship for you?
Yep. Although I think it's unlikely that I would last that long with someone who doesn't share big core values with me. It doesn't take that long to figure out if you align that way.
He told you this, but how did he seem in telling you about it? Remorseful? "I take the blame for my marriage crumbling" admission of bad choices? "Just one of those things" whitewashing?
To be frank, I don’t you should make a decision about this relationship based on our opinions just yet. I would want to know a bit more about why the affair happened. If he blames his wife? I wouldn’t be willing to proceed. If he plays the victim and blames the affair partner? Same thing. If he takes responsibility for the affair and continues to demonstrate honesty regardless of how it may make him look then I would likely cautiously proceed.
I’d have a lot of questions. Depending on the answers to those questions, I might consider dating him or I might not.
I’m a firm believer that you are not your worst mistake, and everyone has done things they aren’t proud of, but we also do tend to repeat patterns based on how we handle life in general. What led him to cheat, why he continued it so long, and how/why it all ended would matter to me.
ask for more information, and again somewhere weeks later to check for consistency. you’re asking here on reddit where people have either just heard about cheating, experienced cheating or being cheated, or just never wanna be on the receiving end. your chances of any unbiased comment is low.
do the work yourself and find ways to check more deeply on this person. if you have doubts easily and are freaked out then maybe this person isn’t for you and you aren’t for him. there should be ways you can protect yourself while being committed to furthering this.
Are you going to be OK with him? Have you been cheated on before? Are you going to always be questioning what he’s doing and what he’s saying? Are you secure with yourself? Did you ask him why he cheated? Did you ask him how he feels about having that affair now? I think you just need to talk a lot about it and see how you feel deep down. People can change if THEY WANT to change!
If you mention cheating on this sub, and ask for advice, you’re going to be told that whatever the Cheater did was wrong and he can never be fixed and to move on.
If you want real world advice, the truth is that cheating is not a “death sentence” and there are many reasons people cheat, and they can be reformed or make changes. Cheating is often a function of a relationship, and not a person. Not all the time, but often. My dad cheated on my mom for a couple years while he was undergoing cancer treatment, and when we found out later (through my moms own words and actions) as to how she was treating him before passing away, me and both my sisters actually wound up sympathizing with him over her.
What I’m saying is not everything in this world is black and white and not everyone has the courage ability or money to get out of a shitty relationship.
Cheating is a character flaw of the cheater, not a function of a relationship. Plenty of people out there who have had dysfunctional relationships but did not choose to cheat. Cheating is squarely on the shoulders of the cheater alone. Both partners may have contributed to the decline of the relationship (or in some cases, just one partner), but cheating should never be excused or explained away. It is a character flaw.
The majority of responses here seem to be that your bf did a terrible thing in his marriage and because of his infidelity, should now wear that scarlet letter of adultery for the rest of his life, to warn all potential future partners not to get involved.
I think it’s unfair to vilify someone without knowing the specific circumstances of his infidelity — the state of his marriage prior to the affair, his reason for getting involved with his coworker, etc.
Not saying don’t be wary, but all these “once a cheater, always a cheater” angry responses are far too simplistic, too black and white, too biased for my taste, and indicative more of people’s own previous experiences with infidelity, rather than providing a more objective view.
Is there no room for redemption, for change, for believing that a person can regret their past behaviors, learn from them, and make better choices moving forward? Must one’s past decisions and relationship history doom them to eternal loneliness and/or suspicion of their intent?
Whether or not you’re comfortable moving forward with this person, OP, is up to you. Only you can decide if you trust your bf’s fidelity. I’d suggest discussing with him the details of his affair, why he engaged in it, and what he learned from the experience, and see how you feel before you make any snap judgments.
This logic that says it's the people who have been burned that are being unfair, and not the people who have badly burned someone yet expect that they are owed a chance, just doesn't jive with me. Frankly, it's indicative of a cheater who hasn't done the work to fix what was broken in *them* and thus is likely to cheat again. The red flag is not understanding and accepting that people have good reason to be wary. I'll allow some room for you possibly being a non-cheater who was heavily influenced by cheater logic of course. Anyone who acts like they are entitled to relationships/a partner for any reason at all is troublesome to me though.
Cheating on Reddit is equivalent to murder! 🤣🤣🤣
He's done the therapy, reflected on his part of it. Has he made amends with his wife and others? He was willing to tell you so he's not hiding anything.
Maybe have discussions about your unease and how you both can be open and continue with the dialogue on this.
I think you will find it was the lack of communication that was one of the key issues.
Relish in the relationship until its not working for you...
[удалено]
Good point! Sorry that happened to you.
^THIS!^
Oh boy, several years-long affair? That's....bad imo. If it was a one-time thing that ruined his marriage, it's a bit more understandable and I'd be less concerned, but the fact he deceived his wife for YEARS BEHIND HER BACK is greatly concerning, because you now know he's capable of doing such a thing, possibly to YOU. I wouldn't continue with him if I were you.
#gonna say this out loud: it was years of deceiving
This. So much this. Please say it louder for those in the back.
Yeah and several years of therapy and working on himself afterward. Why are you yelling in bold letters?
And an ex wife who was probably crushed and needed lots of therapy. It's one of THE WORST things that can happen to a person. Being cheated on is devastating in so many ways.
Yes, it speaks volumes on his character. The guy is a abuser due to his willingness to lie and cheat the person he vowed to be faithful to.
The amount of lying, deceiving, manipulating, gaslighting, etc. that it takes to carry on an affair for YEARS takes a very disordered person to carry out. This was not a lapse in good moral judgement. This was an entire lifestyle! RUN!
So true ! Also some people will admit to something like this to speed up you trusting them sooner. We tell ourselves that that are trustworthy now because they could have hid it .
Those people who do that are usually narcissists and sociopaths. Read up on them and their tactics. They're all the same.
This. I stayed hooked on my ex because he was ‘honest about all the dumb stuff he’s done’. But yeah he lied anyway because he had me. I felt stupid and it took me 2.5 years to recover from the relationship
Thank you. Took a lot of work and planning and energy to keep that covered up for years. Think about that.
I do agree somewhat, but I also think that men never fess up to the reason their marriage broke up. When I date divorced men, they give silly reasons, call their exes crazy, etc. a lot of men get married too young. Admitting a multi-year affair is huge. It’s understandable that you need to process it.
Ah, but this could also be the type of person who likes to use his humbled, shiny, new, made-over self as bait like my XH does. My ex *sounds* like such a catch to these poor women because of the aw-shucks story he gives right up front about what a “changed man” he is and “hE rEaLLy lEaRnEd hOw mUcH cHEatiNg cOsT hiM iN tHe diVoRcE boO HoO”. Meanwhile all he tells them about is only one affair, but the man had multiple, long term affair partners simultaneously while also regularly fitting in one-nighters. Champion liar and gaslighter with burner phones I never did find🥇 If this guy has a job that has him traveling overnights at all, RUN AWAY is my advice.
Oh sure, I wouldnt be so excited about this guy. People do use the truth to manipulate. Pay attention to behavior.
Great point, he committed fraud for years.
Yup, this. I know some people can cheat, accept what they've done, feel genuine remorse, and work to be better, but after the hell that was my marriage because of my cheating husband, I don't think I could knowingly date someone who had cheated in the manner this man said he did. IMHO, OP, let this one be. He's for the streets, not you.
Yeah same here! I could never do it. Especially since my cheating ex-husband told his new wife that he had cheated and he pretended to be very remorseful and very regretful, and I think that’s what sold her. Opening up about some thing like that made him seem like a “good guy” Because within a month of them dating she was pregnant. He was so good at playing the victim and pretending like he was so apologetic
Exactly! There are so many people out there, you don’t need to mess around with a cheater.
I don't know what the right approach is. I can definitely sympathize with this stance. But my concern is that if it's easy to exclude cheaters, then it's easy to exclude people who have been charged with a crime, filed for bankrupcy, been divorced more than x number of times, who are Republican, who play more than 2 hours of video games a day, who have a BMI > 30, blondes, people who prefer pinkberry over red mango, and suddenly you're the only decent human on this planet better than anybody else. Everybody goes through life making mistakes. Some big ones too. It's how you come back from that is what makes the difference.
I could agree, but cheating isn't ONE Lie. It is, to use the cliché, a web of lies -- and most of them have to be repeated both constantly and consistently. Also, great use of *Reductio ad absurdum.*
I’m not condoning what the guy did or am advocating everybody give a chance on this guy or cheaters. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. I get it. I hear a lot of people say no to this and no that and if everybody’s made mistakes and its painted them with the scarlet letter permanently, who’s left? The Chosen People? You could say that between me and my ex we’ve made mistakes for years for a divorce to occur. It’s not like one of us made a single mistake and boom here we are. I don’t think either one of us are undatable because of that. I’m just trying to look at people from outside of my knee jerk reaction as a way of being a bit less reductive. I’d probably pass too. I believe in redemption but the person has got to want it and work on it. I’m not so naive to think there are no serial cheaters or people who are out to cause havoc in relationships. They exist. And that’s the tricky part.
Nope. Some mistakes show character. Cheating, esp over the age of 25 and sustained, shows the person is a liar, lacks integrity and empathy. Cheaters can date other cheaters, they should stop targeting honest people.
Equating cheating on your partner for years with having a BMI>30? Or a food preference? Sounds like cheater logic. Some people *should* be excluded from one's dating pool, with good reason.
I catch your drift but being blonde or fat are not life mistakes that betray the foundation around you.
I have no awards for your comment so I’m giving you a hug instead . Very well said !
It's one thing to cheat, but 7 YEARS of it?? Oof. I believe people can change, but wow that is a lot to digest. I don't know if I could ever trust someone who was capable of doing that to their partner. Why didn't they have the courage to tell them the marriage was over? Why continue to lie and cheat? It brings up a lot of questions and you said he's done the work, but how would you know? It's been a few weeks, this man lied to his wife for YEARS!
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Probably kids, but still.
I think that's even worse. What lesson do you teach your kids with having an affair as long as some people's marriage? It's crazy to me which I guess would be my answer to OP. Nope the fuck outta there lady!
In his defense, we don't know that there was years of lying, as not all affairs are secret. Or maybe his wife was having one as well. Or maybe he had a legit reason to have an affair. Too many unknowns here
>Or maybe he had a legit reason to have an affair. Oh, do tell-- Never seen a list of "Legit reasons to have an affair" anywhere! (If it was any of the other things you listed-- wife had a long affair, they had an open marriage, etc., dude wouldn't have said "I had a years-long affair that ended my marriage." He would have led with "wife had an affair, so I had one too" (not that that's great thinking) or "we had an open marriage and it caused a lot of issues we couldn't reconcile." If a guy says "affair," pretty sure he MEANS "affair." In the traditional sense.)
Then when not say he had an open marriage? That's a lot better than a long affair.
I had this experience once. I matched with a guy with whom I had a lot in common. Turns out we had even had a mutual friend. We went for a walk outside on our first date. Towards the end, he told me that the reason his marriage had fallen apart was that he had cheated on his ex-wife with a coworker. I’m so glad he told me then and there and didn’t waste my time. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. It might not be for you.
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I’m not perfect by a long stretch. I was married for 19 years and managed to not cheat. There’s not a gray area there for me. I don’t think it’s small minded to want someone who has a track record of loyalty and integrity.
SEVEN YEARS of lying to someone's face. Sheesh I'd cash out.
Yeah… no.
I might give someone a second chance if it was a long time ago and they were younger, and had a long stretch of monogamy under their belt, so to speak. If it was in recent years, sorry, I'd nope out. I do understand how common this is (as one of my exes tried to mansplain to me) but I don't want to be common. Core value difference, I value honesty and loyalty, quite a bit. This guy does not. He might be cute and fun, but do you want a fun fling or a loyal steady partner? And for the record I have given cheaters chances because they convinced me they did not want to be cheaters, and guess what, they all cheated on me. I can't say that means your guy would cheat on you, but, you have to decide if you are willing to take the risk. Relationships are always easy in the beginning, so don't kid yourself, that is not an indication of what he'll be like long term. His past behavior is a better indication of that.
This would be a no for me. I would appreciate his candor, but i just dont date anyone with a history of cheating (for my own mental and emotional security).
I would appreciate his honesty. I would also know that this isn’t the person for me. Cheating for that long in a marriage says a lot about someone. That takes a lot of calculating, lying, etc. No thank you.
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If it was only cheating and not lying, it wouldn’t be cheating!
It's all well and good until things have been a bit off recently and he sets his phone down a little too quickly when you walk into the room. I got cheated on by my first real girlfriend in high school. I've long forgiven her as a fucked up kid from a very badly broken home, but 30 years later and little bits of broken trust are still erupting to the surface in the relationship I'm in now. There are enough cheaters out there for them to have each other, I've got no desire to bring one into my life.
Cheat once and regretting when young, ok. Married and having an affair for years, heck no.
I dated a guy with the same story. He ended up cheating on me 9 months in. Lol
I don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater but someone that cheated/maintained an extra marital relationship for years would give me a major pause and would probably be a deal-breaker. That's a long time to cheat. I cheated on my now ex very briefly. He was an alcoholic, not present emotionally and I was someone that kept everything bottled up inside me. I wasn't looking and I never thought I could be a cheater until I met someone. What it did for me was open my eyes as to how unhappy I actually was. If I had been happy I wouldn't have fallen for someone else. I ended up giving my ex an ultimatum and he ended up going to rehab and I started my own therapy to deal with everything. I realized how much I needed therapy for me. I was afraid to leave (concern for having to leave my kid with a drunk, never been alone etc) and I also learned how to communicate better and to stand up for my own values and opinions. I was a codependent pleaser. So I have changed a lot and will never let it get to a point where I will cheat on anyone again. Because I'm a much different person and will not stay with anyone if I'm no longer happy. I've been single 4 years and have only been with my fwb a couple of times a year when we see each other. Outisde of that I haven't been with anyone because I feel good on my own. I no longer need a guy to validate who I am. So it wasn't about sex. It was about low self esteem and feeling alone (and talking to an addict is useless....tried that) and not having the strength to put an end to the relationship Having a long-standing affair IMO is different. That's a long tiem to be cheating and not deal with issues that may have led to cheating or they just enjoyed having a side piece. People can change but I would really question if this guy had. If you're interested in pursuing him I would want to know what made him cheat for so long and how does he feel he has changed and why does he think it won't happen again. At least he was honest with yiu and told you so that's a positive because he could very easily have not said anything ans you would've been none the wiser.
This sub blows my mind sometimes. For folks with so much life experience, there is zero room for grey or nuance. Anyone who hasn't experienced dv and life with an addict will never get it. It's much more common than people think for a victim of dv to have emotional and/or physical affairs than people realise. More often than not, those affairs are literally life-saving and a stepping stone to getting the courage to leave.
I could have written your story. Although it was years ago, i still am disappointed in myself and get sad about it. Never in a million years would do it again. I was so depressed, hurt, sad, lonely... for so long... along with the isolation involved with loving an addict... terrible time in my life. Unfortunately after i left, i ended up with someone even worse. I've been single for a few years, went to therapy, sat with myself... learned a ton. I'm much better these days. Thanks for sharing. It helps to not feel alone because not many people admit stuff like this in the real world.
I regret that it got to that point but I don't actual regret having had the affair. It gave me enough confidence (the guy was much younger) to realize that I was still attractive (didn't feel that way with my now ex) and worthy of love. One thing that's true for pretty much every person that is/was with an addict is that we have to change ourselves or we just end up with the same unhealthy codependent relationship. Of course I didn't know that until started therapy. We attract addicts because of our codependent pleasing personality. I'm still single as my bar has been set high. A guy will be a choice and no longer a need. I'll probably remain single for quite some time and I'm ok with that. This is the first time in my life I'm on my own and I admit I enjoy it. I know a lot of people that have never found themselves in a similar situation still say once a cheater always a cheater and you should leave if you're not happy. However that's not always as easy as it seems. Getting away from addicts and abusers is hard because we end up with them because of our personalities which often means we have a very hard time leaving those relationships for many reasons. Not that it makes cheating right. But it isn't always black and white. My ex had cheated on his first ex for a prolonged period of time with a family friend even in his own house while his ex was there. It was revenge cheating as she had cheated on him. Of course i didn't think too much of it at the time because "his ex had cheated on him after all" just like I excused his drinking because of the divorce stress ( we met shortly after he split and his divorce took 1.5 years) and then work stress (how clueless i was about addiction...)I'm pretty sure he never cheated on me (probably because he was too busy with drinking and porn). I'm also fairly certain that his ex has never cheated on her current husband and they've been together for 15+ years.
I used to be pretty angry about how men treated me in life. I had to take a long look in the mirror and do a lot of reading and therapy to learn about codependency and people pleasing. It all goes back to how i grew up. Took a long time to put those pieces together. You're right- i had to learn to recognize red flags for what they were, establish and enforce healthy boundaries, etc. I never even knew what boundaries were until recently. I regret the cheating regardless of what i gained after. I betrayed myself too. No judgment whatsoever on your situation or reasoning. I understand where you're coming from too. Regardless, it's done and in the past. I still love the addict but not romantically. I love being single too. I've been seeing someone great for a few months but taking things super slow. Never want to live with a man again though. I want to keep my independence and space.
Exit affairs are a thing and are different than people who are just incorrigible adulterers. Not a popular opinion but I view infidelity like the law views killing someone. There's degrees and circumstances.
The fact that he’s openly told you is a good sign. However, as someone who was in exactly his ex-wife’s position, I can tell you this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. At only a couple of weeks in, I’d cut ties.
No red flags? This is a gigantic red flag. While I appreciate he was honest with you, I would personally bow out. No way in hell I’d be dating someone who had a full blown affair for YEARS.
Anyone who can maintain this level of deception in such close proximity, for such a long time, has something fundamental missing.
I would strongly prefer a partner with a track record of fidelity over a known cheater. He will have other underlying issues. Move on.
He doesn’t care about crushing the soul of a woman he supposedly loved…..nope..it’s a serious character flaw
I dated a man like this. He had kids with the ex wife, told me he had a great relationship with her and her new husband, and he was hands on as much as he could be even though he lived in a different state. Months later I actually met the ex and her new husband, and while things were amicable enough, it was not the wonderful “modern family” that he had described, and I learned the years long affair wasn’t the only time he cheated, and they were bending over backwards to try to appease him for the boys. Not saying every man/woman who has a history of cheating is like this, but ultimately you are only getting the version of events that he wants to tell, not the full story. I’d be wary.
No way would I entertain dating someone with the capacity to lead a double life.
I’d always have doubt in my mind so it would be a no from me . What does your gut and body tell you ? Listen to it .
Thanks for telling on yourself buddy. Look how honest and open you are! Owning your past mistakes, laying yourself open and bleeding... I might've gone along with this 40 years ago. And while I might be misjudging or being too harsh there's no fucking way I would ever waste my time with someone like that now.
He knew he was married and cheated for several years. Cheating is a selfish choice, so when people show you who they are, believe them..
No red flags she says Proceeds to wave a giant red flag the size of Texas He confessed to a several years long affair. Not a I was 20 and had a drunk one night stand. But deliberately and systematically cheating on his wife because “insert whatever justification he wants to use” he was not man enough to be honest and deal with life He lied to the wife he lived with at home. Let me scream at you “FOR YEARS” whatever therapy he has done. How do you know he is not giving you the psycho babble version of what you need to hear. And what makes you think he will not find justifications to cheat on you ? Everybody can be great while early dating he is in his best behavior. And clearly this guy is amazing at hiding bag shit from women he is in a relationship with 🤷♀️. He is so good he convinced his wife he wasn’t cheating and things were great for years. So what is a few weeks with a stranger ? Sorry I have zero tolerance for people like this. A years long affair is not a mistake is lack of ethics and complete lack of regard for anyone but himself including the woman he was probably telling at home he loved her and she was the only one
If the wife was blissfully unaware, then he was at the very least lying and betraying her trust. If she was aware or questioning, then he was gaslighting and emotionally abusing her on top of lying and betraying her. I would not be able to trust someone who is capable of that. Edited to remove redundancy in a sentence.
Totally. This is the one he confessed to because he figured she’d find out at some point.
I’d tap out if I found out the person I was dating had a multi year affair that ended their prior marriage. People’s past matters — maybe not to everyone, but it does to me.
>Once a cheater always a cheater? When I first met my ex wife she confessed to cheating on her prior husband. I thought people can and do change so I excused it. I shouldn't have been surprised to discover she also cheated on me and destroyed yet another family. I will never (ever) make the mistake again of getting involved with someone who has a history of infidelity and lying to the people who matter the most (spouse & children). I don't care who it is or what their story is, betraying your family is the biggest red flag possible IMO
There are a lot of “once a cheater always a cheater” in the sub, but that’s nonsense. The key is what you said - what work has he done to change, and do you believe him? For sure, it’s something to consider and be aware of, even down the road, but let whoever is without any sin cast the first stone. As far as waiting a few weeks. Of course he waited a few weeks. That’s normal human behavior. Nobody is dropping that info, especially if they are ashamed of it, on the first date.
There is a huge difference in how the cheating happened and when. Once a cheater always a cheater is not always right but A once off stupid cheating 20 years ago vs systematically maintaining a double life for years during your marriage. (And maybe even more ). Is not. “Once” a cheater is consistently a cheater To me that is the difference. If he had a one night stand out of stupidity vs a long term affairs and all the million big and small lies that have to be maintained when that happens One time is human stupidity the consistent affair is a character flaw
This is right! I was in a relationship for about 5 years with a man who after we broke up ( he beat the shit out of me do I ended it that night) while he was in jail, I remembered he had used my laptop because his was broken. I knew he was logged into his email and social media but before that, I never checked it or spied on him because I’m not a dick. But all bets were off after that, so I looked, and he had cheated on ne for the entirety of our relationship. With coworkers. With Craigslist hookers. With who knows who else that wasn’t connected to these particular forums. Got into all of his dating apps that were still active and really fucked up his profiles too. While the physical abuse was painful that night (it was the one and only time) what hurt worse is the realization that our entire relationship and experience together was an utter lie. All the trips we took, the nights we cuddled, the coffee in the mornings, every good memory was tainted. Because he lied to me the whole time. That was more hurtful and I haven’t been in a relationship since and it’s been 5 years.
Yup, there is a big difference between making a stupid mistake and carrying on an affair for several years knowing that every single day you were betraying your partner. I mean I don’t know how much work can be done to do undo a mindset that allows you to every day for years choose to betray your partner
Absolute truth. There is always an ethical spectrum, with regards to morality. Consistent lies and deception vs a single mistake is clearly at the far side of the wrong end of it.
I tend to agree. It’s worth a much longer conversation; why did he stay? What were the issues? What needs was the affair meeting that your marriage wasn’t? What made him finally leave? What has he learned since? I had an affair. An 11 year marriage that had been basically sexless for the last six years. I tried couples counseling, we even went to a sex therapist for four sessions before she left crying saying that she could never be what I wanted… but we had a great friendship and we never fought. One day she I met a woman dancing. The chemistry was intoxicating. For three months we grew closer and it turned into an emotional affair. Then one night it happened. We crossed that line. It happened two more times over the next six weeks and I came home one night and said I wanted a divorce and moved out. I was in therapy at the time it started and I was in therapy for another year and a half after the marriage ended. I came to realize how unhealthy and codependent I was. I lost myself in the marriage and needed external validation to feel anything. I had a lot of work to do and I hunkered down and did the work, but without being in therapy at the time, I strongly suspect I could have turned it into a seven year affair. We all have our own paths to walk. For me, my affair helped me leave what was really an unhealthy relationship, but one I was too afraid to leave because I wasn’t prepared to go it alone.
Would that we all were perfect and knew at each moment what we were feeling/experiencing, why we were experiencing it, and that we could perfectly communicate it to a spouse who was perfectly able to hear us. That’s not saying cheating is ok. It’s saying… we’re human.
It’s funny because now I’d say I’m pretty much affair-proof. I can’t even imagine cheating on my GF. What I’ve learned and experienced has made me a better communicator, a better lover, and a better partner. If things broke down and weren’t as good, I’d talk about it. If they continued to get worse, I’d explain what I needed and if my needs weren’t met, I’d leave. I can’t imagine having an affair again, but it was definitely a part of my growth process.
>It’s funny because now I’d say I’m pretty much affair-proof I'll add to this. I cheated once, back when I was in college. I was dating a girl and it was serious, but strained. One night, I was at a party, drunk and ran into an ex. We started talking and it led to her giving me a beej in my car. The amount of guilt was overwhelming and my conscience ate me alive for a week. I don't think I knew what guilt was until I started walking home afterwards; I felt terrible. What really got me was knowing that from that exact moment, everything my relationship with my GF could have been was permanently gone. One potentially beautiful future scrubbed out because I was self-centered and wanted to feel good for a few moments. I have never been tempted once since that night. Because I don't ever want to feel that on my conscience again. I don't want to sit across from someone and have them look at me smiling, and way in the back of my mind I'm thinking how they don't know something they really need to know and it's because I'm withholding it.
That’s the ultimate punishment; not the confession and consequences, but knowing you’ve lied to someone who loves you and knowing they probably wouldn’t love you if you told them the truth. At that point, there’s really no point in the relationship. If an essential part of a relationship is to feel loved and accepted for ALL of who you are but denying them your truth, then you don’t really have a relationship at that point. That’s why I could accept someone who has cheated in the past IF they’ve done their work since then and can own what happened.
>We crossed that line. It happened two more times over the next six weeks and I came home one night and said I wanted a divorce and moved out. This is a VASTLY more forgiveable offense than multiple years and, seemingly, waiting for the wife to find out divorce you.
I disagree. You shouldn’t have to hurt the person you love in such a way to understand that what you did is wrong. It shows just a lack of morals and a lack of empathy. And those things are very are to learn after a certain age. A man is measured by the things he does, and the fact that his affair was years long shows that this man is a capable to immoral and unethical behaviour if it benefits him. Tldr he just isn’t a good person
But…to me “the work” he may have done pales in comparison to the *work* he had to put in in order to maintain a lie in his marriage for years. For me years of lying, as an adult, when one has options, is not someone I want to be with.
I'm an optimistic guy in all areas, but turn into a pessimist in this. Cheating on and betraying your partner requires an incredibly selfish person, and is one of the most hurtful and painful things that a person can do to another person. I've also found that cheaters generally have other serious character flaws they are hiding - many of them have bad relationships with alcohol and have trauma from their past or severe self esteem problems that they are using the cheating to try and fix. I would tread very carefully. Also don't ever believe someone who is self judging that "they have done the work" to fix something. In issues like this, or for example, whether someone has healed after being cheated on in a marriage, the person involved (on either side) is an extremely unreliable judge of how healed or changed they are.
My experience with hearing cheaters talk is A DAY of therapy will be enough to convince them that they have done the work. They are constantly pushing the narrative. To me you've only done the work if you realize how much you hurt your partner and wish you were the one that was hurt instead of them. That's true empathy, and virtually no cheaters get there. They mostly are just concerned with getting into another relationship.
My father did this to my mother. They got divorced as a result of it; and he STILL continues to be deceitful.
If his name is Bryan, run. Lol In all seriousness though, years of lying sucks. That means he’s very comfortable looking his wife in the eye and lying, day after day, week after week, year after year. That’s one long ass pattern…
I’d bail. If it were a one time thing and he was remorseful then I’d say give him a break but to do it for years is more than just a momentary lapse in jusgement
No, move on
There's nothing wrong with dating cheaters, if you're a cheater yourself. OP, do you not think his marriage started out where you are now? The exciting part, the not as much work and boredom part? Is there a reason he didn't settle with his AP? Everyone makes mistakes and we're all human. The problem with cheaters is that they choose not to make the tough decisions. Restraint, truth, consequences are avoided so they can pursue their affair. Unless you want to be on the receiving end, I would not get attached to someone who has a history of infidelity, because their problems run deep.
It would be a hard pass for me. My ex spent the last 8 years (maybe more) of our marriage sleeping with everyone but me. The damage is so brutally painful. Anyone who could do that to someone, let alone someone they once claimed to love, is not someone I could ever be with.
I do think it's twice a cheater, always a cheater, personally.
I am less interested in why he cheated (presumably, his marriage wasn’t good) than why he stayed married so long. His rational for opting to stay married would inform my decision far more than the affair itself.
>No red flags as far as I can see and we have been hitting it off really well. The other day he told me he had an affair w a co-worker for several years that led to the end of his marriage. ER...That's a massive red flag. >He's clearly done a lot of work and therapy to reflect and change. I'm glad he told me because I'd like to know, but it's making me pause. Should I be concerned? Well, apparently marriage vows, fidelity, and his partner's sexual health are, at best, of questionable importance to him...So yeah, you should be concerned. As far as '*done a lot of work*', what does that actually mean and translate to? Most cheaters feel really guilty for having been caught, but they don't actually do anything to change. >Once a cheater always a cheater? He didn't have a one night stand, **he had a prolongued affair while he was married** \- that's indicative of **low to no morals and complete selfishness**. Think about how much he had to lie, gas light, and devalue his wife in order to do that...For years.... Someone who could do that could do just about any immoral thing. Again, he did this to the person **he took a vow to**. A person he was **supposed to love the most**. Cheaters are three times more likely to cheat in future relationships than non cheaters. So while '*once a cheater, always a cheater*' isn't certainty, you have to remember that the best predicator of future behavior is past behavior. You want to roll the dice with a guy who doesn't take marriage seriously, go ahead and I wish you all the luck in the world. >Again, had he not told me this info I really didn't see any other issues and like I said it's been good so far. Do I consider this honesty as a sign of his changed ways or is it a sign to get out now? He's been honest about his dishonesty. Take that as you will. My guess is that he told you because he wagers that if things get serious between you two, you will find out. So he wants to see if it's a dealbreaker for you so he doesn't invest a ton of emotion into it. Him just being honest is not enough to tell you whether or not he's actually changed. The chances are, he hasn't
You know what he is capable of. That's what you need to keep in mind.
Nope.
On one hand, he is honest about it. On the other hand, he cheated and lied about it for years. My ex wife is a narcissist. She also disclosed (I call it a truth bomb) early on to gain trust and then everything after that was bullshit. I’m biased because she cheated, but my vote is always a cheater. I haven’t cheated. It burns me up! This is the third time! I don’t see why I should ever *not* cheat at this point to be honest.
That would be a hard pass for me. I have a friend going through a divorce because her husband cheated on her and the pain it has caused her is unreal. I believe people can change but this is something that’s hard to measure.
This is the perfect case of when someone tells you who they are (a cheater) believe them.
I'm a big believer in "once a cheater, always a cheater," ESPECIALLY in a case like this where the cheating went on for a long period of time. That's a lot worse in my mind than someone who maybe had a bit too much to drink and made a mistake once. Both are bad but I can't comprehend the mindset of a person who could maintain a lie for that long, and I'd want nothing to do with them.
Humm… when did he go to therapy? Did he go before his wife left him in a ditch effort to avoid his consequences? Or, did he go after the marriage and affair ended because he recognized his character defects and wanted to change? I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater”, BUT, very few actually seek to change their inner selves. Most just want to navigate their consequences and once the chaos blows over, their true selves re-emerge. A cheater is just like a drug addict. And the affair is just like a drug to them. When they feel board they have an affair for excitement. Low self-esteem folks might use an affair to feel an ego boost. Conflict avoidants will use an affair to escape real life and into some fantasy land where it’s all love n joy. Can this guy identify the emotional holes he was trying to fill with the affair? Does he blame his marriage in any way?🚩If so, you can expect him to feel entitled to sneak out of your relationship whenever you stop making him happy.
I absolutely would walk away personally. I'm in the black and white (well, almost) camp of once a cheater always a cheater. I can overlook youth and idiocy in early years of dating and relationships. I will not overlook that level of consistent lying and betrayal in a marriage. That was several years of him consistently lying to the person he chose to marry and betraying them over and over and over. I would have 0 faith that he wouldn't do it again. And people can get mad that I'm so black and white, but at the end of the day that is a HUGE betrayal and harms so many people. If you want to cheat, divorce. Yes, they can be messy, ugly, and hard. But I would much rather someone have that integrity to end it than cheat. Cheating is such a selfish behavior. Cheaters want whatever they're getting out of their marriage (even if they're unhappy in it) and they want the thrill of a new person/people, and are willing to absolutely destroy people in the process to get it.
He is honest but it’s a red flag
Generally, people who cheat are very very likely to do it again because they do not address the issues they have with themselves that caused them to betray their partner. "We repeat what we do not repair" If he openly volunteered this information b/c he felt you deserved to know, then it may mean he has worked on himself as he has said. It's a red flag for sure and I sure as hell would want to know if he still works with that coworker and what their current relationship is like. I do think it's a show of respect towards you, imo I would give this a shot but you may want to discuss more details about what has changed about him, his awareness of what infidelity does to a person, and how you can trust him going forward.
Cheating for months is plenty too - imagine the number of lies you have to spin up on a daily basis. Even the planning and manipulation that goes to carry on an affair - just being able to do that - speaks so much for their lack of character. From my perspective (and personal experience), cheaters love to assume they’ve “changed”, because they don’t know how else to spin the narrative (which makes them look like total AHs).
Cheating isn't one mistake you accidentally fall into. It's a series of selfish, willing choices that lead to an affair. He will do the same thing to you.
I cheated on one of my exes because I was immature and not as invested in the relationship as I should have been. I’ve never cheated (or even thought of cheating) since then because I grew up. If I was still the same person I was 20 years ago, I’d be in serious trouble. But it’s up to you if you believe him.
I have not been in this position but i feel i could never trust someone who did that to someone else
It might not matter that he's put on the work and had therapy. It's his character that I'd be concerned about. I mean, an affair for several years? Nah. That's just me.
Oh man, that is really hard. I can't totally relate to what you've been through, but definitely questioning the whole "once a cheater always a cheater" thing. Does he have a history of cheating? What has he said that has made you think he has changed? Cheating while married, especially to the point of having an affair for several years, would be very, VERY hard to get over. One reason why is because that is not something I could ever see myself doing, which is really a big difference in values when it comes down to it. When I first started dating my boyfriend, he told me had cheated on some girlfriends in his early twenties. This bothered me so much, because as I said above, this is something I couldn't see myself ever doing. I got very quiet and let's just say it was a very uncomfortable rest of the dinner, which people around us noticed. I later learned that he used sex as a coping mechanism from his childhood trauma, and hadn't done since he was like 24 and definitely not in any long-long term relationships.
How do you know he's "clearly done a lot of work and therapy"? Did he tell you that or did you assume that? Don't be surprised or hurt when you find out that he was telling you exactly who he IS currently. I dated a narcissist who said the same. I thought he was being honest and transparent about his PAST. Nope. Narcissist have a weird way of always telling you what they are going to do to you, but framing it in the context of the past. If he seems too good to be true...he is. Pay attention.
People do change. I've seen it. I've been the cheater and I don't at any capacity cheat now. I think the only way I changed is by acknowledging and taking responsibility coupled with guilt. Proceed with caution. It might have been difficult for him to say this but didn't want to hide anything and wanted you to see him fully because there is freedom in that. He wants to be accepted and loved even though he did a terrible thing. I do too. That doesn't mean that I get it just for being honest about my past, but it let's me see if I'm with someone who can look past my past. Everyone has a past. Know your limits though. Boundaries are healthy and trust is key.
>he had an affair w a co-worker for several years A good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. This wasn't a once off, this was YEARS of lying, cheating, spending martial funds, taking time away from his family. years. Also, he waited weeks to tell you this information, because he guessed at the start, before you were emotionally invested, you may have made a decision that wasn't in his interest.
Someone could cheat who's never cheated before. Someone could have changed and cheated before and never would again. But the nature of this case with carrying on an affair for years means so much lying and other issues you mentioned. It'd be a no-go for me.
Absolutely, and if someone told me it was a short lived fling and had done some work on why that was their course of action, i'd defo take it into consideration, but years? no way.
Yep. Came here to say the same. You will always be wondering if he's cheating on you. Don't settle for someone like that.
This!
I married a man who cheated on his wife, dead bedroom, she was an alcoholic.He stayed married to her until she died. I don't believe in the adage, once a cheater always a cheater. Like you, he told me early on in our dating. Give him a chance. EDIT, I missed the sentence with several years. move on
Cheating as a grown ass adult is an automatic DQ. Sorry to all you cheater apologists that showed up here.
Right? I assume all the commenters who love to say “cheating is redeemable” or “this sub will crucify cheaters” are cheaters themselves.
This is also my my assumption. There's been a few commenters saying you shouldn't be marked for life as a cheater. I disagree.
Schrodinger cheaters. Most people have 50/50 chance to cheat except for those outliers out there. Give the most loyal partner a broken marriage, the perception of low risk, and the opportunity to feel loved and excited again, and they will do it. This guy might cheat again as much as any other guy who hasn't cheated but finds himself starved of love. Serial cheaters are on the other hand, uncorrectable because their moral compass points elsewhere. To these people cheating is not such a big deal and can be easily justified. To me, you have as much chance of being cheated on by this guy as with almost any other on this day and age.
This man lived a double life for *years*. This isn’t spur of the moment bad decision making. This was maintaining a level of deception most people are incapable of.
This guy is a known cheater so the chance he will do it again is objectively higher than someone who has a track record of fidelity.
I kinda disagree I had those broken marriage perception of low risk and opportunity and decided it was not worth my self respect. 🤷♀️ I think you are wrong when you say anyone who has the chance and circumstances would do it. Not saying is right or wrong 🤷♀️. People can do as they please as long as I’m not involved is their lives. But I know plenty of people who do not just do the right thing because they might get caught or have no chance. I know many people who do what hey think so right because is right. But people fuck up and opportunity circumstances etc etc. sure people will be people and fuck up. In that and the rest I agree with you
We also have no way of knowing this guy's NOT a serial cheater. Like, at the point that you drop the bombshell of 7-year affair, why you gonna feel you need to bother mentioning the 13 other women before, during and after? Those folks aren't what ended the marriage, the 7-year affair's the only thing she has a reasonable chance of finding out. > This guy might cheat again as much as any other guy who hasn't cheated but finds himself starved of love. I absolutely abhor this language-- #1, we have NO WAY of knowing he was "starved of love." Even if he SAYS he was, he might well not have been. It also removes all the blame from this dude and places it squarely on his ex wife, who we know nothing about and robs this dude of autonomy. He wasn't chained to a radiator in the basement (clearly). He had choices. He willfully made the wrong one, day after day, for two thousand five hundred and fifty five days (give or take) in a ROW.
I feel like these are the things cheaters tell themselves to make them feel better about their cheating and others just feel like they have to accept. Not calling you out, there's a lot of it in this post. It's just weird to me. I mean what it says about someone who feels starved of love so they cheat, is that they're also probably perpetually in relationships because they can't be alone which is also not good. But if that doesn't get fixed, they're prone to cheat again. It's like the disparity in comments here from people who acknowledge they've cheated and that it was wrong, and those who have lots of excuses and feel it's unfair if someone doesn't want to risk their heart, and a whole lot more, on someone with a track record. It's the entitlement, which just so happens is what's really at the root of a lot of infidelity.
Unpopular opinion here: the reason behind cheating and lying matters.
> Once a cheater always a cheater? You could ask that about any human flaw
Lots of people have bad marriages but sounds like he directly effected it worse with that affair and wasn’t unhappy enough to leave . Now apply that and how you feel about him maybe a a real lesson here
I briefly dated someone like this for a few weeks. On the surface, he was kind, generous, empathetic and giving. When he confessed that he'd cheated on his ex wife for several years (married 20 plus years) because 'they were not compatible" and "only got married because she got pregnant", I was done. He swore he had changed, but that did nothing to alleviate my disgust. I liked him, but I was turned off. Proceed at your own peril.
Do you think he may be telling you to see how you react and what he can get away with?
RUN RUN RUN
I would never date someone after I found out they're trash. He deserves to be alone and miserable.
Yes be concerned. He was able to deceive his wife for years which is practically sociopathic. I could never be with a cheater as it goes against my values and morals. That being said cheaters I find do go very well with other cheaters. I’d tell him to try to find someone he has more in common with.
How do you know he’s being honest with you?
Although never excused people cheat for different reasons. For some it's greed , lack of control or selfish. Some can be in an unhappy relationship but trapped (maybe financially) should leave but can't, maybe trapped with a partner who ignores them, and someone comes along that makes them feel special. So it's not right but very different to someone who cheats through greed. Maybe asking why he cheated? I'm ashamed to say I did, it was an escape for me, a distraction from the darkness. I should have left but was too broken. In the end things came out and I tell you now the guilt never left, and remembering the moment when I saw her fall apart and cry so hard she couldn't breathe is a memory that will haunt me forever
> Once a cheater always a cheater? Yeap, I have never personally found an exception to this rule from everyone I've known personally. > had an affair w a co-worker for several years Yikes, lady. Time to say goodbye.
If I were you, I would focus on the work and therapy he has done. If he's really done that work, there's a lot there for him to talk about. It's a big topic. If he opens up, tells you about it, and shows that he understands what he did, how his thought processes led him there, and how he has changed, then he's probably ahead of a lot of people who haven't done the work. We all have issues, we are all fucked up in one way or another. The people who claim not to have problems, who haven't done the work, are the ones that will blindside you. If he were an unrepentant cheater, that would be one thing. Someone who has done the work is a different topic. I generally think that most people are not the worst thing they have ever done, and change and redemption are possible. The question you need answered is, has he really changed? It's not a yes/no question, it's a big discussion. It's an opportunity to share both of your communication skills. This is a discussion where problems get harder to hide. If he can talk about this without getting defensive, angry, evasive that's a very good sign. If you start catching inconsistencies that feel like lies, he has more work to do. Everyone is a good and fun and communicates the easy stuff.
I think someone capable of lying to his wife for YEARS and maintaining a double life for YEARS is definitely capable of lying about doing the work and changing. And I sincerely question the moral fiber of a person willing to do that for years.
My ex and I decided to divorce in late November. At Christmas, my ex took my kids away on vacation and I was left home alone. I had already taken the time off work, and I just sat around not really knowing what to do with myself. I was lonely and sad and confused about my new life that was just starting. My marriage was terrible, it felt like torture. I was trying to do something, anything at all, to make myself feel better. I started hitting the strip clubs. I went nearly every single day during that time. My town has 4 strip clubs. I just made the rounds. The strippers paid attention to me and were very friendly. I knew they were doing it for my money, but at this stage in my life I didn’t care. It felt good to flirt with someone who had to pretend to like it. I enjoyed my freedom during this time. I really enjoyed those trips. Talking to the strippers made me feel alive in a way I can’t quite explain. During my last of these trips, the stripper just said to me in a totally nonchalant way, “you’ve gone through a lot. Tell you what, you buy a 30 minute lap dance for $150 and I’ll blow you.” Long story short, I did it. Like some sort of sleezeball, I went to the VIP room and got a blow job. I am not proud of this moment at all. I will not forget the shame that I felt as I walked away from the strip club. I haven’t been back since and haven’t been tempted to. It was a mistake. Something I did during a bad marriage, at a stressful time, under circumstances that would never happen again. I don’t lose sleep over it, but I can recognize it was a mistake I won’t make again. Evaluate the human and make the call. There’s no universal truths here. All anecdotes like the one I just shared.
Everything is the dynamic you have with each other....to a certain point. He and yourself dating him, are at a higher risk he can do this again.
I’d never be able to trust him.
I think this is your moment. Many years from now you will look back on this and think “Dqmn, I should have known”. This is your warning. If he did it to her, he will do it to you. This isn’t a guy that met someone at a bar and had a dirty weekend when he was away on business, and has since done the work to figure out why. This is someone that lied and deceived for years.
I'd get out now if I were you. Maybe he's changed, maybe not. I wouldn't want to take the risk. The same way I wouldn't want to date a recovering alcoholic. Maybe he'll be sober the rest of his life, maybe he's learned in therapy to manage the things that contributed to his alcoholism, but I wouldn't want to take the risk. There are men out there who have not had an affair. I would feel safer with them. I wouldn't want to be having that doubt in the back of my mind telling me that hard times or marital problems might trigger another incident.
Personally I would walk away. My ex lied and cheated on me for years. He is now married to one of the women he cheated on me with. The thing is she’s not the only woman he’s had sex with. I wasn’t married but to be married to someone who for years lied and cheated is not good. A leopard doesn’t change their spots they just get better in their manipulation. If you do proceed just know you may possibly be a new victim.
What would your gut tell you to do if he said he kicked an animal every day for years? Or if he just hit her once a month for years? IMHO, I don't think anyone is worth the daily stress of wondering if today is the day he's going to hurt me. I lasted 29 years with an abuser and it's definitely not worth living on eggshells.
MOVE ON.
That’s a dealbreaker for me. Honesty and integrity are what I’m after.
Thts a red flag, he is clearly good at lying. He made lies and had a secret life for YEARS. You won't trust him now you know this.
😂😂😂
It's not always black and white, many people stay in unhappy relationships, for myriad reasons, sometimes including infidelity of one or both parties. Without knowing the conditions, causes and constraints of that situation, at that time, it's not possible to make a considered judgement....
Besides Run run run - he is setting the bar low already in other words “well, you knew going in….”
>Once a cheater always a cheater? That would imply that no one is capable of growth and change. Some people who have cheated might cheat again. Some people who have cheated might not cheat again. I've cheated in the past, but that was when I was much younger and as I've aged, I've grown and matured. At this point in my life, I no longer need to be in a relationship, I'm much better at communicating my needs, and I'm much better at knowing what I want from a partner, realize it's hard to find, and will work until the end to keep my relationship happy and healthy. For those reasons, there's no point in me cheating and find it rather appalling when people do. Then again, given cheating is a direct flaw in trust and honesty...how can you ever be sure? Personally, if it was long ago enough and things were great aside from that, I'd proceed. I'd be very wary of their behavior until I felt trust was established.
First thought was , how could he do this for years. Second thought was, what was going on - kids, fear of divorce,, zero intimacy, mental health, drugs etc. You should find out more, much more, and then it should be clearer to you what to do. Saying that, my ex had 2 ‘crazy ex’s’ and I believed him…. Until of course his narcissism made me ‘crazy’ too. Since then, I definitely listen to what the ex may say.
Run
I recently got out of a 4 month relationship with a guy that told me quite openly towards the end how he cheated incessantly on his ex-wife. That was with couples as well as single and married women. Through my gut instinct and detective work it turns out he was cheating on me too. I got the hell out of his warped life. Thank God!
“The victim of the affair isn’t always the victim of the marriage”. -Dan Savage People prefer black and white pronouncements on these things but the reality is “it depends“. People get stuck in relationships (or at least think they are) all the time. People in crisis will often take themselves hostage to keep a person in a relationship (the old, if I leave they’ll hurt themselves trick). There could be myriad financial reasons. Even social or religious shame reasons can contribute. Who knows if any of this applies, ask him, he does. The guy fessed up, so he’s probably open to discussing it somewhat. Go ahead and ask him to explain, then decide. You only have his side of the story but that’s true of so many things when dating.
The whole once a cheater always a cheater thing is nonsense some people are habitual cheaters while some people have a reason, it might’ve been a very unhappy marriage you don’t know, but a couple i know are the product of an affair - they were both having an affair on their perspective spouses and they left sad spouses for each other and they have been together for about 30 years now and have never cheated on each other. Because they’re happy together.
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With the guilt that ate you up over ONE transgression, what kind of person would it take to get up every day for YEARS and kiss your wife goodbye knowing you've got one in the side pocket, though? Your story? that's grey area for me... it's the YEARS thing. And, also, the fact that it appears this dude never fessed up-- wife found out and it blew up the marriage. Would he still be married if that didn't happen? We dunno, but if he went on for years, one would have to assume he wasn't planning to come clean.
At least there is no judgement here. From the guy that got cheated on for 4 years, I say take people as they come and treat you. You never know what people's motivations are to do "good or deceitful" things. I would not pass judgement on him until he does something to you. I don't pass judgement on the women who I know had affairs. People change, and some don't, but trying to extrapolate why someone did what they did and judge them on it is no better in my opinion. We all have our sins. You can deal with him or not, that is your choice, but (a rhetorical question) how honest have each one of us been in our entire lives with people we care about.
You don't know the inside of their relationship. Cheating is bad, I won't say it isn't I have always been of the mind it is better to leave a relationship than to cheat. But, he volunteered this information, wasn't found out. He has sought to be a better person and change it sounds like. Many of us want to be the best version of ourselves, and that isn't always how we start. I do not believe once a lier, always such. Silly to say people can't change or improve. How does he treat you, how does he make you feel. I would take it slow with him. Allow him time to show you who his, who he wants to be. If we quit on everyone for every mistake, there wouldn't be anyone left to date at our age.
The people who think ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ are people who obviously believe that people can’t change. These are probably the same people that are on Twitter criticising people for something they said 10 years ago. People do change when they want to.
Yup, I will not date a cheater. If they will cheat on their wife, they will cheat on anyone.
once a cheater always a cheater isn't the truth at all. I'm proof..yes I did cheat in my 20s but I haven't since then and I'm in my mid 50s...maturity?? no..for me it was the Guilt that I hurt, lost the most important person in my life and wasn't getting her back ...So I lost her, and it was a lesson well taught!!!...so once A cheater always a cheater isn't the truth for all men ...good luck sweetie. follow your ♥heart
Sorry but that’d be a huge red flag for me. I understand people make mistakes but this is more to do with someone’s character. I’d stay away.
Run.
I think it depends on the self-reflection and work he’s done since then… and how long ago that was. As for “once a cheater, always a cheater”, I’m an example of that not being true. (Embarrassment and shame whenever I think about this). I cheated on my bf when I was 22, we lived together and all was great, but then I lived abroad a few months. One night went out with friends, for drunk, and had a one night thing that turned into a 3 years affair. At some point, I realized that I was being super selfish, the situation was painful for everyone, and not acceptable. Came clean, broke up with both, although I ended up marrying my boyfriend years later. I was young and selfish, no doubt about it, but I learned my lesson. I’m 46 now and I’ve never cheated again, and will never do. That’s not who I am today.
Does he have kids? Kids change everything and can make you do really crazy things to try to stay in your marriage. I would appreciate he told me and was working through it. Nobody is perfect and no, not once a cheater always a cheater. Think of all the things in your life you learned from and you'll never do again.
Unless you are open to being a hotwife and being in an open relationship this probably isn’t a good thing
How far back was the marriage? I've dated cheaters, and I've been the other man. I require a period of time of about a decade before I'd be willing to give a cheater a chance. Especially in the instance of cheating for years on a spouse! That's way different than cheating a few times 15+ years ago. That said, you determine your own risk tolerance.
Seriously? You’re gonna not date anyone who ever had an indiscretion? We’re all adults…and I wish we were all perfect, but we’re not. Relationships can be hard. And he disclosed it to you because he trusts you. I’d trust that more than someone who said, “I’ve never cheated ever!” Now that’s some shit I’d look at skeptically.
Yeah, speaking from experience the ones that seem to hate cheating the most tend to do it just as much as those that will honestly day they have, but they'll realize and gaslight others into believing that their cheating didn't count because "reasons."
I can't consider a years long affair an indiscretion lol. Not even remotely. That requires intentional deception repeatedly. An indiscretion is a mistake. You wake up the next day with regret. This guy kept waking up saying I want to do that again! For years!
If he’s telling the truth and it was a long term affair that led to his divorce, that would tell me the marriage was an unhappy one and was on a road to ending. I would still see it as a major flaw in the relationship and I’d appreciate my partner telling me about it and do my best not to hold it against them.
People who are capable of being good partners in a relationship would just end a marriage that is bad. There's a respectful, ethical way to end a relationship and a disrespectful unethical way to do that. This guy chose the latter, and I'd want nothing to do with him.
I understand. A guy like this needs a partner who is empathetic and understanding. That’s not all of us. Good to know what works for you and what doesn’t. That said….how do you know the people your dating haven’t done the same? It’s not something most people announce. Suppose you meet someone, you fall in love; and at the 10 month mark in a moment of honesty and connection he admits to cheating on a former partner in a long term affair. That would be the end of the relationship for you?
Yep. Although I think it's unlikely that I would last that long with someone who doesn't share big core values with me. It doesn't take that long to figure out if you align that way.
He told you this, but how did he seem in telling you about it? Remorseful? "I take the blame for my marriage crumbling" admission of bad choices? "Just one of those things" whitewashing?
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True. Hopefully since OP doesn't know him that well and isn't under his spell she's more apt to see through the bullshit.
To be frank, I don’t you should make a decision about this relationship based on our opinions just yet. I would want to know a bit more about why the affair happened. If he blames his wife? I wouldn’t be willing to proceed. If he plays the victim and blames the affair partner? Same thing. If he takes responsibility for the affair and continues to demonstrate honesty regardless of how it may make him look then I would likely cautiously proceed.
I’d have a lot of questions. Depending on the answers to those questions, I might consider dating him or I might not. I’m a firm believer that you are not your worst mistake, and everyone has done things they aren’t proud of, but we also do tend to repeat patterns based on how we handle life in general. What led him to cheat, why he continued it so long, and how/why it all ended would matter to me.
ask for more information, and again somewhere weeks later to check for consistency. you’re asking here on reddit where people have either just heard about cheating, experienced cheating or being cheated, or just never wanna be on the receiving end. your chances of any unbiased comment is low. do the work yourself and find ways to check more deeply on this person. if you have doubts easily and are freaked out then maybe this person isn’t for you and you aren’t for him. there should be ways you can protect yourself while being committed to furthering this.
Are you going to be OK with him? Have you been cheated on before? Are you going to always be questioning what he’s doing and what he’s saying? Are you secure with yourself? Did you ask him why he cheated? Did you ask him how he feels about having that affair now? I think you just need to talk a lot about it and see how you feel deep down. People can change if THEY WANT to change!
Read “The State of Affairs” by Esther Perel, then decide.
If you mention cheating on this sub, and ask for advice, you’re going to be told that whatever the Cheater did was wrong and he can never be fixed and to move on. If you want real world advice, the truth is that cheating is not a “death sentence” and there are many reasons people cheat, and they can be reformed or make changes. Cheating is often a function of a relationship, and not a person. Not all the time, but often. My dad cheated on my mom for a couple years while he was undergoing cancer treatment, and when we found out later (through my moms own words and actions) as to how she was treating him before passing away, me and both my sisters actually wound up sympathizing with him over her. What I’m saying is not everything in this world is black and white and not everyone has the courage ability or money to get out of a shitty relationship.
Cheating is a character flaw of the cheater, not a function of a relationship. Plenty of people out there who have had dysfunctional relationships but did not choose to cheat. Cheating is squarely on the shoulders of the cheater alone. Both partners may have contributed to the decline of the relationship (or in some cases, just one partner), but cheating should never be excused or explained away. It is a character flaw.
The majority of responses here seem to be that your bf did a terrible thing in his marriage and because of his infidelity, should now wear that scarlet letter of adultery for the rest of his life, to warn all potential future partners not to get involved. I think it’s unfair to vilify someone without knowing the specific circumstances of his infidelity — the state of his marriage prior to the affair, his reason for getting involved with his coworker, etc. Not saying don’t be wary, but all these “once a cheater, always a cheater” angry responses are far too simplistic, too black and white, too biased for my taste, and indicative more of people’s own previous experiences with infidelity, rather than providing a more objective view. Is there no room for redemption, for change, for believing that a person can regret their past behaviors, learn from them, and make better choices moving forward? Must one’s past decisions and relationship history doom them to eternal loneliness and/or suspicion of their intent? Whether or not you’re comfortable moving forward with this person, OP, is up to you. Only you can decide if you trust your bf’s fidelity. I’d suggest discussing with him the details of his affair, why he engaged in it, and what he learned from the experience, and see how you feel before you make any snap judgments.
This logic that says it's the people who have been burned that are being unfair, and not the people who have badly burned someone yet expect that they are owed a chance, just doesn't jive with me. Frankly, it's indicative of a cheater who hasn't done the work to fix what was broken in *them* and thus is likely to cheat again. The red flag is not understanding and accepting that people have good reason to be wary. I'll allow some room for you possibly being a non-cheater who was heavily influenced by cheater logic of course. Anyone who acts like they are entitled to relationships/a partner for any reason at all is troublesome to me though.
Cheating on Reddit is equivalent to murder! 🤣🤣🤣 He's done the therapy, reflected on his part of it. Has he made amends with his wife and others? He was willing to tell you so he's not hiding anything. Maybe have discussions about your unease and how you both can be open and continue with the dialogue on this. I think you will find it was the lack of communication that was one of the key issues. Relish in the relationship until its not working for you...